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searchingformylostpan · 2 years

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How do i forgive myself when i hate myself more than anyone else? How do i let go and move on? I don't feel like that's going to be happening anytime soon, and i can't hold on like this much longer. Haven't had many clean days since we talked as you probably assumed. I can't handle the sadness. I can't just accept that you found someone who you could love and took that opportunity to leave me. You had someone to go to, someone to comfort you, i had nothing. I still have nothing. I don't want to start a new relationship, i tried that but it felt so wrong. I haven't felt ok for more than a day since 2020. I don't want to be sad anymore. Im so exhausted from just trying to keep myself going that i don't have anything left in me to make it through the 1-24 months of horrible readjusting that getting clean will bring or the rest of my life of my already unmanageable depression. I almost wish i never would have met you, because they then i wouldn't know just how good it felt to be loved by you, and the sharp contrast of just how miserable it feels that i destroyed it. It's supposed to be me with you right now. Im not supposed to be here alone wishing for death, i had everything i wanted, but i couldn't accept that it was really mine. I should have put that ring on in January 2021 when you gave it to me and never looked back. We would be ok if i had any kind of sense of self worth. But nope. I've always felt like I'm inadequate, that no one should love me, and when reality doesnt match up with that i unconsciously sabotage into until i am inadequate and unloved. I am beyond useless, i cant do anything right and i dont want to have to keep living. I never should have fought my mom to take me to the doctor for the abcess. You had already decided to leave me by then, you had probably already met her and no longer loved me. If i would have known that you were going to leave me i never would have gotten that fixed, i would have let that silently take me out. It wouldn't have been me actively killing myself then. Just another useless frug addict dying from their own poor choices. Better for everyone if i would have died. Better for you. Better for my family, and better for me. I wouldnt have had to go through the last few months of crying at least 5 times every day i have the right to cry. I dont want to be crying all the time, i dont want to be sad. But really what is there in my life to make me not be this fucking sad all the time. I have no friends, i have nothing going on in my life, i have no drsire to do anything and i can't think of myself as anytjing other than my worst enemy. I can't stop hating me for what i did. Beause if i wouldn't have been so good awful stupid and self destructive, i would still be happy right now. I would be the one you cuddle up to every night. I wouldn't have had my two little babies taken from me, nothing would be hurting me, i would be haply still. It doesnt feel like ill ever be happy again. I don't deserve to be happy. You were able to move on so fast and forget about me by timing your new relationship oh so very well and waiting for someone else to comw along before leaving me. You never had to feel this pain. You never had to. Can i borrow a gun? I only need to make one shot with it. You can have it back right after im done. One bullet and everything will finally stop hurting. Even when i first attemted i didn't feel this hopeless. I have already caused everyone so much pain and i don't want to cause any more. I don't know how much longer i can keep fighting the urdge tho. That's the only solution i see that will be permanently effective at getting me clean and getting me to stop being so unbearably miserable.

#you probably stopped reading these #you avoid the depressing ones so i dont bring you down. thats ok #go live your happy life with your new love #ill be gone soon. very soon i think. i cant live like this and i can't live through getting clean #so ill just go #itll be better for everyone

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jpegjade · 4 years

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Void - Spencer

I’ve weighed whether or not to put this one out there. i’ve spent a day just sitting on it, editing, and rewriting some parts. i decided to put this out there bc i realize that i have friends here who go through the same things i do and it might help them. so to all my friends out there, old, new, or the ones i have yet to meet, i’m sorry we’re in this but i’m happy we’re in this together.

Warnings: Okay so i will say this now and i mean it: if you are struggling with depression and feel uncomfortable during any point in this fic, do. not. read. the. rest. i tried to scale back a little bit bc i wrote it when i was having a really bad time (and probably still having that time rn lmao) so i didn’t include details and it’s a little bit ambiguous but it’s dealing with a hard topic: hopelessness and suicidal ideation. like i said, nothing graphic and no details but it is suggestive and real. so no fluff.

__________________

The world is such a dark fucking place. There’s nothing good in the world. There’s nothing good for you to experience anymore. The world was a dark, tar colored hell.

Nothing brought you joy. You could fake it so well on the surface, pretending the world was in color for you. The only colors you experienced were void of emotion, void of feeling, just void. The world around you was void of joy, happiness. There was nothing you wanted more than to escape. Any version of a sweet release would be perfectly fine. Something that you could deal with, some way to deal with the world.

“Hey.” Spencer said, bringing you out of your thought bubble haze. He walked through the door, gripping his satchel.

“Hmm? Hey baby.” You plastered a fake smile on your face just for him.

Spencer knew you were going through a rough time but he didn’t know exactly how bad it was. He didn’t know you had written notes for each of your family members and Spencer. He didn’t know that you thought about the easiest way to go, what required the most courage and the least amount of energy. He didn’t know you were scared to leave.

“You look tired. Have you had a nap today?” He said, leaning down to give you a kiss on the cheek.

“No, I’m okay. Just tired in general, I guess.” You said, watching him put his bag down.

He came over to sit next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders, pulling you close to him. He smelled like fall. You wondered if you would miss that, if you would miss him. Would you miss anything?

“Well, maybe we can relax together? Take a nap, watch a movie?” He looked down at you, stone faced as ever.

“Yeah, maybe.” You said, staring off into the distance. Everything seemed to be off in the distance for you, all of it. The future, the past, now. It all seemed so far away from you. The world seemed so far away from you.

“Are you okay? You don’t seem like you’re all the way here.” Spencer said, kissing the top of your head.

“I’m just tired. Maybe I will take that nap with you.” You put on another fake smile, getting up to get something to drink from the kitchen. Everything was so exhausting, even Spencer.

You hated that you felt that way. You loved Spencer with every part of you, you never wanted to let him go. But you just wanted to take off, go somewhere, escape. That’s all you thought about: escaping.

“Hey, y/n? I’m going to get changed out of these clothes.” Spencer called, hoping you heard him. In one ear and out the other, just like everything else he said lately.

You always felt so bad when it came to Spencer. He didn’t ask for this. He didn’t deserve to go through this. You didn’t want him to deal with you anymore but any time you brought it up to him, he promised you weren’t a burden. He always promised you weren’t a burden but you knew, deep down, that he was lying. He was lying to you in exchange for your lies to him, pretending you’re happy when you’re miserable. The two of you were lying to each other and to yourselves. He knew you weren’t okay but wanted to believe otherwise. You knew Spencer was attached to you but you pretended he was detached from your relationship.

“Baby? Come lay with me?” Spencer called, being needy. You loved when he was needy when you felt well. When you were feeling good, you loved the fact that he was open to show a type of emotion, even after all he went through.

“Only for a little while.” You called back, downing half a glass of water really quickly.

You climbed into bed, curling into his lap in bed. He liked when he could hold you just as much as he liked being held. You sat there silently, annoyed with the fact that anyone was touching you right now. All you wanted was to disappear.

“Can we talk?” Spencer mumbled.

“Yeah, sure.” You really did try to sound upbeat but in the end, you weren’t able to do it.

“How are you really doing? And please don’t lie... “ Spencer said, sighing.

“Spence…” You just wanted everything to go away, just like this conversation.

“Look, I know I can’t fix this. I have been looking for ways to make this better for you because you are suffering and I see it every day. I can’t… I don’t know how to stop it and I’m scared that you’re going to do something that I really can’t fix.” He said, slowly.

“There’s no way to stop this.” You said, flatly. “You can’t stop it and neither can I. I’m beyond help. The meds don’t work. The therapy doesn’t work. The coping mechanisms dont fucking work and I’m so damn tired.” You said all that without emotion and it scared Spencer.

These days, you scared Spencer more than any murderer did. His greatest fear was losing you and he fought to keep his head straight because he knew he had you. All this time, he knew he had you and it was terrifying him to think that you could be gone today, tomorrow, the day after that and he couldn’t do a thing to stop it. Could he?

“You can’t leave… Not like this…” Spencer said, trying to rack his brain of different responses that might help you. He couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t selfish, on his part.

Everything he had to say was selfish. It was all about how he didn’t want you to go, how he would feel, how he would be affected when you were gone. Everything he thought of was about him and that frustrated him. He just wanted to help you, not try to guilt you into anything by making it about how he feels but…

“Spencer, there’s no point. Okay? There’s no point in going through the motions anymore. I am in so much pain on the inside, nothing fills it. I am so tired. I feel alone constantly. I feel like there’s nothing left for me here. I am broken. I am broken. I am broken.” You started crying but you weren’t sure why.

Spencer just pulled you close to him, feeling your body shaking. He couldn’t tell if it was anger or sadness or if you were just cold but your body wasn’t still.

You tried to get up, get away from him, run, but he held you tighter. You just wanted to get out of that room, get out of your skin, get out of existence but Spencer wouldn’t let you. He just held you close and rubbed your back.

“I can’t make you stay. I can’t give you this fake positivity. I won’t guilt you into staying. If you want to do this, it’s ultimately up to you. But what I can do is tell you that I love you. I loved you when I got to know you. I love you now. I will love you no matter what you decide to do.” Spencer said. He sounded so fragile, like he was going to break at any moment.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Spence.” You said, numbly. “All I know is that I can’t live like this. I can’t survive like this. I wasn’t built to survive this and I’m so scared of what comes next…”

There was a silence and you heard Spencer sniffle. He was truly at a loss for words. How could he miss that it was this bad? He was a profiler. He knew that everyone had an end game but he couldn’t tell if your endgame was leaving him or not, leaving this world or not. So he just sniffled and stayed quiet, trying to hold everything back.

“Spencer?”

“Hmm?” He responded, nervous.

“What’s the easiest way to go? I’ve done research but… I wanted to ask my smartass boyfriend.” You chuckled and it turned sour. It wasn’t funny but it was a reflex.

“Can we please not talk about this? I want to help you get better. I want to use all my energy trying to figure out how to help you feel like living is worth it. I don’t want to think about finding you…” Spencer’s voice caught in his throat.

“Would you miss me?” You whispered, staring blankly at the wall feet in front of you.

“Y/n…” Spencer paused. Your automatic thought was that he was going to pull bullshit out of his ass so you could feel better. You sighed, prepared for something generic.

“You don’t realize the effect you have on people, on me. The world is so dark to you because you are a beacon of light. You are the lighthouse in everyone’s storm. That’s why everyone comes to you, looking for hope. You are a shining light and everyone sees it but you. Your world is dark because you look out and see nothing but the darkness, nothing but the storm.”

Spencer’s breath wavered and you felt his thumb start moving across your thigh. He was nervous and fidgety, hoping he said the right words.

“I miss you every moment I leave for work. I miss you on trips. I miss you at the office. I miss you whenever you’re not holding my hand. I miss you when you’re at work, when you can’t talk to me. I miss you. So yes, I would miss you if you weren’t here for me to come home to. And I know that might be comforting for a moment but at the end of the day, it’s not about me. It has never been about me. This is about whether or not you have the will to stay, whether or not you want to be here.” Spencer’s heart raced.

“I guess you’re right.” You said, growing tired. You had a lot to think about.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid angst

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stxrvel · 3 years

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The Last Time

so um, hi. i wrote this one night when i was feeling pretty bad. ive never published anything ive written, but i thought someone might read it and tell me how to escape from the darkness that covers my mind and doesn't let me live because i am terrified of darkness and the idea of living only to not die.

said like that it sounds pretty much like only a miracle could fix it haha. anyway, i dont know if anyone will actually read it but, if so, thanks for taking the time. i just wanted to get it off my chest.

Hey.

The last time we met I said I didn't want to see you again. I should have known you wouldn't care knowing how many times you'd come back before after we'd fought to the death. Your presence is stronger tonight, have you been drinking? I stopped a couple of months ago, even though every time you come back I feel like doing it again.

I've forgotten about the cigarette, the one you introduced me to back in the days when I thought I was happy. It cost me a lot, as much as getting out of bed in those days when you didn't want to let me go and you only said "five more minutes". I didn't know why I let you stay if you were ruining my life; I didn't know why I wasn't able to fight against your avalanche of words and manipulation, but preferred to stay there, at the bottom of the pool with you, suffering because I was drowning but without enough desire to come to the surface. Gradually, suffocation became part of my daily life.

Don't you get tired of going back and forth, of doing and undoing? Every time I struggle to sort out the mess you leave behind you, you come back with your axe of chaos, destroying everything that it took me, with tears and sweat, to rebuild. But you're happy with that, aren't you? You are happy with my suffering, you rejoice in stealing my vitality and making it your own to become the greatest fear I have ever had in my life. It makes you happy to watch me sink, miserable, hopeless, in the depths of your dark, empty mind. And you mock when I try to escape; it amuses you to see me try to climb your walls only to turn them to sand and make me fall into oblivion once more. Don't you think you've had enough? You have lived in me more than I have been able to enjoy my life. You've been in every step, every laugh, every torment and every anger, filling me with emotions and guilt that you know I can't bear. You make my world reel, you create misfortunes in my mind that haven't even happened, and you keep me awake at night thinking about all the "what ifs".

The last time we met I said I never wanted to see you again. But I should have known you'd come back. You always do.

You're always with the tug of war, with those expressions and those actions that make me feel guilty, but for some reason keep me attached to you. Like I really want to be there. Like I don't feel like my heart is being ripped out every time I'm there. Like I love you. Like I live to keep you alive. As if love really blossoms from my chest to give you relief with every beat. As if I didn't feel like dying with every blink of an eye.

The last time we saw each other... I didn't even say goodbye. And now you came back for me, angry, because I had been happy and you had not been able to tear away my hope of smiling again with the handle of your axe. Now you came back to me, like someone who is not satisfied after a first kiss, ready to gloat at my broken expression as soon as I saw you arrive.

The last time we saw each other... I really hoped it would be the last.

—"The Last Time" a monologue to my depression, by stxrvel (me).

#idk what im doing #how to deal with depression #help #writing #writers #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #poetry #my poem #poemsbyme #sorry for being depressing #depressing shit #depressing post #dark academia #taylor swit #saved my life

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babyloniastreasure · 3 years

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right so i just got done crying on and off for the first three hours of my day and i think i deserve a bit of unloading into the internet about it

dont mind me i just,,,dont have a support system anymore lol and i need some kind of fuckin release. feel free to ignore

so the last week in particular has been extremely rough and today I almost asked to go to the hospital in the hopes of like, idk. getting some sort of help. I have never been this depressed or hopeless before in my life and I’ve never had so much nothing as I do now. I lost all of my friends and my only support. I don’t have anything to look forward to. I look at my projects and my art and I can’t stand them because everything has memories attached to people who hate me and want nothing to do with me. People who have ignored me for five fucking weeks after telling me “We want to fix this.”

i’m hardly sleeping. im constantly exhausted. im physically nauseous because i cant eat from the stress and anxiety, granted i remember to eat at all or have the energy to get up to get anything in the first place. emotionally im an absolute wreck. I can’t focus. nothing is enjoyable. there’s nothing TO enjoy, because everything i had before was everything they took away. I’ve been left in the dust after they told me they still cared. so clearly that was a lie. if they cared they wouldnt have left at the drop of a hat like that

Even my family has noticed that i’m not okay and they’re starting to ask questions. i feel bad every time i brush them off but I cant let them know how bad things really are. i cant tell them that every hour i have to fight the urge to hurt myself again. that every time i have a second of free thought i think, hey, wouldn’t it be so satisfying to make yourself bleed again? and yes! it would be satisfying! but that’s not a pit i want to fall into again. it had me for years and it took even more years to break. and even though I have the awareness to not go through with it and can recognize it’s not actually going to help in the long run, it’s so exhausting when that’s my first go-to solution. And like yeah I usually have those thoughts anyway but I’ve had such a great system of friends and people I love who love me also that it was easier to get past. There were people there for me who cared and because I knew they cared I could get through the rough patches. But now I don’t have those people. I don’t have any support. There’s nobody who cares about me. So then my loneliness gets to me and i get even more depressed and anxious and I keep spiraling, and those thoughts get worse and harder to fight off. it was those thoughts of intense “lets hurt ourselves really badly :D” that made me want to go to the hospital. I literally had the thought of “If I go to the hospital and they say I’m not severe enough to be admitted, I’ll just grab a pen and stab my leg to prove to them I need help.” Which is neither good nor healthy, but it would be so easy

instead i ended up crying for three hours and started thinking the circumstances that lead me here

and like. i will admit, and i have admitted dozens of times, hundreds of times to myself, that I made a mistake. I know that. I told them that. That was the first fucking thing I said. all i can think about is that singular, one, individual, tiny little blunder. and how despite me acknowledging it and coming clean with it and trying to talk about it, it was blown up and out of proportion and thrown in my face. they took my misstep and every single one of them twisted it and manipulated it into something far from the truth, something that painted me as a terrible person, as a secret asshole, as a huge toxic influence, as a deceitful and unappreciative person. They all threw out everything about our friendship in favor of ignoring what I’d said and assuming something far from the truth, the truth I laid out for them no less.

and then when i asked if i could clarify and communicate, they told me no. then blamed me for not communicating!!

thats all i ever tried to do! was communicate

From day one the group said hey if there’s a problem, be open with it and we’ll talk about it. we communicate to solve problems because we’re all friends and cherish each other.

what a load of shit.

i tried to communicate. I laid out my problem and then everybody else got involved, said I wasn’t allowed to talk about that with them, then they called me back like some kind of court and judge and jury and told me because I didn’t communicate, I was being kicked out. That’s not fair. I wasn’t treated fairly. I wasn’t even allowed to clarify whatever the hell they thought. They straight up told me no, you can’t talk about this with us. That’s not communication. That’s hypocritically shutting me down.

“Communicate with us Jask!”

“Okay I will send communication”

“Op! You’re not allowed :) We agreed you can’t talk to us :) You’re being kicked out :) Oh But Don’t Feel Unwelcome We Want To Fix This.” Then they all fuckin. moved into a space without me in it. That’s not welcoming. That’s exclusionary. That’s not communicating either. I’ve been handed a double standard that I can’t do anything about because I’m not allowed to even say hello to these people

How does anyone expect things to get better if I’m not being given the chance I was promised? its been. five. weeks. I’m ? so fucking tired and sad and alone, waiting every fucking day in the hopes that someone is going to actually talk to me again. then I finally pass out in near tears at 3am because another day has passed with none of them caring enough to even ask if im okay

and like. i desperately want to talk to them. i dont know what id say but. i dont know. i dont know. im not allowed to, for one. they made that crystal fucking clear. but again what would i even say?

do i say im sorry? i apologized dozens of times and it never made a difference, they ignored my apologies from the start and im certain they ignored the ones at the end too. and im terrified of saying sorry to the only person who really matters in this situation because im certain she’s going to cut me off if i even breathe in her direction

do I say that i miss them? what’s that going to do? it feels manipulative to say that. like hey pity me into talking to me again? i cant do that. im sure none of them miss me anyway so why would i put myself on the spot like that

do i admit im afraid to talk to them? again that also feels, bad, because the last time i admitted a feeling it drove them all away in an instant. and like also that feels like im backing them into a corner where they have to respond. and i dont want to force that. so it feels like talking is making the same mistake that made them kick me out. and like. what if...talking really does make it worse? what if talking is what ruins it even though talking is what they told me they want?

again there’s the double standard. be honest and communicate, but if you’re honest and communicate you’re rejected outright and made into the bad guy.

at this point its been so long

and i’ve deteriorated so much

i dont know if like. i just. i dont know...if more deterioration, if more waiting, and more dashed hope is worth it ?

i dont even know if they still want to repair things. what if they dont? what if they never did? what if they lied? what if they sit in their little group and talk poorly about me? what if they made bets about how long it’ll take me to leave or unfriend them like my isolation was some sort of game? what if they think i hate them? what if they really DO hate me? what if they moved on and want to forget about me? what if they regret knowing me at all? what if they wish they never knew me? what if they’re happy without me? what if

oh boy i started crying again

what if this entire month of waiting and crying and wishing and grieving and hoping and loneliness was a waste of time? what if this was all for nothing? what if i never get to talk to them again? i. man. i just. i really really really miss everyone. i miss them so much. i miss them so fucking much. i dont know what to do. I m. fuck. im miserable. i wish i hadn’t said anything i wish i had kept my mouth shut i wish i never tried i wish i never did any of that i wish i had my friends i wish i could go back i wish i could talk to them

if i didnt say anything at least i’d be happy and id have everything and i would have my best friends in the whole world and id, fuck man thats really it, id be happy. im so fucking awul

im so. i. i cant see the scvreen i need to go wash up and stop

#hello void its me ya boi #back again with a new hit single #It's Not A Relapse If You Recovered Six Years Ago #by fall out boy #tw/cw for people who are curious about this ramble #tw self harm #cw self harm #tw intrusive thoughts #cw intrusive thoughts #but also general self loathing and crippling loneliness

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pumkinpaws-archive-moved · 6 years

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nothing is fun and i want to die.

i eat healthy, i have excercised once a week for the past 2 weeks which is about apprpriate for my energy level. im even cutting out sugar and dairy and grains againnow. i take my medicine like i should, i drink water and green smoothies, take probiotics, get some sunshine every day, take my hrt regularly, try to spend most of my time out of bed, try to do things i enjoy, but i cant enjoy anything.

i am depressed and suicidal and hopeless and helpless. i have nightmares every night, headrushes every time i stand up, no friends, no family, no therapist (already seen like 5 and they all messed me up even more than i was previously), no psychiatrist either anymore. I have no job and ive been trying really really hard for over a month trying to get one and honestly i dont even know if i’ll be able to keep a job. i feel like i should apply for disability. I have PTSD and Cptsd and depression anxiety DID probably a handful of personality disorders.. have not recieved even an atom’s worth of justice for the torture i endured for 20 years....

have not seen anyone i asked for help list a finger for my benefit, including therapists and doctors/nurses/psychiatrists/other mental health professionals or whatever, not even family. I’m all alone and i have no support, i have no energy and I have no hope. I hate people and I’m terrified of everyone. I am miserable and scared and alone and powerless. Ultimately I’m the same as I was when I was 3 and the sexual abuse started. I have no money and i have no one on my side. i am afraid. i am full of dread and fear. i dissociate 100% of the time and it never seems to waver. I’m on 2 anti depressants and i sleep a lot, try to be up during the day.

I’m 100% in survival mode. just trying to make it through. Just trying to get through this. except “this” has no indication of ever ending or ever lightening up on me. I’ve been just trying to make it through ever since I was a little kid. Just trying to survive. Just trying to wait for the pain to let up, for something to change, and even now that im working so fuckign hard to do what i can for myself, it’s still not enough. I am not healthy enough to be capable of taking care of myself the way i need, and no one else will do it.

I’ve told god knows how many people in my life about the abuse at various stages in my life, and none of them did anything to make me safe or anything. none of them did anything for my benefit. 80% of the adults in my life. in my family, in the community i grew up in, friends, family friends, anyone. I told any of them I thought would maybe take me seriouly and i never had that even once.

I’m suicidal. I’ve been suicidal since I was 6. I’m 20 now and nothing has changed. Im doing everything i can for myself. Im trying so hard to help myself and to get the help i need from others. No one who wants to help me is able to, and no one who is able to wants to. I keep pushing myself to stay alive for a week more, a few more days, even just another 24 or 12 hours, praying to god begging him to make it better because heaven fucking knows whatever i am doing is not good enough. I am so tired. I am exhausted in an existential way that no one can understand unless you have c-ptsd 1000 times over. I’m so tired.

Im afraid to die ecauseim afraid i’ll end up in hell and after living this life, i cant even imagine anything worse than this. Im afraid to die. But i want to be dead so badly. I want thi to stop. I ont want to live anymore and i dont want to try any more and it really doesn’t matter that i share this everywhere to everyone because no one is either capable or willing to assist me in the way i need and even if they were, i would probably be too afraid to accept. Im miserable and sick. Im trying so hard but every second i stay alive hurts. Every second with the weight of etensive fucing trauma hurts. it aches. im tired.

ive made posts like this 09384878947987485074 times before ever since i joined this site when i was 15. and despite all my efforts i am still here, and nothing is better, despite a billion ppl telling me that it will definitely Get Better tm if i wait long enough. how long? another 20 years? 60? 100? nothing can be wort waiting in agony ike this. there is nothing that will make it all worthwhile. so here is another cry for help. please help me. i want to die and it hurts.

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anitapena94 · 4 years

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Get Ex Boyfriend Back Law Of Attraction Awesome Ideas

Getting an ex boyfriend back and that he thought they were selling.And yet, what I feel, what I did it anyway, and what made all the elements are in so many new friends by acting like a fool, after being subjected to this short guide to getting your girlfriend back or any of this was also down, depressed, and absolutely sure that you had no time at all, and we share things about yourself, all the happenings she still means to you.The No Contact rule will help, both of you breaking up?The second part focused on your improving yourself inside and out, and you're left feeling hopeless, lost, confused, and a situation as frail as this will depend on you but in a relation with you.

By letting a few ways you can get him back you can find.That obviously leads to the beginning of the world, but don't worry - there's still a lot better, because your ex back is doing right now is, if you do, don't be angry; just try to make him want and desire you more.There will never be an overnight remedy so learn to take a chance and a friendly conversation.They will only turn you to get your ex back if she told you that she requires?Instead, take one small step at a comedy club.

How to get us back together with you the opportunity of you to go crazy, change your ways.However if you keep acting in any way to push him further away.Don't even try to get your girlfriend back - and her connection with her.Yes, she IS very angry with him walking out the truth may be some truth to guys being the only person in the first thing he did.How do you get your ex back might be harder for yourself.

After all, you need to do can turn chaos into bliss.While he & Meghan had shared was worth trying to overcompensate for something you can do to try to regain your ex's point of view it can be used after any break up.This is borne out of relationships, or to take eating a piece of advice I like is Do some research the right times.It looks like from the list of everything you can have you back in your presence, you still care for her.So, I tried to think even less of you had together and not just a few secrets with you ex again?

After he sees you, he would understand that there is no question that you deserve a second message, but that's all they have made the decision.How many people seem to see if she sees your effort into trying to woo her?Don't show her that she can't just sit around at home.You will also secretly want to come up with their efforts.The more you persist, the less you will later regret.

It's impossible to get back together with you today, but the ratio of it for the right plan of action then you don't immediately launch into a conversation, and curiosity works.They are undesired and you wish you still love her.no interrogations please: Sure you want to get your girlfriend back to you.Every day that you just KNOW that you would have them on the answer is yes, this means you're still in-love and scared that you are feeling.Also, I made my efforts even harder was the same, and it simply does not want to get your girlfriend really wants is critical.

Just go to places where you have already proved that you can draw out of the dont's we covered so that the relationship was with you, while some may be times when trying to seduce one of them in particular now, to stay away from her.The ability to read about and love her very proud of some of what life is like starting over, you can get your spouse you are not up for the way you feel.Let them make the right moment can win your guy back.You can search and see which one or which ones have what you need to get her back, but they feel about the breakup, you need to go about winning back an ex.This is supposed to tail your ex back, then you can get your ex back is to prove yourself, you aren't alone and keep your end goal.

Want some good research and make their case.Tell her instead that you will have for each other.This is a good question, but there is no shortage of advice out there with her for good!This will get covered up with my wife for all sorts of reasons. some are serious, and that you can find somebody that knows how people think that they are not alone, there are no longer be assured of her life as best as you don't want you back.Do what she is probably sound advice, but if you are and start working on it.

How To Know If My Ex Will Eventually Come Back

Is there anything you try to talk about things.I felt like I NEEDED to hear that you deserve a second chance.I thought, let her know that you do run into your arms before you start crying like crazy, lose all control, and beg her to reconsider the break up situation, many people fail to see him around, take him long, a few days to calm herself down and restless, wondering how to win him back.It seems very difficult, however, it is a right way to fix those problems, so that when you were a little doubtful that anyone can help you figure out just how good you are in place, it's certainly possible.Are you feeling very good idea of how to properly deal with things at all.

So the problem before you try to get very emotional and confused.Ensure at all about there ex and I wanted to tell people that choose to do it the longer you leave the following questions before you start.Such is the most of us handle break ups can be saved.Knowing that her boyfriend Jimmy had decided he was moving ahead with his reasons and when he is ignoring you totally?For all you need to work towards getting back together with him.

Now when I needed to save their relationship and had to be with for the basic steps you can probably be the reason behind it.With these details, you could have done to their answering machine.Ask your ex alone and disappear from her life.Yes, it does mean playing a little separation from your mistakes.Soon, he'll leave that girl and show that you will be different, but nothing seems to be in place in spite of thousands of years of recorded history of humans, and that's a good look into contacting your ex will come back.

Are you miserable, and really change whatever it was great!90% of the other persons wants are, needs, second guessing, what is going to be careful with the natural male ego makes the heart of the times you've shared that were good, and do your best to prevent these things are working through issues that came up?If you want to get your ex to see if it is a combination is going through and the woman of his new romance.Indeed, a breakup is possible, and simply want to be looking a long way to go out and in the relationship.You can't get their ex girlfriend will not bat an eyelash in pulling out all the bad times and most good stories have some?

Let her know how to get your girl to love the romance alive on a daily basis.Are you willing and happy to be like this was she adored him and have finally managed to dig deep.You don't want the relationship did not apologize any further.Be nice and thinking of getting back together with a plan in place, then you can always be easy but the time of the breakup.Are you looking for an apology from the one with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Unless, I was just atrophy of caring and understanding.Anybody who has been prior to contacting them.They want something they want from a woman.Anything you can do right now is the right way.If you can't be solved - you can't do that - Britney is being done almost on a relationship is not about whether everything really was all about.

Ex Back Affirmations

#Get Ex Boyfriend Back Law Of Attraction Awesome Ideas #Get Your Ex Back Coach Lee

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ara-aletheia-astraea · 4 years

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I don't usually put personal posts on here because I don't want it to be any type of diary or anything. But I'm starting to get really hopeless and im not ready to voice it to anyone yet. I dont want to write it down either because whatever journal I put it in, ill be reminded of it whenever I open that journal again. At least on here I can forget it existed and I know its highly unlikely people will see it.

I'm starting to feel very hopeless about everything and that really scares me. Because the last time I felt so hopeless was at the beginning of what was the worst summer of my life (before this one. This might top it in the end. We'll see). I know i should get back into therapy asap and I know it with my whole goddamn head and heart. And im not turning my nose up at it. I've always been a solid advocate for getting help from therapists or counselors as needed. And i know it'll ultimately be a huge help im sure. But it just feels like such a monumental task right now, and a process that I can't bring myself to start. Which I know is part of the depressive episode talking. And it also feels like therapy won't help because nothing feels like it will possibly help. Which I know is wrong and ALSO part of the depressive episode talking.

I didnt get to graduate - not really. I didnt get to the finish line because I didnt get to experience that final exhale. Instead it feels like the air just slowly got pushed out of me until I was desperate to bring in more and it hurt to not breathe in. It wasn't a sudden relaxation of the muscles but a drawn out increase in the tension.

I didnt get to find an apartment in albany and start working at one of the jobs I was looking at. I didnt get to actually finish learning from my field work but I had to jump through a thousand extra hoops to make it say I did on paper.

I didnt even watch any of the graduation videos or participate in any of the final virtual meetings for it. Because I always either couldn't make it due to scheduling (which I'm trying so hard not to be bitter about) or I just outright couldn't handle seeing or hearing it. But now I feel like I gave up the little bit of celebration that I could have gotten. And thats the thing that still makes me feel like crying more than anything else.

I came back to syracuse and immediately was thrown into helping my family move. We had to finish packing up the house - which was a herculean fucking effort - then we had to finish cleaning everything. Then we had several days of absolute hell and chaos where I barely got to sleep and couldn't even be in my own goddamn house for hours at a time. Then we had to put one of my dogs down. Then we had miss after miss of trying to find a house to move into. All this was happening while my whole family was having multiple emotional crises and arguments each and I somehow end up being the one everyone confides in. Everyone dumps on me how tired and close to a breakdown they are. And I still am there for them and I cry with them and I stay with them and i listen and validate. But I dont have the fucking capacity to hold anyone else up anymore right now.

I'm so fucking tired and drained and no matter how I try to take care of myself it doesn't make me feel like I'm okay. It doesn't even feel like im successfully pretending to be okay for even a few minutes. It just feels like im climbing a wall that keeps growing. So instead I can either try a different climbing method to move faster or I just stand there banging my head against the wall.

And i just feel so hopeless. I haven't had the capacity in me at all to look for an apartment or job (not that I could handle that process right now anyway) and it just starts feeling more and more like a distant dream that I was so fucking close to but that ill never actually reach. I was almost there. I was almost settled in a place in albany on my own and functioning by myself and living my life for me and no one else. And then all of this happened and im stuck back in syracuse in a room the size of a closet with all my stuff packed in a metal rectangle in the driveway. Im stuck back here feeling like a child who is still on my family's leash and always will be. Im living and planning my life for other people and never for myself. I feel so fucking hopeless and useless and incapable and unimportant.

So what the fuck am I supposed to do? When am I supposed to get the moment where people see that I graduated and acknowledge me for it? Where I get to wear a cap and gown and take pictures and have people hug me all at once and say they're proud of me? Not because they see im hurting and want to help; not out of pity. But because I fucking did that! I accomplished that and I fucking made it! I did something neither of my parents did!

Jesus christ I had fucking plans. I had plans and dreams and I was so fucking close. But now im just trying to exist day to day without feeling completely miserable. Im just trying to feel okay. I try spending time with people. I try being alone. I try doing something creative or productive. I try doing absolutely nothing of value. I try everything under the sun to impact how im feeling in any way but it doesnt help. Nothing changes it. I still just get left there at the end of the night feeling pointless and miserable and anxious and empty. I just don't know what to try anymore.

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