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nerdy-talks · 6 months

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Warning : This post is going to be a very personal rage dump/rant.

There are heavy topics involved, including cancer and death. Also explicit language.

Out of consideration and respect to those of you who would prefer not to read it (since I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to), I will continue under the cut

Also pictures of my dogs, to break up the doom and gloom ^^"

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I absolutely despise, loathe, hate toxic people.

Especially when those toxic people are the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” type.

Especially when those people don’t have the fucking balls to confront others directly and just choose to slink about behind the scenes like scummy little vermin.

So… my uncle Joe passed away a few days ago.

It was expected. He had been battling pancreatic cancer, which ended up spreading into his liver and lungs.

With that being said, even though he will be dearly missed, at least he no longer has to suffer.

I was close with my uncle.

In fact, it’s no exaggeration to say that I was much closer to him than I was with my own father (my Dad was a permanent presence in my life up until the day he died, but we had an extremely tumultuous, dysfunctional, volatile, abusive relationship.)

We visited my uncle Joe regularly ever since I was a baby, all the way up until somewhat recently. He spent countless hours at our place throughout the years. He was super close with my parents, doing tons of outdoorsy activities with them. I spent a good amount of my childhood with his family. When his wife passed away, my parents helped him and supported him. He helped us move twice. My Mom took his kids places when she was just dating my Dad. When my Dad passed away, my uncle Joe was there for me without me even having to ask.

Literally everything was good between us, and always has been.

It’s also thanks to my uncle Joe that we gained a new furry member of our family last year, who we named Dandy 💙 my uncle’s dog had puppies, he asked how many we wanted, so we took one lol

(I’ll include a few poor quality pictures because… well, I should probably break up this message with a little “positivity”, right?)

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This was Dandy when he was still just a baby, 4 weeks and 3 days old.

Look at the cute little potato 🥹

We visited my uncle Joe every week to see him grow and develop, anxiously waiting until he was old enough to bring home.

And this was the day he finally joined our family ~

Look at how tiny he was compared to my one Black Lab (sorry for the terrible quality picture. Our carpets are old, but I swear they don't look that dingy ^^")

And here's Dandy today, one year and five months later ~

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Anyway! Back to my rage-fueled rant :

My uncle Joe met someone about a year and a half ago, and she moved in with him pretty quickly.

Which certainly wasn't a bad thing. We were genuinely happy for him.

She seemed very nice, sweet, accepting, kind, receptive, and welcoming.

But for whatever reason, the dynamic changed the moment my uncle fell ill and the control landed in her hands.

Since my uncle Joe was sick, we all mutually decided that it would be best if communication was between my Mom/me and her (we would text her to check in to see how he was doing, as well as find out if/when it was a good time for us to visit)

This is where some inconsistencies started to appear.

For example :

She would tell us not to visit because my uncle was too sick (which was totally understandable!), but then would tell us a few days later how he was doing great and had fishing trips planned all week.

I 100% believed her at the time.

After all, everyone has both good and bad days.

But then when we would visit, my uncle Joe told us how he couldn’t fish anymore because the chemo was causing neuropathy in his hands, and he couldn’t hold his fishing pole or cast/reel the line in.

Though we just assumed he discovered those issues after she told us about those supposed fishing trips.

But the true eye-opener happened during our one visit. My uncle Joe welcomed us into his home, we talked, found out some updates about his health (which was declining), etc. He was open/transparent with us about everything.

When my uncle went to the bathroom during that visit, his girlfriend made the comment “I probably should have told you guys not to come here, since he’s in a lot of pain today.”

Knowing my uncle, I didn’t budge from my seat. I knew that if he wasn’t up for company, he wouldn't hesitate to tell us to leave.

And I’m glad we didn’t leave… because literally 10 minutes later, her granddaughter came waltzing in to visit her.

My uncle came out of the bathroom, sat on the sofa doubled over in pain as he was talking to me and my Mom (at this time, we asked him directly if we should leave, since we knew he was dealing with a lot and we didn't want to overstay our welcome. He told us not to leave, that we could stay because he felt like shit regardless).

But as he was sitting there, clearly in pain, his girlfriend and her granddaughter asked him to get up and carve a watermelon for them instead of doing it themselves.

What sense does that make?

'I should have told you guys to stay away, but I’m gonna make him strain himself and carve a watermelon for us even though he’s already suffering and struggling enough'

…. Okay. Fuck you too.

We obviously didn’t say anything. We just visited for a little while longer, then left with a friendly/cordial “goodbye, nice to see you again” to her and her granddaughter, told my uncle that we would be thinking about him and see him again, and wished them a good day.

Two and a half months passed before we heard from them again.

Why? Because she refused to answer our numerous calls and texts.

She deliberately ignored us, which actively prevented us from having an opportunity to see my uncle.

And she knew damn well that we wouldn’t just show up at my uncle’s house unannounced because we didn’t want to disturb him if he wasn’t feeling up for company.

We only got in contact with him again after he directly called our phone and left a message saying “hey, just checking in. I hope you’re both doing okay, since I haven’t heard from either of you in a while. Stop by when you can”.

So we went to his house.

When we explained the situation to my uncle Joe/passive aggressively confronted his girlfriend, her excuse was “oh, sorry. The reception here is bad so my phone was probably just acting up.”

For two and a half months?

Even though she was literally using her phone in front of us, which appeared to be working perfectly fine?

Even though she’s always on her phone every time we see her?

Even though she could have reached out to us, yet chose not to? Not even once in two and a half months??

I call bullshit.

My Mom even told her that she was on the verge of sending a text that said “okay, cunt.” since we thought she was ignoring us after not responding to our multiple texts/calls.

We all laughed it off as a joke, Joe's girlfriend even said “hahaha, I probably would have laughed if I got a text like that!” … but it most certainly was not a joke.

(My Mom is extremely outspoken and normally doesn’t hold back, especially when it counts. She’s the type of person you either love or hate, but she’s definitely one of a kind and the perfect example of a strong, independent woman who gives zero fucks lol)

Anyway, that visit went well. We behaved like usual, talked to both my uncle and his girlfriend normally, caught up on stuff, etc.

After that interaction, his girlfriend miraculously responded to every single call and text (bad reception, huh? Funny how she had zero service issues after we called her out in front of my uncle)

But basically every time we talked with her, she would say “it’s not a good time to come by, he’s really sick.”

And we would always respond with things like “we totally understand”, “thank you so much for letting us know”, “we wish there was something we could do to help”, “we’re here for you if you ever need anything or anyone to talk to since we know this also isn’t easy for you”, “we’ll check in next weekend”, “please take care of yourself”, “we’ll be thinking about you”, etc.

Then finally, my uncle Joe told us to stop up again two weeks ago. So we did.

He was extremely sick and remained in bed, but we said hello and he told us that we are more than welcome there and we could just visit with his girlfriend. So we did. The visit remained cordial and friendly.

The next day, my uncle called and apologized for not getting up when we were there.

We immediately told him that he has absolutely no reason to be sorry, that we completely and wholeheartedly understand, that we would understand even if he told us to leave the moment we arrived, and that we were keeping him in our thoughts.

The week after that, his girlfriend said he was too sick for company (which again, we obviously understood and thanked her for letting us know, wished them the best, etc).

We didn’t visit my uncle Joe after that. He passed away before we had another opportunity to see him.

Now, here’s where my anger starts to come into play :

His girlfriend didn’t let us know when he passed away.

We found out from my other uncle, Mike, two days later. (My Dad had 3 brothers. His eldest brother is my uncle Joe who just passed away. His youngest brother is my uncle Mike who let us know what happened.)

So my Mom called her and offered her condolences, asked how she was doing, told her that we’re here for her, and asked about the arrangements. My Mom also told her that Mike was the one who let us know about Joe.

She made the comment “there’s going to be a small ceremony, but only for immediate family.”

Which didn’t make sense to me or my Mom. We were both very close with my uncle Joe, we are family. So that comment seemed a bit… off?

But we dismissed it and instead talked to my uncle Mike.

We asked him to please keep us updated, since we wanted to pay our respects to my uncle Joe and our family.

Well… I don’t know what the Hell that lady said to my cousin (Joe’s son), but he told my uncle Mike not to tell us anything else.

That snake in the grass obviously ran back and told my cousin that we found out about Joe’s passing from Mike.

But uhh... We deserved to know.

Now, we literally just found out this morning that the ceremony was held yesterday. We weren't invited (the day/time wasn't publicly announced).

We were excluded. We were denied the opportunity to say our final goodbye.

I blame his girlfriend. Completely and entirely.

I especially find it super interesting that she didn’t attend the ceremony either… almost like she was afraid that we might possibly show up and confront her (which we would never do, purely out of respect for my uncle Joe)

When my uncle Mike told us, he apologized. But we told him that we don’t blame him, since we certainly didn’t want to put him in the middle of it.

It just pisses me the fuck off.

Bad enough she actively prevented us from seeing my uncle Joe, even on his “good” days. But then to keep us away from the ceremony too?

And she HAD to have fed my cousin a bunch of lies and bullshit to cause him to tell my uncle Mike not to inform us of anything. (Luckily for us, my uncle Mike loves to talk so he didn’t mind spilling the tea. He just felt guilty for not doing so sooner. But I understand why he waited, and I hold zero animosity towards him)

It’s especially confusing and upsetting since we always remained on good terms with all of my cousins.

We saw my cousins regularly, got along well with them, joked around with them.

Literally nothing that we did or didn’t do would warrant such a reaction from them.

If there was any fault on our end, I certainly wouldn’t be angry about this situation or waste my time typing this up. (I'm not the type of person who plays the victim, I admit when I'm wrong and own up to my faults/wrongdoings. That just isn't the case here.)

So it’s seriously a mystery to me… which is why I blame my uncle Joe’s girlfriend.

Absolutely nothing changed in the decades of knowing my uncle and his kids. Literally the only recent change was her coming into the picture.

(I also want blame my cousin, since he’s older than me and has a mind of his own… but I also know that he’s grieving the loss of his father, so I feel like that bitch took advantage of the situation to say whatever she wanted about us while my cousin is vulnerable and not thinking clearly/properly).

Regardless of the finer details…. I am absolutely livid.

It’s like a giant “fuck you” to us, like we aren’t good enough, like our feelings don’t matter.

And that pisses me off beyond belief.

I’m debating whether or not I should confront her.

On one hand, I probably should just let it go and move on.

But on the other hand… I want to play dumb, call her, and be like “How are you doing? Do you know when the ceremony is?“ just to see what she says.

And then tell her to go fuck herself.

Is that immature of me? Sure.

But I’m angry. Annoyed. Irritated. Fuming. My rage is boiling, my wrath is building. And I feel like exploding.

Needless to say… my Mom was right. That lady is a cunt. A toxic, festering, diabolical, oozing, gaping, pungent cunt.

If you’ve read up to this point, I genuinely apologize for dumping all of this off here.

I just needed to vent a bit.

I also owe everyone who has tagged me a HUGE thank you. You have all given me a much needed distraction from everything, plus I genuinely love being tagged.

So I will absolutely start posting/replying to those a little later (I've already started on them and have them saved in my drafts, I just want to finish them all and post everything at once lol)

#I might delete this later #I find comfort in the idea that Satan would be proud of my wrath/anger right now lol #all joking aside....#I have so much to say to her yet she's not worth the time or energy #I'm over the two-faced high school bullshit #maybe she likes drama but I don't #just another reason for me to hate people #it might be sad to say but....#... Tumblr is the only place where I can count on interacting with genuinely nice people #I just feel bad for being so damn dismissive/absent lately #I promise I'll make it up to you all #and thank you for being so patient with me 💙#nerdy talks #nerdy vents #nerdy rages #?#I am angry #personal #rest in peace uncle joe 💙

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plexippusangel · 3 months

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Jesus my mom was literally gloating yesterday about finding opportunities to make me work to make ends meet bc "we're not a family that gives support for free" meanwhile she's not even paying me minimum wage and she has given my sisters SO MUCH for free and I'm not saying they should get less but I would like some too maybe? I did give her a look I could not pretend to be civil about that.

Like what the fuck. Who deserves it if not me??? I was changing your youngest child's diapers when I was FOUR YEARS OLD and you used to brag to your friends about how responsible I was for doing that. They all wished they had a kid like me to help out!!! I deserve back pay honestly. Some of my mom colleagues were talking about how it makes sense that my mom isn't letting her grown daughter living with her help with the laundry since the kids always do it wrong, meanwhile I was doing the majority of the laundry in the house from the time I was 12, and I just had to laugh that shit off. Oh, I was getting yelled at for folding my dad's socks and underwear wrong, but I was doing the damn laundry.

I had to beg for money on tumblr to get money for doctors' appointments for the infection that fucking disabled me. For six fucking months, I repeatedly had to wait until I got enough money together AND could beg someone to give me a ride with that shit festering just because I was working and my parents didn't think it was fair to give me money when I??? Had a job too??? Yeah my student job where I was spending all my money buying food on campus because I didn't have the strength to cook for myself because I had a fever for months on end and was dissociating because of the level of pain I was in. I had professors stocking food and ordering food for events that they knew nobody would eat just so they could send it home with me because they could tell I was struggling. Oh, and the rest of my money was going to groceries my sister would eat with her eating disorder that my parents did nothing to treat. And tuition, since my scholarship and financial aid covered almost everything but I didn't get any help with what was left.

If my parents didn't have the money, I'd get it, but they fucking do. I almost wasn't ALLOWED to apply for FAFSA because they didn't want me seeing how much money they made and feeling betrayed that they put all their cash into big house instead of college fund.

Idk. I'm just angry because there is so much shit that I deal with where I can see exactly where it came from and how it could have been avoided. I could be healthy right now. I could be driving my Subaru around taking my kayak up to the late on the weekends in summer, cross country skiing in the fall, out and proud, maybe with a gorgeous partner, maybe not, but in another life I could have been so, so happy.

And I do okay for myself! And I love myself! And I am proud of where I've managed to get myself even when it feels impossible but what the FUCK

#faer personal files #i might delete this later i am just feeling so angry about so much shit and i'd be writing this in my diary if i didn't need there to be a #chance that somebody would see it #parentified child bullshit

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my-faymelodyz · 1 year

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Story time cuz I’m angry and hungry

OKAY SO

My uncle is in town and I do NOT like him at all 😍🙏🏼 he is so mean, judgmental and literally makes fun of me for ANYTHING I do.

So today my grandma told me he’s coming over and I am 1 IN PJS 2 I LOOK LIKE A RAT 3 I LOOK SO BAD

And so I go back upstairs cuz I can’t deal with judgment rn 🤭

AND ITS BEEN TOO LONG AND I HAVENT EATEN SOMEONE SAVE ME PLEASE 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

#I am not okay.#kiwi times #kiwi talks #I hate my dads side of the family sm it’s like not funny anymore please go away 😍🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼#feeling angry might delete this later 😍🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

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mandrakeboo · 4 months

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genshin fanon makes me sooo mad. like do they even realize that kaveh and alhaitham actually do talk to each other normally. that they usually don't bicker, and actually enjoy each other's company? that they have friendly debates and conversations? do they that they're both individuals with really high standards for themselves, and that's why they work so well together?

(more under cut so it's easier to scroll past)

or that gorou is a leader, and a general, who genuinely cares for each and every person in his army? who works very hard to grow stronger to attempt to present physically as the expectations of general say he should? that he isn't a weak or cowardly person, but instead gets harassed, misgendered, and unfairly treated by someone who he'll never have the social status to challenge? that all of his people who died under his orders, even in the fight for freedom, still weigh heavily on his heart? and that he'll have to deal with it for the rest of his life, because the only other person he has to support him has an even heavier burden of ruling an entire country while struggling with insomnia?

that baizhu isn't just his illness, but also isn't just healthy or normal either? that his life every day is the suffering and constant pain that comes with his contract, but also the wonder and beauty that comes alongside it with everyone he heals? that his humanity comes from his suffering, but also the good he creates alongside it?

to say it again because it's 12 and I Don't Need To Have Coherent Thought; fanon makes me sooo mad. noo the short guys aren't twinks. no the tall men and women aren't your waifus or husbandos (I think people who use those words should have their tongue cut out, only half kidding but nobody cares). nooo don't remove their emotional depth and turn them into a marketable plushie. don't collei them. cherish them and accept their flaws as who they are, not as something to be fixed or changed.

#kaveh #alhaitham #gorou #baizhu #by mandrakeboo #this one... might be a delete later #depends on how I feel in the morning (<- liar who will not wake up until the afternoon)#genshin impact #no obligation to read this btw. I'm just insane in the brain or whatever that saying is #SORRY COLLEI FANS I LOVE HER. but she was soo angry traumatized scared dog in manga. and now she's like sad scared cat. which is #like reverse character development sorry. I want vengeful 2 confirmed kills collei back. but also not? how do I explain this.#put her in a room with wanderer and see him come out crying. basically

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jeonqkooks · 4 months

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#need to quickly pop off once and be done with it bc i don’t think i’ve ever actually gone off about this on main #might delete later or might not. depends on how angry i am lol #but i’m kinda sick of the out-of-pocket comments that keep dropping on my head once every couple of weeks lol #we used to be a society #now i’m getting shit for not liking jk as much and for liking someone else??? @.@#yoongi did not raise you to be this way #what makes you think i’d wanna go back to being a hardcore stan when you’re shitting on me for stepping back #(not all of you ofc… just some)#but yeah 🥴 why do you always have to pit these people against each other #asking me if i like bts or skz’s music more and then making a mean comment when i say i think they’re both good #acting like this fandom or the tannies themselves are inherently superior to other fandoms/groups #why are you bringing stan twt bullshit to my house #we used to be a society! @.@#i’m not gonna entertain weird asks about this anymore bc even tho i like to fight (lol) -#these ‘arguments make me feel like i’m talking to a wall #saurrr for the love of god do not come at me with the whole ‘you don’t even like jk’ bs anymore #anywhomst 😑#jen rambles

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just-another-colin-kinnie · 1 year

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whats with all this AI replacing writers/artists/whatever creative field stuff?

It’s really not that hard. We, as humans, live for art of all kinds. If that art is suddenly artificially produced on mass with no heart or passion, then we simply have nothing to live for. Would you live to work nonstop then pay to live (for basically absolutely nothing) for the rest of your now empty life?

#sorry suddenly got upset but you get the jist #might delete this later idk lets see how embarrassed i get waking up to this #my own opinion AHAA #also i have no idea how to tag this so ill try my best #writing #art #anti ai writing #anti ai art #anti ai #the stars talk #ugh angry artist posting fr #at least poorly constructed properties made by humans make me feel something . i would take bad over fake #any day of the week

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strawberryaeris · 9 months

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You ever want to make art out of rage/anger You ever feel depressed but in a way that's like "I'm going to kill the next person I see" Kind of a mood atm

#rambling #for context i'm fine i'm just getting a bit overwhelmed i'm in #just with someone specifically because they do not have any patience nor is very good with consent/taking no or anything other than a yes #for an answer and it's kinda draining me a bit considering I feel like I'm the one having to deal with them a lot of the time #especially during rps #i still might make some art to vent it out after af depending if my feelings are still there #sorry for the sudden rant i'm just. angry and exhausted all of a sudden.#might delete later

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maxaroniiiii · 9 months

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doing so bad right now

#i wanna just stop existing #but i cant even post about it on here anymore cause now ppl follow me #i dont want to talk about it because i cant talk about anything well enough for it to matter #i want to atleast let my mom know but she hasnt responded to my texts and seemed angry yesterday so im too scared #my dad and sister are out of the question because my dad would probably make fun of me #and my problems arent as big as my sisters #id probably get in triuble because everyone else is at such a high point #and im 20 and still at my parrnts apartmenr #i dont have a job i have agoraphobia i need someone to explain simple instructions #im not even allowed to really acknowledge that i have mental issues #i want to delet later but ill probably forget #i feel awful even posting because if someone sees tbis they might get upset

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gregmarriage · 11 months

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rant incoming:

i’ve known my sister doesn’t think of me as her sister or really give a shit about me since i was like seven years old. nor does my other sister, but at least she actually tried to be a sister and played dolls with me when i was little. the other one never really tried at all. she’s older, sure, but what does that matter? are you too grown up now you’re 13 to play with your little sister? now we’re all adults, it feels like we’ve lost something. maybe we never had it in the first place. my sister basically saying me and my brother are nothing to her because we’re only a half sibling. probably explains why me and my brother are closer. my sisters have always lived away from us, but that doesn’t necessarily have to affect your closeness. my brother could eventually move out and it wouldn’t change anything between us. my sisters complain i don’t talk to them. but what do i say? you don’t think of me as a real person. as your real sibling. i’m just a person you go through the motions with. you just deal with me, because we share the same dad. what do we talk about? the fact that i don’t have kids or a boyfriend? a fact i felt you always looked down on me for, long before i came out. i can’t relate to you, i can’t go out for drinks and talk about guys. i have no babies to talk about, and even if i did, you’d treat them the same, and i wouldn’t wish that on an innocent child. i can’t talk about being autistic or mentally ill or my physical health issues, because i know you don’t take me seriously. you talk about me behind my back, but you won’t say anything to my face and that’s somehow worse. if you’re going to be cruel, at least be brave about it. i have absolutely nothing in common with you and i never did. you never care to know my interests. if i actually talked about any relationships, it wouldn’t be the same, you’d probably pretend i’m talking about a boy. you think i’m confused all these years later. i can’t get pregnant ‘the natural way’ like you did, so i don’t matter. any children i do have won’t matter to you. you won’t come to my wedding, i didn’t come to yours, not because i didn’t care, but because i physically couldn’t. i couldn’t do the normal wedding things and you’d get annoyed and it’s probably better i stayed home, otherwise i’d have ruined your wedding. my dad may not be the most tolerant person in the world, but at least he’d probably make an effort. you claim to be tolerant but i really don’t think you are. you say i don’t try to talk to you? why make an effort for someone who doesn’t care? who i don’t matter to? your son is half siblings with his sisters? he’s full blood to you. your other half sister is your full blood? your half niece is more of a sister to you than me? that’s nice for her, i can’t resent her, she’s a nice girl with not very good parents. i can’t hate her for anything. it’s not her fault she’s the better me in my sister’s eyes. not gay, not disabled in any way. so totally perfect. the little sister they’ve always wanted. i wish her the best in dealing with women who’s affections change at the drop of a hat. i hope she enjoys being the me i always used to wish i was.

#feel cute might delete later #i’m on my period but i’ve been upset by this since before i got periods but my period is the reason i’m making this rant #i honestly don’t know why the fuck i bother #even if i tried harder it still wouldn’t be enough #i’d still be basically a stranger in my own sister’s house #they also treat my dad like shit so i’m also angry on his behalf because he may not be perfect but he still doesn’t deserve their bullshit #and neither do i #genuinely knowing my sisters probably don’t love me since i was like seven is a fucked up feeling #my brain has tricked me before about my parents loving me but they’ve proved they do over and over again #my sisters don’t even try but they expect me to make an huge effort #i literally want to fucking scream #honestly why i’m glad i have my brother #he knows how i feel #i could say the things in this post and he’d understand and wouldn’t call me an asshole or a horrible person for even thinking it #because he feels it too #i’m also glad i have him because if it was just me and my sisters i think i’d be so incredibly lonely #he’s annoying in that way siblings are but i love and i know he loves me back #at least i have one sibling who actually gives a shit about me #my sisters making this about blood fucks me off so bad #half or full or not sharing blood at all #family is family #but apparently that only applies to one aspect of their life #i’ve tried my best all my life #how the fuck is a seven year old kid trying to make her sisters love her not a fucked up situation???#i have never thought less about them being half sisters #i’ve always felt the same about them as i do about my brother who’s full blood #they’re all my siblings blood has never affected anything #it’s fucked to know that it’s not the same for them #i don’t know if it’s jealousy because me and my brother were the new babies but fucking hell you can’t hold a grudge for me being born #almost twenty four years later jesus christ

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