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nokingsonlyfooles · 3 months

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Finish the Feed and Plug the Thing(s?)

It's the thing! You know! The thing! You've seen the thing, haven't you? You're on the internet, you must like things! This one is so rare I don't even post it every day! Ooooh, maybe you should CLICK the thing?

It should be illustrated but I'm slow at that right now and I got bored with not putting up new instalments. It's got text-based steampunk marginalized techno-wizards in it, though! Magic is code and code is magic!

Today there's a new instalment!

I'm lookin for readers! And if you're reading, you gotta tell me, 'cos my hit counter is free and buggy AF. I'll never see you for sure unless you say something!

Current known readers: 3 (hi!), 1st Goalpost: 10?

Current supporters: 1 (hi Kith!), 1st Goalpost: 5?

And under the cut, a sample... er, a sample from a WIP that's only tangentially related because I need to get over the fear of showing it to people gradually or I'll never put it up anywhere. Thanks for volunteering to help me with my mental health! CW: Language, abuse, trauma, two sluts being slutty because that's how they relate to people, etc...

[Soooo... This is what I'm writing right now instead of getting the NDA out of Cyre. I know I shouldn't be, but it's getting to be like samefooding when I'm stressed. Pretty stressed due to new meds that are rewiring my brain in fun new ways, and I keep goin' back to it.

[But, honestly, Satan laid eggs in my brain, this hatched, and it's still hatching. I know I shouldn't mix my original work with toys that don't belong to me, it's tacky and possibly illegal, but so am I. I just wish I could be those things unselfconsciously. Scared to show anyone but the spouse likes it and I wanna encourage him to put himself out there more so... I'M DOIN IT FOR YOOOOOU, BABE!

[But just a contextless sample for now...]

“No, no, I prefer the kitchen. One should always serve one’s friends in the kitchen, it’s just more personable. It’s just, they used to lock me out of mine. Sharp objects, you know.”

Angel stretched across the doorway, two hands on either side. “And, are ya cool with sharp objects now?”

David waggled a hand. He brushed politely past. “Oh, more or less. I’ll give you a dramatic, screaming heads up if I have an urge to stab myself, all right? Or maybe…” He paused and laid a hand on the countertop. “Your bread box is snoring. Also, there is a sticky note on it that says, ‘Do Not Open, Not Bread’?”

“It’s Niff,” Angel said. He pulled David away. “And she sleeps with a cleaver, so… Eh, just keep ya voice down.”

“And don’t open it?”

“Yeah.”

Angel started to put the coffee together. David sat at the kitchen table, wary of opening anything at all.

“Carmine would give you a job makin weapons in a heartbeat,” Angel said, without looking over. “S’long as that metal thing don’t tire ya out like the mind control. But the rent’s free, and the food’s free — when there’s food.”

“Oh. Well, that’s nice to know.”

“There’s usually some jambalaya in the fridge, since Alastor showed up.”

“He cooks?” David touched a hand to his head, blinking. “Good Lord, I think I cook. No, that’s not me. I’m sorry, I did say I had to pick up a lot of my memories second-hand. I swiped most of them off this poor, stupid kid, and I have some of his too. He cooks. It’s all very cheap and easy, but there are a lot of fancy desserts. The boy has a mad passion for fancy desserts, and he can’t afford them if he doesn’t make them himself.”

“How did you leverage your memories out of a stupid kid, if ya don’t mind my askin?”

“Well, I can’t read minds, but he can, and I happened to be living rent free in his head at the time. Coincidentally, he knew someone who knew me quite well, and he read her mind, and then I used him to read her some more…” David shook his head. “It’s weird here, but it’s not un-weird where I come from. You have no idea.” He chuckled. “Things are weird all over, to the best of my recollection. Fancy a midnight tiramisu, Mr. Dust?”

“Maybe. If ya can do me a cannoli, I’m interested…”

“Is that what they’re calling it in Italy? ‘A little midnight cannoli,’ yes. Well, perhaps not little…”

“Pretty sure I was in that film already, and if I wasn’t, I’m stealing that title. That’s porno gold.”

David rested his chin on clasped hands. “I do love movies. Are any of yours playing?”

“Lots, I got some on my phone, but before we get into that, someone better tell you: your new best friend ain’t interested in either kinda cannoli. I haven’t seen that guy get anywhere near sex or sugar, barring that muffin, so that means you haven’t either.”

David scoffed. “When we are very manly, masculine and secure, one needs must flee, screaming, from muffins and cock. What else is a real man to do?”

Angel set two coffee mugs on the table with a clunk, and leaned over David. “Any kinda sex.”

“Oooooh.” David snickered. He added a large dollop of Irish cream to each mug, then perched on his chair like an eager girl at a slumber party. “Repressed or queer?” He laughed. “Or both?”

“How is no-sex-at-all queer?”

“Well, it annoys the hets and challenges their antiquated social institutions.”

“Aw, Christ.” Angel thudded two sets of elbows on the table and put his head in one set of hands. “Don’t tell him, alright? Please don’t tell him. If I run into that guy at a leather bar, he’ll put me off sex for life… He’ll fuckin convert me!”

“Maybe you’ll convert him?”

“That’s even worse!” Angel laughed. “Oh, God, I might’ve, a couple months ago, but we been through some shit. It’s too weird. It got real weird.”

“Anything I should know?”

The spider sighed. “Probably.” He paused with a hand on his chest fluff. “I’m not a hundred-percent sure he knows. He don’t watch TV.” He shook his head and drew out his phone. “But he probably knows. At least some of it.” He offered David a single earbud.

“Is it an upper or a downer?”

“Jesus.” Angel stood and wandered behind David’s chair. “It’s so we don’t wake Niff. Ya got ears? Ya got ears goin on in there?”

David patted his own head, and flaming hairstyle, with a hand. “I must have something…” He accepted the earbud and eventually found some kind of structure that would allow it. “Ooh, I like that! It’s catchy! Is that you?”

“Fuck,” Angel fumbled his phone and closed out an app.

“Aww.”

“It’s just a demo.” He looked aside. “It’s some shit I made up when I was dissociatin. I imagined a whole dance number, but I dunno... I sounded sexier in my head.”

“You sounded sexy enough in mine.”

Angel looked up, with a brief smile. “You’re cute, Dave.”

David winced. “Sorry. My dear little namesake uses that. I don’t, but…” He sighed and shrugged. “Oh, well. He’s not here. I don’t mind it from you.” He smiled. “And there’s something about the other name you don’t like, so forget it. ‘Dave Valentine’ it is!” The smile faded. “No?”

Angel looked pained. “It’s not that, it’s… We’re havin some trouble with Vees. Ya might wanna lose the other half of that. It might getcha in trouble. And ya don’t wanna get in trouble with that guy… those guys.”

“Oh, I don’t mind changing up the last name at all,” David said. “I often do! It’s not as if I have a family I care about. I’m just awfully fond of twee little heart motifs and… and… uh… butterflies?”

Angel was clutching his phone so hard his hand was shaking. That last word even warranted a shudder.

David got up and backed away until his hip hit the counter. He leaned against it and peered into his coffee cup. He spoke softly, “Is your Mr. Vee who may or may not be fond of hearts or butterflies a work friend or a friend-friend?”

“Neither.” Angel turned away. “Work.”

“Ah.” David nodded. He toyed with the rim of his cup. “Might someone help you fill out a letter of resignation?”

Angel shook his head.

“Oh, well. If that’s how it is, that’s just how it is.” David crept a little closer and put an experimental hand near him, just on the table. When there was no objection, he smiled and left it there. “If you ever need anyone to spot you some extra concealer…” He trailed away. “Though I doubt I have your shade.” He poked at the back of his own orange hand. “Or mine, come to think of it.”

Angel looked up. He covered David’s hand with one of his own. “That mind-control thing, does that work on everyone?”

David looked pained. “I… I don’t know how it works here. I’ve met people it doesn’t work on at all, and some of them shake it off. I think… I think I’ve done some experimenting. There are other places, other parts of me that know more about it, I might go back and remember… But I don’t know if any of that applies here. I can’t guarantee it. And… That wouldn’t be safe for you, would it?”

The spider sighed. He turned away again.

The bird offered a faint smile. “I might tell him to kill himself, if Charlie lets me. If it landed, would that fix it?” He put up a hand. “If it didn’t, you could always tell him I’m an insane ass and let him take it out on me. I can’t be killed, and I have excellent pain tolerance, especially when…”

Now Angel put up a hand, and David quieted.

“She won’t let you,” the spider said. “Not like that. She thinks everyone can be better.”

“Oh, she is adorable. But we know better, don’t we?”

Angel put a casual elbow on the table and his head in his hand. He regarded David out of the corner of one eye. “You still usin extra concealer on a regular basis? Wherever the resta you is?”

“Oh, no, I prefer to damage myself now.” David smiled. “I’m freelancing!”

“Like how you don’t like sticky drinks and hate fun?”

“He’s dead,” David said flatly. He smiled again, a perfectly hideous smile. “I killed him, of course.”

Angel sat up, more shocked than surprised. “What? You? How?”

“What?” David shooed him away. “Oh, it was ages ago. A gun or something. It’s not important. I’ve quite forgotten.”

Angel frowned. He nodded. “Uh-huh. Yeah. I shot Val a whole buncha times too.” He picked up his phone. “So, the thing is…”

David pushed the phone back down to the table, scowling. “The thing is, that thing was supposed to be my father. On paper, at least. So I couldn’t do it right away. Not if I wanted to get away with it. A person has to be practical. I am a very practical person.”

[Yeah, I started writing that part just to see if it was worthwhile and I actually got David to cough up one of his three backstories, all of which are embellished to the point of absurdity but partly true. I've been meaning to write those out forever and this tricked my brain into doing it. I had to put him on equal footing with another traumatized person and pour Irish coffee on him in a corporeal form that gets drunk for real, but I got it out of him! So I went back to write the beginning and now it's *checks* 69 pages long. Oh. Nice!

[It's gotta go up somewhere because I can't help but say it's canon for David, but maybe he just did a shitton of god drugs and passed out in front of Amazon Prime, ya know? That's probably it.]

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kyluxtrashpit · 4 years

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2019 Fic Recap

So I’ve done this for the past few years and I started doing it at the end of 2019 but never managed to finish it. I think between TROS and IRL and then I got really, really sick, I just haven’t had the chance to do so. But fuck it, I decided to finish it anyway even though it’s now 3 months late lmao. So anyway, a recap of my 2019 fics

Total wordcount: 96 419 words. Which is less than last year, but still not too shabby. I wish I could’ve banged something out to get it over 100k but eh, it just didn’t happen. I definitely have enough wip words and whatnot to get me over that bump, though

Tough Love, 6572 words, posted Jan 17

So this was an experimental one. As you all know, I’m pretty hard on the sub!Kylo/dom!Hux train. But I had a conversation with a friend and it turned into one of those ‘okay, I don’t like x dynamic because of a, b, and c. But is it possible to write x without those and make it into something I like?’ and as it turns out, yes, yes it was. Thus this fic happened and here we are. I still really like it and I have a lot of Feelings on this dynamic vs the one I usually write, but that’s an essay in and of itself lmao. It got some great feedback too, which was cool

Take My Breath Away, 1230 words, posted Feb 7

Ah yes, this one, which was based off a throwaway KOTOR ability but was an excuse for me to write Kylo getting stuffed from both ends with some asphyxiation thrown in. And also extremely rough sex + softer aftercare is a weakness of mine haha, so I just had to do it

Fix You, 1994 words, posted Feb 10

So this was my first piece for Bad Things Happen Bingo, which is an event I’m still planning to finish at some point lmao, and that I’ve had a lot of fun with so far. This fic was another that I tried for a more ‘classic’ feel with, though it’s a lot softer. The uncomfortable intimacy. The ‘feelings are happening but we won’t talk about them’. The shaky trust. All of that good stuff. I had fun with it

Keep Your Enemies Closer, 1657 words, posted Feb 24

Another for BTHB! I just love when Hux wins, okay. And I think this was one of those time periods where Kylo was doing all the winning in fics and I just. Needed something different lmao. Emperor Hux remains one my all time fave ideas and it’s still a shame canon never gave it to us. But I have the power to make it happen, so I did. Plus Kylo in a shock collar is always fun >:)

Indulgence, 17 357 works, completed Apr 19, first posted Mar 28

So! This was a continuation to my experiment from above and really it was just an excuse for lots of smut and pampering lmao. Much as I had thought I had said everything I wanted to say with Tough Love, apparently I had not, and this monstrosity formed. There may be a third, more serious piece to finish off the series this year, but I haven’t decided yet. Although, I have to admit, I’m still surprised how poorly this fic did feedback-wise, especially compared to its predecessor and considering it’s the more popular dynamic these days. Tbh some of my best smut is in this fic imo, but ah well, sometimes people just don’t like things and I suppose I have to accept that, even if I’m really, really proud of that thing

(Okay and the rest are behind a cut for length)

Best Served Bloody, 2666 words, posted Apr 29

Another BTHB and, again, not much deeper to it. Beating up Brendol is always fun though lmao. And when I was writing this, I really wanted Hux to be the one to strike at his father. A lot of pieces have Kylo doing it, which is great, but I wanted to do something a little different. I wanted Hux to have the power to save himself. It was fun to write in that way, as a powerful revenge fantasy

The Best, 6450 words, posted May 12

Ah, now this was a fun one lmao. It was born of a horny crack idea but I can’t do real crack, so it ended up as crack treated seriously. And really, I just wanted an excuse to have Kylo sucking dick. A lot of dick. All the dicks he can find lmao. Slutty Kylo fic remains my favourite pwp, so I gotta contribute to the cause, you know. It was a delight to write, though challenging cause it kept turning me on LMAO. Totally worth it though. It was one of the most fun this year for sure

Be My Outlet, 1003 words, posted May 23

There’s not really much of a story behind this one haha. I was horny and I wanted some classic, Not Nice Hux and hatefucking, thus this exists. Plus I miss Kylo getting choked and it’s rare these days to see stuff quite this rough. I also have a bit of a somnophilia thing, which this sort of fits in to. And I’m always a fan of messy, masochist Kylo. So yeah. Idk it’s smut lmao what else could we want? It’s just a short little pwp, but I had a lot of fun with it and it was nice to revisit the classic kylux days

Safe Harbour, 1616 words, posted Jun 13

This one was for kyluxomegaverse week and it was very fun. A/b/o is one of those tropes where I really, really like a lot of it, but there’s also some stuff that’s much less my cup of tea. So I don’t write a lot of it, even though there are aspects of it that I adore. Which this one includes a lot of lmao. I think the nesting is fucking adorable and I wanted to write something soft, so here we are. Plus omega!Kylo is just delightful. Also looking back on it now, this one did really well? Holy shit, I had no idea it was that popular!

With Dignity, 4475 words, posted Jul 1

This was the last for BTHB that I managed last year (and I still intend to finish my card eventually, it’s just been a rough go so far this year lmao). I’m actually very proud of this one because this is the exact sort of angst I love to write. I didn’t intend for it to be as heavy as it ended up being, but when I started looking up the mechanics of force-feeding and reading about the experience of it, the plan changed drastically because holy fuck. I had never thought of it as that much of a torture before. I also enjoy with Hux like, making the reader feel bad for him while also actively reminding them he’s awful and getting that perfect cognitive dissonance. So this was a great excuse to do exactly that. And I love how tough he is even in such circumstances. Despite the heavy subject matter, I had a blast with this one

Greener Grass, 3389 words, posted Jul 14

This one was originally a twitter thread that really got away from me lmao, so I edited it and put it on ao3 because I really liked it. I’ve always liked self-cest as a concept and I thought it’d be interesting for Kylo to interact with a version of himself that made some different choices. One that was happier. And then we see Kylo through Ben’s eyes, see what the dark side has wrought for him. And then, of course, some smut to pull it all together lmao. It was a really fun character study and I had a grand time with it

Subliminal, 5719 words, posted Aug 23

This one! Okay so I’m pretty sure I sent in a couple of khk prompts over the years that were basically this, but no one ever wrote them so I finally did it. I’m honestly surprised hypno kink isn’t actually used more in kylux, considering Hux is canonically in charge of the brainwashing program. So much potential. So I had to write it. I also went down quite a few rabbit holes in researching this (with mixed success lmao) and learned a whole lot about hypno kink in the process. I may have even acquired it as a fetish lmao. But anyway, this one’s a bit darker and it’s fun to write those every once in a while. I think I pulled it off well too

Ashes Among the Stars, 36634 words, posted Dec 1

Ah and my big bang this year! I had a blast with this one although it was quite the challenge. My first fandom was gundam so when I saw this prompt I was very intrigued and ended up getting it. This fic had a lot more world-building than I usually do, which was the primary challenge as I basically had to take aspects from both franchises and sew them together into a new world of its own. I think I did that rather successfully tbh. The plot gave me trouble too but also gave me some of my best eureka moments haha. My partner was also wonderful and made the experience that much better. I know crossovers don’t tend to perform as well, so I was expecting that, though I do wish some more people had given it a chance since I wrote it specifically so that no prior knowledge was needed. But alas, I’m still incredibly proud of it. It’s also my second longest fic ever!

Filthy, 5657 words, posted Dec 9

And here it is, the gangbang fic I’ve always wanted to exist lmao. I had wanted to write this one for a long time, but I could never figure out how to end it, what circumstances would lead to the gangbang. Then a convo with friends gave me the idea and boom, I could finally write it. This fic is just straight up smut and I fucking love it lmao. There needs to be more Kylo gangbang fics tbh

What have I learned?

Last year wasn’t as successful for writing as I’d hoped, given that I wrote less in 2019 than I did in 2018. But also a lot of things happened to me last year. I got a new role at work. My dad had a heart attack (he’s okay though). I had a pretty rough time with my mental health. And then there was the lead up to TROS and the frankly unnecessary amount of stress that caused me. So there was a lot going on and working against me, which is a large part of why I didn’t manage to write as much as I’d hoped I would, and there’s a lot in my folder that I started but just wasn’t able to finish before the end of the year. I worried for a while I was losing interest, but looking back, no, it was definitely the IRL shit lmao. That said, I’m also extremely happy with all of the pieces I did finish, regardless of how well they did. I’m proud of them and I loved writing them, even when it was difficult

One of my goals from last year was to write more, which I didn’t manage, and to get better at answering comments, which I think I did well on for the most part up until post-TROS lmao. I also wanted to do the big bang again (and I was hoping for a reverse, which it was!) and I did. And I also wanted to have fun and keep my confidence with my writing, which I think I was the most successful at. I feel really good about everything I made and I really enjoyed writing them, even if I didn’t manage to finish everything

Goals for 2020?

I think part of the reason I didn’t finish this post in 2019 is because of my TROS breakdown and subsequent stresses associated with it. Because I wasn’t sure what I wanted or what I was going to do. Sometimes I wanted to give up and find a new fandom/ship, other times I was sure I was over it and going to just do whatever the fuck I wanted, and then there was every emotion in between

Now, though, I’m sure I’m going to keep writing here. I haven’t managed much this year yet, but I can feel it coming back to me. I have a post-TROS fic I managed to solve a major problem with the other day. I also have renben as a new ship to excite me. And I still have a lot of wips and BTHB and various others I desperately want to do. Right now, I feel good about my writing and my interest in it is back to normal, which is great. So this year? I’m not going to set a hard goal. I’d love to write more than last year and maybe I will, but it’s okay if I don’t. I’d love to do another big bang this year, but I’m not going to kick myself if I can’t handle it when that time comes. I’d love to finish BTHB, but if it stretches into another year, who cares? My only goal is to just keep writing and keep enjoying it. I want to have fun with it. I want to be happy with whatever pieces I do manage to put out. I want to set aside time to read more fics from others, if I can. And I think all of those will really help with my mental health, which is starting to recover right now, and that’s what’s most important of all

Also thank you all for your patience with me. I know I’ve not been responsive, here or on twitter or to comments, but I am trying my best. It’s been a rough go and I don’t like to whine too much in my fandom spaces. I don’t know when or even if I’ll get back to normal, but I’m trying, and that’s what matters. I love every one of you on here <3

#kylux #I started this back in december #but then shit happened and I just never had a chance to finish it #but I thought about it yesterday and was like fuck it this is happening #but anyway I do love everything I wrote this year #so I'm not going to be sad that there was less of it than I hoped #I'm proud of what I've accomplished #and I'm going to hold onto that and that's all I want from 2020 writing wise: to be happy with what I did #it's not about the volume #it's about my own personal happiness with it #but anyway #my fic #shut up nerd

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