#how much longer can i do this? im constantly miserable my brain has made it its mission to destroy any and all joy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sorryimanon · 3 years

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Pairings: Bakugou Katsuki x fem!Reader, Izuku Midoriya x NB!Reader

Warnings: some angst, FLUFF, and our boys being the best boys.

In which they comfort you after a rough day or week

A/N: im sorry if Izukus section is shorter than Bakugou’s. trying to practice writing other characters. enjoy!

Saturday's are reserved strictly by the majority of the girls from class 1-A, leaving the guys to hibernate inside their dorms as they allow the commencement of girls night. You've never rain checked nor rejected the idea of spending quality time with your friends, considering all the tribe's and trepidation's everyone has endured together during their time at the academy. It's nice to just strip away the stress and dip your toes in pure relaxation.

Unfortunately, you woke up with a bad case of cloudy thoughts. For the past week you've been carrying the weight of dread, causing your mood to drastically change throughout the day. You'd be having a civil conversation with someone one minute and then the next minute you're completely irritated by their presence. You've tried to balance it out and fix it overnight with the regimes you researched on the internet. A new sleeping schedule, healthier diet, yoga, and even went to the extreme of writing in a journal. It was all so cut throat and prestigious, nothing close to your liking. Katsuki made fun of you for it one day when he snuck into your room and read the many inscriptions in your journal entries.

"This stuff reminds of Deku. Always shoving his nose in that stupid notebook of his," he didn't care much to hear your refutes about Izuku. "Anyways, what's with all this depressing shit you are writing? You don't really feel this way do you?"

You didn't give him a definite answer that day. Only a curt "no" and he resumed rambling about his day like nothing happened, having you listening with his voice like white noise going in one ear and out the other.

And that's how it went on throughout the duration of the prior week before Saturday.

Inside the confinement of your dorm, you made the rational decision to sleep in instead of attending classes. The chilling thoughts kept you up all night, never once allowing sleep to take full throttle. You tossed and turned around on your bed, unable to shut off your brain. So when you woke up in the peak of late afternoon, you weren't surprised to see the unread messages on your phone. All of them were from your explosive boyfriend.

King Explosion🤍: Oi you running late? Mr.Sleepy head is taking roll call

King Explosion🤍: y/n where tf r u?

King Explosion🤍: fine don't answer me ig

King Explosion🤍: are you at least coming down for lunch? i made curry last night and imma make you finish it

King Explosion🤍: fking hurry before dunce face eats it

King Explosion🤍: nvm he ate it 😐

Katsuki never intended for the message to be funny. He's probably blowing actual steams of smoke through his nostrils and ears while chasing kamanari amongst the halls. The comical imagery made you laugh harder. At least he made you crack a smile. You haven't shown any emotions let alone a hint of enthusiasm for tonight.

Maybe it'd be best to sit this one out.

"Hey, we're missing a person! Where's my y/n?" Mina asked after scanning the group of girls huddled around on the carpeted floor.

Momo shifted uncomfortably on the cushioned pillow she stole from the couch. "Y/N said she wasn't feeling too well to join us for tonight. Something about food poisoning and throwing up every hour."

In unison all the girls gasped, along with a concerned 'ribbit' from Tsuyu.

"Well I hope she gets to feeling better. I wouldn't want her to endure such sickness for much longer," Tsuyu croaked out.

Everyone in the circle agreed and promised to pay a visit later in the night to check on you.

On the fourth floor, Katsuki stared blankly at his phone, hands shaking due to the repressed anger he's been holding. Each of the messages he sent previously were all left on read, including the one he sent an hour ago asking if he could have a cuddle session with you before girls night. Yes, even an ill tempered guy such as him enjoys sappy shit like cuddling. After pacing back and forth in his room for a solid 5 minutes, he was now dead set on confronting you in front of your friends.

Katsuki made a beeline for the elevator and aggressively pressed the 1st floor button repeatedly in hopes it'll make the process go quicker. He reached the commons area in precision time, overhearing the girls giggle after someone suggested playing truth or dare. He towered over Uraraka's figure, casting a demonic shadow version of himself in the circle. Hagakure shrieked and clung onto Jirou.

"Where's y/n you extras?" He demanded, voice deafening the brunette under him.

"She didn't come tonight. She's in her dorm room sick," Jirou explained to him as she tried pry the invisible girl off her arm.

"Like hell she's sick!" Katsuki spun around quickly and retreated back to the elevator, mumbling obscenities under his breath. "She's going to pay for being so careless and irresponsible."

The commons room fell silent once the explosive blonde disappeared behind the doors of the elevator, all eyes searching each other in complete shock. Uraraka was the first to speak out of the small group.

“Should we warn y/n that Bakugou is coming for her?”

Jirou averted her gaze to the direction bakugou left off from, a ghost of a smirk spreading on her face.

“Nah. Knowing y/n, she can handle the asshole on her own.”

King Explosion🤍: can i come over? i wanna cuddle, i miss u

The text message kept flashing behind your eyes every-time you closed them - a sad image of Katsuki waiting impatiently for you to reply back with a heart or one of those unusual memes he unapologetically adores. You knew he’d be furious, no doubt about it, but you rationalized your decision and concluded it would be best to avoid your boyfriend like the plague till this undesired feeling dissipates. Katsuki doesn’t do well with people being emotional, let alone handle his own emotions for god’s sake.

Your own thoughts were interrupted by someone raping the outside of your door. The continuous knocks made your head spin, a painful sting ghosting back and forth between your eyes. Remembering back to an hour ago, you messaged one of the girls that you weren’t going to make it to tonight’s session. Surely they respected your wishes and continued on with their hangout? But you forgot about the one person who’s persistent and stubborn like a cat.

“I know you’re in there y/n! You may have fooled your idiotic friends with a lie, but you keep on forgetting you’re terrible at lying!” Katsuki hollers against the wood of the door, not once being considerate of those living above her.

He’s right. You’re absolutely horrible at making up excuses for yourself. Dating someone as intuitive as him will be the death of you.

“If there’s something going can you at least let me in? You can’t ignore me forever y/n.”

Again, he’s right.

You slipped out from the comfort of your bed and padded towards the door, mentally preparing for the blonde to scold you once he enters your room. What you weren’t prepared for was the tears swelling up in the ducts of his vermillion eyes - his hands clenched tightly into fists as he looked down at you. Your breathing hitched when his arm outstretched to rest on the door frame to keep his trembling body steady.

“What the hell y/n? Why the fuck have you been ignoring me?! Did I do something wrong?!” He asked, not caring about his current appearance.

You grab ahold of his other arm and absentmindedly started rubbing it affectionately, trying to coax him into calming down. “Katsuki no! You didn’t do anything wrong! Why would you think that?”

“Because dumbass, you’ve been distant this past week,” he paused, choking on his words. “Are...are you breaking up with me?”

Your eyes shot up instantly at his horrifying assumption. “Katsuki, if I tell you the truth, will you promise not to make things worse for me?”

He tilted his head in confusion, but nodded once you led him into your messy bedroom. Once inside, your boyfriend plopped down on your bed, watching intently as you anxiously bit down on your nails - a nervous habit you picked up at the beginning of the school year.

“I’ve been feeling weird lately. Ever since the beginning of last week. I don’t know how to describe it but, my brain is constantly feeding into my already negative state. Telling me things I know aren’t true but I’ve convinced myself they are. Almost as if a grey cloud is hovering above me,” tears were already starting to pour down your cheeks. “I just...I just feel so miserable and lonely and useless and irritated and- I’m so sorry for ignoring you. You probably want nothing to do with me after this!”

You manage to turn away from the sight of the blonde during your speech, ashamed of pouring out your emotions onto a person who disregards other peoples emotions and constitutes them as a quote on quote “pussy”.

From behind, you can hear faint shuffling nearing your already shaken up figure. A pair of muscular arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you into a wall that could only be described as his own chiseled chest, doing the same as you did moments ago with his arm - lulling you to calm down a notch before he stared speaking.

“If you been feeling this way, why lie when I asked you a few days ago after reading your journal?”

“I know how you are, Katsuki. You get very uncomfortable when people talk about their feelings. So, why should I be any different?”

Your boyfriend suddenly maneuvers you around in the circle of his arms, shifting to where you’re now making direct eye contact with him. His gaze intense and unwavering.

“Because you’re my girlfriend? I don’t give a rats ass about any of these extras. When it comes to you, I’d make an exception for. I made that promise to myself when we first started seeing each other. So don’t think for a second that I’ll disregard your true feelings, dumbass.” He stepped a couple of inches backwards, ankles eventually hitting the bottom of your bed - making him fall and dragging you along with him. You landed on top of him, head still buried in the depths of his hard chest. The vibrations of his chuckle shook your whole body. Katsuki gently titled your head to be leveled with his, a red tint of blush painting his pallid cheeks.

“I’m being serious though. Don’t be afraid to come to me when things get tough, okay? I love you too much to see you like this.”

Next thing you knew your boyfriend stole your breath away by meshing his plump lips onto yours, hands snaking their way into your hair and carefully massaging it. By all means, you let him have his way with you by kissing the sadness away, tears puddling together cheek on cheek.

He let go eventually, pecking a quick chaste kiss on the side of your mouth before hauling you further into the bed. You settled on letting him spoon you, knowing how much he likes the feeling of your backside pressed against him, and the fruity aroma of your hair infiltrating his senses.

“I promise Katsuki,” you said after some time during the cuddle session.

He shifted in his spot, head placed firmly in the crook of your neck. “Promise what?”

“That I’ll come to you when these thoughts return again. I should trust you by now, and I need to not let these emotions ruin everything in my life. I love you that much.

Your confession swelled the very last evidence of Katsuki being a human being, his heart.

He smiled weakly to himself and nuzzled more into your shoulder, brushing his warm lips against the tender skin. “You better, dumbass.”

Today was just so exhausting, and the big fat 'D-‘ written in red ink on your final report was the icing on the cake. To make things even worse, Aizawa reminded the whole class before the exam that this was to determine wether or not if you'll be joining the training camp that'll commence the following winter break.

Hopefully this was one of your teacher's terrible deception tactics into making everyone do their absolute best, go plus ultra even. But to your dismay, he was indeed very serious of the matter this time.

It wasn't your fault, not entirely. You stayed up all night listening to another one of your boyfriends rambles, the conversation lasting till 2 am. Izuku grew worrisome and anxious ever since his encounter with a gruesome villain, thus resulting in him to pour his emotions out onto you. Poor baby kept mentioning the safety of All Might and you.

Solemnly, you left class and trailed back to your dorm room, wanting to ignore the jovial atmosphere inside the cramped room as everyone traded and talked about their scores.

Izuku noticed you leaving abruptly and got up from his desk to follow you behind, bidding a quick goodbye to his friends.

Your room was dark and dramatically colder than usual, a trickle of light threatening to pour in from the cascading sunset. You laid down on your stomach with one of your pillows propped on your head, in hopes to shield away anyone from seeing your ugly-crying face.

Too late because Izuku was already standing outside your dorm room, swaying back and forth on his feet while biting down harshly on his lip. He can hear your soft cries seeping through the door. He doesn't know why he's hesitating, he's your boyfriend after all.

Moments later you hear the acute sounds of someone knocking on your door, followed by the soft spoken voice of your green haired boyfriend.

"Baby? Can I come in? I-If that's okay with you I m-mean! It's alright if you need some space but you left class so early I figured something happened to you and I got really worried because you always wait for Iida and uraraka to walk us back to the dorms as a group and maybe it had something to do with what I was telling you last night-."

You crack the door just a smidge before fully opening it, revealing your bloodshot eyes and tear stained shirt to him. His breathing hitched once his eyes fixated on your disheveled state.

"Can you comfort me? I need you right now Izuku," your voice cracked a little, throat still tight after the crying session.

His strong, lean arms wrapped around your body momentarily, encasing you into a bear hug. Hugs from Izuku were amazing, no exceptions. He placed a quick peck on the crown of your forehead.

"C'mon, let's get inside and snuggle. How does that sound?" he asked as he unwrapped himself and took your trembling hand, leading you back inside the dimly lit room.

Izuku laid you gently down on your side once reaching the bed, crawling alongside with you before draping the covers over the both of you. His familiar hands snake around your waist and nudges you to roll over. You obliged and shifted your body to face his, sparkly green eyes staring straight at you.

"Tell me, what's wrong baby? Does it have to do with the recent exam?" his thumb started tracing delicate lines on your hips, your uniform long gone and now replaced with comfortable clothes instead.

"I failed Izuku...I did so terrible on the written exam. I kept falling in and out of sleep during the test that I didn't have time to finish the middle portion of it," you exhaled a shaky breath. "Who knows what'll happen on the practical. I'll probably fail that too...I'm such a failure compared to everyone."

Izuku grabbed the tender flesh of your cheeks and directed your vision to level with his. He looked angry and concerned.

"Don't say that y/n! You're not a failure! That exam doesn't determine wether or not if you're good enough to be a hero. I've seen you in action hun, and I know for a fact that you're possibly the most strongest person I've met in my lifetime! You're ambitious, smart, determined, and so freaking beautiful." He then kissed you tenderly on the lips, his eyes closing slightly due to the contact.

"So...freaking...beautiful." He whispers against your mouth.

His sentimental words were enough for you to push back the negativity and simply enjoy the intimate moment.

Izuku lifted his head away from your face to rest it against your temple. "You're going to do great things, okay? One failing grade isn't going to be the end of the world. Trust me sweetheart, I've had my fair share in failures during our time here in Yuuei. But look at me now, still standing."

You nuzzled more into his chest, tickling his chin with your hair. Faintly, you can hear the pitter patter of his heart beat bursting through his rib cage.

"Would you love me even if I was a horrendous looking-failure?" you were clearly teasing him, but sometimes Izuku became dense when it came to that.

"Y/n! W-Why would you ask that! Of course I would you dummy! I'd love you no matter what."

This time you return the favor and kiss him, knowing how to easily fluster him in seconds. He whimpers into your mouth at the sudden contact and cups your jawline affectionately.

The two of you stayed like that till the moon shone through the balcony curtains, illuminating your skin in a dusty glow.

Lips bruised and swollen red, you laid lifelessly in his arms, letting him wove his scarred fingers through your hair. Izuku would occasionally stop to peck your lips, then resumes his attention back to your hair.

"I'm sorry by the way. I shouldn't have kept you up last night before the exam. I'm such a horrible boyfriend..." he admitted suddenly.

"Yes. Yes you are."

He gasped and stopped his movements altogether, obviously taken aback by your blunt words.

You giggled and said, "Kidding. You're the best boyfriend. Apology accepted.”

After hearing that, Izuku shoved himself onto your chest and let out muffled cry. "D-Don't scare me like that. Almost made me have a heart a-attack!"

#mha imagines #mha x reader #bakugou headcanons #bakugou x reader #bakugou x y/n #bnha bakugou #katsuki bakugo x reader #katsuki bakugou x you #bakugou fluff #bakugou imagine #bnha izuku #midoriya izuku #izuku x you #izuku x reader #midoriya x y/n #midoriya x you #midoriya headcanons #deku x you #deku x reader

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wilkoak · 4 years

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there was a person that i wanted to give everything to.

i was ready to throw away my own family. i made enemies, when i never did before. i lost friends and countless nights of tired eyes and trying desperately to understand and help and be the comfort and the rock to rely on for that person.

i betted everything on this horse and that horse with smile and seeming reason told me that. well. no, thanks.

and not only that. it ran away, it ghosted me, literally, being like a dead phantom in my memory now, despite of promises to never do that and be “that stupid”

that i’m not even able, or allowed, to think about kindly, unlike the family and animals that passed away from me and i can cry about them with smile and warm thoughts of loving longing

it is like a ghost of 6 and a half years of my life that carries a depth of love and maliciousness at the same time, allowing only regret. and despite the want to hate it and cast away, it carries so many memories of genuine love and feeling the happiest in the world

that there is nothing, in the end, other than just to weep at this loss.

it’s been over half a year, and over a month snce i was ghosted. i dont think about in daily basis. the love i experience fro my friends is overwhelmig, the family connection, i no longer feel unheld at night and unloved in the evening. every emotion from people is purer and more unconditional.

but then there are those moments of being incredibly anxious what to say to people. fear of other’s people depressions. inclredible fear of donign something wrong. overthinking. feeling that something is not right.

those are the moment when i relize how much i have been welded into being constantly tested and in constant fear and readiness to take on an argument, or a panic attack, or a drama, or a sudden sitting-till-3-am convincing someone to calm down and stop shouting about killing themselves.

and you know what? it was all okay. i was bearing and really really trying my best to understand. and i did not leave, i never left. as i promised. at least that, despite fucking telling me otherwise for 2000 times, i NEVER LEFT. i stayed and offered my heart until it was bleeding and cut to fucking pieces. sometimes i got angry or my patience slipped or i dint know what to do i ALWAYS fucking got back and made sure to clean up the broken glass or spilled food on the floor or kiss and forgive for the wounds that i myself inflicted in my own lack of patience.

there was a time they threw a flower pot on me on the street and imeeditely after i was caring to treat their scratches and calm them down.

for years i was delicately truiong to convice to go to therapy. i was refused. i did not press. when i funally did something, it was dismissed.

i was once attacked by sexual abuser, i ran away to their house, they let me in, but told me to get out within 5 minutes and showed me that im a nuisance more of a hurt person. right after a drunkard licked my cheek and touched my hair and i was shit scared. i went home alone crying at 1 am.

(and , wow, you knwo, this is just from this year. from late 2019. when they were claiming to be calm and collected andknowing what they do with their life.)

its such a fucking relief not to have to do that aymore.

it’;s so fucking miserable not to be needed to do that anymore.

it makes me feel like if i dont do that, im not deserving any of the love that i expreience. i had birthday and my friends made me the most wonderful online party, with stupid stuff and a collab present and they werer allt here even despitre their own inconvenience in some cases and after all, i thought more about how “this was a nuisance” and “it must have been uncomfortable for them” and “ thats my fault they had to do it” ?????????? hello brain what?

i thought hard about how this is fucked up

and then i thought again how bent my empathy must be after all thos eyears of being a fucking emotional doormat for someone i, on top, loved to death and the most in the world. and being told every day that i need to bend more, first into someone softer and then, when i softened to the point of not having bones, into someone stronger because hey, i became a crybaby m unable to do my own decisions. i wonder why. maybe because they were always not smart or good enough for them.

maybe because of being shouted on every fucking week.

they gave me so much love. they helped me. they taught me so much. i loved them so fucking much. i cannot deny this, because it would be untrue to myself. but at the same time it was so fucking hurting.

this has been, “i miss my lovely amazing smart pretty incredible FUCKING abuser” radio. i hope the radio stops working one day.

#personal #i love my friends so much #im a crybaby #i want to stop being broken at some point that would be bgreat thanks #post breakup #half a year after #2 months after ghosting #log

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solitudeinme · 4 years

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I know you will read this one day.

I can’t even describe the feeling you are causing me to feel. Sometimes you are the moon and the stars. Sometimes you are the devil himself. And now, that I’m spending more and more time alone, I’m starting to become the strong woman I always aspired to be. Don't get me wrong, I was always extremely strong. But I never wanted to be strong for hate. For carelessness. For unfaithfulness. The fact that I bare these, does not make me strong, it makes me weak to the bottom. Because you let these to happen, and here I am struggling with the consequences. This is not what I deserve. This is not what I meant when I said ‘ride or die’. This is abuse. And I’m letting it.

Many asked me: why do you stay? And I never know the answer. I always want to answer immediately, like I knew what I was gonna say, but in the end, nothing comes out of my mouth. My brain is telling me to stop. This is so much more than I can carry emotionally. But at the same time, I’m programmed to turn to you and always put you in the highest priority possible, because I love you. And you know what hurts the most? I know you don't. And I know how mad it makes you when I say that. But this is not love.

I would do absolutely anything and everything for you in this world. There is nothing I can't solve when it comes to you. There is no impossible. If I had to travel across the world to see you, I would do it in less than a heartbeat. But you? I have to beg- no. I have to literally crawl on my knees for you to do anything for me. And even then, you don't do it. Even when I’m humiliating myself so much, you still look me in the eye and tell me I am the one person you hate the most. And I never ever thought that once in my short lifetime I will have to beg for somebody’s love and attention.

This is where I think you were right. We do differ — a lot. But now how you think we do. We differ, because there is nothing I wouldn't commit for you, and you still don't acknowledge it. We differ, because no matter how angry I am, I still love you and care about you, but you abuse me. We differ, because I’m accepting your flaws, you throw them into my face. We differ, because I love you, and you don't love me.

And yes, we can bury ourselves into mental disorders. Yes, I even took the liberty to read 3 complete books about your borderline disorder, just to understand you more. But nobody is talking about the pure hate you express towards me. And I wish I had the damn strength to just walk away from you, but that’s the one thing I’m unable to do. I can’t leave you, not because I feel bad about you, or because I know you’re sick, but because I simply do not feel whole without you. And now I know that I fell in love with your potential, and not the person you are at this moment. But I also fell in love with somebody, who could leave everything behind just to travel 300kms and be with me. Now this same person wouldn’t even lift a finger for me. And I’m just tired.

I just wanted love. Ever since I was a little girl. I never wanted perfect, I wanted it to be mine. A person, just for me. Who has eyes just for me. And after all these women and the pictures, my heart shattered so much. Mostly because this is not the result of your disorder, this is your doing, and you’re doing it intentionally, you even tell it to me that you like how they look like, and then you are surprised that I’m hurt. I am obviously beyond hurt. You don’t understand how is it like to love someone, who then cheats on you. Who constantly makes you feel like you’re not enough. Nothing I ever did to you compares to this feeling. And I would never consciously put you through it. Also, yes, it is cheating. It is initiating, it is looking at other women while you have someone who you’re texting “I love you” on daily basis. This is very, very disgusting and most of all disrespectful towards me.

I will never understand why you just wouldn’t say: I am bored of you, this is what I want now. I would at least have a reason, and wouldn’t ask myself “what am I doing wrong” ever again. People fall out of love, that is fine. Belittling another woman by grabbing her by her biggest insecurities and bringing her down, is not fine. And I feel ashamed that I have to even mention this. But maybe I’m just a toy to you after all. You can do anything you want with me, and you’re doing it. And I should be the one to yell stop, but I get numb when I’m in front of you. Simply because I can feel the connection between us, and it makes it so hard to leave you. So I feel like this is the most I will get from this. A soulmate, who makes me miserable. Someone who is terrible, but I will never be able to leave him. Someone, who, at any point in this life, can come back to me and I will never say no to him. And I get absolutely nothing in return. No genuine, true feelings. Just ambivalence. Disrespect. Hate. Anger.

I consider myself and old soul. I know I feel deeply, strongly, and loyally. I know what kind of love I give, and it is very rare. I thought nobody could affect the amount I can give, but you did. You damaged the supplies, to the point where there is almost nothing left of it. I can no longer enjoy life. I can no longer trust and laugh like I did before. I’m just a shadow in my own body, and it would take a miracle to heal. And that miracle would be you, healthy. But maybe I will never experience that. Maybe I really am not the woman you want by your side. Maybe you will find peace next to someone else. I wish you that, you deserve safety. But as for myself, it will take a lifetime to recover. and the main reason for this is I imagined my whole life ahead with you.

But maybe, for once, I was wrong. Maybe I love you, that’s why I need to let you go. This is either the biggest mistake or the best decision in my life. Will we be The Notebook? Do we want to be? It depends.

And it depends on you.

#xcerpt

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cricket-wrangler-blog · 4 years

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also like..i have not been able to talk about this literally at all because i don’t even know how to have an actual conversation about it anymore. but i think my depression has gotten...very bad. Like it’s always been bad and a constant presence every day, something that i’m constantly thinking “if i weren’t mentally ill i could do all the things i need to to be happy and useful and liked”. But usually it’s exacerbated by work and school, so my thoughts are mostly “just get through this”. there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Now i’ve graduated and completely wasted my college experience. got my degree but nothing i can imagine doing with it. probably didn’t deserve it with how poor my attendance was, and how little i could even engage with material that i actually could care about if i weren’t like this. But it used to be that after a bit of a break, i would bounce back and actually be excited to do shit again. Yeah i would burn out super quick, but even just the ability to remember that I like things and want to like them was useful.

Now? I graduated a year ago this week, I believe. I haven’t worked since we moved at the end of december. And I’m still in this slump. I hate myself for it but i’m almost relieved at the excuse to not work, even while wishing i could so i wouldn’t be a shitty boyfriend. The most enjoyment i get out of life is constant daydreaming, and activities that let me do that and not have to think about how miserable i am. And I’ve had these phases before but it’s never lasted this long. And this time i don’t have work or school to blame it on, and not really anything to look forward to that’s gonna end it. It’s gotten to the point where I’m drinking or smoking weed most nights because at least it makes feeling drained and useless a lot more enjoyable.

I didn’t really realize until yesterday--I don’t know if it was the particularly nice weather, since that always affects me a lot, or waking up to my boyfriend’s sister learning she was pregnant, but man I felt more like a person than I have in so long that it made me realize just how bad I’ve been. I used to know how to trigger rare bursts like this (coffee or add meds for productivity or alcohol for emotional availability, lol) to remind myself that i still am a person under all this, but they’ve gotten so much rarer that i’d just figured it wasn’t true anymore. maybe i am just a lazy person who doesn’t care about things or want anything or feel anything but boredom and frustration.

It was so stupid how easy it suddenly all was. I woke up and did some household chores I’d been putting off, socialized with my boyfriend and his sister and helped make gifts for her to give people to tell them the surprise. went on a really long walk outside instead of just pacing in the house for hours. Shit that usually feels like asking me to run a marathon with my legs tied together.

But of course it didn’t last, and now that it’s gone i can’t even remember what it feels like. I’ve made myself do a few things today to try and pretend I can bring it back--tried to exercise and make plans to eat healthier, going to make myself go on a walk, definitely not drinking or smoking. but it also reminded me that it really isn’t just me having less of a work ethic than others. there really is something fucked up with my brain that makes it so much harder. I’ve never had luck with antidepressants so idk if theres a way to fix it.

i just hate knowing that there’s an actual person in there that’s not even getting the practice at being a human and doing things humans do because im like this and can’t stop being like this. At this point if i ever get the fog off my brain, i’m gonna have worse social skills than a toddler, be in horrible shape, no longer have any talents or skills i used to have, or anything to make me worth it.

#yes these are long and unreadable they're meant to be #i just don't talk about anything ever so this is the closest i've come to getting anything off my chest in a very long time

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