#i am living in the House of Autism

[tony-andonuts]

Okay FINAL post before bed

Cherishing and savouring the fact that i live in an entire house alone so i can just say sing or do anything i want to all the time

#i am living in the House of Autism #tony speaks #gn post #😘💕

[gynecologistmsfrizzle]

“what to tell a doctor to get an autism diagnosis” “here’s what i learned from realizing i was autistic at 40″ “i would never want a professional diagnosis” “person first language is so regressive” “autism symptoms are only a problem because of ableism” “we dont need treatment” “no autistic person wants a cure” “four doctors told me i couldn’t be autistic so i found a fifth” “autism is an invisible disability” “dont disclose your neurodivergency to employers” “i/dd and autism have nothing to do with each other” “nt parents/advocates have no place in autism communities” “of course im autistic have you heard me talk about horror movies” babe i have nothing in common with any of you

#completely insane that i will go on autism twitter and somehow i am ''low functioning'' compared to the rest of the people on there. #what are you TALKING about. dont disclose your ''neurodivergency'' to your doctors?? autism is an invisible disability? #we live on different planets. like i think we live on different planets. #sorry but i am twenty two years old and my mother has a fippa exemption to access all my medical info bc if she did not #i would not be able to access healthcare. #the only reason i can live away from home is because i have a cell phone and internet and can keep in touch w family. #my legal government address is my father's house where i have not lived for seven years #because if an important document gets sent to my apartment i will lose it or forget about it and i know this because it's happened. #like ... yeah ! autism IS a spectrum ! and you are not doing such a good job recognizing and supporting people who are #in very different places on that spectrum than you ! #it is. i mean it's kind of a form of hermeneutical injustice to argue that there is no meaningful difference between various groups #of autistic people #like yeah functioning labels suck ASS. also you DO need to be able to identify that there ARE people who need more support #because if you can't name that then you are going to forget that they exist #and i see that all the time. it's aspie supremacy by another name #by erasing people who did not have the privilege of self-diagnosing #who do not have the privilege not to disclose #who do not have the privilege of independent self-advocacy #you are going to end up achieving the same thing that actively dismissing those people achieves #like. i dunno. like i said it's completely bonkers in yonkers that EYE and the UNIVERSITY DEGREE EYE WILL BE GETTING IN TWO MONTHS #and my LEASE and my RESPECTABLE RESUME and my INCOMING SOCIAL WORK LICENSE #feel alienated by the default presumptions the ''autistic community'' seems to operate from about how autistic people function #like jfc if i feel erased and unwelcome then how are you EVER going to make your community accessible and helpful #to people who need miles more support than i do?? #rhi talks #autie tag

[blipsradio]

OMGOMGOMG I’m SO sorry I asked you to take it down a notch because when you were being so loud by literally yelling and echoing across the house I got overstimulated. I’m no fun at all omg I’m so sorry :(( you’re making my body feel simultaneously feel like it’s made of literal bees and also on fire but I’m no fun right?? Jk motherfucker I’ll kill you.

#autism #actually autistic #like why am I in the wrong here? #this house is a fucking prison #neurotypicals who aren’t allies and actively ruin the lives of autistic people should have 9000 lasers pointed at them thank you #blipsvent

[spacedustmantis]

sigh. yet another incredibly improtant self discovery that i won't be able to tell my parents about....

#god #i wish i could actually see my parents as like #people who i am close to #who raised me and sheltered me and will love me no matter what #and it's not like they didn't do that #but to me they're just #two people who live in my house who i'm on fairly good terms with most of the time #i think the main reason it feels like that isn't even the neglect or abuse #i think it's that they just #don't know me #not really #like. they know things about me #more now than they ever have in the past i'm pretty sure #but still #i haven't told them about the possible autism #and i haven't been able to tell them about my complex queer identity #and i can't really talk to them about my interests bc they do not care about the same stuff i do #and i won't tell them about probably having npd either #it's incredibly alienating to have no one in your close proximity that actually knows what you think about ever #oh wow this turned out to be a lot more venty than i planned #buggy thoughts #buggy life #buggy vents

[sanchoyo]

our landlady sent someone to fix our kitchen floor (good, it was literally caving in and needed to be fixed for almost a year. Was legit afraid I’d fall thru it) but they are taking sooo long and I haven’t been able to cook for a full week bc our kitchen has to stay empty for them to work so the stove and fridge are just in the corner of another room. So. I’ve been eating chip meals for a full week and I am so sick of them. I need to cook I need VEGEBAL SO BAD I am going crazy

#IM GOING TO GET FUCKING SCURVY #there’s no counters to fix food so I can’t even rly prep and I’m ngl I’ve felt like shit so I don’t wanna leave the house to like #buy shitty premade salads or something but I need to ugh #I’m so sick of ppl being in the house working too the noise is driving me up the wall #it needed to be done and I appreciate them but thee autism is activating #I think my mom said the landlady wanted them to refloor other rooms after they finish the kitchen and I’m like…ok it needs it but if they #do my room and it takes as long as the kitchen does and I cannot squirrel myself away in my room #and have to work from the living room? I’m going to die fr #everyone in my family is loud and I need quiet to work #and my dad smokes in there and it gives me a headache #and where da hell am I going to put my cat. AAA #I’m just very stressed . I want to abscond to the woods where it is Quiet #I hate Sounds my anxiety is level 4849393 I’ve been so cranky it’s BAD #then I feel bad abt feeling bad bc it’s not rhe workers faults they’re doing a good job they put cabinets up and are repainting the walls #like when they were just supposed to be doing the floors . very nice #but adding days on TwT;; #not that it didn’t need the Reno like water damage aside the house is old and not cute old. #falling apart old. #sanchoyorambles

[edwardshundredyearoldspunk]

…

#i hate that i'm like this but the girl we're hosting used my mug and it makes me irrationally angry #like #i didn't ever tell her ''hey don't use this mug because i have my own stuff and i don't like cross contaminating'' #so i KNOW i have no right to be angry #and it coooouuld have been one of my family members who used it but i doubt it because they know i don't like sharing mugs and glasses etc #but either way this is just a symptom of how chaotic i feel in my own house and i hate myself for being like this #i never say anything because i KNOW its crazy people talk to be like ''hey that's my seat. why? because i always sit there and like it?'' #and i know it doesn't affect anyone how the spoons are organized and how the plates are stacked and where the pots are stored #but its just infuriating to see things in places where (in my mind system) they don't go #i know it's the autism but that has never found me any sort of sympathy in my family (diagnosis or no diagnosis) so i can't say that #and if i skirt around it and say ''i like things a certain way and not having them like that causes me severe emotional distress'' #it makes me seem controlling and abusive (which are things my mom has implied i am when i explain these things to her) #i know the real reason for these issues isn't our guest but also at this point she isn't our fucking guest because SHE'S BEEN HERE A MONTH #and she is clearly overstaying her welcome imo #i don't say anything because i'm not a mean person but i'm sure everyone around me can tell i'm stressed about something #i just need my space back but i don't even feel like i have a claim over that cuz mexican families are full of the ''my house my rules'' bs #which is untrue because a) the house isn't even owned by my parents anymore #(they made some stupid financial choices years ago and my uncle had to buy the house from them or risk foreclosure) #and b) we're all adults (except my brother obviously) and we all contribute however we can #so i should have some say in how i feel if i'm living here imo #and i am trying to make money however i can so i can move out soon #but just going out twice a week has me like this i can't imagine working a traditional job atm #(i did apply for a grant for autistic people of color so hopefully something will come of that) #anyways that was my rant i'm just really stressed and constantly on the brink of a meltdown #it's not this random girls fault #she just happens to be the final drop in my very very small bucket very often these days #(y'know because she's a fucking stranger in my house and i hate having to mask in my own home idk i'm awful i probably won't post this)

[curreeusly-ominous-elf]

God I wish human housing worked like pet adoption

"Friendly with cats, but cannot be in a home with other humans"

And then they took it seriously

#hi yeah im back on my 'i am realising how transactional my relationship with my parents is after an autism diagnosis' #'and am now grieving the loss of who I thiught i'd be and also the relationship i thought i had with them' #while still having to live in the same house because we live in an economic crisis 🙃

[ironmanstan]

the dichotomy of man (need to get out of this fuckin house but if i go then i can not see my cats)

#JUST realized this and now i want to kill and explode and throw up #WHAT THE HELL WILL I DO . WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO ABOUT MY FISH ok i can probably take the fish with me #but MAN #thats such a FUCKING HASSLE #ill just stay here this is fine <- tormented by the horrors. ball and chained to familiarity #the gamer speaks uwu #guy who is terminally stressed and sick about change but desperately needs it to live a life #oooo i need to be in a hamster ball everything new can just be out of arms reach and i will be safe and contained forever #no more new experiences and life changes ill cry we should all just die actually so i never have to break out of my shell #sometimes im like im therapized i dont need to go to therapy i am sooo normal and then i say shit like all that n im like nvm #the desperately averse to change braincell is funny like is it the autism. is it the ptsd. probably both #bc i sure did like have a moment of like i should just drop out of school all of this is too much i cant do it anymore #wired in juuust the right way where i can live so much better than i ever have but itll stress me out enough where i still feel the urge #to throw it all away bc it is strange and weird. and then i have to resist that urge constantly bc ill be fully like cidal again if i do th #its so weird actually. oh u have friends? u take meds? u have irls now? strange and unfamiliar and scary get rid of it all <- the insanity #anyway sucks how there isnt a word i can use in place of men/women when im like 'women will x' but for being nonbinary #nonbinary mfs doesnt hit the same . enbies doesnt hit the same either #nonbinaries b like i am free from the horrors and then go down a whole spiral at the very thought of moving out of their nightmare house #vent #i guess oops what did this turn into

[depresseddepot]

don't know how to describe it without metaphors. audhd feels like I have 10 strings hooked into my body pulling me in opposite directions and leaning towards one string to try and "fix" that problem (cooking, cleaning, classwork, etc) just makes the other strings pull tighter and hurt more. this point of this whole post is to explain that when I see someone older than me who also struggles with exactly the same things to the same extent that I do, it makes a couple of those strings loosen and stop pulling. not forever, because they always start pulling again, but having the expectation lifted of needing to have a "normal functioning life" by age whatever is so nice. everything still hurts but for now at least that part of my brain can rest.

#i understand how the reverse can seem too #but idk. its always been such a weight off my shoulders #probably in part for selfish reasons but it helps me like. slow down #like i cannot solve all of my problems tonight. i probably can't even solve them in the next 20 years #so i can slow down. other people are alive like this. other people make their lives work like this. i can do it too #i need to be medicated so fucking badly but i can't until im off my parents health insurance #and even then im so scared it'll make my autism symptoms harder for me to deal with and ill like. lose my job or something #but i can't fucking live like this so idk what to do! lmao! #ive been trying to pay closer attention to my anxiety and stress lately so i can pinpoint causes and like. try to stop them #but all ive learned is that i am never Not stressed. #if my room is cleaned im not eating well. if im exercising well im not cleaning well. #if im on top of classwork im not taking care of myself at all. etc etc #it is always a push and pull. i can't just solve these problems #because i have to clean well and eat well and exercise often and sleep well and cook often and socialize often and work hard and save money #and and and #im always not doing something to make room for something else and bc of that i will ALWAYS have those strings pulling me so tightly it hurts #i know in my head how i can loosen the strings but that all comes at the expense of living like a ''normal'' person #i will have a dirty house. i will have lots of canned and frozen foods. i will leave my house for work only. #im so tired my bones hurt. my strings are tight again and classes are starting again soon and my room is a mess and i ate like shit today #and i havent excersized in a while and im not showering as often as i should and im drinking too much and im sleeping too much #im so tired #vent #sorry #i feel like i need to curl up and die. like my body is sending some signal that there isn't much more i can fucking take #and that this continuous pushing and struggling and picking up the pieces is worthless #i feel like that blood robot. im old and rusted and slowing down and i have achieved nothing #i will die having not achieved anything and i will be struggling until my very last second #i shouldn't have been the twin that survived. they would have been so much better than this

[cruelsister-moved2]

i definitely need to be in like a medium sized rural town in the long run because living in like a relatively small, green, walkable city severely destroyed my brain and body but having lived for about 6 months in literally a clump of 3 houses in a field 3 miles from the nearest bus stop or village shop is now also starting to do my brain in albeit the damage is much slower and more just like im really bored of doing the same walk every day and not being able to attend anything regularly compared to living in a city being like i lay awake every night in both fear + overstimulation from the noise and become a shut-in. anyway very excited for the compromise where i live near a train station AND a field :))))

#ive lived in 2 cities both of which i love #one i really want to go back to and one i go to every saturday ish #but am also like i would rather commute 2h than go back to living there #the problem here is PARTLY that i still cant drive arurgh urghh *smashes up my autism w a hammer* #but it would just be nice to be able to like order takeaway or walk to the shop to get butter #anyawyyy looking at another house on wednesday :) #also especially if they continue to FLOP i could theoretically afford to buy a house here some day :') #whereas living in a city is like would u rather throw 1/3rd of ur income into a black hole for a guy u have to threaten w legal action in #order to get ur oven fixed #or work like a dog for 25 years in the hopes of one day purchasing a 1 bed flat with smashed windows #my sis lives in ox n her like poky 4bed student flat is like 2.5k a month #i made her so mad by showing her a literal 5bed stately home #with 2 kitchens 5 sitting rooms 5 bathrooms #furnished w 4 poster beds etc #fireplaces in every room #for 2.5k a month up here #literally do 4 of u want to move in w me jodie n lewis n live in luxury hellooo thats crazy

[mkboys]

personal vent through the tags, okay comfortably scroll past it, just my regular concerns

#im in an odd spot where the more i sleep the less i have a need for isaac or theo to assist me with daily living and as someone who #is in the process of getting services for our condition and therapy isn’t scheduled until last week or so of this month #i have slept through the last 2 weeks in a way that is aligned with my depression (heavily circumstantial when chronic) #and i feel endless guilt for not being a person enough #doing minimum at my own house in terms of cleaning and laundry and eating healthy #and then job hunting has been at a standstill… why hire someone who couldn’t get through a full year of their last job it seems #and i also have this diagnostic interview process for autism and the more i worry i don’t meet every box on the criteria and if i am deemed #high functioning enough to them then the help i will get will not be enough #truthfully if i didn’t have someone in my head reminding me i need to eat #take my meds shower etc i simply won’t do it #and there have been days without communication from isaac or theo to help me #missing meds when you’re on 4 types of medication two are twice daily hurts #i wish i was healthy already and stable and not in the state im in #and i have sobbed about this to my gf and she’s comforting #but no one can relate exactly and it’s been rough #MK has gotten me through it with comics and rewatching specific scenes for isaac and i to go back and forth on #but if i don’t inform others of my progress i’ll lose the memories as they turn up #in my head as negative/unusable so they’re deleted #any non essential survival thing is usually deleted #as in pushed further back than i can reach #i want to be present and whole and awake #someday #quen

[harleythealter]

Nobody told me verbally stimming includes all those little “doo do-doos” I sing out or whisper-singing what I’m doing in the moment. The problem: I should’ve known this is a verbal stim. I know that everybody stims, neurodivergent or not. But really. It’s just adding to the overwhelming pile of “maybe my brain is different” (i think it’s autism. A few other people have wondered out loud the same while some people think I can’t be because I’m not the stereotype. Aka. I’m not traumatized enough and have learned too many tools for the way my brain functions for there to be anything wrong with me) [btw. Nothing is more affirming than being accepted by the community who sees the parts of me that I see because it’s like magnets connecting on the right side, some of us just click to people similar to use and drag each other into the depths of “we’re the similar” and enjoy eachother so much and discover more happiness and then talk and GET eachother the way that nobody has consistently before (omg I have a pattern. I hope it doesn’t get fucked up again. I really like this person)

Back on track. Who knew I needed verbal stims that much. I wonder if it s connected to me having to sing when I’m in a stressful situation in the car

#harleythealter #autism #neurodivergence #being accepted by the community #verbal stimming #it’s interesting how people assume I can’t be autistic #but all their reasoning is contrasted behind I-who doesn’t have trauma around that specific thing because my mother let me live out my Wilde #st dreams and don’t have trauma around that-am different from kids who often have trauma around not talking or the way they play or melt do #downs because they were different and their families didn’t treat them well or misunderstood good tactics to help #and because of that-these different experiences that have the same initiating origin-we can’t possibly both have brains that think different #-ly in a similar way. #impossible. right? #(doubt that made sense to anybody but me. but it gets to hold a screenshot in my phone forever) #it’s just weird how humans(me to :( often compare people with wildly different experiences and think “how are they similar? #look at a fucking wild cat vs a house cat #I have a new analogy lmao #wildcats vs house cats

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

#my dad really wants me to make up with my sister so we can celebrate thanksgiving #I wrote a text up with my therapist #but every time I try to even think about sending it I get so angry #it's not fair that I have to apologize AT ALL #she should reach out to me and be begging for forgiveness #I'm sorry she's hurt but this was a despicable and deliberate move #living with her was hell #we had fun moments but I always wanted to go to a separate house at the end of the day #I'm so fucking angry I wanna bang my head over and over again until I don't think anymore #I hate this #I'm not saying sorry I don't fucking care anymore #it's not fair I always am the bad guy #sure I'm loved by my family but I feel like everyone is allowed to treat me like shit cus I was a hell baby #when I was younger I was 100 on the scale of autism and apparently I hurt people #but I wasn't even fucking conscious I don't remember shit #no one has any respect for me and I wanna scream and fucking die and hurt myself none of this is fuckinh fair

[daisukijosh]

im so tired of working :( i just want to come in when i want and not come in when i dont want. i get paid the same amount for 8 hours every day when i would arguably get the same amount or more done if i was only there for 5 hours.

#actuallyblogging #i just wish the working class in this country would get improved labor laws fair wages and more accommodating schedules for all #it feels like we should be focusing on UBI and better work but the government sees the strikes and just thinks “lol not my problem” #i wish it was better to live in america. im working a lot and saving every penny but will not be able to afford a house in this city #i work my ass off and dont need all this money and feel like i should be making the same amount for a few hours less of work tbh #and my insomnia and anxiety and ibs and autism are like not accomodated properly at my work and i dont blame my job #i blame the country and local governments that dont put these issues into writing #i really enjoy my job but am getting forced out of it due to a lack of accomodations

[performing-personhood]

Can I move to a cottage in the woods surrounded by mist and moss

But like not have the opiliones

Because I really want to be a mysterious witch hermit but the opiliones are a serious fucking problem

Does anyone have a spell for opilione banishment or am I doomed to sterile ticky-tacky suburbia and modern pest control

#witch problems #i am a really bad witch okay #its half the autism and half the adhd and entirely the full-time job i don't have spoons for #opiliones #opiliones are daddylonglegs and huntsman spiders #phobia #no seriously #it is a huge phobia of mine #yes yes i know #they are harmless and whatever #i don't care shut up #seriously tho #can i live in harmony with nature but on the condition that opiliones fuck all the way off please #they can be a part of the ecosystem #way the fuck over there #away from me #and my house and my things

[bigendershadowthehedghog]

hi the lack of autonomy i have to just go on a walk by myself. thats it thats the post

#idk maybe i wouldnt be as weak as i am physically if i was just alowed to actually go outside more often #everytime i even go to a store that is even slightly further than the one nearest our house i get a whole entire lecture before i can put #my shoes on. like girl what #i know safety in numbers and all and the importance of that #but i just never get to leave the house sometimes unless im going with someone who lives here or a friend #and my friends dont have much free time ever and its a nightmare of scheduling just to go to the park #idk i just feel trapped but if i tell that to my mom shed give me some bullshit argument about safety and that i cant be trusted or smth #and i know this is because i have autism because before she knew that she let me just go to the store thats even more dangerous to get to #at like five. before she even considered the chance of me having autism. but now shes like oh but youll have a panic attack and die #to everything that i even think about doing. it just sucks #she is a good mom she just cant aknowledge when she isnt a good mom and its driving me up the fucking walls