#i am so conflicted over how to feel

[imogenkol]

— OCS AS HORROR THEMES/TROPES

I was tagged by @corvosattano and @simonxriley to do this uquiz! Thank you 💕💕

tag list (ask to be added or removed!): @adelaidedrubman @florbelles @marivenah @voidika @kyber-infinitygems @inafieldofdaisies @socially-awkward-skeleton @aceghosts @carlosoliveiraa @risingsh0t @unholymilf @thedeadthree @cassietrn @jackiesarch @gwynbleidd @shellibisshe @loriane-elmuerto @katsigian @captastra @simplegenius042 @theelderhazelnut @g0dspeeed

MEAT AS HORROR

meat hooks and conveyor belts and cold metal. the warm eyes of a stupid animal, completely unaware of the watering mouths that await it. "cut here" lines drawn on the body, slabs of steak that bleed and bleed, unrelenting. are you hungry? would you kill to stay alive? you feel like prey, or maybe like predator. sinew is stuck between your teeth, and gore dribbles down your chin. don't chip your teeth on the bones. you feel like the top of the food chain, and don't see the eyes gleaming behind you.

JUST CATHOLIC TRAUMA

(tw for implications of self harm) here god is judgment. every action is weighted, every action is watched. tally marks on a scoreboard, on skin, your body on a golden scale, and you can't shed enough weight to stop it from tipping. worship isn't enough. sacrifice isn't enough. guilt lays across you in layers. blankets, sheets of snow, cling-wrap cutting off your circulation. you can't save yourself, but you can never stop trying. fire licks at your heels, a constant reminder of what is inevitably waiting for you.

HEAVEN AS OBLIVION

there is absolutely nothing for you now. you are dead but not gone, you've passed on to the next realm and hit an infinitely extending wall. your fingers dissolve before your eyes, your eyes melt out of your head, your head does not exist. you are not present anywhere, and you cannot hear anything. you've dodged hell, but at what cost? this is all there is now.

FAMILY AS A CULT

you will never need anyone else. outsiders will hurt you, aim to corrupt you and ruin you and leave you in pieces, but your family will always be there for you. everyone has the same eyes, the same smile. the same sickly yellow light cast over their skin. the same tastes, the same food that melts to gray sludge on your tongue. family recipe. hugs last too long, touches linger and sting like sunburn. don't stray too far. if you come back looking like a wolf rather than a sheep, the dogs will eat you.

#oc insp: Imogen Kol #oc insp: Adhira Berkana #oc insp: Zephyrine Abraxas #oc insp: Feraleth Stendar #its 12:30 am and I'm thinking about the star war girlies #trying to decide how I feel about Imogen’s because gore imagery is not really her vibe #but there are definitely some lines in that result that hit #Zephyrine’s also has me a little conflicted BUT she really does get so caught up in her guilt over her dead padawan #that sometimes she is just not present at all. she feels dead too. #it’s why she took on Fera. to bring herself back to life. #and Fera’s result…..trying to be normal about the je//di cult imagery here….. #Adhira feeling the weight of upholding Nightsister culture on her shoulders because of Morgan 🥲

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

#bungou stray dogs #bsd 114 #is this meta? i don't know #more like just incoherent rambling lmao #i just don't want Nikolai to die man....... I really don't #i get that people are hyped up on the juicy tragedy of it all but plssssssss it's too soon for him to go #we need so much more of the enigmatic clown...... he's too interesting to lose just yet!!! #i'm sad at probably losing the outcomes i always hoped for him and fyolai but right now i just want More Of Him #he can't die so soon when he's barely even had pagetime #it COULD be fascinating to see Fyodor's reaction to taking over his body but....... i don't think he'd /have/ any right now #they need more time together before one of them dies #i always thought/hoped Fyodor would die first and Nikolai would be left alone to angst lmao but ugh........ #now it's really feeling like it'll be the opposite #which again doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing depending on how Asagiri executes it........ I just think this is way too soon for it to happen #i'm gonna be so mad if Nikolai just dies offscreen without us ever hearing from him again because Fyodor possessed his body #poetically cruel and tragic? yes. but also so anticlimactic at this moment in time #never getting to hear from him again......... #ugh i blame all the Fyolai fan creators; they've raised the bar too high 😭😭😭 #idk maybe i'm just talking out of my ass though. i probably am. i just feel conflicted about all this and need to see where it goes

[meyerlansky]

I have successfully boiled my problem with most of the izzy reads that i hate down to a sentence:

he's not sexually repressed, he's emotionally repressed.

#they are different and ihave paragraphs and paragraphs of thoughts on it #but dressing like a leather daddy and holding your hand over an open flame and literally everything else he does #is not the behavior of a man who doesn't know or realize what gets him going #he's not closeted. he's not homophobic. he thinks having Any Positive Emotion not related to violence makes you vulnerable #[and he's right for his experience and circumstance but i won't touch that now] #his conflict is emotional; ed's ability to captain isn't compromised by his being attracted to a man. it's compromised by Having Feelings. #their ability to survive a world that wants them dead isn't compromised by either of them being queer; it's compromised by being SOFT #by having WEAK SPOTS #pets are a weak spot. lovers are a weak spot. get rid of them to stay safe. not out of spite. #not out of a disdain for those relationships themselves. out of disdain for what Feelings Do To You #idk man maybe i am simply emphatic about this nuance because i get—more than I would like—the impulse to be SAFE #even at the cost of your self and some chances at being happier #he doesn't even care that lucius is gay in the deck scene and i'd go so far as to say he doesn't really care that lucius is slutty #insofar as. like. he doesn't know him and pete are open. from a monogamy-normative perspective it's a betrayal. #your partner being unfaithful when you expect them To Be is ALSO A THING THAT CAN GET YOU KILLED #like idk i just. i think people don't get how much of him is about safety? #and i know the show's created this atmosphere of 'homophobia isn't a real threat' #but they haven't removed the violence and danger crews other than stede face for Other Reasons #so. he's very security-driven. and that's why he speaks to me. #and it's annoying that people just make 'lol izzy's closeted' 'peak homophobic gay' jokes instead of. engaging. with the shit izzy AND ED #went through to make them emotionally closed off the way they are #THE SENTENCE IS A SENTENCE BUT THE EXPLANATION SURE ISNT

[umbralundertaler]

We are going to watch Spamton die on stream.

#Oh my gosh dude I am so conflicted over the fact that freedom won.... I don't know how to feel #Deltarune #spamton deltarune #spamton sweepstakes

[mango-mya]

Low-key feeling like I wanna give up Hazel as a character. I feel like I haven't been treating her right as her creator, I really don't use her a lot, and when I do, it's ONLY because Elora's, aka the OC that I'm much more emotionally attached to, involved in the story. Like, I might just re-do Elora's backstory without Hazel, since I'm probably just gonna give her up.

Hnnnfgfg I feel so bad because I know people like her but ohhh my god I don't know what to DO with her

#makes me feel even worse because all i ever post is OC x Canon so barely anyone knows about ELORA'S story!! so if I can't even explain hers- #-then how the hell am i gonna be able to explain Hazel's!!!!!! raaahgh!!!!!! #sorry #feeling very conflicted rn #wander over yonder #woy oc #woy ocs

[usareiis]

#seriously seriously one of the most beautiful pieces of music i have ever heard #i feel so conflicted thinking about this but i was always afraid to get more into shinee because of jonghyun #i remember the exact day he died when i was in high school and i remember feeling slammed with the news even though he was just guy from... #...clue + note to me and as i have gotten more into kpop in the past few years i have been there for all of shinee's comebacks from don't... #...call me on and i always kept them at a distance bc even though i thought they seemed so cool i was worried to get into them and always... #...feel like someone was missing. and now that my little sister has gotten so into them i have too #and it does feel like someone is missing all of the time and we watch so much content of jonghyun together that sometimes it hits me all... #...over again how unreal and bad it is that he isn't in the world with us anymore #i am so sad too thinking about how i almost didn't hear some of the most beautiful music out of the fear of grieving him #one of the most beautiful voices and i click with his words so so much #like he's my friend and i almost never got to know him :( and that thought it so much worse than the worry of having to miss him :( #it also makes me sick bc if it would have changed anything for him at all. he's still making so many people happy. he's still there for me. #i don't get this emotional every time i listen to him but sometimes it all hits me #music #Spotify

[seventh-district]

.

#it is 5 hrs past my bedtime and i am awake listening to Two Hearts by Dermot Kennedy on loop and crying over Rotating Shifts. again. #i couldn’t resist the urge to read the latest chapter any longer but i knew when i did i’d get like this #so Why did i wait for my period to roll around. i have made. a silly decision lmaooo #i’ve complained abt it before but i’m conflicted about how much more sensitive it makes me #my nightmares usually don’t make me cry but oh i was a Wreck this morning #so why i picked tonight to read the fic that always makes me cry is beyond me #i have never met a fic before that had me in such an intense emotional grip #and it’s fucking hilarious bc it’s not that intense of a story!! like yeah there’s been devastating parts but i’m out here having to- #-take a break every single chapter bc i’ll read one line that hits my inner child like a truck and i have to take a minute to recover #but the whiplash this fic gives me is so fucking funny and the range in the storytelling from comedy to tragedy is just.. *scream-cries* #it has my favorite characterization of Sun and Moon that i have ever seen #this chapter wasn’t even that sad i’m just Making myself sad about it #but on another level it also makes me sad in the sense that i don’t think i’ll ever be able to write something that good.. #all that i want out of my writing endeavors is to make one (1) person feel as strongly and as much as RS makes me feel #and i don’t know if i can do that. i don’t know if my writing has what it takes bc i can’t even describe exactly what it is #i don’t think it’s a science that can be replicated. things either connect with someone or they don’t #the way Sun goes from worryingly innocent ‘wdym we can’t invite strangers to live with us?’ ‘wdym we can’t adopt an adult that needs help?’ #to fucking. tearing an animatronic in half in a fit of protective rage and blocking access to all dating apps to prevent you from- #-finding anyone else bc he’s your Special Friend and he can’t have his Daydream falling for anyone else!! no no!! #it’s not a new concept but i eat it tf up when Sun is actually the one you should fear the most #like no i don’t think he’d hurt Reader but i dread to think of the things he would do For them #the back and forth between childlike innocence and terrifying intelligence possessiveness and physical capability is just mmmmm 100/10 #and don’t even get me started on Moon. or i Will start crying again #he’s ​like yeah dumbass of course i’m gonna save you every time some POS man tries to **** you. of course i will you fucking crater-head #but i will complain at you about it the Entire way home and then i will steal your fucking toilet paper and pack you a raw egg for lunch #because i hate you 🖤 but Sun loves you and we would both kill for you 🖤 also i drank all of your chocolate milk 🖤 also i hate you :) #anyways i am paraphrasing obviously and dear god i hope no one who actually reads RS sees this bc i do not want my 2am ramblings taken as- #-any kind of Official Thoughtful Analysis of the story ok pls pls pls let me be insane abt my favorite fic without having to be articulate #i just have so many fucking FEELINGS about them. i am unwell. #i’m not even tagging this i’m just hitting post and going to sleep goodnight

[averysjameson]

the final gambit spoilers //

"That was clearly a reference to Emily. She'd played them both, manipulated them both, but Grayson had loved her to the end."

thank you jlb for putting this together so well because i've been trying to explain this for so long !!

jameson broke up with emily — he was DONE with her. he wanted to show her that he's not hers anymore. he knew how bad she was, he knew about the audio recordings, and he was DONE.

grayson was with her when she died because he wanted her to love him (his words exactly). he was still with her, still believed she loved him as she died. he loved her to the end.

jameson was already heartbroken and done with her before she died, gray was done with her because she died.

i was always so confused because a part of this fandom seems to believe that jameson is the one who needs to realize emily is bad and i was always like??? what do you think him breaking up with her was?? he KNOWS

now, they are both traumatised from her death and the manipulation itself, but it doesn't change the fact that grayson is also stuck on loving her and forgiving himself, as it's been explicitly said many times

one of my predictions was that jamie is not gonna trust eve, and i was right! he's obviously hurting (imagine seeing someone who looks just like the person that manipulated you and ruined your life AND that person is a threat to your girlfriend) but he's not showing it for the sake of avery.

"Seeing her would kill Grayson. It might hurt Jameson, but it would kill Grayson."

always knew that avery telling jameson about eve in thl but not grayson would be important!! i'm glad avery is there for him and despite everything she tried protecting him bc she knew he'd be conflicted by seeing eve! we can see that avery feels a bit guilty and feels like she can't even ask him for help? she deserves the WORLD pls she's too good

i am more worried abt gray because he is hallucinating??? (or maybe he actually saw eve earlier and thought he was hallucinating) i guessed that the wine cellar was him breaking down, but he doesn't want to admit it? and now he trusts eve? he wants to help her, can't take his eyes off of her??

i really hope eve doesn't end up betraying them because they don't need that

all the mentions of gray being broken are hopefully leading to him getting better and healing, which COULD happen w him helping eve but first he needs to realize she is not emily

i have so many thoughts abt these 8 chapters so any thoughts/different takes are very much welcome !! i still don't know how i feel about eve hahah

#writing a whole essay pls i need to chill over this book #i am SO conflicted about eve idk how to feel #the final gambit #grayson hawthorne #jameson hawthorne #avery grambs #emily laughlin #the inheritance games #the hawthorne legacy #jennifer lynn barnes

[themyscirah]

Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute

#I JUST- SHDIAUDJSHDSHEYEYRYRYRY guys. guys #i know none of you see my vision and thats okay. i will make you see my vision. i will force you to see my vision. i will- #like jesus fucking christ oh my god. its so interesting and gives me so many emotions and just!!! #i know im not making sense bc none of my moots are sui sq fans and also like half of the content fucking me up specifically here is in my #head because i cant stop thinking about my absolute power fix it au but like!!!!!!! #also the fact i have a fix it for a comic that isnt out yet is so funny to me. its literally fucking real though. god knows we need it #may my own content carry me through the dark times (extreme villain waller arc) #anyways this fucks me up so bad you dont even know. someday ill actually explain it #dc hire me to write a suicide squad ongoing PLEASE. i could do it so good it would be so fucking good dc PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭 #also like this isnt me shipping them btw. like 110% not that. just to clarify. #i wouldnt even call it a friendship bc like. theyre not friends really. he has the most equal dynamic with her i would say but it still isnt #equal. shes v much his boss even though they have an understanding and respect there #like she believes and trusts in him much more than anybody really even himself. like she sees the good man and the leader even when he #doesnt. but she isnt nice about it. and there is a lot of conflict between them when there needs to be #like as much as ben is “wallers man”--the team leader she wanted from the beginning before rick flagg pushed his way in #ben i would say is still a very moral person even when lost and unsure of himself and his goodness (which is like one of his main things) #like i feel like while amanda can lean very into a “the ends justify the means” mindset in her worse moments and do bad things to get #herself out of a corner ben has like a deep and meaningful understanding of how the choices of your methods and how you act can weigh on you #like even though he was brainwashed and whatnot (thats still the story right? i cant remember) he holds a lot of guilt and baggage over his #actions and i think is able to temper amanda's worse tendencies in terms of that by calling her out when he recognizes that behavior #idk. i just really think that amanda waller and the suicide squad as a whole has lost its way without a more moral authority presence there. #like someone who can call her out and keep them more on track. which i really thing ben is and could be #i just very much am interested in their dynamic and how that would look like as equals and how i think they could help each other. #which ofc is what my wip is about and revolves around #blah #sui sq

[barnabybrainrot]

—-

#mod posts #idk dude i am so conflicted abt this ‘barnaby is overrated’ shit #on one hand im like… wow another person who feels he’s overrated. daring today are we? #on the other im like… i understand what its like when the character you like isnt the popular one in the community #like i normally tend to hyperfixate on the side characters so i absolutely know how frustrating it is #i also know from personal experience that a lot of it can just be hating it solely BECAUSE its popular #when i was like 14 and undertale came out i hated it just bc it was popular. and then i played it myself and yknow what? i enjoyed it #like… its okay not to like something!! everyone has unique tastes #and i also understand the concern abt barnaby being treated like snatcher (i know NOTHING abt snatcher so dont. quote me on that) #like theres a chance the ‘fanon’ version of barnaby will be given precedence over ‘canon’ #the same shit happened with sans. remember all those sans/reader fics where sans was this edgy mysterious guy? #yet in fanon hes just a funni little skeleton who likes bad jokes? #yet in *canon jesus christ i cant spell today #but like. can we just let people enjoy things if they arent hurting anyone? #like i get it its annoying sometimes. like i had to mute the oc tag bc i was tired of seeing RP stuff #but im not like. going into their inboxes and telling them theyre bad ppl for enjoying a popular character yknow? #sorry this is making like. no sense. and im sorry to put it in tags but i do NOT want this spreading #anyways. those are my thoughts for today.

[nightingaletrash]

Okay I think my first playthrough will be a Dark Urge Monk. I've still got to decide on the race and design, but I think I'll save that for launch day and play around in the CC until I like what I'm working with.

The Dark Urge just appeals to me so much, maybe its just where I'm at mentally or because of the characters I'm enjoying at this point in time, but the idea of someone wrestling with this inner darkness and the constant, draining battle against it... it'll either end with them finding people who help them control it and provide the support they need to keep it at bay OR it'll go pear-shaped and they'll be worse than ever :3

#bg3 #yes i am still thinking about Her #jinx literally altered my brain chemistry #like she's distinctly Not like the dark urge because she doesn’t have conflict over the things she does #she's Just Like That on her own. no dark impulses required just active choice #but its about the constant mental battle. the exhaustion the endlessness the never ending drain #and the way that it can actively ruin you and your relationships because you're constantly running on fumes #and the need to get it out so you can be free but you don’t know how to do that without making things Worse because no one ever taught you #believe it or not im actually in a pretty healthy mental space these days like im not in utter shambles #ive gotten good at recognising when things are getting bad and heading it off at the pass #but im still dealing with the fallout of years of trauma and mental illness so there's something strangely therapeutic #about exploring characters like jinx because while its not 1:1 my experience there's still kernels of me in there #depression. abandonment issues. paranoia. anger feeling trapped and unloveable #its all dialed up to 100 in jinx but theres bits and pieces of me in there and exploring that helps me come to terms with those pieces #oops this was supposed to be a bg3 post wasnt it lol

[justinefrischmanngf]

i need to get over myself and learn the languages i want to learn if i want to learn them like i just need to do it if i want to learn them then i should go out and learn them and like . fuck whatever else any of it means . yes it IS embarrassing to learn a language like the ones i want to learn as an adult but who CARES and yes i KNOW my grandparents will never want to speak to me in those languages but who CARES if it's important to me it can be important to me anyway

#had a moment last night bc i was apparently having an identity crisis which was random #but i had a moment where i was like well even if i learn all these languages no one in my family is going to want to speak to me #in those languages because of [insert reasons i don't need to go into here] and so ultimately none of this is like . cultural Really #it's just me wanting to feel as though i am connected to something when i will never be #and maybe that's true or maybe it isn't but if i want to learn them i should learn them anyway like . at the end of the day #i DO want to learn those languages and i think it would be interesting and i would love to be able to speak to people #in those languages even if the people i speak to aren't related to me and i would love to be able to speak languages that aren't english #and that all stays true even if i am not able to have the cultural connection through language with my own family #like i can go on and on about how disconnected i feel from my culture bc of everything that has ever happened in my life #but how i still feel alienated bc i'm Not White to white people and all of that is true but not learning a language doesn't make it #any better and maybe learning a language won't make it better either but i think it's a better use of my time #ALSO !!!!! NO ONE EVER GOES OH WHY WLD U LEARN FRENCH OR SPANISH [OR INSERT EUROPEAN LANG HERE] u have no real cultural connection to it!!! #so like why is it different bc i want to learn asian languages??? it's not! except in my head! or maybe irl too but i'm just saying #that i think i make all of this a much bigger deal than it has to be #that being said i did just try to look up classes and they r all for children and about keeping children culturally connected 2 their famil #l m f a o but that can't be ALL the classes ............. i'll work it out is what i'm saying and i need 2 get OVER myself #bc none of it is that deep and i can feel conflicted all i like but i should fucking DO smth about it at least #anyway i am posting this in the hopes that i can beat it into my own head bc i am sick and tired of being weird about learning #languages and i need 2 get over my weird cultural identity issues if i want to like . live a life where i don't want to explode and die

[bearsbeetsbeskar]

Mando Episode 4 Thoughts:

Well foundlings, we are 2 episodes away from the season being over and here we are. I truly don't know how to feel at this point. I mainly feel like I am still clinging to the vestiges of positivity and hopefulness that this season will turn out amazing, and BUILD upon what we have witnessed and learned in s1 and s2. I would however, be lying if I said I am losing hope and feeling frustrated/short changed at what we continue to receive for our Mandalorian and his little ward (also c'mon Din when are you going to just say that you are his father and he is your son???)

Buckle up cause this is long and I have a lot of feelings, and also I am sorry lol. I still love this show with all my heart but seeing Din and Grogu not really in the spotlight has got my panties in a bunch.

The Mon Calmari and Quarren romance that was dismissed as a FLING, I COULD NOT WITH THAT (she really said boy this was a situationship, cuffing season is over goodbye)

Din is playing sidekick to Bo as she embarks on this journey of reuniting Mandalore and reclaiming her forces (now let me be specific here and say that there is literally nothing wrong with sidequests, much of Din's journey with Grogu throughout s1 and s2 after The Sin, was completing sidequests, whether it was helping Cobb Vanth, the frog lady, or Cara Dune and Greef Karga. And I appreciate the friendship he has somewhat inadvertently formed with Bo up to this point, but it truly feels like he is being sidelined and she has been the main character). While Pedro confirmed that this season will show many other Mandalorians, the premise of this show focuses primarily on one Mandalorian and his journey with his son does it not??!!

It was endearing to see how he remembered speaking to Kuuil, and was educating Bo on how to speak to Ugnaughts but that was about it

WHEN JACK BLACK AND LIZZO APPEARED ON MY SCREEN I FULL OUT CACKLED AND SCREAMED YALL (because as much as I appreciate both respectively as actors and artists, that was the point that hammered home the writers and casting directors are taking their liberties with this season, not really serious, like yeah lets throw Jack Black in SW because why not???) Again, let me preface by saying there is nothing wrong with incorporating well known actors and celebrities when their characters add value, and depth to the storyline of the season or episode, e.g. Bill Burr as Mayfeld who appears in s1 and s2. But at this point it felt like shits and giggles that these two individuals were added to the storyline

I understand that the episode was called Guns for Hire, but it gets a little tiring to see the characters get sidequested into other things before they can accomplish their main mission. It feels like a plot line that has been overplayed at this point. Perhaps it would feel different if the stakes were higher with said sidequest, but investigating malfunctioning droids??? It's not really doing it for me. Now again, when Din was quested into helping Bo take that weapons freighter in Trask, or when he was quested into helping Cobb Vanth kill the krayt dragon for Boba Fett's armour, those had substance to them, and were genuinely enjoyable to watch because of the relationships he had with those characters, but this sidequest seemed so futile and put Din two steps backwards in terms of personal growth

Bringing me to my next point of contention, which is that we all of a sudden reverted back to Din hating droids? He made such progress with IG-11, specifically wanting THAT droid to help him navigate the atmosphere of Mandalore, or what about when he was rebuilding the N-1 starfighter in BoBF and working with Peli Motto's droids, like did we forget all that and return Din to his base programming of hating droids? I got a chuckle out of watching him donkey kick the battle droids, don't get me wrong, but the persistent comments to Bo and how his demeanour quickly changed up when he was interrogating them in the droid bar (it was hot but also disheartening) made me sad :(. What happened to that character development??

And lastly but most certainly not least, the relinquishing of the darksaber. LORD HELP ME THIS WAS THE HARDEST PART TO WATCH AND I WAS SITTING ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT IN DISBELIEF THE WHOLE TIME

I genuinely could not fathom that the writers would disregard the lore of the darksaber and everything we had learnt about it up to this point, from what Moff Gideon said about having to win it in combat, to the armorer telling Din in the BoBF the tale of the darksaber, explaining to him how to wield it properly

SO much of the anticipation built up towards season 3 has been placed on this weapon (including it in all of the show promo and posters) and it was handled so carelessly imo, its importance in Dins character and story building, his journey, him learning to wield it properly (lets face it, even though he isn't perfect at it, every time that man pulls out the darksaber and uses it I get wet) it was flippantly pushed aside just so he could hand it over to Bo and be like 'this is yours, you are the ruler of Mandalore now'

I, as I am sure many others did, wanted a good chunk of this seasons storyline to be Din's redemption, and some introspection into his pov of being a ruler, being a leader, reuniting Mandalore, what the Creed means to him now, how to be free of conflict so he can properly wield the darksaber, and how to be a Mandalorian after all that he has seen and been through (*cough* AFTER HAVING WALKED BOTH WAYS *cough*)

It felt like they struggled to connect the dots so so soooo hard by having him be like ' Bo defeated the mechanical bug creature that defeated me so it belongs to her' LIKE SIR WHAT

EVEN AXE WOVES ACKNOWLEDGES THIS. He was like girl the man you need to defeat is standing right behind you like a damn sidekick, I am not the one. And while I appreciated Bo standing up for Din and validating his identity as a Mandalorian just as much as they are, it all was such a mess and made no sense???

There is so much internal conflict within me yall, I keep thinking about what Pedro said in that interview of how interesting it is to play and witness a character that is thrust into a leadership position reluctantly, who has no desire to lead, and watching them grow, but Din has not done much growing to me in this season, he has stayed to Bo's side, watching her journey

no other thoughts of substance, except that grogu continues to be a cutie pie (he's a KNIGHT NOW ASDAGSKDASDJ), Din continues to look like a shiny WHORE without even trying (I still swoon)

I am really, genuinely, worried for the next two episodes, there is a lot riding on them. I have a sneaking suspicion that they also will not confirm Moff Gideon's return until the season finale, and end on that cliff hanger

If you have read this far honestly you are wonderful and I appreciate you following me and listening to my nonsense rambling cause this show has ruined by life in the best way but it feels so UNTETHERED rn

CAN I SCREAM IN SOMEONE'S INBOX ABOUT THIS PLS CAUSE I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

#the mandalorian #the mandalorian spoilers #damn my own recap got me so worked up #thats how conflicted I am over this season so far #CAN I SCREAM IN SOMEONE'S INBOX ABOUT THIS PLS #OR LIKE TALK ABOUT IT WITH SOMEONE CAUSE I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS #I still love Din #I still love grogu #my fave father son duo #a clan of two #but filoni and favreau seemed to have all but forgotten what has taken place in s1 and s2 and are just flying by the seat of their pants #I get that the main arc is to reunite the Mandalorians and reclaim Mandalore but it does not feel like Din and Grogus story anymore #does anyone else feel this way or are yall normal

[running-in-the-dark]

I'm just sitting here mentally telling myself 'I don't have to like him just because I find him attractive, I don't have to like him just because he's hot, I don't have to like him just because I like the character' over and over until I start to believe it

#every single time I love a character I also start to love the actor. sometimes that sucks. I don't want to. I want to pretend he doesn't #exist #but he's got the same face and the same body and the same voice and I just. how do I not do this. #I don't like him. I don't want to like him. he's at the very least kinda gross about women. which I'm not okay with. so. just. ugggh #it's just that I look at him and my mind shuts off and it's like 😍🥰😍 #rationally I know that's also fine. I'm allowed to like people who aren't perfect (and no one is perfect anyway) #buuut. it makes me feel disgusting. #idk. I guess I just. i dealt with this for so long when I was younger because like. most of the men I thought were hot were also #misogynistic. because the culture at the time was so much worse. and it was just accepted. #and I fucking hated it and I don't want to deal with that anymore #it's just. idk. it feels gross and bad and I don't like it #but. I do find him extremely attractive and I want him so so bad and I don't know what to do with that #ugh I need to just. not be attracted to people. it happens so rarely but when it does it only causes trouble. #or maybe I need to get over these weird morality standards that I have but I don't think that's possible? like how would that work? I don't #get it. #anyway. yes this is about Eliot/CK no I won't elaborate on that and also I hope he's actually a great guy and everything I've seen #that made me think otherwise is just wrong #I will still stare at his face and think about him and listen to his stupid gross music all day. and I will enjoy it. but I will also #feel conflicted about it 😔 #(but damn it he is hot and his arms are big and I am just a human being and I am very very weak 😫 big arms make me fucking stupid)

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#i need to do some brain working out to try to get stronger and not overthink things #but i am upset and feeling very anxious rn (: #i came back from the optician (which i was dreading) and just started sobbing #i'm so overwhelmed right now you have no idea #i went to get my new glasses which were SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE like waaaaay more than i thought #and i don't have much choice of frames either because of all the shit that go into my lenses #but the choices i had today where not only very few but also ugly as fuck #but literally had no choice cause i don't have money and i had to get the cheapest frames to sort of balance how expensive the frames are #and what makes me feel like a piece of shit is that i'm complaining about ''ugly frames'' and whatever when i am able to get them #like i was able to do all the tests i needed to get done i am able to go and buy the glasses with the graduation and the prism and everythi #and i'm SO FUCKING LUCKY that i can and that i have a job that allows me to buy these #and that my family doesn't have to pay them (cause we couldn't) #and i feel like a dick for complaining cause i can fix my eyesight (to an extent) with glasses and i'm not actually blind or anything #but it also sucks that i have to spend literally all of my money just to be able to see #i'm trying so hard to get in the mindset that i'm not getting these glasses for fashion but as medicine #like if i needed a wheelchair it wouldn't be for fashion either #these are aids to help me be healthy and safe and not get run over by a car #even if they look like shit #but you know i'm conflicted :/ #angel talks #personal

[sysig]

I really should clean up that KoiBo essay I started, I got like 3k words deep and it was all just mushy rambling about how much I love Souichi

#Koisuru Boukun #I really do love Souichi he's such a fascinating character study #I guess like half of that is also about Morinaga - he's also really interesting but I'm a lot more clinical about him lol #With Morinaga I'm like ''Ah yes his trauma stems from xyz and presents as abc and thus efg happens'' #Whereas with Souichi I'm just like ''Ahhhhhhhhhhh he loves his family so much and he's so stupid but so smart fjdkslafj'' lol #Like there IS analysis in there! I'm particularly fascinated by his perception of nuance in others and himself and how that grows over time #Even just in Challengers - hell /especially/ in Challengers they're already such well fleshed out characters #I consider KoiBo to basically be a soft reboot and some of the decisions are uhhhhhhh questionable #But other than the glaring one they're mostly logically consistent with what Challengers set up and just fjdsklajfldf #They're honestly such interesting characters!! #They're also codependent lol definitely had no impact on my tastes in literature going forward #What's the line I have buried somewhere in the file uhh #If I had a nickel for every time I got fixated on a guy who goes around wearing long coats with lapels has round glasses long hair an... #Interesting personality and whose story centrally focuses on trauma and queer themes in the 90s I'd have two nickels #Which isn't a lot but it's weird that it's happened twice #I am also fully open to more recommendations of that particular niche if anyone has some because lbrh - they are few and far between #JFKlsfd every time I think about KoiBo I'm just like ''I wish this was written this way on purpose'' lol #It can be cracked open into some of the best writing I've seen about learning to love yourself as an ace person! #But it super does not feel like it was written with that intention!! Agh my conflictions lol #Well that's also part of the charm lol I trend towards forgiveness for things that I love that much #I still always feel like I'm making excuses for liking it as much as I do tho lol ahh......the self consciousness of loving something lol