#i can’t imagine myself happy

[internetfuggo]

this is how it feels to work in trade as a 17 years old.

#one must imagine sisyphus happy #trade #shitpost #i hate it here #am i sishyphus #i can’t imagine myself happy #ARGHHHHHHHH. #sisyphus

[mostlykind]

just bawled my eyes out because I imagined myself getting the job and having to work 9-5 five days a week in person……….

#don’t reblog ‼️ #but also. lol #it’s a running family joke that I cry at every new chapter in my life #i cried when I started high school and then alevels and then uni #for a WHILE #like months on end 😀 #and now I’m going thru the same thing apparently #i can’t imagine myself happy #but then again sitting at home is depressing too #god i dont know #i can’t imagine being okay #rahma’s rambles

[cipherr]

#swtor #sith warrior #eralei audroti #gonna ramble in the tags real quick hope u don’t mind #six years ago today i created one of my most beloved characters of my whole entire life #and i may not really Go Here(TM) anymore but i still love her just the same #i can’t even really put into words how much she means to me #without getting too much into it…as corny as it sounds she really did help me realize so much about myself #im no stranger to putting myself in a character i have been doing this since i was a child #but there are such sacred precious pieces of me in eralei #pieces i never even realized i planted #and i will forever be thankful for this beautiful little creation of mine #she inspired me so much #led me to deepen some friendships even #even though i don’t play swtor anymore she will always have a special place in my heart #i will seriously cherish her until the day i die #she may just be a fictional character in a video game born from my imagination #but to me she is so so so much more than that #happy birthday eralei #i love u

[sunnnfish]

Maybe I’m okay with it if Hirano never traditionally “loves” Kagi. Or anyone. Maybe it never will turn into the same kind of love Kagi feels. Kagi is nevertheless such a source of inspiration and strength and comfort to Hirano. Even if he never feels a desire to touch or get married or whatever. Maybe he does it because Kagi asks and he loves making Kagi happy most of all. He wouldn’t seek it if not asked. But Kagi is always asking. And he knows it makes Kagi happy. Does anyone see the vision. Do you understand. Maybe kagi will be okay with it if Hirano never “loves” him the same way Kagi loves him. Because he knows how Hirano works and he knows how Hirano cares. And he knows he is unique to Hirano. He knows Hirano wouldn’t do these things with anyone else. And that’s still love in its own way.

#every day I convince myself more and more of aroace-spec Hirano #or maybe the perceived slow-burn is getting to me #it’s like. I kind of keep forgetting that there is still going to be more relationship and character development #but also. At this point in time at least they are so queerplatonic to me #AND it all wraps back around to the theme of different kinds of love #we do not love each other in the same ways. but that’s what makes it special #also a queerplatonic relationship answers all the weird limbo relationship stuff they have goin on in future ssmy chapters #idk. anyways. maybe im crazy #also all comes back to How do you quantify being someone’s most important person #Kagi WILL be the most important person to Kagi. it’s just a question of how that manifests #at this point I can’t imagine it manifesting in Hirano necessarily wanting to touch Kagi or saying things like I love you #it’s simply. laughter and happiness and comfort #they are already old together. do you get it #I never feel like I’m properly able to explain the feelings I have. whatever #surely someone gets it #sunnfish.kghr #Hirano to kagiura #Hirano and kagiura

[inamindfarfaraway]

As an autistic person who has no internal sense of time and pretty often forgets to eat, talk to people and do any other task while absorbed in a special interest, it’s extremely funny to me that the tragedy of Hadestown hinges on Orpheus being too busy composing to notice:

Him and his wife running out of food and firewood.

His wife and father figure repeatedly asking him pay attention to them.

His wife leaving to find more supplies in the harsh winter full of desperate people, alone, without him even offering to help.

A huge storm with “the wrath of the gods” in it blowing in the same direction his wife went.

Hades emerging from the afterlife to manipulate his wife into killing herself.

His wife killing herself.

And then after all of this, he gets up and is like “Where’s my wife, my sun, my heaven and Earth, the food and drink of my soul, who I would do absolutely anything for and could never live without?” And he means it! It was never that he didn’t care! He was just in the Zone!

#HE HAD A CREATIVE FLOW #like. i’m trying to imagine myself writing pages of fanfic in one sitting and then it turns out my mother died #the emotional whiplash is just unfathomable #it’s also very relatable that at that point where him and eurydice’s happy ending hinges on #him concentrating on a singular straightforward task for an extended period of time #NOW he can’t do it #he can’t do it on command! #i get it! that’s how it is! #hadestown #hadestown orpheus

[elliesbelle]

NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE EVERYTIME THAT I THINK I’M NOT ENOUGH

#but literally like #that’s exactly what happens now #AND I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TIME YOU’RE A LITTLE FUCKING SORRY #LIKE???? is there NO guilt?!?! i have to live with the grief and you get to be fucking happy #‘i deserved to move on’ ‘you think it was easy to move on’ IDGAF you still moved on?????? #YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN’T CALL ME BACK #the FUCK happened to loving me always????????? through thick and thin???? i never stopped fucking loving you despite what i was going thru!! #all i feel now is fucking shame and disgust for myself because didn’t i fucking say?????? didn’t i fucking say you were gonna leave me again #and you swore you never would again!! then wtf happened!!! #you couldn’t handle my trust issues with you and i just know you hated me for not getting over them #i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i can’t do it anymore #AND I JUST CANT IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD BE SO OKAY NOW THAT IM GONE #literally you’re fucking okay and in fucking LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE i am literally fucking NOTHING to you anymore #you always have and will ALWAYS find love in and with someone else and i never will again #the possibility of being with someone again literally disgusts me i am not doing it ever again #‘you’ll find someone else eventually’ i am NOT like YOU who always finds someone else i literally have NEVER found anyone else since you #i am literally and have never been enough and you don’t care #v #belle speaks

[kim-dokja-hate-blog]

as time goes on, i understand more and more abt that time kim dokja randomly told all his friends that he wanted to live in a big house with them once the apocalypse was over. i think that was the first time he actually included himself in the dreams of their future, too convinced he’d die before getting there. he. yeah.

#this is why i can’t actually hate him yknow #bc although it’d be easier to read the novel if i did and i believe he put so many ppl through unimaginable pain he’s just. so human. #there’s something in him that longs for a world where he can just be with the people he loves #but he longs more for the people he loves to be happy #and he thinks he can’t be a part of that picture no matter what anyone says #and. idk. #i believed something like that for a while #that i wasn’t unloveable but a pain to love #that i wasn’t hated but i wasn’t liked #that i did good but only through the pain of myself #and in some sort of horrible way i can see parts of myself i don’t ever want to see in kim dokja #and. i want a house to live in with all my friends #and i want to be part of their future #i can’t even imagine myself there most of the time but by god do i want it #but. the parts of me that have to change in order to achieve that feel unchangeable #even when i know they aren’t true #orv #omniscient reader #kdj #kim dokja #orv novel #orv spoilers

[fellhellion]

#feel free to reblog the meme if u like lmao #just leave the tags out #vent.txt #<- sorry just need to have a moment lmao #inflicted w the yearnings for romantic relationship yet again 😞 but so keenly aware of how much I’d have to unpack in myself to truly be a #part of it #like. I don’t trust people. I don’t confide in people. I tell them nothing about myself for years and years and I used to resent a little #that that was enough for them. that they didn’t NEED to know. that me loving and caring for them was enough. but it’s so silly because like #how can you resent people for not knowing what you won’t tell them. so thankfully THAT has passed #but it’s just like. there are so many issues. like I just CANNOT conceptualise myself as romantically attracted #attractive* #not even in a self deprecating sense it just feels like an immutable fact. I can’t imagine someone looking at me w romantic desire. #and it’s like. I honestly don’t know if I could let my walls down enough to actively love someone back like that #it’s so easy to love from afar. and hell haha maybe THATS because it’ll always be easier to love someone when they can’t know all of you to #love in return #but I just don’t know how I can do it. I don’t know how to view the risk as being worth it #and at the end of the day I’ll be okay if romantic love isn’t in the cards for me. you can live a happy life without #but ah fuck. sometimes the but I am so lonely.jpg hits

[maruren]

ParaLive last episodes

I finally finished watching the last 3 episodes of the anime with my friend (she wanted to watch all the anime with me, so she forbade me from spoiling myself or listening to CD-dramas) and two things:

Thank God, Nayuta is alive and (probably relatively) healthy. I won't be able to stand any tragedy with the twins.

WTF you mean Chisei is dead?! I already love Buraikan too much to fully understand and accept that one of them has been dead. For 10 years! I thought Chisei's death was a meme, not reality. How are they still releasing songs?! They're a duet. This is not AKYR or TCW, where, technically, the team can continue to exist if one participant drops out. There is no such thing as a one-person team.

Or is it a team of one person and one illusion? Like this is not just angst, but an agony of pain and constant grief. Cool.

I cannot accept and I refuse to accept that Chisei is dead. All characters of ParaLive deserve happily ever after. In my head, Chisei experienced a clinical death that put him into a deep coma, from which he came out of very late, but then had a wonderful life with Haruomi without any phantometal shit. (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )づ♡ (இ﹏இ`｡)

(I know this is not ( and probably never be) canon, but I don't have a free week to cry and worry about these two, I have a damn university)

#paradox live #paralive #buraikan #chisei kuzuryu #haruomi shingu #not a character's death #i want to know more about this two so badly #i want these two be happy #does Haruomi have two traumas? #I can’t imagine how unbearable his pain #probably similar to Kanata’s one #But if Chisei was in a coma the whole time #that could explain why he still looks so young #tell myself not fell for angst ship #fell for broken glass ship

[loveofastarvingdog]

squealing and. OAUAGAUAGG

#they’re SILLAYYYYYYYYYY #they’re my silly guys hiiii they are SILLAYYYYY #timothy's txts. #BENEVOLENT . AOAIAGG A WORLD WHERE THEY ARE HAPPY AND SILLY #A WORLD WHERE THEY ARE HAPPY AND SILLAYYYYYYYYYYYY #A WORLD. where they. are happy. AND SILLY #tw caps #i’m going to kill myself for real #my stomach hurts so sick i’m so happy ouagh can you imagine #CAN YOU IMAGINE #a world where they are silly. #😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 a world where they are silly #tw emoji #A WORLD. i can’t even finish this #DINNER DATE??? THROUPLE???????? #oh goddddddddddddddddddd can you imagine a world where they are fucking silly

[carmeloffie]

oh i’m never, ever leaving this stupid fucking place 😐

#i can’t explain it i just can’t imagine myself actually living elsewhere and being happy. imm listening to the art teacher #samael speaks

[positivelyapunovexponent-good]

it would be really cool if I could have a day this month where I wasn’t so chronically afraid it felt like my intestines were twisted into a möbius strip. Because ya’know- I really like my digestive tract being an orientable manifold. If that’s all the same to the universe.

#it’s the grad school applications I think. It’s really really getting to me #I just. I dunno. It’s hard to eat. Sleep. Talk to people. I try my best but yeah. This is most of what I think about all the time. #Is it normal to feel this bad because of them? Like is this typical levels of graduate school application stress? #The stakes feel so high even though I know they’re not. If I don’t get in I just apply for a job and then reapply to grad school later #But I think it goes deeper than that. The idea of grad school applications has got me really closely examining myself and… #I genuinely worry I’m just- a kinda mediocre mathematician at best #I’ve been starting to feel really insecure about how slow my processing speed is. Would anyone want to invest in someone like me?? #Who does legitimately have disabilities that make efficiently solving problems harder for me than most? #My dad once told me I’m not capable of thinking like a mathematician. Because I’m so slow. He encouraged me not to major in it. #I’m really happy I disregarded him. I can’t imagine doing anything else. I love math and I love research. But I wonder if he was right #I guess it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I’m going to do math whether I’m cut out for it or not. And if that has to be recreational #Because no graduate school wants me. Then so be it. #But I do really want to go to graduate school. I really love the grad level classes I’ve done. #I really hope I make it #vent #graduate school jeremiad #research jeremiad

[floral-hex]

no see I WILL write something eventually, I haven’t been putting it off, I’ve just been uhhhhh cultivating the story for a couple of years yeah yeah

#stop cultivating and start harvesting idiot #no but I CAN’T write until I have at least a dozen books of story ready to go #how am I supposed to foreshadow anything if I don’t know what’s going to happen 500 chapters later??? #how am I supposed to write a character even a minor one if I don’t have their entire future backstory and parent’s backstory planned out?? #I can’t worldbuild unless I plan out all of the major cities including their political systems religions economy food production trade etc #also I just don’t want to sit down and write #so I just sit an worldbuild in my head all day #I have been for like two years now this is the longest I’ve seriously ‘worked on’ (ie daydreamed) a story in my head #and it’s really cliche and has a billion well worn tropes but it’s like… this is my comfort world building #and by comfort I mean really kinda fucked up world but whatever every edgelord or loser with an over active imagination has one #I need to read more people’s uhh… like.. not published authors… like tumblr users writing or whatev. like what is it called ao3? that stuff #not to be negative to them or anything but to like hype myself up #like see you don’t have to be a big named author to put your mind out there #I’m just kind of babbling here #suddenly reminded that a book I like John Dies At The End was originally released chapter by chapter online #so like… you don’t have to be like ‘this has to be put out whole in one book to be real writing’ #I just need to write for fun but im a very shy boy 🥺 #im fucking 34 im not a little boy I have to remind myself #anyway… if any mutuals read this much and you write online you should message me something you have that you like so I can read it #and I’ll be extra sweet and supportive and happy bc you’ll be helping me and I’ll get to support you #or whatever. I dunno. this is dumb. I’m sorry for wasting your time! jeez! #you can ignore this #text

[yoohyeon]

Not gonna lie guys I feel pretty depressed right now so I don’t feel like coming back soon 😭 I am not deleting this account it’s never gonna happen, but I need a break right now, even tho I miss you all so much 🥲 Ily all and I hope you are happy and healthy 💕

Please use my tag for your content so I can reblog them all whenever I come here for like 5 minutes bfksbd -> #Korimilook!

You can follow my Insta I post pets pics mostly -> alex_Korimi

#i don’t like saying depress cause idk if it really what I’m feeling but you get what I mean I’m not happy fkdbdjd #news tho I saw the doctor today she told me I most likely have anxiety probably TDAH and could even be autism #ADHD* I always right in English even when I talk french and now I write it in french fkdbdjd 😭 #she sending seeing a social worker to work on myself first and later see to get a real diagnostic cause a free psy is like 1 year of wait 😭 #it’s not telling anything yet but at least this is more clear jfbsjdjs #if you are also wondering what I’m doing with my life right now I’m like usual avoiding my problems #by playing Pokémon games and drawing fakemons cjbsjsns #I’m working seriously on my own region the bad part is I can’t draw any characters tho fkdbjdnd #but I least it makes me happy to imagine 🥰 #i have like 90 fakemons made not all draw but imagine at least #my goal is at least 100 like a usual new gen has aproximetely 100 pkms each #i may post some soon on my sb even if I’m not here lately #they are not getting enough notes for me to worry about reblogs on weirdos blog anyway we’ll see fkdbdj #love you all 💕 #if I don’t answer dm I’m sorry it’s not you I’m just not here :’) #I’m not really in the mood to talk #also if for Insta you don’t want me to follow back you can refuse I won’t be mad 🥰 but I will always ask to follow back hahaha #alex.txt

[vote-for-eggman]

ace spectrum stuff in tags just to throw it out there and not worry about it

#personal #i don’t want to be hung up on labels too much but… #the more I think about considering myself aromantic the more it feels comfortable to me #but i am also very much aware this could just be me finally learning to live with myself #like ALONE and HAPPY #on the other hand I truly can’t imagine myself in a relationship or what I want out of it #maybe I just do not know how to love someone like that? #and that’s okay right?

[finalhaunts]

Siigghh

#vent #idk man. feeling hopeless again #it is. so hard to be optimistic about the future when it is genuinely difficult imagining myself anywhere else but here #its difficult imagining myself getting out of this house that’s actually through a realistic scenario and isn’t just wishful andromanticized #my friends are trying to help me get out of here at least but is it even going to work out? is this all even going to be worth it? #idk. #imagining myself in a happier scenario genuinely truly does not feel right. it doesnt feel realistic. it doesnt feel possible. #and whenever I think about it I just feel weird because I know I can’t get my hopes up like that #the thought of myself being happy doesn’t feel normal. #i feel like i’ve just been stuck in the same place i’ve always been and i always will. both literally and metaphorically #i’m always going to be in this shitty house around my shitty parents rotting away like i have been for nearly 18 years now #and i feel like despite my age i haven’t actually grown up. I havent grown as a person or changed or anything. #i dont have any big achievements. i’ve never worked. I put off getting drivers ed for years until now #I don’t know how to cook or to do things the right way unless i’m shown #literally 80% of my fucking life has been spent in my room or in school #i feel like i’ve just been in stasis for years and the thought of actually having a life feels impossible. #i get the whole ‘you don’t want to die you just want an escape’ thing people say but I genuinely can’t think of any other way I could really #escape this. #the only thing that’s really keeping me from actually going ahead and killing myself is the fact that it feels selfish. i feel selfish. #because its going to hurt my friends and im going to feel even worse about it if i survive #I’m honestly envious of all my friends lives. why couldn’t i have gotten that lucky.