#i cant put my feelings into words rn

[lycanthian]

gonna be 19 in less than a week. its hitting me. girl what tha fuck.

#i dont even know if this is a bad thing its just scary #ive gotten a couple goals in for the year? getting a boyfriend and opening commissions being the main two #but it feels like ive spent most of the past year struggling with depression and debilitating anxiety and. ueagh #ive spentnso much time feeling awful and hating myself and not enough time enjoying myself. #i still struggle with doing basic tasks both hobbywise and selfcare wise and just. ueaagh. #i feel gross and annoying and difficult to get along with and awkward and lazy and. uaaaghhhggh #itsso bad rn i cant even put into words how im feeling properly #ive been teetering back and forth on the edge of a depressive spiral a la december 2023 for the past month #and imscared im gonna hit that again. and not have a way to cope and rest through it this time #because i have finals and portfolio stuff and im moving #and i have to help my friend make sure that shes going to have a place to live over the summer #and i have to get my drivers license and i have to get working on community service hours and i have so so so so so much to do and. weh #im scared i wont be able to do any of it #lycan howls

[fleshandwires]

god. I'm thinking of one-sided shockbee again

Love the idea of Shockwave being the one crushing on Bee first, maybe that little crush starts on boot camp. Bumblebee is always around him, trying to seem cool and great at everything, Shockwave thinks it's annoying at first, he can't wait for this mission to end and offline this annoying thing.

But then he gets used to Bumblebee. He actually listens and pays attention to every word that comes out of Bee's mouth, the minibot's grown into him, and he hates it. Bumblebee's annoying, immature, and a loudmouth, traits a bot who's trying to be part of Intel (and also hiding the fact they're a Decepticon) shouldn't find endearing. And yet, he has found himself more than once looking at Bumblebee and listening.

Bumblebee doesn't help the situation at all, he's making it worse. He'd go around holding Longarm's hand to drag him somewhere, or get too close during a simulation while trying to get cover and it makes Shockwave a mess, Bumblebee doesn't even try to keep his EM field to himself, it crashes into Shockwave's own when he gets close.

Toleration becomes something else, it starts making Shockwave go slowly insane about it, he's spending time with Bumblebee after he becomes head of Intel, buys gifts for him or other stuff Bumblebee has shown interest in. Bumblebee's probably aware of more than friendly feelings going on by now, but god they're probably both so stupid about it, no one confesses. ever.

Shockwave is infatuated with the minibot, he can't deny it, Bumblebee continues to plague his thoughts like a virus, he wants to crush him and put an end to all, he wants to hold him tight, wants to feel their spark fields interlace and beat like one, he wants to rip his spark out, it's a mess, and he dug himself deeper into it by indulging his feelings.

#i cant even put into words the way these two make me feel #worst part about this is that i have to make my own food </3 because my brain thinks of very specific scenarios #shockbee nation WE ARE FALLING APART #Come back 💔 #shockbee #tfa shockwave #tfa bumblebee #forgive me if this is rambly and makes no sense #im not feeling the greatest rn and writing this served as a distraction </3

[scarecrowbutch]

what i really wish wouldve happened for simon and bettys arc forreal, if they were going with the whole "betty has sacrificed everything for simon and he never cared" (WHICH AGAIN IS NOT TRUE !!!!!! but thats a whole other post teehee) would be for simon to ... sacrifice smth in return ? whether that be something like him taking on the role of a wishmaster for her like that au ive seen going around and giving her the option to wish for whatever shed want to, or using the crown to take on the role of golb in her stead, just SOMETHING along those lines if they really wanted to go in that direction. give her an opportunity bc otherwise its just kinda 👎

#bear.txt #fionna and cake spoilers #at spoilers #adventure time spoilers #i have a differentttttttttttttt ending in my own mind but i can write that later .. #bc wow i feel this was wildly. uh. mischaracterizing them and also betty deserved sm better teehee #stop acting like she was crazy for him and he didnt do anything in return like helloooooooo you missed the whole point LOL #anyways. smiles #i have a lot of thoughts but i cant coherently put them into words rn

[flufflecat]

anyone else finding it really, really personally nauseating that the pjo show would remove gabes entire character and replace him with someone less abusive to make sally a Strong Female Character. like wow, im sure glad that youve proven that women who are abused are the REAL threat to feminism, and they should just try talking back more!! what a good message to send to abused kids. sorry, kid. i guess you just didnt argue hard enough and #Own your abuser into seeing how cool and strong you are. what do you mean that arguing with an abuser will only make them hurt you more? but look how snappy and cool and feminist sally is now!!! youre clearly just being abused wrong.

#pjo #gabe ugliano #any other kids who related to percy feeling a bit uhhhhhhhh like shit rn #saw a post saying how sally being 'less simpering and helpless' is a good thing #like fuck you. jesus fucking christ. #can you think about what youre saying for 2 fucking seconds. #lemme just go tell my mom that she needs to stand up for herself more brb #oh wait i tried that as a kid and guess what it got us. more abuse! #changing sallys story for the purpose of making her a 'stronger' character is disgusting in ways that i cant put into words #women dont have to be abused Well to be worthy of sympathy #and getting angry didnt fucking help me get out of being abused #this was the only story where my sister and i felt seen and were DEFINITELY not the only people who related to it #taking that away from kids who went through our situation is awful #and the fact that anyone would consider it necessary to... idk. fix how the book portrayed abuse? it hurts more than i thought it wo #fluffle talks #negative #personal #sorry im not tagging this post very well #i dont really have the energy to find the right tags rn

[toestalucia]

this tagline...T_^ thinks about how main story alrdy referenced other timelines such as boundary power captain & like all of the events currently on the anni page? isnt only the sara & cagliostro events missing? along with all the different jobs, like its ssooo cheesy but i alrdy rly loved that they rly do lean into the timeline thing with 'everyone experiences granblue differently', so seeing this...regardless of the intention of it

#stardust speaking ! #gbf spoilers// #I THINK...gbf is such a lovely game. and i think its perfectly fine to only enjoy the parts u want in what capacity u want #when they first mentioned timelines i was Very concerned<3 but? with the way theyre doing it..................im very fond of it #im keeping track of food rn so i cant rly have the focus to put together my words like i want to #but i think saying 'u can experience gbf in ur own way' along with how they already handle events (even if at this point u often have to #accept the narrative that these ppl know each other (even if they often Are introduced within the event/story #so i feel...? its ok. probably. im not new anymore. but also having the tab on the preview page #that says 'hey these are the related events + characters' has been such a lovely change too #even on the anni page directly linking the imprtant chs?!?!? i think its cool! like! i would nvr look thro all that as a new plyr but! #i like it #anyway having 'soar to the cosmos' when cosmos isnt there on the page is a crime #like i dont supercare but i also do think its hilarious LOL

[ashfdhfgdsfk]

might remake to a new account entirely and change the name i go by

#depresso rant incoming skipp all this if you dont wanna hear it #txt #el/ena might have to become a deadname for lack of a better word sjdhfg #putting the slash because im beyond paranoid now #nothing on this earth is sacred i feel like ive lost the only safe space i had left #would you guys call me some silly name if i asked :-( fuck #shit im so hurt this is the worst #trying to be positive so im not just a huge drag but im so isolated in my real life and as stupid as it sounds #tumblr was becoming a little home id carved out for myself #and i feel like im never going to feel safe here again #but in order to tell you guys about a new blog url ill have to post about it which means they might see it too and uagshfg #and god it doesnt even matter bc my arts out there anyway and a few random 10k+ note posts so theres a chance theyll find me no matter what #and shit i loved so many of my old urls but i cant ever reuse them and i feel like im seriously losing my fucking mind trying to hide #like tumblr and having you guys was the only thing keeping me going through all this shit and it feels like ive lost all of that comfort #this is gonna be the worst fucking birthday ever dude just for that extra cherry on top like i seriously have nothing going for me rn SJDHG #denver and a few lovely mutuals to keep me kicking but oughgf #i feel sick #feel like i need to shower and scrub my soul raw to get this vile ass feeling out #god im sorry to be negative i rlly am i try to keep things cheery round here but im styeadily reaching my limit #and i want to reblog stuff to comfort myself but i dont want to reblog anything in case theyre watching and fuck im so dfjsfgjksfjkgsfkdgh #i could really go for a hug right about now s'all

[silenthillbunni]

📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2

#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore #we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life #i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible #if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green #and later this year i think i might change my name #it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random #i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel #really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am #to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate #but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it #but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so #when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy #i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that #also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk..... #rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els #sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w #not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else #but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway #that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but #all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever #i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right? #i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not #im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help #it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning #nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my #feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions #i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary

[b4kuch1n]

one thing I thought was missing from canon sk8 was the mine being haunted apparently. so we are bringing that into burnished house for absolutely no fucking reason

#sk8 the infinity #burnished house #(I am jokeing there is. in fact. a reason) #(you will not learn this until the divorce comes up) #(well the preliminary reason is I fucking love ghost stories and want to put them in everything) #(and that reki is afraid of scary things which makes him my favourite kind of victim. younger sibling coded for that only) #Im actually having a lot of fun alternating povs between reki and langa bc Ive like. accidentally grounded langa's in #very clear and present bodily sensations. straight up uncomplicated observations about materials in the world around him #while reki's gets all the hyperboles and pretty poetic stuff. I enjoy the idea of him being good at storytelling #ESPECIALLY bc him taking words to heart including scary stories. big deal to me ok? #love to write langa and going from things that clearly are present right there in the scene to the most insane thoughts a man can have #and then write reki and jump wildly between dork ass energetic shounen character speech and romanticizing the fuck out of concrete #weird thing to say after writing three fics of like 20K+ words in total about them granted lmao #but like. listen. I feel like burnished house is me going apeshit so far. this is truly my time to be the worst ever #same approach as I took with [REDACTED]. oh you think this is bad? just wait #I have already added TWO old people ghosts into this one. be in awe of my power #well. be in awe of it when I finish this chapter... I need to sleep rn dksdfhdskj #have a good nite lads. I cant wait to get to that one spot in this chapter where I go yess... YESS!!!! HAHAHA YESSSS #wish u the same for ur art endeavour. if ur art endeavour doesnt have something like that u should add it. my message to da world

[parallaxabomination]

my brain is so full of stress it might explode. but ill do my best to keep putting out my best and stay kind to myself and others. but man, is it hard

#i wish i had something for myself rn #but i come home so exhausted i cant even focus on art #everything has been burning me so thin #i keep talking down my own art now. i keep refunding clients. i honestly want to give up on everything #people tell me i do a good job but i dont see it. i dont see an artist whos worth anything right now. #i dont know if thats a phrase #i have a early morning shift tomorrow and i cant fall asleep #i want to just rest but im so restless #i dont want to put pressure on anyone besides myself bc i feel like a huge burden #if i do so #everyone else should be having a good time #so i feel like a bummer to take up their emotional space and time #i appreciate the kindness people have shown me recently #i know i work hard. but im still so broken over everything #i just havent felt like an artist since it happend #he left a bigger scar on my ego than i thought it would #and every time i voice it i feel someone is out to end me for it #but at the same time i feel completely unnoticed and unheard #i dont expect anyone to see me as me #i just feel this lump in my throat now. this weight on my hand #they say kind things but im so hurt inside i dont see it as truth right now. i dont see anything worth admiring #they say such sweet things and i want to accept them so bad because my heart needs it #but i cant help but feel the words die as they reach my ears. im just too hurt i cant see it #i cant see the truth in my work all i see is someone else's desire in their commission #as long as they are happy. as long as they are satisfied #thats all that matters #i dont feel important enough to be apart of the process anymore #i dont feel worthy as a person or artist #i just feel less than nothing and that no one will care

[eliseinmemphis]

happy birthday, elvis 🤍

im so lucky to be able to share this day with you

#elvis presley #elvis #elvis the king #happy birthday my angel #i have so many feelings and thoughts but i just cant put them into words rn #today just means a lot to me on so many fronts

[narwhalandchill]

started watching dark im half an ep in and i feel like someones stuck a spoon in my brain and is just fucking swirling it around like its soup. What the hell is going on whats going to happen my neurons are firing so fast rn and i have such an ominous fucking feeling like my skin is lowkey crawling . What

#IN A GOOD WAY THO. #also my german teacher would be so proud of me rn. actually i wonder if i put on german subtitles if id be able to keep up. hmmm #but like genuinely i cant put this feeling to words properly. its like im watching absolutely masterful fucking foreshadowing #with absolutely no context of what any of it is the setup for . but its just completely gripping me #like i dont understand What im witnessing the disconnected pieces of . but its soooooooo. scrumptious #i dont remember when a show has ever got me feeling like this?????????????????? #but also i dont watch much shows lmao i woyldnt know shit #rambles

[mudskip-muses]

bad news under the cut

Hey so one of my younger cousins just passed away in a car accident like we just got the call so I'm probably going to be sporadically poofing or manically tied to my blogs as a distraction so just. bear with me for a bit

#cant even put into words how much anger im filled with #not at anyone in particular im just fucking Mad #i wanna kick the shit outta something so fucking bad i got steel toe boots i could do it with no damage done to me #im just #tired #and numb #first my grandma on my birthday in may and now this #kid was only 19 he Just finished school and got a good job #i grew up with him and rn it doesnt feel real because im over 400 miles away #god reality is gonna hit like a fucking brick.... #car crash tw #death tw #vent #ooc #im gonna be putting this on all my blogs so sorry for anyone who follows more than one

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

i think the hardest part of writing this ttid chapter is trying to balance out describing all the physical effects of jet's death with the emotional progression of the story. like i want to make all his obvious symptoms and changes and disabilities and struggles clear because theres a LOT hes dealing with and adjusting to, but at the same time this chapter is from partys pov and so a lot of it focuses on how theyre perceiving jet as he struggles and readjusts and heals. and its a really delicate balance ive gotta strike between descriptions and internal dialogue/introspection here bc i dont want chunks of the chapter to just be Listening Everything "Wrong" With Jet, but at the same time it cant just all be party freaking out and wallowing because there is a Point to this chapter that cant just be jumped into but also can't take tooo long to get to and i just.

its very much a chapter that needs to be written in chunks because i need to be in the write headspace to strike the right balance for all the different scenes i have planned. its taking forever because the writing mood for one chunk doesnt exactly translate well into the others

#my writing #ttid #this is the shit id put in the dvd commentary if ttid was a movie but i Cant so im Saying Words Here #i love talking about my writing process bc analyzing the way i write makes me feel less like a talentless hack when im struggling lmao #lile no actually i AM a good writer and i DO know what im doing. the words just arent wording rn <3

[transdelgado]

.

#i am so low rn…… #feeling bad because i cant put together words to express whats wrong #my poor bf is worried trying to help but i just cant get it out #i want to cry but i cant. i want to sleep but i cant #what do i even do lol

[dallonwrites]

chapter i finished last night is 7.8k.....working on finishing the next chapter which has all but one scene written....and the last scene is high action + extremely important to the inciting incident....lots of dialogue....and this chapter is already at 8.8k. like be SOOOO serious

#one chapter of the apocalypse novel is longer than the current word counts for my litfic drafts LMAOOOOO #like it doesnt matter but its sooo funny to me. THIS IS NOT HOW ALL MY OTHER NOVELS LOOK! #i think im going to surgically remove a lot of the internal thought and put them into the next set of chapters (i split them into sets of 3 #bc 3 pov characters) because like...how necessary is it for the start #necessary for me rn to get a feel for these parts of the story but omggg cant wait to see these chapters with all the meat cut off #i think the overwriting is a sign of me having fun though LIKE! my ass is IMMERSED in these scenes!

[timehascomeagain]

I want my life to consist of more than alcohol and work. Is my problem personally

#i feel so weirdly hollow rn like i had a nice night w my friends but theres just something there #like i don't love where i work but i dont have to suffer through it ?? i literally just fucking dont #but idk how or when or why to leave but i really want to. i am tired of the bullshit!!! #idfk today was so weird i cant even start to put it into words and i kind of have a stomachache #theres this whole entire world in front of me and what? im making myself feel like im stuck in the same place irrevocably? #i feel so anxious and so stressed about my shift tmrw and it just doesnt matter at all. it doesn't #and i dont want to feel like it does!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Dieys af..