#i couldnt help myself so i formatted it for tumblr....

[sanjifucker42069]

OPLA!Sanji x Reader - Blowin'

Word Count: 4.6k

I cut down some of the less, y’know, important stuff (the plot lol)

Warnings: oral sex (m!receiving), fem!reader, awkward first times, awkward af, the reader is a dipshit. I’m ngl this isn’t one of those cute first time fics where virgin!reader is suddenly a sex goddess, you are legitimately an idiot. As usual, written with a plus size!reader in mind.

Sanji finds out you’re a virgin. You suck his dick. Congrats!

Sanji was going to fucking lose it. Out of all the possible scenarios Sanji never once considered Nami would take you out to a bar to pick up guys. He brooded as he nursed his drink, Zoro rolling his eyes at the display. Sanji just growled. Usopp looked between them.

"How about another round? 'Nother milk Lu? Hey Sanji, why don't you come with me? I saw some hot chicks up at the bar."

Sanji just shook his head brooding. He looked to where you stood with Nami, laughing at some guy's jokes. He felt stupid at how jealous he felt.

"Hey, Sanj, man. Nami isn't gonna reciprocate y'know?" Usopp offered lightheartedly. Zoro scoffed from next to him. 

"It's not about Nami for once."

---

When Sanji's eyes found you again he saw you alone with the same guy, nursing a drink. Now that Nami was gone he could see the atmosphere had changed, you didn't seem happy like before. He watched as the guy said something and you shrugged halfheartedly. The guy then proceeded to wrap his arm around you. Sanji had known you long enough to see how uncomfortable you looked. Anger flared in his chest. The final straw was seeing the guy trying to tug you out of the booth to leave. You looked so defeated, it hurt. He began stalking his way to your booth.

"C'mon sweetcheeks, let's leave this dump."

"I'm good thanks, I should get back to my friends."

"I already told you bitch, we're going. I didn't spend all this time fucking around to go home empty handed. You're lucky I even stayed once your hot friend left. I'm doing you a favour, so hurry the fuck up."

"No, I really don't want to." You began, the man snarled, grabbing your wrist.

"It wasn't a question. You owe me. I don't go for ugly, but a hole's a hole, and from the back you're probably passable."

You had tears in your eyes from embarrassment. This whole trip was a bad idea. You wish Nami would come back. As the man tugged on your wrist harder you heard that gorgeous voice ring out. You tried to hide your face so Sanji wouldn't see the tears in your eyes. That last thing you wanted was for the crew to think you're weak.

"That's no way to win hearts Sunshine. So uncouth, and frankly, disgusting behaviour."

"Who the fuck are you? How about you mind your own business?"

"And watch such a beautiful lady be treated that way?"

"Beautiful lady my ass. The only thing you can know for sure about girls like this is that their pretty pussy is untouched." The man barked out a laugh causing you to wince. He snaked his other arm to cup your breast over your dress. You saw something flash in Sanji's eyes. "And I know I'm gonna really enjoy these."  

You squirmed, before biting the man. He howled in pain, releasing his hold on you. You quickly made your escape, rushing to cling to Usopp and Luffy, crying. You felt pathetic. Embarrassed that all eyes were on you.

Sanji saw red. You blinked back tears as you called out to him. Sanji was protective of all of you, but he seemed especially so of you. You knew it was because he saw you as some kind of little sister. "It's okay Sanji. Really, let's just go home. Please."

"No." He fixed the drunk man with a freezing gaze. "You dare touch someone so out of your league? I asked you nicely to piss off, but now I'm going to fucking kill you."

Before you could react Sanji had kicked the man in the chest. You watched as he began ruthlessly kicking and stomping the man, muttering profanities and sentences you couldn't understand. With a final stomp he huffed. Zoro finally pried Sanji away. You saw Nami returning, fuming. If you weren't so traumatised by the night you would have laughed at how Zoro pried Nami away too, holding the two brawlers by the scruff as they fought against it, looking like wet cats.

You don't remember how you got home. You remember Usopp covering you in his coat and dragging you out of the bar. You remember apologising to Usopp, crying that you needed to go back. The last thing you remember was Luffy running to join you, scooping you up and starting the walk back to the Going Merry, you, falling asleep in his rubbery arms.

---

"Ah my dear, you're finally awake. I made you something to eat."

You smiled tightly at him, thanking him. The way you played with your food tugged at his heartstrings. You looked so mournful. He pulled up a chair, sitting backwards on it, gripping the backrest. 

"C'mon lovely, don't make me have to feed you myself." He winked. Your lips twitched upwards performatively. Sanji frowned. "Look (name) about last night-"

"I'm sorry."

Confusion. "What?"

You cringed inward. "I'm....I'm sorry I ruined everyone's night."

"You didn't ruin anyone's night, that good for nothing prick did. Don't understand why you'd even go for a guy like that to be honest." He added bitterly. You frowned.

"I wouldn't normally. Everything moved so fast. He seemed nice...It was too late before I realised it's because he wanted Nami." Silence. "Once Nami left, I, well, I didn't want to cause a scene."

"So, what? You were just going to let him take advantage of you?"

You jolted, shocked. "No! No, I- there was no way he was going to-” 

“(Name), love, I know you can be a bit naive but-”

Your voice was small. “He said so himself! He..." you trailed off. "He didn't 'go for ugly girls'. And besides…he was right."

Sanji frowned, angry at the world. How could anyone make you believe that you weren't beautiful? That you didn't deserve some guy trying to take advantage of you? He took a deep breath, steadying his resolve

“There's no such thing as an ugly girl (name), and if there was, I can assure you you're not one of them.”

“Not that.” Sanji took in how you winced, trying to make yourself seem smaller.

What?

Sanji felt the wind knocked out of him.

You're a virgin?" He asked, clearly shocked. You bristled with embarrassment.

"Well...yeah, but I understand how it works! It's not such a big deal, I mean...I've just, I've never had the chance."

"Have you ever...y'know, at all? Not even a handy?" You shook your head. He flushed, you were completely pure.

He felt slightly sick at how his perverted thoughts twisted that. He could be your first, ruin you for all other partners. He could be the one to take your innocence. His cock twitched at the thought. Shame flooded him. You were his friend, his, admittedly, very cute friend. He shouldn't be thinking about you this way. His mind was racing with all the obscene thoughts he'd ever had, the deviant things he dreamed of. He was disgusting. You were too innocent, he'd felt guilty before, but now he felt like he was defiling you just by thinking about you.

You took his silence as pity and pointedly looked away from him, taking a deep breath.

"It's not like I don't want to. I do. But, ugh, it's so silly...no one has ever shown any interest. I'm not exactly a goddess like Nami."

"Darling, I don't believe no one has ever shown interest." He offered a smile. Gods if you only knew how badly he ached for you. How hard you made him. Now wasn't the time for him to blow your friendship over him thinking with his dick. You were being vulnerable.

"I don't need your pity Sanji. It's okay. You don't have to give me the 'everyone's beautiful in their own way' speech. There's more to me than my lack of experience! I'm a good fighter! I have talents, I don't need to be pretty. Just, sometimes, it'd be nice.". 

This wouldn't do. He had to try to fix this. He took your small hands in his, trying not to lose his breath at how warm they felt. Swinging them lightly, he stared into your eyes.

“You are a beautiful girl, you deserve way better than some kind of bastard like that. Men are pigs (name), you shouldn't trust any of them."

"I trust you."

Sanji froze. You peaked up at him shyly. He looked conflicted, and that caused you to smile sadly, misinterpreting the look. You withdrew your hands, fiddling with them in your lap. "I didn't mean that you should take one for the team Ji, I just meant that, well, I trust you. I don't think you're a pig."

"You shouldn't trust me." He lowered his voice. You stared at him, clearly taken aback. "I'm just as bad."

"No, you-"

"No. I'm an absolute pig darling. You aren't that dense surely."

You frowned. "Sure you flirt a lot with other girls, but that's just you! It's charming, non-threatening. I don't see you acting like-"

"I flirt with you too!" He tried, clearly exasperated. You smiled.

"Exactly! You make cute comments to me, and call me cute things like darling, but you're just naturally flirty."

Sanji groaned. Your smile slowly faltered. Sanji screwed his eyes shut. "I'm not 'just naturally flirty'...I mean, I am, I suppose, but I'm actually trying to flirt with you. I thought you were just being polite, but are you really that dense?"

"I....you are?"

"Are you kidding me?!"

"But, I'm..." You gestured to yourself. "You're more friendly than flirty to me?" 

"You're too innocent, it's not like I could just waltz right up and tell you that I think you're hot, can I?" He bristled. 

You felt electricity surge down your spine. Hot? Sanji thought you were hot? Sanji? 

Sanji took your silence as disgust. "See! That's exactly why I couldn't tell you."

"You think I'm hot?" He nodded. Your grin spread, hurting your blushing cheeks. Your eyes sparkling. "You think I'M hot?!"

"Yes, okay!" He sounded almost angry.

"Sanji, you're gorgeous! I'm too awkward. Too fat. Too plain. I'm not a model or some kind of beauty. And you're telling me someone as handsome as you, thinks I'm attractive!? And I-"

You stopped, really thinking about what he said. "Innocent? I....well I suppose. I'm not that innocent though."

Sanji's nostrils flared. "Not that innocent? Please love! You prance around in those low-cut tops and shorts in front of everyone, thinking that they ain't gonna go ballistic? You're too trusting of men, thinking that we aren't all beasts inside."

You laughed, still riding the high of his praise. Sanji snarled, banging his fist on the kitchen table. "No! It's true. You think someone doesn't see the way your tits look and salivate? You don't think you would make anyone insane? You don't think I got so fucking hard when you told me you're a virgin?"

He froze, blood turning to ice, clearly regretting blurting out that last bit. You stared at him, eyes round with wonder. He avoided your gaze, cringing at what you said next.

"I...I make you hard?".

"I'm sorry (name), that was very ungentlemanly of me. I didn't mean to say that last part." 

"But you did." He felt warm hands prying his open and playing with his fingers. He flitted his eyes up to see your face red, staring at him with your eyes practically sparkling with mirth. "God, I've wanted you to fuck me for ages, and now you're telling me you've actually wanted to this whole time?"

Sanji stiffened, cock twitching. He ached painfully. He felt parched, throat burning. This had to be a joke. "You...what?"

"Yeah. Fuck. I, mean, the clothing was purposeful at first, I wanted you to notice me. I had no idea it was working though, haha!"

"WHAT!?"

"Yeah, I thought you knew? You never noticed I only wore those kinds of clothes when you were around? You never noticed how I tried to cling to you in the kitchen? I just assumed you knew and thought I was gross, so I pulled back." You laughed. "Did you seriously think that because I'm a virgin I can't think sexually?"

"But you've never-"

"You've never said anything raunchy to me like you do to other girls. I thought you saw me as a little sister. It'd be weird if someone you saw like family told you they want to suck your dick."

"Fuck." He hissed. 

"Oh this is too good! Have I been torturing you?" You laughed, running a hand up his arm. "You must be so frustrated."

"You have no idea." 

"I could help you." 

Sanji groaned. "You can't say things like that."

"Oh." You pulled back, back to being timid. Even if it was at his expense, Sanji felt the loss of your confident persona. Fuck he really was a masochist, wasn't he? "I, um, I'd need you to guide me. But if you did want help, I'd like to be the one."

"God, you have no idea what you're doing to me." He heard you giggle lightly. He opened his eyes to see you biting your lip, staring up at him through thick lashes, a blush adorning your chubby cheeks. He throbbed.

"You could show me? I promise I'll be gentle! Please Sanji? Can I pretty please touch your dick?"

Sanji felt like he was going to explode from how cute you were. 

"Fuck. Please."

You squealed in excitement, jumping up from the table, both his arms in hand. He wanted to laugh at how innocent you looked, but instead he felt a lump in his throat. You didn't notice, pulling the seated man into an awkward, crushing hug.

"C'mon! C'mon what are you waiting for? Let's go!" 

"Go where?" He laughed at your eagerness. "In case you haven't noticed darling, we aren't exactly alone."

The way you deflated was comical. What wasn't was the wicked glint that formed in your eyes. Sanji gulped, that was never a good sign. He watched as you quickly dashed out of the kitchen. Sanji looked around, confused. Minutes passed. He got up from the table, moving over to the kitchen island, hiding his lower half behind the counter, lest one of the crew wandered in. He sighed, willing his boner away. 

Bang!

The door flew open. Sanji jumped. There you stood frantically in the doorway. Your hair a mess, breathing heavy, and that wicked glint set on him. He watched as you closed the kitchen door, taking a chair and boarding the door. You grinned, stalking towards him.

No. There's no way.

"We aren't going to be disturbed." You were practically vibrating in excitement.

"What? No. Not in the kitchen. We. Eat. Here." Sanji hissed. You peeked up at him, lip pouting. 

"Please? I'll make sure there's no mess left." You pleaded. 

No mess? Sanji closed his eyes and groaned when he realised what you meant. You were going to be the death of him. When he opened his eyes you were in front of him, staring at him shyly. He startled.

"Can I kiss you? Or is that too far?"

Too far? He wanted to cry. You really had no idea what you were doing to him. He bent down. You grinned. He wrapped an arm around the back of your head, pulling you closer. You tipped your head up. He smiled softly before placing his lips on top of yours.

Your lips locked together like the last piece of a puzzle. You sighed, eyes flitting closed. You pushed further against him, trying desperately to pull him closer. He tasted like cigarettes but you didn't mind, an addictive taste for an addictive man. You wanted more of him. You kissed him feverishly, reluctantly pulling back for air. You stared at the taller man through lidded eyes. He gazed down at you lovingly, a blush high on his cheeks. His blue eyes studied your face closely. 

Sanji laughed as with both hands you pulled his face back for another kiss. His skin was hot, your hands now cold against his cheeks. You tasted sweet and he wanted to devour you so badly. You were too cute. He felt you pull him closer to you. You were kissing and sucking at his lips before you felt it. Sanji bit back a groan, feeling your hips brush against him. He felt pure embarrassment as he heard your breath hitch, pulling away. He opened his mouth to protest but was cut off by a groan as you experimentally pushed your hips against him harder.

"Oh my gods." He heard you whisper against him. He froze. "Oh my gods it's so-"

"We can stop if it's too much dar-LING!"

He squeaked as he felt both your hands rake down his chest, you humming contently as you kept yourself pressed against him. He felt overwhelmed at how eager you were. He'd never had someone so upfront in wanting to touch him. His cocked throbbed. You mewled lightly, causing another throb.

"Oh my god it moves?" You giggled. He cracked a smile back. You were so innocent.

Sanji had made one crucial mistake though. That was thinking that just because you were inexperienced, that meant you would be submissive. He felt you cage him against the countertop, the wood digging into his ass, your hands on him. It wasn't that he didn't like it, the dissonance was making him dizzy. He felt your hands find purchase on his waist. You breathed out a dreamy sigh.

"God your waist is so fucking tiny."

Sanji bristled with embarrassment. He tried to address it without upsetting you. "Love, that's not exactly what I want to hear."

You giggled. "I can't help it, it's so hot. You could kick my ass if you wanted, but holy fuck you're just letting me feel you up. Gods I've seen you fight, I've seen how thick your legs are, but fuck your waist is so little."

Sanji hissed. He'd never experienced anything like this before. Your hands migrated upwards, resting on his pecs. Your slow pace was driving him insane.

"Can I?" You gestured to his shirt.

"Fuck, love, I'd love to, but maybe when we have somewhere more private okay? Don't want to be too unclothed if someone tries to come in. Same with you okay? Don't want anyone to see something so gorgeous." He smiled at you. You nodded your head, practically buzzing at the idea of this happening again. He winked at you. "You could take off something else though."

Sanji was shocked and delighted at how quickly you dropped to your knees. You began playing with his belt, figuring out how the clasp worked. Sanji scrunched his eyes shut. Fuck, you were so eager! He never would’ve expected it to go like this. Despite your eagerness you were so gentle, as if you were afraid of touching him. He was going to prompt you, but instead you softly pulled his zipper down and began drawing the fabric down till it sat mid thigh.

Oh, fuck. There he was, huh?

You looked at his clothed cock, studying It like it was some kind of strange bug. You wanted to laugh at the comparison. Above you Sanji was flushed, embarrassed by your staring. You ran a finger over the bulge. He hissed, his dick jumping lightly. You couldn't help the giggle that bubbled out of your throat. 

"What?"

"It's so cute the way it jumps."

"Maybe this was a mistake."

"No no no! I promise I'll be good. Can I, um... do I?"

"Just...hah...do what you think is right. I'll...correct you."

Sanji let out an undignified squeak as he felt you lightly grab the clothed bulge. You massaged it, feeling what you could, watching with curiosity how the man above you writhed. Exploratively, you moved your hand further back, cupping his balls through the fabric. The friction of the fabric against bare skin was pure torture.

"Oh shit!" Sanji whined. You withdraw your hand like it burnt. "That's, god, that's really sensitive okay? You're killing me sweetheart."

"Sorry." You mumbled, placing a kiss to his bare thigh. The "strange bug" jumped again. You began peppering more kisses to his thigh. Once you reached the inside of his thigh you breathed deeply, he smelt musky, it made your mouth water. Experimentally, you licked the inside of his thigh. Sanji's thigh tensed. You licked upwards in long stripes until you reached the leg of his underwear. You gave a quick moment of hesitation before you blew air over the bulge. Sanji hissed. Smiling, you placed a kiss directly over the top of his bulge. 

"Did you just kiss my dick?"

"Mmhmm. Watch, I'll do it again." You placed an open mouth wet kiss over Sanji's clothed cock. The man above you threw his head back, whining softly. The fabric was dampened with a mix of your spit and something else. You saw how taut the fabric had become. You cooed. "That looks like it hurts." 

Sanji nodded. You looked up at him.

"Can I take them off?"

He shuddered. "Fuck. Please (name)."

With curiosity you began dragging the wet underwear down his hips, settling them at his mid thigh. His musky scent overpowered you, and you watched with fascination as Sanji's cock slapped against his stomach. Looking up at him you saw how tight his eyes were scrunched, knuckles gripping the countertop. You noticed how he shivered lightly at the exposure. Sanji's cock stood, large, imposing, and leaking. You breathed out a curse. It looked gorgeous, just like him, long and lithe. His happy trail led to a neat little patch of dark hair. You salivated. Eyes drawing to your prize, you winced at how red and angry the head looked.

Sanji thought he was going to kill you when he felt you tap his cockhead like a microphone. Instead he bucked his hips away, humiliation colouring his face. "Stop that! I know you don't know what you're doing, but please use your brain dearest." 

You mumbled an apology before rubbing your hands together, trying to warm them. He watched as you wrapped a hand around his dick before moaning lowly. You studied him, absolutely enraptured, as you gave a test pump. The man above you crumbled. 

"Do you always get this way?"

"No." He panted.

"Just for me?" You tried sultry, trying to muster up some quote from a smutty novel you once read. Sanji peeked one eye open before groaning.

"No." His voice was strained, breathing heavy. You tried pumping him, but the rhythm was sloppy. "N-no. You're...it's a lot right now. I'm not used to it being this slow…or clumsy."

"Do you like it?" You looked up at him with wide eyes.

"Unfortunately." He muttered. With a burst of pride you tried pumping him harder. Sanji squealed, grabbing your hand. "Fuck (name), I really need you to spit in your hand. Th-that's painful."

"Oh...sorry." You offered. Sanji watched as you perversely spit in your hand, wrapping the digits back around his cock. You tried setting a rhythm, it was sloppy, but you focused on giving him consistent squeezing pressure. Sanji moaned lowly at the squeezing, hips rocking. 

Soon you reached a steady rhythm. You watched with bated breath before you slowed down. Sanji began to whine from the loss, only to keen loudly as he felt your lips enclose his cockhead. He began spluttering, eyes rolled backwards. He'd take anything right now, fuck he wanted to cum so bad. He sucked in a breath.

"No teeth, okay love?" 

You laughed, the vibrations tickling him in the best way. He moaned, trying desperately to not fuck your face. His eyes were so tightly scrunched.

You slowly forced yourself further down his length, squeezing the base. Sanji swore. You froze, taking a deep breath through your nose. When he didn't stop you, you continued your devotion. 

"Ack!" You choked, throat burning. You felt Sanji's hand patting your head. You retreated off him, coughing.

"Darling don't take more than you can okay. We don't want you to choke now."

You gazed up at him, eyes wet and throat hoarse. "Let me try again!" 

Your raspy voice made Sanji quiver, but the way you looked up at him, absolutely wrecked, made him burn. As quickly as he noticed it, it ended, and you unceremoniously inhaled his cock. He could feel you try to smile. 

"Fuck!" His voice was high as you sucked hard, adding your tongue to flatten against the underside of his cock. "(Name)! Baby, fuck, I-"

"Hey why won't the door open?" Zoro's voice rang through the wood. Sanji stilled, holding your head. The two of you looked at each other frozen. Sanji tried clearing his throat. 

"If you keep making noise out there, I'm gonna explode, Mosshead!"

You snorted, trying hard to not laugh. 'Yeah you're gonna explode,' you inwardly snickered. 

"Whatever shitty waiter." 

Silence. Sanji looked down at you. "Darling, maybe we should stop. It's okay, we can try again another day." He froze at the frustrated look that overtook your features. "Fuck." He whispered.

You sucked harshly causing Sanji to bite his hand hard to avoid screaming. He felt you try swallowing, watched as tears pricked your eyes. You didn't slow down on your work, sucking harshly and hands wandering. You grabbed a fistful of his asscheek, other hand tracing circles on his inner thigh. You felt him tensing, quivering. His hand reached for your neck, trying to coax you off. He was so close.

"Oh god!" Sanji gasped. "Baby I'm gonna cum, you need to hop off-AH!" 

You sucked harder, milking the man through his orgasm. It was like music the way he spluttered and grabbed the back of your head, nails scratching your scalp. You felt hot, thick liquid painting your throat. It wasn't pleasant, but fuck his reactions were. Some dribbled out of the corner of your mouth and Sanji wiped it away with a thumb, a fucked out expression on his features. He pulled his softened cock out of your mouth, and watched, breathless as you swallowed his seed. You made a grimace afterwards causing the man to laugh.

"Was it okay?" You asked, shyness taking over you. 

"You're lucky I don't mind a bit of torture. It was good for a first try." He gave you that flirty grin and a wink. "I think you need more practice though."

You laughed, outstretching a hand so he could help you up. You tried stretching your legs, noting the numb pain in your knees. You wrapped your arms around his middle. "Was I that bad?"

Sanji pulled his underwear and pants back up, zipping his pants closed. He pulled you closer. "Nah, you're just something else entirely. Silly." Kiss. "Torturous." Kiss. "And I am smitten with you."

"We've wasted enough time, better get back to it." You smiled against his lips. 

"I'd love to pay you back."

"Later loverboy, we're gonna have the whole crew in here soon if we don't hurry."

"I'm so glad there's a later."

You winked, straightening your clothes and heading for the door. You stopped, turning to stare at the man.

"For you baby? Always. Oh, can you make souffle?"

"What? Why?"

"I told the guys we were making a souffle and needed the kitchen completely silent."

Sanji laughed. You definitely kept him on his toes.

-----------

I'm not going to lie, some of this is coloured by my first time hahaha! I am an incredibly awkward person, and yes I did also once tell a guy how cute I thought it was when dicks jump. He also told me I was fucked for that ha!

#sanji x reader #opla sanji x reader #black leg sanji x reader #opla x reader #one piece x reader #smut #one piece smut #vinsmoke sanji x reader #bro i HATE calling him vinsmoke #i couldnt help myself so i formatted it for tumblr.... #this was like one of the first sanji things i ever wrote...... #other than like this sex pollen fic that i also never posted lmao #:)))) anyway.......... #i love virgin fics as much as the next guy.....but if it was anything like my first time giving a bj.....its so not glamorous lol #tmi af: i mean.....dont get me wrong ive technically never had p in v i have bad vaginismus but girl.......

[spikeinthepunch]

i made a post a bit ago before the reddit black out even happened, talking about how many AI written articles i find when searching for answers on stuff- usually things a little more specific (questions for video games, tech, everyday things but more specific to you, etc. not just "what city is this state in"). its bad- i basically get that or i get reddit threads when i google. and before the reddit black out, i hadnt thought too much about how those AI threads would be.... the only thing left behind if i didnt have reddit. still i watched the reddit black out live, i watched /r/funny go private at midnight. and yet it didnt really hit the importance of reddit until i went on the next day looking for help on a mac laptop i was restoring and realized all the reddits i checked were private. needing mod help for my server, all private. searching reddit for a game i couldnt remember, private.

theres a lot on the internet that needs to be preserved, kept alive, kept relevant. over and over i see people reminisce on old forums and how theyre gone and be brought back- and i think no ones follows through with the format because places like reddit at least fulfill that to some extent. staying with the mainstream is easier and its understandable, bc its relevant and trying to start up your little forum and advertise it isnt easy. Reddit being mainstream becomes the useful google option for a niche forum subject without being a lone forum you probably wont find in typical google search.

and now Reddit isn't available. the most mainstream iteration of those lovely little forums of discussion and support is not available. does it hit now? does it sink in now how bad this is? the past year- maybe even less than a year- has been so so chaotic and bad for the internet. instagram starting turning into tiktok a while back with its changes to feed and format. youtube has slowly followed suit with forcing short's as more relevant for creators than normal videos. twitter did... well, all of That, a lot of Things. Reddit goes along to make their API paid for. Discord turning to the methods on social media, with username changes and more. tumblr is also shifting so much of their entire deal, i think you should all be prepared for tumblr to become unrecognizable too because theres many hints of it happening- some already here.

when i made my personal website over a year ago, it was partially fun but it was a statement for myself too. it was recognition that social media had become unhealthy for me, and i didnt like how it was The thing that existed now, and that bigs corps suddenly taking more and more control of the web was bad and not something i wanted to be stuck with. but suddenly its not just a gentle step to the side i have taken, still knowing i can be on social media to see my friends and build an audience. but now it feels more like all the walls are crumbling around me, and soon i will have no choice but to jump ship entirely. i went from one, to the other, to tumblr where i had always been- the one site that stuck out from the others at least. had an 'old' format. in many ways you need social media.... because its how you made your friends, its how you stay in touch, its how communities get built these days!!

we can try to move back to the independent, the personal sites, the forums, but we all know its not easy. thats truth. its not going to spread as far as we'd hope, many will not follow suit or not know they can. i can only imagine all the old, tech unaware people who will continue to use the internet, never realizing why they struggle to get info or unknowingly follow nonsense AI articles, and have no idea that anything exists outside of the bubble theyre forced into. Not even the old people, but the young generations that will grow into that too and not get out of it.

im just waiting for the mainstream internet to just become entirely unusable from our perspective and its dreadful to me. trying not to be a doomer but i dont think its something you cant ignore when something as simple as googling slightly more specific questions brings nothing but AI nonsense articles or reddit posts and when one of those massive and only relevant sources is down, there is suddenly nothing.

[divorcetual]

[ID: First, a tumblr conversation. The name is blocked out for one and the other is bluehairandpronouns-tournament. It reads

Blocked user: My comments keep getting eaten so would you include image descriptions? or start doing it?

Bluehairandpronouns: no. I've said it before I cant make image descriptions because i'm visually impared and vant make them for characters I don't know. If you would like to make them for the posts thats okay, but I myself cannot do that. I also can't add them to posts afterwards bevause tumblr doesnt allow you to edit polls

Blocked user: So you're posting images despite not being able to describe them

Bluehairandpronouns: Yes. I said im visually impared not blind. I gave you the option to help be describe them them if it bothered you that much and you're clearly not interested in it, so I'll have to end this conversation here.

Second is an image of Sasuke Uchiha looking at the camera, his sharingan activated. He holds a sword /End ID]

Sasuke for formatting ughhh this persons been in my notes for dayssss I blocked them on my main so they couldnt comment anymore (its a bit more work to block on sideblogs and I couldnt use the computer at the time but it does prevent them from commenting on posts) and i'd hoped it would get rid of them but they messaged me 2day.

Blehhh i understand asking for IDs thats totally understandable, but if ur gonna harrass someone for havung the Audacity to say they cant make 128 IDs for characters they dont know bcs theyre visually impared AND not take them up on the offer to ID for them idk what u want!!! literally those are ur two options

#srry a little vent-y its just like. what do you want man #they continied messaging after this until I finally got my computer n blocked them :/ #like its not that I dont want to post IDs whenever I can do do strain myself bcs ik how important they are but like #i cant do it w/ so many images at once #“ik I acted harshly on this but theyd been on this for multiple days i was just. fed up atp”

[mariaiscrafting]

yo i saw your post to canon about gender studies and stuff and i ran out of asks ages ago so I couldnt send this until now, but feel free to go off about gender and stuff, i would love to hear it- maybe tag me in it if you do? - evilglitter (canon's canonical spouse)

Heya, @evilglitter! Lol yeah, I saw canon’s reply and I was just gonna ask, like, what exactly y’all would like me to go off about. It was kinda an open-ended sorta reply where I can really talk about anything y’all are interested in/questioning about, I guess.

If y’all don’t have any specifics you wanna know about for now, that’s cool, too, I can go off about what’s been bothering me lately and helping me along my own journey to pin point my gender identity. 

The first thing my brain’s been hung up on is the difference between gender identity & expression. So, just as people say pronouns /=/ gender, I’m of the belief that expression /=/ gender, either. To explain this to people and better-conceptualize it myself, I always return to the kind of example this trans lady on Youtube (Contrapoints) goes back to. She brings up various examples of people who wear makeup: First, there is a cisgender man who might be mistaken as a woman when he wears feminizing makeup but is still a man nonetheless, whether wearing makeup or not. Then there’s a cisgender man who uses he/him pronouns when out of drag but she/her pronouns and a female name when in it, but still identifies as a man in and out of drag, almost like he’s playing a character. There are non-binary, genderfluid people who will identify as men and use he/him pronouns out of drag, while identifying as women and using she/her pronouns in drag; they identify themselves as women and men depending on their expression. And there are transgender women who identify as women in and out of drag, regardless of their expression. I’m not sure if I’m articulating this example too well - it’s much better-articulated in video format, I think - but that’s basically how I see gender identity and expression. They are two separate things that draw from each other and might have links to each other, depending on each individual’s view on their own gender, but don’t have to match at all. Butch lesbians can have a more masculine gender expression, and yet identify as cisgender women. Transmasc people can also have a masculine gender expression, and yet identify as trans men, non-binary, or anything else. Gender identity does not have to equate with expression, and that’s a really difficult box that I’ve had to learn to break out of, for my own sake, and through the gen & sexuality studies I’ve been doing at uni. Like, as a presumed cis woman my whole life, I’ve just assumed that to be perceived as a woman, I need to express myself femininely, and that if I fit into that feminine gender expression, I do not deviate from the identity of a woman. But lately I’ve been grappling with the idea that maybe I don’t identify as much as a woman as I once thought, that when I look inside myself and question the role I want to fit into in society, how I want my peers and colleagues to treat me, and my own characteristics/tendencies, I might not be as binary a woman as I always was taught to believe, and none of these things are affected by the fact that I’m curvy or wear skirts and heels or wear makeup; I can be as feminine or as masculine as I like, but to me, those do not equate my gender, and it’s okay if they don’t.

Lol the other thing I’d like to rant about for now is different theories of gender. First, I’d like to say that I’m by no means an expert. I’m literally just some second-year G&S minor who’s watched a lot of videos from trans people, learned a lot from Tumblr over the past 7-8 years, and read a couple texts here and there. I don’t know nearly as much as I’d like to pretend, but I’ll give my take on what I do know a little about. There are lots of different theories on what exactly gender is that overlap and contradict each other, at times. There’s the biological perspective that I’m sure we’re all familiar with - the belief that gender = your sex assignment. The problems with this theory are obvious, in that it doesn’t account for intersex people/people with chromosomal/hormonal discrepancies, or binary transgender people. Basically, the theory that XY = man and XX = woman is pretty... antiquated and flawed, imo. Then there’s the theory that gender is a bunch of performances, which I think came from Judith Butler, this well-known 2nd Wave feminist. This theory basically states that gender is this, like, specific, stylized series of actions that we perform everyday to fit into what our society’s roles for our genders are. Butler would probably disagree with me about expression versus identity, because to her, gender identity doesn’t go beyond the performance of one’s own gender. Basically, what we perform everyday, whether it be to act feminine, masculine, or androgynously, is telling of what our gender identity is. If we perform the actions of being a woman, then we are a woman, etc. Finally - and I’m sure there are many more theories on gender, but these are three I’m most familiar with - there’s the theory I personally most agree with - gender as a social construct. This is the idea that gender is constructed by societies, that gender roles are imposed onto us from the external, and that we are then socialized into whatever gender. I don’t totally agree with this theory because I do believe that gender goes beyond just the social roles we try to adhere to to fit into society, and the socialization we undergo from childhood; I do believe there is something at least a little innate about one’s own gender identity. The road social construct theory goes down is this one where, if we created a society free of hierarchies and gender roles and such, gender would cease to exist, which... is that true, I don’t really know. But I do think that gender is at least somewhat of a construct that society first created because it was useful for the creation of an efficient society, but is now just used to justify oppression, and that beyond that, gender as it functions in society is just this illusion that we could 100% do without if we want to obtain equality or whatever.

But anyways, lol I dunno if any of what I’ve just ranted about makes sense or is what y’all were looking for, and honestly at this point, I’m just using this as an opening for me to rant about something I’ve had bottled up for quite a while. I apologize for not being totally coherent since I’m not very experienced in actually talking about gender theory. If y’all want to chat about something specific, feel free to ask anything. :) Hope your journey to figure out your gender goes well, @canonurl

#asks #gender #gender identity #not mcyt #idek what this ask turned into lmfao #Anonymous #canonurl

[storiessomeoneshouldwrite]

@charles-bear I’ve proofed your work, everything original is bold except formatting and spellcheck things that I let word fix for me. Everything I added is in italics, and the things i added in parenthesis are just my thoughts. Also, sorry if I change too much! Feel free to message me if you have any questions!

I’m putting this under a read more because it’s a little wordy!

Ebeth (not finished yet but tumblr is being a pain in the ass fml)

Prologue

The taste of vomit sticks in my mouth like glue. It takes so much to keep my hands clenched around the cold railing, I was so lightheaded I felt as if I could collapse at any moment. The grey mess of the sky was shaking with the crashing waves of the ocean. I couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began. With each second the ship shook worse underneath me and worse as they went on. I could feel every drop of water running down my face, my back, the moisture coating my hands, cold trails working their its way under my palms. My whole body rocked with the ship, my hands clutching the rails as tight as my body would let me. and Yet, the air was still knocked out of my lungs chest as my back was pounded against hit the water, a single bubble escaping as my lips as I went under. 

Chapter One

The colors of sunset stewed blossomed on the edge of the horizon, tainting the clouds above.

Where am I?

I could feel the soft touch of grass between my fingers and rub against my palms. The sting of cold water immersing my trousers around my feet and legs.

What is this place?

I hear what I assumed must be animals, but it was unlike any I had ever heard. I lifted myself stumbled to my feet and took in my surroundings. There were trees everywhere, somewhat resembling almost reminiscent of redwoods, but larger and with what appeared to be hollow trunks. One could almost live in them, they were so large. I looked back at the lake where I had woken. My dress shirt was covered in dirt, my pants soaked through with mud and water.

A quick glance at my reflection in the water gives me a rough idea of my appearance. My eyes could almost blended into the pure blue water, and my hair was as pale and yellow as the flowers blooming on the water’s edge. It’s getting dark, I should need to find some shelter. The canopy of leaves would protect me if it were to rain, but in this strange place, a little water is the least of my problems in this strange place. Any kind of animals could be lurking in beyond the shadows of the large trees… 

I walked between the trees, looking for some kind of human life, someone—something—that could help me. It seemed impossible in this isolated forest. But I needed to find some way to protect myself from the wildlife too. Night was creeping closer with each passing second. There were so many trees, everything each step looked appeared the same, like a maze. The blue sky began to yield to a darker color and it began to wield stars; the moonlight touching the earth ever so slightly. I need to get out of here, now.

Then Just as I was about to turn back, I felt it, the strong pressure of compacted dirt and gravel pushing against my feet, there was a path leading through the trees. It looked well worn, perhaps this will would lead me to a town. I started down the path, I had and got the feeling that eyes were watching me, but a quick glance around told me that there was no one in sight. I continued as quickly as I could dared, trying not to without drawing unneeded attention, who knows what kind of creatures may be here. The stars had begun to consume the sky, each step I took felt like it echoed for miles in the silence of the night. 

The further I went, the more extraordinary and terrifying everything seemed. Giant roots twisted and before diving beneath the earth, leaves swam throughout the canopy, beautiful plants freckled the lush grass. The wind brought the smell of damp wood and wildflowers that to fill my nostrils. The falling leaves softly kissed the ground all around me, just so that the wind could sweep them up again. This forest felt so utterly magical. Spider webs were ignited by the few slivers of moonlight that managed to breached the treetops, small creatures riddling the thicket. 

One of the creatures stopped just meters in front of me, it was so different from anything I’d ever had seen before; long serpentine body, thin tail, thick metallic scales glowing silver in the night. It had slender limbs accompanied by three digits for on each hand—foot—paw? Its tail carried an extension much like an arrowhead and fanlike wings rested on its back. Its eyes denied even a glimmer of light. Instead of ears, the strange creature had gaping holes on each side for hearing. Its head housed had two large frilled membranes, one on each side, framing its face. It darted for the edge of the trail as I moved closer. They appeared to live in the hollow of trees. 

I continued, one foot in front of the other. Whatever this place is, it’s far from normal, and I need to find a way to get out. I seemed to be walking on forever, how long could one path go? With every minute I was getting more weary exhausted, my eyes barely staying open. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on.

One foot in front of the other. One foot, then the next. One foo--oh no—I felt my balance shift. My foot slid across whatever I had stood stepped on, peircing the skin of my foot, knocking me to the ground. This is it, this is how it ends. I was too tired to even try to get up. I looked at the lights in front of me—wait, lights? I quickly tried standing to get to my feet, slipping a few times in the process. In front of me was  Before me stood a small building, its outer structure was made of whatever trees were in that the forest. It looked old but inviting nonetheless. 

As I walked through crossed the threshold I was greeted by a horrific scent and mixed with something familiar; the smell of alcohol. The man behind the bar had dark messy hair he and was cleaning glasses. Or rather, he was attempting to that is, they surely were not getting any cleaner with the raggedy cloth he rubbed through on them. The walls were covered in what appeared to be memorabilia, however they were covered in what one could only assume was decades of dust. There were few people residing in the building, all seemingly drunk.

I hurried towards the bar, grateful that I had finally found something I recognized in this strange place. I was in need to have of a word with the bartender. However my clumsiness got the best of me as I tripped and my hand quickly slid across the dusty bar top. Before I knew could stop it, the sound of glass shattering filled the room. as I had accidentally tipped another patron’s drink to the ground.

I began to retreat and apologize profusely apologize. After a few seconds however, it was clear that this man clearly wasn’t going to accept my apology. I understood From his muscular build and his towering height it was clear what was to come, yet I still was unprepared for what was to come the fist that met my abdomen. Before I knew it, my lower abdomen was in and the intense pain as if it were in a grinder that accompanied it. His fist had caused my blood to rush through my body, almost as if my veins were going to burst. My breath left me in a rush and I found that I couldn’t make a sound.

His fist continued to puncture abuse my entrails until my liver relieved him of reaching my spine. My legs gave in and I fell to my knees, i had a metallic taste in filled my mouth, coupled with saliva and vomit. I took another a blow to the cheek causing blood to gushed from my lip. My head was pounding and I couldn’t could hardly make out the shouts and spurs coming from all around. I couldn’t feel the floor under my hands. I was much too so focused on staying out of this the man’s grasp that I was unaware of the presence looming behind me. I felt the cold sting on the back of my head, felt more than heard the shatter of glass. My vision was fading and all I couldn’t do anything to stop it. 

~~~

Sunlight burned through curtains, the heat of the day was beginning to take effect. Suddenly I remembered the events I’d just experienced. What happened? How am I still alive? I sat straight up—a careless act. My head was started pounding and my stomach was filled with an intense pain. I looked down. My shirt was gone replaced with bandages covering my abdomen, and my left hand too. Gentle probing tells me that my cheek felt was probably badly bruised and my lower lip was began to bleeding again.

Where am I? The mattress I was laying on was thick, but without a frame. The room was small, two meters square at most. The walls were bare wood paneling, the floor too. The curtains appeared to be made of stray remnants of fabric sewn together. without warning i heard A muffled yelp comes from the other side of the wall. Cautiously, I rise rose from the bed and began to investigate. Standing there by a fire pit was the scruffy haired bartender from last night, sucking on his finger in obvious pain.

He notices my presence and immediately removes his hand from sight. He straightenes and brushes dirt off his white button up and coffee colored pants.

He clears his throat and spoke speaks in a deep voice with an accent I couldnt can’t quite pin down. Irish perhaps? After a moment of my staring at him in confusion he repeats himself. “Oh, hello, uh I’m Gabriel.” he said with a rush.

“Elliot.” I mumble, somewhat confused.

“Sorry to sorta kidnap you.” His cheeks held had a pinkish tone tint to them. 

He extended his arm to shake hands, but visibly winced as when I touched his hand. He pulled back and began looking through cabinets. After a moment, it hits me; he’s the reason I’m not dead right now.

He explains he’d been the one to break up the fight moments after I’d be beat out of lost consciousness. The man who’s drink I had tipped was very drunk and had a tendency to overreact. Prior to my waking he had taken me to his home and treated my wounds.

He pulls a small vile out of the cupboard, what i assumed was some type of solid crushed to a paste. He applied smeared the paste to on his finger with great discomfort, then applied a small bandage.

I had completely forgottten the reason I went had gone into the tavern. “Excuse me, Gabriel? Where exactly am I?” I questioned asked, running my fingers through my hair.

“Oh, you’re not from around here? Figures, your accent is very peculiar. Well you’re in Esteros. It’s a short way from Rueling if that’s where you’re headed.” He placed a pot of water over the fire as he spoke. 

I wasn’t familiar with either of those places. “I’m sorry, but what country are we in?” I was thoroughly confused. i thought Perhaps I had simply stumbled upon an area I wasn’t used to, but it appears that, that was not the case.

“Oh, so you’re really not from around here. This is Hy-Brasil, how’d you get here anyhow?” He finally turns around to look at me.

“I don’t remember. I can’t remember anything except waking up on the edge of a lake in that forest. What time is it anyway?” 

- end to chapter with 1912 found at bottom, new ending from here -

“Lake? There’s no lake in Sìthiche grove.” He seems to ponder that for a moment before continuing, “it’s around noon, though you’ve been uncurious for several days. I wasn’t so sure you’d make it to be honest, you were pretty bruised banged up” his tone was slightly had a bit of a humorous tone at play, I suppose to lighten the mood. “I have to go back to the bar soon, but I can fix up some food for you if you’d like, before I go” he was already fetching pots and pans from various cupboards. 

“Are you sure? You’ve done so much already, I’d hate to be a burden on you…” I spoke so shly quietly, I wasn’t sure he had heard me. Though, I was half expecting him to agree, he had already saved my life.

“No, no its fine, honest. I don’t have many visitors these days anyway. Company is nice.” he seemed a it sad by the way words he spoke. 

“I’m be fine to do it, I don’t want to keep you from work, I feel like I need to do my part to help anyway.” I was glad that he was happy for me to be here, but I couldn’t let it damage his career.

He looked a little worried but gave in after a moment. “Alright, there’s some vegetables in that cupboard by the door” he said while gestures to a small cupboard missing a door. “You can make soup if you’d like. I guess I’ll be off then.” He rose and donned a jacket he had left slumped in the corner. “I’ll see you” he smiles as he walks out the door.

“Goodbye!” I half shout to be sure my voice had reaches him.

~~~

I saw something—no, someone—approaching in the distance, no, someone. 

“Gabriel!” I sprint out the door and fling my arms around him. It felt like it had been forever since I’d last seen him. I had to tell him what’d happened. 

(Not sure when in the timeline this happens? But it seems like their relationship is progressing rather rapidly at this point if it is in the first chapter?)

Chapter 2

The megalopolis was a beautiful sight. Rooftops and walls built from magnificent amber shaded timber, stone pavement adorned with delicate pale blue wildflowers. Over a hundred people striding by one another (Not sure what you’re trying to say here, but it seems a little awkward, but not too bad).

A majority of the men donned wore three piece suits consisting of a coat, waistcoat, and trousers. Other men, however, wore clothing quite similar to Gabriel’s choice of a dress shirt with a as well as matching coat, trousers, and suspenders. The women wore lose dresses with relatively high waistlines. Many Most of the women I could see paired the dresses with a form of stockings and ankle height boots.

It felt like I was in a dream; my surroundings were so drastically changed in such a short amount of time. There were no cell phones in sight, no one in vehicles besides those on pulled by a horse or two. There was were no women wearing trousers, no men wearing shorts. Even the pathways were so different. There were no neatly made cement paths as there are were in the 21st Century. Instead, there were stones placed in the ground, grass thriving between the cracks. 

Gabriel received many looks of pity as we travelled through the layers of citizens, offhandedly, I wondered why. Though compared to the well dressed and fancy men we passed, Gabriel and I looked shameful and untidy. We came upon a small cabin around on the edge of town. Gabriel had mentioned the resident was something of a cartographer. However, it was strange to me that these people seemed so advanced but still so far behind, could it really only be 1912? 

“Gabriel?” I ask

“Yes?” he inquires back.

“How do you know what year it is and why does this place seem so different from the rest of the world? I thought surely they’d even have cars in 1912 or something.” I had so many questions I barely breathed between the words I was saying. 

Gabriel had a slightly shocked expression on his face, “how do you know of the word ‘car’?”

I shrugged, it seemed like common knowledge.

“We have currently no concept of the ‘rest of the world’ and we were given our years by a man named Damian.”

“Damian? How does one man give you your years? I’m not sure I understand...”

“This island has a long history. Its old and isolated and looking from our shores, it seems like there isn’t even any other land out there. However, around a century ago, a man washed ashore. He called himself Damian. With him, he brought great knowledge, he thought us how to cook, build, and travel more efficiently.” He paused for a second to be sure I was paying close attention before continuing. “ We do not have what you call ‘cars’. However Damian did mention this them. But he came to realize this island has far too little few resources to create such things. We already had the concept of years, hours, and minutes before he arrived, but he claimed the island looked like the 1800’s, so we began to start counting from his words. He gave the island the name Hy-Brasil.” 

Gabriel seemed to know this topic very extensively. But I was still confused, how could it be that a single man taught them all so much? Where did he come from? And is it really still 2014? I wasn’t sure how to interpret all any of this. 

“Gabriel, what ever happened to this Damian man?” I ask after a moment

He stops in his tracks. “He was murdered.” His stern voice was troubling and he had no apparent empathy for what seemed to have happened. “Well here we are!” his tone became becomes a slightly bit more cheerful as he changes the subject. 

The house that rising rose in front of me was… disgusting. Half the windows were smashed, the door only had a rope as opposed to a lock, and the roof had numerous holes in it. I’m not sure how much help this man will be. As Gabriel knocks on the door small pieces of wood came crumbling down, falling softly onto the moss covered ground below. 

-consider getting rid of whole cartographer thing like oml what was i thinking-

(It’s not bad, it just feels a bit misplaced without any more information. I’m just not sure why they’re going there? If you’d like to leave it—and I think you should because it explains quite a fair bit—maybe explain more about the significance of it and why they’re going to visit this shady place)

chapter one finish

[“The lake? There’s no lake in the sìthiche grove. As for the time there’s a sundial out in the courtyard… I’m not sure how well it’ll work on such a cloudy day though.” he motioned towards the door where through which I saw an overgrown stone courtyard, a small sundial right in the center. Who still uses a sundial?

“Gabriel?”

“Yeah?”

“What year is it?” My voice quivered tremored with each word.

“1912.”

I could not comprehend this. I had not simply drifted from my home, but alternatively, I had stumbled upon an utterly unknown country. It was roughly 100 years prior to my birth, and yet here I am was, standing dumbfounded in the home of a man who saved my life.

The ocean was currently the only thing I can could recall previous to my waking in that lake. I don’t know how or why I got here, but I need to get back. ]

 ---

“We did all this, and you want to fucking stay?! You know what, Fuck you.” Gabriel storms off, leaving me standing, staring after him dumbfounded.

“Gabriel, wait!” I call after him. Just as my heart sinks into my stomach he’s racing back, running straight towards me. A small part of me is afraid, but a larger part of me is divided between not caring if he hurts me and knowing that he won’t.

I was still staring at him as he stalks up and grabs my face. “I’m still fucking pissed.” He breathes before smashing our lips together.

Gabriel walks off, walks back and kisses him.

(I took the liberty of adding this last part, just to flesh it out a bit, but if you don’t like it no hard feelings! Esp because it’s your story and it’s really good!!)

[koishikomeijiofficial]

im p sure ive developed an underlying fear of groups/communities now

specifically RP groups, but its extended to where im now terrified to join any kind of community

first there was the old vocaloid rp group rejectrp which was great and fine for a long time, but when they decided to switch to dA’s new at the time group format versus a dA account, they told all of us that we had to reapply (bullshit, imo) and that after reapplication we couldnt use our old rp accounts anymore we had to create new ones (DOUBLE bullshit) so i ended up breaking off from there as did many other members

that rp is where i met a lot of people, some friends and some awful people, such as someone who i’ll refer to as P, who would occasionally ‘remind’ me that ‘youre one of my closest friends if it werent for you id have killed myself’ and other such guilt slinging manipulative shit. it got to the point where one time i made a tumblr post asking ppl to tag nsfw and p messaged me on skype whining about how “i guess you’ll have to unfollow me then because i’m not tagging shit” even funnier since i never actually followed them in the first place. when i told them i had enough and blocked them they started texting me, telling me i ‘blew up for no reason’, and when i blocked them everywhere they manipulated a friend into trying to talk to me for them and then cleared half their dA gallery, posting a journal that said “you made me do this you know who you are” so yeah

i think one of the biggest factors in this was a DR rp group. it went fine for a bit but before the main story even started the mods shut down the group, saying something like school would make them too busy and for some reason they didnt account for school??????? yikes. i suggested in the chat that the remaining members should make our own group and we did, mostly a skype group chat and a chatzy room. i made it very clear to everyone that i would not be stalking the chat and if anyone needed me they could ping me by mentioning my name or the name of any of my characters. everyone knew this. everyone agreed to this. they started making google docs/charts for things and i went and added my characters but soon i discovered that they were actively being removed from the docs. i brought this up, saying i felt like they were excluding me, and they had the gall to say “well you’re never here so” and i had to bring up yet again that they AGREED to me saying if they needed me they should ping me because wow, unlike yall, i dont spend literally all day staring at a skype window and replying to every single thing yall say at 5674685798 messages per second! i angrily left the group and a few members attempted to tell me i was wrong, i wasnt being excluded (then what the fuck is going on with someone actively removing my characters from the docs??? the fuck is that????) and the self-proclaimed leader of the new group also mysteriously had nothing to say to me or about the issue at all. fuck those guys. i hope that at least one of them sees this post, reads this, and remembers how shitty they were to me. (not to mention it was honestly uncomfortable that a lot of the members got pretty sexual w each others characters and it was. very uncomfy)

i joined another DR group at some point which also shut down before it even started. i was absolutely livid; i’d already sat thru this shit once and i was angry that the same thing happened, and i wasnt about to let it devolve into the shitstorm that had occurred with the other group. i simply left a last, angry message on my character’s blog and never looked back. (i do follow at least one person from that group tho, they dont post often but their art is Perfect)

i also used to run dA’s first MMD group (using the group format at least, which was new at the time) and boy did it get hectic. every time i got mods to help me they did work for maybe 2 days and then never did anything, one such admin would be rude and horrible to people who broke the rules (which in a repeat offenders case might be needed but she was cursing out ppl who were like 11) and occasionally i’d post a journal saying submissions were down for a weekend for group cleaning, may people tried to submit anyway and i even got one profilic (at the time) animator who bitched and moaned about how “if i cant submit here where am i supposed to go” despite being told that the cleaning only lasted for TWO DAYS and that they could submit after the cleaning was over

and in a certain mmd group’s monthly contest back from when i was a mod there, some racist shit came up SPOKEN BY THE MODS TO THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT UP THE CONCERNS (the contest theme that month was a western theme and one of the ‘inspiration’ pictures was a white-ass chick in stereotypical ‘haha look at me im wearing le indian clothes and a headdress X3′ outfits and people who are actually native brought up this concern, and the other mods basically told them to shut up with one even unironically saying “yeah im like 1/354764586456547458th native so i’m a dutch girl who can do whatever i want”) and when i tried to explain to them why their racist shit wasn’t okay i was told to be silent, so i quit

so yeah i think maybe all my shitty group experiences have made me absolutely terrified of groups in general. maybe that’s why i’m so afraid to join the local lolita community

#meltytext #personal / #its a long-ass post so u dont have to read it #im just getting my thoughts out for now since im going to my therapist again today

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

Hi, its me again, anon about the father.

(although its on a slightly different topic)

Maybe moving wont be such a bad and very scary (still is) decision. Maybe for work.

When he has a burden, he puts it and “shares” it with other people. Especially on my mother. When its the opposite, well. Its so embarrasing.

My brothers, they spend money on boba, computer games, he even goes for a sleepover. I rarely go out (and when i do its always the less cost, the better and its even better when i am able to save so i dont have to ask for so much) but i do spend on sale clothing. Sometimes they dont even ask and he even upgrades it. Its bad because i am comparing.

I passed on the university exam, though wanted to chose the other choice on my application. If only he let me study that degree instead, in the same university, where i went, i would be a graduate for a year now, not just now. I always convinced myself that im studying that because of the jobs when i graduate. But what wouldve worked better for me is that what i study, i already have a lot of interest in. Or, maybe this is where i should be… But i am not just done yet. He assisted my with my requirements to submit for a scholarship for another university-where i felt at that time was where i wanted to go, plus its closer to home and therefore lesser but not cheap still, expenses. So i didnt let myself dream to go into a farther one. The day of the interview came, i didnt have a way to go. Its just left like that. I recall the text i got from the university to confirm whether i will go to the interview or not. When the results came out, he said, i didnt pass the scholarship. Ok now, well yes because i didnt go for the interview. I still feel embarrassed for during highschool, excited me happily replying to schoolmates when they asked what university i would be going. It was that university. I wish they just told me i couldnt go there so that i stopped expecting. It feels as if they just let me think and dream when they already decided on that. I hate that feeling and because i still carry it, the whole time of college, i convince myself why its the best and realistic decision. I even stupidly cry all the time because of that, and thinking of what ifs. I did try to transfer, together with 2 people, but it wasnt possible since there where no many enrollees for the upcoming year and because the staff who evaluated our subjects said that it would cost a lot and that professors have full load that time. Thats what i convinced myself, that i tried. We were stuck in the situation where in no student could easily shift or transfer. Newly implemented grades 11 and 12. We were the last batch before that. Its because ive always thought about that so much that it hurt me a lot. I wish they explained that to me. That what i was in, was where i should be and could only be. I hoped for other things and not knew or realized that time im not gonna in be what i hoped for. And it hurt college freshman, sophomore, junior (still) and (sometimes) senior self. (an attempt to make this message ‘funny’). What he is not able to do, he puts on other people, but it is his responsibility or accountability, why he is not able to do that, not “lash out” on people by forcing things and not even saying why. Just why and no further explanation required. He reasons out for other things when its mainly him why it wouldnt or couldnt happen. He is belittling. I dont feel that we all thrive because of him. He wants things done in his way and it makes me angry that my mother almost always follows that and rarely shared her thoughts when she doesnt fully agree. But sometimes maybe its what she does to keep this family intact. I had this thought. I dont feel much support from them. But my mother, yes, she tries much, much, further from her best. Although, when i shared to her that i feel so disappointed in myself that i dont get high grades and always stay stuck in the same average, she agreed and even questioned why i could go past that. It hurt a lot. I do believe that parents should show support to their children. And now they are saying these things. I hate it. Its not just because theyre being honest but it does hurt a lot. But also maybe because i expect so much but then if i wouldnt, we would all be stuck in this. Mostly i. When i present ideas, i always already fear that it would not be approved of. So i already, almost automatically choose the right-for-them decision. And when my brothers present it, magically they agree. (another attempt to make this message 'funny’) but mostly, he makes us siblings expect but he doesnt almost-always push through, and i think, already knows it. i, too, and so i already lowered my expectations. Maybe its his thing. Gtg, ✈ disappointment. - - Would it be better if i come off anon? Or would this do? Thank you so much for reading. Just being able to let this off my chest is so helpful, that there is a space in this time, for people to share, less worries about judgment. And being able to have a space with other people too.

hey again :) if you want to come off anonymous, you can? I will still have to reply in this format though and post it to the blog, as tumblr doesn’t allow me to reply privately to submissions (fml). if you want, you can give yourself nickname as a way to identify you, and so I know that I’m talking to the same person? :) but up to you, no pressure at all. 

I think moving out could be a really helpful solution to all of this negativity at home at the moment, I really do. it’s definitely a scary decision! I agree with that for sure, but it’s worth taking a risk and working through the fear if it’s ultimately going to bring you peace and mental stability. 

moving out will also allow you greater independence, and freedom! you’ll have the room to choose what you want to do, not what your dad wants you to do. it’s a decision that your dad isn’t likely to take well, but there’s definitely ways to work around that and to find a balance. 

parents should show love and support to their children, I completely agree with you. I think your disappointment with your mum is fair, but when she’s spent a lifetime of listening to whatever you dad has to say? I can understand why she might say things like that to you (even if I don’t agree with them). 

moving out isn’t easy and there can be some financial stress, but honestly? it’s a decision that sounds like 100% worth it for you, your home life isn’t really happy and positive and working for you anymore. it’s ok to move out of home if you need to, it’s ok if that’s what you need to grow as a person and to feel more confident in the decisions you make. if you just cannot move out of home at the moment? then slowly start to work on making choices for you (no matter what your parents might think!!), write down a pro and cons list if that helps you to feel confident in your choices and what you want to do? but ultimately you’re the one who’s going to be doing that activity, you’re the one that’s directly impacted so it’s down to you whether you want to do it or not. all the best <3

- tash

#advice #submission #life #parents #father #dad #confidence

[love-transparentstudentarca-blog]

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"What is the cheapest car insurance and what company for a 17 year old?

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BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://insureinfo.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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How much will my car insurance go up?

I received a speeding ticket today i was doing 56 on a 30 : /...balls. Now I obviously know that car insurance rates are different for everyone so i called my insurance company today and they said that my insurance would roughly go up by 2 points and that each point is roughly 100$ dollars each... I forgot to ask if that meant i would be paying 200$ plus each month or for the entire year, i tried calling again but they closed for the weekend. Anyone know or have an idea? I pay 125$ a month now, could I really end up paying 325 a month?!""

What are some affordable health insurance plans?

I am 20 years old and do not have health insurance and I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled! So i'm looking for an affordable health insurance.I've already applied for Medicaid and was denied.I need help please!

Is Arizona's new law racial profiling against persons without driver's licenses and automobile insurance?

Is Arizona's new law racial profiling against persons without driver's licenses and automobile insurance?

What is the cheapest car insurance and what company for a 17 year old?

also can i use a motorbikes 1 year no claims for my cars insurance thanks

Buying a motorcycle and insurance?

Might be a weird question. I plan on getting a bike. To get insurance on a bike do you need the title and everytbing under your name first? And if I buy from a dealer, how do I get it home without insurance? You need a bike to get insurance but you need insurance to drive it home from the dealer. How does it work if I make sense.""

Advice for health insurance please? (community college student with low-paying part-time job)?

I haven't had health insurance since I turned 18 and no longer qualified for my family's health insurance plan. I wasn't really concerned at the time, but now that its been a few years (I am almost 21 now), I am in need of dental care. My problem is that I don't know what my health insurance options currently are. I am a college student, although my community college does not offer any health plans for students. I do have a part time job at a daycare that offers health insurance, however its price is far too high for my income. The insurance company is Aetna, and would cost me $16.92 for the lowest medical option, plus $4.61 for dental. So that would cost me $21.53 weekly, which doesn't sound too bad, except I only earn about $120 every two weeks....reducing my paychecks to about only $76 every two weeks....which just isn't enough for me to live on considering that I pay for my own food and everything else needed. So.... does anyone know of health insurance companies that have options for community college students like me? I know state insurance may be an option, but I have a feeling I don't qualify for that since I'm not legally an independent, yet I can't afford to move out and become independent. See the nasty cycle now? lol. And no, earning more money and finding a better paying job is not an option for me at this time. I can't transfer to a college that does offer health insurance for another two years either.. If anyone can give me advice, I'd be very grateful. Thank you in advance =)""

""Insurance Claim estimate lower than expected, what do I do?""

An elderly lady backed up into my car a few days ago and we decided it'd be best to file an insurance claim. After the claim was ruled in my favor I was sent to a body shop for an estimate of the repair. The damage was to the rear quarter panel of my car which consisted of a scrape across the panel and a quarter sized dent in the panel. The insurance adjuster gave me an estimate and check for 855$. My question is in regards to the repairs, I feel that since this is 100% the other party's fault and since I am the person who has to drive the car that I am entitled to the maximum premium in repairs. I have been reading on Paintless Dent Removal (PDR) and most will say that its the cheap way of making a repair. Does anyone know if it would be possible to go back and get a new estimate/settlement for a new rear quarter panel? Basically my logic is this, if you damage any of my property it should be 100% my call if I want to settle for a compromise or not.""

How can I get my insurance CSR 440 certification?

I would like to pursue a career in insurance adjusting

Insurance rebate?

If you cancel your car insurance, do you get a rebate as you do with road tax?""

Are your children on your insurance plan?

Does it cost more on your insurance for a child over 12 years of age?

Did I get a good quote for my car insurance?

I am 28 years old and recently passed my driving test. My full UK driving license is 4 months old and I got car insurance with my uncle for 43 a month including 7 years no claim bonus, 506 a year. Is that a good deal?""

What is a cheap insurance company for teens in washington?

Im 17 and I just started driveing and I have to be on my own insurance, what is the cheapest insurance that I can use thanks for any info""

How much is motorbike insurance for a 125cc bike roughly?

I know it's had to predict, but im looking to buy a bike soon. Im 18 years old, live in south-west London, have a full driving license for 1 year now. (some factors they might consider) thanks.""

Domino's Pizza Delivery Driver- do you need commercial insurance?

I have an interview today for a job at Domino's Pizza to be a delivery driver. My only concern about it is right now I have personal insurance. If I were to get in an accident while delivering a pizza for domino's, would I still be covered? I'd like to hear from actual insurance reps or people who have had experience with this.""

""2012, 17 Year Old Insurance?""

Looking to pass my test in Feb. (3rd) And all threads and posts I have looked at are from 2010 or something. Just wondering what the best sort of car is for my age and insurance provider and any tips to lower my premium as the lowest I have come out with was with elephant.co.uk at 2900, third party fire and theft on a citroen ax. Which is above my budget... Any Clues Anyone ? Thanks""

How can anyone afford private health insurance in USA?

I'm thinking about going into private business in the USA, but I'm concerned about how to insure myself with health insurance. The policies I'm seeing are extremely expensive, and the deductibles are quite high. How do people who start their own business manage?""

Good classic car insurance proposers?

i have a Ford Fiesta L 1979 and l would like to know some cheep classic car insurence

Average teen drivers insurance cost?

about how much would it cost to get insurance on a 16 year olds car? does adding it to the parents insurance make it less?

If I put a 1 million dollar life insurance policy on myself then I pay for 3 months then get hit by a car?

Alright so if I get hit by a car after 3 months of having life insurance and I die does my beneficiary get the 1 million?Or will that person only get how much I have payed with the payments?

Is it possible for me to get an insurance quote below 2000 for any possible car?

im 22..i've tried old and new cars for quotes... cars valued from 500 to 35,000... but the minimum possible quotes i get is around 2100.. and been given a quote of 7000 for a 2.0l bmw 3 series worth around 5000 itself... I know its not going to be 30 a month for such a young in experienced driver.. but 400 a month for a tiny car??!!... i have no one to help me ... how do i find out if car insurance is just a joke or is it possible to get some sensible quotes? how do normal people get sensible car insurance for the first time? or are they just born with 10 years of NCB ?""

Car insurance????

is it higher insurance in illinois to have a 2 door car???

How can I get a health insurance that I can afford?

I work full time and my husbant too but our jobs don't offer a health insurance. We hava just enough money to pay the mortgage, other bills and to survive the month. We would like to have a baby and the only thing that is holding us up is no insurance. I could only find family insurance that's over $500 a month and we could never afford that. And we make too much to qualify for help from the government. Does anyone know any affordable insurance or help from somewhere. Also, without $1000s in deductibles and coinsurance?""

How much would I pay for the Insurance Renewal?

I recently had a car accident with my brand new 4WD vehicle. The front part were badly damaged and is now in the manufacturer's garage. Good thing I didn't get any physical injury as the vehicle's air bag went off just on time and my comprehensive insurance will cover for the agency repairs. My question is, assuming that I'll never encounter another major accident for the next 11 months, how much(more or less) would I pay for the vehicle's insurance renewal next year after it has been assessed by a qualified individual. As early as now, I want to have an idea how the insurance company will compute for my insurance renewal and what are other factors do they consider say I paid them around $1,300 for this year's fee. I hope someone could give me an idea re insurance renewal and other pertinent info re this matter.""

How does health insurance work?

I'm completely lost on how health insurance works... and I'm finally starting to work and don't know what to do =/ so any information about it is greatly appreciated. thank you

Young rider needs insurance help (motorcycle)?

Hello I am completing my motorcycle course this week and will be obtaining my m2 license, I was considering buying a motorcycle. I am a 18 year old male and was wondering if anyone could give me advice or some help for insurance in ontario?. I am aware it will be costly but was wondering if someone had any motorcycle suggestions that would be cheap on insurance or even insurance companies. Recent personal experiences would be nice. Thanks for the help!""

How do you get health insurance?

I'm try'na get emancipated from my parents, and they said I medical/health insurance. No ******** answers.""

What do you guys think would be cheaper in car insurance?

What would be cheaper in car insurance? Which one would last longer? 2003 nissan pathfinder- 185,000 miles 1989 corvette-107,000 miles Im 18 years old.""

Definition of insurance?

I want to know of the definition of insurance

Cheapest insurance company for newly drivers? (UK)?

Cheapest insurance company for 17's? Also how can I get my insurance to be as lowest as possible?

What is the cheapest car insurance and what company for a 17 year old?

also can i use a motorbikes 1 year no claims for my cars insurance thanks

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-would-cost-insure-smart-roadster-17-year-old-angeline"