#i dont believe my family hates me anymore. im not ready to pack up and leave because i think theyd be better off without me anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

spirit-shroud · 6 years

Text

v long vent post under the cut, some advice would be really nice right now

my mom is a narcissistic, soul-sucking, god awful person with no sense of humanity, only money. she has a very rich(!!) boyfriend right now who lives in north carolina and has a very big house and is very nice, allegedly, and upon visiting his gigantic house and learning just how much money he makes, she decided her best next step was to straight up fake a house foreclosure, and casually tell me we're going to sell everything we own and pack up and move to north carolina with him in another three months. she also cancelled our health insurance so I can't continue my hormone replacement therapy or even get regular therapy, which i've desperately needed now for the past three years more than ever.

i told my sister and brother in law about this and they agreed to let me stay there, they said they'd try to get me on their insurance and i wouldnt have to worry about things like rent/getting a job or anything until i felt ready. that was the plan. i'd be able to move in with them in early june, and i'd be able to start getting back on my feet. i planned on getting my GED, getting a big headstart on my game, and going to school in NY to get a business/marketing degree (though i've also been very interested in becoming a robotics engineer as well for a few reasons). but of course, some issues came up

first off, my mother magically doesn't have the money to let me be able to visit them later in april, which is when we would've finalized moving plans anyways. which, seeing how everything else has been going, i'm going to chalk up to being a lie, and another means of keeping me trapped with her.

second off, my biological father is dying, apparently -- nobody will tell me any specifics on how or why. i don't know how much time he has left or what he even has. my sister wanted me to go visit him with her except here's the thing. i dont know my dad at all. i see him two days or less per YEAR. he has never once called me, nor texted me though he has my number. he doesn't contact me ever through skype/discord/social media even though he has access to all of those things. he doesn't send christmas cards or come visit or anything. he's a stranger to me. even when i send the first message its rare i get anything back. he has all the tools to try and come into my life and be a father -- and i’d love him to! he’s been invited at several points! - except he has never once tried. however, he'll talk to my sister all the time. i've been told they're on the phone lots and while i'm very glad that SHE gets to see him, i don't have that. i don't want to start that if he won’t. i told her i didn't want to pay him a visit now that he doesn't have much time left because he's a stranger, and i really don't think she understood what that meant because she's on the opposite end of the spectrum. he's her father, but not mine. and after our last talk about it, i'm so afraid to try and talk to her again. she's probably in a lot of pain over the whole thing and i just feel nothing towards him. hes a stranger!! he's not my dad and honestly what's been making me feel much worse about it all has been everyone like 'well he's your dad you SHOULD be caring' but i just dont! i can’t even FAKE any feelings for the guy. if he WANTED TO TRY HE WOULD'VE BUT HE DIDN'T. its like i just don't exist to anyone.

which leads me to another point of problems too that i've been really heavily realizing lately. everyone knows about my sister. she graduated college with like a 3.9 average or something and a fancy degree in biology and she has a stable job at a really cool lab doing what she loves. she's getting married soon. she's the only one my mom ever talks about to people. my sister. she's successful and my mom is so proud of her. most people don't even know she has a second child because im a dropout and im disabled and im trans and i'm too distant and unloveable and don't care enough about myself or others. people confuse me with my sister and when i introduce myself, they look confused. they've never heard of me. my mom only has one child. i'll never stand up to her. i'll never have that same light that she has because i'll never be able to follow my dreams. my mom tells me so often i'll never be her because im lazy and bad and stupid and all im ever good at doing is putting things off. and she words it like that, too. you'll never be like her. you'll never be successful. you're just going to live at home forever with me and you'll never get better. its a mantra. a haunting, crippling mantra. i'll never be her because she was just better, and able to run away to college at 18 and dropped all contact with us for years. she's better because she escaped. she's better because she's not me. i've surpassed living in her shadow. we're not even family. i'm a different species compared to her and that's all i'll ever be. what can i say except i'm jealous and i'm angry and so so worried about getting invested into anything?

and i'm just so afraid of finally moving, and saying one wrong thing, or slipping back into my old dumb habits, my old disorders, lazy streaks, my dumb breakdowns and finding myself out on the streets when my health is already so sketchy, or having to live in some strange house with some strange guy and that woman, the bitch who drove me to hate myself. both aren't good options. both aren't reasonable. there isn't a good choice and i know its my fault that it has to be like this because i let her get to me along the way, its my fault i believe my mother every time she screams at me i'm not good enough and that i'm the reason she's hurting too much to work or clean or do anything. its my fault i've been having panic attacks daily. its my fault im jealous and don't have any family. im worthless and useless and lazy and horrible and nothing i ever do will matter because nobody wants me. ive been getting hesitant on following my own dreams of writing or making a game or letting other people in on the things i want because i know i'll just fail. she was right. she's been right all along.

and even at the time in my life where i could get away from her, she's managed to block the path. i dont even want to live right now. honest to god the thought's been crossing my mind constantly. i don't know what to do anymore. im stuck here. there's nothing i can do. she won. that's all there is to it. she won.

#better just have my like sixth mental breakdown in two days haha wow i want it all to stop

2 notes · View notes

sinkthatmoon · 6 years

Text

Abusive Mother..

Where do I even start?

My mom has always been an alcoholic with an explosive temper. I feel like she’s bi polar and never truly got tested for it..My Aunt is a Bi-polar Schizophrenic, so it’s possible.. When I started getting older I noticed it more. How she screamed at my brothers and I, threatened to beat the fuck out of us if we messed up. But I was a good kid, stayed out of trouble so I didn’t get hit.

When I was about 10 I moved in with her and her boyfriend at the time, and his daughter. They were both very mentally abusive to us and eachother. Me and my step sister(let’s call her Nikki) use to get screamed at. Not just yelling at us for something we did wrong but inches from our face, screaming at the top of her lungs. She’d jump up and down like a toddler having a tantrum.. Nikki was always up to put up a tough act and break down when we get to our room. I was always crying immediately. My mom terrified me.

When I hit about 13 that’s when the physical abuse began. She would grab me by my arm really hard, throw me into my closet. She slapped me, threw heavy things like a saddle for a horse at me and scream I pick it up. When I was about 16 I was balls deep in depression. So was Nikki, she hates my mother with a burning passion. I understand why she does, she was put through a lot. They punished us for small things, but they made our lives hell. I tried to kill my self, twice. My family found out and took me to the Psych Ward. They were all supportive and nice when I went in, I think because I was so scared..

It seemed like she changed after that.. she broke up with her Abusive Boyfriend and his daughter, kicked them out. When I got home, she was really nice for a while. Then she started dating these guys..drinking a lot more. She wasn’t home half the time. This is when I developed horrible hallucinations. I hated being in this old country house alone, I was haunted by figures only I could see. But she kept drinking, kept partying. Hoped from handyman to biker to whoever.. I was going to therapy sense I had just gotten out of the hospital.. I started to open up about how abusive she was. All her exsessive drinking, she would pick me up drunk and drive me home or there.. so I told my therapist about it. She called CPS even though I begged her not to. When I was on my way home with my grand parents I broke down and told them what was happening. My mom called me, left a nasty voicemail on how she was going to “beat the life out of me” when I got home. I begged my grandparents not to take me home. They went home with me. And for the first time in my life, someone stood up to that Tyrant for me. Even though she kept telling them to leave, they knew better to leave me there alone with her. I can’t remember a lot of what happened, but I remember my grandpa standing up and yelled at her, “NO! STOP BLAMING THIS GIRL FOR YOUR HORRIBLE CHOICES!ITS NOT HER FAULT RHEY CALLED CPS ITS YOURS!“ It settled down after that. I remember lying to keep her calm as to why I told my therapist that. She pulled me out of therapy when my Therapist started pointing the blame in her direction for my demise. Said she was crazy. All my therapists have agreed my mother was abusive, whenever they confront her she refuses to believe them. Says they’re crazy and feeding me lies then pulls me out of it.

Sometime after that we were at a bar with her biker boyfriend. I was about 17. He gave me a hug, which is fine.. but he wouldn’t let go of me. After like 30+ seconds I began to get upset and asked him to let go of me, he wouldn’t. So I screamed, LET GO OF ME And shoved him away. I was shaking. He was visibly drunk(so was my mom), and he started crying to her saying I made him feel like a pedophile. Like ????? What? I asked him to stop hugging me and he wouldn’t so I shoved him away. But of course, my mom instantly took his side. She drug me to the bathroom by my hair, threw me into a stall. Screamed in my face how she was going to beat me when I get home. I text my brother what was going on, and he raced down to get me. He and his girlfriend picked me up, my mom chased them out of the bar screaming. My brother was so pissed at her for once. They took me to their house, reassured me everything would be ok. That night my mom stayed with her boyfriend. She text me 5 pages yelling me what a horrible daughter I was, that she wishes I was never born and all this stuff I’ve far pushed down. The next day they took me back to my moms to talk..my brother broke because he couldn’t stand up to her screaming like she usually does. They let her put the blame on me for that night again. She put the blame on me for absolutely everything bad that had happen to her. I was her personal black sheep.

Eventually things coolered down, she’s been dating the same guy for the past 3 years now. Although there has been a lot of her screaming at me the same way, but I’m 20 now. I’ve been able to stand up to her. I convinced myself maybe I was overreacting all these years.. but Last night was the final straw.

My moms boyfriend was on the couch snoring. The couch is right infront of my bedroom door, I can hear everything through that door.All I did was ask him to go sleep in his own bed because he was snoring really loud(mind you his bedroom is literally about 20feet away). He wouldn’t get up so I sat their and bugged him so he would leave. I knew if I walked away he’d fall asleep AGAIN and start snoring AGAIN and I’d be doing this all over. He wanted to lay there to spite me, infact admitted to it and started screaming loudly at me to go fuck myself and everything under the sun. I kept begging him too. Literally begging,”Please dude please, just go sleep in your own bed, please I helped you out a lot today just do me this one favor.” He kept saying no, telling me to fuck off stop bothering him and go to bed. When I told him if he started snoring again I’d thrown water in his face he immediately flipped shit. Started screaming at the top of his lungs how DARE I threaten him in his own house. I told him not to scream so he doesn’t wake anyone else up and he screams louder. He woke up my mom and she immediately came flying in, shoving me into my room, trying to slam the door on me. She raised her fucking fist to hit, WTH the same crazy fucking look she got when she dragged me into the bathroom by my hair and when she threw things at me. I told her, “DONT YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME! LET GO OF ME!” Even her boyfriend yelled at her ENOUGH.And she froze for a split second, before telling me to Shut the Fuck up and go to my room. (These people are fostering a 5yr from an abuse case by the way. CPS really does a “great job”screening potential foster parents. Infact when they confronted her about the drunk driving years ago, the note they had from my THERAPIST they had gotten on her she turned it on me, told them I was drunk not her and they believed her. Never even asked me.)

But I can’t stand living here anymore. I’ve had one of their guns in my mouth, I was ready to pull the trigger. I contemplate suicide every week here, I hate myself and hate this family. I’m at my breaking point.

My best friend in California is letting me move in with her. I’m trying to get this all done in a month. I have no money, but I have a car. She’s going to fly down Here, and drive back to San Jose with me in my car packed full of all my shit. I’m so scared, but if I don’t do this..Im afraid of what’s to come.

So that’s my story. I’ll be keeping you guys updated on the moving process as well. Send good vibes my way guys✌🏻

#abuse #emotional abuse #physical abuse #abusive parents #abusive mom #leaving abuse #scared #my story

12 notes · View notes

lidsblog · 7 years

Text

70 Questions

I was tagged by @studynostalgic

I tag @colbystudies @avery-study @sprintingstudies and @sirius-studying

01: do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes, it is relatively healthy, however, my family are crazy protective and only want the best, meaning their expectations are high! But i love them and the feeling is mutual.

02: who did you last say “i love you” to? my mum.

03: do you regret anything? A couple of things, but no point living in the past, i just gotta make sure not to make the mistakes more than once!

04: are you insecure? Very!!!

05: what is your relationship status? single

06: how do you want to die? Satisfied, and surrounded by the ones i loved.

07: what did you last eat? Sesame Crackers

08: played any sports? Is eating one? Jk , i did gymnastics and athletics, but nowadays focus more on athletics.

09: do you bite your nails? nope

10: when was your last physical fight? ooh let me think.... never -sorry, not sorry-

11: do you like someone?

Not yet

12: have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Gotta get my beauty sleep babes! Jeez aha

13: do you hate anyone at the moment? The question is, is there anyone i dont i hate at the moment?

14: do you miss someone? Potentially

15: have any pets? OFC! I have 2 Cats an 1 Dog

16: how exactly are you feeling at the moment? Panicked, nevervous, but overall savage.

17: ever made out in the bathroom? Unhygenic, - so no sorry

18: are you scared of spiders? YES! If iI see one in the house im already packed and ready to go

19: would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Perhaps?

20: where was the last place you snogged someone? Long Story- but fast forward... on the side of a road....

21: what are your plans for this weekend? I’m running a car boot stand to raise monye, tied in with other events such as a tombola, face painting and toehther things to raise money!

22: do you want to have kids? how many? Maybe, let’s just take it one day at a time

23: do you have piercings? how many? Used to have one on each other, but they have closed over now

24: what is/are/were your best subject(s)? English, History and Chemistry

25: do you miss anyone from your past? They are in the past for a reason

26: what are you craving right now? NGL, buttt a chocolate spread sandwiche

27: have you ever broken someone’s heart? Not that i am aware of

28: have you ever been cheated on? Yep

29: have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yes

30: what’s irritating you right now? Lack of independence at nearly 17

31: does somebody love you? I’ll keep praying

32: what is your favourite color? I promise this reflects nothing of who i am -grey

33: do you have trust issues? 100%

34: who/what was your last dream about? Results Day, more of a nightmare than dream!

35: who was the last person you cried in front of? My mum

36: do you give out second chances too easily? If only, i learnt my lesson with that one...smh

37: is it easier to forgive or forget? Forget, I do that anyway aha

38: is this year the best year of your life? Im hoping not, let’s see what reuslts day holds?

39: how old were you when you had your first kiss? 16

40: have you ever walked outside completely naked? Should i??? No!

51: favourite food?

Everything?

52: do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Potentially, but who knows? I guess fate?

53: what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Watched an episode of RuPauls Drag Race

54: is cheating ever okay?

Has it ever been? Of course it isnt!!!!

55: are you mean?

Only when neccesary or deserved. Sorry!

56: how many people have you fist fought?

uhmm... 0

57: do you believe in true love?

I’ll let you know when i find it

58: favourite weather?

Rain that patters on the roof top, and skims the grass

59: do you like the snow?

Too cold for us gingers!

60: do you wanna get married?

On day if the time and person is right

61: is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

Soetimes?

62: what makes you happy?

Journalling, Sationary and those i care for

63: would you change your name?

Nahh

64: would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Incredibly that is rough ground....

65: your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

See where things go, and discuss the matter

66: do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

I dont have much shame anymore...

67: who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

My dad

68: who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My bestfriend

69: do you believe in soulmates?

Not yet

70: is there anyone you would die for?

My family and Friends

#tagged #snostalgic #tags #follow #70 questions

2 notes · View notes

whence-the-woody · 3 years

Text

2020

I used to do big, reflective summaries of my year and even tho I am feeling reflective today, I wasn’t able to do that last year and I actually really like the format I went with last year of just listing memz so I’m going wih that. Intention review etc will be in another post. So, my 2020 memories:

Jan

Gearing up to leave a job I hated, packing up my life to move away properly for the first time. Going flat hunting with my mum and my brother and having a literal choice of one

I did Home which I dont really remember so it was probably fine

This was the month the Gallavich wedding aired and gaslit me into believing there was still anything positive about that show/ship. Tbf at the time I was LIVING for it

Cinema kick with Mum including CATS. What a moment.

Feb

Last day at said crappy job (just weird and awks. I didnt really know how to feel) and starting a new one - everyone was so lovely from the off and even tho I was bored at times I was optimistic

Staying with my brother for a few days, him helping me move in which was all very nice.

My flat having no hot water for the first week - I only cried about it once. And me having nothing but an air bed for 3 weeks. Not ideal but grateful to have amenities and furniture by the end of the month

I think this was both kareoke night for one persons birthday and a 90s party for another - both excellent nights

People were talking about COVID by the end of the month but I was like pfft we’ve been here before with swine and bird flu, it’ll be all hyped up then go nowhere

I think I was getting my first allocations by the end of the month which I was grateful for because going from an insane workload to none at all was tricky and I wanted to get going

March

Oh March 2020. How we did not see you coming.

Before the lockdown even happened I remember people were panic buying. I stocked my freezer a bit, not because I was worried but because so many shelves were empty. All the shops starting looking apocalyptic and I was despairing over how silly everyone was being. You couldn’t get online shops anymore and there was no loo roll to be found - still think thats just so dumb. I had to go to 4 different stores to find oats and was so annoyed, weird little tidbit but I remember it.

I remember sitting down on my new furniture - eating a meal I had made, watching John Mulaney and feeling good in my new home - and seeing the Boris announcement. Other countries had already locked down so I had mentioned to my manager that I might have to go home to my Mums if it happened here - she had asked, I didn’t really believe it would. I had arranged for a friend to visit that month and when she cancelled I was like I think everyones being dramatic but okay. Then the 23rd, they announced a lockdown from midnight and I straight away messaged everyone to say I was panicking, asked my manager if I could leave and packed to drive back to Mum’s the next morning. I was in my flat about 6 weeks.

I know for a fact that March felt like the longest month to ever happen but now I cant remember anything else from it - the announcement was so late in the month, I wasn’t working from Mum’s for that long before April. I think we were told to WFH if we could mid-month but I didn’t. Cant for the life of me now think why it felt so long. I know for those last 2 weeks I was refreshing the news constantly to see what was happening. I was still skeptical and thought the numbers were too low for such drama

April

WFH for real. Excruciating daily calls “to check in”. Working my first cases from home, only on the phone, with no idea what I was doing. Taking turns wearing headphone with Mum because we were both having confidential conversations.

Walking my pup to get my alloted hour of exercise. Taking regular breaks to go outside - I think this was when there was a heatwave. Eating lunch outside. Sometimes doing weights or yoga during my lunch break - that part was actually pretty great

Discovering podcasts - especially FDRF. They were the real MVP.

Still constantly checking the news for updates. 3 weeks turned into 6 and so on and so on.

I came back to my flat for one of the long weekends. I had accepted that it was going to be longer then 3 weeks and I needed more stuff. I went for a very hot walk through a ghost town - at the time it still seemed like there were too many people about. Still picnics in the park happening.

Everyone flinching when they say each other and steering well clear. It made you feel tainted even though its what we were suppossed to do.

Clapping for carers - absolute bullshit placating, hated it.

Always being left off the list of keyworkers.

Still feeling like yeah its bad but ?? This cant go on forever

A year of build up to a move then the rug was pulled out from under me, I tried not to complain because others had it so so much worse but it was hard. Is hard.

We watched all of Location, all of Marvel, Bake off etc etc. I cried when Tony Stark died.

I went back through my ENTIRE tumblr. I realised how little had changed really, it was very existential.

May

I had to come back to my new city because I was on a duty rota for 2 weeks. I was actually very excited and had a good time. I got to see people IRL!! Including some I was working with. It was definately a heatwave at that point - we were swealtering in our cars and full PPE but I was so glad to be out and about and back in the city. Putting a face and proper clothes on again was very weird

I dont remember anything else from May specifically. I think March and April lasted 10 years but then May June July were a blink. I think I had accepted how bad everything was by that point, I had stopped looking at the News for updates. I think this is where zoom started to be a thing maybe.

June

Honestly not a clue. I was between My place and Mum’s because of the duty rota. I don’t think I came back FT until end of June. I know things were starting to open up again and it was all moving far too fast - I definately wasnt going to run out to the gym or pub but alot of people were. We were suppossed to go on holiday for a week this month, with my brother and the dogs but obvs that was cancelled - it was such a lovely place as well, shame.

Yoga was still random but I did a weight workout every day this month which was great

July

Turning 25. I was definately back in the city FT, going back into work. My Mum came to stay in my place for the first time. My brother came over too. We went for a walk, had a picnic in the rain then ate cake back at mine. My Mum got me a microwave for my birthday because Im AN ADULT

For my birthday also me and my Mum watched Hamilton for the first time. This then took over my entire life and was played at all hours of the day

Kept going with daily weight workouts, moved up another set. I think this is where I re-did Revolution

August

Ready to start socialising again. More restrictions were being lifted too quickly which I knew but also I had to GTFO

A friend came to stay with me for the weekend. Hes not very mobile so we couldnt do much - went for a short walk into town, sat by the river and got severely sunburned. We went to a restaurant for the first time in 6 months - I had pancakes. I made him watch Hamilton which he did not appreciate enough. Also watched Truman show for the first time while eating burritos - what a mindfuck that movie is I mean really

Went for a very long very hot walk with a friend all around the fields surrounding the city. We stopped for a drink and cake halfway, more drinks were then had in her garden. This was our first time hanging out alone and it was really lovely, we spent much more time together after that. Shes probably who Ive seen the most this year.

A couple of weeks after that we went for bottomless brunch, followed by I think 3 or 4 other bars. The joys of getting day drunk.

I think this was the month I started using friend/dating apps and got OBSESSED. They’re just so silly and judgey and fun, I love it.

My 6 month tenancy ran out which I chose to renew. I started negotiations with my landlord for a pet agreement.

I think this is where I re-did Dedicate. I think weight workouts fell off a little bit because I was pretty busy. Instead of running started doing 3 walks a week which was nice.

September

First time hanging out with more then one person - did a Hamilton viewing party with 4 of us. There were american themed snacks, it was great. Not a boozy night which was needed. I think I then went for coffee with 2 of the girls this month.

First time meeting up with 2 girls I met on an app - I’m still friendly with one, not the other. It was mostly a good time and I’m very proud to have done it but then drunken politics came up and it got AWKWARD.

Nagging and nagging and nagging my landlord until she signed the pet agreement and LET ME GET A CAT

My obsession with apps was replaced with a cat shelter/app obsession. It was very frustrating because I wanted to rescue and they make it very hard so I eventually found a for sale ad and contacted them - it was a rescue though as far as I’m concerned, she was in a horrible situation for an “owner” who had no clue and had only had her for a couple weeks before giving up and putting her up for sale. I rescued her okay. I think it was 3 or 4 weeks after getting agreement that I went to pick her up. So getting everything ready for her was a big part of this month

I did manage to fit in a 5 day holiday. It was suppossed to be solo travel abroad but ended up being a Mon-Fri with family. We did some NT walks it was nice.

Then it was literally that weekend my brother drove me to Wales to pick up my new fur baby. Instantly fell in love obviously and my whole life became about her from that point on. They told me she was really timid and scared, she had been hiding in her current place, but I was so impressed with how curious and confident she is. She was wary at first, a bit flinchy, didnt like being petted with 2 hands, didnt like loud noises, wouldnt come on the bed or sofa, wouldnt come into the living room really. I put child locks on alot of doors but shes not mischivous so its never really been an issue. She loved to play from the get go and did come to me for a fuss from day one. I adore her basically. The first time she jumped on the sofa, sat next me on the bed, slept on my bed, let me stroke her with 2 hands, her first vet trip, every little first and win has always been a massive victory, Im a v proud mama. She was no name for a few days but quickly somehow became my Myshka (the whole long list I had went quickly out the window somehow)

Did some more regular yoga. Tried to do 5 weight workout a week but it was a bit random. Walks fell off because of anxiety over leaving the cat.

October

Alot of WFH to be with the cat. Definately obsessed.

We had our team day on a farm, that was lovely

Saw my friend for Halloween - watched Hocus Pocus for the first time, had cocktails, watched a boring horror movie then Rocky Horror which is just exceptional. Lockdown 2.0 was announced but we were tipsy and over it.

A very stressful month work-wise, lots of deadline, threat of Ofsted, management changes, admin changes, not getting enough sleep because work stress and struggling with productivity. My health suffered a bit too because I didnt have time for lunchtime exercise anymore.

November

Technically there was a lockdown but it felt no different because everyone was still in school and work, I dont think people even tried this time.

The election, refreshing the results constantly. I fully expected a T win and was happy when he didnt but still disappointed at how close it was, as was everyone

I bought my first Christmas tree and my own decs. Christmas shopping obvs.

I downloaded Tiktok and started to question far too much about my identity. its ongoing.

Most important was SUPERNATURAL. I had alot of feelings, it was an absolute rollercoaster my god. What a time to be alive that was.

A couple of outside coffees in the park which is always nice. I went to a new friend’s house for tea and met their dog, also nice.

I did a SV for the first time in a very long time and it reminded me of everything I used to hate about my old job, so happy to have left there

Test weekend taking the cat to stay with the family dogs, she did great, shes a champ

December

Pretty standard Christmas month. Had a christmas movie night with themed snacks and hot chocolate with one friend. Had another friend come for the day to do the same - first time I had seen her in a year after 3 cancellations, that was very lovely

Constant restriction changes and crappy government pissing me off but it didnt affect my plans luckily

All the Tier 2, Face Hands Space signs feeling very dystopian

Brother’s 30th plans got cancelled coz COVID. Back up NYE plans got cancelled got COVID. Actual NYE was fine tho the normal show/song/crowd was cancelled coz of course COVID

OVERALL

Not so good shit

I mean the whole thing in general yknow

Alot of plans couldn’t go ahead - various groups I wanted to join, a new gym, more nights out with more people, more chances to meet new people ETC

My diet has been an inconsistet shit show BUT TFB there were months where you couldnt predict what was going to be on the shelves, you couldnt get orders and the whole world felt so pointless and dark like why even care about that shit yknow

My exercise also wasnt consistent though I dont feel too bad about it. I was always doing something I feel like even if it was just walking

Ive ended the year with the same amount of savings I started with which isnt exactly bad since I moved and furnished a flat and got a new pet but it isnt great

I hate WFH with a burning passion and im worried the world has accepted that as a new normal and im not okay with it

None of this shit is over yknow

Just a general hopelessness is the face of big world things yknow. Theres really nothing we can do about it, just gotta ride that wave and vote when ya can

No travel - I had such plans!!

Good shit

My new fur baby who I love and adore beyond sanity

Starting a good job in a great city with lovely people

Growing so much in confidence because Fuck it, everything is pointless anyway and theres no point in planning or caring so imma just do me

Exploring so much of who I am through new relationships, my own environment, little things like exploring my style, picking up old hobbies, trying new routines and habits

Strengthening some friendships and maintaining others despite the insane obstacles

Maintaining a positive relationship with My Mum in particular, and my whole family

Trying new things in my new city. Still managing nights out, a somewhat proper birthday and a short trip

No actual mental breakdowns which this year feels like a win. My mental health is actually in such a better place then it was this time last year. The job was killing me, thank fuck I got out when I did

I redid more then 1 30 day programs and did 2 straight months of weights

My family, friends and I are all safe and well

Music of the year:

Hamilton

An awful lot of Panic!

Anyone - DL

Partition (idk dont question me)

Basically alot of drama while trying to hold on to both my emo and club days - fuck I miss clubbing yall. I dont even like clubbing.

Media of the year:

I should acknowledge Shameless even though I came full circle on it and have now fully abandoned the whole thing and prefer my own AU where Milkoviches get what they deserve

Schitts Creek

Supernatural

Hamilton obvs

Marvel technically, it was alot of hours

Staged

Derry Girls

Pose

The Old Guard

Pride - which is not new but we watched it on Christmas eve and I cried in my mums lap okay

Ship of the year has to be Destiel I mean standing ovation for that rage inciting moment followed by a solid month of absolute chaotic good, it was glorious in its destruction.

2021 INTENTIONS TO FOLLOW

#new years #late as ever

0 notes

booksbroadwaybbc · 5 years

Text

Don't know what to do with myself. via /r/selfimprovement

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hi. I'm 21 and still in community college, but I did get my provisional admission to this university I wanted to transfer to. I work as a runner at Din Tai Fung and I'm supposed to make bank, but I don't really know yet because I'm a new employee. Headtitle question at the bottom

I think I've lived an okay-ish life, kind of. story time, skip to the end if you dont wanna read it I come from a Korean family, can't say I remember much of my childhood except mostly being beaten and yelled at. There were good times too, but they usually ended prettily shittily. Moved around a bunch, went to a lot of schools. I've dealt with a lot of abusive stuff from both parents, but I'm not going to talk about my mom because things have gotten better and she's still here for me(?). For some extreme stuff- my dad broke my brothers toes in elementary school. In my senior year, he threatened me at knifepoint and forced it into my hands and told me to stab my brother or he would stab me. Beatings from him were pretty bad, and it's not just belts and sticks bad. I played co-ed baseball in 5th grade, so bam, there was that too. He liked to throw chairs and literally flip tables when he was angry (hes a private construction worker, so he's pretty strong). Broke a lot of his phones throwing them at us, the wall, the floor, whatever. Ive had a lot of problems with my social affairs in highschool- anxiety, being cold, being short tempered, aggressive, violent, sharp tongued. I started warming up in senior year because of this girl I dated, which was a pretty big deal because gays are not allowed in this household. And well, im bi but its the same thing to them. Can't say that went too well, because my brother found out and blackmailed me in the situation we were living in. But who cares, because siblings hate each other right? Anyways, broke up with her, broke her heart, treated her poorly and whatever two years later we made up and was able to be friends again. Back to dad- he was usually never around for things like elementary grad, middle school grad, and highschool- my mom made him come, but he sure didn't seem happy about it. In highschool, he only laid down on his phone playi ng his shitty phone games. Doesnt talk to me, doesnt talk to my brother, doesnt talk to my mom. His routine: wake up, go to work, come home, phone games, eat, phone games, sleep. If you try to talk to him, he ignores you. If you press it, he'll give you some boring answer like "go away already".

Anywho, that abusive fuck was caught cheating. Had an affair with a client's sister. Sold the house we lived in, mom moved to Newark, him to San Leandro. Mom didnt want to deal with me, so I got the boot and lived wjth acquaintances in Hayward. Couldnt afford it, so mom told me to move to San Leandro with him. I moved in with my best friend helping me and we saw the evidence. Bambam, hello lady clothing and shit. I went apeshit nuts and he tried to convince me, then threatened that I would be in big trouble if i said anything. (Parents were separated but not divorced). Alright, ill keep my big mouth shut.

I worked for his "girlfriend" at her cafe in Berkeley. Why? Well, it was easy money and i needed it to keep up with my shitty coping habits- partying and party favors, mostly e. You dont have to deal with stress if youre always out partying.

Anywho, fast forward, skip a lot of details. Mom gets a phone call one day from mutual acquaintance saying dad is sick and asks her to bring him some food. Alright. So she does because she still cares, and finds out the truth. Calls me and demands me to come right now and unlock the door- note that this is a 40 minute drive. By the time i get there, theres hella police and a window is broken and theres hella shit going on. Things settled down but being my immature ass i scream at my parents for both being immature, and they shouldve just cut things clean. I yell at my dad for being a fuckhead and cheating, you didnt raise a liar but you are one. I yell at my mom for being irresponsible and breaking things. Police grabs my shoulder but i swipe it off and bam. Im on the floor, face into concrete, chipped teeth and i cant even see where my dog is. Tbh i was more worried that he ran off because he was still a puppy and i was holding him during this whole ordeal. My glasses got knocked off my face when those two officers fucking bodyslammed me into the ground. I'm 5ft4, i weighed like 130 at this time but im just a legit smol asian girl.

What happened next? Well yknow, i got arrested and sent to jail for assaulting a police officer, nbd. Sat there for a few hours, listening to some psycho making weird noises. Finally get some call saying that my mom was waiting for me, and she bailed me out. She was crying a lot and told me that my dad didnt even bat an eye as they took me away, that he smiled and tried to fix his goddamn broken window. I believe it too, because I saw that shitty smirk on his face when i got to the scene. My mom has a bit of an uncontrollable temper so she looks psycho when the other person was the wack one. This was in January 2017.

Skip forward to the next police thing. June 2017. My mom demands that i pack all my shit and move back, and she wants to go with me. I plead no, but what am i gonna do against her? Alright, we drive and she starts saying stuff about lying and calls the bitch a slut and homewrecker and stuff, dad gets up to stand inbetween and stuff. Tells her to move than basically shoves her across the living room towards the door. **insert hysteria and bam again, screaming and each other, his hands on her, me trying to squeeze my body in between them and get his hands off of her. Doesnt really work cos he turns on me, hits me away and goes back to beat her. My screaming doesnt really help either, but i try what I can to claw his arms off of her. Nooooo, bad idea, but better me than her. He grabs me and my head is locked into his elbow so I bite down, arm. Baaaad idea again, but its in self defense imo. Im just trying to help my mom. He p much beats me up into a pulp her, grabs my shirt all the way up and yikes thats embarassing. The struggle goes on and eventually its calm again because slutface is like "honey staph"- note: only words and no actions to get close, buuuut, it works. Me and mom move to my room and start removing all my weebshit from the walls. Mom is muttering and saying a bunch of bs for him to hear and he storms into the room because hes fucking triggered and start the violence again. Oh but this is where i do the fun thing- i lunge myself at him so im like on top of him but holy shit, he legit pulls me off of him and throws me against the wall cabinets, and two hand chokes me, with his knees on my chest. Mom starts screaming at him, claws his face and soon the police are here and shit. Bitch called the police, and this is where it gets more fucked up. I legally live here, its on my license. I came back to move out, so its okay for me to be here, because i came to pack my stuff and take whats mine. So why exactly did the police not believe me? Why did my mom get arrested for putting dumb scratches on his face when he beat us, with pictures - that day- to prove that he inflicted more wounds on us. We were just defending ourselves. He put his hands on us first. Anyways, that starts my worries cos im like. Im 20, but idk what to do. How do i find money to bail my mom out? How do i even do that in the first place? But i managed.

Anywho skip forward, jackass is no longer in my life, tho i have to deal with him through my brother from time to time. Parents officially divorced Feb 2018. I've lived with my mom, she bought a cafeteria for a little bit so I worked there. Things were really hard because my mom had a lot of pent up anger that she would take out on me. My brother moved out because he went to university so he didnt really have to deal with much. Im also the older child, so bam. Anyways, we fought a lot. A LOT LOT. Like apeshit crazylot. I took a lot of beatings. It was like the weekend before Christmas of 2017 where a took a huge beating and ran away from my problems by going to my now-ex's house. He offered me to move in with him and his family, so I did. I had the choice of going back to my moms lifestyle and attempt to make up, or trying to live a different life. I lived with him from like Christmas to March 2018. We started having a lot of problems because he regret inviting me, he wasnt ready to give up his personal space and I was done babysitting someone who was older than me. Doing his laundry, doing his dishes, cleaning his room. I was done with being bored, never going out, being ignored while he did the same thing my dad did. Sit on his phone and not speak a word. Yeah, there were good times too, but they seem so fleeting when it seeps in with your own personal trauma of being ignored. Btw- when i moved to his place, my brother moved back home to fill the gap, but my brother is better with dealing with my mom and she doesnt blow up at him.

After I moved back, it was better. Yeah, shit went down sometimes but i guess overall it was better? My mom cried a lot. I would hear her talk on the phone with her family members in Korea and cry about how she was tired of everything and didn't want to do it anymore. I know exactly how that feels. Well, in the later months of 2018, we got along better and havent really had those blowups. I tried my best to stay home more instead of going out at night because she hated it. I tried to be nicer to her and more compromising. She's in Korea rn and things suck. During the whole parents thing, it sucks to feel like your parents are passing you to each other likea toy they dont want. It sucks to not really feel familial love growing up, where mom is just doing things because shes supposed to and dad just flat out pretends you dont exist. It sucks that it takes two years of partying, drugs and cons to find out

Submitted October 31, 2018 at 10:33AM by xfirelily via reddit https://ift.tt/2CRsVBn

#IFTTT #reddit

0 notes

myteline · 6 years

Text

•//▪Mysterious artist▪//•

<<¤BTS FF¤>>

《♡Taehyung x Reader♡》

●☆Word count: I DONT even know… ☆●

■♢Genre: Romance, Drama, Angst(future chapters ;)) ♢■

○Description: Your name is Kim Y/N. You are 18 years old. You are Korean but moved to America 2 years ago, your dad made that decision he just wants to run from his problems -_-. Anyways you’re moving back to Korea today! You were planning on finishing high school in the school you started before moving in America however you eventually got news that Portman high school( your first high school in Korea before you moved to America) was shut down due to poor teaching system and no teachers available to teach. So your dad sent you to Soung Highschool which was a high school closer to your home than Portman. Everything goes well till you meet a guy and he acts weird around you and he always acts like a dick around you. I wonder why?

Previously in Chapter 2:

The boys were so happy to have you back and you were happy to be back. You texted the girls the night before and agreed to go out to buy school things. Clothes, supplies, etc. You got up and got ready. You stopped for a second and looked in the mirror... Was this reality? Was this really you? You couldn't believe that it was reality... How could your life go back to normal after that day? It never would... it was always an act. You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn't notice the doorbell ringing multiple times and Mark shouting at you to open it.

Chapter 3:

Lisa: Hey gurlll! Jisoo: Hiya!! How are you gorgeous!! Y/N: Ohh PpPLEasE pfffttt. Hi guys! Mark: Byeee nuggets! You waved at Mark and left. You went to the mall with the girls and bought multiple things.

-TIME SKIP TO BEDTIME- toooo lazyyy to type ;))

Mark: Tomorrows your first day back! Are you nervous? Y/N: Nahhhh *you said confidently although on the inside you were endlessly shaking*. Suddenly you felt warm. Mark was hugging you. Y/N:???! Mark: Don't ever lie to me *he said softly* Don't keep it inside you, talk to me, I can't lose anyone anymore... You felt weak and fell to your knees, silently sobbing. His words hurt you cause you knew you were the cause of this in the first place. No one else is to blame except yourself... Mark hugged you even tighter. His hugs were the best, they were comforting.

Mark POV:

I hugged Y/N I didn't wanna lose her but I could tell she was lying to me. How can she not be nervous on her first day back to her old high school? suddenly I felt a weight on my shoulder. Y/N had fallen asleep. I picked her up and put her into her bed. Mark: Goodnight Y/N *kisses *forehead*.

Y/N POV:

You woke up. Suddenly you remembered what had happened the previous night. Mark... Does he still blame?

-FLASHBACK-

You woke up on the hospital bed, confused you asked the nurse what had happened. She told you everything... You started crying... You felt like screaming and then heard him shout. Mark: WHAT NO! WHY! WHY! *He was breaking down* He entered your room and said, “ I HATE YOU! YOU CAUSED ALL OF THIS! JUST DIE ALREADY” His words penetrated your heart. You felt like jumping off a bridge. He wanted you to die and he was the closest family to you after your mum died so when you heard him say that you were in utter shock. Your heart was beating too fast, you were feeling dizzy, tears were streaming down your eyes. Mark was forced out of the room and that's all you saw till you blanked out. One day you woke up and saw a nurse with a worried but excited expression. Nurse1: Miss you're finally awake! She hugged you tight* OH MY WE THOUGHT YOU WOULD EVER WAKE UP! Y/N: How long was I asleep for? Doctor1: Almost 2 weeks and we thought because of your trauma you would never wake u as your body started shutting down... Y/N: So I almost killed myself unknowingly? Nurse1: Kind of... yes... Y/N: Did anyone come visit me during this time? Doctor1: Yes a group of girls came and spoke to you every day with hope youll wake up and a boy came but he could never enter the room he always said that if you wake up to say that he was just upset he didn't want to hurt you and he never meant those words. But I'm not sure what he meant... Although the doctor and nurse had no idea you did. Mark didn't mean those words but you know he did. He had never spoken to you that way so you knew he was genuine.

- END OF FLASHBACK-

Mark: Y/NNN ARE YOU READY WELL BE HEADING OUT IN 15 MINUTES UNLESS YOU WANNA WALK! He shouted from downstairs. OK Y/N breathe everything will be fine! Your first day is going to be a good one! Y/N: COMINGGG

- TIME SKIP TO ARRIVAL AT SCHOOL- (too lazy to type) All eyes were on you. This is what you were wearing.

Everyone was in awe. Y/N: BYEE MARK! Imma go get my schedule! You left Mark and as you were running indoor you bumped into someone. Y/N: IM SO SORRY! ???: Do you ever watch were your going chubbs? The boy hugged you. Y/N: SAMUEL!? OMG, I MISSED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! Samuel: Me too chubsss!!! You and Samuel were childhood BFFs but after you left Korea you lost contact the only updates you got were through the girls. And the other way around the only updates they got was from the girls. Y/N: Wanna come with me to get my schedule? Samuel: Of course lets gooo! You went to the office and found out you had most classes except English and some other boring ones with Samuel. The bell rang and you went to your first class which thankfully was art. You entered the class and as before all eyes were on you. Teacher: New student! Please introduce yourself! Y/N: Hi I'm Y/N and I hope we can all be friends! You sat down next to Samuel and an empty seat. You took your sketchbook out and as you were about to open your sketchbook someone entered the class. They were almost late but as from their gasp for air, you could tell he ran to get here. He was probably running late. ???: Sorry miss I had to drop my little sis to her first day at kindergarten and she woke up late! He apologised and you could tell he was sincere. Teacher: Its ok Taehyung, just don’t let it happen again. She sad in a sweet tone. You looked at him... Do I know him from somewhere? You ignored your thoughts and drew. After half an hour or so the teacher asked you to show your drawing. You went up and showed the class your drawing. Everyone's jaws dropped. This is what you drew:

Teacher: Woah! It looks like we have another good artist in here! *Bell rings* Teacher: OK everyone please pack up. Y/N AND Taehyung please stay behind! You stay behind as the teacher asked you to. Teacher: Y/N this is Taehyung. Taehyng this is Y/N. You two are the best artists in this class so, Taehyung you already know this, but Y/N if I am ever in need of a student to represent our school in competition is going to be you two who will be picked for it. Is that ok?”You both nodded.”Well, then you're free to go unless you wanna say anything to each other...” Y/N: Hi I'm Y/N nice to meet you :)) Taehyung: Whatever... he said as he left the classroom but he accidentally pushed you as he turned around. You fell and were in utter shock. Why is he such a dick? He looked like such a sweet boy! W-w-wait co-could i-it be that he's jealous or is he afraid ill beat him? But I'm nowhere near his level! UGH, whatever. Teacher: OH MY! Y/N I'm so sorry he isn't always like this i dont know whats gotten into him ately. Hes been acting strange and coming late to cass... Y/N: its ok! Ill take my leave now see you next time teacher! You exit the class and head to lunch. As you enter the cafeteria you see four girls sitting at a table giggling. You go behind one of them and cover her eyes. Jennie: I know its you chubbs! she said as she smirked. Y/N: WHAT? HOW? Lisa: We have known you for over 9 years of course we would recognise you! Y/N: OH. Well how were your lessons? BP: They were fine! You? Y/N: Well, uhm-uh they were fine i guess... *they gave you stare which indicated that they knew you were lying- UGH FINE it was actually bad cause this guy is acting like a dick! HEs HES SO- You felt cold water down your back... TO BE CONTINUEDDDD

#bts #BTS jimin #bts ff #BTS jin #bts namjoon #bts yoongi #bts taehyung #bts jhope #BTS jungkook #bts fanfction

0 notes

coordinateswithpoison · 6 years

Text

I saw you tonight, at the movies with her... Rubi. at first i just seen you and i was happy at first but i knew i didnt want you to see me so right before i took a step back i saw her come right after you and i knew, ive always known but i was never mad. because i knew once you said “i need to know if i still love you” you no longer loved me and when you gave me false hope i tried to make it into something that was so much more and i only hated you for that, that and not having the balls to tell me what i already knew as well. but soon that anger disappeared just like how my memories of you started to disappear. i saw you smile and it was nice because i never seen you smile like that. i knew you didn't love me anymore after you found out what i found out and just did absolutely nothing and “pretended” to be sleepy. but what i left you with was peace from me and freedom. i strongly believe what we had is and finally done with. we are both moving on with our life and both seem to be doing good. i dont see us meeting up again because we live two completely different lives now and they don’t ever connect us to each other. this is the first time i started to think about you. and its crazy because i use to think about you all the time and now its only for this moment because i know after tonight i wont have the need to think of you. i dont ever see you so you wont ever pop back up. it was nice to see a glimpse of the old carlos that i once fell in love with, and now she is falling in love with. its nice to see you are moving on and that i need to too. i made really good friends that i see in my future where we all gather at each others houses for wine and a bible study. we’ve traveled so much already literally the past three weekends we have gone somewhere, recently just got back from austin and it was amazing! its always just the five of us and having that sets of friends who help and make sure you stay on your path that God has for us is really good. good for the soul. Oh we love PDC too, sammy man she’s active lol i think if we both met her you wouldve liked her to be my best friend shes helping me stay active myself and we go to workout sometimes but not a lot. Small groups and the guidence of my parents have really helped me through our break up through it all. i didnt want to write on here but the only reasons now that i type on here is because i know i won’t look back at this, once its typed and published im never going to see it again because i no longer have the need to be on tumblr anymore as much, granted i have my times (like tonight) but thats it. when i need to remember, truly remember i write in my journal and man my journal has made so much progress since i last seen you that i had to buy me another one lol. which reminds me the reason why i also dont think of you anymore is because i made sure you werent anywhere for you to remind me of us. i finally deleted the last picture of us on my phone. i took everything that i had of us or you in my apartment out and thrown away. theres some stuff at my parents house but only what i left behind and my parents were happy to pack it for me and store it away (i think thats what they did) i didnt go looking for it. tonight makes me wonder if you ever think of me (probably not) or if you ever look back at our stuff (probably not since its tucked away in the deepest of the darkness of your closet) it makes me wonder what you told her about me too which ive already known but have you told her about what you did too. granted it might not have been as much as me, but you’ve had your share of mistakes... its crazy that i cant think of what your voice sounds like or how you laugh now, or even your scent that i once always wanted to be around me. its crazy how much i dont know about you know. do you even look at my tumblr anymore or any other social media? i mean you cant either way but do you ever try to? its crazy how i finally remember about you and everything starts to flow through my mind. but time and only time will give us, me the answer and i think God has already been giving it to me i just havent been fully listening because its one that im not ready to hear but i know he and only him knows whats best for us. so carlos garcia II i hope you are enjoying life and i hope college is going great! congrats on graduating and i hope you succeed more in life! i hope she is everything you want in someone i hope she doesnt forget to vaule you and appreciate you. i hope you guys dont ever get a big bump in yalls relationship like we once did. no one needs to go through that and i know your family will love her! just like how i know you will. you will love her with everything you got because you know how blessed you are to have her in your life and you should be. but i dont know much about her or her past relationships but i just wish nothing but the best and i will pray for you guys. because if its fruitful than continue to create more fruit but also remember if its not brake that branch since it will only bring rotten fruits. just like you how did with me lol. jk but serious in a way. i love you carlos!

0 notes

chaoscrystals · 6 years

Text

Every note in my phone 19

Maybe I can speed up the present. All I can think about is how I'm going to dominate the art world. I guess that's kind of fucked up? I feel dizzy and like my blood sugar is low. My body must look so disgusting I'm always burping. I must be disgusting that's why Ariel never hits me up All I can think about is how I want an art empire that is accessible to people of all races and social classes And how I want this sandwich I'm about to go eat. I'm so much fatter than I was when I was 18 that's why Ariel never hits me up anymore!!! :(__(_((((( It's really not worth beating myself up over. Pretty sure I got a yeast infection from fucking him anyway. * Why does my back hurt so much why does everything hurt why is life pain. when have I gotten to the point where I can hold all my pain and all my ecstasy at the same time, for one moment and then the moment ends and I'm back on the train again trying to make time go faster. If I was decaying I would look like black and pus and torn flesh, strips of flesh covering what once was my body. She killed me and left me in the woods to die. Put me in the back of her trunk. Headlights were right blue. Righteous and it was..she thought it was good. I wasn't either dissatisfied, but isn't dying to hurt and be sad? I could spit black tar right here and people would probably just turn away in disgust, I could vomit up maggots, yeah girl its the same as it is for you too. I don't want you anymore he always wanted me. I'm taking you with me. Now we are dead. It came to me in a flash I had a divine vision. Of music. And being alone. * The boy means everything to me I got him in the corner of my sleeve, oh the bend of my elbow i lean on the table looking over at you I see the empty glass it magnifies you I'm ready I'm ready we're starting again, you're starting to break my heart again * Male exclusivity needs to die. Some men really can't be around women if they aren't fucking someone it seems. Ugh. Get away from me. Wake the fuck up. Sorry that everyone made us think that our bodies alone are sexual and need to be covered. I do so many non sexual things with my body. Americans can tend to being lethargic. I'm so angry * Im all caught in vines . sleeping time leaks the day its dripping in green and surrounding me. Phonetically speaking I think your words have more meaning than you realize Pick it up again inspired by my friends and I'm feeling feeling so good. Pack up your bags and take a vacation take yourself to rockaway * There's nothing special about me I bet you could compare me to any other girl in the world and id seem just the same, got a pretty face and her head isn't too bad either. And if you asked me today id say I don't think nothing special about me neither but id tell you what I know, that I'm the girl who would love you the most. * The praise on the water sought after colorful lights and pure tones Praise phoning in for a second chance in glasses cracked in the pavement red warring the light and wearing it as a disguise, praise be had, our Lord has grown old * Y stomach is too full its so full but I'm hungry and I don't have the energy to digest. I never needed to eat that much * So excited to be your own boss until the app doesn't give you work!! I'm gonna stop acting like I'm not doing things for a reaction or to make people think something of me. I am. Including playing music I am almost to the point where I dont have near anxiety attacks from eating around people. Proud of myself Taking kindness at surface level only is probably not going to cause any progress. Take all of me, baby. Even if I'm mean from time to time. I'm not okay with people's boundaries being broken in a monogamous relationship. But I don't really believe in monogamous relationships. Maybe I'm just cynical but it seems like there are too many rules. Or maybe it's all a ploy to lure guys in because they'll think I'm easygoing but I'm not I want to tell everyone every single one of my thoughts that sounds like a fun game * Jonathan is on my mind I've always had a craving for a good hearted musician and someone who will counter my unbalance, prince charming rides in on a horse, who brought the horse into the street who's mans is that? Are they getting with the plan do they understand or do you only like me because i have connections to new dimensions * I'm in love with nothing This haunting feeling Like I know what comes next I'm in love with nothing There's a hole in my heart when its growing apart it gets darker and smaller and I'm falling in love with you again * It isn't fair he will never hear me. He will never see me or understand me, when the mere sight of him sends me spinning away from anything easy to feel, I'm feeling so dreary one second and the next I got jets on my feet, flying over the moon cause I'm so in love with you * I just enjoy Jonathan is my whole heart!! One day he will know * Songs to write out Gracias a la vida Stormy weather Good morning heartache Lover man where can you be April in Paris * I want to tell people how hard my life is! * My song for you This is my song for you I like everything you do When I see you its like a cool breeze graced me with unending presently waiting pleasant and unchanging you seem stable to me, and I even like you when you're rocky. I like the lyrics I like the melody, you're like music, lets make a baby And live together In the city and very far. We can have two houses and even a car This is my song for you I like everything you do When I realized it was you Wrap it in red and a bow, kiss my head, after your show I know I can be a hard one to break, I've heard all these stories of heart break, what do I choose, what to listen, use or lose. But I know when I'm with you my dreams start coming true * Deep desires Understand the universe. Have someone accompany me in my sadness and despair. I want to come back together I want to feel enlightened I want everyone to feel goddamned enlightened I'm definitely willing to open up portals make everyone realize we are collectively manifesting our reality I want everyone in new York city to know my name nova luz, the body inhabited by us. She needs a companion. Lets get her a partner or two. * How do i really feel about the boys that I think I love? My Spanish tongue isn't too sharp....I wish...shit man, you just have to try harder to get it right. Laser mind. Not tonight. Michael is the name of an angel and no matter how hard I try or how much I'm thinking about Jonathan I still wonder about Michael and we spent more time together than Jonathan and I ever have. Fuck me. What are either of them up to? Why do neither of them talk to me. Haven't seen either one in weeks. I think I feel like I'm attached or in love. No matter how hard I try to forget...not trying hard enough you stupid fucking cunt! You're so fucking weak nova!. I wish someone knew how much I fucking hate myself sometimes I don't get why I just internalize this and nobody can ever know and its always a dead end fall off a cliff and snap your spine on the rocks before you drown and are pummeled by the waterfall FUCK. I think about them every day I wish I had a boyfriend, but malificence red lipped and hooded with festering infections on her skin, she's standing in the way, she's guarding the little red dog in my heart, the little puppy with forgetful parents, crying and underfed in an alley way alone, you only care about the way it looks. The loving puppy. Loving little dog I love you so much I love you no matter what even if you took a knife to my throat severed my veins and rendered my body a corpse I would still love you. Shit man that's fucking intense. That's a part of me that needs some help. The unconditionally loving part.....have I been deceived? I feel as though she has been deceived, and people always want to exploit her loving nature. This is the world I live in today. What if I wake up tomorrow on another planet? Is my boyfriend going to be there? If it was a planet with fruit orchards brightly colored things little houses and healthy atmosphere I would be down. Since I'm making it up, my boyfriend is there too. He loves me and we only need each other. I love him so much it fills me with fullness and vibrancy. He loves me so much. We spend most of our time together enjoying the planet, and sometimes we cook a big feast together for our friends and they come over and we all play music and drink wine * I guess now is an appropriate time to work on my issues with jealousy right? Actually...maybe ill wait What if it was a giant poetic metaphor? Green goop spilling from my heart and getting stuck in my pelvis..melting out of my pelvis out onto the floor. My physical my non physical. Non psychic but spiritual. Elephants from India are a shymbol for wealthy. And poor. Bread. Winning. Happy family. Sad family. Bread. Okay Maybe now I can work on my massive jealousy issues. Okay I'm going to start by listing scenarios that make me jealous Any female speaks to a boy that I like (level 10 code red situation) Someone's life looks shinier than mine Julia's in middle eastern vogue My friends have things that I want Other people have things that I want Other peoples bands are playing at cooler venues I am literally not a musician my name is Harriet and I never leave my apartment. Yo these sensory hallucinations are too much sometimes. That was a side note. I think my biggest issue is that when I am into someone in a romantic way, I get really upset when I see them talking to like, anyone of the opposite sex. Or of the same sex with Ursula. Or when someone is skinnier than me. Sometimes I get jealous cause of that which is not allowed because I am not allowed to have an eating disorder. Why is Julia getting so much attention while simultaneously being underweight and anorexic??? Noooo oh my god is she okay? Is everyone else okay?? Why is that allowed are you people fucking retarded? I can't do these things without having a million other thoughts. But I'm breaking the surface which is something. This is a deep fear for me I don't intend to leave unchecked. * I want somebody to love. I think writing all this sad lonely poetry can't be helping kts hard not to hate yourself sometimes. I wish someone was reading this. I really want a boyfriend so badly but I'm resisting it because in want it to be Jonathan so I'm waiting for him and ignoring everyone else.that's scary I don't know where he's at. He never talks to me. I want to smash glass bottles over his head for being so detached Fuck you!!! He never talks to him I mean me but I think about him pretty much every day.this hurts Why am I being like this? Lately everything I do is to get his attention. I want to cry. I hardly get any attention from him this is ripping me up inside.I just keep these fantasies in my head and I fall in love with them but it's an illusion I'm in love with an illusion. This hurts my chest. All I want is his attention and he isn't giving me any!!! I should turn around and walk the other way but I know I wont because I'm still in my fantasies that we are the same and that he gets weird crazy visions as well and that I was a part of his. I think I'm going to be wrong. My heart.. * I'm hitting the resin in my pipe again. And writing semi cohesive notes about my feelings. Am I using boys as a distraction from my problems? Why do I always want someone to hear the most insecure parts of me....I always always share my deep insecurities, like, first before we even get to know each other. What a weird kind of flirting style that's so weirded out by myself. Like, why? Do I not realize that most people are too in denial to accept insecurities in someone else? Especially in a package as cute as a nova. I have some pretty great ideas in my head..heart..butt..whatever...all of me......... Dot dot dot * Feeling A poem by nova luz palaquibay brener Written in September of 2017 I can feel everything. Mannequin pussy is famous they were in new York Times and rolling stone and a bunch of other big name publications. In happy for them. Not like when Julia's thing got famous. Even though I didn't spend a ton of time with any of these people, they changed my life. I still feel a little intimidated by that world, by the professional world and its cutthroat attitude. I don't really like it or want to participate. I just wanna have a nice apartment with a nice boy and wake up at 7 am every day. I still want to play rock music Its fun Mannequin pussy has that song where Marissa goes "I'm feeling it all I gotta get home I gotta get up" I'm feeling it all I'm feeling it all I just want to share a room with a nice boy and Rowan can come too And we can have small shows where we support each other for the things we love about each other and we still love each other when the other one is being an asshole. I don't like thinking of myself in a negative way. It feels bad. I'm very childish. I'm insecure that the things I do aren't big enough. That's stupid. I'm mad at my mom for always acting like everything was a huge deal. Like, nothing was ever just chill and normal everything was something. I'm childish inside * September 7 2017 Dear j boxer, There are actually several thousand things I would like to be saying to you, but I don't want to overwhelm you and lose you. Oh my god. You make me so nervous. Did you realize?at flowers for all occasions. I have never been more stressed out at a show in my life. I was hyper focused on what you might be thinking of me. I want to pour out all the imbalance I feel and you can watch it run down into the drains Yes I still think about that. And don't think that the only side of me is erratic and unbalanced and bad, everyone has so many sides. I know you think the way i play is interesting. I know I can play well. I feel like I am everything when I think about you. I think about you every day. Would you still love me when I am nervous and insecure? Love me like this or you'll never love me at all, you can only leave me if you don't love me like this, my all. My heart. Sometimes I get chest pains What do you think about me? My dream partner is someone I can put together shows with. but not ordinary shows. I don't know. But it would be something. I can envision my dream partner: active, healthy, compassionate, loving, open, creative, enjoys sex, kisses my neck. Is it fair to tell you this? Am I asking too many questions? Is it fair that I want to tell you all this but we haven't exchanged a single word in weeks? I can't explain it, its a feeling in my body, it feels so electrifying I don't ever want to stop. I'm sorry I have to test you so much. I can't help it. I think I'm like that with everyone. I wonder what you are doing now? If I said I wasn't feeling good would you sit with me in the park and put your arm on my shoulders? Even when my eyes are puffy and dry? * I don't know there's a vacuum in my heart and silver worms that live inside the vacuum, ever present resilient love the lasting energy in my blood, that they feed off of. Freed some space for their babies I know it couldn't be any other way, but sometimes I resent my mother for leading me to believe this. Because my religion is based in pain, my suffering will cleanse my sins and if you don't know then you must be unclean, I got to tell you how I see it. Everyone is looking at me Cause there's maggots in my heart, I can feel them squirming around, I can feel the top shell of muscle straining to get ahead of them to get on top of them, maggots squirming around in my heart, eating my muscles. My mind is unfocused. All I can see is misery. But its okay. The lord wants me to be this way. With a red-skinned entity hanging onto my shoulders and telling me "no, don't go there, you dog". Maggots in my heart. Maggots eating my heart * September 8 2017 Dear Jonathan Hi, how are you? Its been a couple of weeks since we last met. I am pretty much still the same. Hopefully I'm going to get a job teaching kids! Maybe one day you will fall in love with me. What have you been thinking of since I last saw you?do you want to tell me? Do you think about me? Do you want to hold hands? Can I kiss you in the dark on the street? Can I kiss you in front of people? I'm trying really hard not to take things too fast. Part of me really believes you and I are the same person. I really like how you make me feel..I always think about what it would be like to fuck you again. I really want to. I think I will. But there's one thing I'm wondering. Like what kind of relationship do you want? Do you like the idea of having me around or is this like "ill see you when I see you" No it can't just be fine I have insane feelings about you I need to know. I can be fine with what you want..I just want to know I'm not gonna hurt myself falling for you when I don't need to. If I'm just living on the promise of what I think you and I could be, I need to know if I'm right, right? Oh shit this doesn't sound good I'm spiraling into a panic. Oh god. Just tell me if you want to be with me!! Sorry I kind of get these intense insecurities. Then I like to wallow in them. Love me? Hah. To not end this letter on a sad desperate note, I will say the following: I like how you look I think you are very handsome, I like how you sing and play even when you lose your focus you sound amazing to me, I want to kiss you all over be naked with you and have my chest against yours, and feel your arms. I hope you don't mind me saying I love you and that I have a lot of love for you in my heart because I am insatiably attracted to you, and I also think you are kind but distant, and I think you are very loving and radical in your ideology, but you aren't annoying and liberal and show-offy about it. I like how much you know about music and music history, I think you are really smart. I want to kiss you all over. I feel so passionate when I think about you. It feels like you live in my heart and that's why I love you. I really really want to tell you. I don't know what could happen I just need to fuck you. I want you so badly, body and soul and mind. * August 9 Honey I want to marry you I love your sweet and bitter tastes Even on your sour days You make me believe That all my desires can be mine And I know my heart is true When I'm near you Yes I may have immense pools of jealousy, but honey, its nothing to me, when you bring me back home In a sentimental way, I say, oooooohhh you're too good for me The way we play together Like in our youth I feel like our life is a union, oh know honey I want to be true to only you We spend our days rushing around But I dream of a night where, without a sound I can slip into bed next to you, and you will hold me close, you're then the only other person I need to know, you're my everything Oh my honey I love you, you know I do, I would spend my days working for you, because I do love all the things you do And at night when the moods right, ill look into your eyes and say my sweetie, you know I love you.

0 notes

forever-his-bride · 7 years

Text

Our Journey to Parenthood

We're Expecting!

What next?

I wanted to log our journey to parenthood because it started long before we took a positive pregnancy test. It is amazing how God prepares your heart to become a parent. Timing is always perfect when God is in control and looking back on our married life together we can see God's hand in preparation for this new chapter of our lives.

We got married in March of 2013. On mother's day of that same year we believed there was a chance I could be pregnant. I remember crying on the couch in our tiny little apartment thinking there was no way I was ready to be a mother. I called byron and asked him to pick up a pregnancy test on his way home. Immediately my mind began to race. We had so many things we wanted to do as a young married couple. We had even made a list of all the places we wanted to go and the adventures we had hoped to take before we would become parents. We were enjoying being newlyweds and I laid there processing how much our lives would change if our suspicions were true. Byron came home from work that night with a three pack of pregnancy tests. He hugged me for a long time and said either way we would be just fine. The test was negative and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Fast forward several months. December of 2014 we were heading to Disneyland- one of the places on our list of things to do before babies. We had almost been married for 2 years and we had accomplished so many things that we wanted to before we would become parents. When unpacking in our room in anaheim, I realized that I had forgotten my birth control pills. For a minute I went into panic mode. I think we were both equally freaking out that I would not have my pills for more than a week. But the more we talked about it, the more it made sense. The past two years had been so amazing and we were about to go on one of the last trips on our before baby list. So we decided we would not prevent pregnancy anymore. We trusted that God's timing was perfect and when it was time we would have a baby!

Little did we know how long that process would drag on. Our focus shifted at some point. At first we weren’t “preventing it” but that quickly moved to we wanted it so bad. Mother's day rolled around again in 2015 and we weren’t pregnant. Lots of pregnancy tests had been taken and so many false tests had made it hard to believe that we would ever become pregnant. I remember being sad on mothers day for a completely different reason. I wanted to be a mother. I hadn't really told anyone that because I didn’t want the outside pressure of people knowing we had been trying for a baby. Of course we got questions all the time about when we would be having babies. We played aloof like we werent even trying- weren’t even sure we would want that. Deep down both of us wanted to be parents. Both of us questioning if we could conceive. And now both of us beginning to question God's timing.

So we made other big kid decisions and we bought a house. July of 2015 we officially became homeowners. 3 bedrooms- 2 bathrooms- perfect scenario to start a family. We thought maybe this was the step we needed to take so that we could grow our little family. And of course more people started asking when we would start trying to have babies. It felt too shameful to tell people that we had been “trying” since December of the previous year.

We faced plenty of other obstacles. That same summer that we bought a house, Byron was working Cal Fire and gone for the majority of the summer. This caused plenty of stress and border-line resentment because I thought this was one of the reasons we were unable to make a baby.

Later that fall we got a dog. The dog gave us something to care for together and alleviated some of the pressure we had been putting on ourselves to have a baby. She took so much time and energy that we were all consumed with our new puppy for probably 6 months.

In 2016 we genuinely considered the fact that we may not be able to have children. I asked my doctor if there was a chance I had anything that might prevent me from getting pregnant. She said she did not see why I couldnt conceive. We never had official tests done because we werent quite ready for the answer to that.

We geared up for another cal fire season and I was terrified. I thought there was no way we would get pregnant that summer since we had already gone through this and it caused so much stress and strain on our marriage. I had a conversation with my cousin that summer about my fears and my sadness about us not being able to conceive at that point. She gave me fantastic perspective and simple advise on what to do if this is really something we wanted. I wont get into it but one of the biggest things I was told was to relax. That helped a lot. Anybody who has ever wanted to have a baby can understand the pressure you start putting on yourself and your spouse that its not a relaxing experience. For a woman, we feel somewhat responsible for the negative pregnancy tests because its our bodies that dont seem to be able to carry a child.

I took so many pregnancy tests it was crazy. We got very used to the negative tests that we started expecting it. I think I finally gave up. We knew that come the end of this year, byron would be laid off from cal fire once again and we werent sure what his next steps would be any way so we thought maybe it wasnt the right time for us to have a baby.

November of 2016 was different. Although every month since we had started trying to have a baby, I felt “different” this moth was truly different. We spent thanksgiving with my in laws and I knew my body felt strange but I didnt let my mind wander too much because I had believed this several other times. I was “late” but that had happened several other times as well. So I told byron when we got home we would need to take a test. So we got home Friday night, and saturday morning we went out and bought pregnancy tests. My emotions were everywhere. When we got home I took the test. We let it sit for a minute and returned to the test like we had so many times before and for the first time we saw the word “pregnant” appear on the test. Immediately I had tears streaming down my face and we embraced. It was like time stopped for a bit. It was exciting, unreal, crazy, wonderful, unbelievable and so many other things. I ran to get a onsie I had been saving for byron that said “rad like my dad” and we started crying all over again.

Naturally I wanted to be sure so I took another test that we had just because I was in disbelief and it said “not pregnant” Our excitement was dashed. Our joy was gone. Confusion and sadness set in. my parents came over for dinner that night and I was just crushed. I told my mom I had taken a test that day that revealed we were not pregnant. So I tried to sip on a cocktail although I hated the way it tasted.

Later that night I sent a text to my cousin and told her about our emotional day. She wrote back and told me I was pregnant. I told her there was no way. Test said no. she said my hormones would be stronger in the morning and I should try again.

The next morning I was borderline depressed. I didnt want to get out of bed to relive the sadness of the negative pregnancy test. We had plans that day to get our christmas tree that day with a few friends. I considered not taking it but finally I decided to get up and get it over with. And to our surprise, it was positive! As were the 3 we took after that. The rest of the day was a blur. I just remember holding my stomach and thinking how amazing it was that we had finally made a baby.

It still took a while for it to set in. The disbelief continued as we experienced bleeding in the first trimester and other things that gave us doubt. But here we are- im 39 weeks pregnant and we are anxiously waiting for our baby girl to arrive. Im so grateful for God's perfect timing.

0 notes