#i feel like i am mentally starving

[ganondoodle]

i kept trying to draw anything, literally anything but i feel like the little package of skill i have build myself just fell and scattered across the floor, anytime i try to grab ahold of a piece of it it slips through my fingers like wet soap

on days like these i wish i had been smart enough to be anything else but a mediocre artist, but im not, im not even smart enough to be decent at the only thing i call myself to be able to do, im never going to be able to draw like i want to and i struggle to make peace with it

#ganondoodles talks #i hate hate hate feeling like this #this ... utterly helpless worthlessness #the world is shit and turnign shittier by the second and i cant even find refuge in the one thing i can do #i know i know dont trust what you are feeling after 9 pm bla bla #i have had ups an downs but this far i havent fallen in a long time #i am nothing without art #and i cant even do that #however much it doesnt matter anyway #i feel like i am mentally starving #i know this feeling will pass #but i still feel it right now #i feel like im being ungrateful towards the many people that have answered my previous post too bc i couldnt even do a single silly little- #-thing #i cant even put into words what it feels like #overstimulated brain explode egotistical feeling of worthlessness in a world that doesnt care about human life or creativity #meaningless #im going to bed and will be embarrassed about this when i wake up #but it still feels so very real right now #wasting time and tears

[wickershells]

god i feel so stupid all the time like i am far too unintelligent for every discussion i have and i am such a crybaby over it. people mildly and fairly correct me or word something much more eloquently and concise and beautiful than i ever could or even just read something id been meaning to for a long time and instantly i spiral into self-worthlessness. and years ago this feeling motivated me into reading more, researching more, writing more etc. so that i was always aspiring to level with people & be an equal but now i feel paralysed by it!!! all i want to do is curl up into a ball and weep and never talk to anyone ever again. am i destined forever to be a small vulnerable wounded child. who is just so so so dumb. how do i get over this

#i know i just have to wrestle and kick my way back to how it used to be where i power through the feeling and better myself #but it is just so hard when i constantly feel inferior in every way. i think my problem is that ive felt this way for so long that it has #kinda broke me and now all i think is “what's the point? everyone is always gonna be smarter than me so what's the point?” #might as well starve myself of conversation because i am never going to feel adequate enough to be having them. it is so weird #and the ferocity is rooted in all my other mental baggage i think. constantly looking for reasons i shouldnt be here and this just gets #added to the list. especially doesnt help when i am convinced my friends dont like me and would rather be talking to anyone else. man #this feeling is truly getting unbearable ive never felt so insecure and inferior in terms of my intelligence in my entire life. and its #been pretty bad before! what do i do what do i do what do i do. ughhhhhhhhhhh #it adds to my persistent feeling of stagnancy. everyone gets better everyone gets smarter everyone moves forward and i am here #vent #mine

[sleepvines]

when things get green I gotta visit the park or take a bus somewhere I swear...

#looking through old pics #there was so much. life. back home #if I ever make it back to BC with my friends in tow I will be eternally fucking grateful #I'd share some of them but they feel too personal #the pacific northwest is forever part of what I am and will never leave me #and constantly I'm so starved of what I once had #its too dry and asphalt and concrete and city city city all the time #there are nice places like the park. but it's so small and confined #it isn't even a shred like home #just idly venting here which isn't great but agghh I need to make more woods and mountain and water art or I'll be very sick #sleep rambles #context I moved to toronto and it was the right call for my mental health but i had to leave my whole world behind

[bigkickguy]

1. I play a game

2. I check the workshop

3. My fav is not there

4. I make a mod

#kickdraw #yesod #wip mod for dont starve together #i have the character template working i am just figuring out how i want him to look haha #i'll finish the visuals first but i feel like i don't have a strong enough understanding of dst to balance a gameplay mod #i might try if i get bored or inspired though #i honestly was thinking of a series of weapons that have a higher chance to drop emotion coins out of enemies the lower your hp #then use those coins in crafting to make ego equipment? #i think i'd be silly if they could heal some super small hp off of paper too hakdjfhadg #they are BOOKS! get those pages!!! #entire cast of ruina sitting around a campfire in the dark eating paper is such a funny mental image

[13eyond13]

honestly number one tip for everything like blogging or making friends or whatever is just make other people feel genuinely valued and seen

#i have had a lot of people sort of ask me about this on tumblr over the years and thats the biggest thing i notice #people are usually starved for attention hahaha everybody here wants the same thing #dont do it manipulatively or whatever but honestly you want to be around the people who make you feel good and interesting and welcome #so ask them about their interests compliment them on their talents tag them in things invite them to groups #they'll probably like you if you like them first #it's something i have had to reteach myself recently in my depression struggles as well #i am making myself seek out people and trying to show them i value them and speak their love languages to them #instead of just waiting for them to come to me #because relationships are two way streets and most of them have struggles of a similar nature and social anxieties and whatnot as well #it's definitely been one of the best things for improving my mental health #to stop thinking of it as what can i get from other people and instead think of it as what can i do to show them i care #you can get just as many good feelings from making someone else's day as you can from somebody making yours #p

[katpurrccino]

if anyone who’s in school or starting school ect ever decide to take a non-academic course as a break, just don't unless you got rich parents paying your way or access to money or something then go hog wild do what you want I found out that wind ensemble didn’t ever count for full credits and now I'm 3 credits off from graduating and I am so displeased by this that I could rip my tits clean off

my degree’s basically being held ransom behind 1(one) dumb and silly option course. So yea Don't be me ever my life is frankly in shambles and I am losing the game Hard rn.

#I was briefly homeless and in the hospital earlier this month bc I was starving and my health is in the dumper I can't afford this bs rn #genuinely I am so mentally checked out over school #and noone told me non academics are half the credits lmao. #literally I got all my degree requirements for both my bsc and minor i just need grad credit. i can take anything but I dont WANT to #you feel me?? id still be like adios 🚶‍♀️ over this even if I did have the money not having the money is just an extra gut punch

[thefiresofpompeii]

it’s that time of night again lads

#i am ACHING to DO something to FEEL something real #music doesn’t do it anymore. im listening to everything in my library and feeling nothing. so fuckibg empty #might go to a show of some punk band i don’t listen to. poser for the thrills. go int he pit. im craving physical #contact. i want someone to beat me up or fuck me really hard or both or something #but im too fucking ugly for dating apps and too fucking nervous to attend any…events. #but im literally like. starved for corporeal sensation i feel like a ghost #and mental stimulation too. but no intellectual or spiritual or emotional shit is affecting me anymore #and tmi but ive discovered i can’t even c*m on these pills #driving me up the WALLSSSSSSS please someone give a reason to run #might sign up for some extreme sport. or something #i don’t even do drugs but it feels like i need a tolerance break. from WHAT though?? phone? phonebad??? #jamie.txt

[that-foul-legacy-lover]

me: i will!!! get some writing done today!!!!

the Headache: oh? oh you thought? you thought that? oh i’m sorry what if i just stop you right there :)

me: >:(

#hush n shush wifi #not brainrot #agony (physical and mental) #i am so sorry my writing pace has slowed down i feel so bad #i will do my best to get more done today but then next week is going to be hellishly busy #maybe if i can't finish this full length fic i'll do some headcanons.... #i feel like i'm starving you guys i'm sorryyyyy #half of my brain is consumed by Foul Legacy the other half is consumed by Limbus Company #and it leaves me -2 space to actually write this is infuriating >:(

[abby420]

i jus know somethin wrong wit me mentally when i start seriously finding this man attractive

#HELP #my mental health 📉 #my attraction for tom wambsgans 📈 #he’s so fine !!! #but he’s also so odd #i am also extremely sleep deprived and starving and in my last few semesters of undergrad and stressed about not making it to grad school #and i have like 5 trips i’m planning that i feel so unprepared for #and i am just generally depressed bc i have to live in the ugliest part of nc after growing up on one of the most beautiful beaches on the #east coast #and i have no friends #the only thing giving me a sliver of joy rn is thirsting over tom wambsgans #anyway #tom wambsgans

[rotturn]

.

#actually i think this trip was the worst possible thing for my mental health #glad everyone else is having fun ig but i dont think they realize how severely this is ruining our relationships #i will not be talking to my sister for a Long While after this trip #and i think it will take. a long time for me to emotionally recover and thats assuming i have the time to do that #which i wont bc the moment i get back life is gonna hit hard and im either gonna find a job immediately #or im gonna starve and not be able to pay rent so #negative cw #anyway i am at the lowest point ive been at in a long time and it makes me feel worse to think about it #because i know what an amazing opportunity this is and i feel awful for being sad and hating every second #i wish the trip never happened. would've been better that way #i knew it was gonna be rough but i didn't think it'd be this bad #genuinely haven't been this bad in like 6 or 7 years and i have none of my usual coping mechanisms or comforts

[void-tiger]

Actually…? No. Tell me the odds. I need the likelihood of success and got nothing else to lose might as well try even if extremely unlikely. Because I need help sustaining the hope that everything’s gonna be okay and motivation to get there that I just can’t do for myself without burning out almost completely.

#tiger’s musings #mental health bullshit #…I am just. overwhelmed #by not knowing how to make this work #and being unable to beat the ED keeping me from taking the two steps that I DO know exist #because…I need a moral support body double. and one who won’t get disgusted as my lid flips the whole time I try to do this #and…I just can’t see someone WANTING to MAKE time for me. a small pocket. for us to both relax and catch our breath and enjoy eachother #I’m tired of ‘oh we’re totally friends Tiger!’ but. are we tho? #you set time aside for friends to either just. talk. share memes. or hang out no matter how infrequently #guess my love language really IS quality time #in addition to being very touch starved for Platonic Human Intimacy #and a side of acts of service. because…my chronic illness(es) force me to rely on others #beyond ‘I’d scratch your back if asked. can you please return the favor sometime so I don’t feel used.’ #…I’m just. I’m tired. I’m tired of giving out love platonically and feeling Liked but Disregarded #while things also falling apart when I’ve either decided to leave or have to leave due to neutral circumstances or because I’m hurting #I…feel like I’m being Expected to be the one to reach out…again…over Just a misunderstanding #but if I do. it has to be with ‘look I KNOW we miscommunicated but THIS is what hurt me and I NEEDED That acknowledged or clarified’ #but…the circumstances that led to the method being blamed for this miscommunication still. y’know. exist #so…what’s the point

[featherymainffins]

Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.

#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread #because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food #all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself' #I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real #or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the #2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it #because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming #that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible #but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever' #or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow. #show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased #like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours #my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days #and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity #feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all. #at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its #consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces #immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care. #i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight #also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.' #they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try. #like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars #and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people #even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me #or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound

[no-one-hears-me]

wow I really am terrified of gaining weight

#ed tw #idk what my motivation for all of this is #I've considered that I want to look sick and like. make my mental problems visible #but I'm actually very embarrassed about this and hide it. I get uncomfortable if people ever mention my eating habits #it's not really for looks bc I understand that being such an unhealthy size isn't attractive? at least when it involves unhealthy methods #makes me look like a sickly little corpse #also I lose a lot of muscle mass bc of this which is sad bc I like lifting weights. but I ruin all my work and progress #ik a common ed theme is control but I've never really related to that tbh #I also think it could just be a weird form of perfectionism since I'm just worried about numbers but idk #bc I still think I look too fat and that's not just numbers #but ig it still could be me striving for perfection overall and that includes both numbers and appearance?? but idk #what I know is that I feel accomplished for not eating. losing weight makes me really happy #gaining weight makes me upset even though ik it's just water retention and whatever. not actual weight gain #I just don't wanna see the scale number go up #I've been doing this for years and I still don't understand why. none of my psychoanalysis attempts have given a solid answer #maybe I'll understand eventually #except starving destroys your brain function. no wonder I can't figure out my reasons for this 😭😭😭 #so like. I've never actually recovered but I am way funnier and cooler in my moments of partial recovery #that makes me sad too bc I don't wanna eat but I can't deny its benefits #Sera