#mental health bullshit

[void-tiger]

…I think a lot of adulthood is just letting your inner child tantrum and cry and be angry and grieve with them. Nobody soothed you as a child. So as an adult you soothe yourself.

#tiger’s musings #mental health bullshit #trauma recovery #childhood trauma #school bullying #religious trauma #for me it was bullying. nonstop constant bullying and never being soothed. just made to feel Bad because the adults decided I’m worth less #then church lessons that legit groomed kids (especially girls/women) to feel worthless and ‘turn the other cheek’ #when to be frank: the og audiences were men. men with at the very least gender power. sometimes social power or wealth #for others it’s That and/or unstable homes vs highly critical or emotionally unsupportive parents #but yeah. it all leaves a mark on your psyche. which takes Time to heal from

[bananafire11]

small announcement ->

Due to some shit that's happened irl and my mood being so up and down these last few weeks, i think I'll mostly be posting doodles for a bit. I think all the bullshit has hit a climax and honestly all I wanna do is sleep, but I've been keeping myself busy. I could also be a bit inactive. I'm so all over the place and I think I just need to take it easy so probably won't have any finished drawings out for a while. doodles will most likely be abundant cuz doodling is something that distracts me from the bad, so expect more of those. Don't be afraid to request or anything, I WILL get to them and older requests sitting around eventually. in the meantime, take care guys

#banana brain blurbs #mental health bullshit

[kareenvorbarra]

had a little mental breakdown today

related to my "anxiety about death so debilitating that i think about it constantly and have trouble enjoying anything at all" bullshit from when i was 10, and when i was 15 (with occasional flare-ups during high school)

i had an episode of this about seven months ago, prompted by basically nothing as far as i can tell (i can never identify specific triggers because most of the time i'm engaging with death a normal amount in fiction and real life, and i go for years at a time enjoying tragic stories without them giving me near-panic attacks) and it tapered off after a couple of weeks, and i've had some bad days since then where it felt like it was sort of simmering beneath the surface, but today it fucking got me again

it's hard to know what to do when this happens besides distract myself...today i cried a lot and talked to my wife about my fears, which did help me calm down in the short term, but if i dwell on it too much it can make things worse

it's really frustrating on every imaginable level because honestly my life is going great right now, it's very stable and enjoyable and my frustrations are relatively minor, and i'm young and healthy and i have so much to look forward to, but just at this moment i'm fucking miserable! and since death is inevitable and genuinely quite scary, it's hard to talk myself down from the fear (which is specifically a fear that i will cease to exist - i don't believe in hell so eternal suffering is not really an issue for me)

yet i can't let myself be consumed by it, or my beautiful life that i am so afraid of losing is going to be miserable! and i have lived the majority of my almost 30 years not thinking about this constantly - it's just these brief periods of very intense dread that, when i'm in them, feel like they could never possibly end.

#mental health bullshit #i feel like this needs a cw but idk what. existential dread #personal

[promiseiwillwrite]

Try

When I look out across the harbor

And I feel the wind running before the dawn

Rousing thrush in arbor

As the morning comes on

I touch the rope along the pier

I feel them both, the hope and fear

And I know my time is near.

So I feel the loud quiet of resolve. I feel the disquiet of motivation. I am feeling brave. And angry. And that is the most dangerous combination. I feel like I have chosen reclaiming as my work for this year.

I abdicated some of my desires, and I think I learned a great deal from that, not all of it good. The last was that there aren't any universal signals from your body that allow you to know anything for sure. I was told that all my life, that this is how you "know" a thing. And it never felt objectively different to me than any other body feeling.

I love magic. I love my connection to the land, and animals and my gods, but there is a large wide place for skepticism in my life. A place required of me by my trauma that abhors "magical thinking" and the thought errors that it entails. Things about my suffering being uniquely bad, and things in my mind that try to continually justify bad faith in myself and those who care for me that are just not logical.

I think the work I started last year must continue, but in a different framing.

I think there will be magic, and fruit. I think there will be conversations and Gods. I think there will be sex and care and sweat and the lifting of heavy things.

I am going to take up space, and it is going to be at least as uncomfortable as trying to be small has made me.

#mental health bullshit

[little-flame-prince]

I had too much fun with this picrew haha. Me and some of the brain crew.

Me, Arin, Mallak, Claude, Lily, L-, Rose, Elizabeth, Hannah, Zuri, Fawn. Mostly the girls because there's usually more fun options for them in picrews, and a lot of the guys are more awkward to portray for various reasons.

#me Claude and L- holding the line for the boys haha #and technically arin too but i did arin in femme form so #mental health bullshit #but in like a fun way this time #slutprince.info #arinposting #mallakposting #claudeposting #lilyposting #little league cringe boy factory

[vuutarros]

Ugh what is going on with my brain?!

Last night was a towering inferno of rage, and now tonight is a bottomless chasm of depression?

I want off this fucking ride 😭

#cait's adventures #mental health bullshit #fuck my brain #i just wanna not feel a lifetime's worth of a single emotion each night #like i dunno maybe find some fucking happy medium? #fuck it im going to bed

[mellomadness]

I took my adderall a little too late for class today and now. I have completely repotted a bush, rearranged and fully trimmed and harvested all my herbs, did fucking bug control on one of them and put it in quarantine, and now I’m sitting here trying to convince myself to play sims bc my mind is exhausted but my body is WIRED

#whoops #okay so I took the extended release like a dumbass #but only bc I was already in class when I was taking it and I thought I brought my quick release and nOPE #but it was law and I NEEDED to focus #so. sacrifice was made #now I am a very tired person caring for a body that has toddler energy #MelloMoans #mental health bullshit #adhd

[fireladybuckley]

Feeling distinctly unloved and unlovable today

#don’t mind me #bad day #don’t reblog please #body image #rsd #super fun #tbd #mental health bullshit

[aloy-sobek]

The hardest pill I've had to swallow while on my trauma recovery path and while healing is, I'm disabled. There is no cure and unmasking during the healing process has made me less able to integrate into capitalistic society but I'm happier person.

I have somatic, episodic (although very rare now) and emotional flashbacks. They come with symptoms that make people uncomfortable.

I rock when I'm stressed and need special ear buds to eat at restaurants. I get stressed around crouds and loud noises. I have fidget supplies and stuffed animals in my back pack to help me stay grounded. And when things are bad I can loose my ability to speak full sentences.

I fawn and freeze when I think I'm in trouble and lash out defensively when feeling protective of myself and my surroundings.

My panic attacks comes with hysteria, rocking, clawing at myself, disorientation, and hallucinating.

I have psychosis. I hear things I don't. Smell things I don't. See shadow men, and sense people standing behind me when no one is there.

I get startled easily and emotionally disregulated.

And all of this is just my CPTSD. I still have ADHD symptoms that I've unmasked. I'm learning to heal and live with these things and I'm okay??? I have people who are okay with it to.

The horrid realization nothing was ever really wrong with me. I wasn't a bad child. I wasn't misbehaving. I didn't need punishment or stricter rules. I wasn't being stubborn, rude or difficult. I was disabled this whole time. I was in need of healing this whole time. I needed love and accomodations and compassion and understanding. And so so many adults failed to give that to a child.

I'm not happy there is no cure. But I am a happier person when the people in my life happen to still care when I'm showing symptoms. I'm happier knowing what my symptoms are and how to help them. I'm annoyed I'm 31 and just now learning this.

#cptsd #mental health bullshit

[void-tiger]

…what does it say about me that I will literally walk myself through hell for someone I love so long as I can hold onto the assurance that they love me back, anyway.

#tiger’s roar #mental health bullshit #…cptsd is a bitch. this whole situation is. a fucking bITCH. #the only variable that can change…is feeling like I’m setting myself on fire #to try to heal. just to see you again. #because the only alternative is to Not Go #and never see you. basically lose you #which. you’re gonna hate. you’re gonna hate it that I’m gonna do this #but. the only other alternative is. to literally not attend church #…and then never get to see you. either I fight through this and attend. or I don’t #but yeah. I feel Absolutely Wretched just. mentally poking at this. not even stepping foot there yet #but. there IS no other option. and we both know it #and I love you more than I am afraid. I can’t NOT try to see this through. can’t NOT try to heal best I can #but…I feel mentally and physically terrible. and this is just poking at it. to try and see how much work has to be done #…uh. a lot. a lot of work.

[gayjaytodd]

oh what so now I can't stop sleeping and eating for a full week without getting depressed and feeling sick? wtf is this honestly g-d for-fucking-bid queers do anything

#jay talks #mental health bullshit #yes yes I have issues I know whatever #doc (and my rabbi) said to not fast for Yom Kippur bc 'it will be bad for your mental health'

[kareenvorbarra]

today was up and down but overall i'm the most anxious i've been in a long time! not sure what to do about this other than ride it out and try to distract myself from the things that make me spiral

#mental health bullshit

[promiseiwillwrite]

Bad Stuff

Disclaimer: This post is about some Really Rough experiences I had here on Tumblr while I was trying to come out from under the Rock. I was trying to reach out and interact in a community where I didn't know the established rules of etiquette, and I learned them the hard way. They had major consequences for me and my path as a witch, and I am just now sorting this shit out and trying to repair the damage. I was gatekept and treated cruelly for making mistakes, and I didn't know any better. The culture on Tumblr is very different from the culture in which I was raised, (80s and 90s Kentucky) so it was quite difficult to adjust. So read at your own risk.

One of the first things that happened was that I became accidentally involved in a flame war with a person who called me "ableist" before I knew what that even was. It sent me into a 6 month depression where I did a LOT of internal work and thought deeply about how I perceive humans with different levels of intelligence. I adjusted my views about human validity surrounding intelligence, and I solidified my observation that the human who called me out was being exceptionally Mean and Shitty about it to me and a bunch of other people. They were right that me calling anyone "stupid" or "an idiot" is ableist use of language. However, they were Very Wrong in their approach and assumptions about me. I DO care about people, and my views ARE something I actively seek to adjust in the face of new information. I also have Moral OCD, so I self-punished harshly in the face of this new information, for a Lifetime of thinking badly of other humans for various reasons connected to their perceived level of intelligence. I did eventually bring it back around, however and realize that no difference in level of intelligence, real or perceived was any excuse for being mean and shitty to others. Calling out bad behavior is important, but you can do that without being mean or shitty. And it turns out that how I really feel is that I have a problem with people choosing to be mean and shitty, and not with their level of intelligence. I had just Falsely correlated the two things, and now I do not.

Not long after that, I experienced the Discourse on Lillith for the first time. I had never worked with Lillith. It didn't apply to me at all. But I could see how some humans, for whom this entity had been an important part of their practice and lived experience, finding out for the first time that this entity was closed might have had some thoughts and feelings about that. I did not engage in Any of these conversations. I didn't have a dog in the fight. But I felt very bad for people who had been working with this entity for years who were being called appropriative. What do you DO about something like that? What if you've called Lillith your Patron for a Decade, and then a bunch of people tell you you are Completely Wrong and Out of Bounds? I can't imagine that is something where you can just go, "Oh, My bad." and stop. Plus, there were a lot of people being VERY MEAN about it.

It was about this time that I realized some very important adjacent things about the way I was raised, and the stories I had been told about my Native American Heritage. According to what my Grandmother said, my Great Grandmother was the daughter of a Choctaw Chief. I had been raised with great pride in that heritage. But I had been raised as a White Girl. I've never been to a reservation. I've never known anything of the culture of the tribe, or anything but stories of my Great Grandmother. So when my mother incorporated Native American traditions/practices into her religious beliefs and practices, it seemed right and natural. We went to Native American Gatherings, invitation only events two states away. I helped build a medicine wheel on Black Mountain. I talked with Grandmother Joy Earthwalker about what it meant to be a Beaver person... A builder and a Story Teller. I was still a punk-ass little white freak girl, but this was a part of my life and my belief system... Until I encountered the Lillith discourse and thought Deeply about appropriation for the first time.

And standing in the Forest out on the peninsula in Washington, I very painfully decided that in all honesty, I had no right to that part of my practice. The thing that had resonated so strongly with me was the connection to the land, and plants and animals. I had no idea how I was going to give all that up. It was SO deeply fundamental to the core of my being. But if that part of my belief was Stolen and Harmful to an oppressed people I decided I would rather die than be that way. And I guess I did... When I gave it all up I was depressed for months. It took a lot of talking with people to come to the conclusion that animist perspectives did not have to be "Native American", but were instead present in paradigms all over the world, Many of which were decidedly open. So I didn't have to give up connection to the land, and plants and animals. I just stopped thinking of it as a Native American way, and started thinking of it as My way. My observations. My connections. And I felt better eventually.

But not before I ran into the most painful discourse of all. The folks who were bashing godspouses got to me the worst. I have had a very intimate relationship with my patron since I was 10 years old. Because of my Plural Internal Architecture, I interacted with my Patron Deity on a very personal level, and as a part of myself. I understood that this deity was a deity, AND ALSO a part of me. And it was confusing as hell. And it was very different, necessarily, from the experiences that many people described, but also similar in some ways. Over the course of my relationship with my Patron, the interactions changed immensely with time. They were a psychological outpicturing of me trying to make sense of my life and my environment, which was often very poor. The relationship at times was incredibly unhealthy, because I was unhealthy. I was a product of that environment, and my thoughts and beliefs were full of distortions that were the product of abuse and neglect. However, my relationship with my Patron was, many times, the most positive, most consistent, predictable, safe relationship in my life. The relationship I had with Him saved my life, and kept pointing me out of my depressions. He Always tried to make my life better. Always tried to Ease my suffering. Always tried to help me to be a better, more resilient being.

And then the antis told me that I shouldn't have an unhealthy parasocial relationship with a god, because why would a god, who in my patron's case and in their eyes wasn't even a god, want to have anything like that with an insignificant human person. They told me wanting it was disgusting and disrespectful. It was projecting what I wanted onto a deity figure. Just Mental Illness, and nothing real.

They spoke to me in words of doubt that I had said to myself a thousand times, that were so much more damning coming from an external source. They used that word, that my Abuser often used against me, to label even the smallest transgressions (breathing wrong, moving my eyes at the wrong time) as Morally Wrong.

I backed away from the relationship in Horror. What had I DONE? I was Horrible. I was disrespectful, I was dishonoring my patron with some distorted, self-created obsessive idea of a relationship born in some massive lack of discretion. Nothing I had thought or done or felt in the last 30 years was Real, AND it was wrong. I broke it. I broke it Badly, believing these motherfuckers and their words that parroted the worst things that crawled around in my mind.

Nevermind that Loki is a trash panda of a god, and a slut, and a freaky little guy, and that None of this would shock, amaze or even put him off.

And I haven't successfully repaired it yet. Loki is still there. He is still trying. I still want it, but I Deeply mistrust that. I feel like everything I want is hurtful somehow. Thanks Moral OCD. I hate it.

#loki #mental health bullshit

[little-flame-prince]

Usually, when there's a lot of us around like this, Mason or Claude or W-, at least one of them, is invariably part of the group, but right now none of them are to be found, nor any of the girls. Instead it's the bizarre combination of L- and N- and K- (and me, of course, because of course) and I think A- is hanging around the edges right now as well. Anyway, the point is this is a disastrous combination.

#K is normal but has no intention of being useful #N is useful but absoLUTELY not normal #and L and A are absolute horrors #and i am so tired #we needed to Get Stuff Done guys cmon #mental health bullshit #slutprince.info

[mrs-bluemarine]

Every neurodivergent person who's ever been made fun of because of it should be compensated with a life sized pirate ship, their very own crew that loves them and all sing shanties together, a life time supply of rum, oranges, card games, and cannon balls with proper protective equipment. And an animal companion of their choice if they'd like

#jay's bullshit #piratecore #actually autistic #autistic things #neurodiverse stuff #neurodivergent #mental health #actually adhd #not used to making these types of posts so idk what tags to use! #all of you are so cool and we should all have a pirate party together! #oceancore #lgbtqia #autistic #the tism

[chickenoptyrx]

....I just wanted to draw gators :T at this point these 2 are more 'a representation of my last 2 brain cells' then they are actual characters 😅

#im living vicariously through the cartoon guys #because i want to A. pick up gator (strong man style) #and B. ..pick up gator (hug) #ok but so i recently found out an area where i take stupid little walks for my stupid little mental health #has! GATORS!! (potentially. theres signs.) #and this is great cause seeing gators would def heal me as a person #but ok so when i look for hiking places i always look north cause the terrains more hilly #but now im lookin south more cause turns out i AM in fact far enough south to see gators!! #and yeah looks like theres a handful of nature reserves w hiking trails the same distance away as the little mountain trails i go to #its flatter and the trails are less extensive so ill hafta see if i think its worth it #but then too theres a really big black water swamp that.. further away then i wanna drive.. #but also i drove 5 hrs once just to go to mammoth cave as a day trip so.. we'll see.. #my friend says he wont go w me tho :T he'll just report me missing #this has been a tag ramble about my sudden outset intrest in seeing a gator #my bullshit #lol barely but still #also- i told myself not to over do it drawin the scales or coloring it #and as you can see i dont listen to myself ever #lol they look outta place but idc i got to draw 2 of my favorite characters and also ALLIGATORS :U #living the dream rn