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allbrainrot · 3 years

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Hi! First, i love your writing🥺 Now to the point. How about felix, sylvain and dimitri pinning after the female reader? We are basically yeeting ingrid and placing a fem reader instead😂 Like, they are childhood friends and the three of them have had a lovestruck for her since they were kids? And now they just end up fighting for her love or smth? Either hdcns or an scenario is fine! You can pick whichever you wish! However if you dont want to write this req please dont feel forced to! Love u🥺

Thank you so much!! 🖤 And yes, you got it! Bye Ingrid LMAO 😎😎 I write pre timeskip wayyy better so I’m gonna just say that reader is 18 (i don’t write NSFW or anything but age is still a thing lol) so that they’re in between the ages of Dimi + Felix & Sylvain and it works out, hope you don’t mind! I love you too anon 🥺

- Dimi is probably the first one to catch feels when they’re kids! Felix does too but he’s kinda just like wtf is this??? until someone teases him about it. Sylvain is quite ✨special✨ with romance but I think he’d be inclined to trust you a lot more because you’ve known him since you were teeny tiny before you even knew wtf a crest was! So he probably also catches feels when you’re kids but then he goes through his whole girl phase SIGH

- None of them realize their predicament until they all see you again at the officer’s academy together. I wouldn’t say they’re super obvious about it, but they’re teenagers (well Syl isn’t but shhhhh) who all like the same person so they’re going to pick up on each other’s crushes while reader remains ignorant. It’s not an issue that needs to be addressed immediately, but they’re all watching each other cautiously.

- Syl would have a massive head start on flirting with you, but he’s faced with the big issue that you don’t believe he’s being genuine and brush him off. Felix is constantly challenging you to duels to get close to you and also have alone time with you, although the other 2 will occasionally ruin his plans and insist on joining. Ah man bby Dimitri would probably come across as a little overbearing because he’s very protective of you and is constantly offering to do things for you. He’s just a mother hen that’s whipped for you and doesn’t know any other way to express it!

- When it comes to the 4 of you sitting together at lunch or in class, Sylvain is the worst. He’s very aware that his competition is far less bold than him, and so he’s making sure he’s always closest to you. Will squish as close to you as humanly possible HE WOULD DEADASS PUT YOU IN HIS LAP IF HE COULD 😭 If he puts a hand on your thigh or an arm around you it’s a wholeass declaration of war.

- Felix will likely become much more protective which may cause a lot of yelling at you for being careless or weak, but really he’s just so worried! To ease his mind, he’ll help you correct your mistakes himself (which has the added bonus of getting really close to you and occasionally lowkey holding hands when he adjusts your grip). Around other people, especially Dimitri and Sylvain he’ll be evidently sweeter to you to get the message across. A blended mix of jealousy and concern will make him very protective of you around the other two. Dimitri is not getting within 5 feet of you while guard dog Felix is around.

- In the Blue Lions the tension in the air is so thick you could cut it with a knife everyone is thoroughly confused but frankly just sick of it lol. Felix glaring at Dimitri? That’s totally normal but Dimitri is doing it back AND Sylvain is added to the weird stare off- wtf happened?? Byleth would have to talk to them after class and be like guys what in the goddess’s name happened 😭 They’ll all give a vague answer that doesn’t give away that it’s about you and each one of them has a jab at the others to shift the blame..please find your chill lads !

- At this point everything gets a little bit needier because they’ve all had this pent up yearning but have been blocked by the others. (If you’re ok with it) Sylvain will just randomly peck you on the cheek or your forehead when he sees you and you’re just like LOL ok ✨typical Sylvain✨ But when you sit next to him at lunch or in class he’s started very tenderly holding your hand under the table and you’re like huh ok that’s a little odd. If Dimitri is on the other side of you he will carefully take your other hand in retaliation. Felix will probably give in and do the same but he’ll snatch your hand a lot more aggressively and look away from you with a scowl and a blush.

- Dimi and Felix are both touch starved AF and would very much appreciate cuddles or any physical contact. If you’ve reacted positively to everything thus far, Dimitri will slowly start to bite the bullet and initiate affection because he wants it so bad. Any time you touch Dimitri, he gets sappy and lovey af and will express his adoration in hopes that you’ll keep giving him affection. Felix would never upfront ask for affection but he just kinda sits really close to you and glares at you with a little pout and you will have to realize that this is Felix language for ‘it is a crime that you aren’t cuddling me rn’.

- Obviously Sylvain gets lots of physical contact with women but I don’t ever see it as holding affection yknow?? Like yeah he spends a night or two with chicks after them crest babies™️ (i cannot take myself seriously this sentence is so funny-), but I don’t really think that they’ve done actual cuddling or casual displays of affection like petting someone’s hair because they likely don’t care too much for Sylvain and will just do the bare minimum. So in a way, Sylvain is also starved of affectionate touches and he would very much appreciate the little things that no one else has done for him. It’s new and scary for him to actually seek romantic attention, but he’s still pretty bold, just not very tactful when it comes to you lol. If you’re sitting by yourself on a bench he will not hesitate to sprawl himself out on top of you with his head in your lap and stare up at you with an innocent grin. Is also lowkey not embarrassed to whine or pester you?? His reputation is pretty hopeless at this point so what does he have to lose by sitting behind you in class and poking you while dramatically whining about you not paying attention to him?

- Attention is a huge deal to Sylvain. It’s one of the main things he’s looking for when he randomly flirts with people at the monastery. He can’t handle being ignored and that leads him to often seek many girls at once so that he always has attention when one is busy. But when it comes to you he finds himself in deep shit because once he’s gotten a little bit from you, everyone else seems minuscule and with others he only receives a mere fraction of the satisfaction he gets from being with you. So he’s gradually allotting more and more time to you until he hardly talks to any other girl. But Sylvain is used to being the one that everyone wants more of, so when he finds himself in the shoes of the smitten women that piss him off, he’s plagued by the worry that you’ll think he’s overly needy. So he comes to seek validation from you too. If he can just get you to comb your fingers through his hair or give him a kiss on the cheek then he can renew his confidence in trying to court you.

- Dimi is somewhat similar but for different reasons and in different ways. Dimitri has practically no experience with romance so he’s extremely smitten and has an overwhelming desire for the affection you give him that he’s never had. But he’s painfully aware of how extreme his feelings are in comparison to any other couples he may have seen at the monastery, and he’s terrified that he’ll scare you away if he expresses exactly how much he yearns for you. So Dimitri is always very visibly holding back much like he often holds back his strength. Dimi will do anything for you or with you, but you have to initiate it so he can be certain that he’s not smothering you. On days where he’s extremely lovey and never wants to let go of you (which is kind of often lol) he will constantly ask if you’re sure that he’s not bothering you. He is just so horrified at the thought of messing up whatever it is you have.

- Felix will be very easily overwhelmed by you, so it’s much better if you wait to cuddle up to him until you can both go to one of your rooms. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be touched, he does, but his feelings for you make him way too vulnerable for his liking, so he’s not going to want anyone else around. Felix is still Felix and he goes off to take out his feelings in the training grounds every free day, but has started occasionally coming to your room when he’s done for the day and receiving his required cuddle time away from prying eyes. He may have accidentally fallen asleep with you a couple times..

- You’ve probably snuck in to sleep in Dimi’s room on occasions when he’s dangerously sleep deprived. The man, the myth, the legend Dedue would definitely help sneak you in because he knows it does Dimi a lot of good. Dimitri is able to fall asleep with you practically on top of him in his grasp. Feeling your heartbeat close by and your hair beneath his head and hearing you breath peacefully is enough to ground him from his fear of losing you too. He’ll still have nightmares, trauma is a bitch, but when you’re there you can bring him back down and he’ll eventually be able to fall back to sleep (which he typically can’t do alone). It’s not a perfect night’s sleep, but it’s enough to keep Dimi functional and that’s what you’re there for. He’ll thank you a million times and unnecessarily apologize for the inconvenience, please do what you can to reassure him that he’s not a nuisance to you.

- SIGH Sylvain, this god damn silly little goose, is extremely distressed by his feelings for you and even moreso by his developed neediness. It honestly kinda scares the shit out of him to realize he’s whipped for someone and at a loss for a way to ask you out. He’s used to having that power, to have someone’s feelings in the palm of his hand where he can do anything he wants. Genuinely trying to figure out how he would court someone is a frightening new thing for him and he’s suddenly on a playing field where he doesn’t have his experience or his power to shield himself with. So he reverts to his old ways to try to get a handle on his fear and have his confidence boosted back up. But of course, Syl still wants all the attention he can get from you so you so he spends all of the day with you, then does his other girl bullshit at night! It doesn’t go as smoothly as planned though..Sylvain is used to being yelled at by crying girls, but it hasn’t gone unnoticed that he ignores them all day and drops by whenever he feels like it, and he ends up getting in some pretty nasty arguments that do not help his already vulnerable state. So it’s like 2 AM and Sylvain’s feeling like a sorry sack of potatoes and just wants to be held by someone and talk until falling asleep in their arms. And there’s only one person who Sylvain wouldn’t mind being open with and who could provide him genuine comfort..and you’re the lucky winner of the ‘Sylvain on your doorstep at 2 AM’ lottery!! Unless your sleep schedule is wack you’re gonna be all groggy like hey uhh wtf Syl??? And that is how the occasional nights that Sylvain falls asleep in your room happen!

- If the 3 of these scenarios interfere with each other ummmmmmmmm no they didn’t 😳

Ok! That’s where I’m leaving off because I don’t want to try to write endings with you picking one of them it just makes me kinda sad LMAO. Bro omg it’s the return of the ridiculously long Allister fics she do be goin a little insane though 😳 But for real I’ve been gradually adding to this for like?? a week? And I just kept picking cute relationship milestones or whatever in my walnut brain and writing a point for each of them so that the 3 of them are equally written. So it might not line up perfectly but I hope you like it!!

#fe3h dimitri x reader #fe dimitri x reader #dimitri x reader #sylvain x reader #fe3h sylvain x reader #fe3h felix x reader #felix hugo fraldarius x reader #fire emblem felix x reader #three houses reader insert #three houses x reader #fe3h x reader #fe3h reader insert #fe3h fanfic #fire emblem three houses x reader #fire emblem x reader #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #felix hugo fraldarius #sylvain jose gautier

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textsfromtheborderline · 5 years

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First, I love your blog. It's full of very interesting info and tips. Thanks for your work! Secondly, I wanted to know if you had tips on how to handle the bitterness you happen to feel towards people sometimes, when you feel like they are using you/not giving you the right dose of attention? How do you distinguish between reality and an impression that's just your paranoia?

Thank you for your kind words! I’m glad my blog is helpful.

You’re describing two separate issues where bitterness is the emotional response:

Feeling used and abused

In your perception, someone not giving you “the right dose” of attention

For the first issue, this is a perfectly reasonable and understandable emotional response. I really relate to it. As much as I appreciate being a helpful and compassionate person, I also periodically get sick and tired of being someone’s crutch (especially when I cannot count on them to reciprocate that care and compassion).

But I’m not saying that out of some sense of martyrdom. It truly is exhausting to constantly have to justify and reaffirm the boundaries you put into place in order to stop people from draining you, unloading all their life problems on you, and yet still expecting you to be repeatedly on demand.

So of course, bitterness happens. Bitterness is loaded with regret and resentment for things that you feel should be happening, or outcomes that should be different, from what you are currently getting. In this case, I take this emotion as being a signpost that I need to re-evaluate a given relationship and make a change, so I try to turn this negative emotion in to something positive.

This is where it comes down to perception and the difference between reality and delusion (which paranoia feeds, as you pointed out)

The second issue is more important for Narcissists, who literally need constant Narcissistic Supply in order to survive, regulate their ego and their moods, and basically perform basic functions in life (talk about a mental illness being completely debilitating)

Being bitter about someone not giving you the “right dose of attention” is also an understandable reaction, but it makes less sense from a reasonable point of view.

In order to avoid being passive aggressive, it’s important to set clear boundaries and have realistic expectations (which in turn means you respect other people). Now, your issue regarding what the “right dose” is can become a high conflict one, but it is still a solvable and potentially beneficial situation!

In order to ensure that you are getting the “right dose” of attention, you need to set clear expectations. No one can ever give you what you need and want without you being honest about it first.

Now, there’s a right way and a wrong way to ask for attention (particularly if you’re a Narcissist). Instead of coming across like an entitled, needy asshole that just wants attention, it would help to:

Always be polite. You’re not demanding attention (regardless of whether or not you internally feel entitled to demanding it) you are asking for it. Attention is actually a common courtesy and a sign of respect, so it isn’t all that outrageous to ask for it politely, especially if you care about the person who is giving it to you.

Example: “I really appreciate it when you express that you care about me. One of the ways you do this is by giving me attention. Could you please give me (some more) attention (right now/today/this week)?

Assess the situation: Timing is everything. People are busy. People have responsibilities. People have lives that don’t revolve around you. But if you ask them politely, they will certainly make room to care about you if they truly do care about you. So when you want attention, be careful about when and where you’re asking for it.

Example: Say you and your partner are going out for a walk together. They’re paying more attention to the beautiful river and trees than they are to you, but you want them to pay attention to you of course! Try approaching the situation like this:

“I’m really enjoying this walk and I’m glad you are too. When you have a moment, can you please pay attention to me? I like being the center of your focus. It makes me feel good.”

Be clear and honest: Believe it or not, when you directly ask for what you want (or simply put your needs and wants within a clear framework) you really can get it!

Asking for attention is not wrong.It really is one of the sincerest ways to express that you do care for someone (or something). As such, attention is not a cold currency as most people believe. It is emotionally charged.

When you’re asking for attention, you are essentially asking for feeling and for care. It’s just much easier to say “I want attention!” apparently.

So do it: clearly and honestly say “Hey, I really want your attention right now.”

There’s no need to manipulate people or pretend to be someone else to get attention, which is something my Narc never wrapped her pretty head around. I would have much preferred her to just ask me for attention forthright, instead of scheming and driving me crazy. If I had understood her needs and wants (along with my own) clearly and honestly, we would have avoided so much painful conflict.

Indeed, where the conflict arises is usually how you ask for attention and whether you’re reciprocating it, which is why it’s important to take my previous points into consideration.

Keep in mind that some people (like me!) are also really shy, and although we can sense what it is that you want, we would prefer if you clearly communicated things to us first.

Always be appreciative: Since attention expresses care, you should appreciate that fact. Not everyone is going to care about you. And they don’t need to. Attention should not supplant validation; as I keep emphasizing, attention is care whereas validation can often be twisted into only a façade of care. These are not the same things.

With that firmly in mind, please say thank you. Express your appreciation for the person who is giving you attention. And this also allows you to keep asking for attention, politely.

Regarding how to distinguish between reality and emotional impressions (which can lead to delusions), it’s okay to literally ask “are we on the same page here?” as well as “what do you expect from me? What would you like me to do?” Then follow up with “Here’s what I expect from you and what I’d like you to do.”

Additionally, to make sure everyone involved is indeed involved in the same reality, check up every once in a while. Like, “Here’s the way I see things. Here’s how I feel about them. Here’s how I think they’re going. What do you think and feel? How do you see things?”

This is the surest way to make things crystal clear. I really hope this helps you out!

#I can be as bitter as a grapefruit #anon #q + a #textsfromtheborderline

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ibuproffie · 6 years

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dealing with toxic friends: special high school edition

Toxic Friends and How to Identify Them

They’re constantly griping at you. I’m not talking about a couple bad days, I’m talking about consistent rudeness that makes you wonder what you’ve done to them.

They’re extremely emotionally needy, requiring constant support and validation from you, but you never receive the same kind of attention from them. Your problems are never as important as theirs, and they may even dismiss them (”those aren’t real problems”) to spend more time to focus on themselves.

They are likely to constantly fish for compliments, requiring constant praise, but nothing you do is ever good enough for them to return the favor. Harsh criticism is more likely the case.

You find yourself choosing your words with care to avoid them blowing up with you.

You try as much as possible to avoid running into them, because interactions with them leave you feeling defensive and drained.

You can go days without them asking you a single question about your life. They’ll never notice if you’re having a bad day.

They claim to be “socially awkward” or an “introvert” as a cover for overtly rude behavior. You are fairly certain they know exactly what they are saying.

They are physically and/or verbally violent with you, and when you confront them about their behavior, you either receive an insincere apology or they tell you to “stop being so sensitive.”

In fact, nothing they ever do is a problem. They are likely to gaslight you (claim the incident never occurred) if you confront them about the abusive behavior, leading you to question your version of events.

They put you down in front of other people, spread rumors about you, or share your personal information with others without your consent.

Bizarrely, you begin to wonder if you’re the toxic friend, because around other people, they may appear charming and pleasant. (Your other friends may not believe you if you tell them about the problems you have with this person because of this-all their experiences with them have been pleasant, so they can’t imagine what you’re dealing with.)

You and/or some of your mutual friends may even begin to make excuses for their bad behavior. (”she’s just having a bad day” “he has x mental illness”). For the record, neither of these are appropriate excuses for abusive behavior, ever.

They may claim to be one of your closest friends, but you rarely find yourself sharing personal things with them for fear they will use this information against you.

If they don’t get their way, they are likely to get dramatic or start sulking. You end up letting them do pretty much whatever they want to do so they don’t have a meltdown.

They are constantly trying to wind you up and manipulate you. They lie to you for no reason.

They are willing to throw you and your feelings under the bus to get what they want, whether it’s an s.o. or a teacher’s attention.

They threaten to stop being your friend for inexplicable reasons and warn you of the dire consequences you will suffer without them, or they will suffer without you. (ha, as if!) They are weirdly possessive of your time, to the point where you find it hard to do things with other people.

They ignore you or give you the silent treatment without telling you what’s wrong. If they’re ever angry with you, you are expected to make up all the difference and apologize, oftentimes for offenses you are not aware you have committed.

You feel like this friend is going out of their way to make you insecure. They are constantly bragging about themselves, and they seem to be talking up points they know you yourself are lacking in. They make sure to let you know that they are more successful than you, and will make sure to tell you that your successes are not all that. They are not happy when you succeed, and they cannot handle it when you do better than them.

They only spend time with you when their “best friends” aren’t around, making sure to let you know that you are not a priority. You get the uncomfortable sense that you are not as important to them as they are to you. They avoid you or purposefully exclude you from some things.

They pressure you into doing things you feel uncomfortable with. They willfully ignore/make fun of your boundaries.

Your toxic friend(s) may engage in all of these behaviors, or a combination of a few. If you recognize any of these signs, you have a toxic friend. Period. It doesn’t matter if your friend is mentally ill, if they have a bad home life, if you’ve been friends for a while, or any other rationalization you give yourself for their behavior. No one deserves to be treated poorly, and no one should treat their friends like this.

The Cutoff

A lot of people will tell you to “just cut them off.” However, when it comes to high school friendships, it is often easier said than done. It can make the classes you share extremely awkward, can force mutual friends to take sides, and make you look like a person who starts “drama.” (More on that in a minute.)

[Of course, if the friendship is taking an exceptionally dark turn (i.e. illegal activity is involved, they are thinking about harming themselves or someone else) you NEED to report this behavior to an authority figure and have them deal with it. It is out of your hands at this point. I am not endorsing putting yourself or anyone else at risk for the sake of maintaining a toxic friendship. I simply am stating that it is difficult in high school to fully get these people out of your life because you see them every school day.]

If you feel ready to “cut off” your toxic friend or friends, go for it. Be direct and honest-don’t sugarcoat anything. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING “RUDE” OR “HURTING THEIR FEELINGS.” They have not treated you with respect, so they have not earned your respect. Do it in a place in which you have the most control. If you feel better doing it over text because you don’t want to do it in person, that is FINE. Do not expect your ex-friend(s) to be pleased about your behavior. Whatever they say to you or about you afterwards, remember:

They were the toxic person in your relationship. They were the person who was using you, not the other way around.

You will find other friends who treat you well.

Assholes are not entitled to your time.

People who you barely interact with who judge you based on a biased estimation of your character from 1! person...are shitty people.

You can’t please everyone.

I see a lot of “if you have a problem with me, be sure to tell me so i can fix it and if you don’t tell me that’s on you uwu” posts lying around. But here’s the thing, a lot of times toxic people find it inconceivable that they could ever be at fault. Whether you tell them as soon as the issue occurs or when you’re ending your friendship, you’re likely to get a fake-sounding explanation or a cop-out apology. Plus, if your friend is a real threat to you, putting yourself out there might only be a waste of your time, but a risk to your safety. So for the record “but at the time you told me you were fine with it?!!” should NEVER make you feel guilty.

It’s okay to be upset about the end of a toxic friendship, but you will get though this. You were so strong to cut them out of your life; you are sure as hell strong enough to survive your life without them.

The block button is a thing.

Fracturing the Circle

Cutting off your toxic friend(s) may put strain on your other friendships, however, especially if you guys have mutual friends. And in high school, this is very likely. The problem is, your mutual friends may not see your toxic friend or friends in the same way that you do, or, if the toxic friend in question is especially vicious, may sympathize with you but want to avoid picking sides for fear of retaliation. And sad as it is, if your mutual friends are questioning your version of events, accusing you of starting “drama,” or talking to your toxic friend behind your back, it’s time to let them go as well. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you do not have to settle for shit friends.

Here’s the thing a lot of toxic people will accuse you of (and what can wreck your other friendships): drama. Everyone knows that so-called “dramatic” people start problems and pick fights constantly. But here’s the thing-it’s not “dramatic” to demand to be treated with respect. You’re not starting “drama” if you’re sick and tired of toxic bullshit. Anyone who calls you “dramatic” or accuses you of starting “drama” without full grasp of the story does not fucking deserve your time. It’s worth damaging your reputation to treat yourself with a little self-respect.

And just a PSA for anyone reading this, if anyone ever approaches you with a valid complaint about a mutual friend’s toxicity, SHUT THE FUCK UP and LISTEN to them. Don’t try to explain the behavior away. Don’t accuse the person of making it up. Don’t defend your friend just because they haven’t treated YOU like that. Show a little compassion. You don’t have to confront the mutual about the behavior if you don’t feel like it. But give the person the common courtesy of an audience.

I’m Stuck With Toxicity. What Now?

You don’t necessarily have to jump straight to cutting your toxic friends off. But you can establish boundaries at school. Here are some ideas for slowly distancing yourself from the person.

Sit with a new group of people at lunch or in class. Just physically moving yourself away from the toxic person can do wonders for your mental health.

Wait 10 minutes before replying to messages from the person. Or don’t reply at all.

Join a school group you know they’d never be interested in. It’s a great way to push an overly clingy friend away.

Create a secret social media space that only trusted friends can view. Warning-this can backfire if you have mutual friends.

Stop sharing personal information with the person. Only talk about school or neutral topics of conversation.

If your friend puts you down in a group of people, say (loudly, so other people can hear you) “That was really rude and unnecessary.” They’ll have to apologize.

For the friend who only talks about themselves: “Aren’t you going to ask me how my day went?”

Avoid gossiping about the person. It’ll just escalate conflict.

“Chill out. You’re acting like I <insert dramatic simile here>.” (Gets some laughs from the crowd.)

“Why are you yelling at me?” (Draws attention to their behavior.)

“I can’t apologize for something if I don’t know what I did.” (Logic, the great bane of the irrational.)

Avoid spending time with them outside of school.

#mine #masterpost #toxic #toxic people #toxic friends #toxic friend #toxic relationship #toxic relationships #high school #relationship #friendship #self care #self love #tw: swearing #tw: abuse #emotional abuse #abuse #trauma #toxicity

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twopintsandaprayer · 5 years

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i’m going to mainline some tylenol and forget that this whole afternoon existed

I see a therapist, like a real live person, at the beginning of may. I’m so utterly petrified that I’m going to say the wrong thing and undermine the help that I need. I wish, like I always do, like I have always, always wished that I knew the right thing to say and the right way to act. I need to be honest, and calm, and somehow condense my 20 plus years of medical history and my fucked-up family life into a succinct, half-hour session. I have to trust this person immediately, be open, be attentive. that’s ...a tall order. like I said, I’m petrified that I won’t say what I’m supposed to in order to make my case and I’ll be dropped from priority. I come across as....well, as not really that ill. My psychiatrist called me defensive and combative. which I am. it’s not a pleasant trait but my god its firmly in there. I’ve been living with depression since I was about 10 but it’s not...not very visible. It takes a very long time for that sadness to be apparent to someone else. It comes across as hostility and nihilistic humour, to be honest. I don’t like admitting it to myself, how deeply this combination of futility/self-loathing goes. It comes on like it’s never left. I think I failed my exam today. I’ve been contemplating dropping out of school completely because I don’t really see the point in continuing. the margin for error is so so small and I am unforgiving towards any mistakes when I could have tried so much harder. I don’t really know how to fight, you know? And it’s all so horrible, self-reinforcing. I know, point-blank, I have no reason to be like this. Yeah, emotional abuse from my father and my mother probably is autistic and is entirely too logical and judgmental for a fuck up like me as a daughter. also she was horribly horribly emotionally abused for like, a long ass time. - like I learned no coping skills or emotional regulation and I have like, negative self-worth and I have always been super super intense, childish, and the last to pick up on any emotional cues. that’s all pretty small stuff though, like everyone has a shitty childhood? my life has been pretty privileged, I cannot deny that at all. my psychiatrist keeps looking for trauma, reasons for me being like this. I don’t...really know how to explain to him that there’s no real reason, I’ve just always been this way. too loud, too close, too possessive, too needy, too young, too slow, too judgmental, too constantly seeking validation. Wholly, completely self-centered. Emotionally manipulative. I look into my memories and there is barely anything real, it’s all just a miasma of anxiety and talking over people. like, I don’t remember what things were like when I liked myself? I must have, at some point. I don’t remember when doing stuff didn’t fill me with fear, when the memories of good times weren’t tainted by my fuckups. And the constant, constant need to be liked, to have some kind of purpose, connection, something real. Some reason to keep getting up and putting myself through all this. The amount of friendships I have ruined or that have slipped through my fingers, or I have undervalued, or I have strained, just by being me. I never, ever, know it’s going to happen until it does. There’s an inevitability to it. I mean, my father was a lovely person, until you got to know him. He would give you the shirt off his back but he’d never, ever apologize for anything. We were all happier when he lived on a separate continent. IK mean, we talked all the time and we saw him a couple times a year. But the day to day living? That’s...that’s the kind of distance my presence requires. He knew he made us that unhappy. He was so terribly unhappy himself. He had plenty of reasons. I miss him a lot. We’re basically the same person. Unhappiness just kind of oozes out, infecting everyone around us. It’s hard to see at first. But it’s there. You feel it once you get to know me.

How do I describe that to someone I don’t know? I can barely describe it to myself. I can barely type it without crying. How inevitable and ingrained this unhappiness is. And there’s no reason for it. It’s just...it’s like I’m missing something. Some piece of humanity that would make me real. That would make what I do sincere and normal. I know I have an issue with boundaries. I know I come across way way way way too much way too quickly. It’s been a constant refrain since I was about 10: if only I didn’t need people, I would be all right. I don’t know what I’ve done until after the fact, until its too late. Needless, endless apologies should be my tagline.

it’s just so horribly lonely. I’m so tired of being alone. I’m constantly trapped by and surrounded by my own self-hatred. It’s so cliche it makes me sick of myself. I don’t have any reason to be this hard on myself. I don’t have any reason to be this depressed. I can barely qualify as having depression. I just ...don’t see any point? Of living? Of trying? I don’t remember what it was like not to feel this way. I don’t think I was ever normal.

it’s this constant struggle of ‘I have a mental illness’ and ‘no i’m just lazy and entitled and I don’t want to do the work I just want perfect results’ and ‘I don’t have a legitimate reason to be this way’ and ‘I really cannot handle this for another second’. My whole family is the type to say they’re fine when they are literally crying their eyes out/in severe amounts of pain/ready to collapse/at their limits. everything’s fine, fine, fine, always fine.

i do know that in the end, the only one who can save me is me. i just don’t really see any reason to. Like, I keep grasping at straws? I can’t kill myself though, I can’t do that to my mother or my brother. The thought of living for another 40 years (I mean, my diabetic complications will probably get me sooner than that) just feels me with dread and exhaustion though. The primary reason I don’t want to have kids (other than medical, cause I’m on too much medication that’s rough on a fetus) is because I don’t want to be resentful towards my kid for having to stay alive for them. Who can I say that to? How horrible does that make me sound? What a fucking load of shite, I’m so full of it. For some stupid reason, I thought things would just be better? I thought being on meds, and having a stable life, and being back at school after fucking it up so badly the first time, that I’d be better?

It’s a wasteland, though. The space between not wanting to live and not being able to die. It takes such constant effort to keep all my shit in check. everythin just spilling out everywhere.

But I’m just...like this. This is just the way that I am. I’m so sick of myself. I can’t fully put it into words how much I hate myself. All these opportunities and possibilities and a life that’s been free of trauma and responsibilities, and I’m just ...kind of a waste? A big ole burden on my family and friends? It’s...the weight of that makes it hard to breathe. It makes it really hard to try to do anything and it’s so fucking stupid. Just this big old cycle of never ending uselessness. I don’t really believe I can do anything. Everything, friendships, communication, school work, organizing shit, engaging with things, meeting up with friends, keeping my life together. All of it is ...more than I’m really able to handle. Everything’s a bit too much? Like i was supposed to tell my bank that I’m a student by november. I got the letter and everything.

I just never went with it to the bank.

Still haven’t.

Thats such a microcosm for my life. All the materials, all the ability, all the chances, all the ducks lined up in a row and then...nothing. Just a disappointment and a missed chance.

I can’t believe I’m 32. Nothing but my own self-hatred to keep me company from here on it. Well. And my cats. I am though, a bad cat owner. keeping these hellbeasts inside is more than I am capable of. Haha, that’s pretty low on the priority list though.

This is the work that I need to do. I don’t have a clue how to approach it. That’s what I need help with. Finding something to hold on too. It’s getting harder and harder as I get older. It shouldn’t, because my life is actually so much better now that it was. The bad stuff just gets harder and harder to walk back from. I think it’s the loneliness? I wish I wasn’t so horribly horribly lonely. My choices are always, do it alone or don’t do anything at all. Reach out and be rejected. Reach out and panic when someone reaches back. Reach out and alienate the person forever. Reach out and be told it was not my place. Fail, again and again to differentiate. Fail, again and again to learn.

anyway. Tylenol. sleep. one more week of exams.

my marks are going to be so horrible this year.

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shruggingdragon-blog · 6 years

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hello, world

Maybe an online journal will be a more effective way to track my thoughts.

What ARE my thoughts? Man! What a life. Probably overdoing it with the Etizolam this week... but I feel I can pull up and figure it out lol.

Life... by and large, is good. Which is to say that I’ve been working on looking at things through different perspectives. Which is, obviously, easier said than done. I think having the daily mood chart is a helpful idea because it really does motivate me to focus on the positives.

ZQ and I haven’t been in contact, and I’ve actually done a great job of not checking her social media constantly. I’ve checked once over the past ten days, and honestly I’m okay with that. I think in time that won’t be something that I feel the need to do, and if/when I do, I can sufficiently re-analyze that desire.

Directly related to that, my relationship with Squid has become hella strained. I think I didn’t help by first approaching it as needing to rely on him to get through this, not really considering the position he must be in, between dating Sunny (who lives with Neena) / likely hearing a particularly negative depiction of the relationship and everything that went wrong. So I tried to back off a bit - I can’t ask him to be here for me when he has the same loyalty to Neena and her good friend. Also knowing he was sick and battling his own depression etc combined with his general conflict avoidant personality... I am working to remind myself it is not an Arjun centric universe and a lot of the things I take offense to are in fact my own insecurities - another common theme. Ultimately, I had a few conversations with him about just kicking it together, lowkey, not talking deep stuf but just kinda re-affirming that someone I’ve considered a life long brother isn’t suddenly looking to cut ties with me. I think, if I’m being honest, then it would be for the best - if he cannot empathize or provide the support that i DO feel I need out of a best friend, then maybe the nature of our relationship will change over time. I love him and I hope he loves me too, but I also know that there’s nothing else I can do

Ah, Sara connect. We hooked up a few times, got a massage, bought some carts from her. Getting the vibe she’s no longer interested in hooking up but I’m pretty sure 4/100 is still worth it so... no harm no foul. .

Hmm.. what else. N and I, one of the first women I started talking to you after getting back on okc, hit it off initially pretty well, though it was clear off rip that she was also someone who suffered from anxiety/depression which can imo be a unifying thing in a connection or an extreme stressor. Truth be told, I wasn’t attracted to her enough, both physically and ultimately her personality/viewpoints. I feel that I fell into the same trap of finding someone willing to give me attention that I was looking for, and was willing to have sex. I don’t regret trying things, but I do regret realizing that we weren’t right for eachother but deciding to get what I wanted out of her regardless. That was wrong of me, and her calling me out was entirely justified - not that I think she did it perfectly, but that’s irrelevant - she was 99% on point. I couldn’t give her common respect and she could see that - I even regressed to the fake phone calls and “oh I gotta go”. Not my best look, and a pattern I don’t want to get back into it. Very rarely did I feel “satifsfied” after these encounters, even if we had been sexual - I think I am past the casual sex phase of my life? But I’ve been saying that for several years.

Now - the interesting stuff. Matched with an empty profile but seemingly gorgeous blonde chick on okc this past weekend, R. She seemed cool - though def, of course, mentally unstable (seriously though, what is it about me that seeks out / attracts such a specific type?!) - but super engaging to talk to. Initially I got the vibe she was just really feeling the convo and uninhibited to she was double texting a bit, but after not long I felt maybe she was just a little needy/insecure/prone to text a lot. Which...maybe isn’t the worst thing? Shades of TS but there’s always been a part of me that is drawn to that? But maybe that is a facet of my constant seeking for external validation. I digress. She seemed cool, we had A+ banter over the next few days (it’s only been six days of contact, at the time of writing), to the point where I realized my ongoing conversation with J (another okc chick) was drywall boring. So if nothing else, it gave me a bit of a reminder of what I’m looking for or drawn to - and what I’m not. Whether that’s a good thing or not is a whole separate conversation.

Anyway - back to the story. Several days of texting, flirting, me being extremely careful not to be a fuckboy and admitting when I was feeling anxious (which may not have been attractive to her, but is something I needed to do for me, and I do not regret). We went out for tacos and drinks on Thursday and if I do say so myself I was a perfect date. She..is cool. Instant wt vibes which is not promising. Also significantly less attractive than the internet would lead you to believe which is par for the course but still a certified bummer. We had a great time though all things considered, and it was a bit of a confidence boost for myself in that it reminded me I’m not quite as socially inept as I like to think. I also tried hard to keep in mind the whole “oh, I didn’t get murdered, so this must have been a good date” kind of feeling, when in reality it may have just been we aren’t particularly incompatible. Though both her music AND tv taste are... well let’s just cross that bridge if we end up crossing it. Regardless, it felt that things went so well that we ended up hanging out last night as well ... to significantly different reactions imo. We smoked a bit at the house (and later she admitted that got her way too high .. whoops) before grabbing ChickFilA (which she had been on board for, unless I missed some sarcasm, yet seemed utterly miserable to be inside of) and seeing the Incredibles. Good movie, but...it definitely felt awkward just sitting in an empty theater with a girl I don’t really know to any meaningful degree. I attempted to engage her in random probing/depeer questions and she demurred. Idk - I think a good first date followed by a poor second date is usually a sign that the first date was almost fueled by adrenaline or something. I’ll probably see her again, since I am a scientist. But I am definitely v much on the hunt, still - and yet feeling like things between her and I took a turn for the worse yesterday still makes me feel a type of way. People, right?

Oh - and one of her (many?) best friends is her ex. I told her that was an instant legitimate red flag for me. Not going to ignore that I feel uncomfortable with that.

TLDR: She’s cool! I had a fun time with her the first night. I’m not sure we’re right for eachother, but I think seeing her again wouldn’t be the worst of ideas either.

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hickeyher0ine · 7 years

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I only ever come on tumblr to vent and right now I feel like I need to vent a lot, I don't care who see this and no it's not for attention it's for me, I just need to write things down I've bottled so much up for such a long time and I just don't like myself right now. I don't like anything I feel numb and I've lost my ability to see any of the light hidden in the dark. I've lost so much and the one thing I was grasping onto shattered today I feel lost. I'm 22 this year, I have nothing to show for it I feel as if I've been left behind by everyone I know as they are in happy long term relationships, getting engaged, actually being married and most on not there 1st but now 2nd children. I wonder if I'll ever be that happy if I'll even make it to that stage. At 17 I got into an abusive relationship, started off emotionally just playing with my head I didn't know what a proper relationship was I just did what he told me it was, he was older, he knew better, he stripped me of my friends one by one, stopped me going to work or staying at my own home, I struggled through sixform missing days as he wouldn't let me go, and because I tried to hide the bruises he was now creating. I didn't want to have sex with him anymore I felt worthless but because he was my boyfriend he told me I wasn't allowed to say no... I didn't even know this was rape til almost 2/3 years later, it continued my struggling and crying stopped as he continued to do this day in and day out, just bruises and numbness I was so drained. I started to become physically sick puking in the mornings his mates joked I was pregnant so he made me take a test... I never got to see what the test said even though I already knew, he beat me and I bleed heavily. I lost a baby at 18 though I never saw the test I still cried myself to sleep and fell asleep in his bathroom curled up next to the toilet. Time went on and he finally tried to separate me from my best friend the last thing I had left that wasn't him. That was the only thing that woke me up to what he was a monster I tried to break up with him at my parents house and he told me no a few weeks later I tried again on the phone he said no but I blocked him off everything, I didn't leave the house other than to go to school or work and slowly tried to get some of my life back, he constantly kept at me, he told me no one would ever love me and being in the dark places I was I believed him part of me still does and yes I went back another 2/3 months of secretly seeing him and I finally just ended it I was so scared of him I only ended it when he went to see his dad for 4 weeks it was enough I still shock and wanted no one near me I found it hard to rebuild all that I had lost but no one had even noticed any of this that had happened to me. I told my best friend when I was 20, 2 almost 3 years after everything and she was shocked as she didn't even notice, no one did. After him I got a chance to be with someone who I thought was my one true love after falling in love with him when I was 14 he came back into my life but my hope was lost it didn't last long we didn't even get together, because I was broken too needy and just needed that constant approval the validation that I was good enough but I wasn't and he left, my dating life was tragic and still to this day have I only been on 3 dates. Pathetic as most 12 year olds have had more dates than me. Everyone I get close to kind of leaves. I went to university finally something good for me but since coming most of the time I feel alone my connections from back home have just faded and I began to fall out with people here, I haven't been able to even see my best friend that I've been best friends with for now 10 years and I feel there's no one left to talk to anymore. I from all of that relationship when I was 17/18 put all my effort into other people, there problems there issues making them happy and just caring about them it was easier than facing up to my own demons. I constantly put effort in with other people and have only really noticed how much effort I get back it's like they only care About me when there is some kind of issue they need help with or someone to listen to them. Again at university I met someone felt the attraction from the get go and felt like he was home... he had his secrets and was trans my whole sexuality was confused because I really liked him and even after doing stuff with him I still only see him as a male even though he is pretransition but that didn't work and he played with my head and of course I just let him. Everything just started to spiral and I've tried to keep positive I met someone new got a new job as I hated my old one etc and well my new job isn't massively great and this new person has a shit ton of stuff still with there ex so I've lost out there too. I feel there's no one to talk to and I'm going to end up losing more people in my life as I've fallen out with so many recently and the ties to even my best friend are fading. I feel I'm going to flunk my first year and I can't even trust anyone. I don't feel like I'm worth anything right now and it might be because I'm in a dark place but I don't see a light to get out right now. I don't even feel sad, or angry or hurt, I just feel nothing no disappointment no surprise just nothingness. His words stick with me as I've never found anyone who will love me back "you'll never be loved, you are broken and worthless. You can never give anyone happiness, people don't even think twice about you, I'm the only one who will ever love you, that's a promise, you'll never be loved" I hear them constantly and no ones been able to even slightly prove that he was wrong. I'm in a dark place and just need to let myself be here I'm so tired of wasting my time, my effort and my heart I'm done and I'm finally speaking about everything that hurts me. Again no attention seeking I don't care for the negative comments I get I just needed this I just needed to let it out I needed to write it down

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