#i guess i'll have to see how i feel

[dandeliononthemoon]

wow it is kinda weird when your dance teacher tells the class to please be there the next week for prep for performance otherwise she'd have to take people out who aren't present as we are on a time crunch and she makes the half-joke that unless someone dies you have to be there and everyone laughs and you are there standing thinking well my best friend will be going with euthanasia exactly that day so yeah someone is going to die but it is not during class and i will not be at her house where it is happening so i guess i will still go to class?

#and this was about last week #today is the day my best friend is going #i know the time and everything so i am prepared #it is strange feeling tho #i am aware #i have been up to date about every progress she was making for this process #and i cant do anything about it #anyway #i do wanna attend dance class #i cant sit in silence and think about how she went #the thing is tho #i am also sick #i guess i'll have to see how i feel #tp.e

[lunarin64art]

That feeling when he can't stand to see you that way, no matter what you do, no matter what you say😩😭💔

#scott pilgrims precious little life #scott pilgrim vs the world #spvtw #spto #scott pilgrim #wallace wells #lisa miller #scollace #kim pine #natalie adams #envy adams #don't rlly know if I like how this turned out but oh well;;; #hope its obvious that this is based on the song “Scott Pilgrim” which the creation the comics were inspired from #the lyrics always make me think of Wallace and Lisa's feelings for Scott every time I hear it #ofc you could also relate it to Kim especially since the singers voice kind of reminds me of her #but overall the lyrics fit these two much better since Scott never truly “saw them that way” despite how long they've liked him #and they always seem happier to see him compared to Kim #Im surprised tho that I havent yet seen anyone draw these two together now that their dialogue parallels have been acknowledged more lately #also tho I wish more people pointed out that they both got cucked by red heads LOL #and Kim and Envy actually do look really similar when scott first meets them #makes me wonder if Scott subconsciously went for Envy since she reminded him of Kim (which would be fitting given that you could argue that #Envy dated Scott because he reminded her of Todd. Since he and Scott are confirmed to be meant to be seen as similar to one another #so much so that even their first and last names rhyme #last thing I'll add tho is that while Wallace and Lisa are very similar even personality wise #the one big difference is that despite that whole conclusion on vol4 of Scott not cheating on Ramona with Lisa because he loves her #the writers apparently think it would be “organically correct” for him to have an affair with wallace LMAO #but I guess we shouldn't be surprised since Wallace and Ramona are both in the front of the official valentines art which is clearly #a deptiction of Scotts wet dream or smth (oh and you could also argue that Wallace and Lisa parallel on that art since they're both #shirtless with white socks.. which could be a reference to how lisa wears skimpy clothes for Scott and Wallace often only wears boxers #to like sexually frustrate Scott for fun or smth

[elitadream]

I HAVE RETURNED!!! 💃🎉✨

#Hey guyyyys 😭 #I'm finally back!! #How have y'all been??? 😁 #Man... I've been logged in for five minutes and can already tell I've missed so much RIP ☠️ #I feel like I've been gone for 300 years or so #I have admittedly no idea how I'm gonna catch up 🙇‍♀️😅 #Guess I'll have to go little by little! #This may take a little while 🥲 #I'll do my best to answer messages and see what you've all been up to! 🤗 #But just so you guys know; I'm very excited to be back once more 😎💗 #I've missed you all! ☺️ #💖💖💖

[sciderman]

I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before #and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.” #and that made sense to me i think. #but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing. #and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much. #and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed #and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology. #i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now. #and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be?? #i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe. #will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore?? #maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know. #i don't know what it'll mean for me. #but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way #i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think #i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed. #because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people. #peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing. #there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing. #it's a product of all of his things. #just like me! just like everyone. #so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways. #a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be. #i don't think it's something that can be simplified. #sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags. #i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual. #sci speaks

[foxgirlmoth]

Actually I'm deleting the app. Peace out Tumblr, its been a hell of a decade.

Cohost, Bluesky, twitter, Steam, Twitch, and Discord are all: Windfaemaiden

Might be all lowercase on Discord, and thats the best place to reach me. After that I might be on Cohost, my Twitter is a bit dead, and bluesky is. Eh. Talk to me on steam if you wanna game.

My alt accounts here are Windfaemaiden for my art blog, and my alt blog which is 18+ is mothgirlmilk.

I might check desktop tumblr in a while but this place has become too hostile and its just painful. I met the love of my life here by talking about Metroid. I love this girl so much and the place we met has been so actively hostile I just can't be here any more and it sucks so much. I get sentimental about so many things and I'm crying over losing the place I met my wife. Fuck.

I'm gonna miss a lot of you, if we ever even exchanged a reply or dm or ask or two, I would love to hear from you in the future. If this place gets better I might even be back, who knows. So many of you have become friends and people in my circle who I love to learn about.

💕💕💕💕💕

#runa diary #Maxine if you see this I'm sobbing rn this sucks so much #It feels like I'm leaving a little bit of both of in the past. #Like. Idk. This is where we met. This is where we met ;;^;; #I know I get to see you in person now and we have so many ways to talk now #But I think I'm just remembering our little talks on here and memories that I guess were made here #And its making me sob. Buh. #I love seeing your little thoughts and I love seeing you get excited about things and I love seeing the side of you #That I initially fell in love with #If you ever feel like it I'd love little messages just talking about the kind of stuff you say here. I love small talk with you #Thats what I'm gonna miss the most. #Just. Your presence in a place I can visit from my phone. #ily Maxie I'll talk to you in the morning love <3 #This is a love letter to ourselves from over 2 years ago and how we met and fell in love

[gotchibam]

Does anyone here draw in both desktop & mobile? I'm planning to get a galaxy tab at some point and since I don't really have any experience drawing on a (mobile) tablet, I'm curious abt how it feels to draw on one vs. drawing on pc w/ a graphic tablet 🤔

#once I have all my commission slots filled up that's when i'll buy one #i've been hesitating bc i'm not used to spending a big amt for something but honestly it's more of an investment than a simple want #my poor 10 year old laptop + monitor + keyboard setup is the 'pc' im currently using #both the laptop screen & keyboard isn't working properly anymore so i have a separate monitor + keyboard for it #it's pretty laggy most of the time #not sure how it's still holding up #ngl sometimes i'm worried it'll just give up on me & break at any moment #so I kinda wanna have a backup device #anyways! I get easily tired drawing on pc for some reason #I think it's bc i unconsciously tense my neck? whenever i stare at the monitor for too long #also my eyes hurt + the extreme hot weather lately is making me dizzy so i can't work for long periods of time 😔 #I see a lot of artists use ipad so i'm guessing drawing on a tab would also feel nice??? #also would that get you in the mood to draw more bc you can bring it w/ u anywhere? #i'm hoping to be able to draw more honestly..... #also the timelapse!! csp wont let me record timelapse on my current pc and idk why that is #might be bc im still on win 7 #HOPING i could post timelapse vids when i finally have a tab #tbh i want to get one asap (like as in rn) but I want to make sure I have enough budget first so im waiting for my comm slots to be full #bam blabs

[non-un-topo]

My Neekeys over the last two-odd years. I was curious to see the changes 🤔

#forgive the low quality dfghfds it was just an experiment #now to do the DRAW ANYONE ELSE challenge #siggy draws #he is my blorbo. my muse. i guess #don't get me wrong. i am CRINGING and SWEATING at just the thought of uploading this. #have i been drawing almost every day my entire life? yes. does my style still change all the time? yes! #and i'm mostly self-taught so i struuuuggle a lot. i'll finally admit that reference pictures help immensely. no shit lol. #i learned a lot in the last 2 years!!! there are some really ugly ones i didn't show but i kept the cringe old ones sdfghfds help. #i mean they're still here on tumblr so i can't exactly hide them #you can kind of see when i actually started to use reference pictures. and when i got more used to using a tablet #idk digital art is so hard. it's a whole other world. but i'm in it now and haven't drawn traditionally in forever #i can also literally see how i used to CRUSH my nibs while drawing. all those really thin lines?? i pressed too hard lol #i've actually kept all my nibs since i started drawing digitally and....... it's too many fghfds #that one slightly more realistic nicky in the bottom right of the first collage lmaooo. i should finish him... maybe... it's haaard. #the top right on the first collage and bottom right on the second one are good comparisons ;_; they're both pirate!nico gifts for lily!! #i'm feeling sentimental now omg

[lunarharp]

lil extras for the free day

#witch hat tag #orufrey #orufreyweek2023 #gotta put these silly things here now 🤦‍♂️ cause the remaining prompt to catch up is not a happy one so it should go somewhere else.. #didnt end up doing anything that pushed my limits after all..but that's ok. since i've felt pretty depressed lately this week was my treat #i def feel like i get less likes & RTs overall on twt recently even tho my followers increase. are ppl sick of my stuff ?? :') #but i myself feel pretty ok about my art atm...so i guess it's fine. my fics have never gotten the hits/kudos i've ever hoped for #so i've accepted that this is how it is for me. i see LOTS of ppl stress about that kinda stuff and i don't wanna be like that.. #i'll just keep on keeping on. creating has been pretty satisfying lately when im NOT depressed abt other stuff #and i do get fulfilling comments <3

[writeouswriter]

Started watching a show with one character that my friends just absolutely hate, like truly despise, they think he's shallow and see no sense of redeeming qualities or characteristics or anything, they cannot *stand* him, but I... think he's so far the most complex and compelling character of the series.

Like, sure, he's done some questionable things, he's very much the product of his terrible upbringing, perpetuating the cycle of abuse; he's not quote unquote "good," but he's interesting *as a character,* you see how he cycles between doing good things and bad, you understand why he is the way he is, you see how he digs himself deeper, and my friends said well, they prefer characters who *break* the cycle, who dig themselves out of it, which, yeah, that's fine, sure, but... you do realize it doesn't always work like that, right? Some people don't break the cycle, some people can't, and not always for lack of trying. And even if it did work like that, you do realize the difficulty of that task, right? Breaking that cycle doesn't just happen overnight (or over the length of a single episode or even several), it's messy, it's ugly, it's gradual, it takes time, and this particular show is still very much in its infancy.

Even then, if that really is their caveat, in this case, in the little details, even if he screws up more often than not and isn't directly shunned, even if it's not in conventional, accepted or huge ways, you can clearly see this character actually *is* trying? To be a better father, to care for his friends, amidst his own issues and his fear of being seen as vulnerable or taken for granted, underneath a very obvious mask *designed* to make people see him one way or be disgusted by him, but audiences have no patience anymore... and no ability to sense when a mask *is* a mask, even when it slips, even when presented on a stage.

I mean, I'm not saying they have to *like* this character, to each their own, he's weird, he is occasionally awful, I understand the distaste on that front, but it's genuinely disheartening to see all the other details of his personality just completely fly under the radar or over everyone's heads because no one wants to look beyond the surface, and no one wants a "damaged" character anything less than pure or palatable in specific ways. No one wants a less than perfect victim.

And yeah I know I'm overreacting a little, again, I reiterate, you can like or dislike any character you want for whatever reasons you please, god knows I hate plenty of characters and some don't have any redeeming qualities even writing wise, but... sometimes looking at things just a little longer or through a different perspective can give you a whole new respect or understanding you might never have thought of.

Characters are complex. People are complex. And sometimes, it really *is* that deep, and you can't expect every character or piece of media to hold your hand and directly spell out its moral code for you like it's made for children.

#media #character analysis #media analysis #blorbo from my shows #this almost word for word could weirdly apply to two separate characters i've been watching 😭 #but it's actually not about the usual character i go on vague rambles about #anywho... #on writing (sort of) #tv shows #media literacy #this is a long rant for a character i don't even particularly have strong feelings for but it applies to other things in a broader sense 😭 #and just going in braced for the worst with this one from everything they said of him... actually seeing him and how he acted was just like #wait hold on now this doesn't match up #anyway posting this now because if i don't i'll probably fret over it in drafts for months #i'm not even saying the media is good i'm just saying some things are a little more complex than given credit 😭 #and it's sad we're losing that #long post #i guess

[ace-and-ranty]

If I had a nickel for every time they adapted a beloved young adult original story into a new live action series, after a disastrously disappointing first movie adaptation, and still managed to piss off like half the fandom with ill received changes to the original material, I'd have two nickels.

Which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice!!

#So I hear the Avatar series is causing some discord eh guys #I haven't watched it but scrolling the tag is eerily like seeing reactions to the PJO series LOL #and we all know how I felt about the PJO series so I can guess how I'll feel about this series #animation WAS the best medium for telling A:TLA's story #you already had the perfect medium. why would you adapt it to a shittier medium. #I mean we all know why. But WWHHYYYY. #If you wanted to throw more money at A:TLA you could have touched up the old animation #there were some episodes in season two that like. WHAT did they do to Katara's EARS.

[front-facing-pokemon]

#manectric #i woke up at like noon today y'all i'm queuing this after work. i forgot about it all day and i was about to hop on totk #but i got the reminder to do it. so here i am. with manectric #el woowoo‚ if you will #a lot happened. yesterday. it was not a very good day. which is why i woke up so late. it was a little bit rough. but i guess it's a new day #so. it'll get better. planning on Not Doing Shit today or tomorrow to compensate for all the Bullshit that happened yesterday #hoping you all are doing well. one week from today (friday june sixteenth) i'll be hopping on a flight for the first time in 10 years #looks like according to the queue this will actually go up the day before we leave. so‚ to you guys‚ i'll be heading out tomorrow #which is scary a little bit. last time i flew i had no idea i was autistic‚ but now that i've come up with a lot of better accommodations #for myself and i understand myself a lot better and my needs‚ i'm realizing a lot of my accommodations just aren't gonna make it through TSA #plus it's a lot of unfamilarity with unfamiliar people and an unfamiliar environment which i feel like is gonna lend itself to sensory #overload like Immediately and i'm probably gonna get a headache bc that's how it manifests for me #so when we get there i'm probably gonna have to run to the nearest pharmacy. and grab some shit. which is annoying! so. i'm a little #worried. about the trip. NONE OF HTIS IS ABOUT MANECTRIC SORRY #this is a pokémon i have a hard time caring about outside of its involvement as the leader of the electrike in amp plains #that's about it #any tips from frequent flyers who are autistic would be greatly appreciated. not even just about flying but about like. going to unfamiliar #places on the other end of the country and stuff. i feel like that's what i'm most worried about even though i'm worried abt all of it #also hi i'm writing these tags from day-of. like the actual day this is going to post. me from a week ago sure did know what she was talking #about! anyway. i'm. gonna like. take my meds now goodBye see you all when this Posts in a few hours

[katyspersonal]

It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one

#/vent #personal #and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one #previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together #this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed #but again it got solved #I really want the power to move on without having a closure. #I hope I will be strong enough for it one day. #I just need to think.. #I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats #(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going) #as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them #until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression #I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world. #I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally #I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I #it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth #and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them #so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change #maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess

[skrunksthatwunk]

went back to the sketchbooks around when i was going through yyh for the first time in 2019 and found a pile of near-yearly sticky note updates about my relationship with the series next to my first yyh doodles, a page full of kuwabaras. thought it'd be fun to share

+ more thoughts and old yyh art below

(it's crazy i didn't find any kurama-centric pages for months bc i think he's the one i doodled in the margins of class notes and stuff the most. his hair's pwetty and he gives me the least trouble outta any of the main 4)

something i noticed while skimming the two sketchbooks i took these from was how mean i was to myself at the time about my art. i guess it hit me more because i don't really spend hours going through my old sketchbooks over and over to track my progress and growth like i used to quite often. i guess it was only a little after when my self esteem was lowest (8th grade, tale as old as time), but... idk. i knew back then that i'd grown a lot in the few years since i started drawing more seriously (that's why i looked through my art so much), but like... i guess that never translated into being nice to myself about it. i ended up going back through about ten more sketchbooks to find more yyh art, and in the coming years i'm glad to say that negativity in the margins went away. hell yeah

but even so, my love for yyh was a constant and effusive thing, as it is now. it's probably the oldest of my current media interests. i watched myself get into rgg and develop my ocs and watched others fade in and out, watched my style loop back on itself and go all over the place, passed by pages of writing about crushes and album releases and gender discoveries and my grandparents dying, all surrounded by little drawings of the characters i love. including kuwabara in a maid dress right next to my dead grandma grief rambling that one time (no i'm not kidding. my grandma died in like late 2020 and the page where i poured my heart out after finding out she was gone just trying to process everything had one with catboy maid dress kuwabara directly opposite it, who i'd drawn like the evening before she died in her sleep. he killed my grandma from like 100 miles away he was that powerful. that wasn't even the last time i drew him like that and i don't even care about catboys or maid dresses much. i think it was just a bigger meme and he was the guy i most associated with cats. i put that man in a situation and he fucking got her because the book couldn't contain him. some victor frankenstein shit. anyway)

i took about 150 pictures, most with multiple sketches. i decided not to add any more though bc 1) i posted some of them on old accounts but i don't remember which ones, and tbh i value my anonymity a little too much 2) All Of The Pictures Turned Out Bad in ways i don't feel like getting into but just trust me it's like 6 layers of fucked up illegible image bullshit 3) i found it hard to narrow it down to things i felt were indicative of the development or interesting or anything like that. idk. i figured it was an interesting exercise for me and it probably wouldn't really mean anything to anyone else. and that's ok :) it was nice anyway. i mostly mention it to be like Oh My God i've drawn these guys a lot and i STILL don't know what i'm doing... :| it's fun

however i did transcribe the notes i left:

7/9/19: yo it's been less than a week & i'm on ep. 80 wtf i love this show

8/14/20: 1/2way thru my 3rd watch (first dub, first [with older sibling]) & honestly still love it & kuwabara being the first one i drew makes me happy

7/28/21: i'm watching it w/ [younger sibling] now! 4th(ish) watch, 2nd time through the dub, which is so much better than the sub really elevates the text. we're at the semifinals of the DT, which means this is technically my 5th time through yyh up until that point but eh semantics anyway i still love & obsess over yyh! <3

1/14/24 (present day): hey, i'm rewatching yyh for the.. idk 5th or 6th time. still love it & never stopped. now i'm writing fic & drawing & posting about it. i have friends i talk to about it. [both siblings] have seen it. so much has changed, and so little, but it made me sad seeing how much i insulted my own art. i love you 2019 me. god knows you needed it

[+ this drawing]:

anyway. forever fornever. if you even care

#that's all. just kind of a personal post i thought was neat. skrunklore #skrunkart #yyh #yu yu hakusho #you can really feel the 14 y/o in a lot of the little notes and stuff but that too is part of the growth and change im trying to celebrate. #ripping my fingernails off about it but it needs to be done #also the hearts are because they love each other. and also me in like a cheering you on kinda way #ok more lore but around jr year i started feeling like my art was getting worse or at least stagnating and i kind of wished i could go back #to the era where a lot of that art is from bc there were little things i was better at and also bc i was much more prolific and adventurous #and while i'm sympathetic to it looking back after another couple of years it's like nah. no i was still growing i was just too close to se #like i'll be like oughh i haven't grown at all in years >:(( and then i'll look at the art i made over the course of 2023 and go oh nvm lol #some of it was more 'getting back into the swing of things' + traditional and tech issues being resolved but there was also growth #there is also stuff to be proud of and there always is and there always will be. that goes for you too reader #no matter what your art does or does not look like. i guess that's part of why im posting this too #part of what got me into visual art was seeing how people's art changed (sketchbook tours). it's cool and seeing that learning process so #well preserved and so easily analyzed kinda activated something in my brain. i think it got me past a lot of the 'im just not talented' #stuff a lotta ppl have that keeps them from drawing or sharing it or whatever. anyway art's cool i love art. gonna go draw now probably :D #ALSO really funny watching the way i drew myself change. all in ways that make sense but still funny to me. long hair glasses girl you'd #probably keel over if you saw what we look like now. hell yeah

[bluffmotel]

while only a minority share this view, i do find it somewhat tone deaf when people claim jay's ending is the best outcome for an abuse survivor -- either directly or indirectly implying everyone in the holt house was an abuser that jay, their sole little victim, had to get away from. for starters, none of his endings are happy ones. not even the fugitive path where he's holed up amongst nature, has a dog, and is bathed in solitude. maybe if you close your ears to what jay's saying during that scene you could see this as good for him, but his dialogue is stifled with an achingly loneliness, a sadness. this idea that he craved being alone in the wilderness is not one jay paints himself, it's only something that's said by tyler ; someone who clearly doesn't understand the younger on any level, much less grasps his desires. yes, jay wanted out, he likes nature, though no human can stew in their own space for years without this affecting them mentally. and that's not even taking into account that his entire life is over! he can't travel, he can't visit other countries or get lost in other areas of wood lands or plains, jay is infinitely stuck where he is. it's not a prison cell but it's a cage nonetheless, as the old saying goes : a golden cage is still a cage, after all. he tells zoe these beautiful sights have grown dull on him, laments about missing his family, vanessa, and is so chained by his want for connection he reaches out to a desert dream victim of all people. like, what about this muted cynicism, this barren home, seems happy? maybe he wanted this, some whimsical dream of this, before. now though? it's not what jay thought it'd be, and he lacks any power to change it. this is not some amazing ending for abuse survivors, it's still sad in a melancholy way, simply because jay is visibly unhappy with said circumstances.

but moving on to this, ah, ‘poor little victim in a lion's den’ narrative ... what? i think a lot of people fail to grasp how complex the holt household is in terms of toxicity and abuse. something that's very common nowadays due to how much people project rather than see what's in front of them. and don't get me wrong! projection is fine, you do you, we all consume and parse through media differently -- but this narrative is, by canon evidence, rather fictional. to be completely blunt, jay is not the only victim stuck in the holt house ?? the abusers have always been bear ( physical abuse, verbal degradation ) and sharon ( passive in the face of her kids' abuse, emotional manipulation ) ... and we are literally told point blank by the story itself and another character that these two favored jay immensely compared to their other children. now i'm obviously not saying that he has not faced trauma, he has! favoritism in a house like this does not shield you from the toxicity, sometimes that favor makes things worse, but he was protected to an extent, in ways tyler and dale were not. those two very clearly faced the brunt of bear's physical abuse ; for each other, for jay, and just overall caught their dad's ire more because they stood up to him. tyler takes a beating, a sight that's not at all new by his grim acceptance of this and the fact he states he's been doing this since young :

so, this is normal for tyler. getting beaten by his dad ( which isn't even mentioning the horror story bear can tell to ash, about how he literally threatened to cut tyler's ear or finger off ) and having his mom overall turn a blind eye to it, even going as far as to dismiss this fighting as childish behavior rather than what it is. and dale? we don't see much of him and bear in general, yet the second he steps up to defend tyler, with something as measly as a shove back, bear wastes zero time in hitting him so hard he's practically out of commission for the rest of the fight. he didn't even think about it, merely swung at dale as hard as possible on instinct alone before tyler hastily stepped up to defend him. what happens when jay tries stopping the fight, though?

both parties grab for him so they can toss him out of the way so he doesn't possibly get hurt. you can speculate bear was only doing this in order to finish his punishment on tyler, he'd deal with jay later whatever, although why not punch him like dale? why, out of all the moves on his belt, does he do the more merciful option? bear, who is nothing if not made of violence and has been molded to respect it? his fist that's raised in the air isn't for jay, since the next frame is jay shoved out of the way and him hitting tyler again ... hell, in dialogue where bear and jay are sitting on their porch, the youngest can even say bear beats on tyler and dale specifically. why not say “you beat on us”? like, the game is heavily implying that while jay is traumatized, there are some methods of abuse he simply did not face. one of them being the physical abuse prominent at home. and no, i'm not counting whatever pranks dale's pulled on jay ( like shooting him six times with a bb gun lmao ) because honestly? that's just older brother behavior, and we know that despite the morbid pranks, he still looked out for jay in the ways that counted. like protecting him from pa and to an extent tyler, something which, again, jay says himself!

back on topic a bit, the notion people seem to have of jay and his family seems overly simplified to me. people just looked at dale being his usual asshole self and went ‘abuser’, people looked at tyler's rather drastic and not usually like himself reactions to a high stress situation and went ‘abuser’, and that's a bit ridiculous to me. can't say i'm shocked! since so many people nowadays just see someone mean to their favorite character and decide woobifying said fave while demonizing their opposing force is exactly what canon intended. as dusk falls couldn't be a game more clear about it's main theme of family and the fact there's no purely good or bad people in this world, two statements that correspond directly to the holt family. are they bad for each other? probably! but that's a different discussion compared to, say, every single soul in that house violently abused poor jay and they should reap the consequences of that. dale and tyler, like their beloved younger brother, are also victims of abusive parents and a toxic home life. in turn, they both show signs of this abuse in ways that aren't entirely sympathetic or easy to swallow, especially when they've been dealing with it longer than jay and have never had their parents' favor the way he did. i see people get angry at tyler for the famous cabin scene, but nobody turns a critical eye to sharon ; who for all intents and purposes is watching this unfold without a care. she never physically stops tyler and her attempts to kill the fight are weak compared to her previously steely commands. and, honestly, the fact that tyler was that stressed about sharon getting on that bike so she can be protected, when she's the most capable out of the three of them, is way more strange than tyler's outburst -- when he's in a high stress situation, his baby brother's dead, and his life as he knows it is over. a life he didn't even have to begin with, since it was stolen due to his abusive upbringing.

whether this excuses what he did or not is entirely up to the player! i personally don't think it does, though i also understand where this is coming from and the game makes it clear this is not usual tyler behavior. throughout other people's views it's hammered into us that tyler has a cool head relatively, is the most sensible and smart out of his brothers. so, no, i do not think he was choking jay out all the time for his misplaced resentment -- i think his obvious disliking came from his stilted interactions with jay, and his lack of bond with him at all. we see in book one two times he reaches out to jay, demanding that he eats ( a minor, small thing to fret and worry about ) as well as panicking when he sees jay away from the rest of them during a shoot out. dale constantly looks out for jay as well, going as far as to take the heat from romero if they get caught and something as small as taking blame for jay's mistake in the barn scene. are his brothers more prone to violence and apathy? sure! yet they clearly love jay regardless. abusive households are not easy and see through. in fact in many cases the different levels of abuse the kids suffer does breed life altering resentment later on, envy that can damage these bonds permanently. honestly the holt family intrigues me deeply because of how well written they were as a unit, the effects of abuse and toxicity subtle and not overt in a ‘psa message’ kinda way. and these horrible relationships and ideals shared do not negate from the even more horrible fact that there is love in this messed up family, even bear clearly loves his sons, but that doesn't make it better. it almost makes it worse, seeing all the good intentions and care. knowing it doesn't excuse what they've done to each other nor does it make them better. they're a picture perfect family of an ugly wound! which is fascinating! i only wish more people saw that wonderfully shown depth rather than this bland and lukewarm take on the holts overall.

jay is a victim, he is traumatized, he deserved to one day spread his wings and put some distance between himself and his family ... but he was not the only one who deserved that ending, and he was not the only victim there. he was merely the only one with easy to parse trauma responses.

#as dusk falls #interior night #jay holt #dale holt #tyler holt #the holt family #meta post #ngl i'll make fancier tags eventually because i do not wanna clog the adf tag but this'll do #this was not supposed to be my first post yet i feel very strongly about this topic and the holts so um #here we go i guess! #cannot stress enough the literal dev of interior night has said the holts do want what's best for each other #they just have different ideas of what that best is! so it comes out wrong and warped and sometimes mean spirited #but they aren't just 2-bit abusers with signs on their heads saying : i hate jay and abuse him on the regular im a monster kill me #like do you know how much it wrecked me going through variations of the jay in prison scenes and seeing him say like #that tyler might even be happy out there as a fugitive. and that jay wants that for him? for tyler to be happy? #even jay himself comes into his wisdom which has always been there and acknowledges his love for his family #and the fact tyler and dale were miserable going on the way they were. just like he was! #the game centers around the holts and the walkers because they are two families that love each other and fumble the landing of it #jim lies to vince over something unforgivable. yet lying is all he knows. yet he did it out of a selfish love for his son #michelle cheats on vince which is awful and tries to paint it as something not important but she loves vince #is even willing to let him indulge in petty revenge ( which is missing the point ) so that they can stay together! #terrible things they're doing but it never takes away from the fact they love vince and zoe #a sentiment echoed by the holts! #idk like i know this take might get me killed but seeing morally gray games get the black and white treatment kills me #you are missing the true brilliance of adf's writing! you are missing some amazing characters! #also jay is not some unflawed creature. he literally can get so jealous over some girl that he isn't dating to the point of MAIMING a guy #he could've killed todd. he probably almost did! vanessa even says he might be more like his family than he thinks #and even if you don't choose this option it is still inside him. this paranoid jealousy and brutal violence #he can shoot vince or watch him die. he can let his dad die. he can bury someone alive. he can kill a cop and some poor ranger #dale and tyler and jay might be different characters and were shaped differently but they're still the same at their core

[sysig]

Only the cutest prettiest sparkliest aliens (Patreon)

Bonus comparison | 2023 | 2021

Oh no he’s been yasssified

#Doodles #SCII #Arilou #ZEX #YIK #Leftover SCII doodles! Remember how I left off on SCII at the end of September? That feels so long ago! #I had a few ancillary doodles left over ♪ A bit of Pirate Fic a bit of just general silliness :) Fun! #Outfit designing for the guest Arilou at the Captain's defense-planning table :D Cute! #I went looking for references of maritime naval uniforms for them as well but nothing in particular stood out to me :P A shame #So I mostly went with something comfortable and easy to move in :D And cute of course! The Arilou's shoes in their actual outfits are ♪ cute #They also give me Knifecat vibes lol - I guess I'll have to see how that holds up once I meet one for real #Looking forward to it for sure! #A couple of ZEXes - thinking around flintlock pistols! Again while I was rewatching Muppet Treasure Island lol #Gosh that feels like years ago now haha - but the scene where Silver leaves in the boat with the stolen treasure #I just like ZEX with weapons ♪ Doesn't intend to use them just puffing up to appear more deadly than he wants to have to act on #Always always paired with the knowledge of his history and where he stands with other humans - the blood on his hands! (Arms? Tentacles?) #But he wouldn't really want to hurt him <3 Would he even be able to? I guess it's mostly a matter of aim and fire #One arm around the barrel - ouch - and one squeezing the trigger #These weapons are not made with VUX in mind! #A Very pretty ZEX - there was an animation meme going around and my brain was Fighting me for who it would better suit #Between Scriabin and ZEX actually lol - normally it'd be an easy choice (which way??) but I was So in on SCII at that moment #It was the GOD meme - first of all so many gorgeous entries hhhh <3 <3 But they are honestly both kinda perfect for it?? #ZEX wins this time ♪ Good for him #And rounding off with a YIK <3 <3 <3 #I don't remember if there was any inspiration for drawing her in a veil other than just - she pretty ♥ No thought just YIK 💖 #She did end up super pretty :) I think veils would work well for VUX! Especially like jewel or gold embroidered ♪ All the decoration! #Oh and technically sort of one more - I had forgotten I'd made a similarly-posed doodle of ZEX a bit back lol #Interesting style evolution and Totally Nothing Else lol

[seariii]

You know what? Worst case scenario that I don't finish my personal drawings for vslentines, I'll just post them a day (or a couple) later, who cares. It's cute Saori art, and she and all of the characters deserve to have some fun

#i have a really cute idea for a drawing of her with mappi but idk if i have the skills.... i could still try it... #but yeah that one's for later #seari talks #sigh... i feel like i didnt do a lot today but.. i do feel a lot better and a little more capable... so improving my mood was todays victory #i didnt do everything i had planned but the most urgent stuff is done... and as scary as it is i guess it could be fun to look aroudn... #whatever happens... its gonna be useful. we gotta do it scared heh #and after this is done and we see how everything plays out ill try to retake therapy... even if for just two sessions... #.... omg wait I'll actually be Mitsumi for real JAJAJAJAJAJA damn at least she had a goal im just trying my luck...