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i-love-pie-and-satan · 4 years

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A Self-Indulgent Reader Insert

Note: Alright so I mostly wrote this because I’ve been dying to write a reader insert to the point where I can’t focus on my multichapter fic. So this is mostly getting it out of my system but idk if people like this sort of stuff, then I’m all for writing more. In the meantime, have my garbage.

The first thing you noticed was the smell. It was like a dying animal vomited up something rancid then curled up and died in said vomit before some kid set the whole scene on fire. It made you want to gag. Groaning, you tried to put a hand to your face to block the smell but your hand wasn’t much better.

Why did you smell so bad? When was the last time you showered?

The next thing you notice is the weird slimy feeling on your back. That actually makes you gag. Mustering up the strength, you push yourself up and blink away the spots that danced in and out of your vision. For a moment, you briefly panic over the thought of being blind but then your eyes adjust to the low flickering light. From what you could tell, you were in some back alley between two dumpsters. That probably explained the slime you had woken up in. Probably best to ignore it unless you wanted to add to the stench with some vomit of your own.

Doing your best to ignore the painful throbbing in your head, you pushed yourself shakily to your feet and look up and down the alley. One side looked to lead to a dead-end so you headed the other direction, towards the opening of the alley and the source of the flickering light. As you approached, you raised a hand to shield your sensitive eyes and paused at the opening of the alley.

Where even were you? You didn't recognize anything around you so how did you get here?

It opened up on to a mostly abandon street that you didn't recognize in the slightest. The only people in sight were a small cluster that stood before a roaring fire. There seemed to be something large in the fire before them but you couldn't quite make it out from where you stood.

"We got the money," came a voice, making you jump. "We should skedaddle before any heroes get here, yeah?"

Heroes? Did they mean police? Or law enforcement?

After a moment, the same voice called out again, as if trying to get someone's attention. "Overhaul?"

"Overhaul," you repeat, voice just above a whisper. The name sounded familiar, though only in some vague way. Frowning, you tried to follow that string of the thought. Where had you heard that before? You knew there had to be something.

Then, floating up from some dark corner of your mind, a quote came to you. "They're all sick," you said, the words feeling foreign on your tongue. "Every last one of them." You weren't speaking a language you were familiar with and yet it came easily. Was this your native language? It really didn't feel like it but you also didn't fumble over it.

"Hey!" The shout abruptly yanked you out of your thoughts, snapping you back to reality. You couldn't tell which one was yelling at you due to the strange, beak-like masks they all wore but the one with the green and purple jacket was now approaching you. "Pay attention when Overhaul is speaking to you!"

"I-"

"I asked you to repeat yourself," said the one in the jacket, stopping a few feet away from you.

Shrinking back against the wall of the building behind you, you swallowed hard and said, "I-I said 'they're all sick, every last one of them.' That's, um, that's what you were going to say, right?"

Raising an eyebrow, he asked, "And just how did you know that?" His voice sent a chill down your spine, setting you on edge.

As you opened your mouth to respond, you came to the sudden abrupt realization that you had absolutely no idea how you knew he'd say that. It was distressing to acknowledge it but you were coming to the realization that you didn't know how you knew a lot. "I don't know?" you said, the statement coming out as more of a question than you'd like.

"You don't seem very sure of that," Overhaul said sourly, before turning and gesturing to one of the others in his group. As the man with the wide brim hat approached, Overhaul turned to glare down at you again.

The man in the hat (you were pretty sure his name was Nemoto) stared down at you. Like a wave of icy wind, you felt a question pulse through you. "How did you know what Overhaul would say?"

Before you could even think, the words were already spilling out of you."I-I remembered it. From something I watched." The answer probably shocked you more than the two yakuza members.

"What were you doing in that alleyway?"

"I don't know," you said with a shrug. "I just woke up and there I was."

Rolling his eyes, Overhaul crossed his arms over his chest and demanded, "Is there anything you do know?"

"What do you know?"

Again, it seemed as if words were just spilling out of you or maybe being yanked out of you by force. "I, um, know that you go by Overhaul and that the guy in the hat is called Nemoto and the one over there in the hood is Chronostasis and the big guy is Katsukame. Oh, and we're are currently being watched by Twice." You looked just as surprised as Overhaul but, though you had no idea how you knew, you knew you were right. You knew these people more or less by name. You were also now painfully aware of the man at the end of the street watching the whole group.

Glancing down the street, Overhaul considered you once more. "Your quirk," he said, voice dropping dangerously low.

"What is your quirk?"

"I don't have one," you said, the words being forced out of you once more.

Humming, Overhaul turned and said, "Chrono, pack everything up while I deal with the League's little rat."

You watched wearily as Overhaul went to handle Twice at the end of the street, jumping slightly as Chrono lept from his perch on the parked van. "You heard the boss," he said curtly, "Let's wrap this up quickly. Hey, that includes you." You start slightly as Chrono turned his masked gaze on you.

"I don't..." you murmur, taking a small step back.

"Don't even think about running," snapped the largest of the group, Katsukame, as he pulled open the back doors of the van. "You won't get far."

"Do us a favor and make this easy on all of, alright? You're lucky we weren't ordered to kill you outright," Nemoto said with an annoyed sigh.

They were right. You wouldn't get far, especially since you had no idea where you were. That's not even considering the fact that you apparently speak Japanese and only remembered vague details about random people around you. Taking a steadying breath, you nodded slightly and let yourself be herded into the backseat of the van's main cabin next to Nemoto.

After a few minutes, Overhaul returned to the van and climbed into the front passenger seat. "Chrono, get us back to base and clear my schedule for the evening. I have a meeting with the League of Villains to attend to."

"Yessir," Chrono said curtly, starting up the car. "And what would you like us to do with the extra?" You frowned at being called an extra but held your tongue. You only knew the barest of basics about them but the air around the gang alone was enough for you to pick up on just how dangerous they could be.

"The extra?" Overhaul hummed, turning his head just enough to look at you. Trying not to squirm, you met his gaze. "That's a bit rude, don't you think?"

It took you a minute to realize he was asking you. "Oh, um, I guess."

"So, are you going to give us something else to call you?"

You looked away, frowning in concentration. You had to remember something about yourself. Even if it was something small, you should have had some vague notion of who you were but, if you did remember anything, it wasn't making itself known. "Nothing," you said softly, not looking up.

Overhaul sighed and turned back to the front. "Shame. Extra it is then. And put on a mask. Until you get cleaned and we know for sure if you have a quirk, I refuse to breathe the same air as you."

"Here. Put this one on," Nemoto said, holding out a black, cloth face mask. Nodding, you take it and put it on over your nose and mouth.

While the van fell silent, you decided to take inventory of your memories. It wasn't much but, if you could figure out what you did know, it would help you know what blanks to fill in.

You started with Overhaul since it was the first thing to sound familiar. You knew he was the acting leader of the Shie Hassaikai, a small-time yakuza. His quirk was Overhaul, a power that let him pretty much complete disassemble and reassemble matter. You vaguely remember something about a phobia of germs and an isolated childhood but nothing was all that solid. Then there were his subordinates. Chronostasis, Nemoto, and Katsukame. You could remember their quirks and full names but other than that, nothing.

Then there's Twice. You remembered more about him, more than just his name and quirk. He was a part of the League of Villains and had developed something of a personality disorder after abusing his quirk. Concentrating on the villain, you did your best to follow the line of thought. Screwing up your eyes, you try to remember.

"He... wants to recruit you," you said softly, pressing a knuckle to the center of your forehead. You could see it, just barely. It was Overhaul and Twice before a group of people who you were pretty sure was the League of Villains. There was blood, too, and someone crumbling to dust. "But you aren't going to agree. You're going to...kill someone, I think, and someone else will crumble to dust. And...um...that's all I can recall." You dropped your hand to your lap and sigh softly.

"How do you know this?"

The sudden question makes you jump and you speak quickly. "I remember it from something. I think it's a show but I just can't quite remember where I watched it."

There's a long moment of silence, in which you lock eyes with Overhaul again. Finally, he said, "When we get back to base, I'll have someone do a blood test on you so we can be sure of the status of your quirk. From there, we will discuss this further. I want to know anything you can tell me about tonight."

Sensing that you weren't going to have much of a say in any of this, you nodded and sunk a little more into your seat.

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shannons-striving · 6 years

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Bone Marrows & Dominos:

Today was chemo day 8! I started the day in the most foul mood. I was tired and so very done with everyone. People constantly checking on me and getting poked/prodded, really gets to you after some time. I’m such a private person, too. I value my space so much.

I got my second lumbar puncture/bone marrow test today. I should get some small indication of how things are going tomorrow. The test itself was fine, again. I really really don’t find them painful, just a really odd feeling. It’s actually kinda nice to get some sedation and gas and air, it’s a good excuse to be high for a little bit. My dad came in with me, so I was a bit worried that it’d scare him. I know he didn’t like the parts where I winced (from the pressure/nerves) but It was nice to have him there. I think I handled it really well. I hopefully won’t need another one for roughly 2 weeks now!

Lowri then popped over, followed by Rey, Taf, Arwel, and, Demi later on. It was good to hang around with them. I bought us all a Dominos, I’ve been super hungry! The steroids must be working wonders. I really hope that keeps up.

-I suffer severely with emetophobia (phobia of vomiting) so the nausea side of chemo is something I want high control over. They say they have a variety of anti-sickness meds out there, and we’ll do everything we can to help me with it. The thought just ruins me.

There was a time where my phobia/anxiety/mental illness in general drove me to a very dark place. At the end of last year I remember being on the phone to Samaritans, absolutely desperate. I didn’t think life could get worse. When it rains, it pours, eh?

I feel like in the past two weeks I’ve become a different person entirely. I don’t know how the hell I’m doing it. But I know one thing for sure, if i can get through this then I can get through ANYTHING. I plan to grab life by the balls from now on. I’ve been handed enough shit these past few years and as guilty and as self loathing as I can be, I know this is not fair. It’s not fair that I’m going through this. Nobody should.

Tomorrow I get my 2 intravenous chemo drugs. They make me most nervous. Again, there’s no pain. I just hate watching that neon red poison pump through me. It’s just knowing that it’s circulating me. I think the spinal injection is confined to just the spinal fluid, where as the IV’s will be pumped around all my organs. That freaks me out. Good news is that my Reflexologist will be here tomorrow though! So at least I’ll get a really nice foot message out of it. It makes a really nice little treat. Some people really do swear by reflexology. I want to look into lots of holistic/complimentary spa treatments to try out once I’m able. Really interested in reflexology, reiki, and acupuncture. Someone be sure to let me know if you know of anything that could be beneficial! Even if it’s just a massage, facial, and a manicure. I’m so keen to do things that are just self indulgent and nice. If this isn’t an excuse to treat myself, then what is? I’m very keen to find some perks/benefits to cancer. TREAT YO SELF.

All in all, a good day, I think. I’m riding the waves as they come and I don’t think there’s much more I could possibly do to try and help myself. Going to talk to the psychologist again when possible, and just pour out some feelings. I think what I need more than anything right now, Is to be reaffirmed that I am doing okay. People keep telling me that I’m doing great, but I want it from the professionals. I’ve become a bit of a teachers pet and it’s really stupid. I’ve always had this weird egotistical drive to impress people, even though I don’t know how to in this situation. I always want to start asking the hard questions about my prognosis and how they think things currently look. But... that’s a bit scary and soon right now. Oh well, here’s to tomorrow! Fingers crossed all goes well and at the very least my feet will feel amazing.

#acute lymphoblastic leukemia #cancer #chemotherapy #emetophobia #anxiety #ALL #leukemia #reflexology #bone marrow

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jessgartner · 4 years

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2019 Life Olympics

At the end of 2018, I was fried: emotionally, physically, financially. It had been a brutal year that took a huge toll on my health and home. I kept having these episodes where I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing so fast that I worried it would explode. My GERD was the worst it had ever been, I was head-cold sick more than not, and I was literally struggling to breathe. The past few years of work were catching up to me and my body was showing it. I was honestly starting to feel like I would certainly die of some stress-related disorder before I turned 40. And then one of my friends died from a heart-attack and I made the decision that some things had to change. My friends tease me that I only do things in my personal life when they benefit Allovue and in many ways, this was true here, too. I realized last year that I wanted to do this work for a long time to come. And I realized that my life's work would be cut pretty short if I killed myself from stress before I turned 35. When I shared this with my exec coach as well as how past attempts to prioritize my health had always fallen by the wayside she said, "Well. I think you're just going to have to make up your mind to... do it." So I did it.

This year was all about getting my body, mind, and heart in a place that allows me to do work that I care about for the rest of my life if I want to (and ensuring that the "rest of my life" is actually a good long time). 2019 was about setting boundaries on my time and energy so that I could be a fully-functioning whole healthy person. And it turned out that in a year in which my general mantra was to "do less" (no more setting +30 annuals goals and working myself into a stress-addled mess), my life felt the fullest. Here we go:

2019 Life Olympics Recap

Career - Gold

Please try not to laugh at my extremely "duh" realization that the more I took care of myself, the more the company thrived. My exec coach deemed my transition from December 2018 to January 2019 a "DOS to Windows" level upgrade in my general approach to business strategy. In no small part, this is because we were raising money and it's just a little easier to feel confident with $4M in fresh funding in the bank. But I took that gasoline and poured fire on it - unleashing ideas and plans and ambitions that I had been holding back on for years. One Board member asked me in December, "Do you want to be a large chicken or do you want to be a 10-ft tall murder bird?"

Let's not psychoanalyze this too much but for some reason this image really resonated with me and I spent the better part of this year channeling this vibrant Cassowary:

Don't ask me why, but it worked. Allovue had a banner year and we're on track to fulfilling a vision that I have been working towards for 7 nearly years.

Sharply juxtaposed with my murder bird imagery, it's worth mentioning another consequence from this year of being a whole person: I was kinder. It turns out that sleep and exercise and proper nutrition increase your capacity for patience and kindness, too. I made more time for people and I felt less reactive. I was able to process setbacks more quickly and productively. I had energy for more team outings. I started doing weekly CEO Chats where I spend 30 minutes 1:1 with every member of the company. It's my favorite part of the week. I even noticed this in small ways, like having the energy to make friendly conversation with Lyft drivers. Being too tired to be friendly is a state of being that I plan I leave in the dust of this decade.

Lastly, this year I felt like I led the company with the most love. Love for the work, love for our team, and love for our partners. While there are many forces and headlines in this capitalist world that may lead you to believe that love and success are incompatible, I humbly, flatly disagree. Leading from a place of love and kindness is the only way that feels right to me. And if the past few years have taught me anything about business: if it feels right, it is right. They don't call it the golden rule for nothin'.

Home - Silver

This was a tricky one! First: there were no catastrophes this year! After 2018's cascade of house-related disasters (ceiling caving in! flood! awful tenants! roof leaks!) I was hoping the gods of hearth and home would leave me alone this year. As a peace offering, I gave my bedroom a little makeover and finalized my will. For good measure, I cleaned up my backyard and built a little porch. And my property manager has been an actual gift from the heavens. All was quiet on the homefront this year.

But, um. Finance is also in this category. And on matters of personal finance this year? Well, this was an area of my life considerably devoid of boundaries. Dinners, drinks, wine clubs, concerts, personal training, specialists, massages, travel, shopping, new hobbies, home improvements - I did it all. I was a pure hedonist this whole year, as you probably already know if you follow me on Instagram. So why did this spending spree year not plunge me into the depths of "Did Not Place"? Because I believe in balance in all things. Since starting Allovue, I've been very scrappy. In the first year of Allovue, my gross income was $9K. The following year, it was about $20K. It's risen to more livable wages over the past 5 years, but I've still been at-times frugal to a fault. So this year, I let loose a little. I indulged. I explored. I released myself from fretting about whether I should splurge the extra $4 on the meal I really wanted. I tipped very generously. I had a LOT of fun. But I still did all of this within my means, so it's not as though I drove myself into debt on fancy dinners. I had many wonderful experiences this year and no regrets about a year of limited saving. Next year, though, is going to be a year of saving and mostly free fun. I already canceled the wine club memberships.

Health - Gold

GOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDD. I've never given myself Gold in this category before! I'm actually tearing up a little bit right now because it took me 10 years of working at this entirely self-constructed, self-imposed framework for adult living to feel like I did a good job taking care of my own physical health but I did it and I feel great. I had so much help, though! I worked with an allergist who helped with my persistent colds (non-allergic rhinitis from years of not treating my allergies effectively)

and

GERD (apparently sinus health is closely connected with digestive health). I worked with a personal trainer to help me learn more about strength training and increased my muscle mass by about 5%. I worked with a nutritionist who helped me identify food triggers and get rid of the GERD entirely and get off all the prescription meds I had been using to treat it. I started working with a therapist to take care of my mental health. I increased my physical activity by 250% and had the most consistent year of exercise ever. I slept well. I took vacations and breaks when I needed them. I reduced my sugar intake. I learned about protein! I figured out the daily breakdown of fat, protein, and carbs that makes me feel best. And perhaps most importantly, I didn't allow my energy to be drained by things that I had no power over. There is really something to that serenity prayer and I can't overstate the benefit to physical and mental health by learning to recognize the things that are out of my control and letting that shit go.

So this was a categorical improvement for me this year, but there is still a lot of work I need to do in the next decade on my body image. It's hard for me to admit this but I think it's important to be honest about challenges as much as celebrating successes. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled mightily with body dysmorphia, disordered eating, and general body image. At times, I have starved myself on as little as 800-calories a day; I have tried every fast, juice-cleanse, colon-cleanse, fad diet, and magic pill on the market. The negative self-talk is constant and vicious; I often wonder what on earth I could accomplish if I ever managed to free up all that mental energy. I have a near-phobia of taking pictures because I am so paranoid about how I will look. I have a complicated relationship with mirrors. I have extreme anxiety about bread. In the summer of 2016 I contracted a food-borne illness on vacation and couldn't eat or drink much of anything without vomiting for two months. I had a parasite and it was the best I had ever felt about my body.

I'm not utterly lacking in self-confidence: I have confidence in my ideas, my ability to solve problems, my judgment, my ability to love, and my capacity for creativity. But I live in a world that constantly reminds me that what's in a woman's head doesn't count for much if we can't count her abs. I have been thus far unsuccessful at squelching that narrative internally. For a while, I was under the impression that this was just a narrative of immaturity. I imagined that when I turned 30, I would suddenly be very wise and self-accepting. When that didn't happen, the body-hate somehow intensified instead: How are you over 30 and still obsessing over this? Why can't you let this go?

This is a work in progress and something I'm going to prioritize with my therapist and nutritionist in 2020. My goal is to someday be able to look in the mirror or at a picture of myself and feel proud. Please do not interpret this as an invitation to tell me that I look good or that you think I'm thin or pretty or whatever. It is not invited and it will not help. I do not need any external validation on these matters; this is an inside job. I don't feel comfortable sharing all of this, but if there's anyone else out there who always feels like they are 10, 15, or 100 pounds away from happiness, know that you are not alone.

Soul - Gold

Picking up the thread on spending, you can see that I really enjoyed myself this year. I indulged in everything that brings me pleasure and joy this year: delicious gastronomic experiences; travel to Cancun, London, Amsterdam, Vancouver, Miami, and Tulum; concerts; plays; museums; singing. I felt creatively on fire this year and attribute a good chunk of that to surrounding myself with creative energy at every occasion. I also rediscovered a love of camping this year. I bought some new gear and enjoyed several camping trips around Maryland before it got too cold this Fall. My only failing/complaint in this category is that I had a lackluster and uninspired year of reading and writing. I think it was offset enough by my other creative experiences but I do want to reprioritize reading again next year.

Relationships - Gold

I know this category is the only one you care about and that's why I save it for last. Hopefully, I tricked you into caring about the rest of my life, but if you skipped to the end I'll forgive you. As many of you know, this year I took a big hiatus from dating. I quietly started my hiatus around September of 2018 and broke my hiatus in August 2019 when I met someone in real life who I actually wanted to go out with. Probably because I was fried in other realms in my life, I was beyond exhausted with dating last year. It became something I completely dreaded and I decided I needed a long hard break from trying. Did it work? Yes. Better than I imagined.

Up until hiatus, dating felt like something I needed to do to fill a missing part of my life or myself. I was operating from a deficit standpoint. I felt like lots of things in my life were great but my singleness represented some hole or flaw that needed correcting. As a result, the act of dating felt extremely high stakes and I always felt anxious and insecure about it. Giving myself the freedom to not care or not try at all was truly liberating. Suddenly, I was not worried about reserving time and space in my life for something or someone that may or may not materialize. I made plans with friends, I went on trips, and I planned my evenings and weekends with zero regards to men who may or may not commit to plans; who may or may not cancel at the last moment. My life felt instantly larger. Time and space just expanded. Instead of feeling like a restriction, my world opened up. I spent so much time with friends this year. And did I mention how much fun I had? I also made more time for my parents and enjoyed trips and concerts and other activities with them, too.

I'm dating again but it feels completely different now. I learned that my life and my heart are already full. Nothing at all is missing or broken. Now dating is a value-add activity only and that is a completely different game - one that doesn't make me feel anxious at all. I also learned to expand my definition of love this year. All the romantic rhetoric about finding "the one" or finding love "at last" or "saving love" are really... limiting. Taking romantic love off the table for a year allowed me to receive and give love in so many other ways: friend love, parental love, coworker love, self-love, city love, etc. In a year that I thought would require an absence of love, I actually experienced the greatest abundance of love. My definition of love had been narrow; I was being far too precious about it. As I expanded my definition, I experienced love and gave it more abundantly. So I guess it's true what they say: you find love when you stop looking for it - it just looks and feels differently than I expected.

2020

So that's a wrap on 10 years of the Life Olympics! Next year, I am planning to bring lots of energy inspired by Baby Yoda and Moira Rose. My theme for 2020 is Intention because I want to take the energy I feel right now and deploy it with more intentionality next year - bringing increased mindfulness to how I spend my time, money, physical and mental energy. And because I love wordplay, I also literally want to spend more time camping "in-tent" to enjoy more peace and quiet and beauty in nature.

When I started working with the nutritionist she gave me a list about "Mindful Eating" which I scoffed at for having tips like "Chew your food" but decided to try anyway. As it turns out, I was not really chewing my food at all, so much as just quickly and eagerly swallowing whole bites - much like the rest of my life. In 2020, instead of swallowing life whole, I'll learn to chew it.

#lifeolympics

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