#i haven't even really gotten to the actual miserable parts yet

[em-dashes]

well here’s the thing right i feel like i can’t work on aphelion for long periods of time because it’s just absolutely fucking miserable. like i already UN-miserable-fied it a few times in the past draft but it’s still a huge fucking bummer. now that suddence is getting a rest, i think maybe i’ll secretly start another wip so that i don’t have to spend all my writing time on the miserable chunky potato cream soup that is aphelion

#em dashes #i haven't even really gotten to the actual miserable parts yet #this is all just setup #and already i'm like fuck. shit. idk if i can do this #i'd rather be working on my sapphic fantasy thing #but i also don't want to just straight up abandon aphelion #i don't think it's gotten to that point #i just Have to be in a very specific mood to work on it #AND it's a polish pass so i can't just write whatever i want to bulk up the word count the way i did with suddence

[stanleyparableaudio]

Transcript:

Oh, wait, what is this?

Wait wait wait, this is all wrong! This isn't The Stanley Parable, this is a game where you press a button and it says 'eight'!

Not only is The Stanley Parable not a game about continuously pressing the number 'eight', I can guarantee that this button does not appear anywhere in the full game.

Why is this here instead of the demo for The Stanley Parable! Where did the demo go?! There was an actual demo here before, something has gone wrong, it's all gone horribly wrong!

We need to get you out of here before you start forming impressions of The Stanley Parable based on whatever the hell this 'eight' game is. We need to get out, we need to start all over, you mustn't stay here another minute! OUT! OUT! OUT! GO GO GO!

Now I think you've misunderstood me, so let me reiterate as clearly as I can: This is not The Stanley Parable! What you are doing is pushing a button over and over that does nothing but speak the word 'eight'. Has that gotten through?

You may be continuing to press this button under the impression that you're playing The Stanley Parable right now - an assumption that is, I should remind you again, entirely erroneous.

It doesn't even make sense, why would I have gone to all of this elaborate setup just to demonstrate a game that doesn't do a single thing except repeat the word 'eight'.

The waiting room, the green room, the tour of the facility, all of that for no reason other than to contextualize and build up this particular game? Why?! What about this game deserves any of that time and attention? Are you seeing something in it that I'm not?

Okay, so here's the deal: It isn't possible that you still think this is The Stanley Parable. I've restated the fact too many times.

Which means you are now consciously choosing to delay the actual demo as long as possible, is that it? Are you afraid of The Stanley Parable?

I suppose another possibility is that you can't hear me because you're playing with the sound off. In which case what are you even getting out of this "eight" game in the first place? This scenario is perhaps even MORE concerning.

You really are finding this amusing, aren't you. The experience of pushing a button and it says "eight". Is this intrinsically captivating to you on its own, as a legitimate experience?

I mean, I'm starting to wrap my head around the idea but it's not all the way there. *sigh* I guess I shouldn't be surprised, this is coming from the person who sat in the waiting room when the door was open right there.

If you're the kind of person this demo is targeting, I guess I should be a little concerned for our sales numbers.

The funny thing is you haven't even played The Stanley Parable yet. How can you be so sure that this is the better game? Is this simply more compelling than you imagine The Stanley Parable to be?

Have you formed such a rich vision of the game already? What exactly did I do that gave you such a miserable, awful impression of what it's like to play The Stanley Parable? Was it the dance? Yes, it was almost certainly the dance. I regret that now.

Well, the good part is that if this is your metric for quality in a game, when we DO get to The Stanley Parable, you'll be THRILLED! SHOCKED! BLOWN AWAY! Every one of your faculties will be enraptured by the experience of a game that does anything more than say "eight" over and over.

Yes, I can't wait for your entire world to be shattered and rebuilt, a magical moment we'll all share together.

Ok, I'm not going to pretend I don't know what's going on here. You are so utterly compelled by this game that you don't intend to stop playing it until you pass out from physical exhaustion.

Well, tell you what: I'll just be right here and wait for you to finish, I'm sure that The Stanley Parable demo will still be out there somewhere when you're all done.

In the mean time, I'm going to stop acknowledging you and just let you get it out of your system. Please, enjoy the "eight" game; take as much time as you need!

#taking the eight out of the eight game #voice #request audio #the stanley parable demo

[rise-my-angel]

Heart of the Great Wolf got me SOBBING bro, your writing is immaculate 🫡🙏🏼

PRAISE MAKES ME ANXIOUS

Do you like read more cus I put a read more on this one cus as per usual my response turned into this:

I am deadass so nervous because I am like 15 chapters written in advance right now, so everyone's being so kind about chapters I wrote like over a month ago and now I'm so nervously rereading my new ones worried they'll be disappointing.

What was essentially the Robb era of hotgw has come to an end, and we're about to enter the Jon era and a lot of my favourite parts of this series are in these next unreleased chapters. A lot of set up in the first 15 chapters has been building up to so much of what's going to start playing out and I can't help but feel nervous everytime yall are so nice. Because now I'm entering that prime era of:

"Remember when Game of Thrones was really good then it started going downhill and everyone ended up hating it?"

Now I'm looking at what is much more going to be more original not show/book dependent content and I'm like: WHAT IF THEY HATE IT WHAT IF IM JUST AS A DISASTER AS SEASON FUCKING 7.

Also I mean kudos to yall still sticking with it because this fucking series is so long. I just finished chapter 30 on Monday and I still am on what would be the plot equivalent of early season 7. I still haven't actually gotten to fucking winter yet. (Which to be fair plays out a lot different then the show so it's not going to be even comparable)

And the Jon era of the series starts having more flashbacks and other povs (granted typically those chapters are longer to make up for it), and a lot of scenes are what I call classic season 1-4 GoT scenes which are mostly just quiet dialouge that doesnt necessarily move the plot forward but are necessary for character development, world building, and narrative themes and foreshadowing.

That and I'm in the era of "Jon was fucking abysmally mistreated and miserable in the show by this point" so my Jon frame of reference is so skewed by bad characterization I'm worried he comes off as out of character. Whereas other characters I'm immensely proud of my work such as my character work for Theon Greyjoy, Selyse Baratheon, and Olly specifically. I really love the work I put into what I think was really bad late show (season 5 fof Selyse, season 6 for Olly, and season 6 - 8 for Theon) and yet I'm also finding writing Jon to come so naturally to me yet I'm worried I somehow will do worse then..

Also I start really cementing certain positions I hold now, especially in regards to hot topics such as my opinions about Jon being a rape victim of Ygritte, my opinions on the subject of dragons and Targaryean restoration, stuff about Robert's Rebellion I've purposely ignored, and I start including a very specific book plot ignored by the show and can only hope show only or show preferring fans will not get taken out of it for those plots being used instead of certain show ones.

I'm just really passionate about asoiaf and early Game of Thrones I always have been and finding the motivation to write 30 chapters of like an average of 11k each for a fic is insane to me and its baffling anyone still reads it let alone likes it.

But it's my favorite series I've ever done, I think about it pretty much non stop, all day everyday. If I'm not writing I am actively outlining and brainstorming and rewatching and re reading the show and books to make sure I have a grasp in this world and its characters in a fair manner. asoiaf/GoT was one of the biggest influences on my musing influences and direction as a fiction writer. It has always been more special to me then I've talked about (mostly because during its prime peak I was in high school and college and was not terribly active in fandom due to work load) and then when I got back into it it was after the final season and all anyone wanted to talk about was how bad it got. I look at the final 3 and a half (I think season 5 is mostly bad but Castle Black is a great storyline right up until the comedy that is dumb and dumber just ending the Baratheon storyline for good cus it was between writing Euron "Bick Cock" Finger in the Bum, or writing a real storyline for one of your moat interesting morally grey characters that was post blackwater Stannis) but I like figuring out why it's bad and where it could have taken those ideas to make them work and a lot of that meta became aspects of hotgw, and its essentially an extension of what I love about this series regardless of the bad.

This went on for a long time for no reason, JUST LIKE MY HOTGW CHAPTER LENGTHS-

#its not even 11am why do i always answer asks in the morning when my brain is going 800 km per second

[trilobiter]

I haven't mentioned it yet because I didn't really know what to say about it, but my wife and I got covid on our way back from vacation last weekend. Almost precisely three years after we cancelled our first attempt to go on this vacation because of, well, covid.

This is the first time either of us have ever tested positive for covid, and we have tested whenever we've felt sick. And this is definitely the sickest I've felt since I last had the flu, which was incidentally just before the pandemic began.

The scariest part for me was when she had a high fever for several days, and I didn't know how high it would get or how long it would last. We've both been vaccinated and received every available booster, but when it's all happening you just can't take anything for granted. Fevers are terrifying.

But the most physically miserable part for me is the sore throat. I've actually lost track a few times of how long we've been sick, partly because of not ever leaving the house, but partly because my throat has kept me from sleeping much of the last two (three?) nights. Part of the reason I'm even writing this is because I'm anxious about trying to go to bed now. The fatigue, the coughing, the congestion, the chills and aches; those are all just kind of icing on this sore throat cake.

Like I said, we're both vaccinated, and neither of us have needed to be hospitalized. She's taking paxlovid because of concerns about her chronic conditions: I was given the option, but the doctor said that my case appeared so mild that the side effects might not be worth it, so I passed. But mild or not, it's really been kicking my ass.

At this stage it seems like we'll probably come out fine in the end. But I looked up the statistics and it remains a fact that people are still dying of this disease. Nearly seven million people in the world are known to have died of it. There's probably more. Sobering thought when you can't sleep.

If you haven't gotten vaccinated yet, I can now recommend from immediate personal experience that you do. Take the appropriate measures to blunt the impact of this thing, because even when the blow is blunted, it still hits hard. This virus doesn't fuck around.

Gonna go try and soothe my throat enough to sleep long enough to not go insane now.

#trilobiter #piecesoftape #A+ wife #healthcare

[peachshadows]

« I see you guys in my inbox and I will get to you but I'm just really surprised I haven't gotten an ask regarding the sun's spouse »

Yes, but that’s because I wasn’t there yet. No but for real, sv rip off and sundown are so trending on your blog right now that people may have not noticed the sun’s spouse.

But I have questions, or things I want to know more about like:

Ma and Macaque’s friendship, like it just feel so fulfilling. I don’t know how many times I’ve been reading again and again their parts. Like the fact that Ma is actually putting Macaque kind of at ease after everything he’s been through, she’s not making him leave his confort zone and she’s giving him enough space to breath, but Ma just make him relax so much and do not take badly what he says. This is making essentially Macaque lower his guard a bit and actually enjoying the moment he’s in. He knows (or at least she’s showing him) that she won’t hurt him and that she do appreciate his company, and this, this is just everything.

Actually I’ve been wondering, how did Liu fall in love with Wukong, like just time passing or something happened?

Then there’s Macaque slave’s past, and for how long has Macaque’s been a slace exactely, like there’s some parts that sugger that it’s actually been a really long time, but how much time ? And how did it even happen in the first place (if that’s a spoiler you accept to answer), ‘cause Macaque is certainly not that weak.

There was something too, how deep Macaque’s trauma runs down? Like I’ve found some parts which weren’t explicit, but they were bad. And the explicit one was bad too. So how deep it is ?

(I’ll come back if some things pass by my head)

-Water

Yeah Ma and Mac's relationship is literally my favorite thing to write in the sun's spouse. They're just so fun!

Well it was a mixture of Wukong's natural leadershipness and impulsiveness, and softness as a king that made Marshal Liu fall in love honestly

I'm pretty sure the timeframe of Macaque's captivity was 20 or 15 years but as for the other question it's a spoiler that I can't say just yet

As for Macaque's trauma, it really runs deep to the point he's in denial of it that he's acting everything is completely fine! And he's definitely not trapped at all! That he's definitely not miserable!

#asks #the sun's spouse

[yoshizora]

💖🤔🧠~

💖 What do you like most about your own writing?

i like adding ambiguity that can be interpreted in different ways! part of that is me just being indecisive about how certain things should be laid out, but the other part hopes to get comments from readers with their own interpretations (i have gotten comments like that before and they always make my day, especially if their interpretation is actually more creative and wowzers than what i originally intended lol).

🤔 What is the hardest part of writing fic?

WRITING

actually starting a fic to be more specific. once i get a scene rolling i can usually hammer out a short one-shot in one sitting, but just getting a beginning that feels satisfying enough to continue with is always like pulling teeth. i think i've gotten cold feet about it recently which is why i haven't posted anything for a while.

🧠 What’s an idea you have that you can’t quite call a WIP yet?

oh my god where do i even start

Hatate picking a fight with Megumu and losing miserably but Megumu is so impressed by her SHEER AUDACITY that she offers a promotion and Aya is just seething in the background

Wriggle venturing underground to look for the legendary centipede who would SURELY!!!!! help her regain her prestige as an insect youkai, but oops Momoyo is rude and dgaf about this rando weakling.

something about the concept of there originally being a lot more youkai followers of Byakuren's that were sealed underground with the Palanquin; they all gradually leave over the years when they realize they're technically free to do whatever they want in Old Hell, but Murasa is bound to the ship so she can't venture far. in the end, Ichirin (and Unzan) are the only ones left who stay with her.

slice of life about Murasa repeatedly drowning Mokou and the two of them having a weird friendship based around breaking their respective monotonies. Kaguya is probably somewhere there too idk.

a surreal piece about Renko having her own dreamlike spirited-away adventure in Gensokyo that ends up being about a strange feud between Megumu and Okina having a "territorial dispute" over Renko because of her own connection to the stars.

Megumu and Kanako teaming up to sell bogus tengu-warding crystals to humans. yes really

#mimicteruyo #every time i get a random idea i jot it down in a word doc and now i have too many #if only i had the confidence and motivation to actually write them all!!!!! #yoshizorask

[bills-pokedex]

(Mod Question)

Oh… was the state of Scarlet and Violet the reason why you took a hiatus?

{Admittedly, no—it just had hilariously excellent timing.

If we're talking about the blog alone, the hiatus was (and is, as it's still technically going on) purely accidental because of a cross between RL stuff and me spending a lot more time on original fic, which honestly makes me happier than writing fanfiction ever has. There's something about toying with a universe you've created entirely on your own—and, also admittedly, seeing how many people are actually interested in reading what you create. I'm actually working on three different novels at the moment, one of which I plan on self-publishing sometime next year (and another of which is a delightful fantasy romance that's best described as "powerverse meets FFXIV Endwalker," should anyone be interested), and the amount of support I've gotten from writeblr, Tumblr's writing community, for these novels has been incredible.

But really, I do it for the freedom and the peace of it. I sort of alluded to this when I left fandom as a whole, but when I was super involved with the fandom, I felt like I was constantly doing things for other people or changing parts of myself to please others, only to have people violate my boundaries, take advantage of me, treat me like crap, ignore me/my needs, etc, and then go off on me because I wasn't doing what they wanted. There are good people in fandom, don't get me wrong. It's just that there are also a lot of people who don't really acknowledge that other people on the internet are, you know. Other people. If you catch my drift.

Point is, I just wasn't having fun. At all. And I guess that's also why I haven't really been back all that much. It's been hard to do much with Pokémon because sometimes, when I look at anything to do with it, I'm just reminded of how many years I'd spent making myself miserable when I could have been embracing the things I love. Like, apparently, I really like film analysis, and I never really knew that before because I'd always spend my time talking about Pokémon? And lost media! I spent two hours watching somebody on YouTube talk about how they discovered the lost Saban Moon pilot, and it was incredible. And musicals—apparently, I love musicals too!

And then, the writing! I wrote an entire book that was probably about 75% one dude monologuing, and people actually liked it? Not a single comment was disparaging? They're excited to see me turn it into a book they can hold?

I guess what I'm trying to say is for a very long time, I wasn't having fun with fandom. If anything, I was just hanging around because I liked Bill and Lanette and because I felt like I had to in some respects. So I kinda had to leave to do my own thing and figure things out, and that became a hiatus for the blog too, not because I intended to leave it when I left fandom (I was planning on doing more of my own thing here, after all) but more because I realized I was just having more fun doing other stuff.

Now, again, don't get me wrong. I still like this blog and want to continue running it. It's just that it isn't as much of a priority for me as it used to be. Will I ever close the askbox and write an ending? Maybe. I'd thought about it, even. It's been a couple of years since we last really heard from Bill and Lanette, and I had thoughts about writing a post in which we find out they've gotten married and started in on a new project—maybe even lay the foundations of Halcyon Labs, as a nod to one of my fanfics. But if that post ever comes, it'll be some time far off, I think. I'm not quite done with this blog just yet.

But! Yes, I'm still on hiatus. Technically.}

#asks #from the mun

[insideoutstory]

Okay what is future Christine’s pregnancy like? Is she absolutely miserable or unsure? Is Steve constantly running out to get her stuff?

Okay heads up, I have ZERO experience writing pregnancy plot lines, and in the past, I have't been super into reading them. But when Steve Harrington tells you he wants six kids, you do what you need to do. So *rolls up sleeves* here we go! This got long, so I put it under a cut. 💕 🍼

Honestly, even though Chrissy and Steve have talked about kids a lot, she's still scared when the time rolls around. It's not so much that she's worried about being a bad mom - like Steve says, they've had practice. Also, she grew up in a single-parent household with a dad who did his best, she she knows that she doesn't need to be perfect so long as they can talk it out.

What scares Chrissy is the physical reality of pregnancy - because human reproduction is a nightmare and there are an endless amount of things that can go wrong. Chrissy knows more than the average person because she's so into science, so at the start, she's definitely terrified of all the different dangers.

Chrissy also struggles with feeling isolated sometimes, because she doesn't have her mom to help her through it. She can talk to Joyce or Claudia or Karen, but even then it's not the same. [Side note: I feel like Claudia is definitely the kind of mom who had like really weird cravings while she was pregnant with Dustin, and just assumes that that's how pregnancy is for everyone, which is how Chrissy ends up with a gift of pickles and peanut butter with absolutely no idea what to say.]

So Chrissy wishes she had the assurance of her real mom, who could tell her their family health history and what she went through carrying Christine. A lot of times she feels like she's wandering through the dark, and she can't tell if what she's experiencing is normal or something catastrophic she won't recognize until it's too late.

BUT

If there's something else we know about Christine, it's that she has the Mom Friend Gene which, outside of being maternal, means that the moment someone else is scared or nervous, it's easier for her to calm down. She will revert to being the rational person in the face of chaos and, lucky for Christine, she is surrounded by well-intentioned men who are the definition of chaos.

We're gonna tackle this in ascending order, most rational to the least rational.

5. Hopper

Okay, so y'all haven't gotten to this part of the story yet, but I promise that once everything in Season 2 calms down, Hopper and Christine are closer. He's best friends with her dad, and sort of a second paternal figure for her. Hopper isn't the kind of dad who panics in this situation, not after everything he's been through. He's actually really great at talking to Christine and calming her down because, by GOD, does this man know what it's like to be terrified of yourself as parent. Hopper is one of the few people Chrissy can talk to without putting on a brave face, which she really appreciates.

4. Pete

Chrissy's actual dad is a little more chaotic. We know that he's well-intentioned and great at communication, but he's also scatterbrained and a little hapless at times. He'll soothe Chrissy with stories about her mom, stories about herself when she was a baby, reassurances that the two of them will get through this together. Then he'll also come visit with a ton of gifts for his grandkids even though they haven't been born yet, only to remember that he didn't remember the take out Christine asked him to pick up.

3. Eddie

Listen, Eddie is terrified of the prospect of raising kids. We know he didn't have a good relationship with his dad, his mom isn't in the picture, and he grew up ostracized by society. He's terrified of being unable to save his kids from that, or unintentionally screwing them up in some different way. That being said, he talks about that fear a lot, so he's actively working it out. Despite his usual chaotic personality, he's usually pretty calm around Chrissy - like his brain is telling him he has to walk gently and soothe her. He'll do things like brush her hair for her or give her a massage, painting her nails, just hanging out doing nothing so she doesn't need to get up to change the thermostat or the TV.

Also he's constantly playing guitar for her, because this baby will know music. (He plays "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica as a lullaby and you can fight me on this because it is PERFECT for their family dynamic.)

2. Dustin

Dustin is so goddamn excited to be an uncle. He's also a nosy little shit who can't mind his own business, so he is 100% the type to grab a drink out of Chrissy's hands and tell her it's bad for the baby. Sees a box of Eddie's cigarettes? Throws them in the trash because they're bad for the baby. Steve leaves the Lysol out while he's cleaning the kitchen? Packs everything away in the middle of the operation because chemicals are bad for the baby. He's dangerously close to getting himself banned from the house for the last few months, but no one wants to lose the happy energy he brings to the place.

Also, you can bet that he's going through all his belongings trying to decide what to give to him. This kid will have their own complete set of Lord of the Rings before they're a month old, coloring books with superheroes, a radio in their room so Dustin can call without tying up the phone line. He's a nerd and an inventor, and the kid will be too.

Steve

We know this. You knew this. Steve is a well-meaning disaster and his brain has too many thoughts to function properly. He's excited. He's scared. He's thrilled. He's mortified. There's so much that he needs to do. Each day brings a different Steve: Handyman Steve who is baby-proofing the house months in advance to the point that he's accidentally locked himself out of the cabinets; Scholar Steve who's checked out every parenting book from the library to learn how to be the best dad he can be; Chef Steve who's taken all of Dustin's critiques to heart and is trying to learn how to cook a healthy meal so Chrissy doesn't need to stand in the kitchen; Doting Steve who will drive any distance at any time of day to get Christine what she needs at this exact moment; back to Handyman Steve who has painted the nursery three times because he's indecisive and can't decide what looks best.

But of two things I am sure.

One: when it finally comes down to it and Chrissy goes into labor, he has a solid battle plan and does not break a sweat. All the go bags are packed, all the appropriate phone calls are made, they take the fastest route to the hospital, and it all goes off without a hitch. He has prepared for this moment and he does not lose his cool.

Two: Steve cannot go shopping with Eddie, because they will both have a meltdown. One of them in the baby section? Okay, they're a little nervous, but they have the mental bandwidth to talk themselves through what they think is the best decision. BOTH of them in the baby section? They work each other into a frenzy, arguing, panicking, pulling the manager into their dramatics because they're scaring the other customers. Three injured, many traumatized, and they spent twice as much money as they intended to.

#this got.......out of hand #asks #future #all grown up #stedsy

[explosionshark]

book asks: 3, 6, 10, 11, 20

3. What were your top five books of the year?

Red X by David Demchuk - this was the first book I read this year and it's stuck with me this WHOLE time. It's a tough book to describe succinctly - it's a supernatural horror novel fictionalizing the events surrounding the very real disappearances of men in Toronto's gay village between the 70s and the 00s, but interspersed with non-fiction essays by the author. The relationship between queerness and horror is one that's fascinating to me and Demchuk really tears into it here. Cannot recommend it highly enough, though I'd check storygraph for triggers if you're a sensitive reader.

Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield - one part moody, existential relationship novel, one part Lovecraftian body horror. It's gorgeously written, bracingly sad, and the dread is smothering. Very atmospheric and contemplative, while still maintaining a sense of urgency.

Even Though I Knew the End by C. L. Polk - this was so much fun. It combines a few things I love - a good noir detective story, some urban fantasy, lesbians. It follows a supernatural PI attempting to solve a series of grisly murders in 1940s Chicago - with her life on the line.

The Last Days of Jack Sparks by Jason Arnopp - OKAY TALK ABOUT FUN. I listened to this on audiobook and really recommend the format, actually - the narrator was great. The book is presented as the posthumously published final book of Jack Sparks - think of the shittiest, most miserable VICE-style journalist you can imagine, now have him set out to disprove the existence of the supernatural, only to end up immediately possessed. Sounds good, right? It IS. I'm REALLY stoked to read more Arnopp next year

The Five: The Untold Lives of the Women Killed by Jack the Ripper by Hallie Rubenhold - the only non-fiction in my top 5 this year. This book, as you can probably tell, is a historical biography of the five "canonical" victims of Jack the Ripper. It's less true crime than you'd think - there's very little in the way of grisly details of the crimes. Instead, Rubenhold chooses to focus on putting together as compete as possible a biographical record of each of the women, while helpfully contextualizing the facts of their lives with details of Victorian-era life. The dismal similarities between recent "culture war" rhetoric and the attitudes of Victorian moralists were striking, depressing, and vital to understand. It made this book feel even more timely.

6. Was there anything you meant to read, but never got to?

ooh yeah a bunch. I have a bunch of sequels I mean to read and didn't get to - most notably the last two books of the Foundryside series and A Desolation Called Peace. Also The Thousand Eyes, which is the sequel to The Unspoken Name by AK Larkwood. God, I suck at sequels I'm so bad at reading sequels. I wanna get better. Also I was going to finally read Ghost Story by Peter Straub this month, but I haven't gotten to it. I'll save it for next year, I think.

10. What was your favorite new release of the year?

Our Wives Under the Sea, I think. Really striking.

11. What was your favorite book that has been out for a while, but you just now read?

The most extreme example was probably Dracula which I happened to read like a month before Dracula Daily kicked off lmao. But yeah - I'm not super well read when it comes to pre-1900s fiction. I was surprised by how readable it was. Certainly not without its issues, but it was REALLY fun and now I've unlocked a whole literary canon of Dracula spin-off works. I'm so stoked.

20. What was your most anticipated release? Did it meet your expectations?

So embarrassing but my most anticipated release was Spear Cuts Through Water by Simon Jimenez which I haven't actually read yet. I bought myself a copy for Christmas! I'm gonna read it next year!

end of year book asks

[the-letter-horror-lover]

Really short shorts about shorts

LolietaRound

Summary:

small stories about Alois Trancy's shorts and the many people who think there inappropriate warning shorts shrinking in the wash multiple times.

Notes:

Hey Lolli here to say that i don't own Kuroshitsuji but i do own a pair of short shorts so i am not hateing them

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Laundry Day/Tea Party

Chapter Text

1: Laundry Day

It was laundry day and the Trancy household's servants were systematically doing the washing one room at a time; the only one who seemed to have any problems with the washing was Claude, since he had unknowingly shrunken Alois's 20 pairs of short shorts and was now trying to figure out how he could unshrink them without Alois finding out that he shrunk them. As he walked to his masters room to collect the tiny shorts he heard a scream 'CLAUDE' as Claude heard this instead of walking at a steady pace he ran. When he got to his destination he found his master on the ground his shorts halfway up his legs and tears going down his face 'Claude "sniff" I'm fat I can't fit in my short shorts now "sniff" now I'm going to have to wear what Phantomhive is wearing' finishing off with one last whimper Claude finally opened his mouth to speak 'Your Majesty, you haven't gotten fat your shorts shrunk in the wash, and it wouldn't be a bad idea to wear longer shorts any way' this earned him a glare from Alois and was sent to by him twice as many Short Shorts as Alois had owned to begin with.

2: Tea Party

It was 6:30 in the morning when Claude woke Alois up and handed him his mail for the day along with his Tea and Toast; as he was going through his mail he noticed an invitation from the Phantomhive manor; no doubt this was a product of Ciel's Fiancé and not from Ciel himself; 'Claude, get me my Event Shorts' said the Blond as he continued to sip his tea, Claude sweat dropped as he went through his masters wardrobe in hopes he would actually be able to find a proper pair of pants or shorts that went below the knee and win the bet he had with Sebastian; unfortunately there wasn't a pair of pants or longer shorts in the whole entire wardrobe, just really tiny and inappropriate shorts; as he went through the rest of Alois's clothing he heard a voice behind him, it was Alois 'My Event shorts are the ones with the lace on them' he said with a very amused voice and all Claude could do was groan in annoyance.

At the tea part Claude went up to Sebastian and gave him his pocket watch and sighed "you do realize what this makes your master right?' Sebastian asked and Claude gave him a very wicked glare and answered 'Yes but I don't think he realizes this yet'. Oh how wrong Claude was.

Chapter 2: Ciels Opinion/Finding Out

Chapter Text

3: Ciel's opinion

Alois always did like going over to the phantomhive manor to tease the young earl who lives there but today was different, today Ciel had the gall to make a comment about his oh so sexy booty shorts; even thought Ciel himself dressed like an old lady dressed him. Alois was absolutely astonished with the fact that Claude his own butler had agreed with the Earl Phantomhive, and all Alois could come back with was 'Well at least my shorts don't have a split in them'; yep very insulting, but very effective because his whole household burst out laughing because I was right, Ciel had a massive rip in the backside of his shorts. Yeah that will teach Phantomhive to mess with him.

4: Finding out

It had been a week since Claude had lost the bet to Sebastian about Alois's choice of bottoms and Claude didn't think he would have to worry about Alois finding out about the bet; that was until Alois called him up to his study. 'Phantomhive has informed me that his butler has your pocket watch, might I inquire why he has it?' Alois said trying to be serious but Failing miserably; Claude spent an hour trying to make an except able excuse and was failing so he just did what a butler shouldn't do, he blurted everything out. This infuriated Alois and Claude was put on short shorts duty for three months.

Chapter 3: Not Again/Ciel in Short Shorts

Chapter Text

5: Not Again

It had been three weeks since Alois's shrinking shorts catastrophe, and no one wished it to happen again; but unfortunately no wish comes true in the Trancy Household; Alois had decided to stay at the Phantomhive estate and thus Sebastian had been put in charge of washing the young Trancy's clothing; everything had turned out well; Because why would it be Sebastian was one hell of a Butler after all; until he pull the ridiculously small shorts; they were smaller than they were before he had put them in the wash. As Sebastian turned around he saw a very scared looking rival demon butler, Claude started to mutter 'not Again, why now? Not again' Sebastian could only give Claude a look of disgust; because who in their right mind would be scared of a child. That very next morning Sebastian found out just why you should be scared of Alois when it came to the short shorts.

6: Ciel in short shorts.

The Trancys had left the Estate rather early that morning; in fact Ciel had still been asleep when they left. As usual Sebastian woke him up, opened the curtains, poured some tea, asked him if he wanted scones or toast, told him of his appointments, then he began to dress him; everything was fine, shirt was soft and silky, socks covered all ten of his toes and his garters still held them up, eye patch was in the right place, shoes were shiny, shorts were short; 'Sebastian why are my shorts ridiculously short like Trancy's?' Ciel said in a rather angry voice, Sebastian began to freak out, and began to search his Bochans closets, not one pair of Earl's original shorts remained 'My lord, it appears that the Earl Trancy has switch all your shorts' Sebastian said with a slight smirk, only to receive a glare from the enraged boy. Mean while in the Trancy manor 'Hannah have you seen Claude?' Alois said rather peeved that he couldn't find his butler anywhere.

Chapter 4: Hannahs Thoughts on the Shorts/Ever Wondered What the Triplets are whispering about

Chapter Text

7: Hannah's Thoughts on the Shorts

If only I had gotten to his closet or tried out mind control he wouldn't be wearing them; he would be wearing proper pants or longer shorts, but I didn't and, and oh god why don't you just strike me down now; now he is about to go out visiting in nothing but those shorts; oh hell Claude's glaring at me, Ok Hannah just give him your best 'It isn't my fault he won't wear proper pants look'. Oh god it didn't work. Good bye cruel world."Hannah what are you thinking about so hard?' Claude asked, behind him the three triplets were whispering to themselves; "I was thinking about why I didn't try something to get the young lord to wear proper pants' I answered and with that Claude walked away.

8: Ever wonder what the Triplets are whispering about?

It was morning and the young lord was coming down for breakfast; we had everything set out just the way our master liked it, though he will find something wrong with it and blame it on Hannah; we being as silent as we are, are glade he takes it out on her. Cantebury was the first to notice and whispered 'His shorts have gotten smaller' Thompson nodded in agreement, but it was Timber that said it 'He must be getting desperate for Claude's attention' both Thompson and Cantebury gave him a nod of agreement, Hannah heard and gave them a look of agreement, Claude just smirked.

Chapter 5: Mr. Candy Pants/Phantomhive Conspiracy's about the Shorts

Chapter Text

9: Mr Candy Pants

If there was anything Alois could do better than Ciel; it was stealing. Every day at about 4 o'clock Alois would sneak into the Kitchen and stuff his shorts full of sweets and sneak back out without any of his servants noticing; or so he thought. Claude had gotten quite fed up with Alois stealing sweets from the Kitchen, not only was he going to put on weight; which wouldn't look so good considering the type of pants Alois wore, and the fact that every time he did the washing he found left over sweets in the pockets. So at 4 o'clock Claude waited in the Kitchen for Alois to sneak in; sure enough the little blond boy slowly snuck into the kitchen only to feel something grab his arm; Alois slowly turned around and right there in his face was a rather miffed Claude. From that, day on at 4 o'clock Alois had to sit in the study under the watchful eye of Claude and write "I must not go to the kitchen and steal sweets and leave them in my shorts pockets".

10: Phantomhive Conspiracy's about the shorts

All five of the Phantomhive servants were sitting in the servant's quarters talking 'So do any of you guys know what's up with that Trancy kid's attire?' asked Tanaka before going back to miniature form 'I heard that one of the servants of the Trancy manor had died and before they did, they put a spell on the Trancy household making every pair of pants they own shrink' said Bard trying to act mysterious but failing, the next to try and figure it out was Mayrin, 'I think he's just going through that rebellious stage that boys his age are going through, he must bed rebelling by the way he dresses' she said thoughtfully, Fin was next up 'maybe whenever he goes to get his pants the mix up his measurements' that one sounded more likely, but the one that stunned them all was what Sebastian said 'the truth is Alois is a hoe and Claude is his pimp' and with that they were all silenced.

Chapter 6: Fancy Pants/Shorty Fiasco

Chapter Text

11: Fancy Pants

Alois knew he was going to die someday but this was ridiculous, first of all he was surrounded by the Fruitiest guys he had seen in his life; that's not including the Phantomhive brat and himself (yes he admits it), and they were wielding garden tools; if anything he would survive and then make Claude face this embarrassment; then he remembered something. Claude was struggling to take Alois's shorts off of him 'This is going to take a while' with a couple more yanks Claude gave up 'God be damned it wasn't this hard to take them off when i was getting you ready for bed or baths why the hell are they so hard to get off no?' Claude said huffing and puffing with nothing but anger in his eyes finally Alois said something with his dieing breath 'Rape setting is on you can't take them off of me even when im dead' with that he let out a little laugh. With that last memory seen by the five reapers they all laughed then looked at Grell, 'You have that setting on your pants to, don't you? William asked, only for Grell to turn around and laugh hysterically; the truth was Alois put on his tightest shorts that morning knowing full well that Claude would try to remove them.

12: Shorty Fiasco

Alois knew people were jealous of his creamy white long legs; hell it's why he wore shorts that were so small; but why was the cook of the Phantomhive household giving him sexy time eyes and why was Claude not trying to do anything about it. The cook was really disturbing him; all through the dinner party at the Phantomhive manor Alois had a rather Disturbed look on his face. Ciel had noticed and tried to hide the fact that his cook was into Alois's type and continued to entertain his guests; Sebastian on the other hand was glaring at Claude for doing nothing to prevent what was most likely going to happen; because had Alois been his bocchan he'd be preventing it, ok he lies a bit he would watch the little tart squirm a bit before saving him but that was beside that point, real butlers prevent this kind of thing and not ignore it. By the end of the night Claude could see that Alois was quite disturbed about something, this cause Claude to frown, usually nothing fazed Alois; but Claude just brushed it off. Finally Alois had to do what he dreaded doing all night he had to go by himself to the bathroom, he didn't want to ask anyone to go with him because it wouldn't look to good if he did; slowly he excused himself from the table and left for the nearest restroom, he knew he was being followed; as Alois turned around he could see Ciel 'you do realize that you have a hole in the bottom of your shorts and in the army it is a sign that you are willing to do adult things right?' Ciel asked in a haughty voice; Alois could only stare then he fainted.

Chapter 7: If Shorts could talk/The Aftermath of a Nightmare

Chapter Text

13: If shorts could talk

Alois had just begun to settle for the night and Claude had just blown out the last of the candles: but as soon as Alois had drifted off to dream land the nightmares began. 'Hey Blondie' Alois gave a startled 'Huh' the mysterious voice 'Yeah you down here' Alois looked down and sure enough his shorts were talking to him 'Look Alois was it? Take me off and put decent pants on; because me I'm what you would call a "desperate cry for attention" and you and I both know Claude ain't going to give you what you want; all he wants is the little Blueberry tart who goes by the name of Ciel Phantomhive, and who can blame him anyone would be better then you' and with that the shorts ripped themselves off of Alois's lower half and was about to beat into him until Alois woke up. 'CLAUDE' Alois screeched out 'Get me all my shorts, something very flammable and a match' Alois panted out as he left his bed leaving the poor demon butler confused until he heard the words he thought he would never hear 'I'll teach my shorts who should be wearing them'.

14: The aftermath of a Nightmare

Three Days after the odd occurrence the young lord Trancy had been walking around without any cloths on, when asked 'why?' he would mutter 'even my cloths love Phantomhive' or 'they don't respect me'. It wasn't as if Claude was complaining he didn't mind Alois running around naked; truth be told it amused him, but there was only so much he could take; First it was Alois "Uncle" who commented to one of his associates that he would "do that" if he wasn't his nephew, then it was the Phantomhive cook who said "that he would go there if he was aloud", but the one that got to him the most was that darn butler Sebastian who whispered into Alois's ear 'You and Ciel on me, how about it?' not only did it make Alois Blush but it made Ciel Blush as if he knew what his butler had said; and with that Claude had picked up Alois took him to his room and forced some cloths on him.

Chapter 8: An Accident/Explanation

Chapter Text

15: An Accident

After the Naked incident Alois couldn't help but think of what would have happened if both he and Ciel took Sebastian up on his offer (AN: No not getting any smut on this fanfiction; you want smut go read my other one); even though he was at the royal palace he still wondered aimlessly only thinking of alternative endings to the naked incident; that was until he tripped on something and took a certain Phantomhive butler down with him. Alois sat there for a few minutes just blushing; which is weird because he never got embarrassed around anyone; then out of nowhere a cough was heard, Alois and Sebastian looked up; Alois still Blushing and Sebastian with a smile that said 'if you people weren't here right now this boy would be under me naked and screaming my name'; In sight there stood Ciel quit mad that he hadn't been invited (because Sebastian did clearly state threesome), Claude was pissed off at the fact the Sebastian had both Lords begging for him, the Queen looking quite embarrassed but not looking away (meaning she liked the scene in front of her) and Prince Soma and Agni were there for some unknown reason looking mortified.

16: Explanation

After getting up; cleaning the Queen up because she had A Mayrin style blood nose; both Ciel and Claude demanded an Explanation; Alois Started 'Well I was walking down the hall not paying any mind to where I was going when I tripped up and went to grab something to steady myself, only to grab onto Sebastian and end up taking him down with me'; Ciel looked a little sad because he was hoping it was a bit more saucy then that; Claude on the other hand looked pleased that wasn't going to last very long; Claude walked over to Sebastian with a smirk only to hear ' I just realized that Both Alois and Ciel want me in bed a Blond and a Bluenett nice' and with that Claude lost what was left of his soul as he pictured what would happen.

Chapter 9: What Pluto Did/The Secret revealed

Chapter Text

17: What Pluto did

It shocked everyone that day, it left some people questioning their sexuality and others just asking questions; they started to cast blame on whoever raised the two parties involved it made a certain red haired maid faint from blood loss and another maid angry; it gave the Phantomhive butler some rather smutty ideas and a Trancy Butler some Evil ones; it coursed the only Lady to blush furiously; and the cook to hide the gardeners eyes; it made the Stalker Red haired reaper giggle and Alois Trancy just stare; For what they saw that day; and what Pluto did will never be uttered and kept under wraps.

18: The Secret revealed

Little did everyone know that the incident that they swore not to speak of had been seen by the local gossip reporter; so in the morning news paper that had been delivered to the Phantomhive estate was an Article stating that the Lord Ciel Phantomhive liked to do naughty things with his servants whilst they were wearing the Lord Trancy's signature short shorts.

Notes:

I got my sister to read this and it made her laugh so I hope you are to

Read and Review please and you might get a pair of Alois's shorts :)

#black butler fanfiction

[nblmnblnb]

wednesday, june 22, 2022

i'm broke as fuck and cannot afford to buy microsoft word since my subscription finally expired, so i'm left making journal entries either here or on google docs. nobody follows this blog and i assume nobody reads it, so it's probably fine to just do it here. if you're reading this...idk, why would you?

i finally Finally found a way to get medication. i'm supposedly now being subscribed venlafaxine, which is the anti-anxiety medication i took most recently that seemed to work the best, through an online website thing that's actually advertised on tumblr, which is highly embarrassing. it's supposed to be delivered next week, and it's probably going to take 4-6 weeks to start working, which sucks, but it is what it is. i'm just trying to hold on and not quit my job out of despair in the meantime. i'm currently sitting at home because atlas was exposed to someone with covid and i'm Technically showing symptoms (ie allergies in this rapidly changing spring/summer weather) and i still haven't gotten my pcr results back. i just hope to god i'm getting paid for this because i have seventeen entire dollars in my checking account and zero in my savings and all my money is on my credit card, which is terrifying and upsetting.

however, the bright side is that everything is paid for this month, and i was planning on putting july's rent on my credit card and immediately paying off my portion because i owe atlas almost $900 for my starter. i get paid this friday and i worked almost exactly 40 hours last week, so it should be a good paycheck. i also get paid again on the 1st, so between those two, i should be able to cover rent and everything that comes out at the beginning of the month, which is most of my monthly expenses. i wrote everything out for my remaining paychecks, and i can probably find a way to make my student loan payment due halfway through the month instead of at the beginning so i'm not always paying it late. they haven't charged me late fees yet but i'm worried they may if i continue to pay it late.

i'm floating the idea of working at fedex part time, like two days a week, and bartending or serving at a higher-end restaurant (where i can make $30-40/hour) on friday and saturday nights. this way, i can probably work only 4 days a week with fewer hours, and while it will be a weird schedule, i can work to make it consistent week to week. my paychecks will also be relatively consistent, and i can write during weird hours when the mood strikes me. i don't think i'm a monday through friday, 9 to 5 kind of person, and trying to make myself that way is making me miserable. my job is labor intensive, and it's just plain difficult for me to do 40 hours a week (closer to 60 with an hour total commute every day and unpaid breaks i'm required to take). it's making me deeply unhappy, and i'm just not going to continue to be able to carry on like this for very much longer.

however, i have zero bartending experience (though i do have years of restaurant and food-handling experience) and i'm wondering if it would be a struggle to break in to the industry (in a place where the stress would be worth the pay). i have to make at least $30/hour with tips (before taxes) and preferably closer to $40/hour to make the whole thing worth it, and none of that is guaranteed. i don't even know what the base pay is (though seattle minimum wage is above $17/hour and i think king county is above $16). i think i have to obtain some sort of certification, and since i'm not much of a drinker and don't know popular drinks, there's a lot of learning i'd have to sit down and do. it would also be a heavily customer service-oriented job, and i would likely have to put up with people i don't really want to deal with. my goal is to be at a gay bar, but i imagine those are more in-demand and harder to just get a job at with no actual bartending experience. being at a loud bar surrounded by loud, drunk straight people sounds terrifying, and that's not even to mention, you know, the pandemic.

i just really don't know. i know i can't keep working full-time at fedex forever. i also feel like it's pointless to make the effort of trying to get some sort of planning job. i just feel like i'm going to be become burned out and overwhelmed no matter what i'm doing if i'm trying to do it 40 hours a week. if it was an office/desk job or work from home job, then maybe i could because i could spend some time dicking around, but those either pay $18/hour for grunt work or you need a degree or experience i don't have, and there doesn't seem to be any meaningful in-between area. i literally cannot make less than $25/hour for 40 hours work, and i really, honestly need to work around 30 hours a week for my mental health, and no more than 35. i think working a full, difficult week last week is what literally made me feel sick this week. my body and brain have literally had enough. i pretty much constantly have headaches, i struggle to stay awake almost all the time, my stomach and digestive tract and are almost always upset, and stress and anxiety are taking a toll on almost all parts of my body. i'm literally going to have a heart attack before i'm, like, 32 at this rate.

my dad's voice in my head is telling me that i'm not doing enough, that i need to just "deal with it", but i have to push it out. i have to remind myself that i'm not like him, and i don't have to do what he says. he's quite literally on the other side of the continent, and he can get mad and stay mad about my choices for all that i care. i transitioned and did everything else without his approval, and i can do this too. i know who i am, and i know what i am and am not capable of. it's okay that i'm not like other people. i don't have to be anything other than who i am, even if it's an anxious, sensitive, autistic, "different" person. this world is not built for people like me, and i can (and should) modify it to fit my needs. a monday-friday "normal" workweek is just not for me, and i need to stop trying to force myself to do it. i had to quit the bank after a year and a half (and multiple panic attacks) and i'm probably going to have to quit fedex after 13 months of doing it again. i just can't, and that's okay. i can figure something out. getting on medication and clearing my head a little will allow me to figure things out too, i hope.

i need to try to think about good things. we're going to the seattle pride parade this weekend, and paddleboarding out near north bend. we're also planning a road trip to utah to go to moab, canyonlands, and arches in september. i need to think about the good things that are happening and not the bad. i can figure this situation out. i really did genuinely enjoy working at restaurants, and as long as i'm not doing it all the time, i think it would be manageable (same thing for working for fedex). i can also look into transferring to the renton/kent fedex station so i a) have a shorter commute, and b) can potentially become a swing driver and make $2-3/hour more, since i already don't know the area very well. i could work an 8-10 hour shift monday and tuesday or whatever combination of days they need me. i can probably check on the fedex portal and see if they're hiring part-time swing drivers and/or ask managers about transferring. i could just mention that i moved and also that i have another part time job lined up.

i know that i can make something happen here, and figure things out for myself so that i'm not painfully broke and unhappy. i need to use the things i've learned about myself to move forward, instead of trying to force myself into being someone that i'm not. switching jobs will also give me the opportunity to meet new people, people that i have more in common with and could potentially become friends with, which is another huge problem. working mostly alone sounds great until i don't actually get to meet anyone and then feel awkward around my coworkers constantly and never talk to anyone.

i want to, and i Need to, make a better life for myself.

[andvys]

Fine line part eight

warnings: fluff, angst, violence

pairing: ellie williams x reader

Ellie didn’t even register the sound of thunder rumbling or the rain pattering against the window in the early morning hours.

The first thing she noticed was the comforting feeling of you clinging to her as her arms were wrapped safely around you. You were laying on top of her, with your head on her chest.

This wasn’t the position you were in last night, no, this was much more intimate but Ellie wasn’t complaining, she liked the feeling of having you in her arms, the urge to protect you was big, to give you comfort and warmth.

Looking down at you, she wondered how she could ever hate you, you looked so sweet and precious, as if anyone could actually hate you.

But you didn’t just look that way, you were sweet and precious. You always helped everyone around you, you cared for other people more than you cared about yourself, you always put the needs of others first. You didn’t care about yourself and that worried her, she knew you would sacrifice yourself to save others. You were always out there, looking for supplies, looking out for people who needed saving but you always neglected yourself, you wanted to do good for others. You always had to be the hero.

Maybe that’s why she tried to convince herself that she hated you when in actuality she cared deeply about you and she knew this would get her heart broken because you were gonna get yourself killed sooner or later.

So she thought, pushing you away and hating you to get rid of her feelings was the only way not to get her heart broken but she was wrong, so wrong. The more she pushed you away, the more she tried to hate you, the more intense her real feelings have gotten. 

Ellie was snapped out of her thoughts when you began to stir in your sleep. Her heart began to race under your palm, this time you were gonna wake up together. The few times you ended up cuddling in your sleep, one of you would always be up first, so it was never weird or uncomfortable between you but this time there was no running away from it.

“morning Ellie.” she heard you whisper softly as you stayed in that position.

“morning y/n.” Ellie whispered back, nervously.

‘that’s not what friends do right?’ Ellie thought to herself.

‘we weren’t even friends and we cuddled already..’

“it’s still storming.” you pointed out when you heard thunder crashing.

“yeah.. we’re still gonna be here today.” Ellie said.

You didn’t know what it was about her but she made you feel safe and warm like no one else did before. You weren’t one for cuddling or hugging but when you woke up in her arms for the first time, it felt like the most comfortable place in the world.

You never thought you’d end up in the arms of your enemy and yet here you were and you wouldn't want it any other way.

Well, you weren’t enemies anymore you were friends now but still.

-

Two days later you were on the way back home to Jackson, the storm hasn't fully passed yet but just enough to drive, luckily it wasn't raining too heavily.

You and Ellie spent the past two days playing cards and talking about everything and nothing. You thought it would be boring and dreadful being around her for this long but you were surprised to find out that you actually liked talking to her and spending time with her. Maybe you even liked it a little too much.

“so.. you excited to go home?” you asked. 

“uh yeah.. I guess.” Ellie said “what about you?” she asked.

“not like I'm gonna stay for long.” you shrugged, looking out of the car window.

Ellie furrowed her brows, a dreading feeling set in her stomach.

“what do you mean?” she asked.

“I mean.. I’ll probably rest for a few days before Maria sends me off again.” you told her, looking at her you noticed she had a frown on her face.

“we found the supplies though, it’s enough, you don't have to go out there anymore y/n.” she stated anxiously. She didn't want you to go. Especially not alone.

“it’s never enough, Ellie.” you said “besides.. I don’t really have a home anymore and it’s not like anyone is waiting there for me.” you shrugged. Just thinking about being back in Jackson made you feel alone and miserable. 

You were surrounded by a lot of people in Jackson and yet you felt more alone in there than out here. 

Outside of Jackson, you knew there wasn't anyone but you, so it was okay to be alone, it’s what you chose for yourself but you had no one in Jackson.

No friends, no family, nothing.

Sure you got along with Dina and Jesse but they were Ellie’s friends and you only went on patrols with them. 

You were alone. 

No one would mourn you if you would ever die out here and no one would come looking for you if you went missing.

“that’s not true y/n.” Ellie sighed, looking over at you she noted the sad expression on your face. “there are people waiting for you.” 

You knew she was just trying to make you feel better but it was okay. You have made peace with the thought of being alone and dying alone.

“it’s okay Ellie.” you assured her. 

‘it’s not okay.’ Ellie thought to herself, she hated that you felt this way.

“y/n it’s- oh no fuck.. you gotta be kidding me.” she mumbled in anger, when the car began to slow down, indicating that you ran out of gas.

“shit.” you mumbled, looking out of the window, you realized you were in the middle of nowhere, it was a wooded area and you had no gas left. Great.

“that’s just great.” Ellie muttered under her breath.

Ellie grabbed the map, looking at it in concentration. 

It was raining outside and didn't look like there were any towns nearby or a gas station or something.

“there's a cabin close by and the next town is a few miles away from where we are right now.” she told you, showing the marked up area in the woods where the cabin was. “i bet we’ll find some gas there.”

“can we leave the car here?” you asked, worried about the supplies. 

You haven't run into anyone in the past few days but you could never know, people are everywhere. 

“we have no choice, staying in here isn't an option, we gotta go get some gas anyways, if we’re lucky we’ll make it back by tonight and if not then we stay in that cabin overnight and then come back here.” she said, eying you, she noticed that you were worried. 

“okay..” you sighed before you opened the car door, to get out. Luckily the rain wasn’t too heavy but you’d still be drenched by the time you’d come back.

Ellie opened the trunk and started to put some supplies into her backpack.

You came up next to her and started doing the same.

“here..” she offered you a switchblade, it was a black one. You looked up at her before you accepted it, eying it. You talked about needing a new one a few days ago.

It warmed your heart that she remembered it.

“thank you.” you smiled at her, noticing the blush on her face.

“it’s nothing.” she said, smiling back at you.

-

You were walking for an hour now, your clothes were wet, water ran down your hair and your face and you just felt very uncomfortable. Luckily it stopped raining a few minutes ago but you were sure it wouldn’t be long until it would start raining again.

You managed to find the cabin and checked it out to make sure that it was safe for later before you kept walking towards the town.

You were finally getting closer when you saw the first buildings up ahead.

“look..” Ellie said, pointing to the first store. It was a clothing store or at least it used to be one.

Sighing out in relief, a small smile appeared on your face “we should get rid of these clothes and get some new ones.” you said, walking inside the store.

“yeah..” Ellie mumbled, following you inside.

After you made sure the store was safe, you started looking at the different types of clothes. A dress managed to catch your attention, a smile broke out on your face before you started chuckling to yourself. The thought of wearing a dress in this world, while killing some infected seemed ridiculous to you.

“you okay?” Ellie chuckled, when she saw you laughing while holding a dress in your hands.

Looking over at her, you noticed she had a slight smile on her face.

“yeah it’s just..” a smirk appeared on your face “i’m trying to imagine you in this dress right now.” you said as you began laughing when a disgusted expression appeared on her face.

“please don’t.” she groaned as she rolled her eyes.

You chuckled at her before you put the dress back and started looking for something useful.

You managed to find some suitable clothes, you were about to ask Ellie if she was done when something else caught your attention.

You picked the items up and held them up in front of you.

“hey Ellie.”

“yeah?” she asked, turning around to face you, her eyes widened when she saw the lacy underwear in your hands.

“the black ones or the blue ones?” you asked, smirking at her when a blush appeared on her face.

“uhhh-“ she started, scratching the back of her neck “black.” she mumbled before she turned around again, closing her eyes, she took a deep breath.

Now she couldn’t get the picture of your half naked body out of her head.

You chuckled to yourself at how flustered she’d gotten. You never thought you’d see a blushing Ellie someday, let alone you being the reason for it.

You put your backpack down and took your wet flannel off, cringing at the feeling of wet clothes against your skin.

“ugh.. i’m so wet.” you mumbled as you grabbed the hem of your shirt, pulling it over your head, leaving you in a black bra.

A smirk appeared on Ellie’s face at your words “are you now?” she chuckled turning around to look at you, her eyes widened once again when she saw you pulling your shirt off.

She couldn’t help but stare at you, at your soft, beautiful skin. Eying you up and down, she gripped the shirt tightly that she held in her hands.

Your eyes widened as well, when you saw the way she was looking at you. A weird feeling shot through your body.

But for some reason you didn’t mind having her stare at you.

“we uh- we should-..”

“yeah..” Ellie mumbled, turning around again.

-

Leaving the store, there was a weird tension between you and Ellie, something that hasn’t been there before.

You tried to ignore it and rather focused on trying to find gas but you weren’t that lucky this time. You tried to siphon some gas from the cars that were left standing around but they were all empty.

You were beginning to get frustrated, if you wouldn’t find any gas you would have to keep going into the next towns and you weren’t sure if there was any gas.

Ellie was about to say something when you heard the sound of car coming closer.

You and Ellie looked at each other wide eyed before she grabbed your hand pulling you behind a car. You crouched down and gripped your shotgun tightly in your hands.

You hoped whoever was coming your way would drive by but you weren’t as lucky as you hoped you would be, the car stopped close to where you and Ellie were.

Peeking out from behind the car, you could see four men getting out of the car, a dreading feeling set in your stomach. Running into a group of men never ended good. 

“shit..” you mumbled, you felt your heart beginning to raise, this reminded you to a similar setting when you and Ellie ran into a larger group back in Colorado when you were on your way to Texas. You almost got yourself killed trying to keep one of the guys off Ellie when he tried to throw his knife at her and instead threw at you when you moved in front of her, the blade pierced through your shoulder. The wound was still healing and you knew it would leave a big scar.

“it’s just four y/n.. we fought more before.” Ellie whispered behind you as she put her hand on top of yours, squeezing it.

You nodded, trying to calm your racing heart. 

It’s not that you were scared to fight them or kill them, you’ve done this a dozen times before. You were worried that things would go sideways and they’d manage to hurt Ellie or worse. You knew she could handle herself but still.

That’s why you liked doing these things alone, you didn't have to worry about anyone else, you could just focus on yourself and get it over with.

“spread out.” a voice shouted “find them.” 

You and Ellie glanced at each other in curiosity. Who were they looking for? They couldn’t be looking for you could they? As far as you knew, no one was after you. But something told you these men didn’t have good intentions.

You saw all the men, going off into different directions, this would make it easier for you to kill them.

You and Ellie nodded at each other before you went to get up but Ellie put her hand around your wrist and pulled you back making you look at her “be careful, please.” she whispered, looking at you with a worried expression. 

You nodded, “you too Ellie.” you whispered, smiling at her before you got up to follow one of the men who went into the gas station. 

You saw him going into the backroom so you went inside hiding behind the large shelves to avoid being seen, pulling your shotgun back by the sling you grabbed the new switchblade Ellie gave you earlier. 

You walked towards the backroom slowly, you could hear the guy opening the drawers in the room, clearly searching for something. 

Taking a deep breath, you looked inside but you couldn't find him, furrowing your brows you turned around only to run into a hard chest, startled you stepped back and looked up to see the tall man in front of you.

“looking for me?” he smirked at you. 

You didn't even hesitate before you tried to stab him but he managed to catch your wrist, gripping it tightly, you tried to pull your hand back but he overpowered you in strength. He put his other hand around your throat and pushed you into the room harshly, throwing you over the table. 

You fell off the table, down to your knees, you grabbed your shotgun quickly and turned around, falling back against the floor the man was about to shot you but you beat him to it, the loud shot went off, throwing him back against the wall as blood splattered everywhere.

“fuck..” you mumbled, this alerted the others. 

You quickly got up and grabbed the man’s gun before you ran towards the entrance of the store, you peeked out to see one of the men running towards the gas station. 

You didn't hesitate to get up and aim your gun at his head, he looked at you with eyes, clearly not expecting that but before he could react you already shot him.

His body dropped to the floor.

You heard a shot go off not too far from you. Your heart began to race at the thought that it might be Ellie that got shot instead of one of the men. 

You ran out and hid behind one of the cars, trying to find the rest and Ellie. You looked around but you couldn't see anyone. 

Your hands started shaking and your breathing got heavier by the second. For some reason you felt the deep fear of losing her all of the sudden. All sorts of pictures started running through your mind.

This moment reminded you of when you lost your mom, it happened in a similar setting, you were looking for her but couldn’t find her until you heard that gunshot.

“calm down y/n.” you whispered to yourself, trying to take deep breaths. 

You heard glass smashing in one of the old stores on the other side of the street, you got up and ran towards it. 

You ran inside to find Ellie standing over the dead body of one of the men, looking into the corner of the room you found another dead body with a bullet in his head. 

You felt relieved to see that she was alright but you had to make sure.

You didn’t know what came over you but you couldn’t help but run towards her, hugging her from behind.

She stiffened at first but relaxed once she realized it was you. Warmth engulfed, feeling your arms wrapped around you but she asked herself what caused you to hug her, you were never the one initiating the hugs, she was the one that pulled you in at night.

“y/n?” she whispered, putting her hand on top of yours that were resting on her stomach, she grabbed them and turned around to face you, looking at you in worry as she noted the anxious look on your face.

She grabbed your face gently “are you okay?”

You were about to respond when you noticed the fresh cut on her face, blood was running down her cheek. Anger and worry filled you at the thought that one of them managed to get this close to her.

You put your palm against her cheek, eying the wound. “Ellie..” you whispered.

“it’s fine y/n.. it doesn’t hurt.” she assured you “are you okay?”

You didn’t respond and instead pulled her into a hug, hiding your face in the crook of her neck. She put her arms around you, holding you tightly against her.

You calmed down when she held you, she gave you the warmth and the comfort that you so desperately craved all these years, to think that it was her who made you feel this way overwhelmed you, you could’ve had this a long time ago and yet you decided to waste all these years.

You decided that you wouldn’t waste them anymore with acting like you hated her or with trying to push away your true feelings.

“come on, let’s get out of here.” Ellie whispered, rubbing your back softly.

You nodded before you pulled away from her, she grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the store, leading you towards the car the man came with.

You looked up at the sky, noticing the dark clouds, it was about to start raining again. This day just kept getting worse.

Ellie opened the trunk and sighed in relief when she saw a two gallons of gas standing there.

“fuck yeah.” she breathed grabbed one of them handing one to you before she grabbed the other one.

You siphoned the rest of the gas out of the car, you needed all you could find. Before you left to get back to the cabin.

-

Once again your clothes were drenched from the rain as you ran inside the cabin. Ellie shut the door and locked it. Darkness engulfed the room, the only source of light were the bolts of lightening.

Both of you were shaking from the cold rain and you didn’t have any spare clothes with you.

Ellie walked towards the fireplace and crouched down to start a fire.

Light appeared in the room after a few moments. The flames in the fireplace made the room appear warm and cozy unlike how you were feeling right now. You were shaking, water was dripping from your clothes and hair.

Ellie noticed the state you were in, she wasn’t feeling any better but you were out of clothes but she knew you’d get sick if you didn’t get rid of the wet clothes.

“take your clothes off.” Ellie told you.

You looked up at her, a surprised expression appeared on your face “huh?”

“take them off, we’re gonna get sick.” she said before she started taking her clothes off.

You looked at her with wide eyes as she took off her shirt, showing off her toned stomach and her strong arms before she started taking off her shoes and her pants.

She looked so beautiful, the light from the flame highlighted her beauty even more.

The rumble of thunder snapped you out of your thoughts, shaking your head at yourself, you looked down, hoping she didn’t catch you staring at her.

You bend down to take your shoes off before you started taking your clothes off as well.

You could feel Ellie’s eyes on you but you didn’t mind. You looked up at her, noticing that she was staring at you.

You looked at the open cut on her cheek, remembering that you still had to take care of it.

You grabbed your backpack and two blankets from the couch, handing one to Ellie. You sat down on the soft carpet in front of the fireplace and looked up at Ellie, motioning for her to sit down in front of you.

She sat down and put the blanket around her shoulders, still shaking from the cold rain. She eyed you as you poured some alcohol on a cloth. She couldn’t help but stare at your beautiful face, the way you hugged her earlier made her want to feel you even more. Her eyes fell to your lips.

You grabbed her chin softly and started to clean the wound on her cheek, making sure to be gentle.

Your heart began to race when you felt her hand on your thigh, biting down on your lip you looked at her to find her staring at your lips.

“all done.” you whispered, glancing at her lips.

She moved closer and grabbed your face gently.

You gazed into each other’s eyes before you both leaned in, smashing your lips together.

You were overwhelmed with emotions the moment you felt her lips moving against yours. The kiss was passionate yet gentle, her lips were so soft and the feeling she left you with was unlike anything you have ever felt before.

She deepened the kiss and pulled you into her even closer. Caressing your cheek with her thumb.

You pulled away from her, the kiss left you breathless.

Leaning your forehead against hers you opened your eyes to look at her, you didn’t even know what to say, the kiss left you speechless and by the way she was looking at you, you knew she felt the same way.

You didn’t need to say anything to know what the other felt, right at this moment.

Looking at each other was enough.

#ellie williams x reader #ellie williams imagine #ellie williams #tlou imagines #tlou ellie

[neopronounsmybelovaed]

Seen an ask that said people can't "hate to your face" so here I am off anon :) I'm not hating you. I get it, to an extent. I'm uncomfortable (formerly triggered but I've gotten better with it) by the word r*pe. I used to ask that people censor it when talking to me or avoid using it. It would be great if people either didn't tag their stuff at all (so you could only find it by searching through their blog) or tagged it as cw/tw r*pe. However, the word r*pe is not a mental disorder. You have OCD, that's clear. It's fine to be triggered by whatever, but your actions affect others. Using a tw for a small mention of the acronym OCD, not even talking about intrusive thoughts or anything, will affect how other people view OCD and people that have it. It is exactly the same as using a tw for autism. Intrusive thoughts are made worse by avoiding them. The main treatment for intrusive thoughts is facing them and learning to be okay with them. Maybe you're so triggered by your own disorder because you haven't learnt to face it yet. It's a long path, I'm well aware, but it's a necessary one. I'm mentally ill. I have bipolar disorder, autism, DPD, among other things. I've been hospitalized for sh and suicide attempts. I have disordered eating. I struggle too, but I sure as hell don't tw my own existence. My disorders are a part of me and they're never going away, and avoiding them won't do anything except make me miserable. Call me ableist or whatever, but other people have to see that you're using a tw for a disorder that other people experience. Other people are affected by your actions, and it's really shitty how you can so conveniently ignore that.

Oh hey, anon shows xyr face. I'm going to answer this and then impolitely request that you block me and leave me the fuck alone, okay?

Here is how my brain works.

I am existing

I see any mention of OCD

I think "oh! OCD! that's the thing where i think about killing my family!" (or any number of other intrusive thoughts)

I am now thinking about killing my family

I am having a panic attack.

I can sometimes break the cycle between steps, that's true. But more often than not, once I hit 2. I end up at 5. So I try to break things up between 1 and 2. That's what's safest for me.

I've done exposure tasks, and it's still hard for me. I understand that exposure is important, but like I said, I want it to be a controlled environment. I want to be doing an assignment from my therapist after taking time to prepare myself mentally. I don't want exposure while mindlessly scrolling through tumblr. There is a time and a place.

And yes, OCD is an aspect of my identity- I get that. (First of all, it's a lot easier for me to see OCD as a separate entity to myself because I don't like thinking of the violent intrusive thoughts as Me.) But I don't want to make it my whole identity. I'm a lot more than my OCD. And my OCD is a part of me, I don't want to just... deny that it's a difficult part to live with.

A vast majority of the people with OCD who follow me agree that they don't want to see OCD content unprepared. I'd imagine those who don't can still acknowledge that OCD is not something pleasant to be reminded about.

And as for other people? No one else knows jack shit about OCD. People see it as "quirky color coded note disorder." If they see a tw for it, they might determine that it's actually serious. Which is very much what I needed before getting diagnosed. And besides, it's not my responsibility how other people think of my disorder. I've made my stance on respectability politics pretty clear.

I don't want to demonize people with OCD, but I also don't want to give people with OCD panic attacks. Even if trigger warning was demonizing OCD (which it isn't, triggers don't hold any moral value, I've also had to filter hair because it was triggering once, etc etc, we've discussed this), based on the people with OCD I've interacted with, trigger warning does more good than harm.

Your last sentence is hilarious to me. "Other people are affected by your actions, and it's really shitty how you can so conveniently ignore that."

Buddy. I've told you OCD is triggering for me and you continue,,,, triggering me. I've been having anxiety attacks all day. I pulled out half of each eyebrow. I am very negatively affected by your actions, and you ignore that quite conveniently to continue harassing me. Which is really shitty.

Please just leave me alone. I have spent so much time and energy and obsessions and compulsions trying to defend my right to protect my mental health and set boundaries to not have panic attacks, and protect other people like me from said panic attacks. You are making me miserable, you're not changing my mind, and unless I change yours, I really just want to stop arguing.

#ocd discourse #discourse #not main content #ocd tw #intrusive thoughts tw #panic attack tw #cursing tw #arguing tw #negative tw #rape mention tw #ocd has SO much bigger problems than a neopronoun blog trying to protect spiralself #please start with erasing the whole ocd=neat freak thing bc if i'd gotten diagnosed earlier my life would be way better #same for a lot of other people with ocd #so if you really want to help stop just harassing ocd sufferers and actually make a damn difference

[timextoxhajima]

Love Me A Little Less: Chapter 1 - Frankenstein

LOVE ME A LITTLE LESS CHAPTER MASTERLIST

Member: (3rd person pov) arranged marriage au with Lee Juyeon

Genre: angsty wangsty

Taglist: @hyunvelies​

“We buried you.”

The feast before Kim Jang Won is absolutely stunning. Lemon meringue tarts, strawberry smoothies (with actual strawberry bits in them), pancakes and freshly buttered croissants, a gorgeous transparent glass pot with the golden shade of chamomile tea and a beautiful tray of puffs and eclairs.

It would be even more stunning if it wasn’t her view every morning though.

“Hey, um, don’t we have like alternating menus or something for breakfast? I feel like I’m eating the same thing every morning now, it’s kinda getting tacky.”

“Miss Kim, I hope you know you’re the one who decides what the menu is. You chose this set like a week ago and you told us not to change it for the next two weeks.”

Jang Won sneers at her butler, arguably the only person on the property to has the guts to talk to her in a way that could get her fired.

“You’re lucky I can trust you.”

Ro Il Jung purses his lips into a thin white line, scratching his cheek with one of those knuckly, wrinkly-skin-covered fingers of his. “You seem to forget that I wanted to retire last year, Miss Kim.”

Jang Won huffs childishly, sticking her tongue out, now a gentle, thick shade of smoothie on her tongue. “I’ll let you retire when I find someone else I can trust, Mr Ro. It’s just too bad I don’t have anybody in mind right now.”

Mr Ro shakes his head like a parent disapproving of his child, but a house guard pulling the heavy doors of the entrance over accompanied by some urgent yelling tears his attention away from the owner of the mansion. 

Jang Won looks up from her butter and croissant, at Mr Ro, who excuses himself before heading for the entrance hall. 

“Sir,” He begins before he can even note the visitor. “If you could--”

“Mr Ro!”

Jang Won hears her butler’s words fade to a complete silent, only listening to their visitor talk. But it’s strange, because it’s a familiar voice...

Mr Ro cannot believe the sight before his eyes.

“I can’t believe you’re still working here. It’s so great to see you again!” Then the visitor pulls Mr Ro into a hug, harshly patting the space between his shoulder blades. 

The lady of the house cannot take it anymore, not when she can’t eavesdrop on the conversation occurring in her own halls. So she gets up from the table, heels clacking against the marble floor as she heads into the entrance hall.

“Alright now, who’s got the guts to stop me in the middle of my French breakfast this morning?”

Mr Ro turns in silent shock, eyes wide and glaring while Jang Won processes the face of the visitor. 

The man hadn’t looked like he aged a day since he was--

“I’m sorry,” Jang Won scoffs, waving her beautifully done manicured fingernails in the air. “If this is some impractical joke, please do tell because my brain is just about to explode from the sight right now. Y’know,” She gestures to her head and mimics the sound of a bomb. 

“Jang Won...” The visitor strides towards her, arms wide. But she raises a palm and shifts backwards, a cautious half-smile mixed with a frown plastered to her flawless skin. 

“Not another step, nuh-uh,” Waving a finger before his nose, she shakes her head. “There is no way in Hell you can be standing here.”

“Oh, but I am, love,” Once a warm voice that sang her to sleep, Jang Won cannot decide if the tears in her eyes are welling from relief or fear. “I’m home.”

“No... no!” She slaps away his outstretched hands. “We... we buried you...”

“And I can only imagine what you’re feeling right now, my child, but... we have more important things to worry about.”

Mr Ro’s face is contorted with a mess of confusion and anxiety and he watches the first tears fall down Jang Won’s cheeks. 

“What...? ‘More important’-- No, how is anything more important than you... standing here?” The last word comes out like a final breath, at a volume just enough for him to hear. 

“I came bearing news, Jang Won. I-- Well...” He rubs the back of his head, eyes tilted down to his feet. “Because I’ve return to the board of administration now... part of the company now comes back to... me--”

What?

“And... you cannot inherit any part of the company unless you are married to someone from a family from the same administration board.”

Jang Won’s tears solidify into fumes of anger as the thought runs through her neurons. The middle aged man begins to panic when he can read the rage in her eyes, her fists now clenched and the markings of her rings probably embedded into the flesh of her palm. Her knuckles begin to turn white as does his face, ever so slightly.

“Now, now, love. I know what you’re thinking and we can sit down and have a chat about this--”

“‘Sit down and have a chat’?” Jang Won scoffs miserably, lower jaw hanging agape. “Why don’t we sit down and let me ask you whiCH SCIENTIST MADE YOU FRANKENSTEIN?!”

The hallways of the mansion echo the shouts, the sound waves bouncing back and forth between the marble walls mostly adorn with gorgeous, one-in-a-million paintings. 

“That’s not important now, hun. I just need you to understand that without this marriage, you will lose the house and everything you own from HERA & ARTEMIS.”

“I built HERA & ARTEMIS after you were fucking bURIED! Who are you to tell me that you will inherit it ownership and I can’t just because I’m not married?!”

“These were instructions from The Board, Jang Won. I had absolutely no say over this--”

“BULLSHIT! If you have the power to take ownership of HERA & ARTEMIS just because you climbed out of your own grave, why don’t you have the power to help m-- Oh, oh...” Jang Won frowns in disdain, disgust welling her lungs and her gut. 

“What?” His eyes widen and shoulders shrug.

“You came back just to tell me this... because you want HERA & ARTEMIS for yourself.”

“What-- No--”

"You... low-life... scumbag!" The sharp shatter of the glass cabinet behind him echoes through the entrance hall of the mansion. One of the palm-sized statues sitting on the table in the middle of the circular hall lands amongst the billion pieces of glass on the marble floor.

"You give me my freedom and now you tell me I have to get married?!" The final word is literally pushed through her teeth when she cannot clench her jaws even harder. The tremors vibrating up her fist and into her arm and then her entire body makes her look like a volcano ready to erupt, so if these people haven't gotten enough, they have yet to see what's in store.

"Just who the HELL do you think you are?!" Grabbing another one of those tiny statues, Jang Won throws it into the other glass door of the cabinet.

"Jang Won, will you calm down?!"

"Don't you DARE tell me to calm down! You waltz back into this house after GOD knows how long- Hell, we BURIED you!"

"There was a mistake of the body identification and frankly, I expected a warmer welcome from you!"

"HA! A ‘warmer welcome’?! What do you want me to do? Set the entire house on fire? Do you want me to? Because I will!" The man has his brows furrowed back, palms out stretched to her. The mansion staff have all gathered a safe distance around the two of them, Mr Ro and some of those closer to Jang Won trying their best to get to her and calm her nerves but there is just absolutely no way she isn’t going to hurl a brick at her father.

"I can't BELIEVE you're standing there as if you own this place," The muscles around Jang Won’s nose twitches as the frown sinks deeper into her forehead. "I want you to hear this mighty well and crystal clear. You may have been the one who gave me life, but you will never EVER be my dad.”

The huffs that are billowing out Jang Won’s nostrils are starting to hurt.

"There is not a single cent you're stepping on - or touching, for that matter - that belongs to you. The only reason why I haven't fucking put a bullet through your right eye is because I'd go to jail and every thing I've worked for would be thrown out the window.”

“Now, now, love, we can sit down and be civilized about this—”

“Fuck you,” The anger surges through her, and she picks up one more palm-sized statue from the blue resin table. The heavy bronze weight leaves her fingers, and before it can hit the slightly aged man, someone reaches out and catches it instead.

“What the HELL are you doing?!” The scream echoes through the hall of the mansion. Younghoon sighs heavily, hand retreating back to his side as he hands the statue to one of the house staff.

“You have no right to get involved in this—”

“Jang Won, let’s go,” Younghoon strides across the space and grabs her arm, back-facing his father and trying to pull her in the opposite direction. “We can talk about this in your office.”

“How are you thinking straight?! We BURIED him! We watched his coffin get lowered into—”

“I know! I was there!” His eyes flutter shut in frustration, shoulders raising as he sucks in a deep breath, flaring his nostrils. “There’s no point destroying your own property over this. We can carry out some investigations, figure out what really happened, then we’ll work from there.”

The grip on her arm tightens when her instincts try to writhe away from him, but obviously, he doesn’t relent.

“Don’t do it. It’s not worth your time, or mine.”

He stares down at Jang Won, but it doesn’t scare her, not when she has a ghost standing right in the middle of some shattered mess. Not one cut on him.

Younghoon grimly shuts the door as Jang Won stomps over to her office desk and rests her palms flat against the Agar Wood surface. With a sharp, swift feat, she swipes nearly all the documents off the furniture. But when she misses the empty glass (that would usually be filled with some kind of alcohol or soda), she doesn't hesitate to pick it off the desk and propel it into the marble by the television mounted to the wall.

The shatter startles Younghoon as he whips around, eyes darting frantically between her and the mess she’s made.

"Jang Won!"

"Should I be concerned you don't seem one bit bothered that a dead man is standing in our living room - MY living room?"

"That dead man is our father."

"No, that dead man WAS our father before he ditched us! How are you not- UGH!"

Frustrated, furious and absolutely exasperate, she plops down into one of the two sofas sitting in the middle of the office, feet almost tempted to kick the frosted glass table in the middle but she holds herself back. Younghoon manages to get a few house staff into the room, who hurriedly help clear the glass and return the documents to the table. Fingers pressed into her temples, Jang Won could only imagine the gratification she could receive have if she had the chance to ram her first into someone's face.

Younghoon waits for the staff to leave, then stands by the sofa opposite her, one hand on his hip and the other running through his hair. The late morning sun reflects off his soft, dark brown locks when he absent-mindedly rubs the back of his head and he proceeds to unbutton his blazer to allow him a seat. The leather squeaks under his weight before he leans his elbows on his knees, knuckles resting under his lips and chin.

"Please tell me you're actually thinking and not just trying to look pretty. You're in my house now, not some studio photoshoot."

"I'm thinking about where to put a whole person for you."

"Don't bother, he's moved half his things into the first guestroom. He's probably holding a conductor's wand right now and asking the staff to help him with the second half."

"Have you called the funeral services?"

"And say what? 'Hey sir, have you... perhaps mis-screwed a coffin about 2 years back and now we might have a problem of a zombie'?"

"I'm just saying someone might've paid someone to replace the bodies!" Younghoon frowns, eyes stuck to the rug under his feet. "We don't know how it happened but someone MUST know, right?"

"I think your best bet is the asshole living down the hall now."

"He's not gonna budge, we both know that."

"Well, Sherlock Holmes, thanks for pointing out the obvious."

"I'm just trying to help. You need to stop your nonsensical whining and use your brain like how you used it to get all this money."

Jang Won picks up a pillow and hurls it into Younghoon. “You’re lucky you still stick around, else I’d have the both of you screwed over.”

Younghoon catches the pillow, holding it to his side. “The day I stop looking out for you is the day I die, alright? So you can be rest assured I’ll--”

“Miss Kim!” Mr Ro’s voice calls out from outside the office. 

“What is it, Mr Ro?” Younghoon turns and returns the call, head tilted towards the door. It croaks open, and Mr Ro’s eyes are tired, wary as he sticks his head in.

“Your father just left and... and I think you should see the news.” Mr Ro pushes past the heavy door and reaches for the remote sitting on the frosted glass. The television screen mounted above the fire place flickers on, and there it was, her father’s face.

“The Board has just confirmed the ownership of HERA & ARTEMIS will thus forth be returned to Kim Jo-Pil, father of Kim Jang Won, the current owner. Investigations as to Kim Jo-Pil’s supposed death two years ago are still ongoing.”

“I’m gonna kill him.”

“You can’t.”

“Watch me.”

“We’ll be-- Wha-- The Board’s just come in with some new information! Kim JO-Pil has announced a marriage between Kim Jang Won, current owner of HERA & ARTEMIS and Lee Juyeon, the next-in-line to becoming the next Director of Apple, South Korea.”

Younghoon’s eyeballs are about to bludgeon out of his eye sockets. “Jang Won... I know what you’re thinking... But don’t--”

“I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM!”

#lee juyeon #the boyz lee juyeon #lee juyeon fanfic #lee juyeon scenarios #the boyz fanfic #the boyz scenarios #tbz juyeon #tbz lee juyeon #juyeon #the boyz juyeon #juyeon fanfic #juyeon scenarios #love me a little less

[serasvictoria]

Stupid Games - Chapter 2

Pairing: Ubbe Lothbrok x Reader, Ivar Lothbrok x Reader

Rating: Explicit at the end

Word count: 7487 (look, I obviously have issues)

Summary: You used to live next to the Lothbroks when you were younger, but you moved away and haven't seen them since. A wedding brings you back to town after many years and during a bachelorette party you run into the brothers again.

Notes: After Hvitserk had a go in the first part, Ubbe and Ivar take over. I thought that this chapter would end up being more centered around Ubbe (he will get more attention in the next instalment), but Ivar had something to say about that apparently. He is a bit of a pushy shit in this chapter, but I was oddly into it.

Took me a while to post this, because I couldn't get the first part of this to work. I'm finally pleased with it now so hopefully it'll work for you guys as well *fingers crossed*

Part 1 (link to my AO3)

All images from Pinterest

Tagging @deans-ch-ch-cherrypie @ritual-unions-gotme @vikingstrash @pomegranates-and-blood @quantumlocked310 @adrille88 @actual-queen-of-hell @youbloodymadgenius @punkrocknpearls @zuxiezendler

“A game?”

After Ivar had alluded to some kind of game that seemed to be going on between Hvitserk and Ubbe, something that neither of them wanted to comment on, their youngest brother had been the one to tell you what he had been talking about. It didn’t exactly help that Ivar looked a little bit too gleeful that he was the one that got to tell you all about this.

They had been playing a game. And it was all centered around you. That was why whenever one of them tried something when you were still a teenager, the other one was always keen to take it one step further. Everything from the kissing to the heavy petting to the dry humping, quite possibly all the way down to what had taken place in the restrooms earlier, had all been part of some stupid game.

“So the two of you were just playing with me this entire time?” Hvitserk had gone completely silent and seemed to be more interested in the contents of his glass. You somehow guessed that he was waiting for Ubbe to say something, since he was usually the one that diffused situations when they threatened to get out of hand, but his older brother never interjected. “Why would you even do that?”

“I would never do that to you,” Ivar suddenly said. “They are children.”

“Now hang on…”

“Shut up, Hvitserk.” Whatever it was that he was going to say, you didn’t exactly want to hear it. “Yeah, Ivar, you’re a real saint.”

“Better than them anyway.”

“I need some fresh air.”

“You want me to come with you?”

“No, Ivar. Stay here.” You leaned over to him and briefly pressed your lips on his cheek. “But thanks for offering.”

Before turning away, your eyes swept over Ubbe and Hvitserk for a few seconds and it looked like Ubbe had been about to say something, finally finding some words, but he closed his mouth when you turned away from them. Obviously sensing that it might not be the best idea to say something right at this very moment. You pushed yourself through the throng of people, the air too stifling now. When you were relieved that you could finally breathe in some cool air instead of the almost humid atmosphere in the bar. The night air was pleasant, on the cusp of summer and autumn, where the temperatures were still nice until relatively late in the evening.

Despite the fact that you had given it up years ago, it was times like these where you wished you hadn’t quit smoking. Since your hands needed to do something, you grabbed your mobile instead and scrolled through your instagram feed, if only to make sure that you weren’t opening yourself up to a potential conversation with anyone.

If you were honest with yourself, you had always expected that Ubbe and Hvitserk had been up to something all those years ago, but that a game had been at the source of it was quite unexpected. You had somehow convinced yourself that you’d just been having fun, that you were simply exploring new things with the boys next door, that you were using them just as much as they were using you. But it was never that simple, was it? Because at one point your feelings had very much entered into it, long before Ubbe had even kissed you.

But would they really be so cruel as to turn it all into a game? You knew and trusted these guys. You had a hard time thinking of them as callous. They wouldn’t do that. Not to you.

“Want some company?” You turned your head to the side and saw Ubbe approach you. He leaned against the wall next to you, but kept his distance. “I know that what Ivar said just now sounds really bad, but he was the only one that ever called what we were doing a game. Neither me or Serk ever looked at it that way.”

“Then what was it?”

“Interest in my case and Hvitserk was obsessed. Plain and simple.”

“Obsessed? With me?”

“What did you think it was?” He turned so that his shoulder was now pressed up against the wall and he could look you in the eye. “You remember that stupid card game?” You nodded. “Serk knew that you had never kissed anyone and he wanted to be your first. He figured that he had it in the bag as well, but he didn’t have a clue that I had a winning hand.”

“I had sort of figured out that it was the reason why he had suggested that dumb prize in the first place.” Why else would he have even come up with it to begin with if he hadn’t been convinced that he would win? “But why didn’t he just kiss me then? I wouldn’t think that he needed much incentive to do that. Especially when you take into consideration how many other girls he had already kissed at that point.”

“I don’t know,” Ubbe said with a shrug. “I probably know him best of all, but I don’t get his reasoning all the time. Maybe he thought that his best option was to turn it into a game.”

“That would explain it.” You looked up at Ubbe with a slight smile when your mind flitted back to that particular day. “And then he lost.”

“He was furious.” Ubbe started laughing. “Even accused me of rigging the game in my favour later.”

“It wasn’t like the kiss was any good.”

“Say what now?” He playfully poked a finger against your ribs. “I was prepared to put my heart and soul in that kiss. You were the one that pulled away.”

“Don’t remind me.” The only thing that you remembered was that you were absolutely horrified that Ubbe had essentially been forced to kiss you because of some dumb game. You’d wanted it to be a natural thing, not something that he had felt obligated to do. “He didn’t have any problems later on.”

“He wanted to outdo me.”

“Then what was everything that happened earlier all about?

“You want to know what he told me?”

“Well yeah.” You thought about it for a few seconds after answering him and added a quick, “It’s not going to be bad, is it?”

“Nope.” Sensing your apprehension, he reached out and took one of your hands in his as a comforting gesture. “He said that it had been worth the wait. As soon as he said that, I knew what the two of you had gotten up to while you were away.”

“Worth the wait?”

“He was obsessed with finding out what you tasted like. He even lost sleep over it at the time.” Ubbe barked out a laugh when he saw the surprised, yet also intrigued, look on your face. “It was pretty bad.”

“Oh my god,” you groaned. “He is such an idiot.”

You covered your face with your free hand and wished that you could just disappear right this very moment. This was definitely not what you thought was going to happen when you decided to come back to Kattegat after all these years. You always knew that there was a chance that you’d run into the Lothbroks at one point during your visit, but you hadn’t accounted for anything like this.

Ubbe’s hand slowly peeled your hand away from your eyes and his big blue eyes peered into yours quite insistently. “We’re cool, right?”

“Come on. As if I could stay mad at you.”

“Good.” He kept up his intense stare and kept holding your hands. Whenever you tried to pull your hands away, he squeezed until you stopped resisting. “Can I ask you something?”

“Depends on what you want to know.”

“Why did you never call?”

“Call?” You frowned, not sure what he was talking about. “When?”

“When you moved away. You promised to stay in touch, but you never did.”

“Oh. That. Why do you want to talk about that now?”

“Just always wondered about it. That’s all.”

“I don’t think I…” He tilted his head to the side in a similar way that Ivar always did to show that he wasn’t going to drop the subject. You sighed deeply and wished that he’d just let go of your hands already so you could cover your face again. “Stupid really.” You tried to figure out how best to say this since it had been based on nothing but teenage insecurities at the time and they seemed so trivial now that you were a grown up. Ubbe didn’t push you, he simply waited until you found the words, his thumbs drawing comforting circles on the palms of your hands. “I erm… I wanted to. Just figured you guys would be busy.”

“With what?”

“More important… stuff.”

“Cut the crap.”

“Okay. Jesus.” You squeezed your eyes shut, knowing that he couldn’t exactly pry your eyelids open. “I needed some time to adjust at first so I didn’t want to bother you guys with that dumb shit. Who wants to hear about that crap right? To hear me bitch and moan about how much I hated it there.”

Your mother had moved to be closer to her family and staying in Kattegat had hurt too much. Much later she had told you that everything there had reminded her of your father. Where they had their first date, where he had proposed, everything there had been tied to him and she wanted to get away from it. Her entire life before she had met your father had been in Silkeborg which seemed a million miles away from the only place that you’d ever known. You transferred into school in the middle of a school year and the only kids you knew there were two cousins, one of which you hated. You were absolutely miserable and basically kept your head down until you were old enough to go to college so you could get the hell out of there.

“I stayed in touch with Svana, Olga and Gunna and I eventually asked about you guys, since I was thinking of calling and I wanted to know if it’d be weird if I did that after going all silent for a while.” You swallowed. God, this was hard. “But they’d always go all quiet when I brought you guys up and I didn’t know why. They kept saying that you were doing fine and wouldn’t elaborate. So I asked Kára instead since she’s the only one that wouldn’t sugarcoat anything...”

That was where you stopped suddenly, not really wanting to continue. The reason was so incredibly stupid. It didn’t matter. The urge to go back inside and get paralytically drunk was overwhelming. Before you knew what happened, your face suddenly connected with Ubbe’s chest and he gave you a massive hug. He was still good at giving those. You still remembered that time after he had given you your first orgasm and the two of you had lain in his bed, hugging each other until it got dark outside. He never even said anything that time either, he just held you which was the exact same thing that he was doing right now.

“What did she say?” Nothing in how he held you gave away that he was angry, but you could hear it quite clearly in his voice.

“This is so stupid.” You pressed your head against his chest so that you could muffle your answer. “They told me that you and Serk were seeing Margrethe.”

At the time it had felt like the deepest betrayal to your young mind. It didn’t matter that you hadn’t been in a relationship with either one of them, but the only thought that had been on your mind at the time was that they’d moved on and found someone else. With your mortal enemy no less. It wasn’t like they didn’t know that the relationship that you had with her was strained, if you could even call it that at all.

You thought that the two of you had been friends at one time, but Margrethe had merely befriended you as a means to get closer to the Lothbroks. When that hadn’t worked, she had started spreading vicious rumours around school and the word about you being a whore that slept with all four of the boys spread around the school like wildfire.

It hadn’t mattered how much anyone had denied it, a lot of people had been a bit too eager to accept the gossip as gospel. Mainly girls had eaten it up like cake. Apparently a lot of girls were incredibly jealous of the fact that you were around the most popular guys in school almost constantly. The only girls that had stood by you through all of it were the seven girls that you were with tonight. Kára had even attempted to break Margrethe’s nose when she’d found out who had been behind the rumours and had been expelled for a week because of it.

In the end Margrethe had gotten exactly what she wanted.

“That’s it?”

“What do you mean ‘that’s it’?” You pulled away and slapped his chest suddenly. “You knew I had a history with that bitch.”

“Maybe you should have called and asked me about it.” He sighed and pulled you back in for another hug. “Or were you worried about what the answer might have been?”

“I was a dumb kid.” You pressed your head against his chest again and breathed in his comforting scent. He always smelled so musky and earthy. There was no other scent quite like it. “Course I was worried.”

“It was never that serious. Not for her anyway.”

“What are you talking about?”

“She had… issues.” Ubbe was picking his words very carefully. It wasn’t that big of a surprise to you to be honest. The fact that Margrethe was seriously troubled hadn’t completely escaped you back then, but you had never concerned yourself too much with trying to figure out what her deal was. “I tried to help her, but whenever I tried to broach the subject she’d run to Serk to badmouth me.”

Even if you haven’t thought of Margrethe for years, hearing him say that made you want to hunt her down. You would have told him that too, but that wasn’t what he needed right now. You were a bit at a loss how to make it better however. It didn’t seem like he was still hurting or anything so telling him that everything was okay was probably a million miles off.

“She always had her problems,” was all you said in the end.

“I know,” he replied. “All in the past.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Shut down on me.” He released you, cupped your chin and gently tilted your head up so you could look at him. “You used to do that when we were kids as well.”

“I swear that I wasn’t! But you started this. Not me.”

“So it’s my fault?”

“Basically,” you said with a grin as another idea formed in the back of your head. “So make it up to me.”

“Make it up to you?” His eyes started sparkling with obvious delight. “I’m not going to do what Serk did earlier. I never wanted to outdo him at anything. I know I can do better.”

“That’s not what I was thinking of!” You smacked your hand against his arm first before letting it rest on his bicep. You could not help but give him a light squeeze, briefly imagining how easy it must be for him to lift you up and pin you between himself and the wall. “You’re unbelievable.”

“You’re thinking about it now though.” He brushed his thumb over your bottom lip. “I can see it in your eyes.”

“Doesn’t mean I want you to do it,” you replied. “Not out here anyway.”

“Hmmm.” He leaned forward, his beard tickling against your ear as he kept talking. “What do you want me to do then?” His large hands settled on your hips and he pushed you back against the wall. “You’re gonna have to tell me, princess.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

“Maybe.”

Ubbe settled his lips on your neck. All he did was kiss and nip at your skin, but you could feel your heart rate increase already. He briefly reached up to pull the collar of your shirt open, placed his mouth right on the spot where your neck met your shoulder and started sucking on your skin. Despite the fact that the two of you were standing only a short distance away from the red neon light that hung above the entrance to the bar, he covered you in such a way that it would simply look like the two of you were just making out. Besides, crazier stuff must have happened out here anyway.

“This what you had in mind?” he murmured huskily against your neck. Before you could reply, he moved his hands from your hips to your ass. “Or do you want me to take you home?”

“What is it with the two of you and this urge to get me back to your place?” You blurted out with a giggle. “I just wanted you to kiss me.”

“That it?” He peeled his lips away from your neck and pressed his forehead against yours. “Just a kiss?”

“Just a kiss.”

“You sure are easy to please.”

“As you know.” Ubbe never really had to try very hard with you and he knew this. In the past he would always joke about how blissed out you would look even after something as simple as a kiss. You tilted your chin up so that your lips brushed together. “You gonna kiss me or not?”

“Your wish is my command, princess.”

Pushing forward, he closed the small distance and captured your lips. The kiss that he had given you inside earlier had been intense as well, but it had been short and tasted of more. He didn’t have to stop now. He growled against your lips, kissing you so hungrily that it felt like he was trying to devour you. Even when younger Ubbe had often joked that he was like a wolf, something that his parents had recognised at birth and had named him for it. It had always made you laugh, but you could practically feel the resemblance now. If he could have his way, he’d no doubt be tearing your clothes off right now so he could eat you alive.

If he kept this up, you would be tempted to just turn around and let him fuck you right here up against the wall. Your entire head felt fuzzy and it was pretty hard to concentrate on anything other than Ubbe’s tongue which he kept slipping into your mouth. Hvitserk had worked you up to a frenzy not that long ago, but Ubbe was beginning to push you in a similar direction very quickly. One of his hands started sliding down and you knew that you should tell him to stop before you lost your mind completely, but you didn’t. His hot palm was on your bare thigh seconds later and then he slid it up, dipping his fingers into your panties so he could touch your bare skin.

“You’re burning up,” he groaned against your lips.

“Sure feels like it.”

“Want me to do something about it?”

It sure would be tempting to simply say “yes”. And oh so easy. Just one word. Just that little affirmative answer and he’d do something about this heat that he was gradually stoking inside of you. Your body was practically screaming at you to just say “yes”, to get it over with and stop putting it off. You could have what you wanted. Right here and right now. All you had to do was…

“Oh hell no!” You pulled your lips away from him, because you recognized that voice. “You little slut!”

“Am not!”

“Yeah, you are!” Svana was making rude gestures at the pair of you from the entrance with a big smile on her face. “Get back in here. We just bought another round. As for you,” she was pointing straight at Ubbe now. “We bought your ass a beer, so you’d better finish it before we let your brother have it.” She cackled loudly and then disappeared without waiting to see what the two of you were going to do.

“What do you want to do?” Now that his lips weren’t on yours anymore, it was a lot easier to think. When you didn’t answer straight away, he pinched your ass once before removing his hand from your underwear. “Go back in?”

“Be a shame to waste those drinks.”

“I guess.” He held his hand out to you and you took it without hesitation. “One thing though, you’re having dinner at our place tomorrow. Just to avoid any more interruptions.” You could feel all the hairs on your arm stand on end the second the words were out of his mouth. Just the thought of an evening with the two of them with no one around to stop them… your brain already went into overdrive. “Deal?”

“Sure. Sounds good.”

Right before the two of you passed through the entrance, Ubbe pushed you up against the wall right next to it very quickly and gave you one final hungry kiss that took your breath away.

It very much felt like a little taster to what could happen the following evening if you’d let him keep going.

*****

After the night you’d had, you were glad to be back in your hotel room.

When you and Ubbe had gone back inside to join your friends, you found that Hvitserk and Ivar had already joined them and the rest of the evening was filled with even more alcohol and witnessing some incredibly bad dancing from Hvitserk’s end.

Switching the light on in the small bathroom, you looked at yourself in the mirror and came to the conclusion that you looked like absolute shit. You stripped out of your clothes, dropped them on the floor and left them there. It wasn’t of the utmost importance that you fold them up right this minute anyway. You had already hung a slinky, spaghetti strapped nightshirt on a peg on the door. It had been packed in case you managed to get lucky sometime during this short trip and the way things were looking after tonight, there was a definite chance that you would.

Make-up removed and teeth brushed, you headed back into the room and promptly dropped face first into the bed. You spread yourself out over the mattress and pressed your face into the sheets. It was a good thing that you didn’t have anything planned until tomorrow evening (technically this evening), because you probably wouldn’t wake up until midday.

You’d been about to doze off when you heard your mobile. You swore and reached for it and stared at the screen. Unknown caller. You groaned and shoved it underneath the pillow. Probably a wrong number or some bad joke from one of your drunk friends. It kept ringing until it switched over to voicemail and you sighed deeply when it stopped, completely ready to let sleep overtake you…

It started ringing again. By now you were determined to ignore it, but as soon as it stopped, you kept hearing your ringtone kick back to life. Whoever it was, they would not allow you to fall asleep until you’d picked up. After the fourth time, you dug it out from under the pillow and answered.

“What!” The annoyance in your voice was unmistakable and you’d been about to start swearing about how this had better be really fucking important when you heard a familiar voice on the other end.

“That’s no way to greet an old friend.”

“Ivar?” You rolled over until you were laying on your back. “What the hell? Do you know what time it is?”

“4:48.”

“Jesus Christ. Why are you calling me? And how did you get my number anyway?”

“Ubbe gave it to me.” You’d exchanged numbers with Ubbe after he’d invited you round to have dinner with him and Hvitserk since he had promised to pick you up. “You didn’t want me to have it?”

“I didn’t say that.” You didn’t mind. Ivar would probably end up getting your number sooner or later anyway, but he still hadn’t mentioned why he had decided that now was a good time to call you. “I don’t know why you’re calling me, but can’t it wait until later?”

“No. I need to talk to you now.”

“Okay, fine,” you said with a sigh. You had known Ivar for long enough to know that he was the type of person that would end up getting his way no matter what and if Ivar wanted to talk to you, that would be exactly what would happen. It didn’t matter if you were too tired, you just had to get over it and accept it. “What is it?”

“What are you wearing anyway?”

“Ivar! What the fuck! I’m not telling you that.” You started laughing and was waiting for him to join in to let you know that he had asked you that question to be funny, but he never did. “Get to the point. Why are you calling me?”

“I was just thinking of you in that ridiculous outfit.”

“Oh. And you figured you’d call me to tell me about it?”

“Yes. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep after seeing that and I don’t think you should either.”

“Okaaaay…” You stretched out the word and found yourself wondering what else was going to be coming out of his mouth. “So what should I be doing instead?”

“Touch yourself.” For a few seconds you weren’t entirely sure that you’d heard him correctly, somehow convinced that you were imagining this entire conversation because you were so sleep deprived. But then he said your name in a low voice and asked, “Are you still there?”

“Y-yes.” You didn’t know why he was asking you to do this, but it had to be a joke to see if you’d actually do it. That was the only logical explanation. “D-did you just ask me to…”

“Touch yourself, yes.” He paused for a few seconds while you were still waiting for him to tell you that this was all a joke, that he had just been having some fun, but then he continued. “But you were wrong.”

“Oh? About what?”

“I wasn’t asking you, I was telling you.”

“Ivar, you can’t just call me at five in the morning and tell me t-”

“Yes, I can.” He cut you off before you could finish your sentence. “Touch yourself. I am not telling you again.”

“Ivar, fuck.” Hearing the command in his voice was working for you in ways that you had never thought possible. You pressed the index finger of your free hand against your neck, just below your ear, and started trailing it down. “This is insane.”

“Are you touching yourself, kitten?”

“Y-yes.” This really was a dream. You were having some kind of vivid sexual dream involving the kid that used to sit in the little red trailer behind your bike as he screamed at you to go faster. And now that same kid, all grown up by now, was initiating phone sex with you. “I am.”

“Where?”

“My collarbone.” Your finger had pressed into the dip above your sternum and had started trailing outward.

“Child’s play.” Ivar sounded less than impressed with you. “Are your nipples hard?”

“Ivar!”

“What?” You heard him chuckle on the other end. “Well? Are they?”

You looked down at your chest and could see your nipples pressing up against the silky fabric of your nightshirt. “Yes.”

“So touch them instead.” Despite the fact that he couldn’t see whether you were doing it or not, you thought that he would probably be able to tell if you were ignoring what he was telling you to do. “Your collarbone. Honestly.” You whimpered when your finger brushed up against the hardened nub. “Feel good?” You made an affirmative noise. “Squeeze.” You did as he asked again and stifled a moan. “Don’t do that.”

“W-what?”

“I want to hear you.” You repeated the movement and this time you didn’t try to silence yourself. “Good.” You could hear the pride in his voice. “Now move your hand down lower.”

Your hand skimmed down your stomach, moving down ever lower until your fingers brushed over your mound and you sighed deeply when your hand dipped down in between your legs. When you pressed against your covered core, you could feel that your underwear was already damp and you set to lazily rubbing your fingers up and down. Little gasps and moans kept tumbling from your lips and you gripped your mobile tighter in your hand.

“Did I tell you that you could do that?” Your hand stopped moving instantly and you made sure that Ivar heard how displeased you were. “No. I didn’t say that you could move your hand down that low.” Since you could somehow tell that it was coming, you pulled your hand away and moved it next to you to grip the sheets instead. “Start again.”

“From where?”

“Your collarbone.”

“I thought that was child’s play?”

“Just do it,” he replied mercilessly. “And don’t talk back. Good girls do whatever they’re told.”

“And who told you that I was a good girl?” He wasn’t in the room with you so you could be a little bit defiant. “Good girls don’t necessarily give guys blowjobs in restrooms.”

“Probably not.”

Without any warning, the call suddenly disconnected. You stared at your screen in confusion. Why would Ivar get you all hot and bothered like that only to hang up on you? So now you had to finish it yourself and then you could finally fall asleep. You’d been about to do just that when your phone started ringing again. When you looked at the screen, you saw that someone wanted to video call you. You swiped your thumb over the screen and the next thing you knew Ivar’s face came into view.

“You thought that I was going to leave you hanging, weren’t you?”

“I kinda did yeah.”

“I just wanted to see with my own eyes that you were going to do what I told you.” Ivar bit his lower lip. It was a move that was almost a little bit too calculated to come across as natural, but you didn’t really mind. It only made you wish that he was in the room with you so you could feel those lips on yours. “Now show me what you are wearing.”

You moved the phone up a little bit higher and slowly tilted it downward. There was a lace trim at the top of your nightshirt and the rest was made of a pink silky material. It didn’t exactly leave much to the imagination. You had your legs pulled up so he couldn’t see your underwear properly and you could see a slight frown crease his brow.

“Open your thighs.” You parted your legs slowly and made sure that he could see your panties. They didn’t match your nightshirt, but when you heard him whistle through his teeth it was made clear that he didn’t particularly care that you weren’t wearing a matching set. “Nice.”

“You like it?”

“A lot. Let me see your face again.” You moved the screen back up and smiled at him. “I want you to take it off now.”

“My nightshirt?”

“Everything.” He could probably see the hesitation on your face and you saw his eyes soften. “Would you do that for me, kitten?”

“Just my top.” You saw his other hand move into view for a few seconds, gesturing at you to continue. You put the phone down next to you, pushed yourself up into a sitting position and removed your top. Moving back into view of your phone, you sat in such a way that Ivar could see that you were half naked now without letting him see your bare chest. “See?”

“But not enough.” One corner of his mouth curled up in an almost wicked grin. “Just a peek.” You knew where this was heading, that much was obvious, but you had never done anything like this before and it made you apprehensive. “Do you want me to say please?”

“I’m not so sure you can say please.” You lay back down, moved one of your arms so it covered your breasts and grabbed the phone again. You held it high above you so he could see your face and the top of your chest. “Like this?”

“You’re not giving me a lot to work with here.” He sounded unimpressed so you moved your hand, aiming it down lower so he could see the arm that you were covering yourself with. “Move your arm.” You briefly closed your eyes and took in a deep breath to steady yourself, but didn’t pull your arm away. He said your name and you looked up at his face again. “Please?”

Very slowly, you spread your fingers so a single nipple appeared between them. His tongue peeked out from between his lips to swipe over his bottom lip. You saw his lips move, but before he could say anything you started circling the pebbled nub with one of your fingers. Ivar’s pupils were so big by now that you could barely make out the blue in his eyes anymore. You couldn’t help but wonder if he would come over if you were to ask him to.

“Move your arm.” You took a deep breath and very slowly started moving your arm down until it was resting right underneath your breasts. Ivar tried to hide it, but you saw his eyes widen ever so slightly and then he uttered a low, “Fuck.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“What are you wearing?” He didn’t respond immediately, he merely looked amused that you even asked him this, so you tried to make your next words sound as commanding as possible. “Show me.”

Ivar kept his eyes on yours for a few seconds longer and just when you thought that he wasn’t going to show you anything at all, he slowly tilted the phone down to show you that his chest was already bare. You’d already felt it back at the bar when he pulled you closer to him a couple of times after he and his brothers had joined your group of friends, but my god, he was ripped. You’d been paying such attention to his chest and the tattoos that covered part of it, that you hadn’t noticed that his other arm wasn’t visible. In fact you might even have noticed that there was slight movement coming from that side of his chest, but sadly you hadn’t.

The camera moved down over his stomach and you found yourself wanting to know how his skin would feel against the palm of your hands as you skimmed them down his chest. It wasn’t until you caught sight of trimmed hairs that led down that you noticed that he wasn’t wearing any underwear either. And then, without any prior warning, his cock suddenly came into view. You saw it for a few seconds, your mind only barely registering how hard he was and how slowly he was stroking himself before he disappeared from view and you started swearing.

“Fuck! Dammit!” You rubbed your forehead and heard him doing his utmost not to burst out in laughter on the other end. “Not funny, Ivar.”

“I am sorry, kitten.” He cleared his throat, chuckled one more time and then asked, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Dropped my goddamn phone.”

“Look at me.” You rolled on your side to grab your mobile and propped it up against a pillow so he could still have a clear view of your face. It also meant that you would not be able to drop the damn thing on yourself again. You definitely didn’t want to explain a possible black eye to Ubbe and Hvitserk tomorrow. “Were you that shocked?”

“Wasn’t expecting you to be naked,” you replied, feeling mighty stupid about yourself right now. “That’s all.”

“So… now that you know that I’m naked…”

“I’m not going to be showing you my pussy.”

“I am shocked that you even thought that.” He even gasped, but you didn’t believe him. That fucker always kept a very tight lid on his emotions. No way that something like that would shock him. “You could still take your underwear off though.”

“I could.” When you didn’t move, Ivar started pouting. Very much like before, it was such a practiced move. How many times had he done something like that before to get what he wanted? “You sly fucker.”

“What did I do?”

“Shut up. As if you don’t know.” His mouth broke out into a wide grin and you shook your head. “You are such a dick, Ivar.” When you saw him open his mouth to speak, you cut him off. “Don’t say it.”

“Say what?”

“If you were going to say anything about how nice your dick looks, I swear that I’ll hang up.”

“I wasn’t going to say that, but thanks.” You groaned for even voicing that opinion out loud. You really had to learn to think before you speak, especially around someone like Ivar. “What kind of guy would say that?”

“Have you met Serk?”

“Good point,” he said with a chuckle. “I was just going to ask you to take your panties off again.”

“You always were a persistent little shit.” Why not give him what he wanted? You weren’t going to shove the phone in between your legs to show him that you were entirely naked, you’d made that clear already. “Tell me. Don’t ask me.”

“Hmmm. So you like that, do you?” His grin turned practically feral now that you’d given him a piece of information that he would likely use against you at some other point in the future. “Take your panties off. Now.”

“Yes, sir.” The word was out of your mouth before you even realised it and when you did, your cheeks flushed bright red. “Oh my god… I-I am so s-sorry… that was…”

“Hot?” Your horrified expression only amused him more and he started laughing. “You can call me that anytime, kitten.”

“I wasn’t…”

“But I did tell you to do something, didn’t I?”

And then the command was back. When an involuntary moan escaped your lips, he drew attention to his own lips again by running his tongue over his plump bottom lip. You mouthed the word “fuck” before reaching down and sliding your underwear down your legs. When they were off, you moved them into view of your phone to show him that you were now entirely naked and hearing him groan softly on the other end felt strangely good.

“Ivar?”

“What is it, kitten?”

“If you’re going to tell me to touch my collarbone again, I’ll kill you.”

“Impatient.” Before he could tell you to do anything, you’d already slid your hand between your legs and you made sure that he heard the sound that you made when your fingers finally came into contact with your soaking wet pussy. “Fine. I’ve been touching myself for a while so I’ll allow it.”

“You’ll allow it? Gee, thank you, Ivar.”

“I can be merciful,” he replied without a hint of embarrassment. “What are you doing?”

“Touching myself.”

“You’re going to have to be more specific than that.”

“Lord. This is kinda…” You squeezed your eyes shut and bucked your hips up against your hand. “Fuck.” His laboured breathing was starting to propel you closer to reaching a climax and when you opened your eyes to look at the screen again, you could tell that he probably didn’t need much more either. “I’m so wet,” you half moaned. “Wish you were here so you could… replace my fingers… with your tongue…”

“Oh y-yeah?”

“Mmmm.” You moved your hand away from yourself, quickly replacing it with your other hand and then held your arousal soaked fingers up to the screen. “See that?” His lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. You kept eye contact with him when you sucked your digits into your mouth, moaning as you did so. You moved your fingers in and out of your mouth, determined to give him some kind of show.

“I need to feel those pretty lips of yours…” He was finally able to talk now. “...wrapped around my cock.” You released your fingers with a loud pop and then presented your tongue to him, to mimic that you were doing something else entirely. “Just like that,” he said with a grin. “Bet you’d look good on your knees.”

“In my… skirt…”

“Yeah…” It was getting more and more difficult for him to talk now, you could tell, but he was still trying. “I’m so…”

Ivar never finished his sentence. All that came out was a low guttural growl and then he was done. His eyes were closed and his breathing was heavy as he came down from his high. You kept your eyes focused on his lips and his tongue that kept darting out to moisten them. When he finally opened his eyes, within seconds he knew what you’d been looking at.

“Kitten.” He practically purred the word at you and you could feel your muscles twitch involuntarily. Your movements increased, rubbing harder as the pressure continued to build. “I should just come over so I can make you come with my mouth and my fingers.” Your face started to feel hot and you gasped loudly. You were close. So close. “And then, if you’ve been a good girl, I might even fuck you.” He paused for a few seconds, his blue eyes locked on yours. “But only if you’ve been really good.”

“Oh my god…” One last circular movement around your clit, that was all you needed. You squeezed your eyes shut and all but wailed the words as your legs started shaking, your muscles spasming, your toes curling against the blanket. “Shit, shit, shit…”

You were aware of Ivar’s soft chuckle somewhere in the background, but it was hard to focus on anything after orgasming that hard. If it was already this good, what the hell was it going to be like if he was actually in the room with you? If he actually pressed that thick cock of his into you and growled into your ear what a good girl you were? The sheer thought of it was almost enough to make you come again.

Finally cracking an eye open, you looked at the screen to find Ivar’s blue eyes focused on you. One corner of your mouth curled up and then you wiped the sweat off your brow that had accumulated there. “Fuck. That was amazing,” you said with a breathy laugh. “I’m exhausted.”

“I can tell,” he said quietly. “Will you be able to sleep or do you need me for something else?”

Wait. Was he angling for an invitation here? You looked at the alarm clock that was on the bedside table. The red glowing numbers had the time at 5:16 in the morning.

“Nope.” You decided to play dumb. “Why? Did you want to talk?”

“Talk? No.” He chuckled softly in reply and ran his hand down his face. “So that’s how it’s going to be?”

“Yep.” You rolled over on your side and blew a kiss at the camera. “Good night, Ivar.”

Before he could say anything in reply, you had already disconnected the call and then pressed your face into the pillow as you laughed. Your phone started beeping almost immediately. You saw a message illuminate the screen and you unlocked it to reply.

The message read: That was rude.

Since you hadn’t had a chance to add his number to your contact list, you were seeing nothing but his phone number so you added him so you could at least see his name.

Good night, Ivar.

You saw that he was typing back and it didn’t take him long to send a reply. Good night, kitten. You were going to reply, but saw dots appear again. I’ll have to teach you some manners the next time we see each other.

A shiver ran down your spine when you read his message. You wondered what he was planning, but knowing him it would probably be good.

Good night, Ivar. And I’m looking forward to it.

He didn’t send you any more messages and you fell into a deep sleep shortly after while clutching your mobile tightly.

#vikings #vikings au #ubbe ragnarsson #ubbe lothbrok #ivar ragnarsson #ivar lothbrok #ubbe x reader #ivar x reader #mar writes #mar moodboards

[party-lemon]

This month is Mental Health Awareness Month so I'd like to make a post talking about something that I don't actually see a lot of people talk about or address; health anxiety.

I have suffered with health anxiety/hypochondria for two years now and I suffer through it every day. Some days are worse than others.

When most people hear about health anxiety, the first thing they associate it with is "thinking a headache is a brain tumor." I've thought this numerous times but that's not the only thing I have to deal with.

Health anxiety makes you scrutinize everything or anything that seems even slightly off. It makes you hyper-aware of your heartbeat, your breathing, your thoughts, your speech. I keep track of bumps on my skin. I check my heart beat numerous times a day. I take deep breaths every once in a while to be sure that I am breathing correctly. It feels like an obsession.

And, of course, health anxiety is thinking that mild illnesses or symptoms are something more serious. I keep thinking my seasonal allergies are covid. I think stumbling on my words is a stroke. I think heart burn is a heart attack. I have thought that a headache is an aneurysm. I feel sick when I'm tired, it's part of being me, and I think I'm dying. The only reason I haven't gotten the vaccine yet is because I know I will worry about the side effects even though I know it will just be the side effects. Name anything that could have been slightly wrong with myself, anything at all, and it's highly possible that I have thought, at some point, that it is something serious.

When my health anxiety first started two years ago, I am almost entirely sure that it was only so bad because I made myself feel more sick than I really was.

I've always been a healthy person. The worst sickness I have had is a common cold or a stomach flu. Two years ago, I started drinking iced coffee more and one thing led to another, caffeine didn't agree with me, and I started having some heart burn caused by acid reflux. It was nothing major but I had never had heart burn before so I convinced myself that something was horribly wrong with me. I was freaking out so bad one night that I went to the ER. They gave me some stomach medication which only made me feel worse.

For six months, give or take, I was convinced that something was wrong. The health anxiety got so bad that, in the summer of 2019, I convinced myself almost every night that I was going to die in my sleep. I would stay awake until I literally couldn't keep my eyes open. I took sleeping medication and I fought it's effects because I was scared. I was so terrified of anything that was slightly wrong. I checked my heart beat constantly. I was miserable.

I have gotten better but some days are worse than others. I've found that any sort of distraction helps. It makes me take my mind away from fixating on anything that I deem slightly off. During the summer, when I don't have many distractions, it's worse.

I don't talk about this much with anyone. I don't have a therapist. The nights that I was afraid to sleep, I dealt with it myself. My coping mechanism is writing down how I feel, and that doesn't even work sometimes. I've worked through everything by myself. I wish I hadn't.

So, I guess, the point of this post is to raise more awareness about health anxiety. I don't see many people talk about it and so I want to let the few people that do have it know that they aren't alone. One of the reasons I didn't get help was because I thought people might think I'm crazy. Your thoughts may be irrational and maybe you know they are, like I do, and you still can't keep them away, but you aren't alone. It's okay to get help.

Thank you for reading.

#mental health #mental illness #mental heath support #mentalwellness #mental heath awareness #health anxiety #hypochondria #general glitchy things