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afuckedupkindawayx · 5 years

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So yeah this is a lil post about me :)

Its now 11th May 2019 and its safe to say i’ve had the shittest start to the year not to mention the way 2018 ended.

But i’ve come so far, i’ve realised the mistakes i’d made in my teens and grown from them all.

Earlier this year my life was hanging by a thread, i’d tried to kill myself. I was rushed to the emergency room with my arm wrapped in a towel as i bled out in the car, my mum crying thinking she’d have to watch me die in the back of the car. But heres the funny thing, i never cried, i didnt care. The only thing i wanted was one person but unfortunatly that was too far gone and i guess so was i. In that moment as i sat and had my arm stitched up i didnt think about anything else other than ripping the stitches out and ending it all, but i didnt. I dealt with it and got the help i’d been constantly told to get. After all the sessions and meetings i was finally told what was wrong with me, after all these years of crying and overthinking and being so self-destructive, there was finally a reason why i’d fucked my life up so much. I was diagnosed with BPD and severe depression, it all began to make sense. After seeing doctors and having my case explained to me i finally came around to understanding who i was, i finally found myself. Its weird i guess, having to come so close to death to find yourself but it was a blessing in disguise. The meds they put me on have helped, i dont get into my head about much anymore, which is nice, the quiets nice again. I’ve done some terrible things in my life, i’ve hurt so many people that i loved, and probably the one person i loved the most, but now i dont blame myself, i dont hate myself for it and i dont regret it anymore. It happend and its over. Im finally able to smile and build myself up again and thats exactly what i need to do. I look back on the mistakes i’d made and now i just see how far i’ve, how much i’ve grown since and im proud of myself, im happy that im still here and still breathing. Yes im still going to make some mistakes and hit a few bumps on the road but we all will, we’re only human, i just know that in the end everythings going to be okay and that i’ll get my happy ending and live a long and loving life because thats who i am. Thats who i’ll always be. Theres been a few people who have stuck by me so much and i cant thank them enough, my girls, haydn, my family. They’ve all played such a huge part and i know i’ll still need their support for a while but i know i can rely on them, because we’re all a family. Im still on the road to recovery and yeah its going to be a long one, i thought the meds would have fucked me up but they havent, they’ve made my life easier, they’ve given me back a form of hope i guess, hope that one day i’ll find someone that’ll accept my mistakes and my messes, someone that’ll accept me for all my rights and wrongs, because by the time that day comes i’ll be 100% and stronger than ever because im already on my way there. I’m working hard for myself and to prove to everyone i’ve grown from the days of getting a high for a bit of happiness or sleeping around just to feel something. Im working on myself to better my future and to better my life. So yeah, i guess this is just a post about how i’ve grown and am still growing, i love each and every person in my life right now and i wouldnt have it any other way so thank you all for being here, it means the world to me 💕

#better #help #life #support #future #self love #self care #mine

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single30smumtobeviaspermdon-blog · 5 years

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This Is Me -33,Single,Mummy to be Via Sperm Donor.

So today is my first ever blog post. So I will introduce myself and why I wanted to start a blog.

My name is Jessica, I’m 34 this year,been single for the past 8 years. I’ve dated guys here and there but never anything long term,my friends would say I was a “ProActive Dater” and I always seem to be the one who gets burnt, I’m finding the guys I’ve met dont really wanna settle down,or just be dating just me, or they have been married or in a long term relationship,had kids and dont want anymore. So it leaves me to where I am now?

When I was 26, I was told I had the early signs of cervical cancer,at the time I was recently single after a 6 year relationship ended, I felt my whole world would be over, as only the year before my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 mestactic breast cancer and was only given 18 months to live

.After 7 years of surgerys,check ups every 3-6 months then being told I may not ever have children, I could never get too “clucky” as I didnt want to get my hopes up.It wasnt until October 2018 I got my results back after a 12 mth clearance to be told, its completly gone...The shock and emotion I had at the time I broke down and cryed with joy as I never thought this rollercoaster would end and my specialist did tell me if it came back,It would have resulted in a hysterectomy.I felt it was a gift from my mother,(She lost her battle to cancer in July 2017,after 7.5 yrs fighting)

You could say after I walked out of the doctors surgery that day, I walked out with a new lease on life, I started to think more about the future and what I wanted for myself. I became clucky and thinking to myself wow I can become a mum.. But I’m 33 and single and nothing on the horizon and just tired of dating,the lies and bullshit you have to go through.So I was thinking alot of friends who are married with kids,ones who are single parents on there own and doing it well and looking at the chance of doing IVF.

I was telling an old time friend about my plans to be a mum and was looking at doing IVF, then she had told me about a Australian site a friend of hers is on where there are donors willing to help people out. Her friend is in the process atm. So I added the site. I also remember seeing on tv a few yrs ago this site helping people becoming parents. I joined the group seen what people write or donors wanting to offer there help etc. It amazed me really, there are kind people out there willing to help peoples dreams of parenthood come true.

So a few weeks past,my holiday to Bali on my own came up, this was my chance to relax and really think if I’m gonna do this and also cause my depo shot was now due (contraceptive). I weighed up the Pro’s and Con’s and decided Lets do this, I’ll be 40 by the time Mr Right may show up and sweep me off my feet then it will be too late to start a family for me. Plus I’m just done with dating right now.Whilst I was away I was scrolling the doner site etc and I happened to see a doner ad which caught my attention. Hes new to the whole thing as am I . I wrote a comment on his ad and said, I’d be looking at the end of the year, as I’m waitng for the depo to wear off and get periods again etc. I really didn’t think I’d get a reply as it seems to far away and there were already comments to him.

I woke up the next day and BOOM..There was a reply from the donor to my email,saying he would be interested to help possibly and wanted to know more about me etc and care to chat. I couldnt believe I got a reply, He told me he had over 10 offers and He only wants to donate twice. I didnt know how my chances would be really..After a few days of chatting and expectations of how it will be done etc,he told me he wanted to help out. It all has fallen into my lap easily so far.So its been 5 weeks since I’ve come off my contraceptive and feeling all the withdrawal symtoms.After being on the depo shot on and off over 10 yrs I havent had a period for 3 years, so now its the waiting process at the moment. I have been reading womens post to help get your body on track so I’ve just started taking a pregnancy tablet to take daily to help me along and get my body ready. And I’ll be booking in to see my doctor to let them know about my future plans and see how everything looks.

So I’ve told some close friends and a few work people my plan and desires of being a mum and how I’m going to do this by a sperm donor. Alot have been positive and supportive,I have a great friend network around me, but there has been a couple who have there own veiws, some are set in old school ways thinking you have to be married and be 2 parents to have a baby,some are weirded out with the way I’m going to do this with someone I don’t know or just seeing if I’m ready for this journey? I think some also forget how old I actually am?

The reason why I chose to do it this way via a donor is because my child will have the name of the person who helped me create them,not just from a lab where you get very limited information on doners. I also will be going to meet the donor soon and catch up and make sure he’s the right fit and has the same intentions as I do. I have a friend who will come and give me there advice too. Soo thats everything in the works and is up to date as of now, so I will post when I have updates and journey progress.

I really just wanted to do a blog to help not only myself but also women in the same positon,where there single and wanting to be a mum and are gonna do it on there own via sperm donor and show yes they can do it on there own and do a damn good job.

This will be on my progress and also on life as my days are never to dull

Till next time :) Stay Tuned!

#new blog #doner #intheworks #mylife #my story #30s #single #mumtobe #singlelife #myjourney #2019 #myplan #thisisme #spermdonation

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battlewhiskers · 6 years

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Ah... Soon 2018!

I’m feeling very hopeful for the upcoming year, I have so many plans !

First off I got a big book of food recipes so Im going to start plan weekly what i’ll have for dinner instead of just.. buying what i think i need. Im disgustingly bored of sausages and i hunger for veggies :x Also different variations of food.. like I really want to make a pie or just try out new things! I had my last burger meal for this year, I even plan to cut it off next year.. I know I can’t do that but im going to reduce it to 1 time max per month! Fast food I’ll miss you.. this includes pizza as well. ;;

Also im going to try working one hour extra every day, switching from paid free time and extra paid. I’m going to work more but also have more time off! And for the extra money i make will I pay off loans faster. I have one thats going away this summer and in September will it be exactly 1 year left till my biggest clean-up loan is gone!

Together with this will I slow down my driving (Stay under the speed limit, not be on the speed limit) to push the MPG even further. I’m currently at 43 (0.65L/10km ) and I’m having a 2011 Ford Focus 1.6 EcoBoost 150HP for you curious people :3c I drive about 80 KM daily to work. So selling my old cars surely pushed down my fuel costs, owner cost and pretty much all costs.. Which reduced my anxiety a lot, I used to feel crap every day I drove because my other cars was rather... thirsty (One tuned Alfa and a old diesel Ford)

I live alone again since the summer, or well. I’ve done that before but I’m not way to far away from my family nowadays. Broke my wallet last month to first then buy some furnitures and make it less empty and awful looking home. Sure, its still messy home because im disgusting (actually no im not, but i had it rather rough before) but im working on making it better for myself.

Less anxiety from being in this apartment, less anxiety from having driving costs and less anxiety for having less things to pay off! Going to be less anxiety for not spending too much at food either, yum! (Less waste of food and BIGGER healthier meals!!!)

I think 2017 went pretty well otherwise! I started the year with a new accepting job, feels good that most people there knows im a transwoman. Even better since I have a coworker thats very supportive and correct himself every time he misgender me. I plan to pick up the fight with others when I get my sleeping and eating schedule more correct, no good idea to fight for your rights when youre tired because then you’ll easily slip up and sound just angry and not helpful. I mean, you are angry and upset for being misgendered but think about it. Do we rather help someone who says “Hey could you do this for me” instead of “Do this you fucking pile of trash” ? I prefer the nice way but hey, eventually you’ll burst ;)

Leaving my deadname behind this year.. Birthday and Xmas went pretty decent TBH, even if my family still use my deadname they didnt write it on any presents So I feel theres more hope of getting my deadname completely out of my life. Plus my super slow and annoying investigation is slowly coming to an end, HORMONES HERE I COME !! Next meeting will I bring my parents to see the doctor I havent met for over a year, guess I’ll give it a month or two before I need to start hunting them myself.. most of the appointments been like “Ok we’ll contact you for next meeting” and they all ended up like “Hello im calling for the 3rd time now its been 3 months why aint i getting any appointments thank you???

So... 2018 More money, more voice training, more free time, more TRAVELLING and more.. taking responsibility to feel better. Im going to trash my anxiety, well I cant but I’m going to do so many things to reduce it so much as possible. Its not possible to completely remove something but I used to be VERY introvert. I’m a mix of both these days, draining a lot of energy to talk with strangers but hey it works. Before I used to swallow my own tears to not cry when just asking my teacher for help. These days I dont have a problem with making phone calls or asking for help at stores. But it took time, about 8 years actually.

And some knows that I bought a tablet recently, I’m going to start drawing again because I need it to.. eventually get satisfied with my drawing skills and push down my perfectionism. Before I compared myself to the artists with 10, 15 years experience and thought i was the most absolutely trash artist ever existing and I would never learn to draw blabla. But hey, learning by doing! I’d also like to start writing stories but think that will have to wait.. If I can write long journals like this and I have a rather stuffed mind with too many thoughts sometimes why wouldnt I be able to just put down everything on some paper and write together a story from it?

I also need to thank a bunch of people, who help me stand up for myself, who helped me feeling safe of showing who i am. For giving me, or trying to give me energy to get up again, to never give up of becoming myself. I had many doubts, moments I were close to give up but I didnt, and I still wont.

I love you all, and especially a thing that giva me a huge extra push of energy. ❤

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tbalovely · 5 years

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I guess I’ll tell my story

This has some pretty triggering stuff in it I guess? This is more for my own reflection than anything else, so you don’t have to read it if you don’t absolutely want to.

When I was in High school I suffered with intense binging and purging issues. I couldn’t go a meal without excusing myself either at the end or halfway through to go straight to the bathroom and puke everything up. It was an endless cycle and I still couldn’t ever get to my gw at the time. When I was 17 I was 5 feet tall and I weighed 118 lbs, but, I also naturally had double d breasts. Every time I’d look at my BMI I’d feel sick because I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I had a great body, in hindsight, but at the time I felt like a disgusting whale. And my massive tits didn’t help. I never had a boyfriend and every boy I came into contact with showed no interest in me at all. Every boy. So I would keep going back to the mirror. I was too fat. I was too wide. My breasts were too big. I was disgusting. Finally I met someone online. He said that he liked my size and that if anything I could gain a few lbs. He said he loved me for me and he acted like he was crazy about me. Eventually I moved 900 miles to live with him. He said he’d marry me, but we both lived with our parents so it seemed really inappropriate, so we decided to hold off until we could get a place of our own. I stopped purging. I stopped starving myself. But I never stopped binging. He wasn’t the healthiest person, either. In fact, his BMI classified him as obese, so it goes without saying that his diet wasn’t in the slightest healthy. But I wasn’t concerned about that because I thought that he was making an effort to lose the weight, or at least to try to lose the weight. I loved him for him, just like he said he loved me for me. So I thought we’d be okay. So, of course, I binged like my life depended on it. I ate when I wasn’t hungry. I ate when I’d just eaten. I ate just because other people were eating. I ate my feelings, because for some reason now that I was living with him he didn’t seem to care about me like he had when I was 900 miles away. He didn’t tell me he loved me as often. He didn’t want to have sex anymore. (And this was all when I was still in the range of about 120-130 lbs.) I felt disgusting again. And even more so now because I’d gained a whopping 90 lbs while living with him. Eventually I moved back home so I could go to college, and he seemed fine with it. My highest weight ever in my whole life was 210 lbs. I feel gross even typing that out. When I came home I cut down my binging, but I didn’t stop. I was now binging at night when everyone had gone to sleep. Ice cream, cookies- I’d scatter out potato chips onto a plate and then drizzle syrup or honey over top of them for that salty/sweet taste. However, I eventually got a breast reduction. In 2017 I had a doctor recommendation, and my back pain was too much for me to handle to the point of not being able to get out of bed because of the immense pain. I went from a double g back down to a double d, but my body was still huge and disgusting.They removed 15 lbs of fat from my chest and after the surgery I had no appetite, so I lost 10 lbs from being unable to eat anything other than oatmeal with my pain meds. So, I had dropped to 185 lbs. After the surgery I felt like a hideous creature. My scars hadn’t healed properly, leaving me looking like some kind of Frankenstein freak show. But at least my boyfriend still loved me. At least there was one person that still thought that I was beautiful no matter what. Right? I had encouraged him to start going to a gym or at least try to lose the weight. Make an effort, ya know? He’d been going for a few weeks when he decided that it’d be a good idea to tell me that some girl that was a regular at the gym had “hit” on him and that he thought that she was “more attractive” than me. “In a basic sense, ya know? She’s more attractive than you in a general sense. She’s just very.. I don’t know. She has a good body, I guess. I mean, she goes to the gym so of course she’s going to be hot.” On our anniversary in December 2018, he told me that he didn’t feel right being in a relationship with me. He said that he needed to fix some things about himself and so therefore he needed to not be in a relationship. With me, specifically. He said that he loved me, but that we had problems that he couldn’t look past. We’d been together for 8 years. So I guess you could call this a relapse. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to my original weight again. I’m 26 now and it’s starting to feel like I won’t be able to get the weight off ever again, but I don’t really care. If going back to Ana can do anything at all, then I’m willing to do it. I’m just so sick of feeling disgusting and fat and worthless and unlovable. I’m sick of being lied to in order to spare my feelings. I don’t want to binge ever again. I hate myself more than I ever have in my entire life. All I want is to finish college and be skinny. I’m not asking for the world here. I started eating low cal on 1/3. My last full meal was an order of grilled nuggets from the kids menu at Chik-fil-A. I think that’s about 150 cal. Since then I haven’t eaten over 500 cal at anytime. I’ve been on a water fast since 1/11 and ketosis has kicked in for me (yay!) My last weigh in was this morning and I’ve dropped to 174 lbs. I really don’t care what anyone has to say to me. I’m going to be skinny by Summer if it kills me. I don’t want to look or feel this way ever fucking again.

#aboutme #anorexia #tw #bulimia

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