#i know i'm not like. i don't make money. but i never spend money. and i clean and help whenever i can

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for saying I'm not rich?

Wait stop hear me out

So the thing is, my father is wealthy. Or at least he made enough money to have two Ferraris and a boat, which to me are the most useless things because why would u spend that money on this when u could spend it on food or commodities but details

When I was young, any time I asked for money or something, he'd make a huge deal about it. He'd make me feel awful, so awful that I just stopped asking for anything at all, starting from my teenage years to my college years, and I survived entire months, living alone during college, with 50 dollars to get by. For groceries and bills. And yes, he was nice enough to pay for my rent (170 dollars back then) but every time I'd be the worst piece of garbage for asking him. Worst thing was, I wanted a job, but he had this delusion that any sort of job that would take me, basically customer service, i wanted was "underneath my daughter" so he legit didn't let me and he'd go to big, big hoops to not allow me to do so

I'd never buy clothes or other necessities: I spent my teenage years just putting together what I got from relatives to make some savings, and I'd survive on that. He'd go splendid on my birthday and christmas, I guess, he'd buy me things, but I came to dread those days because the thought of him spending money -and how he reacted to it- always sent me into a blind panic so yes even though I got nice gifts I was never happy about it and I really really don't like my birthday

So I was always the girl who had two Ferraris to my friends, and they'd always get mad at me when I honestly told them "actually Im not rich" or "I'm sorry I'd rather go to the cheaper place" - because I legit thought i wasn't - and called me an asshole. But This was my father's money and I lived with him, but I rarely saw an actual dollar, everything I bought was with my savings and I spent years and years accumulating it, hoarding it. So I lived in this fancy house, but I'd wear 3 dollar pants and worn shoes because that's what I could afford with my money.

Note that even paying my school fees was a nightmare to me, because my father openly said I was a parasite and screamed at me but whATEVER

So um, my friends always said i was an ass for saying I didn't have any money, when my father was swimming in it. But when u survive on the allowance ur aunt gave u for an entire month, u really don't feel like it? and I always always felt so bad about it, because it felt like they were right and I was an asshole for pretending I don't have money. Except I didn't. I really didn't. That was all his, not mine, and while he did pay school and college flat rent, he was always making sure I knew what a burden I was for it. So yes, I'd still say I was actually not rich - even though I was lucky enough to have someone pay for me.

Anyway yeah AITA for saying I'm not rich? Tbh I really don't know if I can consider myself that, when it's not mine and I've never actually used it, it doesn't feel like it, but some tell me that's my privilege and I guess that could be right

Note: I am a grown adult now, I live on my own, pay my own things and have my job. And he's happy that he doesn't have to pay for me anymore, is baffled by my relationship with money (I don't like spending it ahah), not so much about me not living with him though. (The weird thing is he wants me with him, but not to take care of me which, honestly, valid) I do have a better relationship with him, but we never talk money because I live on minimum wage - ironically enough in costumer service - and he doesn't, so to me spending 60 on groceries is a lot (150 bills destroy me honestly, so winter is a joy) and he always, always mocks me for it. It's weird how he goes around with a Rolex and snuffs me for wearing Primark pants and then people constantly just... Think I have money at all and get mad at me when I say I don't

Anyway yeah AITA for saying I'm not rich? Tbh I really don't know if I can consider myself that if it's not mine, if I've never actually used it, it doesn't feel like it, but some tell me that's my privilege and I guess that could be right

#aita #am i the asshole

[werecreature-addicted]

to the anon asking about the large amount of sex-trafficking/rape prompts/stories/blurbs, im going to try and give you a real answer

one major factor, is shame

it's a largely subconscious thing, the fact people's sexual fantasies lean toward this aggressive often dehumanizing scenarios.

but its something that has been observed in people raised with very strict social expectations regarding sexuality often having rape fantasies, because it is a way to indulge in their sexual feelings without having to admit to them, in a way.

i, personally, am fat and queer. and while never stated outright to my face, the fact that small children have on several occasions began crying while looking at me in the supermarket line, I would also have to assume im not that much of a looker either

any show of desires for intimacy, physical or emotional, has been laughed at. people asked me out as a joke when i was in school, my father's side of the family openly lamented my appearance since I was a child because my only real value to them was continuing the family line, and that's not going to happen if I'm unattractive and fat

the fact is I have been told my entire life that me being wanted was impossible, if anybody desired me they would keep it a secret out of fear of ridicule, and anybody who would be open about it must have a specific fetish or be using me

I want to be wanted, hell there are times I'm desperate to get catcalled, because that proves somebody finds me attractive enough to express that. (even if the reality of it is objectifying and rude) the basis of these sorts of fantasies are often rooted in being seen as so desirable, so wanted, that any and all restraint goes out of the window. (you know that romance trope line that's like, "are you sure? because once we start i don't know if i can stop." same idea) the tendency towards trafficking and sexual slavery are also rooted in this, but with the added bit of "see, somebody wants me so bad they will spend money on me, to own me. they will fuck me in a crowded room without shame because their desire for me isn't something they're ashamed about, i am a prize, and the fact they get to fuck me is something they will gloat about."

one of the major appeal of monsters is that they wouldn't be bogged down by our social expectations, or they would have ones of their own. there is no fear regarding being wanted despite my looks, because the things about myself I have been told make me unattractive, are things that they openly and voraciously desire. Also, for the fat folks in the chat, wanting to be picked up and tossed around by your partner is largely something we can't have, (BMI is bullshit but mine is nearly double what it "should" be) you don't have to worry about that if your partner is an 8+ foot tall creature that can suplex a sedan

so while in reality, me being stocky and fat is seen as something that makes me unattractive, a werewolf would look at me and go "ah, yes, broad as a brick wall and twice as thicc, he can take it in a tumble."

can you see where the overlap occurs?

obviously there are some generalizations and assumptions based on my own biases here, and everybody's got their peculiarities, but these are themes I have seen throughout my many years too many online

I also just think monster fucker spaces are a little more open to taboo kinks. like wanting to fuck a werewolf who could kill you at any second is already weirder than most people want to go. thank you for sharing your perspective anon.

#asks

[marveloustimestwo]

Hii :))) please can I request some general headcanons for platonic tony stark? Sorry I don't have anything specific

Hello :) I'm always happy to do general headcanons for characters, so thanks for sending this in!

Warnings: Yandere themes, talk of Tony's daddy issues

I can see Tony getting attached in a few ways.

The easiest way this could happen is if you were his biological child, especially if you came from his Playboy days and he only found out a few years after you were born.

Tony can admit that he never had a good relationship with his father. The man had always been away for work, and even when he was home, he was cold and affectionless.

So in a case where he suddenly figures out that he has a kid whom he didn't have the chance to meet for several years, he will heavily overcompensate.

He never wants to be like his own dad and the fact that he wasn't around for the first few years will have him scrambling to make up for that.

Of course, the easiest way for Tony to do that initially is with his money. Depending on how old you are, he'll get you gifts that range from toys to books to super fancy computers.

And when he finds out what some of your interests are, you'll have far more than you would need to entertain those interests.

If you're an artist, you'll have all that you could need for your medium, such as incredibly expensive paint sets or the most expensive drawing tablet he could find.

If you enjoy reading, you'll have the most extensive library you could ever need, all right at your fingertips.

And Tony would be especially ecstatic if you were interested in science.

He wouldn't be like his father. Whatever interest you have, he'll be more than happy to learn about it just so he can spend time with you.

All those years without him won't mean much now that he's around all the time.

But if you take after him and are especially smart in science/robotics, you will not have a moment of peace.

He already spends hours in his lab, battling insomnia and nightmares, but you make it better. Now, working isn't just something to distract him, it's also something to bond with you over.

Even if the specific branch of science you're interested in is something he doesn't know yet, he would have no problem learning it.

Tony would happily spend hours in the lab with you, either building things with you or doing his own thing while you worked on your own interests.

The only things that would pull him out of it would be Pepper or Jarvis, who would have to remind him to take care of his own and your physical needs.

In that sort of situation, Tony would not take being separated from you again lightly. If your mother has issues with the way he interacts with you, he would have no problem trying to get full custody.

It would be rather easy considering he's filthy rich, but he'd still rather you have your mother in your life.

Another way I could see him becoming like this is obviously with Pepper.

It'd be like a dampened-down version of the last scenario. He'd want to be better than his father now that he has you, except unlike the previous scenario, he has all the time in the world to do it.

Especially since Pepper can and will keep him in check, so he won't overdo it completely. Tony just sees it as him screwing over his father and showing him that it can be done right.

Thirdly, while I think this is a little more unlikely, you could also be someone younger Tony ends up taking under his wing.

Especially if you're a young hero. If you work around or closely with the Avengers in some way, and he finds out that you're in your teens or early twenties, he will do his best to make sure you don't end up like him.

Tony has a lot of guilt, trauma, and PTSD from being a hero. He can recognize he was extremely arrogant when he was younger, and he didn't take things as seriously as he should have.

If he could save you from all of that, he would in a heartbeat.

Plotonically, Tony will try to do everything he can to make you feel loved. He refuses to be like his father. No matter what, you will know exactly how much he would do for you.

#yandere #yandere marvel #yandere mcu #yandere tony stark #yandere iron man

[misc-obeyme]

I'M ALIVE (BARELY) !! Work is kicking my ass. Also, lots of things went wrong for me this morning, but they all worked out in the end ?? Like I forgot to set my alarm, had to bring my mom's phone to her job bc she forgot it, my bus ended up running late because the doors would get stuck at stops. But I woke up on time, caught the bus after taking the phone, and made it early to work because the bus forgot to take the detour? My luck is insane (thanks Mammon.)

ANYWAY, i can no longer contain my thoughts about Mammon x Solomon x Mc. I'm just imagining my mc and Solomon who are both very curious, and love messing around with potions at purgatory hall, and finding alternatives to rare ingredients. This has definitely gone wrong a bunch of times (most days without a potion incident: 4)

and I'm imagining Mammon tagging along bc he misses mc and is jealous that Sol is taking up their time, but denies all claims - "I'm assigned to protect ya, ain't I?" "From Solomon?" "W-Well, he's a shady sorcerer!"

He sits on the floor by mc's feet, and will fetch them things because he can't say no to them. But he spends so much time listening to them brainstorm, he starts learning and will chime in randomly. Mc and Sol who are stuck on what to add, Mammon drops something in there, and they're both horrified until they realize the potion is perfect now. He just has a little database in his mind of what to add to something, and rare ingredients that the two wish they could get their hands on.

Thinking about Mammon doing a favor for a witch and she tells him to pick anything in her collection since she's low on money. He was about to be angry when he saw an ingredient that they've both been complaining is rare and hard to find. He asks the witch for that and then brings it to the two. He acts all nonchalant about it, trying to brush it off. Mc tackles him, meanwhile Solomon is in awe and staring with a twinkle in his eye.

Now Mammon starts requesting trades with witches, for a lower portion of grimm. Gets ingredients he knows they dream about, because the way mc and sol will get all giddy after he presents them with his earnings makes his stomach flip (he will never admit this)

"This is missing something" Solomon

"Yeah but I can't figure out what" MC

"Have you tried *insert seemingly common ingredient that doesn't work for most things*" Mammon

"But no one uses that, it's why we're always stuck with it" MC

"Couldn't hurt to try. See, watch." Mammon.

"WAIT, MAMMON DON'T- ... IT WORKED!?" Mc/Sol

----

"MAMMON HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THIS, IT ONLY BLOOMS ONCE EVERY 100 YEARS" mc

"Dunno, got it from a random witch. Said she didn't need it. *spent two hours haggling with said witch*"

"...am I in love?" Solomon, reevaluating life

"Eh? What are ya mumbling about? If you're gonna thank me, I want it loud and clear!"

my crack ship <3 they mean everything to me. I caved and hunted down the plushies of them on ebay too. ALSO I GOT TWO OF MY COMMISSIONS BACK AND I'M 😭 they're perfect !!! I'm so so happy with them. Literally the lock screen is beautiful bc it's me and mammon cuddling (HIS MUSCLES CC!! IM DYING) and it looks like it was taken by like asmo or something who walked in to wake us up.

i think I'm also a hopeless romantic, I'm just scared of confronting my feelings lol (you're right in that it is worth it, I just need to figure out how to be brave </3). I throw myself into romance books and fanfics. Vaguely related, thinking about coffee shop au with barista!Mammon and college student!Solomon.

OKAY SORRY IM DONE RAMBLING 😭 HAVE A GOOD DAYYYY

- ✨ anon

Wow that does sound like a crazy morning!! I'm glad it all worked out, though~ Mammon is totally watching out for you!

OKAY but all of that sounds exactly like Mammon! I mean, he's super smart, he just doesn't usually bother to apply himself to anything. So it totally makes sense that he'd just pick up things because he's spending time with MC and Solomon. And then of course he's gonna end up seeing rare ingredients and being like, okay yeah I'm taking that. That all sounds absolutely adorable~

I'm curious about whether or not Solomon and Mammon would make a pact in this situation? I mean, if it's both of them and your MC that are in the relationship, do you think they would? Do you think Solomon would move past his obsession with getting a pact with Lucifer and end up in one with Mammon instead?

I always felt like Solomon doesn't really get Mammon, you know? But that doesn't mean he can't learn. And oh man, Solomon is such a tease and Mammon is so not good at being teased lol. That idea is giving me so many entertaining images, I can't even handle it.

Anyway, I'm totally here for it! It sounds really cute~

I'm so glad you're happy with your comms!!! They sound amazing!

And don't worry, you'll figure it out. I don't know how old you are, but I suspect you have plenty of time! It's a balancing act, you know? It's important to be honest with yourself about your feelings without letting them control you. But it's easier to decide what to do about them if you know what they are. Anyway, not to get all philosophical over here lol. I think the key is to find someone you want to be brave for, you know?

AUGH I love coffee shop aus sooooooo much!!! I was very obsessed with the idea of barista!Mammon for a while, mostly because of a daily chat where he was working at a cafe and then got into a fight with customer. He's good at finances, so I think he could be pretty business minded if he wanted to be. So I was thinking about a situation where he owns his own cafe, but when the customers get rude with one of his fellow baristas, he gets into a fight with them lol. I hadn't really considered who that other barista was, but it could be MC.

Anyway, I could ramble about coffee shop aus all day because I love them aklsdlkfjdfjkl

I hope you have a lovely day/night, too!!

#starting to get on the SoloMams train over here #well I can ship any two characters #because I think everyone is compatible #obey me #obey me nightbringer #obey me mammon #obey me solomon #✨ anon #misc answers

[mellotronmkll]

I spent SO much money this weekend but I want to go to this one restaurant tonight so bad but I can't like I've blown my budget for basically the whole month

#Not having a social life was doing wonders for me financially so actually going out has ruined me #I'm alarmed like I cant try to make too friends too fast cos I can't be spending money like this every wekened again .. #Plus I know if I actually had a real social life I would never make any music <- I already don't ever make any music but #All possibility will.be lost #So thank god I have no more plans for the foreseeable future

[thefirstknife]

Is the Witness cutscene viewable to people who did not pay for access to the season (or will it be post-year)? Like people who only bought the expansion and not the season pass? I know they shove important story and lore info behind timegated paywalls constantly (reason I hate the season model), but that seems like a really especially vital scene I would hope would be viewable in-game by everyone

Right now, it's only a part of the season. Obviously it's available for free online on their official and non-official channels, but in-game it's only for those that have Season of the Deep, for now, since it's a part of this season.

As for the future, honestly no clue. I will assume yes because of one simple fact: you will no longer be able to buy the past seasons when Lightfall year ends. That would mean that only people who bought the season during this year would continue to have access to the cutscene going forward, but no new players would have the same access, which kinda defeats the purpose of having it accessible in the game later.

So I can assume that they might be working on some universally accessible cutscene viewer that will allow all players to see cutscenes from content no longer in the game, regardless of whether they've previously purchased it or not. That's the best scenario because it would mean we'd get all other cutscenes in the game too. The middle scenario is that only the Witness cutscene will be viewable somewhere as part of another mission or some quest, also without having to have purchased Season of the Deep (since you won't be able to once TFS starts: technically you'll be able to purchase Lightfall so maybe it will require you to at least have purchased that, but the season itself will no longer exist).

We'll have to wait for more info on that. As of now, I would assume that once this year is done and the season is no longer purchasable, the cutscene will be a part of content that is available to everyone. While it's still purchasable, it's only in-game for those that bought it, but can be viewed with no problem on their official channel (and elsewhere).

#destiny 2 #ask #season of the deep #i completely understand the frustration of it if you decided to skip this season #i still think that this isn't too big of a deal and would 100% still advise people to skip any content when they're not into it #all of the content will be online #obviously it feels better to play it yourself but at this point we go into a more complex issue of seasons and vaulting #you'd have to pay for this content either way. delivering this whole story in an expansion would've made the expansion too long #which means it would've probably had to have split into even more pieces. putting it into a season relevant to this year makes sense #there's also the longstanding complaint about how seasons used to not really be relevant to the plot that much #especially not relevant to the expansion. people were fairly mad about that. it was a frequent point of critique in the past #but now that they are relevant people are mad again. it's an unwinnable scenario #i don't think anyone will ever be satisfied until destiny is a singleplayer rpg with a book series and an audiodrama #but hey. even then people would have to buy all that stuff. so i really don't know what the solution here is outside of just... #... 'put everything in the same spot and release it all at once for a smaller price'. balancing that is nearly impossible #as it stands destiny is still the live service game with the lowest monthly cost. even with all of the outrage. #the effective monthly sub for an annual pass of the expansion is less than you pay netflix. #that being said. never spend more than you can or more than you need to. seeing content online will always be better than feeling ... #... like you're wasting money. or worse. actually wasting money. nothing in the story really changes if you see it on youtube #i'm a big proponent of not spending money if you're 100% sure you are into something. even if it means missing out #it's an incredibly complex situation that people boil down to somethinig simple and it's just not the case

[im2tired4usernames]

My parents should be fuckin ashamed

#you borrow 80 bucks then can only find me 21 back then i put that 21 into good for your kids then spend the rest of my paycheck getting #diapers pull ups medicine more food for kids and then i fill up the 15 passenger van and then when dad asks why i don't have money to eat #on my lunchbreaks at work like I'm some over spending wild irresponsible bitch when he's the one going to concerts and paying for fancy dat #s and jewelry for his gf and buying groceries for her but you know it's fine #take all my time and energy #so that i literally am a zombie and fall asleep on the very very very limited free time i get #(after doin extra chores to earn said free time) #wo that i fall asleep half way in which isn't fair to my partner and isn't fair to me #take all my income so i cant afford anything #take all my time #take all my energy #YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED YOU GROOMED ME AND MESHED THE FAMILY'S ENTIRE LIFE STYLE FOR ME TO BE LIKE THIS #I CANT MAKE HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS BECAUSE I JUST CAN NOT FUNCTION IF I'M NOT GIVING EVERYTHING TO SOMEONE #IT SUCKS I HATE IT #THEY'LL NEVER ADMIT THEY FUCKED ME OVER #EVER #THEY'LL NEVER DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT OR CHANGE #AND I HAVE NO HOPE FOR ANY CHANGES #MY LITTLE SIBLINGS SEE WHAT I DO FOR THEM AND THEY HUG ME AND TELL ME HOW MUCH THEY LIVE ME #'thank you so much for taking care of us' that tell me all the time 'you do so much for us' #it breaks my heart i wish i could give them the world i love them so much they deserve so much better #my mom lost her chance to be decent my dad better learn soon otherwise all his kids minus his favorite will hate him #i love ny parents #and i know they live me and my siblings #but they groomed me into the most miserable personification of elder daughter syndrome and they should be ashamed for what they've done #and be ashamed that they sucked so bad that they're own child had to step up

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

hey why is trying to book a flight so weird and anxiety-inducing. couldn't they think of my poor nerves.

#the whole online plane ticket purchasing experience is just constantly feeling like I'm gonna mess up one little thing and ruin EVERYTHING #also GOODNESS they manage to tack on a whole lot of random fees for stuff that doesn't seem necessary/it doesn't seem like #I should have to pay extra for??? like??? “75 dollars for extra legroom” well my legs aren't THAT long tbh I think I'll be ok.... #anyway. I got nicer seats for the flight there (they were a little extra but I've never flown before so I wanna see what's going on #and I DON'T wanna be sandwiched between two people I don't know that would be so bad) #and the bottom of the ladder ones for the flight back (but based on the layout they showed me they're still decent seats? #still window seats and not on the VERY last row of the plane. just pretty close to the back.) #anyway!!! I am a few hundred dollars poorer but I am GOING to see Lu in-person again!! and we're getting to spend like half a month togethe #because it was cheaper than a shorter trip!!! I see this as a definite win!!! :D :D #and also I did extra work at the beginning of the year specifically to make extra money to cover this trip so it's ok. it was all planned #for and it worked out just fine. :) #gurt says stuff

[heavenknowsffs]

I had my wattpad moment last night when the drummer of a band i went to shoot looked at me like 3 times in the eyes in between songs (when i was already in the crowd)

#and then at the merch stand too #and i was about to go buy a patch or something just to talk to him #but i had already spent 10€ to get there #and got no money whatsoever to take the photos of any of the bands #and all i got this month was 600€ so :) i cannot afford to spend money for a crush #who left today and that i will never see again bc he's from scotland #you can say this was an easy wattpad moment bc i'm a photographer and i'm there in front of the stage #but listen. 1. it's the drummer - they don't see shit and we don't see them #like you know how HARD IT IS to take pics of a drummer???? they make it on purpose to stay hidden under the set

[pda-blog]

Breakthrough - I think I finally kinda get money. It's taken a lot of hard work to figure it out, but I think the problem was that I fundamentally could not focus on money. Like it made sense, but how it motivated people just made no sense.

But I had a moment of clarity today, that my financial situation is bad(??) And I should probably make more choices that result in me obtaining money.

One problem, fuck it's hard to focus on money. Like I'm happy as can be to make a little budgeting sheet, track my spending, record my savings it's a walk in the park, I fucking love paperwork. But that's not actually Getting Me more money. Even if I write it all out, the problem is that I'm struggling to react to money.

The moment of clarity came to me, when I wrote down all of my little online stores I made over the years in a list. I have a goal of making a certain amount of money this year (I've calculated it and everything). So I made a goal for each online store: how much do I want each store to make this year so I reach my financial goal?

Guess what I wrote down? $5. $10. $50. $100.

I was fucking happy the whole time to just sell One. Thing. A. Year. And that would be a success to me! In my brain that would flip the switch that goes "Yep I made money. Don't need any more!" And I would be satisfied with those amounts and not even THINK about making more.

SO, those whole time working on these online stores, I thought I was setting up something financially stable, because it FELT stable. If I sold a few things in one day and made $10, I was like "hell yeah". But, that doesn't fit with my financial goal. But it seriously felt like it was. I know intellectually this makes no sense because it's simple math, but basically I had a freaky moment where I could tell my perspective was warped somehow. Like, until I wrote it down, I SERIOUSLY thought those stores would make enough money to reach my goal. Because it FELT like they would, everything felt fine! Nothing felt stressful or 'not enough'! I never felt the need for more, even though factually I need more!

That really, REALLY gave me some pause.

It made me realise, "Wait, I am not processing the concept of money like most people... I think"

#Pda #Pathological Demand Avoidance #If u can't tell I live with parents obviously but yeah money is a fucking mind fuck #I've ghosted a bit too many people who want to pay me #And it's like today I could tell in the back of my mind 'Hmm I think I am on the road to poverty' #But only for little glimpses and seconds #I don't think this is a spoilt kid thing. Like. I am trying really really hard to understand #But I think I don't have the same inbuilt reactions to money that most people have... it's just avoid spending and avoid earning #But I'm amazing at investing #I know because I haven't checked it and never will :) #But yeah that's why I did the online stores because I don't have to make the money myself you know #I figure... if I figure this shit out I think I'll be okay. Maybe it's one of those things where I have to trust the process #Like sometimes I follow my own schedule and I'm like “this makes no fucking sense why do I have to get ready 2 hours early” #Lo and behold tho it gets me there on time even tho I don't understand it in the moment (I struggle with processing time) #Maybe money is a bit like that for me #And maybe That's why I'm finding it so hard to even think about having a job point blank #Because it makes zero logical sense to me #Even though it makes logical sense for the situation #In that case I probably shouldn't rely on my own reactions to money in order to fuel money-making behavior #It should probably be automated... like online stores..... 😑 gaaaah

[ghostzzy]

googles ‘how to stop feeling guilty all the time about everything’

#everywhere i turn i feel like i'm failing someone or myself #and every problem that arises out of oversight or neglect (which is a lot of them due to My Whole Deal) feels so huge and complicated. #like. my psychiatrist office sent me an email that if i dont make a followup appt by the end of the week they'll throw my file away. #the hospital from last summer is still sending me bills despite having paid them over 3k at the time #because my insurance is retroactively deciding not to cover things. #and now i've got debt collectors on my ass. #i need to order some things that will Help Me like a mini fridge and light sensitivity glasses #but i burned through so much money already this month and i don't know how to pick good objects so i Haven't. #i haven't called my grandma despite knowing she's going through hell with my grandpa still in rehab #because i haven't felt up to talking. #i don't see my brothers enough. i don't spend enough time with mishka. i don't spend enough time outside. #i don't read enough. i don't clean enough. i don't cook enough. #all because i am Tired. and Ill. and i have to Work for 8 hours a day. #uuruurgghhhhhh. i know if you do things they become done. but i am so overwhelmed and it'd be easier to just lay in the dark til i die. #chronic fatigue is a fucking nightmare from which i can never wake. it's not fucking fair. #izzy.txt

[running-in-the-dark]

over the past few days I've switched from watching lots of cleaning videos (which was good because they made me want to clean - though that effect is still there for now) to sewing videos (which is very very bad because now I want to sew more and get a sewing machine that actually works right (I got mine used for like 50€ and it's very basic and a lot of things just keep breaking/not working (which is probably at least in part because I don't know enough about using it correctly)))

#I'm not good at sewing #I don't know what I'm doing at all #but it's sooo much fun (until my stupid sewing machine breaks and I have to spend the rest of the day figuring that out) #I really want to learn how to make clothes and stuff but I won't even try with this sewing machine #now to be clear it's an alright sewing machine and it mostly works fine if you just want to sew a straight line on thin non-stretchy #fabric and never change the yarn. #*thread (I keep mixing those up because they're the same word in German so it's very confusing) #but anything even slightly more complicated or anything with thicker fabric does not work. I've tried so many needles and settings and #solutions I found online #and it just never works consistently #I'm not spending money to get it fixed professionally. no matter how little it would cost it's not worth it #unfortunately I've already found a beginner computer sewing machine and it's expensive (though much less expensive than I would have #thought) and I don't know if I'll be able to get it anytime soon but I really want it 😔😔😔 #but ugh the thought of not having to thread the needle anymore and not putting the bobbin in in the front and fixing all the problems that #come with that is sooo nice #oh yeah my machine also refuses to work with thicker/stronger thread. I've figured out that it does work most of the time if it's just the #bobbin thread. #but like. I don't want to spend hours learning how to fix this stupid machine all the time! I want to learn how to use it to sew! #so yeah this isn't going to work long term. #ugh my dad's ex (the most awful person I've ever met) was a trained seamstress. damn I should have made her teach me 😔 then she would've #been good for something at least instead of just giving me a bunch of additional trauma 🙃 #(but yay at least it seems like I finally don't associate sewing with her and feel terrified just thinking about it anymore!) #personal

[tafadhali]

Saw a piece of art today that I loved and it is POSSIBLE to get a print but the print is already more expensive than any of my other art, so kind of contemplating buying the far more expensive original just because

#it's textile #so the print just wouldn't have any texture! #and there's part of me that is like....what could possibly be more worth randomly spending money on than art #i have the money in savings #i never spend it on anything #would i actually regret having a piece of art that presumably i'd have for the rest of my life #if i bought the print would i just be full of regret over not having the original? #i don't think i'm actually going to do it #i've been tempted by far less expensive art and not done it #it just really captivated me #and i know exactly where it would live #anyway mom bought pieces by the artist so probably i will just go look at those and repine from time to time #but one day i'm going to pull the trigger on a piece of art that i can technically afford #but that makes up too large a percentage of my net worth

[kenzie-ann27]

would love to stop feeling guilty all the time

#i give myself one hour a day to play games and i stream so it's semi productive but like #any time i hear any noise i have to immediately stop and shut everything off because i just can't be happy #and like. i don't think i've been a completely terrible child #i'm severely anxious and agoraphobic but like. i don't do terrible things #any time i want to sit down and watch a tv show or movie or play a game it's like my mother just fucking hates me #i can't be happy for one hour and shut the world off for a little while #i know i'm not like. i don't make money. but i never spend money. and i clean and help whenever i can #i don't know how anyone in this generation is going to be able to work when all we've grown up seeing is how fucking useless it is #especially in this country. and i know like blah blah american so self centered but like it is hard #it's hard not having health insurance. it's hard getting shit wages. it's hard never having vacation time to fucking live life. #it's hard being scared to death every second i'm out of the house because i don't know what will happen. it's hard. #and i don't try because how could i #no one is trying for me #idk if it's my mom's residual guilt from eight years of catholic school but i shouldn't have to make myself miserable for 90% of my life #to justify being okay with being slightly happy for the other 10% #i make myself miserable as is so like why can't i just enjoy the one thing i have left #:( #anyway

[inkskinned]

at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"

like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.

"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."

... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.

and i'd still keep writing.

i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.

i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley

"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"

and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.

it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.

you create because you're greedy.

#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME #there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing #and the writing is what i need to be doing #writeblr #this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to #edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol #i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!! #my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means #i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her) #hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong #i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet. #i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse #i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!! #i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO #i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness #and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it #im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us #i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer #and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art. #i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work #even if it means being miserable #but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.

[beeseverywhen]

I just think that if someone's paying their rent and they are using the land you rent to them for its intended purpose (growing food and flowers for my households use) what does it fucking matter how they do it. Like please. What is the point. Chill the fuck out

#gardening is one of those hobbies where you meet people you'd never have reason to spend time with otherwise #which is great! i love that i get to meet ppl and have reason to socialise with ppl who are largely of a different generation. #it's interesting to meet people different to you! #but in the same hand. oh my god i have met some of the worst people. and they arent the worst cause they are bad ppl. they are #just oblivious. not everyone gets to have a healthy working body till they hit 60! not everyone has outdoor space at home #not everyone has money to make this an expensive hobby. not everyone has a car to aid them with that hobby. #not everyone has the time and energy to follow stupid rules that serve no purpose. if it isn't hurting anyone do you need to rule against it #on allotments you find 2 types of hobbyists: ppl who like gardening. and ppl who like dictating how other ppl garden #some ppl are honest to god in it for the rules. like. it irritates me to no end cause they put so many ppl off! diversity is good actually #i like seeing someone a few plots over doing something bizarre and inexplicable. tell me more. please. i love that you are doing you #I'm a big believer in knowing every rule and knowing why it's a rule. don't dump shit cause that makes the land unusable #don't damage the soil because that'll have a lasting impact on the next tenant. look after the soil & #don't turn it in to a dustbowl for the same reason #you cant sell shit because we have a legal entitlement to land to grow things for our own use not commercial use. if you use this land for a #different purpose than intended. everyone's entitlement is threatened. they'll say we don't need it and take it away. use it or lose it #you can't have a cow here cause the land isn't big enough to treat that cow fairly. so restrictions on animals are fair #as tbh are restrictions on trees (tho i badly want trees. i want them so bad.) a tree is a commitment. if you don't commit and tend to it #it'll limit space to grow other stuff. as it can shade/ take water from veg beds which can produce more food #limits on what chemicals you can use make sense! I'm not even against the no dog rule. some dog owners are super annoying & cause problems #but some of these rules are for the sake of making up rules. if someone can argue a way they can do something without being a disruption #to others or causing lasting damage. you should be able to say 'oh OK yeah. in this case that's fine'. #its not reasonable to ban stuff cause you don't personally like how it looks. it's not OK to decide someones wrong cause they arent doing it #as you would. you need to accept that ppl are different and not everyone wants to do things in the same way you do them #not everyone's doing them for the same reasons