#i made a lot of food for 4 am... but i ate ... and its been abt an hour so ..

[waitmyturtles]

Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV: Until We Meet Again Edition

[What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far. In a LONG POST, I’m writing today about New Siwaj’s incomparable drama, Until We Meet Again.]

TW: suicide, suicidal ideation, psychological trauma

Gah. I am so psyched to be finally sitting down to write my thoughts on Until We Meet Again, but I’m actually at a bit of a loss on where to start. There is SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

I think, where I can start, is to first say that this was, in my opinion, AN ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR SHOW. I did NOT expect this, at all. I’ve been around the way with New Siwaj, the UWMA screenwriter and director, a few times now for the OGMMTVC -- his writing on Love Sick, his work with Cheewin on Make It Right, and his work on MAME’s novel in Love By Chance have all been on the OGMMTVC list. I know that Between Us, the UMWA WinTeam continuation, was considered mostly a let-down for weak writing, and that New’s more recent shows, including A Boss and a Babe and Double Savage, were viewed quite critically (although I am a Double Savage apologist, for which I’ll explain my viewpoints later in this post). 

So. What I did not expect from 2019′s UWMA was to experience so many layers in a drama à la the work of Aof Noppharnach. Yes, I cannot believe I’m going here, to compare a New Siwaj drama to Aof’s oeuvre, but damn if I will, because good lord, New took his magic hat of tricks, pulled out THE GOOD STUFF, and made it all work. 

This is a list of themes that I saw in UWMA, that will help me structure this long write-up, but by no means should it be considered complete, as I’m sure I’m missing themes that you all likely caught in your watches and re-watches:

1) A new narrative structure for New -- balancing the impact of side couples by leveraging focus, equally, on two MAIN couples 2) The continuation and end of the 2019 trend of reincarnation and spiritual connections to love 3) Intergenerational queer trauma (micro-level) 4) Generational acceptance of queerness (macro-level) 5) Food and its Proustian effect on memory 6) Reflections on filial piety and the devastating effects of expectations -- and how children and parents seek redemption, particularly in New’s work

And before I even dive into THIS list, can I just say: MY GOD, FLUKE AND OHM. And Earth and Kao! But FLUKE AND OHM. Jesus, does New have an eye for talent -- from the Make It Right guys, to Perth and Saint, and then to Fluke and Ohm. I was seriously TAKEN with their chemistry. I did hear from a number of folks during my UWMA live-blogging that they can’t rewatch UWMA because of Fluke/Pharm’s rendition of the blushing maiden trope, but for my tastes -- I think the way he rendered the trope was really necessary to communicating Intouch’s story, history, and emotions, and just -- Fluke just ATE this role, my gawd. And Ohm/Dean responding in kind vis à vis Korn’s regret. YOW. It’s been a few days since I finished the show, in a total RUSH of drama hunger, and I’m still shaking my head and MARVELING at their performance.

Okay, back to the themes list. So, early in my Thai BL journey in the fall of 2022, after I had watched KinnPorsche and The Eclipse as my first two Thai BLs, I watched A Tale of Thousand Stars (way before the OGMMTVC was born), and noted that I appreciated the lack of side couples in the ATOTS storyline. I now realize, through the OGMMTVC, that side couples are both a BL trope and a byproduct of the drama styles from which BLs were born, the ensemble-based dramas like Love Sick, Senior Secret Love, and Kiss/Kiss Me Again.

New’s Make It Right -- while beloved in my heart, for the chaotic duos of TeeFuse and FrameBook -- WAS messy, with all the other couple stuff happening around it. That, along with Love By Chance, made me wonder -- why do BLs that center fabulous dyads with sizzling chemistry take away from that energy with all the side couple action? Even Together With Me, a non-New Siwaj and non-GMMTV drama, got sidelined in part with a VERY questionable side couple plot in BrightFarm.

Reflecting back on KP and The Eclipse, I had that question in mind as I started UWMA, and wondered where the Alex and WinTeam storylines were going to go. But, frankly, I ended up appreciating what NEEDED to happen with DeanPharm and KornIntouch, because -- the original novel storyline clearly demanded that these two couples, who were NOT side couples, but MAIN couples, needed a MAIN spotlight for their collective story to be told. @clairificusrex mentioned in a liveblog comment (THANK YOU, LOVELY HUMAN!) that New Siwaj benefitted in the screenplay from having a wonderful original novel to work with, and while I don’t read Y Series canon, I can only imagine that this was indeed the case.

So, New, in order to hew to the novel, had to perhaps hold back his usual instincts to muss up the main couple vibe, by centering DeanPharm and KornIntouch. With that control necessary to the story -- I think the narrative STRUCTURE of the drama just blew open. It was FASCINATING, it drew me in, and the structure allowed for another New predilection to be leveraged WELL, in his love for flashbacks. @lurkingshan, you mentioned that your taste wasn’t necessarily aligned with New’s fancy for flashbacks, which I totally understand -- I think flashbacks hurt the overall narrative structure of Double Savage earlier this year. But I think, here for UMWA, they were necessary, and I might very well be apologetic to that considering what I DID see in Double Savage by way of the story that New ended up screenwriting over there in regards to intergenerational family trauma (again, more on this later in the post).

This narrative structure lent itself handily to the next four themes on this list, all of which deal in memory, in spiritual roots, and/or in the generational passage and inheritance of trauma and emotion. 2019, as we know now, was a big year for shows themed around Thai spiritual culture and/or reincarnation. We have He’s Coming To Me, we have Dew the Movie -- we have art here, queer-centered art, that does not lend itself to happy endings, that depicts, through reincarnation or, in the case of HCTM, a ghostly purgatory, how DIFFICULT it had been to be comfortably queer and/or openly out in past and present Thailand.

And then UWMA comes along, telling TWO generational stories, intertwined by the red thread, but also, in the words of the WONDERFUL @bengiyo, connected by Korn and Intouch’s intergenerational queer trauma, the most PERFECT coinage of a theme for this show. In 1988, when Korn and Intouch die, they cannot be out. They cannot even be SECRETLY in love. Their bad dads use the foulest of language to describe their love (much like Phop’s dad in Dew). And Korn kills himself, and Intouch follows.

And what we learn, through Dean and Pharm, are the emotions, the regrets, the LEARNED BEHAVIOR that Korn and Intouch have picked up on in the afterlife, embedded in Dean and Pharm, that keeps Korn and Intouch’s love alive, with CORRECTIONS and ADJUSTMENTS made by Dean and Pharm that reflect on how not only Korn and Intouch’s love has changed and improved, but also how Dean and Pharm are learning how to love EACH OTHER, themselves, as they adjust to their OWN belonging to each other, in Pharm’s own words. GAH -- my aching heart. (Thank you to @lurkingshan for talking this through with me early on in my UWMA watch.)

I mean. THE DEPTH OF THIS. Intouch is a terrible cook, and Pharm is like, a restaurant-level chef?! Pharm is so resistant, and Dean is so FORWARD? (OHM THITIWAT, GAH!!!) (Listen. Pharm. P’Deeeean can grab MY butt, okay?) (See what I did there, @lurkingshan and @bengiyo? THANK YOOOOUU.)

And Pharm’s blushing maiden approach. Yes, I will also admit, that sometimes, it was a little cringey. But I think the blushing maiden trope was really necessary to the story -- ESPECIALLY IN THE CONTEXT of Intouch’s anger, ciphered through Pharm in the last episode. And I think that Fluke Natouch ultimately rendered the trope beautifully -- again, especially against the gorgeous ending of the show. Oh, THAT CONDO SCENE, PEOPLE. I LOST IT. 

Of course, Intouch would want to hold back through Pharm in the present day. If Intouch DIDN’T hold back vis à vis Pharm -- he might lose Korn again, if Pharm missteps with Dean. Intouch may have felt that HIS forwardness lent to their troubles -- so Intouch holds back, through Pharm. And Intouch ultimately communicates his love for Korn differently in the afterlife, more hesitantly -- through a resistance to intimacy, and through food and cooking in Pharm, which itself was another amazing move in this show.

Listen. Even my pinned post says what I value in dramas, not just in BLs. You give me food in BL, and I give you my heart. But also, let’s talk about the meaning of food in Asian dramas for a second. It’s no coincidence that MANY Asian dramas and doramas center food, including my favorite BL of all time, Kinou Nani Tabeta/What Did You Eat Yesterday?. If you don’t know Asians, of any ilk -- let me make a BROAD continental and sub-continental judgement. ALL WE THINK ABOUT IS FOOD, lol. While I’m with my family, while I’m working, while I’m writing meta -- I’m thinking about food, I’m thinking about what I want to cook, what I want to order, how I can mix the cuisines I love (Thai-Indian curries, anyone? YUM). Malaysians literally boast about having multiple meals, way past three meals, a day. We Asians are proud of our cuisines, and we want y’all to be EATING, A LOT, and to try all our dishes. (ITSAY, your Hokkien mee is calling me...) 

But, also: FOOD MEANS FAMILY. Let me say it again: FOOD MEANS FAMILY. You FEED the people you LOVE, with delicious food. Shiro and Kenji. Kurosawa and Adachi. The guys in Jack o’Frost. The guys in The Eighth Sense. Omg, even Kinn and Porsche. We’re seeing it in Tokyo In April Is... And Pharm, to Dean, Intouch to Korn.

And BESIDES Intouch/Pharm becoming a great cook, GOD, the story ALSO INCLUDED the Proustian reference of the madeleine and involuntary memory -- but in SUCH a stunning way, as to RECALL DEAN’S FAMILIAL MEMORY of eating his grandmother’s Thai desserts -- his grandmother, Intouch’s sister, and how Dean could get an indirect spotlight into Intouch and a depth of an understanding of Intouch’s happiness besides his love for Korn. And how Pharm EMBODIED that love for Thai desserts through Intouch’s family lineage. Oh, just get me MESSY, PEOPLE. FUCKING GENIUS SHIT. 

Memory on memory on memory. Dream on dream, nightmare on nightmare, tears and red threads, inherited trauma, intergenerational trauma. The micro-level of what Dean and Pharm had to live with on a daily basis in their recollections of Korn and Intouch. The macro-level of what Pharm and Dean experienced when all of their parents accepted them for who they were as queer individuals, and their partners, as well. How Dean’s dad could ACTUALLY RELATE to Dean himself, because Dean’s dad had been rejected by Dean’s mother’s family. And how that ALLOWED Dean’s dad to accept Dean and his choice to be with Pharm. How that trauma was relieved, how Dean and Pharm DID NOT HAVE TO PHYSICALLY RELIVE what Korn and Intouch had gone through, and how those involuntary memories that Dean and Pharm carried vis à vis Korn and Intouch traumatized them until Dean and Pharm could RECEIVE their OWN familial acceptance.

The LAYERS OF THIS SHOW. Before I get to the last theme on my list, I really just need to metaphorically slam my palms on an allegorical table and give New Siwaj a huge hug, because THIS SHIT IS NOT EASY TO PROCESS ALL AT ONCE, and I can’t wait to do a UWMA rewatch to try to catch more (and I’ll likely need to write another meta, ha, when I do that). I mean, again, just to use food as an example of a kind of storytelling TOOL to INDICATE memory, especially in the context of lost and found love, of intergenerational trauma and relieving regret -- BRILLIANT. BRILLIANT.

And. The last theme on the list, the theme of filial piety, of Asian family systems and devotion and loyalty and expectations, and the devastating effects on the micro-individual level (and even the macro-social level as well) that those expectations can have. 

So, I watched Double Savage, screenwritten by New Siwaj, out of order from UWMA. Very quickly, since many of you have likely NOT watched Double Savage because it’s not a BL (but it DID have Ohm Pawat and Perth Tanapon in a hose-off scene -- you can’t take the New Siwaj out of New Siwaj, amirite): Double Savage is about Korn (Ohm P.), a middle son who is branded a jinx by a HORRENDOUS Thai-Chinese father, and how the abuse leveled on Korn by his dad has intergenerational ripple effects across their family and community. 

Let’s break this down. I now know that New Siwaj does bad dads from Thai-Chinese lineage very well. UWMA’s Korn is expected to take over a mafia business. His dad is disapproving that Korn doesn’t want to take over the business -- which is an UNQUESTIONABLE and EMBEDDED expectation in most Asian family lineages (hello, Jeng and Step By Step) -- AND Korn’s dad is ALSO disapproving in Korn’s love for Intouch and vice versa. Separately, Intouch’s dad is disapproving that Intouch is in love with Korn, a mafia scion. 

Modern times are modern for a reason. 1988 was 31 years from 2019. I want to emphasize here the understanding that Korn and Intouch likely had -- that besides running away, there was no other existence for them to be together than to kill themselves and be together in the afterlife. And running away, and still living and existing, would have been a guilt-ridden and dangerous existence, for what Asian children are expected to do and live for vis à vis their parents. Korn likely HAD NO OTHER IMAGINATION for a life that he could live OTHER THAN to take over his father’s business and to be a heteronormative adult in the late 1980s. And, to top that all off, both of their dads were fucking assholes. 

I really liked how this was juxtaposed to the relationship between Dean and his father. Dean was clearly set up to be as stubborn as his dad. Meaning, at least to me -- that Dean was FAR less likely to be told what to do by his dad, that Dean would and maybe COULD, stand up to his dad. We didn’t see it happen, but I could have imagined Dean not accepting “no” for an answer from his dad to accept Pharm. (Makes you think about Pat, Pran, and Ming, no?) Dean had Korn in him. Dean/Korn was NOT GOING TO TAKE THAT SHIT AGAIN, and that was CLEAR. I want to emphasize: THAT’S BIG. That was BIG on New Siwaj and the UWMA novel writer to include that in the story. That’s parental defiance. That needed to happen in order for Dean and Pharm to survive. As an Asian, that gives me a kick of welcome energy.

But I also really want to note what New Siwaj did at the end of the show, something so deft, it might have left non-Asian viewers wondering what was going on. In the condo scene, Dean and Pharm are ciphering Korn and Intouch -- and when Korn’s father shows up in the wheelchair, Korn’s father knows what’s happening.

And Korn apologizes to his dad. Korn had already apologized to Intouch, but Korn also apologizes to his dad, and to his brother, and to his nephew in Sin. This really gets me, y’all, I understand this as an Asian. Korn is APOLOGIZING for the PAIN he caused in his family AND in Intouch, because -- filial piety. He knows what he did to himself was devastating to the Asian family system he was born into, to the Asian society he was born into, and he apologized for the suicide he committed unto himself that caused that extra-social pain. 

Like. As crazy as that sounds, it’s also an INCREDIBLY SOPHISTICATED way to ACKNOWLEDGE that Korn had broached a social boundary, and Intouch had followed him. THAT IS A HELL OF A LAYER TO ADD TO THIS STORY, ONE THAT I DID NOT EXPECT, and that SHOOK ME at the end of this series.

A similar situation happened in Double Savage. Despite the horrendous psychological abuse that Double Savage’s Korn received from his father -- an adult Korn ends up apologizing to his father for the trouble that HE may have caused. Now, what I appreciated about Double Savage was that THAT dad was like -- no, no, *I* should be the one apologizing. BUT, I want to indicate and emphasize here, that BOTH storylines acknowledge that Asian children NEED to know, SHOULD know, ARE BORN TO KNOW, that their actions have collective effects on a wider family system. We are born to understand and think like that. We are not dealing with an individualist Western perspective here. (I literally FLIPPED when I realized that New Siwaj has had MULTIPLE CHARACTERS NAMED KORN APOLOGIZING TO BAD DADS, and I’m an Asian over here UNDERSTANDING WHY, and I’m just like, pfffftt GGGAAAHHHH.)

Why am I harping on this? BECAUSE: vis à vis EVERYTHING ELSE that is lineage-based in this story -- from children being born, to intergenerational trauma, to reincarnation -- UWMA is structured around an über-macro theme of worlds being linked, by threads, by genes, by history, by spirit, by trauma. We are collectively linked. Babies are born -- we saw many babies in this show. Children belong to families. Lovers belong to lovers. Dean PHYSICALLY belongs to Intouch’s family, and Pharm to Korn’s family. A happy existence will be when a family accepts a child’s partner. Happiness is in a family growing, not a family shrinking. Warmth and growth and love happens when a happy family sits at a table and eats together. 

As Pharm says at the end of the show -- oh, my HEART -- “I belong to Dean.” Yes, you do -- because you have become Dean’s family, and Dean has become Pharm’s family. Korn’s family BELONGS to Intouch’s family, and vice versa. They are destined, MEANT to be linked together, AND TO BE FAMILY, ALL TOGETHER.

Kurosawa and Adachi become family in the Cherry Magic movie. WDYEY’s Shiro and Kenji become family by way of living and eating together. Even if BBS’s Ming doesn’t acknowledge Pran -- Pran is Ming’s family. LOVE. MAKES. FAMILY.

What Korn apologized for was the impact his decision had on his family — WHILE HE WAS IN LOVE WITH INTOUCH, WHO KORN’S FAMILY WAS NOT ALLOWING KORN TO MAKE AS KORN’S NEW FAMILY in the 1980s. Korn was able to apologize in the afterlife — BECAUSE Dean and Pharm DID WHAT HE AND INTOUCH COULD NOT DO, by way of generations, by way of family acceptance, by way of inherited trauma and STOPPING that inherited trauma in its tracks -- very much like Pat and Pran banding together and doing the same for themselves. Dean and Pharm did the hard work of making the relationship a real one, in every aspect of their intimate, micro-level family lives, to a public, external existence in the world. Korn could FINALLY experience the release of GUILT he had towards Intouch and towards Korn’s family, now that Korn’s love for Intouch could FINALLY flourish outside the constraints of filial piety through Dean. THIS IS HUGE. I have no words to tell you what the BRILLIANCE of this means to me as an Asian. LOVE MAKES FAMILY, and LOVE THAT IS ALLOWED TO FLOURISH GIVES YOU THE RELEASE TO BE YOUR TRUE SELF. 

Dean had learned from the inherited trauma that he got from Korn that he needed to stop the trauma train in his tracks, and he did, and he confronted his father, and his father blessed the union of Dean and Pharm. When Dean took the gun away from Pharm, and embraced Pharm, Korn and Intouch KNEW that they could finally be safe in the afterlife. Dean and Pharm were the ciphers that finally ALLOWED Korn and Intouch to exist happily together in spirit. Korn, especially, could exist freely, now that he was relieved of his guilt. Dean and Pharm were, LITERALLY, Korn and Intouch’s FAMILY -- the FAMILY that ALLOWED the FINAL RELEASE for Korn and Intouch to be together as their true selves and spirits. 

And Dean and Pharm confirmed that in FRONT of the family member, in Korn’s father, that had originally caused all this pain. The intricate layers, communicated to a primarily Asian audience, of Korn apologizing to his father, and then of Dean embracing Pharm and confirming their love AND Korn and Intouch’s love, in front of that former barrier -- that is GROWTH and FLOURISHING in the face of generational defiance, and about as sophisticated and eloquent a communication of familial transcendence as I could possibly imagine seeing in Asian drama art. WHOA. I’m a little out of breath with this.

Wow. And speaking of being one’s true self: I deeply loved that Dean and Pharm took a three-month break. I loved that Pharm was smart and strong enough to demand a break to understand if DEAN and PHARM -- INDEPENDENT of ANYTHING they had INHERITED from ANYONE -- actually loved each other and belonged together. Fuck. Pharm was like, no -- this one’s on me. I need to see, outside of ANY INFLUENCES, FROM ANYONE, ANYWHERE -- if I love Dean, if Dean loves me, and if we belong together. Brave. Badass.

AND, I truly loved how Korn and Intouch -- DEAN AND PHARM’S FAMILY -- came BACK to Dean and Pharm’s dreams to offer thanks. I loved how, in the end, the past and his family came back to give Pharm that little contextual nudge to say to Pharm, it’s okay to love Dean for Dean, AND to love how you two came together, through Korn and Intouch. And Pharm could acknowledge, finally, that he belonged to Dean. God damn.

This story was so multilayered, SO complex, SO filled with a respect for love at its highest and most complicated levels. This story was filled with CRITICAL SCRUTINY towards Asian family systems and the trauma that those systems can render. This story was filled with an acknowledgement for the power of LOVE that those same family systems can offer unto children who NEED pillars of love and support (Pharm’s mom and brother, badasses!). 

Y’ALL. I just, I DID NOT KNOW that New Siwaj could DO THIS! I know that UWMA is considered his best show, but like, this is his best show BY A LOT, A LOT. Double Savage, in contrast, had a lot of narrative and structural issues that detracted from the core stories of filial piety that were ultimately very important to tell. 

UWMA did not fall into that trap. It was SMART, it MOVED (FOR SEVENTEEN EPISODES! I SLAMMED THIS SERIES! I could have watched MORE, I cannot believe I’m SAYING THAT!), it was. It was just BRILLIANT. It was an ode to romantic love, to family love, to the power of memory. In 2019, it joined He’s Coming To Me in a burgeoning echelon of cinema-influenced BLs in storytelling, soon to be joined by I Told Sunset About You, ATOTS, and others. It took the sad endings of He’s Coming To Me and Dew the Movie and said -- not today. Today, we will let love LIVE, let QUEER LOVE live, in REAL LIFE, in REAL TIME, and we will not let our lovers live in regret. We will take queer love, we will give queer love FAMILY, and we will give it the HONOR IT DESERVES.

Until We Meet Again is a must-watch of the highest order, and goes on the shortlist of shows that I will refer to as one that makes me proud to be an Asian. It was easily one of the most important shows I’ve watched in this project. All credit to New, Fluke, Ohm, Earth, and Kao for a PHENOMENAL experience -- my heart and mind have been bettered because of this show. 

[FLUKE. AND. OHM. Fluke and Singto coming thru in Shadow the Series? Sign me the FUCK up. Actors on actors. WOW. Did UWMA ever introduce me to another crop of dudes who can fucking tear up a screen. I had SO much fun watching UWMA, whew!

And, yep. I had to follow this up with 2gether, ha. I’m going to spare myself a little pain, if y’all don’t mind, and combine my write-up of 2gether with Still 2gether. I know there’s a lot to be said about the lack of intimacy in 2G, which I can’t wait to dive into, but I can’t help but to also run into another wall of analysis with dear P’Aof’s work in S2G. I’ll make it all work!

After I get myself together with 2gether (HA) -- it’s ITSAY time. I will be planning on watching ITSAY TWICE before writing, as I’m preparing myself to catch EVERYTHING I can before I pen words. Stay tuned.

Status of the list below. As always -- if you have feedback, send it my way!

1) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) (review here) 2) Make It Right (2016) (review here) 3) SOTUS (2016-2017) (review here) 4) Make It Right 2 (2017) (review here) 5) Together With Me (2017) (review here) 6) SOTUS S/Our Skyy x SOTUS (2017-2018) (review here) 7) Love By Chance (2018) (review here) 8) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) (no review) 9) He’s Coming To Me (2019) (review here) 10) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) and Our Skyy x Kiss Me Again (2018) (review here) 11) TharnType (2019-2020) (review here) 12) Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey (BL cuts) (2016 and 2017) (I’m watching this out of order just to get familiar with OffGun before Theory of Love -- will likely not review) 13) Theory of Love (2019) (review here) 14) 3 Will Be Free (2019) (not a BL or an official part of the OGMMTVC watchlist, but an important harbinger of things to come in 2019 and beyond re: Jojo Tichakorn pushing queer content in non-BLs) (review here) 15) Dew the Movie (2019) (review here) 16) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020)  17) 2gether (2020) and Still 2gether (2020) (watching) 18) I Told Sunset About You (2020) 19) YYY (2020, out of chronological order) 20) Manner of Death (2020-2021) (not a true BL, but a MaxTul queer/gay romance set within a genre-based show that likely influenced Not Me and KinnPorsche) 21) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) (review here) 22) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake Of Rewatching Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS 23) Lovely Writer (2021) 24) Last Twilight in Phuket (2021) (the mini-special before IPYTM) 25) I Promised You the Moon (2021) 26) Not Me (2021-2022) 27) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) (thesis here) 28) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) and Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (2023) OGMMTVC Rewatch 29) Secret Crush On You (2022) [watching for Cheewin’s trajectory of studying queer joy from Make It Right (high school), to SCOY (college), to Bed Friend (working adults)] 30) KinnPorsche (2022) (tag here) 31) KinnPorsche (2022) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake of Re-Analyzing the KP Cultural Zeitgeist 32) The Eclipse (2022) (tag here) 33) GAP (2022-2023) (Thailand’s first GL) 34) My School President (2022-2023) and Our Skyy 2 x My School President (2023) 35) Moonlight Chicken (2023) (tag here) 36) Bed Friend (2023) (tag here) (Cheewin’s latest show, depicting a queer joy journey among working adults)]

#until we meet again #until we meet again meta #uwma #uwma meta #ohm thitiwat #fluke natouch #deanpharm #dean x pharm #pharm x dean #kornintouch #korn x intouch #intouch x korn #earthkao #kao noppakao #earth katsamonnat #ohmfluke #new siwaj #double savage #double savage meta #ohm pawat #perth tanapon #ohmperth #turtles catches up with old gmmtv #turtles catches up with thai BLs #turtles catches up with the essential BLs #the old gmmtv challenge #ogmmtvc #asian family systems #asian family dynamics #intergenerational trauma

[cheeseburgersinparadise]

Well, I did have a pretty good stuffing week that's had me reeling like a desperately horny pile of fat since Tuesday.

So the real beginning is Sunday to be honest. One of the bars I work in had an employee party and invited me. It was an open bar and unlimited tacos. So I ate and drank to my heart's content while also not making a public spectacle of myself (even though I really wanted to) that kind of set the stage for the days to come.

I didn't really eat at all on monday during the day and felt not so great from being a bit hungover. But I had to go to work monday night. So I hoofed it into the city to do my job. I work late nights as a karaoke host at a few bars, so I usually dont get home until about 1:30 or 2am. It was monday night but it was also my workweek Friday. So, I had my usual big restauraunt salad at work (its a sizeable buffalo chicken salad) but I was feeling the horngryness brewing. When I got home I was feeling so hungry I made a much bigger dinner than usual. Full tray of chicken thighs, full rice cooker and an abundance of squash. My gf didn't really question it and I ended up eating some very sizeable portions. I stayed up all night so I could take her son to school, and on my way home I decided to get some mcdonalds. I got 4 breakfast sandwiches and a large OJ. Not really that much for me. It was somewhat satisfying but not nearly enough. So I went and bought two quarts of heavy whipping cream and a dozen good old school donut shop donuts. They donuts were huge so I only had 6 of them. And I chugged both quarts. I passed out and woke up in the evening. Now feeling completely ravenous. Like really starting to swing into ultimate feedee mode. My gf and I went out that night. We ate at the bar (They have great chicken wings and street tacos) and then on our way home I decided it was a good idea to get some Carl's Jr. It was nothing too crazy. Just a large Superstar meal with fried zucchini, a shake, and two double jalapeño burgers. That's like a good fill me up meal and not really a stuffing. I was pleased, but not really "satisfied." I had a couple more donuts. Then in the morning I took her son to school and still got another 4 breakfast burgers and OJ. Wednesday, I woke up and we decided to go on an Ikea date. We had been meaning to go cause she had never been, and I wanted some of those meatballs. So we eat our meatballs. We share a plate so we dont spend much. We just wanted a taste. And when we get back in the car she decides to suprise me with weed and all you can eat korrean bbq. Which sends me over the edge. I was so excited. We go get a keef rolled, oil infused ridiculousness joint and head to the restaurant. We smoke in the parking lot and head inside only to find our favorite "couple" friends sitting the restaurant. At this point I am fucking elated. Not only am I going to pig out, I get to do it in front of people. This is like fantasy level stuff, and I am just so excited. Now, these friends are the one who intorduces us to the restaurant. She is a BBW who knows how to eat. He is a really skinny guy... Who also knows how to eat. My gf is midsized and not a big eater, but she can indulge a little sometimes. We blow through probably 4 rounds of meat and sides (with me eating the majority of it) and If youve done the korean bbq experience thats a lot of food. By round five everyone starts tapping out and I have gone into overdrive mode. I'm eating quickly and I've hit that sweet spot of the seemingly never ending gut. By the end it was just me and my BBW friend and everyone was giving me their leftovers. She finally tapped out and I finished the final round on my own. Then still proceeded to eat Mochi ice cream for dessert. I was fucking crazy stuffed. I was almost delirious. Stoned out of my mind and my gut was going crazy. It settled a bit on the way home and I made her stop for a large double guacamole burger from Carl's jr. And then we still stopped at winco to get two more quarts of heavy whipping cream. I ate my fast food and drank my 2 quarts of cream and I was fucking bursting at the seams. I still got mcdonalds the next morning and more heavy cream and a large jamba juice cause I was feeling greedy and extra gluttonous. It was insane. My belly is still bloated. Oof.

Typing it out is crazy cause it does read like a fantasy I've had many times. It was amazing and surreal. I just wish my gf had been as excited about it as I was. 🙃

Oh my goddddd this is so hot

it’s also sounds incredible. I wish I could have seen it 😩

you look absolutely swollen and beached it’s so hot 🥵🥵

#sorry I don’t have better commentary I did weed #chzburger answers #but holy fuck I would have loved to feel how full you were

[itwasthisorthemilitary]

March 18th, 2024

I had such a weird day? So after coming home from the doctors I sat in my bed here and cried for like 30 minutes. And then i was like “suck it up buttercup stop feeling sorry for yourself” and i went to the kitchen to socialize with my parents. We talked for HOURS about politics, my background in art, I learned how to make hojaldras (basically just fried dough), talked to my parents about my family back in the states, lied and said i broke up with a BF to come to Panama (Sorry Shawn 😉). Then at around 2 they were like “vamos” and for the hundredth time since this adventure began, I got into a car not knowing where i was going or for how long.

So i found myself at a beautiful house in Costa Rica. It’s where my mom’s parents, and other siblings still live. My grandmother lost her leg to diabetes so they decided to prick my finger to test my blood to see if the infection was related to diabetes? Rest assured, my blood sugar was normal (incredible considering how much sugar i have here).

Now this deserves its own paragraph.

THE COFFEE. Holy shit. At my real host family, they drink instant coffee and even so it’s not every day. Today, I had 5 cups of black coffee. This family roasts their own beans and honestly after cup five was the closest I’ve ever felt to believing in god. I was also vibrating.

In the house was me, my mom, my aunt, two uncles, the girlfriend of one of my uncles, and my grandparents. All of them are from/live in Costa Rica and even though we were less than 30 minutes over the border, the difference between Panamanians and Costa Ricans is incredible.

One of the aunts, Nana, lives at home and takes care of the grandparents. She’s their home nurse, educated in health care but also specializing in homeopathic remedies. This girl cleaned my feet meticulously. She then made a bath with warm water, saline, and salvia leaves to soak my feet and genuinely it was the best i felt all day. Afterward she rubbed some cream on it, don’t know what, but at this point i didn’t care. I was so grateful to be sitting with this family. I ate fresh pineapple and coconut and spent the day sitting around chatting. I was exhausted, from stress of missing class, battling an infection, and an entire day where I only spoke Spanish (aside from 20 minutes on the phone with Hannah).

As they drove me home around 9:45 we swung by my families restaurant (still in Costa Rica) to pick someone up and sitting there were my 4 supervisors….

They didn’t ask why i was in Costa Rica, standing barefoot in the street as i BEGGED them to let me come to class in the morning. Francisco seemed impressed that i was so adamant on attending and said that I can observe but not necessarily participate because I won’t be able to wear close toed shoes.

My family in Costa Rica says that I am welcome to visit anytime once I get assigned to my site. I get A LOT of bonus point with host families for having no preferences/restrictions from food. There are a lot of complaints about volunteers being picky. Mango hasn’t been an issue because it’s not in season yet. If you’re hungry enough, everything tastes good.

Today made me feel much more confident in my abilities to be at site alone. I saw none of my fellow volunteers all day and I was able to hold my own and make new friends.

[godtears]

The last few days (minus yesterday, I only ate 903 yesterday) I've just barely managed to eat up to 1200 calories and I'm VERY proud of that. And some time last week I managed to just once, for the first time, eat 2000 calories. Which is AMAZING. But it made me feel so sick afterwards, I hated food so much.

I genuinely do not understand HOW you people can eat around 2000 calories a day????????? Do you eat like. Barrels of food? Do you eat things that are like calorie thick somehow? Like. The doctor I saw was like "you should at MINIMUM eat 1500 a day if you can't eat the required 1800-2000" and brother I can't even get that far majority of the days. And if I do get close to 1000 I feel so sick after. Hell, yesterday (Monday) I only ate 903 and I STILL felt sick after. I still feel sick right NOW and it's after midnight (technically Tuesday) and the thought of food feels disgusting. Like. I don't get it. I genuinely don't understand how people are able to eat more than what I can stomach. I feel like what I eat is a normal proper amount, since it makes me feel comfortable. But then I tell people what I've eaten and they're like "Dude wtf are you starving yourself?" and its like no I'm not!!! Why are you saying that!!!

I'm just baffled. I don't know what to do. But like!!! No one fucking believes me!!! Because they look at me and see that I'm fat and assume that I'm lying and that I overeat. That is such a bad problem that one of the doctors I saw gave me a hunger suppressant despite saying OUT LOUD "now I know you undereat BUT" like LADY if I'm UNDEREATING then WHY are you giving me a HUNGER SUPPRESSANT?

I don't know why I'm fat! Okay? I do everything I can to exercise anywhere from 30 minutes to 4 hours a day. That includes walking, carrying things, squats, bends, stretches, dancing, stairs, carrying things ON stairs, etc. I used to do PARKOUR as a kid and would be seen walking and running around and climbing trees for up to 12 FUCKING HOURS.

My diet has always been as healthy as I could make it despite not having a lot of money growing up. We were lucky to have family who grew their own fruits and veggies and would give us some. I only really ate fresh foods. I rarely really ate any junk growing up. I don't really like eating junk all that much now. Majority of my diet is vegetables. I eat small amounts because larger amounts make me sick. Sometimes I can manage bigger amounts, but at a cost.

So like. Why am I fat?! "oh PCOS makes you fat" okay but EVERYONE I've talked to says that even though I have PCOS I can still lose weight with diet and exercise. I took metformin to help with my insulin resistance from my PCOS. And the doctor told me "oh you lost 10 pounds! But you're not gonna lose any more. You're stuck like this forever." but WHY?! The only time I genuinely lost weight was when I would go without eating for 1-2 days at a time. Do I need to do that again? Like fasting? I don't know! I don't understand!

I just feel so miserable being like this. I can't fit into clothes I like. I can't fit into any of my clothes anymore. I can't really buy new clothes easily. No one takes me seriously, especially not doctors. I get harassed. I get stared at. I get judged. I get bullied. I can't do things normal people can. Fuck I'm asthmatic because of second hand smoking but people are blaming it on me being fat and bully me for being asthmatic! I can't be "queer enough" cuz I'm fat. Transphobes use my weight as an excuse to call me an "ugly predatory man". Someone told me that my daughter was going to kill herself because of how fat I was. I black out sometimes and people have brushed it off as being because I'm fat. I live with someone who constantly makes me feel worthless for so many reasons including because I'm fat. I can't live like this anymore.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

[saidtostaine]

DID LISTTTTT ( Feb 18. 2023 )

- been such a long long long longggggggg time since i've done this but i realized how much better this made me feel so i want to do it again

💟 went to work early in the morning and did my usual stuff. cleaned the place before anything else and served some customers etc etc

💟 when i had nothing to do at work, i finished my stats and management assignmenttt, did some religion homework too but didn't finish it ( this is interesting since i didn't expect it to be so easy for me. i thought it would take up a lot of my energy but the flow was very smooth )

💟 after i got off work at around 3 pm, i did 2 loads of hand wash laundry ( IT WAS A LOT ) after a month or so of not doing any. ( it took me 4 hours 💀 but surprisingly i wasn't tired. most likely because i took frequent breaks. i watched wizard liz yt vids on my breaks bcs i love her so much )

💟 i rearranged my clothes cabinetttt. i wanted wanted wanted to do this for a long time now but i didn't seem to have the time nor the energy but now i finally did!!!! i also choose clothes that i will be donating soon since i want to have less things now

💟 i took a short shower, moisturized, and slipped into my fav comfy PJs <33 i always love this part of the day

💟 i ate dinner. AND IT WAS REAL FOOD. i enjoyed it so much, its actually been such a long time since i've eaten proper dinner so this was vv nice :')

💟 i had a massage earlier by this amazing electric massager while i was writing the half of this post. it was so relaxing i could feel my back bones rearranging and turning back to their original places

💟 NOW IM CURRENTLY HEREE writing this post, listening to perfect pair piano cover by sook on yt ( i omly discivered it earkier and ITS AMAZING i immediately fell inlove. check it out ) and so comfy under my sheets with my itadori stuffie and hot choco ☕ after this, im going to watch JJK and go to bed because its another day tomorrow!!! 😌😌

today was very fun and i feel rly good about myself. im so happy i started this again and that i am back to my recovery. everything will be just fine. i hope everyone a happy day always and forever

#did list #<33

[weirdalfemme]

ever since the session at Boston i been like. so depressed. its so hard to even do anything, really ?? like i only ever consistently spoke to Theo because id feel bad much of the time but i feel like SO bad now in general. i really hoped for some sort of help and feel once again left on my own, with no medical professional to truly help me. that 6 hour trip was wasted, and quite frankly humiliating. making my poor mom walk a lot and sit in a car for like 4 or 5 hours straight and unable to walk for days afterward, just to tell me to drink miralax and to give up basically. no sympathy, no even ounce of empathy whatsoever. At one point when i told her i really prefer to eat solids than be stuck drinking heavy protein drinks she said something SO idiotically cold, along the lines of “well i want to be a famous 6 foot tall basketball player” I AM NOT KIDDING THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID. she compared me wanting to live a relatively normal life and, you know, eat food to LIVE, to a meaningless and cruel metaphor. we spent 6 hours in order to travel to her for this. The cruelty is unreal and i really, really needed someone to depend on to help me with this and try to be as healthy as i can be / figure out what is going on. i cried on the way home and didnt understand why no medical professional can help me. she also told me that my condition is ‘stabilized’ which is a lie because i am barely managing it. if it was stable i would not need medical help, and i am so stressed out because it could get much worse than it is right now without help. i ate ONE donut this morning and liquid up my throat made me feel sick so i cant eat anymore, even hours later. That is not stable

#🌈 #vent tw #vent // #🐰.txt #im just. yeah idk what to do at this point #i cant make 100 pounds i tried all year SO hard #the only shed of hope i have is another specialist telehealth next month #idk what he is going to say or do to help me. idek #i just.....want a sympathetic doctor & real help SO bad #i dont wanna keep taking acid reducers its causing polyps in my stomach #i NEED my stomach to speed up a bit and they wont even try me on medicines #like what am i supposed to do????

[this-is-where-i-hide-my-bullshit]

I... struggle to eat on a reg basis. My husband has quiet a few medical issues so I always make sure he eats first. If either of us needs sustenance, its him. I know I need to eat, but I also need to lose weight. I constantly feel like I'm riding the struggle bus. I hate myself for not eating, but I also think it's best he eats over me. He tells me all the time if I ate more regularly I'd lose the weight. But if were on such a tight budget, that he should be the priority. Not to ask am I the asshole, but guess I am. Also, how fucked is this situation?

I can't relate to that exact scenario, but I have had a similar problem of neglecting to take care of myself when in a caretaker role.

A few years ago after I had to leave home I was a live in babysitter for a family members 4 young children, one of which was a newborn, and I'd regularly get so caught up in making sure I got their food ready and making sure they weren't getting into anything they weren't supposed to that I'd completely forget to feed myself. A big part of why I don't want kids is because I can barely take care of myself, and I feel like children deserve more than that. I can still babysit for a little bit here and there, but nothing "live in" ever again.

And your husband is right, of you eat sporadically your body will take it as a sign to store more fat, because fat is an energy source and important for survival, especially when food is scarce.

My weight loss isn't intentional and has been happening slowly over time, and my doctor is worried because if it keeps happening, I'll end up underweight which is dangerous. It's actually healthier to be a bit overweight than underweight, and don't listen to the bmi! The bmi is bullshit and any good doctor will tell you this!

There's a saying I heard a few weeks back, it was something along the lines of "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm, who will take care of them when you're burnt out?"

And have you checked out your local food banks? I live with my grandmother and am unable to work, so all we have is her retirement money and it doesn't get us very far. We go to every food bank we can, and ours mostly gives us chicken, onions and potatoes, which can be made into a wide range of meals. Although do be warned our food bank also gives a lot of pork and beef, so if you have any religious food restrictions that's something to keep in mind. I can't eat beef so we give that to other family members when Grandma doesn't feel like cooking it for herself.

#i don't know what to tag this so please tell me if this needs any tags

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #7 !! 🌷🌸🎀

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ june 5th 2022 ☀️✨🌷 ⊹ɞ

hewwo diary! m was thinking today wasnt gonna go 2 well bcos im regress/agedre on my period/blood moon n m n very much pain but yk what? today wasn so bad as i thought! :D

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

so wha i do today diary ? welllll, i did LOTS n LOTS of work! 📝hehe. today im woke up around 9 ish, went onm phone for lil, then gots out of bed. m had delicious grill cheese for breakfast n then went back upstair. im wanted feel little so i look on tumblr for smol bit n enjoy that, but then i fell asleep on accident!! >_< my bed was too cozy ahhhhhh. am woke up at 1:11, angel numba!!!!! teehee 😋. but im woke up in sweat and it really annoying bcos when iw ent back upstair i was cold, though when i woke up my body warmed up so much dat i smell like sweat )): so tmr i shower so i can b extra fresh for school.

but you know wha. its ok to nap sometime. big me wouldv been big meanie and start pushing me down 😞😠 but the cg voice in me says that its OK to take a nap esp since i am on my period, n plus my mom took one too so i am not a bad exception! i am allowed to rest if i need, rest is healing. im need to give myself slack 2 especially since i basically relapsed ):

and dats crazy progress 2 becos this morning im thought id stay in bed all day cos of my period pain )))): imd ont know if i have endo but on my first few days of m period, my stomach realllyyy hurt (but it not cramps or hangry), and i cant even move my thighs or legs cos of pelvic pain. is very unfortunate ): though guess wah diary, i moved today!!!! i even did yoga!!! i write dat with a silly bunny grin hehe <3 ♪( ´▽｀)

so afta dat i went ahead n went on my laptopie for a lil bit, saw dat sims 4 was working!!!! which made me happs. but im weanted my cc from other computer, m sister one, so didnt play bcos of dat. so den i made mself a todo list n got started!／(^o^)＼ m spent lots time in agedre despite getting work done too so i happy for dat.

am ate some fruit loop, drank glass o watar in my favourit thermos w a straw, (i luv ice watar so much mmm), brush my hair, lotion arm and leg, changed into a white adidas crop top n a black pleated skirt, did sum stretches n yoga, n then got starts on my internship homework!

im finish dat in one hour and then wha relaly got annoying was my art homeworks )): i really, really dont like my teacher. shes really negativ n i feel like her personal life is seeping into her teaching cos she is very very not good at teaching and most of the class can agree that we have no sense of difrection and are mostly teaching ourselv. BUT in anycase it also took long 2 do homeworks for art bcos im didnt know what 2 write for reflection + problem bcos the quesetion didn make sense or the assignment instruction were too wordy n my ocd was really kickin in ))))): im kept going doe. had to finish it!! and u know.. diary?

<3 <3 I DID!!!!! I FINISH MY HOMEWORK AND I AM SO HAPPY ABT IT!!! <3 <3

n den i made lunch for tmr (ham cheese, cheezits, iced tea n granola bar), ate sum more foods, n den got ready for bed alon with prepare outfit for tomorrow! i am going 2 do great tomorrow n its going to go well. i am going to fill out me habit tracker, manifestation, go use lou, n then play sims a lil bits before bed. OH did i mention dat i found unicorn from basement? im had a bag full of my childhood stuffies n i found pink webkinz unicorn!!!! so she been by my side since yesterday along w bear. n during writing reflection 4 art im also lay on bear becos he let me n he loveee cuddle like dat, so im not hurting him. i luv bear lots cos he smell good.

im also organize my spotify playlist littol bit n delete some old screenies so i can organiz seagate more so it can b all clean clean!

thank u diary. unicorn luvs u. bear do too. im will pick myself up. i can do dis. i believe in myself!!! YEAH! WOO!!! 🥳🍭🍬

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

#sfw agere blog #sfw agere #agere #aphrorite.diary #🌸

[mcmahanshields50]

Vietnam - A Mosaic Of Diverse Cultures, Landscapes And Adventures

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#Top Ninh Bình AZ #Ninh Binh

[skinny2mebones2u]

day 2: 4’11; no im short and aside from being big backed in my eating habits, being so short means every pound shows bc it has nowhere to go

day 3: my thinspiration is tarayummy, shes around my height and my genuine dream body

day 4: my greatest fears about weight loss is saggy skin and my hair falling out

day 5: i am tired of looking how i look and id love to have the confidence to approach life and not be so afraid of intimacy due to the way that i look

day 6: yes and its emotional sometimes but sometimes i just like what im eating so i eat a lot

day 7: yes bc my mom is too and shes supportive but wouldnt be of my chosen methods

day 8: i walk to class and around campus monday-friday (hence why i gained all the weight back and am now active on this account again)

day 9: people have made various negative comments throughout my lifetime

day 10: i havent really given anything up except eating out i have reduced quite a bit but its only been a few days

day 11: i dont have one bc i feel like its very personal and its curated based on where my attention is at any given day

day 12: i eat like shit point blank period but im trying to fix it

day 13: the not eating out is healthy but the eating once a day is not

day 14: 100 pounds solid bc my dr told me at the age of 10 that id never be 100 pounds

day 15: no and i like meat/fish too much to ever do ir

day 16: i first decided to lose weight in middle school - i did the “eat half of what your served” diet for a while but when i got to high school i was an athlete so i ate a lot and didnt gain but then covid fucked that up and post covid i lost 30 pounds unhealthily but then i went to college for 4 years and have gained 40! so back to losing we go

day 17: i have binge eating and “disordered eating” in terms of rexi

day 18: chinese food and burgers

[fromthedeskofmuffin]

Lost: Cat, Gem in Forehead, Chapter 2

Chapter 1 Chapter 3 Chapter 4

Prithani was staring into space over his breakfast, his tail swishing back and forth as he hummed his strange melody.

The smell of chaiee forecasted Maya's entrance into the dining room where he sat. She set two mugs of the spiced black tea on the table, then took a seat across from Prithani. After watching him for a while, she spoke up. "What is the matter, Prithani? You haven't touched your food."

Prithani stopped humming, and was silent for a moment. "Maya, what happens if my memories never come back?" The question sounded more curious than worried. He still stared into space, his face unreadable.

Maya sighed, but not unkindly. It had been a week since she had found him in the desert, half dead and delirious. Since then, he was recovering well, and able to eat solid food without trouble. She had made the mistake of just giving him the bowl of rice without thinking, the first time she gave him food. After one bite, he ate so quickly that he ended up with a stomachache for half the day. She forced him to eat slower after that. It was heartening to see strength return to the boy, though his memory trouble was vexing. Maya had never seen anything like it, but it wasn't something that she couldn't handle. "Then you will make new ones, mera baccha. They are no less important because they are new."

This didn't seem to satisfy him, but now his eyes focused on hers. "But I will not know where I came from, or who I knew. I probably have parents, as well."

Maya nodded. "Yes, this is true. I am sorry that I cannot help you find them. Your clothes, when I found you, were better suited for rags, so I could not tell what nome you would have come from. However, if you cannot remember where you come from, you can come from anywhere. You could come from here, should you wish. You will come to know new people, and they can become as dear as anyone may have been in your past. You will find that you cannot miss those you do not know."

Prithani thought about this. "You said I can come from here? Do you mean I can stay with you?"

"Of course, Prithani. I have the means to take care of the both of us, and it would be heartless to turn you out into the desert. Where would you go? It would be unnecessarily cruel. Perhaps someday you will remember, perhaps not. For now, you may come from here. I will take care of you." Maya sipped at her tea. "Now eat your breakfast."

That seemed to do the trick. Prithani ate his breakfast without further comment. Such a strange boy, Maya thought as she watched him over her tea. Perhaps he was still getting over his ordeal in the desert, but he was the quietest teenager she had ever met, save for the humming. And his tail... It never stopped its pendulum like movement. Just like the humming, he wouldn't realize he was doing it until you brought it up to him. Even then, it would only stop for a minute until his mind moved on to something else, and both would begin anew. It gave her the impression that he was constantly agitated about something, but he was always so calm. Unreadable. Hmm. Not yet. Figure him out first, then, maybe. If we can control his humming.

As Prithani ate, he thought about what Maya had said. It still wasn't completely satisfying to him. She had told him that he looked to be about thirteen or fourteen, and that was a lot of years to forget. Then a thought occurred to him--the humming began again, and Prithani didn't hear Maya sigh to herself--what if there wasn't anyone to remember? He woke up injured in the middle of the desert, what kind of life would he have had to have ended up in that position? It couldn't have been a good one. Maybe this life would be better, and he was getting a second chance. He smiled to himself. Maya was right, there was no use worrying. Besides, he liked the name she gave him. Prithani. Prit-tahn-ee. It just felt right, and he liked how it sounded when she said it.

Maya waited for Prithani to finish eating before she spoke. "What do you remember of your time in the desert?"

The question surprised him. "What?"

She repeated the question. Prithani's brow furrowed. "Do I have to tell you?" he asked.

"No, mera baccha." Maya shook her head, "But I would like to know. Currently, it is all of your life up to now."

Prithani was silent while he thought. "Okay. Can I have more tea please?"

"Of course." Maya stood, and took Prithani's empty mug and plate. She smiled at him as she left the room, and soon Prithani heard the clink of glassware.

He stared at the ceiling. The desert. He could remember some of it. He could remember the music. There didn't seem like much else he could tell Maya, besides a lot of walking. Should he even tell her about the music? What if she thought he was crazy? His face stretched into a grimace, and his tail began to twitch in real agitation. But Maya was trustworthy. She said he could come from here. She gave him nice clothes that fit well. He had thought it was strange that there were already so many in the wardrobe, but was too grateful to ask why. She had saved him.

Maya returned with the tea, and set Prithani's mug in front of him. He didn't notice until she touched his paw with her own. "Your tea, Prithani," she told him.

He started, blinking and looking at Maya, and then at the tea. He relaxed. "Thank you," he said. His tail stopped its more erratic twitching, and returned to its metronomic swing as he took a long drink.

Maya sat down across from Prithani again, and eyed him coolly. "Do you think you are ready to tell me?"

Prithani hesitated, then nodded. "I think so." he said.

There was a pause as he tried to put everything in a coherent way, and then he told her. About waking up, and seeing the stars above him, about deciding which way to go, and the water skin. How it felt when he finally ran out of water, and how disgusting the muddy ground water had been. How the wind hurt. Then he told her about the music. How, after two days with no water, he heard the music, and how it drove him onwards. The Sun, as it played searing, harsh melodies that attacked his mind. The Moon, its' tone ethereal, and haunting. The sand beneath would make harmonies with the celestial bodies, and between them he was filled like an empty vessel. And then, he told Maya, there was a night with no moon. The stars themselves sang to him, louder than anything he had heard before, and drove the melodies of the Sun and the Moon from his body. The song of the stars filled him, then, and he... he... Prithani stopped talking. Maya's face was a mask of concern, and... was it fear?. 

"What happened?" she asked.

Prithani shook his head. "I... I think that is when I fell. Maybe. I do not remember anything else until I woke up in your house."

Maya looked thoughtful, she hadn't expected this. The mirages, yes, voices, certainly. People got lost in the desert all the time. Not everyone survives, but those that do, often share stories like that, but... not music. She looked Prithani in the eye. "Do you think that is what you have been humming?" she asked.

Prithani was embarassed. He looked away, and his ears flattened. He shouldn't have told her. "Maybe. I don't know. You always have to tell me I am humming. I do not notice until then."

"It is okay, Prithani," Maya cooed, "Thank you for telling me."

He looked at Maya again. She was giving him a warm smile, and he felt himself relax. He couldn't see the way her tail flicked and twitched behind her. He nodded. "Can I rest now, Maya?" he asked.

"Of course," Maya said, nodding to the boy, "call for me if you need anything."

Prithani nodded as he stood up, and made his way into the bedroom. He left the door open a crack.

At the dining table, Maya sipped at her own tea. She had let it get cold as Prithani told his story. Well, she thought, that explained the humming. It still worried her, but she knew she would take care of him anyways. For as long as he needed her.

#creative writing #writers on tumblr #prithani the wanderer

[ncytiri]

happy ranting below!!!

random but i think another reason why i have been less active on tumblr/on the internet in general is because i finally got prescribed zoloft after a bad anxiety attack (the first one i really recognized as an anxiety attack even though looking back, i have had multiple smaller ones) in january and after going to the doctor for the first time in like... 3 years (bad i know 😭), i told him about the anxiety attack and how i think i have been dealing with it for a few years now (most likely caused by c*vid) so he put me onto the lowest dosage of it, 50 mg.

after about a month, i had a follow up appointment to see if it was working for me and i told him i believe it is working for me, i've been able to go to the market or a restaurant or even going to order something at a local marina here fine when most of the time i would make my dad or mom pick stuff up for me! but then i said, my ultimate test would be going off island for an overnight stay because that is when i would usually experience these attacks (i would wake up the next morning with horrible stomach grumbles and i would need to throw up multiple times throughout the day until we got home. it was BAD 💀 i even threw up a delicious breakfast once in the parking lot of a local casino because i got hit with a bad anxiety attack SDKFLDKSF).

so a few days after that i actually got to go off island with my mom and i knew we would be going back to that breakfast spot and i was HOPING nothing bad would happen but i just kept chilling, i enjoyed my thai food, and went to sleep. woke up the next morning fine! couldn't believe it, then we went to the breakfast spot, i got a yummy ass bacon and cheese omelette with fresh fruit, and i ate it with no problem!!!!! also, i ate more that day than i have in any off island trip i have done since c*vid began which made me so happy 😭

this is basically just me explaining that i am actually experiencing more of the outdoor world than i have in the past 4 years and i am actually so much happier now as a result like wow. i'm changing my eating habits to better fit my lifestyle, i found a new face product that has been helping with a dry nose problem that has been bugging me for the past few months, i finally have a hair routine that makes my hair look pretty!!!! i never would have been able to say any of this this time last year but just a simple boost in my serotonin levels has made me so much more active in my life???? its kinda crazy!

#sorry about this random ass brain dump but i felt i needed to offer some sorta explanation for my comings and goings on here #even tho i dont have to i wanted to!!!! since i love all my mooties on here <33 #anywho i hope u are all doing well <3333 #kayla talks

[crystalisfat]

March 4

Oof, I've been gone for a long time and I wish I could say that I met whatever my goal was but I ended up gaining a lot from stress eating and then couldn't stop. I actually reached my lowest weight at 90lbs during my time away, I got a gym membership but due to my social anxiety, I've been too scared to go. Trying to navigate adult life is also really challenging for me and I've been avoiding a lot of really important things. Anyways, I stress ate my way back up to 115lbs in such a short time span and looking in the mirror litterly just made me feel like a failure and want to binge eat more because "what's the point anyways?". I tried the "normal eating" approach and still binged and purged. I used to only purge on rare occasions and for the past few months it's become more routine and then I would get sick and binge again and at that point I would be too exhausted to purge so none of it really mattered anyways.

I'm no longer in the binge cycle and am back to restricting. The restriction I'm doing at the moment is pretty tame in comparison to what I was doing before so I'm hoping that I can maintain it so that I can gradually transition back into the hardcore stuff. Lol, this is litterly my problem but I get so euphoric when doing more extreme fasting, its just that eventually I have to shut my food brain up or else I won't be able to concentrate on anything else and it would benefit me so much if I used the amount of thoughts based around diet/body image on litterly anything else. I'm very sad about my weight now but I know that eventually I'll lose the weight again and then it will only be a matter of time before I gain it back because I don't have the strength to be consistent long enough. I've been trying to give myself more positive affirmations because reminding myself of what a mess I am has only hurts me but I can only feel good when I'm skinny and even then, I'm still miserable.

I got off this app so that I could really focus on myself without being influenced by what everyone else was doing but I think I'll be back to get my head back where I want it be. The binge cycle that I was just in was probably my worst since before I started losing weight. The binges that I had once I started restricting were not that bad because at the time I was still alternate day fasting so if I binged on an eating day, I would still fast the next day and it would not feel like I was over compensating because I would've fasted anyways. I then started doing OMAD and then 1 meal every 48 hours which honestly felt amazing. My issue is that if I had a bad eating day, it always lead to several bad eating days and I would struggle getting back into the rhythm. This is why alternate fay fasting was so effective for me since I would always be mentally prepared for a fast. I think that adding an extra day of fasting just made it harder for me to wrap my head around the fact that I messed up what was going so perfectly well.

Anyways this is just my long rant that I'm honestly typing because I'm procrastinating on work that I need to get done. I think that after typing all of my thoughts out, I've come to the conclusion to return to my initial fasting routine because it worked for me for a long time. The only reason I stopped was because I read this dieting book which promoted going on long fasting periods and wanted to give it a go.

#bing eddsworld #bingedisorder #bingepurge #tw restrictive ed #tw restriction #low cal restriction #ed not ed sheeran

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary163

2/24-25/2024

saturday - sunday

heard three gunshots just now.

i'm not like freaked out or whatever but i always wonder what's going on with that. i wonder i guess if it's the armed security around all the apartment complexes around here, sounds too far to be ours but near enough to be like, around here. like why do you need to fire 3 times. idk. i just feel like i guess if you're shooting a gun 3 times you're definitely trying to kill somebody, i hope nobody is being killed, especially by random security people. or maybe there doesn't need to be an especially. it's grotesque i guess to act like any death would be better, it's just a travesty in the first place that people think the security is necessary, that is an awful part stuck to all this. i think i'll basically be fine as long as i'm not wandering around at 2 am and stuff, obviously. it's most likely, i guess, just people shooting guns to shoot guns, so it's not a big deal i suppose. it's interesting, i've always been near-ish gunshots basically, but the frequency was like, a couple times a month, it wasn't uncommon but it also wasn't like, crazy, there were a few times where stuff ramped up and i'd see things like shells on my way to the school bus or to college but that didn't really phase me, i guess because more of a picture appeared by morning when i was out walking, i'd see the police cars out there, i knew who was shooting at who basically so it wasn't like, a question of why/what, and when it was at its normal rate, it just wasn't especially interesting i guess, there was more distance + it really did seem like that'd be the rate at which people just shoot randomly. like, oh, i wanna shoot my gun into the air lol, and then they go back inside. since it's closer it just punctuates more i guess, i mean it does that crazy thing where like, there's a vacuum of sound in the echo, it's not so close that it like, actually sounds like 0/nothing, but the echo carries that shape, if you know what i mean. it's also probably because i'm tired from work and stuff, my head hurts, i worked too long today, i wasn't even supposed to i just had to. it doesn't matter though, i am home now. but it's hard to go and work on music rn. i am soo tired and i only ate when i got home today, i woke up at like, 11:30-ish, and i got home and ate at about 10:40, so that's like 11 hours and ten mins of not eating (i worked from 4:30 to 10:16ish). it's kind of good i guess, to me, idk, maybe that's bad or whatever but it's not too bad to me, to not eat a lot, idk, it feels useful, like idk, i do just want to stay skinny. idk. i do eat so it's not like, very bad, it's just intermittent fasting or whatever, honest (not cope i swear not coping (lol)), it's not like that every day, i just use work to do that sometimes, esp since i need to pay to eat there and the food looks disgusting basically. it's like, idk, i kind of like going long without things. i guess it's because of being raised catholic or whatever, you get this thing where you get off on withholding things from yourself and suffering, taking on suffering, that kind of thing.

listening to the problem song now, i am certain that there's something in the low-end that needs to be eq-ed out, this weird resonance, it might be something super specific i need to eq out, if it is, that's good, i thinkk.

anyway i am really tired, i am just sitting here listening to combatwoundedveteran and feeling tired, they really made perfect music, for a certain sort of person. even if my head hurts i can listen to this shit. i just like it that much.

oh, one last thing, about reading, i've gotten to the part of cybernetic hypothesis that's about ways/methods/lines of flight (as the book puts it) that open up possibility, essentially guerilla methods, one hand is the taking pleasure in desire perversely, and then shutting one self up, volunteering nothing, they reference bartleby here with "i would prefer not to," that kind of oscillating, as well as actual references to what wider/more materially aggressive sorts of tactics might be. this kind of all coalescing around the idea that basically many cybernetic apparatuses are geared to, at extremes, manage panic, and so, panic being the nightmare of cybernetic organizing/management, we ought to open ourselves up to panic/fear in some way. i would like to articulate that better/how i read it better, but i'm just so tired. it's hard. but essentially it recalls bataille to me (who they criticize at points in the book (rightfully, as much as i love him, he is wrong in certain ways (even baudrillard has gone here and it's very fascinating))), anyway, it recalls the necessity of horror, or the experience of horror, not even necessarily in its attachment to sacrifice (which is one thing specifically criticized, the idea that sacrifice could/would be this thing that could deliver us/provide an escape from capitalism, this fantasy of pre-capital return, basically (here too is where baudrillard saw issue with bataille)), but horror as an opening up to, sensation of everything, where you absorb so much, you are sent elsewhere, you are taken out of yourself, as the book puts it, the crowd disintegrates in the crowd, we all horrified, we do not withdraw, but we exit, we exit ourselves, and then we exit sociality. here is a convergence with the carnivalesque, where the obscene and grotesque is held at such length to perturb and captivate, a stage where one might engage perversely, and then to shut up, a silence which will not tell on itself, only absorbing or even discarding everything but the intensities surrounding oneself. this is an oscillation, necessarily, sticking oneself to an oscillation of this nature means, among other things, productivity in the regular sense would be impossible, at least in terms of appraisal by our managers/meter/measures.

(there is a level where i wonder about a critique of tiqqun here, i suppose, or maybe a defense from a critique that would accuse them of being squarely reactionary here (i cannot parse what i think, but my sense that what they seek is aligned more w/ the carnivalesque and grotesque (and asking one to not turn away but embrace these rather than to embrace what wipes these away/would seek to absorb the signs/symbols of these things back into itself as defanged and speaking regularly, normalizing in a way so as to force it into discourse w/ the normal/using cybernetic apparatuses of agitation to coax these things into some kind of guilty conscience, shame, whatever) i do not think they are reactionary) i suppose i have come across my answer to this problem here in this aside, already, or at least some of the answer. i am not sure.)

another thing, i guess, is reaching this point, i see why a friend didn't like it, but i think accusing this book of being neo-luddite theory is squarely wrong + idk, she is honestly quite obsessed w/ efficiency as it is laid out in the cybernetic sense. i do like her, but her aspiration is to be a manager, in some way, a manager of flows, thought, and so on. she wants to direct. i suppose one could accuse her of desiring being an apparatus, but i don't think it's squarely true, i think she wants to want to be, is ashamed and ashamed of being ashamed of it, it's a complex, basically, i suppose.

anyway i also read this:

this was quite good, it's hard to articulate my thoughts/what it says, so i will instead talk about what i would like to absorb from it, where its end is quite strong and everything, and leaves much to think over, i think many of the historical insights it offers are the meat, or i guess they obviously are, but they can be approached from so many angles, reused, essentially he puts valuable information there, i hope to remember it. i'm not sure why this is sticking to me, this thought about what i want to learn, it's good i think, but it's also i guess kind of neurotic. i fear, very often, that i am really quite stupid. i would like to not be, i think this is just part of that. anyway, i am very glad will's writing/thinking is something i've been exposed to recently, because he is bringing me back to foucault, who i'd read in the past and learned much from, and now there is more to learn. it's just nice to be reunited i suppose, with the man.

so now i really do have to sleep, sso

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[project-discipline-2024]

Tagaytay Escapade

We traveled to Tagaytay at night, and the cold breeze of the place embraced and welcomed us. I really enjoyed the night because of the weather and also because I was with Arcel.

Despite having dual jobs, we managed to have quality bonding time, strengthening our relationship. We passed by Andoks, which was remarkable on our last trip due to its affordability and delicious taste when we had nothing else to choose from.

The cold weather led us to Serin to find and buy a jacket, and we found one at Penshoppe. My girlfriend chose this one for me, and it suited me well. It's memorable because she chose it for me. Thank you, mahal.

Feeling hungry, we took the bus to Bulalo's Point Restaurant. However, I noticed that the place was not very accommodating, so we tried searching nearby since there were many restaurants to choose from. We attempted to go to E-ways Restaurant, but unfortunately, it was already closed. We ended up at Balinsasayaw, where we did not expect the food to become our favorite. The fried bangus and bulalo were really special, and we ate a lot. The taste of Tsokolate was remarkable to us. We loved it so much!

In the morning, we took a walk and enjoyed the sun. We went to Starbucks and had coffee there, trying to sunbathe and talk to each other about life scenarios. I really admire her idea of always putting God first in whatever you do and not being too proud of yourself because humble people receive good merits in life. She gave an example of her mother's situation, and I appreciate her for sharing this with me. I am reminded to be humble every day and always be grateful for what I am today.

On Sunday afternoon, we went to Gracis and met her Kadiwa friends. We explored the place, exchanged gifts, and enjoyed the activities there. My girlfriend and I tried fishing and ATV, which was a super cool experience as it was our first time together. Thank you for sharing this adventure and introducing me to these people in my life. After that, we went to church to fulfill our duties and had dinner. I'll never forget the restaurant on Bonifacio Drive because of the small serving of food but being super expensive. Never again. After dinner, we made fun of that restaurant. Hahaha, we felt like the craziest people in the world. Lol.

Tagaytay has always held a special place in my heart because this is where we started to strengthen our relationship and get to know each other. Our relationship has become strong, intimate, and peaceful. To Arcel, I always look forward to making memories with you in this place, having hot chocolate, and engaging in meaningful conversations.

Baguio Escapade

At 4 am on January 28, we went to Benguet with one of our closest friends, Joan and Jojo. My girlfriend and I were the ones who planned the trip, and unexpectedly, the couple wanted to join with us, so it became a double date now. Hahahaha. That was super cool, though. Thank you because the two have a car, and our travel to Benguet became easy. It took us a 4-hour drive to get there. We went to Camp John Hay to have breakfast and ended up at Pancake House. The cold weather was up to 14 degrees Celsius and tolerable at that time, but the weather got much colder in the evening, hahaha. After breakfast, we tried to go to Tsokolate de Batirol and experience their famous hot chocolate. A lot of people were there; however, when we tried the drink, the experience was not something amazing because the taste was like beer, lol. Nevertheless, we tried to finish it even though we did not like it much. Hahaha. Outside the restaurant, we experienced the cold breeze of the weather and appreciated the trees and breathing space there. I also loved how we used the camera brought by Ar. I was stunned by how we captured things and people. It felt like something special, to capture moments and make them live forever. How mesmerizing it was.

Benguet has been a place where Mother Nature heals everyone. The stunning mountains, the vegetables, the food, the weather, and the people – that's why I always want to be there and heal each wound that I experience in every war I face. The mountains and trees have been one of my friends whenever I feel tired because I know that God provided these amazing things to help His humans. I always love to connect to nature. With this, we went to Atok to explore the beauty of flower farms. There are lots of kinds of flowers there, and the place was too high to travel and too far from our place. Thank you to Jojo for driving us; he has really good driving skills, indeed! I appreciated the overlooking mountain and flowers. We also bought strawberries as pasalubong for ourselves, lol. We planned to make tanghulu; unfortunately, we did not have enough ingredients to make this. Sad. The whole trip was filled with relaxation and adventure. We went to ALAPO to experience camping at night and grilled enoki pork. The food was amazing, the bonfire was stunning, and the sunrise was a beautiful souvenir we could ever get from that place. I loved our photos there.

We experienced a lot of firsts in our first three days; however, we are not yet ready to make our trip fully on vacation. After Mondays, we're back to work. My girlfriend and I work two jobs, and I am happy to say that we managed it superbly! I was amazed at how my girlfriend worked because she managed it so well, and she did smart work – by focusing on certain hours, and the rest will be rest time. I was amazed by her. Most of the time, she did not work, but her productivity was remarkable, and she finished all her tasks. On the other side, I had to work hard because there were a lot of deadlines and tasks to finish and create pull requests on my plate. I did not want to lose this job since I needed more money, and ironically, because of the burden and weight on my head, on this day, I had planned to leave my second job – but this is all in my head. I just wanted to rant and express it because I cannot manage it anymore. Thank you to my girlfriend for being my sounding board and carrying the burdens in my heart. I wanted to quit at that time and submit my resignation, but I never did. Haha, I tried to convince myself to push harder and find a solution to that problem, and fast forward, the workload in the next month became manageable. Up to this date, I am still with the same company.

Joan and Jojo had to leave in the middle of the week because they said they could not bear the cold weather. My girlfriend and I were the ones who stayed in the Airbnb. We enjoyed each other's company, and I was grateful for her and thankful because she was one of a kind. She helped and comforted me when I struggled to communicate with others and assisted me with my internet connection during my interview with Nelnet. I loved every act she did for me. She cooks our food well, and I appreciate how she takes care of me every single minute. I feel genuine care and love from her. I could say that I am the luckiest man alive. hahaha.

I know most people might be thinking about two people in the same room and sleeping together, and of course, they may engage in premarital sex. However, we respect each other's decisions and adhere to the doctrines of our religion, which prohibit having sex without the blessing of our beloved parents until we are married. I am thankful that she is not like other girls who might seduce their man into having sex. I love how our relationship is going and how we respect each other. I would love to experience this type of bonding with you again soon! Therefore, I conclude that the whole vacation, walking around the city, and helping me when I felt bloated and my tummy hurt after eating on our last day there was wonderful. I don't have anything to say but thank you, Arcel, for giving me the kind of love that I am not sure if I deserve because you are more than enough for me. I love you, and I will take care of you and protect you at all costs, mahal ko.

Good News!

I got my Non-Professional Driver's License.

My girlfriend's Korean Tourist Visa was approved.

I decided to apply to the Korean Embassy for a Tourist Visa, and it was approved!

I applied for the Canadian Student Visa Pathway, and it was approved!

Arcel is now my neighbor, and we enjoy each other's company.

We got our homestay approved on Airbnb.

Better days are coming!

There are a lot of things to be grateful for. I am grateful for having all kinds of support from my family, friends, and girlfriend. I could not imagine a happy life without them. All I can say right now is thank you, God Father, for allowing these events to happen in my life. I know that you have a very good reason that we never know why all this happens. All I can say is to trust you and surrender all to you because, as a human, I cannot do anything without you. Since Day 1, I know you have never forgotten me and always stood by my side, watching me with every decision in my life. Thank you for your guidance and for allowing my faith to grow. I hope for better days ahead, and if struggles are coming my way, I know that you will help and guide me to conquer all of them. Better days are coming! I manifest and pray that Arcel will have an employer in Alberta, Canada, particularly in Calgary by 2025, so she can leave the country to start her 30s. I know God has a plan for each and every one of us, and serving God is one of our purposes. I manifest that from this very day, we will come back to this blog and say that we are meant for Canada, and we will live there and build our own family.

In the upcoming days, I want to make sure to be more disciplined in each aspect of life. Thank you for bringing Arcel into my life because she has guided me to become a better person, and we align with each other to be the best versions of ourselves.

Here are the plans I want to fulfill in the following weeks:

Eat less, move more, eat more proteins, and engage in strength training.

Lose body fat and build muscle.

Improve my spiritual connection and faith with God Father by doing Panata.

Wake up at 6 am and do the routines with my girlfriend.

Read one book per month.

Write a blog consistently.

Socialize with family and friends to boost oxytocin and happy hormones – as humans, we build connections with others.

Travel in nature once in a while.

I hope these activities will strengthen my personal well-being and relationships with others, and I am looking forward to seeing progress little by little.  Super excited for our next trip! See you soon, South Korea!

#good mindset #inspiration #motivation #personal development #personal growth

[nickgerlich]

So Burritoful To Me

Food. It’s something we have to have in order to stay alive. Unless you eat only raw foods, there is always going to be some degree of preparation involved. And if we dine out, there’s the added service element to consider. It’s just that for the last 125 years or so, we have been trying diligently to take a lot of the labor out of the food equation, either ours or the company selling it.

The Automat is one of my favorite restaurant concepts. Basically, it was a huge vending machine. It debuted in Berlin in 1895, and spread to the US in 1902. Imagine your meal sitting in open air for who knows how long, waiting for your selection from a wall-sized array of small doors.

Skip forward to 1953, and TV dinners hit center stage, offering consumers frozen, ready-to-heat meals that could presumably be consumed while the family stared at a screen. Hmmm. That almost sounds like a prediction. The food was nasty—trust me, I ate more than I wish to report, because these were a novelty still in the 1960s—but people ate them up. Because convenience.

Today we see restaurants trying to automate their processes, from French Fry machines to drink dispensers. And now along comes Chipotle, testing its new robot that will assemble burrito bowls and salads.

I suppose it is only fitting that these efforts apply only to digital orders. If you would like to see a human assemble your order, you’ll have to step inside for a F2F experience.

It is understandable why Chipotle and many other fast food outlets would like to automate entree production. Labor shortages are one thing, but so also are cost control measures. Food costs alone clock in between 28% and 35% of revenues, and during prolonged inflation, any place you can save a nickel, it starts to add up. Robots help ensure consistency across every item sold. Speed, too, is another benefit, because robots don’t take breaks or get tired.

It’s just that there are drawbacks. You may get consistency in matters such as serving size, ingredients, and so forth, but a robot probably cannot distinguish between a withered piece of kale that is primarily all stem, from one that is leafy and fresh. The robot can “see,” but it can’t really see like a human can see. So while there may be quantity control, I am not convinced that quality control will be concurrent. It also cannot respond to spontaneous requests for “just a little more tomato, please.”

Then there’s the hefty price tag of these robots. Employees are paid by the hour; robots are purchased with a huge up-front expense. It may take a long while for cost savings to accrue. It’s almost like installing your own wind turbine or rooftop solar array. Sure, your power bills go down, but how long will it take to recover the initial expense?

The current installations at selected Chipotle outlets are the result of the fast-casual chain’s investment in Hyphen, a restaurant automation company. That’s another way of saying that Chipotle will likely experience a quicker than normal ROI than others buying Hyphen’s equipment. For the sake of analogy, Amazon recently invested $4 billion in Anthropic, one of many AI startups. It’s just that Anthropic will then lean on Amazon’s AWS division for cloud computing.

It’s a nice eco-system when you can create it.

According to news reports, Chipotle has two food production stations. The first is front-of-house where employees craft items to a customer’s specifications. The second is back-of-house in the kitchen, where digital orders are assembled. But since two-thirds of digital orders are either a burrito bowl or salad, it just made sense for Chipotle to try to automate those. The partnership with Hyphen is a match made in fast food heaven.

My reluctance is not the result of being a crusty, old curmudgeon, though. I just need to try this once to see if the system can be trusted. Because in my mind, I am seeing 1950s-era TV dinners and turn-of-the-century Automat fare. I want something a little better than that, even if it is a tasty burrito bowl.

Dr “Pick My Kale Carefully” Gerlich

Audio Blog

#marketing #restaurant #Chipotle #robot #Hyphen