#i mean i guess i CAN but. i dont know. i guess i just wish we lived in a world where everyone felt like they were Allowed to enjoy it

[icewindandboringhorror]

a quite simple outfit, trying to use the little blue and white apron thing (which is actually a dress I think, that I just leave un-buttoned in the back and added an apron-like tie to lol)

#self #mori kei #jfashion #NOT really but like.. it's.. adjacent I guess.. forgive me .. I may try using tags again though I kind of got out of the habit ghhj #I need to be... Seen to some degree. I want to start selling clothes and sculptures again to recoup the costs of having to euthanize my cat #and stuff . but that won't be very successful if I have like.. 15 people to sell to lol... #the eternal Hermit Conflict where you hate attention and Being Percieved in general yet in todays capitalist society it is nearly #a necessity to have some form of social network or media presence especially in creative fields. etc. etc. ... kicking screaming wailing #sobbing so on and so forth.. tearfully punching the cold mossy stone walls of my evil wizard tower... #I was also thinking of maybe opening a few sculpture commission slots and maybe Tumblr Blazing that post or something #but.. again.... sobbing crying interacting with the general public oughhf ouuch -500 HP #why can't I just be approached by some wealthy 65 year old woman who is nonsensically infatuated with my art for no #reason and gives me like $10.000 a week for food and art supplies and etc. and I can go fuck off into a cabin in the middle of nowhere #in the uk and just be left alone to work on my projects without even needing to build any form of connections or social presence because I' #already set for life and can just get funding and connections whenever lol.. WHICH not to be ungrateful like obviously I still appreciate #anyone who follows and interacts with my posts. I dont mean it in a 'grrr fuck all of you imbeciles I wish I could delete my blog!!!' or #whatever hhjkjk.. I just mean it more in a like.. I am very socially inept and my mental illness gives me severe social issues so any situ #tion where I'm expected to self promote or network or interact with others generally is nightmarish and stressful for many many reasons #and if I could somehow skip that part and just go straight to being a famous author or somethin.. that would be cool. Which I know EVERYONE #hates networking and stuff but I mean like.. on a level most people could not possibly comprehend.. I am not just an 'introvert'. I am like #doctors declare me incapable of functioning in general society very poor mental health prognosis probably should have a caretaker at #some point type Hermit lol.. ANYWAY ghbhj... alas.. I also feel weird about the sculptures in terms of what to charge for them #and always have which is part of why I stopped selling them. If I charged a fair even like $15 an hour many of them would be like #close to $150+. and nobody is going to pay that for a decoration. that doesn't even factor in like.. supplies or time spent communicating/s #etching the concept (if a commission) etc. etc. I thought it'd be better to just auction them then and let people pay what they want inst #d of a set price but etsy doesnt allow auctions and is it weird to just.. link people to an Art Ebay or something lol.. #AAAANYWAY.. the outfit.. I still love these shoes. they're nice and a little Older Style looking. always into pastel florals too lol #(everything is thrifted as usual. excited about the shirt because it's so puffy! it was in the halloween section though ghjhj.. like when i #s october and they make the special aisle in goodwill for 'Costume' clothes even though theyre all just normal stuff I would wear ghg)

[echo-s-land]

It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care

#vent ig #i wish i could #but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i #wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the #short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent #but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar #and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie #we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant #the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and #'im not even remotely interested by any of you' #its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT #NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up #on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.) #anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point) #am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as #a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened #i hate feeling apathetic #and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them #cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life

[thefrogdalorian]

Having of those moments where I wish to yeet the like button into the sun or maybe make it so there was setting you could turn on so that people can only reblog posts (even better with the minimum requirement of adding at least one tag)!!

It's kind of absurd that one of my fics is getting close to 500 notes while simultaneously being one I've had the least actual human interactions come from. Like...... come on, that's now how it should be AT ALL!

Don't get me wrong, I'm so thrilled people are clearly finding it and I guess enjoying it(??) but just having endless likes without people letting me know what they enjoyed about it or even if they liked it kind of makes me sad. That's not why I want to share my writing here!

I love having those little human connections with others. I don't ever want my writing to feel transactional. I would love to talk to more people about things I've written. It's truly one of the best feelings and I would hate to lose that, the more I write or the more notes my fics get. Please don't be shy!! I get the social anxiety, but there is no reason to be. I am truly just a Din Djarin obsessed loser.

Anyway, whine over. I don't want to focus on the negatives here and I appreciate every single person who has ever left a positive interaction with something I've written. You are truly a light!

#i don't JUST like posts too often #really the only posts i dont reblog but like are to save for later or if it's too personal/explicit #or i guess i have nothing to add and OP has said it all yknow #but if i see some writing or art i love then hell yeah i always force myself to add at least one tag i like just so the artist/author sees #otherwise it feels like a hollow transaction and i really want people to know i appreciate their art more than just pressing a button yknow #and I KNOW it's intimidating at first to interact with others!! TRUST ME i get it and i'm still awful at it #but just one little comment can make someone feel so good about their writing... why wouldn't someone want to try that at least #especially if you enjoyed it!!! even a key smash or a string of emojis!!! #and the death of the tumblr tag is SO SAD because where else am i meant to talk to you lot? #i mean these tags are longer than my actual post and that's the beauty of tumblr #you don't have to perceive me down here but you can if you wish and i love you for that! #and it's a nice way to organise your blog to make it navigable for others #ANYWAY said i was done whining and continued whining down here so there's that LOL but i always want to interact with more people #please do not be afraid of reaching out to me! scroll through my blog for 5 seconds and you'll see what a nerdy loser i am #akdjgds i mean aren't we all here #spud rants #writing #but thanks again to anyone who leaves nice comments im giving you a (consensual) forehead smooch MWAH

[cptnbeefheart]

crazy eyes bc i got sick of having this ITYSL summer lovin’ skit painting on my floor. didn’t really finish it so much as i gave up but thats okay i think. happy new year more details in the tags :]

#my art #ok to rb #:d #used the ‘fuck an1sh kap00r vanta blk 3.0’ paint for the background #(its on a wood surface #i started this at the end of July (i think) right after the new season came out #id been really yearning to get back into acrylic painting again so i thought If i can finish this then that means im capable and also it #will get the scaries out by refamiliarizing myself w the medium #but basically it sat half finished on my floor until dec 27 when i was like you know what im sick of this i need it gone #anyway theres a lot of things i wish id finished on this but i think i just need to move on for my own sake perhaps ill revist it in the #future. I dont think ive ever shared a painting on here but i guess you could call this my style? i think it’s informed by doing mostly #digital painting and not really knowing how to blend. i like acrylics because they dry quickly. i like for my layers to be pretty visible #and shapey. #i think you should leave #itysl #i put it right next to my bed the two tims watch over my sleeping body now

[llitchilitchi]

I just want to thank you for trowing the dnotnap vampire au out on the internet. It has been actually quite develloped and yet not enough, just what was needed to encourage people to create their own ideas around it and I love the concept of snf vampires feeding on Dream, especially with the bloodlust episode

Even if you stop there, which seems what you want to do, it did exactly what it was supposed to do and caught many in this so interesting idea. Thanks for your scenario and drawings, which are always lovely

it was a pleasure<3 thank you for enjoying the AU, the reactions, tags, asks and fics made it some of the loveliest memories I have of this fandom

#asks #vampire menace au #I dont know what to say anon like I legit had to take a step back for a moment after reading this #I dont think I can ever express just how much peoples reactions spurred me on and how happy those fics made me #I just wish I could send them off with a bang and not a whimper #though I guess that just means I am giving those three idiots off to you #yours to write and draw and theorize about for as long as you want to keep them #thank you for reading this silly little series

[skrunksthatwunk]

found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now #sigh.. i dont know. i dont know. #at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him #no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow? #it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my #best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker. #i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time. #but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh #he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him. #im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to #say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more? #just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am #and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him #and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him. #she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on. #she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken #but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him #and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not #like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him? #so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her #and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all #the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess #like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea. #but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

i still dont feel like my life has truly "started" yet cause i'm still developing skills while living at home rn, but im trying new things and learning more about myself too im p sure. i also have some goals around like... trying to socialize and approach others

#kind of wish i could get some kind of skill development out of therapy already cause most sessions are me talking her ear off so far lol #i mean i do appreciate getting that kind of support and it feels good to be reaffirmed by someone who like ... works with that sort of thin #like 'oh my childhood has left a considerable impact that im still feeling the ramifications of today. but im worried that when i talk - #- about that it sounds like i won't let go of the past. plus we all were just children who didnt know better' #and hearing from my therapist like 'i'm in my 40's and stuff from my childhood still affects me too. i was also bullied growing up. you can #- acknowledge that you all were children but what they did was still bad and that you deserved better' #with my family it just felt like i wasn't allowed to process trauma. esp with what happened to my ex. i guess they dont like remembering- #- her and how she treated me but its like. talking about it is me trying to process and move on ...

[sereniv]

i am so fucking sick of the antisimetism coming out of this

god i have so much to say i just cant

zionists dont touch

#like it feels pointless to call people out on insta bc they dont give a shit #i try to stay calm and just inform #people saying this is worse than the holocaust which i guess you can put a number on #but there shouldnt be comparisons just even simply for victims on either side #but to say that you cant ever bring up the Holocaust without bringing up Gaza which! suprise! is antisimetic! #but people dont want to seperate jews from israel. people dont want to know the specifics or anything regarding #its sick that people are hiding behind a fucking genocide to show their gratitude for the fucking holocaust! #and I know nothing comes of my comments to the people im directly replying #but i know its worth writing for those on the fence who are uneducated and jewish ppl #i dontncomment on every thing but its like #i wish i saw more people in the comments calling that out #i wish it didnt feel like i was the only one noticing and i know im not #but im not seeing anyone calling them out and these are comments that have been there for some time #ot like just posted #its just so gross #and not once have i seen arab people in general or palestinians being antisimetic #i mean maybe ive missed some but its always white women #hmm 🤔 #why is that not surprising #palestine

[calamarispider]

.

#did i even matter to you? did i ever? do i still? if you see this #you should let me know. i hate the thought that i was nothing at all #even though you hate me. i dont hate you. i really dont. it just feels bad. you just make me feel bad #and upset. i wish things could have gone better #it was inevitable though. and im being dramatic. theres no way to fix this. no way to resolve things #not that i can think of at least #i just wish i could have *some* resolution. an update or something. maybe im just too curious about things that hurt #you probably just talk shit about me. if you talk about me at all #i cant watch videos i used to love. i cant listen to songs i enjoyed. pages of sketches are nothing but a reminder. #ive experienced worse since. but this is the thing that stuck. probably because i was younger? that would make sense #i dont know if you ever cared about me... not really. did you know #every relationship ive been in. the other person has shut me out. avoidance or forgetfulness or attempts at isolation.... im not sure why #its a pattern though. which means it must have something to do with me. im the unchanging variable.you dislike me.or at least i think you do #so surely you can tell me bluntly? #im speaking to air right now. you wont read this. you have no reason to #calamarispeaks #vent #i guess. its more of a letter to someone who will never respond

[alchemiclee]

I did beta testing for sparkle and really liked using her so I wanted her. I just got so many characters back to back like kafka, e6 dhil, black swan...I wanted them all and glad I got them

well miss sparkle definitely wanted to be stubborn as hell and decided she was actually going to give me up, let me down, run around, and try to desert me.....she made me cry, tried to say goodbye, told a lie and definitely hurt me. and my wallet.

I had to spend money on that fool. she made ME the fool. her ass is so annoying not just in the game but in my pulls too!!!! as expected tbh. I can hear her laughing at me.

#words #hsr #she sent yanqing home first at pretty high pity. i finished everything in the game. and only managed to get to around 30 pity for her #there's not much time left so i had to pay for her 💀 took 78. BUT SHES SUCH A GOOD SUPPORT just wish i can get her lightcone but doubt it #nothing else is as good as that one. but shes still good support especially for my sp hungry e6 dhil #problem is now.....i want acheron AND e6 jingliu lmao. #REMEMBER KIDS: SPEND MONEY WISELY im allowed to spend on this game. im an adult with a job and get $2k back in taxes this year #TREAT YOURSELF. if you can afford it. dont gacha if you cant pay bills or have food. if you can afford it go crazy i guess idk #know when you have a gambling addiction and get help. if you can choose responsibly then you're fine. i gacha responsibly i promise #im just mad its sparkle that took my money instead of spending it on working towards e6 jingliu maybe #i did manage to e6 dhil without spending so i mean. is possible but also keep wanting other characters too fbddbhdhdhd

[todayisafridaynight]

In my head *cough, fantasies* RGG isn't so centered on their need to 'one game only' their villains, and allow the characters they already have to expand and grow beyond those games. (Ryuji-though he came back in Dead Souls, Mine, Aizawa) they do a good job making really compelling, interesting characters and then have to speed run to their demise. It's unfortunate, but I do understand they were operating with 'there might not be another game after this so we don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves' much of the time. Hell I don't even need redemption arcs, just..not having death be the only answer, if that makes sense? Or I just get to attached to the well-done villains. Heh. (chaoszonenate)

noooo it makes me sooo pissed actually just because kiryu (and even ichiban !!) Every Time preaches about people's capabilities to start over and so long as you have a will to go on you can right your wrongs but !!!! these fucks aren't ever given that chance and i'm over it !!!!!!!!!

if no redemption arc for them then at the very least let them go to jail idk- just stop killing them because the game's over

#snap chats #spoilers #because im going to get into spoilers becaUSE EVERY TIME THIS TOPIC'S BROUGHT UP WE KNOW WHAT I GOTTA SAY #AOKI'S DEATH WAS STILL THE DUMBEST AND STUPIDEST SHIT EVER LIKE UGH #aoki's death is LITERALLY like. the primest example of what is wrong with this trope from RGG #like the ending of Y7 could have been so beautiful and good and meaningful had aoki survived #take him to prison and let him start to atone for what he did the RIGHT way #UGH I GET SO MAD CAUSE IT WAS LOOKING SO GOOD TOWARDS THE END AND THEN KUME FUCKIN #CHEKHOV'S FUCKIN KUME I GUESS i hate this game so much #i hate this game because i love it so much BUT the ending the ending is literally the only thing stopping me from adoring Y7 1000% #that and the mirror face moment but like. Fine Whatever i'll look over it if it means joon-gi cancels aoki live on twitter #back to mine tho. cause i mean. We Know Me. i really wish he lived just to see daigo's reaction #like i can't even begin to imagine how daigo would react to learning about everything mine did- what mine was GOING to do too #GOD i really dont know.... i REALLY dont know because daigo's a good man but that's SUCH a big betrayal #i feel like kiryu would've accidentally wing manned for mine though yk what i mean #listen if he's willing to tell daigo mine wouldn't betray him then im sure he'd help daigo understand that like #Ok Mine's Deranged But We Can Fix Him :) like father like son you know GOD theyre idiots but i love them like family #ok im prob gon run out of tags if i keep going i can save all that fr a fanfic idk BYYYYEE

[the-trans-dragon]

Rendered inert by the crushing of fear of doing things with mediocre skills rather than with precise perfection and efficiency -> Rendered inert hesitant by the realization that I am being Very Visibly Autistic by doing things with precise perfection and efficiency -> just accepting that everyone is looking at me and thinking "oh my god, I didn't know we had THAT kind of weirdo in our community. We need to make that kind of person illegal" which *isn't true* but it's way easier to cope with, than trying to to convince myself that most people are neutral and busy being the protagonist of their own lives and not thinking about writing a memoir titled "This Fucker Is Ruining My Life By Existing Near Me: Plotting Their Demise"

Haha sorry that was just gonna be silly and lighthearted but i lost my way and ended up in Brain Troubles Land <3

#sorenhoots #hm :) i was making good progress on my Social Fears until my state nefariously and purposefully wrote bills to make my wellbeing illegal. #god. i dont know why i keep forgetting they do that. like ive watched them do it to...well...people without citizenship. my state is Extra #Passionate about No Immigrants. >:( and i didnt *forget*... its just hard to make coffee or go buy water while actively *remembering* the #manmade horrors beyond my comprehension. and then its like 'you are being paranoid. not everyone in the store is wishing you were dead.' and #like. true! not everyone. but #someone might be. and it might be someone with the power to make it happen. i mean theres at least ONE person like that here. someone #wrote that bill. and okay maybe 80% of people are neutral about me and not actively wanting to illegalize my wellbeing. but *NEUTRAL* #people can be just as deadly. the neutral people wont fight for me. and so i guess i KNOW that 'not everyone in the grocery store feels #self-righteous disgust at my existence' but it feels like it doesnt matter. it feels like things would be the same even if they did. #neutrality feels like...exile. so maybe its just easier to say 'everytime i leave the house- someone makes me feel unsafe and like a plauge #of humanity' than to explain why neutral intentions hurt if they allow my rights to be taken. #pfff. if ONLY i was *just* a plague of humanity. my entire local society would accept me with open arms! theyd publicly shame anyone who #didnt support me! theyd FIGHT laws restricting my capacity to exist! #ugh. cmon brain. theres good stuff in thr world. look. a fucking flower. goddamn. that is a fucking good flower. im so glad to exist at the #same time as flowers. theyre pretty new! fairly recent #especially compared to photosynthesis or multicellular life. thanks for existing little flower.

[carcinized]

i have srsly had irl queer people make fun of me for being queer + liking sports and tell me that is like, not gay or something. like ok just say youre chronically online. womens soccer is the queerest thing i have ever been a part of hands down. also youre an awful person

#tobin talks #ITS ABSURD. HOW CAN YOU BE THAT MEAN #this was when i was 15 so maybe thats why. but like..... its so awful. like 15 yo's always gonna act like that #but come on. lots of us online are older than that. we could be better and NOT teach this behavior to 15 yo's #because you know they learned this shit online. the specific person who did this to me was most active on tumblr. #not even tiktok or twitter this was a tumblr gay. begging you guys to change the culture 😭😭 #this goes for more than just sports obvs its about general pushing stereotypes #which is how you get queer people sacrificing parts of their identity in order to be accepted into the community #as opposed to sacrificing the queer parts of their identity to be accepted into queerphobic communities? #like tell me how thats morally sound. accept ppl as they are and not just for things theyre systemically discriminated for?? #be a nice fucking human being?? #the queer community can tear each other apart lately i wish we would go back to the pure love of it all #bc like for me it is not worth it to be close with most queer people anymore. my friends are mostly all cishet #because guess what even though they dont understand my queer identity at least theyre not assholes about my entire personality otherwise #its so awful Like. can we all agree to not be cliquey #you dont have to be a paletable aesthetic gay. you dont have to be chonrically online and never go outside. you dont have to not drive #you dont have to be bad at math. what other fucking stereotypes are there man #its so fucking stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!! like 'let people enjoy things' goes for all things not just online stuff like this is a two way street #yes non online/gay/neurodivergent people should be kinder about 'cringe' interests. but hey that doesnt mean we get to be dicks to people #with more common interests or like... idk man im talking in circles here. but god when did the lgbtq+ community turn into a clique #do this do that if you dont we'll ignore that part of you or actively make fun of you for it. #STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 #non rebloggable im just ranting here this is not one to rb. but like. ITS SO AWFUL AND MEAN. STOP

[bl00dw1tch]

.

#horse.txt #theres still time for things to get shitty so im going to keep my voice down but. the way things are looking? #lowkey thinkin the Avatar haters are gonna be on the 'wrong side of history' in the future #if it turns out as amazingly as it sounds like it will--bro. its just. oUGH! #i literally Cannot Fucking Fathom how ANYONE can watch these movies and not feel moved. and not feel intrigued. and not Like Them #the flaws are so few are far between and yet deeply threaded into the story enough to almost be ADDRESSED? by the story??? #its a masterpiece. its a masterpiece! #its wishfulfilling and beautiful and heartbreaking and tragic it is at the moment to pinnacle of what storytelling could be #the relationship we can have with these films and this fantasy AND our own real lives can be so so deep if we let it #i dont understand what could bring someone to hate it #i mean i guess i CAN but. i dont know. i guess i just wish we lived in a world where everyone felt like they were Allowed to enjoy it #bc it always seems like the hates comes from a moral stance of 'the movie portrays harmful concepts that we shouldn't watch Ever' #--even if theyre Condemned #im just really excited man. i wish i had more ppl to share this joy with sfdfdygg frgd....

[scarletcomet]

ngl besties but i am not doing so great right now. anyone else not able to function because of constant thoughts of hurting yourself and crushing depression?

#im good dont worry #i don't even know how to feel better #all i do is try to keep myself distracted 100% of the time but that means I can't do things that i need to do #im in a therapy program 25 hours a week #but i don't know what to share during process group because there was no trigger for all of this. i just feel so shitty for no reason #i did a lot of cbt and dbt when i was younger so the skills aren't very useful to me even if i wanted to use them #when i talk to the therapist one on one i just tell her about how i want to kill myself and stuff #i don't even really want to get better because that means that i won't kill myself and have to be alive #but i know that i can't kill myself so i need to get better. i don't want to though. #i feel like no one can help me including myself even if i tried really hard because i just can't stop these thoughts #i can't go on like this. when you feel like this and don't feel safe then you're supposed to go to the emergency room #and they will probably send you to the psych ward. but i was just there and they barely helped me. #i know that i have a bright future ahead of me and i will get my degree next year from a good university in an employable field #i know i have such a good life and a bright future but i don't want it #i feel like a horrible person and so ungrateful for saying that #anyways i guess i just need to keep trying to get through each day even though i don't want to and it's so fucking hard #my suicidal thoughts are actually getting a little better but they are still almost constant and overwhelming #and sometimes i can't help but make suicide plans which i know if concerning but i haven't actually taken any steps towards carrying out #those plans #i just wish that that i could be dead. it would solve all my problems. but my family and ffriends would be sad. #if i can't kill myself and i always feel so bad how do i keep getting through each day? #i don't know how much longer i can live like this. ive already lived longer than i thought i would before i was hospitalized #but if i can't die and i can't feel better then what do i do? i can't function like this or do the things i need to do #and each day it gets harder and harder #i think i need to share some of this shit during process group tomorrow lol #i guess just about feeling stuck and like i'll never feel better and not being sure if i want to get better?

[mrfoox]

Uh you ever.... Feel okay or pretty decent and then you remember your lifes circumstances and then you're at the verge of tears?

#miranda talking shit #Maybe this is too specific but hah yeah ... #I can feel okay and be like ah things are pretty good ! And then i remember how my life 'is' and im close to a breakdown #Trying nit to compare myself to others and so on but like.... Its so hard not to lmao #25 soon and no job havent finished high-school i got no partner (plus i guess a virgin lol) #And all the things i havent done or experienced which is pretty universal? Yeah mmm... Ive lost so much of my time and life to mental #Illness and i cant help but morn that. Like if i didnt have my child trauma id probably have a lot milder anxiety and depression which is #Keeping from doing most things... Id still have my autistic and add struggles but i want to imagine I'd manage to accomplish more if #My dep and anx wasn't this bad bc of my past... I hate how my mentality was wrecked before i even knew how to count to 100 #And sooo many years of my childhood just feeling bad and even suicidal (first time i mentioned wanting to die in my diary i was 10-11...) #Just struggling so many years mentally and since i was so young i couldn't make the connection why i was feeling like it? Like the first #Time i started considering why etc i was already like 16.... I didnt think it was weird to cry every single day as long as i can remember #Now at 25 i am still a crybaby but i do it weekly instead. Its just so ... Weird and sad. You dont understand how serious something was #That happened to you and how it affected you until youre almost an adult... And you start to understand that its not just all on you #Its not just your fault youre struggling so much. Youre not just being lazy and difficult ... God Just wish someone protected me when #It mattered . I know my past could have been worse i could have been treated a lot worse and abused more and still to this day it makes me #Feel iffy or bad to claim i was abused? I mean... I was? But cant help to feel my trauma and experiences is not as serious as others #Like i wasnt sexually abused for example or abused by my parents... And i know many have so i feel its not my ... Right to say anything ? #Like my brothers mentally abused me for years and physically from time to time but it could be so much worse #Idk where im going with this i need to go to my vourses instead im crying in the bathroom like stop #Negative