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#i really want to read it oh sigh
obnoxiousarcade · 8 months
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ohhh this darn book
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yaekiss · 12 days
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꩜ Room Content: No specified character, no smut, fluff, just spending a slow morning together ꩜ A/N: Just had this small scene stuck in my head for a bit so I wrote it down!
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The morning sunlight streams in through the kitchen window and diffuses a soft orange glow to the room. Set in their hands, is your cup, as they busy themselves with preparing your morning beverage of choice. 
Theirs is already done and the matching cup has earlier been set on the table where they usually sit. (They like to make yours second because then it’ll be justtt a little bit closer to the prepared temperature since it doesn’t have to sit out longer.)
Before long it’s done and they set it at your spot at the table. Settling in their seat, they take in the tranquillity of the slow morning. It’s quiet until they hear you making your way down the hallway to sit with them at the table.
“Hey there, did you rest well?” They crane their head over to look as you yawn.
You give a noncommittal hum, sleep still clinging to you.
“Well, hopefully you’ll sleep better tonight,” they say, pushing your cup closer to you.
It’s nice, the two of you starting the day together. Tenderly domestic. And maybe their heart does a little squeeze when they realise how syrupy sweet this all is, how lovely it is to be with you.
Slowly, gradually, the morning languidly ticks by.
And maybe someone has an errand to run, some quick task out of your shared home. The both of you find yourselves at the doorway.
“Love you, see you later,” you give them a chaste kiss on their cheek, smiling.
“Yeah,” their gaze flits over your features, and the corners of their eyes soften, “Yeah, love you too, see you later.”
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exghul · 15 days
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thinking.
#tbd.#hi! im here lurking!#i havent been writing for no other excuse than D.C Doesnt Know What To Do With My Son#ive been chewing on the insides of my brain figuring out simply where i want to take him next#i really cant rely on c.anon for ideas bc LOL! their stories for him suck rn#why is there robo!broose?#why is dami uber loyal to him?#why is r.as a genie attached to n.ika rn? oh right bc she can talk to dead ppl#but apparently cant talk abt it to her /not-developed-relationship/ bf ? about it?#or really anything ?#sighs i wish they'd get more development#like i like her as a character i think she's neat af - and they're doing . alright w dami's severe lack of affection#.... but THAT SAID-#how are we gonna go from kiss @ the end of rob 21 -> some allusion to Theyre Official by dami talking to broose -> present#present being ' theyre a thing !! look at that BOYF and GIRLF ' !!!#:| at least give me some suspense or something jfc#maybe i read too many romance novels lol this romance is DRY ! AF ! WHERES THE SPICE! !!! THE LONGING!!!!! THE PINING!!!!!#de.monfire wouldnt treat me like this#i digress#my point here today: dami's character is in a limbo and its frustrating#so im approaching it from the idea of / let me just uhh . rebuild him from ground 0 and see where the dice roll /#so i have thousands of words offline in hc dumps ...#but when i get to his timeline around 15- it goes stagnant. sure that's where i'd put his t.itans verse but also ?? the c.anon for it SUCKS#i'll only be pulling characters from it & the /idea/ of the plot is good#m.ara deserves more screentime#so does . m.aya.#sighs#dami isnt allowed to have female friends thanks d.c#scrubs my face#i need to give him a Direction and ik i'll be flooded w muse again
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clover-the-awesomest · 5 months
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Hey, buddy. We sure haven’t chatted in a while. Whatcha been up too?
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Comic.
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dreamerlynx · 7 months
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#sigh. puts up the barricades please I do not want to see d.nf on my dash#and again I do have it super filtered#I’m just soooo tired every little thing being HARD LAUNCH HARD LAUNCH until the next thing bc of course that didn’t happen#and life went on as usual#look I get it I’m the minority I’m aroace and easily exhausted by shipping esp real ppl shipping#but it’s times like this I miss the lore fandom bc man the complete focus on platonic dynamics and relationships was so nice#look if they ever actually say they’re dating I guess I’ll eat my words but so far I am not getting the sense that that will ever happen#and so it is extremely annoying to want to follow drm fans and get 90% of One Single Ship#and no sap except as third wheel for said ship#sorry I’m the only one who seems to not care abt George 😭😭 not in a bad way just. he’s fine and funny sometimes I guess but#I Just Don’t Care. and also another thing I need to get off my chest#why do ppl act like George is really shady and passive aggressive and ‘oh he should interact w X person who wronged drm he’d ROAST THEM!’#like huh#George is one of the most Don’t talk about anything be vague be private ppl ever#I’m not saying he hasn’t had his moments of public support for drm but I just don’t get it#(it’s probably because he’s so vague and noncommittal that fans can just project their own feelings onto him)#sigh anyway I’m done that makes me feel better a bit#no tags just venting#<- it’s funny that became my venting tag now that I only vent in tags#bc some things such as this I am afraid to even put under read more lol
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seventh-district · 6 months
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it’s finally getting cold enough that i can bring my cardigan collection back into rotation without feeling like i’m gonna melt into a puddle the second i step outside!!!
#Seven.txt#my face#i have rematerialized back out of the void to once again make my once-in-a-blue-moon selfie & life update post#i’m running on 4 hours of restless sleep and the single banana i ate for lunch earlier today. let’s do this#hrrrrg i hate the lighting in my bathroom but i refuse to take pictures in the absolute Mental Illness Disaster Zone™️ that is my bedroom#anyways. got diagnosed with Mystery Pain Syndrome at the dentist today. so now i take ✨steroids✨#the less funny explanation is that my tooth still hurts with pressure nearly a month post-root canal and That’s Not Good#so we’re trying some new medications to see if that fixes it. and if not then who knows. root canal pt.2 the sequel. or extraction. sigh#and so the Dental Saga continues. todays visit went quite well in spite of the unforeseen mystery pain delaying the tooth-shaving plans#we had some time to kill so he managed to fill some of my other tiny cavities while i was there today so that’s good#okay moving on. what else. uhh. OH they finally came out and ran the fiber to the house last week!!! now i’m just waiting on one more-#-guy to come and finish the interior install and the long awaited fast internet will finally be mine eheheheheeeee#now i can feel my hours upon hours of unedited gameplay footage breathing down my neck :)#man i’ve got so much stuff piled up right now. i’m drowning in Tasks and it’s a lil overwhelming but i’ll handle it all! eventually#uhhhhm my current writing project is coming along well! i’ve never put so much time and effort into a oneshot before in my life#its a labor of love though and i think i’m gonna be really proud of myself (and the fic) once it’s complete#even if no one reads it bc it’s so goddamn self indulgent and kinda lowkey throws canon out the window but like. fuck it!#if i want Astarion to write a song on piano and perform it for me while mentally taking me on a trip down memory lane. then so be it#fr though i’ve never written anything quite like this and i rlly want to do it justice. even if its unrealistic i still want it to be Good#in other news i received word that one of the chickens i sponsor at my local Gentle Barn has passed away so i had a lil cry abt that#i feel so bad for his little tiny chicken wife. they obviously loved each other and it’s like. so sad when one half of an old couple dies#like. she pulled him out of his depression after his 1st wife died. now who’s gonna be there to pull Her out…#anyways let’s not get all sad about that again. in happier news my cat who i presumed died/got killed has returned home uninjured!!!#after that huge stray dog chased her into the woods i thought we’d never find or see her again#but then the morning after i started grieving her she showed back up hungry as hell yet completely unharmed like the enigma that she is#so that’s one definite highlight from earlier this month. uhh what else. rapid fire summary of the past few weeks let’s go-#Jersey turned 10! Bullet turned 10! my 6 year Veganniversary happened! i’m approaching 700 days on DuoLingo!#i’ve written more than 20 thousand words! i’ve been facing some fears! fighting my OCD! taking care of myself! (kinda!)#anyways things are far from being all sunshine and roses around here but i’m trying to focus on the good stuff for the most part#for now tho i have a headache and have reached 30 tags so it’s time to go shovel some mashed potatoes into my mouth :)
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snowshinobi · 8 months
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microdosing on cannibalizing my own flesh by reading Richard Silken poems. and falling in love
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wheeler-things · 1 year
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Mike Wheeler, the Hand and Eye of Vecna, and D&D as Foreshadowing
I'm about to say something unhinged.
It's going to take a fair amount of words to unpack (sorry about that) because I need to give context before I just come out and say it. And I'm fully aware that it's just one of hundreds of possible options for s5, so I'm really not trying to convince anybody of anything just... I was thinking about foreshadowing and analogies again, and something occurred to me and then it snowballed and.... hm.
Okay, so, I talked about it a lot more in this post, but the key point for what I'm talking about here is my belief that the Party's first D&D game in s1 actually foreshadows all of the main Upside Down antagonists from seasons 1-4, with the D&D Demogorgon actually representing Henry. Essentially, my breakdown came down to this:
"Something is coming. Something hungry for blood." -> s1 -> the Demogorgon. "A shadow grows on the wall behind you, swallowing you in darkness." -> s2 -> the shadow monster. "An army of troglodytes charge into the chamber!" -> s3 -> the Mind Flayer and the Flayed. "The Demogorgon!" -> s4 -> Henry Creel.
So, the remaining unaccounted for villains (assuming that the way the characters use D&D enemies as analogies is not necessarily representative of/accurate to what they actually foreshadow within the narrative) are:
Mike's Thessalhydra
Will's Juju hoard
Eddie's Vecna
I have some speculation on the first two, but it's the third that I'm going to do a deep dive into my thoughts on.
Since this is pretty long and it takes a bit of time to get through the contextualizing, let me clarify up front that this ties into the "Mike has a connection to the Upside Down" theories which I love, but which I know are not to everyone's tastes.
Who IS Vecna (in Stranger Things)?
From the campaign in s4e1, we learn:
Vecna is hiding in plain sight among his own cultists
"His skin is shrivelled. Desiccated. And [...] he is not only missing his left arm, but his left eye"
Vecna was believed to be dead/killed by Kas
An 11 isn't enough to defeat him, but a 20 is (notably, we don't actually hear what Dustin and Erica were trying to roll to do-- based on the context of the scene, we assume that it was combat-based, but it is not explicitly laid out)
Later, in s4e2, Vecna is described (in terms that the characters start to tie to the entity we later learn is Henry, in an effort to theorize about what's going on) as:
An undead creature of great power
A spellcaster
A dark wizard
Note: In the context of Eddie's description of what happened to Chrissy, the term "Vecna's curse" is brought up. This leads into the description of Vecna's characteristics listed above, but no further details (as far as I can find or remember) are given about what Vecna's curse is like in Eddie's game. Which leads me to...
Who IS Vecna (in D&D)?
Alright, I have to admit-- I've played D&D before, but my friends have a tendency to prefer MotW/PbtA-based games, and even when we HAVE done D&D, the storylines and characters have been entirely from the DM's mind/not from anything official. As a result, everything I'm about to say here is based on what Google can tell me (I'm aware others have talked about this before, but I think it gives some useful context for where I'm going to go in this analysis, if I make sure we’re all on the same page about the background D&D lore).
The main websites that I used to get information for this part can be found here, here, and here.
So! The long and short of it seems to be that in life, Vecna was a wizard who built a "terrible empire". In order to avoid death, he turned himself into a lich, and in undeath, he continued to grow his empire. He had a lieutenant named Kas, who Vecna gifted a sword to. For unknown (though the speculation does not paint him in a positive light) reasons, Kas murdered Vecna, leaving behind only Vecna's eye and left hand along with a pile of ash. However, his spirit survived the attack and he spent "eons" regaining his former power. In the meantime, his artifacts, cults, and "dark secrets" continued corrupting others/pushing them towards evil.
It may also be notable that Vecna was known to have a "formidable and hideous" temper.
And... that's the short version of everything that I could find about Vecna in D&D.
Henry Creel as Vecna
So, this is the obvious conclusion, because the characters call Henry "Vecna", which seems to have largely lead to the audience assumption that the Vecna in Eddie's campaign definitely foreshadows Henry. And I want to start out by acknowledging that I do think this is absolutely a possibility! I could 100% be wrong about the Demogorgon in Mike's campaign representing Henry, and even if I'm not, there's nothing that says there can't be two moments of foreshadowing for the same antagonist.
If Henry is Vecna, I know there are a lot of theories about who Kas is, and I'm not interested in getting too deep into the weeds on that particular debate. With that being said, I will say that when I first watched s4 I personally thought it was obvious that, if Henry was actually the person foreshadowed by Eddie's Vecna, then El was clearly Kas and had already fulfilled her part in that role?
I mean, Henry didn't have any real power in the lab so obviously El wasn't his lieutenant. But she was clearly his favourite (or, depending on how you read his character, he at least did a good job of pretending that she was his favourite). He gave her a weapon (in that he taught her to use her anger to weaponize her powers). At first she helped him with things (ie. getting Soteria out of his neck), but later she turned against him and used the "weapon" he "gave" her in order to, as far as she understood at the time, kill him (literally turned him to ash, and he appears when we see him next in the Upside Down). But, of course, he wasn't actually dead, and in line with Eddie's campaign, he came back. El tried to face him alone, but it failed/missed just like the eleven roll.
You may or may not agree with me on that, but I personally think it's the most likely scenario. I just... can't see them recreating everyone thinking Henry has been killed for a THIRD time only to bring him back AGAIN. And in my opinion, El-as-Kas (but she's already fulfilled the role) does fit very well with what we know about Vecna from Eddie's campaign/with a number of the details from D&D.
I will also concede that you could make the case that Henry was hiding in plain sight among his cultists during the time when he was interacting with baby!El (as in, he was disguised as a lab assistant, and obviously the whole Lab is dedicated to, essentially, recreating Henry's powers so that's sort of like a cult to him, I suppose), and that he is certainly, as of the present timeline in s4, something like an undead creature as well was being very powerful and functionally a dark wizard. His flesh is even shrivelled and desiccated after his time in the Upside Down.
All of which is to say, without speculating heavily about the potential events of s5, Henry does look incredibly appealing as the thing foreshadowed by Eddie's campaign.
But…
The Case for Someone Else as Vecna
There are a few main reasons why I think that Henry is a red herring as the thing Vecna was foreshadowing.
Firstly, and least compellingly (I have to mention it, but it's not evidence that stands on its own), if Mike's Demogorgon foreshadows Henry, but the Party mis-used its name for the UD's Demogorgon because it was the monster they happened to be fighting at the time, then it stands to reason that it's possible that they may have mis-used Vecna's name to apply it to Henry for the same reason-- it was the most recent/most superficially relevant enemy the Party had fought in D&D and, as such, made for a decent enough analogy to the current situation.
Secondly, just on a narrative scale, if El has already played the Kas role in the s4 flashbacks and then has also already made her failed roll in present day s4... then literally all that's left is to roll a 20 and win? It's too smooth/too easy to take up a whole season. Obviously, the writers can throw in extra drama and struggle and tension, but if we're already past the failed 11 roll, then... it can't be too intense or else the foreshadowing loses its tight 1:1 dynamic with what's happening in the plot. And “not too intense” is very rarely what people are going for when they write a finale season.
Thirdly... despite how well Henry aligns with almost all of the descriptions of Eddie's Vecna, he does not align with what I would argue are the two most emphasized descriptors (the two that Eddie puts the most passion and physicality into describing, and the two which seem to actually make it clear to the Club that the unknown cultist is Vecna). Namely: Henry very much is not missing an eye or an arm. His left arm is odd looking, but that's not because he ever lost it and had to replace it. It appears to just be part of whatever the Upside down is doing to him/turning him into (God, I hope he's turning into a Demogorgon-- I saw someone suggest that at one point and I wish I could find the post to link it here, because I think it would be the funniest and most fitting option). And Henry's eyes both look kind of odd/cloudy now, but not only does he have both of them, but the flashback to him wandering the Upside Down after El threw him in there make it explicitly clear that his injured/initially damaged eye was his right eye. It would have been just as easy, and changed nothing about the overall narrative, if they had made Henry’s left eye blind instead/to subtly align with the Vecna analogy, so the fact that they so pointedly didn’t suggests to me that, in terms of foreshadowing, Henry may not actually be Vecna at all. In fact, there is nothing at all that I can remember connecting Henry to the idea of left eyes, except that the characters call him Vecna, and Eddie's Vecna is described as being devoid of one.
Also (and this is just a small point), I do think that it's interesting that in D&D, Vecna's backstory includes him creating a dark empire, and there are a lot of theories abounding about the idea that someone in the main cast created or significantly altered the Upside Down (I've mostly seen them about Will and Mike, but I imagine there are other similar theories for other characters). Because what we know for sure is that Henry absolutely did not create it, and likely did not significantly alter it either (at least not until he met the shadow monster), I do think that it's worth noting that this is another way in which Henry's character diverges from at least the D&D version of Vecna.
Detour: How do Superpowers Work in Stranger Things?
I may or may not have driven myself mad trying to figure this out. And I also may or may not have spent a long time resigned to the idea that Kali had been retconned by s4 showing that all the other numbers seem to have basically the same powers as Henry and El (with the possible exception of El's ability to open portals into the UD-- unless Henry had this ability as well before the Mind Flayer took a chunk out of El in s3... we simply don't know yet).
I feel like I maybe heard something, at one point, that suggested that all of the kids in the lab had telekinesis and then also at least one other power. However, I can't find a source on that? Also, I don't believe there's any direct evidence of this shown in s4 (and Kali's powers outright contradict it), given that the only non-telekinetic power that we were shown by anybody but Henry and El was 010 who was able to see what others were doing in his mind (which seemed to be very similar to El's mind void abilities, if maybe a little stronger or more well-practised).
Either way, I think the evidence given in the show suggests that there are three possible ways to develop or obtain supernatural abilities in the Stranger Things universe.
Via experimentation. This was the case for El, and very likely also most of the other kids in the Lab. It also seems to have been the case for El's mother, who we see being able to flicker the lights and change the channels on her television with her mind.
Through infiltration by and/or extended exposure to the Upside Down. I'm a little more tentative on this one, because my main example of this is Will, and we all know that there are a LOT of theories about Will's abilities. And I want to stress that I cannot definitively say they're wrong. All I can say is that, as the show exists right now, one of many possible readings is that Will's abilities, such as sensing the Mind Flayer, seem to be a result of his experiences with the Upside Down. If this is accurate, then it represents a method of obtaining powers that is distinct from how El got hers. I’m not at all trying to discount the possibility that Will could have other powers that he was born with or developed due to experimentation (I love a good Will-born-with-powers theory!), I just want to consider the possibility that Will’s powers could be a result of his experiences with the Upside Down.
Being born with them/developing them spontaneously. Henry is the obvious example of this, but I also believe that Kali is another example. Her powers are completely different than those of the other numbers. Moreover, Kali was abducted when she was five, unlike El who was abducted as an infant. To me, this suggests that Kali was likely not the result of Brenner's experimentation, but rather, more similar to Henry in that she spontaneously developed powers, and Brenner took advantage of that fact. If this is the case, it would explain why Kali's powers are so different from those of everybody else that we've seen-- because it is likely that Brenner used Henry Creel as the basis upon which his experiments were developed, explaining why they largely seem to have powers very similar to Henry.
If this assessment is correct (and I cannot stress enough how speculative I am being here because this is still a huge mystery in the show itself), then I do think it's interesting that Henry (who is almost certainly going to be the main/active antagonist for the vast majority of s4, even if he doesn't turn out to be "Vecna" from Eddie's campaign in the end) represents 3/3 of these points (he was experimented on by Brenner, he has been changed by the Upside Down, and he developed his powers spontaneously), and yet, out of our protagonists, only 2/3 of those points are currently represented (El who developed her powers via experimentation, and Will who likely/possibly-- I know everyone has their own strong opinions on this developed them via exposure to the Upside Down)?
In reality, I think that if my interpretation of how getting superpowers works in this universe is accurate, then it seems to me that we will very likely have a character with powers that developed naturally to complement El and Will.
However, both for narrative reasons (it would feel too shoehorned in/too Deus ex Machina) and for fitting in with the other established characters who seem to have spontaneously developed powers reasons, it would not make sense for any of our protagonists to all of a sudden start moving things with their minds. Narratively, it would just seem like it was being added in at the last minute and, anyway, it seems like Kali developed her powers/showed clear signs of them before the age of five, and Henry developed his around the age of twelve, so it’s likely that if any of our characters were going to develop powers, it would start before their teenage years.
So, assuming we're not getting Erica (God, I wish) or Holly (...I mean, I wouldn't complain) suddenly developing powers of their own, it seems likely that if any of our characters are going to have spontaneous powers, they likely already have them/are already using them. However, I don't think any of our beloved ensemble cast would know they have powers and not share that with the class. They all want to beat the Upside Down, and El and Will have already more than shown how useful superpowers are in that effort.
And... on a narrative level, let's be real. If this is the direction things are going, the reveal of these powers/abilities cannot be a joyous occasion. It has to hurt. Because if it doesn't hurt, we're back to the Deus ex Machina issue. But if it hurts-- if the reveal causes severe conflict for the character in question and with the people around them, if it breaks them down and reveals new things about them, if the reveal feels like a loss, in the moment when it comes about, rather than a win for the cast... then it might work.
For that to happen, the repressed/extant but unknown powers have to connect to the Upside Down. They have to have had a significant hand in all the pain that our characters have gone through. Possibly via either creating the Upside Down or the shadow monster, or else through some other connection. But the connection has to be there, because the reveal needs to cause fear, pain, and conflict for the characters.
Detour Cont'd: So... Who Is It?
So... if my wild speculation above is in any way accurate, I think it's worth taking a look at our established characters to see who could have done it.
So, Henry was wandering the Upside Down from 1979 onwards, El opened her first gate in that same year, so I suspect that if any of our characters did accidentally create/influence the Upside Down it likely happened starting around this time. In '79 (dangerously assuming my math is correct), Nancy (also Jonathan and Robin) would have been 11-12, and the Party would have been 7-8, making them the primary possibilities. - I think it's fair to assume that if they're doing this, it would be a major character that we've known since s1, so that discounts Robin and Max. - Additionally, given the composition of the final shot of s4, I think it's reasonable to assume that this character would be in that final shot, because they would have a significant role to play in s5. That cuts out Lucas and Dustin as well. - I'll also say that we can cut out El and Will, since their powers are (under this specific interpretation) already accounted for. - That leaves the remaining options as: Nancy, Jonathan, and Mike. - And, I mean... Mike's the one who's in the middle of that final shot, just as much as Will is. Mike's the one who always knows weird random stuff about the Upside Down and about El's powers. Mike's the one whose plans always work out. Mike's the only one who has never managed to land a punch/at least not managed to land a punch in the A plot of a season climax. Mike's the one whose emotions are a total mystery to the audience (outside of those who engage in intense rewatching and analysis to pick it apart lol). And… Mike’s the one who’s always depicted in a trio with El and Will (I know this is love triangle imagery, but it could potentially have a double meaning). - My point being-- if all of my previous reasoning/interpreting is accurate, then Mike is the only character who makes any sense in this role.
Also, just talking about logistics here-- in order to be comprehensible to audience members who are not about to sit down and rewatch the show a million times in order to pick up on subtle clues and hints, there are a few issues that are going to require a decent amount of screen time in order to explain/develop in s5. To my mind, (outside of ship dynamics) those are:
Where is Max? Why can't El find her?
What is Will's connection to the Upside Down? Did the Demogorgon really take Will in s1? Why is Henry/the Mind Flayer so focused on him?
Why is the Upside Down stuck in time/why and how did it start looking like Hawkins?
What the hell is going on in Mike Wheeler's head?
How will everybody react to the Upside Down and its monsters now that they're bound to start becoming common knowledge around Hawkins?
How are they going to deal with the military? What is going to happen to El if her location is compromised? How will this impact the fight against Henry/the Upside Down?
What is the relationship between Henry and the shadow monster/Mind Flayer? Is it possible for the gang to kill/destroy/incapacitate both? How will they do that?
My point is, there's one question on this list that doesn't seem to be connected into the Upside Down plot in any way-- and that's point 4. The question about Mike. Because realistically speaking, Stranger Things has a Mike Wheeler-shaped problem. He's a protagonist every season, and he's literally equally sharing the centre of the screen with Will in the final shot of s4, so if we're getting a Will Byers protagonist moment in s5, I think it's safe to suggest that we're also getting a Mike Wheeler protagonist moment.
But generally speaking, people don't want a Mike Wheeler protagonist moment, because people don't like him. And obviously that's because the underlying issues that he's going through have been hidden from plain view, but, like... you don't do that for no reason. Narratively speaking, you only do that if you're amping up for a big reveal.
And, yes. Mike and Will getting together would absolutely be a massive reveal and I can fully understand why they wouldn't want to spoil it... but. To get people to care about Mike again, and to believe that he "deserves" Will, they need to devote time and narrative space to explaining Mike's emotional state, both regarding his sexuality, and regarding whatever mental health issues he's struggling with. And they could have put more of this in s4! Mike and Will had FOUR heart to hearts, discounting the van scene. They very much could have had Mike express some of his (likely) experiences with depression and/or PTSD, without having to show their hand about his sexuality/feelings for Will. Doing so would have helped the audience have more sympathy for/understanding of Mike, AND would have significantly cut down on the ground they have to cover with his character in s5.
Because... they're going to need to take up a fair amount of time in s5 to show all of the stuff they need to cover with Mike if they actually are intending to follow through with him being queer and also, like, not beloathed by a large swath of the audience, they're going to need to connect his emotional issues to the Upside Down/A plot somehow. Which they can absolutely do! Henry's whole thing is perfect for that. And it worked with Max-- but there's a difference.
Because, with Max, her experiences with Henry/Vecna's curse were used to give the audience new information to help solve the mystery of the season. But we don't need that again. And... sure, Mike could get cursed/attacked and learn something useful in the fight against Henry, in addition to showcasing all the stuff that's going on inside his head, but given that Will's back in town and is already psychically linked with Henry/the Mind Flayer... I mean, it seems more natural to have that dynamic fall to Will?
This is a lot of talking, but my POINT is... they did not have to hold Mike's emotional state so close to their chests. Let's be real-- they could have at least started to outline the idea that Mike might be struggling with mental health issues, and nobody who isn't already reading the writing on the wall for Mike/Will would be jumping to assume it meant he was struggling with any gay feelings. Like, let's be absolutely real here: they could have had Mike outright say "I don't know, it's like you left and all of a sudden I didn't have the energy to do anything all I could do was sit around and miss you" to Will and people would have understood it as "ohhhh he was depressed because he missed El/has trauma about El disappearing on him/leaving him".
So, if we're reading Mike correctly-- if he's struggling with mental health issues and they're putting in all the little clues and hints to it that we're picking up on/that will be obvious on a rewatch after some huge reveal... then whatever he's going through has to tie into the supernatural plot in a big way. And, more than that, it needs to be linked to it in a way that is surprising enough/enough of a twist to warrant all this secrecy about it.
AND (and this is a hill I am prepared to die on)... Will and El are both main characters, but so is Mike. The plot would not have started without Will. The plot would not have started without El. But also... the plot would not have started without Mike. Without Mike things are totally different, because whoever found El instead would not have been the exact combination of nurturing and feral that made s1 Mike hide her in his basement/believe her the instant she implied she even maybe knew how to find Will. And that's just the first thing that he did which unquestionably pushed the plot in the direction it's going. There's a reason he shares centre screen with Will at the end of s4 (after El had her extended closeup because I'm sure she's going to continue having her protagonist moment in s5, AS SHE SHOULD). Mike isn't just a love interest. He's a protagonist in his own right-- this is his coming of age story, just as much as it is Will's and El's. And, while it's entirely possible that they might have a plan that includes him being the only one of the trio without any particular personal connection to the supernatural plot, I do think it's worth considering that, just as is the case for Will and El, it's at least possible that Mike might have a plotline outside of his romantic relationships, and that, as the third protagonist/third leg of the protagonist trio... it's at least possible that said plotline might have direct ties to the supernatural A plot.
(Also, yes, the ending shot does also suggest that Hop, Joyce, Nancy, and Jonathan are also protagonists for s5-- I feel like this tracks with their roles in s1, and I fully expect them to play major roles in s5, but if this is actually a coming of age story, then it's the Party who are, really, the ones spending this whole time coming of age. That's why I'm making the distinction.)
I bring all of this up, because I believe that it lends context to why I think it is possible that Eddie's Vecna actually references/foreshadows Mike, in particular's, s5 role.
Mike as Vecna
So, here's the thing. If Mike did create the Upside Down, or at least the shadow monster, then he (or at least his repressed emotions and/or dark thoughts) is an antagonistic force in the show. That doesn't mean he's bad or evil (Will was an antagonistic force in s2, and he's sort of the exact opposite of bad or evil). Meaning that it would make sense to foreshadow him as an antagonist, even if ultimately he is a protagonist/on the side of the rest of the gang.
Returning to what we know about Vecna from the show, I'd like to combine it with some of the common theories/ideas that I've seen floating around regarding Mike's potential plot/future in s5.
First of all, Eddie's Vecna is shown hiding among the cultists. Mike obviously doesn't have a cult, although, if he is (unintentionally) the cause of all the Upside Down business, he is hiding in plain sight, both to the other characters and to the audience.
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^ Bringing back this screenshot for absolutely no reason at all
I would also point out that Mike is the only character, of the viable list (even expanded back out to include Will and El) of those who could even maybe have played the role in creating/influencing the Upside Down, who is also a member of the Hellfire Club. By which I mean, Mike might not actually be in a cult, but Hawkins at large sure thinks he is.
Now, obviously, Mike isn't dead/hasn't been killed by anybody. But everybody is always talking about all of he death flags around Mike coming into s5, and I, at least, am of the opinion that he can't die permanently (for the same reason that Will and El can't perma-die-- all of them are way too self-sacrificial and willing to throw their lives away for everyone else, so killing them would literally just be them... doing what they always do, which is not ideal for a death scene, especially in a show where the death of major characters is used as infrequently as it is in Stranger Things). If he dies and then comes back to life, or at least seems to have died, this might fulfill the "undead" requirement.
Obviously, how the issue of Kas would come up in this storyline, would be much more questionable than in Henry's. If I'm on the right track here, though, I wouldn't really expect us to know at this point, because it would likely come up in s5 anyway. What I will say is that, if I were to speculate about s5... since Mike is the leader of the Party, and Kas was Vecna's lieutenant, if this is the direction they're going, then I would expect one of the Party members (probably not Will or El because I have some... thoughts about them in the context of the Vecna analogy) to play the role. However, I really can't see any of them intentionally killing/betraying Mike, so my best guess is that if this is happening, it's going to be more a thing of Mike self-sacrificing/endangering himself in order to protect one of the Party members, rather than them intentionally/personally striking the blow. That's SUPER speculative, though, and not founded in very much except... Mike's character as a whole. Also, in D&D's lore, all that was left of Vecna after Kas had killed him, besides the Hand and the Eye, was a pile of ashes-- which fits really seamlessly into Mike's narration of his D&D character dying a fiery, self-sacrificial death at the end of Will's campaign.
Eddie's Vecna is a spellcaster/dark wizard, which are terms that would fit anyone, Mike included, in the scenario where they created/significantly influenced the Upside Down/shadow monster.
In terms of Mike's appearance, obviously he does not appear shrivelled and desiccated (though we'll have to see what s5 brings on that front), but I will note that there are a LOT of theories about Mike losing an arm and possibly an eye as well. Additionally, Mike's left eye, in particular, is often shrouded in shadow. I've already written a different post about that, so I won't go too into detail, but you can look at it here.
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^ A sample of some of the left eye shadows
If the theories about Mike creating the Upside Down or at least the shadow monster are accurate, then that fulfills the D&D Vecna's backstory of having built a dark empire before his undeath.
In the context of Mike, I also think it's interesting that one of the things D&D's Vecna is known for is his "dark secrets". Like... I mean, we all know Mike is full of secrets. And it's very likely that they're "dark"-- not necessarily in the way that D&D Vecna's secrets are dark, but more so in the way of, like, mental health issues can be very dark when you're living through them. I mean... Max had "dark secrets" this season, too (though, obviously, totally different in nature and context than Mike's), but the narrative difference (outside of all the cool character stuff they were doing with Max-- this is not a Max post so I won't get too into it, but I just want to make it super clear that Max has a LOT of interesting stuff going on in s4 in her own right) is that those came to light, while Mike's stayed hidden.
Also... okay let me just put this here:
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(Link to the site I got that from is in the Vecna in D&D section)
"The godlike supremacy they crave". Does that... not sound like Henry? I mentioned Henry turning into a Demogorgon back in the Henry as Vecna section of this post, but... I think I'm just saying that it could legitimately be happening? I don't know. Maybe I'm just being overly enticed by the idea of Henry's hubris making him believe that he's the one in control of the Upside Down/the shadow monster/Mind Flayer when, in reality, the truth is that he's simply blinded to what's happening to him by his own arrogance and ambition.
Anyway... finally, I'll point out that D&D's Vecna is also known for his "formidable temper". And, like... I just... okay, so a lot of characters in Stranger Things have tempers and anger issues. But the thing with Mike's is that it's portrayed... kind of differently? Like, if you push Jonathan or Steve hard enough on the right pressure points, they'll snap and physically fight you (we've seen it), and El's basically the same except that she generally has the psychic force to skip the fight and simply toss you aside like a ragdoll. If you push Will or Nancy or Hopper hard enough on the right pressure points, they'll get sarcastic and frustrated and snippy (and depending on who you are, Hopper and maybe also Nancy might also punch you lbr-- here's hoping for Nancy punching someone out in s5). But Mike?
a) Mike's kind of constantly on the verge of getting mad (except, typically, when he's alone with Will and usually also El pre-s4). He's annoyed by everything, prickly towards basically everyone unless he knows them very well, and easily upset if he doesn't get his way/doesn't feel consulted about what's happening. None of which erases his positive qualities, and all of which are explainable, but it's undeniable that there's an angry element to his character.
b) When Mike does actually get properly mad, he shoots to kill. "What is WRONG with you?" "It's not MY fault you don't like girls!" "She didn't LOOK fine...", like. Every season, he says something so harsh it leaves the other person/people speechless. And that's NOT to say that Mike's a bad kid. He's a child who has suffered a lot of trauma, and who was already prone to fits of annoyance before all the bad stuff started happening. Of course he lashes out. AND it does seem like he's making an attempt to improve especially as of s4 (probably because the rain fight really scared him tbh). I'm not saying he's bad, I'm just saying that one of his flaws, which he does seem to be working on, is that he has a tendency to get angry and say things that he might mean in the moment, but which are more hurtful than he wants them to be.
c) I find the scene where Mike breaks down in Hopper's arms in s2 incredibly telling. Obviously, this was Mike under extreme circumstances. I'm not suggesting that level of rage and pain is Mike's typical baseline level. But what I am saying is... that breakdown did not develop overnight. That was something Mike was building towards since s1e1. And then he lets it out with fists and screams and sobs. And then he boxes it away and gets back to plotting how to stop the Mind Flayer and save Will like nothing happened. And nobody brings it up ever again (I mean... let's be honest... the only person who WOULD 100% have brought it up later was passed out in a drug-induced nap at the time, so it's very likely that Will doesn't know about that breakdown... just like he probably doesn't know about the quarry). And just like every other character, Mike keeps getting traumatized on top of all the pain that caused that original breakdown. And...
I don't know. I guess I'm just saying that it's undeniable that Mike has a temper, though he's not the only character who does. And that Mike's inevitable s5 breakdown will probably involve rage as well as tears. Does Mike have a "formidable and hideous temper"? I don't know. I think that sort of depends on who is judging. I am pretty sure that Mike thinks he does, though.
And... lastly... this is just a parallel that I thought was interesting, which probably doesn't mean anything, probably it's just a coincidence, but I'm already deep enough into this analysis that I've lost my mind so...
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^ s1 Mike covers his left eye while indicating/faking a headache
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^ s4 Eddie covers his left eye with an upside down hand to mimic being Vecna
The Eye and Hand of Vecna in This Context
Something that has been bothering me is this:
Mike, Will, and El are obviously paralleled to two trios from other franchises, with Will and El, respectively, as the "head"/primary character in the trio.
They're paralleled to Harry/Ron/Hermione (no, I don't like talking about HP parallels very much because //gestures at everything about JKR with my very trans hands, but I don't think that discomfort on my end negates the obvious parallels), with Will generally functioning as Harry (although I'm aware that Will and Mike get the Ron/Hermione treatment in the airport), with everything to do with his connection with Henry.
They're also paralleled to Luke/Leia/Han, with El generally functioning as Luke.
So, the thing that has been bothering me is: if Mike is just as much a protagonist as Will and El are, and not just a romantic interest for the two of them, why isn't there also a trio in which Mike gets to play the leading role? And, uh... so... I have a thought about that, but it requires me to dig a bit deeper into the lore behind the artifacts left after Kas (nominally) killed Vecna in D&D lore: the Hand and the Eye.
The Hand of Vecna:
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The Eye of Vecna:
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(link to the site where I took these screenshots from is included in the section about Vecna in D&D)
So... if (and I'm very aware that it's a big if) Mike is going to turn out to have been foreshadowed by Eddie's Vecna, then I believe that this is the trio he's at the head of. Vecna/Eye of Vecna/Hand of Vecna, with El as the Hand and Will as the Eye.
I mean, the Hand's thing is strength (El's telekinesis lends strength to her/anybody she is helping use it for-- ie. flipping the car in s3, where flipping it back over requires multiple people and Mike's lever system). It improves attacks during combat (again... El's telekinesis sort of makes her the gang's heavy hitter). It can apparently also freeze creatures (we see El do this at least twice in s1-- she freezes Troy in place after he tries to attack Mike, and freezes the Demogorgon in place when it's trying to attack the Party). And it can be used to cast a number of different spells including Teleport (El can't exactly teleport, but she can use the mind void to travel anywhere a given person is in her mind) and some necromantic spells.
Interestingly, although they're not spells the Hand can provide according to screenshot above, bringing back the dead, like El does to Max at the end of s4, can be done using a necromantic spell in D&D.
And the Eye... I mean. Truesight is right there. But in general, it's a lot about being able to see through just about everything (including time, which is pretty interesting), with fits pretty well with Will as the spy/Will as the sensor of all things Upside Down. The spells it can cast are pretty interesting as well, and do make me wonder if the fact that Will was (or possibly still ever so slightly is?) part of the hivemind might give him some ability to control what the hivemind does? I don't know, but it's a thought.
Also, the effect of using the Eye is really interesting, given the fact that Will was infected by the shadow monster/Mind Flayer right at the moment when he tried to order it to "go away" (failed Dominate Monster?), and then the whole possession got worse/his soul was almost consumed leaving him essentially a puppet under the control of the shadow monster/Mind Flayer after he attempted to spy back (possibly failed Clairvoyance?). Also, fun fact: Disintegrate causes a "thin green ray" to "spring from your finger" in order to turn a target to dust. I can't help but think about Will the Wise's green fireballs.
I don't know… I just think the parallels are worth thinking about.
To be 100% clear, I'm not saying that Will and El's powers/abilities come from Mike (just like in the HP parallel, Will paralleling Harry/the Chosen One doesn't take away from El or Mike's positions as co-protagonists with him, or in the SW parallel, El paralleling Luke doesn't mean that she's the only protagonist/Chosen One in ST). Nor am I suggesting that Mike in any way owns Will or El. I'm only pointing out that there are some striking similarities between their powers/experiences and the effects of Hand and Eye in D&D, so if the theories about Mike creating the Upside Down/shadow monster are correct, then... those similarities are interesting.
(But, hey, I mean, fun fact-- if this is actually the intended read, then all three are paralleling powerful wizards in popular culture, which is fun.)
Also also... something I've always found super weird is that Will's eyes go brown when he's possessed, never black. Which... is odd, because black is traditional for possessions, and it would look more unnatural, it would align more with the shadow monster's colours, and it would be a really clear signal to the audience that there's something wrong with the colour of his eyes because as it stands, unless you already know that Will has hazel eyes, nothing seems off (especially because the characters never mention the change either). I mean, the shadow monster is black/dark grey. Henry's eyes are blue and never go darker than that. But Mike's eyes are just about that same shade of brown that Will's were when they were at their darkest...
I mean, if nothing else, Mike as Vecna and Will and El as the Eye and Hand would explain why Mike keeps losing (being cut off from) both of them.
And, I mean... we all know Will tends to hang out on Mike's left, but so does El (it's just less obvious with El, because she also has a motif of facing Mike head on). Largely (though not always-- if there's a true pattern, I can't tell what it is), when they're not in this alignment is when they're disagreeing/not on the same page/not pretending to be on the same page with Mike. I mean... you know. Something something, Vecna's left hand and left eye?
No, Seriously, Will and El are So Often on Mike's Left
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^ Just a sample of the relevant shots
The Good News
Now that I've gotten through all of this, I do want to say that, even if Eddie's Vecna is foreshadowing something about Mike's role in the supernatural plot of s5, I don't believe they're setting him up to be a true villain. Like... if Mike did actually create the Upside Down/the shadow monster/in some way impact them, I very much do not believe that he is aware of it as of s4, nor do I believe that he would ever intentionally hurt any of the people that the Upside Down has tormented all these years. Well, except himself [gunshot]
Obviously he would be absolutely ripped open if he learned any of what happened was in any way his fault. He'd be absolutely gutted. If you're a "Mike needs to have a sobbing, screaming breakdown in s5" kind of person, man would you get your wish and then some.
My point is, even if they're setting up a twist where Mike('s repressed emotions) have been an antagonistic force all along, I very much do not believe that Mike is being set up as an antagonist, in his own right.
This is where I'm going to bring it back to the fact that we don't actually know what Dustin or Erica were rolling to do. Most likely, in the game itself, they were rolling for various attacks. But we don't hear that. And we don't actually hear Eddie ever say that Vecna was killed, it's just implied from the context of the scene. Which to me means that the ending is not set in even analogous stone. If Vecna does foreshadow Mike's role in the supernatural plot, then all we know is that an Eleven alone can't defeat/solve whatever's going wrong with him, but a twenty (whatever is defined as a twenty) can.
By which I mean, I don't think Mike has to die in the end in order to fit with the analogy.
Also! I think it's really important that Eddie's D&D session is the only one that we see Mike participating in, where he doesn't do any active narrating. Obviously he narrates for the Demogorgon and Thessalhydra campaigns. However, he also takes over narrating for Will's campaign, when he decides to light a fire and sacrifice himself to destroy the Juju hoard.
In Eddie's campaign, though, he follows along. His PC 0's out (which could reference a future physical injury, or an inability on his part to keep fighting for some other reason), and they call a time out to discuss. During that conversation, Dustin specifically asks Mike for his opinion on what they should do (which I have some Thoughts about in the broader context of Dustin's characterization in s4, but those are so wildly outside the bounds of this post-- I'll make a different post later), and Mike really does act like a good leader. He asks Dustin and Erica for context on their HP, and assesses that if they keep fighting it will be difficult, but in the end he tells them that the call is up to them, because their characters are the only ones left on the battle field. That's all he says about the game. And I think the fact that all he says is that the fight will be "difficult" is really good news, because it means that the ending is more open.
Finally, it's possible that if Mike is actually the person being foreshadowed by the use of Vecna in Eddie's campaign, and if Will and El are intentionally paralleled to the Eye and the Hand respectively, then Mike's lost hand/eye signals may not necessarily literally mean that he's going to lose his body parts, but rather that he's going to lose or feel like he's lost both Will and El one more time before everything is over.
The Bad News
IF any of this is correct-- specifically, IF Mike did create the shadow monster or the Upside Down or even just influenced it in some way... even if Henry was somehow exercising power over it to make it more dangerous than necessary... I'm just not convinced that everybody would be able to forgive him.
I mean... Will, obviously would. That's kind of a foregone conclusion, especially since at least in the scenario I'm speculating about, none of what happened would be anything Mike knew he was in any way complicit in until after the fact.
I also think El would probably be able to understand pretty quickly given that she knows what it's like to do something without knowing you can do it, and to have to come to terms with the fact that others have suffered as a result. That being said, if we DO get Mike in the scenario I've been outlining, and then we DON'T get a parallel to the s1 "I'm the monster" "no you're not the monster-- you saved me" scene, except with Mike saying that he's the monster, and El assuring him that he's not because there's no such thing as being a monster or a superhero, but he was her first ever friend so she could never consider him a monster? I'll sue.
A lot of the others I'm way more up in the air about, because I really think it would come down to a lot of context in how it was portrayed, whether the others could manage to get into a somewhat normal groove with him ever again (though I highly doubt they'd have the Party end the show broken up, so I suspect they, at least, would find a way to come to terms with what happened).
But really... it's Nancy that concerns me? In literally any scenario where Mike might have had ANYTHING to do with the Upside Down in any capacity outside of what we've explicitly seen in the show. Whether he knew what he was doing or not. Whether Henry was the one orchestrating things in s1-s4/presumably at least early s5 or not. I just...
I can see a path where she could forgive him, right? Though I'm really worried that's a path where she would forgive him and take all that blame and put it onto herself because he was he little brother and she didn't notice.
But I just... I don't know.
I just know how horribly she's raked herself over the coals over Barb's death ever since s1, and I just worry about whether she would be able to accept that, in the scenario I've been outlining, Mike didn't actually mean to do anything/couldn't actually have stopped it because he didn't know it was happening. Because I suspect that in order for Nancy to get to that place, she'd have to confront the fact that SHE isn't at fault for what happened to Barb, either. That she did not do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough that she deserves to be still agonizing over it four years later) by telling Barb to go home that night. That there was no way Nancy could have known that something bad was happening to Barb, and that the fact that she didn't stop what was happening BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS ANYTHING FOR HER TO STOP, doesn't mean she's in any way at fault.
And... I REALLY hope we're going to get to see Nancy confronting that head on in s5. But it just.... concerns me in the context of these theories about Mike's potential supernatural role.
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identityquest · 1 year
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ive been playing a lot of pokemon-like games lately to search for something new to fill the void of the desire to collect creatures... so many games show so much promise but there's always something holding them back. it's usually just like one thing and i cant get too mad bc a lot of them are either extremely inexpensive or outright free. but it sucks to be playing a game thats otherwise solid only for it to suck bc like, the writing is abysmal or the gameplay loop is miserable. the most egregious thing ive encountered in a lot of these games is the lack of a robust bestiary. like thats the main reason i played pokemon and stuck with it, when prof rowan asked me to research for him i took that seriously 😭 i want to know abt the animals please for the love of god give me a description, a habitat range some fun facts. please
#strato.txt#i got spoiled to gen IV dex w/ footprints and the height and weight scale and the cry remixer and form differences..#when they took away footprints i sobbed cried and screamed. i was like WHERE ARE THEIR LITTLE PAWS....#maybe its cause i associated footprints w/ that guy who gives you a ribbon if your friendship is maxed out#cause he reads how much ur pokemon love you by the way they leave footprints in the sand... sigh#anyways. the scale for showing u how much pokemon weighed was cool too. how it launched dawn/lucas if the pokemon was heavy enough#i just really. REALLY want to feel like a field researcher that was always so important to me as a kid. going out and learning and growing#the villainous team is just a roadblock. and obstacle in my path to learn and see the world#i feel like gamefreak has shifted from learning as a narrative to coming of age and saving the world as a narrative. im sick of it tbh#is that what kids want these days. when i was a kid i wanted to be an astronaut and a paleontologist#so many games are getting the 'whoa cool beast' thing down. theyre the tyrannosaurus lovers. they like the cool animal and its evolution#but theyre neglecting like... the nature part? the part where the animal clicks in with the world. where its part of the ecosystem#they know that trex is cool and huge but not that it lived in a subtropical climate dominated by angiosperms.#the pokemon co and gamefreak have gone to great lengths to make pokemon feel REAL#they exist in their environments and shape them and interact with each other. many prey on each other#pokemon inhabit certain regions of the world bc thats their /ecosystem/. theyre not just randomly placed...#oh my god. i have more to say but im stopping here. im stopping
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whysamwhy123 · 6 months
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Me: Alright, I finally have some free time! I can get some writing done, since I have a bunch of different things I've started already, this'll be great!
My Brain: LOL, NOPE!! Not happening! You suck at this anyway, LOL, why bother?!
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lyricalambrosia · 9 months
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I'm struggling so much with how to start chapter 3 of can you feel the sun.....ive spent (checks notes) 2?? Days??? Just staring at the same three sections because the pacing feels so wrong to me but ive kind of put myself in a Situation™ here so. Ugh. Gonna have to rewrite already 😔
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fragmentedblade · 7 months
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I was reading yesterday about xiangqi and there was a mention about how the general is rather useless and even affects negatively your game at first, but ends up having a key role in setting up winning strategies towards the final stages, and it reminded me so much of Jing Yuan's role in the Xianzhou arc
#The more I read about xiangqi the more I see Jing Yuan in it#I thought the coincidences would be very superficial and sparse but I actually think these things were done on purpose#Really the attention to detail of this game baffles me. I wasn't expecting it at all#The more I see of Jingliu the more I recall the book on traditional chinese fencing I read too#It seemed they drew inspiration from those things for real as well#Unfortunately finding trustworthy information on traditional chinese fencing is being way harder than on chinese chess#I have to save those lines here still#I never do anything in the end#Nor the recopilation about scattered information on Yingxing‚ nor the lines on fencing‚#and I haven't made the gifs either of Jing Yuan stealing the xiangqi piece#nor of Blade and Jingliu's confrontation showcasing how Blade's expression contrasts Yingxing's#I hate that I am so lazy I keep postponing this. I really want to save those things. Otherwise eventually I'll forget them#*sighs*#Anyway... I ended up rambling again. I just wanted to save this thought here#I should have a tag for that maybe. In the meanwhile idk#I talk too much#Traces#I should probably delete this later#Oh! Reading the book on xiangqi strategy proved to be useful!#I'm only in the very beginning but I won my first game last night!#Having a deeper explanation on the functionality of the different pieces beyond how they move was very useful#I'm stuck now because the book suggested getting a physical board to move the pieces while reading and I don't have one#I was keeping a mental image of what was being described but I do get lost at times#when I have to trace back and forward what's being described‚ especially when the writer is comparing moves#But everything I find online is quite expensive and very bad quality. I don't know where to get a cheap yet decent (for the price) set
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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months
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#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
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ei-mugi · 4 months
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my main hurdle with my dcaf fic is my depression but my 2nd task-related hurdle is not knowing what eichi should be doing at my ambiguous and butchered chosen place in time--- nvm see the notes
#i already fucked up the start of checkmate but its fine the details dont have to be perfect#its so early on i can write a way around that. who cares#whats important is that it stays like thematically coherent. and characterisation needs to be consistent#but also liiike. whats----------- oh.#okay. i just thought of a solution to my problem#thats really easy why didnt i think of this months ago#ok im gonna write that down somewhere for after i finish my BB fic#and then several yaers down the line once i have a nicely wrapped and finished dcaf i can rewrite the whole thing to make it#accurate-er to the canon timeline of events. making a timeline just isnt fun to me sorry#the goal with dcaf wasnt to make it perfect it was to make it done yknow#i wanted to prove to myself i could write a longfic (or medfic at least) & that i could have a bare minimum satisfying narrative#so staying entirely true to canon isnt high on my priority list#learn how to make the thing THEN learn how to make it well u get me#i love roleplay but ive never done a whole lot of individual writing lol#i still need to reread those reminiscence events though... sigh... and ideally fluff out with some other stories too#i gotta manage my expectations on what i know im able to get done tho. sad but true#thank god i actually wrote notes when i was reading rocket start#i started writing notes when i started obbligato too tho im not far into that yet ive got other stuff to do#im totally distracted ok wrapping post up now
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arytha · 9 months
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i think the only novel i had to stop because i really hated how the. i guess abuse kept happening was w.u cha.ng j.ie (censored to hide from tags hopefully). it was really bad on the reoffending angle. like to the point where even i was nauseated by it and that takes a bit
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ace-trainer-risu · 1 year
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I'm listening to this hard(ish) sci fi novel on audiobook and its not, like, the greatest thing I've ever read, but it's more or less fine and I was basically enjoying it, and then like 85% of the way through there's this completely random, illogical, unexplained, out of the blue deus ex machina. and it's so completely random and absurd that I can't even pay attention to the plot anymore, I'm just like ??????
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