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drchucktingle · 1 year

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mr. dr. chuck, i'm a few months ago i told a doc of mine that i believe i'm on the spectrum (after yeeeears of considering all the reasons why i thought so) and she agreed with me. then i came to some conclusions about members of my family. then i started melting down and haven't really recovered.

i'm in my 30's, but my life feels like it's been the mistake-addled 24th year for over a decade. people, choices, wants, they feel like things that were silly blips and not of much substance. i'm tired and my body hurts, so it feels harder to get to things i need. doctors don't seem like they can be trusted because of all the other ways i show up in the world.

i'm worried about my life and my future, and it feels like my magic is gone (or that i can't touch it right now). do you have any words of wisdom for someone who found out this really big thing about themselves kind of late?

thank you.

hello buckaroo thank you for writing. first of all i will say MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember is that it is okay and valid to FEEL the way that you feel. your reaction to this news or any news really is not wrong. that does not mean you cant wish for another reaction or WORK TOWARDS another reaction, but in grand cosmic sense this is just your way. YOUR TROT IS VALID and we all have our own unique way. sometimes that path is an easy path with sunny days and smiles and a glorious view, and sometimes it is through the darkness of shadows or crawling through the old bog. we can PREFER one path over the other, but neither is WRONG.

when giving advice old chuck tries to not PROJECT what i think YOU should do because that is not really the point. this is your trot to trot and i do not think it is my place to act like some authority of your way. what chuck can do is tell you MY story of diagnosis and how it made ME feel and maybe you can take little pieces of that for yourself.

chuck learned of way on autism spectrum when i was in early twenties by doctor who said 'yes this is your way'. when i learned of my spectrum way my reaction was: wow this is very very cool i am so lucky because all of my heroes are autistic and now i am in this RADICAL CLUB. we are special and unique and DANG what a treat wish i could have a membership card in my wallet to show all my buds.

now obviously this is not everyones reaction, but as starting off point i wonder what it would have meant to my future if the news would have HIT ME IN A BAD WAY. if i would have felt let a dang robot alien who didnt belong. maybe id be swimmin through the bog ever since.

thing is I LIKE ROBOT ALIENS they are very cool. doctor did not MAKE me different, i was different already, our talks just popped a nice little name on it for me to take or leave. i took the name proudly because DATA from stars trek (certified robot alien) is exactly how i already felt and dang what a cool character and dang what a great life. so was DAVID BYRNE. so was every cool buckaroo artist that i liked. cowboys are OUTSIDER HEROES and that is how my autism makes me feel.

so like i said, i do not know about YOUR way, but MY WAY of hearing this news was heaps of joy and excitement. i will also say that it is very DIFFICULT to find this reaction later if your first leap is feeling in a sad way about it. so maybe if you want to trot back in your mind to those first few steps it would be helpful. maybe mentally trot to where you were pushed off a dang cliff and think "well was i pushed off a cliff or was i just told 'hey bud youve been floating this whole time?"'

because if youve been floating then DANG thats a lot of power. thats not falling. you can float up, you can float down, you can float side to side.

the next thing i will say AS AND ARTIST is that years of toiling and feeling aimless are NEVER actually aimless when it comes to creation. and to LIVE in a human body is to be an artist, because you are CONSTANTLY CREATING the future. when i am writing and i dont have an idea for my next book that can be frustrating, but it is also PART of the process. if i walk to the store to rustle up my mind, or wander around the park, or spend a whole WEEK feeling weird because of writers block THAT IS ALL PART OF MAKING GREAT ART. that is not wasted time. in other words, your years of toiling are not wasted time, that is just the process we all have when we are creating a future masterpiece.

#love is real #autistic #tingleverse

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cali · 6 months

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im a different anon but im just curious what advice you would give to someone whos been pillbugging it for um. over a year now

mmm i cant really answer how to stop having depression which im guessing is what u mean + i dont know how ur head works but ive been living mostly NEET-ly for more than 2 yrs now and everyday im getting a better curve at dealing with it so i can tell u what works for me.

half the time when im pillbugging hard im paralyzed by a nontangible fear and the only thing that could stop it is adressing wherever the fear is coming from but the confrontation of the topic, trying to figure out where its even coming from, is terrifying too so i dont do it and stay swimming in tar. theres a sentence people keep saying when they explain why they watch 2 hour video essays "it makes my head go quiet". thats the enemy, the thought, not the person saying it. long term i mean. when its short term anguish that can be bridged by pillbugging its fine i think but if ur "making ur head quiet" for more than a month i urge u to make it go really loud again but thats hard. the only times i can try and confront those thoughts is when i feel otherwise nice, if i got externally forced to have a fun day, hike with my papa, date day with my girlfriend, sometimes just got myself to make a nice meal and it helped, when u feel better its a little less scary and u can maybe try and think out of it a little better. also i think on those days youre generally more positively charged so u got more hope outlook. COOL. i think this is why some people do meditation. im not good at it so i dont really know but i think its a brave pasttime of tackling unpleasant ideas. i used to try and dope my way out of it with lsd cuz everytime i used it it kind of forced me to confront whatever trouble i had but ive forbad myself that cuz i didnt want to rely on it as crutch + it was just unpleasant to get hit over the head everytime. now i only do it when i feel good already (havent done it in half a year lol). sorry, drug tangent. also weed is synonymous with pillbugging 4 me.

otherwise, rituals.... mmmmm..... when therapists and whoevers say stuff like take daily walks daily exercise take daily shower i think all of those are like half about the direct benefits they give and half just about doing anything regularly. cuz it helps. during pillbug hours the point for me is kind of to have time pass as fast as possible so the timeframe to hurt is reduced which is counterproductive cuz if it flows u by rlly hard u cant really grasp onto anything to get off the ride easily. and its never going to come really easy theres no probable single action or event that is going to singlehandedly pull u out of the mire, no rapture, no healing vitamin, its always going to be slow and tedious and boring and stupid but a routine is a nice framework to start that. brushing ur teeth is nice. and when u do something daily the days start becoming more tangible again and u will be able to tell how many days ago tuesday was. maybe u can think abotu what factors motivate u and twist them to do your biddinggg. shame and dissapointment works really well for me if i tell someone i will have this done by then and i dont it usually overpowers the malaise or whatever other reason has been making me not do it prior. but this requires social bonds and i cant guarantee u have those. in summer i started doing therapy cuz in germany i need it for transgenderism and shes also a good beacon for that, if she says do something until next time we meet i dont want to dissapoint her. other than that, um idk, everyting else is just kind of part of that. take walks even if u dont want to think about things even if its scary. be brave like childrens book illustration of knight slaying dragon. and then maybe u get a princess kiss

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hella1975 · 3 months

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Hi hella!!!

I feel like i always start these off or end them by saying that these things are going to be incomprehensible in some way, mainly bc i have trouble translating whats going on in my mind into written words so i really dont know how much of my list thingies make sense to you but this one is especially probably going to not make much sense. (also bc i send them a lot when im either very tired or not sober, but i am sober and wide awake rn so this might be a different kind of incomprehensible)

I found one of my old drafts for an ask from around a year ago and it was a follow up response to the last chapter you posted at the time, so im not sure how its going to sound without the context of that specific chapter, but i also mentioned in one of my other asks that i add stuff in last minute and that ask i added a shit ton of stuff so i dont have any of that pretyped out so im going by memory. But im sending it again bc i havent seen you answer it

(please do not interpret this as ‘why didnt you answer my ask >:/’ or me rushing you to answer asks or anything like that, but like I said its been a year so im assuming tumblr ate it. If not and you just havent cleaned out your ask box and you find the original, congratulations you’ll know what i originally said. Bc idk how accurate this will be)

Theres two different ways that you seem to write metaphors (idk if thats what theyre called im not caught up on my literary terminology)

(im scrolling through your blog rn looking for my other asks and tumblr really did you dirty in your asks system like i started scrolling and the third one down was from 2021 and im fighting for my life trying to find my tag (thank you for my tag btw its very useful to me))

Anywho, most of your metaphors ( to me) can be split into two categories. Theres the simple ones and the complex ones. Now this might seem obvious but im going to explain to you how these have different effects on my brain.

An example of the ‘simple’ ones is

““If Nanook’s tone had a note of seriousness, then Zuko’s was the entire orchestra.”” (idk what chapter this is from its been a while)

You have a lot of these kinds of whatever the haick kind of literary technique this is (is this a metaphor i’ve been trying to google it for like ½ an hour and i cant figure it out) BUT these type of things that are simple and easy to process is one of my favorite things about the way you write. I think this is a very common technique but the way you do it to me is just a lot more unique than the ways ive seen it done before. Its extremely fluent with the voice of the characters and brings a perfect kind of vibe to the ‘conversation’ (or story, text, whatever) and it paints the picture of what your trying to say perfectly. I also really like how these types of things arent ever in Zukos pov a lot (sometimes it is, but not nearly as much, I’ve noticed) and its not in the more serious like revelations that you drop these in. Like I said, it adds to the voice of the characters, bc of the contrast of Zuko constantly having revelations and dramatic archs and stuff, and the other characters just in general being a lot more calm. Its like when youre listening to a song and you have the lyrics and the like ‘main’ music behind the lyrics, but then when you listen to the song a lot you notice the smaller, like backup music that adds a lot to the song and makes it a lot more enjoyable than if it was just the lyrics and the louder more up front music.

Then in contrast you have the bigger ‘metaphors’

An example of this is ‘You curse in words already invented’

THIS IS MY FAVORITE LINE IN THE ENTIRE FIC.

OF ANY FIC OR BOOK EVER READ

AND THIS IS WHY

When I tell you I could not figure out what this meant for months I am AWFUL with stuff like this and interpreting it my english teachers hate me bc of it. Id have the question ‘why were the curtains blue’ and my answer would be ‘bc the people who decorated the room like blue maybe theyre interior designers and it goes with the room 😊 and thats so hot of them bc i love blue too’

But even thought i couldnt figure it out it stayed in my head and i probably thought about it once a day (i mean this literally, i think about that part all the time) and i cant remember the context for that or anything but i do remember that i knew it was a wonderful phrase.

I’ve mentioned in my other asks how whenever im reading anything at all that you’ve written (whether its tams, or toab, or in the tags of something even if its like 10 words), everything you type comes out so fluidly like a formula or a color wheel or however i put it last time i talked about this. And this is on the prodigious end of the spectrum of this.

But phrases like that are another part of the fic, theyre like the lyrics of the song. Like the phrases that gets all the attention and gets put in fanart and that gets quoted in comment sections because they deserve that recognition and you deserve that recognition and are just a reminder of how incredibly talented you are.

I mean that in the most sincere way that i know how to express.

I am constantly in awe of you and your writing style, and i really do think of you as one of the most talented writers of everything ive ever read.

And something else worth mentioning is that it isnt just your ao3 that portrays that. Like if I were to just read your ao3 I’d be like ‘oh wow this person is an amazing writer’ But your tumblr persona plays into it a lot more (In my opinion). Because then you see like more ‘backround’ stuff on ao3. And more of your system (im not articulating this in the way i mean it very well) and you get privy to the fact that you’re not a 30 year old with a masters in english and that you’ve never had any formal education on writing. I vaguely remember you talking about a story about a sailor (??? i might be misremembering that) that you wrote when you were a child and thinking ‘oh wow so she’s always been like that’. And its stuff like that that you dont get on ao3 that kind of reaffirms how incredible of a writer you are.

And this (to me) makes you a really easy person to admire. (ik i touched on this in a different ask but i dont remember if it was one of my list asks or not) but as someone who probably isnt going to ever be able to get an education around writing, it kind of reassures me that i dont need that to be great at it.

(i kind of feel like a lot of the stuff in this ask is too like ‘simple’ or obvious to be given a lot of weight, but this whole thing is about the kinds of things you do that brings me personally joy and the metaphors are one of them so)

Also on an off note when i was looking through your asks to try to find my tag, I noticed that i send you a heavy percentage of your anonymous asks (mainly without my alias) and I thought that was funny. But also i hope it doesnt come across as obsessive or weird, I swear i do that to a lot of people on here, I’m just a very social person. .😂

Also Im in your tbos server (lurking in the shadows) and someone pointed out that whenever you do the reaction emojis you always do the white ones, and thats going on the official ‘my favorite things about hella’ list because that was genuinely one of the funniest things ive seen.

Also the ‘anytime you type its very fluid (im too lazy to scroll up and see how i put it rn) also carrys on to discord. I think that i could probably block out the user names and be able to figure out that its you talking every time, you have a very distinct way of talking.

Also i wanted to mention that every time you answer these i read them again and i want to say like 1/3 of what i sasy, i have no recollection of. And i never have any idea what im talking about. so i think thats funny.

LIST ANONNNNNNNNNNNNN BAWLING MY EYES OUT HELLO BABY WELCOME BACK FROM WAR IVE MISSED YOU IM JUST HERE LIKE THIS RN

#this is so something i needed to hear rn bc always during exam season i 'lose' my ability to write like even the writing i do get done #just feels so fucking stale and awful imo and i just have to force myself to push through or else ill have a crisis about it #so i started studying in DECEMBER and it's now almost february exams are done but i CANT get out of that mindset for some reason #like ive been in a really bad writing flunk where im ABLE to write but the stuff i do write just feels genuinely terrible #like im losing it about dog teeth atm bc this story i was so in love with just feels so basic and underwhelming on a reread #and idk how much of that is me being insane and perfectionist and how much is valid criticism #so being told that actually there are people who not only enjoy my writing but are so thoroughly convinced it's a fundamental part of me #and something i am inherently GOOD at to the point even the way i talk CASUALLY is telling of it is just. oughhh im pacing my room #and the fact it doesn't HAVE to be my pretentious prose shit sometimes the more 'basic' stuff is STILL good. you're in my walls #i cant believe you're in the discord i hope you say hi!!! i dont bite!!! <- lying #also those assholes can take my silly white emojis from my COLD DEAD HANDS. white thumbs down will never die #ask #list anon

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itsdappleagain · 7 months

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i know csweekly is on hold now, but I still have to catch up on The Luchadora Tango Caper, so here it is!!

Season 3 is maybe my least favorite season out of any of them, but I still love it, so I'm really excited to get into this!

Notes under the cut as always and please ignore the fact that I'm a month late on this thx

NEW CASTLE!!! NEW CASTLE YAYYY

sometimes I think this whole series is Maelstrom just talking about shit for like 14 hours

cleo sympathizing with guys in skirts <3 she knows ur struggle boys

love how they slapped up a giant glowing green world map and copper sulfate burning chandeliers before they put in insulation or heat

brunt, girl, calm down. they were just doing their evil minion bagpipe job

british on british violence

that was such a cute nod when this season first dropped. haha theres been no sign of her all summer because of the hiatus you are so clever

they rlly thought they had something with the turn them against each other thing. i cant believe they thought they tvy7 rating would let shadowsan and carmen kill each other 🙄

"carmen is DEAD" (cheery tango music)

i mean it works because we know hes wrong and stupid but like

no offense but the tango dancers are animated in a way that is reminiscent of a kid manually moving their barbie dolls legs to make them walk

our girl <3

tell me why dropping 200 feet onto the top of the metal detector was more sneaky than literally anything else she could have done

ok. yes. but the fact she is robbing it does not negate the fact that she will be on the news for breaking into a bank dsjfsdghfkdsa

1021 is the number on the box- could it mean something? in a strictly doylist sense. october 21st doesn't seem to have any significant holidays...I can't find anything, might just be a random number set.

good god the "i...have his eyes." hits me like a truck every time

gina pulled it out with the voice acting in this one

she WAS a very cute baby

"another" link girl what else has there been you should be ecstatic

ayyy its the character literally everyone except spintrap-stan and amaryllis solely remember for being voiced by dante basco

i love how snarky carmen immediately gets. if he knows her name and what she looks like, obviously he's an operative, so she gets to have a little fun in immediately declining him while still gaining valuable information, almost immediately, about who he is and what his talent will be

everyone is very stretched today

this is not my favorite fight scene honestly (at least until flytrap gets here. dont even get me started on her fighting style im in love with it) because its literally just like ooh. he kicks. she dodges. wow. they really do try with the tango parallels but idk

wow!! other people can kick too??? who knew

she protected the face

cutely runs into oncoming traffic

those cars were not even slowing down girl they were just like HONK MOVE OR DIE

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS FLYTRAP MY GIRL

okay mini rant incoming i already did a post on this like a billion years ago but flytrap is one of my favorites because in my opinion she and paper star are the most dangerous villains we ever see in the show. let me. try to find that post actually

yeah here it is

flytrap is also so hot and has the same va as luz so she's just top tier. idk if the team put half the episode budget into celebrity voice actors and thats why we only got 5 episodes but you know what

love how carmen is literally stopping her attempts to get free to banter. girl. stop

shadowsan <3

love how they do not even bother showing the fight they just get their asses handed to them

why didnt they start in veracruz just asking

not the table

ok guys. you can stop with the tango thing now. its okay

that little conversation between ivy and shadowsan is so good

comrades??? sir its not the cold war

article from 17 years ago, thank you for that easy to understand slang

carmen plot armored her way out of getting her skull smashed in on that train so hard that she made maelstrom stupid

its canon both in and outside of the show that color theory is so prevalent that any sort of red at all immediately signals carmen

the colors are so beautiful in this scene. carmen doesnt have her coat or jacket on, everythings just a little desaturated as she searches

THE ACME GANG <3333

not the finger guns and glasses wheeze hes such a loser i love him

THE FORESHADOWING TO EGYPT WITH THE PYRAMIDS ON HER LAPTOP!!!!

love how all we get of julia this season is her being pissed off and then leaving

he was such an asshole for closing her laptop why did he do that 😭

has carmen just been ignoring vile missions for the last season of the year to research her mom or

girlie is so sad about everything

ah yes, the door, the thing you wish to have opened, the best place to lean your full body against after you knock,

i'M SOrry. did you NOT attend a school for THIEVES

HSDGGDG HEY. just broke into your house. im your long lost daughter

i love how she goes DONT TOUCH ANYTHING and then immediately drags her whole arm across the wall and cabinet

also her face when she sees the masks is perfect

okay be honest how many of you have replayed carmen saying maybe mommy at least once. who. raise your hands

shes sooo buff

love how everyone is taking this so seriously and then carmen is just completely apathetic about anything thats going on

dont deadname lupe, carmen

her hair catching a gust of indoor wind for the sole purpose of making her look sick as hell in her intro card is so iconic

as ivy absolutely obliterating zack in the foreground is so fucking funny

she got that "EH EH EH." titter of "HEY NO. DONT YOU DO THAT" down scary well

devineaux strutting im sobbing. julia was doing SO well and then she got paired with devineaux AGAIN

that cab driver looks so concerned about the hulking texan in his backseat

remember when the trailer dropped and we thought those roses were for julia. good times

everyone narrowly avoiding each other as they pull in

you just know ivy smacked zack when he protested to decoy time hdsafhadsg

gotta say the "EH?" while getsuring to the trophies is fucking hilarious. obviously julia knows she wouldnt go after those but its so funny

i do love the way carmen just shrinks any time brunt appears. she is soooo traumatized

VAMOOSE EL MASKO SHES SO ACCURATREIUSDHKFSKHFD SHES EXACTLY WHAT MIDDLE AGED AMERICAN SOUTHERNERS SOUND LIKE

LUPE IS SO FUCKING COOL

devineaux showcasing his braincells for a spilt second this episode

ah, so begins the not a good time mantra

devineaux getting absolutely decimated because he thinks coach brunt thinks hes handsome is so funny

the referee watching two apparent civilians enter the ring: 🙂

carmen is so funny here. she uncuffs herself and then just leaves devineaux to die like fuck his ass he can get smooshed

carmen getting increasingly mad at devineaux while she drags him places is my favorite part of the episode

also, either carmen got stronger or devineaux had a few bouts of crazed research where he didnt eat, but she can drag him easily now as opposed to when she was struggling back at the trap in poitiers

they put this shot in the trailer and without context it just looked like carmen was standing there glaring at brunt menacingly

the cat burglar <3

worst fucking ref on the planet i love him

was carmen stopping to listen to julia's voice i would like to think so

ah the devineaux and cars gag. i mean, to be fair, it wasnt his fault this time

starts beatboxing

carmen really just dumped her whole life story on lupe thats so funny. girlie started the day preparing for a match, got her house broken into, and then ended the day learning about a global crime syndicate

they really ended s2 going THE NEXT SEASON WILL FOCUS ON CARMENS MOM and then started s3 going well actually um okay so

theres our transition sentence

lupe's yellow and blue palette btw!! cs color theory i love you

lupe is more of a mom than carlotta ever gets to be thats sad honestly

carmens little smile ough

here is a shot that very succinctly illustrates the dynamics in the coming seasons. the three at the table stand strong- always have. roundy is basically a footnote no one cares about him and then brunt...brunt is sort of on the edge. this carries over all the way into s4 when malestrom tries to drown her

oh my god i forgot about the weird halloween thing the faculty has going on this season i love it

my analysis is right in time for spooky season >:) halloween IS nearly upon us!!!

OKAY well my thoughts on the luchadora tango caper...pretty good. honestly its kind of net zero information because we introduce the premise of finding carmens mom and then immediately abandon it but it sets up um....well....it sets up....what does it set up

anyway- not my favorite episode, even though lupe is fucking awesome. i think it suffers a little from deviating from that classic caper structure and jumping around, but it does its job as an introductory episode.

until we return, sayonara, mon amigos!

#csweekly #carmen sandiego weekly #cs weekly #carmen sandiego

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bicon-crange · 8 months

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can the nosey ones know abt ur crush? :3c dw if not. my condolences (positive)

yeah sure why not i cant stop fucking talking about it anyways.

iiii dont know if its necessarily a crush though!! definitely an obsession. definitely some kind of. fixation. thanks for your condolences i definitely fucking need them. TT-TT )

its like. uh. this person i know whos sooo articulate and smart and. theyre really sweet. yknow BASIC SHIT. theyre great everyone likes them.

anyways when we first started talking it was like. some kinda. there was clashing. i guess is how you could put it? but every time we finished talking i felt soo like. electrified. like buzzing. like my whole body was just shaking. adrenaline? maybe?

i really thought at first that it was just a friendly interest. some sort of.. y'know intellectual thing! you meet someone whos so much smarter than you and whos ideas are so well put together and who thinks YOU'RE interesting and of course you want to know more of how their brain works of course youre. captivated a bit yknow? thats like. normal. to feel. i think.

oh the first couple times we talked i went so nuts! i reread over our convos like a thousand times and reiterated our talks several times to EVERYONE in my house. its so actually embarrassing. but they were good convos you HAAAVE to understand. it was like. ducking weaving. it was like. some sort of mental exercise . and i thought it was like. normal. but it just kept. HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING.

and i tell you what this was a lot easier a month or so ago when i was like I JUST REALLY LIKE TALKING TO THIS PERSON!! ^_^ (<- STILL A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY) cause ugh. lately its like. ever since the thought popped in my head that this interest MIIIGHT be romantic in nature its. ALLLL DAY thinking about them its so nuts! its so constant!! its literally like a fucking DISEASE... i feel like. angry over it? spiteful? almost? it reminds me of when i had a crush on a guy in elementary school and I didnt know how to handle it so i beat the hell out of him with a lunch box.

like im over here forgetting shit left and right and messing up basic conversation skills and having heart palpitations and theyre like. fine probably. iiii honestly dont think they even think about me lol. i mean definitely not as much as i am,easy, because im totally insane and obsessive i know this.

we also dont talk so much! its not very often! so yeah im sure they dont think about me as much. im even definitely sure if i ever verbalized this it wouldnt work out. ive visualized them turning me down like 20 different ways for 20 different reasons just today. lots of reasons yknow! im mentally unwell and totally nuts, im immature and also very ugly im unable to carry out a meaningful relationship because of my chronic pain problems and various health issues, all of that is fine but my obsessive nature is really freaky,LD relationships are a no-go, they just dont like me that way, ect ect ect.

its sooo stupid. its SO middle school. they type a response to me and i can barely look at the screen. i feel SO fucking stupid its insane. im like. going to claw my eyes out of my head and chew on them till they burst. i hate it here. and its never going to be reciprocated whatsoever so im literally not even going to try.

BESIDES Y'KNOW!! I DONT EVEN KNOW FOR SURE IF THATS WHAT IM FEELING!! its been wracking my brain for a week straight!! its like. am i just fascinated on an intellectual level, am i just interested in an anthropological sense, are these just really good conversations, if this just normal friendship and im making things super weird? am i just excited that someone seems to get what im saying about what im interested in? yknow. dumb.

either way TLDR; im waiting for it to pass. either I'll sort my own feelings out or itll pass! if its infatuation, GOOD, that has a expiration date of 1-2 years so i will just box it up and not think about it and not do anything about it. ^_^ )9 and it WILL die. BUT if you know how to force that process to go along faster let me KNOW.

#FR GENUINELY IF ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO FORCE THIS TO PASS. LMK.#LIFE IS CURRENTLY BEING RUN BY THIS SHIT AND I WOULD REALLY PREFER TO DO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE

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transdib · 4 months

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i feel like this year has been a huge bust mentally

i didnt wanna be like this still by christmas, let alone the new year

i dont want it to become march and im still like this, a whole year since moving by then.

but i can feel myself improving, funny enough.

ive spent a lot of this time in despair and grief, and i was giving myself a time limit on those feelings. which made me unable to meet my own expectations, which made me recede and become unable to challenge myself, because i wsa constantly setting myself up for failure to begin with. it feels impossible to do a challenge youre already failing before you begin.

and i have been self aware this whole time too, having that logical part of me talk me through it all. i can look back at myself almost in a third person, as ive always done, and see all the connections as to why im feeling and therefore behaving this way.

so instead of sitting around punishing myself, ive been /trying/ to tell myself theres no time limit on adjustment, and that i am strong enough to pull through. even if i come out of this being disliked. ive put so much energy into being anxious about what people think of me, that ive caused my own cycle of not being able to face it.

i have been acutely aware this whole time that others can only do so much for me, and in the end the only person who can change my situation is me. for me to find that inner strength to do that.

i feel like a lot of the noise has quietened down now. because i had to suddenly grapple with not only accepting my old life was changing, but that i had to suddenly build up a brand new life from scratch with very little support. but the life building in england is finally feeling...like i can do it. things feel less confusing and daunting, the roads feel less scary to navigate, i know where to go for what i need now, and ive been falling into daily routines again. which i didnt have when i first arrived. it's like my roots are finally burying in. and thats making incorporating my aussie roots back into my life feel a bit more doable.

i WANT to have voice chats with friends, or have a casual hello. i dont want to be like this. having a twisted tummy and palpitating heart every time i see a new notification on my phone. i havent even cleared my notif bar on my phone for months, out of fear of seeing a message i havent checked from so long ago. there is so much literal and mental clutter. and i want to be free of all of these notifs and emails etc. its not anyones fault but mine. i WANT to be more engaged, i feel homesick and miss everyone. and i HATE that those feelings dominate my behaviour, and how EASY it is to fall into a self fulfilling prophecy. i hate how it makes me a neglectful friend and family member.

but, with therapy, and settling into my life here. i think i can slowly work my way up to getting over all of this. i really. really. REALLY. fucking want to. i want to draw again, i want to learn how to sculpt, i want to be involved in peoples lives again. because right now, im finding it hard to even humour the idea of making friends here in the uk, because of how guilty that would make me feel, and how not ready i am to make new connections, especially cuz i would rather reinforce connection with existing people in my life.

again. self fulfilling. all that does is make me continue to be lonely.

but as i said, it's slowly getting better. i feel bad about how negative ive been all this time. i just want people to know that, in regards to my relationship, i AM happy. and i know that 10 years from now im going to look back on all of this with evren and go "fuck man that was a lot huh"

you cant hate yourself into loving yourself, and thats something that has kept my spark going, even when it's been one bad thought away from fizzling out.

im trying to be easier on myself. i know that all of this can exist at the same time as me having negative effects on others (which i guess is just an assumption to begin with) and i am not immune to causing that damage. but honestly? right now in this moment, im trying to give myself some compassion and lenience. because ive spent years and years feeling anxious and being hyper vigilant about my behaviour and how i affect others, that i have barely taken the time to consider myself and be healthy and strong in my core self. as they say, assume the best unless told otherwise. thats going to be a goal of mine. i always assume good intentions from people, even to a detriment, so i hope to take that view and shape it into a healthier outlook. maybe not everyone has their best intentions or insight, but i think overall people are just trying. god, in this goddamn fucked up world, all we can do is try.

and thats why i need to be more lenient.

sorry for all the tangents and sloppy execution. im probably in the acceptance stage of grief atm lmao, and im tired of being like this.

#life of doge #negative but also positive idk

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hailieshapedbox · 1 year

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my younger cousin has a lot of mental health issues and its really affecting everyone in the house n we dont know how to help him help himself/: its a bit tormenting on everyone. ive tried to help a lot but i had to stop bc it was affecting my mental health and he started be really mean, now i see why everyone has to minimize how much they can help and be around. i just gotta vent real quick though bc i cant take this sometimes. my uncle missed his psych appointment with his main dr. twice and had me reschedule it bc his assistants that fuck everything up, had it all fucked up. i made my uncle buy a whiteboard to keep track of all his shit bc i have enough projects for myself, i texted him multiple times throughout the week about the appointment and helped with other reminders on top of other things for his business (and his friends jewelry start up). i texted him the day before and the day before that about the appointment, i put a post it note on the coffee maker that his friend just let fall aside and got coffee all over (but still it was right on the counter), and he still woke me up to ask me what time it was at and even had the nerve to tell me to get ready in an hour to “help get him going and get him over there”. bruh i went back to sleep, i was up for 2 hours tryna sleep laying there like a dead fish or whatever they say n barely got a couple hours. ive told him so many times ive been dealing with insomnia and he just thinks everyone has trouble sleeping and doesnt understand n ive told him im underweight and how i have no energy and its like nobody ever hears me when i ask for help. hes woken me up probably 10x now n i started hurting myself tbh bc my peace was being too intruded. i got handle and control of that though, i dont wanna hurt myself you know. but only coping method that ever helped. whatever when i got up i did knock on my cousins door n ask if he heard his dad and i texted him bc he didnt say anything. i went to go work out. when my uncle got home he saw me working out and tried to get me to go with and ik its only bc he wants me to sit in the office so he can nap in the car. i even made a joke about it and he agreed laughing and went to go take a nap. instead of going to tmobile to get this kid a new sim card that hes been needing and begging for for going on two months. lmao bruh i try

this was just one morning i could write books of diary entries accumulating my emotions but i dont have time for that tbh im procrastinating n finally writing out bc i just want this week to be over i want it to be monday i want it to be next month when my brothers getting here and my mom comes over and imma make ed come back in town.

idk if yall noticed but until valentines day, i hadnt posted anything the entire month of february. took this long being single to realize valentines day is my favorite holiday and i couldnt missy opportunity to share my heart. i even posted on iG for the first time in like a year. i love love, its all i am, its all i need.

ive had so many post ideas too, but everyone is asking so much of me. its crazy because a few months ago i fucking begged the universe for more responsibility and god damn did i get it, im really trying hard to manage and stay aligned any way i can. im getting close to getting really good. im tryna get there so soon bc i see it through so clear but i just cant. even stopped drinking and cut back on weed a bit bc i just dont have time for it.

i had a whole other thing to rant about and i could have so many others, does kinda help to vent it especially writing. i forgot what it was once i started writing about valentines day and happier things. its funny how easy it is to flow into different emotions, yet so hard to control that and discipline that. even when i then after put myself into my happiest spaces, just doesnt always work. thats why when i see the opportunity for happiness i take it and thats why i dont get stuck on things easy, i hate stagnacity (wrote a song about that the other day). not easily influenced, but easily inspired. music actually usually does it. well imma go see if it still smells like campfire in the shower n do that or something else productive n try to make the most of whats left of the day. fuck i usually post this kinda stuff in the middle of the night so not to many people see it, i try not to be a bother or negative. love you all always

#hailieshapedbox

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felivi2763 · 1 year

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i miss beyblade (a metal top toy flavoured rant)

DISCLAIMER: i am an idiot, take everything i say here with a grain of salt. feel free to attack me as you see fit. ok bai

i miss when beyblade metal fusion first started airing on cartoon network. just something about how all the toy shelves were lined with beyblades from the show, its a sight that would let me sleep easy at night if i knew that dark bull was still on store shelves. just walking into a local target with my brother, picking up a Galaxy Pegasus W105R2F, looking at all the flashy artwork on the back. then when i got home i could unbox the bey, feel the pristine condition of the rubber performance tip, apply the stickers on the bey and launcher (and try not to mess it up), then i could use the lil code card to play online at beybladebattles.com. and then i would always spin the bey onto the tiled floor and watch it just kinda move slowly bc i didnt get a stadium until like 6 months later. idk its the kinda sensation that cant really be replicated today with beyblade burst and its 17 different subseries. or maybe im just mad that they got rid of the high quality metal tops for cheaper plastic ones hell if i know.

in my opinion (i legally cant have opinions bc i own lego rockband ds), i kinda like the characters from the metal series better than burst, but thats probably just nostalgia fog. ill probably rewatch both series at some point, but the fact that beyblade is pretty much dead here in americaland doesnt help matters.

at least beyblade burst always stuck to tops, though. beyblade split into all sorts of other things after metal fury, like beywheelz, beyraiderz, beywarriors, and also all the weird lil beyblades that you couldnt take apart like all the others, like the rc beys, light up beys, sfx beys, and the tornado beys. but even then that deviates from the classic formula and makes it interesting. beyblade burst doesnt really do that as far as i can tell, besides making the beys slightly bigger.

thats kinda why the classic beyblade series died off, though. they were too busy seeing if they could and not stopping to wonder if they should. if they stuck to the original formula, that would get boring after a while, but beyblade burst showed that there still is a market for the original spinning top formula. maybe if they were able to bring back a classic resurgence for like an anniversary (15th anniversary coming in May 2025) or something like that, beyblade would become relevant again, and i stand by that.

its probably a farfetched concept, though. the higher ups at hasbro probably see beyblades as just a way to sell spinning tops, endlessly trying to put more gimmicks onto, "the MOST powerful beyblade yet!", all in an attempt just to try and make a quick buck. it just doesn't seem feasible with a company like that at the reigns, i really dont think they would care about doing some type of legacy content like that (i know that beyblade legends was a legacy release that they did in 2014, and that line is great, i have a few of the beys from there, looking to make a full collection someday, i just wanna see these lil dinkers on target shelves again).

also something i wanted to mention, but i recently found out a couple of months ago while searching for beyblade video games that there was an original beyblade manga and anime and toy line before metal fusion. i wanna try and see what thats all about, and maybe try and pick up some metal fusion manga while im at it.

tl;dr: i miss the good ol days of beyblade, and i want them to bring it back. pls target and hasbro and wbba

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blazingstarship · 2 years

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Free gush pass, talk about Yusei >:33

OH MY RA TH-THANKS💖💖

Okay I just jwjdkekmd gonna typ and just see what happen. Prepare for a novel…

Lets see him yeah Yusei, just like the meaning behind is name like it got explained in the series too and think is need. Also he smart like so smart and sometimes Im like he super smart I kinda feel dumb next to him tho he just put it like “Hey you are smart! Im just a nerd.” And he knows that will put a smile on my face as he continued that everyone is smart in their own way and he is proud of what I have accomplished.

Uhmm blue. Gosh I love this blue shirt of him like so freaking much like bless bless they give him this shirt its my favorite fancy shirt to see him in and he knows how much I like blue. Tho its not “physical impossible” I love blue roses, lots like so much with as second peony’s and galaxy petunia’s (they remind me of yusei’s eyes). Tho every flower Yus gets me makes me swoon but one day he offered me a red rose. I was such a confused mess he never gave a red one ever. “Well red ones stands for love and I though it was the perfect time to give you one.” What a cute baka.

Talking about blue. I just uhm oh I try not to get into vent but like ever compared a duel monster which will suit yourself? Well Yusei tried to be funny when I asked what duel monster I reminded him of (hoping for a powerful nice monster, idk maybe Stardust high hopes hehe). He just answered winged kuriboh….”Why?”

Cause my bed hair reminded him of a kuriboh and to be a little sappy just “and the wings cause of your *pidge days back in satellite.”

*a pidge was a person to bring the illegal goods people request to get outside satellite.

Great I was the Judai 2.0 (no offense Judai is my spirit animal) but he could have said “like Silver Midnight or spark like Solar Blaze…” oh yeah the living dream. Kuri kuri. Cant complain to the guy cause his life line is “there is no useless card”…

“You asked me what card reminded me of you and it was Winged Kuriboh.”

“Yeah…so?”

“You never asked what card value me of you.”

“Is there a difference in that?”

“Yes. Cause you mean to me as much as Stardust Dragon. You are like the Blue Eyes White Dragon to me, you are three in a thousands, millions of cards.”

“Omg Yus…thats so cheesy.”

“Yeah but you love it.”

“Im a mess right now. Im the winged kuriboh worth like a blue eyes white dragon. I cant stop smiling.”

“Now Im curious, what monster do I remind you of?”

“Oh easy. Junk Kuriboh. Kuri Kuri.”

“Arent you hilarious.”

“But with the heart of a warrior. So kinda Kuriboh the Junk Warrior.”

“You just made that up.”

“Yes! Means you are ultra rare cause no one has the card.”

“Sappy.”

“You are my tuff warrior.”

You know what else is cute? Yusei trying to pronounce words in my language gosh thats so darn cute. (I was the first one who said “I love you”…in dutch…cause I didnt want him to know cause it was really early and the moment felt like that and I started saying it anytime I left him as a secret reminder he is loved…without him actual knowing what I said.)

When he found out what I was saying all this time he was “So any time we said goodbye, any time we aparted or on the phone…you said you love me!?”

“….yes?”

He was a mess. He uhm couldn’t speak or even look at me for minutes.

“Ya okay?”

“I am trying to remember when you started saying it.”

“Two months after our date at the parking tower…on a thuesday…you worked on the new module for the WRGP…I had picked up me the repaired laptop for school…it was before Marco picked up the parts that werent usefull anymore for the prototype engine…”

“That long ago!?”

“I guess so.”

“Ik hou van jou.”

“YUSEI! Dont say that so suddenly!”

“You think I haven’t practiced?”

What more what more.

I have some cheesy petnames I like to call Yusei in a loving mood like Yubear. I love plushies, snuggled and with plushies you can snuggle. So a teddybear and Yusei….Yubear💖 I love hug him and snuggle up to him and just get so relaxed if he let me. Another petname is Moppie💖 Moppie is just a dutch version of bae or honey or sweety…but specially Moppie cause of his mop of hair, when I ruff it and kiss him on his cheek and call him my sweet Moppie💖 also babe…cause hes a babe💖

#❤️our future is written in the stars #✨blazing answers #✨kenna tag #THANK YOU FOR THE ASK GUSH PASS!!!#it really turned into a novel i cant whoops🙈

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drowsystarlight · 2 years

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Jasmine for the même

Jasmine: my god i have a lot . There is SO MUCH . I used to be an avid reader but now all the books i want to read are in a pile bc a character death in the Lorien Legacies series fucking KICKED MY ASS and now i havent picked up since uhhhh maybe 10th grade??? LMAO anyway RAMBLING TIME

Books

1) My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga . I actually really loved this shit and hid in class to read this book, I’d literally take any free time I have to pop this shit open and keep reading. It had dark themes tho (tw for suicide and depression basically) and i was a little kid who’d take any book i liked the plot of TO READ and this one was 👍👍👍 amazing. Described dark things and depression really well, it’s easy to feel for the characters and they felt real!! However I won’t read it again bc 1) while i found this really good when I read it like years ago, I dont like it now bc it put Romance in a place it was like,,,, kinda bleh to put ?? I mean romance is great but the ending kinda used it as a cure all lmao 2) it was SO DEPRESSING and it was hard to read bc its SO GOOD but my god i cant go through that again holy shitballs its like bridge to terabithia all over again

2) Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson . i dont think i gotta explain why im never reading or watching this shit again bc its so good but its notorious for emotionally beating up its readers into a pulp LMAO

3) The Fall of Five (Lorien Legacies #4), Pittacus Lore . This . THIS . THIS MADE ME STOP READING FOR YEARS BC IT HURT TOO MUCH!!!!! I HATE THAT MOTHERFUCKER PITTACUS LORE i swear when i find out who the fuck that is im going to rattle them wih my belt for doing MY BOY DIRTY !!!! I SWEAR IT !!!! Great books but my FAVE IS DEAD !!!!! GRRRGRGRGGRGRGGRGFRGRFRGRGG

4) Percy Jackson and the Olympians, The Heroes of Olympus, both series by Rick Riordan . I love them and I will give my life to this series bc its my favorite book series EVER but I have college and freelance work now so i cant reread 10 books like i used to (I read both of those in like a MONTH so i was really a beast ,,,, sighs i miss the good ol days)

5 Harry Potter . Why ? Fuck jk rowling

Shows

1) 13 reasons why . First of all I think they fucked this up by making more than two seasons . Like one season is Not Enough and having the second is A Stretch But Acceptable BUT also really obviously for just for the money imo . Like girl we get it hannah died and clay didnt get to use Love as a cure all for her unlike the book above by jasmine warga !!!! Ok !!! So the tapes r the final stories !! Cool !!! Amazing content wow i do not give a shit about bryce walker tho . I just hate how it lost the whole Hey this is about Clay or Hannah thing the longer it went and it turned from a good angsty show to like uh . Whatver i didnt watch the 3rd season lmao . Also the last ep in the first season was VERY TRIGGERING for me i actually had to skip that shit and sit a while bc of how graphic it was 💀💀💀 i expected mentions of suicide but not ACTUAL scenes of ot w blood and all my god

2) Steven universe . Idk it was great but ive associated it with someone i do not want anything to do with anymore so its more Personal but also . I kinda think the ending sucked . Wow lets have a bath party with the gems instead of address that this giant dysfunctional family of four has killed so many !!! Sure why not !!! I loved the movie tho lmao spinel has my heart

I think thats it unless i forgot one LMAO but anyway thanks polks this made me want to read again ,,, damn

#neeks inbox #ask game #WHOOOOOOO things i love but will not consume again ever #my heart and other black holes #steven universe #13rw #harry potter #percy jackson #lorien legacies #does the lorien legacies even have a fandom #holy shit #its giving Tumbleweeds for that series damn #and its so surprising bc its a Lot like percy jackson !!!!

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self-h-rmageddon · 2 months

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i feel. like bad? i need to get it off my chest!!!!

soo. okay i

i avoided my friends for like.. almost a month i guess. 22 days, the only reason i know that is cuz she counted. i didnt think she would, and i feel.. so much conflict. im avoidant when she brings it up, i dont wanna talk about it cuz i know she wont like what i have to say

she got drunk one night, like *really* drunk and she shared with me some pretty real feelings she probably wouldnt have otherwise. it hurt me, but i know she was hurting too. she *insisted* i speak about it, like. VERBALLY, anyone who knows me knows i fall short there. i

things have just been the way that they were for so long, i guess when it changed it was jarring maybe? ive been the loser. we're all losers, but i was the only one in my entire friend group who didnt have other friends outside of said friend group, but now i do!! and it makes me feel so happy, that i have so many friends i love so dearly yknow? but it makes me feel bitter that she doesnt like that

do you know how embarrassing it was? anytime i THOUGHT i had something good, id go and ramble happily about someone who i didnt realize id be LOSING in the next few months. embarrassing, shameful! but not this time

i guess me talking about it made her feel scared, but it upset me, because she got really upset when i told her i love all my friends equally.. i guess she didnt wanna hear that someone i met less than a year ago could be someone i love as much as her, which i get. i get how it sounds, but its not like that!! i love them UNIQUELY. she brings me things they dont, they bring me things she doesnt, im content and balanced and thankful for all of it

i handled it. poorly, i feel like i handled it poorly but i dont blame myself too much, im not known for this skill i guess. she started crying and it? it was like a joke at first but she was emotional cuz of the alcohol and it very quickly became not a joke, its the first time ive like.. heard her cry? and i felt bad that it was my fault and i really dont know how to comfort someone like that, its not a social skill i have upfront!!! over text its easy to collect my thoughts, but verbally? too much mental energy is being used on holding a conversation alone. but i also dont feel bad because its not WRONG for me to love my friends equally, i dont blame her for how she felt ofc

i didnt think i mattered so much to her, i guess. but she told me about it, and it made me... uncomfortable. like, TERRIBLY uncomfortable. thats why i did it, why i started focusing somewhere else. i came back suddenly, they were in the middle of playing a game and it felt so.. alien? like. it made me feel sick, this is my HOME and i felt like a stranger almost. i know 22 days isnt so long, but. idk, ive tried to keep in better contact, we are playing the games now, as we should!! but the truth is that after knowing it hurt her when i talked about my other friends, i just.. stopped talking about them, but i do things with them EVERYDAY, thats my day!! if i cant talk about them, i have nothing to say i guess

its bittersweet, ive sorta gotten back to being the unhinged loser they enjoy having around ig but i still dont talk as much as before, i dont want to because i dont wanna hurt her yknow? im HAPPY. im happy, so happy

she said she felt ashamed feeling the way she did, said she hates that shit but its still how she feels, i dont blame her. honestly?? its giving bpd like MY PERSONAL OPINION... with the way she described how she felt about me, i think shes one of us but. that adds a whole other layer, the discomfort i felt, is that how i make people feel? when im obsessed with them? when i feel like i cant exist without them? it feels so wrong to say things like this, shes my best friend, ive known her for years.. its just. we dont do emotions, i guess? and i think thats wrong of me cuz she expressed that she wanted it like that, she wanted to be open and vulnerable, and i didnt like it!!! we can do it over text sure, but.. sit and talk with me? she dmed me the other day saying like 'dommm we should vc, i wanna get drunk and have therapy again while you give me good advice'. i ignored her text, on purpose. usually its NEVER on purpose, if i dont respond you can bet like 100% i clicked the message, read it and then went back to what i was doing because i was distracted, or i have a really bad tendency of THINKING my replies and not actually sending them and being like yep. social interaction well done. but no, i ignored it on purpose. anytime she asks us "guys, yes or no..." i say no, cuz i know the question is if she should drink or not. i know she'll still drink anyways, i just leave early, pretend my new sleep schedule is the reason why, pretend im tired because it makes me uncomfortable still

im not good at it!!! i cant give her what she needs like THAT.. i cant have her sit there and tell me all her problems and cry, i CANT because i dont know how to handle it! like i genuinely have no idea how to handle that at all. over text i could probably manage just fine, but she wanted me to sit there, wanted my camera on and everything.. i felt like i really? i mean i TRIED, i did my best, i listened to her, i can always do that.. the problem is she wants advice, you will not get advice from me if im forced to physically speak. so i just feel like i let her down, yknow? i dont know

ive backed myself into a corner probably, im too scared to be open cuz she tends to forget the things she says when shes drunk, so maybe she doesnt remember telling me how she feels about me? i guess theres an added layer of discomfort, because like. when we were 18 i think? she drunkenly confessed that she had a crush on me and it felt really.. ive never seen her differently for that, you can absolutely trust. shes my best friend and i never pushed her away despite those feelings, i just had to tell her i didnt feel the same and it never came up again, and we've been fine! but, knowing how she feels about me now? it makes me uncomfortable because of that, its hard to describe. idk its a lot of mixed feelings!!!! nothing i could ever tell her, probably

and it made me feel horrible for all the times ive ever talked fondly about my friends, or the times i was breaking down so badly over them that i had no choice but to cry and wail in my channel, knowing literally only one of them probably would respond (which was true, they talked me thru it a little bit). thats where our emotional talk ends. i dont want to be emotional with someone i know physically, it stresses me out!!!! yes i love you so much, you are my entire world!! ill kiss yr hair and hands and we can cuddle, we can spend a whole day together and go out to eat, we can sit at home and play games, we can do all of it! but.. online its easy, im words on a screen. physically?

i hate to feel GUTTED. i hate feeling vulnerable, i hate feeling EXPOSED. that first time i went to therapy for fucking GENDER DYSPHORIA and our first session was *wasted*, wasted because i had to tell my mom that i wanted to kill myself. sinking in my stomach. all those times ive had traumatic response to them fighting, the fucking scars because of that, the times my family have seen the scars. IM TIRED imf ucking tired, i hate to feel that way. i hate being exposed i hate having my heart on display i hate it all!!! i hate someone knowing something about me, i wont let myself be pressured into sharing trauma and details, i want it SECRET. share yr trauma with me, thats FINE, but its like. idk i wanted that call to end to fast, it was completely out of my comfort zone and i feel GUILTY for that. im averse to change, i really hate change actually. i made a whole post talking about our dynamic and how i adored it, and then it was sorta flipped on its head? i stopped playing that little dragon game on roblox cuz i was playing that while we were talking and anytime i fly around looking for chests, the memory of that conversation comes back to me. i want to forget

we fit like a glove, we're back to how we always have been when we talk, but.. she mentioned it the other day. thats how i knew i was avoidant for 22 days, she told me she counted. i felt bad, cuz i hoped she wouldnt notice. i couldnt think of anything to say, other than "well.. i was monster hunting idk man" and she sounded upset with me when i said it. we moved on quickly but. im not made for that. what did she want me to say? whatever she wanted, i clearly didnt say it. idk i just feel lost, feel stuck and the worst thing?

i dont want to be exposed to anyone but them. like THATS the thing, maybe if i didnt have them then id be fine with it, but.. it makes me uncomfortable, feels like betrayal. they can see that side of me, no one else can because i dont WANT anyone else to. i trust them, i feel safe enough to be vulnerable around them, its a big step for me and one that i dont take lightly. its not her fault i dont feel safe, and lord knows i trust her!!! its just.. different. opening up is hard, i feel more.. understood? i guess you could say. idk its just. hard to describe. i love my friends so much, but my friendships are all UNIQUE and thats why i love them. talking to either is fulfilling!!! incredibly, in very different ways but still!

idk it just sucks i guess, it makes me sad that me talking about my happiness is a sore spot for her, ive never been happier in my whole life!!! but i know it probably hurts her that it wasnt her that gave me that happiness. theres nothing i can do about that!! she makes me happy in another way, one exclusive to her. we are so sillay in vc, its FUN i have so much fun with her, but i think that.. maybe by telling her that a while ago, i fucked up. i shouldnt have told her she was my BEST best friend, i shouldnt have i just get.. natural tendency to tell people what they want, avoid conflict.

it feels like it established an accidental conflict, one no one else knows about. did i make her think i loved her more than my friend? or my other friend? like it makes me sick, but you cant just BACK TRACK. i cant just say actually? like i love them also yknow. cuz that would hurt her probably, its like im fucked no matter what!!! sure we ahve good chemistry in vc, the best chemistry in that whole friend group when vcing, but? i used to refer to one of them as my spouse like. MUTUALLY, we were married platonically okay. the other one? i love him so much hes so silly and . GRGR like. i just hate this idea, but its all my fault it exists. no backbone. i love my friends EQUALLY. i have a lot of love to give everyone, it would hurt me so badly if i wasnt loved equally, thats why i love the way i do. i even told her, im INSISTENT with it. i refuse to love inequally, it would hurt people and i hate that!!! but. i hurt her regardless, its. IDK man its a lot im just airing this out, she'll never see this, none of them will. good

we can move on from this, we mostly already have. im just scared i might have to put my foot down a bit, and tell her that it made me uncomfortable, i dont want to put her in that situation but if we get there then we get there. we'll be okay im sure

#this is super long im just. need it out #idk how much sense this is making but #its. the whole thing is really mixed and complex alright its like neither of us is in the right #but neither of us is inherently wrong its #too much for my brain unfortunately

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love13579 · 2 years

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by a thread

so i am hanging on by a thead. i have burned all my bridges... meaning that i ruined relationships with my family... so i have burned the bridges that in the past have always been there for me... after my ex, the bridges started failing one by one... after a almost fatal encounter with pills and alcohol, i after the hospital started to shut down mentally, i was seeing how my family lost trust and respect and well everything with me and turned away from me.. i than had to make matters worse by texting my aunt a horrid message to her telling her the truth in a horrible way, but i never meant to hurt her at all, but in a way i really did... i feel awful... i burned so many bridges that i am hanging on the last bridge the remaining part of the bridge which is a thread, i am hanging on this tiny piece of thread but all the weight i am carrying the thread is thinning very quickly... i am sort of glad i burned all the bridges maybe than they wont have to endure pain of losing someone they wish they never see again... i hope the thread i am hanging on by snaps... i than will fall and be free from this body... this body i despise so much cuz of all the trauma, the body of being used, the body who had no respect, no love, no trust, nothing... maybe thats why its been so easy for men to hurt me... my body has had enough... i wish my family that doesn't want me around them and wishes me to be happy and move on and be grateful to be super nice to the help... but they don't realize that behind all that rude bitchy cruelness there is a scared little girl that wished she could be saved, but yet the little girl is too scared of the help cuz she grew up hearing the words "respect your elders" the little girl with autism took that too literally and ended getting hurt to the point her life seems less than even scum on the Earth... she does not believe in herself at all and all she wants is for her family to be safe and happy even if it means she isnt part of it... she thinks her families lives would be better off without her... all that she brings is drama after drama... no one can see all she has sacrificed for all the years... she lost herself in just trying to protect them... she rather have had to suffer alone than bring anyone into it... since she opened up all that has happened has been drama after drama and it got worse to the point where her family couldnt handle her... all she wanted was her family to be safe... she thought that if the bad things happened to her, it wouldnt happen to her family, cuz if life hurt her family like it did her, she wouldnt know what to do... she would do anything to lessen it, even if it meant killing her... as long as they werent harmed she was good... its how she made it okay.. made all the molestation and sexual assault okay... cuz to her it was and is okay cuz it didnt go to my family... i stopped it from getting to my family in a sense... she never wanted to hurt her family she just is rude and cruel and bitchy for in her reason is cuz of the fact that she lets it out... lets out all the pain without in her mind causing physical damage like it done her... she wishes to have never told anyone anything... maybe if she never spoke none of this shit would have happened her and her family would be good together... no fucked up drama, just her usual family drama that can take a dive in the deep end of drama at times but never can ruin the relationship...

my family doesnt see the little girl struggling to even process her trauma little by little, to her its gonna be a long time till im even ready to be in a normal way of society, to her family she is taking forever to get better when she should have been better and great months ago... they cant see that the girl is processing a quarter of a million things of trauma in just three months and is learning to just calm it down without her from crying and screaming... they cant see that she cant sleep at all until after 5 am cuz she thinks she will have a dick in her any hole that the lord created wake her up choking in fear... so she stays up till 5 and after sleeps a while... the pills to help her sleep do its job but leave her waking up in fear cuz she slept... to her sleeping can ruin her even more, she knows shes not with him but still after months still cant go to sleep normally... they dont see the pain they dont see the fear they dont see anything all they see is what they want to see... which is the girl better and happier and not being cruel to her family, but doesnt see everything... she misses them and will always worry and care for them, to them they think she is self centered and that the world revolves around her, the girl knows that is far from the truth... but her family doesnt...

all she got was her family to basically throw her out, when they should go easy on her and be gentle... to the girl its her exes fault she turned out this way, and it is also her fault for hurting her own family, she wished her ex and her never met... but no... her family is done with her... all she had to do was be cruel and they were like bye... not like see ya when your in a better mood... yes the girl is pissed and gets angry and takes it out on people close to her.... but its rather than the alternative which is cutting... she doesnt want to self sabotage herself and dig further into her own hell... she wants to be better.... her family could have been like she is just acting out... which i am.. but it is understandable.... but they wont understand it... i wish they could but its okay.... they are better off without me..

#complex ptsd #abuse survivor #child molestation #rapesurvivor #pain #vent blog #vent post #mental health #i’m scared

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creatorloveralchemist · 2 years

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I Got My Heart Broken A Year Ago, 06/21/22

techinically a year ago tomorrow :3

but, its something i remembered. A year ago, he told me that he and his family were moving into a house. It shattered my heart. I was just so disappointed that he got himself into another commitment with her. i just didnt know what it meant for us. (i was right in a way because they were doing really good when they first moved in) I was worried that this meant that i would not see him so much anymore... looking back, i dont even remember if i spent enough time with him or not. i think he came to the house a lot because of his job, he was getting out late.

fast forward a year later and they’re in a bad place. us too. Im day dreaming more and more about leaving. but im worried that i will never be happy no matter what, because i never am. so why does it matter if i leave or not, if i will be sad either way? at least i would still have him, even though its hard.

I feel the rose colored glasses coming up. ive put myself through a lot for him, in the name of love. he really is just an ordinary guy that i learn to love everything about. I think in can love anyone like that because that is a testament to my heart. i think he loves me because of how i make him feel and how easy i made it for him to love me because im not asking for anything in return. like im accepting the bare minimum and im all sprung so thats good enough. I feel a lot of resentment slowly growing towards him and i’m always a split second from leaving.

this was someone who i was completely in love with a few months ago. i used to worry so much that i would never be with him, and now im seeing how it might be best if we dont.

ive been worrying all weekend that I have nothing to offer and ill never get married. and tonight im realizing that i will benefit a lot if i never do.

i am 100% sure it is his drug use. He’s become distant and cold. he spent all weekend getting high with his friends. he’s just not the same anymore.

my mom once told me that she had a bf once and they were supposed to hang out one night. she hit him up and he blew her off and said he was going to chill with his friend. she said fine then stay with your friend and went out dancing. that was the night she met my dad.

i want love. I dream of love. I long for a romance that ignites passion in me. i still hold on to that feeling and that way i will always have it. my love is only attached to me.

#twinflame journal

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seokmatthewz · 4 years

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#why am i so unlikeable like i wanna know #like sure im not the nicest but god being on this site has shown that that clearly isn't a huge factor in not being liked :/#like i have begun to viciously force away any romantic feelings i have for anyone because the last two times ive been broken up with #it was because i like. bored the people into it i guess :/#same goes for friends my best friend for 8 years a few months ago just texted me saying she didnt want to be my friend anymore #and like. sure fine but. it was so abrupt?? and through text of all fucking things #like god fuck i know im not that likeable but at least im trying to fucking put in the effort like you didnt #not to even fucking mention my ex who ********* ** ***** ** ** **** **** ** when we broke up #and then * **** ** *** **** ** ***** ** ** *** **** ** *** **** *** *** ******* ***** ******* ***** ***** ** ****** *** **** ***** ** *****#if u want the uncensored version and we're friends u can dm me i just dont want it out there but like #am i really that easy to abandon?? am i really worth that little #or is there just a part of me thats inherently unlikeable #like i know im too blunt and kinda self centered and i need too much attention and im not pretty #but fuck dont i have any good qualities that outweigh those??? i used to think i did but now im really not sure #like fuck i only have two genuine friends what if i just up and get dropped by them all of a sudden #what am i gonna fucking do then #fuck im so fucking upset why cant i be likeable and have friends and just chill and have a good fucking time pretending people like me #fuck fuck fuck #dl #dont reblog

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binkszamsstuff · 2 years

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Call me baby

Summary: you work in a night club as a waitress some how the most unwanted and unexpected happen. With a mob boss who's enchanted by you too a man ready to murder.

This story is set in the late 1960s, old Hollywood aesthetic blah blah.

Warnings: smut! Dark! Soft steve Rogers dark! Soft bucky barnes, anal sex (Male and male) pet names (baby, pretty baby, angel baby ect...), mention of pregnancy, kidnapping, mention of sex, Stockholm syndrome, . That's all I think?😤😵🤷‍♀️

Pairings: dark!stucky x virgin! Innocent! Sweet reader. (Steve and bucky are lovers as well. They had a pre-established relationship before they brought reader in.)

Part two!!

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

The cloudy sky that blocked the light from The stars and the moon making the road hard to see. The air had a damp drizzle to it, your work uniform on as you speed walked into the building.

Tonight was going to be long. Your boss/friend Mr. Barnes it having a private party you have to work tonight. You amble through the night club. Making your way to the changing room putting your bag in your locker you quickly make you way to the private room.

In the room theres a round stage in the middle a pole stood in the center, the woman with no top on was warming up -miss natty they called her. She had long red hair that was flat and shiny, that would swing when she moved. She was the best out of all the dancers the men called her 'easy on the eyes' but her beauty was more then that. Like a million stars with golden rings, she was the most gorgeous girl you had ever seen. She was nice too, she helped you out all the time.

You and her were some what of friends. You knew why she was here, Mr. Barnes would only have miss natty dance in a private room when the 'big dogs' came thats what some people called them. They where mob men and as the best waitress, barnes wanted you to serve his best guests.

You've never done this before. You only started working here 2 months ago, Mr. Barnes was shocked to see how much of a good worker you were. Most girls who came into work in his club were slobs. He liked you so naturally he gave you the private room to work. Boy were you lucky and whoever got to work in the private room got triple the pay that night. Bucky didnt really tell people why he pays more if you work that room -but he really didnt need to, you and everyone knew why. The men who went in that room were mobs. Some men who walked in that room never even walked out.

That room was dangerous. Bucky didnt like to put his girls in their specially you of all people. The Innocent, shy, bookworm girl who just happened to be the finest girl in all the city. Boy bucky liked you, you worked hard, looked down and kept working. You didnt even get on his nerves etheir!

He talked about you alot, the boys had business tonight so steve buckys old time friend/lover decided it was time to see the star waitress, to fully make himself known. You waited in the corner where miss natty told you to wait. "Hey baby, you know the rules?" She asked one last time.

The rules:

1. Do not speak unless spoken too.

2.do not move unless told too.

3. Do what they say.

4.try to make little eye contact with them.

5. Once your done doing what they've asked you return to this corner and wait an till they need you once more.

6. Be as quick as possible and be CAREFUL.

"Yes ma'am" you squeaked, bucky had a rule: no waitress or dancer used their real name. It was for your safety. bucky and miss natty named you baby because they said your soft like one. It made you feel nice when they gave it too. Made you feel special because miss natty and bucky really didnt talk much to the others or did they care to give them nicknames. They just let the others pick what they wanted.

You waited and watched miss natty dance on the pole her tits on full display nothing covering her top half. The door swung open bucky and a group of men walking in laughing. The fear hit you, the panic was setting In. You really really didnt want to mess this up.

The men sat "baby come" bucky called to over to couch where all five men sat. Steve's eyes almost fell out at the sight of you. The soft blush on your gorgeous face, your hair flowing over your shoulders -the natural beauty that you held made him shiver. Your small figure and little hands holding the note pad for dear life.

"What would you like gentlemen?" You asked out in a soft small voice. Steve was enchanted by you. He could tell you didnt belong here, he could see the clouds of innocents flout around you. He wanted to take you away and he was going too. "coke and rum baby" tony mocked out in a charming tone. You nodded a shy smile on you face. God he was head over heals for you. "I'll take two shots" sam said with a toothy smile.

"Whiskey, baby doll" steve condefenitly spoke after, your eyes locked with his. You nodded before running off. "That the girl you keep yappin' about barnes?" Sam mused. "Yes that is, she's the best dame" bucky wasn't playing around they could just tell. "I'd like to feel her up" rumlow the man that they were about to do business with spoke up.

Steve hated the sonvabitc, but steve knew rumlow would make good dough so he let him in -but not without a watchful eye. Steve also hated they way he had talked about you.

You quickly walked in the door with a tray of drinks in your hand. "Thanks baby" bucky said with a wink. A light blush dusted your cheeks, Steve's eyes ran down your body saving the image of you for later.

You returned to the corner being mindful to be quiet and still as possible. Soon after the men started to work, talking back and forth yelling at one another. But out of the three hours they spent there two pair of eyes kept coming back to you. After they were done they stayed for drinks and dances by miss natty.

All truth be told bucky and Steve where in love. The moment you walked in that club their hearts where held in your hand, you were just to innocent to notice nor did they share. Steve listened to bucky go on and on about you for two whole weeks after your arrival. Then one night on his way to the private room he saw you. You were on your break sitting there staring off into space, your lips in a pout. Hair all smooth and shiny, steve must have been staring at you for awhile because bucky had to come looking for him. "Come on punk! Let's go!" Bucky called out while walking towards steve. Once bucky saw what Steve was so caught up in he smirked. "Who's that?" Steve questioned breathsly. "Y/l, y/l/n other wise own as baby. I named her that." Steve all but froze when he saw you, the cold mob boss was only this dazled by his boyfriend. "That's the girl you been talkin' my ear off about" steve asked his lover. "Yup" bucky grabbed Steve's hand and pulled him away. All that night and the rest of the week steve thought about you.

Bucky and steve both knew they wanted to have a third, a pretty little wife to come home too. So they decided it was you. Bucky was more relaxed -steve on the other hand not so much. He would follow you wherever you go and sometimes -well most of the times when they didn't have work bucky would come along too.

Both men watched you day and night. Day in day out, all around the clock. They knew you where the one they have been looking for. The mobsters wanted a family a beautiful wife to come home too, to make endless love with. Both men knew many woman would run from them not only because they were mobsters, but also because they are bisexual. They wanted a soft and understateding woman, to them both and love their love the two men share. Buck and steve always wanted little kids running around in a nice big house, playing and laughing as their parents watched. But their dream became better the more they watched the more they fell in love with you, your crazy laugh. Your stupid puns and jokes, your love for reading. How soft and sweet you are to all things, they loved everything about you even the things you hate about yourself.

So they planned to take you to buckys mothers childhood home to live. It was a nice one too a three story White House with a big porch and big yard.

Miss natty was in the middle of a lap dance with a man named bruce he looked shy. "Pretty baby come here!" Bucky called you over. Steve and bucky where sitting off to the side away from the rest of them who where all gang banging miss natty now. You kept you eyes down to give them some respect and privacy even though they were having a five-some. You walked up to the men eyes down, trying block out the sounds of the men and miss natty moaning. Bucky patted his lap -you froze a little confused about what he wanted. "Oh look at my shy baby. Come on." He encouraged, steve sat with a smirk as he watched you sit on buckys lap.

Steve inched his way close to you, his hands running all over you. Buckys hands gripped your hips, slightly moving you back and forth over his hard member. "Baby doll, relax okay? It's just me baby. It's just us, your daddies" steve whispered in your ear.

"Your beautiful baby, you wanna go steady with us?" Bucky questioned out. "Mr barnes your my boss this isn't aloud" you spoke softly both men laughed at like you said something funny. "Oh you sweet sweet girl, you have no choice. Your ours." Steve said in between kissing your shoulders and neck. Steve stood up picking you in his arms. "Where you taking me! Stop!" You tried get away from him bucky grabbed you chin "baby dont worry an innocent little lady cant stay here while the pigs have their fun" shame rushed through you miss natty was not a pig "miss matty's not a pig that's not nice" steve snorted "yes she is. Look at her baby getting fucked in ass while choking on another man's dick. And the rest beatin' their meats. That ain't no lady"

You closed you eyes while steve locked your legs around his waist caring you out of the room. Steve walked back to buckys office he set you down on the desk. "Can I go home now?" You asked once they closed the door both men standing in front of you "sure baby doll" bucky picked you up this time "i-i can walk. Its okay" you politely tried to get out of his arms. "No. Stay still" bucky ordered fear ran in your head. He had ever once used that tone with you.

Once outside "alright you can let me go now, I have to get home" again the laughed like you told a joke. "Oh you silly girl, why would we have our sexy little baby walk back to our home?" Your blood ran cold "our?" You squeaked out, your doe eyes filled with fear.

"Baby doll we told you, your ours! Remember?" Steve said in sweet voice. They got in the black limousine. You kicked screamed begged them to stop. "Baby!! Stop right now!" Steve yelled in your face, tears ran down from you eyes. bucky shoved steve "way to go you made our girl cry. Ass." Once the door was closed steve and bucky started to kiss. The driver in the front rolled up the divider to give the three of you privacy. "I'm gonna fucky this tight ass" bucky mumbled in Steve's ear. Shock and horror filled you eyes.

What were they going to do too you? Yourself asked a million times. "Baby? I'm sorry I yelled. I just want my girl to be safe." Steve held your hands in his. You couldn't meet his eyes "I'm not your girl Mr. Roger's. I just met you" you softy told. A frown casted on both men's brow "baby we want you. We'll give you nice big house with us -we can take care of you. An innocent little lady like you shouldn't be working, you need us. And we love you all we ask is for you to love us back."

"O-ok" you said softly tears falling down your face. You knew you couldn't say no to them and if you did they wouldn't care. Both men smiled taking you in their arms. Steve's hands ran up your legs, rubbing your feet. Your head laying on buckys chest -him playing with your hair also leaving soft kisses on your neck and shoulder.

The warmth coming off of them made you sleepy also and the fact that it was now 3 in the morning. both watched as you slipped into dream land, small smiles on their lips. "We got our girl steve!" Bucky whisperer yelled "I know!" Steve said equally excited the two men shared a kiss. Tongue, and teeth bucky moaned into Steve's mouth hands wondering while you still slept peacefully in their arms.

The driver soon announced that they had made it to your new home. Steve carried you too the bedroom you all shared. They undressed you -eyes scanning over you hungrily both of them hard and having to hold themselves back from making love to you till you wake.

They dressed you in a nightgown both to caught up in your beauty to look away. Your hair softly flowing on the pillow case, your beautiful y/e/c eyes closed -gosh they could watch you for the rest of their lives. The moon light spilling in from the window is glowed on your skin. You looked so peaceful -you looked right where you belonged. With them.

*the night gown they put you in.*

They both made their way to the bathroom connected to the bedroom. Smiles on their plump lips "I cant wait till we can feel her." Bucky said as he undressed himself steve already naked waiting for him in the shower.

"I cant wait Ethier, but till then you can fuck my ass." Steve whispered the last part in his other lovers ear while bucky stood under the water.

Bucky lips grew in a large smirk, bending steve over. Steve's hands on the tile while bucky pounded into his tight ass. Both men moaning out "I'm gonna fuck you till your raw stevie." Bucky groaned out as he quickened his pace. Steve's eyes rolling back when bucky snaked his arm around Steve's waist, grabbing his fat horse cock staring to jerk him off while he fucked his ass.

"Oh! Buck right there keep jerkin' me off. Come on handsome fuck my ass good" steve all but screamed out. Bucky pounded even more into steve while he moved his hand faster up and down Steve's cock.

Steve came in buckys hand moaning out his name mixed with yours. Bucky could feel the coil snap in him before he came in Steve's ass. Warm creamy cum shooting out of buckys fat dick leaking from Steve's tight muscle.

Soon after both lovers cleaned up and put pjs on. Making their way back to the bedroom both felt their heart melt at the sight of you. You were cuddled up in the warm blanket, snuggling in steve's pillow. Both mobsters slowly got in next to you steve pulling you close to his chest while bucky wrapped an arm around your waist. Subconsciously you snuggled your back into bucky nuzzling your face in Steve's chest.

"Look at her punk, she already loves us" steve murmured while he rested his head on yours. Bucky and steve could both smell you mango and lemon body wash. Your strawberry shampoo and pulm lotion. You smelled like heaven to them -no you are heaven to them.

To be continued...

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Part two!!

A/n: I think I will do a part two? Maybe who knows but I love dark soft bucky or steve with innocent/sweet reader.

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