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oxidizedacidd · 1 year

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okay rant time but BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY I AM TRANSGENDER AND THIS POST IS COMING FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A TRANS MAN. I AM NOT FORCING ANYONE TO AGREE WITH ME OR CHANGE THEIR HEADCANONS THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS BASED ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCES.

I really *really* think saying chihiro fujisaki is a trans woman is legitimately disrespectful and if anything harmful to actual trans women.

trans rep, ESPECIALLY transfem rep is outrageously hard to find done right or just to find at all. it's almost always stereotyped or gross or harmful and fetishy and I legitimately hate it, so I completely understand the headcanon people have for him but I think if you hc him as trans, trans*masc* would not only fit better but be far less disrespectful, let me explain.

the whole point/narrative of chapter 2 is toxic masculinity, and chihiro is unfortunately a victim of toxic masculinity. chihiro was harassed and bullied into dressing like a girl because he was born with a more feminine appearance, which as a trans man myself I completely understand the struggle of. saying someone is a trans woman because they were *forced* to dress and act like a girl so they wouldn't be bullied, hurt, ect is gross to me. it's implying trans women are forced to act that way, not for comfort in their own bodies but to fit the expectations of others. I'd totally get it if he had a more masculine appearance and was dressing like a woman and getting bullied for willingly choosing to express himself as a girl, but he isn't. he doesn't like it, he says so himself.

"where is it implied he doesn't like it and it makes him uncomfortable?" well unfortunately trigger happy havoc being trigger happy havoc very VERY briefly covers this topic and it blows ass but fortunately, we have danganronpa summer camp! I recently bought the game because I wanted to see all my sillies alive and well interacting with eachother, and each character has their own mini kind of story mode, so let's talk about chihiros.

chihiro has quite alot of very interesting cutscenes that give HEAVY transmasc implications, but the most notable one is at the end of his story mode he actually comes out to everyone that he is a boy and is ecstatic about it because he finally feels comfortable enough to be who he truly is. another scene that screams transmasc is a cutscene with mondo and tenko where tenko is bashing mondo but praising chihiro and calling him a girl endlessly and praising him for being a girl. this literally causes him to run off with mondo and start crying because of her calling him a girl so much, and he expresses genuine fear that tenko might hurt him if he came out as a boy.

would someone who is so comfortable with their identity literally start crying out of fear when they're being addressed in a way that's supposed to make them happy? why would they have to fear being hurt? I know exactly how he feels and it legitimately angers me a little bit because it took me years of living in fear to come out. everytime I got called a girl I felt like breaking down and crying because I never felt like I'd be strong enough or masculine enough to be perceived as a boy, exactly how he expresses his feelings.

hes constantly thanking mondo for helping him build up strength, and that because of him hes starting to feel alot better. there's two other scenes that really really push the transmasc hc for me. one being a scene where he bumps into fuyuhiko, who is going to the same secret training spot as him, and they both bond over not being able to be perceived as masculine and strong because of their small, not traditionally masculine appearances. the final one that really seals it for me is where mondo and chihiro are sitting in the hotsprings together just chatting alone, until masaru shows up. masaru sees chihiro, and starts yelling that "mondo brought a girl into the hotsprings!!!" which causes him to break down and cry. It makes him uncomfortable and insecure, not happy.

so again, to me, you can have any hc for any character you want and im not gonna cop you for calling chihiro a girl, so please do the same for me. do whatever you want. but to me, I see it as disrespectful and rude to trans women as I've seen posts of trans women also saying that they don't think it's appropriate to hc him that way and share similar thoughts that it's disrespectful to them.

do I believe chihiro is trans?? yes!! absolutely!! trans rep forever we NEED more of it in media!! but in this case I don't really see it as transfem rep, but transmasc rep.

thanks for coming to my ted talk, pls do not stab me hc him however you want.

#danganronpa #chihiro fujisaki #chihiro danganronpa #trans chihiro #lgbtq community #lgbt #chihiro #pls dont kill me im just rambling #i dont want to start a war #my hcs #hc #trans ftm #trigger happy havoc #dr1

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television-pil0t · 1 year

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I don’t think of my past too much unless I’m posting it here because my past is shit with some good parts. I miss daemon. I miss him so much. I don’t think I could replace the piece he ripped from me when he left. I miss how he touched me. I miss how he sounded and tbh it’s been so long I don’t remember his voice. I have a voice message from him from years ago and sometimes I’ll replay it. Just to hear him. He was like my brother. UGH THATS SO WEIRD BECAUSE WE FUCKED BUT LIKE. Ughgagayabsu UGH IDK IDK idk maybe he’s the reason I have that kink idk whatever that’s not the point. I miss him. I miss feeling that safe. He was my fp and I was his ep. I miss talking to him. Going to school with him. He accepted me as trans so quickly. Lol a black gangbanger just quck asf accepting that is so rare but god it was so nice. I met him in forth grade when I met Simon. He left in a few months and although I try and cut Dae out of my memory he was the first person I ever had a crush on. I wanted to be around him. Anaja or shaver his name was would tease us for always being around eachother. I remember one time I kinda ditched Simon on the playground to go on the some other part of the playground with daemon and he was leaning in a pole super close to my face and savanna was like “ARE YOU GONNA KISS HER?!” And he did and I literally almost passed out. We pile hug and kiss in the hallway. It was elementary school but god it was so nice. Especially when Simon didn’t even know me like that. A side I’d be felt bad for just leaving him randomly but I was absolutely obsessed with Dae. When he left after a few months with no explanation I hated my life. I experienced depression for the first time since fucking ABUSE! Shit was wild. And then 7th grade this fucker randomly texts me on INSTAGRAM and I pass out and start crying. He lived 2 miles away and I was so happy. It was a little bit of a walk but I still remember the exact path I took. We texted for a while and then he was like “yeah I live in here now” and looked it up on Google maps because I’m insane and SCREAMED when I found it he was so close. Then a week later he was like “so when we hanging out?” And I was like “NWHEHEJW NOW?!?” And I ran there. I ran all the fucking way there and hugged him so tight. He was so tall and pretty. God he was so fucking pretty. He was beautiful. He had cuts all over him. Some that were still bleeding and a fucked up eye but tbh. All I wanted to do was hold his hand. I can’t even explain the feeling I got when I saw him. He hung out every day. He was my first real bf, first person I fucked consensually. First person I ever did anything with.

I know I shouldn’t be mad at him. He did what he did for a reason and for that I can’t be mad. He did what I wanna do and escaped from a house that hated him. I hope to god he’s ok. I don’t cry about him anymore. Although I know I shouldn’t hate him I can’t help it. I do. I hate that it ended like that. I miss him but idk what I’d do if he ever contacted me again. Idk what would happen. I don’t wanna know. I wanna keep him in the past but tbh.

I’d someone could bring him back.. I wouldn’t be against it. I wonder what he looks like now. What he sounds like. Who he’s with. What he’s thinking. Does he ever think about me? Think about me?

Mali is basically like Daemon now. Lol it’s so weird. No matter where I go there’s always someone that I can replace with the person I lost. I can think of 2 people in my life that were truly irreplaceable and that’s Zakaya and Daemon. And my mom. Mali makes me feel safe but not in the way Dae did. Zakaya is a girl I genuinely never met anyone like ever again. Everyone else. And I mean EVERYONE else can be so easily replaced. Nothing interesting about them. Nothing different. If they can’t be replaced than sometimes it’s not really a good thing. Annoying personality, annoying human. Worthless.

I’ve heard I’m irreplaceable and I wonder if that’s true.

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tinkonka · 3 years

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yttd sexuality+pronoun hc’s

sara: sara is a she/they bisexual :D some of this IS influenced by my friend, mari, who id kins sara and i just see her as the irl sara chidouin so sara is a she/they bisexual, leaning more towards men.

joe: joe is a he/they bisexual (leaning more towards women) oops. again influenced by my OTHER friend, milo, who id kins joe and i see as the irl joe tazuna... and off-topic but he and mari are best friends and it’s so cool im friends with the irl joe and sara guys

keiji: keiji is pan :] he had an online boyfriend in college and it was really sweet.. tho he does like to date guys more because he feels more comfortable opening up towards males. uses the pronouns he/him.

kanna: kanna’s a kid so she’s not able to decide yet (n we don’t know her actual age so she might be way younger than i think) but she goes by she/her :D

q-taro: q-taro is the straightest man i’ve ever seen LOL sorry uses he/him. but he’s also not afraid to admit that he finds a guy attractive n probably attended a few pride parades with the kids from the orphanage to support them :]

shin: OHH THIS ONE IS SO TOUGH. i feel like shin would either be gay, but im also leaning towards aroace (i feel like his relationship w midori did some numbers on him and tbh i cannot see him being romantically interested in someone). uses he/him primarily, but doesn’t mind they/them :>

reko: reko is a lesbian she’s literally the gayest thing in yttd. she hates men and it SHOWS it’s canon n i dont see her dating a man anytime soon i am a solid rekonao shipper. she uses she/her but honestly would not care if any others were used.

nao: nao is bi, leaning more towards women. i picture nao being that one bisexual who only talks about cute girls and never cute men (probably comphet). she uses she/her :D

kai: oo kai.. kai... kai is so difficult. i also can hardly see them being romantic with anybody. but i also do see them being a very very good malewife and caring quite deeply for their partner. im gunna go with pan as well. they use they/them pronouns primarily, but! is okay with he/him :> he/they go go awooga

gin: gin is also. a child 12 years old, no sexuality for him. i feel like he’d get most of his info ab the lgbtq from elder sibling figures like sara n joe tho :D so he’s supportive of it! uses pronouns he/him

mishima: mishima uses he/him and is bi! he’s very quiet about it though, and he’s quite oblivious and tries to see everyone as a potential friend (opposed to a romantic interest). so he doesn’t really get crushes often lol

alice: Our canon trans king y o yo uses he/him and he’s ! bi! leaning more towards women! he doesn’t really seek romance however, he just wants 2 focus on himself for now :>

ranmaru: i hc ranmaru being non-binary! he/they! and gay (nblm)! mentioned this in my other post, but he had a pretty toxic ex and that helped them realize that he’s never really been attracted to women, and that was a whole mess of comphet. they’ve only come out to a few people, and the people that he has have been very supportive :>

naomichi: i hc kurumada being straight, he/him. he’s also really affectionate with his friends, so much that they think he’s gay lol

hayasaka: i hc hayasaka being aroace (he/him) he’s never felt any romantic attraction to anyone and the thought of it makes him very nervous

mai: mai is bisexual, leaning towards women, and she uses she/her! mai loves dating ladies. she loves being a wife, pampering people is something she adores :D (and she would also not mind someone being a wife to her. she loves femme lesbians)

anzu: Another she/they bisexual awooga. in my little au anzu had a really big crush on ryoko for quite a long time before she realized ryoko was straight :( guhrugj pain

hinako: hinako is also a child but she uses she/her. surprisingly good at remembering pronouns and sexualities tho

other characters that i cant write an explanation on but here’s their sexualities kugie: lesbian, she/her touko: lesbian, she/they megumi: straight, she/her jin: straight, he/him safalin and miley r gay for eachother i take no criticism /lh ranger they/them aroace anddd gashu is the straightest bitch i’ve ever seen

#yttd #im not going to tag al of them that will be a nightmare #tw swearing

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tomatograter · 5 years

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do you have any thoughts on trans girl jake? i thought their narrative and character arc on being specialized by the others, and being comfortable about themself will wrap up nicely with them ending up as a transgirl!! it defies what people expects of them, and breaks them out of the traditional idealized reoccurring masculinity theme (which jake was obviously uncomfortable with)

(what follows is my personal thoughts, i’m not laying down the word of God, i just have Thots on Jake English ALSO THIS IS A PRETTY LONG POST? IM SORRY. i promise i will include pics.)

Jake English is a gender mimic. He’s the ‘raised by wolves’ trope, except instead of literally being raised by dog like Grandpa Harley he had a few years with Jade and then mostly nothing but the monsters at lusii island and a crap-ton of escapist media. He’s used to having a full playing field where he can indulge in unquestioned fantasy, and that comes in the form of his Indiana + Croft sexy 2000′s hero persona that is comfortable for him (and its worthy of note how one is Peak masculinity and the other is Peak femme fatale) until he has to really interact with real people with Expectations and Biases.

This is where i need to talk about the alphas. It’s nearly impossible to talk about Jake without talking about how he adapts around other people, specially the ones that he truly gives a shit about. Jake selectively picks the opinions that matter to him, and these are mostly what the other alphas think. (Compare to how he speaks over Erisol, jesters around Caliborn, and mostly pumps his own self pity with Tavrosprite for compliments- If you don’t want to count the epilogues scene he has with Davekat which mostly boils down to “you might have a point, but i’m loyal to jane, so you’ll have to really convince me of politics.”)

What holds him back from dating Dirk is Jane’s opinion, and What Jane Could Think (which is in no way jane’s fault, just his overthinking) because unlike dirk’s high octane masculinity, she’s the pillar of sitcom normalcy in his life. She lives in the real world, mostly removed from the bullshit the rest of the alphas are in, and she’s written to be the ideal generic romcom youth living a perfectly picture worthy life. The disastrous conversation where Jane denies her feelings is prompted by Jake finding confirmation she’s into him via Roxy- and he immediately grows nervous of that meaning she wouldn’t “approve” him going any other way, or that it’d be weird for a boy like him. And he needs to be sure before anything else- and also every step of the way, which will eventually exhaust her because its a load of bullshit and not her responsibility. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s more that he’s afraid what others will think if he wants.

But he’s never direct about it. He just brings things up and lets people get their own opinions from it- because he’s REALLY passive about conflict and he’d rather solve things with the least amount of struggle possible, always. He just needs confirmation. And then comes this bit:

I read this bit of text in 2 ways: 1) Jake realizing pretty soon that his attractions aren’t limited to gender. & 2) Jake realizing pretty soon that gender is just a big ole scam, and that he couldn’t care less if it weren’t for outside perception of him. It’s just another performance!

Jake’s ongoing theme is that he hates being perceived (be it sexually, mentally, personally, in the sense that he abhors judgement and objectification and is afraid of being known) just as much as he gets by freely by allowing others to project whatever they want onto him- and he’s not bound to complying unless it’s shit he enjoys. He’s an indulgence chamber. He doesn’t want to be bound by rules or expectations partly because he’s sort of a lukewarm coward and partly because he thrives in contradiction. And all that sounds pretty dandy, but it doesn’t means he’s exempt from anxiety of what others think of him every step of the way and what that means to his projected image. Brain Ghost Dirk is part dirk splinter, part jake constantly asking himself ‘what would dirk do?’ because he thinks he’s not capable on his own.

and its where we get my favorite line:

“i dont WANNA be a man and i dont WANNA punch her in the face!” Maybe 2000′s action heroes who shoot first and ask questions later are, generally, sort of pretty stupid? And his fantasy can only go so far before it becomes something all too real he doesn’t want to be a part of? THIS is the line. I’ve already written about this bit before, in how Jake’s sexuality and the denial of his agency over it are traditionally a feminine narrative applied to a character desperately trying to be the quirky male lead of an adventure story. He really wants to be both. He doesn’t want to be forced to choose or to subscribe to one extreme. He wants his cake and he’s going to fucking eat it, too.

The crockertier Jane/Jake scene encapsulates everything jake wants to project, Indiana & Croft, and spins it on its head: he would rather die than be the big man hero and hurt jane (and he does die for it, later) & becoming the femme fatale means giving up what little agency he has for other people’s eyecandy benefits. and maybe that really fucking sucks? He loves these concepts but he also really hates the reality of them? That’s the concept of Jake.

But despite all that, he’s generally comfortable with his masculinity to the point of neutrality unless somebody else brings up The Norms and how he’s betraying them by not being the definition of a cishet dude. All the alphas have a very tricky relationship with gender performance, and they rely on notions of eachother. ( https ://twitter. com/hulknaps/ status/1133205821024800769?s=20 ) But Jake relies on the alphas to define him based on the moment. He adapts to different people in different ways. he switches often, because the persona he’s constructed is not solidly him, just one of many detachable masks of convenience. the aspect of transformation or characters with chameleon features is all over his intro page too, even if it starts as a red herring that he might be lord english.

Just count how many references you can make to alter-egos, transformations, ‘avatars’, multiple personalities or forms in this one page. i’ll make some of them easy: Mystique, Ghost rider, Hulk, his beloved Avatar, all rely on the concept of having fluid forms. Two of them are also blue ladies! did you know there’s a blue hulk and he’s a goofy jock? i’m going offtopic, but you grasp the idea.

I’m utterly subscribed to the idea of Jake being GNC/nonbinary/genderfluid or simply slapping a big ‘agender’ on it. I give dirk shit for always running from the gay label out of fear, but jake sort of does this too, relying strongly on not being defined and doing whatever feels best at the moment. It also fits his aspect and denizen, but those are more abstract references.

and since i dont know how to better end this bit of meta, here’s a little section of Mystique, blue lady extraordinary and one of his beloved characters. make of it what you will.

#homestuck #jake english #meta #i love talking about gender in homestuck i go absolutely rabid #also i love comics. did you know. i think its showing?

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your-turn-to-discourse · 4 years

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Kimi Ga Shine maybe?

Oh god oh fuck here we go

Only putting under a cut cause its... long

1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

Hmmm... I don’t think there is any really? All the big ships like Keisara, Joesara, Keishin, Soushin, etc etc, like they all make sense as to why they’re so big? Sooo I don’t think I have one for this question!

2. Are there any popular fandom OTPs you only BroTP?

Hm.. Probably Keishin I guess? It’s a big ship in the fandom (well for the antis at least, the pro shippers seem to look down on it to) I just can’t really see them being romantic with eachother, maybe get along after the death game but that’s about it.

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?

Literally anyone who preaches about “ALICE YABUSAME ISN’T TRANS!!” It’s kinda like the Chihiro gender discourse, except reversed. It IS canon that Alice is trans, and I love it! However with the way it was presented, some people weren’t too convinced and it started a mini war. Just like with Chihiro, I don’t care what you headcanon Alice as, but don’t try to say something is canon when it’s not.

4. Do you have a NoTP in your fandom? Are they a popular OTP?

Just.. Romantic Soushin I guess. It is a very popular ship with people trying to make it better after what we found out about in CH3, but still I just... Don’t like it. A lot of my friends try to make a better version of it with Midori (who they pretend is like.. Sou’s twin brother) and Shin but it still just rubs me off the wrong way. Maybe it’s my own trauma fucking with me.

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?

Mmm.. No I don’t think so! It’s very rare for any fandom to make me dislike a ship, so with YTTD I can’t think of anythin!

6. Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?

Hm.. Probably Shinsara. It was partially because i just hated Shin at first, so I didn’t want to think of him being with Sara at all. But it’s a big ship in the fandom, and it slowly grew on me and now it’s one of my bigger ships!

7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

I can’t think of anything at all really... I don’t think YTTD has ruined anything for me.

8. Have you received anon hate? What about?

I’ve gotten some anon hate for shipping Keisara and Joeshin. Of course those aren’t my only problematic ships in the fandom, but Keisara is big, and I’m more known for Joeshin than anything.

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

If you asked me this before chapter 3, I would’ve said Shin 100%. Buuuut he unfortunately grew on me that chapter, so now I really really hate Sou. But I think everyone hate’s Sou so that doesn’t count... Maybe Naomichi? He’s just an asshole.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

I don’t think there is any part of YTTD I dislike! Though it’s hurt me a lot, every part of the game has been absolutely amazing and i love it so much!

11. Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

Q-taro! He gets a lot of shit but like... I love him. Why? I don’t know I just do.

12. Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

Hm. I don’t see people complain much about the story, other than like maybe.... That Joe isn’t really like all that important? Like he was Sara’s friend.. That was it, and it feels like there should be much more to him. But that’s exactly why I love that there’s not much about him! I have this itching feeling that he’s much more connected to the story than we think he is, we just have to wait to find it out!

13. Unpopular opinion about XXX character?

Uhhh Kanna isn’t... All that good. I feel like she’s just kinda... there. I really wish there was more to her..

14. Unpopular opinion about your fandom?

It isn’t as bad as people make it out to be, a majourity of this fandom is actually pretty damn chill.

15. Unpopular opinion about the manga/show?

OK THE MANGA >>> THE GAME!!! I HAVEN’T FINISHED THE MANGA CAUSE IT’S NOT FULLY TRANSLATED YET BUT I FEEL MYSELF GETTING ATTACHED TO THE CHARACTERS AND THE OVERALL SETTING SO MUCH MORE THAN I DID IN THE GAME, IT’S JUST... BETTER-

16. If you could change anything in the [game], what would you change?

Mmm.. I don;t think there’s much I would change... Maybe make Sara a LITTLE more interesting? But that’s about it, other than maybe some designs.

17. Instead of XYZ happening, I would have made ABC happen…

Instead of having Nao be the sacrifice of the second main game, I probably would have made it be Kanna I guess? Not sure why, i just.. feel like things would get more interesting that way....

18. Does not shipping something ‘popular’ mean you’re in denial and/or biased?

Oh absolutely not, i hate this accusation. I know this is about YTTD, but when it comes to Danganronpa, I don’t ship Saiouma. Y’know Saiouma, one of the BIGGEST ships in the entire fandom. People say I’m biased or I’m just in denial cause I ‘want to look different than most of the fandom’ when that’s.. not it. I just can’t see them being romantic with eachother, it ain’t my cup of tea as they say.

19. What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

The antis (usually minors) in the fandom trying to preach to the pro shippers about how they feel unsafe or whatever with us casually shipping things... Yet they made it their choice to be in a fandom about a game where people are forced to be killed, and not to mention there are CANON AGE GAP RELATIONSHIPS but whatever.

20. What is the purest ship in the fandom?

HONESTLY? Q-MAI!!! After she attacked him she became so worried about him... She wouldn’t even leave his side. It shows that even the dolls can feel grief, we learned that with the Reko doll. I keep imagining how they are post game and I just.. my heart....

21. What are your thoughts on crack ships?

Send me all your crack ships please I love them..

22. Popular character you hate?

Eh, I guess Sou. I don;t really hate any of the other popular characters.

23. Unpopular character you love?

I REALLY LIKE MISHIMA!!!! Everyone kinda forgot about him after he died and it makes me sad.. He was a sweet teacher who was trying his best.

24. Would you recommend XXX to a friend? Why or why not?

I would TOTALLY recommend YTTD to a friend, I’m the one who dragged a lot of my friend group and my partners into it!

25. How would you end XXX/Would you change the ending of XXX?

*insert cliche ‘but it was all a simulation’*

26. Most shippable character?

Joe because he’s my huge comfort character and i like to think he kinda just falls in love with everyone GFHDJNGFDS

27. Least shippable character?

Uh..... To me Shin but that’s because he seems so distant from others, he seems like the type to go out of his way to avoid relationships. i mean after what happened with Sou I can’t blame him-

#yttd.txt #yttd ch3 spoilers #asks.txt

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dojae-huh · 4 years

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1. Cant really look for examples as I'm lazy but remember when yuta said during jaehyun,his and Mark's boy video that jaehyun isnt all soft and prince like he has a competitive side and gets irritated easily. Also haechan said something like jaehyun wakeups even if ure quiet and that keeps him quiet in the room and the mc was like oh he is a strict roommate. Also look at the way yuta describes doie and then see what doie says abt jae post/159196536834/trans-haru-hana-vol-41-issue-interview

2. Jaehyun is calm until he isnt, even tae has talked abt jaehyun influencing the mood of the dressing room. Johnny also has a quick temper, although johnny controls it better. They might have irritated eachother abt a small thing and maybe it was coz of sleep deprivation, they did go across timezones within a few days. Also johnny tries to keep up the tension and make ppl hyped maybe jae wasnt feeling it. He was one of the members not in Johnny's arm wrestling videos. Jae mced and must be tired

3. I agree with u that jaehyun needs space and him being tired makes the situation irritating for him. He must have woken up earlier the boys and must be ultra tired. He was very quiet on the haechan radio day too coz that schedule was just after his mc gig

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Yuta -> Doyoung: He sings well. I like his voice. Among the member, he is a person who is always stable. (well-controlled and organised) he is the mediator. He can talk about his personal opinions, but also care about his surroundings.

Doyoung -> Jaehyun : I can’t choose one because he has so many charms. I just want to point out his ‘Reverse Charm’. He’s both manly and kind! The charm is coming from the gap.

Hm, I will comeback to this interview later, there are several interesting things to point out.

Your explanation seems very plausible. Jaehyun sports the double eye-bags again.

Members being on bad terms with each other doesn’t mean that they are bad people and the fans who say the idols can be mean, rude, unfriendly don’t necessary paint those idols in black or say they hate each other, that they are false to the core. Even the kindest people get tired, stressed, sick and can’t be happy and easy to deal with all the time. SM has a rule forbidding physical fights among trainees and idols to not damage the face, but words or ignoring cut as well.

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unigotchi · 6 years

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DES 102 Week 5

When I was creating these characters, I spent the two hours in lesson time just writing up ideas for them, as I do not think I am very good at art and rendering my ideas to paper (or screen). I didn’t really intend to use 2 hours on this but that’s what I did. I will include all my writing in the Read More section, but here is the information requested.

I chose a post-apocalyptic setting, mostly based on the book series Mortal Engines, a series set after a nuclear apocalypse destroyed the world. The series starts off with a group of people living in the wreckage of London, which is almost exactly the basis of my character design location as well, with the minor difference that in Mortal Engines, cities are mechanical, and move around like giant animals, eating each other for resources.

I’m really ashamed of the quality of my images, and designs, and ideas. So, sorry.

I started with creating the vague body shapes of the two characters. At this point I realized just how similar my concepts were to Roadhog and Junkrat, two apocalypse survivors who live in a destroyed city and travel around together, from the game Overwatch. My main excuse for this is that their archetypes are so, so common that it would take a long development process to make pair of characters where the main contrasts are weight and height.

These characters are yet unnamed, and little detail can be made from these images. The left character is designed to be more square in visual design, to represent how set in her ways she is, and how she doesn’t want change. She is sturdy, and capable of taking hits, and her two main weapons are a pair of industrial strength scissors and a crowbar. She does not use these much for melee, instead they are used in dismantling nearby rubble to use as makeshift bludgeoning weapons.

The character on the right is designed to look a lot more unbalanced, and top heavy, to represent how she wants to change the world and does not mind if that changes her too. Her tools are her backpack, which she uses to store materials she has scavenged, and her spanner, which is used to create small simple robots that become brief allies in fights.

I haven’t learnt much about Illustrator since last week, just that layers are much harder to manipulate. In all honestly, I just wanted to get the visual designs over with as soon as I could because I hate drawing, but I don’t think even with more work the characters would be much improved.

Below are all my notes that I wrote down when designing these characters. It’s in Read More cause there’s a hecky dang lot of it and you might not want to waste your time.

Post Apocalyptic

Potential for conflict between the characters

One is quite satisfied with the way the world is now, and one is trying to go back to how it was before the apocalypse. Their two ways of fighting might get in the way of each other at the beginning, with the large bulky weapons potentially breaking or undoing the work of the intricate mechanisms, and the large fighter would have to avoid hurting the small techie. Obviously these difficulties would be overcome further into the game as they learn to synergise with eachother, and also the player would get tired of having to control to opposing forces which are constantly putting each other at risk.

Opportunities for both characters to demonstrate unique strengths and weaknesses

Obvious size and body type differences are an easy place to start, with one being able to perform tasks (break walls, slip through cracks) that the other cannot. But it can go deeper, with the technician (they need names) being so obsessed with returning to the past that they cannot see the positives of life here and now, the scrapper struggling to cope with seeing remnants of the past as they explore over because of the guilt and resentment these images bring up.

Who

I mean they’re both clearly gay and I’m having that right here in this document so on the off chance these ever become real characters I can shove it in the face of people who try to deny it. Additionally, there are plenty of ways to explore transgender stuff in a setting where societal norms have just absolutely collapsed, and I cannot name a single trans protagonist, so I think if scrapper was trans it could present some things to explore in her backstory, but would not need to affect the present day in any way.

I’m struggling to come up with names because while I want to be racially inclusive, I don’t know HECK about different names culturally and I would like their names to have some kind of meaning. And right now I have up the ‘top 60 popular indian girl names of 2014’ and I don’t think that’s the best way of deciding names, so I’m going to leave them blank for now.

They would have an age difference, not too extreme but enough to justify the different ways they reacted to the apocalypse. I think the scrapper lady would be older, perhaps about 20-21 at the time the apocalypse took place, leaving her at around 30 now. The technician girl would have been about 14-16, leaving her in her mid-20s by the time the game takes place. This age difference creates a dynamic of having one person knowing what the real world was like, and was still coming to terms with losing the rose tinted lense of being a child, so she was living in the harshest time of her life. This contrasts with the other person having experienced a mostly positive and supporting world, and being angry that it was taken away from her before she could complete her life goals.

Their key relationship, as I said earlier, is definitely going to be each other, but maybe at the start they don’t have much more than a friendly acquaintances partnership, or perhaps even just ‘together by necessity’ (I still don’t know what that necessity is). In terms of family, I think having a very sparse group of people they are related to by blood, perhaps just the scrapper lady’s father and a sibling for the technician. I think outright stating that the rest of their families were killed would have a small effect on the player, but at this point ‘dead family’ is a little cliché and I’m not interested in a ridiculously tragic story, despite the setting. I think a general idea would be that, as society fell apart, so did social norms of relationships and family, with plenty of families completely splitting apart and losing contact. Despite what I just said about tragedy, this could lead to another contrast between the two main characters again, with the technician only realizing 16 years into their life that their parents were only together for the sake of their children, and that the family was highly strung up on high achievement and was not particularly close otherwise. Her only remaining brother could be disabled in some way, perhaps having ADHD, which in the old world would have been a burden in schools and maybe could be explored as a way of showing just how abusive techie’s parents actually were. I don’t want disability to be seen as a burden though, I want him to be succeeding in this new world, however the ways he thinks affects him. On the opposite end of the parent-child relationship spectrum, but still exploring abusive relationships, I think if the scrapper lady’s parents were some kind of British equivalent of an American republican, I can’t think of a name for that type of person in England, but when I reread this I’ll know what I mean. Maybe they were a very loving family, but were also a very hateful group of people, and scrapper didn’t feel like she fitted in. I think her father wouldn’t realize who she was in the new world, as she came out only after the family had collapsed, and he would be a low tier society member because of his beliefs that he still holds onto.

Their upbringings could dictate their motivations, with techie believing her perfect family can still be resurrected by returning to how the past was, and that everything can be fixed by innovation, contrasting with scrapper recognizing a lot of the rotten parts of the past for both herself and other people, knowing that her life is better here and now, and that a society that no longer struggles with racism is the way forward.

This returns to the idea of an anti-utopia, a world that is, in all simple definitions, perfect, with plenty of love, and teamwork, and innovation, but anyone looking at it sees a very clearly destroyed world.

This makes the problem of conflict and motivation for a game INCREDIBLY HARD. We have a ‘perfect’ world that is perfect BECAUSE of its destruction. What can jeopardise this life? I’ve created a world where I can’t see any conflict this is so dumb.

I think the original motivation for the game could be that, due to a shift in something space related, a lot of space debris is raining down. It poses little threat to people, as luckily it is falling outside of inhabited areas, but provides a lot of interest, as plenty of satellites are returning to earth (and suspension of disbelief is keeping them from burning up).

What

Scrap Harvester

Vehicle Technician

Where

A post-apocalyptic city, probably British? (because I know the UK better than America). A city based off of a real life one, but with some clearly derelict and some clearly ‘renovated’ areas. People living in these towns eke out a life scavenging for building materials that can be used to create housing and farms. This city in particular is almost an anti-utopia, being incredibly well developed but having an aesthetic of run-down, bombed-to-death suburbs.

When

Sometimes in the near future, or present day in an alternate world where society collapsed very quickly and briefly because of some unknown event (unknown because I don’t know what to make it).

Why

The scrapper lady is happy with the life she has now, as it is (somehow) an improvement on her previous life. She helps people to build their houses, and has some architectural knowledge, so leads teams to salvage any building parts they can.

The technician is trying to replicate the vehicles from before the end, in the hopes that improved transport can help recreate the old life everyone had. One day maybe she can move on from vehicles to other mechanical engineering works, and rebuild the old cities.

How

I think a simple crowbar would suffice for the scrapper lady, along with perhaps some large wire cutter-type scissors. She’s very strong, so focuses on melee, and can perhaps utilise nearby rubble and structures as weaponry as well. In terms of game mechanics, this would result in having two reliable, unbreakable weapons, the crowbar and the scissors, and then some low durability weapons that can be acquired from the countless piles of refuse all over the world map.

For the engineer, she would be the post-apocalyptic equivalent of a hacker finding use out of anything mechanical and controlling it, or building very simple robots to work alongside her. These means, in combat sense, she would be a flimsy character on her own and has to create small mechanisms that perhaps inflict status conditions on opponents.

Archetypes

It’s very difficult put these characters into one archetype, or at least it is for me, as I’ve already put so much thought into them that I see them as more than one dimensional. For the scrapper, I think that The Caregiver is very fitting, as she is satisfied in her life as long as she’s able to be helping someone. I think that The Explorer fits techie the best out of the options, and she wants to go and discover what is inside the satellites, but a lot of the points of the explorer is that they are in an enclosed society, which could not be further from the truth in this case. Anyone is allowed to do whatever they want. I think she doesn’t fit in very well, as her knowledge of life no longer has too many practical applications, with mathematics, science and mechanical knowledge being of a little use to a society where farming and building are the main jobs. Despite being loved and accepted by the community, she feels a personal burden because of how she doesn’t think she is needed, so is afraid of being abandoned.

Character Diamonds

Protective, Intelligent, Just,

Nervous, Strategic, Careless, Inquisitive

#DES102 #pre-visualisation #character designs #character concepts #concept art #my art is honestly shameful #i hate it and myself

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gayshowerthoughts0 · 4 years

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Donald Trump is such a big dope. Its not that he can't do anything right, its that he won't do anything right. He thinks that democrats are keeping the schools closed right up until the november election, for what reason he thinks that, i dont know, he is threatening a shut down if they don't reopen on time. Now i personally would love to see the schools reopen on time if it was safe to do so the last thing we need is more uneducated people, but its too dangerous right now. I have no idea what hes thinking, but shutting down the government now of all times? Really? God, its like hes doing literally everything in his power to destroy America. Sure we could function just fine if the executive branch was shut down, i know because thats exactly how its been functioning since the virus got here, do nothing and stroke your own ego. Hes done worse than nothing by pretending it doesnt exist, by saying it'll disappear, by telling people to not worry and to not wear masks, by doing everything in his power to ignore it and leave us hanging. Not to mention the police brutality protests. Hoo boy, i tell ya they think democrats are lining up to destroy every single statue in America, that there is some plot to all this, and his base eats up the everyloving shit out of it. Like wearing a mask is gonna kill your geriatric ass. Like Jesus Christ, even i expected more from him and i already didnt like him, not after his anti-gay anti-trans nonsense. You know the saying that only siths deal in absolutes, well i guess republicans are siths now. Not being able to admit when Trump is wrong. Doing everything in there power to make him look good, making up fake problems that make him look brave.

his entire presidency has been a big sham, they wanted trump to usher in a new era of hatred, a rerun of 1930s racism, but the thing is, everyone knows what America looks like beyond the 1930s, and the only people who wanna go back, are these old ass, suit wearing, minority hating, nepotism ass white people who "know what its like to be poor from back when they were making 50,000 a year" who only paid 10 cents for a whole bag of candy back in their day, ass bitches. You know why, because those days were not great for literally anyone else, black? Nope. Mexican? Nope. Gay? Nope, people thought that gays didnt even exist back then. White Christians who condem people for one line of the Bible but break like 50 themselves? You bet your bippy.

People always say that because he's a business man, he'll be able to get us "out of this" referring back to post world war 2 America where literally every other manufacturing plant on earth was decimated, leaving America the last man standing, meaning plenty of cash, and plenty of jobs, but thats the thing, even if America started manufacturing stuff again, it would never be as lucrative or as plentiful as it once was.

And the worst part, these people who support Trump walk around like they own America now, and can do whatever the heck they want to. Like yell at some Mexicans about how now that trump is in office they should go back home, unaware that their home is just a few blocks down the road and oh yeah, in America. Or talk about "capital punishment for gay people", this meaning people being able to go out and kill gay people themselves but hiding behind legal lingo. Coughing on Mexican American infants just because their mom was speaking spanish in America. Several of them went on shooting sprees. Being so inept that they tell other people to read the transript of the Ukraine call when they themselves havent, unaware that he literally if not attemped to collude with them. When this news came out about Russia putting bounties on the heads of American soldiers, he talked about the possibility of at the very least keeping him from coming to an event on American soil, but shut that down, and just wants him to come anyways. He did nothing about it. He talks tough, he picks on the little kid, but when something bigger comes his way he runs away and ignores it.

They say when the going gets tough, the tough get going, but now the going is tough, and Trump's just sat his ass right down.

In my eyes, hes proven himself to be a lousy leader, turning us against eachother, weaponizing his followers loyalty and their fears, and his followers weaponizing him. Even if Trump wasn't a racist on the inside, actions speak louder than words, and his actions have not only seemed racist, but actually were very racist and xenophobic not to mention homophobic, so when i cast my vote this November, it wont be for Trump.

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lilidhshoneynutfeelios · 5 years

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this weeks freeform personal post lol

so im kinda getting estranged by my mother tbh like i was quite explicitly told that im making a “lifestyle choice i dont agree with” and that she “cant recognise me” (like, my face is a different shape but what she means is that im not like, rolling over and taking her abuse anymore) and i cant be like taking hormones and using a different name and expecting to be like, part of the family yknow. and like, her partner will just follow suit and ive already estranged my older sister lmao and like, highkey im not confident i’ll get into 3rd year and like, yknow. on a triangle of ‘disowned’ ‘trans’ and ‘drop out’ im pretty sure i can only handle two and like, v v highkey i want to just like, kill myself and avoid the whole thing and like, i’m v aware that, other than this one medically induced manic episode in march/april, ive had passive suicidal ideation for like, almost my entire life and ive never done anything about it. idk im v greatful for the valid people in my life rn, im v happy that ive got like, decent people i know irl and online that just kinda, make it seem like a temporary problem? and recently ive had a lot of experiences where ive been able to like, be good for someones life, esp w like, i run the trans forum at uni right, and we’ve had a couple moments where like, people’ve got to see like, other trans people in groups, and just be like ‘huh, we’re not freaks and perverts huh’ and its been good for them and i kinda just wanna keep living for those moments and all these rly cool moments i get to have w my friends and like, ive got a lot of good books im excited about rn, and ive got some money in the bank i dont want them to get, idk. ik a lot of people in my life get really tetchy when i talk about like, suicide after like, i actually tried, and thats fair but like, for the last idk more than 10 years its just been passive and ideative and thats sad but its also like, mostly benign and i dont want people to worry about me. i kinda think im too late to get a summer internship now i had two interviews and i failed one and i dont want to work in a care home all summer and i kinda want to piss off to glasgow and stay w finn and thats not an easy option but i think it’d be good for me like idk what work i could do in glasgow but i could do some shitty job right,i dont have to do internships now i guess, idk im really tetchy about experience and esp trying to get experience where a change of name isnt an issue. yknow, like job hunting is demeaning enough without revealing a priori youre tranny, idk like, i have a zero hours job in aberdeen but i wanna move out like, asap, like i cannot be here, its just v scary to be in an environment where youre like, actively hated. idk like she didnt harbour any particular hatred to trans people before this like she knew a trans person from my school and used his name and pronouns but idk, maybe i shouldve seen it coming after how tedious she was about me being a faggot like, idk she got over that after a couple months but she just, doesnt want to budge on this, like she sees me using my name and taking hormones and having trans friends as like, an actual insult to her raising me. shes just like I Picked Your Name, I Raised You A Boy, Therein You Will Be And Anything Else Is An Insult To Me As A MoThEr yknow like, god, its not a big deal yknow, you get 2 daughters or you get 3 idc what you do with that fact. and sure, i consider it entirely her problem that she hates trannies but like, being trans AND disowned AND a dropout is just like, too much for me i think like, theres no shame in that life to me but like, theres also no dignity. like theres no dignity anywhere but idk if i can do it yknow. also like, and i hate to like bring up sex work when talking about trans hardship bc it feels like a boogyman trans girls bring up to scare eachother but, idk if i can go back to that? i hate waiting outside and i need poppers for like, anal w people i dont trust (and sometimes w people i do) and like, theyre a v safe drug but too much can put pressure on the eye and im blind enough as it is. i had enough poppers one time that i went colourblind for a moment. that was fun. i was kinda drunk too. in the summer i kinda wanna deal with presentation like learning-to-pass as a skill but like, idk im not butch right but im also like a real person who goes outside lmao. like i cycle in the rain and garden and eat with my hands and im not going to be domesticated at any point tbqh. like im not sure i’ll ever pass in like, the next so many years without like, FFS and laser or smthn, but like, idk ik two things right (1) that im a bit of a feral tomboy and im comfortable in like, trews and shirts, getting dirty and building things so long as im not like, percieved as a man and (2) that i was traumatised for like, almost the entirety of my life for doing anything feminine right. like i got beat up in the engineering club at school a lot bc i wasnt like, masc enough to be in that space lol, or even if i didnt get beat up like, there was like, idk what you’d call it like preformative beating up? like unwarrented roughhousing? like pretending to kick someone but Just For The Banter Obviously, We Weren’t Trying To Intimidate The Faggot At All Sir. yknow. and like, obvi like the usual words and jokes we usually use to talk about fem men or men who arent masc enough or whatever. and like, trying to separate (1) from (2) yknow. like thats a task and a half. and like, esp recently where im like, not feeling like a pervert and an intruder 100% of the time w like, lesbian spaces. like obvi ik im not welcome by most there right, but like, idk ik a few lesbians who are like, idk at least on surface dont seem to consider me an outsider and i kinda, get to talk about the fact i like women without like, being seen as a man and a pervert and a rapist for it yknow. and thats been like, a bit of a moment for me. bc like, idk i like women and i kinda havent been thinking about that for a long time bc i dont want to be seen as a man and like, ik ive always liked women, i just like, didnt think that i could like, engage with other women who might like me, without like, having to Perform Man and all that implies and, idk yknow, its not like im having a sexual awakening or ive discovered a two way strap on lovehoney im just like, idk, not not-welcome sometimes for the first time in forever and that kinda means rethinking a few things about where i position myself etc. and thats largely fun now that im like, idk, i have more language-tools to do it than the last few times ive had to consider who-i-love-and-how yknow. and like, idk ive mostly been playing the same fiddle as i always have with like, having this gayboi dress sense and slang and idk, maybe it’d be fun to get a bit of a more lesbian of a haircut or smthn, but like, id have to do it in one of the gay barbers in glasgow bc i dont trust any barbers in aberdeen to not cut my hair Like A Man yknow also i havent been to my usual hairdressers in months bc im growing out the sides and idk what theyd say like i need my split ends done but i dont want them to go in and speak about my hair and my bikes and my ex lmao i used to go get haircuts w my ex and also i have v bad hair and ive recently decided im ok with it being curly so im just like, idk learning what to do with that tbh idk yeah, once whoevers in the kitchen leaves im gonna make a cheese toasty bc thats what ive been craving all day

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nocturnalimpression · 6 years

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This is gonna be a long post so sorry in advance, but it's 2am and dysphoria is hitting me hard, so I figure it's the perfect time for a story. This story will contain BRIEF and non detailed mentions of suicide, but I find it to be a happy story over all.

Alright so, I am currently 20 years old. I came out at 17, but looking back, I've always kind of known that I was trans. I remember being really young, I'm talking maybe 5-7 years old, hanging out with boys in my neighbourhood and feeling out of place. The only time I really felt comfortable and truly happy was when I was with my best friend.

She and I grew up together. Literally. We were born a few months apart, but our mothers had been friends since high school. They were both mothers to us, and we saw eachother as siblings. We were friends since the day we were able to create memories.

I remember being around 6 years old. My friend, who will be refered to as A, and I were playing in the dirt in her backyard. I don't remember exactly what we were doing, but there was a lull in thw action of whatever game we were playing. A was standing beside me pretending to cook or something, and I was just kind of standing there silently thinking, something I did often and still do. I vividly recall looking up at A and thinking "she's so fun and I'm always happy with her. Why don't I feel like that with boys?"

(Obviously my thoughts weren't that clear at that age, but that's the basic gist of what was going through my head)

Fast forward a year or two. I'm with my male friend in his backyard. He lived across the street from me, ans had a massive fort/treehouse type thing. We were walking from his back door toward the fort, and this feeling came over me. I started to wonder if he ever felt the same way I did about relating more to girls than boys. My young, dumb, anxiety filled brain wanted to ask him, but didn't know quite how to go about it without sounding stupid. Somehow I settled on "Hey _____? Do you ever wonder what it's like to be a girl?"

Tgis os the point where, when I look back on these early years, I wonder if what he said paved the way for my internalized fear of my own feelings.

He reaponded with a simple, but powerful, "No. Why would I want to be a girl? Girls are stupid! Why, do you want to be a girl?"

Not wanting to embaress myself, I said something to the tune of "Haha no I was just messing with you."

In hindsight, that was probably the moment I disconnected from reality, because from that day on, I started to become something that I'm not sure I can ever quite recover from. I started doubting myself constantly, and hating myself for every thought I had that didn't match up with what the other boys were like.

In elementary school, I had this constant feeling that I was outside myself. Like I was watching a puppet version of me living out my life. I felt like I had zero control over everything and anything that happened. I would get bullied for dumb stuff, like being German or having a higher voice than the other boys. I never really felt hurt by anything, because no matter how brutal the other kids could be, it didn't feel like they were saying/doing anything to ME. They were attacking this version of me that wasn't actually me. I started to develop a talent for lying and acting.

I still saw A fairly often, but nowhere near as often as I wanted. When I was around her, I felt like she would grab the real me and pull me back into my body. I wish I'd shown her how much I appreciated and needed her, because come high school, we stopped hanging out all together.

Suddenly, my only anchor to reality was gone, and I was permanently dissociated. My lying got worse, or better in a way. My parents would tell me constantly that I should enroll in the drama classes and become an actor because of my "natural talent". I wanted too, and I probably could've done something great had I listened to them. Instead, I listened to my guy friends, who told me drama and acting was girly and gay. Clearly I wanted to avoid those titles, as the last time I expressed my interest in femininity, it didn't exactly go too well.

So, my link to reality is gone, I'm in a permanent state of dissociation, I secretly hate myself, and I can make people believe just about anything I tell them. A recipe for disaster if I ever saw one.

I know, I know, not a very happy story. Just sit tight a little longer. This story gets a lot worse before it starts to get better, but it DOES get better.

I'm now around 14 years old. All my friends think I'm on drugs at all times, and I've begun to develop a serious case of depression, while my anxiety has grown exponentially worse. My high school bullies love to practice their insults on me, since my only response was laughter, hiding the pain I really felt from everyone. I took up smoking cigarettes, and regularly put my body through any kind of abuse I could. I would run full speed into brick walls, get people to hit me with the biggest sticks they could find, set my clothes on fire during lunch hour. You name it. Why? Partially for the laughter and attention it got me, bust mostly, secretly, to punish myself anytime I had thoughts that I deemed wrong.

Then, a small miracle. One of the bullies I mentioned previously, came out to everyone as bisexual. My school was incredibly intollerent, violent, and hateful. Especially towards lgbt peeps. But all of a sudden, one of the most popular boys in the school, not just our grade, admits that he is bisexual, and everyone is completely fine with it.

Before, I felt like I was drowning in the sea, caught in a raging storm, but suddenly there was a raft. Tge storm was still raging, maybe even growing, but at least I had something to grab onto.

And boy did I grab tight. About a month after the boy came out, I went camping with my (new) best friend. He was a brother to me, and had seen me on the rare occasion that I came back to reality from the dissociation and lies. I came out to him on that trip. Not as trans, I didn't even know that transgender was a thing yet. No, I came out as bisexual. I will truly never forget that conversation.

We were walking along a river in the forest, looking for lizards and snakes and the like. There was a brief moment of silence between us, something that rarely happened, and without thinking, I heard myself say "I have to tell you something."

Immediately I started panicking, thinking of anything I could say aside from what I knew was about to fall out of my mouth. Foetunately, I wasn't quick enough, and as soon as he turned around, I basically vomitted the words "I'm bisexual."

Now, technically that was true, but I didn't know that yet. I was freaking out, as we had both made some honestly horrible jokes at the expense of the gay community. He was quiet for a few seconds, which felt like days, but eventually he looked my dead in the eyes and said, "Well, I guess I'm not homophobic anymore."

His words, combined with the genuine care in his smile made me want to fucking cry. And I did, later that night. I hugged him, and just to put him at ease, made a joke that I will not repeat, because it was disgusting and horrible, but it was exactly what we both needed in the moment.

A few months later, I came out as full out gay to our entire friend group. This clearly was not the case, and I knew it was a lie. By then I had realized that I am in fact bisexual, but remember, I am still in the midst of that raging storm of lies and hate. My basic thinking was:

I feel most comfortable around girls.

Girls like boys.

If I like boys, girls will want to hang out with me.

I do like boys, but also girls.

I can pretend to only like boys very easily.

And so I did. Admittedly I went way overboard in the first few weeks. I had never actually met a gay guy, so all I had to go off of was the stereotype we all made fun of back then. After the first 2 or 3 weeks of trial and error, I had everyone, including family and teachers, fully believing I was gay as fuck. And my plan, kind of worked perfectly. My best friend, the one from the camping trip, got a girlfriend, and she ended up spending more time with me than him. She introduced me to her friends, which opened a world that had previously been unknown to me or any of the boys I knew.

High school boys were immature, rude, competitive, and aggressive. High school girls, however, were so incredibly diverse. Every girl I met was different in nearly every way, but had a sense of familiarity with eachother. My depression vanished in a matter of days. My raging storm calmed to a light breeze. These girls would paint my nails and convinced me to give up the buzz cut in favour of the long hair I had always wanted. They introduced me to makeup and music other than rap. The artists showed me the beauty of drawing, and the drama girls taught me how to truly hone my lying into acting. I felt at home with them.

Unfortunately, but predictably, my plan backfired, and crumbled like a brick house in the path of a tornado. After about a year, the "light breeze" began to pick up speed again. I started hating myself more than ever. I was so damn close to what I'd always wanted, but I realised the closer I got that rather than my path to happiness being clear, there was a glass wall in my way. I was allowed to embrace the femininity that I once had to hide, but I was sti'll just another boy to those girls. I wasn't truly one of them as I wanted so desperatly to be. Worst of all, I had started catching feelings for a girl, but couldn't possibly act on them or express them at all without ruining not only the illusion, but all the friendships I had just finally found.

I'll save you the details, but in short, all this came to a point and I ended up attempting suicide. I was sent to a psychiatric ward, and my friendships, both male and female, began to erode.

Instead of watching everything I lied so hard to achieve turn to dust, I decide to use my new acting abilities (sharpened in drama classes that the girls talked me into) to fool the doctors, nurses, and psychiatrists into letting me out before a single one of my issues had been addressed.

Don't ask me how I managed it, because I still don't have a clue, but I did it. I somehow managed to convince everyone I was perfectly fine, and was released after only a week and a half. This was the first in a line of horrible mistakes made by yours truly.

So, I return to school. I expect I'll have to tell everyone why i missed a week and a half of school, and showed up with a mostly true story. I never got to use my story, however, because my school counselor had already managed to inform the entire school that I was "suicidal and extremely depressed". While that was true, that is the furthest from how I wanted everyone to find out.

To save time, I'll skip over the events that took place in those few weeks, to my second admittance to the ward. This time, I was filled with rage and wanted not only my own death, but the death of anyone who got on my nerves. This is when my anger issues started to take root.

My raging storm had developed into a devastating hurricane, and my raft was torn to splinters. Only this time, I wasn't at the mercy of the storm, I was the storm. At one point, the ward staff had to call 3 security gaurds in to get me to return to my room without anyone being injured. I was so lost in my rage and hatred that I milked the shit out of it, and got off the idea that 3 buff ass dudes were needed to return my 90 lbs butt to my room out of fear that I was actually going to make an attempt on someones life. Not my proudest moment to be sure. This is when my friendships were nearly all dying, if not already dead. I ended up making some friends in the ward, who helped me get to place mentally where the staff felt I was safe to be released.

A month later, I was in a new ward. An adult ward this time. With no one my age to talk to, and having very recently become anti social (the real definition, not asocial or shy, though I am very introverted), I turned to the bookshelf as my only companion. I found a book about lgbt definitions and information, and decided to read it for no real reason. I was skimming through pages rather quickly, not really reading or retaining anything, just sort of looking at the ink on the paper. Eventually a saw a word I had never heard before; Transgender.

My curiosity got the best of me, and I started to read the paragraphs. Almost immediately, I realized that I connected with what I was reading. I read the entire book that night.

The next day, my mom came in for a visit. It was my 17 birthday. The first thing I said to her when she walked into my "room", was "mom? I think I'm transgender."

Without a hint of hesitation, she simply looked at me and said, "okay."

After 17 years of hating myself, doubting myself, and punishing myself for something I didn't understand, my mother was able to accept it immediately. I'm not exaggerating. We spend the day discussing it, and she had absolutely no problem with it at all. She supported me not just from day one, but from minute one. It took her a few months to get used to she/her pronouns, and she did get frustrated at my changing my name every few weeks, but she never stopped supporting me. It's been 3 years since I came out. I have exactly one friend whom I didn't meet until I dropped out of highshool, and I have my mom. And you know what? I'm happy.

I struggle still, obviously, with anger, depression, anxiety, antisocial personality, and now gender dysphoria, but thanks to the two amazing women in my life, I'm working through it all. I'm getting better. And my transition has finally begun.

As a side note:

This story ended up being WAY longer than I originally intended. I started with the intent to only talk about the time I asked my friend if he ever wondered what it was like to be a girl when I was like 7 or something, but it kinda spiraled into my life story. So I want to give a little detail to my friend A from early in the story. We've grown apart and haven't seen eachother in years, but we do still consider eachother friends, and as crazy as it may sound, she came out as a HE around the same time I came out as a SHE. We literally swapped. Neither of us knew the other was trans until well after we came out, so we had a good laugh about it. Life is crazy hunh?

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todanceistodream-blog · 6 years

Text

On a train to the dentist I was sat opposite to two mothers, without really going into too much into detail about the mothers as beyond what you see on the exterior you really have no idea. One of them was white, the other a very beautiful reflection of modern Islam.

The moment that got me smiling was the 4-5 year old girl, maybe younger, who at some point got off her seat and started marching towards the train door and insisting on it with her finger with a deadly serious look on her face. They were apparently 2 stops early but thinking about it all got me giggling. She wasn't exactly grumpy either (or was she) as she played with her friend but thinking about it made me realise just how open kids really are, and it is us and the world who teach them to hate and all that other delightful stuff.

Both the mothers and kids knew each other from before, but it got me just thinking about the future and whats possible if many start giving eachother human respect they deserve. Surely its the least we can do to start overcoming dishonesty and the pain of those in countries less fortunate than ours. Those that realise they don't want certain people continue ruling over bits of this world, be it a bar or a country, in a way that would make anybody feel unsafe.

I know its wishful thinking, but..

The one that had me think further on how far we've all come and yet to go was when the other mother's child was hoping to get a cuddle by sticking his hands in the air and trying to climb on top of her. Initially I thought she was going to but then sat him down all sensible in the seat next to her, which could've happened for a million reasons, but its fun to wonder.

Finding out the truth about people is one thing, but preparing yourself for moments where you can really help the people that surround you the right way, no matter where they've come from or what they've done is something, is something completely different.

As time goes I'll continue speaking to people in what will be increasingly accessible spaces which can then focus on promotion to the world and getting incredibly inspiring music into Kyiv at such a pivotal moment in its history. For people who will try their hardest to speak their mind as honestly as it comes, and others around who will be able to support that honesty with their own, for hopes of a stronger world.

Full anonymity will have to be ensured in many moments (all the extra measures for those that need them) because I know there are many more people out there who will be speaking about things that much (probably) of the world would rather we don't.

Yesterday I finally returned to Stour Space after many months of distancing myself from it and everyone there (because I simply wasn't ready, will talk more about this later) in hopes of speaking to people I had found the last time I was there, and just to be heard by people who actually listen and already know where the world is headed.

The person I did end up speaking to came out of the blue and also happened to be the first person that I ever spoke to when I came to Stour Space, showed me around, and made me feel a kind of safe different to everywhere I had been before. There were other places in the past that you'd also hope to be that and in a lot of ways were that, but were simply organised by people a kind of dishonest with themselves that affected how honest they would be with you.

A fair bit of awkwardness ensued and head went racing. To think I nearly left at some point to come back tomorrow because that voice really was definitely trying, but ended up just calming down and writing finishing a witness statement by the canal and sunshine for about 2 hours. Was quite a ride but pulled through.

The one I wrote the day before was a much more personal statement about just what happened working at this bar, and why it shouldn't ever have happened in the first place. Personally a first for me but such situations aren't going to continue so I'm staying strong.

It all changes from this moment, and all those difficult situations before happened so that I could truly understand now why it is so important that I continue trusting my gut. After all those other people and places who dismissed me, many who simply would rather shun and shame instead of support, and for all those people who just aren't in a position to do it themselves.

I'm not gonna name any other names here or in the future but know that I've been all over London and even though it has been exhausting its the fact that in it was actually empowering me, little by little.

It got to a point where I was feeling strong enough to discover Stour Space about 6 months ago. I walked in and something only really possible with the idealising I'll never let go of. Even though it got me into all sorts of bad places before I never stopped believing it would get me to people and places the kind of good I've been daydreaming about for a very long time.

What I will be doing is posting both of the witness statements (exactly as they will be seen in court, if it comes to that) a little after I've spoken to the good people from See It From Her (link below) which isn't to say that I'll change my mind or what I wrote but I'm just not ready to share that here. There might be nobody reading now or for a while but it's what feels right and that's a feeling that when respected has gotten me further than I could've ever imagined.

Before writing them I knew that I'd want them to be public just because of how clear the harassment was (on top of many other things) how I felt about it, and I knowing that this situation needed me to be a kind of ready that I'm not letting overwhelm me. I know I might have to go to very serious lengths but See It From Her will be there to support me through the process when I feel ready to proceed.

It's the fact that this is something far bigger than me or this bar and I'm not letting them get away with breaking a law that is almost 9 years old now. It is a very good establishment with a lot of growth on the way, but first it has to first get with the times or people will eventually think twice about who is creating their experiences.

Sincerely believe they are a very good future of bars, only if they have as much passion for it (or money, haha) that will encourage them to do everything that needs to be done to make their bar(s) safe.

Thank you for getting this far, no matter how long it took. Whether you believe it now or not we're going to figure this all out together <3

https://www.seeitfromher.com

See It From Her + (SIFH+) is a project that supports women and those who feel oppressed because of their gender identity, to have a voice and be heard through photography and image.

SIFH+ is exclusively run by, and supports all women (trans, intersex and cis) non-binary, agender and gender variant people

-GF-

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