#i still am lazy but im not 11 anymore

[valswrld05]

ok, we need to talk.

cw??// mention of body image/body insecurity and eating disorders

I've been gone for nearly a month and I've thought about some things during my break.

I don't want to gain anymore. I like being chubby(sometimes), but I js realized that gaining weight has really messed up my mental. Ever since I was young, I was always told things like "if you gain weight, you'll become ugly" or "no one likes a fat girl". These types of things made me scared to gain weight. However, I have always been fat. No matter what age I was, I was never considered skinny.

From the age of about 8 I started to binge eat. I didn't it realize until I was about 11 when we were learning about eating disorders in health class. For about 4 more years I continued to research and take online tests to see if I had BED (binge eating disorder, im gonna just shorten it from now on). From all of this research, I had been thinking I had it. I told my mom but she didnt care. She just body shamed me and told me things like "you dont have an eating disorder, only skinny people have those" or "your just fat and lazy, stop eating so much". I felt so ashamed about my body and how I looked. All I ever wanted in life was to not be fat. So I turned to feedism.

Around 2019 was when I figured out this was a thing that people were into. I found videos on youtube and kinda just fell into a rabbithole of different sites and apps that had this community within it. I felt special in this community, because I realized that people actually like fat girls. However, there was a downside to this community. I felt as though I had to gain weight. I didnt force the weight gain because I have always gained from my BED. Online, I felt so amazing and confident with my body. But irl, I was a mess.

I was constantly having breakdowns when I stood front of mirrors, after I ate, etc. I hated gaining weight because irl society doesn't like fat people. We have always gotten mistreated in real life, in media, etc. And not to mention finding love. I've always been a hopeless romantic. And finding love as a fat girl is actually so hard. To end this off, when I turned 18 I went to a therapist, and I was diagnosed with BED. Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this message but I'll try to sum it up quickly and in a short manner.

I am quitting gaining. By no means am I saying that I'm quitting this acc. I still want to post, I just don't like gaining. I might even try to lose a bit of weight (I'll still stay chubby though).

Another thing I want to talk about: changing my layout/name.

I've started to get more closer with my irl friends and I always get scared that they are somehow going to find me. So I decided to change my name. My new name will be 'Val (which is short for valerie)'.

my new layout will look similar to this:

(also, this is an insta acc I made to post my pics and js other lil things, follow if u want :D)

always remember me🫡🫡

I just want to thank you for reading and I would just like to say a few more things.

I absolutely love this community!! I've talked to such amazing and sweet people through feedism. So therefore, I am still into feedism (in general and sexually).

Thank you and now I'm going to sleep because I am sooo tired

#feedee girl #chubby #chubby goddess

[axverelalol]

Bowser x Fem!!1! Reader Chapter 3

sorry for not writing i got kinda lazy and forgot about it, and due to school and stress and other shit but anyway i’ll start writing more and just suggest any x readers thanks! (also i kinda forgot the story line tho i do have the last chapter under this one aka in my notes app where im writing at so it may or may not make sense at first) btw heres something if u dont know it already but ok 

N/N = Nickname

F/C = Favorite Color 

F/V = Favorite Vehicle

D/C = Dress Color

H/C = Hair Color

E/C = Eye Color

V/C = Vehicle Color

yeah im not gonna continue cause yk laziness

WARNING ⚠️ - chapter Cursing, Blood, Betrayal

                                             Y/N POV

its been a hour since the.. yk- i’ve walked around still looking for  roma since he was up to….Something. and im still scared knowing about the so called ‘Wine’ after that you reached roma near a room then.. “ROMA!? ROMA WAIT-“ and with that said, roma left. i questioned why he always ignores me…

maybe its because i left for 4 years?

maybe its because i ignored him when he tried to talk to me?

Maybe its because i left the mansion?

maybe its because i never said goodbye…?

maybe its because….i dont know…..  i arrived to where roma was and there was a note on the door saying…

Hey N/N! Sorry for yk- But moving on! this is where you’ll find the F/C Dress At! And theres…. Other..things you might just need…THO IM NOT SUPPOSED TO DO IT BUT ITS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! tho we may never see each other again..But lets save the goodbyes for later! But anyways stay save N/N! who knows what else lies..ahead! 

       Love Roma~ 

Huh…what does he mean by… “We May Never See Each Other Again…?” i was very confused but i walked in the room seeing a F/C Dress with Red Pearls On The Top and The Dress Itself Had Sharp Pearls That looked like…teeth? idk.. then i saw my name on it “N/N”… Huh..? whatever 

                         After putting on the dress

wait..How does Roma know my dress si- Oh, right i told him  before prom night for me since he was gonna surprise me…i miss him alot- but anyways i walk out the room almost tripping on those goth punk metal Black and white boots with spikes(or pearl spikes if you know what it is-) you get near a door with spikes and spiked pearls on the door saying ‘N/N’s R00m’  “Huh..?” you shrugged it off then walked in and saw who you thought you would never see again….”FELIX?!??!11!?”

“Long time no see! Y/N…..” suddenly everything went black…

did Felix just..

betrayed you..?

                                              FELIX POV

i hated betraying people, especially if its...Y/N..but hey? she deserved it! b!tch left without saying goodbye. and said one time she’ll come back and its been 17 years…pathetic. finally i dragged her to her bed in my Yk, human form… Y/N Slowly opened her eyes so i had to leave quickly in my Yk form.

(Small pov ikik im not good at them if it isnt Y/N’s Pov)

                                             Y/N POV

I Woke up in..My room?- i dont know anymore. i got up and looked around, the carpet was blood pink (or whatever color it is?) and the walls were pinkish blood red (stop dont bully me i dont know my damn colors just pretend i meant theres blood on the walls and carpet and whatever else im gonna put) i saw a broken mirror with hello kitty case around it..they knew my favorite Sanrio character..? (if u dont like hello kitty then pretend its someone else like Melody or Cinnominroll or Kuromi or whatever) i looked into the mirror and i saw..a whole different version of me..dark hair, red eyes, and horns (like tords but longer aka eddsworld character i simp for but ANYWAY-) … what happened to me..? and there was blood on the side of my face then…i felt a sharp pain in my back..and blood came out my mouth and everything darkened….no..i cant..die..Mario.. Peach..Rose…Daisy.. Luigi…? am i.. dying….? then everything went black..

Short chapter, yeah get used to it im lazy. this isnt even a x reader anymore this is just death itself 😭

#bowser x reader #super mario #x y/n #x fem!reader

[queerautism]

right so it's call-out time for my old (and new) therapist

apparently my old therapist's impression of me was that 'i don't think my pills (supplements & meds) do me any good.' no, that's not true. she's gauged that i struggle with taking them, and sometimes i do want to tell the little inanimate objects to fvck off. it's a reminder of how broken i feel i am, as both a neurodivergent and physically disabled person. okay? okay. but i do know they do me a lot of good. my disease is rare; and my treatment does help. but there's still a lot of trauma associated with it. trauma that has apparently been watered down and minimized to mean stubbornness/laziness. i have a lot of trouble with taking my pills. it's something i don't think i'll ever get used to. but it's not because i'm obstinate. i swear. i wish it was easy. i wish i could look at it as just another form of self-care and self-cleansing, like taking a relaxing bath. and i don't even know how to explain to the medical establishment - which includes my old therapist - that you can be anti-recovery without being irresponsible or just plain wrong

and my new therapist is a lot better, because she's more accommodating, but every time i try to explain to her how my parents have traumatized me - and how i know there's nothing wrong with me, i know i'm being abused and i'm literally just venting because i finally can - she literally cuts me off mid-sentence and assumes that i need to do more to fix the problems i'm experiencing myself. i can't function around my parents. but apparently i need to just shrug it off and 'prove to them' that they shouldn't infantilize me anymore. i don't know what i can prove that i haven't already. coming up behind your nearly 21 year old kid at 11:00 PM and telling him "it's time to get off the computer" as if that's an objective, authoritative fact and not your individual opinion is already not okay. i don't need to prove shit.

Im so sorry, thats all bullshit

[straykats]

get to know me tag !

much love to @chogiwow for the tag; apologies for the late.. doing of (???????) dnskjv i saw it this morn but i wanted to do it on my laptop so had to wait until after work lol

1. name: kat 2. sign: virgo, forgot the rest 3. height: 167cm! uh. 5'5??? idk thats what google said but it gave more numbers 4. time: 6.29pm 5. birthday: aug 26 6. favorite band/artist: skz, oor, xh, atz, vaundy, given, lucy, ???? cant think rn 7. last movie: the chronicles of narnia: prince caspian (i shall be watching the last movie tonight <;3) 8. last show: i restarted hwarang,, so that's the last show i've watched (or am watching). other than that, idr 9. when i created this blog: idr vjdsvds i think this current blog was created in sep '19, but i didnt post until nov? i really dont remember 10. what i post: too much uhh used to be fics (not that's moved). moon pics. just random text posts??? mainly content rb ig 11. last thing i googled: 'narnia prince caspian' HAHA i wasn't sure what the actual title of the movie was. prior to that, '167cm in feet' 💀💀 12. other blogs: @/straykits (skz writing) ; @/tuskko (occasional anime rbs) ; @/angels-clockwork (aesthetics, quotes, art.. that kinda jazz) ; and another one which i won't reveal HAHA it's just where i rb'ing writing prompts or tips etc to use but tbh i might delete it bc i rarely rb anything there anymore 13. following: 65 14. followers: 1898 15. average hours of sleep: average would be 5-7 hrs (stealing ivys answer bc same) 16. instruments: violin (no longer play but give me a few days and i'll be back in shape i promise); piano (most recent); french horn (for one year, compulsory bc school curriculum, but i would 10/10 have picked it up if i hadn't already been doing violin; trying to teach myself guitar chords but im bad w commitment 17. what i'm wearing: trackies and a. uh. sweater. i think thats what this would be called. 18. dream job: girl idk something creative, but that's not what i'm studying HAHA so dream job in OT would be.. uh... in paeds? as of right now. i'm still yet to do a good paeds prac so idk 😭 19. dream trip: the bsic europe tour ig <//3; roadtrip with friends!!; singapore with friends/cousins 20. nationality: aussie 21. favorite songs: oh dear me. i can't. this is too hard. polkadot stingray - jet // caundy - life hack // yall idk i cant think rn 😔😔

unfortunately i am much too tired and also lowkey lazy HAHA (sorry) to tag anyone but lmk if u want to be tagged,,, and i will tag

#kat plays games #i always debate revealing what my study is bc if where i live + what i study is revealed #it can be pretty easy to find me i think AHHAHA bc only two unis where i live provide the course i study #and yet i still dont hesitate to say all that^^ LMAOOOOO

[datrosamelapibus]

A whole set of lore because I was lazy to post on time when it happened

Yesterday his friend of a few years that he once decided to vent to about me and the same girl who told him to break up with me (which later he blocked) has posted a pretty provocative picture and it's worse when I know that she is his type and not only that but she looks way better than me at least in terms of body, she's not skinny, I never wanted to be skinny, the only reason my ED exists is to cope, but in terms of ideal body I have a completely different view, but I could never achieve that since I can barely gain 100 pounds. I still remember how bad my ex was about that. He would constantly compare me to girls with much more weight than me (which got distributed to all the right places) and it sucks knowing I could never achieve that. Anyway I'm going off the point, I called him a pick me over that and it hurt so much that he thought I was dissapointed in him. It hurt, the way he said that made me cry instantly. I have a fear that everyone will betray me and I start hating my closest friends the second they do something slightly againt my views. I eventually get over it but I never forget that I only have one person (my best friend of 11+ years) who NEVER did anything to make me view her differently. We talked a lot last night and I still feel terrible for hurting him with everything I've said. But he did the same thing like that time I cried over what my ex did. He told me to breathe in and out as he counts and it was so cute just like last time. Im genuinely happy. But I will keep an eye on his friend, as I am a very petty individual and even though he blocked her I'm still hurt by the fact he was ever friends and even decided to vent to someone like that about me (for context she's not the best person).

///////

I got so stressed over my latin exam thinking I'll get a D but I got a B somehow??? Was literally crying and got yelled at by mom lmao

///////

My friend disappointed me. We've been friends for about 2 years and I genuinely loved her company. We agreed on most things and she's fun to be around, but since we know a lot of people that's where this story starts. I realized a pattern of her constantly rejecting every possible guy, and we casually talk about it and she confirmed to me on several occasions that she's into girls. I've been through my ex making me block her thinking that I'm cheating on him with her even, overall that question has been settled a long time ago. She's kind of a close friend that I really cared about and almost trusted on not disappointing me, untill our mutual friend for no reason at all sent me something. That guy is the ugliest most morally fucked try hard and also kind of desperate, yet acts like a ,,top g" fuck boy or whatever. Overall a very disgusting individual in every way. And what I've seen is her calling him daddy a few months ago. And no she doesn't anymore and she doesn't like him or anyone. He said he doesn't remember the context but I think he's full of shit. I was genuinely disappointed and I lost my respect for her. A few days earlier I snitched on some guy in a gc who talked badly of her telling her not to say anything yet she did, I feel like she's not actually into girls and did and would betray me over a man, so I have not said anything about the recent incident. I don't know what to think honestly.

///////

My huge fuck up of the day, few days ago I unblocked my recent ex, the one I wrote about, the whole pool incident etc., Well, I needed that Netflix password badly, but I think mom called me and then I went to shower and sleep and completely forgot, so next day I get a call and I instinctively pick up. ,,I'm not blocked anymore?" ,,no" ,,alright just checking...so how are you?" Followed by asking about my current relationship to which I said all positive, but when asking about his he said they have issues where he's basically an asshole towards her, genuinely sucks, anyhow we ended it there. Next day another call where he was crying how she broke up with him, and just said he's going to sleep. So I message him telling him to fix it with her, he didn't reply for a while untill 3rd day comes, we are texting about it, he's drunk and high and what not and is telling me how every aspect of his life is at it's worst. Then it ended on him begging me to come back to which I said obvious No. I felt way too guilty for talking to him in the first place, so I told my boyfriend about it as I promised not to lie anymore. Let's just say it didn't end well.

Silliest update he found my fake profile I made to stalk his terrible friend and I played stupid and he actually believed me lmao, although that bitch doesn't accept my request for days already for whatever reason.

Today he got upset over what I did a few days ago. I hate when he's upset and I hate knowing I am what caused it. He has every right to be upset of course, but I wish sometimes he would let me help and be there for him without attacking me, and If I say anything about how he is at the moment he'll immediately accuse me of trying to turn the blame on him and make him the bad guy which I would never even think of. I love him and I'll never get fed up or anything, I just need to let it out somewhere. No one made me happier than he does so it's better if I keep it in this diary instead of constantly just making everything worse. We quickly made up and he reactivated his old profile from which he texted me jokingly and I made it pretty sexual, to which he got upset again saying what if I was willing to do things with my ex just so that he doesn't tell him that we talked. I am honestly not a very sexual person, as I was only ever pushed into it and forced. I don't have good sexual memories. He knows it and I got pretty comfortable with him, he makes sure I know that I don't and never will have to do anything I don't want to and he makes me feel cared about. I feel safe. But I'm ashamed after what he told me today. Not only this but when I tried to reassure him that it's not true and that I'm not like that he said he doesn't believe it. He keeps pushing this hypersexualized image of me when he's upset and I hate it. I hate being precieved in that way and it hurts the most when the one I feel safe around does that. I still love him but I wish he didn't see me as a whore. I hope one day I can try being that way with him without feeling shame over the way he sees me. He then told me he knows someone who's always sad, his ex, and that, to make us even, he should let her vent. I just give up when I'm too upset honestly so I said go for it. Then he went on telling me how his ex shouldn't suffer in silence as she's been through a lot (her eating disorder) and I told him that I too keep quiet about those things. He was mean to me over my disorder. I told him that by doing all that he'll just trigger me and I don't usually talk about my issues, and as I was about to say how much it hurts that he's implying his ex has it worse he quoted what I said before how it's triggering to be compared or even see someone who has it worse when you have an ED.

So how I talked to my (recent) ex, I unblocked him wanting to ask for a netflix password, which I forgot to do so he stayed unblocked for a few hours, then I woke up and he called, we talked a bit and he was telling me how his new gf sucks, we end it. Next day he calls me crying as I'm oiling my hair to tell me she broke up, to which I texted him saying he should fix it with her. We talk a bit the next day and he's begging me to come back, which I obviously say no to. And guess what, now he's telling my old friend group that I called him instead of the other way around and him and his friends are saying I don't have any friends ☠️

[birdsofhands]

11/4/2023

currently reading: mayflies - andrew o'hagan

i love this song right now. ive been listening to it repeatedly for an hour now. it gives me a great feeling of comfort and warmth and love. there's something about it really that i couldn't put into words. it sounds like being young and hopeful. do you remember when you were 16 and had dreams so big it fills you up? i guess you do. of course you do. this song makes me feel like making promises you know you will keep and it's so sweet. it makes you want to keep trying.

as someone who loves finding songs that touches my heart i always try to find songs that feel the same way, each time. i listen to songs that i just discovered and abuse the oxitocin boost it gives me until it's all gone. i would search for songs that would feel like the song i was obsessed with right now in playlists and on search engines. but here's a realization: no song feels the same way as another. nothing else can capture the same feeling no matter how similar they seem in tune and sounds. just like how not everything feels like something. the same way not every feeling can be written on paper. and it kinda makes me cry, but it's amusing. life is experience. just like that.

another realization from listening to this song: maybe im the problem. listening to this song gave me a dreamy sense of yearning, of a certain someone to love me this way. but then i realized, why don't i have someone i coul;d dedicate this song to? why don't i love someone the same way i wanted to be loved? i keep asking for people to love me the way i can't towards myself, towards them too. i'm selfish. i want someone to love me i ask them to love me more than their selves, when im not even thinking of reciprocating it. all i want is to receive and receive and receive and somehow it's still the world's fault? why can't i be on the giving end of the song? why can't i love someone selflessly? the answer is simple. i am narcissistic.

oh and btw, we got back together after the day i told you we broke up. i kinda knew it was gonna happen. it's him and me afterall, this is what we do best. but god i'm so tired. right now i'm sitting on my computer typing on this stupid hard old beat up keyboard with a pink headphone in my ears. i'm listening to the song over and over in desperate attempt to keep the feeling it gave me.

i didn't go to work today. i was supposed to. but it should be a long weekend and i felt lazy, i felt like i didn;t wanna meet them. it's a pity tho because ella finally gave the 2k. i think edgar hates me again but i don't care anymore. he doesn't see how hard im trying for him. he doesn't know how many panic attacks i battled today.i need to pat myself on the back for it, because nobody does that for me. well yeah that's it.

#realization; #journal;

[draftsthatideletelater]

I honestly can‘t anymore (rant)

its 11:34 pm. i tried to sleep one and a half hour ago, but i couldn’t. something has been bothering me for a while now....

actually its for more than just a while... since after all this covid lockdown thing i became more introverted than i ever have been... more than being an introvert, i became extremely shy, and to be honest, stupid. i find myself in atleast one awkward/ weird situation per week, and i hate myself for it.

i was a lot different before lockdown. i was quite active in my class, and i was one of the top students. and now, 3 years later.... past me would be so ashamed to see the present me. past me would be embarrassed to see the present me begging to god not to let myself fail the math test again. past me would be horrified to see my extremely, terribly low self esteem and social anxiety. past me would not be happy to learn that even after a whole academic year some of my teachers still do not know my name.

i remember going to my father’s home when i was 5 and while traveling, i looked at the road and the never ending white stripes on it, and for some reason a weird thought popped to my mind : is everything real? am i real? is this actually happening? am i really going to visit my grandparents?

another vivid memory of myself when i was 5 was that of myself picking on my lips so much that it started bleeding. when my parents asked how it happened i lied and told them i dont know how. they assumed it was because of the extremely hot climate. they applied oil on my lips to moisturize and heal, and forbid me from eating spicy food as it would cause pain on the injury.

in my school, we only have science and commerce for higher secondary courses. i want to be an arts student. there were only one girl othe than me who wanted to be an arts student. our principal, during a meeting decided to ask us why we decided to pick arts. while the other girl explained beautifully why she picked arts, i sat there dumbfounded thinking for the first time, why did i pick arts? the only reason i could give myself was that i hated science and math. but thats honestly not a valid reason. so itold her i wish to become a museologist. my beloved principal didnt even know what that was. later my teacher told me she assumed museology had to do something with music, and she wondered why i picked humanities just to learn music. she praised the other girl for her wonderful ambitions.

i felt so left out and my self esteem went deep underground when i picked up the mic to speak in front of 120 students and at least 10 teachers and 1 principal that i want to become a fricking museologist. thats not even true. i dont have any ambition. the future to me is very scary and im genuinely afraid that i will become a failure in my life. i remember my class teacher chuckling to herself while she retrieved the mic from me. my brain has convinced me that she was laughing at all of my wrong life decisions.

im convinced that everyone hates me. i can blame them though. im such a weird, awkward and cringe person. its very easy for me to make you dislike me. all my classmates hate me and my teachers hate me too, because im weird and i never study well.

if anyone is reading this, which no one is, but for some reason i hope someone reads this and somehow understands me but that doesnt matter, anyways, i if anyone is reading this, you might have wondered why i mentioned about my lip skin picking and derealisation, i will get to the explanation soon, but another thing i noticed in myself was my carelessness. especially when doing math.but it increased in a huge amount during the online classes. i also tend to forget a lot, zone out a little during class(sometims only) daydream way too much, have intrusive thoughts quite often, started to become self conscious and become extremely lazy.

why i talked about all the random stuff i do/ have is because i believe i have ADHD. i just think so. but i should never diognose myself. so what did i do? i told my dad about it, only to get scolded by him and mom. they told me i have a lot of potential. i should stop being lazy and be more focused. its easy right? no its not. cuz i find it difficult to focus.

its 12 40 am right now and im slowly getting sleepy now. ill most probably delete this tomorrow and also regret posting this. but it doesnt matter anymore.

#rant #long post #help #adhd

[imokayipromiseillbeokay]

I don’t know what to do anymore, in november i started having non-epileptic seizures, they started off with one every few days and progressed into having multiple per day. i ended up being stuck in a hospital for a few days to try and figure out what’s wrong with me. they couldn’t give me an answer, they prescribed me some medicine to slow down my heart rate and sent me home. after having that medicine in my system the seizures stopped but then i started passing out. but it’s weird because i never actually lose consciousness. i can still hear, i just can’t move or speak, my whole body goes limp. i can’t even open my eyes. they started getting really bad where some of them i couldn’t breathe and would be like that for 10-15 minutes. (most of the normal episodes only lasted up to a minute) so i went and saw my doctor and she sent me to the er. they did some tests and it came back that i had a blood clot. so they did more tests. turns out i had four. two in my arm and one in each lung. so they admitted me into the hospital for a few days. my “passing out” episode became worse while i was there. they couldn’t find out what was causing these episodes. but on the good side they found out that the reason i had the blood clots was because of my birth control. so now i’m on blood thinners, and if the clots come back after i’m off of them they said i’ll be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. so now i’m back home and i’ve almost been home for a week and the “passing outs” have not stopped. actually they’ve gotten worse. yesterday i passed out 13 times. mind you i woke up at 11 am took a nap from 4-6 pm and went to bed at midnight, so in just 10 ish hours i passed out 13 times. it’s to the point i can’t do anything. i walk- i pass out. i lay in bed- i pass out. i play games- i pass out. i go to the fricken bathroom AND I PASS OUT. I TAKE A SHOWER AND I PASS OUT. I EAT AND I PASS OUT. anything i do i pass out. so i’m pretty much stuck in bed all day. the only time i get up is to go pee, ride with to pick my boyfriend up from work, and get food. that’s it.

so why am i posting this on my ED account? because i feel so so so lazy that i don’t deserve to consume food. i can’t burn it off, i can’t use it for energy because i don’t do anything all day. so i feel like there’s no point for me to eat anything now. and the sick part is i’m happy about it. i’m happy that now i finally have a good reason not to put food in my body. and i’ll finally lose weight. i’ve been stuck losing and gaining the same 5 pounds the last three months. but hopefully now i can finally lose the weight. i’m tired of being this big, i miss when i was skinny. i miss it so freaking bad. and all i want is to be skinny again.

(also the number of “passing out” while writing this is two, im literally just laying in bed typing this and i’m passing out.)

#ed bllog #ed update #tw eating issues #anareksia #tw ed vent #health issues update #health issues

[keefwho]

September 30 - 2022

7:24 PM

I’ve felt sooooooo bland the past couple days. Not that thats inherently a problem, it happens sometimes. It just kinda sucks because I feel booooring. I don’t have much to say and very little/nothing to do. Not the best social attitude. But I’m chillin. Maybe a drink tonight will kickstart me back up. 

11:34 PM

Im so tired of living out here in the middle of nowhere. I’m so jealous of my friends for basically have normal lives. I haven’t done anything for years but stay in this room and live on the internet. I just want to be able to go outside somewhere. Or meet up with friends more often. I don’t know. I feel so insignificant tonight. I don’t want to get down on myself though. There isn’t really anywhere I can go right now. I can’t drive yet so I can’t live completely on my own. Even if I could, it would have to be in a different state with affordable housing. And then what. Even if I did all that, it’s not like I’d have any friends wherever I went. I’d have to make them. What I’m jealous of tonight would take a whole ass life change. And it’s not really my fault anyways. There are things I could do around here too, I just don’t do them. 

I guess tonight I feel like I’m lagging behind where I “should” be. If that even matters. Life is too diverse and complicated to judge where I “should” be anyways. 

Another possibility is that before I felt like it was impossible for me to be someone that could drive, or have IRL friends, or even have someone that wanted to fuck me. But after figuring myself out for a bit and getting some perspective, I can have things like this in theory. Just not physically right now. 

The only way I feel like I can be any kind of meaningful in here is to dedicate myself more to art and crank things out like I used to. And draw things like popular characters again. 

Maybe I should get some kind of personal project schedule again. I remember it got kind of miserable but I’m still miserable not doing it and also getting nothing done. 

12:01 AM

For a very long time I feel like I’ve fallen off. I’ve become so detached from how I used to be that made me feel more relevant. Kind of like I made it and then got lazy. All I do is draw my own OC and a couple friends, and commissions. Art has gotten longer to make and costs more. I don’t do fun events anymore. I dont do collabs or fan art. I’m fucking nobody now. And I don’t know what to do about it. At this moment it’s motivating enough realizing all this, but realistic long term dedication to changing all this is a whole different challenge. I’ve already figured out I can’t just schedule all my personal ideas like work because it ruins the fun. Maybe I have to find a way to WANT to use my free time for things more often. But I’ve been trying to do that for awhile. I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. Ever

I’m not anyone anymore. 

#journal #diary

[love-that-we-were-in]

i just know nick nelson is an english bitch. but not in the normal way. he’s shit at all of it except the analysis bc his brain is just built different.

#everyone is always like ‘the author meant this’ and nick is just there with a completely different interpretation #and he never speaks up about it bc clearly if he’s the only one having it it’s incorrect #but then in exams he gets really high marks bc of it because there’s no way of him knowing that no one else thinks that #also you wanna convince me ‘he uses a fountain pen bc it makes his handwriting well nice’ isn’t an english bitch thing #nick is an english bitch because i am an english bitch and i said so #also like… he goes to grammar school #that’s some nerd shit #i say after turning down a grammar school #it’s at the top of a very big hill and i was 11 and lazy #i still am lazy but im not 11 anymore #instead im a school dropout :) #anyway yeah this is my character analysis for the day #nick nelson #heartstopper tv #heartstopper

[nobodycallsmerae]

Hey, I hope you’re well! 🙃Can I ask #7 and #32?

Hi hi!! I'm fine! I hope you're doing great too!! I've written another shot based on prompt #32, (which im quite proud of) and you can find it here. You haven't mentioned a pairing, so I'm just gonna write for bbrae :)

I humbly tried to dabble into the holy world of office romance. You should see my manhwa reading list. My last 6-7 webcomics are filled with office romances XoX

____

'What? But I've been working overtime for the past twelve days!' He whined, practically on the verge of tears.

'Well that's tragic,' The vice president rolled her eyes. 'But you are my secretary now, and you have to be competent in what you do.'

'But..!'

Raven Roth had no idea how she'd gotten herself into this situation.

She was the vice president of a successful company, an accomplished and respected 28-year-old woman, but now she was stuck here, in her office, arguing pointlessly with a man-child.

Her old secretary (and only friend) Kory Anders, was on her honeymoon, leaving Raven with.. Him.

‘No “buts” Mr. Logan,’ Raven cut him off. ‘The company is going through a critical time now, and I want every employee to give their hundred percent. And you-’

Sometimes she wondered why she didn’t just fire him, but, truth be told, even if he was messy, and lazy, and was definitely not used to working behind the table, 27-year-old Garfield Logan was actually quite good at what he did.

And also that her old secretary had personally hired him, and Raven did not want to deal with an angry Kory Anders.

‘M-Mr. Logan are you…?’ She looked at her now secretary, who had slumped shoulders and was looking downwards.

‘How do you expect me to work like this?!’ He finally snapped, looking up at her and walking closer to her desk. ‘I get sleep for a grand total of three hours a day, I haven’t had a proper meal and have been practically living on caffeine and I don’t have any plants in my new apartment!!’

‘Plants…?’ She raised an eye-brow.

‘I just needed a third thing, okay?’ Gar cried out. He took a few deep breaths and with his chin touching his chest, his shoulders began to shake.

‘Mr. Lo- Logan are you… cryi-’

‘Yes! Yes, I’m having a mental breakdown right now!’ He exclaimed, looking up at her with tears in his eyes. ‘You may be perfect, Ms. Roth, but I am not! I’m nowhere near perfect, and I’m trying my best to keep up with you here. I’m trying my best, I swear, but I can’t anymore. You’ve ought to give me a break. If I had a girlfriend, I bet she’d want me to quit.’

‘..Well, you don’t have a girlfriend…’ Raven quietly muttered, feeling kind of guilty all of a sudden.

‘Because I’ve been working for you the whole time!!’ Gar yelled, watching her wince as he did.

He finally exhaled, and calmed himself. He stepped back, and suddenly, a professional aura surrounded him, which made Raven blink twice.

‘..I’m sorry Ms. Roth.’ He regarded her. ‘I’m sorry for behaving in an-’

A quite peculiar, but not not-good sound made him stop in his tracks, and in front of him, he could see his superior…. Laughing?

Gar had worked for Raven Roth for almost a month now, and he had never even seen the sides of her lips turning upwards, often making him wonder if they were fixed in a slight frown. But now, in front of him at 10 pm, The Raven Roth was laughing her heart out. Gar blinked, and even rubbed his eyes, wondering if he was hallucinating, because, truthfully, the scene in front of him was… making his heart flutter.

‘I-I’m sorry Mr. Logan..’ Raven said between laughs, covering her mouth with her hand. ‘But no employee has ever talked to me like that before… I would say that you’re almost being… cute.’

‘Well.. of course they haven’t,’ Gar coughed, trying to hide his obvious blush. ‘They’re practically working zombies…’

‘Heh, well you know what,’ Raven sighed, rolling her stiff shoulders into her plush chair. 'You can go home for today… But, I need those papers present on my table by next Monday. Understand?'

'Yes, Ma'am!!' Gar happily exclaimed, saluting her.

‘I may say… you’re being quite perky for someone who was whimpering not two seconds ago.’

‘Heh.. yeah, about that..’ He blushed, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. ‘Can we just pretend the last five minutes of our lives never happened?’

‘Even the time I told you to wrap it up for the day?’ Raven slyly played along, not knowing what had gotten into her… but not disliking it either. ‘Okay, then, get the files from-’

She looked at him, pouting like a cute little puppy which was kicked in the- wait…

...Cute?

Raven Roth didn’t think things were cute, let alone other humans. She didn’t go around swooning over other men like some women, but what had invaded her thoughts right now?

Well, she did say that the puppy was cute… that had to count for something, right?

‘It’s okay, Mr. Logan, you may go. I was just messing with you.’

‘Phew.’ With a hand on his fine chest, the secretary let out a sigh. Wait, fi- ‘And also, now that we’re off the clock, please, you can call me Gar, Rav-’

‘And you may call me Ms. Roth.’

‘Ms. Roth.’ He smiled. He slightly bowed his head as a silent greeting and walked out of her office.

Raven thought about continuing her work, like she’s been doing every single night-

‘Mr. Garfield?’ She called out, surprising herself as she did.

‘Si?’ Gar immediately popped his head back into her office, almost as if he’d been standing in front of the door the whole time.

Now that he was looking oh-so intently at her, she blushed. And the last time the vice president had blushed was probably(?) when she was in kindergarden…

‘I.. J-just.. I wanted…’ Raven stumbled, making Gar raise his eye-brows with disbelief. ‘Just.. ah, thank you. I.. I needed this. This may seem a little out of character for me-’

‘A little?’ He teased.

‘Okay, well,’ She huffed. ‘This may not seem like myself, but..’ She sighed, almost bashfully fingering the folders on her table. ‘You know I don’t have many friends, everybody knows that. There are only people who are more-or-less fearful of me because of my designation. And ever since Kory went on her… vacation, I have just been working without a care in the world. But… this, whatever weird little confrontation we had right now… it was refreshing. I really needed that laugh, honestly,’ She chuckled. ‘So.. thank you.’

Gar’s face was colored red, and she was almost sure it mirrored hers, but he just smiled. ‘Anytime.’ He winked. 'And.. I'm your friend now! So don't hesitate to come to me anytime you're in need of a pal.'

Raven awkwardly smiled and got back to the task she was doing on her computer.

‘Umm.. Ms. Roth, aren’t you gonna go home too?’

‘Huh, me? No.’ She shook her head, stifling a yawn. ‘I have this presentation to be tak-’

‘What? But today is Friday.. You have the whole weekend ahead of you! You should take a break!’

‘No, Mr. Loga- Garfield, it’s okay.’ He'd taken a seat on one of the chairs in front of her table. ‘You should go ahead...’

‘Oh, Ms. Roth..’ He sighed. ‘If you take a break now, and get a decent good night’s sleep while you still can, you’ll be refreshed and will be more energized to do your work later on; which will make your work even better! So.. what do ya’ say?’

Gar smiled at her, but he seemed dumbfounded once he saw the expression on her face. She was blushing, very heavily, and Gar wasn’t sure if he’d done something which made her face flush. He raised an eye-brow, to which Raven shyly responded by pointing towards her desk with her eyes. As he looked down at where her eyes were pointed, he saw that his hands were covering hers, almost in an affectionate way.

‘Ahem.’ He pulled back at once, his face flushed with shock and embarrassment.

Raven tried regaining her composure, flattening the front of her suit as a distraction and trying to not concentrate on the warmth that was still lingering on her usually cold hands.

‘Well, Mr. Logan, I thank you for your concern, but…’ The VP sighed, eyeing the files on her desk, thinking back on what had happened a few moments ago. Raven wasn’t the kind of person to reconsider things; She had a schedule and she followed it accordingly. But she also wasn’t the kind of person who’d be easily flustered around people, blush (so many times!), or have such… inappropriate thoughts about a co-worker. (Raven believes “cute” is highly inappropriate.) She also made a mental note to go for a health check-up soon, because she wasn’t sure if her heart was supposed to be beating so fast. Or be missing beats.

‘..I’m going to say something and regret it real quick.’ She mumbled. ‘Okay.. have it your way!’

‘Sweet!’ Gar laughed. ‘Seeing as we’re the only people left, let’s head out together!’ He suggested before walking out.

Raven looked dazed for a moment, but then quickly sorted through the files and folders. She organised what she needed and what she would take a look at later, and sighed at her empty table.

Rummaging through her bag, she looked for her car keys. ‘Shit.’

'You okay?' He called out to her. 'Whoa, that was so cool!' She heard him say to himself as his voice echoed through the empty office.

'Nothing, just..' She exhaled. 'I locked the keys in the car, and my spare keys are at home...' She looked frustrated.

'Oh man...' Gar stood at her door, looking down. 'Uhh, can't you just call up your butler or something?'

'It's almost 11 at night, Garfield.' She let out a long sigh.

'Wait.. but can't you rich people like, call your butlers anytime and they'll be present?'

'What do you think this is, a no-budget fanfiction?' Raven rolled her eyes. Her head was laying on her clean table, and Gar couldn't help but blush after seeing her look so laid-back in front of him. 'Well, I can call them, but I wouldn't want to disturb them. Besides, I can just call a cab for now.'

'Or I could give you a ride!' Gar abruptly suggested.

'Umm?' The woman awkwardly raised an eye-brow, not able to find her words to reply to him.

'I mean..' He started, scratching the back of his neck. 'I was the one who suggested we wrap up for the day, and I'm here with you now. If anything were to happen to you, it is really unsafe now, late at night, I wouldn't help but feel responsible. So let me-'

'Garfield.. I-' Raven blushed. 'I don't think it will be suitable for me to accompany a co-worker like this... And also if people think there's an ulterior motive-'

'I don't have any ulterior motives, Rae.' He smiled. 'I'm just a concerned guy looking out for a friend.'

'Very well... Thank you, Garfield.' She looked down at her table, trying to hide her flushed face. 'Also, nobody calls me "Rae".'

'Yes ma'am!' The secretary smiled and walked out to his cubicle to get his things, leaving Raven alone in her office.

Right then, Raven Roth knew something had changed. Be it the atmosphere or herself, she wasn't sure, but something had definitely changed between her and this Gar Logan.

Maybe it was just one-sided; maybe it was because nobody had made her laugh like that, (even though he didn't do it on purpose.), maybe because no one else had ever suggested her to leave her precious work and get sleep. It could be because for the first time, someone had talked to her as Raven (...or Rae) and not “Vice President, Miss. Roth”. Or probably because it was the first time somebody had cared for her enough to stay back and offer a ride.

She wasn't sure why (or what exactly), but she knew something had changed... and in the deepest, darkest corners of her mind, Raven selfishly hoped it didn't change back.

‘You ready?’ He reappeared at her office, bowing a little melodramatically as he caught her eye.

'Yeah…' Raven smiled. 'I'm ready.'

____

Believe it or not the whole meltdown-in-front-of-lady-boss thing is based on a real incident lmho.

Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed this!! Please share your thoughts :>

[send me a prompt]

#My fic #Ask #shewhowillnotbenamed1 #Bbrae #Garchel #Prompt #Raven Roth #Raven #Rachel Roth #Gar Logan #Garfield Logan #Beast boy #Titans #Teen titans #Au #Office romance #Office romance au

[kiefbowl]

Hi, im 23 and my boyfriend is 44. We've been together for just over a year and have been good together, we have open communication and mutual respect. I guess I'm just wondering, in your opinion, because I respect you and value your thought processes, if its still wrong or predatory? I love him very much, he seems to love me too. Am I being naive?

Thank you for the appreciation. I’d like to put a caveat up front that I can’t know what your relationship looks like, and the only one who knows what it’s like and how healthy it is is you. Additionally, a relationship can have healthy qualities and unhealthy qualities, and good people can have a bad relationship. Healthy parts doesn’t mean the whole is good. 

No, I don’t think you’re being naive. I don’t think there’s any value judgement to attach to a 23 year old entering a relationship with a 44 year old. It does make my eyebrows raise. I find it extremely difficult to believe a 44 year old and a 23 year old have a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. I don’t think it’s impossible for large age gaps to exist in a healthy relationships necessarily, but when it happens with someone in their 20s, that rings alarm bells to me. Your 20s are still formative years, and it can be hard to see that while you’re living them. There’s a lot of growth you’re going to do before you turn 30. Your career probably hasn’t really taken root yet, your earning potential is going to (probably) increase (maybe even very drastically at some point), you probably don’t really own a lot of stuff and the stuff you own is most likely not all that important to you or of good quality, you’re still young enough to be under your parents insurance, your credit is likely not that great (not that it’s bad, but age of credit lines is a big factor in your credit score), among other admin things that might not seem that big of a deal but do help you form an identity. When I was 23, my responsibility as a consumer was nonexistent because I was poor, at points unemployed, at points living at home...it’s only in the past few years I could start challenging myself to live up to my values and a sense of character that’s important to me as a consumer because I can move around the world more freely. It comes with money, but also career position. So that’s one aspect of being 23...

The other aspect of being 23 is you are very, very, very young, and even without a lot of money it can be very fun to be very, very, very young. It can be a lot of fun being older, too. I’m not old, by any means, but from this point in my life looking forward I’m much more excited to get older than I was at 23. At 23 I dreaded it because it felt like I was running out of time to be young. You get older and you learn to accept it and you realize how much in your life can change in a short time and you realize there’s wisdom, position, and status to gain in each decade of your life. Obviously, not every one is fortunate and not everyone is going to have increasing good fortune as they age, but regardless of what you make or do, you learn and grow as you get older, and I think it’s easier to appreciate as your enter your 30s. So don’t worry about getting older, but let me tell you 23 is FUN. 

23 was also the worst year of my life. I couldn’t afford chicken nuggets. But my friends and I were also working a crummy starbucks job that gave me almost no responsibility. I would wake up at 11, smoke weed and eat cereal, watch netflix, walk to work, work 2:30 - 11, then go out to a bar with my friends and eat cheap wings until 2 am, go home and play with my cat and go to bed literally whenever in an apartment with no furniture to take care of. I’d be off on a random weekday and grab another random friend who was off to go on day trip in their shitty car to Milwaukee for the hell of it, or go take a long walk on the beach listening to music all day, or go downtown and go to a museum on a discount day because no one was there, or ride my bike in the summer sun to nowhere in particular in the middle of the day because people were at work, and then come back home and do fuck all. Then I’d do it all again, plus steal croissants from work and drink endless coffee all day. And it didn’t matter, I could wake up the next day energized. Yes, I was stressed out, and I didn’t always appreciate the joy that can be found in that life because of it also sucked ass, but the energy and fortitude you have as a young 20 something is a beautiful thing to live through. I wouldn’t go back to that life now having the space I’ve made myself in the world, but I love thinking back to it and I’m glad it happened. I had to work really really hard to carve my little place in the world (and I’m not done yet!!), but there was a moment right before I hit the pavement to make that happen where my life felt endless, fresh, uninhibited, palpable. 23 has a different freedom than 30 for me. Money allows me to move in the world freely at 30, time allowed me to move in the world freely at 23. At 23, you can do dumb things, party, hang out, be lazy, be reckless, make quick decisions, change your mind...and it’s good, not bad. It’s learning, and it’s fun. It’s celebration, and it gives you hard lessons worth learning.

A relationship is a lot of responsibility, and it can take the place of some of that youthful freedom. That’s not always a bad thing, love can be very fulfilling. When you’re strapped for cash, it can also be financially helpful. Two 20-somethings joining forces can get each other on their feet to be independent at a time it’s a struggle to do it alone. You’re in the same boat, you have the same struggle. But a 44 year old isn’t experiencing life the same way you are. And believe me, 44 year olds know that. A litmus test to to your bf’s intentions might be how he talks about that fact. Does it ever come up? Does he speak about it freely? Does he laud it over you or do you share experiences with each other like companions?

This isn’t the only factor to consider when trying to figure out if your bf is “predatory” in your words. Who your boyfriend may be and his intentions aren’t the only thing to consider when you want to figure out if you should be in a relationship with him. Who YOU are is equally important. I don’t know a 23 year old who wasn’t different the very next year. I don’t know a 24 year old who wasn’t different the very next year. I don’t know a 25 year old who wasn’t different the very next year. Maybe that’s true for every year, but the differences between my life one year to the next between 20 - 26 were striking. I walked out on two jobs when I had nothing in my bank account simply because “fuck this”....this year I was terrified to lose my job because what about my retirement fund. I work for “the man” now when 6 years ago I caused a mass walk out at work. I’m probably not going to have a radically different life next year. That wasn’t true of my early 20s. The switch from “my life is a mess but it can be anything” to “next year I should start a will and keep care of my assets” happens quicker than you think. Is he letting you live that life right now? Is he encouraging it? Believe me, you can be a mess at any age (and it can be a fun mess, too), and you aren’t old at 30 or even 40 or honestly even 50, you’re just not as tided to things in your 20s. Is he clipping your wings to be kept, or is he letting you fly recklessly into the sun just so you can see how far is too far? You just can’t get 23 back. It’s a lot harder to crash and burn and then pop back up without a scratch after your 20s. Does he want to crash and burn with you? Will he even let you without him? Does he know if you go out into the world young and messy you might learn a lesson or two that makes won’t make him appealing to you anymore? Is his love coming from a place where he wants you to thrive by your own mistakes? Is he excited to watch you walk out the door to take on a new day blind but fearless, just so you can come home and tell him the adventure you took and how it changed you? Or does he find that childish, exhausting, unfitting? Does he want to see you grow into “his” adulthood? Does he need you to fit into his established life more than he wants to live and work beside your unestablished life? I couldn’t even date someone younger with your age difference. They would be 8. But would I tell an 8 year old not to learn to ride a bike because I can just give them a ride in my car, or would I tell them it’s worth learning even though I know they’re going to scratch their knees up? If I loved an 8 year old, I know to see them thrive they have to scratch their knees up a little and I can’t get in the way of it, or they might not learn to ride their bike to take long rides in the summer sun. 

[unironicduncanstan]

rating disney movie sequels ive seen from worst to best bc i can

12. pocahontas II: journey to a new world - caught sight of it on my tv one time, and as a child who was probably still identifying as republican at that point, i s2g it was so racist i could not finish it. ‘wait till he sees you’ gives me fuckin hives

11. tarzan II - its. tarzan as a kid. like just more young tarzan adventures and dont get me wrong its a cute idea but after about 5 minutes it gets so boring 

10.  atlantis: milos return - this one gets a lil bit of a pass bc from what i heard it was supposed to be a better sequel but that got canned and they were working on a spin off series too so they just like. took a couple of the episodes they were working on and stitched it into a movie. its like a bootleg parody of the first film and my family and i despite loving the original , once again, could not even finish this one. the only memorable part for me was kida picking up a life preserver presuming its a game and milo telling her you throw it to someone whos drowning and she responds “does this not make it difficult to play the game”

9. beauty and the beast: the enchanted christmas - not that bad, tim curry plays a great villian per usual, its just kinda confusing where and how it fits into the plot of the first film. and its like. Dark? perhaps scary? for a christmas movie??? i remember my mom didnt want me to watch it every year she’d dread it bc it was such a bummer lol

8. brother bear 2 - ok nah introducing the new girl character was actually a baller move, and the concept was pretty cool. they just didnt make it fit very well and ngl the entire rest of the movie also feels disconnected from the first. had a lot of good dots but no good connection ya dig. also even though they tried in the end it was still just a ‘we have to give this character a love interest’ movie which kinda trumps the whole reason the first movie revolved around brotherhood. it aint wife bear

7. cinderella II: dreams come true - i barely remember it i am literally just giving it this high of a rating bc the romance between the baker and one of the stepsisters was so fucking wholesome. that true love lives in my head bitch xoxo

6. the rescuers down under - i never saw the original so when i saw this on tv i thought it was the original , thats how quality it was imo. i just hardly remember it and had no real urge to seek it out again for years. its eye catching but not super duper memorable

5. the little mermaid II: return to the sea - ik most of the plot is just the first movie reversed but i actually rly liked the character melody and how they inverted a lot of the concepts, its just. a lot of it includes secondhand embarrassment and some of it rly is too lazy for me to ignore. solid B- for me

4. the lion king II: simbas pride - INCREDIBLE soundtrack, nothing can beat the first but its still Baller, and the newly introduced characters are all iconic. my only qualm is how like. the concept of bigoted simba is very hard to watch which ik ik it makes some sense with the events of the first movie but jfc my man does not have a great look in this one

3. mulan II - most ppl hate this one?? but i actually rly loved the princess characters and the music as well, i watched it a LOT growing up. the whole mushu trying to break up mulan and shang thing is equal parts entertaining and frustrating. and the animation is a tad bit... off. but like am i ever gonna FORGET mulan hanging off the bridge and reaching for her man and screaming with her entire heart? or the way she kinda parallels his ‘ping, hold on’ from the first movie with ‘shang, hang on’? no

2. peter pan II: return to neverland - broe....... howd they take the racist misogynistic trainwreck that was the first film and make this. its so fucking good, it has emotional depth and speaks to kids who feel they are being forced into growing up too fast by showcasing wendys daughter going thru WORLD WAR II and making her an incredibly realistic portrayal of a traumatized kid, pairing her with the happy go lucky peter pan and the lost boys who CANT grow up, symbolizing the death of her innocence with the way that her not believing in fairies is slowly killing tinkerbell, it all just makes for a really impactful movie. and even in a kids movie sense its just so entertaining and at times really funny and/or whimsical? not to mention the ‘i’ll try’ song/scene gets me crying every single time. beautiful movie dude the only reason its 2nd is bc it is , So emotional that im not always in the MOOD to watch it bc i have to prepare a little

1. the lion king 1 1/2 - god yes i fuckign loved and still love this one so much. the music is fire the comedy still makes me laugh so hard and the whole idea is so fucking genuinely clever. god bless whoever came up with this one i had it on dvd and im p sure i watched it for years till it was so scratched up it wouldnt play anymore, 11/10