#i still don't forgive myself for how things went with everyone i've ever dated and sometimes i get really anxious when i think about it

[yourlocalgayfrogboy]

Part 2 of Shoto Todoroki x Wayne! Reader

You can find part 1 here

If you are a Minor please be aware that this will have some cussing. Also, this is a little mature because of the cursing.

Warnings: Cursing, crude humor, slight gore.

Pairing: Shoto x Wayne! reader

Song: Reckless by Madison Beer

Requests are open

Roy was nearing me on the stage. While I had just finished singing the song Jason had started. I look over to Jason and motion my shoulder toward Roy. Right, you need background. I dated Roy for three years and it was nearing our 4 year anniversary I found him with my best friend Thea Queen. In the bed we made. So now I've blocked both of them on every social media site known to man. Tumblv, FaceJournal, Instapic, everything even on WayneTube. Yes, WayneTube it's owned by my father's corporation. Not that it matters. It matters. I looked behind me and saw that the band was back up. I only had one choice. Delay the inedible.

"Hello everyone, Thank you so much for coming to my event. Raising money for Kyoto University Kyoto Hospital. This hospital had found a way to basically get rid of cancer in my mother; she only had a 27% chance of living, and Kyoto found a way to save her. They gave her a chance at living again. She'll finally see me grow up. Because for all this time I've lived with my dad. If it wasn't for him this event wouldn't be possible. So thank you." I was wiping away the tears that had managed to roll down without notice. I looked beside me and saw that Roy had reached me he had a look on his face and I knew it wasn't good.

"I need to talk to you." I shook my head at Roy and started walking down the stage. I went towards the refreshment table where Mr. Todoroki was. "Please n/n I need to talk to you." I won't give him my attention. "I'm sorry, I know that I hurt you I shouldn't even have slept with her." I turned around to him and looked him in the eye.

"No, you don't get to apologize. You hurt me more than anyone in my life. I can see that you're happier with her. I'm not her. So don't even try." He looked at me and shook his head in defiance.

"I'm not going to do that. I'm not happy with her I'm happy with you. I understand that you think that but I'm telling you that I want you." I had an angry look on my face. I turned back around and started marching toward the table. I grabbed a glass of Champaign downing it. If I'm going to face him might as well drink something.

"Hey this is story I hate

And telling it might make me break

But I'll tell it anyway

This chapters about

How you said 'there is nobody else'

Then you got up and went to her house

You guys always left me out..."

I remember the pian like it was just yesterday. HIs open mouth and Thea's shocked eyes pleading me to forgive the worst things she's done to me.

"I still have the letter you wrote

When you told me I was the only girl

You'd ever want in your life

I guess my friends are right..."

He promised me that we'd be forecger but hed decided I wasn't worth his time. You know, everyday I asked myself why I was so stupid to fall for a guy who wouldn't even treat me right.

"Each day goes by and each night I cry

Somebody saw you with her last night

You gave me your word don't worry about her

You might lover her know but you loved me first

Said you'd never hurt me, but here we are

Oh, you swore on every star

How could you be so reckless with my heart?"

I should have listened to my brain when it was saying that you were not good. But I was stupid enough to listen to my heart unprotected.

"You check in and out

Of my heart like a hotel

And she must be perfect, oh well

I hope you both go to hell

I till have the letter you wrote

When you told me that I was the only girl

You'd ever want in your life

I guess my friends are right

Each day goes by and each night I cry

Somebody saw you with her last night

You gave me your word "Don't worry about her"

You might love her now but you loved me first

Said you'd never hurt, but here we are

Oh, you swore on every star

How could be so reckless with my heart?

How could you be so reckless?

How could you be so reckless?

How could you be so reckless with someones heart?

Hey, this is a story I hate

But I told it to cope with the pain

I'm so sorry if you can relate."

I won't let him into my heart ever again. He hurt me so much and I'm not letting him hurt me again. So I'm taking his apology with a grain of salt. I won't let him even try. Never again. "Please hear me out n/n"

"I've had enough of you Roy. I'm finally happy and I've finally found someone who loves me for me. So please don't you come here trying to come back. Especially if we reviewed your phony excuses and how I let you break every bone in my back."

Like for Part 3

#Spotify #frogwrites #fanfiction #shoto x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #mha x y/n

[frankensama]

Quick thoughts on Cyberpunk 2077: Phantom Liberty + 2.0 + New Ending (Spoilers included)

For the last few days I've been playing Phantom Liberty, slowly taking my time I get to know the new characters, delving deep into the game mechanics and just immersing myself in this new expansion and fucking hell, I swear to god, I have it really well cemented in my brain that in Night City it's kill or be killed, and they still got me by the throat with how the story concluded, and the airport mission - IYKYK - was a banger, on some peak kino banger shit.

Which speaking of, about the expansion itself, great acting - I at first Idris sounded a bit stiff, but I got used to how that integrated well with his character's roughness -, the spy thriller element alongside the writing are so top tier, it's genuinely insane how they manage to keep it very human in the sense of how everything and everyone is unpredictable regardless of personality or intentions, the new music is so fkn glorious, like Adamczyk and Jacek fkn killed it, the new 2.0 changes and updates literally turn the game more mechanically significant, as in you can now more finely tune your builds now that clothing doesn't have stats + the skill tree, it's honestly immense the amount of work that went into overhauling the main game + the expansion too, I had so much fun.

And the song credits too omg, it's all fun and games until the Polish man starts singing lol

Now the new ending, I don't really feel it's as bleak as people say it is, not as bleak as having your complex trapped in Arasaka's servers, but man, it still hits like a truck. V is no longer able-bodied the way she used to be, all of your friends have moved on, the most understandable being Panam who is distraught and angry, the most depressing being Vick, the most empathetic being Judy - I played fem V and dated her - and the most happy being Misty, I really love her new design which seems to be a mix of her and Jackie's style with the jacket, she looks so cool.

It's kinda like a second chance at life ending, now V can leave Night City, free of any shackles the way I see it, and pursue other stuff, I really like it. Also, "Think we can in our heart forgive each other ?", genuinely the most beautiful thing Johnny has said, it'll stay with me the most no doubt. It got me and my friend discussing how choosing to befriend Johnny throughout your playthrough really makes for the best interactions the game has to offer, and I really don't think I could ever be an asshole to Johnny, no matter how many playthroughs I do, I just love seeing him either happy, really sassy or genuinely mad and concerned when time calls for it.

A part of me does feel conflicted with my personal feelings and V's intentions cuz their dream was to be a legend in NC and having that stripped away must be soul crushing no doubt, especially when you lose almost everyone you loved in the way stuff isn't what it used to be, but me personally I'm just happy they get a second chance and just figure shit out on what to do next, but if there's an ending I definitely see as canon/"good ending" where both our POVs align, it's the one you part ways from NC with the Aldecados and go away with Judy and Panam to live your last days.

There really is no other dev like CDPR man, I love em

#video games #gaming #ps5 #cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk phantom liberty #cdprcp2077 #cdpr #cd projekt red #Youtube

[born-to-lose]

Me knowing two of my exes still like me as a friend and actually don't hate me as much as I thought they would

#seriously that makes me feel so much better about myself #i still don't forgive myself for how things went with everyone i've ever dated and sometimes i get really anxious when i think about it #except for one of them i was the one who ruined all my relationships and especially lately i've been feeling super guilty #so it's nice to know they didn't completely break off contact with me and there are no hard feelings #even if i don't talk much to either of them for... reasons idk why i rarely text them first but yea i should change that #like i would totally understand if they hated me. they have every right to be mad at me but they choose not to 🥺 #sorry i'm getting emotional over this #i just think it's very easy to hate me after a breakup even if they're not necessarily nasty #so yea if you know you know thank you guys ily #mel talks

[ecclais-fouoras]

SOFTER ON THE INSIDE

"if you hurt me again, I swear I won't forgive you"

Previous one here

WARNING ⚠️: Slight violence, mention of abusive relationship and sexual violence.

Dinner time was around the corner, sometimes you and mina arrived at the table at the same time. Gaining looks from everyone else at the table, they had already been suspicious when they'd heard you make her laugh, to which she had replied that she was just laughing at how ridiculous you were.

People were really wondering what you had done to gain Ms Venable's clemency.

Wilhemina venable was a strong woman, she needed to keep her bitter and strong look in front of everyone else, even if she truly loved you, at times she had trouble trusting herself enough to let you help her and show you her true self. When the lights were down she'd let herself sweep in your love as you'd hold her in your arms, and spray kisses up and down her neck. You're love making was tender and passionate most of the time, you were still surprised at how well she could let you fuck her recklessly. Here moans filling your hears so nicely.

She had never known love before you, and she convinced herself she would never. But you showed her true adoration.

At dinner tonight everyone was sat down she entered the room and made a move to lower herself on the chair, but as she was bending down, a pain shot trough her back and she stepped outwards before stumbling. She fell on her ass and Everybody started laughing.

You immediately stood up to pick her up, leaning down to help and she flinched when your arms reached her shoulders. She lashed out suddenly at you. "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING MS Y/L/N." She stood back up regained her scary posture, straightened up her back. The look in her eyes was unlike anything you'd ever seen, the mina you knew was far gone. With those eyes she could have killed you. You're hands reached up to hold her steady and you muttered.

"Mi..ms..venable....are you okay.."

Something flashed before her eyes and she raised her hand in the air and slapped your face. You stubbled and backed away into the corner of the room.

"Everybody out."

She ordered the other survivors and guards when they didn't move.

"Grey's too"

You were shaking badly and starting to hyperventilate. Head resting between your knees as you held your body in your hands protectively.

She tried to get on the floor next to you when she realized what she had done.

"Oh god. I'm sorry y/n" when you didn't reply she tried to place her hand in your hair, the movement in your shock state made you push her away.

"DON'T touch me !"

"Y/n.."

"I SAID DON'T TOUCH ME"

"IF YOU want to have it this way."

She got back on her feet and left the room.

The evening passed and you were able to calm down a bit. You're heart was still racing fast form the panic attack and you're palms were sweating.

Another grey came to you and tried to make you feel better. They talked to you and brought you some water.

When you had fully came back to your  senses you got up.

The nauseated state you were still in made it hard for you to go back to your room but you still managed to make it.

You were definitely not expecting wilhemina to sit on the edge of your bed.

"What are you even doing here"

"Come on. You can't be mad at me for such a simple thing"

"Get out. I'm not in the mood. I'm too tired to fight with you"

She stood up and went to you.

"Y/n..."

"Seriously mina. Go back to your room, maybe some sleep will actually show you how much you fucked up"

"How does it feel to be such a touchy feely person"

"I'm not a "touchy feely" person you slapped me ! In front of everyone"

"I can't treat you any differently than anyone, they'll get suspicious..."

"I don't care. We are dating ! And the real problem isn't that you can't treat me different. It's that that's how you treat everyone else."

"You never had a problem with how I treated people, that's who I am."

"No. That's not "who" you are, that's how you act. Now get out" she let out a Laugh before trying to place her hand on your arm.

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this ?"

"Because I was trying to help you up and you hurt me ! For no reason ! I saw the look in your eyes Mina ! I saw what you are capable of."

"Is that really what you think of me ? Do you really believe I'm going to hurt you ?"

"I honestly don't know. And I can't take that chance so please leave"

"I..i don't understand...i thought..i thought you loved me ?"

"I do. But that has nothing to do with what you did"

"I don't understand... Slapping is nothing.."

"Slapping isn't nothing"

"My parents slapped me and I turned out just fine !'

"Yeah, that's why you're scared of being vulnerable, never show you're feelings, has a shit tone of self hatred. Seriously ? "

"I..I'm.."

"Yes slapping isn't the most violent act ever, bit it's usually the first one before them. I can't let you hurt me. I can't even take the chance."

"I...I would never hurt you again...I'm sorry I was just out of my mind... humiliated..I didn't know how to react anymore..."

"I know. And I'm sorry for that, I truly am."

" I never thought you'd react so badly"

"That's the thing, you don't know what people might feel when you hurt them. Some of us have trauma, some of us have complex and singular PTSD, some of us can't bear being yelled at, some of us have spent our lives being degraded by people we loved, you can't just go around treating people like shit."

"I...know..I'm just..."

"Trying to protect yourself I know, but you don't need to anymore, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere unless you hurt me ever again, and I love you"

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are, you should be"

"I really am, that's why I came here, I feel terrible about it. I should have never raise a hand on you" she didn't know all of your past, of course you had talked about it a bit, but you left the hardest parts away, she didn't know about the tremendous amount of times where she had apologized to you like this after hurting you, you swore to your life you'd never fall for that again, and here you were forgiving her, you needed to make things clear, wilhemina had her own demons, but sharing them would make them easier to fight. Together.

So, you took you're clothes of and went to bed, signaling her that she could do the same. Your gaze following her silhouette across the room while her hand ran through her hair, and the other one adjusted her nightgown.

You both laid facing each other, mina's apologetic Look piercing your skin and you battling away when was the right moment to speak. Her hand found your cheek where she'd hit you, her delicate fingers caressing you as if to say, 'you are safe, I made a mistake and I'm deeply sorry, but I love you still'. You took a deep breath and started

"..I reacted badly because...I've been there before. I've let it happen once, what's to say it's not gonna happen again. Here. Where I don't have anywhere else to run to. I can't let that happen again, it hurt to much then. It took me years to build myself back up, years of medication, therapy, and it had taken me years before that to build me again. I've been shattered to many times, I've had people break me for fun, for love, for traditions for family to many times before."

She listened in silence a single tear leaving her eye as she tried to sniff quietly.

"There was the person I called my best friend, there was my biological father, there were my other relatives. They all hurt me by using my body for their own pleasure, some more violently, but in the end Sharon was the only one who apologized, she was the only that I loved and the only one who claimed to love me back. In the end she ended up with her hands around my throat and my blood on her clothes in front of my son."

Her hand found my neck while she tried to bring me, or was it herself, some comfort.

"And I need you to promise me that you will never ever do anything like what you did to me today, I don't care if they know, my safety should be more important than hiding our relationship."

"I know...I'm sorry for what I did today, I love you so much" she said while crying sofly.

"And I love you too mina baby"

You said cupping her face and kissing her lips gently.

"Now we should sleep it's late and I'm exhausted."

You both laid in each others arms, the live you had for each other was enough to heal the bleeding wounds that you both wore on your heart.

A/n sorry for the delay I'm very very very very busy

#sarah paulson fanfiction #wilhemina venable x reader #wilhelmina venable #soft!mina #sarah paulson characters #wilhemina venable #ms venable

[lilallama]

Valentines Day

TW: Obsessive behaviour, mentioning of stealing and slight homophobia, proceed with caution!

"Taehyung sweetie, wake up.~"

I groan and turn in my sheets, slowly regaining consciousness. "I've prepared you breakfast. Get dressed and come downstairs." The clacking of my mother's heels echoed through the hall as she went away. Groggily I sit up and stretch. I push my bangs out of my eyes I stare towards the window to my left. The sun shines through the thin curtains casting an orange light on my bedroom wall. I yawn and stand up, pulling the curtains aside and flooding the room with light. I take a moment to look outside, admiring our beautiful garden before remembering what day it is. Today is Valentines day! My God/Goddess asked me to meet up with them. Oh, spending Valentines with my saviour is the best thing to have ever happened to me!

I rush to pick out a white dress shirt, a khaki sweater vest with a black pair of slacks. After also brushing through my hair to untangle any knots I opened my secret Y/n shrine. The picture of their smiling face makes my heart pound so fast. They are otherworldly, absolutely ethereal! I take out a shirt of theirs which I borrowed a while ago. If I close my eyes it still smells like them, it's addictive.

Just to make sure that no items were robbed from their place I go through all items once again. Five chewed on pencils, a small box of empty wrappers, my 20 most favourite photos of them, the candle they accidentally bit into because they thought it was edible, the borrowed shirt, a pair of their underwear, a bunch of pins and hair ties they touched, the bundle of 36 hair strands I managed to collect (I only collect the hairs that have fallen out, I would never dare to cut or rip out my God's/Goddess' hair) and my water bottle which they drank out of (I had to buy a new one to keep this in my shrine but it was so worth it). All my items were there.

Suddenly I hear clacking and a small thud. I turn around in confusion, what just happened? But then I hear Yeontan's bark from the other side of the door. He ran against the door again. I can't help but laugh as I go to open the door for him. He jumps up a bit so I kneel down to pet him. "I'm meeting up with Y/n today, isn't that exciting!" Yeontan immediately started yapping, he loved my God/Goddess almost as much as I do. It's really incredible what an effect Y/n has on everyone, they all seem to love them. Well, then again that is expected to be the case considering Y/n is such a godly being.

"Taehyung!" "I'm coming!" My mother called me again. "Come on, boy." I hurry downstairs with Yeontan following me. "Good morning, Ma. Good morning, Pa." My father nodded at me while my mother beckoned me to sit down and eat. While I finish my breakfast my mother was talking about a lot of stuff. "Have you heard, they're trying to make gay marriage legal here. That is complete nonsense! God created a man and a woman for a reason." I have no clue what my mother was raging about. I concluded that she's probably just misinformed, Y/n said that being part of the lgbtq community is completely natural and alright. I know they know better than anyone else. "What's so bad about it, Ma?" My mother looked at me with horror. "They can't help who they're attracted to. It's all natural, isn't it?" My mother shook her head. "No!" She exclaimed, "Being gay or trans or something is inherently selfish! Gays are selfish! Men and women were created by God to conceive a child and stop the human kind from getting extinct. Trans are selfish! God gave you a body and you chose to change it in it's entirety! Such behaviour is unacceptable." "But I thought God loves everyo-" "Where have you even gotten that idea? Maybe you should go back to homeschooling. Clearly these other kids are having a bad influence on you." I look over to my father who just continues reading the newspaper. I respect my mother but she clearly isn't ready yet for the wisdom Y/n has bestowed upon me. Not everyone is as lucky as I am. "Look at the time we'll have to go now." Right, it was Sunday which means we're going to church. I always like going there, the windows astound me everytime. And the pastor is always so welcoming and friendly. I vividly remember asking him about the lgbtq community after Y/n had told me about them. He said that God loves everyone regardless of their sexuality or gender identity. He truly is a wise man.

As soon as we returned my father got a call from a business partner. They said they'd have to go now and want me to take Yeontan with me to my meet up. While I was a bit saddened that I couldn't be alone with my God/Goddess I decided it wouldn't be a problem.

Yeontan excitedly trots besides me as I make my way to the place where my saviour and I would meet up. I debated getting them a bouquet of red roses for Valentines day, but figured that the 20 letters, 12 stuffed animals and 18 bouquets I gave them during the past week would be enough, for now. As I make my way there I couldn't conceal the excitement I felt. Getting the chance to spend time with my Master/Mistress was something I believed I'd only ever dream about. The euphoria I feel from the mere thought of getting to see them today is dizzying.

Suddenly Yeontan starts barking and storms off. He never leaves my side, that's why he's not kept on a leash. To see him run away from me like that was surprising at best. But then I notice the reason for his behaviour. The puppy ran towards Y/n who was waiting for me a few metres away. How could I have just ignored my saviour like that! What I did was unacceptable. I would punish myself, but it would likely ruin Y/n's day, I can't let that happen. So I run after Yeontan, towards my God/Goddess.

"Good morning, Y/n! I'm sorry about him." I look down at Yeontan who's still getting pet by Y/n. He better cherish that they're even looking at him. It's bad enough that he practically demanded pats from them. So disrespectful. "No worries. He's so adorable!" At least Y/n seemed to enjoy his behaviour. I doubt it would work if I behaved that way towards them, but that's for another day to find out. "I dearly hope you didn't have to wait too long." They smile up at me. Oh, their smile is to die for. So incredibly perfect! I feel my knees getting weak. "Don't worry about it. I just arrived too." Yeontan started barking again and was noe excitedly jumping around, making Y/n laugh. "Awe! Yeontan is so adorable. I didn't know you'd take him with you." "It was unexpected for me as well." They stand up and take my hand. My heart is beating so fast, I feel as if I'm about to explode. It's getting harder to breathe. "Let's go now!" We start walking along the path with Yeontan rushing after us.

We sat outside a small café and each ordered our desired dessert. "Have you ever been on a date?" That question caught me off guard. "Oh, no. I haven't." I believe that much was quite obvious, but perhaps I was mistaken. They look surprised, shocked almost. "Really? How come? Aren't you getting asked out left and right?" "I suppose I just never had interest in anyone. I barely know those who ask me out. They're all so shallow to confess without knowing anything about me." Just then the waiter returned with our desserts. We thank him before we start eating.

Both of us watch as Yeontan is running around and playing in the snow. I look over to see Y/n smile at him, leading me to also smile. I adore their smile. Everything about them is so perfect. I could stare at them for hours and never get bored. Each detail is something new, something beautiful to discover. Unable to take y eyes off them I-

"Excuse me." Who dares interrupt my special time with my God/Goddess?! Two girls stood next our table. One almost cowering behind the other and mumbling something along the lines of, "Oh my god, no. Jess, don't." But I really couldn't care less. "My friend thinks you're really cute and was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with her." So annoying. I eye them down and make one thing clear. "I'm not interested." The girl cowering behind the other looked disappointed, perhaps ashamed. Good. She should be. After they interrupted my date with the Y/n they can go burn for all I care. "Have a good day." After the girls back away with the other girl exclaiming, "What a jerk!" I turn my attention back to Y/n. "Uhm, wasn't that a bit harsh?" They looked unsure. "Was it? I thought it was reasonable. Better to tell the truth than lead them on, am I correct?" They took another bite of their dessert. "I guess you're right."

We had a grand time strolling through the park, even having a snowball fight. They won. Obviously I could not compete with my God/Goddess, no one could ever. Yeontan was also very entertained as he kept trying to catch the snowballs as they flew over his head. Soon the sun began setting. It was incredible how fast the time flew by. Both our clothes were slightly damp due to the snow. I didn't think much about it untill Y/n began shivering. No no no no! My saviour could get sick, or die! I couldn't let that happen. I take off my jacket and gently place it over their shoulders. "But, won't you be cold?" I give them a reassured smile. "Don't worry about me, my God/Goddess. If I may, I'd love to accompany on your way home." They let out a bashful chuckle, making me melt. I feel my entire body heating up from that gorgeous chuckle. Their power over me is simply astounding.

All the way home I keep my arm atound them in hopes of providing some form of warmth for them. I cannot bear knowing that they're freezing. Never would I be able to forgive myself if they'd catch a cold. Yeontan was also slowly getting tired, which was by bo means a surprise considering how he played and jumped around all day. "Thank you for bring me home, Taehyung." Hearing them say my name makes my entire body tingle and flutter. "You do not have to thank me, Y/n. It was an honour!" Whatever I expected, it was not feeling their lips against mine. My mind went blank and I could barely stand. I felt dizzy, yet so so good! They gave me my jacket back after the short peck and laughed. "Goodnight!" Then they went inside and closed the door. I stood there for a moment, shocked at what had happened yet freling absolute bliss. After a minute or so I manage to finally pull myself together. I put on my jacket, it smells like them! And then I picked Yeontan up and walked home.

Oh, this day was the best I've ever had!

If you liked my work please reblog! 💌

#yandere bts #cooking club #yandere taehyung #yandere v #valentine week

[devilbat]

Quarantine Online

A/N: sorry I have been MIA for months now. A lot has going on in my life and Depression sucks, making it hard to write, so forgive me.

Tom Hiddleston x Reader

Warnings: Just fluff

Summery: dating is hard it's even harder when a Pandemic happens.. 

     The picture you stared at only showed a well-toned lean body in a well-tailored suit. Most of the photographs showed the same, never his face. His name was Tom 39 years old, living in London. Though he dose travels a lot for work. Shakespeare fanatic, runner, enjoys cooking, long walks with his dog when he's not running and lots and lots of dancing. Six foot one, six foot two on a good day. Who was testing the waters out there, but will be the perfect gentleman and very respectful.

        His profile stated as you looked through it. He had messaged you right as you thought about giving up once again. Everyone on these dating apps only wanted one of two things. Nudes or sex nothing more. No connection, no relationship, not even a friendship. Sure, you were offered friends with benefits.

That was something you were not looking for. Did it not state in your profile that you weren't going to do any of that. Do men even read?

       The few dates you have gone on all ended up a bust. Then the quarantine happened right as you were getting yourself out there. So it was conversations via text. But soon you were ghosted far too many times because you wouldn't send nude.

        You were all about to shut down your account when this man named Thomas H. sent you a message. You weren't even sure why you click on the email from this man without a face. Here you were reading what he had to say.

       Y/n,

           My name is Thomas, but naturally, I go by Tom. I'm sure you might not even respond to this as there is no face to this profile. With my job and for my privacy would be one of many reasons why. But I thought I might give it a shot. And I have to say I'm quite mesmerized by your beauty. You are quite lovely, and I'm sure you get that a lot. But I genuinely mean it. I was a bit fascinated by your profile as I read it, might have had chucked at a few bits of it. I would like to know more about you.

       Like what type of nerd are you? Marvel or DC?

Star Wars or Star Trek? And of course, I'll answer any questions you might have for me. As well I would not ask for any pictures of you clothed or nude as I would like to get to know you as I'm hoping you wouldn't mind getting to know me without the nudes as you put it. Ehehe.

     I genuinely hope to hear from you. But understand if I don't.

Sincerely, Tom.

    Ps, I do hope this quarantine hasn't made you gone completely bonkers.

       Usually, you wouldn't have responded, but something about him told you not to pass this up. What was the worst that could happen that already hasn't happened on an online dating app? Well, there was always the fact he could be a serial killer.

       Hello Tom,

    You may have messaged me in time I was about to give up on this site and return to my habit.  Marvel all the way. I would hope you would agree or we can't continue talking. Though, I can't deny that DC needs to just stop with Batman movies. The should have stopped before George Clooney. Though I will give Christian Bale props, he did a better job than Clooney.

         As for Star Wars and Star Trek? That is a tough one, so I'm just going to say both are good. But let's face it. Captain Kirk is the better star fleet Captain. Sure Picard is excellent as well. But anyone after them just doesn't do it for me. Ha ha..

     And it's all about Baby Yoda. If you are not a baby Yoda fan, you're just wrong. Yes, I'm one of "those" girls.

Coffee or Energy drinks? I would say I dabbled in both. Pancakes or waffles? Yes, there is a difference. I'm a waffle girl myself. Well, that is all I can think of right now.

Y/n.

You hit send before setting your phone down on the table next to you as you yawned. Maybe it was an early bedtime, not like you had anything better to do. You puddled around your usual routine before bed. A loud ding brought you back to your phone.

"That was quick." Recognizing the chim of the app all too well. Grebing your phone, forgetting your face cream as you were curious about what he had to say—settling into bed, getting comfortable before you opened your phone.

Y/n,

I'm delighted to hear from you. If I'm quite bold, and for starters, its tea for me. With two sugars and a splash of cream. As for waffles or pancakes, I'm French toast kind of man, duh. Lol. Though you can't beat a good old fashion English Breakfast and a side of Earl gray. Eheh.

I'm quite a fan of marvel though it is a rather vast universe. What movies/comics praytell do you prefer?

Sorry love to disappoint, but I'm going to say Doctor Who I am British. The tenth and the eleventh doctor. I do hope you've seen the show. I used to watch the reruns of the original with my father when I was a young wide eye lad. I am a fan of both Star Wars and Star Trek. And there is nothing wrong with liking a baby Yoda. He is exceedingly loveable.

          It says your new to England, where are you from originally? How long have you've been here? Seen any of the sights England has to offer?

       That's all for now.

Sincerely, Tom.

          Emails went on for weeks talking back and forth first on the dating app than via text. You were the one to leap by giving him your number. After hitting send your phone vibrated with a text.

         Unknown number: Hello love, this is Tom. I'm delighted to receive your text.

        More weeks had passed. Still, you had yet to see his face though he did send you photos of random things during the day. You did the same as your toes sticking out from the bubble bath. Then you got a text of his toes sticking out from under the blankets. The two of you would watch a movie together. The quarantine was still in effect. Each of you would pick a film out every other weekend and sit back and watch it—text throughout the movie.

          Y/n: Omg did she just run up the stairs like a dumb big boobed bimbo!!! She makes the rest of us look bad.

Tom: Eheh, you said it darling, not me. Though I think she might survive this.

Y/n: Wanna make a beat? I think she will die within the next few minutes.

Tom: Oh, it's on. Now, what do I get if I win?

Y/n: Whatever it is you want cause mister you are going to lose.

You both patiently wanted to see what happens next. The movie ended, and you waited in annoyance for Tom to respond to gloat about being right. And to see what he desired for his spoils of war.

Tom: Well, Love, it looks like I have won this round.

Y/n: It seems you have butthead. What is it that the winner wishes for?

Tom: Did you just call me a butthead? Eheh. Hmm, let's see. How about a Skype date? I figured it was about time to reveal myself.

Y/n: Tom, I just meet you. I'm not sure I'm ready to see your eggplant. Haha.

Tom: I probably should have rephrased that better. My face love, my face. Eheh. Tomorrow at 7 pm?

Nervous was an understatement. You had cleaned your whole flat even if you were going to stay on the couch, laptop resting on a large pillow setting on your coffee table. You sat playing with your hair, unsure if you wanted it up or down. A chim from your computer startled you from straightening out your dress you finally had settled on. Soon a well-tailored suited chest came on screen.

       "Hold on, darling, trying to adjust this blood screen." The deep British, very attractive yet somehow familiar voice rang through the computer speakers. You only assumed it belongs to Tom.

           You watched the man attempting to fiddle with the view, cursing ever so quietly. Making you giggle relaxing a little bit more. Your laughing came to an abrupt halt when Tom's face came into Focus. Your jaw dropped. And now the unmistakable "ehehe" came in to play as you stared at none other the most eligible bachelor in England none other than loki himself Tom Hiddleston.

           "Darling, I think your drooling." Tom teased point to the side of his clean, shaved face. Tom fidgeted with his now raven-colored hair.

          "Oh, I-I," You stammered out, trying to compose yourself.

           "Didn't see this coming did you?" Tom smiled, wetting his lips with that blasted tongue of his.

           "Well, no. I wasn't expecting Tom

Hiddleston."

           "Is that a bad thing?" Tom spoke up.

           "Oh, no, no. I would be an idiot to say it was. Hey, wait a minute. I've told you that, that, that. Shit." You muttered.

          "That I was your hall pass if given a chance. Eheh. Well, it looks like you'll have had wasted your hall pass privileges. You only get one and can't use it on someone if you are already seeing them."

        "You know, sir, you are still a butthead." You stuck out your tongue at the man.

        "You do like calling me that. Why are you calling me a butthead this time?" Tom grinned.

              Your time with Tom was extraordinary, the two of you talked throughout most of the night. He told you things you never knew about the actor every woman pined over. Here you were, the one woman out of a billion he seems to fancy.

           "Well, love." Tom cooed as he watched you try not to nod off to sleep. "I should let you sleep."

         "I'm sorry." You muttered sleepily.

          "Do not apologize, my dear. I should be the one to apologize I've kept you up most of the night.” Tom smiled softly. He watched as you rub your eyes, a shy smile softly graced your lips. Making Tom’s heart flutter.

”Perhaps, my dear, would you like to meet for coffee at the cafe that opened back up?” Tom hummed in high hopes.

”Hmm, I don't know.” You smiled, trying hard to look like you were contemplating though you were going to say yes. To hell with this virus, it was Tom Hiddleston asking you to coffee.

”I mean, I'll wear a mask and stay six feet if needed.” Tom added quickly.

”No, no, there is no need for that. I don't mind unless you feel like it's needed.” You pipped up—Tom grind like a fool shaking his head no.

#tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston x you #tom hiddleston x reader #tom hiddleston fanfiction #tom hiddleston one shot #fluff #quarantine online

[danceing-spelled-wrong]

I've created siblings.

Yes. I'm brain dead.

Yes I have too much time.

Yes I'm dying

And yes. They over lay with Amly

I guess I'll explain them..woo..

Cemi:

He came to Snaktooth Island because he was dragged there by his older sister

He's not a well known icon, but he's known for his modeling gigs

He gets crushes pretty easily and gets upset when they don't like him back

Even though he looks like he would never hurt anyone, he could hurt anyone and will do it

He's really good at hiding and publicly speaking

When he first stepped on the island, he met Eggabell and fell in love with her

Then he met Triffany and fell in love with her, then Wiggle, and lastly Floofty

He doesn't like his sister because she spends time with Floofty

He doesn't like Chandlo(he got confused and thought he was dating Floofty) or Gramble because they have a thing for his crushes

He covers his left eye due to incident with a wild animal but his sister took most of the fall for him

His hut is right beside his sister's hut which is near the woods

In town, he's known as a bit of a stalker

He's relatively popular despite him acting shy which might add to his "coolness" but that's up to perceptive

Beffica made him a bracelet and he always keeps it on

Even though Lizbert's with Eggabell, Cemi doesn't hate her along with Wambus

He goes out at night to..do whatever he wants

You meet him in the desert where he's stalking helping Triffany

Charlia:

She came to Snaktooth Island because she wanted to study the snaxs and get away from the city

She took a liking towards Floofty and Snorpy since they're siblings and she just so happened to bring her younger brother with her

Her and Floofty get along due to their fascination of the bugsnax and both missing their limbs

She uses a prosthetic arm due to an incident that happened when she was younger

Amly tried stealing her arm and now Charlia always keeps it on her no matter what

You find her in the Sugerpines not near Chandlo or Snorpy but closer towards the mountain

Sometimes, she lifts Cemi into the air because he's light weight and because she thinks it's cute when he tries to get out her grasp

If someone is older then her, then she'll refer to them as a Miss, Mr, Mrs, and Mx

Snorpy fixes her arm when it's broken or just isn't working

Lizbert sometimes invites her on expeditions that way Charlia can grab some test subjects

She doesn't eat the snax, seeing them as..gross but she thinks that of anything she consumes

The experiments she does aren't harsh like Floofty's but it still involves scalpels and jars of unused parts

Besides doing experiments, she really good at sports mainly basketball and football

Dialogue in game:

Cemi:

Filbo

"He's really cool! He once complimented my fur AND gave me a high five!"

Wambus

"I don't appreciate him eyeing my wife, I don't see why Filbo thinks he's so great."

Beffica

"O M G! Cemi is like, the coolest grumpus here! I gave him a bracelet and he hasn't taken it off yet!"

Gramble

"He doesn't..like me.."

Wiggle

"Darling..he followed me for a whole day! I'm no stranger to stalkers but this is just ridiculous!"

Snorpy

"No comment."

Cromdo

"All he does is stalk people and everyone still think he's such a great guy!"

Amly

"Isn't that the stalker? Cemy right? Geez..I don't try to steal from him in case it directs his attention towards me."

Triffany

"Cemi? Oh dear..he stood at mine and Wamby's doorway and watched me sleep all night.."

Chandlo

"He assumes I'm in a relationship with Floofty and now sends me death threats.."

Floofty

"I'm confused on how him and Charlia are related."

Shelda

"Absolutely no comment on that..thing!"

Being asked about Floofty:

"I would say yes..but they haven't said anything about the love letters I sent.."

Charlia

Filbo

"She's so sweet, I would love to have an older sister like her!"

Wambus

"I'd like to know why she doesn't slap some sense into her brother, maybe then he'd stop with the stalking."

Beffica

"Eh, I don't speak to her but I do know that her and Cemi are related..I see the resemblance, but they don't act the same."

Gramble

"Oh..she's..very kind..and she drops off some bugsnax if she ever catches an extra one!"

Wiggle

"A lot less..strange then her brother, I would ask why her brothers like that, but I have a feeling she's a bit like him in a way.."

Snorpy

"Charlia's arm would always break so I would be the one to fix it for her, she's quite a fan of my work, mainly because I also have a sibling who is..different."

Cromdo

"A two bit goody-two shoes is what she is! She's just as bad as Beffica, but worse!"

Amly

"I can't stand her, she's too nice to everyone and doesn't get upset when I steal stuff from her!"

Triffany

"I'm not around her a lot, but she sure is nice to talk to when we're near!"

Chandlo

"Any friend of Snorpy, is a friend of mine. She can also can jump pretty high, she's a great opponent in basketball!"

Floofty

"A curious type, like Triffany but can hold back her joy in favor of science, if only she'd let me experiment on her."

Shelda

"Nothing evil seems to be stemming from in her..but still..avoid at all cost!"

Being asked about Floofty:

"I would..but I've seen what they do..and I rather keep my other arm.."

Meeting Cemi

"Ah! Wambus! I'm not eyeing ya wife! I swear!"

*calm down, i'm not wambus*

"Oh thank grump! I don't want to be thrown again.."

"Who are you anyways? You here to stalk too?"

*explains*

"A journalist? Did Lizbert ask you to be here..or something?"

"Whatever. I'm Cemi Bowtwist, I'm a model, you a fan?"

*Come back to town?*

"Oh no! No no no! If I go back, Wambus will rip me to shreds!"

*what did you do?*

"I..um..was watching Triffany sleep."

*that's creepy*

"Hey! Can ya blame me? She's married AND hot!"

"So no. I'm not coming back to town. Not until Wambus forgives me for my action!"

*why should he?*

"Because..he has to agree..his wife is really hot.."

*Sure I guess*

"Wowy! Thank you so much!"

*Wambus agrees as long as you stop*

"Oh great..sure..I guess.."

"Alright, who else is in town?"

*Gramble, Beffica, Filbo, and Wambus*

"Oh great..is Wiggle in town? If she's there, then I'll definitely come back!"

*Wiggle's in town*

"Yes! My girl is back! Awooo!!"

"Ha ha! Alright buddy boy, I'm-"

"Woah! Wait! I got to bring something for her! Ahh!!"

"Hey boy..can you..get me a Sweetiefly? The ones in the shape of hearts? If I give it to her, she might forget I followed her for a day.."

*gives Lovely Sweetiefly*

"Thank you so much! I guess I'll see you in town then, ciao buddy boy!"

Meeting Charlia

"Oh hiya! I haven't seen you around before..you're that journalist Miss Megafig told me about, right?"

"I knew it! But..I guess you came for no reason, Miss Megafig gone missin'..whya still here?"

*explains*

"Oh! That's rather kinda of ya!"

"They call me Charlia! Charlia Bowtwist! Nice to meet cha!"

*Come back to town?*

"Town? Well..I do miss my hut..but I'm about to make a break through! I've been testing this Strabby and learned that bugsnax don't have organs!"

"With this..I can finally figure out what bugsnax are!"

"But I need more.."

"If ya don't mind bitsy..could you get me a..oh..a Weenyworm and a Cinnasnail? If it's no trouble."

*got the worm and snail*

"Perfect! They'll do perfectly!"

"Hm..just as I expected, no organs! But that doesn't explain why they don't, maybe they're their own species? How come Miss Megafig is the only grumpus who discovered them?"

"So many unknown answers! I gotta get more info!"

"Maybe Mx Fizzlebean could help me..hey..are they in town?"

"If so..can you ask them if they're willing to help me with my studies."

*Floofty says they're gonna help*

"I always liked that grumpus...*sigh*.."

"I'm comin' back! I'll see ya in town bitsy!"

Welcome back message:

Cemi

"Hello Wiggle!"

"Oh..you.."

"I..brought you some Sweetieflies!"

"Cemi. I appreciate the thought..but this doesn't fix the fact you stalked me for a whole day!"

"I was making sure..you were safe!"

"....."

"How about a walk on the beach?"

"....."

"Hehehe.."

"......"

"I'll..just..leave them here.."

"......"

"Um..bye!"

Charlia

"Oh..hey sis."

"Baby brother! I'm so happy you're here!"

"Yeah..happy to see you too.."

"What brings you back anywho?"

"All my crushes are back and I plan to ask one out."

"I wish the best of luck to you little brother!"

"What about you?"

"Me and Mx Fizzlebean are gonna study Bugsanx again."

"Oh..well..can you hook me up with them? Tell them how cool I am?

"Sorry brother, they're just not interested in you."

"Yet."

"You really have a problem."

"No. You do."

"...."

"...."

"Well bye Ce!"

"Cya Char."

Interviews

Interviewing Cemi:

*Have time for an interview?*

"Of course, I'm always open for an interview!"

*Who are you?*

"The names Cemi Bowtwist, beginner model, lady master, and Grump City's most eligible bachelor!"

*Why come to Snaktooth Island?*

"I didn't want to come here, I had my mansion and my fame but my sister dragged me here."

"That's because you've been living under a rock. Duh."

*Thoughts on Bugsnax*

"Amazing, delicious, and will get me a lover!"

*If you're famous, shouldn't it be easy to find a lover?*

"Um..skip."

*Why did you leave town?*

"*sigh*"

"When Triffany and Wambus split, I tried going after her to see if I could romance her..and when I failed I came back and..Wambus was waiting there.."

"Safe to say I got out of there before he could land a blow."

*Maybe you should stop going after peoples wives*

"Eh.."

*Any info on Lizbert?*

"Meh..I don't really like her all that much. The only reason I involved myself with her was because she was the girlfriend of Eggabell."

*Another crush?*

"I've been single since I was a teen, give me a break."

*What happened to Lizbert?*

"Her and Eggabell had an argument and I tried getting with Eggabell before they made up but then they went missing, so sadly..I have no idea."

*That'll be it, thank you!*

"That was nice! I enjoy interviews very much!"

"I also found..this..laying around..so..here."

"Now I'm gonna try to get Floofty's attention, cya!"

*you received a strange key*

Interviewing Charlia:

*Have time for an interview?*

"I'm always open to chat about my experiments!"

*Who are you?*

"Charlia Bowtwist! Eldest of the two!"

*Two?*

"Yeah! I have a younger brother! He's the cutest thing ever!"

*Why come to Snaktooth Island?*

*Why did you want to escape?*

*Thoughts on Bugsnax?*

"They're really interesting and confusing..like..what are they really? And why is everyone interested in eating them? I know Miss Megafig said they were safe..but I don't get it.."

*Then what do you do with the Bugsnax?*

"Unlike everyone else..I study them and figure out why they change everyone's limbs, Mx Fizzlebean said if I want my arm back, I could eat one..but..I think that wouldn't work very much.."

*How did you lose your arm?*

"An accident regarding an animal when I was a kid..well..it was my brothers fault but I took most of the damage for him."

*Why did you leave town*

"I left..because the fighting was too much, I'm not new to arguments..but the screaming and constant fighting was too much to handle, so I left around when Snorpy and Mr Funkbun left."

*Any info on Lizbert?*

"Miss Megafig is really nice grumpus! She shows me the ropes of catching the snax and talks to me about personal issues, I liked speaking with her a lot!"

*What happened to Lizbert*

"I'm not sure..I was asleep when she and Eggabell went missing.."

"According to Mx Fizzlebean, they had an argument before they disappeared..so..maybe they're sorting things out on a secret part of the island!"

"That was rather quick..but fun!"

"You know..I found this earlier, here, you seem to be interested in this investigation stuff!"

*You were given a journal with a lock*

Reaction to death when and after:

Cemi

"H-Huh? Charlia..?"

"Why was I so mean to her..she..she just wanted to help me..and I shoved her away..

She didn't deserve to go..I was being a jerk..why did..those things..take her?

They knew didn't they?

About her suffering?

That's why they took her..

I need to be alone..go away.."

Charlia

"Noooooooo! Cemi no! Please grump no!! Don't..please..come back.."

"This has to be a dream..please..say it's a dream..he..he's not dead..no..

I'm a terrible big sister! I deserved to go, not him! Why take him you..you evil creatures of hell?!

Just..take me..please..I..I want to leave..please..take me..

Go away..please."

No more OCs. I can't be bothered to make more concepts..

#bugsnax #my oc art #bugsnax oc #grumpus #orginal character #my artwork #idk what to tag this as #Cemi Bowtwist #Charlia Bowtwist

[msladyrosa]

I'm here to tell a story that my heart is screaming at me to tell.

This is me. I fucking hate myself, just as much as I fake loving me. I don't think I've ever been this contempt as I was in these photos. I'm awkward and I fake confidence by throwing sarcastic and snarky comments. My coping mechanism consists of lying and just hiding behind my fake me. I've created a confident, pretty and delusional front that isn't me, but it's just as real as the raw version. My raw is ugly and disgusting and I hate it. I hid it and for the love of the non existent God there is, I wish I didn't have the raw side. I write in my skin, because if I went back to cutting, then I would no longer have pretty skin that people can love. I love eating, but I don't do it, because of the fear of losing my 36,28,42 measurements. I'm suicidal, but heavens forgive if I make a joke about it in order to cope with my insane itch to make my skin purple. My arm hair is soft and the last time I shaved I was scared that someone might see the thin, white lines that are underneath. My body is sexy as fuck, but Heavens forgive me if I actually feel comfortable in it. Thoughts of "they'll be fine without me" or "it's better if I'm not here" are drowned by the words I told someone who was a suicidal as me, "killing yourself would not make the pain disappear, you're just passing it on to someone else". I'm such a fucking hypocrite, or is it just a twisted way of actual introspection? What is wrong with the way I walk funny because I'm dizzy for the lack of food is that people notice. Oh great deity in the sky, please allow them to notice, but forgive them is they dare to ask what's wrong. I look happy and relaxed in the photos, hell yes, but not I'm an anxious mess that's writing this in the middle of a mental breakdown. Parents are never the one's to blame, no forgive them for not validating their children's emotions and struggles. No, strict parenthood creates strong-willed, rightful and successful people that think of themselves as worthless, weak, pathetic excuses. Oh we lie, and we lie good. Ask actors if they had strict parents... You'll find none, why? Because strict parents will inforce you an internalized fear of failure outside of social norms and acting is "a waste of time" to their standards. Support doesn't come from the right sized bra, but it sure as fucking hell is welcoming to be held and somehow relived from a burden you didn't fucking asked for. I was so happy ya'll. I was in cloud nine. That day I had a date with a guy I like that I thought was way out of my league, I lied my way through his pseudo intellectual remarks and he believed it.

We know how to lie so good and so true that eventually you lose track of your actual motive to do it in the first place. Society wants you perky and pretty, fuck yeah they do. How do I get all perky and pretty when I only see disgusting, overdosed surroundings? It's easy to get worried when you finally realize somethings not right. It wasn't right to be kneeling at someone's feet screaming a nasty and raspy wail of pain. 10 years it took me to fucking do that and yet nothing really changed. Now I'm just looked at with pity and the quizzical look that can only mean "when is this one gonna blow up again?" Oh, honey, I won't, you're just worried that you're just realizing this now. It's easy to be outside and just stay that way.

I was so happy, all the time. I was forced to lie in order to move forward. You love me? Yeah, as long as you earn it. Are you proud? Sure, as long as you don't fail. Am I okay because I feel like this? Well, it's fine as long as you keep it in. It's beautiful. "As long as..." my reality had always been subjected to a condition, and clause, a fucking constant reminder that I have to earn my happiness. I have to earn my own idea of self worth that is diluted through your standards. I have to earn reassurance from the people I surround myself. I must assume the best case scenario but I can't be surprised when it's the worst outcome.

Having loved a mad human made me realize how flawed I am. I was happy. So, so happy I forgot I wasn't. I tortured myself through endless nights of doubt, starvation with a full kitchen. Sleepless nights contemplating self harm and then decided against it because I had work and the cute client at work would see how damaged I was. I tortured myself with the idea of loneliness in a see of people, only to realize I've been in that see long enough that I grew a tail and fins. I was plagued my guilt because I didn't love them, but when exactly did it go from happy to uttermost bullshit? I was so happy I forgot what sadness was.

I was so happy it started hurting. Hurting when I failed to do something. It was excruciating when I was not able to buy a car because I had noticed I had spent my money of pleasing those who swore they'd provide for me. I was in pain when I showered and instead of singing, I just blasted music loud enough so that nobody heard my hyperventilating bitch ass. I was in so much pain that I welcomed it as my way of happiness. I loved my pain, because I've had it my whole life.

I had it when I was in forth grade and in order to fit in I had to go a sneak around to kiss a boy, and I didn't want to. It was there when I was accused of fighting other girls, but in reality I was trying to establish my self worth, so I was punished. In fifth grade I loved a boy so much I had written beautiful words to describe how much I loved his smile, and so he said I was stalking him and he got scared; 2 months later I was in a shrinks chair talking about it; fast-forward to last night, that same boy explained to me how much he wanted to fuck me now that he had lost weight. Middle school was terrible. Seventh grade, I was constantly degrading myself because another pretty blonde chick was only my friend when she could laugh through me. I insulted a perfectly great teacher because she noticed my self destructive behavior. Eighth grade came and I was lost with a blonde boy. He was beautiful and I was not. He was friends with the girl that swore fielty to me and he chose someone else and because he chose the pretty pale skin on someone else, I settled for the kid that wantedto finger me in the bleachers during recess. Ninth grade came and I was failing classes, parents were strict and hurtful, but they aren't to blame for my shortcomings. That's when I found myself in the arms of the pretty blonde thing I had fallen for. The pretty girl had him in public, I could only have him when we snuck around and he would hold me and kiss me like holding on to his life line. I was letting him touch me, but my self hatred didn't know no boundaries so I suck to my knees and gave my first blowjob at the top of staircase wearing only a lazy purple bra and the school uniform and the shame I'll forever wear because I did it without wanting to, but because I was expected to.

I was so happy to be out of there, that I ended up sinking deeper into my lie. I was smart, new and vulnerable. That's how I met the wholesome boy I called my first boyfriend who was nice and respectful, but he was as ugly as they come. I was a queen to him, but he was looking more like the ogre on the fairy tale and there came my vanity, my ego, my selfishness. I was brutal and I couldn't care less. High school started with a bang with the boy I played with, and when he got to close to my actual raw person, I kicked him out with a bang and he cried. I just stood there not knowing how to react, so I just went on to the next person I could lead on and play. Junior year I knew was difficult, and a black boy with a nice boy and a promising basketball future came around, I once again craved approval and degraded myself to it. That's how I ended up sneaking around 10 minutes before my parents picked me up. In the second floor, I'd found myself again on my knees, and expected to give a blowjob in exchange for attention, and like before, I was hidden, and I expected to be I had tears in my eyes, but because of my shame. Senior year came in, and the black boy with the attractive body was replaced with another, but this one only had pretty eyes and the promise of spoiling me with his family's money. Once again, I said yes when he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend, at least this time I was not hidden, but I was back in the cycle and I ditched my best friend in a movie theater so that I would be in the backseat on a Dodge, sucking my pseudo boyfriend's dick with tears on my eyes, not becauseofhis size, but becausethe disgust towards myself. Like before, I was expected to do so, and so I did.

Heavens above forgive the religion to blame women for sin and lust, but instead punish us for the boys who couldn't keep their dicks to themselves. The end of senior year came, and I was relieved, but then I fell for the guy my parents liked. Humble background, similar interests, and a promise of stability. I was ditched because for him I was a whore and his friends told him so, I accepted the insults and insinuations.

I was so happy, I forgot the rest. College was great and a religious nut job, a platonic love, a semi smart dipshit with the complex of being over everyone in experience, a quiet mature man that treated me with decency, the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #1 and the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #2, later, here I am.

I was so happy in these pictures, I had no idea was contemplating my own disappearance. I write this with migrane, blue ink from a ballpoint in my thighs, with nostalgic memories of moments where my mind wasn't this crowded. I was so happy it hurt. I guess that my logic dictates that happiness is painful and that my pain can bring me joy, but fuck I was so happy.

I had everything. I was pretty, I was smart, I was important. I'm still all those things, but right this very second, I'm happy, and painful so. Heavens above forgive for I have sinned...

I dared to fail... I sinned

I dared to fall into lust... I sinned

I dared to judge... I sinned

I fucking dared to wake up every miserable day... I had sinned.

I dared to be painfully happy... I sinned

I lied... and so that's my greatest sin of all.

[blindspot-repata]

High School Blindspot - Chapter 8

Prom is the senior year graduation party in the USA. In the story, the correct chronology of this event was not obeyed, because there the party is at the beginning of the year and not at the end as I put it in the fic, because for that date I used the academic year of my country.

I would like to thank Carla (@caizalucca ) for her collaboration with part I of this chapter, which was entirely hers!

Hope you like it!

_____________________________

Prom - Part I

Ellen ...

Ellen Brigs didn't welcome her children's excitement at the school dance. He had devoted the best years of their lives to those brothers and had plans for them. The way they learned to channel their anger into physical strength and determination to survive in the illegal orphanage where they spent their childhood would make them the best soldiers for the cause she championed. Ordinary social activities like this ball would only take you out of focus on the really important things.

She didn't even care much about Roman. He knew that he would easily convince him to put these frivolities aside in the future. But Remi ... Remi was different from his brother. Much harder to fold. And there was this guy that he was getting involved with. Definitely inappropriate and dangerous. This Kurt guy was a threat to Remi's future, planting fantasies in her head like love being more important than her duties before her country. Ellen knew how this type of teenager saw life: any stable job would be an excuse to start a family. One day she was innocent as well. But she wouldn't let that keep Remi from the bright future he dreamed of for her daughter. No prom. And the change would take her away from Kurt.

An extra study plan. That was the strategy she used to justify Roman's going to the party while Remi stayed home. The consequences of this, Ellen had also predicted: several discussions, countless questions, resistance from her daughter. She handled it as she always did: reminding Remi that if she hadn't adopted them and taken full responsibility for them, the brothers would have been executed when the orphanage was discovered to be considered too lethal for life in society.

Remi...

Remi did everything in her power to convince Ellen that this extra study plan was unnecessary and that she could perfectly go to the dance without it affecting her performance. But it was in vain. The mother was adamant. She came to think of a direct affront, but when the rescue from the orphanage was brought on the agenda, she was silent. Ellen would always be grateful for taking them out of that hell and saving their lives. He thought of sending a note to Kurt through Patterson warning him of his absence, but she never did. There was still a tiny flame of hope inside her that kept her from burying the dream of one last meeting with him before the move and the party was her big chance.

On the day of the event, she dedicated herself to her studies even more diligently. She stayed cool with Ellen because she knew her mother would be suspicious if she acted otherwise. When he managed to finish the extensive to-do list, it was too late. The dance should have started almost an hour ago. It would have to be more than discreet, imperceptible. She prepared the bed with pillows under the blankets for her mother to think she was sleeping. She would go out the window and return without being noticed.

She didn't have a dress or any clothes like the ones the girls wore on those occasions. A flash of discomfort passed through her as she realized this. But she didn’t give up. Clothes would never determine their destiny. She wore dark jeans, a black blouse, and a leather jacket. The pencil in the eyes and the leather choker closed the look before sneaking out the window.

When she entered the party room, everyone looked at her. Remi knew that it was not her angelic beauty that called attention, but the inappropriate clothing. She took a deep breath and covered everything with her eyes in search of Kurt. He was at a table with Allie, visibly restless. That singular way of scratching the back of his neck gave him away. The gibberish soon made him look in her direction. And the smile on his face gave her the certainty that she did the right thing by deceiving her mother and coming even though she was dressed disgustingly in the eyes of the rest of her schoolmates.

He almost ran to meet her.

“Hi... I was already thinking that you wouldn't come.” he said with that crooked smile that always broke Remi's heart.

“I said I'd come.” she also replied with a rare smile.

“Would you like to drink something?” He asked

“I’d like...”

He led her by the arm to the drinks table and served them both. They were still the center of attention and it started to bother Remi a lot. If they were the subject of the next day at school, Ellen could find out and be in trouble with her mother. Kurt noticed his discomfort:

“Do you want to talk in a more discreet place?”

She nodded and left the room.

Outside, the night was dark. Kurt pulled her into his arms and Remi allowed herself to enjoy that moment with him closing his eyes. When she felt energized enough to get out of that hug, she said:

“I know that this outfit is not suitable...”

“I don't care about the clothes you wear. I'm glad you came.”

“Look, I'm not any kind of rebel without cause trying to get attention by appearing here dressed like this...”

“I didn't think that, I swear.” he tried to position himself.

“But the others thought. Ellen didn’t agree that I would come. I left hidden. If I had a dress, I would have put it on, but I didn't have it. And... Wow, the girls are beautiful, especially Allie.”

“You are still the most beautiful of the party even without a dress.” he said, pulling her back into his arms and now putting his lips together in a kiss. Her heart sank with everything he said, it shouldn't have been easy.

The two surrendered to the moment, enjoying each kiss and all the forms of affection they exchanged. They talked banal things. They laughed a little. They looked at the moon. Everything seemed perfect. But he noticed that sometimes, her eyes filled with sadness. He knew it had something to do with her mother and decided to show how much he was willing to fight for her:

“Remi, tomorrow I'm going to your house. I'm going to talk to your mother and show her that, despite going to military school next year, I want to stay with you. She will see that I have good intentions...”

“No! You can’t do that. Ellen would never understand.”

“But I'm worried about you. Your mother suffocates you too much with this study routine. This is not normal.”

“Ellen just wants our good. Roman and I owe her loyalty for taking us out of the orphanage.”

“Remi, I understand that you are grateful to her for this, but you need to agree that this is all very strange. The link that unites a family must be love and not loyalty. Ellen seems to want total devotion from you, and that is not true. She doesn't even let you call her mom.”

“I know everything seems strange, but it's just her way. You have no idea what we went through at the orphanage and what could have happened to us.”

“Okay, she got them out of there, but that's no reason to stop you from living in the present. And the present is us. She needs to understand this.”

“Kurt, being with you is the best thing I've ever experienced, but that is above us. Ellen's work is important and she is preparing me to help her. I owe it to her. What I wanted most was to owe her nothing to be able to face her with all of this, but I can't. And there's Roman, he needs me there too.”

“I will repeat again: Ellen has no right to steal from you the rest of her life. You are not alone in this, Remi. I'm with you. We will fight and get together. Tomorrow I will talk to your mother and make her understand this.”

“No, Kurt, please don't.”

“Why not?”

“There is a lot about the past and the future that I can't tell you. And talking to Ellen wouldn't change anything. We're going to move, Kurt, and I don't even know where. Her job is like that. This is our last night together, that's why I risked so much to be here with you.”

“Our last meeting? And are you just telling me this now?” Kurt stood up impatiently.

“I wanted to tell you, but she took me away from school...”

“Then let's run away. Today! I will not let her separate us. I drop out of military school and get a job.”

“No! You are aware of what you are saying. Military school is your dream. I would never forgive myself for that. And there's Roman, I can't leave him. I'm sorry, Kurt.”

“You are more important to me than any dream.” he said sadly. “But apparently, I don't mean the same thing to you, do I?”

Remi wanted to scream that he was the person she loved the most in the world and kiss him so that she could feel how immense her love was, but she knew there was no hope for them. Ellen wouldn’t accept that relationship and wasn’t willing to see him sacrificing his dreams for a life without a future with her. Her mother always said that the psychological consequences left by the orphanage would make it risky to start a family because sooner or later it would hurt everyone around her. For all this, the words that came out of her lips said the opposite of what she had in her heart:

“Everything between us ends here, Kurt. It was a mistake that I came. I don't expect you to understand, but...” and afraid of betraying, she shut up the rest of the sentence “Good night.”

And she left him alone.

Kurt came back inside the ball feeling disappointed and deceived. Allie came to her and offered her company as a comfort. He accepted.

Remi walked for two blocks almost in a trance trying to contain the urge to cry. And suddenly, her feet no longer obeyed her. Nothing about her obeyed her rational side. In a rush, she turned and ran back to the party. She would find Kurt and say she was willing to risk everything for him.

But she barely entered the room and saw the saddest scene of her life. To the sound of slow music, everyone danced on the dance floor with their bodies glued together. Kurt and Allie, however, were standing still, exchanging kisses that seemed like it would never end.

Stunned, Remi turned her back on the salon and any hope that she might have a normal life. This wasn’t for her. Ellen was right.

_______________________

Prom - Part II

“Wow!” Edgar sighed at the image in front of him. She looked wonderful in the navy blue knit dress with only one strap and went down just to the knee, the platform sandal made her a little taller, her hair parted in the middle and her curls fell over her shoulders, the light makeup only highlighted her eyes, skin tones and a pink lip gloss added the finishing touch.

“What's it?” Edgar wasn’t bad at all in a smoking, white shirt and bow tie. He had grown the goatee in the past few days and she was thinking it charming. Natasha blushed at the penetrating way he looked at her, he had the gift of leaving her like this. The girl was very much in love with him and knew that this love hurt, as much as she was sure about his feeling for her there was an imminent separation due to the boy's departure for college. Maybe it would be good for them to stay away for a while, as their dependence grew and in the last few months they didn’t have a day that they didn’t meet and each moment together made the desire to be close to each other even more. It didn't look healthy.

“You look so beautiful.” She was already beautiful, but managed to stay even more, Natasha had a genuine sweetness that together with the suspicious look that showed made up her personality. Edgar regretted having to go to college. He didn't want to leave everything behind, but he knew it was necessary, his future was at stake and also a chance to build a life with Natasha even though he had to sacrifice himself now. Edgar came out of the trance and greeted her with a kiss on the forehead and can delight in her scent, which was always wonderful. She was the apple of his eye, the girl of his dreams, he would give the world to see her happy and he knew he would do anything for her and think that he could hurt her with distance made him sad and made him want even more being close to her these last few days making sure to make it clear how great his feelings were for her. “Let's go?”

It was Edgar's graduation party. Natasha still had another year at school and would be preparing intensely for NYPD tests which was now her life goal. She felt sad about having to stay away from her boyfriend, but she knew it would be good for him to grow up personally and professionally. They were both doing well and she wasn't sure how they would get together when they were away, but she hoped everything would work out. After the end of the year parties they would say goodbye and she hoped that the time would pass slowly to enjoy every moment that remained beside him, because she knew that after he left the time apart would be long and always scarce when they were together.

When they arrived at the party the music was already playing and most of the guests had already arrived, they sat at the table with their friends where they didn’t stay for a long time, because they really wanted to enjoy the party together. On the dance floor the two moved more to the sound of their hearts than to the music itself, from time to time they looked into each other's eyes and exchanged complicit smiles and also kisses.

Dinner was served and they returned to their friends. They knew that these moments together were numbered because with the school year ending each one would go on their way finding new friends. But those years together would never be forgotten, the games, the complicity, the learnings, everything that lived until then was important for the construction of the personality of each one of them.

Patty was graduating managed to get Roman to go with her and the two of them were dancing awkwardly when they gave up on the dance floor and chose to entertain themselves in another way. The kisses exchanged between the two left them yearning for more, but Roman respected her and felt that they shouldn't go any further knowing that he would be leaving soon. The boy realized when his sister had come to the party even without Ellen's consent, but he was quiet, she knew what to do with her own life. The boy also saw when Kurt returned without her and clung to the blonde cheerleader. The disagreement must have been ugly, because he knew how attached the boy was to his sister.

The party was over before midnight and Edgar took Natasha over to his house. The first night they spent together where his mother acted naturally when she learned that the two were sleeping together, after Natasha left she read a sermon to her son to make him understand how much a girl deserved to be respected. Edgar swore that he loved Tasha and had the best intentions that a boy could have with a girl. After a few days Emma called Natasha to talk and told her several things about sex, illness, unexpected pregnancy and made an appointment with a doctor she trusted so she could do some tests and choose a contraceptive method.

Later that night after making love they were both holding each other when Edgar looked at her with those little dog eyes that she loved. Sweetly, he traced the girl's bare shoulder lazily beside him with his fingers. That touch gave him the slight shivers that he noticed and continued to do.

“My God! That's what I'll miss most in this life!” Edgar felt a lump grow in his throat and closed his eyes to fix the image of her in his mind.

“You will always come home.”

“Yes, but do you have any idea what two, three months are away from you?” Edgar saw the eyes of the girl he loved turn red with tears.

“I know, Ed. But it will fly and we will have so many things to occupy ourselves that we won't even notice the time passing.” Tears fell from Natasha's eyes, who made no effort to stop them. They hugged each other very tight and she can hear the boy's sobs in her ear. “I love you and nothing will change that and I know you love me too.”

The two continued to embrace between sobs and kisses until they calmed down and fell asleep. It was just before the end of the year and as much as it hurt they were sure it would be worth it. Their feeling seemed strong enough to face the distance.

#blindspot #blindspot fanfic #blindspotedit #jeller #repata #kurt weller #remi briggs #tashazapata #edgarreade #patterson #roman briggs #high school blindspot #blindspot fic

[motleyfuckingcruee]

Rocket Queen

0.7: Unwanted Apology

Henley's P.O.V

It's been two days since that hectic night. Madeline and I managed to get home just before sunrise with the help of Duff and Steven. Luckily, they had a car and offered to give us a lift. Honestly, I don't know how it would've went if they hadn't gave us a ride.

Apparently, Steven gave Madeline his number. She's been calling him nonstop. The only reason I know that is because Jake calls me and complains about it.

"I don't know who she's talking to but it's getting annoying!" Jake told me last night.

I just laughed at him and told him to go to bed. We had school today, so yay. A fucking Monday. To be completely honest, I forgot about the threat that Hyde imposes.

That was, until Hyde came up to me after school, knocking me out of my thoughts from the past few days.

"Hello, Henley," Hyde says, venom in his voice.

I turn around, seeing how bad Hyde's face looks. I cringe at the sight. His face is swollen and purple with bruises everywhere. Damn, Duff sure did do a number on him.

"Hey," I say nervously. God, what does he want with me?

"I haven't seen you since the other night," He says, leaning against the locker behind him. "Tell me, how's your lover boy?"

I blush as I realize he's talking about Duff. His hazel eyes pop into my mind. I really want to see him again. "Uh, he's fine. You gave him a good scratch on his head."

Hyde laughs. "Good. The fucker deserved it."

I try my best to not let my anger flare up. "Duff didn't deserve any of that. I did. It was my fault. Besides, you right about all of it anyway."

Hyde huffs, looking down at his feet. "No I wasn't. I was already drunk and took out the frustration I had on you. You were right about Stephanie. I don't know why I went out with her anyway."

I laugh. "Cause you were lonely?"

"That had to have been it," He responds.

We both laugh for a few moments before growing quiet again.

"I actually came over here to apologize."

I sigh, looking at him skeptically. "I dunno, Hyde."

"I didn't mean any of that. I really did that. If anything, you're the most amazing girl I've ever met," Hyde explains, trying to get me to forgive his harsh words.

"Des mots saouls, des pensees sobres," I respond, grabbing the rest of my books from my locker.

"What?" Hyde laughs, shaking his head. "I didn't know you spoke Spanish."

I laugh, shutting the locker door. "For one, it's French. And it means, "Drunk words, sober thoughts"."

"And what exactly does that mean?"

I sigh, clutching my books to my chest. I fake a smile at him. "It means, yeah, you might have been drunk, but you said those words because of the liquid courage. It gave you the balls to say it to my face. I'm sure you thought all of that about me. And I don't blame you." I sigh, looking down at my shoes. "It's all true." My eyes snap back up at him. I narrow my eyes. "You may have been right but that in no way means I forgive you."

I walk away from Hyde, feeling a headache form. In a way I wish that Friday night never happened. But then again, Madeline never would've met Steven. She really likes him. More than she's ever liked a guy before.

As I walk through the halls, I see my favorite pair of siblings plus Evangeline. Madeline's eyes are wide with happiness as she animatedly talks to Eva about something. I smile at everyone as I stand next to Jake. Madeline is telling Eva all about this awesome outfit she got last week. She's beyond excited about it, which is very peculiar. She's never this happy about clothes. I mean, neither am I unless it's a new Motley Crue shirt that Tommy sent me.

"Hey, Henley," Jake says from next to me, a huge smile on his face.

"Hello, Jacob," I respond formally, causing a smile to appear on his face.

He's quiet for a moment, listening to his sister's high pitched squealing about the perfect shoes she found before tuning her out. "What're you doing tonight?"

"Uh, well, I was probably gonna phone my best friend from L.A. Why?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to hang out or something?" He takes a glance at his sister who's full attention is now on us. "Just us?"

I open my mouth to answer, but Madeline screeches the answer for me.

"She can't!"

"I can't?"

"Yes! We have plans tonight, remember!" She responds, her eyebrows raising. She mouths the word "Stevie" to me without her brother or Eva noticing somehow.

I nod my head, understanding flooding my features. "That's right. Yeah we got plans. Maybe some other time though?"

"Oh," Jake says, looking rather put out. "Yeah, that's fine."

The bell rings, signaling the end of school. Madeline grabs my hand, pulling me out the front doors of this piss poor school. The girl is so happy she's nearly skipping after she links her arm with mine. I laugh at her, shaking my head. This is probably the happiest I've seen her. Stevie must be treating her right.

"So, how's you and 'Stevie" doing?" I ask, nudging her lightly in the ribs.

She giggles a bit at the sound of her new guy's name. "We're doin' awesome. In fact, we have a date tonight."

"Okay, that's nice and all. Don't take this the wrong way, but what does this have to do with me?"

"Because, Duff's tagging along so you are too," She responds, a smile still painted on her cherry red lips.

I laugh, side eyeing her. "When the hell was my Monday night decided?"

"Last night when me and Stevie made the plans," She says, shrugging her shoulders like she didn't just throw me into a situation I probably didn't want to be in.

"Thanks for telling me only hours before we're going out," I say, sarcasm thick in my voice.

"You're welcome," Madeline says, not phased at all. She takes a look at the watch that sits on her wrist. "We have an hour to get ready. You definitely aren't goin' out wearing that."

I look down at my outfit, instantly feeling offended. I'm wearing the newest concert shirt that Tommy sent me, my ripped up blue skinny jeans, worn out combat boots, and an oversized bomber jacket that I'm positive was Tommy's. I used to kinda steal his clothes when I'd go over to his place. What can I say? I like oversized things. Back to the point, I think I look great today.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's just, that's not really something you'd wear on a date."

I scoff. "This isn't my date."

Madeline smiles, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Don't act like you don't like Duff."

"'Like' as in I only spent one night with the guy, then yeah sure. I like Duff," I scoff, rolling my eyes. "I barely met him."

"I barely met Stevie," She says, nudging me.

I sigh. "That's cause you don't have problems opening up to people like I do."

"Maybe Duff could change that for you."

I smile at her hopefulness. Between the two of us, she's always been the more optimistic. No matter what she's always got her eyes set on the bright side. Completely opposite of me. I've always been very pessimistic. I'm always skeptical with everything. Hell, I was even skeptical when Madeline wanted to be friends with me. I still don't let her in on parts of my life-such as Athena and Tommy-but I have let her in on a lot. I'm constantly looking at the worst possible outcome. My mom claims that it's because of how I dress. I know for a fact that's bullshit because Tommy nearly dresses the same as me and he's the happiest person I know. Er-well- I guess I should say goofiest.

"Maybe," I say, for once letting myself feel a little bit of hope. Maybe he will be able to change that for me. I just have to be willing to take that leap.

"Anyways!" Madeline exclaims, unlinking our arms. She grabs my hand and starts to almost run, pulling me along behind her. "We have some getting ready to do!"

I laugh, letting her pull me down the empty street. I guess this date can't be that bad.

Just be yourself. Don't let him believe you're something you're not.

Although, after that scary judge of character that night in the bathroom, I think he might already know everything about me.

TAGS:

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Duff: @daisystuffsstuff

[thoughtdumpshitposts]

Emotional Breakdowns Lead To Passably Poetic Ramblings

26.06.21

word count: 2.15K

I never write because I need everything I write to be evocative. I need it to be painful. What's the point of writing something if the reader doesn't hurt? It hurt me to write this, and I hope it hurts you to read.

I've always imagined putting my thoughts into words, but I don't know if I want them to be on paper or my phone. Digital is easy, it's good, it's clean. It's easy to edit, to navigate, to save; it'll probably live on forever. It won't erode and disappear like the writing journal I had for six years, eaten away by the same termites who ate my entire closet from the inside. His name was Reggie, and he deserved better. I'd kept him safe in the closet, but I learnt too late that nothing was safe in the closet. Nothing physical, existing is ever safe from the World and it's beasts – Man or insect.

But paper is personal, it's real. It's beautiful. Sure, sometimes my brain and heart think of words faster than my hands can keep up, and the words are barely legible and my hand-writing's not pretty anyway, but that's the beauty of it. That's what makes it mine. But someone I know can stumble upon these words and read the truth of my existence. But maybe I want them to stumble upon it, one day. Maybe I want them to find my words and understand, really understand, who I was and what I am and what I kept locked up inside of me. That I wasn't some selfish, ill-mannered brat. That I really loved them, but sometimes it was hard. My mother always tells me no one can ever trust anyone but family, that even if she screams and shouts and scolds at first, at the end of the day she'll always have my back, and I know that's the truth.

But my cousin molested my other cousins and I, and she cried when she found out after years because she had to hear it from the other side of the family, and she cried because she'd told me so many times that she'll always have my back if something like that happened to me and she keeps saying family and family and family, and trust and trust and trust and how family is my parents and brothers and that's all we can ever trust but how do I tell her that the reason I said nothing when my cousin did it was because I was used to staying silent when my brother did? It's all so funny because I was blessed enough to have been born to parents who would never blame me for being abused in a society in which the blame- and shame-game is prevalent, but what do you do when the victim is your daughter and the abuser is your son – your firstborn, the first "nawasa" in the family, your pride and joy, the prince charming. You've loved him for seven more years than you've loved me. I understand. You don't deserve to suffer the truth. I saw how you were when you found out the truth about the cousin, I remember the things you said about family and trust. I know you have your own issues. You don't deserve to suffer. You don't. I love you all. So much. So so much. I won't let you suffer. I won't let you be the collateral to his sins. I'll protect you, and you'll never know.

And I'm okay, so why would I say anything? When we're happy and whole and great? Why would I say anything when I'm actually, genuinely fine and unaffected? Why would I ruin us? How could I say anything? And I'm fine, I really am. I'm okay. And I know my friends think I'm gaslighting myself when I say that I'm fine and it hasn't effected me much and it wasn't that bad because I was never actually physically hurt, but it's true. I'm used to laughing and loving the people I hate. I'm used to hating the people I love without an ounce of real hatred. I know what it sounds like, but it really isn't that way. It's okay. I'm okay, and no one should worry, even if sometimes I want everyone to worry. Even if sometimes I want everyone's pity and attention and love and sympathy, and I want them to hurt for me, like I hurt for the people I love. Sometimes I just want validation, I want people to know everything so they understand me. But everyone wants to be understood, so that's nothing special. I'm okay, and that is the only thing what matters.

I wasn't raped; I was molested. There's a difference.

I wasn't raped, and honestly I only remember a few instances with clarity. Everything else is a blur – it's all just snippets and flashes of memory spun together to make a vague, dramatic montage. But I wasn't ever physically hurt, and of course I know that it was still terrible and horrible and I didn't deserve it, but understand that it wasn't as bad as it sounds. I'm fine and genuinely, actually okay and I'm only affected when I have a mental breakdown, but that's almost always because I'm pms-ing. And it hasn't happened in a while now. It stopped. I think it's been four years? And it happened for five? six? I was 9 or 10 when it started? And he was 16 or 17? Okay, that – Oh, God oh fuck that sounds bad doesn't it? I'm 18. My younger brother is 10. I couldn't imagine– I can't. God.

But it actually wasn't as bad as it sounds. I was asleep – of course I wasn't asleep (but I think sometimes I must've been? I don't know) – but I was "asleep" when he did what he did. And he did do a lot, to be honest. His hands, everywhere on me. His mouth – everywhere. His–

Why is it so hard to write? I think it's harder to write than it is to think and speak of it.

But I don't know what happened to me. I don't know. I don't remember what happened. I wish I'd kept a better record, but I didn't. Oh, I remember a lot of things that happened, but I don't remember it all. I wish I did but I really don't. I wish I could read and revisit and do a shitty psychoanalysis of him. But I can't, and now he's the only one who knows what really happened, and I'll have to live with it.

There were no words. Never any words, never any pain. So again, I'm fine, and I'm okay. And he's great and fun and funny and I love him and I care about him and I'm always joking with him and he's a terrible person and I hate him and I wish I knew how his brain works and what he was thinking and still thinks and I'll never forgive him, but it's okay. It's really okay. As long as I was the only one who suffered. As long as I'm the only one who continues to suffer for my silence.

I think the only reason I still think about it so much is because I never got closure. I never got an explanation. I never understood why. I don't know if he's an irredeemable monster or if he at least feels guilty. I don't know what he was thinking, because there were never any words. And I'm glad there weren't any words and I was "asleep" because it makes it easier to interact with him and pretend it never happened, that it was someone else and everything's still okay.

But there were never any words, so I don't have anything to work with. Nothing to draw conclusions from, nothing to psychoanalyze him with. I don't know what he was thinking, I don't know what happened. I want closure, I want to understand. But I'm scared of whatever will lead up to the conversation, and the conversation itself. I'm scared of the acknowledgment and how it'll change everything irrevocably. I'm scared of getting closure, but I need it too. I need to understand.

Did you feel bad? Did you think of how it'll hurt me? Did it hurt you? Or were you indifferent to it all? Did you just not care or –fuck–was it some big joke? Was it funny? Was it amusing? Do you feel entitled to me? How fucking dare you? How could you? How fucking could you? You loved me. You were great to me, you still are sometimes. You're my big brother, man. I loved you. I love you. You were supposed to be my hero and I fucking swear to God you were. What the fuck happened to you? What made you this way? How could you do that to me? How could you do that and still look at me in the fucking eye? How? Why? I deserve to know.

But please don't tell me. I don't know what I'll do if I find out the extent of your monstrosity. I don't want you to fall even lower. I like to think you can't, but I know that's not true. Especially after what I learnt about Z- There's always room to fall.

But anyway – Reggie. I'd been brave enough to write a chapter of my life for the first time in that journal. It was the last story Reggie got to know. I'd never been brave enough to actually write about how I'd been hurt. I could never even write his name when I tried to make a record of what I went through – I was always smart (or sentimental?) enough to try and and keep a record, some proof, dated and organized. I was smart enough – but not brave. Maybe because my coping mechanism was pretending he was two different people, or maybe because writing it would make it real; I'd lived long enough without acknowledging it (even more so without understanding it), maybe if I ignored it long enough it would just go away. But the story I wrote in it wasn't even about that exactly. It was an older story; It was about how all of it might've been my fault. About how maybe I was always a fucked up child. But the story also brings me comfort – it reminds me that I've always been me, that the person I am today is because of the person I always was. That there was no influence that made me this way. I am what I was.

The termites consuming Reggie also reminded me of the old Islamic story about how the Boycott of Banu Hashim ended – the parchment holding the banishment declaration by the Meccans had been eaten by termites, except for the word Allah – the name of God. I thought it'd be interesting if this was God's way of sending me some message I have yet to decipher.

But I don't believe in God. Maybe life would've been easier if I did; if I could have found peace in He who I could not see, could not touch. If I could've found the same relief that my friends and family find in His words, His presence.

But I never felt His presence. I tried, I really did (maybe I didn't, maybe I should've tried harder?). During my last try, I made the resolution to offer all my prayers one Ramadan. I thought if I manage to nail down all the worship obligations, actual faith might follow somehow.

I lasted two days. I cried on the prayer mat during Fajr both times, like my mother does all the time, but I doubt it was for the same reasons as her, or lead to the same result. I did not feel at peace, and I did not feel seen and heard by the Creator; I had never felt more alone, more abandoned. My heart did not feel a little less heavy; it had never felt heavier.

I cried because I was desperate the cycle wouldn't repeat. I wanted to believe there was someone who could make it stop, someone who could make sure that others didn't follow in his footsteps. It did stop, eventually. But I think that's just how it was supposed to be – not because some deity cared enough to make it stop. He doesn't care about us, but if you don't agree with that, I envy you. I wish I believed what you believe.

But I'm also glad I don't. So I will just exist, till one day I don't. And you won't remember me, and He won't care, and no one will greet me at the Gates of Heaven or throw me in the depths of Hell, because neither exist.

I hope.