#i want roxy back... i want to stop being scared ... i dont even need to cry. makes me feel small. like a toddler. i dont like it.... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-record · 16 days

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YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR

SUMMARY: you’d wait up for the rest of your life for nelly.

PAIRING: nell jackson x readership

WARNINGS: honestly a homoerotic friendship bc duh!!! death and grief

A/N: disclaimer that i have no idea if these times and dates r accurate but used my best context clues!!! anyways i actually like this one a lot :))

‘YOU’RE THE GREATEST THING WE’VE LOST’

tottenham, 1698

you didn’t understand. she was leaving? with some man, captain jackson, none of you knew.

“but why?” you ask, feeling out of breath. “what about george and roxy?” your eyes fill with tears as you pace in-front of nelly. “what about me?”

she stops you, grabbing your hands and pulling you in-front of her. she’s sitting on your bed, legs spread just enough to be ‘un-ladylike’. “george and roxy have pa, they’ll be fine.” her hands grip yours tighter than they ever have as she stares into your eyes. youre sure she can see your soul, can read your every thought. “and you’ll be fine. some fella will want you, im sure of it.”

you scoff and shake off her hands. “i don’t want some fella nelly, i want you to be here!” you laugh as you shake your head in disbelief. “don’t know why i try, you wont listen anyways.” the sun sets slowly outside your window and you watch as it gets darker. “think you should be getting home.” nelly sighs like she wants to say more but you shake your head. “not a suggestion, go home.”

she knows better than to fight you on it, no matter how much she wants to stay here and help you make sense of it. you avoid her gaze as she walks out, not responding to the quiet ‘bye’ she says as she leaves.

it’s been days since nelly talked to you, she was getting nervous you wouldn’t say goodbye when they left tomorrow.

“nelly,” roxy’s got george in her arms as she helps around the pub. “she came round, said to meet you by some tree.” nelly doesn’t need roxy to clarify who ‘she’ is before she sets off.

she finds you sitting the base of the tree, your back against the trunk. hair tucked in a bonnet and laundry dress on, nelly doesn’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful.

she slows down as she gets closer, taking the time to walk the distance and pray you dont hate her. she doesn’t think she could handle that. you look up when she’s just a few feet away and give her a gentle, friendly smile. nelly is out of breath, but trying, and failing, to hide it. flopping down beside you, she stares while waiting for you to speak.

“i’m sorry.” it’s quiet, and maybe unsure. you don’t look at her when you say it, eyes favoring the field across the path. “wasn’t trying to be mean,” you start. “feel like im gonna be here forever. and i just…” you trail off and pick at the grasses. “just scared of missin’ you.” your heart feels like it’s going to fall out of your chest at the admission.

but she finds it endearing and sweet. and she finds that a part of her feels the same. “i hope you do,” she teases. “need a reason to come home, don’t i?” you smack her shoulder, but you laugh. nelly saves the sweet sound in the back of her mind.

“i’m always gonna be waiting up for you, nell.”

true to your word, you wait for six years. 2,361 days of waiting when word finally comes.

nelly, your nelly, dead. alongside that horrible captain jackson who stole her all those years ago. you blame him.

a light switches off after that.

roxy becomes bit more reserved, she works more. she dedicates the rest of her free time to her pa and george. they fight over nelly, over the gravestone he wouldn’t buy.

sam was always hardheaded, but even more so now. he pretends her death doesn’t affect him, but in the quiet at night in the privacy of his room, he thinks of her.

george was too young to ever really know nelly, but she feels a sort of loss. she grieves the sister she never got to truly experience.

you cut off the trotters, suddenly their existence being to strong of a reminder. you dream about her nearly every night.

“m’lady,” nelly snatches your hand and pulls you towards her as you walk through the field. she kneels and you fake gasp. “will you give me your hand in marriage?” her toff impression makes you laugh but you try to hold it in as you nod. a dandelion turned ring is placed on your marriage finger. “connects to your heart y’know.”

you inspect it carefully, catching it in the low sun. “i suppose that’ll do.”

you don’t sleep much anymore.

you’re on your way to your shift at the laundry when roxy shows up in-front of you, completely out of breath. she doesn’t say a word, just takes your hand and pulls you with her. you trust the girl not to question it and follow her to the talbot.

an army man stands talking to sam by the bar but youre only confused for a moment.

“nelly?” roxy’s voice is breathless, ever so slightly deeper than the last time you talked. more mature. but you don’t have time to worry about that when the army man turns.

and nelly makes sense now.

she’s here, ginger curls tucked under a hat. freckles still decorating her cheeks. lips cracked and split on one side, but forever the prettiest shade of pink.

she catches roxy and you think you may fall over yourself. because she’s dead. for a year now. you worry your imagining it all, stuck in a nightmare. but when she calls your name and youre pulled out of a trance, you know she’s real. she’s here. alive.

“you’re dead.” you whisper, not truly meaning to. she’s confused for a moment, looking over to roxy who nods in agreement.

nelly raises her eyebrows. “well that explains the way everyone’s looking at me.”

your head shakes and you have to take a step back, then forward, before ultimately turning on your heel and leaving. walking as far as your tired legs will take you. over to the graveyard and to her ‘headstone’ roxy and george made her.

nelly jackson. 1683-1704.

you didn’t imagine it. youre not sure how long you’ve been there when they girls come up behind you, chatting away. making up for lost time. you still can’t wrap your head around it.

a letter told you all of her passing alongside captain jackson, her husband. you grieved the girl for months. watched as the trotters changed to fit the loss of her soul.

yet now she walks side by side the girls and stops beside you at the wooden cross. “well.” you stand up and look from her to the cross. “roxy, george, give us a minute. yeah?” the girls walk away, a newfound pep.

“i don’t get it.” you say as your hand wipes down your face. “you dont write, visit, send any word for six years. you die, and now youre here.” your hands flail as you speak. “seven years, nelly, seven. and now youre back?”

she’s quiet for a moment, thinking of what to say. “nell.”

you laugh sarcastically, utterly confused. “what?”

“nell.” she says again. “not nelly anymore.”

you could slap her. she deserves it. “are you bloody serious?” and when you laugh again, it’s not the one she saved in a box in her mind. it’s empty. “that’s all you have to say.”

“i was widowed, captain jackson, he was blown up at the battle of blenheim.” nelly, nell, explains. “apparently i was too.” she adds. “didn’t know or i would’ve found someone to write.”

it’s enough for now. enough to satisfy you and break your heart. enough to fill you with guilt. “oh nell.” your arms find their way around her neck, clicking into place like a puzzle piece. her own wrap around your waist and bring you close. you stay like that for a moment, not nearly long enough. “i waited for you.”

nell laughs, a real true laugh that lets your reality set in place. she’s here. truly really here with you. “i knew you would.”

childish as it may be, you slept over at the trotters several times after nell’s return. you had a lot to catch up on after all.

the night’s were quiet, the both of you speaking softly as to not wake anyone.

“my mum’s hounding me to find a husband,” you sigh, playing with a rogue curl by her face. her own hand traces along your side while she listens intently. “i dread the day she finds one for me.”

nell’s quiet for a moment. she takes in the moment. you laying down beside her with your arm reaching towards her face. she’s propped up her head with a hand and is memorizing your features. not new, but now different than they used to be. a part of her wishes to stay here forever. another dreams to explore the world.

“i could make a good husband.” she jokes. but you don’t laugh, don’t even smile. she sees you adopt this far off look and she worries she’s upset you. “hey,” you snap back and nod, a fake smile adorning your face after a moment. “what’s wrong?” she whispers, leaning ever so slightly closer.

but you shake your head and dismiss it. “tired.” nell knows you’re lying, you could stay up all night. but she doesn’t push, she instead nods and blows out the candle. she lays down and let’s you slide closer until your head finds her shoulder and your eyes close. “take me with.”

nell hums, confused. “what’d you mean?”

“next time you leave.” you say softly.

“i’m tired of waiting up.”

‘AND WE’LL ALL BE HERE FOREVER’

#! kates babes !#nelly jackson x reader #nell jackson #nell jackson x reader #renegade nell #nelly jackson #roxy trotter #george trotter #sam trotter

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toraochi · 2 years

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valentines day headcannons with the glamrocks! + william afton and henry emily!

warnings: swearing

notes: happy valentines everyone!! this is just a short drabble so bear with me !! i love you all guys for 300 followers !!

Glamrock Freddy - ♡

He is nervous as fuck

This is his first time too, being an animatronic in pizzaplex is kinda hard for him.

He tried to ask Vannessa on what do to in this so called celebration

Vannessa just said "treat them or whatever."

So he did it!

Tons of hugs! This lovely bear is the best hugger you'll ever have. And oh! He even carries you everywhere! Our old fashioned lover boy will treat you anywhere!

This bear will even give you handmade love letter, with a little drawing of him and you holding hands.

You found it oddly cute and adorable, you complimented him and his wires and cheeks erupted a soft hue of red in them

Cuddles while talking! He is a big spoon! He loves cuddling you and hugging you from behind.

"Superstar? Mind if I kiss..you?"

This adorable bear even asked for your permission!! How cute !

You giggled. "Of course sweetheart!"

Expect more cuddles this night

Montgomery Gator -♡

"What the fuck is Valentines."

This aligator don't even bother until you came into the picture.

He immediatelt proceed to Chica and Roxy on what the heck is that.

"Oh those heart and shit? This is easy."

"This is not easy." Monty said, scared to approach you.

He literally trembles if you are ten inch away from him. He is gonna lose himself and bang his head on the wall on how mesmerizing you were.

"I can't do it fatbear, they were an angel you dimwit." He sulked, Freddy patting his back and Roxy laughing at him

"If you wont do it, Ill have them instead." Roxy finished and is going to meet you.

"Try me bitch."

He approached you, his eyes trying not to make contact at your sweet eyes

"Y-You! " he started, knees shaking.

You beamed at him. "Yes? You need something love?" You cooed.

Monty stopped working because of the nickname you gave him just now.

Vanessa called for a maintenace because of Monty.

You tilted you head, wondering what did happened to the gator. Vanessa rolled her eyes at your obliviousness. "He wants to go out with you dumbass."

"Oh." You covered your face, but the red shade is still visible under it.

You asked him after his 30 mins of repair

Oh boy this gator is gonna go cloud nine.

"You better because I'm the good ole Monty baby."

The date was in his Golf course ♡

And you always loose.

Glamrock Chica

She literally sang you a love song with her electric guitar, oh its was so romantic

Tons of kisses and hugs, this chick likes to spoil you with those

"Want to go into the prize corner babygirl?" Oh yes, she will give you her plushie and more merch of her

You baked peppeponi pizzs for her; and she demolish it with one gulp! "This is so good!!!!"

100 percent , you and Chica is gonna have a karaoke night at her room, singing Dancing Queen, Papparazi and Careless whisper.

Chica also likes to play makeup with you, she will make you the most beautiful thing ever

And also, painting you nails!

"I love you so much y/n!!"

"I love you too chic!"

Roxxane Wolf

"Literally? I dont need that type of celebration, I know they love me."

And her she is, dying to talk to you and celebrate the Valentines with you.

Her ego is getting in the way, she really wants to say I love you and give you one of her plushies as a gift.

"Get together Roxxane, You will give it to Y/N as soon as possibl-" She stopped at her tracks.

"What will you give it to me?" You chirped up, looking at the wolf.

"JESUS- Stop sneaking a-around!!" She yelled at you , making you jumped.

"I just..want to see how you were doing.." You soften your voice, with a hint of hurt in it.

'Shit I fucked up.'

You were about to walk away until her clawed hands grab you and pulled you to her.

She took a heavy breath. "O-Okay,look Im so sorry, its just- just take this!" She shoved you her plush with a tint of red in her face.

You giggled. "The Roxxane Wolf is asking me on a date? I'll be glad." You smiled at her, hugging the plush.

She rambles on Chica about it later

"OHMYGOD,OHMYGOD." she repeated and yelled at the pillow like a teen girl.

William Afton

This man is a busy as heck, he literally forgotten about this dear day for him and his dear wife.

Michael barged into the door, making him stumble.

"Mike, how many times did I tell you to knock into the damn doo-"

Michael cutted him off. "What day is it."

"Its Monday."

Michael facepalmed himself. "Dad, Its literally Valentines. Mom is waiting on you at the hous-"

William slamed his hand on the table and yelled. "FUCK." He immediately took his coat, and rushed at the door.

"Tell Henry I'm going to take a half day."

This man rushed into the grocery store, taking all the brands of chocolates in panic. He dont want you to be sad at this so called day.

When he reached the house, he barged, starling you while you sew Evan's shirt.

"Dear, why so early?" You asked, putting down the cloth and rushing on him while taking his coat.

"Im so sorry love, I brought you chocolates-" He give you the 30+ brands of chocolates and some of them had fallen into the floor.

He tried to picked the fallen ones but you reached it first.

"Dear, you didn't have to do that." You helped him settled the chocolates in the kitchen table.

"As long as I'm with you, I'm okay Will." You smiled at him.

He hugged you, his head rest into the crook of your neck. "Oh , I'm lucky to have a wife like you."

You giggled, hugging him back.

"Say, why don't we head into the bedroom. Hmm?" He cooed, his crooked teeth showing

"William !" You slapped him playfully.

extra:

evan: hey lizzy, look they're some chocolates on the table..

elizabeth: i see it, i like it, i want it, i got it.

Henry Emily

Oh this man is the most romantic ever, Flowers and Chocolate is always left at the table whenever you wake up.

Your twins, Sammy and Charlie is helping their papa to set up some love notes all over.

"Be quick, before mama hear us!" Sammy whispered yelled at his twin. "

"Be quite too!" Charlie sushed.

Little did they know you were eavedropping. It makes your heartmelt that your little ones are making an effort for you.

Henry got home, and he immediately walk up to you. "You look so stunning honey." He complimented you, kissing your forehead.

"And so are you, darling." You leaned at him

He stand up, playing an audio through the dvd player. "Let's dance."

The dance was smooth and short, you and him are giggling like you guys did back in high school.

and you guys shared a sweet kiss.

extra:

charile and sammy: eww yuck.

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stuckonscenarios · 4 years

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what would the girls of homestuck (both beta and alpha including the trolls[beta and alpha]) do/act if they found out a girl had a crush on em

for a short answer: i personally hc all the human girls as being attracted to the same gender on some level and it’s canon that trolls don’t really have sexualities the way we do. so! assuming they like the girl back, i think all the girls would be receptive and happy with a girl liking them. for a more specific headcanons, see under the cut.

(i would have put this in the tags but i dont want it to get buried: for future reference can we keep the character count to like... four per request)

💜 rose tries so hard to play it cool, she really does. she has all these really cool one liners and suave pick up lines saved, but the minute you begin talking to her all bets are off. emotions and sincerity are really not rose’s forte, but she does make an effort for you. she’s very flustered whenever you broach the subject, but tries her damndest not to show it. this may result in rose coming off as colder and more verbose than usual, but don’t be put off! she’s just nervous, ha ha.

💚 jade is really surprised when she finds out you like her. she’d been trying to subtly flirt with you for a while, but that had mostly turned into her getting heart eyes whenever you talk and looking like--well, a lovesick puppy. as soon as she catches wind that you like her, she’s ready to confront you and hopefully move from there. despite her previous unlucky relationships, jade tends to tread on the side of optimism and has high hopes for your future together.

💙 jane is completely beside herself. we see how flustered she gets when the subject is brought up with jake, but when she’s being confessed to?? her brain short circuits. after the conversation, jane might avoid you for a little bit due to embarassment, but with a little reassurance she’ll come around. at the end of the day, she’s just so overwhelmed and happy that you like her back.

💗 roxy is immediately stoked. she’s got so much love to give, and cannot wait to share it with you! prepare for lots of affection from roxy; cuddles and wonks are frequent. you can’t really blame her though. she’s smitten and thrilled you like her back. don’t expect her to be very public about your blossoming relationship, though. while roxy may gush and be lovey-dovey when the two of you are alone, she prefers to keep matters of the heart more private.

❤️ aradia’s all smiles. she’s visibly happy, probably taking your hands tightly between her own. she’s not shy in verbally confirming her excitement either. aradia starts opening up a little more; she’s showing off one the more impressive bones in her collection when you realize this. it wasn’t bragging. it was an invitation into aradia’s world, so to speak. at any rate, your interest makes aradia feel warm inside.

💚 nepeta is beyond thrilled. she immediately updates her shipping wall to display her newly canonized otp. deep down, nepeta is very lonely; that’s the entire reason she’s so invested in relationships. knowing you like her is like a dream come true! if you haven’t already confessed, rps will probably start getting suspiciously flirty, lol. subtlety doesn’t come easy for nepeta, and it’s even harder when she likes you so much!

💚 kanaya has to do a double take. she hadn’t really thought that her attempts at flirting had… worked?? but here you are. liking her. blood rushes to kanaya’s cheeks at the very thought. anyway, kanaya’s all in at the thought of being with you; dates are planned quickly. assuming you’re on a planet with non-lethal sunlight, happy sunshine picnic dates with your vampire girlfriend are frequent.

💙 terezi likes to play around before getting to the heart of the matter, so she’ll probably flirt with you for a little bit before officiating any relationship with you. terezi just loves the scent of your chagrin when she teases you! it might take a while for her to actually open up to you though. terezi’s had a difficult past where romance is concerned, so be patient with her.

💙 vriska will probably try cajoling you into making the first move. except she’s not exactly subtle, so it’s super obvious that your crush on her is reciprocated. there are probably a lot of shenanigans leading up to the actual confession: that just comes with the vriska package. kinda random but later on in your guys’ relationship i could see vriska bouncing her various plots and schemes off of you. intentionally or not, you’ll become the person who makes sure all her irons in the fire aren’t getting too hot.

💗 feferi is SO GLUBBING -EXIT-ED!!! 38D it may take a few moments of giggling before feferi’s calmed enough to really talk. but when she does, it’s all about you. she wants to know what you’re thinking, what’s going through your head. feferi’s just a bit concerned is all. her history of dating cagey, grumpy boys has forced feferi into a habit of being pushy about feelings. bare with her, though, she means well. also probably a big hugger.

❤️ damara is suspicious, at first. she’s been severely jilted in the past, and this has negatively affected her outlook on future relationships. damara will come on super strong to scare you off make sure you’re serious about her and not in it for the wrong reasons. once she’s decided that you’re trustworthy, damara will take things very slow. she’ll want to spend a lot of time with you, being soft and getting to know each other.

💚 meulin is excited, but inside she’s a little nervous. similar to damara, meulin has been unlucky in love in the past. for as much as she loves love, she had made her peace with it not being in the cards for her future. your confession definitely makes her happy, don’t get me wrong! but she’s also worried and waiting for some tragedy to befall the two of you. be patient with meulin; she just doesn’t want to lose somebody she cares about as much as you. <3

💚 porrim is much happier than she lets on. secretly, she’d worried that her.. salacious reputation had scared you off. she won’t need much reassurance, though. just your presence is enough to comfort porrim and remind her that others’ opinions don’t matter. you ground her, in that way. i could see porrim being a little protective of you too; she might fuss over your scarf when it’s cold out or be really into helping you time manage or something like that.

💙 latula’s knee jerk reaction is to throw up a palm for the r4dd3st high five, but thought better of it when she remembered her steel palm. if she trusts you with her heart, then latula will likely trust you enough to at least partially drop the cool girl facade. latula’s ultra supportive, too. whether it’s verbal encouragement, a hand on the small of your back while walking, or even just a smile, latula never lets you forget that she’s got you, through thick and thin.

💙 aranea is a bit smug. she was sure this day would come sooner or later, it was only a matter of when. that doesn’t stop her from being elated, though! which she immediately begins to wax poetic about, haha. aranea probably keeps a diary or two, in which you are a recurring theme. this is a little random, but in private i could see aranea being a fan of giving & receiving surprise kisses.

💗 if aranea is a little smug, then meenah is smug as fuck. of course you like her back; what’s not to like? homegull’s got it going on! the two of you will quickly become partners in crime (if you weren’t already), with you as meenah’s right hand gal. despite the bad bitch/take charge attitude meenah has, yours would be pretty much the only opinion she values higher than her own. though she may have a reputation to uphold, meenah thinks of you as her strongest ally.

-mod lux

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bahrlee · 4 years

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Suck the blood from my Wound

Enter: Raph the Womf

🦇🦇🦇chapter 5: Impossible🦇🦇🦇

The next day, the three girls were reported as dead due to…. Throat related injuries. They didnt go into much detail as to not disgust or trigger their viewer's, they just mentioned the basics---they were found in the woods with their throats ripped out, bitemarks present---but still. It left him a little nauseous, and nervous. They were only in kindergarten, and here they were, viciously mangled buy someone in the woods during probably one of the happiest day of their lives. He tried to connect Dook too the crime, that would so obviously point to him, but there was just something so off about it in the first place. Were vampire fangs that strong enough to pull out a little girls trachea? Mitzi would definitely think so, in fact he remembered she said so.

Even though it was still offputting, he didnt let that ruin his day. He needed to get his house back to its former glory since that weird night. He found it hard to go on with his day, however, since there was an unpleasantness in the air that couldnt be ignored. Everyone all day was looking over their shoulders, hugging themselves, holding their children close to them as they walked down the streets. He has never seen a mother walk so quickly from him, a man with long blonde hair wearing cargo shorts a a shirt with flamingos on it. They were scared of any man, he guessed, since men always seemed to be the killers. Even ones who look like theyd surfed since they were toddlers. Which reminded him that he needed to surf again soon. Ever since Fatz left, he never found the motivation to hop on a board for awhile. But for now, today's goal: paint over the scratches on the wall. He was so happy it was only the paint that chipped, no actually wall damage, because he didnt know how to fix something like that. He wasnt good at fixing things.

The inside of the store was just as somber. Mothers pulling their kids from the toy isle when they usually let them explore it by themselves, the newspaper wrack was completely empty, things were just so different. It was only one murder, and everyone was losing it, like Ted Bundy was on the loose. And it was only one murder. Well, three, but it was all done at once. Who knows what would happen when or if another one happened? Who knows what would happen if they found out that a possible culprit was a vampire? That was too scary to think about, so he stopped and went to go get him some paint. He didnt even know what to do about the carpet yet.

Heck, what was he going to do about anything anymore since the possibilities seemed endless, now that there was a vampire loose through town.

🦇🦇🦇

He stayed up late, but for the last couple days hes been staying up TOO late, trying to contemplate what he has learned. He just lived his life. Making a deal to become some sort of spy, getting himself involved in a rivalry between two different cryptids who treated it as though it were the civil war, except one of the sides wasnt even aware of what was happening and what the other was planned against them.

Just like he predicted, he didnt see him that much. For the first day, he once again had nothing to report to Mitzi. The next day, same thing. He hasn't seen him since their conversation at Roxys. She did return her part of the deal, providing the conversations you usually had with a friend. He even sat in the water with her, so she didnt have to be in such shallow places. That case if anyone walked by they wouldnt see the rest of her. They didnt get too deep, just stories, small talk, interesting things about being a sea monster and vice versa since even though she lived a double life she didnt exactly know too much, the normal stuff. She seemed a little upset he hasn't seen him, but it's not like he was seeking him out every single day. He wasnt a stalker. What a funny turn of events that would be though, if the HUMAN turned out to be the stalker instead of the vampire. That would be interesting. He hoped she didnt cut the deal off, and kept explaining to her why stalking is actually a bad thing, feeling shamefully desperate. But he couldnt help it, he had no friends.

He crossed his fingers, however, that they would cross paths again, both to satisfy Mitzi, and to see him again. He was so torn, when he spotted him acrossed the room at a comedy club while out with Fatz, he didnt know if he should go up to him.

🦇🦇🦇

He preferred to sit in the back of everywhere, appearently. Maybe because it was so dark, and secluded, that he wouldnt be called out by the comic onstage at this particular place. Although it felt so out of place for him to be anywhere in town, or anywhere around town, really. Maybe theres this whole council of vampires, and hes on a mission right now given to him by them. Maybe he just liked to hang out at relatively dark places, or examine the nature of mortals. Or…. Maybe he was looking for his next victim, adult and in the next town this time, to mix it up a little.

His shoes were glowing this time. Similar to the vintage boots he wore, but this time the stars and crescent moons lit up. That was enough to mesmerize him.

"Whatcha looking at there, Beach?" Fatz asked, noticing his glances.

"Well obviously that boy over there." Esmeralda answered him instead of Beach. That was the thing with her, she answered all of Fatz' questions, even when directed to him, or somebody else.

"Hes a new guy. Met him at the movies once." Beach explained.

"Guess we didnt have to order you food tonight then," Esmeralda quipped. "You got yourself a nice meal right over there."

"Esme, I tried to flirt with him, okay? It's like flirting with Wednesday Addams child if she had a baby with the Willy Wonka from Tim Burtons awful adaptation of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." He angrily drank his coke.

"Maybe you're just a bad flirt, you know?"

"Oh be quiet, Esmeralda. Beach is fine. Hes charming!" Fatz retorted enthusiastically.

"If you're so charming, go up to him. Say hi. Buy him a drink." Esmeralda advised.

"He doesnt drink." Beach quickly reverbed.

"Well now why doesnt he drink?"

Because hes a vampire, future Mrs. Geronimo.

"I dont know. I jus know hes not much for actually living in the moment you know, he just…." He turned and looked at him again, his head so obviously in the clouds. "....Kind of observes everything."

"You always go for the types that just sit there and look pretty, dont you?" Fatz said. He always questioned his type. The very monotone, 'too cool for school' men who tended to be more introverted and less talkative, two opposites of Beach. He liked his conversations. He was one of the best people to converse with because he kept it going. But he always went for the guys who's social skills were a bit stale. At least that's what Fatz thought, the truth was hes been with men of all kinds, Fztz only saw the shy guys, who were much less sh the more you got to know them. Fatz just tended to hold onto first impressions a little longer than he should.

"Shut up, quit acting like you know my type." He glowered.

"Cant deny it, Beach." He shrugged.

Some friend he was.

Esmeralda checked the time on her phone. "Fatz, its 10."

"Oh, what? Its 10 already?" He said.

"Yeah! We gotta go Beach, we're sorry. We gotta get sleep so we catch our flight to Louisiana for my family reunion tomorrow." She said.

A little mad that they were leaving, but understanding he had no control over it, he let them leave. He wasnt going to be too petty about it. Speak of Louisiana, however… he turned and saw Dook there, legs crossed, shows glowing---he still couldnt get over that, he wanted glowing shoes now---his eyes fixated on nothing.

Now that he was alone, he could probably try to talk with him. Mustering up his courage, he stood up, forgetting how tall he was for a moment and feeling a bit clumsy, and walked over to him. He seemed to be really deep in his own mind, because when he said hello, he jumped.

"Jesus christ!" He exclaimed. "What?!"

He held up a hand and waved. "Hello."

He exhaled loudly, giving him the stink eye, genuinely annoyed by his presence. "What the hell are you everywhere I go?" He spoke, putting emphasis on every word.

"Just find it funny that we find each other everywhere."

"No, you come up to me, say your shit, trying to get into my pants or whatever."

These non-mortals sure had some big mouths on them. But he guessed if they cant even get along within their world, of course they dont put any care into their interactions with humans. Was this his life now? Getting yelled at by two overgrown leeches for the rest of his days?

"No, I just came over here to say I like your shoes." He said. "You dont drink alcohol, but do you drink soda?" He recalled him drinking something at the movies.

Dook pointed to the soda on the table. "Little too late for that, man."

Dangit.

"Why are you so rude?" He asked him. "Why cant you just talk to me like a normal person without everything coming out of your mouth being a nasty comment? Why cant I just treat you nicely and be treated nicely back, huh?"

Dook slightly smirked at him. "Ficety."

Beach was a tad frustrated, but it only made him want to try harder. "No, you're ficety. I'm just trying to talk to you."

"You a nice guy?"

"No, I'm Beach."

And he finally heard him legitimately laugh. He was surprised at how audacious it was, and how much it revealed about him---he was a pretty goofy person. He seemed to be one for jokes, and humor. "Oh my god, alright, you're pretty funny, you can stay I guess. Sit down."

He obliged, feeling like he just achieved something impossible.

"So, Beach, if that's even you're real name, which I know it isnt, go ahead. Make this a speed date. Tell me a-a bit about yourself."

"Um…. Well…. I like surfing, and writing---I was an english major, actually---"

"Oh, interesting. Tell me something smart."

His mind drew a blank.

"Oh yes, wonderful. Did you uh, drop out or anything?"

"No, finished all four years. First one in my family not to drop out to persue a career as a rockstar, actually." He babbled, just excited to be getting through to him in any way.

"Huh. Interesting. I never went to college." He stirred the straw in his soft drink, smiling modestly.

"Did you drop out to become a rockstar?"

He thought for a moment. "Eh, kinda just happened. My dad forced me to play in a band when I was a sophmore. Actually, uh, enjoyed it and decided to stick with it for awhile. After that, I sang with my sister for a bit, and then something happened, and now I'm here."

"Huh." He knew what the thing was. He was immortalized. "Tell me about her."

"She lives back home. Three kids. A bit older than me, that's why she already has three. School music teacher." He said.

"Cool. I have a brother who's much older than me. Not as cool, kinda mean." He sighed.

"Hm, not very close to anyone, are you? I always see you alone. Guess that's why you bother me a lot."

He shook his head. "Yeah, my one friend who was just here a moment ago left, and hes been drifting away a bit. Everyone else is a workmate or an acquaintance."

Dook pulled the sleeves to his shirt over his hands and placed them under head chin. He was so obsessed with the way he dressed he couldnt handle it. "No wonder you're up the new guys ass."

Beach couldnt help be giggle. He was glad he was funny.

Dook reached over and grabbed one of those tiny pencils used to fill in Keno cards, and a napkin, and wrote something down. "Guess I'll amuse you for now." He slid it over to him. It was his number.

"Oh my god." He did it. It was out of pity, so obviously out of pity, but he got his number.

And finally, the late night comedy club announced its next act, after a long while of radio silence. The emcee came on stage, everyone cheered, well except for Dook who just glared up at him---well not really glare, he just seemed to have a case of a resting tired face, which wasnt necessarily a bad thing, but it still looked funny---seemingly board of every comedy routines seen tonight.

"Sorry for the delay everyone, we just had a minor difficulty with some of our guest comics tonight. But thankfully, one of them came prepared. Please everyone, give it up for Rolfe DeWolfe, and his no-so-friendly sidekick, little Earl Schmerle.

Once again everyone cheered accept Dook, who's eyes widened, a little stunned by his presence. The comedian, clad in a plaid vest and black undershirt, with a wacky voice and a yellow puppet on his hand, smiled and thanked the audience for being there.

"I knew he was here." Dook murmured.

"What---"

"Beach."

"Yeah?"

He leaned down, and turned his shoes off. "Can we leave?"

"Why?"

His eyes were locked on the comedian in a strange, prey-like state. "Hes not that funny."

It was very obvious it was not because of that reason, but of course he couldnt point it out.

He stood up slowly, creeping quietly (or as quietly one could walk in heels) through the dim room, as Rolfe and the puppet began their routine. Yes, Dook was actually correct, the routine was…. Meh. It made you smile, not laugh. But of course that wasnt the point if the whole thing going on right now, was it? He copied his moves, standing up and moving quietly, this time actually quiet because of the fact he was wearing actual shoes.

Beach Bear copied him, slinking out of his seat and following him to the door. They slipped out, into the warm night. The way he just…. Stared at him. He was going to take note of that. If only he remembered the name of whomever was onstage.

"So um…. What are we doing now?" He asked him.

"Ummm…. I dont really know." He laughed nervously.

"What do you know about that person in there?" He asked. "Seemed a little more than 'hes not funny.'"

He sighed. "You dont wanna know." He said.

Beach had a few guesses.

Dook shrugged and looked around, still a little alert. "We can just…."

"Take a walk?" He guessed.

"I mean…. Why not?"

The more time to get to know him.

🦇🦇🦇

He dodged any personal questions, and the ones he did answer, he didnt go too deep into it. Simple, vague answers. No names of people, no small anecdotes, no detail. They did just meet anyways, of course he was valid for keeping most things for himself. Beach already knew things he was keeping from him anyways. He seemed a bit more anxious than usual, however, seeing that puppeteer onstage seemed to shake him a bit. Genuinely worried about how disoriented he seemed, he asked him if he were okay.

"Yeah, I'm fine. If-if I go into it, itll just…" he trailed off.

"Oh, okay. Just…. Making sure. You need to sit down or something?"

He shook his head. "I said I'm fine." He repeated.

"Like I said, just making sure." He sighed.

He hoped that not every moment between them would have some kind of stale silence between them. It was starting to get annoying at this point.

"Wait." Dook stopped, so he stopped, a little confused.

Dook crouched down and turned back on his shoes. "There. Better." He smiled, as if those shoes were the source of his pride and joy.

"Whered you even get those shoes?" He asked him.

"Goodwill."

"Huh. Are they battery powered or something?"

"Yeah. Batteries go in the heels." He said.

"You dress very cool."

"Um…. Okay, uh, thanks I guess." He laughed modestly. "You dress like you play beer pong."

He snorted, realizing it was entirely true. "But I'm serious. You're just… unapologetically bold in the way you dress. And I can tell you dress because you like it and not for attention, because you certainly dont seem like the type who likes all eyes on them." He explained.

"Well, yeah. Nobody can tell me what to wear, so…" he shrugged. "Many people think I'm a girl at first, but…. You know, whatever. I-I like it."

"Same thing about the mullet?"

He laughed again, covering his mouth shyly. "I mean…"

"It looks good on you though, not everyone can pull off a look like that."

Dook shrugged, grabbing the long part of his hair. "Yeah. I guess."

The streets were so serene when they were empty. Even though there was the abduction of three little girls who were found dead the next morning, and he might be standing next to the culprit, the night still felt so welcoming, and calm. Something about the street lights shining down on the sidewalk, the neon of the open signs in almost every window, the clearness of the night sky which he caught Dook glimpsing up at in awe once every few minutes.

"You like space?" He asked.

"Yeah. When I was little I wanted to be an astronaut." He said. "When um… playing with the band I always said I was gonna play with them until I could go to space." He said. "Didn't happen, though."

"Do you still wanna go there?"

"I mean, yeah, it would be cool."

The way the stars glistened in his eyes as he looked up at them in complete amazement.

"I feel the same way about the sea. I wanted to go underwater, like, in a submarine, for my whole life, just to explore. Don't you think it's weird how we know our moon better than our sea?"

He thought for a moment, looking a little hazed, maybe from the way the waning moon was shining down on them, distracting him from the real world. He seemed to be the type with an imagination.

"I can't believe every single one of those is a star up there. Every single one." Dook said. He began wiggling his fingers a bit in excitement.

He's never seen him impressed before. Maybe he should try and use space theme pick up lines to flirt, maybe then he'll notice him. But the only one he could think of was the classic your ass is out of this world joke, which he didn't think was a very cool one to throw his way. He might get punched in the face. He also was way too tired of thinking of something. These late night outings were really starting to get to him. It wasn't even that late out, compared to how late he usually stayed out.

"How close were you to achieving your submarine dream?" He asked him.

"I surf. That's about as close. I love it." He responded.

"Ah. The closest I got was space camp as a kid." He ran his fingers through the bangs and his mullet.

Beach put his hands in his pockets and kicked a rock into the road.

"Didya try going into biology or something to get into the ocean?" He asked.

"Oh no, my science grades were…. Not too good. I majored in english." He answered.

"How old are you?"

"23." He said. "What about you?"

Dook froze for a moment, thinking. Probably doing math in his head, which he probably wasn't very good at, from the way he snuck his fingers out to count. He didn't know why he was assuming so much from the little things, but he was.

"21." He finally said.

So he must've been 21 when he was turned into a vampire. And from the looks, it was in the 80s. Now he was wondering a lot. How did one even get turned into a vampire? He tried remembering back to Stoker's Dracula, Sookie Stackhouse, vampire chronicles, heck, even twilight. A bite? Excessive drinking of the blood? Canoodling with your partner, accidentally killing her, because vampires are apparently that strong (he hoped that wasn't the way, if anything that happened in twilight was true he'd probably run over to Stephanie Meyers house and drink HER blood)? All these questions he couldn't ask, because he didn't tell him. It was probably a very hard thing to tell in the first place. Mitzi was always incognito, and had a human end a close friendship with her once they found out about her secret, so he wasn't too surprised Dook was the same way. Mitzi was merely a teen, but Dook has been around for awhile---how many times was his heart broken by both partners and friends fearing him once they found out?

"So you're a drummer, right?" Beach asked. He couldn't be in his own head for too long.

"Yeah?" He said.

"Howd you get into drumming?"

"Band. You know…. School band."

"Huh, cool. I played Tenor sax."

"So you like Rush and have a strong disliking towards cornets." He assumed.

"Stereotypes, really?"

He shrugged. "What? You know it's true."

"Well then…. Since you're a percussionist I believe that you yell yeehaw any chance you get, have weak lungs, and have an affinity for Oingo Boingo."

He looked to his side with a knowing smile. "I mean I do like Oingo Boingo---"

"HA!"

"What? You just proved my point!"

They both started laughing, the feeling of their bond growing a bit stronger.

"What chair were you?" He asked.

"Always like…. Second. Third. I'm not the best. And…. Lemme guess, you were first chair a-and got all the solos?"

He shrugged. "We only had two in the top band, what can I say?"

He liked the constant laughter between them. It was a good sign, he believed. Laughter was an important step to any kind of relationship. If you couldn't see yourselves traveling the world as a comedic duo, what was the point? So his Hope's were set high, just as a love sick gay person should be.

🦇🦇🦇

When they walked back to the club (both of their cars were there, they couldn't just walk home), Dooks goodbye was surprisingly hasty. Maybe he didn't want to encounter that guy that was here earlier, in case he was still loitering about, because his eyes carried the same alertness they did at the moment he spotted him. But he had his number now, an all powerful thing that Mitzi would be very happy to hear. He went to his car, very proud of what he accomplished, happy he finally got through to him enough to get to know a little more. When he had his hand on the handle, however, he heard something… interesting. A struggle of a woman was what he could compare it most to. He heard a male voice, one that wasn't Dooks, saying something. Remembering Dooks quick exit off of centerstage, he was inclined to follow the sound. He followed it to the side of the building, where he could clearly hear a woman's muffled screams. He could also hear the words from the other, currently disembodied voice, urging on whomever had her pinned.

"You want to starve, Dook? You can't just not feed for three months then go purge on woodland creatures for the next week!" The voice scolded.

Against the wall, he peaked over the corner, and saw the sight of Dook with a terrified blonde against the wall, fangs out, the pure look of struggle, and willpower in his face as he bit his lip, as to resist his urge to plunge them into her neck. The other dude was the comedy man, mister Ralph whats-his-name (man no wonder he was performing in a small comedy parlor in a small town in florida), was trying to egg him on to make the kill. Dook opened his mouth, obviously starving, but unwilling to bring harm upon the poor, unsuspecting patron, and turned away, dropping her to the ground. She shot up and scrambled away, probably scared for life. He turned back around the corner, hoping he wasn't spotted.

"Come on, Dook!" Comedian guy huffed at him. "Why can't you just be like every other vampire planet? Why do I have to force I yoh human blood?!"

"I mean…. ED?" He responded, scared but able to respond in his usual way.

"You were turned into a vampire to get rid of that." He groaned, tired, but seemingly used to his sass.

"Well that didn't work, did it---" there was a thump against the wall.

He turned to peak again. This time it was Dook against the wall. He had a hold of him with his shirt. He pulled out something in his pocket, and from closer examination, he made out the classic---a wooden stake, fit to kill any vampire with a stab to the heart. He lightly placed it against his chest, Dook visibly shaking, and struggling with all his might.

"You'll reap what you sow, Dook. If you don't follow orders, if you don't keep yourself alive for the better of your kind, you'll pay." He threatened.

Dook brought up his leg and kicked his stomach, the comedian losing grip on him and falling back, the stake falling to the ground.

"My kind is human, got it? I'm not doing anything for a vampire, or a werewolf, or-or for anyone, really!"

"Was human, Dook. You're one of us now, and you have to accept it. You do the duties bestowed upon you, I wouldn't be on your tail all the time!" He got up.

"Fuck you." He replied. The comedian screamed and threw his fists at him, only smacking against the brick as Dook flew out of the way.

"I can't believe I was assigned to you, my god!" He seethed.

"Then LEAVE!" He shouted.

"I won't, because I'm not disobeying my orders! It's my job to keep people like you in check and I'm sticking by it until the end of time, like what i'm supposed to do. I'm going to keep following you until you feed on humans, turn humans, and be grateful you died in our hands."

They both stared at each other silently, eyes fixed on the other with intimidating adrenaline.

"If you don't, you're dead. And I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure you don't up and head out of town this time."

"You wish."

He grabbed him by the shirt again, and began pulling him to the front.

Terrified, he turned back around, eyes wide.

Mitzi was gonna have a ball, hearing this.

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noodlecupcakeswritings · 5 years

Text

Coming Down - Chapter 16 (Sequel to The Other Woman)

Warnings: Language, Feels, Fluff, Negan being a stupid male

Let me know if you would like to be added to the taglist. If you liked what you read please leave some kudos or maybe a reblog or comment. Consider hitting the follow button too for more content.

Chapter 16

Roxy’s P.O.V

Looking for Sherry had been fruitless. Not even a trace of her anywhere. I didn't want to come back without her. She was my friend, she'd stopped me from running once so I felt obliged to help her. If I couldn’t convince her to come back, then maybe I could give her some supplies to help her on her way. But with Sherry gone I felt the need to keep a close eye on Dwight. His wife had left, and he was calm? Bullshit. They had too much history. I would be far from calm if Negan just upped and left. Dwight was becoming dodgier by the minute. I looked at the sunset and sighed. I needed to turn back. Negan would worry if I wasn't back before dark.

I cursed, angry with myself for not finding her, angry with Sherry for running away. I forced myself to turn the car around, heading back for The Sanctuary. I reached the gates a little after dark, the two giant metal doors opening up to let me inside. I expected to find Negan up on the lookout point, waiting for me to come home but it was empty. He must have been tired from all the stress, so he might be in bed already. Understandable. Good, I was glad he didn't wait up for me and worried himself. I parked the car and headed to our room. The bed was empty, still made up from this morning. Oh. Maybe he was with the wives then. Never mind. He couldn't spend every waking moment with me. He was probably making sure they were calm after Sherry’s escape. He couldn't lose anyone else.

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Over the next few days I was noticing how distant Negan was being with me. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. Its like I was an afterthought to him. He hadn’t even slept in the same bed as me since the day Sherry ran off. We'd barely spoken as well. I was under the impression I'd done something wrong. It was obvious he was spending his nights with the wives and again that hurt. Even if we weren't officially a couple. I didn't even know what the hell we were but I thought I'd been special. I guess I was stupid in thinking that, perhaps he was bored of me now. How could I have been so stupid to let myself get so comfortable? I should never have thought I was anything more than a body to warm his bed at night.

I was as much to blame as him. I'd let this happen, I'd let him walk all over me. Well not again. We were going to have to talk, i needed to know where I stood. I needed to know if I meant anything to him. Because god did he mean the world to me...I think I loved him. I'd do anything to keep him happy and god forbid anybody ever hurt him. Maybe I just didn't want to admit that I loved him in case he didn't feel the same way. I didn't want to feel stupid. Well I wouldn't have to admit it, I just needed to know why he was avoiding me. I racked my brain for anything I might have done wrong but there was nothing. Not in my eyes anyway.

I found him out the back, checking on various things. He glanced at me before quickly looking away. Now I was pissed off. I made a beeline for him and cleared my throat for his attention. “We need to talk,” I said matter of factly. “I’m a bit busy right now, maybe later?” “No. Now.” He knew I wasn't playing around and gave me his full attention. I led him inside and into our room where it would be private. I closed the door behind him and stood in front of it to stop him from leaving. He wasn't running away from this. He looked bored, fuelling my rage even more.

“What the fuck is going on?” I snapped. “What do you mean?” “Don't act dumb. It's not a good look for you. You've been fucking avoiding me as if I’m fucking infected. Did I do something wrong or is whatever this is over?” His face fell at my words, he looked sad, panicked. “No! No, you did nothing wrong. I just...needed some space.” “After losing Sherry?” He shrugged. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? The more vague he was being the angrier it made me. I wanted to go over and shake him, knock some fucking sense into him.

“Cut the bullshit already, somethings wrong and you need to fucking tell me,” I shouted. Negan sighed, putting Lucille down. I stepped closer to him, focusing my rage on the man in front of me. “Your making me think that everything we had was bullshit, that I don't mean anything to you,” I continued, my voice cracking as I was on the verge of tears. Negan grabbed me by my arms, “I’m scared alright, I’m fucking scared of losing you too.” Everything seemed to fall into place with his words. Everything suddenly made so much sense. He looked at me like a wounded animal, like he was afraid of my reaction. I pulled him into a hug, resting my head against his chest.

He held me tight, running his fingers through my hair, “I thought pushing you away would make it easier. I've never been so fucking wrong.” “You’re not going to lose me. I’m not going anywhere. And that’s a promise,” I reassured him. “Amber said I'd been getting too close to you. She didn't see why I kept the wives around.” “And you listened to her? You listened to an alcoholic in the making?” “Dont remind me. I know how fucking stupid that was.” He leaned down and kissed me softly. I returned the kiss, pressing my forehead to his in a tender manner.

“I just get so scared when you go out there, I think that one day you won’t come back. Just things seem to be getting shitter out there and we have a lot more enemies than friends. What if one day they decide to take you from me?” he explained. I appreciated that he was starting to understand the disadvantage we had with so many communities out there that wanted us dead. But we couldn’t let them stop what we were doing, we couldn’t live in constant fear of what ifs. Walkers weren’t so much of a threat anymore, now it was people you had to watch out for. I cupped his cheek, forcing him to look at me. “They aren’t stupid enough to do that. And you know I will always come back to you. There's no getting rid of me now.”

His grip on me seemed to tighten as if I would slip away there and then. “I just can’t go through that again,” he said sadly. That meaning Lucille. Was this his way of telling me how much I meant to him? That I was just as important to him as Lucille had once been? Why was I surprised? He meant as much to me as Tyler had. We’d both lost our other halves to this new world, we’d both struggled to find our way, to find a new meaning and purpose. Until we’d found each other to make each other whole again. We needed each other. “I won’t let you go through that again. I’m not going anywhere,” I continued to reassure him.

We held each other for a few moments, enjoying the closeness. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a fucking asshole lately,” Negan spoke. “You’re under a lot of stress at the moment, I get it just maybe don’t take it out on me all the time.” He nodded, “I’m lucky that you put up with it.” “Nobody else will.” He smiled at this before kissing me, his fingers in my hair. I wanted to tell him maybe that I loved him, but I guess I just didn’t want to risk ruining the moment. Commitment still seemed to freak him out. hopefully one day that would change.

Taglist: @my-world-of-imagines, @belathora, @negans-network, @cltex84, @collette04, @sarahlee8793, @ninavantastisch, @emoryhemsworth��

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lifedefused · 4 years

Text

New Post has been published on Life Defused

New Post has been published on http://lifedefused.com/i-dont-think-about-you/

I Don't Think About You

After Sean’s suicide, I was emotionally wrecked. I hit the road with Roxy and my jeep to clear my head. To figure out life. It was liberating and healing.Then I met Matt. This guy standing in front of me had gone and lived overseas for 2 years after his divorce to sort through life. I was in awe. I felt inspired. But I ran. He invited me for waffles. No thanks, Taco Bell and a night in my car instead. Curious… There are people that travel like me to explore life, after all, what is the meaning?

I think of it like my cats. These jerks go hide when someone comes over. However, sometimes they come out and watch them. They want affection. They want to see who they are. They want to trust. They stay just far away not to be grabbed or touched. Rubbing on furniture meowing for attention. They want affection from these people. They want to test the water to see what these humans might do to them.

That was me to Matt. Yet Matt was the human that sat down and said I will just sit here with you, I don’t have to connect. I purr… I enjoy having this human’s attention. Eventually, I come closer and closer. He pulls out the toys and I start playing. I enjoy our time together. He sees me. He tells me if I can just exist with you, I promise not to hurt you. Anytime you get scared, I go. So I swat him when he gets closer. Sometimes I use my claws to see what he does. Interesting… He stays. I start to trust him. Let down the walls. Not, I will even flop over on my back for this human to touch my belly. The moment I do that, it all changes.

You see I trusted him. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. We get married and I follow his career to Japan giving up my apartment, my career, my pets. When I get there, I still run and hide when I get scared. I won’t let anyone else know I have trusted him and that I am married again. Yet, I realize that isn’t him, that’s my issues and baggage I carry. I want to be better so I do what I know to do to clear my head and my heart. I go to explore the world around me. It is what I do. It is who I was when he met me. I think travel is the best teacher to discover the world reveal the powers within.

Upon my return, something was off with Matt and I felt it at my core. At first, I thought it was me and my changes. Until I found the messages from her. This human that had spent over a year building up trust crushes me in an instant. 3 days of looking me in the eyes promising that nothing happened and I find out from another source that this person was in my space, my world, with my man, and in my home.

It was my fault according to him. For every outburst of anger, for hiding my marriage, for needing time to myself, I caused this. “How men cheat is by dealing with the reality that they’ve hurt another by denying it. You don’t have to deal with something that is not a reality to you.”

Do I stay or do I go? This was one of the hardest questions I have ever faced. He promises-if you stay I will do ANYTHING, anything at all that you need. How would I admit after 4 months of being married that I failed, again? Options: I can return to the US with no job, no car, no place to go, and no way can I ask for my pets back. If you ever would have told me before this happened that I would stay with a cheater. NO WAY. Anyone that knows me would probably think the same thing. But I did. I stayed.

I put my heart and soul into transforming myself. This girl was 20 and I was 29, to make sure it didn’t happen again, I needed to change my body. I got into running. I worked out 2-3 times a day. I juiced. I found healthy recipes to make. I found photos from that time labeled “before” dated shortly after the affair. I am sharing because at this time I hated my body and I blamed myself and I couldn’t stand how I look. The affair took away all of my self-esteem. I was a confident human before but after I felt like I wasn’t attractive, intelligent, or in any way interesting. Just looking at this picture brings up so much sadness as my body is beautiful. At the time, I wasn’t sure that I would ever be lovable again.

My request was that I have access to all of his accounts, that he go to therapy, and that he commits to building back that trust. I wanted him to sit on the floor again and just exist around me so I could warm-up to trusting again. Three appointments in, he quit therapy and told me I needed to go with him or he wasn’t going. My response was that this was his mistake to fix, not mine, especially 4 months into a marriage.

After he quit therapy, I begged him to quit his job and move back to the US and let me build my career why he sorts through it. I had so much anxiety. I kept pushing forward. I started a doctorate program and started teaching too. I isolated myself from friends/family. I hadn’t even told people we had gotten married, how would I explain my situation? I was humiliated and I was betraying myself. My connections to people are one of my greatest assets and something I work incredibly hard at. However, I hid. I cried alone. I told people I was fine and I pulled away rarely reaching out to anyone scared they might ask how I am doing.

Anger is an understatement. I raged on Matt physically lashing out and spewing venom in the form of words and digging my claws and teeth in. I was already an explosive wreck after the suicide but this situation took my anger to a whole new level. It shattered everything I thought I knew about myself. I became a human that I didn’t even recognize.

Of course, this triggered Matt to lash out and return the rage.

One point I almost left Matt. Instead, I got individual therapy to stop the rage and I got a handle on my explosive reactions. My thought for therapy was that if I stopped lashing out that he would step up. I could set an example of change. I stopped and returned to the relationship re-committing myself.

Matt didn’t stop the raging and blaming me though. He even made the choice without me to continue in his job even though I had expressed I was done putting my career on hold and I was ready to return to the US.

The next year, I made the decision to return. My thinking was that if I showed Matt a good life in the US maybe he would have reason to get help and make an effort to repair the damages done, take responsibility, and to stop blaming me.

It was time to take care of myself and put the focus back on me. I needed to take control of my life again. Taking part of the blame when I wasn’t to blame was disorienting. I found myself busy trying to find myself back to the person that I once was. It wasn’t my responsibility to carry anymore. Matt has the burden of the destruction that his cheating caused. The minute I pulled back to focus on myself, Matt started slipping in the opposite direction of what I had intended. He became depressed and withdrawn.

I continued to beg him to go to therapy for help. February I put out the ultimatum, get help or I am done for good. Early March I showed him the divorce paperwork to show how serious I was. Towards the end of March, I filed when I had reason to think he was having an affair again. So much for doing ANYTHING I needed to stay and make me feel safe again. The next day, he made an appointment for therapy. Too little too late.

I connect to music and this is what I put on repeat for anyone else that needs to hear this:

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To prove to me he wasn’t cheating, he asked me to log in to his social media to see a conversation. In the short time that I was in there, a female student called him. I lost it. I took over all of Matt’s accounts. I reached out to his family and told them that I felt like he could use support since I would no longer be there. Matt told them not to reach out and that he was fine. His family lashed out of me. I outed all of his family secrets. I literally lost my sense to be rational. I even sent messages to his family like I was him. I spent most of April mourning the loss of my marriage and getting control of my emotions. COVID hit so I was forced to confront my feelings head-on and I started therapy again.

Of course, according to Matt, I am to blame. I quit on us and on him when he needed me the most. I can’t help but feel sad. I gave all of myself and wanted so much for it to work. Even though I filed a part of me held on to the thought that maybe he would return to just existing there while I bite and claw with the promise to never hurt me again. Showing up daily and just sitting there with me patiently doing what is needed to allow me to start trusting him again.

Since we have the house he has at least agreed to help financially contribute in the short term which that comes at a cost to me in the long term. I hadn’t talked to him in a few weeks and this past weekend Matt violated our separation agreement without communicating with me. We can’t even be separated without him disregarding something he signed in writing. Another broken commitment and promise. Sunday I cried more than I have cried in my entire life in a 24 hour period. Turning to music for support and just to relate.

And that is why I am writing this today. I know this doesn’t fit the norm of not airing out your dirty laundry. I have never been one that hides the bad. Social media tells us that we have to paint a picture of life is grand. However, I know every time I share I find people that can relate. So, yes I lost my cool, yes I am imperfect, yes I went bat shit crazy at times, I wasn’t perfect and I am not free of the responsibility for my part in the failure of my relationship.

What I can promise is I gave it my all and every bit of what I had.

After my music fest on Sunday, today my cousin posted something I desperately needed to hear.

So I am giving myself permission, out loud, to let go. To move on. To heal myself. I am acknowledging that I am ready to see beyond my pain today that I am holding onto and move into love, happiness that is clear of anger and the immense amount of guilt I have felt. Some of that guilt is in the fact I haven’t been honest and true to myself. I didn’t lean onto friends years ago when I needed them most and I believe people take the bad with the good or they don’t deserve you. I have been fighting my way back to myself and I am ready. What happened is my past and can’t be changed. As much as I wanted to control the outcome no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. I can control my actions and my emotions. I can reflect on what happened and make better decisions moving forward.

My heart is so full being back in Dallas with my people. Just today I had 4 people reach out to me asking for my time this week. They all have heard my stories of my mistakes and they still chose me. They sit with me and show me the love I need to show myself.

I know I’m Superwoman, I know I’m strong I know I’ve got this ’cause I’ve had it all along I’m phenomenal and I’m enough I don’t need you to tell me who to be

Can someone just hold me? Don’t fix me, don’t try to change a thing Can someone just know me? ‘Cause underneath, I’m broken and it’s beautiful

I’m broken and it’s beautiful

Today I chose forgiveness and to stop holding on to what could have been. Today I am leaning on my friends/family claiming out loud that I am working towards healing so that someday I can open my heart to receive love and trust again. For now, you can find me listening to this song over and over until I can wake up one day and every word is true.

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When you’re lost in the moment You can’t see where you going I didn’t who I could trust So I put all my faith in us Oh, you tore me to pieces Turned my strength into weakness I didn’t want it all to fall apart So I decided just to play the part

But honestly, I do it all again Putting up with all the bullshit, he made me strong enough to do this

It used to bother me Thought I could never leave? After all that I’ve been through, nothin’ left to prove No, no, no, I don’t think about you Weighin’ down on me I lost my sanity And now that we are through Nothin’ left to lose No, no, no, I don’t think about you

I feel freedom where I stand now And I feel proud from who I am now Yeah, I learned a lot along the way I love the woman that I became

I was patient, but not anymore He’s back in my hands And you swore I’ll never do it But it’s your turn to face the music

It was hard to hold on Days and nights I thought I’d never make at all Couldn’t make it at all Now I stand tall Feeling like myself again, no worries at all Breathe No one can stop me from livin’ this moment for me I found my heartbeat After all that I’ve been through No, I don’t think about you

It used to bother me (it used to bother me) Thought I could never leave? (Thought I could never leave?) After all that I’ve been through (through) nothin’ left to prove (prove) No, no, no, I don’t think about you Weighin’ down on me (weighin’ down on me) I found my sanity (I found my sanity) And now that we are through (through) Nothin’ left to lose (lose) No, no, no, I don’t think about you

I don’t think about you (no) (No, no, no) no, no, no (Not anymore) not anymore No, no, no I don’t think about you

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survivemiddleearth · 6 years

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Episode #3: “Nabbed by a man in a party city cow suit” -Nick

I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THAT I JUST GOT NABBED BY A MAN IN A FUCKING PARTY CITY COW SUIT, IM FUCKING KILLING MYSELF IN THIS STUPID FARMERS FEILD

Remember when i said i felt secure in this game? Yeah me neither, and now with a tribe swap (:

I’m so sad???? I don’t even know the names of my old tribe to mourn them. AHHHH I DONT WANNA SWAP YET cri cri. Well fresh start cept Stephan is here so semi fresh. Hopefully he won’t screw me over jajdjdw

a tribe swap huh... I'm really curious to see how the Idolhunt works, and if the clue for a 2nd Idol on 1 tribe (?!?!?!) is actually transferrable.

Its a tribe swap and yay! I’m with the two people I’ve actually talked strategy with, Dennis and Sammy. However, I am with Vi, who is not my favourite person, i’ll try for the clean slate and all that is my philosophy but she has a history of being a snake, if an ineffective, goat-esque snake.

BLESS THE RAINS Ok I'm actually sad about Jayden - was a cool guy but I couldn't try and dictate another vote so soon and he WAS on the outer :/ BUT NOW I GET TO BE CHAOTIC YEE HA! im throwing my old tribe under the bus so fast cuz im messy and i want to be that bitch (patent pending) johnny will assume i'll take his side probs but like, I might, but I'm not gonna give up this opportunity to play middleman my inner kass is gleaming caw-caw am coming!

Yay! I love my new tribe. I have had good experiences with all these players, so I feel that my options are available and I can go to whoever I want for an alliance.

I HAVE FOUND. EVERY SINGLE. FUCKING. IDOL LOCATION. ALL THREE. AND THEY'RE ALL. FOUND. IM GONNA. SCREAM. IM. MAD.

Ok lost post but I haven’t confessed since the swap so: ok so the tribe swap has me shook. Thank Zeus that I’m still with Jay and Ford. Zach and JG are also on this tribe but I don’t think they like me. I messaged Zach and he responded with ‘👀’ which was funny asf but also. how do I respond to that. Drew and nick both had conversations with me so I don’t feel completely rejected. Jay and I have been sharing idol hunt stories and we’re pretty sure that all idols have been found so I’m scared to idol hunt, all I’ll find is disadvantages and I don’t want that. The word search comp was a lot of fun ?? I didn’t know any of the words so it was really panicky but I think I did okay. I really hope that we win this comp because. I hate tribal?? I’ve only lived 2 tribals ever because I’m a dumbass so.

This tribe is...interesting. Zach and Dylan R, despite being my sons, are a lil snakey. I see their rat boy sides, respectfully. Dylan just never lets me live tbh. But Zach and I were talking about the tribe and he mentioned wanting to blindside Drew at some point, and I was like Yeah Makes Sense and he goes "so if you could convince people to do that it would be great!" BINCH. I'm not your minion yet, don't give me tasks. So I have to keep him around to throw under the bus at some point lol. I think I'll try to get Bodhi out first since everyone else on the tribe I think I can work with.

Ayyy. Lets go guys. I found an idol. The first time I ever found one in a survivor game. Lets see how long I can hold onto it, before i either get blindsided or waste it out of paranoia. Imagine how nutty it would be if I had 2 idols by now. DARN YOU STEPHEN!!!

I’d love to get crow on board to work with my old tribe mates, none of the others really talk to me much. Thats not to say if a better offer comes up I wont take it, I’m considering tryig a less loyal game plan.

So far Dennis is my closest ally in this game, but I’ve been working hard to make sure I dont stand out as a player and an alliance maker. I also have talked to Crow a lot and really like him, would love to work with him. Dennis wants to work with Roxy and Sammy which I am cautious about, but now isn’t the time to play the game too hard. I’ll work with them for now while getting closer to others and then make my move, theres a lot of players in this group I have to make sure I’m not left behind or blindsided.

Nick sweetie I like you but 2 hours omg im beyond shook. I don’t want him going so that’s chill but I would be lying if I said I didn’t laugh omg. I’m.... kinda glad we lost? In a way?? The other tribe has a 4-3-1 where as our tribe is 3-3-2 so. In a way this is better?? I’ll probably be eating these words when I get evicted tomorrow but oh well.

Drew is really nice and we have great conversations !! But I know his history so of course I’m wary talking with him. He’s good at grilling for info while also being guarded, so talking with him about the vote worries me. If I say the wrong thing I feel like he could turn the votes against me. I thought this vote would be easy but Drew telling me that him and the red team aren’t close worries me because I know that they’re in an alliance. Drew is still really cool & nice but paranoia is a bitch !!!

I did the math, because I’m a nerd, and Zach needed a score of 16 minutes in order to tie. Honestly not the dudes fault ,,, we woulda lost anyway even if he did well. Just thought I’d say that

I'm really glad our tribe won. We ended up bonding a lot over a long discussion in the tribe chat, and I want to build with that with the people who I had most in common with, like sammy. I feel I need to socialize more because no one really approached me in a bit. I know we aren't a tribal but I feel like I should be approached anyway.

FINALLY I'm headed to tribal! I really need to go to at least one tribal pre-merge just so I can see where the heads are at and how people act under pressure. So far I've learned that Zach is the most Rat Boy person I've ever met. ZACH, I TOLD YOU AFTER KALOKAIRI THAT YOU NEED TO LEARN TO TONE IT DOWN. TONE IT DOWN. Dylan R too, to be honest. They're both just WAY TOO STRATEGIC. Like learn some subtlety, kiddos. Dylan R literally said 'we really need to get out Bodhi' to me and Zach asked 'Why doesn't Bodhi like you?' unprompted and is also roasting Drew every .4 seconds. I mean yes it's refreshing since I'm so used to playing with crusted over community people like.....myself. But also, I'm tired. I don't want to play the game as a rat herder, trying to stop Rat Zach and Rat Drew from biting each other's heads off. (If you're reading this post-season, just know I view you all as very strong players, and I bestow the title of rat lovingly, as I myself am 100% a rat). On the plus side, there are LOTS of juicy meat shields in this game. As annoying as it's going to be to deal with the inevitable Zach vs. Drew ego war, at least I know their conflict is going to keep me out of the spotlight hopefully long enough to make late merge. I need to stay as UTR as possible as long as possible, and this cast might make that easy for me. I'm just thankful I have JG. He's one of my best friends, and I know we can trust each other going forward.

Oh god I went so hard my last game and now this game i’ve Idol searched once and confessed once lmao. Ummm...not a very interesting game so far. No one’s flipped. No ine’s Been shady. Very clean cut. I’m playing with some Kalokairi peeps so that’s fun and fresh, but other than that there hasn’t been much. That’s probably why I haven’t confessed at all 😂.

I thought that this vote was gonna be easy but talk of an idol has sent people into a frenzy. Personally, if an idol gets played it won’t be the end of the world for me so I’m not... too scared ? Inb4 I get blindsided but it should be either bodhi or nick going.

Welp, the vote has flipped to Nick. Usually that would make me scramble to get it back where I want it, but this game I'm not strongarming any players, and I'm going with the "anyone but me" strategy. So whatever! If everyone can unanimously vote against an inactive player, that works.

This might be me being cocky. But I can not believe that 12 minutes was actually the fastest time. I am happy that I am not going to Tribal council. And I'd like to keep it that way as long as possible, but still... 12 minutes? Mhm.. Maybe the other tribe threw on purpose to get certain players out... who knows!

Welp I really wanted Nick gone because of that score, sorry bud but it is about tribe strength but everyone was saying let's vote Bodhi. Being/feeling on the bottom even though I have some relationships with people like Dylan, Drew, and Jay , I still did not feel secure in my position in this game. During the afternoon, I realized it was extremely stupid to target and get rid of Bodhi who would most likely be loyal to me and have my back over some of these other folks. So I talked to Jay and planted the seeds of actually voting out Nick instead of Bodhi. I went to Bodhi saying that we could potentially flip this and told him who needed to talk and and who to target to save himself which was obviously Nick. I wanted Nick out the moment those results came out and if he goes home, I will take claim to this for pulling this off, this will potentially really keep Bodhi as a number for myself and not rock too many boats.

wow shook i didn’t do the worst at the word search....why do all of my friends gotta be in the game w me. Potentially I would like to work with Johnny and Roxy even tho I know a lot of times ppl target roxy for being crazy and I don’t know who i can trust yet. I like crow as well. My predictions for tonight is that bodhi might go home because he really wasn’t active on our old tribe but only time will tellllll

#outwitoutplayoutrunthewitchking

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bigbrotherorre · 6 years

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episode one: “TODAY WE LEARNED UNLESS BRYCE FEELS LIKE THE PRETTIEST GIRL AT THE DANCE EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY, YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH” - AUTUMN hoh: BRYCE evicted: ROXY - 13 to 3

Okay WOOOO. So hey, I'm here doing a DR pre-season, because? I am cracked, a mess and SOOO EXCITED. Also, I looked up fun words, to find something to use as my confessional codeword, and "brouhaha" means "a noisy and overexcited reaction or response to something" WHICH IS SO APPROPRIATE. So woo, enjoy the brouhaha that is my excitement for this season. I just wanna say a couple of things: 1) Nicholas and Julia posting those clock gifs is gonna make my head fall off, thats so scary. If it means past season twists like someone said in the VL, I'm NERVY. RoseGold POVs are my biggest fear, and I know there was a season where prejury was all about them so YIKES. Calling it now, I'm gonna get sent home by a rosegold PoV. 2) Emily and Lukas was such an iconic F2, no matter whomst the F2 is in Orre, we will never match them 3) I wanna make some pre-season picks of who I expect to see cast, that way if they win, I can take total credit. I'm feeling like Raffy, Sammy and Aren might be in the cast, based on literally nothing khajsdfla. Raffy as a player terrifies me (I was also the person who brought him into this community so whew), but he gets CRACKED so whew! Aren is a scorpio so we stan. ANYWHO. I'm so excited for this season, its gonna be a HOOOOOT.

Wooh so ready for the season to start!!!

Hola, did you miss me? This is going to be me reflecting back on my Johto experience and trying to point out the mistakes I made, and how this game will be different. (this is before cast reveal) The first mistake I did in Johto was go against the premade. I was wary of Connor and Ari, and I thought painting the target on the returnee wouldnt only be easy but would be successful. And then I found out that I couldn't, and then Connor made friends with everybody on my team and fucked me over in the long run. The second mistake I did in Johto was being messy. A prime example was making pseudo "alliance" chats in order to sway the vote for people to keep me. This proved to be unsuccessful. I also had a mental breakdown like every night, so that just buried me more. The third mistake I did in Johto was throw the veto the week I was nominated. I felt like I couldve won it but I decided to study for my test. I didnt compete in the pov that i shouldve won. SO now its time to do what I need to do for my redemption is quite simple. The last 3 ORGs ive played for BB i have made 2nd, 4th, and 3rd. And I learned quite a lot To negate my first mistake I'm not going to publicly target anbody. I will join the mob mentality to ensure my safety in early weeks. To negate my second mistake I am going to keep all my alliances as 1on1s. No alliances bigger than 3 people, and make sure to keep whatever information I have to myself. I will not snake out any information. To negate my third mistake is to try in all competitions. I will not throw anything I will not submit for anything unless I really cant. If I give it my all and still leave I can't beat myself up that bad. I'm nervous, but I'm ready. These freaks aren't gonna know what hit them.

Okay one hour to premiere! The fact that I've made two DRs pre-season? thats wild. I am gonna give a go at predicting the cast, based on... borderline nothing, beyond paranoia: Veronica Constance Raffy Autumn Olivia Eddie Elmo Hals Sammy Aren Those are guesses I'm confident in, so I'm gonna stick to that! Lets see if I get anyone right ajlkdsfas

Okay this isn't as bad as i thought except i'm a hot ass mess and messaged a picture into the house chat and i'm about to DIE

wut in the FUCK is happening who the hell are these people theyre mental all of them. nice to see sammy and ali though i fucking love them but i am terrified of playing with ali i literally said to my host chat 3 hrs before the game started "please say its all newbies so im not playing with zeezo" AND SHES HERE WTF

omg this FREAKING CAST IS WILD and i'm not gonna lie i'm a little worried that i might fight over half of them before the second week is finished...

not gonna lie seeing ashvika and roxy made me wanna kill myself but also i'm totally dying at the sight of ZEEZO AND BRYCE <3 also THIS COMP FREAKING SUCKS i need to find a group of friends asap so i don't flop. i'm gonna try to bring together bryce, zeezo, sammy, kat, and maybe ricky.... either gonna be lit or bite me in the ass

Hi!!! Y'all casted way too many people but it's ok cause I really like everyone so far whew. Also I really will do my intro video I swear... first thing tomorrow lmao

THIS SHIT IS OVERWHELMING AF! SOOOO MANY FREAKIN PPL IM TALKIN TOO! I LIKE MOST OF THEM but som im like k. then like the call i do not want to join bc shit they cracked af! hopefully its not my undoing but i feel like my social is pretty strong atm. #BBgameEVER

i'm just happy that ashvika is willing to put our unnecessarily tragic rivalry behind us and play this game right this time around. hopefully we'll be able to keep up the "we hate each other" look in the house chat and such so we can actually WORK TOGETHER this time. obvi i love her, and i just want the backstabbing madness to stop. hopefully she really has put out past behind her bc i'm ready to move on. like we're both pretty, we need to stick together. also shook that i talked to blake the longest today in pms???? like???? okay??? bryce and i look like we're in this for the long haul, hopefully we aren't first and second boot!! bc i have a weird feeling imma be pre-jury for some reason dsgdf

Night 1 Thots: Short term goal? to be as pathetic as possible. Probaly shouldn't have told alivia so soon that I was johnchen from bbtc world as after watching her intro vid. the could come back to bite me. Ryan seems like someone who I can ride on his coat tails for a while to get my foot in this game. So short term I need to be as pathetic as possible and hope this julia/bryce/sammy thing from house of shade starts to erupt.

me at alivia

Really regretting making my code word tractor.. Not a fan. But um me and alivia talked for like 4 hours and we're both legends. We have a cute google sheet bet ur all jealous. Her and ashvika are gonna pretend that they hate each other but they dont actually!! How fun. Hope i dont slip and blow their covers JKDFHKSJD. Everyone seems to know everyone which is scary. When i first saw Jela and Julia were cast I was scared that theyd target me b/c we had a rough introduction, but honestly theyre legends. Idk why i told jela i was missing a left toe.. but i did and now idk what to do about that whole thing. Maybe ill say i got drunk and dont remember saying that but it isnt true.. IDK WHAT TO DO. But um yaa happy to see zeezo here too but scared ppl will think we're a duo but honestly I dont think ppl will. Um I should do a cast first impression thing wooh! Ricky: Played my first tumblr game with him but dont really know him. Seemed nice but not much there Randy: seems like a legend. Poc king. Um talked to him and he wanted to know more about me but wouldnt talk about himself so!! Idk hope we talk more seems fun. Julia: Um called me out. Called me fat. Fun tho!! Seems untrustworthy but no bad blood. Roxy: Talked a bit, um shes fun?? Dont think she likes me Ashvika: how can one girl be so pretty??? Shes smart too. Like i want to hate how perfect she is. The type of girl to throw my game away for tho so I need to make sure I dont!! Alivia: how can one girl be so pretty??? Shes smart too. Like i want to hate how perfect she is. The type of girl to throw my game away for tho so I need to make sure I dont!! Honestly want to go to the end with her tho so I just am gonna have to make sure I outplay her so we can be f2. Bryce: ugly cast pic. Is he even a poc??? Zeezo: THE LOML I LOVE HER SO MUCH. we both seem to be working together so im happy. Hope to work with her and have her carry me in comps. She will beat lachies record. #menareover Kat: wish she was jade ;(. JK!! Love her so much already. She is so nice and fun and like just seems like a great person. Honestly shes gonna mist me too. Jose: Epicmafia king. We never work together and always betray each other so... first chance for everything??? He seems fun tho love him hope he slays (less than me tho) Sammy: I literally love him hes so nice but i never pm him so thats awk KDSJFHDKSj hope that this game changes that!! Lynn: Legend. Loves hufflepuff, hates middle school. Like I think we click but i know her and blake are like super close so idk if shed ever be closer with me but i hope so b/c shes just like.. amazing!! Saxon: Talks a lot. About himself. Maybe itll change when i talk to him more. Likes super hero movies so wooh i guess. Jela: Thought she hated me but maybe now she doesnt. Shes really funny actually so hopefully we can be allies. Blake: know that hes super smart and good at the game but like he got rekt by queen tara so maybe ill do that to him. We talked but it was bland but guess ill push through it Dennis: So his name is annoying to spell so had to change that quick. Kind of hate him??? But hes fun!!! Didnt know carly rae jepsen made music still so like the stan in me wanted to hang up the call on him. BUT then he msged me asking for carly songs to listen to so like.. love him now. Cant believe he knew all the social game hed need with me was just pretending to like my queen Autumn: We talked about her past games and it was basically me fangirlling about her ENDING eddie LOL. think we can work together because we both like intersectional feminism John: Tried talking to him but didnt go anywhere. But im gonna make it work!! Ive decided we'll be close so wooh Olivia: took 2 hours to respond to me. like musicals tho. kept ignoring me tho. Alivia outsold. Ali: PURE KING. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. NO ONE IS BETTER. I COULD NEVER TURN AGAINST HIM. SO IM GONNA NEED OTHERS TO DO IT FOR ME. Love his dog even tho i misgendered her but it wont happen again. Think we'll be close. reptiles stick together!!

WHEWIE. Okay I tried filming a video confessional, but my thoughts are such a mess, so I've decided writing it out will be considerably more coherent. YIKES SO. This season is already so wild, like this cast.... is gonna be a lot. I already can tell this season is going to have lots of fights and I don't know... how ready I am for that eeeek. But otherwise, my illiteracy means I don't understand the lottery twist so I love that. The returnee twist is fun though, like I feel like at the start of games, I go into panic mode, so having returnees I can go to about that, might make them feel like I'm an easy number and that they want to work with me? The people I knew before this season (like I'd actually spoken to): Bryce, Julia, Ashvika, Autumn & Olivia (I loosely knew Ricky, Blake & Sammy too) Within the game itself, the people I've had the best conversations with are Jose, Kat, Olivia, Ashvika & John. Olivia is like one of my favourite people in the community, and also a super good player so I'd love to work with her. I also think the fact that we are friends is something nobody in the cast should know (I think) so thats fun. Jose was such a big threat/player last season, and the vibe I get from him this time is he wants to tone that down? I'm not good at working with super cracked people, so him being slightly in the middle between UTR and cracked, will make him a super good person to work with I think. He is also the only person I've like...talked game with, even though its super limited, just that I wanna work with him. I'm a weirdo and watched all the Alola cast assessment stuff, and it sounds like Kat was playing really well, but got stuck in a funky position and couldn't recover, so I think she is gonna be a major threat this time and I'd love to work with her too woooo. Ashvika is a queen. Just plain and simple. She is so wholesome and nice, and already seems loosely on the same page as me, so thats iconic. John scares me ajkhsdfaslf. i think he is a total newbie, and I also think he is gonna get super cracked, and thats.... scary asdkjflas Dennis I just started talking to properly, he is in my timezone-ish, so that will be good for my sleeping pattern if he ever wins HoH or anything, but I worry he may struggle to make connections, so I'm not sure how much he can help me as an ally? The others I'm gonna try and do more rapid fire, since this confessional is already massive hjkasdflsaf: Alivia: Really really nice! We haven't spoken all that much, but she seems super friendly and she was really loyal in Unova, which makes me feel good about maybe working with her? Also Ali in the name? we love legends Ricky: Ricky is.... an interesting one ljaksdfla. He is a fun personality to have around, so I hope he sticks around. I'm not sure how invested he will be in any of these games, but I hope he gives it a good go woo Randy: Randy is gonna be such a threat already I can tell sahkjfdla Also he lowkey scares me, because whenever I would start pm'ing people on call yesterday, he would run to my pms asking why I wasnt pm'ing him which freaked me out sjkadflas. He seems fun though, and Dom stans him so we stan Julia (The Witch): An icon. A legend. An inspiration. Also terrifying skjahdfla. She mentioned all stars on call yesterday and my heart stopped, because I hated how I was in that game and dont want it talked about. I think she is gonna fight people and I don't especially want to get on her bad side! Roxy: Havent spoken to her much, it might be tricky talking to her, since we are both in weird timezones, we will see Bryce: A SWEETHEART. I love Bryce soo much. We worked together in a mini once, and it was super fun, so I'd love to work with him more. Zeezo: She seems super nice! I don't really know her, beyond that she is POVzo and probably a comp threat, but I think she will be fun. I know her and Bryce are friends so we will see where that goes jahdfka Sammy: Super nice! I loosely know him, but he seems like he will be good fun. I havent spoken to him much, so I hope he is gonna be active rip Lynn: I know of her from Moheli, and I know her and Blake were ride or dies which I am wary off.... Otherwise, she has been super quiet and I could see her.... potentially going early rip a queen Saxon: FUDGE. I havent spoken to him at all which is scary, since I feel like he probably already knows a lot of this cast, so if he wins RIP me I guess. Otherwise, he seems like a fun personality so wooo Jelaminah: Ummm. She is wild. Like really wild. I think I stan her, but I also am like.... concious that she is a lot, and its sometimes too much for me. I'm a bit annoyed by her tbh, but its just because she was like laughing at people's sexualities, as if she didnt believe them, and thats super ugly, but I couldn't exactly say anything to her. I think she is gonna be a super dominant personality, but whew we will see. Blake: I know he was a big player in Moheli, but I think he also rubbed people the wrong way.... We will see how he does, he seems iconic Autumn: A QUEEN. She is the most inactive so far which is worrying. I don't want her to go early. I could really see her going up this week, but maybe us two havent talked much, since she is just comfortable in our relationship? AND WHEW. Thats everything, if anyone read this, I love you for that. Otherwise, wooo I'm super nervous, I love my DR guests Owen and Emily and eek. We will see!

ahhh okay so, I’m super excited about meeting new people....BUT...this cast is so huge and I’m so nervous. I like everyone for the most part and I’ve been trying to like talk to some people I’ve played with in the past to maybe smoothe over some bad relationships? The only person I’m still like nervous about is Julia because she kills the straight men and she hates Gemini’s. AND WHAT AM I? A STRAIGHT MALE GEMINI. I don’t think she’s very good at comps tho and I know she would go for Bryce before me. Anyway I seriously love Kat because she is so genuine and I just want to work with her. Also I want to work with alivia, roxy, zeezo, Olivia, randy, Jela, ricky, and autumn! There’s a few others as well but I’ll prob do like a video DR and talk about how I feel about everyone...who knows.

Jose is officially my showmance and we stan asjdkfaslf. He is so nice and my favourite new person I've met in the cast anyway, and he won lots of comps last season so I'm ready for him to drag me to the end dlakjfasfa.

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bryce better not fucking put me up or i'm gonna SHOOT

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wow so happy bryce is HoH!!!! perfect week one :$

I am actually really happy that bryce won this HOH bc that means my ass hole is safe! PRaise BE. MY showmance that was made by ALIVIA has saved my ass and partly to me sorta already knowing him through tara! BITHCH TARA LOLOVE UR ASSSS. ANd shoot idk what these gays are lookin at but ppl be sayin they think im cute. maybe its like when i look at a potato or like a waffle fry?? who knows ahaha but like some of these boys be good lookin like damn. hit me and my crocs up boys ;P

I am not a bottom. ya dumb bitch

Bryce is nomming me for not playing in the hoh. Gurl gurl im not a newb who would buy up that excuse

Just say we arent alligned and im good with the other players and id belive you why would i buy that you, a player whose played a few games by now, would nom someone for abstainimg

Okay SO. I filmed a video confessional earlier, but its already super out of date so its time for an update! I have spoken to lots of people that I hadn't talked to since premiere night which is good, Alivia & Kat are so nice! Jose is, as always a king, and I think (other than Olivia) he is my closest ally rn, so woo we stan. Otherwise, I spoke to Bryce, and it seems like (praise be), I'm not getting nominated, WOO! He says he is nominating Roxy/Autumn, with Julia getting the future shock thingie. Like I told him, the future shock is kind of like a curse and we know Julia loves a good curse, so its a good matchup aljdfkas. Otherwise, these nominations make sense. I LOVE Autumn, but she has been the quietest person in the cast, so I assume she is gonna go first rip. Roxy I have spoken to a fair bit, but I know she is in a funky timezone, which probably throws off her ability to be active. Bryce seemed like he was being pretty open with me, so I hope I'm not the backup plan if somebody comes off. I feel like my social game is pretty strong so I wouldnt have thought people in the house would push for me as a renom and eI'd be suprised if I get nominated! Last but not least, the unfortunate thing is how MENINIST these nominations are akjsdfla, we are really putting the orre in discriminatorrey.

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First DR of the game. I'm not going to do first impressions because I'm not that dry. The game started when I was put in this bitch, so I'm here to go at full force. I'm going to play a strong balance of a great 1 on 1 social game while still being a great personality people love. As of right now I'm being constantly dragged and roasted, and I wouldn't want it any other way. (But this is before HOH so the claws are bound to come over) So my game has been very social as of right now. Before HoH I focused on making genuine connections. I'm good with all the returnees at this point. None of them have beef with me, and I made it clear that I want to work with all of them (while this is farther from the truth). I'm just being diplomatic because there's some tension between the returnees that will have to be released soon. With the returnees I connected automatically with Zeezo. Me and her didnt even small talk its was just game talk from moment one. Thats a great relationship to have, and I'm definitely maintaining it. Jose and Alivia have been talking to me more. Jose has been more open with working with me than Alivia so : \\. All the returnees from Kanto-Sinnoh are here because theyre entertaining, the bitches from Unova-Alola would be casted for redemption but don't meet the criteria. I made an alliance with Jelaminah and Ricky. This is mostly because I need to be on Jelaminah's good side because I know the bitch knows how to play. So i would rather be scheming with her than against her. Ricky is just a number. On housecalls I saw that Jela was talking to Julia a lot. So I started talking to Julia a lot more. I surprisingly trust her a lot more than I thought I would. So me and her aren't beefing, but her and Bryce are. HOS20 affects this game because Julia and Saxon are aligned in this game and they're against Bryce and Sammy as of right now. I know Julia can drop a vendetta, but Saxon is just horrible about it. And I hate Saxon so much. He just gives me second hand embarassment and i dont know why. Like I'm so happy I've trained myself to hold my tongue because the shit he wears on housecalls actually make me laugh. He posted a picture of him shirtless and it was literally looking at rotten spam meat. Its not cute, and he is just so prude in pms because he obviously doesnt want to talk to me. I can make a separate DR about Saxon because he brings out all the hate and all the angst I had when I was in Johto. But going back to the topic Julia fought Sammy and Bryce ig and Saxon thinks Julia is right because he's a kissass and is a savvy feminist. I love Julia so her having beef isnt good. I talked to her and she said she didnt have good relations with Olivia, Bryce, Sammy, and Autumn. And i was shocked that this game is so against her, but this is great information because its something I can utilize. But those are her problems, and they dont affect me. If she wants to play with me she's gonna have to fix amends or take them out 1 by 1First DR of the game. I'm not going to do first impressions because I'm not that dry. The game started when I was put in this bitch, so I'm here to go at full force. I'm going to play a strong balance of a great 1 on 1 social game while still being a great personality people love. As of right now I'm being constantly dragged and roasted, and I wouldn't want it any other way. (But this is before HOH so the claws are bound to come over) So my game has been very social as of right now. Before HoH I focused on making genuine connections. I'm good with all the returnees at this point. None of them have beef with me, and I made it clear that I want to work with all of them (while this is farther from the truth). I'm just being diplomatic because there's some tension between the returnees that will have to be released soon. With the returnees I connected automatically with Zeezo. Me and her didnt even small talk its was just game talk from moment one. Thats a great relationship to have, and I'm definitely maintaining it. Jose and Alivia have been talking to me more. Jose has been more open with working with me than Alivia so : \\. All the returnees from Kanto-Sinnoh are here because theyre entertaining, the bitches from Unova-Alola would be casted for redemption but don't meet the criteria. I made an alliance with Jelaminah and Ricky. This is mostly because I need to be on Jelaminah's good side because I know the bitch knows how to play. So i would rather be scheming with her than against her. Ricky is just a number. On housecalls I saw that Jela was talking to Julia a lot. So I started talking to Julia a lot more. I surprisingly trust her a lot more than I thought I would. So me and her aren't beefing, but her and Bryce are. HOS20 affects this game because Julia and Saxon are aligned in this game and they're against Bryce and Sammy as of right now. I know Julia can drop a vendetta, but Saxon is just horrible about it. And I hate Saxon so much. He just gives me second hand embarassment and i dont know why. Like I'm so happy I've trained myself to hold my tongue because the shit he wears on housecalls actually make me laugh. He posted a picture of him shirtless and it was literally like looking at rotten spam meat. Its not cute, and he is just so prude in pms because he obviously doesnt want to talk to me. I can make a separate DR about Saxon because he brings out all the hate and all the angst I had when I was in Johto. But going back to the topic Julia fought Sammy and Bryce ig and Saxon thinks Julia is right because he's a kissass and is a savvy feminist. I love Julia so her having beef isnt good. I talked to her and she said she didnt have good relations with Olivia, Bryce, Sammy, and Autumn. And i was shocked that this game is so against her, but this is great information because its something I can utilize. But those are her problems, and they dont affect me. If she wants to play with me she's gonna have to fix amends or take them out 1 by 1. Until then I'm going to spend my time with investments that are bound to pay off. Which are with the newbies. I've been spending a lot of time on Blake because Blake lives 20 minutes away from me. I'm trying to hold this down as secret as possible. He likes me, and I want to work with him so I'm just going to continue our friendship and ensure that we're a duo. He doesn't talk a lot in the housechat which is concerning to me, but he does hold very strong one on one relations with most of the house. Lynn is also a south carolina native, and she is just so infectious. She is very intimidated by the large cast meaning that she hasnt bonded that well with a lot of people. So i put two and two together and made a South Carolina alliance. I know Blake is genuine about it. But the main purpose of this alliance is to keep Lynn under my sphere of influence. I can't have no newbies on my side. No ma'am Another newbie who stands out for me is John. John is just really active, and such a social threat. Meaning that his word has saying. So far my relationship with him has been "hey let literally help you with anything and expect nothing in return". With him im trying to show myself as a puppet, or somebody who is very very useful with him. And I actually showed that this week when Bryce won HOH. Won't lie I didnt want but also wanted HOH at the same time. When Bryce won it I was very wary of what was going to happen. Then John comes up to me saying that Bryce is thinking of nominating him. And since I had a decent bond with Bryce I know that I had to save John. So when Bryce talked to me he was dead set as Roxy as the initial nom and target, and Julia for safety this week. Then he mentioned that he was on the fence because he didnt know if he wanted Autumn or John nominated. So I told him the truth that it would be silly to nominate somebody as active as John. And so John wasn't nominated. I stuck my neck out for John and was one of the reasons he isn't nominated this week. And these game things build genuine trust since I'm not just talking to talk. I'm walking to walk and this game isn't ready for Randyy.

Hello ladies and gentlemen you're looking at the first nominee of the season waysup

Imma get to the bottom of this so ain't even worried. I just feel bad y'all didn't even get one happy confessional from me. We just jumped straight into poppin off. That's ok though! Nice for what am i rite

Bryce is full of shit and I'm embarrassed for him. Like who makes an enemy out of me on Day fucking 3? Really my guy? That's the first thing you thought of when you had 19 people to pick from? Apparently I'm getting nominated because the other 18 people in the cast talked to Bryce yesterday and I didn't. Not only do I not buy that, but we just not gonna acknowledge the fact that I talked to him on 2 of the 3 days the game has been going on so far? K cool. Today we learned unless Bryce feels like the prettiest girl at the dance every minute of every day, you're not doing enough Also can we talk about how the "I'm so happy to play with you I always root for you" energy that Bryce was selling to me on day one didn't even last a round? Hiigghkey I feel like the people who know me in the cast are secretly happy cause they know I'm petty enough to take Bryce out and I'll have no problem taking the fall for it. Ali, Ashvika, Sammy, Julia, Olivia- they know I don't play that shit. Can you imagine being first HOH, using it on me, and then thinking I'm not mad at you because I "understand" that nominating me was "the easiest thing to do"?

SHIT YOUR BOI JUST DID THAT TONIGHT! IF U KNOW YOU KNOW. 😜😂

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CLICK HERE TO SEE ALI’S VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

woo I'm on call with Autumn, Sammy, Jela & Dennis. THEY ARE SO FUN. I am back on the Jela stan train, she is actually super nice! I think I want Autumn to stay this week (and I think she could too)! Roxy is super sweet, but Autumn is a queen and the queen stays queen! Oh, I'm not using the veto too, its way too early to make a move and I don't know who would go up instead. I'm still SHRIEKING that I won that veto somehow kjlasdfa

CLICK HERE TO SEE RANDY’S VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

[5/9/18, 2:45:32 PM] Blake Sanders: do you want money?? [5/9/18, 2:45:41 PM] Blake Sanders: BC THE MONEY WANTS YOU! [5/9/18, 2:45:43 PM] alivia: do you wanna be rich??? [5/9/18, 2:45:53 PM] Blake Sanders: ^^^^^^ RICH [5/9/18, 2:45:58 PM] Blake Sanders: not just driving nice car rich [5/9/18, 2:46:07 PM] Blake Sanders: I mean using cheeta fur as toilet paper rich! [5/9/18, 2:46:15 PM] alivia: 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 [5/9/18, 2:48:20 PM] alivia: YOUVE BEEN HAND SELECTED [5/9/18, 2:48:31 PM] alivia: BECAUSE WE THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES [5/9/18, 3:07:19 PM] rixxy 🦄: Hi I just got off work [5/9/18, 3:07:23 PM] rixxy 🦄: what the FUCK is this? [5/9/18, 3:07:33 PM] alivia: DO YOU WANT MONEY??? [5/9/18, 3:07:52 PM] rixxy 🦄: i'm scared but absolutely [5/9/18, 3:07:58 PM] Blake Sanders: FUCK YA! [5/9/18, 3:07:58 PM] alivia: WE WANT YOUR HELP SCAMMING THIS HOUSE! [5/9/18, 3:08:09 PM] alivia: it’s good to be a little scared [5/9/18, 3:08:12 PM] rixxy 🦄: I definitely don't like where this is going. [5/9/18, 3:08:12 PM] Blake Sanders: MONEY WERE GOIN TO RULE THIS AND MAKE MONEY [5/9/18, 3:08:26 PM] Blake Sanders: BUT U WILL RIXXY [5/9/18, 3:08:31 PM] rixxy 🦄: god [5/9/18, 3:08:34 PM] Blake Sanders: <3 [5/9/18, 3:09:00 PM] lynnt: yes [5/9/18, 3:09:53 PM] alivia: you’re gonna be rich so you gotta live rich [5/9/18, 3:11:57 PM] Blake Sanders: There’s like a joining fee [5/9/18, 3:12:01 PM] alivia: yep [5/9/18, 3:12:09 PM] alivia: like scientology [5/9/18, 3:12:21 PM] alivia: but like this is real [5/9/18, 3:12:56 PM] rixxy 🦄: i'm not paying for this [5/9/18, 3:13:01 PM] rixxy 🦄: is this like a legit game thing? [5/9/18, 3:13:03 PM] rixxy 🦄: bc [5/9/18, 3:13:07 PM] lynnt: then imma opt out b/c this rich bitch is cheap and that’s why i’m rich [5/9/18, 3:13:55 PM] Blake Sanders: I mean we legit love u guys [5/9/18, 3:14:07 PM] rixxy 🦄: is this an alliance [5/9/18, 3:14:12 PM] rixxy 🦄: bc i'm uncomfortable and confused [5/9/18, 3:14:35 PM] alivia: woah woah woah [5/9/18, 3:14:41 PM] alivia: everyone calm down [5/9/18, 3:15:09 PM] alivia: don’t worry about the money. you can pay the joining fee AFTER we’re rich [5/9/18, 3:15:15 PM] alivia: don’t worry [5/9/18, 3:15:16 PM] rixxy 🦄: like i'm actually having an anxiety attack can you RATMEME.PNG literally..... WHAT???? blake and i were talking and started joking about being scammers bc sdfkal and then i was like "we should start a scammer alliance" and that's how it all started. we thought it would be SO funny if we just added them to a chat and started trolling them about scamming houseguests out of their money dljgdkfjg and i thought MAYBE lynn and ricky would be confused at first but ricky literally lost his mind like ooops my bad WE THOUGHT WE WERE FUNNY BUT I GAS NOT. [5/9/18, 3:16:08 PM] alivia: it’s a joke but kind of an alliance [5/9/18, 3:16:21 PM] alivia: but mostly a joke [5/9/18, 3:16:44 PM] rixxy 🦄: i literally thought i got dragged into some kind of game twist and i wouldn't play my own game god [5/9/18, 3:17:08 PM] alivia: omg WHAT [5/9/18, 3:17:19 PM] alivia: LITERALLY THE BIGGEST JOKE NOT SERIOUS [5/9/18, 3:17:25 PM] alivia: IMSORFY [5/9/18, 3:17:28 PM] rixxy 🦄: like i thought it was some saboteur/team america bullshit [5/9/18, 3:17:35 PM] alivia: omg noooo [5/9/18, 3:17:42 PM] rixxy 🦄: all i want to do is play the game and i literally thought that was snatched from me [5/9/18, 3:17:50 PM] alivia: HOW??? [5/9/18, 3:18:17 PM] rixxy 🦄: idk i thought y'all were a twist sdksksksksks sdfjsdl wow fuck me i gas??? my social game is really off to a great start!!! gotta get ricky outta here asap now

Right now i am on CAll with SAMMY SAM bc im bad at talking to multiple people at a time! SOOOOOO SAMMY is like wanting to be ym ally but like do i trust his ass??

CLICK HERE TO SEE JOSE’S VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

okayyyyy so this is definitely something different like bb is hard tbh. there's too many people to talk to and i just really don't care about continuing to keep up a convo with some of them but you have to or bye bye. i have definitely not been as social as most and that is def scary but the people that i have talked to and made connections are super nice. so that's why i was so glad when the people that won HOH and POV are people i talked to. uuhHHuh i have no fucking clue who i want to evict tonight so that's fun! ya know autumn is super nice and chill but she did go dark for a while and roxy is super fun and i still haven't heard ANY singing and i want to and she is campaigning really hard so she really wants to stay BUT since she's campaigning so hard to stay and kinda saying anything to EVERYONE who knows what she'll do to stay in the game later on. idk is it too early to be thinking about later in the game?? idkkk thanks for coming to my rambling ted talk. find out next time on if i've decided.

CLICK HERE TO SEE DENNIS’ VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

OK SOOOO the eviction is coming up tonight and its either going to be Autumn or Roxy! NOw autumn is a super sweet queen but i feel like she will kill me if need be! but i still lvoe her! now roxy she is fighting for her life like she is making me promises i think she will not be able to keep. bc ive heard form other hosue guests she is making the same promises to them. NOW i love talkin to her about food and cooking but i feel awful that im most likely going to evict her! but o well it has to be done im glad its not me

i feel like i should give like a summary of like where i am with everyone and how i feel about them all before the first eviction! ALI: Well i first knew him because he reached out to me about a game he is gonna host. He like doesn't talk to me much which makes me nervous... I like him a lot but looks like we are just acquaintances atm. ALIVIA: OK I FREAKIN LOVE HER! SHE IS HILARIOUS! WE STARTED A ALLIANCE CHAT CALLED SCAMMERS R' US AND RICKY LEGIT FREAKED THE FUCK OUT AND WE WERE ALL LIKE WTF JUST HAPPENED HE IS INSANE! i hope i get to work with her a lot during this game and talk about ice cream! But i do see her stabbing me in the back later on so ill prob strike first. LOVE YA ASHVIKA: now this girl is a goddess she is beauty and she is grace! we talk like avg and stuff we have small chats nothing about gamewise. I see her as not being a threat as in targeting people or winning HOH i see her as a social threat. I think she will go far but not win she will def be jury. I think she is amazing tho and shes a model soo like i want to be her. AUTUMN: Now Autumn is a delight to be around so sweet and seems so pure but she will kill me i just know it. She's the beautiful flower in the garden that turns into a man eating plant <3 she is temptation and i may fall for it BLAKE: ive been told i was a certified good boy BRYCE: Now i knew him b4 this game bc of my friend TARA LOVE YOU BITCH <3 ! i think he will keep me around but idk if our bond is tight enough. i dont think he will choose to evict me yet. but other thsn that i want to work on having a closer bond with him for sure! DENNIS: I like dennis he just iidk theres not alot to say? me adn him talk about video games and stuff but whenever i talk to him i like forget like why im talkin to him lol! but he is super chill! JELAMINAH: THIS WOMAN <3 IS AMAZINGLY FUNNYY! SHE IS ONE PERSONALITY I WANT TO GET ON MY SIDE~! she is hilarious amd an amazing person i want to work with her sooo bad! i talk to her in oms sometimes but she is more of a on call person i believe or she just doesn't wanna talk to me ahah . O AND JELA I TAKE BACK TO WHO I THINK THE CUTEST BOY HERE IS ! JOHN : I love john! me and him talk trash about random things and it is hilarious! i hope he feels as close to me as i am to him! i feel like we can work together in the long run. JOSE: Ive only talked to Jose just a little bit so im worried if he ever wins HOH bc i may be nominated! so i better get my ass into high gear and talk to him more. other than that i remebr him as the guy who someone hit his fence with a car. JULIA: NOW i have heard things about this girl! like that she is ana amzing player and i better watch out for her! IM SO SORRY JULIA BUT U R ON MY HITLIST! AND SADLY U NEVER U LEFT ME ON READ IN MY PMS RUDE~! KAT:I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT KAT BUT WE JUST STARTED TALKING TODAY AND WE HELPED names each others plants! she is a precious person and i love her! she is so funny! i want to work with her for this game! LYNN: YALL THIS IS MY BITCH ! I LOVE YOU LYNN WE PLAYED IN MOHELI TOGETHER AND AFTER THAT IT WAS HISTORY WE BECAME BEST FRIENDS VISITING EACH OTHER AND STUFF! SHE ONLY LIED 2 HOURS FROM ME WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL I SAW HER ALL THE TIME! I AM MOST DEF WORKING WITH HER! SHE IS MY BESTFRIEND! <3 LOVE U OLIVIA: OK WELL IDK MUCH bout her. ummmm i talked to her a little im ttrying to become her ally but its not really workign she wont talk to meee!! RANDY: omg i have not heard good things about him.... i shouldve been told these things sooner omg! i feel like he hates me he might! we live in the same city and live like 15 mins away! omg rip rip rip . he goes to my old highdchool! thats crazy af! im working wiht him rn but i i think im going to nom him in the middle of the game or try to get him out around then. sorry randy! also hes been giving me the cold shoulder and not talkin to me which is rude. adnwe r in an alliance chat bro. come on really... RICKY: TBh u annoy me. everything i like u say its dumb or u don't like it. i say goodmorning/afternoon to u adn u say its morning its not even close to afternoon whatre u doing. AND IM LIKE WTF HAV U NEVER HEARD OF TIMEZONES! LIKE HELLLLLO! damn just we are not compatible people and well if i ever win HOH ill prob nom him. ROXY: DAMN BITCH I CAUGHT U IN A LIE AND U DONT KNOW ABOUT IT! THIS IS THE REAOSN IM VOTIN TO EVICT U IM SORRY OMG IM GOIN TO MISS TALKIN TO U ABOUT FOOD! ur sooo sweet omg and u hav a lovely voice! SAMMY: I have been told not to trust him bc he is a snake. But shit he is one of my closest allies now! like we talked for hours on call and watched survivor it was such a cute little date! GOD i hope he doesnt betray me ill cry so much! i mean he might but like i dont wanna back stab him.... yet <3 SAXON: who r u?? talked like never. ur probably nice?? ZEEZO: Girl u be freakin lynn out with eveyrhting u saying to and about her! soo idk like aht to do wiht u ahahah prob get u nominated?? SORRY IM A LOSER AND DIDNT MAKE A VID I LOOK LIKE A THUMB ATM <3

what bitch Randy, 3:05 PM hola 3:05 PM you never sent me a pm Randy, 3:05 PM ur coll bc you aint never talk about interesting shit 3:05 PM uh huh Randy, 3:05 PM tf am i supposed to reply to "yea" 3:06 PM sorry I'm not your source of entertainment you twink I was busy with my life Randy, 3:06 PM wow this is something we can TALK ABOUT Randy, 3:06 PM what did you do I kinda snapped sorry Randy

Are u gonnaget ur tattoo coloured? :0 or will it be lines? Rn im hungry waiting for ma burger heh 9:21 PM It’s just lines henny 👑, 9:23 PM Sweet! What inspires the one u chose? 👑, 6:35 AM Hey saxon! I wanted to wait to speak to you in person but im tired and sorta not feeling well so i cant stay up. I wouls love it id you vote me to stay!! I really enjoy this game and im a p loyal ally! Im active and have jackbox too xd. Ill try be up at least 2 hours bfr eviction if you wanna chat about the vote! 👑, 3:03 PM Morning 3:03 PM Hiya 👑, 3:03 PM Hows it going? 3:04 PM fine busy 👑, 3:04 PM Ripp with what m? 3:05 PM a 5 page paper 👑, 3:06 PM Ew Wtf 3:06 PM ye 👑, 3:06 PM Just quit school. Death sound sbetter than that Hshsbs 3:10 PM i omg 👑, 3:11 PM Lmfao Man now my eviction worries seem meaningless 3:14 PM Why is that? 👑, 3:15 PM :o cause your 5 page thing is gross :o have you started on it or still got a ways to go? 3:20 PM I still got a ways to go 👑, 3:20 PM yikes 👑, 3:20 PM how are you feeling about this week? like hame wise Roxy I think you're a lovely person but holy fuck can you just please shut up sometimes when you know someone is busy

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I'd say it was an effective campaign xoxo Summer Shrek

CAST ASSESSMENT

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#episode #bborre

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