#i wasnt allowed. im not allowed! i wish i felt it. i wish i knew what it felt like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cottoncandyswisherz · 18 hours

Text

everybodys type (pt. 2)

yall this is not edited all the way because i have shit going on but bookie is going through it so yuh

bf!matt x black!reader

warnings: dom!matt, oral (m and f receiving), p in v, overstimulation

---------------------------------------------------------

as she sat in the passenger seat y/n bobbed her head to the music playing on aux. her hand was placed on top of matts, which was wrapped tightly around her upper thigh.

never had she ever wanted to wear a skirt, but in this moment, wearing leather pants, she wish she'd been a skirt girly.

but she wasnt. so she settled for the tantalizing stroke of her thigh and returned it with a rub up his forearm.

then her song started playing.

as jaqueese's voice filled the car, she tried her hardest to wait until they got home because she knew that matt was a very attentive driver. but as soon as she heard,

giving you the best you ever had, babe, make me feel like you aint never had it.

she folded.

and when i say folded i mean literally.

she unbuckled her seatbelt, turned to face her man and folded over the center console in order to have the access she needed.

"y/n baby what are you doing..." matt asked, confused as to why she was so weirdly positioned.

she ignored him and began to kiss his neck. sucking on his pale skin, making her way to his jaw, grabbing his chin and turning him to leave a peck on his lips, then allowing him to return his focus to the empty road.

"bab-" matt was cut off by y/n guiding her hand down his chest, past his abdomen, finally reaching his lap.

she reached in his sweats and began to stroke him in the darkness.

"shit" matt jolted at the contact "y/n im so fucking serious. stop. im driving, we're gonna crash." but his words went in one ear and out the other.

she continued to stroke him, teasing her index finger over his tip. "baby just try to focus."

at this point matt knew she wasnt letting up. so he pulled into a rest stop and went all the way to back, where no other cars were, and allowed her to do her thing.

he was going to let her have her fun, because he knew when he had his, it would be worth the frustration he was feeling in that moment.

"go ahead baby. 'do your big one' as you say." he said, tugging his sweats past his knees and freeing his dick of his boxers.

she smiled and placed a kiss to his lips before leaning down and getting to work.

she wrapped her hand around his length at the base and began stroking him again, getting him fully hard. matt was enjoying the moment with his hands behind his head, tugging softly at his curls.

"stop playing and suck it." he grunted. "thats what you wanted right? my dick in your mouth?"

he hissed as he felt her take him in her mouth. his head fell back against the seat as she pulled up and spit, immediately going back down, with hollowed cheeks.

matt, being the supportive boyfriend he was continued to praise y/n, rubbing her back and keeping her hair out of her face, which sent flutters to her pussy.

y/n found a rhythm, bobbing her heard a even pace, making sure matt felt every second of it, which drove him crazy, but he was never a head pusher.

he was more of a head puller.

he grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her off him. "you done?" he asked, holding eye contact with his girlfriend who's lips were wet with spit.

she nodded meekly, closing her eyes. trying to get her breathing back to normal.

"use your words my love." he gripped her jaw, causing her to open her eyes and say, "yes, sir."

at that, he pulled her into a rough kiss, a contrast of tongue and teeth. he swallowed the moan that slipped out of her at the intensity of the situation.

"get in the back and strip." he told her as he released his hold on her.

as she followed his instructions, he pulled his boxers and sweats back up and pulled out his phone, playing his song.

brents voice surrounds him as he gets his head in the space it needed to be in for what had planned for his woman.

angel of the night i drown between your thighs im still here, aint no excuse, baby

getting out of the drivers seat and opening the back door on the drivers side, he was pleased to see that y/n had did what he said. she was bare, in nothing but her red panties, sitting up against the door, her closed legs pointing to him.

"open your legs."

she followed his directions, bending her legs, and opening them. normally she'd put up more of a fight, but matt seemed so... calm. so serious. like he wasn't even mad any more.

but y/n knew that wasn't the case. matt was a very serious driver. he did everything in his power to not put people in danger and she contradicted that tonight. so she knew whatever he was cooking in his head was gonna be really good for him and really bad for her.

"you always have had a patience problem sweetheart." he started, getting up on his knees and planting a kiss on her lips. "never willing to wait for the things you want." he kissed down her neck, focusing on that spot behind her ear that sent shivers down her spine. "sometimes it admirable." he continued kissing her neck, moving to the other side. "others its fucking annoying." he bit down on the hickey he just left.

"fuck" y/n hissed.

matt began kissing down her body, licking the valley between her breasts. "i think we need to do some character building." he kissed her left nipple. "what do you think?" the right one now. he looked up at her and saw her eyes were trained on him in the dark car.

he bit down on where he'd just kissed, "i asked you a question."

"yes" she sighed. "yes we can do whatever you want baby."

with that, he traveled the distance down to her pussy, which was covered in her ruined red silk panties. wrapping his arms around her plush thighs, gripped them and planted a trail of open-mouthed kissed to her core.

he licked a stripe along his girlfriends panties, earning a groan from her.

moving her panties to the side, he repeated his previous action on her bare slick folds before glaring up at y/n and saying " cum when you need to but i swear to god, if i hear you, the panties are going in your mouth." before placing an open-mouth kiss on her clit.

she bit her inner cheek, in order to prevent any sound from escaping but her hips buck, only to be slammed back down by his strong hand so he could continue the attack on her senses.

he kissed her core again, closing his eyes and diving in, as if he was terminally ill and her pussy was the only cure. sucking her clit, he buried two fingers into her, automatically using the speed of lightening mcqueen himself.

"oh my fuck.." y/n moaned out, completely forgetting about matts previous instructions. she was quickly reminded of them though, when he pulled his mouth off her, continuing the thrusting of his fingers.

"what the fuck did i just say?" he asked, curling his fingers into the spongy part of her and stuffing her underwear into her mouth. he went back to her pussy, sucking on her clit while using his tongue to trace patterns on the bud.

y/n was going insane. her eyes were screwed shut and her hands found refuge in his brunette locks. she felt that knot unravelling in her stomach.

just when she was about to cum, everything stopped. his fingers pulled out of her, his mouth was now in her line of sight as he stared down at her with a wicked smile on his face.

removing her panties from her mouth y/n asked, "w-what are you doing?"

"character building."

"wha-" y/n was cut off by matt thrusting into her at full force, knocking the air out of her lungs.

she felt nothing but pure bliss. matt was hitting every spot. every spot that drove her insane. every spot that nipped at her soul.

"you." stroke. "dont." stroke. "listen." matt grunted in her ear raising her leg so her thigh pushed her chest.

"matt im gonna-"

"don't you fucking dare." he demanded, grabbing her chin that had rolled to the side. he bore deep into her coffee-black eyes. "you're gonna hold it. because you're gonna learn patience. right baby?"

she responded with babble and breathless pants.

he gripped her chin tighter. "words, my love."

"please! fuck- please matt! i need it!"

"need what?"

"i n-need to cum. please baby i'll do anything."

"anything?"

"yes! fuck!" it was beginning to be too much for y/n. her vision was dotting and her fingers we're losing feeling. but every part of her body was set of fire when she felts matts warm mouth on her pussy.

"holy shit..." her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her body tightened.

"cum, y/n." matt said, plunging two fingers into her core.

with that simple command she let go.

y/n began to shake and pray to whatever god there was, thanking them for the gift that was matthew sturniolo.

matthew sturniolo who rode y/n through her high, and continued to give her multiple highs eventually bringing her to literal tears until all that was left of his beautiful, strong girlfriend was a twitching, drooling, babbling mess.

holding her brown legs in his inked arms, he rubbed her feet and asked "what did we learn?"

"patience." y/n hummed.

"good girl."

"i didnt know good girls were your type."

"oh baby..." matt kissed her pinky toe. "you're everybodys type."

niyah speaks💗 for my lilly bae

taglist: @mattslolita @summerssover @jnkvivi @sturnsslut

#chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #christopher sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo fanfic

68 notes · View notes

buried-in-autumn-leaves · 3 months

Text

I know logically I am not any less ill because I lack a diagnosis but god does it make me feel overdramatic 💀

#my mystery leg problems flared up at work and i felt like i was overreacting #but like my friend kept doing shit for me bc i was limping #and i knew i needed the help but i felt like i shouldve been able to do it myself #it wasnt even that much to do #idk #i just wish i could do more and not constantly worry about getting fired because im weaker #non fandom #chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #disabled #also idk if im allowed to call myself that LOWKEY IDKKK I THINK I AM BUT MY MOTHER ALWAYS GETS PISSED BC OF THE LACK OF DIAGNOSIS #but yk what i mean

36 notes · View notes

kutyaharapas · 2 months

Text

[reading shoujo manga] sighs dreamily. i wish i knew what romantic love felt like

#cruel joke to make a girl aromantic when she has done nothing but read romance novels and shoujos growing up #since like age 13. pondering and yearning to even feel a fraction of that #like i knew those werent a reality. but they had to be based off of something right #a tangible feeling. like the butterflies. the nervousness. all that #i wanted it more than anything but noooooooooo #i wasnt allowed. im not allowed! i wish i felt it. i wish i knew what it felt like #would have saved me a lot of grief and awkwardness #i will not know what it feels like. ever #ill just have to deal with everything feeling like a conscious decision #i love to love on purpose thats not what my issue is. i love that i can choose l #but. man #i wish it was natural #im gonna mourn the teenage love experience i felt like i deserved. that i felt like i was promised #it never came and now it never will

2 notes · View notes

simping4-2manyppl · 10 months

Note

OKAY

so i ADORE your writing and i wanted to request something🤭

georg x reader

like that tom post but with GEORGGGGG ml🫶🏽

the "flowers" post

ykwim?????

I LOVE GEORG🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

thank you pookie love u🫶🏽

Georg Listing ✯

Hibiscus <3

AHH TYSM FOR THE REQUESTT, I LOVEEEE GEORG!! 🤭 ILYTT AND THANK YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE UR WRITING TOO! ITS AMAZING.

Warnings: fluff!! Georg being too cute 🤭

Georg x fem reader

“Are you sure?” You said, almost in shock. “Yes im sure” he said letting out a soft chuckle. “Then yes! Ill go!” You said basically jumping on him, giving georg one of the biggest hugs.

You met georg through your science class, and you both became inseparable since! He later introduced you to his other friends, Bill, tom, and gustav!

You found out he has a band and he plays with his friends. You started to develop a small crush on him after a while and you were super excited to see how this trip would go, since you would be able to spend even more time with him!

Almost everyone knew about your crush on georg but him, sometimes they would try to hint it at him but nothing worked as he would only say with a flushed face that you were nothing but friends.

Once you were there you put your things down on the sand and ran over to the water, walking in so the water only reaches your ankles.

You felt someone move next to you and you look to your left and smile seeing that it was just georg.

“Hi!” You said, with a bright smile on your face, “Hey ___, wanna go look around? I think i saw some really pretty hibiscus flowers over there.” He said, smiling back at you. “Ooo, yes!!” You said, following him.

It wasnt a far walk but you stayed pretty quiet, not knowing what to say to him.

He bent down and picked one of the flowers, allowing you to see all of the flowers that were all around.

He stood back up and pushed your hair aside, carefully placing one of them behind your ear, then smiling at you while you blushed.

“Thank you..” you said looking to the side to hide your flushed face. He chuckled and turned your face back, you made eye contact with him which left the both of you blushing.

He placed on hand on your cheek, carefully caressing it while the other was on your waist.

He leaned in and places his lips onto yours, leaving you in shock.

“FINALLY.” You heard, making you break the gentle kiss and back away.

Georg turned around and rolled his eyes, “We thought you guys were NEVER going to kiss.” Bill said, sighing in relief.

“About time you did, now you just need to ask her out georg!” You blushed and looked down as tom smirked.

“I was getting to that!” Georg said, a small tint of pink appearing on his cheeks.

“We will let yall be then!” They said walking away and laughing at the both of you.

“Were you really going to?” You said, fidgeting with your fingers nervously.

“I was.. sorry they ruined it ___.” He said frowning a bit. You smiled and put both of your hands on his cheeks, pulling him into a kiss.

When you pulled away, you both stared at each other blushing. “Will you be my girlfriend ___?” He said, biting his lip.

You nodded and kissed him again, “yes! I will!” You said squealing, giving him a peck on the lips and cheek.

“You have no idea on how long ive been waiting for you to ask me that georg.” You said giggling.

“And you have no idea on how long ive been waiting to ask you that.” He said, smiling.

You rested your forehead on his and smiled, pressing you lips onto his, this time, you wrapped your arms around his neck and deepened the kiss.

You wish you couldve stayed like that forever.

AHH SORRY IT WAS A BIT SHORT, I HOPED YOU LIKE THIS ONE 🫶🏼🫶🏼

#georg listing #tokio hotel #tokio hotel x reader #georg listing x reader #georg listing x you #georg listing smut #georg listing fluff

89 notes · View notes

dez-wade · 9 months

Note

I'm getting to a point of exhaustion with the way bbh and to the extend aypiere and antonie treat forever. Always suspecting of him, like he's always doing things wrong. Im not even a forever main, i watch it happen from other points of view. Specially after this week when he was blaming forever on something he knew damn well wasnt him. Today it felt like only cellbit and pac (etoile too?) were being sensible about the whole situation. Suggesting torture? Friends don't do that. You know who does that? Fucking cucurucho and the federation. Forever is going through enough already. He's clearly not oky, don't make things worse to your "friend".

Sometimes it feels like the brazilians only have each other's backs (plus fit, tubbo and mouse). Etoile has been surprising me lately and I wish Baghera was there too because I'm sure she would be of great help.

Hope cellbit and forever will get much closer after everything is resolved. Their interactions are always so fun to watch and they really need each other right now.

Ps: only talking about characters here, no hate to ccs, I think we all should be able to talk about the characters we spend hours of our day watching as long as it's not hateful.

I agree with you, it has been a problem lately that people were seeing him as a president first than a human being, and I kinda deluded myself into thinking this time they'd see the human.

It was exhausting seeing that mistrust when has sane and normal, but seeing like this in his lowest point? It's too awful.

I also like to believe Baghera would have seen the human first.

I genuinely hope, if they succeed in killing and imprisoning Forever, that Cellbit doesn't allow anyone besides Pac and Etoiles to see him. Because if he's already at his lowest now, things will be even worse when he starts suffering from abstinence and having to listen to the clock, so the last thing he needs are people who don't care about him around him. People who don't sympathize with him, don't genuinely worry about him, or don't have their priority in helping the human being first.

#qsmp #q!forever #qsmp neg #just in case because people get on my ass if i complain how people treat forever

19 notes · View notes

iteouv · 1 year

Text

cw // mental illness

a griffguts highschool au where griffith have a mentally unstable and guts, only his friend who knows about the weakness side from him while the others knowing griffith as a perfect human being, intelligent and charming student. guts doesnt mind if he just a ‘thing’ for griffith to calm his temperamental behavior, treating himself as a stress ball whenever griffith have a mental breakdown. for him, as long as he can keep griffith safe, he will do anything for it. one day, griffith failed the debate competition semi-final. he didn’t know what should he felt since everything what he tried to achieve a dream, that wasnt his wish. it’s his parents who kept push him and gave him lot of pressure, obsessed making him as a perfect child.

griffith was scared, he was under pressure and at that moment he was so tired for giving every single of him to kind of these things. he wanted to feel a freedom… and that feelings can only he got when he’s with guts. and now, he needed his friend for embrace him. but, the only thing he did is only kneeling down on of some spot at the rooftop, hugging himself as he knew guts wouldnt be here since guts not around.

or maybe he was wrong. griffith cried so hard, his voice was trembling as he wanted to scream the pain that he holds in his chest. a few seconds later, griffith felt a warmth enveloping his body. the more he let it be, the tighter of comfort coiled around him, and the warmth became more pronounced. griffith raised his head, his eyes widening when he saw guts. wasn’t it still during school hours? why was guts here?

"don’t worry about me. just cry it out. im here. let it out, griffith." guts said as if he understood what griffith was thinking. he pulled griffith’s body closer, allowing griffith to cry on his chest, letting his uniform become damp with tears.

"I-i’ve failed.. i, i— guts…”

"i know, i know. but you didn’t. you did well. still, it’s okay to feel disappointed, just cry."

"i can’t. i wanna do more than just crying. like—“

guts held onto griffith’s body that began to rebelled, pressing griffith’s head against his shoulder and stroking his hair to calm him down. "no, don't. if you want to hurt yourself, share your pain with me. im here, don't bear it all on your own."

"but you don't deserve to be used like this. you’re a human, you’re my friend! not an object for me to vent my pain on, especially when you have no relation to my problems."

"it’s alright. just share your pain with me, griffith."

perhaps guts was willing to do this only out of sympathy and empathy for griffith, or maybe it was because of other feelings that were growing stronger each day towards griffith.

#griffguts #guts #griffith #berserk

7 notes · View notes

qualityrain · 1 year

Note

I too am cn dub truther, I play gi and hsr on cn, I'm chinese. I definitely prefer cn owl, ana and raven. I think their cn voices match their characters (that i made up mostly) more.

My backstories for ana and owl are kinda edgy and incredibly elaborate, especially owl's. So it's kinda embarrassing to talk about them.

I'll start off with some of my less unhinged hcs.

Ana's mother is cecilia's younger sister. Which makes her kiana's cousin.

Owl loves horror movies. He's also a massive gaming nerd, he's really good at it too. Ana also loves video games and has a natural talent for it.

Owl would never admit it out right, but he thinks of raven as a friend of sort. He knows about raven's probably dead brother and has told raven about his probably dead sister. But they never bring it up again.

This is less a hc and more me choosing to ignore canon. But I think that ana and owl should have been allowed to talk to each other. So I will just say that after manila, they didn't meet face to face until the coral arc. But they did kept in contact with one another, mostly cuz ana felt guilty but she still genuinely enjoys owl's company.

Also I think that both of them are kinda pathetic wet cats with tons of repression. On top of being a qpr, t4t, they are also girlfailure x boyloser.

A FELLOW CN DUB TRUTHER,,,,,and also a gi hsr player??????? i used to pray for times like this,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,when i found out childe(another character i like) and owl have the same va i lost my shit then when hsr leaked my friend messaged me to tell me that dh and owl sound the same 😭😭😭

ana and kiana being cousins!!!! so true funnier when their names rhyme w each other. I do not know if its ever mentioned in game but in honkai wiki it says kianas like 20? which means shes like 2 years older than ana so it would be cute if ana was named after kiana

the way that “did you know flareon is the only fire type pokemon that cannot use solar beam?” meme has been living in my head constantly for owl @ ana 😭😭 esp when that year was 2015 so gen 7 wasnt out yet but in 2017 gen 7 came out and flareon is now no longer the only fire type pokemon that cannot use solar beam!!

owl is a major gaming nerd so true!!!!i think owl and ana would play those 2 player fps games at the arcade. (cringe coincidence story is how i hc owl as a filipino and im a big mlbb esports fan esp to this one team and had a whole crack ws officer mlbb au and then last yr that esports team had a new rookie whose ign is owl)

OUGHHHH RAVEN AND OWL BEING SOMEWHAT FRIENDS,,,,,,,,,,i wish there was more screentime between them because i think their relationship is so interesting,,,,,,,,,like theres so many interesting commonality between them to explore,,,,,the whole probably dead sibling thing,,,,,,,(esp in er when its implied that owl met sakura,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,mhy u make the flamechaser w a dead little sister meet the ws officer w a dead little sister and not elaborate???????????(granted idt sakura knew her sister was dead at that point in time(probably???))) and the whole implication that owl and raven do talk outside missions with the whole “that S rank valk again?”,,,,,ik raven complains about rita to owl every time they meet,,,,,

ignoring canon is my hobby when it comes to ana and owl i havent rewatched chap 19 in a year and i like to think it doesnt exist other than rimestar because i think rimestar is cool (also actually really salty they couldve made a HoStars owl design!!!!!! ok cowards!!!(ik its too much effort for a side character)) you are so right ana and owl should be allowed to talk to each other more!!!!! imo i think they talked more when owl was at the hospital or smth because the dude was like buried under a building and ana only left after he was discharged or smth. but also them keeping in contact 🥺🥺 bet they had cute contact names for each other

you are soooo right ana and owl are a girl failure and boy loser ship!!! ana is the sole survivor of her squad twice and then the second time kills her squad and others (unintentionally) and owl is unable to protect the ppl he cares about twice and has to watch them die!!!! they are terrible at their roles and even worse at communicating mhy when will they be happy (they are not present in the da capo scene with everybody alive and happy)

#actually you know what im feeling insane about raven and owl having probably dead siblings rn #yk when raven tells mei she thought she saw her brother and didnt run after him………yeah……yeah…………..#i think if that happened to owl he woukd run after tianwen….#because i think. extremelt delusional moment but i think raven and owl r two sides of the same coin #and i think its so interesting!!!!!!!!#i want them to be friends so bad!!!!!!#i dont think they would ever be vulnerable and talk abt their backstories much so there would be no way they woukd b that close in canon…..#in my head if owl survived and knew abt the roost raven and owl would b friends #because its like a mei raven situstion where they both know things the each other cares abt and the only way #to not put that thing they care abt in danger is to be friends!!#unrelated another thing im insane about is the fact that owl met aponia in er and FOUGHT HER #fuck mhy for putting that in er my god i have it screenshotted and it never leaves my brain #i became a changed person the moment i read aponias boss desc #asks #cori-randomstuff

2 notes · View notes

wizisbored · 2 years

Note

What would Emily be like in your new au?

emily in netherborn. god. she was just fucking trying. she was trying her goddamn best for her daughter, knowing it wont be enough.

content warning: slavery and child slavery

im undecided on the first part of emilys backstory, namely whether or not she was born in the netherworld. if not, she tells lydia about the living world from firsthand experience. if she was, its stories from charles.

but regardless of how she got there, emily was a netherworld slave. she would be snarky towards her captors sometimes, but not massively. she tried to be smart about her situation, pick her battles, preserve her dignity as much as she could without putting herself in danger. and above all, she tried to support her fellow captives however she could. they were in this together, after all.

for a while, emily and charles were enslaved by the same person. im not sure who that was or what they were made to do for them, but in between all that they got close and ended up in a relationship. emily was somewhat reckless in how fast they moved, kinda a 'what do we have to lose' type thing. its not like they could go get a place together and build a life, so they had to settle for loving each other with intense passion, because that was all they really had.

they were seperated when emily was sold, maybe they both were, im not sure. but appero bought her at an auction and locked her in a small shed. i said initially he kept her for blood but im trying to seperate this a little more from snakeoil so i might change that, though i have no idea what i could change it to.

but anyway, not long after her sale emily realised she was pregnant. and she had complicated, confusing feelings about it. she wanted the child so much, wanted to be a mother, and the baby would be a piece of charles. and yet she knew the kid would be born into slavery. appero openly talked about selling them once they could walk and talk. but even knowing this, she couldnt help how much she wanted the baby. she wondered if that was selfish of her.

regardless, though, she had her child. the kid was always nameless in appero's eyes but emily named her lydia elizabeth deetz, giving her her father's name. and lydia was the light of her goddamn life. she often wondered how something so beautiful and perfect could exist in the miserable life she had locked in that shed.

she tried her best to be a good mother to lydia for as long as she was allowed to keep her, prioritizing her safety and wellbeing far above her own. she'd sneak spoonfuls of her own gruel into lydias dish when appero wasnt looking. she'd make sure lydia had enough bedding before even thinking about where she was going to sleep herself. she'd take orders unquestioningly when there was even a hint of lydia being threatened. and its that last point that actually allowed her to keep her daughter.

she tried to make the shed a home for lydia, because its the best she could do. she'd tell her stories, about the living world and about her father and made-up adventures. she'd roleplay with her for hours. it was escapism for them both. she tried to stay positive for lydia, but she wasnt afraid to admit that she felt just as horrible about their circumstances when lydia compained. she would hold lydia as she cried and wish she could fix things for her. she would cry herself thinking about how her life could have been if she and charles had been free and they could raise their daughter together in the living world, and lydia could have actually had a future.

im getting emotional about this now. she just loved her daughter so goddamn much. she wanted to give her the world, but they were stuck in one that saw them as livestock. she couldn't rescue lydia from the life she was born into no matter how much she wanted to.

#netherborne au

3 notes · View notes

regularirregularity · 2 years

Text

Yes this was triggered by the doctors visit earlier and a poor nurse trying desperately to find my anemic and dehydrated veins but I might as well put it here and examine it as a potential memory.

I felt.. Watched. This intense watching of me by a group of people- even though it was only me and the nurse there. I felt as if every breath, eye movement, and sweat gland on me was being monitored and i knew it. I asked for it. I signed up for it.

I felt like i was back in the small exam room at hopes peak. I felt cold, i could remember flashes of the tiles and the walls that i would stare at when there was nothing better to be looked at. Just a faint blue, some places down there impossibly bright and others way too dark.

I wasnt allowed much of a chance to freely roam. I was often guided from room to room, so they could watch exactly how i changed and moved and spoke and breathed.

Theres a clenching in my stomach when i think about it and oddly enough its not what i would expect? Its not "man i went thru some shit and im mad\sad about it". Its a desire to do better, to be better, to become more than what i was born as, to challenge to notion that anyone couldn't become the best.

Ill stop here for now, but man wish i could see a doctor without that yikes

#hme.mem

2 notes · View notes

hand-painted-5tars · 8 days

Text

hey, its the hottest spring, speudo-summer i might say. i am considering retaking journalling just because i have the hunch it would do wonders to my mind. drawing is too doing wonders to my mind, both simultaneously creating and allowing some information, ideas relief.

i am 24, writing to an old voice, from a website i barely touch but that craddled my dreams when i entered college. and now after eons im here, i do come here sometimes to just talk to you like this, but i do still come sometimes, the same way you pop on my mind sometimes, lighthearted, not always good, but always lovingly. so im here. 4:30pm still working hours but im on lunch break. i work home. extra time i waste because my organizing skills have always been bad and i heard it has a name and im not medicating propperly for it, but then again i never have and ive come this far. so once again, track lost and refound, im here. 24, sitting at home working, drenched in sweat because the weather is awful, but in front of me theres my keyboard, my screen and to my side its the box i set up yesterday, my first and very own CPU. its black, tall and the left side has a pannel that allows me to see the fans spin and the silver of the processors resistance. something i always wanted when i was a child. a real gamer cpu, bought with my own money, and something i wasnt expecting. assembled throught my own hands. i know i shouldnt celebrate departures but in this case i cant help but being way too happy. way too giddy. y' know the way my head just gets stuck on things and wont let go till a big dawn. i hadnt realized how much i was missing, (a pity my brain just wouldnt let go) being entirely obsessed with several groups and such. uh yeah. the posters are there and the albums are too, but i dont burn like i did, desperate to know what did the kpop boys i like this round do today. they seem to be busy, thats good but its as good as i care, i dfidnt realize until i left how in most cases it felt like it didnt quite fit.

now im back on games stuff, its like i should have come here before, you know i knew i would have enjoyed it, their approach, this peoples approach to art is much freer, much more experimental and interesting and i could cry on how well it feels, not just to see things i think about appreciated but finding people who seem to be on that same wavelength. not that i dont appreciate the time, not that i dont love dearly everyone the past around 8 years gave me. i am just simply overjoyed in what i find today. i guess in the end everythings a phase, beginning and end entirely important. how i enter and how i end, what i got in the process its whats really important. i feel youd get it. but more importantly, and the most importantly is that their approach to art reignited mine in a way i hadnt seen in years, that nothing, nothing ever came close to do in the past decade since after you passed. maybe bts came close, but that only solidifies a subject above that has to do with themes and experimentation of art. but back on track. many times last year and in the past few years i was considering jsut leaving art, wanted to rip it off me. wanted off so i wouldnt disappoint myself every single time i tried and tried and failed, knowing i could be normal if i let go something i was never gifted and pretending would just burn me all over. the whole process has been like trying desperately to bury a living thing and hoping it stops coming out. every feet of dirt i just kept disappointing me further, i kept wishing i could take it all lightly. i was so close to dropping it, entirely.and well the regret the regret of seeing how much does everyone around me with real art careers were improving so much while i was crunching code on websites, most time spent trying to tell myself i could make it without drawing, maybe that will ease me out on the paper. but it never did it never came easier, it became harder and harder, and most times i wanted off as if it never existed in first place. not that i didnt love it i simply convinced myself it would be pointless to put on an effort and be disappointed in the end by the lackluster results i end up giving. im sorry, no amount of eroding edges and softening remove how jagged my insides are, and sorry no amount of regret can turn back time and hone the skills for all the time i lost being afraid, thats always been my pitfall. im sorry i only wanted to make you a drawing to explain how much your art ever meant to me and i never got the guts to truly put you in paper. you have always been the most tender of souls and my lacking hand couldnt do justice. but i think im back now. what i mean is that im back to trying this for real, with the intention of breaking, the intention of what i desperately said i did but i never did. im breaking the bones and instead of burying it im ransacking the fucking grave i guess. it all starts the same place it ends. im back where i was in highschool when i decided my young naive self that i wanted to tell stories through art, obsessed with games and animated series, and you were there too, beautiful, so i thought, i should tell you, because i tell you everything.

and so im back where i started, so much time lost but no regrets i guess. sorry not for dropping the pencil but for the many many times i lied about it. you will have my worse because thats after all the most that could be given, stupid, and worrysome, and unable to stop making all the mistakes i didnt make when i was young and too busying trying to make a daughter my parents would be proud instead of whatever i am so theres so much to pick up. i am to be build from scratch, so much to do, so much rough, so much lack of skills, and so you will have me in all the mistakes and loose ends i left, the splinter in the wood from everything i tore apart and never propperly cleaned, but its all of me, and theres so much to clean here before we can propperly start anew. i will take care of it. anyway, i build a computer from scratch like i wished when i was 14 and i still have some tasks to do for work today, but after that im all yours so if youll have me.

#my moon for you i'd #i guess yet another wordspill to #um #jonghyun #and to art i think #because im way too emotional and its way too hot outside #a love letter to art and jonghyun because to me they mean very similar things to the meanign they have in my trayectory as artists #anyways

1 note · View note

someone-called-efg · 2 months

Text

before this happens again i decided to draw what i saw and experienced a little over a month ago so incase anyone has anything similar theyre not alone at least, and if its some kinda 'only me' thing, than at least it's documented.

i dont really know what kinda tw to put for this, but assume anything given its about a near death experience

so, back just before valentine's day, a demon somehow ended up in my bedroom. me, wanting to prove im not a coward, did exactly that, and firmly declared my beliefs in the being who created all (for the sake of the post im gonna call said entity god) and its not a lie, even from a young age ive been a strong believer even to the point of getting in trouble for it (i.e. getting in trouble for calling out hypocrisy and trying to do something about it despite being the only one to try) and while my faith has had a lapse when i was a teen, it since got resparked. so, adamantly that the idea of having no faith seems bazar to me.

so, all this to say, when the demon was in my room, it knew i wouldnt give up my faith.

however, one thing ive said on occasion to family is that i dont fear death, and thats still true to an extent. sure, ive had near death experiences before, but ive always been of the opinion that as long as youre right with god than you have no reason to fear dying. and imo that just means not being an asshole.

so, the demon found out i genuinely dont have any fear of death or dying and decided to try to call a bluff that wasnt even there. so, with all its might, it killed me

this is roughly what i believe it looked like, as it gave off this sense of dread i ccouldnt really shake off when in its presence. (yes, the stick figure is meant to be me for size comparison) everything else beside the thousands of mouths was a void. the mouths glowed an inviting white, but as you see, when i got closer, it lead to a void like pit that was its true mouth, rows upon rows of pointed teeth jutting to the center that only got darker and darker the closer i looked.

then, something happened in my mind that even i cant put into words, because quite frankly, even i dont understand what happened in between everything

then everything went from being in a dark void, to this

an angel came and was so bright i only know its this kind because how many eyes were there. i had to convince the angel that i would be able to cope with being alive after that day, and i was allowed to come back on account that i see a priest and a therapist. (and something i thought was strange to mention that: if you bleed on something, you yourself have to burn it) another part of the agreement was that i post on my socials about the encounter, and while i had done that previously, i figured making as comprehensible of a post as possible now that ive had a bit of time to process it all would be a good idea

so as you can all tell, this it getting very triggering for me.

the week or so that followed that night could be comparable to a personal hell, as any time i wasnt around any human, i would be tormented by the demon in ways that i cant even mention out of fear of t.o.s. as they tried as much as possible to keep me in my room as if to keep me hostage

until one day when i broke down to my mom

she got me holy water from the church and i proceeded to sprinkle it all over while praying as best i could

but since that night ive felt like the worst hypocrite of them all. since i was little i had wished to die, in fact, as a child i had no intention of making it to my double digits, and yet, here i am. and when i was nearly out the door, for some reason i decided to stay.

anyways, even though i went around with holy water and prayer, my bedroom hasnt felt safe, and ive been sleeping in the living room since. because being without privacy means no personal hell. so i see it as a win in my books.

throughout all this, ive seen my faith as this small campfire, and any attack against my faith as gusts of wind that i keep having to protect the flame from so it doesn't get blown out.

#personal vent #vent #death #religion #demon? maybe #angel #say what you want but i know what i went through

1 note · View note

renewingagain · 8 months

Text

monday 2 october 2023 // 10:38pm

sooooo the inevitable happened and rhys messaged me saying he doesnt he feels how he was feeling before and that he doesnt feel the romantic connection progressing.

i am annoyed that it took him a while to say that - however i acknowledge he is a busy individual i just wish i knew sooner so i wasnt fretting about. however im comparing a bit to when i felt the same towards max - i knew i wanted to tell him and be honest, but i wanted to do it when i actually had the time to think about what i wanted to say

i cant complain really - this is the dating game and this is how it works! you go on dates with people and see the vibe. people are allowed to change their mind, i have done it myself. i am just not used to being on the receiving end - in fact im pretty sure this is the first time this has ever happened to me so the feelings i am feeling right now feel weird and new

the message he sent me was actually nice. he mentioned he did genuinely have a lovely time with me and that i am a nice person, and said thank you for the mems. it is true - had a lovely time everytime i saw him, especially over pride. pride was wonderful and really good vibes. i got a bit carried away in my head about us because he made me realise that he has a lot of qualities i want in a person - especially things like someone who isnt shy, loves meeting people, and has a big heart to help people and someone who demonstrates selflessness

i figured it was when he first came over that i was a bit boring or something - but we then agreed to see each other again and he would tell me he misses me etc. then i went to his for a night in manchester - tbh i didnt have the best time just because the club was a bit boring. but dinner was nice and i enjoyed hanging with him and his friends. part of me is like uhhhhhh so when did it change. and also i acknowledge that we are in different cities - but in order to see if there is a romantic connection you have to put in some effort? which i dont really feel like i was getting after that manchester day. idk, my head is a bit spun over it. however he could have been feeling this whenever. there is 0 point in me trying to pinpoint when things changed and evaluate - im sure if i did something wrong he would have said. but he said he genuinely had a good time so its done now innit. i did really like him but i know i will get over it

if i was chatting to someone else in my position i would be like listen yeah, take the L, at least u know where u stand, and that there are over 8 billion people in this world - someone somewhere will literally love you for exactly who you are and you will find your person

SHOULD i even be looking for a relationship right now? see im conflicted on this - i totally do want a relationship, however, i am so so soooo busy with stuff and also i dont want to develop a relationship while im unsure as to where my life is going in terms of my career. i think this will become much more clearer once this job interview passes - i really hope i get it! gotta put in the work though!!!!!!!

once again, i want to be more loving to everyone, & in everything i do. 1 Corinthians 14:1 states to let love be your highest goal. how do i keep this attitude in everything i do? i don't want my mood to influence my actions and the way that i love and choose to love in certain moments. i really want to love wholeheartedly and selflessly in everything i do. i want to be kind. i know i am generally a kind person but i could be kinder and nicer. i love to make people feel good, loved, happy, encouraged. if they are feeling shit i want to make them better. people deserve happiness

on the flip-side i may be seeing lewie to chat through stuff as that kinda deaded off a bit but not in the way i intended. i do care about him, and he is owed my honesty

anyway im tired, but lets make love, fitness, and job interview the priorities these next couple weeks. i went on another run today and even did a couple pull-ups - boy do i feel so much better for it! it really helps my mental health

peace and love G

0 notes

manythoughtmanyprayers · 8 months

Text

its been a few days already, and as much as i wished i could set all my feelings straight and be able to say "Im feeling x", i really cant, cause everything is still very confusing inside my head.

on one side im feeling relieved that all the stress and the fights ended, and all of the times i felt tired have finally come to an end. i will no longer hear people say things like "this isnt good for you" or "you should just end wtvr you have going on", which i love because for fuck sake, mind your own business, you know only what i told you, which wasnt that much, considering the amount of bad comments you people to tell me based on what YOU thought and saw, so i kept pretty much 90% to myself alone. i also get to try and focus more on myself and try to grow from where i am to become better, for me and for others as well (which doesnt necessarily mean i never focused on working on myself throughout all those months, its just now i only have myself to "worry" about, even though i will always care about you too).

on the other side, the nostalgic feeling i still get whenever i listen to the playlist i made while thinking of you, when i look at our polaroid or the flower you picked for me, or at your socks i accidently yet consciously kept in my wardrobe, it brings all those happy and loving feelings i still have for you, cause one doesnt go from liking someone this much to simply hate or dislike them. all of the good feelings i have for you are still here, very much awaken, and wont go anywhere anytime soon, no matter how much "i told you so" and "he wasnt good for you" i get thrown at me. because yes, maybe from the outside and from what little people knew, maybe we werent good for eachother. i know better, i know more than they will ever know, and i know all of the goods and the bads that happened between us, and where they all came from. i know that despite the bad shit, there were still amazing and fond memories that i would give anything to relive them again for the first time. and that is was gives me hope.

despite these last few weeks, and all of the flaws we have and our connection had, i still have hope that, if we both work on ourselves, to become better people, and the universe allows, we will come back even stronger.

despite me acting all calm and collected in front of everyone else, i still ache for you, i still wished none of this had happened, i still wish we were talking like we used to. im still filled with sadness that it didnt work out the way i wished, that all the hard work went to waste now that were not even on speaking terms (which i believe is for the best, for now). but like i said, i still have hope, that in the future, be it in the next few months, or next year, or whenever the universe thinks were both ready, that we will have another chance to do it right and to be happy. because like i always said, i like you and i want to be with you, be it now or in the future. and when i like someone, its for a very long time, and knowing that maybe there are still some feelings for me inside of you, makes me the more eager to wait for you.

#rants

0 notes

keladikara · 10 months

Text

I felt like hurting jim a thousand times would only make him realize that he's not worth thid love and i know that i did something he doesn't like.... But for me being mean was a win, i wasnt sure if i wanted the feeling i have waited for months. I can't stop thinking of him and enjoy his love and attention, but i wasnt sure if i want him that i knew— i however who miss the unavailability of a lover who once only ruin me. And to love this, to have such healthy one to me was horrible. Because he didn't chase nor love me as who i am, but a love that is scared of me is something id rather not have. I realized that i never wanted to be his, or a feeling that i must again discover and learn.

Some loving doesn't mean we have to belong together. He mentioned many times, "this couldve been the best day ever, for someone to ever like me back" but to me only that this is just.... Some oh feelings i dont want. Maybe i am scared that i dont deserve this feelings, maybe I cant take a love that is just not as exhilarating as one that ruins you. I surely don't know if im looking for more wounds or i'd rather some chasing and fire ... Though love comes in many forms.

Call me ungrateful to have such love so dear, great, i dont hve to try to even have it. Everyone love this type of story and here i am being so unfair to someone who i might hve been waiting for all my life, wishing. But i want more, and I'm hard to please. I dont want to end up allowing any easy love to have me good and ruin me because i feel incomplete... Ill learn more about this though and find what i want

0 notes

elemyah · 1 year

Note

hello! im a recent follower of your blog, and i wanted to bounce a Ryuji fic idea! i wanted to write something angst or hurt/comfort with him, but im a bit dry as to what exactly can i angst or hurt him XD i was thinking about writing about his leg injury, but i wasnt sure if im able to write him right since ive never written him before can you give me a rundown of his personality? like, what are his key characterizations?

Hi, and welcome! Ryuji is my favorite, so I’ll try to help as I can.

Before anything, I just want to make it clear that much of how I interpret him is based on headcanons I came up with during the years, so it might not always be canon accurate.

That being said, I'll put some of my thoughts on him under the cut, since I'll probably ramble a bit.

If you don’t want to read my long ramblings about my favorite character, there’s a small list of key characteristics at the end. Anyway…

To me, Ryuji's main characteristic is that he's incredibly loyal. Be it to his friends, his mom, or his goal of being a Phantom Thief and do good. He can be pretty silly and dense, and sometimes his mouth goes much faster than his brain, but he's always trying to do what he thinks is best, and help those who need. He considered dropping out of school to help his mom financially, allowed his old team to (unfairly) let out their frustrations on him, was ready to sacrifice himself for the other Phantom Thieves, and is always willing to shield his friends, or fight for their sake no matter what. He has a strong sense of justice too, much stronger than his self-preservation and fear of consequences, as we saw with what happened with Kamoshida (I also don’t doubt he would’ve punched Shido’s face without a second thought if he knew who he was when they came across him… He’s the kind who acts by instinct before he thinks, and frequently get into trouble for it).

He’s someone who, despite his short patience, is also very forgiving. He was annoyed at Yusuke and Makoto at first, but didn’t think twice before helping them once he understood their situation. This is even clearer with Akechi, since Ryuji never trusted or liked him, but also had one of the strongest reactions to his story and “death”, even saying that he was more than special when Akechi had a breakdown after his fight in Shido’s palace. He’s the kind who takes no bullshit, and hates people who harm others and abuse their power, but is willing to give people a second chance if he feels they are willing to do better.

Since you’re planning to write about his injury, I think it’s important to keep in mind that not only did Ryuji lose something he loved to do and his chance to become a professional athlete when Kamoshida broke his leg, but he was also shunned by his team for it, and had to deal with the guilt of his mom apologizing for raising him on her own. It’s a bunch of terrible things happening at once, and I wish the game gave it all a little more attention, since people tend to forget about everything Ryuji went through because his personal drama isn’t as present in the narrative as other characters’. (There’s also the abusive father situation, which is something that doesn’t go away easily, but the game just mentions it and then forgets about it later…)

Ryuji was also probably pretty lonely before he met Joker, given how he was treated at school. That might be why he got so attached to Joker so quickly, since he was the first person in a long time to be willing to listen to his side of things and get to know him without the usual judgment. (Also, unrelated to Ryuji, but I feel like Joker felt the same way about him, since Ryuji was the first to listen to his side of things and be on his side. They were a good support for each other in their time of need, and that’s one of the reasons their friendship got so strong in such a short time). I also like how Ryuji’s emotional intelligence works, because he can be very dense for some things, but then there are moments when he’s the first to notice something is wrong with one of the PTs and tries to do something about it. Like when Yusuke mentions that people avoid him at school, and Ryuji immediately invites him to go out after that. He can be a little blunt, but he never tries to hide how much he cares about those close to him, and does what he can to help them when they need, or cheer them up when things go badly.

This goes more into headcanon territory, but I also think Ryuji is afraid of becoming like his abusive father. He’s constantly being treated as a “good for nothing punk” by teachers and classmates, was called a traitor and shunned by his old team, has a short temper, and often acts without thinking. It feels to me like he’s not only fully aware of his flaws, but also internalized this idea that he can do nothing right, so he (consciously or not) tries to compensate by being a hero as a Phantom Thief. Of course, he does care about the people they’re helping, but I think part of it is also him trying to prove to others and mostly himself that he can be good, and do good, and not just harm others like his father (or even Kamoshida) did. I can’t remember the exact words, but he mentions after Shido’s palace that he liked feeling like a hero, to the point he lost sight of what they were doing, and why. But, in the end, I think Ryuji put helping people who have no one to rely on, and no way out of a bad situation as his main goal, since I’m sure he often wished someone would help him (and his mom) when he needed, but ended up having to struggle on his own until he met Joker. So, in short, I think he has the best intentions and a willingness to do good things, but can easily get lost in his own problems and insecurities. His self-esteem is also pretty low, given how he often lets people treat him badly with little to no protests (some of it was for the sake of “humor” in the game, but it doesn’t change the fact that sometimes the group is unnecessarily mean to him).

TL/DR: to me, his main characteristics are loyalty, willing to do good (despite not always knowing how, or the best way to approach certain situations), and some pretty low self-esteem behind his confident and positive attitude. He’s a dork, but has a strong sense of justice, and often acts before he thinks. He can be dense, but is also openly caring and affectionate with those close to him, is always trying to help them, and tends to put their needs and feelings above his own (which can also be a flaw).

If it’s difficult for you to write him, it might be a good idea to read a few fics by different authors, and see which parts of their characterization feel right to you. I’m more of a P5 writer than a reader, so I don’t really have fic recs, but Ryuji is a fairly beloved character nowadays, so it should be easy to find good fics and rec posts around.

Anyway, sorry for the wall of text, I hope some of it can be of help to you. I love Ryuji, and it makes me happy to know you're interested in writing him. Good luck!

0 notes