#i will quite literally never forget them

[juneviews]

bruh the more time I spend in this fandom, the more I realize how much of a dinosaur I am lmao. I was recommended joong's tiktok of trying a filter called "thai babe" with a bunch of actors and. tell me why off wasn't there. gun wasn't there. tay-everyone's-favorite-fucking-tawan wasn't there. new wasn't there. singto. even fluke natouch. not even my baby gawin??? likeeeeeeee... not only was I upset bc I would've NEVER been happy with any of the results, but it made me feel SOOOOOO old like bruh, the kiddos & me truly stan different people 😂

#axelle rants #gmmtv #I'm a grandma but the worst thing is that I know people who've been in the thai bl fandom since its inception... what does that make them 😂 #I'm 24 years old babe I cannot ethically stan anyone who was born after 2000's. even 2000's is pushing it but. drake laedeke. #all the others that are below that I just look at them like an older sister fr #might be judgemental but I'll never understand grown ass bitches that lust unapologetically after 20 years old 😬 #(anyways I would like to take this moment as a reminder that when bitches on here were trying to get me cancelled a couple years back- #-they called me a p*do for lusting after drake & calling him daddy when he's one year younger than me & was 20 at the time 🙃) #(no I will never let y'all forget the bullying I went through on here at a time when I was going through depression & tumblr was quite- #- literally my fucking lifeline 🙃)

[widevibratobitch]

my god. skinny people really just have like. No Idea huh just absolutely not a single clue lmao it's almost funny to watch fr but then id lie if i said i wouldn't fucking kill to be able to be that ignorant

#girl i am SO sorry people react with surprise when you say you're studying to be an opera singer because you're #*checks notes* skinny and attractive. so so sorry that must be literal hell for you huh how will you ever recover :(((( #no no please keep talking about how equally bad that is to the brutal fucking fatshaming and ED glorifying #in the industry that me and the only other fat girl in the room were talking about before you interrupted us <3 #anyway. we were talking about this one review of a quite famous professional music critic whose only comment about a fat mezzo in the cast #was 'miss xyz.... lose some weight'. not a single word about her singing/acting/whatever. but yeah no you're too sexy for an opera singer #and THAT is the real problem here girl i totally understand yeah <3 thoughts and prayers dearest. #earlier that same day this same girl was standing next to me in her bodycon dress and went #*pointing at her stomach that's so flat its almost concave* 'ughhhh what do i have to do to not look pregnant in this dress 😩😫' #and i said 'girl' and just looked at her and like the sudden horrified realisation on her face was lowkey hysterical #like omg you really did forget you're not talking to your other skinny friends with whom you can pat each other on the backs #and reassure each other that 'dw girl ur not fat at all ur so so sexy!' huh sjshsjshsjs #but yeah i dont like making people uncomfortable irl so i did reassure her she looks hot and pretty and skinny as all shit #let at least one of us have a nice evening and not feel Absolutely Fucking Disgusting ig <3 #and the day before that after i saw our (last ever btw never photographing myself with them ever again <3) picture and had a mini break down #the other even skinnier and smaller and petite-er crouched down next to me with the most guilty fucking expression and quietly asked me #if im alright and do i want her to delete those pictures (that she posted on two separate social media pages) and like #the look of immense fucking pity on her was even worse than seeing those pictures #like i know she meant well and was trying to be nice but my god. this really is how you all see me huh #like looking like me would be fate worse than death for yall #not even gonna mention the thing i just learned this friday that the retired ballerina who leads our ballet classes said about me #trying to cheer up the other fat girl who happened to have a bit of an emotional breakdown in the middle of the class :))))))) #like i am sooooooo so glad and honoured to be an inspiration to you. really. always happy to help. the exemplary Fat Girl Who Fucking Sucks #But Doesnt Let It Bother Her <333333 #like on one hand. yeah it really does make me wanna jump off a cliff. but on the other. its just hilarious sjdgsjsgsj #you sure are right miss ma'am. i sure don't let this bother me at all. i am famous for my uncanny ability to Not Be Bothered by all this <33 #but shes new. its ok. how could she know about the last two years when i was getting panic attacks and sobbing myself to sleep every tuesday #but yeah no. [lauren cooper voice] am i bovvered? am i bovvered tho? i aint even bovvered!

[pepprs]

genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim

#purrs #delete later #covid19 #i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill / #immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in #any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy #for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the #throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more) #disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in #ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and #healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to #school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist #anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to #access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i #HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i #need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have #that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way #it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator. #* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear #for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in #part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I #think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.

[iniziareold]

Muse Aesthetic / Feelings

𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒.  being unable to stop smiling. laughter. bear hugs. happy tears. waving arms around. dancing. contently sighing. eyes twinkling. laughter lines. childlike playfulness. skipping. talking more. affection. cracking more jokes than usual. gesturing more when talking. higher pitched voice. squealing. jumping around. clapping.

𝐒𝐀𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒. tearing up. self-hugging. one-arm cross. an aching chest. scratchy throat. a runny nose. turning away. deep breaths. quivery smiles. crying. infantile sobbing. hands gripping each other or an object. covering mouth. puffy eyes. eyes appear red. voice breaking. a distant or empty stare. monotone voice. asking for comfort. faking a smile. crumbling. shaking. whimpering. depression. abusing an unhealthy habit (excessive training). withdrawing from others. big teary eyes. doing something even if it could hurt them.

𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑. furrowed brows. baring teeth. passive-aggressive comments. avoiding eye contact. sarcasm. headache. sore muscles. hiding clenched fists. irritability. jumping to conclusions. raising voice. going silent. demanding immediate action. keeping it all in until exploding. body tensing. making risky decisions. middle finger.

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐑.  wanting to flee or hide. what-ifs. images of what-could-be flashing in mind. uncontrollable trembling. rapid breathing. screaming. a skewed sense of time. irritability. keeping silent. denying fear. turning away from the cause. pretending to be brave. nail-biting. lip-biting. scratching skin. a joking tone but a voice that cracks. fainting. insomnia. panic attacks. exhaustion. substance abuse. tics. rushing adrenaline. face draining of colour. hair lifting on the back of the neck. feeling rooted to the spot (!!!) making body as small as possible. staring but not seeing. crying. a shrill voice. whispering. gripping something or someone. stuttering. flinching at noises. pleading.

𝐄𝐗𝐇𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍.  constantly yawning. blurring words together. dark circles or lines under eyes. mood swings. hallucinations. calling people by the wrong name. dizziness. denying they’re tired. slow blinking. trouble concentrating. stumbling. leaning on a doorframe for support. sluggish movements. falling asleep someplace that isn’t a bed. becoming irritated by the smallest things. “i’m awake, i’m fine.” shaking so bad they spill their drink. fall asleep in their clothes. lay their head on the table because they’re so tired.passing out.

Tagged by: @militus an age and a half ago 🤍 Thank you, I had fun! Tagging: /cracks knuckles. @sicsemper (Gee, I wonder who), @rcdfcxr (initially I wanted to request just Rufus, but I'm really interested in Reno as well, so both!), @inventorem (@aworldofyou because I don't know if you'll see this otherwise), @svnsworn (Jessie), @blitzrod, @tscng, @sentmail (I'm on the 'Lemme learn about Kunsel' train, shh), @lionfated (I've been missing Leon, pretty please), @annjiru (I also am on the Angael train still), @cwarscars (I need you to envision me as a koala very dramatically clinging to your leg), @spynorth (if you tell me you've done it already Lucas, it doesn't matter, do it again and again!), @trickstercaptain, @freedomhasfangs, @lighthouseborn (I can never have enough Henry Turner in my life, ever), @weaponiised, but also— @liifestreams (please give me Reeve, the novel is killing me slowly and he killed me a little). And anyone else? Steal it, I'm sure I've forgotten people and it's nothing personal whatsoever!

#[ tifa lockhart. ] she had buried the twinges of guilt beneath the narcissism of self-sacrifice. beneath the belief of 'the greater good'. #[ tifa lockhart / et cetera. ] but i work for shinra. i'm the enemy. / i don't care. i don't want anyone to die. please! #[ tifa lockhart / meta. ] people have many things pent up inside of themselves. so many things they can never forget. strange isn't it? #[ it has been years and i still never can decide what to 'file' this stuff under. probably just a me problem. ] #[ it's not quite meta because i didn't write it-- it's also not 'relevance' because-- well. not using it for this. ] #[ any way-- this was /very/ fun actually. and i sat here in contemplation for a few of them. ] #[ this actually puts into perspective; again; why i love the nuance of animation that remake gives tifa. ] #[ the voice and animation definitely added to just about anyone; i always want to point out how much of tifa is in the subtleties. ] #[ the clenched fists-- the self-hugging. the doubt that lingers within regardless of anger. and how it's shown even in little gestures. ] #[ like when she suggests going out on the town with cloud and he questions her for half a moment-- she folds back in on herself. ] #[ same thing with the train for example-- literally rooted in place. and it's not taking away from the bravery she holds on many levels. ] #[ it's the nuance of bravery-- that it isn't black or white. you can have doubt and i think the remake did a chef's kiss job with that. ] #[ because we're so immensely layers as human beings-- so it's incredible to me to see a game reflect on that so heavily. ] #[ that game is incredibly human. it's an incredibly good depiction of human nature and reactions. ] #[ and god-- the VAs add to that magnificently. truly. ] #[ i literally cannot praise britt enough. she was so nervous and she aced it. they all did. ] #[ god; all i can think about (especially) is the 'what-ifs'-- literally. doubt. /doubt/. and that is what makes her so good. so real. ] #[ i'm gonna ramble a little more; excuse me-- can we talk about how realistic that is? no one who's brave won't doubt their actions. ] #[ tifa has lost everything to shinra-- sephiroth is shinra 'gone wrong'. she lost everything at his hands and no one could stop him. ] #[ not even shinra itself and that's very important. there's so much anger there that drives her to do selfish things. ] #[ and i note selfish because on the way to a smile has touched on this magnificently as i'd hoped it would. ] #[ she wants them to pay-- she wants her revenge. but she; arguably more than anyone; is aware of what that costs. ] #[ if avalanche goes through with this-- and she helps-- AND SHE DOES. she is responsible for people losing... ] #[ what she once lost. ] #[ and that is /so important/ to her character. before that happens; she is riddled with doubt. before she boards the train-- ] #[ when she's boarded the train and needs to jump off. that moment is /the/ moment where she makes a huge decision. ] #[ because look at how she is once she's jumped off. that entire chapter. she's relatively certain. she's going through with it. ] #[ no way back. ] #[ and then the plate falls not long after. /and then the plate is dropped/. yep. ] #[ ... i'm about to hit tag limit; don't worry-- i'll type about this soon. it's in my onenote! ]

[prognostik-a2]

thinking about him ( anarky )

#♱ ⁺ . ⋆ ˙ * 𝙾𝚄𝚃 𝙾𝙵 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰. #lonnell ‘lonnie’ machin the character and my oc of all time #i want to add him on here so bad but i post a forty paragraph meta on him and anarchist philosophy i will sound like the most annoying - #person on earth . #also. a lot of people just. have a very bad understanding on anarchism and left-leaning ideologies as a whole #and there’s an obvious reason 2 that. ( red scare; demonization of leftism; etc ) #plus there’s rly no reason to go into lonnie’s character without engaging in the political aspect. bc bro is quite - #literally an anarcho-communist #AND the comics and arkham games have done him so fucking dirty #like. lonnie was literally created to educate others on anarchism and to deliberately go against the ‘molotov throwing anarchist’ archetype #he still does ‘questionable’ stuff but frankly the people he does it to completely deserve it #and other dc media have just completely bastardized him entirely #never forget the r.ed hood v. anarky comic where lonnie decides to endanger innocent people #like why the fuck would he do that !!!!!! he works IN FAVOR of gothamites not AGAINST them #nobody understands him like i do. im tired of living like this #anyways if i add him on here his vibe will be mostly influenced by the batman (2022) + other noir and thriller media

[bisaster-energy]

i do get making cas essentially human i understand that he can adjust to it and actually enjoy life like that. but um. i just think he can be just as fulfilled as a full blown angel

#human cas fics fuck severely they go hard #but i cant really vibe with cas like. just ''being human'' endgame #cos we already know no matter if he can fly no matter if he has grace he won't BE human that's an entirely different species ya dig #if the show was normal about non-human creatures being people as much as humans are #i probably wouldn't mind as much? but the show is very very sucky about that so #they scratch the surface on nonhumans being capable of like. fear and hopelessness and love. #and instead of really having salmondean explore this they just. forget about it and maybe the cycle restarts in another motw ep #ik it probably aligns with the overall copification of those 2 and it makes me so full of malice... #what im saying is cas is decidedly other. a creature an incredibly powerful one. #and i think it really shows that him not being human separates him from them. he's not as trusted #even after 12 years :/ it's kinda easy to oust him cos he keeps relationships with heaven. #which brings me to the whole ''oh fuck angels we hate angels oh but um not you cas!!'' thing like bro he's still an angel #you pick which monsters u find worthy of redemption but never fully accept them for what they are and discard em pretty easily #so yeah i think having cas be graceless is interesting and even makes sense but ig it just seems too easy on the winchesters #they never had to really accept cas as a full powered angel cos honestly they way they remember it #cas at full power wings in tact was just an asshole and he was barely ever back to that: comfortable in his prime after like s7 wtv #once it's all over and done with i think it'd be cool if cas could have all his wings and power in tact and just be at peace like that #he's an angel but he doesn't have to be a soldier anymore he can quite literally do anything now whole point of free will #and yeah he can choose to be graceless sure but he can never be human anyway. physically at his core he's something Else and i think #dean should have to like. live with that tbh #they never have to REALLY tackle the ''monsters are people too'' aspect and angel cas endgame would prove that regardless #he IS family. they dont NEED him to be an angel to USE him but regardless he is what he is and #they are fine with him not being human because he's family and they love him who cares what you are. #cos in cas' mind he needs his power to be useful but also he cannot truly be part of them while he is noticeably Other due to their bias #this is true for other characters obviously jack rowena crowley #sam's whole thing with benny 💀 #but this is a cas post and i haven't watched the show in years so this isn't like. a cited essay lmao just ramblings #in short i just want cas to be fully angel while not feeling he HAS to be for others' sake and have the brothers be genuinely cool with it #cas my best friend cas #cas studies

[im-still-watching-anime]

tbh one of my fav parts of running this blog is that my memory is so shitty that i can scroll through and like 65% of the posts basically feel brand new to me

#me going to my own blogs: i have no memory of this place…. #*laughs at my own joke laughs at my own joke laughs at my own jo— #my memory is Quite Bad #i’ll go looking for one of my posts and run into so many that i could swear ive never read #even though i literally came up with them #my memory devotes all of its power to school and forgets literally everything else

[punkmacabre-arc]

john is very much the epitome of old man understanding of technology. he owns a blackberry pearl ( which is haunted by entity called vestibulan ) & a macbook from 2009 he refuses to go near. his reputation is very much more word of mouth, a ghost story & old pub tales in itself. business cards pinned on corkboards in shady businesses being the solid evidence of his entrepreneurialship skills. it's more likely to find him by raven than on a craigslist ad ( which is there, if you search hard enough . . . )

#✞ ⠀ ⠀ ᶠᴵᴳ ⁰ ⠀ . ⠀ ⠀ headcanons #doesn't trust tech as far as he can throw it tbh ! #also i say crows but never forget his genius plan against crows hexing in a park #was quite literally teach them how to say piss and fuck instead #his mind amazes me truthfully <3

[yerimoonlight]

Siri...Play Traitor on repeat because The Legacy of Yangchen is coming out in July and I still have not forgiven Kavik.

#personal #the legacy of yangchen #BOOK TWO YEEEE!!! #I mean we all saw it coming but we were all hoping not #and even though he had good intentions in the end (from what I remember) still screwed them over #I literally had traitor on repeat for days #it's like when I read the shadow of kyoshi and could not stop repeating cool by nmixx #I have the tendency to listen to playlists or artists or albums or even lone songs on repeat #so when I read a book or after I read a book/series there's usually a song or two that I associate it with #and traitor by Olivia r was it!! #do I see them in a romantic relationship tho??? #time will tell... #I think I want them two bc I'm always a sucker for the two MCs and character development #but also when women have to teach men to be honest/loyal it gives me the ick #but he's also kind of forgiven by me at least bc Yangchen forgave him but said HA never forget so BYEEEE #and I love that for her. so much! #so I suspect he will be working overtime in this book to win over her good favor #if that's how you phrase that #anyways v excited July will be great #this...hogwarts legacy...may quit my job....so exciting!

[e-the-village-cryptid]

if I had a nickel for every time someone walked within 4 feet of me sitting incredibly obviously in plain view and did not notice me there until I made them aware of my presence at which point they were hugely startled I would have almost a dollar now which is pretty fucken weird guys what is going on

#this time it happened in a slightly but not very dimly lit room in which I was sitting at the front table with a laptop #it is bright it is glowing it is illuminating me in particular #i am quite literally 4 feet from you and within your line of sight how the FUCK do you miss me unless i have invisibility powers #when i alert you to my presence and you jump and look startled dude that is ON YOU i am RIGHT HERE #something i've noticed is they don't see me until i look at them. if i don't look at themthey literally never notice #i cannot stress enough how i am RIGHT THERE and not at all hidden #oh also sometimes they SEE me and then IMMEDIATELY FORGET even if i'm in a weird place #going back further but in high school i would go to the library when i wasn't supposed to and the librarian would smile and nod at me #and then 20 minutes later she'd be like 'when did you get in here you slipped right past' #ma'am i am one of 2 students in the library right now there is no way i just got lost in the crowd #listen if i don't get some explanations i'm gonna just assume i have inadvertent superpowers #an e original

[heartyearning]

context for today’s rant is that i got the feedback on my jury’s written feedback in the ‘general’ section (meaning it comes from more than one person) that i’m disrespectful towards my teachers and fellow students (i got it phrased in 2 different ways for flavour) & when i asked around today who said this so i could see how i could change my behaviour (btw none of my fellow students think this which i know bc i asked and everyone was shocked that i got this feedback) all of them were ‘i dont think this but it was discussed that’ which is funny bc it means the school’s computer system has a ghost or no one wants to fucking apologise to me for a very personal and hurtful comment that they can’t back up, but anyway, i was asking for clarification & my most diplomatic teacher (who i dont for a second believe to have written this feedback bc she’d have said so to my face no doubt) was like “well some teachers are worried about you and [best friend]’s clique & think it might turn into an Intellectuals Vs Others thing” (i don’t need to tell you this is so fucking out there i nearly fell from my seat like i have never said this in my life and when this very teacher saying this made a comment about one of my less-well read fellow students i was one of the ones who ‘‘rallied’‘ or whatever in her favour) and anyway then she continued “some ppl feel like u make condescending comments & you just need to remember not everyone has had your trajectory in life” WHICH IS FUNNY because she says this bc my bestie’s got a whole philosophy degree but i’m a highschool dropout with a lower than average iq in certain subjects. which obviously isnt even close to being the point and i do know that but i’m clearly feeling very upset and mad about this whole situation.

#my mom says i shouldnt let this embitter me but i think they should either find an example of when ive been disrespectful #or apologise to me and take it off the written feedback #i had to sit there and listen to everyone say that they dont think im disrespectful which is so fucking humiliating #because i KNOW that. but i still spent all weekend long worried out of my mind & i sat there trembling like a leaf and fucking crying #because i feel so betrayed by all these people im ngl. like im supposed to open myself up to these people and i DO #and be vulnerable with them and i AM #and yet when something like this comment is thrown around in a feedback discussion no one stands up for me? #& i know that they dont like. know all of us individually THAT well like i know that im vulnerable and open with them and they dont like #remember specifics #but theres only 14 ppl in my class which granted is a lot but its not enough to just forget that ive never done anything disrespectful #to any one of my fellow students #in the words of my favourite wrestler: This Has Hurt Me. #and in the words of my best friend who is mentioned in the post: kinda sus the only two people who got this type of feedback #(she didnt get it QUITE so harshly but she got the feedback that she should be a little more considerate towards other students #which is still nonsense because literally like everyone else said she's the one we'd all come to if we ever had a problem) #but kinda sus that the only ppl getting this feedback are the two neurodivergents in the class #whatever. whatever whatever ive been crying im upset im somehow even more upset by one of my teachers being like #'this isnt ok esp this phrasing & i'm gonna look into this' like she's super nice and sweet and it does make me feel better #but its also like. confirmation that i SHOULD feel upset somehow? idk. oh it sucks so fucking bad #& i told one of the other ones about this in terms of like 'listen i have autism i dont always know how to interact w ppl #so when i do this or that this is what i mean' and she was like 'wow ive learned so much this discussion has enriched me' #werent the point bestie. the point was for you to please stop making assumptions when i am not the only person to react in this way #very unhappy right now. this has hurt me dot tweet

[unproduciblesmackdown]

fury road. when furiosa has one evening of downtime for the first time in two days and also two decades and goes blankie mode

#she's everything. obviously #the rich genre of ppl driving around killing people then respectfully Not having a convo literally face to face #presumably not just downtime but also abt having had a [furiosa's big day] or two lately #your arc as a protagonist Just had its low point. you can't just walk over normally like so anyways.... #walk over normally but Cozy Mode while getting through mutually coughing up blood over the effort of a brief exchange. never gets old #anyways i'm obsessed with literally everything she does at any point & think of any of it all the time b/c. i've simply seen this film #obsessed with things other people do also and even go ''yeah this action movie is like an action movie to me'' for once but You Know #everything i could cite is like this is so funny. and so excellent. and so [aaarghhh i - ] #tangential but when i learned they were originally trying to produce this film in the 00s......god delayed that #for one thing i couldn't have seen it like at least once a week for as many weeks as it was in theaters if that happened lol #partly just so happening to go see it the first time like going ''ah. i see'' over & over after various shots like well. i'm different now #blankie mode not necessarily among them lmao but hey. 7 yrs later N viewings later you can appreciate specifics afresh #there was something or other i only Got watching it the other year for the zillionth time that wasn't even like meant to be like #an easter egg or tiny detail or anything. i just missed something / needed to receive the info totally afresh lol like oh okay [parses] #the other day it was like damn haven't read through this narrative comic in ages & that means i forget plenty of details / how they connect #had only done a handful of Straight Through catchup rereads Ever but only this time was i like ohh. i've connected some dots so much more #clearly in a case or two like [didn't quite Get this one plot point but kinda had breezed past it] [a Mystery point is obvious now] #anyways #i've gone ''did the blanket somehow survive / make the transfer'' (not so far as i can tell) like oops doing more media analysis like nice. #there's threads here....have your last seen exchange while more literally coughing up blood. more literally face to face & Yet Only Kinda.. #okay anyways. she's everything. and [cinema]

[thefrostqueen]

TW// Personal Rant please ignore this is dumb af I just needed to scream and this is my blog so I’m putting it here

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#sometimes I just want to run away and never look back #become someone new and forget my crumbling family #they pretend they didn’t say or do those things #they pretend they didn’t hurt me #I feel like a stranger in my own family and I want to leave it and run and run and RUN #but they make me feel like I’m a betrayer for wanting to leave #people tell me it’s my family so I have to keep talking with them and I have to respect them #but they don’t feel like family they feel like angry strangers #I don’t want to owe them and I don’t want to be with them any longer but getting out is so fucking hard and I want to give up #I hate complaining too cause good things have happened and opportunities have been presented that I should be #grateful for. but it’s hard to live life with happiness when your body is degrading and your mind is too far gone #I’m just rotting and being a bland useless human but I want to be rotting in my own apartment #it’s so hard to keep pretending your fine when you haven’t been for so long #I want to go home and sleep but that home is far away from me #I shouldn’t even be here #I hate how everything works and I hate how I work #I’ll never be able to fall in love cause I’m so fucked up thanks to my parents #I cant have kids cause that was taken from me quit literally #I’m too sick anyway #so I would never regardless #I just want to sleep and be free from physical and mental pain #I want to laugh and smile and aim high and feel like I deserve those precious things #people are selective with how they see other people. My mother is that way #she only sees things in people that suit her perception of reality #all I want is for someone to look at the entirety of me #even the ugliest parts of me #and tell me wether I’m truly deserving of being alive even after going against nature and being born anyways #what was the point of my existence when my mind and body are making me suffer so I can be right back where I started as a baby: dead #note: I genuinely apologize to anyone who decided to read this word vomit

[dream-launch]

I better get a girlfriend at uni or what's the point

#the fact ive lived this long to be the only person i know personally who hasnt even had their first kiss yet #it's pathetic #because i do try #however i do not knwo how to flirt #fuck i dont even know hwo to talk to new people let alone flirt with them #its the clear mental illness that never got sorted cause my mum refused to let me see a doctor as a kid #cause she was scared id end up as mentally ill as my brother #which dude has an impressive list of issues #except it just means i have a full on breakdown and cant speak irl for a week if i have to make one phonecall #and breakdown crying when i find out somewhere cares at all about me #however i aint going to the doctor nwo abour my mental health consider how often i have to go jsut about my physical health #im at that point tho wher its liek im too old to have literally zero experience in anyone even liking ke #liek i dont think im ugly i think im actually quite pretty #so clearly I'm just that annoying that noone wants to date me #hopefully im irresistible to the English #cause being the only single person in your friend group #literal fucking hell #especially when your friends girlfriend tries to tell you the only reason you are single is cause you dont try hard enough #like dude its actually probably cause i physically cannot have a conversation with someone new without forgetting how to literally speak #so they always think there is something wrong with me #which there may well be but i dont knwo cause the closest i got to a diagnosis was the lady on camhs telling me the reason i couldn't sleep #was anxiety #but then i never went back cause my dad was too bsuy to be able to drive me to appointments #i domt mean to sound attention seeking when i say i genuinely think i am not mentally okay #but i cannot afford a therapist and its only free with the nhs if your suicidal and willing to wait 2 years

[bashirenthusiast]

.

#sometimes I have difficulty with my emotions #omg haha isn’t that so funny yeah of course I struggle with them LMFAOOOOOO but sometimes they feel so silly does that make sense? #i feel really bad sometimes because sometimes I wish he would just #validate my feelings without me needing to ask or without hearing it very once in a blue moon you know and obviously it’s not as rare as #im making it out to be it’s just that it feels like that and i need to be reminded that you still fuck with me Often basically lol and it’s #hard to ask that if someone? i don’t know I’ve been going through it lately my eating disorder is quite literally the worst it’s been in #in forever and i just want to lose like 20 to 40 pounds just to looks ? nice for him? he says he’s attracted to me but why would he be #attracted to a fat piece of shit like me LOL anyway like it’s fine I just need to lose weight before I see him! cause then he’ll love me ! #sometimes I forget I’m not doing well #and it’s really hard because i feel like i can’t tell him that because a lot of it is eating disorder territory that i refuse to talk about #with him right ? i hate myself and i kind of want to isolate and never talk to anyone ever fucking again you know but i can’t do that #because that’s just awful isn’t it? i can’t just ignore him just because im not feeling great in my head but like #i don’t know #it’s hard to tell him that sometimes I have a really hard time bantering with him because i take it very literally #i was on the verge of fucking tears. #and i felt awful because it wasn’t his fault but i could t help crying because what if he actually hates me? #no seriously whag if he hates my fucking guts ? you know????? #my eye bags are worse than when I was in school #im really tired. #and i just want to go away for a while

[vaniliens]

I cannot let miscom win but it is so hard trying to come up with ways to communicate something with someone when that someone was supposed to be the one in charge of communicating it to you despite not saying Jack shit without trying to look like an asshole because youre kind of disappointed and you kind of come off as a know it all. Because. We. Didnt communicate. About it at all but somehow I know something she hasn't told me . which. Is what im mad about.

#DAYS without being disappointed in the way ive been treated: 0!!!!!! #nillas #vanili powder #Lets see how this goes #will i A.) Actually Leave this organization because this is my last straw (Again.) #or B.) Just forget about it #or c.)!!! Attempt to Forget about it only to have it resurface Later on!!! (AGAIN!!!) #Look im sorry but how was I not part of the planning process. youre telling me you set up what the competitions about all the sponsors and #THE GOD DAMN PROPOSAL without asking ME???? about ANYTHING???? After telling me and my one guy in my team that we dont have any meetings #about it to attend or Listen in to or anything for months????? #Who do you think made that idea??? you???? Did you make it and thought you shouldn't consult me? You knew about my skills and chose not to #Ask me about things you knew I wouldve been able to help with??? Do you remember what the purpose of this event is? Are you fucking serious? #Did you seriously just sideline US because of THEM are you fucking kidding me #all of this and she has never once told me a single thing about what was inside the proposal or the details of the event #Not even when i needed it for like a mock up trial we had to do to get this approved AND I WAS THE ONE BEING QUESTIONED #I ASKED HER FOR IT BECAUSE OF COURSE I DID AND SHE WAS ALL ''I'll Send you some questions and answers that you'll memorize for the trial'' #ARE YOU KIDDING ME. #MEMORIZE? #I CANT JUST READ THE WHOLE THING MYSELF? SEE WHAT YOU DID WITH MY IDEA ALONG WITH WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DID TO IT? #I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE NAME WAS AND HOW TO PRONOUNCE IT UNTIL THE MOCK UP AND IT WAS IN ENGLISH #its just so weird and irritating how shes literally side lined us despite how [ORIGINALLY] it was supposed to promote our club #What the fuck do you mean im not even one of the main players on it. Im literally the head of the division thats hosting the event. #What the hell do you mean by making me (and everyone else) just. #ughhwhhahhahahh #will i use this as more fuel to quit another organization or will i just give up because this is the last one #& ik if i quit ill probably lose my few acquaintances in it