#i won't say more but im the first episode there is a ''person infected by spores rapidly becomes more & more fungus & less human'' scene

[gorgynei]

happy to report that scavengers reign completely nails the body horror and psychological horror and has a SUPER awesome setting that makes it all feel believably horrific and beautiful at the same time. the planet is functioning perfectly but sadly for the survivors on the planet its quite fond of merging things together! which is! not pleasant for humans!

#i won't say more but im the first episode there is a ''person infected by spores rapidly becomes more & more fungus & less human'' scene #ramblings #scavengers reign

[autisticbokutoenthusiast]

person who is sooooo normal about ray talks about the end of episode 10, what it confirms, what it introduces, and what it may even promise:

"can you please forgive me?"

starting off with this line.... there is a specific brand of betrayal and hurt reserved for the people who feel like the only ones in the world that can make you feel loved. we've seen ray get angry and even lash out at the other characters before but we haven't seen him breakdown the way he did in the sandray apartment fight. i think i took ray saying that he finally was starting to understand his feelings more in episode 9 too lightly, because it seems he meant more then just "i think i like you too" kind of thing, i wouldn't be surprised if ray realized the love he felt as well, and not just romantic love but the "you've seen so much of the ugliness in me but still stayed" kind of love and, if im gonna be bold, acceptance.

"you can be angry or hate me all you want"

lines like this tell me two things, the first being the guilt ray feels over the way he treats people and the second being how much pain he thinks he deserves for it. though i will say this time it feels different then in episode 4 where ray asks sand to call him a burden, because before he wanted sand to hurt him back (a bit of retaliation a bit of self-harm even) but this time he is asking for sand's understanding and forgiveness. he still thinks he deserves it, but now its more then just asking for someone to hurt you in order to reconcile (we will get to the fact sand isn't really there don't worry) there is a sort of emotional growth is what im trying to say.

"i know now that you want nothing from me"

this is also such a huge line for me. we know ray views himself as worthless, he would rationalize why anyone would want him (this is why he was so hurt about sand accepting money from his dad but that's already been meta'd to death so i won't get into that), so him not only thinking but verbalizing that sand is someone who is kind to him without expecting anything in return is huge for ray's ability to see himself as more than a burden or his father's money. in fact, i'd say him admitting this here means he is already beginning to gain a sense of self-worth.

"though i've been nothing but an asshole to you, you are always there for me"

this is the part where we really see ray break. im not good at reading other people's emotions so im not gonna comment on what emotions the actor is trying to portray (tho he is portraying some big ones goddamn), from a text stand point, im interpereting this as pain. I talked before a bit about guilt but i'd say at this moment the realization that someone can care for him so deeply that the parts of himself he's sure are not only unlovable but hurtful won't drive them away, causes him a lot of pain. as someone who is bad feeling cared for or appreciated as a person and sometimes acts like a dick about it, i too would break apart at this moment.

"please understand me"

now this is the line that inspired this post in the first place. he struggles with the connections he has with others but you can see how lonely this man is. like he has been told he is a burden, he interperets his life events and the way other people treat him as proof he is fundamentally unlovable and bad luck for anyone he gets close to, and he is a self-fulfilling prophecy about it.

when he asks sand to understand him he's asking sand to look deeper then his self-sabotoging and attachment issues and see the love and care he has that he struggles to understand and feel and express. he is filled with so much pain how could it not start to infect everyone around him, but from what we see of him, he probably never wanted to hurt other people in this way to begin with.

i think the reason this line specifically broke my heart is that, so much of his behavior at times can be interpreted as a subconscious cry for help, help he won't except but help he needs anyway. i knew any arc involving ray addressing his addiction would destroy me because there is the pain experiencing the things i mentioned above, the pain in thinking you're helpless to them, and then the pain in doing what it takes to try to move forward from them, like this shit is hard. the clarity ray is able to adress imaginary sand with is so incredible even though its in his head, especially given how stubborn he'd been about admitting any issues in the first place.

"being with me requires some patience"

all that i said above and more... i don't think ray will get over that feeling of being a burden any time soon if he ever does because it becomes so ingrained in your worldview and the way you interpret other people's behavior. i like the way this line is phrased (i know its a translation but still) because it alludes to him feeling that he is capable of being loved, it'll be hard but not impossible.

"but if you don't want to put up with me anymore, that's alright. i get you"

remember how i just said i think he now believes he's lovable... well actually i still mean it. he's been constantly told and shown how his behaviour and mentality are hard to deal with, like he thinks his existence is so burdensome it killed his own mother BUT he now knows sand is different. he won't blame sand for not wanting to deal with him, he's always been aware of his shortcomings but can now honestly address the effect his actions have on others, and at the same time he knows that its possible to care for him.

this is why i think sand is his motivation for going to rehab, he's shown ray what is possible for him in ways no one else before sand has.

"but please know this"

there is something so special about the impact sand has had on ray that i think goes beyond their relationship. sand made ray see the value in having a future, in being loved, in being happy. in episode 8 ray tells sand that he's finally happy when they spend time together, and it may seem like he's repeating it here but again this sand is imaginary. he's not saying this to get sand to answer his texts or hang out with him. he's imagining his reason for wanting to recover from addiction. like the weight this scene carries at least triples for me everytime i remember sand isn't really there. this was such a beautiful choice to make imo like ray saying these things to sand would probably be good for their relationship but it wouldn't have the same impact on ray's character arc.

my conclusion is once again don't know why i rambled on besides, ray as character was manufactured in a lab to drive me insane. like i've triggered my mood disorder twice over the course of watching this show but i wouldn't take it back for even a second. i love ray, i love what we've seen of his mentality and backstory, i love that we're seeing him making the decision to address his addiction, i go numb with the thought of where his arc will go next, but i especially love seeing everyone come together to scream about this character that means so much to me (not at all subtle reference to the fact i've read hurt and grieve but don't suffer alone by @jgyapologism what three? times now) anyway hope we all continue to scream about him this week. 🫡🫡

#only friends the series #only friends meta #sandray #oh ray #ray only friends #ray pakorn #only friend analysis #ofts

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 3/28/2023

accidentally read five books.

listening

look i know there's a new fall out boy but i have conflicting opinions about that band bc i am no longer seventeen.

MARINA (formerly Marina and the Diamonds) was another artist coming up when i was in high school, but even though Family Jewels was one of the first albums i really got into, she has soundtracked far less of my life compared to FOB so listening to her is a little less fraught. nothing else has taken up space in my brain this week like the lyrics to hollywood: "hollywood infected your brain/you wanted kissing in the rain".

kind of obsessed how the music video cuts out an entire chunk of lyrics about dissatisfied flight attendants? also jesus christ this came out in 2010. BABY marina

originally stuck in my brain bc my sister and i were talking about the musical chicago, and this song contains the lyrics "oh my god you look just like shakira/no wait you're catherine zeta/actually my name's marina"

-

reading

Star Wars: Dark Disciple by Christie Golden. ventress has never been my favorite of count dooku’s batmanesque kidnapped children. i respect her! she’s awful! i want to see her flirt with obi-wan more but maul (my beloved) has always had more screen time and depth.

it’s spackled together from most of a cancelled eight-episode clone wars arc and it kind of shows? this is not to say that star wars books are uninterested in the interiority of their characters, but we rarely get in their heads. star wars books are much more focused on what it looks like in the movie— there are big cinematic set pieces where it’s important to know exactly where everyone is in a fight.

golden writes a competent action scene. this is more than i can say for many star wars writers.

^ i am shoving my fist into my mouth and screaming.

anyway, one of my worst character traits is a latent previously discussed fondness for steampunk and a less latent fondness for urban fantasy.

i read Alexis Hall's Iron and Velvet Kate Kane book a million years ago possibly at the rec of @bronanlynchh during the new hampshire internship, one of the worst depressive periods of my life, but i did consume a lot of gay romance during that period. bc im in my noir era now, reread it and realized there were more! so i devoured them all over the weekend.

to quote @quaraxuanzenith who seems to be the only other person here who has read them recently,

have you ever thought, "Twilight sure is a book, but it would be better if Bella ( a ) realized that Edward is a weird controlling creep, ( b ) dumped him, ( c ) came out to herself as lesbian, and ( d ) went off to become a paranormal private investigator"?

these are just fun nonsense! i loved them and will buy paper copies after i move! i would not call these "spicy", but she falls in and out of the arms of SO many femmes and fatales (who sometimes overlap). there are SO many women throwing themselves at her. it is a delightful way of nodding at the genre's roots bc kate has some game! she doesn't have zero game! she not an oblivious useless lesbian archetype either! but she's usually like ?????? this person is OUT OF MY LEAGUE and never actually realizes a tall, tortured, sad, purple-eyed lady in a trenchcoat is catnip to nearly all wlw.

i think the third book hits its stride and flings you into a rapidly entangling web of loyalties and motivations that i really enjoy in a noir. i like how the author feels no need to write the YA vampire book trilogy she survived. i like how kate has a life going on apart from the stuff that happens in the books. she does not feel like she started existing the moment the book opens.

i finally understand the little old lady love of endless mystery series, bc this is some really comforting reading. i would read twenty of these. i trust that this author's got me and may fling some twists or red herrings at me but ultimately i won't turn the page and she'll be beaten in the street for being an out lesbian. okay so she does get whumped in the street but it's for case reasons

-

watching

virtuosity (1995, dir leonard). the tagline of this film is "Hell hath no fury like a composite of 183 serial killers. Meet Sid 6.7"

is this a Good film? oh god no. if you've seen the tv show interview with the vampire, it has the same contrasting vibes between the two leads, where one is turning in an incredible performance about a black man trying to hold onto family and dignity while the other is prancing around like a deranged show pony. except without the clarity of purpose or production values of a big budget amc tv drama. however, russell crowe (guy i love to see) put his whole ass into this performance. this is not a half-assed acting effort. it is a joy to watch him zip around screen while denzel washington is giving a very good performance as a disgraced, widowed ex-cop.

this really throws a wrench into my whole "if a movie is about being afraid of a robot it's about being afraid of women" bc crowe is not a woman, but he is a malevolent neural network given an android body. a private company has a contract for a police training tool (the neural network trained on 183 serial killers who you can fight in VR) and is testing the interface on prisoners. i wish this movie had anything to say or critique about this three-way partnership other than using it as an inciting incident for what turns into a chase movie. the movie does not attempt to convince you this would be a good idea in a different private company's dev team but i wish the movie spent slightly less time going AAAAAA HOW TO STOP and any time at all going AAAAAAA HOW DID WE LET THIS HAPPEN

i would call this film camp on vibes alone except it is almost completely uninterested in sensuality. the special effects have not aged very well at all, but the film has the same production designer (Nilo Rodis-Jamero) as Johnny Mnemomic (also 1995) so the film Looks.

why? it was leaving canopy soon and when my gender isn't "woman in the same way a sailing ship is a woman" it's "nineties movie club scenes"

-

playing

weird west! still! (image from the steam page bc i keep forgetting to take screenshots)

not terribly worried about the somewhat repetitive nature of the locations themselves, bc the enemy encounters are varied enough it feels like solving a new puzzle each time. also im still having fun.

i have been picking off guys from around the edges of enemy encampments with a silenced rifle and then tanking through this rest with a shotgun and liberal bandage application, as i am wont to do in shooty games, but i cannot currently break my husband out of a mine run by...cannibals? human traffickers to the cannibals? the xp-giving bad guys without getting one of my companions killed. i really don't want to ditch ann lara (i'm not entirely sure what her deal is? sort of a smooth-talking hustler archetype? but really good with pistols?) who has been with me for most of the eight hours i've played this game. the sheriff/my neighbor, along for the ride for her own reasons, has four times as much health as either of us so she's staying. she's been the only one left alive most of my attempts at this one FUCKING cave.

so i am looping back out into the world (sorry husband) to go think about some real tactics. practice my dodge rolls in a less tense environment. perhaps level up some guns and armor. now you might say "kay! isn't it worrying that you're hitting such a big difficulty cliff?" and to that i say "not really bc i cannot stress the amount of simply dicking around and exploring ive done, also i am not a clever woman."

-

making

fallow week

#this is a little less edited and a little more chaotic than i would like but i have an appointment with a heating pad #tuesday again #tuesday again no problem #Youtube

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Kaz Brekker x fem! Reader - Staying

(Gif not mine)

A/n: im screaming because I watched the first episode of Shadow and bone and AHHHHHH!!!!!! So I'm providing you with this!!! (Requests are open)

Warnings: Angst, Sad Kaz, death, fluff, I think that's it? You have been warned!

Summary: Kaz see's something happen to you and thinks the worst

(This is Kaz's pov)

Kaz shouldn't have fell. Not for her, she deserved so much better. He should have stopped himself.

He remembers the first time he sees her; blood all over her dress, knives in her hands, dead bodies littered around her.

But her skin looked like silk, her hair was let loose flowing with the wind, and her eyes. Oh her eyes looked like the sun and the stars in the sky combined.

She was beautiful.

He closed his eyes breathing in a shuttering breath. She is gone. He needed to remind himself of that, that she wasn't here anymore. She wasn't here to try and make him smile. She wasn't here to hold his hand with the gloves or without. She wasn't here to be with him anymore.

Tears stinged his eyes and threaten to burst, but he needed to close himself off. To not feel anything anymore.

Kaz Brekker has a lot of regrets.

He used to regret spending time with her, he used to tell himself to push her away. To let her go.

He wished he hadn't let her go on the mission.

He got up from his desk, don't think about her. She's not real. She's not real. She's dead. She's not-

"I'm back."

He whipped his head around to where the girl, no woman sat.

"Come to haunt me." He grumbles and turns his head back towards his papers, still standing.

His legs feel weak with longing, and his bad leg hurts a bit more than it should. His head feels like a bowling ball and his mind is worse. Surprisingly there's a wound from the last mission that he hadn't stitched up, but he's still waiting to meet her in death. Kaz knows the wound will get infected and eventually kill him.

Or the lack of sleep will.

Y/n or just his imagination quirks her head to the side and studies him, a concerned expression takes over her dazzling features.

"Are you okay?" The figment of his imagination asks. Oh it sounds like her though melodious voice, and it would be just like Y/n to be worried over a barrel boss.

"Do I look like it?" He snaps at her. He remembers trying to push her away with dirtyhands. Now he wished he hadn't snapped at her, even if it was a figment of his imagination.

"Sorry." Kaz apologizes to the dead girl.

Y/n frowns and comes up to him, he takes a step back. She takes a couple of more steps forward as he keeps on limping backwards. It's like a dance now one wants to show.

They keep this up till his back hits the wall and there's only about an inch of space in between them.

Kaz can't breath, she's so close to him but she'll disappear as soon as he touches her. Even if it was fake he didn't want her to leave.

Silence overcomes the room like placing a blanket on a child. It engulfs them both, warmly suffocating them both making them enable to say a word.

"Your not real." He finally manages to choke out.

Y/n's eyes widen and she seems to have an understanding of something. She was always quick to know what his plans were, they were like different but yet the same people.

Were.

"I'm here." She whispers, and her face leans into his, but their bodies not yet touching.

Her breath fans out upon his face, but it couldn't be real. He saw her dead body hit the earth like a sack of kruge.

"Your dead." He retorts. She flinches hard, like the words physically burn her.

"I just got knocked out Kaz, and I had a couple of wounds. I had to go with Nina to help stitch me up and rest for a couple of days."

Her face his just a mere millimetre from his and their bodies finally touch as Y/n presses herself up to him.

"I was worried when you didn't come check on me." She mutters, he almost doesn't hear it she says it so quiet.

She connects there lips together and he knows. She's there.

He pulls her impossibly closer by warping his arms around her waist, her hands go to his raven hair and she tugs a bit.

An audible moan tears through his lips into her mouth and Kaz can feel her smile.

The universe was bending to their will, it must have been for he had never felt so powerful and vulnerable at the same time. In this moment he knew he would never push her away again.

Their lips break apart but their bodies are still untangled together.

He buries his head in her shoulder and he for the first time since he was nine years old he openly sobs.

The cries are small and terribly beautiful. But they shake Kaz's very soul to the bone.

"Your alive, your alive." He breaths her in, still holding onto her waist never wanting to let her go.

She lifts his head and wips his tears away. She takes his hand and leads him to the bed.

"I won't leave you. Ever." The girl whispers as they lay together.

They just stay there, wrapped up into each other doing nothing else because - they weren't there yet. But they would be, one day.

"Promise me something." Y/n says as she turns to face him.

Kaz only nodes but holds her tighter to him.

"Try not to push me away again okay? I just can't go another day knowing the person I love-" She throws her hands over her mouth and tries to wiggle out of his grip.

"I love you too." He whispers in her ear, bringing her closer to him again. He know's the words will only ever me hers.

Y/n shoves her head into his chest, she let her hands go to his sides then her face turned into one of confusion.

"Kaz!" She says getting up out of his bed.

"You have a wound!" He grins guiltily and gets up after her.

"Stitch it up?"

A string of curses rung through the slat that night, and let me tell you. No one had ever talked like that. (And this was the barrel).

Words 1038

All rights go to Leigh Bardugo, Netflix and you! I just own the plot!

-thedelusionreaderbitch

#six of crows #Kaz brekker #Kaz brekker x reader #shadow and bone #grishaverse #one shot #wylan van sunshine #jesper fahey #nina zenik #inej ghafa #Matthias hevlar #fanfiction #crooked kingdom #fluff #angst #fanfic