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kazbrkker · 4 years

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Chapter 8: Second Chances

Chapter summary: Aftermaths of the Wolf’s escape & two painfully, oblivious pining idiots.

Warnings: mention of stitches, old scars. (3502 words)

28 October 2019, 2330 "Alexis" and "Alex" | Codename Aces CIA with SAS and Urzik militia Sakhra, Urzikstan

"Stop moving," Alia grumbled exasperatedly for the fifth time. Her nimble fingers were supposed to make stitching up Alexis' gnarly forehead gash easy—if she could stay still. Then again, nobody could sit still through that without anaesthetic.

Begging for a distraction, Alexis' teeth scraped against her pale lips and her fingernails subconsciously dup deeper into Farah's arm with every stitch.

"I don't know why you do this without painkillers," Alia mumbled absentmindedly, every movement meticulous. It went unanswered, for Alexis refused to supply the 16-year-old with more horror. A few more stitches later, the young girl leaned back and smiled.

Thank Heavens. High pain tolerance, sure, but needles... Alexis was wise enough to stay far away.

Alexis' impatiently patted the medical gauze, nodding at the decent patch-up. Of course the Marines had professional medics on deck, but when Alexis awoke, she felt responsible for Alia's red-rimmed eyes and loud sniffles. So, pain be damned.

Alia scowled, swatting her nosy hand, "No! Do you want an infection?"

"I am older than you," Alexis reminded.

"Yes. More stupid too."

Bewildered, her neck craned towards Farah, jaw-slacked at the commander's blatant shrug in agreement. Overwhelmed by the thunderous support, "This is a mutiny of some sorts..."

"Uh-oh, your boyfriend is coming," the young girl loudly announced. Her accusation reeled stares from closer bystanders.

Heat found its way to Alexis' cheeks, spreading under Farah and Alia's teasing grins. Dizziness soon trickled in, forcing her to blink rapidly in an attempt to concentrate past the nasty headache. "Alex is not my boyfriend."

"Did I say it was Alex?"

Farah huffed, bumping fists with the younger. The conniving duo displayed megawatt smiles when Alex and Kyle came into hearing distances. Holding a box of ration packs, Kyle gestured for them to take their pick. That knocked their smugness off.

Alex plopped beside her, eating out of his rations. "Tell me you feel better," he more than demanded, giving her battered state a once-over. His eyes lingered on her forehead.

"Am I supposed to lie?"

A shadow flickered past his face, "Should I bench you?"

"Yes, if you wish to die in your sleep," her quick movements to snatch away his wristwatch communicator intensified the pain. "Although blunt force trauma is not as deadly as this headache."

"Crack another joke and I'll deliver you to Price," Alex threatened at her lightheartedness. Though his menace soon faltered at her radiant grin.

"Boss is not in a good mood," Kyle chimed in.

"Mutiny..." Alexis mumbled. "Fine, no more jokes about concussions."

The group chatted about their game plan for tomorrow when a rude growling stomach sounded. It certainly didn't go unnoticed by Alex, who willingly gave up his rations. Packaged pasta had never tasted better, she mumbled gratefully, "Have I ever told you how amazing you are?"

Alex laughed, "Now I know you hit your head too hard."

"Would you be open to the idea of getting matching injuries?"

"Are you flirting with me?"

"No, it's just in season," Alexis shook her head, bemused. "Shut up and eat your veggies, you're giving me another headache."

The scorching look of triumph was clear in Farah and Alia's expressions and for the same reason, she purposefully evaded their eyes.

"I thought the CIA frowned upon dating in the circle?" Kyle asked casually.

The unexpectable question forced her to choke, coughing loud enough to render someone patting her back. Alexis flushed at his concern, aware of the stutter in his pats. Both CIA agents were red, and boy, were Farah and Alia having a field day.

Alexis prayed her face was the usual controlled indifference. This wasn't the first time someone mislabelled their friendship, so why was this suddenly a big deal? "Yup. They hate it."

Kyle's lips formed an 'o' upon realisation, "Sorry, I thought you two were..."

Alex cleared his throat, "That's a popular opinion."

"Maybe everybody has a point. You did call her baby–" Alia cheekily added.

You little...

Alexis gently slapped a hurried palm against her mouth, muffling the jocular giggles from the young woman. It didn't stop her from cheekily winking at the group. Other than the two in cynosure, the others wore matching grins.

Perhaps they were playing matchmakers, but right now, her priority was to dig herself a hole.

From the unreadable look on Alex's face, he felt the same. When Alia tried to wrestle out of her grips, she thought the reddish hue on his face was a figment of her imagination. Yet if it wasn't, he sure didn't spare her the glory with this knowledge, as his head swiftly lowered to observe the hardwood floor panels.

Witnessing him this taciturn was a rare sight. Before she could entertain her illusions that maybe her friends were onto something, Price yelled for Kyle.

The tension in the air snapped.

"Get some rest. We need energy to catch the Wolf tomorrow," Farah gave a friendly side hug, saving Alex from Alia's nagging reminders about her stitches. He replied with a salute.

And then there were two.

"She's awfully like you," Alex smiled. Spitfire personality, dauntless and stubborn.

"Hopefully not, I'm a horrible person," she joked wearily, eyes losing in a battle against the slurry languor that washed over her. Coupled with the splitting headache, she wrangled between climbing upstairs to find a bed or staying here. The latter almost won until she was hoisted up.

"Don't bother, you're not walking," came Alex's reply and she obliged. When she reopened her eyes, Alex had already sat her down a bed to unlace her boots. She carelessly slithered her sweaty top off her skin.

They squeezed into a tightly-confined shower, sighing in bliss as warm cascades of water enveloped them, splashing the warfare away. Her arms looped contentedly around Alex's neck as he started to wash her blood-crusted hair, careful to shield her head wound.

"Hi," Alex wore a suspicious smile.

She sighed, "Here we go."

"Damn right. You have an immaculate talent for making people worried."

"Why thank you..."

Goosebumps raised as he silkened down her arms, tracing the red streaks clearly shaped from her nails. The way his dark eyes fastened on her made her heartstrings twitch nervously, "You could have died."

She laughed humourlessly. "You think too little of me."

"I'm serious, never do that again. You run into anything you can't handle..."

"I had him under control," she retorted.

"Clearly not enough."

"The bastard got to me. My fault, okay? I messed up. I don't need another reminder," she snapped, and the hands in her hair stopped. "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"Sure you did," he nodded, not in the slightest offended. The fact that someone managed to one-up her caught his attention instead, "What did he say?"

Now Alexis suspected he could read minds. "Why did you think he said something?"

"Call it a hunch."

Alexis sighed, not fond to revisit her failure. "Alex..."

That was her warning, and he took it. "Just saying, I've never seen Price that worried."

She closed her eyes and shook her head dismissively, "He's just annoyed he'll have to answer to Maddox and Forbes. I'm a prized possession."

The cubicle echoed with their laughs.

Alex worked past the scars that littered her body, leaving trails of soap bubbles. He could pinpoint them with his eyes closed, yet with today's new additions, he had more to commit to memory. His thumb brushed over a spot on her upper right thigh, smirking at the slight shudder he induced but more so at the memory.

Was she nervous?

Hearing Alexis' hoarse voice confirmed his suspicions, "Remember this?"

"'course, you took a bullet for me," Alex said, still glazing over the raised bump.

August 2016, Brazil. 30 grand bounty over their heads. They played a dangerous game of cat and mouse with the entire city. A mercenary almost tore through his kneecaps until she knocked him out of the line of fire.

A charming smirk reappeared, "Few things say "I love you" like a bullet to a non-essential area."

She snorted, punching his chest. Cloudy mist floated around them, the water was too hot, almost scorching. Or maybe it was his warmth, she guessed. Her mind was foggy, only thinking how much endurance she had to not bask in the feeling of his coarse hands.

Then again, she was a soldier. Willpower was all she got.

Maybe not, her hormones decided. As hard as she tried to toss the raunchy thoughts, Alex made it difficult. Especially his arms... she was a real sucker for strong arms. The temperature was sweltering and with their bare bodies practically pressed together was not aiding.

"Switch," was all she said before she forcefully flipped them, leaving her under the running water—hoping it would clear her mind. Hasty fingers weaved in his wet hair, her turn to bathe him.

"Nasty scar," she picked up their conversation, "Scares people away."

"Maybe you should revaluate your definitions of a partner," Alex scoffed, "Scars are god damn sexy."

"In theory, I must be sexy as hell."

Hm. You have no idea.

The bullet scrap on her arm healed nicely by now—still an open wound, though it no longer hurt when she raised her arms. Useful to know, as she foamed his hair. Her gaze traced the numerous tattoos across Alex's body, eventually landing on his chest.

Her favourite tattoo of his—a butterfly.

Butterflies are the universe's proof that second chances exist, this stuck with her ever since she read that somewhere in a digest.

A similar tattoo rested along the sides of her ribcage, accompanied by an eye on top of it. The idea struck her when she finally made Lieutenant. It felt symbolic, a parting gift to her old life.

She always had a sneaking suspicion Alex wanted a matching tattoo but was too afraid or embarrassed to say it. He'd chat her ears off about parallel tattoos, as if she didn't pick up on it. So it was no surprise when one day, he suddenly showed up with a butterfly stuck on his chest.

It was a sweet gesture and thus made her way more resolute to not jeopardise their friendship. Tattoos were sacred to a man like Alex, who never stood a chance against Command. He'd make sure to find something he loved in every location he went, and inked it. His way of establishing control over his job—by remembering parts of the good.

Her finger skimmed past his butterfly before grabbing the showerhead to drown his hair clean. They were two people engrossed in good memories among warfare. And it felt liberating.

That was until she noticed he was looking at the prominent area on her chest.

Burnt flesh, the size of his palms, staring back at them.

The entire atmosphere shifted. A shiver of glacial magnitude rushed from her toes and her heart sank. The scar's jaggedness made her feel even more self-conscious.

Hot poker on her skin, an iron branding from the mob. If she closed her eyes, she could envision the exact scene. Fear not, if the mental baggage wasn't enough, there was a physical one.

"You deserve the best, you know that?" She didn't know which irked her more, the sympathy in his tone, or that he placed her on a pedestal.

I'm damaged goods, the thought fed her demons. So why do I deserve the best?

She peered at the man in front of her, every word earnest. He'd say it a million times and yet she wouldn't believe him.

Perhaps it was the head injury or hormones, but her eyes soon welled up with tears. Within seconds, what started out as small sniffs transformed into full streaks of tears. The tears blended into the stream of falling water but it was unmistakable.

The sight broke Alex's heart. Shattered it, really.

Silently, Alex switched off the faucet and dressed her. Every step jerked new tears that stained his bareback. At her quiet sobs, he berated what an idiot he was for reminding her.

The contact of soft mattress made her flinch. With tear-stained eyes, she gaped at the man who Omar Sulaman promised to kill and it almost made her whimper pathetically.

The malice thoughts stopped whispering when warm touch on her face descended her back to reality.

Alex.

"Yeah?" She hadn't realised she said it out loud.

"Stay with me," she implored. His head was already nodding, but it didn't satisfy her.

A hand shot out anxiously, "No, not this. You can't ever die on me." Her sudden request puzzled him. "Promise me."

"I promise," he said. "What happened, Alexan– Alexis?" Her birth name sat heavily on the tip of his tongue, almost escaping in his concern.

Over time, she'd built a reasonable resilience from Alex's relentless questionings, yet today her defenses lowered. "Back there... He said he'd kill you, he'll make me watch," she swallowed the rising bile. "And I let him go... Fuck."

Alexis felt like an utter failure. Not only did she fail to extract information about the stolen gas, but more people would suffer as a result of the Wolf's escape.

Losing the usual silver lining from her interrogations made her dangerously close to spiral out of control. In her mind, she unjustly tortured a man. And it was vile—even if that man was Omar Sulaman. Now, she found the line between her and her torturers blurred.

Though she didn't specify, Alex placed two and two together. "The Wolf?"

She merely nodded, still gripping his arm painfully like he'd slip away. The desperation her pleads carried haunted him.

"I'm going to fucking kill him," He saw red, only able to suppress his anger by making this promise. Without hesitation, he levelled their faces together, mumbling reassurance of I'm not going anywhere.

In the moonlight, Alex could still see the faint tint of pink that stained her nose—he compared it to the pink chrysanthemums he saw earlier today. How could anyone still look this enchanting while sobbing was a mystery to him, though he was staring right at the answer.

She never ceased to amaze him.

"I'm with you, okay? Always." This sentence never lost its genuineness. He'd do anything for her—the world begins and ends where she says so.

She felt his lips move against her ear, and her racing heart slowly composed itself from his assurance. Losing composure was uncommon for her, but even in this exception, she was sagacious enough to know the air between them had long changed.

Refusing to play host to her desire, her head stay lowered. She opted to wipe her tears and joked about how she didn't want his ghost to haunt her, hoping a distraction would alleviate her pounding heart.

Despite her prayers, Alex tilted her chin upwards to meet him, "Never happening."

They were so close. "Even when you're a ghost?"

"Mhm. I'm pretty hard to shake."

"You'd definitely be one of those annoying ghosts... With no sense of boundaries."

The magnetic allure of her lips called to him. On its own accord, his thumb ghosted ever so slightly over her parted lips, stealing a sharp breath from them both. They were dead silent.

And something in Alex warned him to reduce his voice to a whisper, afraid that he might scare this moment away, "Boundaries... You want it...?"

Everything was electrified. His touch, his gaze. Alexis worked hard not to crumble under his intense stare.

Then it happened, his gaze fell on her lips. She definitely didn't imagine that.

"Do you?" she deflected. Mildly embarrassed that her voice had the abraded texture of stone against stone.

Even when her lungs screamed for air, Alexis still forgot to breathe. She was busy listening to the angel and the devil warring inside her, pleading to her rationality. It was clear which side won when she closed her eyes.

Her world was pitch black. Senses put into overdrive. The touch along her jawline felt like it burned. She thought if this was what being set on fire felt like, she'd gladly pay the price.

His breath fanned across her nose. And then their noses touched.

Alexis felt horrible for her overworking heart, rapidly pumping oxygen to her brain—she certainly dared not to breathe, terrified to screw this up. Maybe there was a screeching voice inside her head, but it was fogged by her desires.

Tingles rushed through her when his lips brushed her own, the velvety feeling of it already so addictive. Alexis closed her eyes, waiting for the impact, and then–

A sharp knock forced them both apart.

She almost got whiplash from how fast she turned to the door, making her clutch her head in pain. The silhouette of Kyle Garrick stood in front of them, head still bowed while reading a prescription off a medicine tube.

"Nero- no, Neosporin," he cluelessly recited. "Antibiotic cream." When Kyle finally raised his head, a look of doubt crossed his face upon the flustered duo.

He awkwardly tossed the tube to Alex. "Okay... Weird vibe. Alia said to apply it or else."

"Thanks, Garrick," Alexis grimaced at her slightly pitchy voice, "Um. Get some rest, yeah?"

"Mhm. As you were..."

The door closed after him. Tensed at the shuffling sounds behind her, her brain replayed the scene much to her protest.

"Still want me to stay?" Alex said in a low voice. She hadn't realised she was still staring at the empty doorway.

What was that? She never loathed her noisy thoughts more than this moment. Oh fucking fuck, shit. I'm so stupid.

No... Why am I embarrassed? He initiated the stupid kiss! She reasoned, digging for some form of consolation to find the courage to snap around, preparing herself for what might come next. But she wasn't expecting the smug smile he so proudly wore. She then wondered if she should feel relieved or nervous.

But as a wave of dizziness forced her to grab a handful of bedsheets, she inwardly spoke gratitude that she didn't have to decide.

What was this? What were they, really? Too many questions and too little answers.

"Come on, it's past your bedtime," Alex pulled her back into the bed and started to administer the medication on her cheek wounds. Today was already a heck of a day, and with the soothing circles rubbed into her skin, she surrendered to her tiredness.

"Night..."

Upon her steady breathing, Alex tossed the tube across the room and it landed accurately on his vest with a soft thud. His finger outlined a path from her forehead and hovered hesitantly above her lips. The very same one he should have already felt.

Thanks, Garrick.

A frustrated sigh escaped him, loud enough to make Alexis nuzzle deeper into him, an arm draped over his waist.

He laid back down, replaying their scenes from earlier. A bolt of lightning might as well strike him now—maybe that would explain the bursting feeling in his chest.

"Wow," he mouthed in realisation. "I'm a damn idiot."

Years ago when she tipsily ended up on his doorstep desperate for him to take the pain away, he willingly obliged. No denials that he had the biggest selfish reason to say yes.

Fuck, it was a strange feeling to finally get all that he dreamt of. That night, he was too busy planning a confession in his head to sleep. But by dawn, the demons inside him questioned if he truly deserved someone like Alexis.

Someone like her? For him? It was too good to be true. His mind raced with the "What ifs?"

"What if our jobs clashed?"

"What if I put her in danger?"

"What fucking if the long distance fucks everything up?"

Their friendship would be in shreds. And she was one of the– the most important person in his life. No way would he lose her.

So he pushed her away—looked her in the eyes and lied. For Heaven's sakes, he wanted to punch himself. And he knew he made the right decision because when their friendship took a hit for a few weeks, the loneliness was unparalleled.

He didn't want to feel that way again. Ever.

Alex might have kept their friendship, but at the cost of everything. He liked to picture how different things would have been, if not for his cowardice. He thought about it frequent enough to imprint a permanent gnaw in his heart.

Now, here it was. A bloody second chance. His second chance.

Alex peered down to the butterfly tattoo on his bare chest, smiling. The universe's proof, alright, he whispered, "Gotcha."

The night ended with Alex falling into dreams of the woman he loved.

‧͙⁺˚*·༓

a/n: they're such stupid fools... & omg i hate this chapter so much idek. btw what do yall think alexis’ real name is?

taglist: @flyboidameron @wanderlustgiant (wanna be tagged? lmk!)

#call of duty x oc #call of duty x reader #alex modern warfare #cod alex #echo 3-1 #john price #captain price #kyle garrick #farah karim #hadir karim #kate laswell #oc: alexis #fanfiction #call of duty #modern warfare #ysrwrites: kl #please read tw carefully #killer instinct

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1221

Are you mad at your best friend right now? I have absolutely no reason to be angry with Angela now and certainly not since our last petty childhood fight in like, 2009.

Do you know anybody with a pet snake? I used to know somebody, but she’s since gone off the radar and idek if her pet snake would still be alive at this point.

Do you buy your underwear in a pack or seperately? I can go either way.

Have you ever made fun of anybody and later became their friend? OMG yesss this was the entire background of my friendship with Sofie. Though I wouldn’t say I made fun of her...I just found her really annoying at first, and quite ditzy, too. Then something just clicked and worked out along the way and we ended up being best friends for quite some time until we went our separate ways shortly after college life started.

Is the lamp on in the room you're in? Yes; it’s one of my favorite pieces in my room.

Do you have a pair of shoes that you can only wear with one or two outfits? Nah, not really. I mostly own sneakers, which can go with most things casual.

Is there any drink that you absolutely MUST drink cold? Most drinks, honestly; but mainly, I like my coffee and water cold.

Did you sleep in past noon today? I don’t think I’ve ever done that. The latest I’ve woken up is probably a little over 10.

Did your grandma ever tell you about her love life? Neither of them have.

Have you ever painted anybody's nails aside from your own? Possibly, but I no longer recall it.

Anything exciting happening in the month of September? I don’t think so. There are couple of birthdays in the family, but we don’t have plans for those days yet.

Who is your last missed call from? Some media or blogger I ignored because I don’t take calls.

When was the last time you ate Frosted Flakes? I can’t remember...I don’t really eat cereal.

Did you ever NOT want a substitute in a certain class? Yeah, for classes I hated, like math.

Do you ever donate to the less fortunate? Not regularly. When a homeless person or street child knocks on my car while waiting in traffic I do try to give them some money and/or snack, if I have one in my bag.

Did you buy an American flag after 9/11 to put on your car/house/ whatever? I was barely conscious in 2001. I am also not American.

Do you know any songs that are older than you are? ...Many?

Are there framed pictures of you anywhere in your house? Yeah we have some framed photos going up the staircase. I also have my Prep graduation portrait up in my room.

Compared to other people of your age would you be considered 'NORMAL'? Ugh.

Honestly, do you have any Hilary Duff on your MP3 player? I don’t have an MP3 player but I don’t think I ever had Hilary Duff on any of my music players.

Who is worst in your family about calling people back? Probably Nina as she hates making calls to begin with.

Do you like peanut M&M's? Nah, I hate nuts in my chocolate.

When was the last time you had an ice cream sandwich? Safe to say well over a year ago. It’s not my snack of choice haha I never understood why I had to bite into my ice cream.

When was the last time you ate jelly beans? August 2019.

When was the last time you had hot chocolate? Around a month ago, I’d say? My mom fixes me a mug of hot choco every once in a while.

Have you ever caught a friend cheating on their bf/gf? I haven’t.

What was the last song stuck in your head? I think it had been Rain by BTS.

Do you enjoy doing math? If I know how the math works and have the formulas memorized, I can definitely find it fun. Math had actually been pretty manageable for me in school, at least right until we reached trig and calc which were just bleck.

Do you think your mom has secrets she’s never told you? Oh without a doubt. I’m 200% sure everyone in the family has secrets we never share; we’re not open with each other.

Do you own anything you don’t want your parents to know about? Yes.

Do you pose in your pictures or just smile? I will pose if I’m comfortable but most of the time I just smile.

Are there any colors you will NOT wear? I avoid orange as much as possible.

Do you use scented soap in the shower? Nah, just a normal-scented one.

Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? That was never part of my plans, no.

Who was the last person you danced with? Enjoyable? Angela and Hans. I was drunk, so yes I had fun lol.

Do you like convertibles? I don’t really care for them, or for cars in general.

Have you ever yelled at the television? So many times, usually when a favorite singer or band is performing OR when I’m watching a really intense sports game - usually basketball or wrestling.

How many songs on your MP3 player are about sex? -

Do you like water parks? I think they are nasty for the most part.

Dark or light colored jeans? Light.

Can you take apart a computer and name all the parts? Nope.

Can you take apart a car and name all the parts? Even more so no.

Would your friends describe you as nerdy? I don’t think they would.

How many different colors are you wearing right now? Five.

Have you ever purchased a lotto ticket? Nope.

Are you double-jointed anywhere? I am not.

What is the longest amount of time you've spent playing Monopoly? You know, I’ve never even understood the rules of Monopoly...I’ve never bothered to play a round of it. Board games are usually too complicated for me lol.

Have you ever witnessed a tornado first-hand? Not a tornado, no. But I’ve experienced countless hurricanes and floods.

Did you play in the sand box as a kid? It was my favorite part of the playground and I was always exclusively found in a sandbox. I liked the texture (still do) + no one was ever there, so as a shy kid it worked out perfectly for me.

How about on the monkey bars? I tried it every now and then but I wasn’t a very active kid, so my arms would feel strained fairly quickly. It was never the first thing I’d run to whenever I got to go to the playground.

Have you ever made an alarm go off? I don’t think so.

Have you ever colored your eyebrows? Nope.

Did you ever own a pop-up book? Many of them, as a kid.

Have you ever honked at a biker? Yes but only whenever they swerve a little bit and are about to hit my car.

Have you ever taken another person's prescribed medication? No?

Have you ever played golf (not miniature golf)? No, I’ve played neither version. The sport doesn’t interest me.

Do you use gel in your hair? Only for formal events where I can’t afford to show up with my hair all frizzy.

Do you own a garden gnome? We don’t.

Are any of the rooms in your house painted blue? Nope, they’re all white. My parents’ room used to be green (came with the house), but it looked gross so it didn’t take long before they hired someone to paint the walls white.

Do you kick off your shoes as soon as you walk in the door? Yes. Actually, since the start of COVID, we’ve taken to removing our shoes even before we enter. We have a mat right by the front door where we can properly take off our shoes and head inside already barefoot.

Have you ever judged a book by its cover? Sometimes, but I don’t let it linger.

What is the most effective device at the gym? I don’t go to the gym.

Can you drive a stick shift? Hahahaha no, and I’m not so sure I’m ever willing to learn.

Have you ever picked on a substitute teacher? That’s mean and no, I haven’t.

How good are you at giving directions? Terrible. As much as possible I don’t do it and just refer the person asking to my nearest friend/companion.

When was the last time you looked out the window nearest you? Just a few minutes ago, actually. I put an arm out to check if it’s chilly outside since it rained all day today.

Have you ever got dressed with the windows open? Never. I make sure to pull down my blinds every time.

Have you ever given a foot massage? No.

Do public restrooms freak you out? They don’t freak me out per se but like I rarely go into them and use them, even before Covid. The idea of sharing a toilet with strangers is super gross lol and many of them don’t even put away their trash properly.

Have you ever taken a shower outside? I may have, but nothing sticks out.

Have you ever been to a junkyard? I don’t think so.

What do you think of Brad Pitt? I don’t really have an opinion...I loved his episode on Friends, but that’s it.

Have you ever watched the History Channel willingly? Yes, a few times.

Have you ever used pennies to pay for something that cost over 50 cents? I don’t speak US currency, but yeah there’ve been around 1-2 times I had to pay for something worth P50 with just coins. It’s always been embarrassing lol so I try to avoid it and be prepared with paper bills as much as I can.

If a place makes you pay for delivery - do you still tip the driver? Yes.

Without the aid of a cell phone - do you know your parents numbers by heart? Just my mom’s. Since my dad is always in and out of the country (at least until the pandemic), I’ve never gotten to memorize his number.

Can you name 10 former presidents? Arroyo, Macapagal, Aquino, another Aquino, Estrada, Ramos, Magsaysay, Quirino, Quezon, Roxas.

But if we’re talking about US presidents...Obama, Trump, Clinton, Roosevelt, another Roosevelt I believe, Nixon, Reagan, Carter, Lincoln, Washington. I hope I got them right hahaha.

Have you ever bought a gift for a teacher? Just as a kid.

Is your bedroom carpeted? Nope.

Right now, what color is your tongue? Pink.

When was the last time you had a Tootsie Pop? Years ago. I don’t have it a lot.

If you could get the cell phone of your choice - what would it be? iPhone 12 Pro Max.

Who is your favorite super hero? I don’t have any.

How about your favorite villain? I don’t really have any, either.

Do you know anybody who works at a bank? Possibly, but I can’t place a name right now.

What do you usually order from your favorite fast food place? That would be KFC, and I usually order either their Zinger or Twister. FUCK now I want to get KFC :((

Do you hand out candy to kids on Halloween? No, because none of them ever reach this part of the village. We never have to prepare any candy lol.

What perfume/cologne do you wear the most? Heat Rush.

Can you name all 7 dwarfs? I always miss out on one or two.

Does the early bird really catch the worm? Idk what this expression is.

#survey #surveys

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incarnateirony · 4 years

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*Sits down at desk*

*calmly files through books in front of a fireplace to classical music* *glances up at the camera* Oh, hello. *demurely pulls off glasses*

What makes a rights movement work? Is it the dialogue? The discourse? The trolling?

Tonight, I thought I’d tell you a little story and let you decide.

---

...*just looks to Good Omens fandom* So we have... *flips through* An accepted canon queer pairing between two leads, with no rival ships. The singular author has been receptive to queer readings, as has both of the actors, even if one clarified he doesn’t “play it like that.” But by authorial support, vague as it was, it was canon.

...*flips channel to season 10 supernatural fandom* So here we have an accusation of queerbait between two leads with a similar story, with several major rival ships. Of the multiple authors, several have been supportive, many silent, one actor said he plays it like that, the other clarified he doesn’t. Antis, often rival-shippers, heckled. Cas was a villain, not a friend.

*Plays through til’ Season 12 - 3 seasons ago - “doesn’t exist”* *1997 popup spam*

... *flips channel to season 13 supernatural fandom* So here we have antis having a panicked discussion about how Dabb could canonize Destiel without any sort of admission or physical engagement for it to be valid, while admitting at the actor that used to say he didn’t play it seems okay with it now, as well as it becoming an official marketing line, which they later denied. They mutually aired at Cas not even being cared for in public, while saying Dean cared more about him than Sam in their own lane. (x) (x) (x) (x) I mean, between them screaming at How Dare They Pander With The 13.05 Ending Being Romantically Shot. But everyone forgot that I guess.

*flips to season 14* Let’s see, genderswap, identical but truncated couple, same landmarks... no rivals... *checks box* cool, everyone sees canon.

...*flips to season 15 fandom* *gestures at the everything, including the storytelling style they described that could be used to be amply canon by time flashbacks and Cas’ death*

*looks at parts of shipping fandom trying to argue with season 10 anti fandom takes, but simultaneously repeating them*

*looks at season 13 anti fandom*

*files through recently sanitized anti walls that went on their third rage tear about the show being pandered by being romantic, since the current showrunner turn over* *clicks channel* “Destiel is real” - Jensen *menu flip* “Sam has better taste/Dean has no taste--” *clicks next* “domestic dispute--” --Jensen after filming 15.09 *clicks* “Our characters would be fucking [on another network]” --Misha after 15.09 *clicks to major media channel* “Breakup” - TVG *flips through other multiple TVG Destiel ads over to Variety* Relationship-- *flips across to soap opera reporters* 15.03 Dark point in the romance-- *flips to extrafanon, nonprofessional hubs* Hm, apologies for viewing it with a heteronormative lens until now from nonshippers that usually don’t cover the show, while fandom hangs itself on its own hubs in precarious silence or refusal to address the most challenging material. Alright.

*flips to modern marketing* Hm, DeanCas commercials *clicks* Oh right, that official Join The Hunt Destiel shirt that was printed and tagged and receipted like that, that they tried to tantrum offline *clicks* OH right that OTHER Destiel canon pride shirt that Stands just HAPPENED to make this year.

*turns off television* *blinks* *rubs brows*

*tents fingers*

So at some very bizarre point, things have seemed to switch around here.

At one point, Destiel fandom was avid that the romance mattered more than the physicality, even for canonicity. They, themselves, pointed out how homophobic and double-standard it was to demand a kiss when not all hetero couples need them to be valid. But admittedly, back then, the subtext pool was shallow. A veneer placed by a few key authors.

And yet today, while antis scream in waves, their own predictions and fears of how Dabb would handle Destiel coming true, their own “kiss or it doesn’t count” logic (presented only to positive fandom, of course, with the above links of their conversations among themselves where they knew that didn’t matter) seems to have transmitted like a disease rused in representation battles but in the name of arguing with them, of validating them, of giving them any sort of relevance in a show that overtly mocks them and while they riot and fit and convulse and delete and recant opinions, spewing things they don’t even believe anymore (above links.)

it's LITERALLY the same tactics as in Trump politics, where they just flood bullshit they don't even believe to keep people elevating them having any relevance at all in the conversation and distracting them from the actual core conversation/content. Disseminating misinformation and confusion to the conversation. Hell, going so far as to spend months building fake blogs to integrate to the culture and later spread bullshit (which was its own comedy act in the end)

Also the same tactic TAW used to try to inflate completely made up bullshit bad PR about Mish by getting well meaning fans of his floating the conversation by defending him and keeping it in the public eye. ITS THE SAME SHIT.

And yet here we are, with this fandom’s version of alt right dialogue having infected its respective progressive left, with tinhats instead of redhats vaguely yelling about Dabbama and spewing pointless self-defeating nonsense, but at some point -- somehow these fandom MSGAhats managed to successfully implant their ideology in the fandom and convince supporters of Team GreenBlue their active deletion of the content that these antis, themselves, once qualified as terrible potential canons, that are now very real -- that the deletion of this is what makes progressive dialogue.

Their nature is contrarian. Contrarian to TPTB Contrarian to canon Contrarian to other fans Contrarian to themselves

TPTB are already ignoring them. Oh my bad, BLOCKING. Some have gone past muting into BLOCKING them. Canon doesn't care

If fans would stop humoring all fuckin 50 of them they'd only have themselves to be contrarian with.

Humoring them also includes internalizing their hilarious dialogues as anything worth two fucking pennies much less anything to contend with or prove or meet their clown bars of

Oh and while I'm thinking about it: As recently as S13, antis were still trying to pretend it was a reasonable opinion that "Cas isn't family, or friend, Dean doesn't care about him at all, much less Sam" In a year and a half they slid to "THEY'RE ONLY BEST FRIENDS NOT LOVERS!"

Seriously. Now take the absurdism of the S13 scenario Turn your scope into the current scenario Realize how every big publication has been addressing this shit And here we are! The new absurdism is, deadass, denying it. And convincing other fans that they somehow need to prove the flagrantly obvious, just like season 13~ with Cas' importance to the family. Just like any other intentionally daft way they suck up air and kilobits while frothing more than a rabid dog.

It's this weird mewling whimper, already settling down all of their values but desperately, hoping in this giant publicly visible homo tornado that the media itself is commenting on, that somehow, they can convince the GA who can't hear them anyway that it ain't gay. But somehow having convinced the rest of the fandom, now, that a stupid ridiculous-ass viewpoint this fandom used to know better than needing or demanding (rather than wanting or desiring, or encouraging) is needed to "prove" something to a GA that... *turns TV back on and files through the channels* ...Thheyyyyyyyyyy seem to be getting it better than shipping fandom right now, actually.

Stop internalizing horse shit and letting it redirect your activism like a damn political bot.

Unless, I don’t know-- unless you decided, with all of this -- since I did say you could decide -- that this remaining absurdity in the fandom is actually any kind of activism rather than trained demolition of your own content.

Grand as their self-contradictory public facade is, what I wouldn’t pay to be a fly on their GC walls to see their nega-clowning panic right now.

You know that goddamn meme republicans pass around where they or Trump just need to say the dumbest shit possible to make “stupid libs” chase the cat laser? THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT THIS FANDOM HAS LET THESE FUCKING IDIOTS DO TO THEM FOR YEARS TO THE POINT Y’ALL HAVE STARTED ARGUING THE OPPOSITE OF WHERE YOU STARTED.

#supernatural #destiel #lgbtqia #representation #fandom

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letmetellyouaboutmyfeels · 4 years

Note

flogan enemies to lovers college roommates au tho

I am so sorry that it’s taken me so long to get to this prompt, nonny! I was very excited to tackle it. Mwahaha. Have some stupid pining idiots below the cut, this time in college together!

Not everyone got along well with their college roommate, it was true. That was why, hopefully, you only had to put up with them for a year, or even just one semester depending on how much you bribed the student housing office. But few roommates had clashed so instantly and spectacularly as Wyatt Logan and Garcia Flynn.

Wyatt was from a relatively small town in Texas, and was only in college to follow his girlfriend, Jess, who wanted to be an investigative reporter. He was white, cocky, and thought James Bond was the height of cinema. Flynn was an international student from the newly-formed Croatia, had already fought in a war, and possessed the opinion that if men learned to shut up every once in a while, the world would probably benefit.

The fact that both he and Wyatt had been forced to grow up too early, too soon, had both had complicated relationships with fathers who were now dead, and both were World War II nerds (Flynn because of his father, Wyatt because of Ian Fleming) didn’t seem to matter to them. The entire dorm knew when Wyatt and Flynn were at hammer and tongs, because Wyatt and Flynn both lacked volume control.

“Would it fucking kill you to clean up your shit!? When was the last time you did laundry!?”

“It’s all on my side of the room, dipshit, so I don’t see why you’re complaining.”

“If you blast your fucking country music while I’m trying to study, I will ram this book on the history of the Bolshevik Wars down your throat.”

“That’s pretty fucking rich coming from the guy who practices his debate points out loud at two in the goddamn morning...”

On, and on, and on. The freshman RA had been asked several times to try and intervene, but Flynn was 6′4″ and looked like he murdered people in his spare time as a stress-reliever before exams, so it was rather hard to talk to him about anything. Wyatt, meanwhile, would just go bright red and mutter that it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t start this, so really, it was a lost cause to try and intervene.

Then Jess broke up with Wyatt over Thanksgiving break, and things got really bad.

“Are you ever going to get out of bed?” Flynn mused. “Or are you going to lie there until you slowly die?”

“Like you’d care,” Wyatt huffed back. So what if he’d been in bed for the last three days?

Jess was all he had. The only good thing about his hometown, and his only friend here at college. He’d come here for her, and she’d had the audacity to break up with him!?

“I’ll care when your corpse starts to stink,” Flynn noted.

Wyatt didn’t even bother to flip him off. Flynn was a pain in his fucking ass but at least, he supposed, Flynn paid attention to him. Texas A&M was big, and it was easy to get lost in the crowd. He wasn’t sure his professors would even notice if he didn’t show up for class.

He did end up staying in bed for three days. Not that it was a big deal. The post-Thanksgiving classes were a joke, anyway. Everyone was too busy cramming for exams before winter break.

...winter break, where he now had nowhere to go. He’d been planning to go home to Jess’s house with her, but... yeah. He’d probably just stay on campus. Great.

On the third day, he was woken up by Flynn dumping a box on his chest. “What the fuck!?”

“Eat,” Flynn growled, and then he walked back out of the room.

Wyatt examined the box. It was a takeout box from the campus dining hall, and the food did smell good...

Ugh, fine, okay. He’d eat it.

Flynn returned about five hours later, dumped another box on his lap, took away the first one, and then did homework silently. Wyatt glared at Flynn’s back, but if Flynn noticed, he didn’t say anything.

This process was repeated the next day, only with the addition of a bottle of water.

Wyatt watched, suspicious, as Flynn worked on his essay. “Are you fattening me up for slaughter?”

“Nonsense, you know I stick to a strict diet of children,” Flynn replied.

Wyatt told himself the sarcasm wasn’t funny.

Sometime that night, Wyatt woke up to find Flynn still working at his desk. That wasn’t unusual, but Wyatt could’ve sworn the book that Flynn was using as a reference was a biology book, and Flynn wasn’t taking biology. Wyatt was, as one of his mandatory science credits.

He rolled over and went back to sleep.

On the fifth day of this, Wyatt woke up because Flynn was dragging him out of bed by the ankles. “What the fuck!?”

“You stink,” Flynn replied, letting go of Wyatt’s ankles only to grab him by the wrist and haul him to his feet. “You’re taking a shower.”

“I am doing jack shit--hey!” Wyatt yelped as Flynn proceeded to hook his arms under Wyatt’s and then bodily haul him down the hallway, then throw him into the bathroom. Shampoo, conditioner, and soap were tossed in after him.

Wyatt noted that these were not his shampoo, conditioner, and soap. He actually didn’t know where those were. He took a shower, since he suspected marching back into his room to yell at Flynn would only result in Flynn hauling him back into the shower, and the guy was really fucking strong, so. Path of least resistance and all that.

He smelled like Flynn when he got out of the shower, which he told himself was not a good thing, even though it did something weird to his stomach. The odd behavior didn’t stop there, either--when he got back, he saw that his bed had been stripped down and his side of the room had been cleaned up.

“Where’s my stuff?” he asked, squinting at Flynn, who was reading a book on the golden age of piracy and looking far too pleased with himself.

“Put away, where it’s supposed to be. Your bedsheets are in the laundry.”

Wyatt’s face heated up. “I didn’t ask for your help, you know.”

“Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.” Flynn’s accent got a little thicker when he was pissed, and Wyatt would die before admitting he liked it. Flynn snapped his book shut. “Whether you asked for it or not, genius, you needed it.”

“Oh, I needed it. Right. Like a guy can’t take a few days off.”

“You weren’t eating, you weren’t showering, you were lying in bed.” Flynn’s voice had a dangerous edge to it, one that Wyatt had never heard before. “That’s not taking a few days off, Wyatt, that’s depression.”

“I’m not depressed.”

“If it honks like a duck and walks like a duck and...”

“Is that some kind of Croatian saying?”

“Oh, fuck you.” Flynn stood up, tossing the book aside. “Excuse me for trying to save your fucking life.”

“Maybe I didn’t want my life saved!” Wyatt snapped back, and oh, oh that was a little more real than he’d meant it to be.

Flynn didn’t look away, just kept those intense eyes on him, Flynn was always so intense and Wyatt could never really handle it, he always had to look away, except this time he couldn’t.

“My mom got like that,” Flynn said at last. “After my dad died. I... I didn’t know how to handle it. His death, or her. So I did something... stupid, I lied about my age and I signed up for the war.”

He huffed out a sardonic chuckle. “That snapped her out of it, all right. But not the way I’d hoped. I always told myself if I got another chance, I’d do better. I’d help the person the right way.”

Wyatt felt something inside of him crack open, like someone was finally looking at him and understood. “I don’t have anyone,” he admitted. “Other than Jess. I don’t... I’ve got no one. No plan. Nothing I want. Nothing I care about.”

“We’ll find you something,” Flynn said.

“Yeah, sure.” Wyatt snorted.

“We will,” Flynn repeated, and he sounded so annoyingly decided about it, that Wyatt kind of believed him.

They didn’t really talk further about... all that, not until a week later when they were both on the tail end of an all-nighter. Flynn had, as Wyatt suspected, been doing Wyatt’s homework for him while Wyatt was down for the count, but Flynn had taken pains to hide it so Wyatt didn’t thank him. He suspected Flynn didn’t want to be thanked.

That night, though, he was a bit buzzed from the caffeine and lack of sleep, and there’d been a thought annoying him at the back of his brain for a while. “Y’know something that’s... it shouldn’t annoy me but it does?”

“Hmm?” Flynn replied. They were sitting on Flynn’s bed, Flynn opposite him, their legs stretched out so that Wyatt’s feet were kind of in Flynn’s lap and vice versa. Flynn put down his book and made a go on gesture.

“Jess said a lot of shit, and I’m starting to think she was right.” Wyatt put his notebook and pencil aside. “Yeah, I thought about myself and not her, I never listened, I’ve got some shit to work out, but...” This was so fucking embarrassing. “She said I was bad in bed, and for some fucking reason that’s what I keep focusing on.”

Flynn stared at him. “That’s what...”

“Yeah, I know it’s stupid, you don’t have to tell me.”

Flynn cocked his head a little, and did that thing when he was thinking where he’d run his tongue over his bottom lip. It made Wyatt feel oddly hot and achey when Flynn did that. “I think I know why.”

“Oh, great, what, were you spying on us or something...”

“No, moron, I just know you.”

“Fine, then what’s the problem? If you’re such an expert on me.” Wyatt felt like he was stepping out onto thin ice and daring Flynn to do it with him, trying to get them both to plunge into icy water.

Flynn opened his mouth, paused, then said, “Kiss me.”

Wyatt could feel his eyes going wide. “What!?” It came out strangled, and there was no explanation for the way his stomach swooped.

Flynn rolled his eyes. “It’s better if I just show you, okay? C’mon, prove Jess wrong.”

“But...” I’m not gay.

The thought of kissing Flynn, though, had him hot all over, just like when he’d thought about kissing Jess. He’d been horny and fidgety all day when he’d taken a shower with Flynn’s stuff and smelled like him, smelled Flynn on him all day, and that... that wasn’t how you were about guys you didn’t...

“Nobody knows about this, okay?” Wyatt huffed, obligingly crawling across the bed. “Or you’re dead.”

“You think I want everyone knowing about this?” Flynn snapped back. “God made you all pretty and no brains, fucking hell.”

You think I’m pretty? Wyatt thought, but like fuck was he gonna say that out loud, so he just kissed Flynn before he could dig himself an even bigger hole.

Flynn almost immediately made a knowing, displeased noise, and slid his hand around the back of Wyatt’s head to fist in his hair. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” he said, and Wyatt was about to demand what the hell that meant, except Flynn kissed him again. And this time, Flynn was in control.

Wyatt found himself pushed back until he was flat on his back on the bed, grabbing onto Flynn’s shoulders to keep himself steady as Flynn sealed his mouth over Wyatt’s. Jesus Christ, he’d always kind of assumed that Flynn had never done anything since Flynn’s schedule consisted of class, homework, and annoying Wyatt, but at some point Flynn had obviously gotten some action because the man knew what the fuck he was doing.

The odd thing was, Wyatt... liked this. Not just kissing Flynn, although that was, um, a hell of a something, but the fact that Flynn was the one calling the shots. He coaxed Wyatt into whatever it was he wanted Wyatt to do, he chose when to pull away and to plunge back in, and he forcibly held Wyatt in place when he decided to kiss along Wyatt’s neck and jaw instead, forcing Wyatt to shake and whine because it felt so fucking good and he couldn’t do anything about it.

“See,” Flynn rumbled at last, when Wyatt was a wreck and felt like his brain was leaking out his ears. “You keep trying to be in control and just do whatever you want. And it doesn’t sit right, does it? You like it better when the other person’s the one in charge.”

Every inhale felt like fire in his lungs. Wyatt just nodded dumbly, words kind of out of the question.

“Feels like you’re in charge because that’s how it’s supposed to be, right?” Flynn went on. He shifted slightly and Wyatt could feel the weight of him and he nearly lost his entire mind. “Not because that’s actually how you want it to be. If you’d let Jess be in charge, more, I bet you both would’ve liked it better. You can’t do something properly if you’re not really enjoying it.”

Wyatt had to admit, showing him had been the better option. If Flynn had said all this before the making out, Wyatt would’ve gotten angry and refused to listen to him.

Flynn started to pull away, which dragged his body against Wyatt’s, and Wyatt whimpered helplessly. A voice that sounded very much like his dad’s was screaming at him that this was disgusting, wrong, perverted, but at the same time it felt so good, Flynn felt good, and Wyatt didn’t want Flynn to stop.

Besides, he was safe with Flynn. Flynn took care of him.

“You should show me other stuff,” Wyatt blurted out, before he lost his courage. “Y’know, I mean, only if you really want.”

Flynn’s eyes bore into him, hot and searching, and for the first time Wyatt wasn’t afraid to stare right back, match Flynn’s gaze.

After an agonizing moment, Flynn moved forward again, putting all of his weight down on Wyatt this time, settling between Wyatt’s legs, and oh fuck, Wyatt could feel Flynn, hard and hot, up against where Wyatt himself was pretty damn compromised.

“If I really want,” Flynn echoed, sarcasm lacing his voice.

Wyatt nodded. He got daring, spreading his legs a little farther, arching up a bit.

Flynn’s eyes looked black.

Flynn kissed him again, and this time, they didn’t come up for air.

The rest of the dorm still got to know when Wyatt and Flynn were at it, just for an entirely different reason. Because Wyatt still lacked volume control.

#mads answers things #mads writes stuff #timeless #timeless fanfic #flogan #flogan fanfic #li'l ficlet

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anonymuseing · 4 years

Text

Do Your Research, Karen

Reading a chain email that is signed off as "Dr. Capellini, Ph.D" or whatever is not 'doing [your] research', Karen. Anyone can type 'Dr.' in front of their name followed by the PhD letters or whatever. I could sign off on this post as 'Dr. Tumblr' but that doesn't mean I am an actual doctor or that I have a PhD or whatever.

Watching the news is not 'doing [your] research', Karen. Watching the news is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to doing your due diligence.

If you want to do your research, start by checking out "Dr. Capellini"--where did they get their Ph.D? Not just where they say they got it ('cuz lying on the internet is easy), but go to the post-secondary institution that they're citing and check if their name is anywhere on the alumni list. Ask around, see if there's proof from the institution that a "Dr. Capellini" got their degree there. Even better--what was their degree in? If their degree was in Computer Science and the chain email is talking about Covid-19 then that should be a red flag. Computer Science deals with viruses--of the technological kind. Their area of expertise has very little to do with Covid-19 and human health. Turning it off and then back on again is a good strategy for computers--but going to sleep and waking up again is not going to save you from Covid-19 (though, getting more rest and reducing your stress levels and panic over everything is probably good for your health overall). Use your common-sense, Karen. You wouldn't go to a Doctor for a trojan virus on your computer (from reading up on too much click-bait, potentially)--don't go to a self-proclaimed Computer Scientist for your health concerns.

Where has "Dr. Capellini" published their work? Most Ph.D people have their work published in academic journals. You are trying to look into whether or not you can trust this "Dr. Capellini"--so see what research they have done, where it's been published, and look into whether or not the journals their work has been published in are proper sources. A twitter post is not a scholarly source--anyone can make crap up and post on twitter. If "Dr. Capellini's" only 'published work' is through twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or emails or whatever, then they have 0 credentials and I'd be more inclined to say they're a liar or a scammer, and most definitely a troll than I would be so inclined to call them "Doctor" unironically.

'Research' means fact-checking. It doesn't just mean "look at all the institutions (magazines, internet followers, etc.) that have this plastered on them". Fact-checking means taking what someone says and doing your best to find out whether or not it's likely to be true. Having a few thousand subscribers doesn't mean a few thousand people stand by the statement as true--and even if they do, it's possible for a few thousand random internet people (and bots/dummy accounts) to be tricked into believing a lie. Look into the institutions that are standing behind the statement or "Dr. Capellini"--do they have a reputation for truth-telling? Do they have a history of sensationalism and retracted/redacted statements and publications? It's possible for a majority of humanity to believe in something not very correct (via not having the knowledge, or willfully rejecting proof to the contrary)--look up geocentrism and flat-earth-theory if you want examples (and to brush up on your 'researching', Karen).

Good High Schools will be teaching this, and it's basically a requirement in post-secondary--learning what 'research' entails. Proper research means looking into as many different viewpoints on a topic as possible and figuring out as best you can what can be believed. Doing research even at the undergrad level means including a "limitations" section in your paper where you mention some theories/articles/opinions/findings or whatever that are contrary to what you've set out to prove or to persuade people on. Good research is usually written in a "If A and B are true, then C. BUT...(and here's the limitations)...C is dependent on whether A or B are true. If A or B or both are false, then my entire paper/argument goes out the window. And there are some theories that suggest A or B are false...BUT I decided to write with the belief that A and B are true because...[good, solid, reasons--even 'there was more evidence/papers written proving A and B as true', or even just 'in the ideal scenario that I wish to address, A and B are true--so for the purposes of my paper I, as the researcher, am choosing to write with the belief that A and B are true]". A scholarly, persuasive piece worth it's salt is usually written in a passive tone--even if the research knows their theory is 100% correct, they'll probably still write passively and include a "but there are somet that believe the contrary". Good research isn't written in a tone that pisses people off--save that angry ALL CAPS soap-boxing for Twitter. If you want people to listen to what you have to say without rolling their eyes and closing their ears/minds to your message, speak politely and with respect. People that have done their research do not need to rely on ALL CAPS for shock value or to get people to listen to them.

Karen if what you do is 'research' then post-secondary education is even more of a monumental waste of time, energy, resources, funds, blood, sweat, tears, and heartbreak than it already feels like to those that have gone through it. Yes, it's a human social construction. Yes, there are people that graduate and regret everything they put into it. If 'doing research' was as simple as reading a chain email or clicking on every sensational headline to come across our dashboard and yelling our opinion on the truth at anyone and everyone--refusing to listen to beliefs/theories/opinions to the contrary...then why are people paying many thousands of dollars for a post-secondary education? Why do you insist that your children graduate from post-secondary education and yet you reject their idea that 'research' is so much more than scrolling through social media and believing every 'Doctor' that comes across your screen? Clearly, you're willing to buy into the idea that "Dr." and "PhD" mean something--even if you clearly don't know what those prefixes and suffixes mean. Clearly those two things have some sort of authority to you. Your adult-child may not be a Doctor and may not have a PhD...but neither do you, Karen. Believing every self-stylized 'Dr.' isn't doing your research and arguing with your Bachelor's Degree child on this matter is proving that you're willing to believe an anonymous internet troll over your own child. It means you're writing off all of the time and money (probably some of your money) and effort that your child went through to get their education. It means that the word (coughLIESough) of internet strangers means more to you than the words of your own child, whom you know and have watched grow up. And, from the perspective of anybody who knows how to do proper research, it means you are more than just a part of the 'uneducated masses'--it means that you are part of the problem. Misinformation is just as dangerous as Covid-19. People that believe the whole "inject yourself with bleach to kill the virus" thing that started, or people that believe that every Asian is a carrier of Covid-19--they are just as dangerous as Covid-19. People have been hurt and died because of the proliferation of misinformation. Covid-19 has many unknowns and it's scary and does result in the death of a heck of a lot of people--but it is survivable. Stupidity, prejudice, and the rejection of truth and facts probably hurts and kills almost as many people, proportionally, as the virus itself. Humanity may eventually find a cure for Covid-19; but there's no cure for stupidity.

#Karen #Covid-19 #COVIDIOTS #do your research #rant #personal

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 5 years

Text

Palm Reading + Mandarin | Fostered Writing Update

Hey People of Earth!

It’s been *years* since I wrote my last writing update, and seeming as though I have some time to draft this, I thought I’d pop another one your way!

This update is going to cover the writing haps from FOSTERED!

The last FOSTERED update I posted was in October, so here’s a summary of what’s happened in the last few months:

I drafted Palm Reading and Dark Room from October to November

^ And then never wrote anything in December

Literally had a crisis

What’s New

These last few chapters of this book were not happening? I’ve probably drafted a total of four chapters this entire semester because of how little time I have to write, which isn’t fun. I was having a hard time balancing writing for school, and writing for myself, so my book definitely suffered a lil bit.

In terms of plot summary, the squad has been at a cabin in Oregon for the last few weeks. I’ve translated this to literally only two chapters, however, it will physically pain me to keep writing in this setting, so I’m moving on! The first chapter I’ll be updating you on is called Palm Reading.

I mentioned in my last FOSTERED update that this book is currently split into two parts: part one being tentatively titled ‘Children’. PALM READING is the first chapter of part two, and also, the first full chapter at The Cabin. In my last update, I talked about the squad arriving at the cabin. I thought I’d flesh this out more in this update! (Also: I’m hoping to make a 3D model of the cabin in the future--I already have all the blueprints!)

The cabin is owned by Lonan’s (deceased) father, and is now inhabited by Reeve + Lonan’s sister, Christiane, who now goes by Anna. Bad Things happen at this cabin, which is why I’m swinging out early! PALM READING is split into five scenes:

All you have to know: the squad has travelled across the universe to cheer Lonan up because he’s going through some Tough Times. This is, of course, a very bad idea.

Scene A:

This scene is a flashback Reeve recounts of her and her sister as children before their mother’s fancy garden party.

Scene B:

Reeve makes French onion soup for Lonan in an attempt to cheer him up. Her estranged mother, Izzy, tries to help, to no avail.

Tbh, this scene could be cut lol. It’s very short, and not super interesting in my opinion! Though I’m not very fond of this chapter in general.

Scene C:

Lonan doesn't like Reeve’s soup (apparently this whole chapter is just soup?? we should just call it soup???), and dissociates when he encounters Anna’s son. He gets a lil violent and Darren steps in to save ze day (a valiant boi).

Fun fact: I wrote an entire mini story with Lonan and Harrison, recounting the aftermath of this encounter (see more below ;))

Scene D:

Anna and Reeve hang on the porch, and Reeve fantasizes about what her life would be like if her sister was still in her life beyond childhood.

Scene E:

Reeve leaves her sister on the porch and her and Darren have some timezzzzzz.

Fun fact:

This chapter was originally called just PALM before I started writing this update. I wasn’t mega happy with the title, but I like it a lot more as this expansion!

Yo dis chapter the whole alphabet or what?? I’m not particularly happy with it because it’s not cohesive at all?? I found I wrote a ton of tiny lil scenes that didn’t fit together very well, lol. I think if I cut the scene breaks and integrated the chapter into three bigger scenes, this would’ve been a lot more effective. The reason most of these scenes are so tiny, is because I believe I wrote this chapter over a very long period of time. I find if I leave a chapter for too long between breaks, it just isn’t very good since I lose a lot of momentum.

Excerpts:

I’ll share the whole first scene! Not my *favourite* scene but is ok:

Izzy made it clear it was a garden party, even though we didn’t have a garden. She’d rewritten her plans on her toile stationary from Paris, and pinned the leaflets to the fridge so the neighbours would think she looked rich. She bought a red check pinafore from the Goodwill and pretended it was designer. Her panty hose were sheer and black and made her look like an off-brand prostitute.

The neighbours would be in by three. Christiane and I set the table with the good cutlery, and hung Chinese lanterns from the doorways. Izzy lit the tea lights and peeled the carrots over the sink.

Before the guests arrived, Christiane and I played out by the marsh. We hopped puddles and skipped rocks. We practiced our Spanish in ruled notebooks even though Izzy enrolled us in French. We caught crickets and brown-bellied spiders in bug boxes, and ate crackers and deli meat, and the leftover frog legs Izzy bought from the bistro. The Tupperware sweat with chervil and nutmeg. She said, Evie, it tastes just like chicken you know, like that somehow made a difference. Izzy yelled at us for scraping our knees when we got back home. The neighbours are going to think I have savages for children. Do you know how mothers with savages for children look?

She made us wash our hair with castile soap, and pinned it back in matching chignons. She dressed Christiane in a tartan smock, and me in a tunic and skirt. She was twelve, I was ten. Izzy pulled her hair into two Dutch braids, and tied off the ends with bits of ribbon from the Christmas wrapping drawer. Dad came home from work late, and said, Izzy, baby, you’re looking so new age, and she cried and had to reapply her lipstick.

Scene two, three, and four are like, not good, lol, so skipping to scene five!

Scene five gets a lil steamy yeepers--keeping it PG, but just a warning:

You are a system of constellations—all blinking and in order. A life sized Orion, all neon Alnitak, Alnilam, Mintaka.

Putting this in for the Darren Roast (also lol look @ me just switching POVs):

You’re so je ne sais quois, you’re so candied and virgin, you’re so liberal, it hurts. You kiss me like we’re dating, and maybe we are. Maybe I’m your girlfriend, and you’ll take me to Thanksgiving at your mother’s, and your family will love me, and serve me cranberry sauce and tofurkey and kefir from mason jars.

That’s it for PALM READING!

The chapter I wrote after palm reading is called Dark Room. I briefly mentioned it in a vlog I’m compiling, however, I’m skipping out on writing an update on it because a) nothing is really shareable, and b) the content is kind of too difficult to explain/sift through!

The last thing I wanted to share was this lil adventure I wrote in October called Mandarin.

MANDARIN is a short-somethin (story??? i say lightly) following the events of PALM READING, and covers Lonan and Harrison in a tent in the woods. ;) I hesitate to call it a story because it’s more just me being a shit disturber to see what I can mess up in my book in a different point of view. ;)

I can’t remember why I wanted to write this, lol. I think it’s just because I was feeling a lil stressed, and writing with my boys is always very fun. I knew things went very wrong for Lonan at the end of PALM READING, so I wanted to take some time to experiment with what exactly happened that the reader doesn't get to see.

The premise is: Harrison is being *nice* and offers to help Lonan fix his face after Darren comes in like Godzilla for his lil noggin, and things Go Wrong.

(Also: at this point, I’ve written three *shippy* stories with these boyz, and I’ve made it my duty to compile a lil anthology of *ship* and print it out and put it on my shelf. ;))

Excerpts:

I really only included this segment because of this paragraph, not even that I love it, but because Harrison always describes Lonan with such an acute awareness to detail and its soooooooo cuuuuute:

Tangles of dark hair part down Lonan’s scalp, and drift into Harrison’s eyes. It’s getting long, now. He hasn’t had a trim in months. Harrison can measure the days since, like a personal calculator. He’s been paying attention. It’s two inches past his eyes. He hasn’t cut it since April. His skin is white, like the ivory tusks of an elephant, or the swirl of half and half. His eyes marbles of aquamarine, like an expensive China doll. Harrison would import copies and hoard them. Even though he’s bruised around the eyes, the skin puffy, and purple, he’d display him and tell everyone he’s handmade from Russia.

same

Alrighty folks, that’s it for this update! I’m almost finished an update for a new short story, so keep an eye out for that! My semester finishes on Wednesday, so prepare to see me clutterin’ up your feed in the near future!

--Rachel

#fostered #writing #amwriting #writingupdates #writerblr

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deeeelightfuldee · 3 years

Text

surveyss 013.

Are you mad at your best friend right now? I guess it depends who that is. I’m not mad at em. I have to get out of the habit of calling Kile my best friend, but he has been my other half for so long. I’m not mad at him.. I just.. I guess I am just so sad wishing he wanted me the way I thought he did.

Do you know anybody with a pet snake? Ugh. Gross yes. I am not close with these kinds of people.

Do you buy your underwear in a pack or seperately? Either way. In a pack is convenient and cheaper, but seldom allows for cute undies. Buying individually is proving to be great for style, but expensive.

Have you ever made fun of anybody and later became their friend? I never really made fun of Nathan, I just would smack him with a plastic baseball bat.

Is the lamp on in the room you're in? Right now only this new little egg shaped lamp that is trying to die.

Do you have a pair of shoes that you can only wear with one or two outfits? Uhhh, maybe like ... no. Actually no, I think most of my shoes are interchangeable.

Is there any drink that you absolutely MUST drink cold? I genuinely prefer my drinks cold. I think the only warm drinks I like are hot chocolate or tea.

Did you sleep in past noon today? Woof, no.

Did your grandma ever tell you about her love life? I have never had a personal conversation with my paternal grandmother, and no longer have an opportunity since she was killed. My maternal grandmother has shared very little because she seems to think being private is like a badge of honor. She was in love once in college, but her parents ruined it and he let go and moved on. She never did. She ended up “settling” for my grandpa -- who was an awesome guy. She just wasn’t really in love, she did it because that’s who her parents wanted.

Have you ever painted anybody's nails aside from your own? Yes.

Anything exciting happening in the month of September? It’s my mom’s birthday which should be a national holiday. I can’t afford to spoil her, but hopefully I’ll be able to make it fun somehow.

Who is your last missed call from? I think my sister. I wish I had calls from Kile. It’s good I don’t, cus I would be tempted to answer. But it would be so good to hear his voice on voicemail. Sigh.

When was the last time you ate Frosted Flakes? Oh boy, it’s been a hot minute.

Did you ever NOT want a substitute in a certain class? I was homeschooled. There were no substitutes.

Do you ever donate to the less fortunate? Yes

Did you buy an American flag after 9/11 to put on your car/house/ whatever? Did I personally? No, I had no money. But my family did buy a lot.

Do you know any songs that are older than you are? Heck yeah.

Are there framed pictures of you anywhere in your house? Yes. We have like a large gallery wall with a photo of myself. We also framed some graduation photos.

Compared to other people of your age would you be considered 'NORMAL'? What is normal.

Honestly, do you have any Hilary Duff on your MP3 player? I don’t use an MP3 player anymore. I have plenty of Duff on my spotify lol

Who is worst in your family about calling people back? MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Do you like peanut M&M's? I do, but now I’m madly in love with regular m&m’s. Kile used to send me peanut ones I had so many I could have filled a bathtub with them hahaha.

When was the last time you had an ice cream sandwich? It’s been a very, very long time.

When was the last time you ate jelly beans? Yuck. Not that long ago we had some for David. I’m not a fan.

When was the last time you had hot chocolate? Around Christmas time.

Have you ever caught a friend cheating on their bf/gf? In a way. Not someone I’m close to.

What was the last song stuck in your head? I almost always have My Country Tis Of Thee stuck in my head. It literally happens all the time and I have no idea why. Mom thinks it is hilarious and also semi concerning.

Do you enjoy doing math? Not even a little.

Do you think your mom has secrets she’s never told you? Yeah probably. Not many, but I would imagine some.

Do you own anything you don’t want your parents to know about? Probably.

Do you pose in your pictures or just smile? Both. Just depends what strikes my fancy.

Are there any colors you will NOT wear? Pale creamy colors do not do justice to me.

Do you use scented soap in the shower? Always scented something.

Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? Nooooope

Who was the last person you danced with? Enjoyable? Hahaha. I mean I danced last night with the kids. the last time I danced with a male, it was enjoyable.

Do you like convertibles? I do, my sister once rented one for a weekend when I came into town just so we could drive around and be spoiled. It was so awesome.

Have you ever yelled at the television? Definitely. I just did for this murder story I’m watching.

How many songs on your MP3 player are about sex? On spotify I have plenty, not gonna lie.

Do you like water parks? I love them in theory, but I am repulsed by them in all honesty.

Dark or light colored jeans? Depends on the fit.

Can you take apart a computer and name all the parts? Heckie no.

Can you take apart a car and name all the parts? I’d probably have more luck with this than the computer, but still no.

Would your friends describe you as nerdy? Yes, yes they would.

How many different colors are you wearing right now? four. White/blue, blue, black, mauve.

Have you ever purchased a lotto ticket? I sure have

Are you double-jointed anywhere? Nooope.

What is the longest amount of time you've spent playing Monopoly? Probably like 4 hours. Though, it should be stated that I don’t think I’ve ever played with anyone who genuinely wanted to play the correct way. I would love to try.

Have you ever witnessed a tornado first-hand? Yes but it didn’t look like the stereotypical tornado. I want to see one. It’s wild how things change... back in the day tornadoes were my greatest fear. Crippling fear. No longer that way.

Did you play in the sand box as a kid? I didn’t dislike it. I just didn’t do it all that often. There weren’t any at the parks near me as a child, and my dad would have lost his mind at the mess.

How about on the monkey bars? I always tried and was often OK at it. I just disliked how hot the bar could get or when my hands would slip.

Have you ever made an alarm go off? Oh I sure have.

Have you ever colored your eyebrows? Yup. Naturally, my eyebrows are MEGA white blonde.

Did you ever own a pop-up book? Uhhh Probably one or two as a kid.

Have you ever honked at a biker? I don’t think so?

Have you ever taken another person's prescribed medication? A muscle relaxer once that my mom gave me that she didn’t need.

Have you ever played golf (not miniature golf)? I’ve gone one time to a like.. driving range type thing? Never gone official golfing. I’d like to.

Do you use gel in your hair? Maybe 1-5x a year.

Do you own a garden gnome? Definitely not.

Are any of the rooms in your house painted blue? Yes

Do you kick off your shoes as soon as you walk in the door? Typically yes I do, but sometimes we leave them on. Gram has to wear them for stability, mom wears them to protect her feet from cuts, and so I will sometimes.

Have you ever judged a book by its cover? Yes

What is the most effective device at the gym? I couldn’t tell ya. I’m intimidated by the gym.

Can you drive a stick shift? At one point yes I could! I am positive I wouldn’t remember how to now.

Have you ever picked on a substitute teacher? Never had a sub and I would never

How good are you at giving directions? OOOOOOOOOOOOOooo I’m terrible at it. I’m great at doing it in the car, but don’t call me and expect me to be able to tell you directions like “go northeast for 1.2 miles” heck no.

When was the last time you looked out the window nearest you? Probably a half hour ago or so. I checked on the water filling the pool.

Have you ever got dressed with the windows open? Yes. Often I will. Not in the summer though, because I try to keep my room as dark and cool as possible.

Have you ever given a foot massage? yes

Do public restrooms freak you out? It depends on where the bathroom is. Some of them are cleaner than others. I don’t like FREAK out about it, but I don’t enjoy it. I often can wait til I’m home.

Have you ever taken a shower outside? yeah, but I don’t love that.

Have you ever been to a junkyard? I have.

What do you think of Brad Pitt? I don’t really have a big opinion on him.

Have you ever watched the History Channel willingly? Yes, if it interests me.

Have you ever used pennies to pay for something that cost over 50 cents? Hahahaha for my siblings, yes.

If a place makes you pay for delivery - do you still tip the driver? Yes.

Without the aid of a cell phone - do you know your parents numbers by heart? Yeah.

Can you name 10 former presidents? Trump, obama, bush, bush, reagan, clinton, nixon, roosevelt, jefferson, washington.

Have you ever bought a gift for a teacher? Yes

Is your bedroom carpeted? Not since I was a child. I do have a rug down.

Right now, what color is your tongue? Pink.

When was the last time you had a Tootsie Pop? Last year probably.

If you could get the cell phone of your choice - what would it be? I have the phone I love. I have to give it up soon, but I’m dreading that.

Who is your favorite super hero? Uhhhhhhhhhh, I’m not sure. Either batman or superman I guess. I would probably have a clear idea if I watched all the superhero movies.

How about your favorite villain? I dunno, still would need to see the videos.

Do you know anybody who works at a bank? I doooooo.

What do you usually order from your favorite fast food place? Right now my favorite fast food place is Buona Beef. I love their char-grilled avocado pepper jack chicken sandwich on gluten free pita with extra jalapeno. OMG. so good.

Do you hand out candy to kids on Halloween? Yup. I dooooooooo.

What perfume/cologne do you wear the most? My favorite is refuge by charlotte russe.

Can you name all 7 dwarfs? uhhhh, sleepy, dopey, grumpy, ... no. lolol

Does the early bird really catch the worm? In my world, I totally believe this.

0 notes

clumothy · 5 years

Note

All of them :3

I deserved this.1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Soda cans

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Proooooobs cotton candy. Bubble gum loses its flavour way too fast

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Angry, annoying, uncooperative, etc. I wasn’t a pleasing student in elementary school

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Soda bottles

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

I’m a fan of formal wear

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphones

8. movies or tv shows?

movies

9. favorite smell in the summer?

campfires

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

badminton

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

I usually skip breakfast

12. name of your favorite playlist?

“heck” lol its fun when I yell ‘Hey Siri, shuffle heck!’

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Sour Patch Kids

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

The Great Gatsby

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

leaned on one side with a leg up

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

I have a zipup pair I love

18. ideal weather?

15 ° Celsius and sunny

19. sleeping position?

face down!

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Phone notes app

21. obsession from childhood?

I mean, Pokemon, Mario, Sonic, etc. The usuals

22. role model?

RDJ is pretty inspiring when you read his story

23. strange habits?

sleeping chest down? I’m not that strange of a person

24. favorite crystal?

Emerald

25. first song you remember hearing?

Another one Bites the Dust by Queen

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Go for walks. I am dog.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Stay inside. I am cat.

28. five songs to describe you?

A) Your Love - The Outfield

B) Heat of the Moment - Asia

C) Get a Ride - The Northern Hues

D) Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

E) Is it arrogant to say Iron Man - Black Sabbath?

29. best way to bond with you?

Quiet talks in low lit rooms. Sounds creepy, is fun in practice.

30. places that you find sacred?

The kitchen

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Dress as formally as possible

32. top five favorite vines?

I’m a Giraffe, Adam!, Is that a weed?, only one thing worse than a rapist, and of course: SHAWDY I DON’T MIND!

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“That’s Fair.”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Avenge the Fallen

35. average time you fall asleep?

1:30 am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Does the Lazy Song by Bruno Mars

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea?

if its iced, tea.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Anything with meringue wins

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Someone gave the special needs kids weed brownies and that was a weird day.

41. last person you texted?

You

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

I love my jacket pockets because they arent the average hand pockets but I keep my phone wallet and keys in my pants pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

leather jacket

44. favorite scent for soap?

uh. soap. Pumpkin I guess?

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Tie between Fantasy and Superhero

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

tshirt and boxers

47. favorite type of cheese?

Dude. Cheesestrings are good. Idgaf

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

A spicy pepper

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen? They happen because of you.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

God you or chaz have said something like every week that made me laugh harder than the previous thing

51. current stresses?

doggos and schoooooooool

52. favorite font?

the uh. The coca cola font is nice. Isn’t it also the ford trucks?

53. what is the current state of your hands?

a tad beat up but healing nicely

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Only give 100% of your effort if it makes you happy. If you’re giving 100% and you aren’t happy I guarantee no one cares. If you can get away with giving 60 or 70% and your boss is fine with that, awesome. Giving 100% all day every day is exhausting and if your job expects that of you it truly isn’t a good place to work. In my opinion at least

55. favorite fairy tale?

SHREK.

56. favorite tradition?

I dont really have any but I’m excited to start one or two

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Depression, school, learning to let go of “toxic and entitled” people

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

singing, designing, thinking quick and mathematics

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Talley Ho!” I wanna be a pirate don’t @ me

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

A farmer. I like Stardew Valley but as an anime

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

All that is gold does not glitter - J. R. R. Tolkien

62. seven characters you relate to?

Tony Stark, Peter Parker, Link Link, Jim Halpert, Edward Elric I guess, Bilbo Baggins, and uh. uh. Shrek?

63. five songs that would play in your club?

The Malo Mart theme on repeat, we don’t need any other songs. Ever.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Webkins and Miniclip

65. any permanent scars?

Three on my head/face, one on my stomach and probs one forming on my finger

66. favorite flower(s)?

lavender

67. good luck charms?

I love that triforce chip you got me

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

PEPPERMINT!

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Nintendo almost owned the Sony Playstation but backed out last moment. WHOOPS.

70. left or right handed?

Right for most things but oddly left handed on other things

71. least favorite pattern?

I agree with you, pokadots suck. but especially uneven pokadots

72. worst subject?

Biology

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

spicy and sweet, like the spicy gummies i had

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

who knoooows. Proooobs at age 3?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Tater tots! also fries too and flavoured chips

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

A cactus. Lets get a cactus.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Sushiiiiii

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

School ID.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE

82. pc or console?

Both have perks but console mostly

83. writing or drawing?

drawing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

talk radio

84. barbie or polly pocket?

polly pocket. When i was a kid i went to this babysitter and the girls all played with Polly Pockets and I was the only guy and Polly Pockets were the same size as my Mario toys!

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear?

The death of those around me

88. your greatest wish?

A peaceful life with you and our friends with little to no stress

89. who would you put before everyone else?

You

90. luckiest mistake?

Breaking up with you a few years ago? Idk kinda helped our relationship in the longrun

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

lamps

93. nicknames?

Clum/Clump/Clumothy and Smeef

94. favorite season?

Spring

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr probably

96. desktop background?

The master sword in the korok forest

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

two.

98. favorite historical era?

Medieval!

hooooly shit that was long

#Ask

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lk-mitogen · 5 years

Text

mental health rant

A friend of mine had an explosive breakdown at work today, and he got into a lot of trouble for it (he yelled at an R4 and an external doctor, both of which are...wayyyyyy higher up in rank than we are lmao, we’re at the bottom rung or lower). Talking to him and his girlfriend and another friend individually, I got the gist of why he did it -- his parents are divorcing, he has financial issues because of it, he’s lost faith in becoming a pediatrician and now has no idea who he wants to be, we work under insane pressure every day and no one gives a shit except when we fuck up, etc etc -- and I remembered me in my first year and a bit of med school, how I was just like that, because my own parents were divocing and it was hellish, and people came to know me as “that person who’s always fighting with the teachers” because I didn’t give a shit who you were, if you were wrong I told you and gave you twenty citations to back up my opinion, and it was just disruptive and offensive and it absolutely made me no allies.

He wasn’t wrong to get angry, to get irritated, but there are ways of expressing it that are better and more productive, but the reason I can tell that is because I’m in a better place now.

And like, he’s not the only one. My best medical school friend had a prolonged breakdown from last year until very recently, and it manifested as panic attacks and fainting spells and she would literally tell me “I have to get fresh air” and leave me alone in the emergency room with 20 patients because she just couldn’t handle it anymore, and I hated her a little bit for it, not gonna lie, she abandoned me when I really fucking needed someone to help me over and over and over, even in the middle of a goddamn surgery once, but I understood, I got it, and she got help and she’s better now, and she’s an impeccable doctor, whipsmart and attentive, I’d consult her anyday.

And like, this guy’s girlfriend has lately been complaining about nonspecific abdominal symptoms, and she keeps wanting to find a medical explanation for it, but I know it’s psychological, because she’s dealing with the same stress we’re all under PLUS her boyfriend is going absolutely nuts and in a violent way, it’s not the first time he yells at people when he’s frustrated, it’s just the first time he did it to people high enough and emotionally alien enough to him to report the shit out of him for it, and she’s his onlly emotional support, he’s the kind of boyfriend who would say “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”, so good luck with that sort of insane pressure, even if you have enough money to pay for your own transportation and food without difficulties like some other people have.

Another friend keeps sleeping in, she just can’t get up, I keep telling her put!! an alarm!! earlier!!! and she swears she does, but she says she can’t help herself from turning it off, because she “self-sabotages”, and it’s so!! fucking!!! frustrating!!!! because again, she leaves me to handle the 6:45 am handoff alone every. single. day. because she can’t get up and she arrives at 7:20 am with coffee and an apology and I gotta grit my teeth and bear it, because I GET IT, i really really do, she’s under a lot of stress and it manifests as self-sabotage, like, boy do I get it, I’ve been there, so I try to be kind and understanding and patient but. My god. I legit tune her out now whenever she starts apologizing because I’m 99.999% sick of it. And like! She’s a great doctor! Her bedside manner is A++ I admire her so much for it, and she genuinely cares for our patients, even the worst of the lot, I really wish I had her empathy (only not really because that’s where her self-destructive tendencies come from, I think). Basically, she’s a great person, just. Man. Wake the fuck up on time, PLEASE.

And this other guy, another part of our team, is a total flake, he keeps manifesting nonspecific symptoms like MY JAW HURTS I GOTTA GET MY WISDOM TEETH PULLED OUT!! one day and MY ABDOMEN HURTS I CANT COME TO WORK I THINK I HAVE APENDICITIS!!! and fucking shit like this every goddamn week it’s something new, and he’s on so many different medications for depression and anxiety and sleeping and staying awake and he’s gained easily 20 kilograms this year and I feel for him, I really do, his life is spiraling out of control and he’s clawing the walls all the way down to rock bottom, and I can see it, everyone can see it, but he’s too flakey to ever get anyone on his side, and part of me wants to tell him, buddy, take a sabbatical, but the problem is, he already took one so he can’t take another, and he’s burned me too many times and not reciprocated emotionally enough for me to reach out and help him, because I will drown right alongside him at the rate he’s going.

And then my other friend!! Whom I care about! A lot!! she’s also super empathic and kind but. SHE IS. SO GODDAMN SLOW. AT EVERYTHING. In the time it takes me to see 6 patients and write their SOAP notes she’s done one, and she’s not the sharpest tool in the box, she sometimes suggests treatments that are...not the correct ones, and so I gotta go and help her out, talk it through with her so she doesn’t heck it up, and she’s super cool about it! But!!! SO GODDAMN SLOW!!!!! PLEASE! LEARN TO BE MORE EFFICIENT!!! Even though I know it’s all a symptom of burnout, too, even I’m not cold-hearted enough to not realize it.

We’re all just. Shambling through this year, trying our best, and our best manifests in different ways when under stress, sometimes it’s just showing up to work. Sometimes it’s just managing to write the note, even if it takes you hours. Sometimes it’s asking your buddy if they can cover you so you can go cry in the bathroom for five minutes and then come back. We’re all doing our absolute best to be here and attentive and empathic, and I am really proud of everyone, but I’m also really sick of being the most sane person on the team. A selfish childish part of me is like, I WANNA HAVE MY BREAKDOWN TOO DAMNIT!! But I’m too old for it, and I’ve trained myself quite well to handle my meltdowns in efficient ways, productive ways, so I can get back on the horse quickly and in a stable manner. I’m proud of me for that too, but it does get tiring, having all parts of my team leaking anxiety and depression and stress in psychosomatic ways.

So I’m going to give in to my desire right now and have a very condensed breakdown rant and hopefully get all my high octane frustration out in one go, and then parse it out once it’s text.

For the past 10 months I’ve lived through the best and worst of people. I’ve given folks CPR to the point where their ribs break under my hands, I’ve had to fist a lady’s inverted uterus back into place in the most body horror moment of my life, I legit feared for my life when this dude going through withdrawal physically threatened me, I’ve delivered an extremely deformed baby with gastroschisis manually and their guts were spilling over my hands and though it didn’t die in my arms it died about ten minutes later in mom’s and it was sad as FUCK, I’ve had 13 12 11 and 10 year old girls delivering babies because their brother cousin uncle foster dad abused them and abortion is illegal in my stupid fucking hyper catholic state and this is a never ending cycle cause mom was 14 when they had them and on and on and on, and this other time I was the only fucking doctor at a public hospital once during an overnight shift and I had to suture this guy’s toes back on having 0 prior experience suturing ANYTHING and they fell right off the next day because I didn’t know what the FUCK I was doing and I still feel fucking awful about that, and at that same fucking hospital some IDIOT put formaldehyde in a saline solution bottle and this poor surgical nurse accidentally poured it into some poor patient’s open abdominal cavity IN FRONT OF ME and the fucking suction didn’t work because that public hospital is a piece of SHIT and that patient totally died and the resident told the family it had been something else and I WAS THERE and it was BULLSHIT, and COUNTLESS other horrible, truly horrible, absolutely horrible things, and I’ve tried to take all of that shit and learn something from it, make something good come out of so much, so much, SO MUCH awful, and I’ve patiently, patiently, patiently tried to tolerate my collegue’s breakdowns, and their eternal lateness, and the residents yelling at me, and the external doctors telling us we’re never going to be anything worthy, and I think I’ve been doing a good job of it, to be honest, at this point I feel like I’ve become this politely smiling shell of myself to survive it, because a part of me feels like I’m living in an alternate dimension where morality and ethics and laws no longer exist, because they simply do not apply anymore, someone has just taken all of that important stuff and dismissed it to be kindergarden stuff, and I gotta nod and go with it or else I’m going to be my friend saying “i need air” and leaving, or “i self sabotage like this” and sleeping in, or “i think my wisdom tooth is aching” and taking the day off or just, simply, EXPLODING at everyone until they kick me out, and like

a big part of me is MOURNING the fact that I’ve become like this, that THIS is what becoming a doctor means in my country, that THIS is the type of formation they require of us. This horrible automaton of a person, that is a symbol of so much goodness but underneath it it’s all lawless shit, it’s all under the water shit, it’s all cover everyone’s fuck ups type shit. I hate it. I hate what I’m becoming. This person that can talk about all this and kind of go “yeah, I guess it’s objectively awful, but have I told you about [this even more awful event]?” because if you play that game there’s always a worse story, there’s always lower, and lower, and LOWER.

I’ll always be glad I chose to study this career, for all it’s morphed me into something I never wished to be. Because I can wade in these muddy rotten waters and help my friends and my family navigate it, I can help strangers and underprivileged people navigate it, I can help all of them from my insider privileges, to make their experience better than it would have been without me, more efficient, more smooth, more right, correct, lawful. I can’t help everyone, and I’m human and I’ll fuck up now and again too, because I’m learning, but I know, firm in my heart, that wherever I go it will be better that I was there than if I wasn’t.

Even if it’s just because the bar is so fucking low it’s difficult not to do better, believe you me, a lot of my colleagues are so fucking burnt out that they somehow still do it worse, and I’ve seen it in external doctors as well.

I’ll take all of these horrible awful no good experiences and I’m going to do better, I’m already better, I will make people have a better experience when they are going through the worst parts of their lives. Even if I had to mess myself up a lot to survive it, I think it’s worth it to spend this one life of mine doing this. I really really do.

#doodle diary #tho no doodles this time

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beautifulisthestruggle-blog · 7 years

Text

Why I never told-

I never told because the first time he put his hands around my neck I was in shock and afraid. Sure he had gotten in my face and screamed at me but he had never put his hands on me like that before. I immediately felt it was my fault. That I had pushed him too far. That I had yelled too loud. I felt sorry for him when he apologized and told me he wanted to kill himself. I saw a broken man who made a horrible mistake. I saw a man who needed love. I saw a man I wanted to love unconditionally.

I was also pregnant with my first daughter. I was afraid of being alone and being a single mom.

I never told because the years of being controlled through finances, a single family car, and my spiritually driven commitment to stand by my husband and not disrespect him to others did not seem wrong. The evolution of our marriage seemed completely reasonable at the time. I never thought that not participating in our finances was weird because he made it seem like he wanted to take the burden off of me. I never thought having a single car in our family was bad because we were saving money and being economical. I needed to stand by him and when we did get counseling, it always got manipulated to be about me and my issues. So I let it go.

There were months, between events. Months when I convinced myself that life was normal and we were just growing up together. I convinced myself that he loved me. That he was sorry. I convinced myself that nothing in the world would make him do it again. I convinced myself that this time, the "help" he swore he got would be enough to teach him more ways to control himself.

I never told because the times it happened were always followed by threats of suicide and words that made me take responsibility for his actions. I never told because I was afraid of losing everything. I was afraid that telling would show the world I was not good enough. I never told because I was afraid that people would call me a liar or insinuate that I was crazy.

I never told because I had sex with my husband when it hurt or until I cried and I thought I was just giving him my body like a “good” wife was supposed to. I never told because how do you tell someone that the person you love most, takes advantage of you in ways no one ever should.

I knew when he put a hole in the bedroom door over my head that I would never leave. He lied and cheated yet I knew I would forgive him. I looked at my children and saw that they needed their dad. I felt I had to be more forgiving and more loving. I felt that I couldn’t face their stares asking me to just be a better wife so that Daddy doesn’t get so mad.

I never told because I did not believe I was worthy of anything else. I became so worthless in my own eyes that I couldn’t love me either. I felt lucky to have him in my life. I was scared when he would ignore me. I would cry when he withheld his love and attention. I felt scared of messing up so bad that one day he would leave me and my children.

Then he left. One day, when his goose was cooked and I found out the full picture of his financial manipulations, his infidelity, his lying, he decided that I no longer made him happy. He left me and my children. You would think this is the end. But you would be wrong.

You see you do not get to just walk away from your abuser when you have children. He gets to control and manipulate you through them and the courts. At first, he was content to move right on to another relationship. Then I am about to finish school, have a career, and have success. Now that he is finally married to this woman, he comes after me by threatening to take my children away.

He now gets to throw around comments about my parenting and how I am not a good enough co-parent. He gets to demand I not deprive him of that which he threw away. He wants to stand on his soap box and intimidate and manipulate me into giving him more and more. He controls the court through finances because there is no way I can afford the battle this will be but he can. He gets to invite people to come in and examine every decision I have ever made in the last three years. He gets to use the courts to continue his scare tactics and manipulations.

I never told because I was ashamed. I was devastated. I was disgraced. I never told because I did not want to face the world and tell them all that I was one of the ones who stayed. I did not want to admit that I was not the one who chose to leave. And but for the fact that he was unfaithful and realized his ability to manipulate was coming to a close, I would still be trapped in a never ending cycle of abuse and tension.

I never wanted see the look in my kids eyes or hear their words of accusation. I never wanted my little ones to look at me and question what they have to do to make sure their future husbands won’t leave. I never wanted to hear my baby tell me that if I had just yelled less at their daddy, he would have stayed and we would be a family.

But now, I am telling. I am telling because what happened to me was wrong. I am telling because other women may be stuck in the same lie and need someone to tell them that they can get out. I am telling because if I have to go through this battle, I need to start by being honest. I need to tell because I need to start loving myself enough to stop doubting my story and my right to live a life without intimidation, abuse, and manipulation. I am telling because I have a right for people to truly understand that abuse is not always big black eyes or broken bones. Abuse is silent and sneaky. It is emotionally and mentally destructive. Abuse does not have to be reported to the police to be abuse. There are so many times since my healing process began that I have asked myself why I did not get out. I can only say that I did not get out because I was stuck in the lie that I was only good enough if others thought I was a good wife, mother, and all the other labels I had strove to become. I had attached my worth to other’s opinion of me. I had attached my worth to being a wife that could keep her husband happy. I had attached my worth to showing the world that I was strong enough to hold on.

But I was not strong. I was weak. In many ways I just wanted to have that all- consuming love story that triumphed over adversity. Problem is, adversity is not being mentally, emotionally, and physically damaged. No that is not adversity. That is abuse. And today I choose to come out and admit that I was the victim of domestic abuse. I am one of the women who stayed. But I am also one of the women who got out. I will not go back to that place of being destroyed or intimidated by a man who just wants to feel powerful and in control. I will not back down to the attempts to scare me into capitulation. I will be the strong women my children can look up to because no woman or person for that matter, deserves what I endured and what I am still working through.

In all my searching for why women accept- why I accepted- abuse in their marriages I am struck with this fact: The abused see their abuser's actions as flaws that can be fixed if they are the perfect partner. They see their abuser as flawed and conclude that if they get rid of all their own deficiencies, he will change. If you can love him enough, be a good enough wife, be a good enough mother, if you can be everything he needs you to be, his character will change and he will love you as you deserve to be loved. My friends, this thinking will lead you further into the darkness that compromises your own self-worth and your own self-efficacy in life.

You are enough...I am enough. No flaw or deficiency in you is an acceptable excuse to be hurt physically, emotionally, or mentally.

#beautifulisthestruggle #healingisaprocess #Life After Divorce

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