#i'm so sick of losing friends

[cinnamon-phrog]

I feel too sick to sleep right now, everything's' too cold or too hot and I can't even breathe without thinking I'm gonna throw up

#it's because i've been drinking diluted juice #i swear the shit they put in that makes me delirious with fever #ughhhh so sick wish a nice big strong mechanoid could help me rn :( real shame #gonna drink water till the middle of the night. there goes my plans for a better nights' sleep :< #i do genuinely feel awful and i have been feeling so for a while and it's all my own doing. not eating healthy. stressing out and barely- #-sleeping. i have stretch marks from losing weight and circles under my eyes. everything's fuzzy. i keep forgetting basic things. #i'm worried about my future. i'm too disabled to function with a job but not disabled 'enough' just because i can speak 'clearly' #i've got no irl friends or family to fall back on. i can only travel so far and i get meltdowns far easier now #months ago i was treated like a pet. now i'm an adult before i ever got to be a child. #i want to be held. be loved without even having to say a word to each other. not even by an f//o but by someone who'll be willing to love m #but all i am now is sick and hungry and hot and cold and tired and awake. #i can't imagine how much worse it is for other people though. i've seen awful images and they're not even a taste of how terrible it is #i worry i won't be able to afford food in the future. or have a stable flat or apartment. that social services will let me down again #this year was meant to be a break but i'm constantly worrying about the time i become 18. my autism and lack of any social life- #will impact me and i'll be fucked over easier than ever. and that happens often #college brought me panic attacks where i'd physically harm myself till i got migraines in front of people and they didn't bat an eye #i could be kicking and screaming and begging for help but they'll just ignore me or infantilise me

[sga-owns-my-soul]

i need a 6 month vacation from being alive pls

#i'm so tired #i'm getting burnt out from writing #and playing video games #and petting my cat #and talking to my friends #i'm gonna cry in the break room at work #i'm so fucking tired #i'm so sick of being in pain #i'm so sick of thing's constantly being shitty #i'm just. i'm so tired #i want a break #and can't take one #so i'm just suffering #and losing the ability to actually do the things i enjoy #fuck #being an adult sucks sometimes #i'm tired #ignore this #personal rambles #stick liveblogs her breakdown #not stargate

[frommybookbook]

I did it. I watched Raymond Burr's final movie as Perry Mason tonight and I'm not ashamed to say I cried a little. In just shy of a year, I've watched every minute of Burr playing Perry Mason—every episode of the show and every TV movie. This character has come to mean so much to me and Burr's portrayal of him was so good and so special. I'm glad I still have a handful of the books left to read because I'm not ready to be finished with him.

#perry mason #the case of the killer kiss #raymond burr #my beloved sexy rectangle #he did such a good job in this movie #especially given how sick he already was #the way barbara hale described filming this one in the burr biography will forever haunt me #he was so weak but still so determined to honor this commitment #and poor hale herself #she'd been widowed only a year before #and then to lose burr #her friend of nearly 50 years #it just gets to me #i'm going to keep watching episodes and movies for a long time

[incorrectmadrigalfamilyquotes]

How to make sure no one wants to be friends with you: openly shame people

i'm sorry but anyone who actively defends and/or supports proshitters deserve to be shamed for it tbh, i already stated in my pinned post i don't condone it.

if you genuinely think i want to make friends with somebody who sympathizes with people who are into that shit/see nothing wrong with proshipping than you're clearly mistaken. hate all you want, at the end of the day at least i'm not the pervert shipping kids with adults 💀

#girl do i look like i give a fuck about pitying proshitters and their supporters literally gtfo out of my blog #“how to make sure no one wants to be friends with you” if you want to make me feel bad or smth at least try LMFAO this is just pathetic #i'll shame any proshitter all i want come at me bro i genuinely have nothing to lose on this site #i just had a bad day but instead of feeling even more angry i'm actually laughing at this ask lmfao like what ?? #are you fr rn ?? #💀 #middle school looking ass insult #cackling in my seat #i'm so sick of proshitters #vas posts #not quote #ask reply #tw: proship

[soryualeksi]

German "anti racists" around here breathing a sigh of relief like, "FINALLY I can say it again, but I've ALWAYS thought that The Muslims were kinda sus..."

Feels bad, man.

#islamophobia #suddenly All Muslims just 'can't do integration' because 'they are all bigots and don't fit our anti bigotry society' and shit #so they've only been holding their breath for the moment to FINALLY be en vogue to say this again huh #it's so bad #you are all so enlightened and those Uncivilised Barbarians just don't Fit here and they bring homophobia and antisemitism and shit #stuff which we don't have here in Germany because We Grew Beyond That #also they all hold misogynistic ideas which we all know was never an issue in germany no #I'm so sick of this #maybe I'll take up countering 'well what do your muslim friends say about ISIS' with 'what did your family do during ww2 hm' #racist bullshit #they've been waiting for the moment they wouldn't get ~cancelled~ for calling muslims savages and here it is in germany here it is #losing respect for so many people so rapidly #sure you're not racist katrin and tobias sure you aren't #german stuff

[flower-biter]

29 January - 4 February

Got cross-trained on a different system at work (yay knowledge) but the processes in place are not the most efficient (reader, they suck). We have related programs that work so smoothly and are basically the same thing a little to the left. Why, oh why, can’t we implement those tweaks here?

Made myself go to the doctor for the first time in like. Five years. Finally got this season’s COVID booster (have had such a hard time with the pharmacies around here and finally this clinic had it). I even scheduled my follow up appointments. I haaaate the meatsuit-maintenance aspect of ~self care~ (do not perceive me!) even though I know it’s necessary.

I’ve gotten really bad about starting books very enthusiastically and then just…not finishing them. I started three books this week and finished none of them (I did read several short stories for that ghost stories class, though!)

My coworker’s 14-year-old daughter recently came out as a lesbian and my coworker is frequently asking me for advice on how to relate to her, and is always excited to share with me all the cute stuff her daughter and her girlfriend are up to - this weekend it was a painting-each-other date and picnic, which, aw. The kids are all right and my heart is full.

I started my next crochet project, a simple baby blanket for my sister (we all have our suspicions, but if not, well, the blanket can wait). I did the first dozen rows and ow, my hands. But the yarn is so so soft and such a pretty shade of green, and I love the rhythm of it while I let my brain just zone out.

It’s been cooler this week but we got lots of sunshine. The local coffee shop a few blocks down from my office released their February specials, and while I’m not normally into their funky flavor combos (they’re usually way too sweet) they do have a rose-vanilla latte that might be my new favorite. The coziness of winter with the floral promise of spring.

I went for dinner with a close friend that I hadn’t seen in a few months, and while we were catching up he told me he had been diagnosed with and started radiation treatment for bone cancer. I didn’t know what to say. All I know how to do is help with cooking and household stuff and just hang out, and trust that if he needs more he’ll tell me. He’s estranged from his family and has just a few close friends, and while I respect his reservations, I worry that he’ll suffer more than he needs to, that he won’t let the people who do care about him do more for him. But so far his prognosis is good, so we’re hoping to have a really enthusiastic celebration for his 30th birthday (and hopefully remission? Please?) in June.

Hello, February. Please be kinder.

last week

#catalog of little joys #and little heartbreaks but I'm trying not to dwell on those #my city is ugly but i do love golden hour light & shadows #butterball may look exceptionally grumpy but it's just because I was taking too long to admire him waiting to greet me #and he wanted me to be petting and feeding him #not looking at him #i do have to keep him away from the yarn because he will eat it and then be sick #adorable idiot #i told my friend if he has to do chemo too and loses his hair i'll shave my head with him #he's more vain about his hair than I am about mine so idk what comfort that'd be but he laughed so I count it as a little win #ah well. chugging along.

[wild-at-mind]

If I was cool and did drugs, would I be a better person? If I wasn't such a loser, would I have value?

#loser can't hang #spiralling #unmasked as loser forever #i can;t even drink 1 pint of an alcohol #i'm still the same loser i was at 14 watching sugar rush and skins and being like 'wow i'm a loser' #at least at 14 it's a bit excusable #and i lose friends every time i turn around #they're all out doing things with people they like #i'm so sick of being myself they lied being yourself sucks and is shit

[plexippusangel]

I either need to accept that I am just a way stronger person than this friend and can handle way more while still being able to engage with the world as a person, or recognize excuses as excuses, accept that I am not valued and be done or. Maybe both. Idk. It might be somewhere between the two. I am just sick of regular life stuff rendering him unable to spend any time with me, and of him being unable to bear any of the details of my life, when I would move mountains to rekindle our friendship. Though I'm starting to wonder if I still would.

#faer personal files #i just. really didn't want officiating his wedding to be our last hurrah of friendship even though i did kind of feel it coming #also i'm really sick of being infantilized for my chronic fatigue i am a grown adult and i know what i'm capable of #ugh. maybe i'm just being awful and not understanding in which case i'm too much of a rancid person to be his friend i guess #but i don't think that's the case #idk i'll never forget when i couldn't see this dude for a year even masked up outside for covid but when another of our old friends came up #from her job doing COVID RELATED CROWD CONTROL FOR THE FUCKING ARMY he went on a hike with her mask off #and i think that says a lot about what our friendship's been for years honestly. if he can't bear my company idk why i try #if i'm just an interesting prop for conversations and occasions but not a friend. i can't accept that #i am an interesting prop for conversations. the disabled genderfluid bisexual genius who lost everything bc of said disability #but i didn't lose everything i just have to fucking rebuild on new ground. and i am doing that. i whine on occasion but i am so strong #and i do know how to interact with people without traumadumping i haven't on him in YEARS but his concept of me crystalized at age 21 #or something like that i guess. idk it just breaks my heart #bc for a long time he was my person. he was the only person who knew the authentic me. more even than my sisters at times. #and yeah that was a little unhealthy but at the time he craved that!!! #and then i grew up and stopped needing him like that around the same time he stopped wanting that and it should have been fucking fine #but like. even senior year of college when i was sick it was already starting to fall apart #like i remember being on a small hike once being exhausted and jokingly being like you gotta carry me back and then being like #no really i might actually need an arm to lean on by the end of this walk if i'm gonna make it back to the car i really don't know if i can #and he said no bc he didn't want to look straight. who the fuck CARES??? i could barely walk i was stumbling my way back annoying him going #too slow. fuck. and that really has been what our friendship has been for years. the minute my house wasn't the most convenient place it wa #more or less dead idk why i keep dragging this horse around #idk why i keep letting him break my heart like this it's so stupid he's never gonna care about me like he did when i was quick and brillian #but never quite as smart as him in his view. fuck him. i'm smarter. just bc i was a little gullible or paranoid at times bc of the #FUCKING CPTSD doesn't mean i was dumber than him. the fuck??? there's something wrong with me i swear idk why i hang on #anyway i'm irritated. but i'm also reluctant to throw away somebody who's seen me through key points in my life. so.

[sudokuplayer]

i would really like to trade my agoraphobia for a different disorder. i'd even take depression #2

#i'm losing it. #it's not only not going out it's also about being seen by other people #like sometimes even when i'm having a conversation with my mom or sister i start feeling awful and i tell them to look away #my brother is coming home soon and my mom and sister are organizing an early birthday party and they're inviting his friends.. #so i have to die very soon 👍🏼 #he video called earlier and my sister pointed the camera at my face and i immediately felt sick and panicky #i'm really not meant exist in this world i'm not even joking

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Sick of being tired sad and overwhelmed all the time 😔

#max rambles a lot #it's this house man #i fucking hate it here #i am so over living here and i'm mad because i've been forced into tying up a good chunk of my money in xmas at this point #which means if by some tiny miracle i get to move out before xmas i won't be going nc until the new year #because i'll be damned if i'm paying for these assholes to have a nice xmas without me like fuck that #anyway yeah i'm so overstimulated lately that i want to just rip my face of all the time #had to cancel my tattoo appt because i am WAY to anxious to leave the house and it's made me really sad #also not to be one of Those people but this Matthew Perry news has really depressed me and i'm feeling it really bad #i'm so sad about it i keep bursting into tears with no warning over it #i feel like a fucking loser for doing so #but yeah i'm tired and sad and overwhelmed i miss all my friends being in the same place i miss feeling like i'm in charge of my own brain #sick of sleeping on the floor and being surrounded by clutter and not even being able to take a shit in peace #clinging to the tiniest little things to stop me absolutely losing my mind #a birthday party next week is currently next up but idk what's coming after that so 🤡🤡🤡

[suffercerebral]

.

#everyone i love is relapsing! i relapsed! idk how to help anyone or what to do but i'm scared and sad and just want things to be okay #i'm so s scared i feel sick i think my best friend/partner is gonna disappear and i can't handle losing her #everything is such a fucking nightmare this year is terrible everyone is getting worse #and i feel like i make the people around me worse! i ruin people!!

[corpsoir]

i think i might take a few days off from tumblr 👍 dont worry i'm fine and i'm still here i just need a short break

#whatever #i'll be back with more things soon maybe?? just give me a couple of days i'm feeling kinda blue rn lol #it'll pass i promise i know how to deal with myself #also had a really fucked up blog interact with my art and now i feel super super weird about everything and i want to burn everything #hhhujghghh. sorry #i really do like posting my art here but i lose the motivation to do so because so many just. dont reblog stuff #and i dont want to sound whiny and annoying about it but i just feel like stuff i make just. idk whatever #i'll be back shortly lol i couldn't leave if i wanted to #i just uuuuhhhh need a moment. im very tired and stressed and sick of gross people showing up here #both in my notes and on friends blogs and whatever #like. i shouldnt let things get to me but it does #there was a n/azi blog liking my art the other day and it made me feel so sick i dont even know what to say #i just. you know i think i need a break from feeling like i gotta check tumblr all the time #im constantly on edge on here because i dont want yucky people on here #and i feel horrible about it idk. #sorry for the 5000 miles of tags here

[bylertruther]

thinking about how lonnie only ever cared about will when he died and that was just to profit off of his death + will giving a girl he doesn't know his toy truck just because she's crying and he thinks she needs it more even if he knows joyce can't buy him another one + one of the very first things will did upon waking up in the hospital was ask if jonathan was okay + will telling them to close the gate in season two even though he's part of the hivemind and that would've killed him, too + will breaking his own heart by confessing his feelings and giving mike the painting he's spent so long on but saying that all of it came from el thus sacrificing his own wants and self to again help others + how that same selflessness and self-sacrificing nature of his is going to undoubtedly rear its head in season five again because he's at the center of it all and it all goes back to him and vecna is a creature that feeds off of n fans the flames of pain and guilt... feelin very scared n anxious in this chili's tonight over this actually 😳

#he is NOT going to die obviously clearly we know this they're not killing kids #BUT. #i'm just saying.... i don't think it would be crazy for him to feel guilty and like maybe this wouldn't have happened if... #well... u kno.. :( #he would never give up bc that's literally his whole thing that he's a fighter and a survivor #but. he does love his friends and his family. and he has been willing to die if it meant saving them before so like. yanno. #BUT IT WON'T HAPPEN I'M JUST SAYING THE ANGST IS LIKELY GOING TO BE THERE #AND THEN OFC EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY WILLIAM SHUT UP SIT DOWN AND GO TO TIME OUT #and then we'll get some good n scrumptious hurt/comfort ok no one stone me i'm knocking on wood ok i Kno #just imagine will proposing that and everyone immediately says NO and mike especially gets pissed #because he's SICK and TIRED of fucking losing will every single time he thinks he's got him back #and god dammit he's already seen what life is like without will there he's not going to do it again he's NOT #don't go where i can't follow + crazy together + it was the best thing i've ever done + it's hawkins it's not the same without you #versus closegate + el commissioned it + she needs you and she always will #mike who is clutching onto will for dear life unwilling to let him go and will who is all too willing to #walk through the gates of hell if it means saving everyone he's ever loved and putting them out of their misery #but of course there's a better plan and letting will die is like killing a puppy it's like taking a sledgehammer to the foundation of #everything yanno. without heart we'd all fall apart n u can't beat the darkness without the light #anyway. can u tell i'm procrastinating editing my fic rn n thats why im writing epic poems in these tags <3 #mine

[ionlycareaboutyou]

in hindsight developing disordered eating habits was probably a bad decision. groundbreaking discovery i know

#my mom sent me a package from america #and she put in goldfish crackers which are my favorite snack #and i used to get so excited to get those packages #but as soon as i got it i texted my friends asking if they wanted it #i ate a sandwich on whole wheat bread and spent hours feeling nauseous with guilt #over a SANDWICH!! #and i'm not underweight or emaciated looking so it's not like anyone can tell #if anything people just praise me for losing weight #i wish i never had to look at or eat food again in my life #i wish i could just wither into a little speck and disappear forever #i'm so fucking sick of this #i'm sick of people having to know me #i'm on the fast track to destroying all my friendships because i'm either unpleasant or i push people away #i suck so fucking bad!!! i'm the fucking worst!!! #and my mom always told me 'if you talk that way about yourself no one will want to hang out with you' #she was right but also it's TRUE!!!! #i'm AWFUL i'm the WORST i'm ugly and stupid and fat and there is absolutely NOTHING redeemable about me #i wish i could just disappear forever i hate this! i hate this i'm so mad at myself!!!

[hawkeyedflame]

.

#im not vagueing anyone specific so if u think this is abt you don't get your underwear twisted okay this is about like. so many ppl. #but it's so fucking frustrating seeing people i know (friends/family/coworkers/etc) going thru so much mental health struggle #often accompanied by physical health issues like weight/skin/pain problems #and knowing their diet is absolutely dogtrash #and trying to come up with a way to tell them that is nice but will maybe get them to think or change their ways #i know i know. you can lead a horse to water and all but it's just fucking agonizing knowing that people are suffering so needlessly #and it would go away if they just put the right food in their bodies #and no this isn't even an injunction to carnivore you can recover significantly with meat-heavy noncarnivore ketogenic diets #but people are so resistant to the idea that they can eat their way out of mental illness even though this is well documented #it just makes me want to rip my hair out that people would really rather stay the same than try something that could make them better #like i really can't fucking relate the whole reason i ended up a carnivore is because i was so *desperate* to be healthy #and trying something for a month just to see sounds so much better than letting everything get worse until i'm literally dying #but then i see so many sick people with garbage diets just completely resist the suggestion that the solution could possibly be so simple #like what more can i do for you? i dont want you to be sick. YOU dont want you to be sick. what do you lose from just trying?? #ugh i cant. im so. i know this is going to be my career path but god fucking damn if it isn't infuriating