#idec if people read it though honestly

[buffenny]

i’ve avoided putting anything on here, on my public accounts because i’m not exactly a public griever. i never will be. i originally wasn’t going to put anything here either, but i think this is the next step in this whole grieving thingy for me.

idec if anyone actually reads this, because this is a comfort for me, plus i don’t think i can stomach not saying anything about someone that meant so much to me despite having never met him. he’s got me through so much. so fucking much. 

also before i get into it, i do want to mention that this is very much me rambling and may also come across sort of vent-like. 

things were really rough for me last night (as im sure it was for so many other people). i cried for so so long to the point where i couldn’t breathe and the only thing i could feel was the pressure of my headache that had formed, it wasn’t even one of those pounding headaches, it was just constant. honestly i blame it on being dehydrated, L to me for not drinking water ig. 

at first i thought it was some kinda of sick joke. about 10 seconds into the video i was actively hoping that it was. i don’t know how to fucking process this or how to properly grieve and i cant even imagine how anyone close to him must be feeling right now. but i bet that they’re fucking proud of him. he’s made such a positive impact on so many fucking people. 

he was the first person i watched when i started watching minecrafters again. instantly i grew attached to his content and his personality. the way he interacted with his friends was just so fucking nice to watch. i cant even explain it well because who the fuck actually manages describes complex emotions like this in full?? 

my first art post on my twitter account was him and my first mcyt post on my instagram account was him. i

 remember being fifteen fucking years old, having no friends and no one to even talk to. i remember being the loneliest i had ever been in my entire life, and i remember how much technos content helped me through that. 

yesterday, when the video was uploaded to his channel, i cried the hardest i had ever cried in my entire life. i have never dealt with grief like this. i’ve never experienced death. but yesterday, everything felt wrong. nothing felt real, it didn’t feel real. i straight up, could not fucking believe it. i still cant believe it. because it doesn’t feel real. i cant wrap my head around him actually being gone. 

and when i say that everything felt wrong, i mean that it felt like i couldn’t do anything. everyone was talking about distractions but i couldn’t distract myself because just the action of doing so felt like i was doing him a disservice. and don’t get me wrong, i know that’s not true, but that’s how it felt. i couldn’t listen to fucking music all day yesterday because the noise was just too loud, and the lights on in my room were too bright so i had to shut them off as well. it all felt so wrong. 

today, seeing the rest of the world move on with their lives was so confusing to me. people have been so excited to watch the new stranger things episodes and i just cant. i cant bring myself to do anything like that. anything that i can’t relate back to technoblade i cant distract myself with. 

i played a bit of minecraft, i watched some of his old videos, i watched phil’s stream. 

it was really nice to laugh with my friends though. i’m glad that i was able to do that today. really fucking glad. 

i’ve been spending a lot of time on twitter. right now the whole place is just full of love and support and other people who are grieving just as much as i am and it’s really fucking nice. 

i’m kind of scared to post this because i’m not really one for being public with my emotions, and i don’t have anything like this on any of my accounts. also the fact that i know my friends will probably see this. but like i said, it felt wrong not to post anything. 

it’s true that i could post something significantly shorter, but i think i’d rather post something that feels more me. 

#technoblade fanart

[rheaweary]

beyond the fleeting gales by crying is no joke the best album i have ever heard in my entire life, like both for personal and objective reasons. the album art is somewhat crude and might put people off about the quality of the music but it seems to be an ongoing joke the band members have going on bcs Look at this shirt lmfao.

the first tracks honestly the only one that I initially did not like listening to because it takes a while to pick up, but over time I’ve come to appreciate it as part of crying’s ability to have a setup and a payoff that’s unpredictable and unbelievably euphoric when it hits you. There are several microexamples of this within every single track on the album, my favorites being in ‘well and spring’ and ‘wool in the wash’, by foreshadowing the final chorus with 2 or 3 lush choruses before it that showcase a new direction in the sound pallet, but leave a bit more to be desired. this is no problem though because that desire is WAY more than met by the end of the song with an explosive final chorus that can only be described as being continuously pummeled by a professional boxer and peaceful waves on a beach at the same time. this method crying uses sticks with me personally because as a musician myself i often find myself making things that i wish i had a way of expanding upon more because i know they have potential, but im just a weak little thang though so it takes a lot of time and effort to make any kind of progress and i usually end up scrapping things. i think that’s one of the common struggles associated with being a musician, but crying’s riffs consistently flesh out their ideas and fully realize them in every single song in BTFG. And they *know* that they can because of the intentional foreshadowing to the epic ending chorus with the little mini choruses. it’s awesome and fresh even after countless listens because the pacing in every concept is so expertly built up to, and none of the grand choruses feel like a truck hitting you in a bad way. its definitely still a truck. but you know youre abt to be hit by it, and know itll feel good. what even is this analogy anyway. im gonna return to the album cover i brought up at the start. have you ever like looked at a piece of art for so long u start seeing things that might not be there? i feel like the album cover for BTFG does this because the painting kinda sucks but i find it to be full of life and revitalized by the music; im finding qualities of it that i like because the music gave that extra dimension to it by association. in a way i think the album cover is like one of those prechoruses that leave more to be desired but are inevitably met by the bandmembers’ artistic vision and confidence plus Skill cos i cant undermine how freaking technical every single moving part of every song is, even the minimal parts bring out a new component. the vocals take the spotlight and turn the vibe knobs to 10 whenever the synths dwindle to the little analog bweep bwoop thingys, and the syncopation with the keys and the guitar is absolutely nuts, especially in solos like the one in wool in the wash. i read a comment once that that song made the OP straightup cry and they couldnt understand why, and that’s exactly the beauty that the songs i BTFG consistently pull through on. I have this thing where i really struggle piecing lyrics/movie dialogue together without captions and even then I really *feel* the passion and vision that the bandmembers wanted to convey. it oozes out of every single second, and so many ideas are packed into each section. sometimes it does feel busy but idec cos it sounds good and thats also just a statement to how much these people love their craft. they put all this time and crammed it into every second, like it all HAD to be there at once before they lost it or something. im kinda the same with my writing style lol but no english teachers grading this so 🖕the lyrics are also some of those poetic interpretable kinda deal, or maybe theyre not and im dumb but Idc. I interpret them to conflicts in my life and they r a nice place to go to to swim in some of my less nice thoughts comfortably, and i think the only other album that’s ever done that for me is vdc by sweet trip. i can keep going but ya this is what happens when nobody responds to me spam posting songs on twitter LOL. thanks for reading

#crying #crying band #album #album review #music review #music #prog #beyond the fleeting gales #crying beyond the fleeting gales #btfg crying #crying btfg #beyond the fleeting gales crying #best album evrrr #i hit the word limit and didnt wanna make a second post so i stopped waahh #listen to this album u wont regret it #one of the best things 2 happen to me #my gender is wool in the wash by crying

[uglypastels]

okay getting to the other stuff now that i’ve said my piece about the heart-wrenching cliffhanger you’re going to keep me up at night with lmao

- he was scared of losing her and was just gonna go be sad in his room by himself🥺

- even though he’s a good pirate (can’t believe i’m a pirate apologist now) he’s killed people before but what sits heaviest with him is that he’s hurt her!!! stfu that’s so pure

- as soon as he said to just call him eddie… oh babeyyy i knew shit was abt to go down in a sinful way. but no! poor eddie was blue balled, reader had a terrifying dream, and us (actual) readers were on the edge of our fucking seat

- the crew said they’d miss her!!

- hellfire shot first, right? (i kept getting interrupted trying to read that part so it’s fuzzy to me) WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE THE RED TAIL SANK I NEED THIS BACKSTORY OH MY GOD

CAN WE TALK ABT THE SMUT JFC. cause you rly fucking delivered on that

- ‘Really? The princess had thought of me, a filthy pirate?’ ‘I’m not a princess.’ You rolled your eyes playfully. ‘Out of all the things to dispute, you argue my words of affection?’

- ^fucking swooning over these lines

- ‘So you can be good for me.’

- ^this one too

- him admitting he lost his control due to jealousy!!! idec if it’s toxic (only cause this isn’t real life) jealous eddie is so hot

- as a tit (wo)man myself, i have to give my thanks for including boob stuff *chefs kiss*

more comments of after the smut cause i apparently have a million fucking thoughts abt this chapter i’m sorry😭

- they comforted each other after their nightmares that is so goddamn sweet im SICK

- ‘I had honesty considered just locking you away and keeping you forever, but I am a man of my word, am I not?’ HE SHOULD HAVE JUST KEPT HER THERE FOREVER. TURNED TF AROUND AND NEVER LOOKED BACK

- reader writing the ransom note and changing the whole story to try to spare eddie/hellfire was so smart oh my god u rly had me fooled that they weren’t gonna get in any trouble and be seen as fucking heroes or smth

- the comment abt him not having carpet fr cracked me up

- he read her mind and shut the idea of staying with him down:(( that son of a bitch (still love him tho)

- and he didn’t tie her hands tight so she could start swinging at any moment!! (c o m e o n reader…we’re fucking waiting! punch ur dad in the face!)

- ‘governor, i see we meet again’ again!!! AGAIN?!!?!

amazing fucking chapter. ur updates always make me so excited, and i’m eagerly waiting for more<333

Dont mind me just giddily giggling over all of this 🤭 but its really hard for me to reply bc i am just rereading your comments and kicking my feet with joy. You really know how to butter me up lmao and i wish i could write rn but i'll be at the beach the whole day so i will have to do with daydreams and the notes app- which, btw, do not ever again apologise for sharing your thoughts!! I as a professional attention whore absolutely thrive off of this so please do not stop

Well, ya know the title of the fic, and it is eddie so you know he's a sweetiepie at heart. He's just been through stuff (and yessss we will find out what. All questions will be answered i hope (unless people have questions to things i did not even consider but so far i dont think that has been the case???).

And listen, with [fan]fiction, there is no such thing as red flags 🫤🙄 only black ones with skulls on them 🏴‍☠️ and toxicity is what makes everything that extra bit spicy.

I am a bit sorry for blueballing yall at the beginning, but if i hadnt then we would not have gotten the rest of the chapter as it is now?? And that counts for something suuurely

plus, i tried to hold off on the smut as long as i could bc i really really do not like writing it, as much as i am an avid lover of it, which brings me to my next point of i really appreciate all the comments on the smut bc i honestly dont know what in doing most times and it was probably the main reason why it took so long to write this chapter because i just freeze up at the mention of genitalia lmao. My brain just becomes that cymbal monkey.

Hehe i was really proud of that pirate/princess line. And the carpet one. Just gotta break up the heaviness sometimes ya know. And you just know these two have that kind of "deprication as love language" affair. Is that a even a thing? Well i made it a thing. Especially since its basically canon for this au that eddie has a major degradation kink.

In a perfect world, they would have been welcomed as heroes, but in a perfect world they also would never have kidnapped her so 🫠

And yes Again 😌

#uglypastels answers #eddielives1986 #long post #hehehehe i love this #probably a bit too much #like youd think i had not written this #but i am really this obsessed with my own work #and what about it #i have very little else going on in my life

[saintobio]

Yoo Saint congrats on releasing SY! Some thoughts I'm having rn:

I have a very bad feeling about this like why do I feel like they'll pretend to still be married until Satoru recovers then when Satoru finally recovers his memories everything's gonna fall apart again

I fear for Sachiro, at this point I just want Sachiro to be happy by the end of this. Idec what happens to Y/n and Satoru though a little bit of me hopes that they're still endgame but rn that sounds horrible maybe closure is better but I want Sachiro to have his happy family poor bb 🥺

I sense a lover's quarrel with Shoko and Suguru coming... BUT LIKE IS ANYONE GONNA TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY'RE ENGAGED?! OR DID I READ THAT WRONG?? If I did read that wrong then pls ignore my dumba** lmao

Momjo putting Y/n in her place like I feel grateful she's calling her out for hiding Satoru's son someone needs to tell her after all

At this point, the only thing I look forward to (no angst-wise) is the Sera love triangle like I can't wait for their Bora Bora scene I feel like it'd be more chaotic than angst lmao, I wanna see Naoya be the clown instead *evil laughs* I'm rooting for SeraSukuna sorrynotsorry

I was scared Satoru would forget about Y/n but in the end it had to be him forgetting those 3 yrs before they divorced 💀 (guess you listened to his prayer huh Saint 😭)

Thanks again for the wonderful series you brought into our lives. Hope you stay safe and healthy!

hmmm good catch, and thank u for reading love !! honestly, sachiro will be the most affected here bc his parents are messy lol poor baby 🥺 and yes ieiri and geto are engaged but they're def bound to have arguments here n there.

the sera x sukuna x naoya is just a side story. i hope people are aware that i won't go deeply into it, but just a few glimpses like sn's naoya x eula x sera.

#saint ♱ asks #series: sincerely yours

[shinjaeha]

ipytm ep 3 (thoughts + spoilers)

this is going to be a tough post for me to do bc honestly...this ep just left me feeling so run down. i know that the cast and crew have always strived for realism and authenticity with this series, but this one was just a lot to take in :/ my thoughts are gonna be even more all over the place than usual but idec at this point. having to rewatch this ep again is really fucking hard (even harder than itsay ep 4 bc even though that makes my heart ache, i still feel some sense of satisfaction from the development we get...this just leaves me feeling defeated in every way).

you know the drill: not an analysis, just me ranting as usual bc free therapy (and boy do i need it after this one)!! i had so many feelings watching this ep (esp towards teh but what’s new), so here goes.

we begin with the drama students rehearsing for jai’s new play, and the introduction of the plum wine which will be the recurring motif in this whole ep. the use of the plum wine in this also kind of reminds me of how teh initially disliked coconuts until he started falling in love with oh-aew and started to like them instead...i’m guessing that’s the parallel they’re trying to draw with the plum wine comparison in this.

teh’s having a hard time getting into character (which we already know from last ep was always going to be one of the toughest challenges for him as an actor). his character in the play is supposed to have a sex scene, but he’s struggling with this bc he can’t put himself in his character (akin’s) shoes, so jai ends rehearsals early.

jai gives them all logbooks which he basically wants them to treat as diaries where they’ll write everything they feel/learn and hand it back to him (he’ll be the only one reading them). ngl this already had me feeling kind of yikes (esp now as i rewatch this knowing how everything went down) since jai already has inside knowledge about teh’s feelings on his relationship with oh-aew which he can take advantage of :/ more on that later though...

it’s sad to me that so much time has passed since teh’s argument with khim and he's STILL avoiding her. khim was someone that he respected immensely (and was such a great mentor for him) so it just sucks to see that their relationship has deteriorated so much since the first two eps. teh might have had his reconciliation moment with oh-aew last ep, but there’s still a lot that he’s not ready or willing to address yet.

i understand that teh’s just encouraging jai about his work when he tells him to stop having others comment on it, but at the same time, i disagree with him bc i think it IS important to get other peoples’ opinion about your work. how else will you ever be able to see things from other perspectives if you don’t?

anyway, teh tells jai he’s seeing a play, and jai asks teh if he’s bringing oh-aew...the look on teh’s face is telling enough that things aren’t going great between them (at least on his end). this brings us to the logbook scene, where teh’s homework for the day is to write about the similarities and differences between himself and his character in the play. this gets teh to reflect on how he feels his relationship with oh-aew is changing, or specifically, how oh-aew seems to be changing so much that teh feels like he’s becoming someone else entirely...and does that mean that he still loves him the same?

i feel like this is a fairly common issue with people that have been in a relationship for a while (and this is their third year together now), so i understand how teh might start having doubts. it’s nothing that oh-aew’s done, it’s just that sometimes all these small changes can keep mounting up to the point that they feel much bigger than they actually are. oh-aew’s really just doing what everyone else does, which is grow and change as they get older, but teh’s still stuck in the past trying to hold onto what they used to have instead of evolving with oh-aew. the way teh picks at all these little changes of oh-aew does make me think that he’s self-sabotaging himself. he’s just so afraid and insecure that oh-aew will change so much he leaves him, that he has to nitpick at reasons why oh-aew’s the one that’s growing away from him (though when we watch the whole ep we know that that’s not the case at all). it’s like a ‘if i push him away first, then he won’t push me away’ sort of self-defence mechanism. either way, teh’s a constant overthinker...and he’s always been his own biggest enemy since the start, so it makes perfect sense to me that he would do this to himself here too.

i know that they’ve been together for years at this point, so things are not quite as exciting as they used to be, but it hurts to see oh-aew be so happy about getting an A for his class, and teh be so unenthused about it. oh-aew has to basically beg teh to give him attention and praise. remember when teh used to get so worried when oh-aew did badly in chinese class...and now it’s like whatever to him just bc he’s not tutoring him/they’re not in the same major anymore :((( i know it’s prob both bc teh’s still hurting that oh-aew transferred majors, and from seeing oh-aew succeed while he feels like he’s failing, but still...

also, not inviting him to see the play with him bc he thought oh-aew wouldn’t be interested/oh-aew kept falling asleep whenever they saw plays together ;;; i get the reasoning from both povs, but it still is nice to be asked :(

so one thing i have to say about the progression of their relationship here is that i just feel this huge disconnect from last ep and this ep?? i know it’s bc of the time skip (since it’s a year later basically), but to go from the end of ep 2, where they’re promising to love each other forever, and then to teh feeling disillusioned/as though he’s falling out of love with oh-aew basically right after that?? it’s so jarring. i feel like we lose so much with these time skips bc the transition from ep 2 to ep 3 is never really shown, so there’s this lack of flow there. like we’ve skipped a step entirely and something’s missing. this is the disadvantage of only focussing on one year per ep since there’s not enough time to explore as much character and relationship development when we’re only seeing an hour long snippet of an entire year. it just makes things feel superficial since so much of what we should be seeing is missing...and we basically have to fill in all the gaps ourselves.

okay, back to oh-aew ranting to his friends about how he feels like his relationship with teh is fading away bc they don’t have the same interests anymore, but also wondering if that’s just normal for long-term relationships. bless that boy that came to ask oh-aew for his ig :’) at least he knows that he’s wanted and has options, even if he obv turns him down bc of teh (for now).

plug and mangpong are dating!!!!!!! and mangpong does a horrible job of trying to hide it 😂 sidenote, but i love the way pp delivers lines sometimes (like the “just shocked”), he’s so cute. plug and mangpong’s legs touching...and the wave of nostalgia that came over me (and oh-aew) during that ;;; oh-aew seeing their blossoming relationship would make him reminisce back to his own experience of falling in love with teh...when everything was still so fluttery and new. so when teh texts him about using his car to help jai move, he looks happy. like he wants to rekindle those feelings again too.

that being said, it’s kind of sad to me how even jai shows more interest in oh-aew’s major than teh (when he asks him for his opinion on how to get people interested in his play). oh-aew’s got some good ideas and is more than willing to help (esp since he wants to connect and find a common interest with teh again). also, just bc oh-aew doesn’t want to be an actor anymore doesn’t mean that he’s completely uninterested in it. god, watching this part again hurts bc oh-aew looks so happy and optimistic. he worked so hard to help teh (and jai) only for them to betray him like that. it made me mad originally, but now it just breaks my heart :(

jai’s running acting classes again for his play, and this time it’s a workshop to help them tap into their feelings. it’s like an intimacy exercise where they give one another consent to touch certain body parts. teh is still struggling a lot with this. i think teh craves intimacy, but as he doesn’t feel that connection in his personal life to oh-aew anymore, so it’s difficult for him to draw on his experiences. he can’t even remember the first time he had sex with oh-aew properly anymore. as usual, teh’s too in his own head to just go with the flow and ~feel things (which isn’t new since teh’s had problems with this since itsay), but it’s def something that he’ll need to learn how to do if he wants to become an actor. he’s trying, but the fact that he can’t get to that place makes him feel even more insecure than ever that he might never be able to get there. imo one of the reasons teh works so hard, and is as driven and ambitious as he is, is that he’s afraid that he’ll never be good enough. he puts so much pressure on himself, and the issue with that is that he’ll never be able to live up to his expectations that way.

teh is also very much alone now. oh-aew has his group of friends to talk to about his relationship with teh, but teh just has jai at this point. he’s pushed khim away...and he and oh-aew aren’t communicating effectively (which is also why they’re on SUCH different wavelengths in terms of where their relationship is at), so there’s literally only jai for him to talk to about all his relationship issues. and to me at least, jai seems to have ulterior motives (particularly when you consider that the subject matter of his play is pretty much the same thing that teh’s going through rn). it’s times like this when i do feel kind of bad for teh, but then again, he brought this upon himself the way that he almost always does...and it leaves me frustrated instead.

jai kissing his professor though...also their conversation?? i have QUESTIONS...

that whole interaction with teh when jai catches him spying on him and the professor was SO awkward. idk what it is about teh but i have never encountered a character that has given me as much secondhand embarrassment as he does. when he starts touching the bars and avoiding eye contact i just- why, teh why?????

moving on, i’m thinking there’s prob more to that scene that we don’t know about bc jai’s shifty like that...but it’s purpose is also to shift teh’s perception of jai. before this, he pretty much just saw jai as his friend and mentor, but seeing him kiss someone else pushes him to think of jai in another less platonic light. like the first spark of attraction.

the both of them go to see the mime show (babymime), and i know that the point of this is so teh can learn to just feel and let go the way that the mimes in this play do, but idk it’s just kind of funny to me the contrast between the last scene and this one. 

the leg touching scene again but this time with teh and jai...thanks, i hate it :/// 

teh’s already feeling like he and oh-aew’s interests are making them drift apart, so by connecting with jai, it’s that initial feeling of attraction that he used to feel with oh-aew all those years ago. jai is that cool senior that he respects...he’s goal-oriented and has so much in common with him (in a way that he feels that oh-aew doesn’t anymore), so it doesn’t altogether surprise me that teh latches onto jai in this way. esp when all their conversations revolve around what teh’s most passionate about, and what dreams they’re striving towards in the future.

it doesn’t surprise me bc teh’s affections shifted in a similar way from tarn to oh-aew when he was first starting to realise his feelings for oh-aew too (though at least he and tarn were never officially dating during that time...)

there’s a genuineness to the way teh praises and encourages jai that isn’t there when he’s doing the same to oh-aew :( and that coupled with teh lying to oh-aew about him having dinner with jai while oh-aew is at home, completely oblivious, painstakingly photoshopping his boyfriend’s face on the poster of the play TO HELP TEH instead of doing his own uni work, makes me so fucking upset for oh-aew.

it’s interesting to see how different their personalities are even when it comes to something as simple as the way they read their texts. oh-aew is so ready to accept whatever teh tells him at face value, but teh overthinks everything to the point where he jumps to a certain conclusion in his head about it instead.

but yeah, it’s just really tough to see oh-aew try so hard for teh, only to see teh do nothing back for oh-aew in return. there’s only so much one side can give. it’s the absolute lack of effort on teh’s part to even try to make things work with oh-aew that is the most frustrating thing of all. oh-aew is carrying their entire relationship rn and it makes me feel all “and for what?? why should he even bother??” about it.

sneaking to sit at the river with jai is like this forbidden, new experience, so it just enhances that feeling of attraction that teh is already feeling towards jai. and esp when he starts telling him about his previous relationship with james, the significance of the plum wine, and how jai ended up breaking up with him. since it’s reflective of teh’s own experiences atm (even in how he kind of self-sabotages himself to push people/oh-aew away first), he clearly takes it to heart. and it makes him want to do an even better job since the play is an autobiographical one for jai. not to mention, teh supposedly being the only one that jai told his story to makes him feel ‘special’......and we all know how teh likes feeling as though he’s special to someone. you can see it in how dejected he is when he thinks jai only told him his story bc he wanted him to get into character better, but perks up the moment jai says he actually told him bc teh’s been doing such a good job (and to encourage him). like i mentioned before, teh’s already feeling vulnerable and isolated from everybody else, so hearing any sort of praise (and esp when it’s from someone that he looks up to as much as jai), is going to pull him in.

when they were hiding from the security guard i was like ughhh i know where this is heading and i. don’t. like. it........

the problem is that i know where teh stands on this. like i know that there’s some attraction on his end. but i don’t know where jai stands. is he intentionally manipulating teh’s feelings for his play? is there any sincerity there? i think it’s obvious that he can tell teh is attracted to him from the glance that they share in this scene, but i can’t get a handle on what he actually wants (which i guess is the point of making his character as mysterious as it is but still). and if he can tell, and he doesn’t actually like teh back in that way, it makes the end scene even more yikes imo.

hmmm teh lying in the pool trying to recreate that feeling right before their first kiss when the both of them just let everything go and sank down into the water. that’s how you KNOW the next scene is supposed to be angsty...bc just like how their first underwater kiss had a sense of sadness to it bc they were hiding, their first (on screen) sex scene has that same sense of sadness, only this time it’s bc teh’s using his attraction to jai/his method actor desire to get into character to fuel the sex instead of bc he genuinely just wants to have sex with oh-aew. and if his reasoning for the sex is bc of that, then his task to recreate their first sexual experience will never live up to the actual first time they had sex (when they BOTH wanted it, and there were no other factors involved).

that’s not to say i don’t think teh doesn’t love oh-aew anymore. i think that there HAS to be some level of love still there amidst all of the confusion, but it feels a lot more like he’s testing his love/attraction to oh-aew during this scene (sort of like how he did with tarn in itsay) than a proper ‘love scene’. like he’s trying to reconfirm his feelings, whilst using oh-aew as inspiration for his role at the same time. it makes my heart ache that this is the first love scene we get from them this series, and it’s marred by the context of what we know is going on in teh’s head. like i said, it’s this permeating sadness throughout...and just knowing that oh-aew has absolutely NO IDEA what’s going on with teh and why he suddenly wants to have sex makes it worse. oh-aew’s been trying to make things work, and in his mind, teh spontaneously coming over like this prob makes him think that things are getting better between them since this is also the closest thing to teh showing any sort of initiative to work on their relationship in this ep so far...

and that’s not also taking away how beautifully this whole scene is shot. i’ve always loved the way that teh and oh-aew play and flirt with each other (bkpp’s chemistry is honestly unparalleled!!) so it was nice to see them be kind of playful before they started kissing again (if you ignore how sad this scene really is). i LOVE the inter-splicing between their first time on the beach and the present. the way the score swells, and little moments where you can see their feet and fingers interlocked on the beach. it gives you such a visceral visual (and totally takes me back to itsay days when that sort of imagery was used a lot more). i just hate that since we know the truth, this scene is more uncomfortable than satisfying despite how nicely shot it is.

i wish we got more domestic moments from them. i know their relationship has sort of grown past those initial moments of flirtation, but it truly makes me sad that we don’t get to see more of them as a couple in general in ipytm. moments like this where they’re lying in bed cuddling each other are so few and far between that i always feel like i have to cherish every little fleeting piece of fluff that i can get. even if idek if this can really be called fluff since the context sort of ruins it.

oh-aew’s still got his heart attack bag :’)))

he was soooooo happy when he met up with his friends 😭 but also, how the hell is it possible for teachers to move deadlines up like that. i FEEL that panic... poor oh-aew...

teh’s in rehearsals again and this time he’s wearing his moon shirt which...i do NOT need those ep 3 itsay vibes rn when i was already dreading this last ten minutes with everything i have in me :((( but anyway, jai’s brought plum wine to class and we know that teh doesn’t usually drink, but he does this time. he tells teh that the taste will change over time (it symbolises the ageing of the relationship process), and teh says it’s a pity he won’t get to taste it next time since jai wants to go abroad to study. then teh tells him he’s worked on the acting exercise and wants to try it out with jai, and i feel like we all knew where it was going to go from here.........

they really had to hammer it in with him missing oh-aew’s call too huh :/

as soon as they started the touching/intimacy exercise again i was just waiting for the catch. even on this rewatch i’m still sitting here chanting “don’t do it teh don’t do it” knowing full well that he kisses jai and there’s no changing that. but then when they cut to oh-aew walking up the stairs with the posters and you hear just how much time he’s sacrificed to help teh/jai on this...sacrificing time EVEN NOW just to go over to their uni to give them the posters when he has a presentation due tomorrow that he and his friends still haven’t finished working on...it’s just heartbreaking knowing what he’s going to end up walking in on.

whether it’s itsay or ipytm, teh’s default state is confusion. so while i think that there’s a certain amount of attraction towards jai there of course, i kind of get the feeling that he’s confusing his feelings of connection with jai (bc of their shared interests and passion) with him falling in love with jai. i feel like his attraction to jai reminds him of what it was like when he was first attracted to oh-aew, and since things have changed so much between him and oh-aew, it’s like he wants to recreate and capture that feeling again with jai (which is also why he wears the moon shirt...he wore that during itsay ep 3 beach scene, which was the moment when the attraction really started to burn between him and oh-aew). he can’t feel that same spark with oh-aew anymore, so he transfers his feelings to jai since, at this point in time, he feels closer to jai than anyone else. instead of growing alongside oh-aew, it’s like he’s choosing to revert back to a time when he was happier.

we know that teh has always been the type of person that will act on his impulses when he feels them. that’s WHY it was so hard to watch...bc i knew while watching that last scene, he was never going to restrain himself or put a stop to those feelings bleeding over into action. and esp not when it could benefit him in some way with his acting too.

in the end, it just makes me so devastated for oh-aew. and i really hope that he doesn’t let this go bc he thinks it’s just teh method acting or getting into character or whatever...i know that teh’s feeling a lot of conflicting things rn, but that’s not an excuse. he really fucked this one up.

the thing is, it’s not that i don’t think teh is capable of acting this way (i’ve seen a few people say that this is ooc for him, but it really isn’t? this confusion and impulsiveness has always been a part of his character from the very start...he was always the one that had the most trouble dealing with his feelings out of the two of them), but the time skips don’t do him any favours bc we lose all those moments that take him to what he’s currently feeling. when we don’t have those moments, then it’s a lot harder to sympathise with him. in itsay, bc we always knew how teh got from point a to point b, even if he did frustrating/silly things, i always understood where he was coming from. i always felt for him. i GOT his struggles, which was why i was always able to empathise with what he was going through. in ipytm, he just comes off as unlikeable bc of how superficial his feelings seem (from what we’re being shown on screen at least).

falling out of love with your significant other/starting to feel things for someone else is obv a fairly common experience, so i don’t blame teh for FEELING like this, but it’s how he treats oh-aew throughout this that doesn’t sit right with me. even if you feel like you’re falling out of love with someone, or that they’ve changed since the first time you fell in love with them, you’d think there’d be some motivation to at least TRY to make things work with them before giving up. we never see that from teh at all. instead, he just see him becoming infatuated with jai (so we barely see teh/oh-aew together in the first place). and while i can see now that a lot of this is due to his own insecurities and inadequacies, it’s also just so disrespectful to oh-aew who's the one that we see putting in all this time and effort (it calls back to their whole “don’t give my time to others” scene in itsay bc we see oh-aew giving so much of his time to teh through helping him out with his play, while teh’s giving that time that should be for oh-aew to jai now). no matter his reasoning, watching teh act that way towards oh-aew does make it increasingly hard to root for him. there’s just too big a disparity in how the two of them choose to act and devote their time to their relationship.

what’s frustrating is that in itsay, teh would fuck up but he would always try to make amends with oh-aew in some way. he would always come forward to try to sort things out after...but there’s nothing here. even after their dinner fight in ep 2, it’s OH-AEW that reaches out to him first (even though it’s teh’s fault that they fought in the first place). where’s that boy that dressed up in his old school uniform in order to talk to oh-aew at his school? or made a whole chinese idioms scrapbook for oh-aew? or gave up his uni admission for oh-aew? i understand that characters and motivations change (and he was obv hopped up on his first love with oh-aew at the time), but it’s just really, really sad to see teh keep messing up and not even try to meet oh-aew halfway with this. yes, you can fuck up, but there are only so many times you can keep fucking up before it starts to look more like a pattern of shitty behaviour than a few forgivable missteps.

another issue is that there’s been so much focus on teh and his flaws that a lot of the time oh-aew comes off as a side character to teh’s story. previously, i understood that since teh was grappling with his sexuality. it made sense that his journey was the primary focus of the plot and character development. but i always felt that there was more room to explore oh-aew’s story (and i thought that we would get a lot more of that in ipytm...esp after ep 1), but it just feels like we kind of skimmed past all of oh-aew’s growth and struggles adjusting to bangkok/uni life so we could turn the attention back to teh again. i just hate that we never get to see more of how oh-aew’s changed in teh’s eyes (other than the surface level things like his hair, new car and major), and that we never get to see more of oh-aew’s life when it’s not related to teh in general. i hope that we’ll get more of oh-aew in the last two eps, but i really don’t know what they’ll give us anymore.

at this point, i don’t even want them as endgame anymore given everything that’s happened in the recent ep. and it pains me so much to say that bc teh/oh-aew are so immensely important to me, but they’re just in such different places in life. and teh esp has so much more growing to do (i think i said this last week too? teh...). oh-aew deserves to be with someone that can see his worth as he is (that won’t cheat on him for one!!). i just want him to be with someone that can make him happy. what i wanted most for them out of this was for the two of them to grow to a better place (together and as individuals), and while i still want that for them as individuals, it’s hard for me to want them to be happy together anymore. at least for the time being.

i’m kind of at a loss for how they’re gonna work through this (and i genuinely want oh-aew to be able to explore his options too...particularly with someone that will actually treat him better than teh’s treating him atm). so at this point it’s kind of looking to me like a break up is inevitable? but i do think it’s necessary  for both of them rn. i feel so heartbroken about it though...like ipytm is actually making ME go through the breakup...breaking up with all my beloved itsay teh/oh-aew memories :((( anyway, i think a break up is also conveniently the best time to put a time skip tbh...so we’ll see if that does end up happening now in future eps.

this one took such a long time to write up bc i wrote like a quarter of this RIGHT after i finished watching the ep (so you can clearly tell which parts were me right after the ep, and which parts were me after i had some time to sit on what happened 😂), but i thought it was best to take a bit of a break. i didn’t rewatch it again until i calmed down a little and sorted out my thoughts some more (though i know this is still pretty messy). but yeah, i’m still very much interested in watching how they things are going to progress from here...but i can’t deny how sad i’ve been feeling after this.

#i promised you the moon #ipytm #text #i feel like i always need to rewatch ipytm eps bc i'm so HEATED during the first watch #but then by the second one i've usually calmed down so much more #like i obv still have a lot of things that i'm not super happy with (and rewatching this again didn't really bring me joy) but still #i get so invested in itsay/ipytm that sometimes i just gotta take myself out of the situation and go live my life for a bit #i was meant to post this yesterday bc it's been sitting in my drafts for too long but i just woke up (it's 2am) so what better time hah

[cycloplasm]

003 for the last fandom you were in (like, reading a post about/drawing for/watching/reading, etc. the last fandom thing you saw/partook in 😂💙✨) Also bonus: Share an interesting fact about one of your personal characters 👀✨

WELL technically the last fandom i *was in* was DB- and the last fandom thing *i saw* was Pop’n music, and the last one i *partook in* was KH... so distraction is distraction; triple whammy time idec

But wait the 003 one is with specific characters :Oc... im going to do these with my faves for each then, but if that’s not what you wanted feel free to correct me i’ll re-do it 😂 also MEGA LONG LOL

🐉 low and behold my fav from this series is COOLER

How I feel about this character: now the only reason i ever got into DB in the first place was because of Frieza- that i saw on the cover of the manga, while buying groceries with my mom. Like when she would go and pay, she’d let me go to the ‘kid’s books’ section, who was right next to the cashiers. And there was that ONE DB manga with final form Frieza on it, and was like WOW and begged my mom to buy it- she did; she didn’t know DB and never really knew that it wasn’t the best thing to buy for 6 years old me, lol. So uhm that got me into DB and after buying like 10 DB manga books with pretty (but deceptive) covers, i somehow got that one DS game- Supersonic Warriors 2. I had no idea there was an anime (believe it or not), and as you can guess had no knowledge of the movies, so this game introduced me to quite a bunch of characters- including Cooler! ... Tho uhm ngl it wasn’t an instant love like Frieza- i was still 6 so i was like ´purple frieza with prettier colors’ and that’s it. Fast foward because this is LONG LOL SORRY but got to know Salza and (vaguely) Cooler’s general motivations thanks to PS2’s Budokai Tenkaichi 2, around 2015 i got back into DB, and actually watched their movie... And honestly i had no idea that HE was like that- truly bitter towards his brother AND father, and had to actually prove himself; and only to get nothing from the two when he PUSHED HIMSELF SO FAR HE ACHIEVED A TRANSFORMATION *NO ONE ELSE* HAS ACHIEVED. Like let’s be real, Frieza is a VILE person, beyond cruel- but Cooler? He’s somehow worse, because he has reasons to be bitter- to me it can fuel his cruelty even further than Frieza and idk. It’s great. I’ll come back to it further in this but i feel this is a VERY interesting concept for a ‘frieza sibling’ villain.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: no one- Cooler’s super aromantic (and ace) in my head. Doesn’t even understand the concept of friendship, so love? Lol no. But i hc that Dore is romantically attracted to him though- Cooler has no idea, and maybe that’s for the best, i think he might react badly if he knew.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: surprise, surprise, CoolerxSalza lol. I might reiterate things i already said/mentioned, but. I think Salza genuinely believes in Cooler- the latter kind of ‘saved’ him from Brench, a place where he was the very best and that bored him almost to death; and Salza was always sadistic, so the fact that he not only got a job about making ppl miserable (or better- killing them), but actually gets to do it with someone else (even if it’s in professional terms), Salza just. REALLY looks up to Cooler. But as his right hand, he actually got to witness Cooler talking with his father/brother, and how they argue- that made Salza realize that, as tough Cooler is, he’s a real person and certain things can get on his nerves. And so Salza comforting Cooler is. Very important to me

My unpopular opinion about this character: h-he.. trans,. Boy- no but legit uhm tbh. he’s better than Frieza in some ways, fight me. Much more potential. Proof: how ToP Frieza was just re-iterations and nothing new- the only thing new being that last attack w goluband that’s it. While Cooler! There’s so much you can explore- feelings-wise especially. Because imo he HAS feelings but he was taught to show otherwise

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: honestly? As much as i’d like him back in a movie, something i kept thinking/hoping would happen was Cooler and Trunks’ interaction potential. Like both have harsh fathers, and idk they could have some kind of relationship based on that? Like not ANYWHERE near friendship- or anything like that; more like a ‘i thought i was the only one with this problem’ kind of relationship.

Favorite friendship for this character: SALZA LOL and DBHeroes Trunks, even if it breaks my hope for them bounding out of convienance but also bc of dad issues

My crossover ship: honestly HONESTLY Satori from 2hu. They’re like, the same. Asocial creepy older sibling that, in-universe, isn’t very liked, while their younger is going around and being a nuisance at best. They could talk over tea, and put their younger parasites in cages while doing so

🎶🎵🎶🎵Pop’n music i guess?!!?? even though i never played it and i’m just digging the songs and chara designs?!?! Anyway my fav is Yima

How I feel about this character: i love everything about him? The fact that he’s very visually different and unique from all other characters and in general, how no one seems to know what he really is, and especially. ESPECIALLY! How he apparentely never talks, and expresses himself via dancing, by taking poses that look like kanjis and symbols. Also apparentely he’s super in touch with nature and ‘the gods’, so he’s never seen with anyone else? Asocial creature... Good!

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: he doesn’t know what a romance is. And he wouldn’t eat one because honestly i’m not even sure he has a mouth. The only ‘proof’? Sign? He has SOMETHING is that one pose where he’s smoking a pipe/using a flute. and according to the creators his ‘likes’ is Love, but honestly i think it’s the kind of love that goes beyond mere romance. The love of living, being alive. Deep love.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: well. Technically the only thing he communicates to- (intentionally) is the player? So what if he’s aware of the player- are they one of his gods? I think that’s interesting to think about.

My unpopular opinion about this character: he’s a very unique character, much better than the protagonists that look good in the Pop’n music style, but would like any other anime human otherwise. If anything, proof of that is that one game where the style DOES change to an anime-like one, and Yima still looks unique while the others are undistinguisable if you take off their colors and/or features

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: HONESTLY i know this will never happen and maybe that’s a good thing? But i think he should be shown with Hoshi no Hito- which is kind of the entity antithesis of Yima. Yima = unknown entity that strives for Love, the gods, nature/life/fertility. Hoshi no Hito = unknown entity that strives for ??? Who knows actually but is tied to ‘Paradise of the universe’ and ‘Heaven’; the latter according to one of his theme songs, that has VERY strange imagery and looks stranger than Yume Nikki, making that ‘Paradise’ notion kind of. Like are you sure?? But yeah they’re similar while contradicting each other, it’s very strange and honestly not sure if it’s intentional, but if it is: do something with it, you’ve got something VERY unique on your hands! Do this and i’ll actually get into this series tbh.

Favorite friendship for this character: the way he loves nature and his gods is very endearing. Invite the player into it, Yima

My crossover ship: what is romans again i forgot

❤️KH and then you can leave, my child. The text wall is almost over........ Xemnas time.

How I feel about this character: me! BIG GAY! FOR XEMNAS! SINCE 2011!!!! Like bruh i remember i made a Gary Stu to date all my fav KH boys (Xem, Zexion and Vanitas- that are still my top faves. Been so for 9 years then lol?! Im old.) and my totally-not-a-secret-selfinsert would actually be in a relationship with Xemnas- even if back then, Xem wasn’t REMOTELY in character lol. So somehow it took me YEARS to realize how truly great Xemnas is? Like before i was only like ‘he’s one of the most handsome 3D men of all time’. Now i am like exactly that, BUT! He’s also a cult leader, not entirely human, and a mean villain so 👍👍👍. And while i have mixed feelings abt the whole ‘he lied to the orgXIII about them not able to have feelings’ thing, proves he’s truly evil and/or emotionless.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: no one- another aro/ace lol. But to be fair- this one makes sense? He has NO EMOTIONS. He doesn’t even seem to understand friendship? So love? What is that

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: well ok this is one somewhat implied and never shown, and i was going to do a picture about it (i’m still going to do it lol) but. According to Nomura in an interview, Xemnas and Zexion have a teacher-student relationship? Which makes a lot of sense? Because: 1) Zexion is the ‘kid that mostly grew up in the cult, so doesn’t know anything else’ trope. 2) their powers can somewhat relate imo? Zexion has illusion powers. Xemnas has nothingness powers- and aren’t illusions nothing, in a way...? That one might be just me tbh- but i can kind of see them talking about their powers together. 3) Zexion is a ‘schemer’- he’s no stranger to manipulating people- wouldn’t it make sense if he learmed that from Xemnas? I honestly doubt he learned it from Lexaeus, Vexen or Ansem- and Xigbar is WAY too subtle. Might have learned from Xaldin as well but legit i think it’s Xem who taught it to him.

My unpopular opinion about this character: i don’t think he should be redeemed- they avtually didn’t do that, which i’m glad about. He lied to people for 10 YEARS about them being unable to feel, all that so he could softcore brainwash them later so they could be more like him, so not worth redeeming lol...

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: ... BUT... tbh. I think the fact that he’s Terra’s nobody should have been much more explored. Before kh3 i even hoped Xem would have what i call an ‘asriel moment’, as in ‘i’m a bad guy but in the past i was a completely different person (literally) and let me have a breakdown over it’. Also hoped that would have made Terra’s Kh3 design- as in Xemnas’ look (long hair, face) with Terra’s colors... but no they didn’t do that, instead they did something that kind of makes sense since Xem died in kh2, but also did a weird thing with Terra that i don’t get and frankly don’t care about bc it doesn’t involve Xemnas

Favorite friendship for this character: again i don’t think he understands friendship... but i love the idea of Xigbar fucking with Xemnas and the latter tolerating it. I mean in canon it’s mostly shown that SAÏX is the right-hand man, but i like to think that it’s actually Xigbar but he doesn’t care and only annoys everyone

My crossover ship: not really a ship but. Since Xemnas and Cell’s JP Voice actor is the same person... and that they’re both villains that really love themselves... interact

#asks #this is so long srry 😢 #but it helped me not think of the bad things so 👍💖 #... really hopes mobile doesn’t fuck up the paragraphs

[roger-that-cap]

Heyy you

So i just read "burning red, shimmering golden" again and wow, i had forgotten how much i liked that one. I remember you were not very happy with it because of the lack of response, but i truly loved it then and i still love it now, and i'm sure more people feel the same, even if they don't take the time to say it.

Anyways, i just figured that it wouldn't hurt to tell you that, so yeah. Have a good day 💕

-🌙

hi moonie!! i was just thinking about you actually! thank you for showing it love. honestly idec if anyone else liked it because you did, so thank you for always being here even though i literally don’t have the capacity to write anymore 💀 if i ever find it in me to go again it’ll be because of you honestly

ily!! how are you??

#🌙 anon #💕💕💕💕

[multsicorn]

1, 14, 30

thanks for the questions!

1. Your favourite non-canon ship?Currently, my favorite ship (Jack/Parse) is non-canon... or is it?  They were together, in some meaning of the word together, for a while in the past, but my shipping’s not at all limited to that.  And I’m pretty sure my other favorite ship (Kent/OMC aka the ao3 tag for Kent/happiness) is also not canon, but maybe Kent has an awesome boyfriend out there beyond the bounds of the panels somewhere, who knows!

My favorite random-ass totally non-canon ship for Check, Please is Jack/Shitty (if I call it jackshit enough, will anyone eventually join in), just cause... I don’t know?  I like the characters, I like their friendship, and it’d be the sort of hop-skip-and-a-jump from canon that interests me.

My favorite non-canon ship OF ALL TIME is... probably Roy/Ed, from Fullmetal Alchemist.  (’03 anime version preferred, but I think the fic I love most is influenced by both the first anime and the manga; written pre-Brotherhood, though.)  I love the push-pull of the power dynamics, I love the both the characters (iron woobies

14. Is there a ship you feel gets undeserved hate in fandom?In Check Please fandom?  Anything about Kent Parson, (who is my fave, idec what anyone thinks, he’s the whole reason I’m in this godforsaken fandom), although that’s more ‘character’ than ‘ship.’  Also I don’t know how much there is nowadays, cause I pretty much stay in my corner, but I’ve read around enough to know that some of my favorite fic authors left before I even came into the fandom because of it.

(And, no, obviously, it’s not deserved, I’m not dignifying that with elaboration.)

‘Ship’ rather than ‘character’ though?  That I’m aware of in some other way than ‘general rubbernecking of fandom wanks’?  Hmmm.  The closest thing I can think of is the objections to rule 63 of Jack/Parse, which I will defend, because a. making one of the characters in a canon m/m ship a cis girl, in this case, allows you to tell a story about this character being a cis girl in the environment of Juniors hockey and/or the NHL - any other sort of gender AU would be a different story, and I think we should have them all, b. if you make both of them cis girls, yep, I’m for exploring that too! but you lose the specific story of being the ~only one~ - and, more interestingly, of having the boyfriend who kind of gets it and kind of really really doesn’t, the way the CHL/NHL surroundings are replicated and not inside the relationship.

(Are there other ships out there in omgcp fandom that get hate, though?  Maybe, and if so I’m against it, I just don’t follow the fandom overall enough to be aware of them.)

30. Is there a ship you like but you dislike the fandom?I can’t for the life of me think of a canon where I’ve fallen in love with a ship, went to check out the fandom, and gone, hell no, I’m staying away.  Possibly because I typically get sucked into ships (and, frequently, canons) by fandoms rather than vice versa.  And on the rare occasions where I find a ship I love enough ~in the wild~ to go looking for a fandom, I’m usually rewarded not with success but with either nothing at all or ‘five or ten people over the years have written single stories on ao3, a couple of them might even be good.’

If I go to ‘disliking the fandom for the ship’ rather than the whole canon’s fandom, though.  Back when I was in Hamilton fandom my favorite ship was Hamilton/Laurens (yes, based mostly on the letters, not the play, but I loved the hints in those letters, which I was brought to by the play I loved)... and all the cool kids (all the best writers, all my friends) mostly loved other ships.  Whereas Ham/Laurens was the juggernaut ship of the fandom, but populated mostly by incredibly toothless fluffy modern au’s, and also quite a few wankers, eventually :|.

Hamilton/Eliza was my other favorite ship in that fandom, and it also brought me knocking unfortunately close up against wankers who ~didn’t want to be associated with me~ (are you ever getting over that, mults? idk, ask me in a few years again!).

And, I mean, hey, this is ‘got’ rather than ‘gets’ (I believe), but back then, Washington/Hamilton, which is what the bulk of the best writers imo shipped, which I read sometimes but could not properly ship (e.g., write) for still mysterious to me reasons (in every other case I love commander/lieutenant, I love the complicated power dynamics fuckery way they need each other, why not here, mults??), got.. a shitton of horribleness.  And no, none of it was deserved.

#meme #camilliar #thank you for asking! #why do i have SO MUCH TO SAY lol #fandom how does it work #jackshit #f: in those days we really believed #f: yayhamlet #omgcheckplease stuff / #dayenu #.... how can i have forgotten my old ship tags OH WELL

[puddlies]

if ur gonna read this like it please, just helps keep my anxiety down.

been having a good week honestly. great one. i was home for a day, though, and it honestly just made me miss old times. seeing my friends every day and being w people im comfortable. coming home to my cat. 

a kid brought a gun to my old hs today and it just made me that much more paranoid about losing people i love. im already terrified of abandonment, but losing someone to something like that would kill me.

anyway so i just got into a bad bad mood. also a friend keeps asking me to come over and it just stresses me out to be around her. i feel like im losing my new friends bc ive been self isolating a lot which just makes me that much more dependent on my old friends hhg bad Shit. and then tonight i was just having thoughts as one does and i gave in and i feel rlly bad abt it. it was rlly hard and im mad at myself bc ive been getting so good at coping n stuff.

i dont want people to see the cuts and think im like That bc as far as my new uni friends r concerned im neurotypical and idkk. shame u kno. it was a serrated knife cause i didnt bring any good knives to uni bc i didnt trust myself but really fuck u past self it just hurt more. 

im ok now and im not at risk but yea. msg me some dogs that’d b nice. or a mouse or a bird idec

#moni mumbls #self harm tw #gun tw #shooting tw #like if u read

[goldbasar]

Archombadin/Lebrassoir, Onyx/Thancred and- Foulques/Nephilyr. Yes, good.

ofc YOU’D DO THIS TO ME. adding two of my top ships. iluread more because this is gonna get lengthy, obviously

archombadin/lebrassoir

I consider this ship’s feelings: Mutual | Mixed | Strange | Awkward | Platonic | Sibling-like | One-sided | They don’t really like each other |I could also bold one-sided for archombadin and dislike for lebrassoir but mixed/strange/awkward pretty much covers all of this as I think that their feelings are, in a very complicated way, still mutual (i wrote a whole essay about this to my soulmate @rinarcher she knows how deep in I am)

I’d consider the relationship: Healthy Awkward (post!scholasticate QL jam…that slow burn redemption with a chance for a healthy relationship…one day. sob.) | Abusive (goes without saying, before the QL finale, obviously…) | Doesn’t work properly | They’d never get together 

General Opinion: THEY!ARE!MY!OTP! they completely caught me off guard in the finale and burned themselves into my weak little heart ever since. I LIVE for that twist and what it does to Archombadin’s character, I live for the complex and complicated implications of what Lebrassoir is like, what his feelings are like. I adore how much their relationship adds to Ishgard’s storytelling from a society/ master+servant pov and how they mixed it up with an actual amazing development for Archombadin as a result. I LOVE THAT HE’S SO SHAKEN BY HURTING LEBRASSOIR AND NOT SEEING IT ALL THIS TIME. basically lebrassoir made him change and he wants to atone for everything he stood for, he’s not once blaming Lebrassoir for what he was trying to do to the Dzemaels, TO HIM, because he’s too hurt by HURTING THE PERSON CLOSEST TO HIM, and that in itself means a whole damn lot for a character like archombadin who previously would’ve changed at nothing to preach his narrow-minded ways- that in itself shows how much lebrassoir means to him. also. that post!QL outlook of him going to visit Lebrassoir and them having that amazing slow burn hurt/comfort/redemption relationship is so up my alley…I cry… the fact that they were inseperable - despite Lebrassoir’s innermost feelings - is a bonus. lebrassoir got his second key instead of father saturnois. lebrassoir manages ALL his funds. It’s sad in retrospect but it’s still all there. they spent their years 24/7 together (so everytime I imagine how strange and…empty they must feel without the other around post!QL, I cry) bury me in feelings about the confession scene in the headmistresses’ office. Archombadin’s speech and Lebrassoir not being able to look at him kills me.and last but not least: archombadin damn well needs to work for this, I want him to try his hardest and still failing at first. HE DESERVES THAT. (still want them to eventually make it tho, I want it so much)

thancred/onyx

I consider this ship’s feelings: Mutual | Mixed | Strange | Awkward | Platonic | Sibling-like | One-sided | They don’t really like each other |

I’d consider the relationship: Healthy | Awkward | Abusive | Doesn’t work properly | They’d never get together |

General Opinion:okay so like…let it be said that this was my first actual ship in the game (ul’dah starter life) and skyrocketed once the Ifrit Arc rolled around because Thancred kept blaming himself so much; 2.0′s character writing in the MSQ wasn’t actually TOO fledged out so I was amazed by Thancred being more than what he would have us believe. The 2.0 finale, the wol saving thancred, all of that made me cry. fasting forward to Heavensward, there’s a lot of subtle complications I felt from the way he came across as distant; changed, and almost hurtful after learning the wol wasn’t able to save Minfilia and instead forged this bond with Ishgard, but he comes around. Everything I can say about these two would be diving into headcanon territory but I just. imagine her having a crush on him since forever and not knowing what to do with that, to cherishing him honestly for giving her a place with the Scions, her family. I consider them never making it because it’s not in neither of their nature and would disrupt the balance of their personal - and as scion’s -relationship (her being the ~hope of eorzea and him having self-doubts anyway).

foulques/nephillyr

I consider this ship’s feelings: Mutual | Mixed | Strange | Awkward | Platonic | Sibling-like | One-sided | They don’t really like each other |

I’d consider the relationship: Healthy | Awkward | Abusive | Doesn’t work properly | They’d never get together |

General Opinion:while arch/leb is my npcxnpc otp; THIS IS MY ALL-TIME-FAVORITE, idec if it’s pcxnpc, it made me feel too much. so okay listen;  Where do I even start with these two. Foulques is someone who only experienced unfairness in his life to the point where he loses himself in his insane mindset; ultimately he is someone who trusts no one. Someone who only hates. However: This man wants her to understand his views - his way of thinking of courage - the only things that define him in his head anymore bc weakness = worthlessness/death. He wants her to understand him. He wants her to leave the people who hurt him to the core and she’s unfortunately associated with; not because of how much he hates them, but because he sees so much in her. In his mind, Hating makes him strong and trusting in comradeship makes him weak after it served to make a scapegoat out of him, following imprisonment. Yet!! he trusts in her potential and wants her to come with him. It’s extremely poignant to his character. now, in LNC 20, she sets her life on the line to protect his life, which has constantly been branded as worthless or corrupt by everyone around him. She tries to save him. And even though she ultimately fails, she was the only one who ever cared enough about him to put herself between him and the beast. He hates everyone else. He hates himself and constantly struggles to prove his existence. But he is infatuated with her.Even by the end of the story, when his sanity is gone for good and they fight a battle that decides over superiority - life and death - he still acknowledges her to be the only person worthy and that is so very tragic to me because she obviously does not want to fight him. she runs after him as he falls. he reaches out because he’s far gone, but he’s so afraid of dying. And she has to live with that. Even when the Guild she’s part of antagonizes him and writes him off as “duskwight rogue”, there’s something between them that you can’t describe in just one word. frustration and obsession, yes, but also. attraction, empathy. sympathy. valuing each other’s life.Neph->Foulques is headcanon territory again but let it just be said, it SCARRED HER, what happened to him, what happened within the guild, in Gridania.  I know a huge aspect in their interaction is how Foulques is creepy and obsessive af…my ships are questionable but very, very feelsy for me. I think about them a lot

#duskwild #otp: lest we hurt the people closest to us #ship: I owe you my life #otp: you had promise

[bravado-raven]

Get To Know Me

Tagged by the magnificent @itana-007, Thank you so much for tagging me :D. I apologise for not doing these sooner tumblr isnt giving me damn notifications =P.

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag however many people you want!

THE LAST: 1. Drink: Water 2. Phone call: IRL friend Ash 3. Text message: @haikyuukazoo 4. Song you listened to: It Has Begun ~ Starset 5. Time you cried: 2 hrs ago, lmao.

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Nup 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Nope 8. Been cheated on: Nah 9. Lost someone special: Definitely 10. Been depressed: Absolutely 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Not legally allowed to drink =P

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLOURS: 12-14: Today i’m feeling Turquoise, Brown and Olive

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Online, Yeah. IRL, lmao who’d wanna talk to this nerd. 16. Fallen out of love: Not sure i truely know what love is. 17. Laughed until you cried: Of course! 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Negative 19. Met someone who changed you: I’ve met ppl who i never want to be like so yeah? i guess? 20. Found out who your friends are: Uh.. i always knew who they were... they are them, weird and unique as they are. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: HA let’s just stop this at I’ve never kissed someone before.

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of em. 23. Do you have any pets: YA :D 24. Do you want to change your name: Never 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: Celebrated it in Japan with my friends. 26. What time did you wake up: 4:05am 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Probably reading fanfiction 28. Name something you can’t wait for: The sweet release of death? uhh well my friends just organised another hang out so probably that cause i haven’t seen them in what feels like a month. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: 3 mins ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: My fitness level. 31. What are you listening right now: My dad teaching my baby brother about pumpkins. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: XD Yeah, he’s in my Chem and Physics and has the same will to live as I do. Man what a meme. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Dad 34. Most visited Website: Tumblr, Youtube and Netflix cause i have no life...

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME (Lmaooo) 35. Mole/s: Everywhere, like there are some old friends and some im like ... where u always there?? 36. Mark/s: I mean i always accidentally draw on myself cause im reckless. 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a singer which was crushed by my dad telling me i’m not good enough, then i wanted to be a scientist. 38. Hair Colour: Black 39. Long or short hair: Short, I love short hair, though i have no idea what suits me. like i look bad in both but in short I look a little less bad? 40. Do you have a crush on someone: I’m confused... idk if it’s a crush, or if it’s the desire for platonic friendship. (most likely the latter cause im about as romantic as a rag covered in moulded melted cheese) (KITA WTF) 41. What do you like about yourself: Uh.............. 42. Piercings: Nay 43. Bloodtype: O Positive, (at least some aspect of my life is positive) (kita no) 44. Nickname: Niki or Kita 45. Relationship status: Single 46. Zodiac: Capricor 47. Pronouns: Don’t really care for pronouns, call me whatever as long as it isnt mean, then i’ll fite u (pls no) 48. Favorite TV Show: OF ALL TIME, FOREVER WILL BE A:TLA 49. Tattoos: I would love some, but im not sure what of. 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: Nada 52. Hair dyed in different colour:  Nein, i’d love like subtle steaks or surprise rainbow fish under but yeah, i like my hair colour. 53. Sport: I was gonna put *runs away* but i know i can’t even do that. 55. Vacation: Take me away, idec where, Surprise trips are great. 56. Pair of trainers: What does this even mean?

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: A *uncrumples packet* Carman’s Original, Fruit Free, Museli bar. 58. Drinking: Nothin rn. 59. I’m about to: Probably binge youtube OR start my Chem homework. 61. Waiting for: a reason to live Something to genuinely smile or laugh at. 62. Want: mental stability?  63. Get married: At this moment in time don’t think so. 64. Career: I have no clue, I wanted to go into medicine but dad said there’s no point cause i probs wont get in and it’s really hard (Thanks dad). at the moment i want any career that allows me to directly help other people (which was why i wanted to go into medicine and help those with terminal illnesses)

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: SHORT STORY TIME! So my family isnt a very... intimate? emotional? family. We do hug each other but it’s more like pats on the back, we do not kiss each other and don’t say “I love you” very often and that’s fine, cause it means that when we do, it carries a lot more with it. Now I FEAR kisses and saying the “L” word. Like i don’t like the “L” word in an intimate sense, it scares me. Luv is fine, but “LOVE” has too much emotional meaning behind it for it to be said just willy nilly, for me personally. ANYWAY STORY TIME KINDA? I GUESS OVER. (i choose hugs.) 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes, honestly the amount of times i want to just admire anyone’s eyes is uncountable. The unique patterns and shade and lighting UH. 67. Shorter or taller: Taller.  68. Older or younger: Honestly the elderly and the youth scare me. I’m okay with anyone as long as they accept me. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Nice person. 71. Sensitive or loud: Both. If you wanna be loud by thor be as loud as you want (as long as you respect that we all have a right to quiet), if u wanna talk bout ur feelings sure i’ll listen, can’t help but i’ll listen. 72. Hook up or relationship: What is a hook up? Relationship i guess? 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant.

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: Again, No to the kisses. 75. Drank hard liquor: Again, Not legally allowed too. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Don’t wear em. 77. Turned someone down: HA who’d want me 78. Sex on the first date: Let’s just stop at “first date”  79. Broken someone’s heart: Lmao i hope not, don’t waste ur time on my dumb ass. I’m too oblivious for that. 80. Had your heart broken: Idk if it counts as a “heart break” if ur like, 13. Like chill child your still young. 81. Been arrested: Nah 82. Cried when someone died: Of Course. 83. Fallen for a friend: Tripped, yes. in love? Don’t think so.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: HELL NO :D 85. Miracles: pffft, nah 86. Love at first sight: Absolutely not. 87. Santa Claus: A creepy old white fat man that gives me presents? (sugar daddy) 88. Kiss on the first date: Again, Kisses are a No-No unless i share a very strong emotional bond with you (even then u’d be lucky)

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: probs this scrub @beeboplox 91. Eyecolor: Brown.  92. Favorite movie: The incredibles?

TAGGING TIME: The usual @whovian1077, @firthermore​, @haikyuukazoo​, and anyone who wants to do this.

100% optional! If ya would like me to stop tagging you gimme a shout and i’ll stop (also goes if you’d like to be tagged). Thanks y’all for being awesome. =PP

#tagged #personal

[briusami]

I am supposed to be writing my essay but thanks to @very-distressed-dolphin, I have no choice but to talk about myself.

So thanks!

Rules: Tag nine people you want to get to know better.

Relationship status: Single, but wouldn’t mind a change in the love-life department.

Favorite color: Yellow, but I also love Black.

Lipstick or chapstick: Definitely chapstick. I like lipbalm, though.

Last song you listened to: “Ordinary World,” Red’s cover.

Last movie you watched: Iron Man 3.

Top 3 TV shows:

-          The 1oo

-          Sense8

-          Steven Universe

Top 3 Characters:

-          Usami Akihiko from Junjou Romantica.

-          Jack Merridew from Lord of the Flies.

-          Eric Cartman from South Park.

Top 3 Ships

-          Romantica (like, of course).

-          Kyman (Kyle and Cartman) from South Park.

-          Jalph (Jack and Ralph) from Lord of the Flies

Books you are currently reading:

-          Same, textbooks and Donne’s poetry because finals are such a pain in the ass.

Top 5 musicals:

-          Phantom of the Opera (yes, I love it, idec).

-          Heathers

-          Spring Awakening

-          The Producers

-          Avenue Q.

Honestly, I tag anyone that wants to do it, just tag me when you do it!

#non-junjou #me #text #asks

[bisexualbenpaul-old]

miscevus replied to your post: y’all give me quick fic requests idec the...

whispers,,, softly,,,,, nea/pasta,,,, like that post u reblogged earlier,,, modern lunch date w/ cross (and optional mana) overseeing fr the bg,,,,,,,, ;o

HERE GOES SOMETHIN

Wallet, keys, phone, and a proper outfit— triple check! Though, when Nea stands before the full-body mirror, admiring and thoroughly inspecting himself, he wonders if the outfit is… too much. What if Allen thinks him ridiculous for dressing up in such a way? After a moment of thinking on that, Nea notes that his date is far worse when it comes to this sort of thing. He recalls with a brief smile the time Allen had to go to a super market— simple little city super market— and he wore fancy black slacks with a full button-up white shirt. When Nea innocently (but not really) inquired how much hair gel Allen used for that trip, the brunette responded with one of the dirtiest looks, probably in the history of dirty looks.

 It just served to make Nea laugh, though, and at the memory of that, he even snickers to himself in the present. He’s fine, and Allen may even appreciate the formal-ish look.

 Before stepping away from the view of the mirror, Nea gives himself a quick finger guns gesture, and then he’s off. Out the door, into his car, and to Allen’s apartment he goes, excited for today but apprehensive as well. The first date with his best friend of… well, he can’t exactly remember how long they’ve been friends, but it’s been a while. He almost couldn’t believe that Allen had actually been interested in him, but here he is, driving to meet his date. It’s all so weird and amazing.

 “Who’s the shit? I’m the shit,” he says to himself once or twice as he parks his car and then turns it off. Self-assurance is a mighty thing, Nea knows, so a little encouragement every now and again won’t hurt.

 As he climbs out of the vehicle, he peers up the outside stairwell with apartments on every floor, searching for Allen at the very top. He’s not there yet, so Nea patiently waits, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets and standing by his car as he does so. He successfully manages to completely zone out in that lapse of time that Allen isn’t there, and though he snaps out of it when he hears his date greet him from the top floor, he doesn’t remember anything he had been thinking about.

 “Apologies for making you wait,” Allen says as he hurriedly approaches Nea’s car shaking his head. “Cross came over briefly, the annoying fool wasting nearly all of my time. You pulled in just as he left me be.”

 Nea scoffs, looking up to the uppermost platform a last time, finding the redheaded man in question, leaned over the rail with the stupidest look he makes. Nea knows that look, and he knows what it means, so to combat the suggestive comments he will definitely get later, he simply ignores Cross and gets into the car with Allen.

 “A fool!” Allen repeats in exasperation, immediately beginning to rummage through the compartments where Nea often keeps his music CDs. “He said Mana informed him of our date today. He visited me just to hound me about it! ‘Where are you two going?’ ‘Are you one of those no-sex-until-the-third-date kind of guys?’”

 A grin finds its way to Nea’s face as they exit the parking lot. “That’s how he knows to be a friend, Allen, and I know it can be nuts sometimes, but he’s just messing with you nine times out of ten.”

 “Well, it’s that last one that I would like to experience more of,” Allen snorts and inserts a CD marked ‘angry mood’. Nea marked them specifically for how Allen felt for the duration of their car rides, so whatever he was feeling, the CD would have the songs he liked most for those moods.

 Thus, The Neighborhood blasted within the confines of Nea’s car all the way to the restaurant.

 It didn’t take too awful long for the pair to be seated, their drinks brought, and their orders taken. The entire time, Allen sat very proper, straight, shoulders back, never setting his elbows on the table. To Nea, it’s nothing short of charming— he has seen Allen relax before, and it’s not that he feels he needs to look a certain way to be perceived a certain way. He just likes it, and Nea loves it. He wonders if he’s biased, however, considering Allen could probably do anything and it would be charming.

 “Manatees aren’t endangered anymore, did you know that?” Allen suddenly pipes up, peering over his big round-rimmed glasses at his date. “We have had quite a past few years, but manatees getting their wind back is wonderful news.”

 Nea nods, grinning. “The Siberian tiger, too,” he adds on.

 Allen beams. “Honestly? I hadn’t heard! That’s exciting, maybe we really will improve on that front. Those animals could be wiped from existence, and that would be that— terrifying, isn’t it?”

 “Yeah, but I think people will stop being stupid and get their shit together before too much longer,” he responds, now moving his attention to the silverware wrapped neatly in napkins before him. He nudges them a bit, getting them lined up with the foamy mat where his plate will go, and it takes a moment, but he manages to get it right.

 They continue to talk, over multiple things. Current events, music, what prank to play on Cross next— it’s easy. They were already friends, they’re just… a different kind of friends now. They can still talk like friends, act like friends, and that’s one of the coolest things about this scenario.

 Their food arrives not too long after they had been seated, served with quick “if you need anything, let us know”s and “please enjoy your meal”s. Allen takes no time in digging in, but Nea takes a tad more time to start. He unfolds his napkin, retrieves the cutlery he thinks he’ll need, places them on the edge of his plate, and refolds the napkin. He had, unfortunately, drank his beverage a bit too fast, so now he has to worry about not finishing the full meal. Hopefully, that won’t be the case, and as he stares at said meal, trying to decide what to eat first, he spaces out again.

 It’s only a moment, however, before his phone vibrating calls his attention.

 Quickly, Nea grabs the device, opens it, and sees he has a text message. From Cross? Weird, but not incredibly unexpected.

 “Why aren’t you eating?” is all the text reads.

 Nea stops for a good minute, blinking at the words. Is the redhead trying to act like he knows what’s happening, so he can pretend he’s psychic or some shit?

 “What the hell, man?” is what Nea texts back.

 “Look behind you”

 He squints at the text for a few seconds and then tries to subtly do as it said, but he doesn’t find Cross anywhere among the few people seated in the rows behind them. Just as Nea begins to turn around in his seat again, one of the customers about three booths back raises their hand. It’s a quick and nearly unnoticeable gesture, but upon closer inspection, Nea does indeed find that red stubble on the bottom of that sharp chin, and though a dark hood is pulled up on his head, Cross’ crazy bright red hair spills ever so slightly out and onto his chest.

 Beside him, another someone sits, less disguised, only wearing a pair of shades and a fake moustache on his upper lip. Mana is with him.

 Once it registers that his best friend and his brother snuck onto this date with him, Nea quickly turns around in his seat again, trying to stifle his laughter as he returns to his phone. All he sends back to Cross is a “wtf” and then puts it down for the last time until after his food is done.

 “Having fun, there?” Allen asks, grabbing his drink. “Who texted you that made you laugh?”

 Nea can’t help the few giggles that spill out, so he says honestly, “It’s fuckin’ Cross.”

 Allen rolls his eyes. “I am not surprised. No doubt, he plans on knowing every detail of our date, but the poor thing’s a bit impatient, isn’t he? Good lord.”

 As he eats, Nea tries his hardest to stop laughing, but he continues to lose it every few minutes. “Yeah. Impatient is definitely a word that can be used here.”

 Later, once climbing back into the car, Nea would pick up his phone and find that Cross had replied another time after his last message. “I wanted to make sure you kids had fun”, it read, and Nea started laughing all over again.

#miscevus #misc tag #dgm #d gray man #my writing #this iS SO FUCKIN CHEESY AND DUMB I HAD A GR8 TIME #THANK U MISC

[sheerhope]

extended diary thing / holy lucky streak batman

if you dont wanna hear about my bitchass personal life and you wanna continue thinking i have a good girl persona and dont have wild sex scroll past this for more joji and aesthetics ty

ladies and gents these past couple of weeks have been goddamn magical. i can’t describe it any other way. we need to count the blessings god have given us up untill this point in life bc frankly idk if i can keep track anymore

seeing people i thought i would never see: a domino effect of blessings:

alright so britbong crush who i mentioned in previous posts (if youre reading this: hi lmao) says hes gonna be a speaker at this tech thing. super dope and i’m supportive but also like “dude we’re gonna be in the same country but opposite sides smh” SO i tell my homegirl mikayla about this and shes like “no youre going you apply for scholarships and get there” and i’m like “fat chance also plane ticket and hotels” and shes like “idk do it anyways”. so i do that, apply for this scholarship, get in , room with my other homegirl fiona, and get my flight crowdfunded. how the hell this all fell into place perfectly i will never know but i thank god and also those gofundme-ers. yall make dreams come true.

thats only part one of this several-part story, comrades.

it was everything i imagined and more. i hung out with him. i talked with him, held hands with him, sang and rapped with him, hacked with him, played ping pong with him, ran all around the city and showed him the cutesy touristy things. also wild wild sex. never ever will forget that lmao. but yeah. thats just the TLDR. 

day one was awk bc we were just getting to know our IRL selves but i think the peak was probably ping pong. just being a goofball with him and networking. he also held my hand in the lyft back to french montanas unforgettable and i wont forget that. okay lol

day two i actually got some damn sense and ditched the heels and wore flats. also lyfted instead of a 30 minute walk to the piers. rest of the day was hacking on this project we were working of there (cant name it bc it would prolly give away the conf and his name and im not gonna do that bc opsec af). i went to go drop off stuff at his place after. i’ll keep it SFW and simple by saying we ended up being late to a party last nigh bc we were too busy in his room lmao. that freaked me the fuck out tho bc he was on some “i just wanna be friends and see how this goes” bs and i was like “ehhhh do i really wanna hookup or just be straight up and say i don’t want anything but us for real”. ranted to some female friends about this at a party but by the time i was back at his place he was cool with making it legitimate. and i was over the moon.

day three my dude. (he got his first in&out!!!) we went to apple and cuddled on caltrain and swapped music. (i finally got my odwalla lmao) and then me and my fam went out to stanford to my long lost sister from the other coast. we left and took the train back and i shit you not there were fireworks out the window. bitch if this isnt a chickflick i don’t know what it is. then and i took my stuff from fi’s place to his place for uh... obvious reasons lmao. <insert lewd activities> i swear we tried to watch tv tho.

day four we coordinated outfits omg. idec if i sound cocky for a moment but i had the cutest ass outfit it was like a flowery dress and denim blouse okay ANYWAYS he looked amazing and like the only guy in the world to me and yeah lol <insert montage of running around doing touristy shit and looking badass. lombard, golden gate, ghiradelli, etc.>. i also tried boba for the first time which was cool. i got my sushirito and he got his frosted lemonade. we made it FB official then ran off to caltrain to show him google. imagine a cute ass couple riding around on google bikes and taking pics everywhere. that was us lol. we also had to call 911 on these people fighting but we’re gonna ignore that lmao. best night once we got back though. we had m&ms and white wine and watched video game reviews on youtube and cuddled. it was the most romantic thing ever. can’t even describe it, but i’ll never forget that moment. it was a perfect blend of #adulting but also just being childish and ourselves around eachother

day five worst day but it still was a damn good day bc i got to spend it with him. in&out for breakfast, saw sea lions, then went our separate ways for flights. we went to bart together before splitting off  and i hugged him tight before he left and he comforted me saying he’d see me again,  but when he got on his train and it left i legit started crying because i thought “damn this is it, i’m not going to see him again forever” which i know now is bs but like, its still a long time yknow?

overall 11/10 trip, makes me smile and tear up thinking about it. legit it was like a fairytale or movie or chickflick, every goofy moment too. (inb4 i go total white chick mode)

Other shit thats dope but not quite as dope as that:

new kitten named boots. hes p dope. 

new job at summer camp in a week or so. also dope. scared bc uncertainty but who knows, could be better than expected. 

startup got our app on the app store. i’d link but opsec. 

maybe will snag a gig for the fall but idk yet.

but yeah life has been good to me. too good. new tech, new bf, new cat, new job, new success. I thank God honestly, this luck streak is too abnormal to be anything but that.

#personal #<3 #life is good