#idk i know they experience some ableism in that period but like. people who know them know it’s temporary and they get treated better than | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

campgender · 9 months

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Hi, my friend has a chronic illness that flares up sometimes and we've been wanting to hang out but it has gotten cancelled a couple times lately bc of her not feeling well enough on the day. I want to ask her how she feels cuz I care abt her a lot and want an update but 1, I don't want her to feel pressured or like I'm asking just to ask can we hang out now, and not bc I care abt how she's feeling (does that make sense? I may be overthinking this) and 2, I genuinely wanna know how she's doing but idk what to say if she responds with her not being better, sometimes u don't feel better and that's ok but I always want to offer comfort somehow or just convey my friendship? but I feel the same everytime and don't want to sound repetitive ?

Any thoughts?

this is really kind of you & it means so much to me that you want to support your friend & are putting so much thought into it! my response is inherently based in my own experience to an extent & everybody’s different, but a lot if not all of this is stuff i’ve heard regularly from other chronically ill people. of course, don’t say anything you don’t mean – if some of this isn’t the case for you, just adapt accordingly :)

i understand worrying about being repetitive but i think that’s totally okay to do! for one thing, it can be difficult to remember things period when you’re ill, especially during a flare, & for another, internalized + societal ableism is a hell of a force. it never hurts to have a reminder that not everyone is trying to force ableist expectations onto you + your friendship & that someone cares about you!

i think you can definitely tell your friend pretty much what you told me! like, “hey, it’s okay if you aren’t feeling up for responding but i just wanted to check on you! not trying to pressure you to hang out or anything, i just care about you & how you’re doing”

honestly the most important + supportive thing people have ever told me is that it’s okay if the answer is “bad.” i’m literally like surprised pikachu meme every time somebody offers to let me vent about having a rough time & then it helps me just to talk about it. it’s really socially unacceptable to talk about chronic pain & a lot of people get frustrated when you’re complaining about the same thing & there’s not really anything they can do, so just the opportunity to be like “yeah shit fucking sucks right now” means a lot.

obv the appropriateness of this depends on the person & their relationship to disability but most of the time i’m very like, radical acceptance / embracing / etc about the fact that i’m probably just gonna get sicker, so sometimes when i’m having a rough time emotionally & am like “what if i’m this bad for the rest of my life” my gf (who doesn’t have chronic pain / chronic illness) will say something like “then i can’t wait to be there with you ❤️” & it’s more meaningful to me than i can begin to put into words.

again everybody’s different but for me one of the biggest things is when disability stuff just… isn’t a big deal to the other person. which, it’s totally okay for you to need support from others when someone you care about is going through a hard time & when things change! but abled people are constantly horrified about like, every aspect of my life, so being able to talk casually about symptoms & somebody mirror the mood / tone i set – laugh if i’m joking, be upset about the ableism i experience & not my body itself if i’m complaining about people being weird about it, taking things as they come – is so affirming.

other things that have been helpful + meaningful for me are friends sending me notes, stickers, & art in the mail – having something tangible can make me feel more “real” & part of the world, something i struggle with due to being homebound – & peer support around medical neglect, which often just looks like talking to someone after a doctor’s appointment & them reaffirming my reality / experiences & saying i didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

oh one other change in language i’ve made over time & probably picked up from a few other ill people in my life is a sort of realistic encouragement – there’s not necessarily anything wrong with “i hope you feel better soon!” because like, i get that the message is well-intentioned, but it can be awkward & difficult to receive when you don’t know if that’s gonna happen. instead, i try to tell people something like “i hope you get a bit of relief soon” or “i hope things are a little easier tomorrow.” a 7/10 pain day may be horrifying for most people, but when you’ve had a streak of 9s, it can be a much-needed taking the edge off, & i try to make space for that breadth of experience in my language.

i’ve answered a few similar questions before so i’ll add my “asks” & “faq” tags on my chronic illness blog in the reblogs if you want to browse! much love to you & your friend and feel free to lmk if you have any other questions 💓💓

#asks #chronic illness

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pondscummy · 1 month

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so me and roommate L talked on Sunday and I finally like aired some of my grievances and was like hey you really hurt me w how you treated me during my recovery and I realized I actually really don't feel like I can safely communicate with you and I haven't felt like I could for a very long time. and they did apologize and we decided to just be polite roommates and not friends at all and that's a big relief honestly bc now I'm not carrying around this tension the way I was before bc I know there's not expectation from either side but like. it's also freed me up mentally where I'm not thinking about all the immediate stuff anymore and instead I'm like remembering various random things that pissed me off but weren't big enough to focus on before lmao

the one I'm stuck on rn is how insistent they are that I'm on the spectrum. idk they do a lot of explaining myself to me that makes me like. bro shut Up you don't know what my lived experience is like lol you have no concept of anything. which. for context I have a dx and I thought I was on the spectrum for years and years but weirdly enough going to therapy and working through my ptsd made a lot of those symptoms just.... start vanishing. and one of my friends had been undiagnosed for the same reason so it got me thinking about it and talking to my therapist at the time and like. ptsd can present rly similarly. like I was neglected and abused as a child and I literally did not learn social skills, and I was very fearful of other people. as I like worked through the stuff that had instilled that in me and found my stride w stepping out of my comfort zone and getting comfortable being uncomfortable I really don't find it particularly hard to talk to people. I retook the RAADS and I got that I have tendencies but am not anywhere near diagnostic level. I'm literally moving states bc I find the idea of being in a new place and starting from scratch socially rly exciting and I want to like go out to events on my own and meet people both through apps and more organically and I want to get to be in the office with my coworkers like. obv there's more to a dx than just social anxiety but the things that my dx was primarily based in (social anxiety, need for stability/routine, aversion to connection, even sensory issues) are so easily linked back to trauma for me and like. being on the spectrum doesn't go away w therapy?? also I've found it harder and harder to befriend other people on the spectrum; I find I have less in common as time goes on and that my communication style is more focused on like small talk and less directness etc. and I don't tend to get special interests at all anymore like I find it a little difficult to discuss interests w people for long periods of time.

anyway idk my experiences just make me think that it was an incorrect dx but a rly understandable one. I'll probably always have tendencies and get along pretty well w others who do or who are on the spectrum but like I just don't think that I am. and whenever I tried to talk about this with them they'd shut it down and be like um I'm pretty sure you are lmao. and when we talked Sunday I made a comment about making some assumptions about their facial expressions at one point and they were like well we're both on the spectrum so. and I was like my guy I can read facial expressions just fine. if you're saying I can't read yours accurately bc You're on the spectrum then fine. sure. I actually think it's bc you're always so fucking stoned that every muscle in your face is dangling from the frame, personally, but like. i don't have this probably of misreading anyone else dude. like ffs stop armchair diagnosing me and acting like bc you said it then it's law. UGHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHH. it would be one thing if I thought they were saying this stuff bc they think I'm distancing myself out of internalized ableism or something. but it really seems more like they bring it up only to tell me how bad I am at things. which like I'm sorry lmao but. if I'm not giving this vibe to anyone else and I'm not displaying symptoms predominantly in my day to day life and if they're rly seeming to be correlated to my ptsd, maybe you're literally just triggering for me to be around. asshat

#pond.txt #anyway anywho. this one has been bugging me forever #i just don't meet the criteria anymore i don't want to pretend to have something if i clearly don't. that feels weird and fucked up #and EVEN IF IM WRONG 1. not their place to decide and 2. it's literally not a disability if it's not causing me struggles #i befriend people easily. i don't feel anxious doing daily things. I've been doing great in my career which is Literally an influencr #*influence based role where my job is to help bridge gaps between departments and find compromises and deliver presentations and sometimes #argue w people in a way that doesn't cause conflict like my role is So social. it's all working w people smoothly and effectively and i've #gotten 2 raises and a promotion since october and I'm being considered for another promotion and my boss wants me to try for a raise again #next year like. i'm well-known and well-liked and that's not to say that's not possible for people on the spectrum bc everyone is different #but when i personally got diagnosed it was on the basis that this sort of stuff was unfathomable lmao. i couldn't make phone calls or hold a #conversation or project any sort of confidence at all like. the things i received my dx for no longer exist #idk he makes me feel like I'm genuinely out of my mind for thinking i could POSSIBLY have been mis-dxed

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strawberrybabydog · 2 years

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(CW: Unreality, discussions of potential delusions, discussions of paranoia, etc.) Um, hi, so I'm really sorry to bother you, I just... I need to really know something. (I'm autistic, so I just wanna maybe give as much info as possible to know if what I'm talking about is right or not. I don't have access to a therapist or psychiatrist at the moment, and you seemed like someone who actually KNOWS about delusions) So, I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and I just need to know if delusions are something that are capable of being temporary or periodical? Like, I know this might not sound like logical? But when I experience really bad BPD episodes and my fears of abandonment are really intense. I guess what happens is that I dissociate hardcore from my surroundings, it's really hard because my vision gets blurry and I'm not really focused on my surroundings as much. I experience really bad depersonalization and derealization, and these things are usually induced by stress or BPD episodes. During those times I genuinely believe I've been kidnapped (particularly by people I am close to) or I'm apparently this grim reaper from another universe named "Alex". And these dissociative + (potential/not sure) delusions episodes that come with my BPD episodes. But the thing is, I also don't really know if I genuinely do or don't believe these things during those times. I have really bad anxiety and stuff. I do know one thing is that I think I might genuinely believe I AM a video game protagonist and am NOT real at all. But these things also are a coping mechanism, so it's really hard to detach from it. I genuinely cannot find many good resources on delusions that spread proper information, because there's a lot of sanism and ableism everywhere... I don't even entirely know if I completely experience delusions of grandeur (in relation to talents and self-esteem) because of my NPD that makes me have a really messed up relationship with my self-esteem. Like, I both hate myself and think I am the greatest thing ever, which is just smth related to NPD. But, I don't know if it's accurate to say I experience delusions of grandeur/superiority in these cases. I also do genuinely believe the universe is out to get me and it wants me to suffer, and that it is constantly telling me that the people I love will abandon me?? But Idk if that's just regular negative thoughts in relation to BPD or just... smth?? The only thing I do know that I seem to genuinely believe in and have utmost confidence in, is literally believing that something is always watching me or out to get me. I genuinely do thing things are looking at me or whatever, and I've had this sort of paranoia for... who knows how long?? Idk if this counts as paranoid delusions? Idk, I'm really sorry. All I'm trying to ask is if these experiences of mine count as delusions or if it's just smth else entirely? It's just these instances of paranoia can be something I experience all day and in almost any circumstance, but I also can sometimes have elongated periods of time (weeks or months) without this paranoia? I mean, I was with a therapist which allowed me to not deal with this paranoia for a while?? But like... can you pls help a man out with some educational information? It's really hard to find info on both personality disorders and delusions/dissocation... (Btw, if you really don't feel comfy wtih this. i'm so sorry, i will leave you alone. I hope ypu have a good day/night. You're not obligated to respond to this at all. Just... yeah.)

delusions can be periodic, most commonly if you dont have psychosis from a psychotic disorder... if you have delusions from personality disorders, basically, this is normal. psychotic symptoms are usually flared by stress regardless of cause

i cant tell you if youre delusional or something else. i dont know you/im not you/im not your psychiatrist. i suggest researching the type of delusions you suspect you have to the best of your ability, or researching how your personality disorders can interact with psychotic symptoms

i dont know what information you're looking for if you dont specify the question youre asking

#delusions details #persecutory delusions details #long post #unreality #asks #not dog

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thechangeling · 3 years

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Ok so a conversation @littlx-songbxrd and I were having made me remember something I was ranting about to a friend of mine once.

Brace yourselves this is going to be long. I'm sorry.

The sexism, homophobia and racism of the shadoworld straight up doesn't make sense and here's why. So if we start chronologically with the infernal devices. There is sexism towards Charlotte right? People don't want her running the institute and they don't want her becoming the consul because she is a woman. But the Clave has no problem letting women train and fight. This doesn't really make sense in my opinion.

Now you could argue that it's because they believe woman can be string capable fighters just not rational thinkers. Which is weird because in my experience you don't meet a lot of people who are "partially sexist" in that way. Like if a man believes a woman can't do high profile, high paying jobs then they usually also don't want them in the military. Anyways moving on, there aren't any mentions of homophobia in TID, mostly because they're arent any queer characters except Magnus and Woolsey.

But something interesting to point out is that none of the characters who know about Magnus and Woolsey ever comment on it really. And following this point, none of the mains display any signs of misogyny either really. (Except for what Will says to Tessa at the end of CA but that was because of the "curse.") You could argue that this is because they're the protagonists so they are supposed to be better then that. But accidental microaggressions are pretty common especially during that time period. More on that later.

Moving onto racism, this is the interesting part. Jem says to Tessa that shadowhunters believe that you are a shadowhunter first and your nationality or eace second. Actually Jem doesnt mention race but he says this while talking about being half Chinese so it's kinda relevant. Shadowhunters rarely tall about race throughout the books in general except for a few instances. When Jessamine criticizes Jem to Tessa, she calls him a foreigner and says some other racist shit that I can't really remember. Something about the yin fin and calling him lazy. That directly contradicts Jem's statement about them all being shadowhunters first. Also Will and Jem actually constantly talk about being Welsh and Chinese in the books so that statement is kinda bogus in general.

And if CC didn't want her mains being sexist or homophobic to show them as good people then why was it ok for both Jesse and Gabriel to say questionable shit about Jem? Anyways moving on to TLH. Sexism is still running rampid with their cultural customs and people being shitty about Charlotte being consul. Bots have to ask the girls to dance, girls cannot have sex before marriage or else they will be ruined or whatever you know the drill. But again, they let the girls fight. Cordelia is allowed to carry around a giant ass sword but she can't get some????

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE CASSANDRA!!!!!

Sorry I'm losing it. Anyways. Regarding racism. Alastair and Cordelia have experienced micro aggressions from the mains (Matthew and Anna) but it's never addressed. I'm pretty sure if memory serves, the inquisitor makes a nasty comment under his breath about persians when the Carstairs family sans Elias arrive. And then we have the whitewashing of Ariadne/Kamala by her parents.

But none of this stuff ever gets brought up really. Exceot for Kamala talking about her past and who she was before and sharing her original name, but she still doesn't talk about how it effects her potential coming out. Alastair doesnt mention race when he talks about the bullying he went through at the academy and none of the white characters ever stop to think about how Kamala and Alastsir's races play a part in their crappy situations.

There's probably more I could discuss with this but I'm moving on to homophobia. It's a thing in terms of the heteronormativity and people's judgement of Anna but it's not illegal like in mundane societies at this time. But all of the mains are totally cool with it which brings me to, I'm sorry but fucking bullshit! There is no way every single adult would be totally fine with it in this time period. Like I'm not saying outright homophobia but maybe some questionable comments you know? (CC is perpetuating this idea that good people never commit microaggressions which is untrue and harmful.)

I don't think there's any mention of whether or not gay marriage is allowed in the shadowhunter world at this point. Because the issues surrounding Magnus and Alec getting married were about Magnus being a warlock right? Because Helen and Aline got married before them in TFTSA because she was only half fae. So that brings me to when was gay marriage legalized in the shadow world?????

Is there any mention of this because I don't think there is? Anyways moving onto TMI. This is where everything goes to absolute shit in terms of world building with the standards for these things. Misogyny isn't really a problem in tmi anymore from what I remember. Nobody has issues with Jia as consul (from what I remember,) and that's that. But homophobia is still rambid throughout shadowhunter society so much so that Alec is terrified to come out because he believes that he can't be gay and be a shadowhunter in peoples eyes. Also there is pressure to "carry on the family name" which doesn't make sense because if the sexism has died out then women can have babies with whoever and not even be married and carry on their family line. And not everyone needs to have children, ergo there is less pressure on the sons to carry on the family name or whatever. This also doesn't make sense because homophobia literally cannot exist without sexism!!!!

This is because of colonial gender roles being forced on society. And men being with men and women being with woman totally smashes the whole gender roles, "woman do this and men do that" idea. There's more that I could say on that but this is already so freaking long so please just look it up. And speaking of gender roles it's literally mentioned that Maryse didn't teach Izzy to cook because she didn't want her to be forced into a housewife role like she was (although there's no evidence to suggest she was?) But then Maryse is lowkey homophobic?

It doesn't make sense Cassandra!!!!!

CC doesn't get that you literally don't have homophobia or transphobia without sexism. Indigenous societies pre-colonization didn't care about any of that stuff. Literally two spirit people were revered and respected and no one gave a fuck about gender until my ancestors literally came along and ruined everything. (I'm so sorry.)

But anyways there's no mentions of racism amongst the shadowhunters in tmi. Just Maia talking about her experiences with mundane society as a black girl. When Clary confronts Valentine and basically calls him a n*zi, he laughs at her and basically says that shadowhunters don't see race the way mundanes do which yikes @ CC. Granted this was 2007. This kind of sounds like what Jem said in TID. Only it clearly wasnt true.

Anyways I'm just super confused at this point. In TDA there was basically nothing in terms of all the isms and phobias. (Oh we arent even discussing ableism because my fucking head will explode!) But we do discuss transphobia a bit with Diana. But again it doesn't make fucking sense because transphobia exists because of sexism and clear gender roles (and homophobia.)

Society is still shown to be pretty heteronormative though which I guess makes sense but the Blackthorns have multiple queers in their family! You would think that they would be less so. When Livvy mentions all the reasons that Annabel could have a forbidden love she doesnt even think to mention that it could be a lesbian relationship. When Mark finds out that Jaime was in Dru's room he freaks out but I guarentee you, he wouldn't have if Jaime was a girl. I mean you could argue that it's an age thing and not a gender thing but idk. That scene always bothered the fuck out of me. Because Mark is literally half fae like why is he caught up on bullshit "boys and girls can't just be friends" hetero bullshit.

In QOAAD we see Dane Larksoear being sexist so randomly for no reason. Like it's so strange because CC literally created a caricature of a sexist villian with him. And it makes no sense because no one else seems to feel the way he does. Like Zara is basically the leader of the cohort right? And nobody gives a fuck. It makes no damn sense Cassandra!

And finally, why is the faerie world sexist with gender roles WHEN EVERYONE IS LITERALLY BISEXUAL AND THEY'RE FAERIES CASSANDRA!!!???? THEY'RE LITERALLY FAERIES WHY IS THERE A CONCEPT OF GENDER AT ALL CASSANDRA????!!!!

Ok lol now I'm done. Sorry this is so long. But yeah I'm so confused.

Tldr: CC's world building in regards to sexism, homophobia, racism and transphobia is very inconsistent and contradictory and it makes no damn sense.

#tsc #tda #the dark artifices #tlh #twp #the wicked powers #the last hours #tmi #tid #tw mentions of transphobia #tw mentions of racism #tw mentions of homophobia #tw mentions of sexism #anti cc #long post

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adultingautistic · 4 years

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To the anon asking about auditory processing disorder and accents: some people have the idea that having difficulty understanding accents is racist. Which is obviously absurd since (like you said) you're not choosing not to understand, but it's still a thing. As someone who struggles with faces, I can tell you mixing up people of the same race is also perceived that way. I guess the assumption is that you're pretending not to recognize/understand people? Idk but I hate it.

I hate this too, though I know where it comes from.

It has to do with the brain and it’s pattern-recognition abilities.

If a person grows up and lives in a place where everyone around them is the same race, then their brain learns to pick out more nuanced patterns in those faces. Now let’s say 10 people of another race, that they have very little experience seeing, move into the town. The brain sees the larger differences in the faces, the ones that society deems “racial” differences, such as eye shape, nose shape, skin tone, etc. Because the person is not used to recognizing patterns in these type of faces, their brain gets stuck on these more obvious differences, and cannot find the smaller nuances that would allow them to distinguish individuals from each other.

This leads to the person saying that the people of the unfamiliar race “all look the same.”

Of course these people do not all look the same, and to them, who have grown up seeing their kind of face, this is an absurd statement, and feels racist.

Using the phrase “X race of people all look the same” has become a very racist thing to say in America for this reason. It is take to mean that the speaker isn’t bothering to notice the nuanced features of people of the other race, when in reality it comes from racial isolation. The thing is, racial isolation does tend to lead towards racist mentalities, as a person who has no experience with another race will tend to think of them as “outsiders” and otherfy them.

So inherently, there is nothing racist about not being able to distinguish the more nuanced patterns of other races’ faces. It’s just how the brain works, and how it does pattern matching. A person will be able to distinguish more nuances in types of faces that they see all the time, and will have more difficulty with types of faces they see less often, simply because more exposure to the brain increases familiarity.

The same is true for accents. A person who is used to hearing one type of accent will have no trouble understanding people who use that accent, but a new accent takes time for the brain to learn and understand.

The problem for autistic people though, is that our brains take longer to process and recognize new patterns than allistic brains. So whereas an allistic person might be able to understand a new accent within a few minutes, it might take us many days of talking to the new person to understand their accent.

It’s unfortunately a very ableist sentiment, because allistics are able to differentiate people from another race but are assumed to be choosing not to do it, whereas people with face-blindness are not able to distinguish between new types of faces for a much longer period or perhaps ever.

As a person who struggles with face blindness and auditory processing disorder, I can completely relate to this, and I have gotten the double-whammy of being called racist because I can’t recognize a face OR understand a voice.

Depending upon who I’m with and who the racist-accuser is, I might chose to just ignore them, or I might try to explain about face blindness.

Not only can I not remember a person’s face, but I also struggle to tell what race they are from their appearance, and this is also considered racist, as saying “I don’t see race” is a white way of saying “I don’t care about your race or your experiences because of it”, which is still an allistic problem- because of course the allistic can see what race they are, they’re just choosing to ignore it.

So for people like me, who really can’t tell what race a person is sometimes, this is another struggle against ableism.

No, I really can’t see your face, it’s about seeing itself, not about social choices, and I really can’t understand your voice, it’s about hearing itself, not about social choices, and I really can’t see what race you are, because race is a social construct and I struggle with social!

I look at it this way. If a total stranger accuses me of being racist, I ignore them, because they don’t know me and don’t have enough facts about me to make that judgement. When my close black friend tells me I said something racist, I listen to her, because she DOES know me, and it’s part of our friendship that I listen to her feelings and understand why she said that.

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #face blindness #auditory processing disorder #racism #ableism #ask

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