#idk i think it comes from combination of self doubt + being Online + wanting to not be transmisogynistic but like.. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ankhisms · 1 month

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various ramblings trying to type thoughts ive been having

sometimes i get the feeling that people think less of me or negatively about me due to my different brain issues like not processing and understanding things etc etc and i dont know if thats my anxiety/extremely low self esteem self worth/paranoia combined with a history of people mistreating me or if thats actually happening yknow i really dont want to assume that people dislike me ive been trying to break that pattern of thinking within myself which again comes from a life time of abuse and of people very openly disliking me so my brain goes well its always been the default that people dislike us and are angry with us. its like i know i have brain processing issues but i wish that wouldnt make people like me less or think less of me. instead of telling me that im not actually stupid id like for someone to tell me that even if i am stupid they still care about me and will have compassion for me and my mistakes. ive been thinking about something a mutual said i genuinely cant remember who said it memory issues flaring up so hi if it was you but it was like. online theres this phenomena where even peoples tiny little slip ups and in the bigger picture not that big of a deal mistakes can be documented and held against them for an eternity and that for a long time theres been a certain cultivation of behavior of like. idk what the word is i dont think hyper vigilance is the right term but the kind of mentality where if you make even one mistake you have that held over your head for years. and im realizing that i really grew up with that kind of mentality surrounding me online (and similar mentalities irl) and i think that really fed into and formed a lot of different issues i have. there was a post i rbed maybe earlier this week about not thinking that youre one slip up from your friends abandoning you and i really want to get myself to believe that but the problem is that thats genuinely happened before or thats been threatened to happen before with me and so again my brain goes well it could happen again everyone you know and love could suddenly cut you off out of nowhere with no warning or everyone you know and love is secretly talking about how awful you are. and i get scared that im somehow doing things wrong without knowing that im doing things wrong or hurting people without realizing im hurting them and lately i keep just being hit with the feeling that everything i do is wrong and that im making people angry or upset with me even when im literally not doing anything and it sucks and i wish i knew an easy way to get out of it. ive mentioned this before but when it comes to my issues like this one thing is like. i dont want people to think that im so fragile and scared that ill shatter if they come to me and talk to me saying hey rey this thing you did upset me/hurt me etc i dont want people to think that ill fall apart if im told about a mistake ive made or that ive done something wrong i want people to be able to come to me and talk with me and i always want to be able to grow and admit when im wrong and i dont want to hurt people. and then ive been thinking about how even though i have lovely friends who i cherish and appreciate and love so much i still feel so lonely and seperated from everyone who i know and love and i feel like im on the other side of a glass wall and that no one can reach me and i want to get closer to people but it always feels like i cant. but i dont want to doubt my friends love for me i dont want to doubt that i have a place in peoples lives. but its really hard. anyway its almost midnight i should sleep thanks if you read this

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yukipri · 4 years

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hello, I absolutely love your art and I really like ASL ship. I'm also an artist, but I'm afraid to post my art of it becomes i know some people can be rude about ships they don't like. How do you deal with the hate and do you have any advice for someone that wants that kind of confidence to post with out judgement?

Thanks so much for liking my work!

I wish I had a comforting answer for you, but the truth is this: There’s no way to post anything publicly online without judgement. People are always judging, and it’d be alright if they did so silently without being in your face about it, but oftentimes those who take greatest offense are the most vocal (the combination between this and the fact that those who like your work are oftentimes too shy to say anything can have really devastating consequences for self-confidence).

While there have always been people vocal about ships/characters/interpretations/whatever that they don’t like, I’d say that it’s arguably much worse now than it was when I started posting my work on Tumblr, due to both rampant purity culture, and again, fewer people who reblog and give positive comments to validate you and your work.

I wish I could tell you that i’m confident about the work that I post (both in content and artistic execution), but in reality, I’m not. I doubt myself all the time! My self-confidence is always 6 ft under!! I ask myself whether it’s worth posting before every post!! And sometimes, the answer my brain provides is No, it’s not worth posting.

But y’know what? I post anyway ^ ^;;;;;

I guess this is getting off on a bit of a tangent, because you’re asking about ship hate. But for me personally, my fight with my inner voice being mean about myself and my work is so much more vicious than any anti, that idk, the anti seems really mild in comparison? ^ ^;;;; Like oh, you don’t like my ship. Well that’s cute. I have a billion other far more valid criticisms of my work, so come back with a better case and get in line!

(and in continuing to post, and continuing to interact with those who don’t like my work...I guess I’ve gotten sorta used to it? That, and I’m grateful to have followers who ARE kind to me, building that sort of community is important!)

Oh don’t get me wrong, I still get in a sour mood whenever someone sends an unwanted opinion, and it does happen from time to time! But the thing is, there are a lot of tools to block out those opinions and to keep them from reaching you again, and it’s very easy for me to methodically use those, and they work. And the fact that these tools are available helps make hateful opinions seem much more like a tiny angry squirrel squeaking outside my window.

In case you’re wanting to know these steps:

1) If the unwanted comment is in a reply to one of your posts, you can delete the reply so you can’t see it anymore!

2) You can block the user. This prevents them from being able to interact with your posts and send any more unwanted opinions. (I think it’s also based on their IP address, so they can’t harass you on an alternate account either). If you do this to an anon user, they’ll be blocked and you’ll never even know who they were, so can’t even unblock them! Whee!

3) If they’re actually threatening you, you can report them. Rn, tumblr staff’s been pretty good at responding, perhaps due to changed ownership. If they actually threaten to harm you, don’t leave it at blocking, report them! (but also, make sure to only use this option when you are being threatened irl. Reporting is serious, and not a tool to be abused for, “They said something mean and I don’t like them.”)

4) MOST IMPORTANT: Don’t engage with them. I know if they give a shitty opinion, it’s easy to get heated and want to argue. But most likely, they’re hiding it under anon anyway, and you’re doing exactly what they want by getting mad. They don’t care about logic or whether or not their point makes sense. Their only goal is to upset you. So don’t let them win!

The best thing to do, REALLY, is to ignore them. Don’t give them a response by answering their ask, don’t reblog their response if they added it to your post that way. Especially if they’re anon, they have no choice but to keep refreshing your blog in hopes you respond, no way to get notified. Cool, let them keep doing that forever! They’re not worth your time. And they can’t win an argument you don’t accept, so they’ve lost as soon as you’ve rejected them.

(and if you feel like it, before blocking/deleting their shitty messages, take a screenshot, and then share it with your friends in private to laugh at them. It’s quite cathartic ^v^)b)

Another note, but if you’re nervous about posting content about an unpopular ship, it’s okay to ease yourself into it too. You don’t have to draw them naked ‘n snogging right from the get go (and tumblr doesn’t allow n//s//f//w anyway). You may have noticed that a LOT of my works are kinda ambiguously shippy/platonic if you squint and want to read it that way. Part of that’s just bc that’s the sort of content I enjoy creating, with romance being ambiguous, but it’s also less provocative if you want to avoid confrontation with antis ^ ^;

And ANOTHER note, but make sure to tag your ships! It’s a courtesy that’s important to remember on Tumblr and AO3 (and I wish would be adopted on twitter sigh). Tagging is us creators’ way of staying in our lane, and putting up all proper warnings. IF despite the tags, content consumers decide not to blacklist and engage anyway, well, then that’s on them.

So this answer got a bit long and isn’t at all concise, and I apologize for that. But I hope there’s an answer for you buried in here somewhere.

TLDR: There’s always gonna be judgement. Decide for yourself whether you want to post. Not everyone who posts has confidence, you’re not alone. Having positive interactions helps balance out the damage done by negative ones. Be prepared by knowing what tools you’ve got when the negative ones come. If you’re nervous, it’s ok to create more ambiguous content. Tag your posts.

And a final comment: make sure to enjoy creating! Create because you love it first and foremost, and let your creation be an expression of that joy.

❀ ❀ Send YukiPri an Ask! ❀ ❀

#YukiPri replies #Anonymous #longpost #long post #I'm sorry this isn't entirely positive and probably too personal #I want to encourage you to create and post if you want to #but I also want to be honest and say that it's not always fun and to be honest about that #there are ways of dealing with antis and with your own sense of worth #but it's a real uphill battle sometimes sigh

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kuntrabida · 4 years

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2. the axon snaps and thoughts can’t travel (a rant abt COVID-19, senior year spring, and college in the fall)

12 may 2020

the gap year. the fall sem. the jump cut. the FUTURE. much on my mind right now folks lmao (prob folk in singular since like one (1) person’s gonna read this ashvcxjkv)

okay so let’s break this DOWN ig. yea LET’S unpack my inner psyche and my mental baggage at this point because i’m sure that i can’t be the only one feeling this way and even if i am, i’d like to get it off my chest and not rant to the same five people who’ve heard me talk about the same sad subject throughout the entire duration of quarantine asdjfkvcxufdsw

let’s start with senior year haHA :) still haven’t gotten over that xoxo even tho i’ve tricked myself into thinking that i have! gonna refer to it as ye olde Jump Cut because that’s exactly what all this feels like... like mother nature just threw the video file of my high school experience into a fuckinn Premiere timeline or smth and slammed her fist on the W key (an esoteric reference, i know, i know, my bad, but iykyk).

THE JUMP CUT – senior year’s over and i know it’s a stupid fucking thing to be upset about during a LITERAL GLOBAL PANDEMIC where people are losing and risking their lives and entire livelihoods are being upended but i still... can’t help but feel upset and terrified and devastated about what i’ve always viewed as this buffer period in my life between high school and college to just VIBE and figure myself out a little bit more being cut short. especially when, for once, things were going so well.

god, the last thing i wanna do is sound dramatic and utterly tone deaf because I RECOGNIZE my privilege and how incredibly fortunate i am to have a roof over my head and food in my fridge and a bed with a damn duvet cover to sleep in at night but i’m... so fucking sad. i’ve BEEN so fucking sad, and i think what’s even worse is the fact that i’ve been DENYING how fucking sad i’ve been feeling because i don’t think i’m... allowed to be sad in this situation? but at the same time i consciously understand that my feelings are valid and everything... it just feels like legitimately everything else in the world right now dwarfs all my concerns combined. but alas. here i am, making a blog post about my feelings to finally try and sort them out...

i just aghsdfhxhzjlk i wasn’t finished. that really is the best way to put it. i wasn’t finished with any of it. and i suppose a lot of that is my own fault for taking all the good times for granted (but also lowkey the fault of idek who... american society? for romanticizing and commodifying the culmination of high school oop)/

i feel like so many people focus on those big milestone events associated with senior year: prom, graduation, senior awards, etc. but to me personally, and to nearly every one of the friends i’ve talked to, it’s the little things that matter most — the absence of which we feel the deepest. i miss spilling coffee on myself in the cafeteria and burning frozen pastries in the toasters and complimenting people’s outfits in the hallways and staying in the building from dawn till dusk and eating takeout on the floor and hastily texting my friends at the end of the school day asking if they wanted to hang out or if they could give me a ride home and i MISS spontaneous sushi and starbucks excursions and quiet heart to hearts in coffee shops and last minute target runs and stressing out about music events and belting in the practice rooms and learning choreography in parking lots where confused drivers would momentarily glance over and just KEEP ON DRIVING and lying on the ground in one of the school’s hallways facing the sun when the light would hit JUST RIGHT through the glass and i could close my eyes and pretend i was at the beach or on an island or in a canyon somewhere or SOMETHING, anywhere, anywhere but there. and i feel this chasm in my throat whenever i think about it because looking back at those moments, i realize that there’s literally no place i’d rather be right now than inside my high school building on a normal ass day dealing with normal ass problems with exceptional, radiant, life-giving souls there to have my back and support me and hug me wow, GOD, hug me. wow how i miss hugs. and I miss my friends. shit.

hell bro i even miss the days where everything would become a little too much for me and i’d have to find recluse in a digital media classroom and the scent of old lemon-laced coffee grounds as they brewed into dingy styrofoam cups and wandered through the halls with me during the period, into the music room where i literally grew UP and found my voice and discovered validity in my own identity and all that JAZZ and into the bathrooms where i’d spend such subtle, unsuspecting mornings with friends still practically sleepwalking and FUCK bro. frankly i’m just not ready to jump into a life where all the things i hold dear are “remember when”s. i can’t imagine this entire world that i’ve built for myself being a thing of the past, a thing that i’ll look back on as one of the best fucking times of my life even though i never realized it when it mattered, a thing i still want so so so much more of, that i am not and may not ever be ready to let go. i want it all back. but i know getting upset over it is a futile pursuit, because there’s nothing i can do, and that just fuels this feedback cycle of anger and hopelessness and denial and back again.

i do think of that good ol’ winnie the pooh quote, though. “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” but it doesn’t really make anything hurt any less. and i guess i’m just tired of hurting lol.

THE FUTURE – dawg what the fuck is happening with colleges in the United States right now bro what is the protocol what do i DO¿

pretty damn self explanatory. my defense mechanism has ALWAYS been, “at least things will be better a couple months from now!!!!” and yeah, with university and the reality of getting to attend my dream college fast approaching i did believe that for a hot second but CORONA DAWG CORONA just plunges everything into the sea of uncertainty. i know i’m not the only one frustrated by this damn virus and i should be comforted by the unity we all have in our confusion but lmao i do not feel any better! no! one! has! any! answers! asdjfkvlcxvjl being a graduating high school and incoming college student right now is so FUCKING confusing and frightening and once again i want to acknowledge what an incredible privilege it is to even have the option of a higher education open to me but it’s such a multifaceted and unpredictable issue this year and thinking about the future — again my go-to defense mechanism and at the very least a worthy consideration since i’ll be putting down hella dollars for it — has been the cause of so much stress...

THE FALL SEM – i! don’t! know! if! it’s! gonna! be! on!line! and i am not planning on staying in my house any longer for a goddamn variety of reasons soo i have no clue how to plan for this! no one does right now!

our administration keeps affirming that we’re planning for a return to normalcy in the fall semester but a considerable amount of students and experts alike are saying that it’s essentially a cover so no one’ll panic and decline or defer their acceptances. SO MANY OTHER COLLEGES are revealing their contingency plans to have an online semester and ahaHA if i have to STAY in this HOUSE for ANOTHER 4 MONTHS that would FRICKIN SUCK DAWG lmaO i’ll leave it at that! so i’m: very much panicking!

i know that things are so uncertain right now and there’s really no point in trying to predict what’s going to happen in the next couple of months because so many unknowns remain. i know that a lot of universities are gonna be in deep shit if they don’t open in the fall but at the same time, if it’s a damn public health risk it’s definitely better to keep as many people home as possible. but i have no CLUE what institutions are gonna end up doing and again, literally no one does either! i was listening to a podcast yesterday about university plans for the upcoming academic year and i got asdhvjckxv so stressed when they said that we could be one week away from the start of the school year and things could still be drastically different the next week... there’s just no way of knowing much of anything and god i hate that. it’s making me so goddamn anxious.

i really doubt things are going to be back to normal in New York in the fall sooo...? i don’t know man again it comes down to asking people questions they don’t have the answers to and that’s just incredibly frustrating because i just want to know ONE THING for certain right now. ONE THING! idk i just wish that my college would be a little more transparent about their plans as they move along and figure things out but i know that’s not feasible. at the very least i hope things will be safe enough for them to make dorming on campus an option — freshmen have a pretty ample amount of singles available anyway. but if i have to spend the first semester of college onLINE in THIS HOUSE that’s... gonna suck. especially because i’m still probably going to be paying thousands of dollars for it which is, as my grandmother says, foul!

THE GAP YEAR – to defer or not to defer? that is the question.

so naturally in preparation for a potentially wonky ass academic year i’m considering deferring enrollment. but lmao... the deadline to do so is in uh *checks watch* three (3) literal days so. don’t know about that chief!

like, i know i’m PROBABLY NOT gonna end up taking a gap year. but i guess it’s just the fact that i have so much more canvas space to daydream about it that makes it so appealing... there are so many more possibilities that i can think of that are more likely to be open to me. then again, nothing’s guaranteed. not even my own health in the fall. which is also pretty fuckin scary as hell.

y’all wanna know where i get my gap year daydream fuel? UNJADED JADE. bruh i’ve been binging her videos like MAD especially the ones where she interrails Europe during her gap year and UGH. it seems incredible. and that makes things even more confusing because i really don’t know what the right decision to make is right now. to defer or not to defer...

again it’s all so heavily influenced by unknowns. of all the things that could happen, i’d much prefer to have a regular freshman year fall with the people in my class whom i’ve already been getting to know pretty well through groupchats and social media and the like. they’re a pretty dope bunch and i think college with them is gonna be a hoot and a goddamn half. but if i’ll end up just staying home and watching zoom lectures in my basement anyway... i’d much rather be taking a gap year.

and i’ve been brainstorming what i’d do during this gap year (again, thanks Unjaded Jade for the god-tier content agh) and there’s just like... so many options. i could get a goddamn JOB and start saving up for tuition instead of paying tens of thousands for online school. hell with the money i make working full time i could probably save up enough to afford an apartment so at the very least i could move out of my house into a place where i feel more comfortable. and lmao I: s a l i v a t e at the thought of using that time to focus on my writing, too. the amount of writing i could get done in a year of empty calendar space... glorious. what an utterly glorious prospect.

and of course, i’d love to fucking travel, volunteer (with a reputable and well-intentioned organization) in a foreign country, do a workstay abroad, take a train across america, but again, i don’t even know if any of that’s going to be feasible in the fall. it’s so FRUSTRATING because i’ll think of a possibility and then another one comes in and completely shuts the former down.

and it’s not like i can ask anyone for advice right now because we’re ALL none the wiser. plus, i’ve realized that frankly, even if it’s unreasonable, i don’t want anyone to tell me that my plans for a gap year aren’t feasible. it’s such a petulant thing to say... but i don’t want anyone to add to my sense of there being a limited amount of options that i can take advantage of because everything’s already so goddamn stifling as is. i guess the prospect of a gap year excites me so much because it seems like a year where i don’t have to be defined by anyone or anything but myself. and that’s so fucking liberating.

i just want the freedom to imagine right now because that’s when i feel happiest, but at the same time i’m afraid to get my hopes up for anything because i have this sinking feeling that the absolute worst case scenario is going to become reality. lmao. people in my state aren’t even fucking social distancing correctly so i’m damn sure that we’re in for a second and a third wave and that’s gonna suck but people are stupid as hell :)

lol on that positive note, thanks for reading this... increasingly depressing and chaotic rant. don’t really think i’m doing this “blog” stuff right but if you got this far, i love you. leave a note if you so please, comment your thoughts, reblog if you’d like (still don’t really understand the difference between reblogging and reposting on this app but lmao feel free to click the boxy arrow thing), and stay safe and healthy and all that jazz <3

#corona #high school #senior year #college #rant #blog #if you can call a frayed amalgam of rants a blog lmao #writeblr #i'm doing this shit wrong I can FEEL IT #anyway thanks for reading #I read this back and it sounds way more dramatic and deep than it is I apologize for the melodrama

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regular-lord-reckoner · 6 years

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so, a dude i used to go to high school with messaged me out of the blue the other day

and me being me (world’s dumbest bitch award recipient 1990-present) i’m willing to give this the benefit of a doubt

i mean...me also being the tired bitch i am just flat out asked him why he messaged me (i wasn’t mean about it, but after the chit-chat catch up stuff it’s like...what do you want from me?)

and basically i guess he’s just in a place where he doesn’t really have a lot of friends in town and he doesn’t really talk to anyone from high school anymore, so he’s reconnecting with some folks and he remembers me being pretty cool, plus a good person to talk to and i guess he’s been having a rough time lately so basically it’s just “hey, wanna get coffee sometime and catch up/talk?” that kind of thing

which again like...alright

it wouldn’t kill me to make new friends or i guess in this case reconnect with an old friend even though we were never really that close in high school, but fine

i’m still...suspicious because i dunno

it’s weird because when i go out into public and just...exist, guys don’t bother me

i don’t get flirted with, i don’t get harassed, nobody tries to get my number or anything like that, which y’know...is pretty nice although internalized misogyny has me thinking “damn, i’m really that ugly, huh???” but regardless like...that’s my jam, right?

any of the attention i ever get is either from dudes online who don’t actually know what i look like or dudes who once had crushes on one of (of multiple of) my friends and after being rejected or realizing it wouldn’t work out they finally notice me and are like, “oh yeah, i guess that’s a girl. yeah, sure why not?”

which...i dunno if this is a sign of what little confidence i do have or if it’s because i hate myself so much that either way i’m just like -___- about the whole thing because it’s not...genuine, y’know?

just for once in my fucking life i’d like someone to take an interest in me not as an afterthought or because they’ve exhausted all other options or because they’re lonely but just...because it’s me, y’know?

call me fucking nuts, but i feel like that’s...part of it? feel like that’s a pretty normal thing to want, idk

i’ve certainly liked plenty of people for who they are and their whole deal in general, not because of like...convenience

and that’s already something i struggle with anyway because in the past i’ve had friendships that i don’t want to entirely discredit because i still feel like somewhere deep down there was...something there, but that nevertheless got to a place where it was just like...this person only keeps me around because i buy them things and/or am willing to drop everything to listen to/try to help them with their problems, but when it’s my turn it’s like...golly anna, i don’t know what to say.

which, to be fair, for my kind of problems i really do just need to see a fuckin’ therapist about because i can’t expect my friends to like...deal with trauma i haven’t even dealt with in almost 10 years or have anyone waste their time trying to rationalize my irrational thinking when we both know no matter what’s said or done...i’m still gonna be super mentally ill about it so like...there’s that

but especially when it’s anything to do even slightly pertaining to relationships or just...anything it really sucks to feel like the only time anyone wants anything from me in that department is as a last resort

because at least for the shitty friendships i’ve had, i’ve also had good friendships where try as my mind might, i don’t think i’m that person who’s only there because like...might as well, y’know?

but with relationships and shit like that...no, i don’t have that reassurance

and again, you can say “oh but anna, you just don’t see the full picture!” but honestly, H O N E S T L Y i don’t think anyone’s ever taken a genuine interest in me because if they have, it’s fuckin’ news to me, it’s never been brought to my attention and that’s not even me being oblivious like...it’s just not there

at best, i’ve had some promising conversations on places like okcupid but shit tends to fizzle out pretty quickly and it never amounts to anything

and again, i guess i’ll...give myself some credit here because i could definitely see how all things combined a dude just messaging me and maaaaaaybe being interested would theoretically be enough for me to be like “holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!!!!” but i’m mostly just...tired.

i dunno

it may turn out dude just genuinely wants a friend and he’s casting out a net to people he thinks are cool and just trying to reconnect with people. i get that.

i obviously love my online friends and i love my real life friends, but i don’t get to see my online friends that much and even my real life friends all live like ~2 hours away from me, so it’s not like i can just get off work and go meet up to hang out just whenever and for the most part, that’s fine, i’m not someone who constantly needs to be going out all the time, but there’s a part of me that’s like...yeah, it’d be nice if i had people closer to home i could just go get some coffee with or maybe grab dinner with sometime

and if that’s the case like...hey, no worries

but if it’s anything more than that i’m already dreading having to shut that shit down because i may not think i’m worth anything, but that doesn’t mean i need to like...exacerbate my problems by letting some dude use me

and i hate to even think that because this dude may have the purest of intentions and, more likely than not, just sees me as a bro and would be thrown off if he knew i was even suspicious but...shit is what it is

it wouldn’t be the first time a dude i went to high school with took interest in me seemingly out of the blue, but only come to find out it’s because they exhausted all their other options (usually my friends, so that was cool) and figured, “meh, this’ll do” or that one time i “””””dated”””” someone for a week and it turns out he was engaged the whole time??? yeah, that was cool. suuuuuuuper cool

i mean...i’m not AT ALL fucked in the head about my self esteem and feeling like in spite of me wanting a relationship super badly that it’s never going to fucking happen for me because i’m either too ugly or too mentally ill or too boring or just...whatever for that to be possible, but on top of that let’s pile dudes who only ever perk up to me when they’re at their lowest and figure drinking gasoline when you’re dying of thirst is better than nothing

it’s FINE

i’m FINE

do i need to go to therapy? uh-yeah, abso-fucking-lutely

and i’m trying to take baby steps, i really am, i’ve been looking at local therapists and shit like that but at the same time i uh...i’m gonna have to...unpack a lot of shit i put in a box about ten years ago and just...never really dealt with

and there’s a part of me that’s like...well, i made it ten years without opening that box, surely i can make it another ten. and then another. and then another etc. (not that i want to live that long anyway, but i also didn’t think i’d make it this far so surprise, 8 year old me who wanted nothing more than to just fuckin’ die. we’re still here, on this bitch of an earth in this fuck of an existence and we’re still...doin’ it)

but i also know that it’s entirely possible one day all of that shit’s just gonna...breach the surface and i’ll likely have a complete and utter meltdown so that’s...not great

also just in general, i have...a lot of shit i need to work on about myself, about how i feel about myself, etc. but boy oh boy is that a rough motivation to stir up when the conversation between you and you is basically:

me: um, hey we should probably like...try to do something about all this? you’re almost 30, don’t you think you should...try to get better? try to be a better you? get a handle on your shit, maybe?

me: absolutely not, i fucking suck, i’ve always sucked, and if you think there’s something underneath all of this that doesn’t suck, my friend, have i got news for you. it’s all suck. all the way down. you know how you’re working on a project or whatever’s a good metaphor here, and you make a mistake, but you try to fix it or just keep going but shit just gets worse and worse and worse and eventually it’s not fixable anymore and from no way, shape, or angle could the finished product be considered good and you’d just do better to throw the whole fuckin’ thing out and start from scratch?

me: i mean yeah, i guess

me: okay, well that’s you, my friend

me: oh worm?

me: worm

so...y’know, it’s rough

i’m not saying i won’t, i know this shit is tough no matter what and my situation is in no way unique it’s just...taking me some time to get to that point where i even feel like i deserve it or that i’d be willing to do it

REGARDLESS i’m willing to give this entire situation a chance

he said something about maybe meeting up saturday to get some coffee or something, so we’ll see if that ends up happening and how that goes and maybe once i actually talk to him face to face i can get a better read on the entire situation

i just...at this point, i really just hope he wants to be friends

i know a young, less jaded me would probably be freaking out because a guy i thought was cute in high school wants to hang out with me, oh boy!!! but present me is a little too cynical and definitely just...tired of feeling like i’m only ever a last resort of last possible option

i guess i’ll...have an update by this weekend, maybe?

although if dude says or does anything that makes it obvious he’s interested in something more i’ll probably just shut that shit down before it goes anywhere because i don’t really know him that well, but based off his social media it seems like he got out of a relationship not too long ago and it’s not to say you can’t be interested in someone else soon after, but i’m not...the person you want to talk to if you want a rebound, my guy

i’m nearly a 30 year old virgin, i’ve got...literally nothing to offer you except for disappointment

this kind of thing just...exhausts me because i feel like i can already see ten miles away how this ends and i’m just...so, so, so fucking tired of feeling like this. i’m so tired of only ever being seen as like...possible rebound option or vulnerable lonely girl ripe for plucking or, my favorite, the girl nobody pays attention to until they’re done fawning over my friends

i’d honest to god just rather go the rest of my life being completely ignored and never bothered than to deal with that again and again and again

but i’ll try not to get too ahead of myself and not be so pessimistic

try being the key word here

#ramblin

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