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teyamsatan · 10 months

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Hi x i wanted to talk about something that has happened to me recently, because i feel like it needs to be addressed lol. I would have never considered talking about it if the person in question had had an ounce of maturity and respect, but she obviously doesn’t, and it’s my reputation on the line and my fault for expecting it hahahah.

So a few days ago, the whole Jake is Jacob debacle happened on tumblr, which to me was cute and harmless and fun. Now some people really feel the need to bring other people down and prove (to themselves only, let’s be honest) how “superior” and “intelligent” they are, so she started making fun and basically insulting the OP of the post, which really upset me. I didn’t say anything about it and quietly unfollowed the person, because if i find content I disagree with, that is (to me) the only way to approach the situation.

Anyway, later, i was made aware that she continued trash talking people in the fandom, continuing this tired narrative that despite being the one to initiate it, she was the “victim” bullied by “kids”, which i resented, for a couple of reasons.

1. Ageism is ageism no matter the form it comes in. It is no different to shit on a person just for being young and minding their business, than it is to do so with people who are older.

2. I’m tired of the “i was here first and therefore i am inherently better than you” stupid narrative. You don’t get a cookie cause you found something sooner, pls PLEASE understand that.

3. The “everyone is so young” bs is simply not true. I am the same age as her, so are some of my mooties or just a couple years older, and we’re all here, and we’re all trying to have a good time, and that’s what matters. None of us are out here flaunting our age or our maturity, because it is inconsequential.

4. Saying to someone that their “pre-frontal cortex” isn’t fully developed, is fucking ridiculous. What a stupid argument. You’re really going to insult someone for something they have reasonably absolutely no control over and try to use it as an insult against them? Girlie, in 2023? Do you understand how stupid that is? You think you’re superior cause your mum pushed you out a few years earlier like you had anything to do with it??? Like idk that is wild to me.

5. You can’t insult people on here for “being young and dumb” and how much “better” and “more mature” you are, and then in the same breath pick a fight with them and be willing to die on that hill. Because if you have any sort of common sense, that would imply that you must be succumbing to their levels and you are not capable of having any higher level discourse. Like how do you not see that that you're just proving to everyone how immature you truly are?

So, i wrote her an ask. Not on anon, not trying to start anything, just an ask telling her my opinion and telling her that as someone who is the same age as her, her behaviour is disappointing.

Now i need you to see the message because she won’t show it to you, because she wants to build this narrative that people are “harassing” her. Please note that nobody is “harassing” her. If i wanted to harass her, I could and I would not do it with my username intact. I wanted to her to understand the opinion (that i share with my friends and mooties) of someone who’s the same age as her. She won’t answer it because she knows there is no way to spin this in her favour.

Instead, what she can do, is what she does best. Trying to spin this negatively, insulting me and my writing (you’re 26 and the best you could come up with is “god awful cringey ass fics”? ouch, that hurt.) and tagging it “neteyam imagine” cause what person who wants to read neteyam fics doesn’t want to see that. Now again, she is blocked for me because I absolutely do not want to engage with people like her, but i was made aware of this and since she’s talking about me and could potentially come to people’s inboxes or dms and talking trash about me, i wanted you besties to know and to read everything and make your own minds about it, having all the information, not just what she deems appropriate to give you.

Anyway, sorry for this long ass rant, but it needed to be said. Please, if you don’t agree with someone, especially if it’s over something so incredibly trivial as a name, let it go. It’s not worth it. If it’s something not trivial, block. It’s not worth it. Insulting someone for things they have no control over doesn’t put you on top, it makes you a dick. Acting like you’re inherently better cause you’ve been in a fandom longer isn’t cool, trust me. Just please, save your energy and put it in your art, in your job, in your relationships, in yourself.

Now, i will go write my cringey ass fics 😉 good luck besties, and smooches.

ALSO!!! DO NOT engage with this person. PLEASE. Please do not prove her right. Please do not leave her anon hate or anything of the sort, please please please. It’s not worth it.

#xoxos #should i tag this neteyam imagines too????#ೃ⁀➷ andra rambles #ೄྀ࿐ andra’s personal stuff ˊˎ

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taxicabinmemphis · 4 years

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Love with the Help of Remus and Wine

Inspired by @somehow-i-got-an-account ! Fae had this idea and I thought I’d write it for faer. Part 1/2. [tumblr] won't let me fit the whole fic so two chapters it is.

chapter two

Pairing - Roceit

Word count - 3,318

Warnings - alcohol, swearing, self-deprecation, kissing, Remus being Remus (sexual innuendo, vomit mention, non pg nicknames)

Roman kicked on Remus’ door loudly, as if to knock. He was carrying a bottle of red wine and two glasses. Fortunately for Roman, he had recently begun to make nice with his brother, so it wouldn’t be weird for him to come knocking and asking for someone to drink with.

“Remus!” Roman exclaimed dramatically. “Are you there?”

After half a minute of waiting, Remus opened the door. “Roman! What brings you here?”

“I had a terrible day,” he said bluntly. “Would you like to drink with me?”

“Sure,” Remus responded. He let Roman in.

The creative side snapped his fingers to make the bottle open and poured glasses for both of them. He sat on the floor, Remus sitting on a beanbag in front of him.

“So, Remus. How was your day?” Roman asked, taking a sip of wine.

“Could’ve been better,” he replied. “Though it’s likely ass-tacular compared to yours.”

“Yeah, probably,” Roman agreed.

“What was so shitty about your day?”

“Oh, where to start?” Roman asked, finishing his glass. “All my ideas were objected to by either Logan or Virgil. Patton gave me the puppy-dog eyes to convince me to watch a cartoon I do not like, I slept horribly, Thomas didn’t ask for my input today, and I had another god-awful interaction with Janus.”

Remus perked up. “What happened with Janus?”

“We’ve been starting to get along better recently, as you know,” Roman said, pouring himself another glass. “We’ll have normal conversations and maybe even watch a show together. But today was just like how it used to be. ‘Hi.’ ‘Hi.’ ‘What are you doing?’ ‘Getting food.’ ‘What food?’ ‘It totally isn’t Pop-Tarts.’ ‘Oh cool.’ ‘I’m gonna awkwardly sink out because I hate you, Roman.’” He took a long drink of his newly poured wine before sighing. “The stupid snake can’t even talk to me about Pop-Tarts.”

Remus didn’t have a response for a moment too long. “At least that isn’t how all your interactions go.”

Roman rolled his eyes. “It seems like it is when you’ve had a terrible day.” He sipped his wine. “Has it all been for nothing, all this healing him and I are trying to do? Does he still hate me as much as he used to?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Remus asked with a shrug.

“He’s your best friend, right? I think that’s what you mean when you call him your ‘snake slut’.”

Remus blinked, taking a moment before speaking. “Nah, Roman, he doesn’t hate you. And the healing we’re doing isn’t for nothing. I think you could say the same for you and Janus.”

Roman shook his head. “Sometimes a weird part of me misses the times where he pretended he liked me and was good at it. Now, he’s terrible at it! Even I was able to see through his act today. He’s getting worse at hiding that he’s forcing his fondness.”

“Maybe that’s the difference,” Remus suggested.

“Hmm?”

“The way he acts with you now is different than the way he used to act with you. Maybe what you think is badly veiled dislike is actually fondness he doesn’t know how to show well.”

Roman looked at him strangely. “What in Neverland could make you think this?”

“I’m just saying, whore,” Remus said immediately, “Janus doesn’t seem the type to let a deception become so hard to believe.”

“He did it when he impersonated Patton,” Roman mumbled into his wine.

Remus hummed in thought. “The ending of that lie did leave much to be desired. Then again, he did really want Thomas to lie.”

Roman nodded, finishing his wine. “I just want him to stop pretending to like me. Can’t he just act and treat me in a way that mirrors the way he sees and feels about me?”

“Well-”

“It kinda hurts to be the side he tries to deceive the most.” Roman bit his lip. “I mean, I know I’m stupid, but I don’t need the fact that everyone knows it rubbed in my face all the time.”

“Roman, you’re not-”

Roman laughed, pouring himself a third glass. “Says the guy who called me stupid three times last week. It’s not a big deal! I know I don’t have half the brains as the rest of you.”

“You create the shit that Thomas puts out, I think that counts for something.”

Roman snorted. “Sure.”

Roman paused as he brought the glass to his mouth. He already had two drinks, and he had not been drinking for a long time at all. But, this was Remus. He didn’t have to worry about being judged while drunk with him.

So, he continued to drink the wine.

Part of Janus was starting to regret helping out Remus this evening. Remus didn’t have too great a day and was really exhausted, and was talking with Janus when Roman knocked. Remus begged Janus to impersonate him as he couldn’t bear being around anyone other than Janus. Janus begrudgingly agreed (neither had any desire to hurt or lie to Roman in any way, but Remus was feeling absolutely terrible) and Remus sunk out, letting Janus do his thing.

But when Roman mentioned him, Janus couldn’t help his curiosity—and now he was hearing things he wasn’t supposed to. He couldn’t help but want to hear what the dashing prince thought of their interactions, but things were on track to getting out of hand. It was only getting harder for Janus to refrain himself from breaking character, explain why he had been acting the way he was with Roman, and tell him just how much he liked him. Also, Roman was close to being drunk—he was already failing to keep eye contact with Janus—and if Janus didn’t change the subject to something unimportant or inconsequential soon, he would hear personal things Roman wouldn’t want anyone to hear.

So, no matter how much Janus wanted to hear his love’s every opinion on him, he changed the subject. “Are you sure you should be drinking that much?”

Roman scoffed. “Since when are you the one to scold me over drinking habits?”

“What? I just don’t want you to vomit on my floor.”

“I’m sure you’d take a picture and frame it,” Roman shot back. “Either way, I practically never do this. I have just had a really bad day and I will allow myself to drink like it.”

Janus rolled his eyes, sipping his wine. He was still on his first glass. “Still want to complain about Janus?”

“No, I think I’m done for now,” Roman declined. Janus noticed his words were starting to slur. “Do you want to complain about Janus?”

Janus gave him the most Remus-ish laugh he could muster. “Besides him being a buzzkill and a drama queen with no taste, there’s not much I have to complain about right now.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Roman drinking more of the third glass of his wine while Janus rationed his first. He could not get drunk while impersonating someone.

“More wine, Dukey?” Roman slurred.

Janus shook his head. “Nah, wine isn’t close to being my favorite alcoholic drink anyway.” It was true of Remus, but not of Janus. “But maybe you should stop?”

“And why’s that?”

“Your words are slurring.”

Roman frowned. “Even if I was trying to do that, it seems like something you’d enjoy.”

Janus snorted. He didn’t reply, though, worried what would happen if he started a conversation. He didn’t want to violate Roman’s privacy. (Though, he already failed on that front. Remus really did owe him.)

Eventually, Roman finished his third glass. He sighed, putting the glass down. He stared at who he thought was Remus intently for a few minutes.

“Remus?” Roman was lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling.

“What?”

“He’s so wonderful.”

Janus closed his eyes, trying to process what was going on. “Sorry, what?”

“So smart,” Roman continued, “and interesting.”

Janus opened his eyes, slowly starting to realize what was happening. Roman’s drunken state was making him speak everything that came to mind—and now he was confessing an admiration for someone.

“He’s sometimes really kind to me,” he said happily. Roman then frowned. “But he doesn’t mean it, which is okay I guess. That’s the way everyone is with me.”

Janus tried not to listen to what Roman was saying, though he couldn’t help but feel terrible for Roman from his last two sentences. “Roman, you really should stop talking.”

“Why should I stop talking about him when my mind never shuts up about him?” Roman replied. “Besides, I know you won’t tell anyone. Do you feel this way about someone, Remus?”

“Umm-”

“It’s so awful,” Roman stated. “Painful. It hurts a lot. But you also get a new appreciation for things, and there’s nothing like the feeling you get when they give you a genuine smile.”

Janus was silent. He knew everything about what Roman was saying too well. Yes, it did hurt—especially when they were talking to you about who they loved instead of you—but Roman was right. There was nothing like the feeling you get when they smile.

Janus couldn’t help but wonder who Roman was talking about. Maybe it was Patton. He smiled a lot and was very kind.

“Who do you think he has feelings for, if anyone?” Roman asked. “I...I bet it’s Patton.”

Maybe it was Logan. Logan was the smartest of them, and if someone felt for him romantically, they’d likely find him very interesting. His smile was rare—so treasuring it made a lot of sense. He and Roman argued a lot too; that could be a source of emotional pain for the creative side.

Roman laughed bitterly. “It could never be me though, which sucks. After all I’ve done to him, he could never.”

Virgil made sense too. They had a terrible feud at the beginning of things, which explained Roman’s latest comment as well as being so painfully in love. His smile was almost as rare as Logan’s, and he was smarter than anyone gave him credit for. And if Virgil was ever kind to Roman—it made sense that he didn’t think he meant it. Not with all the unconcealed distaste that used to plague their relationship.

Yes, it was either Virgil or Logan.

Janus didn’t dare entertain that it was him. They had wronged the other so many times. Yes, they considered themselves friends now, but there was no way Roman felt for him further than that. Hell, Roman was just complaining about him!

So it was either Virgil or Logan.

“I’m sure he’ll forgive your actions,” Janus assured him, trying to lift Roman’s spirits.

“Oh, he’s said he has,” Roman replied. “But that doesn’t mean he’ll like me. Especially not like that. He’s too good for me anyway.”

Roman went to refill his wine, only for Janus to stop him.

“No way,” Janus said, getting off the beanbag and pushing Roman’s hands and his glass down. “No more for you.”

“But I want more,” Roman whined.

Janus shook his head. “You’re already drunk.”

Roman glared at him. Janus, satisfied, went back to sitting on the beanbag.

“He deserves someone like Patton,” Roman said after a moment. “Sweet, kind, not a fuck-up, not stupid like me.”

Janus suppressed a noise of pain. It hurt to know the man he loved thought so low of himself. “Roman, you’re not-”

“And yeah, no one could ever be good enough for him. I’m not saying anyone could. But, since I’m the last on the list and he deserves love, I gotta prepare myself.”

“For his rejection?” Janus asked.

Roman shook his head. “I’m never gonna tell him, not if I can help it. I gotta prepare for when he loves someone else.”

“Either way, maybe we should wind down for the night, I can take y-”

“He’s just so amazing,” Roman said dreamily. “How is he so amazing?”

“I…”

“So talented, brilliant, persuasive, charming, and so much more. I don’t know how I’ll get over him. I’m not sure I can.” He took a deep breath. “Then again, how could I be expected to? How could anyone who loved him be expected to? Loving him...I don’t think there’s a way out. And hell, do I love him. I love him so much, I think it might be illegal.”

Janus looked down at his lap. No matter how much he wanted good things for Roman—for him to be happy with someone he loved and was good for him—this still hurt. To hear him confess his undying love for someone that wasn’t him was absolute torture.

“I love Janus.”

---

Janus didn’t hear anything Roman said after that. The words echoed through his head, Janus unable to focus on anything except the declaration. He heard it over and over in his mind, sentences overlapping and overwhelming his ears.

Roman loved him?

How was that possible?

Roman was so talented, creative, and charming. He was interesting, funny, magnificent, and so incredibly handsome. Roman used to hate Janus. And now he loved him? In that way? It didn’t make any sense to Janus. How could he love Janus? Maybe...maybe it was just the alcohol.

Yes, that could be it.

Did Janus want it just to be the alcohol? No. But it was a plausible—and very likely—idea. That must’ve been it. Sometime between his first and his third drink Roman’s mind had gone from complaining about Janus to claiming he loved him. It was definitely just the wine.

Or, at least, that’s what Janus tried to tell himself. He couldn’t let himself get his hopes up.

It didn’t matter that Roman said his name like it was a sacred and beautiful spell, that he talked about Janus like he loved him more than life itself, that he looked more lovestruck than someone struck with one of Cupid’s arrows when he spoke of Janus. He was just drunk. Janus wanted Roman to mean what he said so much—but there was no way he would set himself up to get let down like that. No matter how much it hurt to suppress the initial delight.

“Roman,” Janus said, interrupting the silence that had occurred after Roman stopped talking. “I think it might be time to take your drunk ass back to your room.”

“But Remus,” he dragged out his brother’s name. “I like being here with you. And aren’t we supposed to be hanging out more?” Janus could hardly make out what Roman was saying.

“Yes, but I think it would be nice if you were able to remember what we did together, hmm?” Janus argued.

Roman groaned. “Whatever. You sound like Janus.”

“The snake bitch is my best friend, of course he rubs off on me a bit,” Janus said, rolling his eyes. “Besides, he acts as a significant part of Thomas’ self-preservation, so it makes sense for me to channel him when I need to make sure you’re keeping your mind and body healthy.”

“You’re right, except Janus doesn’t care about me.”

Janus was so close to removing the disguise and lecturing Roman on just how much he cared. “As his best friend, I can say that he most definitely does.”

Roman squinted at him. “Bullshit.”

“Nope,” he said. “Now, I will sink us both out to your room.”

“Nooooooo,” Roman protested.

Janus walked over to Roman and picked him up bridal style and sunk out and into Roman’s room. He put Roman down on his bed. Janus conjured a glass of water and pain medication and put it on Roman’s nightstand for the morning. When he looked back to Roman, the prince was already making himself comfortable on his bed.

“‘M exhausted, Remus,” he mumbled. “Tiring day. Imma sleep now.”

“You do that.”

Janus switched off Roman’s lights and sunk back into Remus’ room. He made Roman’s wine glass disappear but kept his glass and the bottle itself. He removed his disguise, returning to his normal form. He poured what was left in the bottle into his glass, made the bottle disappear, and, with his glass in hand, sunk out of Remus’ room and into the living room.

Remus was sprawled out of the sofa and was watching some horror television show Janus wasn’t familiar with. He immediately paused it when he noticed Janus’ presence.

“Oh, hey Jan!” Remus greeted. “Did Roman give you too much of a bother?”

Janus stared at him for a moment, his mental and emotional exhaustion starting to take effect. “You owe me big time.” He then took a huge gulp of wine.

Remus’ eyes widened. “Oh my Jeffery Dahmer. What happened?”

“Move over,” Janus demanded. Remus did so, and Janus sat on the couch. “He came in with a bottle of wine and two glasses, claiming he had a terrible day, and suggested we drink together. He complained about his day and about me and my interactions with him.” Janus took another drink from his wine. “I mean, it was my fault for being curious, but still.” He took yet another sip from his drink. “Then he got drunk after downing three glasses of wine. I had to stop him from getting more. And then he…” Janus trailed off, not sure he wanted to finish that sentence.

“He what?”

“He confessed his ‘undying love’ for me,” Janus said, using air quotes. “It was horrible.”

“Oh my god,” Remus said, eyes wide. “He did it.”

“It wasn’t painful at all, Remus,” Janus complained. “He tells me he loves me as if he isn’t drunk off his ass and being influenced by red wine. Why must the universe play with my heart in such a way?”

“Janus…” Remus started slowly, “are you sure it was just the alcohol?”

“Yes!” Janus exclaimed.

“Are you sure it’s not you wanting to spare yourself potential but unlikely heartbreak?”

“Yes!” Janus lied. “It doesn’t matter that it looked honest, or that I couldn’t sense a lie, or that his beautiful eyes were filled with love. It was just the alcohol making him believe he loved me.”

“Janus,” Remus said seriously, “I don’t think it’s just the alcohol.”

Janus rolled his eyes, electing to not respond. He finished his wine and conjured another bottle. He opened the bottle and refilled his glass. It may have been a terrible idea for him to drink excessively earlier, but he didn’t have to keep up an act anymore. And after all that happened? He was in no way going to stop himself.

“You know,” Janus started, breaking the silence, “Roman sees himself terribly.”

“Yeah,” Remus agreed, likely having experienced Roman’s self-deprecation first-hand. “It’s a problem. A bad one.”

Janus nodded. “I didn’t know how bad it was until today. Hearing him say such terrible things about himself—it hurt so much.”

“Maybe you could help with that,” Remus suggested.

Janus frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You’re all about self-care, right? You could talk to Roman, compliment him, tell him how much you love him, show him how much you love him if you know what I mean-”

“Remus,” Janus interrupted. “Maybe. Not those last couple things, though.”

“What? I know you want to.”

“I just want him to know how wonderful he is. I want him to see himself the way I see him.”

“You want him to lust after mirrors?”

“I will push you down the stairs.”

Remus shrugged, picking up the remote. “Is that all I need to know for tomorrow?”

“I guess so, I’ll tell you if there’s anything else you need to know so Roman won’t catch onto us,” Janus replied. “Can we watch The Twilight Zone?”

So tumblr's being a bitch and won't let me fit the whole thing in a post so y'all just gonna have to deal with a chaptered fic. There will only be one more chapter, tho! Don't worry lol if you're scared of commitment to a long series or smthn lmao. Hope you liked it!

#sanders sides #swearing tw #alcohol tw #tw alcohol #roceit #romantic roceit #drunken confessions #roman sanders #janus sanders #remus sanders #fic #kill writes

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alterniea · 5 years

Text

Addressing Jett/Morgan/Vii/Momo

Addressing Jett/Morgan/Vii/Momo, known on tumblr as jettsettrolls, ppeacherine, maid-butterfingers, 7trolls, and many other deleted urls.

In this day and age, I am extremely reluctant to make any sort of “callout” post. I do not believe in supporting the culture of tearing someone to shreds for something relatively minor that happened years ago. I would LOVE to have this disappear into the ether and never think of it again. In fact, I have been wishing for that for practically a decade. However, I have been pushed to my wit’s end repeatedly and have quietly faced having my reputation stained for YEARS.

This is not a callout post. This is a post to lay out my resources and testimonials from other people, to shed light on Jett as a person, and to perhaps set the record straight on some of her claims. I have not publicly retaliated before this. This is likely irrelevant information to all of my followers, but for me it’s important to organize. This post will mostly exist as a reference. I will add more if I have to.

IN SUMMARY: Jett (real name Morgan) is a person who I have known for 10 years. She consistently publicly claims that I am an abusive predator and dangerous to be around, particularly around minors. This has repeatedly caused me to self-isolate or face the consequences of a damaged reputation. She does this without providing evidence other than her word. On the flip side, I have saved messages from people about how Jett treated them poorly and inflicted much of the same pain that she claims I caused her.

GENERAL WARNING FOR ABUSE, SUICIDE, PEDOPHILIA, ETC.

As of October 2019, Jett is still posting about me on her blog in juxtaposition with murderers and child abusers. She states to be against cancel culture, which is very interesting, given what follows in this post. She has built her identity around being a victim of my apparent mastermind.

Here is recent post of her’s. She admits to attempting to “ruin” me to new people that I try to meet in the past.

https://imgur.com/a/hLWkYJl

RECENT EVENTS: Admittedly, I am unsure of where to start on this. I suppose I’ll start by highlighting something that happened relatively recently. In March of 2019 I attempted to join an OCT that was hosted by someone who had heard Jett’s stories about me. The host contacted me with intention to ban me from the competition. What follows is a conversation where I briefly recount my entire relationship with Jett. Make note of how the host says they “loathe her” and that Jett “victimize[s] herself”.

https://imgur.com/a/ygRshvF

Upset about the outcome of this conversation, I went against my own statements and chose to speak to James (Revs). James states that he attempted suicide because of the way he was treated by people during the incident and that he was angry about the misinformation and punishment I was facing years later. This conversation contains very personal information and is posted with James’s permission.

https://imgur.com/a/fly6jHW

In my conversation with the OCT host I mention that Jett deleted one of her fantroll blogs after being targeted by a post by Warrentrolls. Here is the post in question which provides its own links which I will also include. Please note that Jett admits to not having receipts and that her feelings are proof enough of my guilt. This was one of her many attempts to attack me without provocation. This happened in 2018.

https://warrentrolls.tumblr.com/post/176858842147/warrentrolls-7trolls-someone-raised-a-rly

Also mentioned in Jett’s post is an unnamed minor. At the time of the incident four years ago, Jett attempted to message one of my minor friends out of “concern” for them. Their conversation was not recorded, but I have a recent (September 2019) conversation with mentioned friend where they recall their interactions with Jett and express their opinion on the matter. I have redacted their name.

https://imgur.com/a/rELGtaM

From these recent conversations it’s obviously clear that misinformation and rumors about people spread because of Jett and last for many years. It’s also clear that she is not held in positive regard by the people who interact with her or know of her.

PAST EVENTS: In these links you may see the name “Kayla” pop up several times. Kayla was a friend of Jett and me in 2015-2016. Kayla was one of the only people willing to listen to me when Jett decided to raze my reputation while the two were still friends. Jett targeted, isolated, and emotionally/mentally abused Kayla during their friendship, and blames me for it.

Here is Kayla’s entire recollection of their friendship. She mentions me at the end and how Jett attempted to attack me and blames me for her own behavior. This was posted in September 2016.

https://sta.sh/0jssy5m7srw

Here is a supplemental conversation between me and Kayla about the same topic. This was posted in September 2016 and took place in February 2016.

https://imgur.com/a/xRAcFky

Here is the entire conversation between Kayla and Jett when they ended their friendship. This was posted in September 2016 and presumably took place in February 2016. Kayla has added context and commentary in italics. You can see how Jett was upset that Kayla was branching out and making other friends and decided to end their friendship after she realized she could no longer control Kayla.

https://sta.sh/02b8rznk9i61

There are multiple other old conversations I have saved that I do not have permission to share, but they reflect that this behavior is not an isolated incident. There are other people in the fantroll community who faced similar experiences with Jett and when their friendships went sour they had to retreat in fear that Jett would smear their reputations like what she did to me. These people want their anonymity to be preserved, but they exist and their experiences matter.

This is a small snippet from Jett’s perspective as of August 2018. Note her use of language to say that I “used” her to join the fantroll community and she then became upset when I formed other friendships. I cannot provide further context.

https://imgur.com/a/KT4fwQD

I haven’t spoken to her for years and I have no desire to. I assume that there’s more incidents that I am not aware of.

You may have noticed that I do not mention much about the events that took place when Jett and I first met, which was back around 2011-ish, when I was a young teenager. I outlined my recollections in my conversation with the OCT host. I’m not focusing on the very old stuff because I do not have any solid proof of the interactions, and, unlike some people, I know that feelings are not proof. I believe it would be disingenuous for me to spend a long time retelling a high school drama story with no supplemental material.

That is not to say I am, or was, a saint. As a child I was very mentally ill and faced sexual abuse by an older man for many years. I am unable to participate in romantic relationships and have a very strong aversion to being touched. I have struggled with eating disorders and have attempted suicide twice, resulting in long stays at the hospital. It took me a very long time to come to terms with my past and it fills me with shame and guilt to admit or share anything about it. These events took place while I was still friends with Jett in high school, but were not related to her. My mental health has been stable for years now but sometimes it can be hard.

IN CONCLUSION: I hate to make this post about something that should be irrelevant, old, and inconsequential. I do not like to be the person making a post about what someone did years ago. I have always tried to be conscientious about keeping inflammatory content off of my blog. I keep my head down. I second guess myself constantly and often isolate myself from my friends. I live in fear that if I leave my box and reach out to new corners of the internet, Jett’s influence will follow me. And it has. It still does.

I invite you to form your own opinions and conclusions. Jett’s core belief that people, especially minors, should be protected from predators is something that I completely support and advocate for. However, her persistent defamation and crusade against me has gone on too long. I finally feel confident enough to say something back.

To Jett, please be more aware of the damage you cause and stop blaming me when you hurt other people. Stop lying. You used minors like James and my friend to try and demonize me without considering how they felt about the situation. Now you get to see how they feel as adults. I’ve attempted to ignore all of this for years and faced consequences in private. I wish you well, but I need to say something in my own defense.

#ooc #save #what a terrible post this is to make in 2019 #i am not very active on tumblr currently but i would like to have this up for future reference #drama #when it comes down to it this is fairly petty drama but i hope those who read it will understand my frustration #good night everyone

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awaywiththee · 7 years

Text

Rant

The only reason I come to Tumblr these days is to write rants that I kind of don’t want to anyone to see, although I also kind of do. I want someone to maybe see it, and I want to be able to look back on it at some point, without the awkwardness of actually writing in a journal, “only for my eyes”. The validation of someone else having access to my thoughts. I seem to need validation for everything.

Well I have a rant.

I can’t stop thinking about my body lately. I’m upset at myself for not appreciating it more back when I didn’t think about my body, didn’t obsess about it. Then again, I’m always obsessing about something on my person. If I didn’t obsess about my body, it was because I was too busy lamenting my acne. Or my hair.

But now it’s my body, and the fact that it’s no longer what everyone valued it for. Almost daily I used to hear, “you’re very thin” or, “look at how skinny you are” or, “you’re so tiny”. Usually a bit of a scoff in their voice. I felt blamed, but also admired. I could shake my head a bit a someone for being so shallow as to mention my weight and then I would move on, secretly basking in being praised for something I put no effort into.

I had no part in it. I simply ate what I ate, and did what I did, and my body resulted from a combination of the good food that I was fortunate to be provided, and some genetics. My body wasn’t even attractive, it was prepubescent looking and bony. Yet it still seemed to matter so much for this inconsequential reason.

I could swear that I never heard any other comment about my appearance, or about myself in general. Once in a while someone would mention my hair color, but it wasn’t exactly said as a compliment, it didn’t have the same feeling of value attached to it. My red hair made me interesting, my thin figure was what actually made me valuable.

I’m not overweight now. I gained weight, as people tend to do, from birth control pills and antidepressants and age and eating out frequently. Some of the weight is not even that bad. I appreciate the stretch marks on my chest, I hate the ones on my hips. Half the time I’m a size 8, the other a size 6. Nothing particularly odd here.

Yet I can look in the mirror and accept myself, but step outside and feel the need to hide myself. The attitudes, now, are different. I mention going to the gym, people congratulate me. I turn down a dessert, people nod in approval.

I suppose what hurts so much is that such a simple thing can change, I can gain 20 pounds, and all of the sudden I feel that my value is gone. I hate others for it, I hate myself for it. What else is there about me that society values? My face is not stunning, but not bad. Although, an attractive face never seems to forgive a large body anyway, even if it an “unattractive” face can be overlooked on a slim body. I’m not particularly intelligent, my personality is not extraordinary. I am just average.

I feel healthy. I think I still look good. Yet I can’t help but to grieve in some sick way over the loss of admiration I used to get from my body, a body that I had nothing to do with, no right to be proud of. The more I despair over the fact that I no longer feel valued, the more I hate myself for caring. I never asked to care about this, I even think that I should be above it, should have better things to think about.

So this is my acknowledgement of the hurt. The part I don’t mention when I tell someone I’m trying to lose weight, when I say that it’s “just for my health”. There is this other reason, the reason I hate to admit.

I can pretend, but the truth is that in some way I am just as shallow as those people I would shake my head at for caring about my weight. All those years taught me that I should care about it, too. After all, what else am I? I’m overlooked. I’m like a pair of shoes from last season, growing old.

I know I’m not really less valuable for my weight. In reality, the real “problem” I see with myself here is that I let society’s opinions influence me so much that I form opinions in people’s minds that probably don’t even exist. Do I really think people value me less because I’m no longer abnormally thin? No, I don’t. People, in all likelihood, don’t give a flying fuck, and they only ever mentioned my thinness as something to talk about anyway. The truth is that I must be the one who values myself less, and I hate that.

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