#romantic roceit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mimssides · 2 years

Text

Life on Crow Avenue : Part 30

Read on AO3

Masterpost | Taglist | Masterpost LoCA

First | Previous | Next

___

The lighter clicked on and immersed Patton’s hand in orange light. Quickly he held the cigarette to the flame, put the lighter back in his jacket and brought the cigarette to his lips. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. Lazily he let the cigarette sit between his pointer and index finger by his side as he watched the wet concrete on Crow Avenue. Raindrops fell on his umbrella and the cold night air was slowly penetrating through his clothes.

It wasn’t helping. He didn’t feel better or worse. Sighing deeply, he crouched down and put his umbrella handle between his shoulder and his neck. He closed his eyes and listened to the rain fall. Listened to the droplets on the ground, the water flowing down the pipes, and the subtle sound of the water flowing down the streets. His knees were a little wet. He opened his eyes and looked at the little water spots on them. With his free hand, he rubbed over his right one.

A door opened on the other side of the street. Patton looked. A dark figure in a thick raincoat, sweatpants, slippers, and a yellow umbrella stood on the sideway and looked down the block. Patton grinned. He almost hadn’t recognised Janus, hadn’t it been for the black bowler hat. He followed his gaze and made out Virgil’s tall silhouette jogging through the rain. The man truly didn’t know any weather when it came to his runs. Patton chuckled lowly to himself, put the cigarette between his lips and stood up. His knees ached and he puffed out a bit of air and smoke as he cracked back into an upright position.

And somehow that was loud enough to garner Janus and Virgil’s attention. They looked over the street and a weak grin fought its way onto Patton’s lips. Awkwardly he waved at them and hoped that would be it. But it wasn’t. Janus and Virgil waved back, and Janus mumbled something. Virgil answered, also too lowly for Patton to hear. And then the younger man looked at both sides of the street and jogged over to him. Patton’s heartbeat picked up. The smile on his lips grew wider.

“Hey Pat,” Virgil greeted quietly with another hesitant wave.

Patton almost answered but then remembered the cigarette, took it out, exhaled the smoke to the side, so he wouldn’t directly breathe it into Virgil’s face and finally said: “Hey kiddo. It’s already getting a little late for your evening jog, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Virgil looked back to the other side of the road, where he saw Janus slowly walking in their direction as well. Quick he focused back on Patton.

“You’re out late too. Well, 9 isn’t really late but with the rain and stuff, it’s dark and... yeah. Anyway, is there a reason you’re out smoking? I don’t think I’ve seen you smoke before, actually? What’s up?”

Virgil watched Patton flounder at his question. Sheepishly the man looked down at his boots and fumbled with the umbrella with his free hand. Patton tended to move around quite a bit, but he wasn’t usually so skittish and didn’t break eye contact as he had just now. Virgil didn’t like it at all.

“Good evening, Patton,” Janus intervened before Virgil got to ask Patton what that look was for. “I see, you are enjoying this magnificent weather we’re having this evening.”

Patton twirled his umbrella in his hands and shrugged with a meek smile. Then Virgil observed how Janus shifted the weight off his left leg and tilted his head to the side. His eyes flickered over Patton’s features and Virgil could almost see the gears in his head turning. Then his uncle handed him his yellow umbrella with a pointed look.

Quickly, Janus approached Patton, slipped under the umbrella next to Patton, his shoulder brushing against Patton’s chest, and said to him: "Grant me some shelter from these heavy rainfalls, dear. I can’t risk my hair getting ruined by these rude clouds."

Patton’s lips curled slightly into a smile, and he let Janus proceed with no resistance. Uncle and nephew shared a short glance. Yeah, something was definitely wrong. Not quite subtly Janus laid his arm around Patton’s shoulder. He noted how a shiver ran through Patton and tutted slightly at the motion.

“Am I overstepping?”

The tone was light, but Patton could sense the heaviness behind them and immediately shook his head. He didn’t want Janus to think that he had made him uncomfortable. Janus had never made him uncomfortable even though it had broken his heart to hear him call them off before they got a chance to start. But it was fine. He would respect his boundaries too.

“You’re fine Jan. I’m just-” Patton sighed and looked down the street to his block - “I’ve been doing better.”

“Mhm?” Janus mused with raised eyebrows.

Patton shuffled to his feet and looked once more up the street. He probably should get back. The others had been doing too much anyway. He shouldn’t make them work for him so much.

“I should get going. Maybe I can give the others a helping hand or something. Yeah, uh, it’s been nice to talk with you, but I don’t wanna keep you outside. It’s getting late and you must be cold Virgil, so-”

“Patton.”

Patton grew quiet and looked down at Janus. He hated how hard it was to get a good read on him. Usually, Patton just knew what was going on in someone else’s mind but with Janus, he simply couldn’t tell. Something kept him from looking through those dark eyes and vigilant smirk.

“Who do you have over and with what are they helping you, if I might ask?"

Hastily he went through his options. He didn’t know if he could tell Janus and Virgil what was going on. Not because he didn’t want them to know. He probably couldn’t get through the explanation without crying, and he didn’t feel like crying anymore. But he also didn’t want to leave them hanging. Maybe he could hint at it well enough, so they understood but he didn’t have to cry? That might be worth a shot.

“Uh,” Patton started smartly, “Lo and the twins are – They came over. Logan was probably worried and got them, I think? I didn’t really ask. And then they found me and-”

Patton stopped and inspected the glow of his cigarette. That with not crying didn’t work out. At least he wasn’t sobbing, he thought and rubbed the tears off his cheeks. Janus had moved his arm to his right shoulder and Virgil was fidgeting. He needed to get through this quickly, so they could leave.

“I kinda neglected my flat lately because my mother’s death anniversary is today, and I got in a funk. They’re helping now with cleaning. So, I better get back to help them.”

As he looked up uncle and nephew watched him in distress. This time Patton could really see the family resemblance in their eyes and tried to step away. Janus held onto him opened his mouth but closed it speechlessly. If Patton hadn’t known better, he would have claimed to see unshed tears in the corner of Janus’s eyes.

“Oh fuck, Pat,” Virgil dismayed and shook his head. “I’m so fucking sorry for your loss. Like. Oh, man. That must suck so hard. I – Shit I wouldn’t know what to do if mom or dad would be gone. Like. Fuck. Man. I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you. It’s not your fault though. It’s been ten years and-”

“Ten years?! Patton! What have you been doing on your own on her anniversary?” Janus said and shook his head in deep concern.

Baffled Patton looked at him. Janus took this as an invitation to manhandle him and took Patton by the hand and ushered him and Virgil back to Patton’s block.

“In the name of the Lord, doesn’t anybody around here understand how to take care of themselves? Morons through and through! I have to do everything myself,” he grumbled under his breath and pulled Patton into the entrance out of the rain.

He gave him a stern look before he softened slightly and gently rubbed his arm. Patton looked so lost at him. So confused.

“Do not shut us out, Patton. You were the one to insist on including me and the twins. Don’t you dare to make yourself a stranger in our midst,” Janus scolded gently and let Patton settle on the second-lowest step of the stairs.

Patton’s lips wobbled and he blurted out: “My dad couldn’t come because of work, and I called Sergio, even though I don’t think I like him anymore and he left when I wouldn’t- wouldn’t-”

And there were again sobs. Janus told Virgil to go upstairs. He would handle Patton on his own; the others would most likely overwhelm him. So, Virgil left, and Janus slowly made his way next to Patton and sat down on the step beside him. He paced his hand on his back and just rubbed it silently.

For a while Janus just let Patton cry and calm down. Now that he knew what had happened, he noted the redness around his eyes and the puffy skin. The man must have bawled his eyes out from all the grief.

“You’re doing pretty good, Pat. I think I’ll be a much bigger mess after my mother’s death,” Janus said quietly.

A sad laugh tumbled out of Patton’s mouth, and he told Janus while shaking his head: “I was much, much worse after her death than I am now, Janus. And I wouldn’t let you fall like that. None of us would.”

Janus rose his brows in question. Dodging the look, Patton turned his head away and let one of his hands fall on top of his thighs. After a moment, the movement registered in Janus’s head and he stared at the hand with a frown. It connected. Janus’s heart grew heavy, and he sucked in a deep breath. He remembered the marks and pulled his hand away from Patton’s back.

A minute or two passed. The rain splattered on the concrete. Janus shivered quietly but didn’t make a move to get up and go back inside. He just stayed beside Patton quietly offering him his presence as a comfort. He didn’t know if it was any good, but it was all that he could offer.

“Who knows besides me?”

“Remus knows. I didn’t tell Logan but I’m sure that he’s figured it out as well at this point.”

“You never told Logan?”

There was surprise in Janus’s voice. Patton ignored it and took another puff.

“No, I didn’t need to,” he said and exhaled the smoke away from Janus. “When we met again, he knew that something must have happened. I didn’t want to explain it really.”

“And I knew that something had happened with him too, so we were even,” Patton added in thought but didn’t move.

“I also never told you. But you know. I probably should think better about who I sleep with. I don’t need all of these people to know that I cut. It’s rather idiotic, isn’t it?”

The rain muffled the harshness of his words. Janus mused at the gentle sounds of the droplets.

“I don’t think so. What you wish is understandable. I do believe that one shouldn’t have to stop doing the things one loves, because of any mental or physical afflictions. There shouldn’t be any prejudices around these things,” Janus said slowly, tapping his left knee softly. “But there are. And some of us hide because they can, want or have to. Others can’t. We aren’t built the same way, our pain isn’t the same, our suffering incomparable.”

A long pause sat between the two of them. The rain did nothing to fill the empty space.

“I won’t blame you if you want to hide. I would if I could.”

“I’m-”

“Don’t dare to apologize. I don’t want your pity. I will take accommodations and thoughtfulness, but I will not take pity.”

Patton was quiet. He gulped and then looked at Janus. To his surprise, he met his gaze. There wasn’t any leftover agitation in his eyes anymore but something deeper and far more subtle. Not too subtle to understand, no Patton could read it flawlessly, but subtle enough to be overlooked in the shadows of the night.

“The difference between pity and compassion is a thin line, Janus,” Patton said with a tired grin and slipped his jacket off. “And while pity sounds pathetic and sometimes is used to take away the agency of the “victims”, it also acknowledges that something shouldn’t have happened to a person. Compassion is there without judgement and with the will to help and yet- Sometimes I think that pity is not the wrong thing to feel.”

He put his jacket over Janus’s shoulder and met his eyes again. They were still there, the doubt and sadness Janus guarded every day as if his life depended on it. It was there in the open, free for Patton to look at and easy to hurt. The Janus Jones from two years ago wouldn’t have shown so much if his life had depended on it.

Nonchalantly Patton tilted his head and added softly: “I won’t pity you if you don’t feel like you need it. But I will say that it would be nice for you to be able to hide it as well as I could. Not that you should hide it, but that you should be able to hide it. It would be fair.”

“Nothing is fair in life.”

“No, nothing is. Maybe that’s a fairness in itself. Who knows?”

“Indeed, who does.”

They sat there a little longer, Patton smoking his cigarette and Janus clutching his jacket close over his shoulders and chest. Eventually, Patton’s cigarette was mostly ash, and he pressed the butt out on the concrete next to him. With a huff, he stood up and held his hand out to Janus to take it. Wordlessly, he accepted the help and the two went inside. Patton took the steps slowly and Janus managed to keep pace easily. When they stood in front of Patton’s door on the 3rd floor Patton hesitated for a second before he opened the door to his home and invited Janus inside.

“Hey! I’m back! ‘s Virgil with you?” Patton called and stalked a few more steps inside his flat until he could catch a glimpse of someone.

The lucky someone he saw, was Logan who was carrying his clothing hamper around and was picking up any clothing item in his vicinity. Now that he was listening closely, he heard his washing machine. Laundry. Apparently, the twins and Logan had decided that postponing laundry day for two weeks wouldn’t do.

“Welcome back!” Roman greeted as he appeared in the doorway from the living room with a wide wave. “Virgil’s in the kitchen cleaning your oven. I told him that he didn’t need to but- Oh, love! Are you cold? And you don’t look warm either, Patton! Remus!”

And with that Patton was instructed to take off his shoes and got gently coerced by Remus, who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, to sit down on his couch. Janus suffered the same fate and was sat down next to him by Roman who then softly informed Patton what they had been up to, as Remus went into the kitchen to make some tea.

“Thanks for everything, guys. You really didn’t have to do that,” Patton said as Roman took a pause to breathe.

Remus and Virgil appeared from the kitchen, the former bringing them all tea and the latter sitting down next to his uncle.

“It’s the least we can do,” Remus insisted and sat down criss-cross on the floor.

Roman and Logan, who had followed Patton and Janus when they entered, nodded in agreement and Patton didn’t disagree with them. It wasn’t worth the hustle and they didn’t seem to be inconvenienced too much.

“Do you want a blanket, Jan? I’m sure I have one somewhere-”

“Here,” Logan said and handed Janus a blanket he had gotten out of the supply closet next to the bookcase.

Janus took it with a hesitant look and settled it down over his knees. Politely he nodded at Logan, who nodded back, crossed his arms over his chest and took a few steps back. They both turned to look at Patton. All of them were looking at him. Watching as he looked at his shaking hands with a sad smile. He didn’t try to hide his turmoil and grief now. It was there, vivid and heavy in his chest, buzz clouding all the sounds in his head.

Virgil was the first to avert his gaze from Patton and quietly leaned against Janus’s shoulder. Immediately, Janus put his arm around him and turned his head slightly to glance at him. They didn’t share a look. Janus didn’t need to see his nephew’s eyes to know how well or unwell he was. He could tell by the way he was leaning against him, that this was harder on him than he wanted to admit.

Gently he shot a look over to Roman. Surprisingly he was watching Logan with obvious dissatisfaction. Something must have happened to warrant such a displeased look from his love; Roman could pout and be a little petty but he didn’t hold grudges for too long. He would have to ask Roman about it in a calmer moment.

Though now, Roman’s expression softened, and he sat down on Patton's other side of the couch. As the cushion underneath Patton sank, he looked up to Roman and swallowed another cry.

“Somehow, I get the feeling that I’m not helping to calm you down right now, am I?"

“Sorry,” Patton mumbled and fumbled to push his glasses on top of his head. “I don’t even know what this is about... It’s – I’ve – I’ve had people around when I was having a bad time. I don’t know why it’s this bad now. Her anniversary isn’t even the worst usually – I – I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Missing people always make sense in my opinion. They were important to you at some point, and you can’t control your feelings about that. You only can learn to deal with your own reactions and even that can be limited on some days,” Roman said easily and shrugged.

The words stuck in Patton’s throat. There was this act of blind and unconditional kindness, not out of naivety but there despite knowing better. Gentleness despite being treated oh so cruelly by the world. He didn’t know what to do with that. He didn’t know what to do with the softness his mother used to offer to anyone around her who would ask for it.

Eventually he didn’t have to. Holidays In The Sun began to play. Shaking Patton fished his phone out of his shorts and hastily got up from the couch.

“Sorry,” Patton said already sounding watery again, “I have to take this. Uh, I’ll be back in a bit.”

With that Patton stood and hasted to his bedroom. Before he closed the door behind him, they heard him accept the call and mutter a weak "Hi dad" into the phone before everything went quiet.

At least momentarily. Logan shifted on his feet and a disgruntled sigh cut through the silence.

“Okay, what exactly did he do?” Janus finally asked Roman.

Disapprovingly Roman clacked his tongue. He didn’t break his glare at Logan who finally found the courage to meet his eyes.

Icily Roman said: “Well, you fucked up. Fucking bummer, isn’t it?”

“Roman-” Remus immediately tried to soothe but Roman kept going.

“Feel bad about it all you like but stop fucking sulking about it now. Mistakes are gonna happen and we’re gonna say stupid things and something shit can’t be bent back. Doesn’t mean you get to fucking give up now, though. Get your head out of your ass and talk to him!”

“About what?!” Logan hissed and defensively crossed his arms over his chest. “I obviously only caused him distress so far! I don’t know how to navigate his emotions and loss, as you have evidently seen!”

Roman threw his hands up in the air and pressed his lips into a thin line.

“Maybe not,” Roman relented without any sign of remorse, “but you know are the only person in this room who actually knew his mother.”

“What has that to do with anything?!”

“It has to do with everything! He misses her, he wants to feel connected with her. But he doesn’t say anything because we didn’t know her, because we won’t get it when he speaks of her. But you do! You’ve met him when his mother was still alive, did you not? So you can bring her up, anything about her and he’ll feel safe enough to bring her up and talk about whatever he needs.”

Scoffing Logan turned away from Roman. He couldn’t believe this.

“I’ve met Esther twice. I talked to her once. To say I know her is slander.”

Before Roman could shoot back, Logan turned around and flared up with a still level tone.

“I do not know what she was to him. I will never understand what importance his mother had to him, Roman. And I understand that no one will, but just because I have seen her when she was still alive, doesn’t mean I am better at this than you are. I am not an empathic person, I’m not good at comforting. I think I’ve done enough damage today and I would like to not make it worse.”

Without looking back Logan turned away from the other men. He couldn’t do this. He better had left all the talking to Roman or Remus. Either of them could have handled this situation better than he had. Or maybe he shouldn’t have meddled with it at all. Maybe Patton would have been better off alone.

Without thinking more about it, Logan stepped away. It was rude to just leave, certainly, but just a little more wouldn’t matter all that much anyway. He didn’t listen to Remus’s snapping at Roman or Virgil’s confused questions, he only had the door in mind.

A whirlwind of a neon green floral shirt stepped in front of him. Almost Logan snapped at him but stopped instantly as he saw the sadness and concern reflected in his eyes. His voice stuck in his throat and Remus awkwardly reached for his hand. He didn’t think and gave it to him.

“Her name was Esther?”

Logan suspected that Remus was trying to whisper but he had at best lowered his speaking voice a little. Still, the implied secrecy Remus tried to grant him meant more to Logan than he had expected.

He simply nodded and Remus weakly said: “He didn’t tell me. He’s mentioned her and said how amazing she was and that it, it obviously fucked him up when she died, and what he did because of it...”

Logan gulped. He looked over Remus’s shoulder to the other three. Virgil and Roman were arguing and Janus was eyeing him out of the corner of his eyes. He didn’t know how he felt about that. He focused back on Remus and met his eyes hesitantly.

“What are you insinuating? He didn’t share these things with me,” Logan retorted slowly.

Remus hinted a nod and said: “Exactly. He didn’t need to. Because he knew you knew.”

“But I don’t? He never told me, I just had to assume those things.”

“Well, he’s got a high opinion of you. He seems to believe that you just realized these things by having spent time with him. And he probably isn’t all wrong.”

“Nor is he right,” Logan huffed and ran his fingers through his hair.

A crooked smile spread on Remus’s lips, and he agreed: “Exactly, bicho. And right now, you’re the only one with enough balls to tell him that.”

“What?”

Remus broke eye contact and stared towards the door where Patton had disappeared. Logan could see the fondness and sorrow in his eyes.

“Pat is … difficult,” Remus began and wrung his hands together. “At first, I thought he just needed a gentle hand. Something like how Roman talks and how he interacts with him, I mean. And I think he does still. But he’s also not a child. We can’t handle him with kid gloves. We need him to realize what he’s doing. To himself and others. And you very effectively made him realize what he was actually doing. Sure, he started crying and shit but- Bones which grew back together wrong, need to be re-broken to be set right, after all.”

Logan gaped. He couldn’t be serious. He schooled his face back into a neutral expression and waited for Remus to meet his gaze again. When he didn’t say anything, Remus finally turned to look at him and Logan lifted his chin defiantly.

“I’m not here to break Patton. I’m not here to do the dirty work for him or you. I will not be the voice of reason just because none of you has figuratively enough balls to be frank and honest with him.”

“That’s not what I mean. I’m not saying you should-”

“Yes, Remus! This is exactly what you’re saying!” Logan hissed under his breath and grabbed him by the sleeve. “You are saying that he hasn’t correctly coped with the death of his mother and that I am supposed to help him do that! That I’m the fittest person in this room to do it because I have a lack of filter and emotional integrity. At least that is what you implied. And I’m not here for this. I’m not here to hurt my friend, my very dear friend, even more by making him face the reality that his grief and sadness have made him act stupidly and egoistically. I’m not here to tell him that on the day he lost the mother who made it possible for him to grow up safely as a gay boy and teen. I don’t want to see him cry anymore because of me because it hurts me too and I frankly don’t know what else I can take today.”

Quickly Logan pulled his hand away from Remus’s sleeve and took a step towards the door without looking away from him. His cheeks were flushed and his heartbeat fast. The others were now silent, and he felt like he had humiliated himself.

Then he got a glimpse of Janus’s unimpressed look. Those collected and expecting eyes, devoid of shock and disbelieve unlike those of the others. Filled with spite Logan took a deep breath and met Remus’s eyes again.

“As it now has become obvious,” Logan said and made a point to keep his voice even, “I have reached my daily limit of emotional sensibility. I apologize for being unnecessarily mean. That was unwarranted and rather pointless to my get my point across. Still, I will now leave and let you handle the situation, as you have objectively handled the situation quite skilfully. I trust you with his well-being. Good night.”

And with that Logan finally turned to leave. Someone behind him gaped but he didn’t care to look back. He simply walked to the door, picked his shoes up from the shoe racket and put them on. He was about to tie his right shoe when he noticed the sound of steps approaching him from behind. Slowly he turned his head to look over his shoulder.

First, he saw the pink slippers. Then his eyes darted up to his friend's face and he found himself looking into Patton’s big brown eyes. They were red again, but he wasn’t crying right now. No, he was just looking at Logan and Logan felt his heart sink.

“How much have you heard?” Logan asked shakily.

Patton cocked his head to the side and answered with a wobbly smile: “Enough.”

With a sigh, Logan got up and faced Patton with as much dignity he had left. He didn’t know how he should approach this and waited for his brain to finally give him some coherent thought again, as Patton stretched his arms out.

“Do I get a goodbye hug?”

Logan couldn’t utter a word. So, he didn’t. He nodded and made half a step towards Patton who already closed the rest of the distance and embraced him in a bear hug. Logan couldn’t breathe for a second. For one was that hug a little overwhelming and secondly Patton used enough force to slightly smother him. But after a few seconds, the force ebbed away, and Logan did his best to hug him back. Patton was hunched into him, his head buried against his neck and shoulder, the frames of their glasses clacked together when Logan tried to turn his head towards him. Quietly he mumbled an apology, which Patton immediately dismissed.

Logan was certain that a minute had already passed but didn’t dare to move. Usually, Patton wouldn’t hug him that long and right now he wasn’t sure how he had deserved that hug at all. The answer became clear to him when Patton almost inaudibly whispered into his ear: “I’m your dear friend?”

It cost everything in Logan’s body to not bite off his own tongue as he heard that. Instinctively he tried to hold Patton closer, squeezing him just enough so he would know that he was far more than a “dear friend” to him. Really, to all of them.

“I would have said “best”, but I wasn’t sure I deserved that title after my unfit behaviour today,” Logan whispered back just as quietly.

For a frightful second Logan thought he had said the wrong thing, as Patton began to tremble. Then a few relieved “Thank you”s were mumbled into his shirt and for the first time in the whole evening Logan felt himself relax a little. Patton was still happy to be his friend. Maybe he was mad, they probably needed to talk about this at some point, actually talk about it instead of just assuming the other knew what was up with the other but for now it was enough for him to know that Patton didn’t hate him and got enjoyment out of his presence.

In their hug the two forgot that there were still four other people in the room who now all were very much aware that they were still in the room. Awkwardly Virgil looked from Roman to Janus, neither of whom knew how to get out of here without disturbing Patton and Logan. Roman additionally was also worried about Remus, who still stood pretty close by them and hadn’t moved an inch since the moment Logan had bid them bitterly goodbye. The lack of a reaction was starting to truly unnerve him when Patton began to shake, and Remus still didn’t do anything. That reaction should have been enough for him to do something, but Remus kept just standing still.

After almost a minute, Remus suddenly flinched. Uncoordinated he took a step back and promptly walked into a few cardboard boxes behind him. Unceremoniously they fell with unspectacular “thuds” and Remus swore in Spanish.

Logan squeaked and Patton spun around to see what happened, Remus already raised his hands apologetically and tried to pick the boxes back up.

“Sorry! I-” Remus stammered and ran his fingers through his hair as the boxes slipped through his fingers - “I didn’t mean to interrupt. Just - Just ignore that and continue or something. Sor-”

Remus’s body froze. Wordlessly he stared at Patton’s hand on his. He hadn’t noticed that Patton had gotten closer nor that he had reached for him, and now he felt like the world was standing still while his thoughts ran a marathon.

“Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?” Patton asked and looked over his arms and then the rest of his body.

Remus weakly shook his head, which finally made Patton lock eyes with him. Gently he let his hand fall into Remus’s, softly squeezing it in his grip. Instinctively, Remus squeezed back, and Patton’s shoulders fell with tension. He stepped a bit closer to him and gently laid his hand on his shoulder. He tilted his head a bit to the side and pressed his lips into a thin line.

“Thank you so much,” Patton said quietly but loud enough so Remus could still hear it. “I’m so grateful that you were here today. That you took care of me today. It helped me a lot. I’ll make it up to you on another day, I promise.”

With a slow nod Remus accepted. It was easier than fighting with Patton that he didn’t need to make it up to him. That him saving his life made up everything Remus could ever do for Patton.

Patton smiled at last at Remus and then turned once more to Logan. His eyes were filled with gratitude he scratched his nose before he said to him: “And the same goes for you. Thank you for coming by and checking on me and worrying. I know this isn’t easy and I appreciate it very much that you took on that effort for me. I’ll make sure to repay you for it one day. Promise.”

Quickly Logan glanced over Patton’s shoulder to Remus. In the fraction of a second, his eyes darted back on Patton and he bowed his head in acception. He understood that this meant a lot to Patton and he was not up to debating him on it. Not after this evening.

Visibly worn out Patton now decided it was time to address his other guests. He turned but paused, looking around himself, looking for where he stood right now. In his half-cleaned living room, between different piles of yet-to-be-sorted knick-knacks, several trash bags in the kitchen and a few boxes with things to be sorted out by Patton himself, his life seemed to be slipping out of his control. Again. He had hoped that he was through this. That this time he wouldn’t fall back into old patterns and that he would finally be able to get his life together like an adult he was and get over this.

Maybe he needed to accept that he couldn’t do it like he was supposed to. Maybe he needed to do it so it would work out for himself.

“Thank you all too for your help today,” Patton said sheepishly and looked then at one of the piles to his feet. “But it’s been a lot today and I - I think finishing this tonight is not going to get me in a better headspace.”

“We can help-” Roman began but stopped when Patton lifted his hand gently.

“I know. I know you do and you want to do that and all of that. But right now, I’d appreciate it much more if we could maybe just sit and watch a movie so I’m not alone quite yet. Of course, you can go home and get to sleep and all. I just appreciate your presence and if you can I’d like to have you here a little longer.”

It didn’t take more than that. They quietly freed a few paths in the living room so getting around was easily possible and Virgil got Patton’s laptop (Patton didn’t have an HDMI cable to connect the laptop to his tv so they made do with the small screen) where they streamed Dirty Dancing on a not quite legal streaming website.

Somehow they all managed to sit on the couch, Logan on the far right, beside him Patton who was flanked by Remus. Roman sat between his brother and Janus and Virgil sat on the most left armrest as the movie began to play. They were all partially covered in blankets and not even halfway into the movie Roman had fallen asleep and cuddled against Janus, who was now efficiently trapped in his spot. Seeing this Remus opened his mouth to joke about it, as Patton’s head fell against his shoulder.

Big-eyed he turned to see Patton’s sleeping form against his side. Virgil snickered and Logan quietly reassured him that that happens whenever they watched a movie together. He would wake up just in time for the finale. This time ended up being no different and after the movie ended and they had somehow managed to get Roman to wake up with much strain, they all bid Patton a good night and went home.

It wasn’t midnight yet, when Patton lay in his bed, wished his dad a good night over text and fell asleep for good for today.

___

@vexelore

@exhaustedfander

@alexisrealgay

@wolfs-feder

@just-a-neoclassical-painting

@winter-jay-official

@a-ghostlight-for-roman

@mychemically-imbalanced-romance

@whattheremus

@regalredrose

@spellingwillbethedeathofme

@sarenicide

LoCA

@arodynamic-enby

@espepspes

@bullet-tothefeels

@fukindork

@shadeofadye

@magic-but-its-green

@simonekkt

@tlhrfanfic

#Life on Crow Avenue #sandres sides #ts logan #ts patton #ts janus #ts remus #ts roman #ts virgil #romantic roceit #patton is having a rought time #be nice to him #and to me #eir writes #please reblog

22 notes · View notes

prince-rowan-of-the-forest · 5 months

Note

Saw you had writing prompts up and thought I’d send in something that brain conjured up in the early hours of dawn

“What if I want them to kill me? What if I want them to try? What if I want to see them realize that as much as I and others have tried. They…We can’t?’

d’know if this was what you meant by prompts but enjoy a depressed God?

More Than Human

----

At his very core, Janus was human.

One might say he was more than human, being a God, but being more than something doesn’t take away from that something, it just adds onto it.

----

| Ao3 | Next Part |

Warnings: implied/referenced suicide attempts, touch starvation, depression (with a somewhat positive ending)

Pairings: platonic roceit, though could be perceived as romantic if you so wished.

Word count: 1601

Notes: If I had a nickel for every time I wrote a fic with Mortal!Roman and a god!side I'd have two - (gets killed)

I really needed this lmao so tysm for the prompt! I've been really struggling with writing inspiration recently so this was really great!

It's been so long since I posted something new - it feels so good lmao. I left it fairly open ended so I could write more if anyone wanted it <3 just send an ask!! I'm always down for prompts :)

----

Janus was, first and foremost, a God

To be precise, he was the God of deception, trickery. In some communities he was the Guardian of all Evil, in others he was a representation of temptation, sin, all that was wrong with the world.

At his very core, Janus was human.

One might say he was more than human, being a God, but being more than something doesn’t take away from that something, it just adds onto it.

Janus was still human, deep down, he always would be, no matter how many layers were added - immortality, reality bending powers, worshippers, temples - he couldn’t bury the human parts. Though he tried, he wasn’t indifferent. No matter what he did the harsh words still stung when they tore at him, the hatred many felt towards him sat heavy in his chest, loneliness clawed at him like a starving animal - and he was their prey. As it had been for years.

He had been naive, a thousand years ago, to become a God. But they’d needed someone to shoulder the burden of the world's evils. They needed someone to shield them from the terrors, they needed someone who could face the lies and treachery and not be torn down by them. He had been foolish then, just a boy who was different, a boy who wanted to help.

There was no way out, either. Janus had tried his best, he’d begged the universe, he’d searched. He’d tried to cut himself off from the world but that had only made the lonely, empty feeling in his chest worse, he’d tried to end it all, when he had no options left, but that hadn’t worked either.

You couldn’t kill a God, after all. He wasn’t the only one who tried.

—-

“You’re not going to defend yourself?” Said the knight, dressed in shining silver armour, a red cloak fastened at the shoulder flowing behind him, a confident expression turning to confusion. The challenger stood before him in his temple, shining sword drawn and pointed at Janus’ chest where he sat on his uncomfortable, stone throne.

“No,” He answered simply.

“You’ll just… let me kill you?” He said, faltering, the only movement was his fiery red hair in the wind.

Janus leaned on his elbow and didn’t say anything. The knight lowered his sword just a little.

“Armies will try - if I fail,” The knight said, widening his arms in a gesture, “More people will come, try to kill you, why just allow it?”

“Maybe I want them to kill me,” Janus said softly, not quite looking at the knight, “What if I want you, them, everyone to try? What if I want to see them realise that as much as I and others have tried. They…We can’t?’”

The knight stared at the God before him, eyes widening as he realised, “You… whyever would you want to die?”

Once again, Janus said nothing. The knight sheathed his sword and Janus sighed softly. He supposed today wouldn’t be the day.

With the soft clanking of the knight’s heavy armour, he stepped forward, slowly approaching Janus’ throne as though he was prepared to be attacked. Even if he never went to draw his sword again, Janus could see the fear growing in his eyes with every step as he got closer. Janus didn’t move.

“Why do you want to die, Janus: God of Deceit, guardian of Evil,” the Knight asked, now standing over him. How interesting, Janus thought, that a mortal would have the courage to do such a thing. Many Gods would have felt that something of the sort was an act of disrespect, possibly even choosing to smite down the mortal who dared to do such a thing, Janus found he didn’t have the energy to care. Instead he just smiled softly - at least this made his life just a little more interesting, even if it did nothing to lessen the emptiness in his chest.

He sighed, he’s certain the knight would listen if he turned him away, but Janus had yearned for someone to talk to for hundreds of years. This knight would leave soon anyway and Janus would never see him again, what did it matter.

“Tell me your name,” Janus said, the Knight tilted his head and frowned, “Tell me your name, first, and I’ll answer your question.”

After a long, thoughtful pause, the knight sighed, “My name is Roman - Sir Roman Greenheart.”

“A lovely name,” Janus said softly, Roman smiled tentatively, “Now- your question… Why do I want to die? The answer is that living is painful.”

“Oh…” Roman said softly, “I would have thought a God would have an easy life.”

“Easy and painless are not the same,” Janus says softly, “People try to kill me on a monthly basis, Roman, and that’s barely scratching the surface.”

The pair were silent for a moment, before Roman gestured to the floor by Janus’ feet, “May I sit down?” He asked.

“You may,” Janus said. With permission, Roman folded to sit cross legged by Janus’ feet. He wondered silently why Roman’s attitude had changed so abruptly - minutes ago he’d been prepared to attempt to kill him. He wouldn’t ask though, instead simply ignoring him, resting his elbow on the uncomfortable arm of the throne and resting his chin atop his fist.

Minutes spent in silence later, Roman must have shifted, because Janus felt his shoulder brush against his leg, sending a jolt of warmth through him, strong enough to make his gasp. He hoped Roman wouldn’t notice, but as the knight turned to look at him, he knew he wasn’t so lucky.

“What was that?” Roman asked, frowning up at him - though the look seemed to be one of concern, Janus couldn’t be certain.

“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about,” Janus said, making a point to look forward instead of down at Roman. Unfortunately that left him unprepared for Roman laying his hand atop Janus’ knee. His whole leg jolted as he flinched away in surprise at the way the touch burned.

“What are you doing to me,” Janus hissed, trying to sound menacing though he was fairly certain his fear and confusion were showing through his facade.

Roman simply frowned, “How… How long has it been since someone touched you?”

For a moment, Janus couldn’t think of an answer because when he thought about it, Janus couldn’t remember the last time he’d been touched by another person outside of combat. His silence seemed to be enough of an answer for Roman.

“I didn’t know Gods could be touch starved,” Roman said softly. Janus’ frown deepened.

“Will you stop being vague and let me in on whatever odd breakthrough you’re having?” He asked, voice tired but still a little snappish, Roman jumped.

“Oh- um…” he sighed, “I believe you might be touch starved.”

“...Meaning?” Janus asked, frowning down at the knight with a raised eyebrow.

“You’ve gone too long without touch,” Roman said, sighing, “So you aren’t used to it - people need touch to be happy.”

“I am not a person.” Janus pointed out, frowning, he wasn’t even sure why Roman was even still here - now he was telling him he had this strange sickness of some kind? Who did he think he was?

“You don’t have to be a human to be a person,” Roman pointed out, voice irritatingly soft.

Janus narrowed his eyes, “Why are you still here?”

“Why haven’t you told me to leave?” Roman challenged, Janus blinked. People didn’t usually stand up to him - well, not after trying and failing to kill him, anyway. They usually ran in fear after that - that’s how it always went.

Roman held his gaze for a long, quiet moment, before Janus sighed.

“I don’t know,” he said. Eventually, Roman’s expression became one of pity, maybe concern.

“You…” Roman trailed off, fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve, “Do you have anyone to talk to? Other Gods?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” Janus said, tone growing icy. Roman frowned, but seemed to understand as he stood up.

“Well - I must get back to my village duties,” He said with a small smile, confusing Janus greatly - though he tried not to show it. Why on earth was he smiling?

“Good,” Janus said sharply, “Leave me be with your prying questions and annoying presence.”

Chuckling, the knight turned away, though the glint in his eyes certainly worried Janus - if only a little, though he tried immediately to get the sight out of his mind, “I will return here in a week's time - for no reason - perhaps I’ll bring some cookies.”

Janus frowned as he watched him leave. Was this mortal trying to tempt him, a God, to return to his own temple, with the promise of cookies? He said nothing as Roman walked away and continued to sit there once the knight was out of sight over the crest of the hill. Janus thought he shouldn’t come back next week - as the mortal was clearly inviting him to - but he wanted to. He really wanted to and Janus wasn’t one to deny himself what he wants despite having not wanted much other than death for the last few hundred years.

Despite that, and despite his harshness towards Sir Roman, he still wanted to see the strange mortal again.

So for the first time he actually kept track of the passing days and a week later he returned to that temple. For the first time he appeared before a knight without hoping that it would be the last time he did so.

----

Tags: @full-of-roman-angst-trash @your-local-random-dino @cutebisexualmess @glacierruler @roseianxiety @bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti (if anyone wants to be added, let me know!)

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #janus sanders #ts janus #roceit #(platonic or romantic its your choice lol)#roman sanders #ts roman #fanfic #fanfiction #rowans writings

20 notes · View notes