#im GOING to get out of this shitty job and im GOING to get better or die trying

[peachesofteal]

RAAAAAAAAH CHAPTER 13 BRO!!!!!

as always, i read it like a rabid animal, and then reread the prev 4 chapters and then reread this again HAHA

your work ages like fine wine, and i read and treasure every word of it, especially on rereads when i can make myself slow down to really take it all in <3

"He takes it all away. Every time." made me WEEP!!!!! its what she DESERVES!!!! the dependability and the escape into him and simon (simon takes charge obvs, but johnny is just as much an outlet. sweet sweet boy)

i think he also realizes that she's seeing it as escapism and starts to fall away a bit, bc of how he stops her and asks to check in. it makes me curious abt his and simon's early relationship, if he's recognizing the same pattern of behavior and comparing them.

going on with that, when she was showing them her scars, AUUUUUUGH. that hit so hard man. the “No but… they’re hideous.”

“No.” Simon croaks, voice thick. “There isn’t a single part of you that isn’t perfect.”

SIMOOOOOOOON he sees so much of himself in her. its gotta be heartbreaking, knowing she's where he used to be. he gets it fr. i cant imagine two people more suited for her, someone who's been where she is and got out, and the person who's helped get that someone out of that pit. fuck dude. you're so good at this HAHAHA

im not gonna say nothin abt the good girl stuff…. but heehee!

also also "I'm not a little human nurse" made me laugh so hard LMAO pure arizona from grey's. ive been watching it lately (started right before you started posting simple math actually) reading the hospital bits of SM, you do a really good job of capturing the same energy and stakes and work dynamics that you get watching grey's. im honestly still waiting for the other shoe to drop on the stupid attending marshall, there's always something that a shitty attending can mess up down the road lmao

the ending on this chap killed me though. they knew she was flighty, and that she's smart and capable, but its gotta be so hard to get the relief of her coming back after the day out without answering the phone, only to find the papers the next morning. in bunny's defense though, she mentioned in chapters before moving in (i think before graves hurt her?) with them that she had to start looking at outs, and these papers aren't a 2-day turnaround; she probably bought them weeks ago and only now picked them up. i could be wrong though! i think its unfortunate timing, but she also probably just wants the relief knowing that she's got the backup plan accessible. as much as she loves the boys and penny, she's still not used to having the dependability. the safety scares her, or at least gives her the idea of a false sense of security, since she's been on edge for so so long.

i give her big smooch. poor bun. poor boys, and poor penny. manifesting the worst for graves, truly, rot in hell you idiot american

i hope you're feeling better, its lovely to read your works but even better when you're doing well yourself ❤️❤️❤️

I loved reading this! I adore you.

I love how you noticed that Johnny does stop to check in. He has a very firm grip on her mental and emotional state, (it’s not his first rodeo) and he knows just how to bring her back.

The two of them + Bunny is really a dream come true even if she doesn’t realize it yet (they do) and it will take a lot of time and work on everyone’s part.

I think your notes in your last paragraph are pretty spot on, too. Bunny will talk about it more in the next two chapters but- getting a new identity is not a two day turnaround.

Also yeah, I was channeling Arizona with that line 💀 I was hoping someone would catch it!

10/10 I love your breakdowns, no notes, perfection, they always make me smile.

#peaches asks #frogladder

[avpdpossum]

an unstoppable force (my moral objection to working in a psychiatric setting because i know the abuse that so often takes place there and i can’t stand the idea of ever participating in or benefiting from something that treats people that way) meets an immovable object (i made the mistake of being a psych major years ago so now those are the most common jobs in my area that i’m actually qualified for and i need money so bad if i want to get out of the hell house i live in anytime soon)

#i have an interview today and i feel so guilty for even applying #but FUCK i need money #i just need to move out of my shitty transphobic neglectful parents’ house #and then i’ll be closer to jobs that i don’t despise the idea of doing #im going to keep applying and looking for better shit but i hate that i might have to do that for any amount of time #but honestly i don’t know if there’s really even anything else for me to find atm #i WILL quit on the spot if they ask me directly to do some fucked up shit tho #like i’ll suck up being in that setting temporarily so i can get out but i will not actively participate #god i hate it here #going back in time to tell my past self that being a psych major is such a bad idea and i’ll just come to hate the field #poss.speaks #vent #personal #anti psychiatry #psychiatry critical #not avpd

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!! #i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17? #ive had a good well paying job since i was 18. #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here. #i might never have this kind of job security again. #but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible? #but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey! #if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

[xamaxenta]

!!!

#i want to draw more marco ace and sabo!!! #i should doodle them everyday #30 min warm up ten mins each and just get the vibe #aaaa i wannaaaaa do so much art but im nerfed by time eten bc shitty job #i wanna go part time sob #even just one extra day off 🥺 #i can absolutely feel im at another plateau crossroad w my art #i need to ride it out #not stagnation pr block just me seeing it ans going oh i can do better #and i want to

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload? #me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃 #listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary. #like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

[potpiehead]

ive been more depressed lately

#if you cant tell #during the summer i had some zest for life and felt actually happy lol but with the turn of the season it just disappeared.. so annoying lo #i keep having thoughts that boil down to "id be happier if i were happier' like lol #i know that spending time with my friends and family; always having something going on; engagine with my interests and keeping myself busy #all make me feel good and i think those things came easier over the summer #when im doing something of interest i just feel this whole world open up and everything feels lighthearted and easy and then when i fall ou #of those habits and start doing less everythig just feels dark #the depression i have now is 100x better than the depression i had as a teenager though. i didnt have the life experience to know that #things could be better #it does make me feel good to know that there are things that help #i just feel so mentally weak like there are times when i think of the thing i want to do but the effort it would take is monumental #and it stresses me the fuck out #i applied to a couple of jobs today because i just need a change of fucking scenery and i feel stagnant. #evereythig feels bleak and meaningless but i have moments where i feel everything open up. idk #i have hope for myself lol just that today in particular has been shitty like a concentrated version of the past few months #but i did apply to jobs which is something i was stressing about! and i bought some shit i needed to buy that i kept putting off #i often have so much on my mind and am so overwhlemed i cant even think of getting shit done. this shit is ruining everything #catastrophizing was my specialty in early high school ive been here before its just that being a young adult is a new frontier. #and i feel like ive been sitting in one place not moving even though i have been doing things i need to CHANGE things #i have moments of strength but i know that overall im struggling. #anyway thanks for reading. i have work tomorrow gn!

[snekdood]

people will be so terminally jealous of you that they’d rather you reexperience your trauma but somehow in a worse way than just let you live your regular happy life as it has been

#sorry i had privilege over you- real or imagined- but it is what it is #and taking it out on me instead of oh idk. the polticians who are to blame for your shitty situation. isnt gonna make your life any better. #i kinda have no control over your life and its actually not my personal job to give you shit #especially since you're a skeevy fuck who cant be honest about your wants needs and intentions and just pretend to be certain ways #so people stay around you and you get the beenfit of community rather than be the real skeevy fuck you are #like damn maybe if you were real i coulda helped you and we didnt have to go through all of this bs of you pretending you like me #just to get shit out of me #you saw how i looked. you saw how i express myself. you saw my confidence. and you did this out of some weird rageful jealousy #and then once you found out how bullied i was. suddenly im nothing. suddenly all the things you envied so deeply that you have to pretend #i dont exist and im not the reason you draw the way you do now. suddenly im nothing. in spite of apparently being the thing that made you #want to draw again anyways. #you really really do value might makes right even if you dont think you do. like if me being bullied is enough for you to decide im nothing #and you gotta go faun after my bullies then like idk what to tell you duder but thats might makes right lmao #how can i go from being *the sun* to you. from being all of your favorite ocs. to being absolutely nothing short of you having some deep #shame about me now that you know all the shit ppl put me through in hs? #i mean aside from all the shit you made up about me- lets put a pin in that right now okay- bc this is the real reason #lets be honest here. #and yet i know. #deep down. you still kinda envy me. because imma be myself no matter what any of yall do #and thats something you cant do ever. rip off your mask.

[dollops-of-delusion]

okay so i got accepted into my top college ed and everyone was really happy and IM really happy i agree but my brain sees an achievement and just thinks of the catastrophes that will follow said achievement so now i'm thinking about how i'm going to be in debilitating, crippling debt and IM NOT EVEN SURE WHAT I WANT TO DO. WHAT IF THE MONEY IS WASTED AND I FAIL (LEISTER)

#and also the stunning lack of faith my dad had in me getting in was really. just. wow. he refused to believe i would get in the whole time #which stings a little ig #but i'm happy!!! but im not??? #but i should be happy!! one of my good friends is also going to that school #every at school td was congratulating me and its a good fucking school to get into #so i'm happy!!! but i'm also worried?? #i feel like i should be happier. and let myself enjoy this triumph over the weekend. but all i want to do is plan. #plan out my next steps figure out how to save myself from overwhelming debt curse my parentals for saving literally nothing for college #and both FINALLY getting raises and better jobs only the year before i started applying to colleges #which good for them but shitty for me considering that it ruined my chances of getting a lot of financial aid when prior to those #very sudden shifts in wages and job qualities we had less that half of the income we're making now #so i dont get any college savings bc they didn't have good enough jobs to save up and i get less financial aid bc their tax returns from #last year make it seem like they're rich or smthn now #and it still stings that my dad's acting like my acceptance was a miracle (which i agree suqran allah first and foremost subhanalah) #but it disregards all the hard work i put into making this happen??? #and the fact that my mom didn't even believe me at first #idfk #i SHOULD be happy. i AM happy. why can't i just let myself be happy for a weekend #tw swearing #swearing tw

[nataliewaitegf]

going 2 get wayyy too personal in the tags have fun if u decide 2 read 👍

#mourning the life i could have lived tonight besties 👍 what if everything had been different #like realistically it isn’t possible . I couldn’t have changed things even if I tried #but what if i didn’t have so many mental illnesses and what if I hadn’t moved here and what if I hadn’t kept dropping out of college #and what if i wasn’t sick #and i hate that term bc sick sounds like something that will get better but I think whatever is up with my body is probably forever #what if I wasn’t me <3 what then . maybe things would’ve been better #it isn’t Possible and it’s not worth thinking about but . so many things could have been different and better #im trying to be grateful for what I have and rmr how lucky I am but like #at the end of the day I’m a girl stuck in bed because everything hurts so bad #no real life goals just a shitty job that I have to go back to in the morning that will keep making my body worse #and ive pushed so many people out of my life for stupid reasons and what if i do it again and have no one left . #god . #okay focusing my mind on a single image now (nostalgia is a liar ex friends are bitches etc) im being NORMAL. #probably going to delete this immediately but who can say 👍 going to rot in bed some more I guess

[hermoglobiini]

.

#this has been such a shitty week and were only on wednesday #my rent will be raised in may w 30 euros #i spairned my back yesterday and everything is pain #and top of everything i just. cant get myself a fucking job #for the last month i have been waiting an answer while constantly exchanging emails from this one place i really really wanted to go #and the ceo there said id really fit there but none of the project managers seem to want to take #me as their apprenctince or whatever i cant come up with a better word #so now i gotta keep looking but ive already sent so many applications and 0 asnwers #i just dont get it what is so incredibly wrong with me that i get no answers #its this same struggle every single spring #im so so so scared i wont have a job this summer #like hello im turning 25 and have had like . one proper summer job since turning 18 #it fucking sucks so fucking bad i just dont get whats wrong with me #am i really that bad at writing applications??? i just dont get it aaaaaaaaa #im so sick of everything i just want a job please give me a job #im so tired of stressing out money everything costs so fucking much and i just know the prices will never lower again #bc we live in a capitalistic hellhole #im disappointed in me and everything and #idk i wish i could sleep for the next 3944 months

[kieranculkingirl]

im so scared that ill never amount to anything i have no plans no ambitions not even a vague idea of who i am or who i wanna be and im so terrified of the future because when i try to picture it i see nothing at all

#i never thought id even get past high school and now that its over its like theres just no clear path to my life #and im scared that ill never find a path and ill just be wondering forever if i couldve had the potential to do something great #but whatever i try never turns out right and its never enough and nothing ever fits #and i know i have to keep trying to get better at things but it feels like ill never be good enough to do anything worthwhile #what if i have to go through my whole life just working my shitty customer service job and surviving day to day instead of living #i just want to live #sorry for the rant. been a while since ive done that on here #but fuck i just dont know who to talk to its not like i have any friends and my family wouldnt get it #and i dont want my partner to have to see me this way and see how aimless my life is when they have so so much potential to change the world #and im just. here #em.txt

[chaos-coming]

Ok ive decided i hate my job (not new) and i hate the dumbass students at my university (also not new. Entire campus chock full with blond dreadlocks and lederhosen), theres no grad student culture here and im too old to be hanging out with bachelor students who dont know anything (the central european university system is trash and also only 3 years) and have seen exactly their 100km of the world (plus or minus that one trip to se asia that umbued in them such insufferable arrogance) and whose definition of activism begins and ends with throwing a solidarity party (where the donations pay first for the cost of buying booze instead of actually going to a cause)...

But i digress (read: lost my train of thought partway through ranting about these provincial snobs). What im trying to say is besides hating my university and most of the idiots in it, i think im just done with the student scene in general like im sick and tired of being at the mercy of the exam schedule, and the peter pan never wanting to face the real world mentality of everybody there. I need to be surrounded by people looking forward not trying depserately to cling to a moment that may already have passed

#torn between trying to finish as fast as possible #and trying to use my student status to do interesting things even though it would push back finding full time employment #i think once i quit my shitty job amd get a better temporary one ill have the patience to wait for things to work out well #got damn i gotta quit #but in the meantime i gotta go now to work a surprise party shift at the bar #but i feel like ass and it was just supposed to be a quiet monday #instead ots a party on the first day back from break #im crying #they even asked me to come in early (paid) but holy fuck i dont want to do this #so im taking dabs fuck it

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I came into work today and nothing, I mean nothing was done. Sauce bottles weren't filled, garbage wasn't taken out, the sink was full of old food, nothing was restocked, nothing was clean. It's ridiculous. I've closed by myself before and I've left the restaurant looking better than this. We shouldn't have to come in and set up the whole restaurant from scratch. I'm so tired. I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm going to finish cleaning up their mess so that my shift can function, and then I'm done. I'm going on Indeed and I'm looking for a new job. I dread coming to work because it's always left so bad. Customers suck, the employees suck, everything sucks and I just want to take a nap. I'm killing myself for this goddamn job and I'm getting nothing positive in return.

#i can't keep doing this #for my sake i need to stop #im considering just walking out and never coming back #i know thats an asshole move and it would fuck over my boss and hes a really nice guy #but for my sake i cant keep doing this anymore #i have to take a coworker home in a couple hours. im so tempted to just keep driving home after i drop him off #everywhere is hiring. at least five places within a mile of my apartment are hiring rn #this job needs me way more than i need it and i feel like they dont realize that #evey time i have a shitty say my boss will thank me the next day and tell me not to give up because itll get better #ive worked here since january and its only gotten worse. so much worse #its taking such a toll on my mental and physical health #today im working a ten hour shift. my sleep schedule has been destroyed by my work schedule #honestly. the idea of going home when i take my coworker home is looking more and more appealing #i could go home. take a nap. apply for jobs #i need to get a new job or start doing drugs to get through this

[holographicbutch]

Went for a drive and ate one of the best meals of my life at my favorite restaurant, and then a beautiful song came on in the car as I was heading home and the trees are all red and orange and I just. I feel hopeful? For once?

#almost started crying in the car on the way home lmao #im gonna go to the library once my sheets are out of the wash #update my resume start learning the microsoft office suite and. apply for a job at said library #im GOING to get out of this shitty job and im GOING to get better or die trying #anna says stuff #sorry im just having a moment. he is mesmerized by the beauty of the world etc #also sorry if ur reading this and i havent responded to ur messages lmao ive been really bad the last few days #but im gonna try and respond to messages soon!!

[carrotpiss]

This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading

#im just so completely miserable and exhausted and just angry with everything #gic has gone silent. im getting so stressed about the ethics of my top surgery fund because i dont know if its something i should be still #doing how long until they talk to me again if they do will the waitlists even be livable is it ethical is it worth it does anyone even have #the money to spare anyway to help before the endless nhs waitlist #why am i being left in the dark #im terrified that i dont know when my pap smear will be and that i have to go under anesthetic for it because i fucked up my own body by #being a pathetic cowardly idiot who is to stupid to exist like im supposed to so now im worth nothing and i cant navigate dating bc of it #bc it just makes me shut down immediately when i realise its something i do have to disclose because im shitty and broken and worthless #and i dont know whats happening and i dont want the smear anymore and the nhs sent me a terrifying letter saying im not a real person and i #predictabley got to scared to reply to so now i may have fucked up literally everything which is my fault but also why does the ngs not just #have a system that works and isnt briken just because im trans #and i jsut want to die i cant die but im jsut scared and i want to hide forver #i dont know whats happening with my job am i still getting paid will i get the November cost of living backpay will i get my pension refund #i jjst feel lost and pathetic and desperately clawing out for any vague threads of interest for sex and dating even though im as previously #mentioned in these tags not fit for that and should just die forever in box alone and aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj #I just want a hug for the next millennia #instead im kust fighting off thoughts about starving myself as punishment because i dont deserve to eat jm not worth the expense of my own #paycheck to buy food for not that it matters because im sick and getting sicker amyway and of course one of my moles is looking insanely #dodgey and ive had to book a doctor's appointment for it but its so tempting to kust ignofe it surely itd be better if it was cancer and #then j could just die amd people wouldnt blame me for being pathetic or whatever removing myself but sad and tragic for dying from something #scary or whatever the fuck im fully aware thats a fucked up thibg to be thinking im just a bit at amessy ends atm and j dont even have a #hot chubby dude or not dude to pretend is ever going yo be interested in me or whatever and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #dw to anyone reading this in the event someone is i wont remove myself im a huge coward and too lazy to do that #crouch speaks #and its only November! we still got winter to come!!!!! my favourite (sarcastic) time of the year that doesnt absolutely fuck with my head

[samiferboy]

i just can't fuckin get anything done rn. idk what it is, I've barely been able to write anything for a week. gonna have to experiment with ways to get my mojo back bc this sucks, I just want to finish ch 7 and then make more edits

#avery.txt #averywriting #nyfic #ive written quite a lot for 8 which is good! and 9 is also in progress! and ive written like at least 15k of the margaritaville part! #theres just smth holding me back rn. some of it is self doubt im sure lmao but i dunno. #i think some of it is that like it or not we all get something from Number Go Up #and if i dont get Number Go Up i /will/ take it as a personal insult bc that's just what my shitty brain does #so its safer for me to just never post anything bc that way ill never know if Number Go Up or not #there's all that crap about 'you'll never know unless you try' yeah well what if /knowing/ means feeling shitty? #see i lucked out Last Time. height of popularity. not a lot of good long fics. one good long one had just ended. #now its like.....why would anybody go to me to get something they could get way better somewhere else? #its like those job applications with 4000 applicants where there is no point in applying bc what do u uniquely have to offer #so anyway that's my self loathing tag rant for the day lmao