#im better than a few months ago

[quasieli]

Love that my father doesn't remember I exist until he needs something from me.

#Eli Speaks #im more than happy to help him out #but ya know #it would be nice to feel appreciated and have that care reciprocated #but nope gotta take care of shit by myself #when im still not in the greatest place mentally #im better than a few months ago #but the amount of stress and anxiety he has been causing me lately is unreal #i had a *horrible* anxiety nightmare last night #worst ive had in a long time #and guess who made me cry a couple days ago from stress #i just dont know what to do with myself anymore #im tired and angry #and im p sure this stress and anxiety has triggered my vertigo again so thats also fun

[sneez]

the other day i was looking through the drawings on my old laptop and found this self-portrait art challenge thing i did at some point several years ago, so i thought it would be interesting to update it with my current self for old times' sake :-) i don't know why i felt the need to be so mean to myself in all the descriptions but i have tried to be at least slightly nicer this time around. sorry past me [id under cut]

[id: a series of four full-body digital drawings of a pale-skinned person at different ages. the first three depict me in 2007, 2013, and 2017 under the heading 'George'; the fourth, in a different art style, depicts me in 2023 under the heading 'Ned (I changed my name)'.

the first drawing shows a young child with long hair wearing a fluffy pink jumper, a pink skirt, and pink shoes. bullet points above read:

annoying

copies other people constantly

draws cute animals

arrogant

cries when told off

maybe 1 friend

the second drawing shows a young teenager wearing a hoodie and trainers and looking uncomfortable. bullet points above read:

anxious

listens to Simon and Garfunkel exclusively

bad under pressure

anime

writes bad fanfiction

draws bad fanart

the third drawing shows a smiling teenager wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and brown boots. bullet points above read:

what the HELL is a Self Esteem

really into 60s music

cries a lot

0 fashion sense

usually dissociating

thinkin about trees

the fourth drawing shows a young man with messy brown hair, a striped brown shirt, a beige woollen tank top, and burgundy plaid trousers; he is leaning on a wood-textured folding cane and holding the strap of a brown leather satchel with his other hand. bullet points above read:

still no self-esteem but medicated now

significantly worse handwriting (wrist knackered)

I haven't changed much to be honest

RBF so severe I get followed around by the security guards at the supermarket

autism

end id.]

#artwork #two posts in two days what is happening to me. ive been possessed #i think i did a decent job at capturing my likeness this time around :-) i doubt i'll ever post another picture of myself here (sorry i am #a nervous creature now) so hopefully this will suffice. i kind of look like [gestures] #i really like patterns. and stripes especially. also brown. if you couldnt tell #i am actually doing much better recently! i had what i think in retrospect was a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago but i am ok now. all gud #it was very contextual i had just got myself into a very stressful situation and basically just self-destructed for a few days until it was #resolved. the resolution was very satisfactory though so im mostly back to normal now #also i started taking antidepressants a couple of months ago and i think they have finally started working so i am in a much better place #than i have been for a while :-) yippee! #it's pretty neat to see how much my art style has changed too. i love using gouachey watercoloury brushes these days #anyway i hope you are all doing well my friends! it is my birthday tomorrow im going to be 8 million years old

[kaitaiga]

I start at my new uni next week and I’m so fucking scared bc I have to start everything all at ground zero again. new campus, new people, completely new degree-

im excited, don’t get me wrong, but shit like im so nervous

#dawg like I haven’t been eating or sleeping well #im anxious like 24/7 these last few months #im relieved that I could leave my previous uni and move but RAAHHHHHHHH #and like they only told me a few days ago that I was accepted LMAO #so it’s like a rush rn getting everything in order #I just hope my time at this new uni will be better than the last cuz shit 💀💀 #kaitaiga’s thoughts

[feisaru]

@soccerpunching you're genuinely one of the best people I've met here bc you like almost every media I like

Apropos fighting. Remember when Adora jumps on Catra at Prom. Just them rolling on the floor. I wanted to draw that but didn't get round to it. The scene had such an energy

#im so so glad you like those hah #but anyways catradora and feisaru are two v personal and important ships 2 me #would you believe me if I told you I've sorta felt like drawing them in suits again #a few weeks ago #both manspreading #the problem is my head is so full of ideas and i actually suck at drawing and am slow and so my brains fastness overwhelms me sometimes #oh also im sick AGAIN so efficiency goes put the window #i also have a song that i associate w the prom redraws in particular #if i do the manspreads ill bring it up #im a bit conflicted abt the prom redraws. i used to really like them #but theyre over a year old now and its showing #how my drawings looked back then doesn't really resonate w me but the dip stays iconic #BECAUSE #i didn't think about saru's n fei's bodies any different back then. but my brain has this thing #where it distorts my drawings and makes them look broader than they really are in my head? and #then i look at the drawings again after a month and it goes holy shit last time i looked you werent looking like stickmen #but im better than this now #my drawings cause me less eye cancer now #i wanna get that violet suit finally. have wanted it for years #also that one thing where saru gets manhandled. it originally had more blush #man im not rereading im going to sleep

[hearties-circus]

Oh g-d I've been withdrawing

#gamer txt. #i keep typong up posts and tags and delstinv them withoit thinking too much about it recentlu but k never usually dp that #theyve all been needy and attention seeking and thats why i was eriting them in the first place but thats ehy i keep deleting them #because i want attention #and that scares tge hell out of me #how bad do i have to be to be this desperate for some sort of contact yet this scared of losing everyone eho moght give it to me #why am u rhis scared of people thinking im annoying ive been feleting needy posts for months thats not . like me #even when im bad im usually better than that i dont. i dont understand ahy this is different #hell i relapsed a few months ago and i couldnt bring myself to even say i cut myself again outright bc i didnt want to be bother #since when the hell have i put up the illusion of being ok on this blog why am i so comcerned #are my trust issues really that bad? am i really that worried everyone who cares about me will fold the second i inconveniene them? #g-d thats. yeah fuck no wonder my friends were insulted when i gave them a 6/10 for 'ppl i would talk to if i had issues' #that is insulting #and whats worse is that its a lie #6/10 should be over half i should tell them my problems about half of the time #i dont do it. ever #and usually thats not too bad because i unload wverything here anyways but now ive stsrted stopping kyself frkm doi g thst #i want help and attention and to stop being so svared but im too scared to ask for those #i had to drag myself out of bed to make rhis post bc if i left it till morning i wouldnt do kt #also thats why all the typos btw no glssses its dark and i stsrted crying at some point #i dont know if its just how ive been feeling lateky or if theres some truth to it but i feel like my text posts have been getting seen less #im honestly kinda really twrrified im gonna wake up and no one will have seen this post and im just gonna pretend to be ok #bevause i would i think i would really just give up #i dont know what gl do #ive never been this scaredwithout a discernable cause before #ive stsrted cryung way harder andb u dont even know why #i think i think thats more or lees everything off my chest #im gonna try to sleep

[syncrovoid-presents]

Does anyone have advice for things to do on your birthday (after friends tell you they're too busy to do anything and/don't want to do anything)?

It's coming soon and the weather isn't the best for hiking to stores or anything but I might grab a cake and some ice cream, maybe some berries since they're usually too expensive? Who knows! I'll probably just chill I think, birthdays always aren't fun haha

#syncrovoid.txt #rambling #birthday #im not having a birthday party of any sorts since people are busy and its me lol #ive had 1 birthday party with friends and it was cool! #but yeah people are too far away/busy/arent close enough to do anything anyways so itl just be me myself and i once more lol #its good that people are upfront about forgetting or not caring i think? its better than nothing #<- sorry im in a weird mood and might be venting a bit #<- its all due to circumstance and stuff. i know some people get to experience those things and some people dont. its just a little awkward #its a touch like a few months ago where my best friend purposefully didnt invite me to her birthday party because she wanted to celebrate #with her new group of friends #sorry im venting. just feeling weird #hope everyone is having a good day!

[undermostcorgi]

ANOTHER ONE

#my art #dnd oc #friend oc #kairos #getting lots of practice drawing fucked up FREAKS (affectionate) recently #also yes this lovely lady is from the same campaign as bell (zombie boy posted yesterday) and osiris lol #can you tell there's a sort of. death and undeath theme in that campaign #also i did thankfully have some feedback on this one since it's evie's character!! so hopefully somewhat more accurate lol #not entirely pleased with her face for some reason but i still like it #i am reminded of that one graph that shows talent and perception? yknow the one? #where as you grow more skilled there's a point where your perception of your art matches how good it really is #but then your skill doesn't necessarily grow with your perception of it so you start thinking your art is bad again #or that you're getting worse but it's still better than your previous art you're still getting better #idk i think that may be what's going on here lmao #i know this is decent and its much better than anything i was making even just a few months ago #but its still weird in my brain lol #or maybe im not too happy with it because i didnt spend a ton of time on it like i usually do on things like this? #this one took me like. 1 day total from sketch to finished product? #gathered reference images and started the sketch late monday night #did almost the whole thing yesterday and just added finishing touches today #so maybe i just didnt put enough effort into it idk #also also this is my 11th finished piece of the year #which is significant because in the ENTIRETY of last year i only made 11 finished digital art pieces LMAOOO #so in a month and a half i have done what i did in all of 2023 B) #a bit worried that im gonna burn out soon and not make art for a long time again but im feeling fine so far #other than the aforementioned slight displeasure with what im making now #hoping i can continue making good art all year!! or at least having fun making it even if it isn't good lmao

[idiot-arih]

hello! i’m sorry that i was gone for so long. it’s literally almost been a year since i even touched this site. every day i saw notifications from here, but couldn’t work up the will to really open tumblr again or even reach out to the people that supported me the most. i’m sorry for continually promising to return just to disappear for an even longer period of time. my motivation and mental health has finally recovered enough for me to finally return. i hope you’ve all been well and i wish the best for all of you. i’m slowly starting to draw again and will hopefully be able to whip up some things that i’ve been planning on for over a year now. thank you for your patience and understanding. this time i mean it.

#i’m very sorry everyone #undertale #it’s been a trying year #i really missed tumblr #i’ve literally had all the classic posts on my mind on repeat for the past few months #i’ve been going over the things from fellow creators i had saved in discord or on my devices constantly bc of how much i missed this place #thank you for all your support #your patience and kindness will finally pay off #i swear and i mean it wholeheartedly this time #i’m also working on pieces i promised other creators so long ago #you all mean the world to me and im so happy to be back #i’ll return to fanart soon enough and i have so much in mind for this year #i love you all so genuinely #thank you to everyone #especially my dearests on discord who’ve really given me the motivation to continue #huge shoutout to hyper my sunshine for all the months that they’ve supported me through #literally there for me in my darkest hours #also giant shoutout to gi and echo on discord who really brighten my day #also to the coolest boodle for constantly reminding me that there are people who still care through using my server #im back and better than ever #enough with the sappy stuff though! #im here to hopefully bring joy to your lives for all the happiness you brought to mine #thank you all so much

[orcelito]

about ready to jump off the walls for this purchase

i have bought. the full trimax set.

#speculation nation #LSKDJFLSDKFJSLDKFJ i bought a print from them already (currently my only trigun merch that has arrived yet) #and so i got a 10% off coupon for orders from their shop #which OBVIOUSLY means me buying a full trimax charms set AND a sketch zine #i love this person's art style and i LOVE these charms #last time i looked at them i wasnt done with trimax yet so i was a bit more ambivalent about it #hadnt officially met livio yet. now i love him. he is everything to me. #ANDDDDDDDDDDDD my dear trimax wolfwood and vash. much more in my heart than tristamp ones. Yeah. #theyre both preorders so im not getting these until august (AGHHH) but it's ok. it's worth it. im willing to wait. #still better than waiting until DECEMBERRRRRR for the trigun manga reprint lol. #yes i only got into this shit not even 2 months ago no it doesnt MATTERR #i can TELL it's gonna b a long haul interest bc a: it's all ive been able to think about for the past few months #and b: it got me to change my icon from orcelito for the first time in 7 years. that's a Big Deal. #anhways yea. excited. #i loooooove having some free money again. i love making objectively kind of stupid purchases. #just with the stipulation that im not supposed to buy anything else frivolous until my next paycheck lol #... i also did buy two stuffed turtles and also a tshirt from the zoo i went to yesterday. lol. #i need to post pics of them soon. ive just kinda kept them in my bag lol bc i was tired last night. #ooo i should post pics of the animals too. i got a sunburn. nice time outside !!

[ironmanstan]

feel like ten doctor who rn

#interpret as u will #im losing my MARBLES its fine #i have finally given up on twitter i cant post in my silly circles anymore im so sad but anyway #cannot bring myself to hate my graphic design prof or my class bc i understand the purpose and if i understand something #then like #and if its logical and makes sense and i agree #then like i cant get mad #makes me so insane but whatever #im the guy getting bad grades but helping my classmates not fail in her class #and then everyone doing better than me in everything else #m so normal im so sane i need to stop shooting myself in the foot #ptsd killing me tho #your brain will feel like it is on fire and everyone makes you angry bc u feel like everyone is out to get you #AND u are in a constant state of underlying fear and paranoia. have fun #the meds are working tho i am staying saner than i was a few months ago. gbless #i just have to get through next week <- i say this every god damn week #the gamer speaks uwu

[caruliaa]

losing something you once had feels so much worse iv learned then realising youll never get something you never had

#this isnt true im just not in the middle of the second one anymore but its just. such a new sudden pain #what do you do when you lose a close connection with someone that used to tell you you made every day of their life better #and that theyd do anything to keep you in their life just a few months ago? #how you deal with the pain of the person youd go to to laugh with and cry to being gone? #i dont know. i dont other than to just. try to make sure im still here tomorrow and do the same the day after #its jsut so sudden. three years gone in less than a week i cant bear it. and i can still talk to them and i want it that way #and like. just just just i hope so deeply that one day we will be able to rebuild a relationship again #but thats dependant on them not on me. and i know if that day does come its at the several least months away #its not even their fault i know what theyre going through has to be awful too. i just dont know what it is and it feels so sudden for me #idk. what do you do when you lose the person you wanted to learn how to drive you could drive to meet them irl one day #before youve even started lessons? other than cry to olivia rodrigo ig but i was listening to olivia rodrgo without crying on friday #can i go back to that please? can i go back to before this fell apart becuase it did so quickly and i dont know how #vent #flappy rambles

[twipsai]

no i'm talking about the gender pipeline

awww ty :3

#idk gender is weird and its a hard process but i think im in an ok place rn??? #definitely not as good as a few months ago but CERTAINLY better than a few years ago #so id say im doing ok??? maybe?????

[djsadbean]

just wanna test out my new lil ko-fi banner thang :]

#i think its a lot better than the default! and the default is pretty nice too #OH also the stickers have been revamped!! theyre now cute sticker sheets and im gonna add more next month!! :DD #augh man i love drawing cute thangs #also ALSO shipping is a lot cheaper now if you weren't able to grab something u wanted a few months ago!! #it just wont have tracking unless u manually add that :] #yes this includes ppl outside the US!! <3 ily world #djsadbean rambles

[hella1975]

my sunshiney friend who I’m convinced has never judged anyone in her life and doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body: hey did something happen to your spotify I can’t find you anywhere :(

me knowing full well I blocked her in the heat of menstrual-infused paranoia convinced she was going to somehow scan through all of my playlists and collect enough clues to find my online presence and expose me: oh that’s weird

#like I just brushed it off with the shittest lie ever lmfao #bc she asked for my spotify AGESSS ago and then randomly a few weeks ago #JUST BROUGHT UP ONE OF MY PLAYLISTS? #and I was faced with the terrifying realisation that this girl checks my spotify regularly #and i was like. god damn. if u were really weird and stalkery you could very easily find my tumblr blog from my spotify #like even just from the titles (not anymore bc i changed them all in the exact same paranoia session that had me blocking her lmfao) #and ive finally accepted (bc ive noticed it for years but kinda ignored it) that i get SUPER paranoid before my period hits #like every month it's a whole thing and it SUCKS #and im pretty sure i posted about this when i did it but that night i was just CONVINCED that my spotify was going to expose me #and i blocked every single person from my real life on it skhgskjdghjk #AND THEN SHE MESSAGED ME TODAY SAYING THIS I WAS LIKE SHIT FUCK I FORGOT I DID THAT #like no regrets it helps me sleep at night BUT STILL SDGHSKDGH #im terrified that one day she'll ask again and i'll use the same 'idk why spotify isn't working :/' excuse #and she'll try and fix it WITH ME THERE in a way that LETS HER SEE MY SPOTIFY or worse THE FACT IVE BLOCKED HER #like if she finds out i actually made the conscious effort to block her there really is no normal explanation for that #and actually her assuming the worst would probably be better than the truth bc the truth is so much stranger lmfao #she's literally so lovely too i feel so bad but not bad enough to unblock her #sorry bestie ilysm it's not you it is very much me and this bitch hella1975 #music tings

[adhbabey]

Maybe like lets not say people who are shaky/tremoring and say they have a terminal disease like Parkinson's because maybe that person's fucking dad died of parkinsons.

Yeah. This happened to me and I sobbed so hard because I was shaky, because of my medical condition, due to stress, and guess what buddy, my dad's fucking dead because of that thing this cunt made fun of.

So let's not make fun of Parkinson's or whatever. Let's not be a cunt to disabled people. Let's not be a piece of shit.

#babey posts #tw ableism #this happened a few months ago #so im ok ish now #but seriously I haven't played that stupid fps game since #:/ i have better aim than a lot of people actually #maybe lets not make fun of terminal diseases thanks #not funny + L + ratio + straight ticket to the 9th layer of hell

[miss-morland]

.

#im gonna throw up #im coping better than i would have a few months ago but i’m still not coping particularly well #i wish disappointment didn’t fucking kill me!!! #personal