#im not comfortable making a public post with the information that i have on that so if somebody wants to get info from me i'll give it

[indigoidiot]

in light of a recent reblog,

#submas #not tagging it for the sanity of everybody here #kindly. if i see you interacting with my posts and tagging blankshipping either on my things or any other stuff you have im blocking you. #it was my mistake to not put anything up earlier so that's what i'm doing now. i dont want to interact with you. #call me an anti or whatever you want to do i dont want to see brothers kissing. and i'm putting my new carrd in all my socials from now on. #i also found an artist i like here is probably shadowing as another blog to avoid getting backlash for making that content. dm for more. #im not comfortable making a public post with the information that i have on that so if somebody wants to get info from me i'll give it

[norrizzandpia]

I JUST READ You Were Never What I Wanted AND NOW I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE

IT WAS SO GOOD

IM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT PART (if u decide to post it)

YOURE WRITING IS AMAZING <333

Yall ask and yall shall receive! Part 1 link if you need it <3

But I Need You Now (You Were Never What I Wanted, Part 2) (LN4)

Summary: In the aftermath of Lando and Y/n, Lando makes it his personal mission to show Y/n that it wasn’t fake. Their PR stunt might’ve started out as a lie, but it was love for him and he knows it was for her too.

Warnings: language, angsty, FLUFF AT THE END BITCHES AS AN APOLOGY FOR THE HELL I PUT YOU THROUGH WITH THESE TWO-PARTERS, sexual conversations

Note: see what I did with the title… 😏 You were never what I wanted, but I need you now 🤭 also i made this less angsty as an apology again 👹

Y/n goes home for a few days.

The news spreads throughout the paddock like a virus, being whispered in every person’s ear. When it gets back to Lando, he stands in the midst of the chaos in McLaren’s garage.

Jon leaves his hand on Lando’s shoulder in a comforting manner, knowing something happened between them, but not knowing the specific details.

“She left?” He says lowly, voice wavering as he tries to gain control of it.

Jon nods, “I’m afraid so.”

“What about the race?” He asks, hands clenching at his sides.

“She’s having the reserve driver take her place. You know that.” Jon gives him a confused look.

Lando shakes his head, “No, I get that, but how could she just give up on it?”

Jon sighs and Lando can tell his trainer doesn’t want to tell him the next bit of information. He does anyway, “I heard she was pretty distraught after that gala a week ago. Apparently, she was sobbing and the valet had to help her call a cab. She was a mess, I gather, no one knows why.”

I do, he thinks. I know why, Lando thinks.

Lando abandons the conversation, not wanting to hear anymore about the girl he loves.

She plagues his dreams, his nightmares, his delusions, his thoughts, he doesn’t need her to infiltrate his life anymore.

🏎️

“What’s the problem?” He asks an hour later when Jon treats him like he’s about to have a mental breakdown at any moment.

His trainer eyes him suspiciously, gently, “Nothing,”

Lando groans, arms flying out beside him before smacking down back at his sides, “Jon, cut the bullshit. You’ve been treating me like I’m a fucking baby all day. Why?”

Jon sighs, turning to look at him before grabbing his arm and pulling them out of the garage. Jon forces them into a random hallway always away from the commotion and publicity, looking at Lando softly, “What happened between you and Y/n?”

Suddenly, Lando’s defensive. The mention of her name makes his skin crawl and his heart clench, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You two were dating.”

Lando rolls his eyes, “We were not dating. We were a PR stunt. You know that, Jon.”

Jon stares him down, “You two were dating.”

The meaning of his words hits Lando, what Jon truly is trying to address. He’s drowning in the mistakes of his own actions and the love he developed for her, no way to explain his way out of the situation with Jon looking at him knowingly.

He folds his arms over his chest, “Maybe in the end.”

Jon’s face scrunches up in confusion, “In the end? Of course, you were. Did you sleep together?”

“Fuck, no!” Lando yelps, astonishment at Jon’s bluntness, a trait the man has never had when it came to his romantic relationships.

Jon shakes his head, confusion deepening, “Then how the fuck did you two end up where you are? How did you end up in this mess? Which you still have not told me about.”

He sighs, head falling to stare at his shoes, “I fell in love with her. She fell in love with me. Well, at least I think.”

Jon, the man so incredibly lost, looks blankly at Lando, “You fell in love. With Y/n. Y/l/n. The woman you used to absolutely detest. The woman who used to hate your guts. You two fell in love with each other?”

Lando nods, “I know how it sounds, but it happened.”

Jon’s head tilts to the side, “Okay, and what happened the night of the gala?”

Jon sees the shift of Lando’s demeanor, his entire body running cold with images of her walking out on him. The boy’s body running cold, he tries to get through the night that ruined it all, “Everything was fine in the beginning. We were just talking to a bunch of donors. You know, we got so many that night. Anyways, we were at the bar and being stupid as always, getting drunk, when Lu showed up.”

“Lu as is your ex?” Jon clarifies.

Lando nods, “Yeah, so she came up to us and we just got to talking. She mentioned the fact that we still talk.”

Jon’s mouth falls open, “You and Lu still talk?!”

“Not anymore, not after the gala. She basically cut off contact with me because she ‘hated the way it made her feel when she saw the look on Y/n’s face’. But, at that time, we had been. I should’ve told Y/n when we started getting serious, but I didn’t and that came back to bite me in the ass because she was so betrayed, Jon.”

“So, she walked out of the gala because she was angry about you and Lu?”

“Yeah, she basically told me I didn’t care about her in the way she thought I had, which wasn’t true. I told her I loved her and then shit just went completely downhill after that.”

Jon’s hand squeezes Lando’s arm, “You told her you loved her?”

There’s a flash of sadness in Lando’s eyes and Jon knows it’s because of the painful rejection. He’s learning that Y/n might’ve started out as one of the people Lando cared about the least, but she had quickly become the center of his entire world.

“Of course, I did. But, she didn’t believe me. I don’t blame her too! The start of our relationship was built specifically on hatred. We never wanted anything to do with each other and then, all of a sudden, we were kissing and it was feeling like something more.”

A silence passes before Lando whispers, “Sometimes I wish I never would’ve met her.”

Jon chuckles, “You’ve said that before.”

Lando scoffs, “Yeah, but that was because I hated her. This is because I can’t deal with the fact that she left me.”

“Have you tried to talk to her?” Jon inquires, eyes roaming Lando’s face in search of an answer.

“No,” Lando responds, grief and remorse soaking his tone.

“Well, maybe that’s where you need to start.” Jon smiles.

“In order to do what?” Lando’s lost on the insinuation.

“In order to get her back.”

It’s heartbreaking the way Lando stares up at Jon as if he’d just single-handedly restored all senses of hope and happiness into his body, “You think I can do that?”

“I think that you and her loved each other too much to let it go to waste this way.”

Maybe you’re right, he thinks. Maybe I need to find out for myself, he thinks.

—

Y/n, the girl he hated so much for the love she made him feel, was locked up in her room of her childhood home, information Lando gained from her mother who he had called quietly. It was the first time they had spoken, but it wasn’t the first time she had heard of him. Her daughter had shown up in the middle of the night, sobbing to her over a boy and berating herself for allowing a man to hurt her in the way he had.

However, with the undying kindness Y/n shared, she had patiently heard Lando out as he explained to her the feelings he harbored for her daughter. Strong words of love had persuaded her into giving Lando their address and giving him permission to come. After all, she saw the way her daughter’s Lock Screen lit up with a loving picture of them every time Y/n got a notification. She clocked the picture as the room where Y/n had been hospitalized after her crash, Lando laying on the bed beside her with his arm wrapped safely around her shoulders, a kiss to her cheek as she smiled at the camera.

Bags packed and in hand, Lando stands in front of her house, hood pulled over his head with sunglasses shoved over his eyes. He takes two steps at a time, bypassing multiple steps in the process as he reaches the front door in no time.

Knocking on the wood, Lando waits patiently before the lock is turning and her mother is appearing before him. Dressed in jeans and a sweater, she smiles softly at him, a smile resembling the one Y/n had adorned him with before he made her feel less than the most important person in his life.

“Hi, Ms. Y/l/n. Thank you for this.” He says quietly, not wanting Y/n to hear him and get scared.

She nods at him, opening the door and letting him step in, “As much as you hurt my daughter, I think this space is effecting her worse.”

He lingers in the doorway, nerves getting to him as he stares at the steps in front of him, steps he assumes would lead him to her.

Her mother notices his eyes, “She’s up there if you want to go.”

He takes a step toward them, but takes on back and looks at her with tension in his face, “Do you think she’ll want to see me?”

Her mother’s head moves side to side, “I think, at first, she’ll be mad, but she’ll warm up. I know she still loves you, that’s still there.”

He nods, “What should I say?”

His words relay quietly and her mother lays a hesitant hand on his arm, “Why are you here? Why are you fighting for her?”

His answer comes easily, “Because I love her. Because, after years of hating each other, I realize that I never truly, fully hated her. I hated that she was better than me and the fact that she was winning races more than I was, but I never hated her. I never gave her a chance to show me who she was and it took someone forcing us to be together for me to see how amazing she is. I’m remorseful for that, of course, but I’m happy it happened. If it hadn’t, I wouldn’t have realized the happiness that was standing in front of me all along.”

Her mother smiles brightly at him, “Tell her that.”

🏎️

The door creaks as Lando pushes it open, head poking in to see her laying with her back to him.

“Mom, can I just have some time alone right now?” Her broken voice whispers, curling further into herself as Lando steps in and closes the door.

He doesn’t say anything, opting to walk over to her bed and sit down. The mattress is larger, putting space between them so he’s not touching her.

“I can hear you breathing. Please leave.” She says again, this time pleading desperately.

Lando exhales before lifting his hand and laying it on her hip, his thumb rubbing soft circles lovingly. He feels her body tense, her head looking down to inspect the fingers wrapped around her skin.

She pulls away quickly, sitting up and whipping her head around to meet his eyes.

“What the fuck are you doing here?! You should be at the race!” She yells at him, shifting farther away from him.

He hates how tired she looks, how puffy her eye bags are from a mixture of exhaustion and tears. His body turns to completely face hers, his leg being pulled onto the bed, “Your mom gave me the address and I got the reserve driver to cover for me.”

Y/n scoffs, “Okay, why would my mother do that?”

“Because she knows I love you.”

Y/n’s eyes glaze over, iciness translating in her every move, “How would she know that?”

“I called her.” He states simply, watching her eyebrows stitch together.

Her head tilts, “How did you get her number?”

“From Nick.”

Y/n body rears back, “My trainer?! You coerced my trainer into giving you my mother’s phone number?! Are you fucking crazy?!”

“For you, yes.” He smiles softly. His comment earns an eye roll.

“Y/n, just listen to me.” He begins, but Y/n raises her hands in objection.

“No, Lando. Leave me alone. I appreciate the effort, but leave.” Her hands push his arms, doing nothing to move him.

He gently takes her hands in his and shifts closer to her, “No. I’m not leaving until you hear what I have to say.”

Knowing how stubborn he is, Y/n sits back and gestures for him to continue.

“When I first met you, I hated the success you had.” He starts.

Y/n laughs, “What a great start!”

“Let me finish.” He states, “I hated the success you had and I was dumb enough, young enough to think that meant I hated you too. So, I spent years resenting everything that had to do with you. I never gave myself one moment to reflect on the reasoning for my dislike of you. If I had, we wouldn’t be here right now. Part of me hates that, hates that I spent so much time treating you in a way you never deserved, but another part of me, the part that has fallen so hard for you, is happy it didn’t. If I had realized that I was just jealous of the race wins you were claiming, I would’ve been cordial with you, never getting close enough to get to know who you are out of the envy I held against you. If it had gone down that way, I would’ve never gotten to meet you. And I mean the person you really are, underneath all the PR trained, guarded skin. I would’ve never fallen in love with you, never experienced you and the happiness you have provided me with. It took us so long to get here, through hurtful insults and screaming matches, I can’t let you slip through my fingers, your love with it, because of my stupid mistakes. I won’t let that happen.”

Y/n stays quiet after he completes his last sentence, staring at him as she decides what she wants to do next.

Softly, she says, “Why didn’t you tell me about Lu?”

He sighs disappointedly, “I don’t know. Truthfully, I didn’t think it meant that much. In my head, I didn’t love her. I was just ending a relationship on good terms. I didn’t think far enough to get to you. I’m sorry for that. If I could go back and sit you down, explain to you what Lu and I were doing, the fact that it meant nothing compared to what I feel towards you, I would. You deserve that conversation. I don’t know if that means anything to you, but I hope it does. She was never going to mean the same thing to me as she had before after I first kissed you. Truthfully, she never did mean the same thing to me as you do. I’ve never felt this way for anyone before.”

Y/n nods slowly, gathering her thoughts, “When did you start loving me? When did it stop being hate? Because that night at the gala, at the end of our conversation, you hated me again.”

Lando shakes his head, “First of all, I didn’t hate you that night. I was just hurt and it translated to something ugly, which I can’t apologize enough for. Second of all, I don’t know when I genuinely started loving you, but I know I realized it when you crashed. When I was running throughout the paddock, I could not get away from the heavy pit in my stomach that only pointed toward one thing, I knew that. I tried to push it away, tried to forget about it, but when I saw you laying there, bandaged and alive, it just hit me. I loved that you were still there, I loved the relief that spread through me, I loved the happiness I felt when I saw you breathing, and, then, I just loved you. It built exactly like that. I was just listing the things, in my head, I adored about the moment in order to get away from the severity of it, and then it was just you. You, you, you, you.”

Y/n’s small smile graces his eyes and he moves closer to her, sitting with his legs folded on the bed and his hands over her thighs. The two of them breathe each other in before Y/n is shuffling closer to him. His arms immediately move from her legs to snake around her torso, folding open his legs and pulling her into him. She lays her shoulder against his chest, her head falling to the side to nuzzle in his neck as her legs spread in front of her, lying over his thigh. She plays with the hem of his hoodie as he kisses her temple, laying his head on top of hers.

“You know, I love you too.” She says into his neck. A warmth spreads through Lando, happiness buzzing all the way down to his toes at her confession.

It’s all he’s ever wanted to hear, “I had an inkling.”

She lightly smacks his stomach, giggling, “Don’t be a smart ass.”

Just as he’s about to rebuttal, his phone begins vibrating harshly in his back pocket. His arm reaches around to pull it out, Jon’s face illuminating the screen.

Y/n laughs, “Can I answer it?”

The idea makes him shine with pride, knowing Jon will be proud to hear Lando’s gotten his girl back. So, he plops the phone in her lap with a smile.

Clicking the green button, Y/n puts it on speaker.

“Lando? Did you get there okay? Have you spoken to her yet?” Jon’s rushed voice says quickly.

Y/n gives Lando a playful look before answering, “He got here okay.”

There’s a silence before Jon is cackling, “AHA! IS HE THERE?! LANDO, I TOLD YOU!”

The couple laughs at his antics, Lando moving closer to the speaker to say, “I’m here and I’m starting to think I should listen to you more.”

There’s shuffling on the other end of the phone before they hear Jon screaming to, what they assume is, the entire McLaren garage, “LANDO AND Y/N, GUYS!”

Again, silence, murmuring even, before the entire room erupts in cheers. Lando can hear it’s just his crew, the group of men knowing how much it stressed Lando out to have her mad at him, the reason she was, they didn’t know.

Y/n and Lando break into tears over their laughter at the men on the other end of the phone. It’s therapeutic to see her laughing in his arms again, a sight Lando didn’t think he would see again.

She’s leaning into him as the men continue to cheer, holding him as her body racks with laughter and all he can do is hold her closer, tighter.

He holds her like she’ll leave him again if he lets go, a thought he knows is so preposterous. Because she’s got her eyes closed, blissed out in his presence and he can see the lines of tension wither away.

She’s safe with him, she shows that through the way she hugs him and softly kisses the side of his neck when he ends the call.

When the noise stops and quietness envelopes them, the couple is left with just each other. He lays them down, her body relaxing into him as she murmurs how much sleep she’s lost over their dispute.

He whispers back, “Go to sleep, then, love. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

He watches her eyes flutter close, her head falling further into the crook of his neck when she crosses the line between consciousness and unconsciousness.

Lando’s not tired, however, only laying down with her because he’s not ready to let her go yet. His eyes wander around her childhood room, pictures of a toddler Y/n winning karting races and different championships. Her toothy grin is a charming sight, a look she hasn’t lost in the years of her growth since then.

After inspecting and finding nothing, but more things to love about her, Lando’s eyes avert back to her sleeping form. He brushes the hair out of her face lightly, pressing a kiss to her forehead before whispering against it, “At first, you weren’t what I wanted, but I absolutely need you now.”

Tags (i forgot to put these lol): @toasttt11 @megumilovesme @the-untamed-soul @evieepepi08 @igotnorrrizz @im-an-overthinker @cxrlha @ssrcsm @landoslover @minkyungseokie @luvrrish @louvpdf @weasleyreidstyles @ushygushybaby @theycallmeahugger @sainzluvrr @itsjustaninchident @gavisuntiedboot @gracielukey @formula1mount @cjjydes282clo @ssararuffoni @aexitizen

#mclaren #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 fic #lando norris x reader #lando norris imagine #lando norris fanfic #lando norris fluff #lando norris imagines #mclaren formula 1 #lando norris fanfiction #lando norris fic #lando norris smut #lando x reader #lando imagine #lando norris #lando norris x you #lando norris edit

[scrollypoly]

Alex Kister has made a response to the document made by Ven

The link to the document. PLEASE READ THIS DOCUMENT BEFORE SPREADING FALSE CLAIMS

Alright this is a much more concise and well written document than Ven's was, so ill be brief. Im also gonna strike out my neutrality for this, because after reading Ven's document and seeing the behavior of the accusers on tumblr, I have lost what little belief in this document that i had and belief it was made in poor faith to slander and condemn Alex on false claims.

First, the important claims. Alex did not groom anyone. In fact, Alex says that Ven and DB are older than Alex, and Ven's statements of them being in their 29s corroborates this, as Alex is only 20 years old. Stop spreading misinfo that Alex is a pedophile or a groomer

Alex hits every point that Ven makes in their document and talks through them all. He talks only briefly for how Ven went through their prior relationship, just enough to acknowledge that it wasn't a healthy relationship and that Ven also had some responsibility in how the relationship went down, especially around the miscommunication between the two of them. These miscommunications would later come up in DB's relationship with Alex as well. It is not Alex's responsibility to see through others when they communicate that things are fine when they are not. It is up to the other party to properly communicate their feelings and any problems they may be having in the relationship. Even in the screenshots from Ven's document, we see clearly that when Ven or DB express any discomfort about something, Alex apologizes and backpedals. This is good and normal behavior.

Alex also discusses Ven's intentions with this document

Literally all of this could have been solved privately and been so much better for everyone. I acknowledge and respect that Ven and DB were hurt by their relationships with Alex, but a relationship is a private matter, and problems in that relationship should be respectfully handled between those in the relationship. This document was cruel, exposing Alex's sexual discussions to the public, outting his identity as a transgender person, and slandering him with little regard for the truth or hearing his side of the interactions. This matter should have been handled privately.

One of the things i acknowledged Alex being in the wrong for in my post on Ven's document was suicide baiting. I'll let this snippet in his document speak for itself. I am undecided on how i feel about the interaction, but this gives very important insight to it.

Alex also speaks and gives more context and information about his relationship with DB. As stated earlier, DB was also older than Alex. Alex did not groom DB. The same problems with miscommunication Alex had with Ven can also be discussed here. DB was in a consenting relationship with Alex and as Alex shows, responded in kind to Alex's advances and even advanced the relationship further on my own. From Alex's perspective in this document, it looks like he and DB had a comfortable consenting relationship that was suddenly retracted by DB. If DB was uncomfortable with anything in this relationship, they should have spoken up and discussed it with Alex.

All in all, Ven's document already had a lot of flaws, and Alex's response points out many more flaws that I didn't initially see as well. Please note this response is only to Ven's document, and does not acknowledge the other allegations made by donut, mitcha, or any of the others. I assume Alex will also talk about those, I will wait and see before discussing those allegations further.

#alex kister #alex kister callout #the mandela catalogue

[ego-meliorem-esse]

Public Figures AU

The fantastic and very fuckin funny @sunnylolli reminded me of my own au where the countries are public knowledge and people have known about them for a while.

In my au the countries have been public knowledge forever. In my humble opinion it's very hard to hide immortal being from humans. There would be too many questions, too many stories and too much effort in hiding such a thing. The public is used to them and treats them like any B-list celebrity

ALFRED IS MADE FOR THE SPOTLIGHT! That boy is so comfortable in the spotlight its actually an issue. He posts so regularly on social media that one could consider that one of his hobbies. Being that famous of course, he can't really work for NASA or have a normal engineering job (like in my regular universe) so he has a big social media presence. Be that instagram, twitter, tiktok, youtube or even twitch.

Alfred streams on twitch with Gilbert. They play some FPS and talk about some historical event completely unrelated to the game.

Arthur has a personal instagram account where he only posts pictures of his garden, his books an his kids. Every once in a while he posts a picture of Zee or Jack while they were younger during the victorian era in those frilly dresses and one of them will just be like: "dad delete this or im rebelling"

Arthur is active on facebook and so is Francis

Francis only follows cooking channels, fashion blogs and philosophical content. He constantly endorses brands and takes part in commercials for Vogue, LV, Dior... He is a sort of sponsor/face for some brands and is asked to promote them online. You'll see his face in every third magazine and fashion articles follow him on a regular basis.

Matt is the one who avoids the spotlight the most. He will answer interview questions and do a QnA on tv or youtube but will hybernate for the rest of the year afterwards. He is also the one who is most secretive about where he lives. De has a huge fear of doxing himself and wants more than anything to keep his privacy. In my universe Matt is still a doctor and has a clinical doctorate in medicine but can't work as one due to being a sort-of celebrity. That's why he still gives lectures on college campuses and publishes papers regularly but doesn't work in any clinic or hospital.

Smaller countries have an easier time with fame and being public knowledge. They can walk around in their own countries on the street and pass of as a normal human being while, for example, Alfred has a harder time doing the same. Being himself, he is lucky he hasn't doxed himself yet and doesn't have paparazzi follow him from his home to work.

There are some meetings held by personifications that are broadcasted to the world to see and people online make compilations of cringe and funny moments during those meetings. (That would be my fat ass in that au)

"10 minutes of Francis being himself at the UN" the youtube video

Countries are often asked to help and aide with the makings of history books and are often cited as a source at the end.

Countries are legal citizens and have rights. Not all rights but the ones that the do have include: right to life, right to freedom from torture and inhumane treatment, the right to equal treatment before the law, the right to privacy, the right to freedom of thought (religion, opinion and expression), the right to work, the right to education, the right to social services... While not having certain rights like the right to marry but all the while having a right to have a family.

Gilberts diaries are considered a valid source of historical information unfortunately for us

I have so many more hcs for this au holy shit

#hetalia #meli speaks #hetalia au #hetalia public figures au #historical hetalia #hws america #hws canada #hws france #hws england #hws prussia #another universe #god damn i cant tell you how long ive had this au in the making #this might be lame but it came straight from the heart

[alovesongtheywrote]

hi i just binged nightmare academia and i’m deeply deeply obsessed with you and your writing. it’s 2 am in the morning. (worth it)

♥ Summary: dkfhskdfj big thank you, that's genuinely such an honour- i really hope you like this chapter!! im posting it at 4 am bc night owl solidarity <3 In this chapter of Nightmare Academia, a community recuperates and Spencer comes back to you. [Prof!Spencer Reid x GN-Prof!Reader]

♥ Warnings: gun violence, grief, hospitals, and mentions of alcohol

♥ A/N: fun fact: on the ao3 cross post, this chapter and the one after it are named after hozier lyrics. im a basic bitch, it's work song

♥ Word Count: 2297

Series Masterlist

♥♥♥

There was a shooting near the community center.  

You weren’t there at the time.  You weren’t even close.  You were at home when it happened, and you were at home when you found out.  The little jingle for breaking news stories cut through the ambient sounds of a droning weather report, replacing it with something more intense than a report on the rain.

In an instant, images of the community center surrounded by police cars, wandering officers, and caution tape filled your screen.  You froze, blood turning to ice as you watched the police mill around your second place of work.  You could feel your extremities growing colder and colder as your mind slipped off into shock.  Someone had been shot.  Someone was hurt.  Part of your community was bleeding.

The rest of the broadcast sounded like static, but you got the gist.  Whoever was shot was in critical condition.  There was “no threat to the public.”  Police had already apprehended a suspect.

Before you could fully process what had happened, you were scrolling through the contacts on your phone.

Your first call was to the community center.  For once, it went straight to voicemail.  

Your second call went to Sheryl- the receptionist who shared a shift with you.  She was shaken, but alright, and she confirmed that all of the community center staff were in the same condition.  Scared, but okay.  Shocked, but alright.  They were going to be fine.  You thanked her, comforted her, and let her hang up first.

Your next call went to Missy.  She didn’t pick up.  You moved on, making a few other calls to a few other community center students, checking in on everyone you could.  

Frank did not pick up.  

Adam did not pick up.

Most of the others did.  Most of your students were freaked out, but fine.  Everyone seemed to be okay and alive, but you couldn’t get a hold of Missy, Frank, or Adam.  

You couldn’t fucking breathe.  You didn’t know if your friends were alive, or dead, or hurt, or arrested, or fine, and you were terrified.  The universe seemed to hold its breath as you gasped for air, spiralling as your horrible little brain dragged you through the worst possible scenarios.  

Funerals.  Hospitals.  Dead friends whose potential had been stolen from them far too fucking soon.  Courtrooms.  Cops.  Tunnel vision fallacies that got innocent people arrested.  Fuck.

Tears streamed down your cheeks.  You needed to call someone- not even for the wellbeing of your friends, but for the wellbeing of you.  You couldn’t tell if you were already having a panic attack, or if you were on the edge of one, and either way, you were not having a good time.  You needed help.  You needed someone to calm you down and get you to breathe like a functioning human person.

You thought about calling Reid.

Before you could scroll down to his contact, your screen lit up.  Missy was calling you.  You picked up.  Things only got worse from there.

Frank had been shot.  He’d been walking by the community center and someone had shot him.  A man in a dark jacket and a motorcycle helmet had shot him.  Missy didn’t see his face.

Frank was in the hospital.  In critical condition.  Maybe dying.

You got up and got ready to head to the hospital, floating through the motions as more information came to light.  You couldn’t feel your fingertips.

It wasn’t a random attack.  The assault was carried out with the precision of a hit.  

You didn’t know who would order a hit on Frank.  Neither did Missy.  True, he was a former inmate, true, he had once violated the law, but he hadn’t done anything that would make someone take a hit out on him.

The police thought Adam had done it.  Adam was near the community center.  He was in custody now.  He needed a lawyer.

“Do you think you can represent him, Doc?” you could hear the desperation in Missy’s voice.  You could feel it in your chest.  

“I uh-” you tried to clear your tear-filled voice.  You failed, “It’s a conflict of interest.  I was his teacher, recently, the prosecutor can use that against him if I try.  I can get help, though.  I have connections.”

“You’re gonna wanna hurry and send them out.  The cops were real rough with him, it’s not looking good.”

You cursed under your breath, shoving your shoes on and grabbing your keys, “I can sort it out from the hospital… I can- I can do that, right?” “If anyone can, it’s you.  Just get here soon.  Please,”  Missy’s voice got smaller and smaller as she spoke.

You broke traffic laws getting to the hospital.

-

Hospitals still fucking sucked.  They were often crowded, decently noisy, and overwhelmingly white.  You still hated hospitals, and if you could, you wouldn’t enter another one for the rest of your life.  

But that wasn’t an option.  Not for you.

You and Missy didn’t leave each other’s sides.  You couldn’t.  In the sterile environment of the hospital, you were each the other’s lifeline.  You both needed it.  You looked like the human embodiment of anxiety, and Missy the embodiment of grief.  Tears spilled down her cheeks, dragging tracks of mascara with them.  She curled into herself, into you, appearing small and fragile.  In the pull of a trigger, the strongest woman you knew became a precious breakable thing.  

She didn’t deserve this.  She didn’t deserve any of it.  And even though you also looked and felt like shit, you were glad you were there.  

The cops wouldn’t stop looking at the poor woman like she was another fucking suspect instead of a witness.  They looked away from her when she was with you.  She could focus on her grief when she was with you.  You were just happy to be there for her.

Over the phone, you arranged a legal defence for Adam.  You didn’t pull away from Missy to do it.  The two of you just sat in a blindingly white hallway, clinging to each other in a sea of sterility as you called in a couple of favours. 

Once situated, your lawyer friend called you to report that 1) the local police were really pissing them off, and 2) the case against Adam was weak, but not a guaranteed failure.  His history of incarceration and intrusive thoughts could be used against him- however, the nature of his past crimes, his friendship with Frank, and his work to improve his life could be used in his defence.

Overall, the case wouldn’t be too difficult to win.  Adam just needed character witnesses- ones that a jury would like and trust.  

You, a reputable university professor, could be one of them.  

You very quickly realized that Spencer, a notable FBI agent, could be another.

Missy urged you to call him.  She even gave you the decency of space.  She didn’t need to do either.  You were always going to call Spencer.

Of course, Spencer didn’t pick up the phone.  Pushing down the urge to just hurl your phone into the wall, you took a deep breath and left a message.  You hoped your voice wouldn’t betray how absolutely fucking shaken you were by the situation.  

It did.

“Hey, Reid.  I’m sorry, it’s been a while, I just… look, it doesn’t matter right now.  Something happened.  Things are bad, right now, and I uh.  I’m gonna need your help, if you can- if you want to help me,” you let out a shaky breath that sounded a little too much like a sob, “You know where I am.  I’ll see you.”

After you left your message, Missy looked at you with a shaky, watery smile.  You raised an eyebrow in question, and her smile just grew.

“You didn’t tell him what happened.”

“I know.  It’s uh, it’s a lot to tell someone over the phone.”

She let out a little laugh, “He’s gonna think you’re hurt or something.”

“Oh, shit-” you murmured, pulling out your phone to make another call.  

Missy put a hand on your arm, stopping you, “Don’t change it.  He might get here faster if he thinks that.”  

“You think so?”

“Oh, you are down bad.”

The two of you stood there in the hallway, and as you stared at each other’s tear-stained faces, you both started to laugh.  The sound morphed back and forward between pained sobs and wheezing laughter until the two of you were too tired to make another sound.

You stayed with Missy for another few hours.  Nobody would tell either of you a damn thing about Frank’s condition.  The two of you remained in place until a well-meaning nurse practically forced you to leave.  

You drove Missy home.  The car ride was silent.  You were both out of things to say.  For once, you were all cried out.  Missy was in a similar condition, dark mascara tracks still painted her cheeks.  She didn’t make a move to wipe them away.

It was in that silence that you pulled into a parking spot outside of Missy’s apartment- the one she shared with Frank.  

“Are you gonna be okay?”

“I’m… I’m gonna be something.”

“You can stay with me, if you want.  Just so you won’t be alone.”

She stared out at the building, at its golden lights glaring out into the velvety dark of the night, “I… I think I need to try being on my own.  Just for me.”

You tightened your grip on the steering wheel, “Okay.  But please, call if you need anything.” She smiled over at you, “I just need you to get Adam out of this mess.  The sooner they stop looking at him, the better.”

“I know.  I’ll do everything I can, I promise.”

“I know you will.  Adam will be out in no time, eh?”

You offered her a little grin, “Do you want me to walk you in?”

“I’ll be alright-” she popped open her door, “But do you think you could give me a ride to the hospital tomorrow?  I just-”

“Of course.  Anything.” She gave your arm a pat and hopped out of the car, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Doc.”

You just waved goodbye.  The last time you promised to see someone later, he disappeared from your life.  Now, he wouldn’t even pick up his phone.

You had to try really hard to avoid crashing on the drive home.  Tears blurred your vision.  Your breath came in sparse gasps.  You really should’ve pulled over, but you just wanted to be home.

You got there safely and spent the night alone.

-

The next day, you woke up early, took Missy to the hospital, and made your way to the university.  And then you had to spend the rest of the day acting like everything was normal and nothing was wrong.

It was a weird sort of hell- an inferno of your own creation.  You had spent the past few months pretending that everything was okay, acting like everything was fine.  Now you found yourself lost in the performance, drowning on the stage beneath the bright lights.

You had to give your lectures as if one of your students wasn’t rotting in a police department- like another one wasn’t in the hospital, suffering from a gunshot wound after being attacked by a mysterious assailant.  You had to act like you were a-okay with the knowledge that there was nothing you could do.

In other words, you had a terrible fucking day, and at the end of it, standing alone in your office, you had one thought.

There was wine in the trunk of your car.

-

The moment Spencer got your call, he ran back to that university town faster than he’d ever run in his life.  He could hear the fear in your voice over the phone.  He could hear a hospital monitor beeping over the phone.  

So he ran.  He ran as fast as he could trying to get back to you.  The closer he got the more dread he felt.  The closer he got, the more news stations reported on a shooting near your community center. 

It was only after he got back to that town that Spencer realized that he did not know where you lived.  

He tried the hospital, but you weren’t there.  Spencer wasn’t sure if that was reassuring or not.  The community center was closed, so you weren’t there either.  There was only one place left for you to go- and it didn’t make much sense after the message he’d gotten, but it was all he had left.

Your office was empty.  The lights were off and the door was locked.  Even the ghost wasn’t there.  Feeling dejected, Spencer wandered over to his office.  He was expecting to find it in the same condition as your office.  Abandoned.  Empty.  Untouched.

It was not that.  Someone had clearly been there recently.  The lights were on.  Someone was logged into the computer.  Even more damning, the bookshelves no longer contained the vast collection of books that he’d left behind.

They were full of smut.

Softcore smut.  Hardcore smut.  Monsterfucking smut.  Enemies to lovers smut.  That Fifty Shades parody that’s canon in the universe of Criminal Minds was notably absent, but that was about it exceptions wise.  

Spencer hadn’t done this.  He hadn’t filled the bookshelves with horny literature.  There was only one person who would.

“Spencer?”

Speak of the devil.  Reid turned, and there you were.  The world caught its breath, and the two of you suddenly felt less incomplete.  The black holes stopped eating your guts.  Spencer was right where he needed to be.

You were there, together, where you needed to be.

“Where the fuck did you come from?”

♥ Tags: @icarusignite, @usuallyunlikelyfox, @maraudersforlife2005, @fictionalcomforts, @morgthemagpie, @iiheartbowie, @digitalhearts, @corpsebridenightamare, @ghostatrixx, @reiding-writing, @mywellspringoflife, @80katie, @ms-ks-world, if you asked to be tagged and i forgot, pls let me know!! if you would like to be tagged and aren't, also let me know!!

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x gn!reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #x reader #nightmare academia

[imaginethezeldaverse]

Idk if you still do headcanon requests, but could you do bits of the SFW Alphabet for Ganondorf (mostly Im asking about this with TOTK Ganondorf in mind, but it can be any Ganondorf because they’re all great).

Letters I had in mind are A, C, D, G, H, I, J, K, S, and L if that’s ok. If it’s too many that’s also completely fine. (Unrelated but the nsfw Ganondorf headcanons you posted are part of the inspiration I got to make my own zonai oc and then ship her w the demon king)

Totally okay! Sorry this took so long! I was also thinking of TotK!Ganondorf for this so same brain!

And did you say your own Zonai oc?! You simply must show me, I'd love to see! SFW Template taken from this post here:

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

He's a moderately affectionate person. But the catch is - only with you and in small ways. What I mean by that is he'll remember things like the kind of flower you like or your favorite color and show in different ways that he's committed to memory those pieces of information. While not against public bigger displays of affection, he reserves them more for when you're in private, not because he doesn't want to - but those kinds of gestures he feels are ones only you deserve to see and have. Smaller signs of affection may include kissing your knuckles or resting his hand on your back lightly when close to you.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He's not opposed to it! Though he may not admit it outright, he enjoys embracing you more than he lets on lol. His preferred way of holding you is by spooning, with arm draped around your waist and his legs tangled up in yours. It keeps you safe and secure in his arms.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

At some point, yes, that is the goal Ganondorf wants to strive for: a spouse to rule alongside his status as king at the Gerudo throne. I will say though, he definitely gets his fair share in of laying with others before he gets to that point. Though it is treated more as learning experiences for him so as to be able to please his partner. Ganondorf is actually not a bad cook at all. He's not particular with what he eats exactly, but the man likes his food well-seasoned, and sometimes you just have to make the food yourself to the tastes that you'd prefer. He's personally cleanly, but I honestly don't think he cleans himself, no. He does take advantage of some of the perks of being chief, you know?

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

There's a yes and no to this answer. Looking at him you wouldn't think that he's capable of a more benign demeanor, but I assure you - his upbringing has given him space for being more than just a conqueror and a warrior. Physically there is always a time and a place for when weapon wielded hands are meant to provide comfort and reassurance. Emotionally is a little tougher, while he knows there are instances where he should be, can be kinder, being the only male sets a heavy expectation on him - to be strong, to be tough, to be a provider. He knows his heart should be more open for you in that sense - but an open heart lays the ground work for weakness, and as chief he feels he can't be weak when he has a whole society to protect.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

He likes them - but they are few and far between. When Ganondorf hugs you though, it's more like a protective hold. Very safe, very secure. Still tender! But you get this feeling of security in his arms. He's largely muscular and huge in comparison to you, so when his arms come around you, they kind of literally engulf you. He can lift you into his arms during these hugs without issue too.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Haha...so my headcanon with Ganondorf is he won't say those words outright unless it's in passion or under distress. More often than not he'll either imply it by action or through a different way of saying it. Like for example, you tell him 'I love you' and he'll say something along the lines of life, 'You give meaning to my days, my love'. Something like that - substantial enough to imply your importance in his heart - but never quite 'I love you'.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Oooooooh I go 50/50 on this. He's not inherently a jealous person - who would be? He's a king, has the physique of a god and is an accomplished warrior - but should you laugh a little too hard with someone else or if someone else tries to pull your attentions away from Ganondorf more than is necessary, well let's just say Ganondorf is not necessarily fond of that. It honestly doesn't even take much to keep the person at a more appropriate distance from you either, the man need only give them a stern look - that often tends to be enough to shake most.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Depends on the type of kiss! The Gerudo chief is capable of light kisses, like on your hand or your shoulder. Or more passionate kisses like your lips. His favorite sfw place to kiss you is probably your shoulder blade. It's just intimate enough to be a show of affection but also not inappropriate to do out in public. On him however, Ganondorf, when not being kissed on the lips actually likes being kissed on his forehead. There's a lot of power in one's third eye, and he considers it a high form of endearment when you place loving kisses there. Almost feels like a blessing to him, you know?

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Stern, but sympathetic. Ganondorf can be hardass toward children that require some discipline (for their own good - like kids who are jumping off of several flights of stone steps, knowing they can hurt themselves but do it anyway for fun? Those kind of kiddos), but he is not without a heart. Children who require nurturing or guidance are not without a genuine father-figure should they find themselves in his care.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Should you prove yourself capable, whether it be a fighter, scholar, what have you - he's protective to only the extent that you'd need him. You have a weapon's master and sorcerer on your arm, there isn't a single thing he can't use to protect you, thankfully. As for protecting him, you'll find he most likely won't need it. Though should you try to protect him - deep down he'll find it admirable. Just don't get hurt or it'll turn into a lecture on your safety.

#legend of zelda #legend of zelda: tears of kingdom #loz: totk #tears of the kingdom #totk ganondorf #ganondorf #ganondorf x reader #ganondorf headcanons #sfw headcanons #totk headcanons #totk fanfic #tears of the kingdom fanfiction #x reader

[funshape]

getting something off my chest

hey everyone. it’s late at night and i’m very very scatterbrained as of writing this but i figure i’d just throw this into the void because i have nothing else to do. i don’t usually vent publicly but im so mentally distressed right now that i just want to get my story out there. i have decided that for my own peace i am no longer comfortable staying silent about this because the person who abused me did so with every intention of me not speaking out about it. i ask that you do not use this post to make speculative content or anything, please just be respectful. i just want people to know that this shit happened to me and it ruined my life.

trigger warning as i will be discussing incidents of abuse & grooming & horrible, genuinely life ruining manipulation that i was the victim of. these are not light trigger warnings at all, the subject matter handled here within this post is very blatant and if you are rightfully scared about seeing those topics discussed in a post i suggest you keep scrolling.

i need to warn you that i will not be using this persons online name. this isn’t to protect their identity. this is because i literally cannot type it or think about it or else i will enter a mental episode. so yeah. needless to say, if you know a certain timeline of events that’s happened to me you will instantly know who i am talking about and that’s all you need. for the record, i was a minor when this all happened. they were in their 20s.

a few months ago i, very publicly, cut ties with someone in my life who had been exposed for grooming a person. as i uncovered more evidence about them that turned into several people. what i did not realize at the time is that i was one of their many victims, and i also did not realize that i had been abused at all. that’s because they hid their own abuse of me from me.

it’s important that you know that due to a repeated amount of trauma in my life i have severe memory issues that tend to make me forget large gaps of time, along with me having dissociative fugues at set times due to that being when traumatic events have happened to me.

i knew this person far before i even thought of them as a serial abuser. back then they were my best friend and i discussed things regarding my mental health to them, believing they’d gone through a similar experience, and we’d do this as kind of a joint coping thing. now, i have mental conditions that i shared with them that i would never think to share to anyone else because they’re perceived as “inherently evil” disorders and there’s a lot of ableism around them that makes me apprehensive at best to share my experiences with having them to the public even amongst this era of mental health acceptance because of the stigma still surrounding them, but to them i shared my experiences with those disorders thinking i could trust them

and they would then turn around and use those disorders as an in to groom me.

they knew that these certain disorders were something i never wanted publicized and in order for me to call them out, i would essentially have to out myself for having those disorders in order to find peace. this is why i’m keeping my language so vague as it’s letting them win if i disclose this information about myself so just understand that.

what i mean by “they used my disorders to groom me” is that, i shared to them the certain times i would enter my dissociative states just so they would know not to message me then, as during those times i’m very susceptible to being overly agreeable and just generally having repressed trauma come back. so they knew about the times when this would happen. they were aware of the exact times .

then, during one of those times they messaged me.

they basically used my disconnection from reality as an in to groom me into their sexual fantasies and use my agreeable nature when i’m in that state to get me to roleplay with them. this is already disgusting because this is an adult and a minor. but even IF minors could consent - which they can’t - then thsi is still fucking sexual assault as i LITERALLY COULD NOT BE IN THE RIGHT MINDSET TO GIVE CONSENT. then when everything was done they went back and deleted all of their messages they sent to me, again with them being the one to initiate these extremely inappropriate advances

they would message me after i had calmed down from that state, with only the messages i sent remaining, only to push the blame on me, as if i were the one to make all that happen . they would say shit like “haha you acted so weird last night” and because they were my friend and i thought i did something bad, i laughed it off, but didn’t know how it kept happening, again, my brain does not work like a normal persons does due to trauma so i only connected that something happened after the fact

then this happened another 2 times. then another five times. and then it just kept happening

by the time they’d decided i wasn’t fun to abuse anymore, it was feburary of 2023

and they’d done this to me a total of, from what i can recall, 21 times. not that exact numbers matter, but that’s 20 more times than it takes to realize you should not have done this to someone. there is no excuse for this. they knew what they were fucking doing and that was fun for them.

i had been their friend for just shy of 2 years by then. and given that they called me their best friend and i did the same we talked about literally everything together.

i regret talking to them at all so fucking much now. because now every piece of media that i love that ive EVER talked to them about is just . forever ruined for me. because i see it and i think of them.

seeing the video games i liked at the time now makes me sick. i cant ever watch certain movies even if i loved them. because we talked about quite literally everything and anything the number of media i have to turn to for comfort can only be counted on one hand. aside from that small pool of things they have ruined so many fucking things for me aside from just media that this is going to take years and years to heal from.

i called them out on the biggest platforms i have and they refused to take accountability until i pressured everyone that knew them into confessing publicly. there for a few hours, a few very painful hours, people accused me of bullshitting. for lying for clout. they eventually did confess to everything being true, aside from my experience as i wasn’t aware what was happening at the time . only recently over the past few months have i had the strength to gather a timeline of events together and realize the nightmare scenario id been trapped in this whole time without even knowing it.

when they apologized, they did the usual influencer “i’ve been called out as a fucking pedo” song and dance of trying to dodge strays.

they said “they’d seek help”. “i’m getting therapy”.

yeah fucking right you are, you piece of shit.

do you want to know what you’d be doing if you actually wanted to take accountability? you’d fucking turn yourself in. either that or you’d be completely gone from the face of the earth in whichever way that manifests, and i wouldn’t care about how you’d go about doing it but in the case that you died or were put behind bars where you’ve belonged for fucking years, maybe then i’d be able to find peace.

but no. you’re getting help.

so go ahead. live your stupid fucking offline life.

but if i hear that you did to others what you’ve done to me, so help me god you will pay for it.

i have no real way to conclude this.

i’m just tired.

[hundrkottr]

🚫 Stop the Drama 🚫

I've been in the therianthrope community since 2017. I started out on Amino, and then went to instagram, tumblr and now Tiktok. Unsurprisingly, drama is present on each one. The endless bickering, cancelling and toxicity seems to start from nowhere. And most often, its senseless, unnecessary... and very much pointless.

Drama doesnt solve problems. It doesnt help make the community a better place. It doesn't encourage positivity. It doesn't do shit.

Drama isn't always what people think it is either. It comes in many forms. Like;

- bewares with no supportive evidence for their claims

- cancelling people you had a disagreement with

- involving the public in to your personal matters

- posting about serious topics without any real educational information (zoophiles, pedophiles, grooming, culture appropriation, mental health, etc),

- discrimatory exclusion

- bullying

- encouraging toxic trends

Etc...

All of this is consitant in the Therianthrope community and many others. And people obsess and feed off of it all. It creates negative energy for everyone. And like a poison, it KILLS the community. It brings it down. And even forces folks to leave because it is no longer welcoming.

STOP. THIS. MADNESS.

It is infuriating, to see drama upon drama. In a community you would expect nothing more than sharing therianthropic experiences, nature, volgs, gear and masks... there is so much POTENTIAL, but the drama keeps coming. And it never stops. So PLEASE. Let's try to do good in this community. Make it a safe space for adults and kids alike. Make it comforting, inclusive, welcoming... make it a REAL community.

I'm not saying to stop cutting out the bad weeds like zoophiles or racists or groomers, but if you'll post about it. Make sure to have REAL evidence. Otherwise, you are creating pointless drama that will NEVER actually solve any damn problem.

Anyways, I really felt the need to address this, because I WANT this place to be free and safe. I want positivity and i want people to feel welcomed, especially when the majority of the world already treats therians horribly. This especially goes for adults, because we are responsible for out actions. And its our job to pose a good example.

Thank you for those who've read, and for those who may share this message. There is nothing I want more than to stop unnecessary drama. 💚

(No, im not innocent. I've fed into drama before. And i am responsible for it all. My goal is to keep being positive and inclusive. And to I keep educating myself and speaking up against negativity.)

#alterhuman #otherkin #therian #therians #therianthrope #coyote therian #therianthropy #wolf therian #cat therian

[rice-enjoyer]

Hues of gray, black, and white ; a lifeless monochrome lie.

Continuation of my unsympathetic [y/n] sagau brainrot with some crisp, fresh, and new Thoughts! Inazuma version, Mond verison here! Liyue version coming hopefully soon!

cw: gn reader, x reader format but all relationships written are platonic(unless.. you want them to be romantic, tried to write these in a way that it can be read as such in most situations.)

some of my fave Inazuman genshin characters interacting with you. not proofread, the other one was, i feel like there's a quality difference but the brainrot is taking over so no thoughts ; hit post. gorou is my sweet lap dog but im willing to share just this once. yes i want to study ayato's brain under a microscope how did you know

--

Being so, so tired after giving a speech in Inazuma, finding comfort in Kujou Sara's strong arms, her being a bit too excited that you rant about your day to her because you remind her of the Shogun. Uncanny similarities in the way you carry yourself in private - She'd think.

Gossiping with Yae Miko. You say "Hate is a strong word, however, I do dislike some of them, if I'm being honest." Her eyes almost sparkle with mischief as you say that, feeling honored, that out of everyone, she's your trusted source for gossip and keeper of secrets.

Raiden Ei sees herself in you, of course, you two become friends quickly! She too, exploited others to make her position more comfortable, you understand each other. Caressing her hands, telling her that she did her best because she truly did! That is how you see it, anyway.

Meeting Ayato was not smooth sailing, unlike the others. When you first met him, he teased you about your act (Miko couldn't keep her mouth shut, but it's best that you will never know that)until you, well, snapped. It took a little over an hour, but you did. A hand, your hand placed on his shoulder, a bit too tight for comfort. "Good job. Is this what you wanted? Curiosity sometimes kills that cat, you know." Informing him in such a way that it almost sounds like you were talking down to a mere insect. Thoma was about to greet you both when you turned to him in complete sync. With smiles as fake as they come. "Hm, so that was his ulterior motive to show how similar we are, how very...interesting. I must visit whenever our schedules don't overlap"

A pair you meet rather frequently with is Kokomi and Gorou. Kokomi did tell you sheepishly that if you go in public, she will get tired from your performance. If you are in private? Your calmness helps her focus on potential battle plans and other matters. Gorou is a little scared of you, since you remind him of Yae Miko. To set a scene that happens oh so very often, sweet Gorou is sitting next to you while your hand scratches and pets his soft little ears. "If anyone were to see the general of all people like this..." You hum, looking at him, only to see him averting his eyes, tail wagging like crazy. And you smile. But this one was genuine. Gorou looked at you, in awe. He was the first person(in Inazuma, don't let it get to his head too much!) to make you smile! He's going on and on about how there's a clear difference, and he's so happy to have seen it.

You aren't necessarily on bad terms with Heizou, his intuition is just telling him that something is off about their loving god, that's all. When you do tell him, he's not surprised at all. You express it to him, in confidence that you'd never want to break the children's hearts, that their god is not who they think they are. That the sweet and loving words are almost always fake. That you could never be tolerated, let alone loved and adored like this - you sigh. - "A sign of weakness, I apologize that it took over me in such an improper manner. How is your new case going? Have you found any leads yet?" The only thing left from that moment of sweet vulnerability is the bitter aftertaste.

#genshin impact sagau #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact x you #genshin impact ayato #genshin impact kujou sara #genshin impact yae miko #genshin impact kokomi #genshin impact gorou #genshin impact heizou #rice is writing #sagau #self aware genshin #unsympathetic creator sagau

[morguemaw]

Important.

So. I wanted to make this post, and my brother, and girlfriend have supported me. My brother knows this entire situation, but i wanted to come out about it because it has dealt alot of mental toll on me, and im scared of this creator. No, i dont want to interact or start drama. No, dont mention me to him. No, i dont want his apology. No, i dont want any pity. I just want to tell my story because it happened before, happened to me, and just because he has a "soft gay boy nice boy" attitude does NOT mean it wont happen again. What ill go over in this post roughly/you will get the impression of is;

Why i hate comparison

Why im fast to jump at conclusions/be defensive

and Why i mention my trauma with the UTMV community, specially under posts regarding art, art style, characters or character design.

And no, im not even posting this to try and tell people im some snowflake who cant handle criticism or compression, this is targeted to the people who have ill intent with those and go as far as to label things others do as copying or ripping off.

Yes, im okay. Yes, im going to continue what i do. No, im not wanting to send anyone after him. Please, just read what i have and understand that the way i am is because of something i have kept to myself and only 2-4 other people for the past 5 years.

Introduction.

To get it started, ill be calling this creator, he/him, by his publicly known name. However, ill also possibly switch from his name, to part of his username/nickname.

This creator in question, is the content creator named Lizherubones, also known as TwistedBones, thebastardbutcher ( here on tumblr, too. ) , ButcherZone, and his oldest username, Zippy3006. He sounds familiar because he was one of the bigger creators in the UTMV, back in the dark ages of fontcest being the normal. However, i will call him William, as that is his name, and its public information. He also goes by Will, so im sorry if i call him any variation of those names/usernames.

Other things you may read about in this is an old discontinued app called DoodleClub, a OC of mine named Ezher who is the reason why im making this post, as i wanted to draw and post him again, but the timeline will be abit scattered as trauma and blocked out memories happened because of this, however another important person, despite being lightly mentioned is another victim who i will simply call Az as of right now.

Ill try to keep this as short as i can within reason, there will be time gaps, there will be references to previous things mentioned, and if it gets rough i may even stumble on how i type and mention things too soon or later on, im very sorry.

The Start.

During the time of 2015-2016, i had first found Undertale. During it, i joined a app called DoodleClub, its where i met my brother, Glitchy. During this time, i had also joined Tumblr. With the rise and popularity of Undertale, i had seen alot of artists, some other popular names you may recognize is NSFWshamecave, BlogTheGreatRouge, and a few others whom aren't important to the story other then to get the gist of it, Lizherubones was one of the artists i had encountered, and grew attached to. I adored his style. To me, it was a perfect mesh of cartoony and pleasing aesthetics and anatomy that i just.. Well i loved it. This is when i got stupid. On DoodleClub, i would post artwork of either 100% traced or partly traced artwork of his, along with my own where i weakly attempted to mimic his style. Soon tho, i got too comfortable. Sometimes i sent him asks on or off anon, i drew him fanart, and on DoodleClub i even changed my username to "Twisted Bones", because i really liked that name. However, sometime a user, who i will just call Nutty for right now since its what i remember them by, they found out. Slowly, a few others did, and Nutty ended up reporting me to William. Now during this i never got screenshots, one screenshot i remember Nutty posting was one of William saying i was a loser for tracing, or something similar but equally short.

This ended fast, as people were on my side. But it didnt end there. Same day Nutty reported me, and word got out, i decided to confront William myself. I explained that i was sorry, i wouldnt do it again, and i saw him as a idol and wanted forgiveness. I was terrified and at my grandmothers trying to hide me talking to a almost 30 year old man about traced work. The first trauma tick with him, was when he threatened legal action against me, saying and i quote, 'Your parents will have to pay alot of money'.

May i tell you a few things;

I was a CHILD at the time. 11-12 years old, not even classified as a Teen yet. I couldnt legally be sued.

He lives in Chile Brazil, i live in Michigan USA. After about a year, and also after a third situation that happened that caused me to do alot of at the time feeling smart teen research, he couldnt have even attempted a law suit because of the fact i wasnt making money off the traced work, and that the laws are different in both states and countries regarding copyrighted content. Not just that but.. He was too far, and would have to come to me. Which again, different locations = different laws, and so on.

As stated above, i made 0 money or even thought to off his traced content. In my mind at the time, i just traced to learn the style, and ill even say it that from what i remember, i didnt trace enough to have it be my main thing.

After this, he commanded me to delete all my work, and to never return to the internet. Which i did.

Return of the Deja Vu (Instagram Arch).

Skipping to 2017, my slow return to the internet. I had gotten Instagram and decided i still wanted to draw. However, like a cow being branded, his style still stayed in my mind. Though, this time it was just muscle memory.

During both this interaction and the previous, both times William had stated his art , characters, and even worse the colors used on them were copyrighted.

In the end of this, because the more important one comes next, is people kept tagging him in my work. Saying it was familiar, asking if it was his characters, ect. Which lead to him messaging me on my now forgotten account, once again threatening the law to me. This time, however, i just told him to leave me alone as i wasnt doing anything. He had also made comments and remarks on my artwork like, "This just looks like a human version i did", or "Looks like a draw i made." ect, ect. I had made a very old, possibly lost Reddit account talking about this, which was made just within the same week of him telling me these. This situation ended fast, mainly because i went inactive on this account. If the name Zure/Zhure sounds familiar, that was apart of my user at the time.

The Big Blowout (Twitter Arch).

This is where my links and pictures come in. All are screenshotted from Twitter. This is also where i can provide more proof of things. I will mostly gloss over everything, as its foggy for me. The timeline is roughly 2019. On twitter, i still was ignorant and blind to this all. Rose tinted glasses. I wanted to just be seen by someone i looked up to and just get a small sorry if he even felt any pity. On Twitter, i began posting. I began to also like his art, but never followed. Just to try and gain his attention. This ended badly, however. After i first not only made a suggestive Human Swap Sans, at the time not realizing at this point what i was doing was taking inspiration from him rather then trying to copy, but i had also made a OC named Ezher.

Ezher was the main breaking point.

This is Ezher;

As you can clearly see, yes, he looks alot like William's own OC, Rheiz. , However, i remember clearly the source of what i liked most about Rheiz was the marks in his hair and the dark to light hoodie he wore. Something extremely important, but when i made Ezher, William was a faint memory to me at the time. So when i say source pf his OC, it was a distant memory and i didnt think much when i created him. Off topic note, but turns out that while talking to someone William considers a close friend, all i did was make Ezher half red, half blue and that made Ezher original. Who knew a color tied his fate. Sound familiar? Thats because mentioned earlier, William told me previously that he had characters that were copyrighted. He also mentioned that using the same colors as his characters was wrong, too.

Ezher will be getting a update and will be coming back. When Will found out about this, is when shit hit the fan. I got many, many @'s like this;

^ Mind you in the last screenshot, i was trying. I really was. A user named SnoweyBones also made a message on their Twitter, telling people to report me. This got my acc taken down. This is only a small part of what i personally could find. I roughly remember screenshotting the DMs + others, but they are either lost to time or something else.

If you couldnt tell, the gist of it was, William had made a post about me somewhere which in return led to a mob.

This scared me off the internet for abit, and i went into hiding for awhile until my brother started to give me more confidence, and i realized that everything that happened,

was all because someone was egotistical about a artstyle and monochromatic color scheme.

^ That was my old account. Very easy to find however, so it is what it is.

Things i found, Things you should know.

To once again clarify, im not seeking pity nor revenge. Im wanting to shed light and say my story about this artist, because this isnt the first time he has done this, let alone something terrible.

William has attacked another creator, this same creator he is following on Twitter and acting like nothing happened.

There was a situation creepily similar to mine that occurred not too long before my own. Similar insults and similar situations.

v link

William has a history of attacking other creators. His reasoning is that his own trauma is the cause of his actions. I have trauma with him, and the furthest i ever went was when someone used my characters (in my eyes) unique name for themselves and created a sexual variant of my OC without my consent and proceeded to openly complain, insult, and suicide bait members around them because i rightfully called them out for doing something with something of mine i didnt like, didnt let them do, nor would have ever consented to.

To sum it up.

Im not doing this as revenge. Im not doing this as pity. Because again, a close friend of his helped me and made me feel better during his final attack on me and helped me still connect to a OC of mine.

Im doing this because its for me a traumatic experience and a reason why i tend to act the way i do. Im scared to post certain characters, art, or ect without the fear of him coming around or others comparing me to him.

Again, my OC Ezher was the starting point of this. I want to draw him and love him again, but im scared of William.

Even if i have a whole redesign in mind, even if he doesnt remember me or even bother with me, even if no one cares or even if the community now isnt so butthole tight about stupid things like similar color schemes or aesthetics, its still something that affects me and has affected how enjoy the fandom.

Repeating this, but im not even posting this to try and tell people im some snowflake who cant handle criticism or compression, this is targeted to the people who have ill intent with those and go as far as to label things others do as copying or ripping off.

[biomegasin]

Tw angry and preachy rant

If I wasn’t already fully disillusioned w the American left…. People posting infographics all day and then vaguely calling people out for not posting infographics has me fully depressed. Like congrats on doing the most passive thing possible as far removed from taking any real action or making politics part of your day to day life which is the only way to ever actually make change happen -.- and I will b preachy and on a high horse abt it bc I work manual labor full time have like 10 hobbies and crippling unmedicated psychotic delusional anxiety and depression and yet take time once a week to organize readings actions etc w fellow Amerikans across the left spectrum trying to fucking absolve myself for this country’s crimes. It just speaks to the fact that we r soooo isolated and soooo afraid of leaving our comfy ‘alt’ bubbles never having to work w people whose only interests in common are anger and liberation. Like I think we r taught to sedate that in favor of being an individualist which leads to people believing posting from the comfort of your home is actually going to do anything…. Like maybe inform some of your followers potentially change a mind or two? That’s good but. The people yelling terrorist in the streets at Palestinians im marching w don’t follow me on insta. The only thing that could ever enlighten the American public is large amounts of people banding together in the real world and making noise in the real world, consistently. People making all out posts about those being silent right now r have been silent in the past and will b silent posting selfies and coffee pics on insta again soon I’m sure. If u call urself a leftist Politics should be a apart of your daily life even when there isn’t a 70 yr long genocidal crisis coming to a head and if it isn’t you should feel guilty you aren’t struggling to uphold the legacy of the struggle of the black panthers and Maoists who were cointelpro’d in this country FR. But yeah I’m not posting on my FUCKING instagram story lmao. I guess that’s to say I think there are specific resources that specific people can post that are helpful. It’s just honestly kind of sickening to see what average progressive American thinks passes as political engagement

[noise-misato-3-twink-eater]

Katie IM SO SCARED. I've been considering changes I never have before? I kind of hate my face and want to eradicate every photo of myself? Is it normal to see how beautiful and how much fun trans ladies are having and feel envious? What if someone tries out transition just as a prank but it doesn't go well? Can you go back? I had this really weird (but extremely cisgender) dream?? Do you think more girls want ugly cis boyfriends or like goth trans dommes? I just want to have an easy, simple life. I'm really scared and I don't want to make my life worse. How do I know if I'm just falling for the "if you can't get goth gf then become goth gf" meme? That's probably all it is, right? I'm not trans

Could you just please say I'm not trans?

It sounds like you know what path to take, just look at how you've worded some of this, hun....

I hate my old face and made an entirely new and curated personal social media presence to distance myself from that part of me and am even getting FFS now, i was sick with envy over the trans community on here to the point that it eventually made me a crazy person, you can absolutely transition as a bit but you'll quickly find you won't want to go back even tho you absolutely can. Hmmmm ugly man or goth domme idk what lesbians want I'll have to get back to you on that.

As for an easy and simple life, that's...unfortunately not in the cards for any of us. This IS going to bump the difficulty to hardcore, I can't sugarcoat things. Even for the most privileged girls, it's a fucking struggle and you're gonna lose partners and friends and possibly family and definitely your mind so so many times...but holy fucking shit I couldn't ever go back, I am finally so content with who I am and what I'm doing, like....fuck I love being trans so goddamn much. Living in a very queer friendly area is a huge help tbh, the physical access to community has literally saved me.

Girl the first post I made post-transition was something like 'become the goth GF you want to see in the world'...if you can't stop thinking about it, you should probably try it and see how it feels. If it's not for you, no harm no foul, and nobody needs to know about it. You can stealth transition and just boymode in public and practice looks in private until you're comfortable.

This all sums up to me having to politely decline to your last request as I regretfully inform you that you could very well be trans, honey. As I've said before, cis people don't have to wonder this hard about it

#also this is on the gay trans website just sayin

[cybrthrillz]

ok i wasnt assuming anyone experiences hypersexuality the same way... i said nothing even remotely close to that. i was saying hypersexuality isnt an excuse to disrespect clear boundaries you being allo has absolutely nothing to do with you going through the process of posting art publically of someone elses characters despite knowing theyre not comfortable with it but you brought it up in the first place as some kind of justification? or explanation? when its not related at all. its messed up to blame your actions which you have entire control over on hypersexuality when it is genuinely just you being a bad person. creators expressed theyre not comfortable with something dont post it its literally as simple as that it doesnt matter if you have people you wanna share your nsfw art with on here when again its something the creators dont want spread in the first place. it is so easy to keep it to yourself.

when i said dont assume that people experience hypersexuality the same way it was because you brought up that youve had experiences with it before. ive been having to deal with it since i was very young, it made me think and do horrible morally obtuse things id rather not get into and have been trying to improve but its hard when its always in the back of my mind and not entirely in my control. i wanted to point it out because i didnt appreciate the comparison.

i brought it up in my original post as an explanation though, not an excuse. in regards to my posting im still asking a bunch of people how i should move forward considering i just learned this information 12 hours ago at midnight. ill likely make a decision in a few days.

#cybraskz

[windwardstar]

that one t post

Since there's some of y'all who showed interested, here's the big rundown of my experiences with T. This covers being on T for 3 month at 26, stopping it for a few years, then the first 9 months of being on T at 28. Contains the changes that have happened while I’ve been on T + the interactions with my other health conditions + the process of accessing care. It’s safe for work/reading in public as far as any puberty/medical body talk is. Word count is ~8k.

T round 1 (2019 - I was 26)

If you followed me back in 2019, you might recall me getting on T at the end of that year.

I didn’t have a PCP and was in a very conservative state which made me concerned about finding a trans friendly provider, so I decided to go through Planned Parenthood knowing it was informed consent. The PP that had a gender clinic and was open on my day off was on the other side of the state/2 hour drive one way. But also, when I went to book an appointment they had one for the same week/the next day so I didn’t have to wait. I had insurance through my work that partially covered the visit, the lab work, and the prescriptions. This was out of network for my insurance so I paid more than if it was in network. My local pharmacy was the Sam’s Club which has $4 prescriptions for members- which is what I ended up paying as it was significantly cheaper than my insurance co-pay. (I did not get a prescription for a sharps container and bought one from the local store.) I got my supplies in 3 month batches and didn’t have any issues with the pharmacy.

At the appointment, I was given a big packet of “side effects” (aka the desired results) it included a handy chart of when certain changes would likely happen. My provider went over it with me to make sure I knew what to expect, and asked me a couple questions about my gender identity and transition goals to get a feel for me and make sure this was what I wanted. I was completely out at work and socially. I had very recently moved out of an abusive homelife and was catching my feet mental health wise, but I was in therapy at the time and on medications that had been as a consistent dose for about a year (aka: mental health problems were well controlled), so the doctor was comfortable prescribing me T. We decided to try weekly injections first to limit potential high/lows on a longer dose cycle.

The Labs for this provider were Initial Labs, 3 Months, 6 Months, Then Yearly. My 3 Month Labs hit right at the start of Covid Lockdown, I wasn’t able to get in for them (perpetually overlapping quarantines at work yo), the shift to telehealth hadn’t happened, and then I ran out of my psych meds (antidepressant and an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer) so my executive functioning skills went bye-bye for a while. So I couldn’t get my prescription renewed and had to stop T after like 3 months. 

I took Testosterone Cypionate (0.25 ML, 0.50 MG) by Intramuscular (IM) Injections in my thigh once a week. The syringes had a twist on/off for the needles themselves (bigger one for the drawing up, smaller for the injection). They hurt a lot for me. I’d get a bruise around the injection site and the muscle would be very sore for 2-3 days after and hurt when I walked or used the muscle. It wasn’t enough to make me want to stop, but it wasn’t pleasant.

(Because of the long drive, the doctor didn’t have me come back for the first shot, just confirmed I was comfortable administering it myself and knew the process. She said if I ran into problems there were youtube videos I could look at or I could call.)

I did have issues with my needle phobia, but before getting to the part of actually seeking out access to T, I’d done a lot of work to manage it. The few years prior to starting T, I’d had to get a lot of blood drawn for lab work, several IVs, and quite a few vaccines which had helped me calm down so I was no longer having panic attacks around needles. The biggest thing that helped though was mental work and visualization. I started out just contemplating the concept of T injections in the abstract, then read posts with people talking about injections, looked at visuals of needles/syringes and people administering them. The last step was then thinking about giving myself injections and visualizing it. The whole time I tried to associate it with all the positive things I’d hoped to get from T and reminding myself the injections/ivs/blood draws of the previous years had all been perfectly fine and my anxiety was not reflecting what actually happened. (I also got a tattoo a month or so before I started T and after the initial anxiety I was mostly just fascinated by watching the tattoo gun, which was what really made me think I could do the T injections.) It took a long time to get to that point. When I started, I was only able to think about needles for a few seconds at a time. But I was able to give myself my first T shot with only a little anxiety (my hands shook a lot). And with each successful injection, the anxiety went down.

The Changes on T (1-3 Months):

Increased body hair. I noticed the hair on my thighs thickening and darkening around the injection sites, but not really much else. The peach fuzz on my face increased and I got a few dark hairs but there wasn’t really anything to shave. I think I shaved my face once because I wanted to not because there was anything to really shave…

Voice Changes: I sang quite a bit so I noticed that my lower register got fuller and the lowest end of my range got easier to access, but other than that there weren’t any vocal changes that I noticed. I didn’t get any voice breaking or cracking.

Bottom Growth: Yeah, there was some of that. Enough I noticed. Things also got very very sensitive and painful. OTC pain meds and ice packs helped. Loose clothes. Also manspreading. 

Periods: They got lighter and less painful almost immediately, and I skipped one 3 months in. Then I ran out of T and got my period back the next month.

Acne:  I didn’t get acne until the 3 month mark or so, but that also coincided with the start of wearing masks. It got really painful so I started using the OTC acne cream I used in high school, and it cleared up to something manageable once I was off T. (My teenage acne hit HARD at 13 and didn’t clear up until I was 24.)

Nightmares: The first month I started getting a significant increase in nightmares/remembering them upon waking up. This may have been because I had just moved into my own place and escaped an abusive environment, but my therapist at the time mentioned that nightmares were a common thing for people starting T (it is a big hormone change so y’know).

Other Changes: there may have been some, but it’s been a few years so I don’t really remember.

T round 2: 9 Months (2022 started at 28)

The goal was always to get back on T. It just took a while. Cross country move (liberal state now yo), new job, getting new insurance. Once I did, I had to figure out where to get T again. The planned parenthoods were all booked months out and none open for gender clinic stuff on my days off. 

I went through my doctor’s office, found out they have a special gender health program for trans people and transferred care to them. I had to wait like a month to get an appointment, but it means my PCP/GP is versed in trans care and does all my hormones. The experience is fantastic. The whole office used my chosen name and pronouns before they got legally changed and had the ability to change the display name on my chart so everyone would use the correct one.

The initial visit was via phone. It was a lot of the same causal “tell me about yourself and your transition goals” as the last time. We skipped a lot of the “this is what t will do” since I already knew it, and folded it in with talking about my experience being on T previously, what I liked, what I hoped for, what I found difficult, etc. I was off the psych medications I had been on the last time, but since I’d been off for two-ish years and was stable, I was ok to restart T. We started me off on the same dose and frequency I had been on previously, but because the IM had been painful, we switched to SubQ.

I didn’t need any initial lab work done, but I’ve done them every 3 months after starting. I had to go in person to pick up my prescription (which I did the next morning after my initial telehealth visit, the pharmacist called the insurance to get the authorization & everyone there was super great) and meet with the nurse to administer my first shot. The doctor poked her head in to say hi in person.

My insurance covers the visits, lab work, and prescriptions. I did have to get prior authorization and have a letter from the insurance company stating my T prescription is approved for a year. I got a prescription for a sharps container this time since the stores did not have any on the shelves. (The pharmacy was out of the small ones too, so I ended up with the big gallon size. It takes up a ton of space under the sink, but it should last me several more years before I have to dispose of it.) My needles also just have a smooth pop on/off to attach to the syringe.

For the first six months, the depo was a 0.25ML/0.50 MG SubQ injection once a week. Because there were certain changes I wasn’t seeing, at 6 months my dose was increased to 0.40ML/0.80MG SubQ once a week.

The SubQ injections basically don’t hurt after I’ve injected them. A couple times I injected them too quickly (just sticking the needle in and pressing down on the plunger too hard and forcing the liquid in, then pulling the needle out immediately) and those are when I’ve noticed redness, swelling, and soreness around the injection site. So my process for minimal pain and bleeding: wait until I’ve got cool skin (not right after a shower), inject slowly, count to 10 before pulling out the needle. Warming up the vial in my hands so the T isn’t cold and making sure everything is dry from the alcohol swabs before injecting also helps with the initial injection pain.

The anxiety around needles has basically all disappeared so I have no issue giving myself injections.

(I have a problem with my T vials crystallizing. I’ve found they take ages to dissolve, so I stick them in a pocket/waistband to keep them warm against my skin for an hour or so as I go about my morning, shaking it every now and then to see how it’s doing. I do my shot on my day off when I generally have time to do that. This time it’s Fridays. Last time it was Wednesdays.)

I started T (again) in April 2022 at 28

(Idk how the math works on these changes when you start/stop/restart on T. I wasn’t able to find anything. Probably because there’s not enough data on it. Given the length of the break, the T levels in my system had definitely reset, and I hadn’t been on T very long previously. Some of my changes went faster than the expected timeline, some slower, some about the same. So know there’s a parenthetical +3 months to all of this.)

Voice Changes: I noticed a continuation of the pattern from the last time. My lower register got much fuller and easier. My upper range started getting harder to reach. Nothing cracking or breaking, but there were some notes I was struggling to reach by the time the choir concert rolled around in mid-May. I started off bordering soprano/alto and was clinging to the alto range before we broke for summer (1-2 months)

I caught COVID from work over Memorial day (~2 months in) and my voice cracked a bit. I went into COVID being able to talk, was sick for a week, and then when the Covid cleared my voice was fried. I sounded terrible talking. Singing wise, my lower range had extended and my upper had come down, but I was still easily able to slip into my head voice.

Started Summer Choir at the end of June. I spent the first few weeks feeling like the songs were a little low for my range. Then things shifted again (~3months) and my singing range shrank to about 3 notes, I could not reliably open my mouth and make a sound, my breath control disappeared. I had one volume I could sing in, no going louder or softer or the sound would disappear. I sounded like a squeaky clarinet. (I did a very good seagull impression.) It was terrible and I loved every minute of it because it was so euphoric. I didn’t sound like a girl. I was firmly in the Tenor range. I was experiencing the puberty I’d always wanted to. (It was hard to tell with the first drop since it happened while I had COVID, but the second time my voice really cracked, I also had a really dry and sore throat.)

Enter August (~4 Months) my range was starting to re-expand. The low notes/chest voice coming back first. I was also figuring out how to make noise with the new instrument, because speaking and singing is all muscle memory. Which meant everything I knew previously was basically irrelevant at best and counter productive at worst. My brain would know how to produce a note on my pre-t vocal chords, so it would try to do what it had done before and either a) nothing would come out because my vocal chords are no longer capable of producing those notes or b) it would come out but be much lower. (I’m still working on retraining this 9 months in. My mental voice and physical voice do not match. I still think I sound like my pre-t self. Like, the thinking voice in my head sounds like my pre-T voice, it hasn’t dropped yet. Which makes singing difficult because I don’t know intuitively how I sound now. I have to adjust once I start making noise.) I was able to make my way through the concert at the end of August, but there were things too high for me since I wasn’t able to access that part of my range yet.

September/October/November/December (month 5-8) my singing range continued to expand and stabilize, the lower notes got much easier, volume control came back, my breath control returned with practice, and some access to my head range. My voice fatigues easily, but that’s getting better too. The vocal fry/clarity of my voice is getting better as well. I had to stop multiple times per rehearsal over the summer, but by December I was able to make it almost the whole rehearsal before reaching my limit. I do not have a smooth transition between notes and get stuck in low gear so to speak. Pre-t my favorite things to sing were songs where I jumped around my entire range. I miss that flexibility, but there are new things to enjoy singing now. I’m also only 9 (+3) months in, and my voice is going to continue to develop. My goals right now are just to continue exploring my singing voice as things change, and to try and get my brain to match what the new pipes can do. 

(January 1st, Month 9 (aka today while I was waiting to do a final round of edits on this post) I had a moment where things finally clicked into place for my singing voice. I was singing while doing the laundry, and I was just able to actually sing without feeling any strain. It felt easy and natural coming out. I had to focus on what I was singing to a degree, but not to the exclusion of doing other activities. The sound didn’t crack or disappear on me, and I didn’t run out of breath mid phrase. I was able to actually sing. It was also a moment where I was able to hear my voice and think “this is what I sound like, this is my voice” as opposed to the transitory state it’s existed in since I first started noticing changes. It’s also just a sense of feeling completed and right. I cried, and there was joy, but the predominant emotion was just feeling that things had finally aligned into where they were meant to be and an overwhelming settling peace.)

My biggest thing right now is just how much more air it takes to make sound, speaking or singing. My laugh has turned from a giggle to just blowing air out through my teeth or a bunch of kekekekeke where the sound is from my tongue stopping the air rather than my vocal chords making noise. Singing, I am having to breathe much more frequently than before. Speaking, I sometimes don’t do enough air and sound doesn’t come out. I go nonverbal A LOT more than before because the physical act of speaking has become harder. That initial start up to making noise is sometimes more than my brain can figure out in the moment.

My speaking voice has also changed a lot. The pitch has dropped, it’s gotten much rougher, but I tend to speak in a very femme manner. People have definitely noticed it’s dropped, but it sounds more “cold/laryngitis” than “guy.” People have definitely started reacting differently when they hear me speak over the phone, but I’ve yet to get any comments and it’s not been enough to keep strangers from misgendering me. I have the ability to sound like a guy, there are times when I am relaxed and can hear it come out. The bulk of how my speaking voice sounds is from how I’m using it. I sound like a girl to others because of all those aspects of speech that have nothing to do with how high or low it is. (Aka sounding like a guy at this point for me is about technique not physical ability. This is where speech therapists would be useful.) My dysphoria over my voice has essentially disappeared. I love my voice now, and I’m filled with so much excitement over seeing what else unfolds with it as I get used to it and how to use it. 

Acne/Skin Stuff: First off, Puberty 1.0 gave me terrible acne. It set in at like 13. Regardless of what I did as a teenager, I was unable to really control it. I had products but they didn’t really work and my mother wouldn’t get me to a dr for it. My skin was dry and oily. It would crack and peel and bleed and had reactions to every product I put on it. It got better in my twenties and was mostly gone by the time I was 24. It came back when I started T the first time + Covid Masking at 26. But by that point I’d found an acne cream + lotion combination of products that kept things almost clear.

I expected to have acne bad again on T because that’s just what my body does with hormones. By the end of the first month the acne was back. It progressed to being painful cystic acne by 3 months. I told my doctor and got a prescription cream. I’m meant to use it twice a day, I did at first, but it made my skin too dry, so I use it mostly once a day (generally after I’ve showered). I use it + a plain lotion for moisturizing/keeping things from getting too dry. I still have pretty bad acne, my face is red and skin is perpetually breaking out. But it’s not painful, and that’s my biggest goal with controlling acne. Especially because I react very strongly to products on my skin.

My acne still gets worse around my periods, so I know a lot of it is hormonal stuff going on. There’s some slight increase in body acne, but nothing that I even have to put cream on as it’s not painful and goes away on its own. The acne usually appeared in spots where hair was growing in for like a week or so while the hair started growing in thicker/darker.

The rest of my skin also got super oily. And I got super sweaty. And smelled funky for a little while. Previously I showered and washed my hair every other day because that was the balance of keeping my scalp happy. My skin also couldn’t handle more than that as it would get too dry and crack even with lotion. 1-2 months in, I was showering every day, over the summer (~3-6 months) I was showering once in the morning and once at night (mostly because sweat, but also smell) and washing my hair every day. I did not really experience any dry skin. Somewhere around the 7 month mark, that all decreased. 9 months in, I’m showering every day (with an extra shower if I get gross) and still have no problems with dry skin on my body.

The T has affected my scalp*. I started reacting to the shampoo I’d been using for years about a month or so into starting T. I switched to a different shampoo that worked for the most part, but then started causing problems about 7-8 months in. I’m currently trying a new shampoo + washing every other day or so, and hoping it works. This is getting brought up at my next appointment either for medicated shampoo or a referral to the derm if the current shampoo doesn’t work. *I don’t know if it’s causing a reaction to the products, or if there’s some interplay of the increased oils + increased sweat + my hair being wet for longer + more washings causing more dryness and more irritation + the hair dryer causing more irritation. All I know is my scalp is hurting and I am trying to figure out why + what I can do to make it stop.

Aka: I had terrible acne during puberty 1.0. Puberty T.0 is running about the same in terms of getting acne, but I’m able to manage it so much better because I’ve a) found a lotion I can apply to my face to help with the dryness and b) got a doctor to prescribe acne cream that actually helps. I’m having worse scalp problems now though, but working to manage them.

Facial Hair/Body Hair/Head Hair:

I started getting dark hairs on my chin first. It was within the first 3 months. It also coincided with the acne. Because my skin is so sensitive and the acne was so bad, I decided to use an electric razor since it doesn’t cut as close and tends to result in fewer nicks and cuts and ingrown hairs. I would not have been able to use a razor without cutting myself at the start. I also tend to react to shaving cream so the electric razor allowed me to not have to figure that aspect out too. I started off every few days, then every other day. Somewhere around 6 months I started needing to shave every day to keep the stubble away. If I have a few days off in a row I’ll skip the shaving so I can see what it looks like, but I shave clean if I have to work.

I’m not really sure when the body hair started growing. I noticed the leg hair on my thighs started growing in a little thicker and there was a bit more hair on my belly 4-5 months in (mostly because the bandaids from my shots started hurting when I pulled them off lol.) At 9 months I’ve noticed the hair on my arms and thighs has gotten darker and a little thicker, and my belly has gotten a lot more dark and thick hair, and there’s some chest hair appearing. I want to say somewhere around 6-7 months, I really started noticing the body hair and getting euphoric and happy about getting fuzzy. (Idk about lower leg hair since I frequently shave it due to wearing compression socks and finding them sensory hell and painful with leg hair.)

(Also got more hair on the butt and the butt crack, which was making getting clean after pooping during colitis flares difficult. Solution I’ve found is shaving/trimming that area (you know how it works with long-haired cats and dogs?) and using wet wipes if needed.)

One thing I did notice for both my facial hair and body hair, is that my skin would get mildly itchy the week or so before I started noticing more hair growing, and would continue for that first week or so + there tended to be some ingrown hairs during that stage. It was rather similar in feeling to what my underarms or legs feel like when I shave them and the hair starts to regrow. The itchiness is pretty mild for me so I didn’t really do anything about it.

The spot I inject the T got darker thicker hair first. And by spots I mean like the circle immediately around the injection sites was noticeably darker and hairier than the surrounding body part. It’s evened out on my thighs since my SubQ are in my belly, and the belly is starting to even out 9 months in.

Head hair. It’s started thinning up top right around my part, and on the sides of my temple. Really only noticed it starting at the 8 month mark. I’m currently in the process of trying to figure out if this is related to the scalp issues (since they can cause hair loss) and reversible, or the permanent slow march of time kind of balding. I really like having long hair. It’s fun. I haven’t cut my hair (which would improve my chances of passing as a guy or at least not getting consistently gendered as a girl) because I like my hair. I want to keep it. 

I know finasteride and minoxidil are both things that can be used to treat it. I’m hesitant to use finasteride since it blocks DHT and I want the effects of that more than I want to keep my long hair. I’m worried about minoxidil exacerbating my scalp problems and causing more hair loss. 

I’m contacting family to find out more information about family history of hair loss (including the ones where there were auto-immune skin conditions that caused it) and will talk with the doctors to figure out what the best option for me is.

I was a lot more anxious about the potential balding when I first noticed, but after a couple months to process it I’m not as alarmed as I was. If I do go bald though, I like the idea of getting tattoos. It’s also something that hopefully will be slow enough that I’m not gonna lose everything right away and can still enjoy having long hair for a while. But also you know the meme, if you can’t produce your own, store bought is fine. Wigs do exist.

Muscles, Fat, and the whole Musculoskeletal Shit

My timeline on this is a little blurry. Mostly because I’ve always built muscle easily and been rather buff just through having jobs that require some level of physical labor. I’ve also got hypermobile joints + low back pain from falling down stairs in 2019 + chest, rib, & shoulder pain from binder (haven’t been able to bind since pre-pandemic) and bra. So my focus on/awareness of physical ability was less on ease of strength and more on whether or not I had pain that made breathing/movement difficult. I’m going to guess it was easier to build muscle fairly early since I did notice some other changes that would track with things being affected.

So first thing I noticed was that my hips weren’t as prone to slipping out of place as usual and the days where they were painful decreased as well as the level of pain. It got to a point where I basically wasn’t having hip pain except around my period (pre-T the pain would get worse around my period, this is a continuation of the existing pattern). I’m not sure if I noticed this by 3 months, but I did by 6 Months. My guess is that the T strengthened the connective tissues and helped build muscle to hold everything in place. When I did a lot of walking and fatigued my leg muscles, the hip pain would get worse pre-T, but now I don’t really notice that at all 9 months in. If I get sore after movement, it doesn’t knock me out for several days. I still have to be careful about how I’m sitting and sleeping as the joints can still get knocked out of place that way. But also, the threshold for pain happening is much higher and I have fewer days of it. I’ve also only had to use my cane a handful of times since starting T.

My rib/chest pain got less severe at some point… I know I’m able to tolerate wearing my bra all day without feeling pain most of the time. That shift happened some time over the summer. So 3-6 months. (This was because my body finally managed to heal from the injuries from binding and the stress injury from using the deli slicer 2-4 hours a day at work in 2018.)

My back pain has kind of been figuring out what makes it worse and better. It’s gotten better overall over the past 9 months, but idk how much I can attribute that to T and how much is just figuring out what makes it worse and not doing that. 

I’ve also noticed a significant decrease in flexibility. To the point I can stretch muscles I’ve never been able to stretch before. I can stretch my muscles without hyperextending joints. I started to resume a lot of the stretching I stopped in 2018 because whatever support my joints now have is enough that I don’t risk being too bendy to hold them all in place. My hands basically don’t dislocate/sublux any more, and the pain in them is gone. My grip strength has never been better. I can open water bottles without fucking up my fingers. (Aka T has definitely helped with the hEDS.)

My skin has also gotten thicker and less prone to getting cuts. If you follow me, you probably saw the post I made about the changes on that, but basically, my skin is tougher. It doesn’t get cut up as easily and I don’t bleed as easily. My mouth doesn’t get cut up as much by rough foods like toast and cereal and brushing and flossing doesn’t cause bleeding and tearing (no gum health issues this is just hEDS stuff, although I also notice the sensitivity of my gums fluctuate with my period), I don’t get papercuts as easily, sewing is a lot less bloody. This has made it slightly harder to put the needle through my skin for the T injections, it used to go in completely painlessly but somewhere around 6 months it started pinching a bit.

I also have a little adam’s apple now! Which I wasn’t expecting since I’m nearly 30 and I figured things wouldn’t shift too much. I started noticing it grow 3 months in or so when I would touch my throat and it slowly got just a bit bigger. 9 months in there’s something visible in my throat when I talk or swallow, just a tiny visible bump but it’s more than it was before! It also tends to sit REALLY high in my throat, which I know is also part of the problem I have with my voice being high and strained. I have a couple vocal exercises that lower it and my voice and reduce strain. But also this was one of the things I wanted but was realistically not expecting to get so !!!

As far as muscle and fat (re)distribution and such, I noticed somewhere around 4-5 months that when I looked in the mirror after showering so a) i didn’t have my glasses on and things were hella blurry and b) the mirror was somewhat fogged, I had a more masculine look. When my hair covered my chest (it was waist length at that point) there was just enough shifting of things to look masc. (My boobs have gotten somewhat flatter/deflated. Around my period I definitely get a feeling that they’ve gotten bigger/swelled back up.) 

Body wise, my shoulders have always been broad, and the ratio of tiny waist to huge hips has always been a source of dysphoria for me. There’s nothing T is gonna do about the underlying bones, but I have noticed my hips and thighs slimming down somewhat / my waist filling out. It’s changed my silhouette away from the hourglass and into something more masculine. It’s helped greatly with my dysphoria when I see myself in the above sink/counter level mirrors. (Full body mirrors/reflections are still hello dysphoria hips.) 

My shoulders also got slightly broader, my neck thicker, and my feet got slightly larger. I know for sure around 5-6 months, as I pulled out my long-sleeves for winter and the ones that had been tight and with no stretch the previous year were too tight to wear comfortably. I also pulled out my performance clothes which I hadn’t worn since month 2 on T, and had to let out the collar on my bowtie by a solid inch and get new shoes as the previous ones were too tight (again I’m almost 30, my feet bones didn’t grow but I did have to go up a shoe size).  I had thought around 4-5 months that my neck was getting thicker since it didn’t look quite as stick-like. Around that time my face also started looking a little swollen around the jawline. It may have been puffiness or just things shifting around. I’m faceblind so I don’t know if my face has changed, just around that time looking at my face made me think the jaws looked a bit like my sister’s did a week after getting her wisdom teeth removed. Whatever puffiness I saw then, I don’t notice now though.

Idk if I’ve gained or lost weight since I don’t own a scale and don’t actually pay attention to that because it’s not actually important. Shrug emoji. 

Periods & Bottom Growth:

If you’ve read this far you’ve probably guessed my periods didn’t stop early this time. As I stated, the first attempt at T, they stopped three months in. My third period came two weeks early this time when I caught COVID. We increased my dose at 6 months because my periods hadn’t stopped. My 8th period happened a week late. This month for the 9th I’ve gotten some light cramping and joint pain (but another week or two will tell if it’s stopped).

I did notice by 6 months the pain/cramping and other things associated with my period were less. (The flow decreased somewhat and the cramps were less severe. I was able to still walk and function with the OTC pain meds, and I had to take fewer for a shorter time frame to get relief. My blood pressure didn’t tank as drastically, so I wasn’t at risk of passing out every time I stood up on the first few days of my cycle each month. I didn’t get chills and shaking. I still get increased acne, bloated, migraines, and my joints all get loose and painful.)

(Outside of my period, my POTS has also drastically improved. Around 7-8 months, all I really started to notice is the tachycardia. The blood pressure problems aren’t forcing me to sit down to avoid passing out, my low blood pressure migraines have mostly disappeared, and my heat intolerance has drastically decreased. The heatwave in 2018 is what ended up with me in the hospital. I made it through the heatwave this year without too much difficulty. I still get migraines when I get too hot, and get weak and exhausted, but I recover within a day rather than a week. My migraines have tons of triggers, but overall I’ve gotten fewer of them since starting T. The only trigger that’s increased in causing them is my low blood sugar.)

Bottom growth has happened!!! I was ambivalent to slightly apprehensive about this part prior to starting the last time, but discovered pretty quickly I was actually really on board with it. For a while this time I was worried starting/stopping/restarting T meant I wasn’t getting any this time around. But the past month or so (month 9) has given me indications it was just taking a while to happen (like my periods not stopping 3 months as previously). This time, I haven’t experienced much in the way of pain + too much sensitivity, but the sensitivity has really increased in the past couple weeks so that may start again as well.

Appetite & blood sugar :

The increased appetite has probably been my biggest most noticeable thing in my day to day life and the only thing that has actually caused me distress (as opposed to annoyance and irritation with the acne). I noticed pretty quickly an increase in my appetite. This brought back problems with my blood sugar just crashing (and tanking my blood pressure with it) that I’d had while growing up. I would also wake up hungry in the middle of the night. 3 Months in it was the biggest change I noticed. 

6 months in I was up to eating every two hours, waking up twice at night, and if I skipped one my body would get ravenously hungry and would have headache and shaking. But I was also getting more used to the routine so I got better about keeping food on me and my blood sugar didn’t crash as often/as severely. My grocery budget effectively doubled so that was yikes to my bank account. I also couldn’t get full or stay full. I was constantly hungry. Since I had a history of food insecurity as a kid, the constant feeling of hunger was distressing and started making my anxiety and ptsd get worse. 

(There is a link between testosterone levels and blood sugar. Most of the data is on cis men. But the little information packet that comes in the box of my testosterone vial includes: In diabetic patients, the metabolic effects of androgens may decrease blood glucose and therefore, insulin requirements. Presumably, the doctors know to monitor this with diabetic patients and to mention it to them. But also, a reminder to read all the paperwork you’re given because neither of my prescribers mentioned this aspect to me, even when I mentioned having problems with my blood sugar dropping.)

9 months in, my appetite has decreased to pre-T levels which also coincided with getting heart burn/acid reflux for a solid week and a half. I’d never had a problem with that before, but I was also eating/drinking and then immediately laying down (aka eating right before bed and a midnight snack) for like six solid months, which is a big clue to the cause. The biggest surprise there is that it took six months to become a problem. I’ve been mindful of staying upright after eating and after a few days the problem went away.

Dysphoria, Mental Health, Mood and Energy;

T has been fucking amazing. Like. It’s fantastic and I’m thriving and have never felt so stable and capable of handling life. I can’t attribute everything to T because I’ve done a lot of work on my own mental health and my living situation improving (moving away from abusive family, getting engaged with friends and community, fulfilling job) but its positive impact on my mental health and general mood is undeniable.

My dysphoria is so much less than it was before. I love my voice now, I am starting to remember what it feels like to be comfortable in my body. There’re still a bunch of things that are dysphoria inducing that will take more time or surgery (top, hysto, bottom) to change and relieve, (and when I am reminded about the dysphoria inducing things like boobs and people misgendering me as a girl, it feels terrible and I want to crawl out of my skin). But the entire experience of being on T has been a daily blessing of euphoria as everything happens. 

I used to joke that you knew trans people were really trans because who else would willingly go through puberty a second time. Puberty 1.0 had been soul destroying terrible. I hadn’t had a single positive experience from it. Everything about puberty 1.0 had made me hate my body more and the changes just kept getting worse. I couldn’t imagine anyone willingly going through that a second time. Somehow despite knowing I wanted all the changes T would cause, my brain didn’t make the connection that I’d like the process aka puberty 2.0. I’d figured I’d suffer through puberty again and in the end I’d have a body I liked and was comfortable in, so it’d be worth all the suffering of puberty.

I was terribly wonderfully wrong. The first time I was on T, I didn’t really notice a ton of changes, but even the small ones I did I liked. It wasn’t terrible. And then, I was off T and the strength of my desire to get back on T and go through those changes was a physical ache. The past 9 months have been full of joy and excitement. Every little change I’ve noticed has made me happy and been something I loved to find. (Barring the acne, and hunger, and potential hair loss.)

Puberty 2.0 is so powerfully positive for me. I love it, and it’s letting me love my body.

My mood is a lot more stable than it was. With my dysphoria lessened, I’m not constantly feeling shitty about that which overall helped my mood. I’m not as depressed (and when I am, it’s so much more mild than before). My mood tends to be either in a stable state or hypo/manic. But there’s no irritability or violence or any of those fear mongering things. T didn’t suddenly change me into the TERF and bio essentialist’s boogey man. T doesn’t change your personality. If you have anger issues on T, you likely had them before. (Also I really want to stress this because I saw warnings about T and bipolar disorder for years: T did not make me irritable or angry or violent. It hasn’t changed the profile of my mood disorder to include symptoms that were never present.)

(As for crying. I don’t cry out of frustration or anxiety as much--which is likely because my mental health has improved and I’m not pushed into those strong negative emotions as often. But I tear up just as easily when I see heartwarming news stories or videos of puppies or see something heartbreaking on the news. I haven’t been cut off from health emotion, or healthy crying.)

Energy wise, I have so much more energy than I did before. I’ve managed to wake up easily all winter rather than take an hour to drag myself out of bed every day. I can work a 12 hour shift, and/or not take a nap and be fine with 8 hours of sleep (or less) at night. I can run around and do things on my days off. I have enough energy to function. I don’t have to have an entire day off just to sleep (although I still enjoy a good afternoon nap and sleeping in). 

I don’t notice my energy level fluctuating with my shot (I do weekly injections to avoid my levels fluctuating and causing other things to do so as well), but I did notice my energy levels increased within the first month. But! There’s also a lot of other things going on that are affecting my improved energy levels. Some of this might be because I actually started taking a vitamin d supplement (and I definitely notice less energy when I forget it). The lessening of my dysphoria has freed up a lot of mental energy for other things, the lessening of my dysphoria has lessened my depression* which gives me more energy, the reduction in joint pain + other chronic pain means I’m not constantly having that low drain on my energy and resting better at night, and the reduction in POTS symptoms means I’m not having that massive daily drain on energy reserves.

(*I’ve noticed an increase in energy at my stable baseline, and an increase in the sustained energy while hypo/manic from my pre-T mood cycles without an associated increase in the severity of other symptoms. My depressive moods have reduced in length and severity because there aren’t as many things fucking triggering me during them (which can also be attributed to the better living conditions and social connections, since I noticed this prior to restarting T), but I also have an increased energy during them as well. Which all tracks with the physical conditions improving and no longer draining my energy as much.)

(I still notice when my blood sugar drops, I get my period, or I have an anxiety attack that my energy levels for the day drop accordingly. But I’m also quicker to bounce back to my new baseline. My anxiety has more or less stayed the same. Also randomly feeling tired has become a much more reliable migraine aura because now being tired tends to have an easily identifiable cause.)

As I mentioned in the appetite section, there has been some downsides to my mental health while on T. The constant hunger was triggering for me, but since I'm in a stable environment and have money for food, it’s something I’ve been able to work through. I’ve also experienced more nightmares since being on T, especially around when I first started and when my dose was increased (biggest changes in hormone levels). But the nightmares also increased in general, which I also want to attribute to having more energy while on T. Before T I had a tendency to be so utterly exhausted I didn’t dream and/or I woke up too frequently during the night due to joint pain/needing to reposition that I didn’t complete sleep cycles and wasn’t dreaming/having nightmares. (The biggest argument for this is also that I’m straight up actually having non-nightmare dreams now too. I rarely had dreams and/or remembered them before. I get them decently often now. Which is nice! Dreams can be fun! And weird. Dream logic does not make sense upon waking up.) 

“Passing” / How people perceive my gender / General Reception

Gender is a party and transitioning is the grab bag. I’m basically completely on board all the physical changes T is making to my body (bar the acne and the balding). Presentation wise, I lean heavier into the men’s clothing than the women’s and would prefer to be read as a guy rather than a girl if people gotta gender me, but I’m not a guy and not actually interested in passing as a guy. So I don’t put any effort into passing as a guy. Being my authentic self and transitioning into my nonbinary genderqueer gender basically means I do what I’m comfortable with and just vibe (until someone misgenders me and then I dark side dysphoria vibe). 

Basically for those keeping track: I have long hair, I shave clean (and wear a mask anyway), my boobs are still visible (can’t bind), my hips are still a thing, and my voice sounds mostly like I have a cold (lower but with girly customer service inflections). My chosen/legal name is still femme. I’m also 5ft/160cm and relatively small. I dress in men’s clothes for the most part. Strangers still assume I’m a girl. Even in trans friendly spaces I get she/her’ed by default. 

(I’m out to management at work but very few others. There’s been maybe one person who might have noticed something. Most people I interact with through work--if they notice anything-- notice my voice change. But all the comments I’ve gotten indicate they think I’ve strained my voice from singing, have a cold, or it’s related to my breathing problems. (I had to wear a mask/scarf outdoors before covid due to the cold making it impossible to breathe, same with smoke. Also I caught COVID right before my voice cracked so…))

As I said, I don’t bind and my hair is long and don’t try to pass as a guy, so it makes sense I won’t. I’m sure if I had short hair and didn’t have visible boobs the default gendering by strangers would shift to a different percentage of girl vs guy vs awkward pause as they guess. So if you’re wondering how long it’ll take you to pass as a guy or confuse everyone, I’m not gonna be too helpful. But if you were concerned about being able to hide being on T/keep your transition on the DL until you’re ready to come out, you can definitely do it, just come up with some excuse for your voice because people will notice that.

Congrats I guess if you’ve read this far. Hopefully this was helpful and/or informative. The TL;DR of it is that the bulk of the changes kicked in somewhere between 3-6 months and are gonna continue for another good while. It’s having a lot of positive effects on my various health conditions (POTS, hEDS, migraines). I’m having a blast with everything that’s happening and am delighted by puberty 2.0. The drawbacks are just kind of inconveniences (and aside from potential balding, seem entirely temporary) and are nothing compared to the overwhelming joy and euphoria of slowly getting to exist more comfortably in my skin.

if you've got questions, feel free to ask. Just know depending on the question and whether or not I even know who you are will influence if I answer it or block you.

tagging myself so i can reblog if i need to @owlsofstarlight

#tag for me #also wow this post got long #and took forever to write and edit up #i apologize if it's hard to follow #but also don't complain if its too long i'm not forcing you to read it #the big t post #t timeline

[calehenituse-brainrot]

pls post cale's astrology chart cause i'm so interested on it 😭🙏

just want to start off by saying i actually looked up the og cale henituse's chart and put in 2001 as his birth year lol. i hope this helps you and it could satisfy your curiosity ! <33

below are information i found from the astrology chart that was provided along with the chart. it's actually really lengthy but im just gonna pick the sun, moon, rising, venus, mars, saturn, and lilith since those are what helps me write the most.

The Sun is in Scorpio

The Sun represent vitality, a sense of individuality, and outward-shining creative energy

They are determined folk that absolutely throw themselves into whatever they do -- but getting them to commit to something is rarely an easy task. In fact, it's better not to even try to "get them" to do anything. Solar Scorpios absolutely have their own mind. And, their primary motivation is unlikely to be prestige (like their Capricorn friends), or even authority (Leos can have that, too)--it's real power. Their power can absolutely be of the "behind the scenes" variety, just as long as they have it.

To others, Scorpios seem to have plenty of willpower. They probably do. Scorpios do know what they want, and they won't go out and grab it at the wrong moment. They simply sit back, watch (quite expertly), and then get it only when the moment is just right. This apparent patience is simply their powerful skills at strategy at work. Scorpios aren't afraid of getting their hands (bodies, minds) dirty. The darker side of life intrigues them, and they're always ready to investigate.

Scorpios simply never give up. They have tremendous staying power. They're not in the slightest intimidated by anybody or anything. Confrontations are not a problem. In fact, talk to any Scorpio about their lives, and you'll probably be in awe at all they've gone through. Trauma seems to follow them wherever they go. When Scorpios learn optimism, instead of expecting the worst, they'll find that they possess amazing regenerative powers -- the power to heal, create, and transform.

Potential issues: He is suspicious, defiant, and extremist; he is sometimes vindictive.

The Moon is in Leo

The Moon represents the emotional responses, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image. The Moon represents the emotions, and the Moon sign shows how a person expresses themselves when at home, at ease, and comfortable.

Depending on other positions in the chart, Moon in Leo people are not necessarily outgoing. When they feel comfortable, they do like being the center of attention. That is, they like being in the "spotlight" in the comfort of their own homes and with family and friends. They enjoy entertaining others, and often take on the role of comic. Lunar Leos often feel a need to organize, and even control, their families and friends. They have an inner mission to set things right, and generally like to oversee the goings-on in their little circle.

This is a rather creative position of the Moon. At the very least, Moon in Leo people want to create and entertain. They can be rather lazy at times, and a little bossy too. Generally, though, they have a deep need to treat others fairly and justly. Lunar Leos require lots and lots of love and care in order to function well in the world. When they feel slighted, these people can be dramatic in their emotional displays. When their pride has been hurt, they are given to big scenes and sulking. This rarely happens in public, however.

Lunar Leos are far too concerned about their image to make splashy scenes outside the comfort of their own homes. In public, they prefer to take things in dignified ways. At home, however, they're given to big displays of emotional drama. These scenes generally don't last too long, however. Lunar Leos are often personally popular folk who are valued for their integrity and strong sense of justice. Generally, it is easy to reason with a Lunar Lion. Appealing to their well-developed sense of fairness usually works well.

Short description:

He is brave, knowing how to take risks and possessing the courage of his convictions, honest, imposing, and sharp. He has a great sense of, and respect for, justice. Organizational sense. Selectivity with friends but is not overly influenced by them. Taste for splendor.

Potential issues: changing and numerous affections. Emotionally demanding and proud. Brooding when attention is not forthcoming.

Mercury is in Scorpio

Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.

He is extremely observant and astute, always reading between the lines and looking for the real meaning behind things. Passionate in speech, excellent at strategy. Natural psychologist.

He looks on the bright side of life. He is gay, agreeable, optimistic, sociable. He enjoys speaking and writing, and he does both with charm and artistry. His intellectual pleasures are very much influenced by his feelings. He is amorous and sensual. He likes beauty, the Arts, travelling, frequent changes of scenery. Aims always for diplomacy. Very charming.

He misjudges, but very imaginative. He lets things happen, and is happy to stay in his dreamworld. Confronted by reality, he is hesitant, anxious about being tested and can fall back into his imaginary world.

Venus is in Libra

Venus represent an interest in emotions and values, exchange, and sharing with others.

Venus in Libra people will impress you with their kindness, evenhandedness, and willingness to make your relationship work. They have a polished manner in love, which sometimes makes them appear insincere or superficial. They are gentle lovers who hate to be offended. They are threatened by bad manners and direct or abrasive expression of feelings.

They not only prefer to choose the middle road, they seek the middle ground in their relationships. You can expect to be treated fairly, and you may be turned on by Venus in Libra's willingness to concede and adjust their lives to fully accommodate you.

Venus in Libra natives have idealized images of their relationships, even to the point where the relationship becomes bigger than life, taking on a life of its own. They can become quietly resentful if they feel they are being taken advantage of -- and they make it easy for more aggressive types to bully them around.

Pleasing Venus in Libra involves treating them kindly and fairly. They love to share everything with you, so let them. Foreplay for them can be mental -- they love to communicate with you about the relationship. Sharing turns them on, and tactless or uncouth behavior is a turn-off. Although they seem to put up with a lot, be fair with them.

Over time, imbalance in their relationship is sure to make them unhappy, and when it comes to this, they may try to even the score in subtle, roundabout ways. Don't let it come to that, and you will be rewarded with a lover who puts themselves in your shoes and treats you exactly how they would like to be treated.

Mars is in Aquarius

Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.

It can be a little difficult to understand exactly what makes a Mars in Aquarius native tick. And that's absolutely fine with them--they enjoy surprising people. The tried-and-true methods of getting things done are far too boring for those born with Mars in this unique and original sign. Mars in Aquarius natives often have a rather original view of the world as well. These natives are generally quite proud of their independence. They are not easily pushed around with Mars in this fixed sign. Because Aquarius is progressive and open-minded when it comes to the world at large, it can be surprising that on a personal level, Mars in Aquarius natives can be quite obstinate. If they feel boxed in, they are quite likely to rebel. If you've discovered a pattern to their ways, they'll make sure they aren't so predictable the next time around. Being seen as "normal" simply won't do!

With Mars, the planet of energy and drive, in an Air sign, these individuals get off on mental and intellectual pursuits. Aquarius is a somewhat scattered sign, even though it's persevering in the long haul. If there's a method to their madness, it isn't always easy to see. Projects are taken on with a shotgun-style approach with this position of Mars. Mars in Air signs are generally quite clever at getting what they want; in Aquarius, they are particularly adept at getting their way. While this is not an overtly aggressive position of Mars (Aquarius has a manner that is far too detached to come across too forcefully), it is very willful. Combine willfulness with the cleverness of an Air sign, and you have a person who is quite creative about getting what they want--which generally is getting their way! Unlike with Mars in Aries or Leo natives, for example, you won't always know you're being dominated by a Mars in Aquarius native!

One of the most pleasant characteristics of Mars in Aquarius natives is their willingness to let others be. They place a lot of value in freedom and individuality--theirs and yours. They need space to be themselves and plenty of room to breathe. Generally not the touchy-feely types, these natives often laugh at sentimentality and tradition. In personal relationships, their approach to intimacy is definitely on the detached side, which can be baffling and frustrating to more personal and affectionate personalities. Of all the personal planets in the sign of Aquarius, Mars placed here can show the strongest "reformer" streak. The Aquarian ideal of equality works big time with this position, and the desire to push their agenda on others (usually in creative, rather than aggressive, ways) runs high. Obstinacy and a superiority complex are this position's least desirable traits; openness to new ways of doing things (as long as they're not forced upon them) is where they shine.

He is energetic and determined. He has strength and resistance, ability and patience. He is tough, and sometimes insensitive, putting much of his energy and talents into overcoming all the obstacles to his success. He is obstinate, calculating, aiming not to take on anything without having thought of all the possible consequences. He can take all the time in the world, rarely losing patience to achieve his objectives. Even if impatience is indicated in other areas of the chart, this Mars-Saturn placement suggests an overall persistence in the long-term. He is not necessarily especially sociable unless other indications strongly suggest so, but respected. There is a reverence for order and following rules to keep order, for the most part.

His feelings are dominated by wisdom, intuition, and instinct and geared towards the ideal. He likes water, sea voyages. He likes odd people, situations. Can often use a gentle approach to pursuing desires.

Saturn is in Gemini

Saturn represents contraction and effort.

May be somewhat self-conscious, avoiding small talk. May find making lighthearted acquaintances superficial. Can possess a serious mind, sometimes wishing to be more free and breezy.

He knows how to be on top of the situation. He perseveres, is determined but ingenious and original. He is very practical. He proceeds slowly but is always bound to achieve his objectives in the end.

His plans are realized in a methodical fashion. He works hard to achieve success.

He is not always open to others' ideas, especially if they are disorganized or free-thinking. He should watch for rigid thinking and egoism.

Lilith in Pisces

Black Moon Lilith represents our darker, deeper natures that may be repressed or buried.

He may have felt ashamed or off for being needy, compassionate, or wishy-washy, or for his spiritual side, and this person can feel uncomfortable or annoyed with people who resist labels, who are not very assertive or ready to take the lead. Denying these very human traits in himself can lead to extreme behaviors. Self-acceptance and integration of these traits in moderation can be empowering.

#cale henituse #cale henituse x reader #lout of the count’s family #lout of count's family #lcf cale #calehenituse smut #calehenituse brainrot #trash of the count's family #totcf #tcf cale #ask me stuff #answered ask

[dcviated]

GET TO KNOW YOUR ADMIN !!

name — Bear/Will.

pronouns — he/him.

preferred comms — Checking in and quick chats over tumblr im are fine. But if we're going to get into plotting I'd much much much prefer to talk over discord. Because then I can refer back to the posts. Going through tumblr ims should be classified as a form of torture. Pour one out for all the stuff I've lost in there over the years.

name of muse — Which one?? I've got several. Some are 'mains' others are 'testing'. The big three as I see it are Wylan Rechtur- shitlord assassin. Raguna Glen- Farm sim protag. And Eira Kestrova- Bossy mom friend tsundere.

experience in RP — Coming up on 17 or 18 years I think? From starting out on forums to avatar games to MMOs, and now I'm primarily writing here on tumblr though there's a bit of forum and tiny amounts of discord tossed in. But the latter feels off to me. I always prefer more public venues with opportunities for sharing and prompting random questions and meeting new people.

best experiences — Here on tumblr, I'd say. I've met some great people and have come through with probably the best characterization some of these muses have ever seen. Won't get into anything too specific, but suffice to say I've kept some people around for yeeeeears for a reason!!

pet peeves / dealbreakers — I've got so many I'm worried for myself. But aside from the obvious lack of response or enthusiasm, unanswered memes and starters, it would be this: People that come to you for writing (repeatedly) while contributing nothing to the plotting or selection process. Anytime someone looks at you and waits for you to paint a picture of an interaction through a roster of muses and genres and then set it up while going "I dunno" to any question asked?

Guhhhh!!! Give me a break!!! RP is a two person activity. Especially when I barely know your characters. Try and sell something to me!

Another thing that's gotten to me in recent years is an over-use of meta commentary and referential humor. I do this sparingly with Wylan, but too much and you feel like you're on an episode of family guy instead of writing a scene or interaction.

muse preference ( fluff, angst, smut ) — I am... an adventure and action and banter kind of guy. Which doesn't really fall under any of these categories. However, the preference would be fluff. Feel good stuff or anything that makes you smile. Angst, I'm not great at, and I've realized I don't care for it when it's sad or angsty for the sake of being sad. Give it purpose, give it a resolution of some kind. I don't much care for bad ends.

As for smut... I'm mixed. I like writing it but after giving it a shot again have accepted I don't much care for things after foreplay if it's in a thread. Headcanons that are lewd? Yes. Answering lewd/nsfw asks? Yes. But the back and forth is kind of eh.

I deleted my sideblog for a reason. </3

plot or memes — I like adlibbing. And I like improv now and then. There's a pitfall depending on the writing partner with plotting- and it's that you just talk about the plot and the end instead of letting it develop and having things happen. There should be some room for surprises and twists that nobody was expecting. Laying out the whole timeline piece by piece can remove the enthusiasm to.... write it!

Memes are a great way to get started with everyone, especially the situation prompts since it's a little more flexible. I find myself less enthused with contextless sentence prompts lately. And I may start reblogging less of those and letting the more fun ones get a spotlight.

long or short replies — Mixed. I can't novella on command anymore, but depending on the interaction my fingers do get away from me on lengths and what have you. Overall I prefer something in the middle. 400ish words feels comfortable, and conveys enough information without conversations stacking on top of each other. The longer a post goes the more often that seems to happen. And you can get into temporal errors where situations change on past conversations that happened in the same post and.!??!?!? Yeah.

I also do enjoy the occasional banter of one liners and shitposting. But it'll never be the focus of this blog. And is almost guaranteed to get longer over time to the point that it becomes a multi-para thread.

best time to write — When I'm not busy at the office. Quiet space with less things to distract me. I can get into a good productive mindset really fast and knock out multiple drafts in an hour. Feels great. Otherwise I think it's early mornings where I do the best on days off. Evenings are times of distraction, so much distraction.

are you like your muse — I put a little bit of myself in all my muses, otherwise I probably wouldn't be able to relate and make a convincing portrayal or conflict. Wylan used to have a lot more of my traits in the past. But he is far and above his own problematic beast now and I'm glad I don't have as much in common anymore jfc.

Tagged by: @more-than-a-princess (thanks B) a chance for me to look scary) Tagging: whoever is inclined to do it :V

#dash :: games ooc