#im not even excited for school its just

[weenie-kun]

how do u figure out what u like to do. i know its gotta be hands on but u have to weigh pros and cons and its breaking my brain scales. actually. tell me what to do instead. i am tired of thinking

#im not even excited for school its just #end goal is money and i know that can cause u to burn out #i guess ill be motivated by fear of going back to a worse job i hated?? that can work?? i guess #its so frustrating like UGH FINE i GUESS ill try not to suffer or whatever #ive never had a will of my own it sucks having a brain like this. free me #txt #UUUUUGHHB

[lilybug-02]

Eimmet High...temmiE high. OMG!

Part 28 || First || Previous || Next...

--Full Series--

Next update may take...much longer! I have finals and an internship and not to mention I have to draw- A LOT :')

#Golly! #this is a shorter update but I wanted it to be that way. We've been in the house for a while. It's time to change some scenery!! #Chara using their game narrator voice like “golly!” and “amazing!” #Eimmet high :)) i was really hoping to be able to reference Temmie Chang here. An integral part of UT/DR!! She's awesome! #WE ARE OFFICIALLY ON Day 2 BABY #yes- there is still a little everyman easter egg as well as some other things... ;) #I tried so many new and different things for these panels. I was a little nervous implementing them. But im having a lot of fun with it! #i try to put my own artistic enjoyment above all other things :) its what I strive for. #Angle's landing day! excited for the festivities! #Chara is feeling stabby :) #loved detailing Chara's hand in the last page. When I detail the hands- just know shits getting real #I'm really happy with how I was able to redraw Toriel here. She showed up in the second part and that was it for 2 years -w- #so even if she's not a major character- I wanted to give her some good screen time <3 #I did not make the Darkworld “Mayor” just for that one joke....but dang did it fit perfectly. #these 4 pages took longer than I wanted. I got burnt out with school and then finals came!!! AND ALSO EMAILS q-q #deltarune chara timeline #deltarune chara timeline comic #chara #asriel #kris #susie #toriel #tw cursing #cw cursing

[figofswords]

the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something

#WHAT AM I DOING!!!! #i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch #too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun #no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point #trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this #WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!! #there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time #my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me #my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job #i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time #i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again #and WHAT DO I WANT! #THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY! #I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!! #anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed #delete later #i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious) #versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected) #i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want #ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you #i miss that i want that back #whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go

[imflyingfish]

Me watching the industrial and commercial demand go up while there is low residential demand knowing that this will cause a labour shortage.

#cities skylines #like STOP!!!!!! YOU HAVE INDUSTRY PLEASE THE POPULATION IS SUFFERING #side note i cant figure out why none of my citizens are educated I HAVE SO MANY OF ALL OF THE SCHOOLS AND MY EDUCATION BUDGET IS MAXXED #i did just discover paths however and i am very very excited about that #today i set up paths and created transport links i have a bus station and a metro :] #problem is i had to remove the trainlines due to thrm being in the way but that means that now the indusyrial district covers the butt of #them #so now even when i unlock trains i dont know how im going to re establish them #side note surely thats going to cause some issues to the other parts of the england map #wait my map is the shape of england where are the trains coming from. this is an island #i am a bit miffed though as the map put me in like. sommerset county but im not allowed to access the sea since its not an unlockable tile #which means that i have NO WATER #ive had to buy all the way up to the river thames to get water and pump all that shit into the bristol channel! #anyway me getting rid of the trains #im just like richard beeching #sigh. #yeah america has their train issues but hey!!!!!! all our shit is privatised and its bad #anyway

[oflgtfol]

i was talking to my therapist last week about how i'm kinda excited but also equally apprehensive about starting grad school this fall because yes, i so so desperately needed a gap year otherwise i think i literally would have killed myself and/or had a breakdown big enough to land me in the hospital, and even beyond that i just needed to figure out a more concrete plan of what i'm going to do with my life in general -- while all of that is true, and i'm glad i took the gap year for it, i'm also apprehensive because i genuinely feel like an entirely different person than i was even at this exact point in time last year, nevermind anything earlier than that. it's only been a single year of me being out of school but my life has changed so dramatically, mostly for the better, and my whole personality has flipped on its head, it's just going to be so fucking weird going back to the same school, the same campus, potentially seeing my old friends around. augh

#sorry i was trying to find a post in my music tag in my archive and i scrolled so far back i got all the way to april 2023 #where i referenced sitting in a dining hall #and its like. DINING HALL ?!?!?! #im going to be sitting in the fucking dining hall again in just like four months. UGH #brot posts #it's almost similar to the separation between high school and college. where i feel like hs me was completely different than college me #and now only a mere year later i feel like. post-undergrad me is completely different than undergrad me #although now that separation is exacerbated by how short a time it was and just HOW drastic a change it was #like . a bitch goes on antidepressants suddenly theyre a whole new person. #like im lowkey excited to see my old classmates and friends again #but i also am dreading it bc like hi. hey. i have the same name and face as the person you knew but i'm someone else now. sorry #and also just the persistent fear that i'm going to regress or at least even just /feel/ like im regressing #just by being back in that environment again? #even if i'll be on meds this time and actually going to therapy and overall having so much more support than i did in the past #so as nostalgic as i am to be on campus again it's also like. hard to separate the present from the past #like despite it all. this bathroom was still the very same place i went to have a mental breakdown weekly #this bench outdoors was the place i sat by myself to eat lunch in the blistering cold bc i couldnt eat indoors during covid 2020-2021 #this bench indoors was where my friends had an intervention with me and forced me to call the on-campus mental health services #just . idk. feeling a strange mix of nostalgia and also being haunted by bad memories #oh the woes of going to grad school at the same place you got your undergrad. While mentally ill #but alas i need to save money by commuting and having instate tuition

[isa-ah]

been following you since PRE bubblegum karkat days and it’s been really nice watching you grow and heal and whenever i see you on my dash and think of your growth it reminds me of my own healing journey. i find that really nice

HAHA that was AGES ago dude. my god. i cant believe youre still around, that was like, the worst of it LOLOL weve both probably come a looong way since then, yeah. life used to be abysmal but now ive got my hubby and mother in law and were moving to nola next month so theres nothing to fear =')

#we found the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood in the perfect part of the city so #we are hoping and praying. our sickass real estate agent did a walkthru yesterday and said #'its been on the market for a while so if you put in for it youll probably get it' #very exciting news theres even a patio we can screen in EASILY for our cats #right outside our bedroom door! it would be perfect for entertaining! #were finally going to make irl friends!!!!! sdkjksdjfksd #i had a couple freak friends in phoenix and like 2 cool friends but like. mostly. freaks. #so im hoping to make real actual friends this go round cause we sure as hell didnt out here in the sticks of al #yippeeeeeeee #babe is also going to get a job so i can take a break bc ive been doing coms to support us for years now and its STRESSFUL #im gunna get to go on a small vacation and kick back like #life is so good #im so excited to rest and chill #im gunna sew!! so much stuff!!!! #maybe ill even list some on here for people to buy like i just want to make so many little dudes all the time #but i dont have the time or energy to devote to that bc making patterns takes time and materials #IDK IDK TOTALLY OFF TOPIC #i dont talk about my daily life much actually its usually just specific shit so im taking the opportunity to say. #i grew up in a VERY bleak way. brother were talking moldy food bank food house rotting both my guardians so so sick #dropped out of middle school to be a fulltime caregiver lost both of them anyway #then a bunch of falling out with my family etc etc i had NOTHING going into my twenties but a FUCKTON of trauma and mistrust #and now im heading for my thirties and i am the healthiest and happiest i have ever been in my entire life #i look great i feel great i do pretty good for myself and the people around me #i love love love my friends im t4t gay married i have a cat thats like a pokemon partner. to me. its perfect #yes weve made a lot of plans that have fallen thru and were not where we thought we would be by now #but honestly? honestly? my life is really great. were broke as fuck but we get by and we love each other and thats whats UUUUUUUP #youll get there! just keep going! you have no idea what kinds of opportunities youll be offered in your life that can change everything

[coldvampire]

anyway as soon as i pry myself off this couch im gonna share some screenshots of bg3 protags on my sideblog. just gotta like. reach the desk first.

#all i can think about is the shelves im gonna get installed here over the next little bit fdghj #yall dont understand its so hard to keep things clean and brain friendly when you just dont have anywhere to put stuff. #hellish #& then i get overwhelmed and turn into a massive bitch when i try to get it under control fdgh #instead its been like. 2 straight days of dopamine i fucking swear?? my body probably definitely wouldnt let me do this for a living #(my hip is screamingggg dfghgjj) but actually if i could & if i could work in a team then yeah. ykw i enjoy it. #organization go brrrrrrr #i dont think she was expecting me to work that fast either but ive been like a feral animal. skittering over clutter. #finding Spots for Things #okay i lied the flood was actually beneficial in one way to me specifically. #estranged father just forgot a Bunch of tool sets here & ive claimed them now fdghjk #that nail gun is MINE #she suggested i look out for an actual tool chest/bench thing (ykw the ones with wheels and stuff) for everything and i havent been that #excited for anything in months fdgh tools are expensive alright. too bad he took the table saw. #i dont talk much abt my Masc Hobbies as i call them lmao no real reason to but hoooboy i love to Build Things #give me that ikea desk ill have it done in an hour or less every time #maybe trade school is still on the horizon for me gfhj always wanted to Weld Stuff i think id be good at it #as much as i fuckin loathe yard maintenance i was a real garage sooooo bad its not even funny #shame i wasnt just inherently expected to know car stuff tm i feel like i would have loved it too #scarrier to learn on your own later in life especially with a lease vehicle but ill get there eventually #anyway yeah bg3! new mods. new ocs #have not done much with them yet but they Exist and theyre pretty

[callixton]

idk i do think if i’m totally honest w myself my biggest draw to being a director is that i get to put my fave actors in situations. like it is abt that relationship and trust to me + then i get to go here’s a Situation to have fun with and for the reasons they r my fave actors they go holy shit! fun!

#is this coherent. i love directing sm #i just really really really can’t wait for when i have the money and reputation to take on projects that i trust with people that i trust #it is not just abt this i am mostly reminiscing/hoping for the future #but also he sent me an ‘Idk im just stoked to work on it with you’ text abt understudying and king like. u don’t know how many of my shows r #- just an excuse to work with my actors on the characters and themes they care most abt #and this is it for him! which is v exciting. even if it’s still a disappointment overall #i just like. sort of realized recently that for me the Thing w directing is being able to create opportunities for people whose creative #- sensibilities i trust to tell the stories already inside of them #and sometimes that is abt a story i have too. but its a good 50/50 split #it HAS to be shared like it needs to be. and it needs to come from a place of care #man idk how i’m gonna get employed out of school but i will get to a place i have the autonomy/authority to do this my way if it kills me #ted talks

[autism-corner]

despite loving being trans i always do long to having boy teenage years/upbringing. But. im also autistic. i think that even if i was AMAB i wouldnt have gotten that classic boy life. that realization both deepens the grief yet relieves the feeling because i know that that wouldnt have been me anyway.

#its weird longing for something that others can get so easily. so naturally. wanting something they dont even think about. #its not meant for me. #in all of my teenage life i get half a year of that living as a guy. and only at school. i have to make do. #its hard looking at people younger than me that are already on HRT or have even had surgeries. the world seems so unfair because im not at. #... that point yet. but i know that i have to be gratefull aswell. some people discover theyre trans way later than i did. i imagine that.. #... aswell long for what i have. knowing im trans at 16 and living in a country with fairly good trans care (although the waiting lists... #...are hell). im lucky. i know that. yet. sometimes the pain hits harder than the delights. i want to be happy for people on HRT. for... #... people that easily pass. but they remind me of everything i dont have yet. #i need to remember that deep down were all the same. i dont have it the best nor is my situation the worst. its just something thats... #... unfortunately a huge part of my life. #anyway. rant done. im excited to be an out trans guy in uni. #i need to stop thinking help. #its not bringing anything good rn :/ #YAY transgenderism 6=w=9 #sillyposting

[aqqleshiqqing-archive]

HI EVERYONE monday and tuesday are going to be my exam days so once those are over I'll be back to being active here and continue working on everyone's commissions 💚 this is just an announcement to keep everyone posted~ I'll respond to any unreplied messages soon, just give me time!

also, happy birthday to my fellow october celebrants! i'm aware that there's a lot of october mutuals here but i don't want to contact everyone to greet them especially if it's late so here's a generalized one 🎂 cheers to more years to come!

#admittedly it was very stressful this week and figured i'd shut down my activity on tumblr and avoid browsing excessively (it worked!) #we had a LOOT of performance tasks to do and it was all before exams which made it all the more panic inducing - but they're all done now! #i'm very excited about the new hypno's lullaby update now that its back in development (mostly fleshing out what was missing in v2!) #so I'll most probably be actively talking about it~ me and my friends are very excited! it's honestly like we manifested for it #it's such a coincidence no joke! i already had started rbing old posts about redemme and this happens its so... whoa #so so excited. though i honestly never left this fandom even if i started focusing on SM red and Steven!! #their songs are still actively playing on my phone so i never left it.... aheheh #I will most probably stop doing repostober just in case school will become hectic after exams - but its been super fun to share :] #well that's enough babbling! ill see you all possibly on wednesday or thursday <3 #im also gonna watch the digital circus soon im so proud to see how far gooseworx has gone <3 #ive been a long time fan of her songsss #~ rambling

[baiferns]

watched the trailers for the new shows that were announced today and i just don't think i'm the target audience for gmmtv shows any more. they produce so much, often more than they're actually capable of and it's so obviously a quantity over quality thing for them. they just want to push out as many ships that they can profit from in terms of fanmeetings and concerts as possible without actually caring if they're making anything good.

even though it seems they're trying to move away from their usual high school dramas it just seems like the same storylines are being recycled. hide & sis seems so similar to p.s i hate you, and then they're just straight up remaking korean and japanese dramas because they can't make anything original that's worth watching. i think even the bls are essentially just copy-pastes of each other into different settings.

and i know these are just the first trailers so the end result could be very different from what we're seeing but it's all so surface level. i think something gmmtv shows always struggle with is depth and their shows often lack compelling stories and character development, which is fine if you just want a light show that's easy to watch but it's hard to get invested in shows that are so one dimensional.

and i know i have the same complaint every year that they do this but i'm questioning how is this STILL a problem but the ratio of bls to anything else is so frustrating. from the thumbnails of the trailers alone the ratio of men to women in these shows is astounding. (it's 51 to 13 btw in case anyone wanted to know). they have 100+ actors and it's impossible to give everyone the same amount of attention and opportunities but the difference between how the actors vs the actresses are treated is SO obvious and i'm tired of it.

#if theres one thing im gonna do on this blog its COMPLAIN ! #not gonna tag this because i dont wanna be a downer for anyone who's actually excited for all of these shows #but like can someone PLEASE tell me im not alone in thinking gmmtv need to just start putting out like 5 shows a year #some shows look like they have potential but ive dropped every gmmtv show ive given a chance like 3 eps in so i dont really have high hopes #dont even get me started on the one dimensional autistic representation they keep doing between chimon in home school and gun in leap day

[skitskatdacat63]

I think I need to just watch AD 2009 and finish off that season tonight so I don't feel so morose about F1 today haha

#AAAHHHHH I HATE FINISHING THINGS :((((((((( #2009 has been so much fun!!! #ad 2009 is a funny race to me #the standings are practically finalized after brazil so its like an epilogue to me #and also i already know the podium and im excited #somehow this one took me longer than 2005 even tho it had less races #I think i just really savored it bcs i love all the aspects of it #so maybe expect a lot from me on monday !! #i dont have school and i feel uncompleted today so ill just put all my focus on this #and then onto 2010 next oh god im gonna be so deranged #catie.rambling.txt

[rockerfemme]

i always thought of myself as this clingy overaffectionate person but now i'm realizing that everyone who made me feel that way prob just didn't like me. my bf is constantly on my case about not being affectionate and not giving him enough attention

#although tbf he is just super clingy #and im never excited to see him anymore cause we always have a fight or sm #but its like idk what time i want you to pick me up bro. if its right after i get home from school i won't get to paint #if it's in the evening i'll only get to paint a tiny bit and not finish #and if i haul all my painting supplies to his then he'll just complain i spent too much time painting and not engaging w him #decisions decisions #shitpost.txt

[mejomonster]

I need to read a Bad Buddy canon divergent fic where either Pran makes a move FIRST, or Pat realizes he likes Pran early.

Possible scenes of divergence:

In the scene on the rooftop where pran meets pat and says he was the one who gave him the green tea. What if in that scene Pran said "do you still want to watch the moonlight with me" and then did not follow it with "did I break your heart?". Or, if when he said that, and Pat Said "fine I'm the heartbroken one," what if Pran pushed him there. And asked why he's heartbroken, if it's because he wanted Pran... because you know that whole scene? Pran is dancing around the fact he did like Pat in high school, is kind of giddy that Pat flirted, kind of giddy Pat asked him on this date (on accident), and kind of feeling out if Pat would actually want to date him...if that was even something Pat could consider. But Pat takes Prans feeling around as "trying to put the blame of the situation on someone" so Pat let's himself be the "loser who's heartbroken." (Which is so interesting because 1. Pran literally thinks he's the heartbroken loser right now because he loves Pat and thought he lost any chance with Pat in high school so as soon as he sees Pat on this roof he hates that he got his hopes up on a potential crush, and 2. Pat will later take the conscious stance to lose to his crush Pran whenever winning would hurt Prans happiness... and even here, before Pat is even aware it's a crush he feels, he already has decided he will choose to "lose" if it will make Pran feel better. So Pat chooses to act like the "heartbroken" one in this scene, even though he's not even AWARE of why Pran feels like a loser in the moment, only aware Pran seems defensive and sort of sad so He wants Pran happy... and pran is happy when he wins their competitions).

In the scene when Pran is looking at a new apartment, Pat follows him in, and they wrestle then tickle on the bed. The audience knows, they probably would've kissed if the rental girl hadn't come in. So, how would that have changed EVERYTHING? Would they even kiss... or would Pran lay on top of Pat until they BOTH realized Pran wants to kiss, then Pran would get up, get angry and defensive, and run. And Pat would have to confront that it was VERY likely Pran had just wanted to kiss him, that it's likely pran ran away because he didn't like that he wanted to (and that entire can of worms). And Pat on a lighter immediate level would contemplate if he'd wanted Pran to kiss him... if that actually would be great. On a more concerned level, just like what actually plays out in ep 6, Pat probably wouldve gone to try to find Pran and ask why he ran. Ask why Prans scared. Why prans upset. Ask pran what he wants, why he almost kissed Pat. Pat would probably admit during such a conversation that he wishes Pran did kiss him, actually, and he doesn't know why Pran ran away when Pat isn't upset at all about the almost-kiss. And then episode 6 stuff would hit like a fucking train Way earlier in the story's plot. Because Pran wouldn't admit it's their parents feud keeping him scared of being close to Pat only to risk losing him and everything in his life here. At least he wouldn't admit it easily. And Pat would be dealing with the anvil of a realization he likes Pran, desperately loves him and does NOT want him to withdraw, did like him back in high school and was in agony when he was gone, and has been desperate to get close to him again ever since they ran into each other in college. The difference from the shows version? In the show, Pat gets all of episode 5 to deal with those realizations alone, then Pran doesn't withdrawl To An Intense level until ep 6. But if they almost kissed in episode 2 in that apartment? Oh boy. They'd be both dealing with those heavy emotions at the Same Time.

Alternatively. Pat could kiss him impulsively in that apartment bed. Thinking of it as gay chicken competition and Just, as usual, enjoying anything he does with Pran and not even realizing the depth of what that gesture Actually means to Pran right away. It would only be later, when Ink enters the plot and prans in absolute disaster mode (because pat kissed him but didn't even mean anything by it), that pat would realize oh OH pran has loved him since high school. And Oh no... pat totally wrote off prans feelings, didn't think about if pran cared, and now it makes sense why pran is avoiding him like the plague. It would play out a bit like the Canon story's eps 5 and 6, except in reverse. Pran would be withdrawn first (like ep 6) and then pat would figure out he's in love and prans been in love.

The scene where pran is designing the bus stop and pat pretends to be his boyfriend. Though honestly? Any little scene anywhere in the show, could work for this kind of exploration.

In the shows story canon, pran says in episode 5 right before the kiss "you can't keep doing this to me. We aren't a thing. We aren't even friends." And those lines speak volumes. It's an acknowledgement pat HAS been flirting. Both in high school and in college, before he realized he liked pran and after. But to pran, its been interpreted as flirting with no intent to actually be with pran. Flirting with no intent to take prans feelings seriously. And even if Pat WAS oblivious to his own crush? When pran says that, pat is fully aware he Has been flirting for years. "You can't keep doing this to me" pran says. Keep acting territorial over who's close to me (when I can't do it to you), keep flirting with me (leading me on so I keep wanting you... and Pat does purposely tempt pran to keep engaging with him, because pat loves being close to pran, even when pat isn't aware he has a crush.... on some level pat has always been aware that when he Flirts pran responds by interacting with pat more, and pat WANTS that and has wanted that for ages... maybe even since pran saved Pa as a child tbh). Pran is talking about how pat has been trying to keep pran close to him, but they cant be close. Both because pat kept picking friends and girls over pran, and because their family situation and friend situation won't LET them be close even if they tried to be. "We aren't a thing" is about romance. It's vague, it could be about a lot honestly. But to me I see it as pran being like "we aren't lovers, we aren't even fuck buddies, we aren't crushes (according to what you said to me about liking ink)" and then "we aren't even friends". To pran, it's clear pat has acted way more intimately than a friend would... for ages. And in that moment on the rooftop pat is aware he HAS been. Even when he wasn't aware he liked pran romantically, on some level he Had to pick up on pran crushing on him (after all pat doesn't go through any big exploration trying to figure out if pran likes him... it's obvious from all the times pran shut down pats flirting and fled, the way pran wrote a LOVE SONG FOR PAT, from the times pran put out feelers to see if pran would respond to the bait and Just Ask Him Out). And Pat has been indulging in prans crush by giving it attention, to keep pran close to him. And the "we aren't even friends"? Pat is so jealous of SO MUCH, but mostly that. He can't even go to prans house and eat dinner, the way friends can. He can't go up to pran and ruffle his hair and hug him and smile and joke in public with him... like prans friends (especially wai) can do at any and all times. Pat can't simply knock on his door and be let in (pran made him jump through hoops, pat has to push for every inch... which is partly why he resorts to flirting... because it Works and pran gives up an inch at a time, but pran pushes pat away constantly so pat can't just go into his room to hangout for no reason, can't give him headphones without an excuse, can't cry on his bed about a stupid fight or get drunk with him at a public bar. In fact who knows how much pat indulging his friends desire to beat up architecture kids was (at least ep 1-2) partly pat subconsciously angry those people got to cling to pran and ask for his help and hug him and laugh with him when pat can't even walk next to him in public or knock on prans family door? The line "we aren't even friends" hits pat right in the heart. The line "we aren't a thing" hits pran in the heart.

That emotionally open conversation on the roof in ep 5 before the kiss? In reality, they might have been able to have that conversation at any point. It could have happened earlier, a bit different. But the core of it: that pat has been flirting without being able to give pran the full reprocitiy he wants, and that pran keeps pushing pat away because he's scared of getting what he wants then it destroying the part of his life he enjoys. That was there since they ran into each other in college. And the outcome would ultimately always end the same: pat would decide if pran wants it? Then he CAN commit to giving full reciprocity and the consequences are worth it to pat. And pran would get what he's wanted forever, and be terrified of losing it on the terms of outside consequences instead of by his own choice, and withdraw.

It's possible the scene in the sleepover, when pat confesses to liking ink...that in that particular night, things could have gone differently. If pat had said he liked pran? Or pran had the guts then to ask "do you like me?" Instead of do you like ink? That night could have gone very interesting. Because if pran DID ask "do you like me?" Pat would've stopped his one way track mind on ink. He would've been surprised. Then he would've realized, if pran sounded serious, that pran liked him. And that would've made pat more careful in what he said next. Because pat, conscious of his crush or before that, would always rather lose then see pran hurting. He'd rather he has to move next time their parents threaten, he'd rather pran was never sent to boarding school, he'd rather confront his parents then have pran feel he has to do the confronting. And he'd rather admit he likes pran first, if pran feels safer that way (hence ep 6). So if pran DID ask if pat liked him? The entire trajectory might change. I'd be very interested to see how. I imagine later, after that night, hed confess to ink still as more of a weight off his shoulder and excuse to vent about his other crush to her (just like in canon). But what would pat say that night, if pran asked? Would pat say "who wouldn't like you?" And try to deflect his sudden realization that pran might want or need an answer to the years of flirting pats done just to keep pran from throwing him farther away. Would he say that to make it clear he thinks prans great, he just isn't ready to answer? Would pran be pissed off at that answer, that non answer, because it's another occurrence of pat flirting with him without committing to SHOWING if he really likes pran back or not. Would pran tell him to get out? Would pat deflect and ask "do you like me? I'm very likable." Would it devolve into them challenging the other to see who falls first, like in ep 6, to spare both of them the terrifying notion of having to confess their true feelings that night? Would pat be brutally honest, and answer without thinking, and just say "I've never thought about it." Which would break prans little heart, confirm that pat HAS been flirting with no intention of follow through, imply that pat never liked pran as much as pran THOUGHT he did (pran especially used to think the crush was mutual in high school). I am so curious

Anyway yeah. I'd love some canon divergent fic. If you've read any, PLEASE recommend me some! ToT

#bad buddy #patpran #meta #lb #rant #im thinking about it and. if pran at ANY POINT had kissed pat? #had dared to say: i like you. date me you prick. unless youre a coward. #pat would have IMMEDIATELY WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT AGREED. #he might think its a competition first or pran playing mind games and pat might be terrified #that pran doesnr actually like him and is planning to leave pat heartbroken now that pats falling for him #but like. in the moment? if pran kissed him? pat is KISSING BACK no hesitation #if pat asked him out? as in directly. yes no as only options? pat is saying yes. #because pran approaches his crush very sideways. he will throw a feeler out and see if pat takes the bait. but pran wont #actually say or do what he really feels. now... thats just his Character so pran is Not likely to kiss or make tje first move. #but im saying if he DID? things would go GREAT #i think pran mightve made the first move in high school. like #if hed been able to sing his song and see pat after? them excited they played? hed admit to pat the song is about pat. #and pat wouldve been shocked but probably flattered. and 100% wouldve #tried to see if he had a crush back and explore that with pran #(which is Exactly why prans mom sent pran away. sje probably knew if they kept hanging out theyd get together #its horrible but yeah ive met parents who did shit like that. no way she didnt rip pran away #to keep him away from pat)

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

I DONT THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA but i also REALLY want it to happen so. i will keep reading as usual

#WORMPOSTING . GOD. #starting 2.6 taylor is going to meet w tattletale and i think grue and regent? maybe? #its insane how visceral the high school scenes make me feel. fuck mr gladly btw. why the FUCK did he walk away #sir you were just concernes about her and tou walk out 30 seconds later to her being attacked and all you do is look sad and leave #you cant even like ?!?!!?!?! walk past in earshot so they know youre there !?!?!?! not eben that little bit of solidarity!?!?! #man #hey also fuck emma. taylors stronger than be bc if i were her shed be waking up with spiders in her mouth every goddamn morning #spiders georg. spiders emma. centipedes up her nose. fuck that shit ohhhh im so mad #anyway. excited 2 see the villains again. theres no way this is going 2 end well for taylor i think shes gonna do something stupid <3 #and u know what? i support her #reaction time

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel #the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule #and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office #classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand. #which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a #mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively #i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when #i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an #office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then #when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low #energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its #like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that #i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my #lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to #convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture #of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing. #the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like #they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha #yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc #i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself #from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode #and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at #like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop #so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd #also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry #bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting #hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that #the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun #unrelated