#im questioning so many things right now

[theblasianwitch]

So I'm cleaning and packing for the move and I found my old dream journal from 10 years ago AND my aunts pocket journal that she kept in her last years on earth and uuhh.... How do I bring up to my conservative Christian mother that her older sister was a divination witch and knew the entire time about me and knew when she was dying? She already knows her mother use to to read tea leaves but she looks at that negatively and I do not want to ruin another perspective she has of a dead family member she was close to... on the other side I'm definitely holding on to her journal.

#witchblr #witches of tumblr #witch community #hereditary #hereditary witch #the blasian witch #im questioning so many things right now #witch diary

[darlingod]

It’s just… it is everything that Cardan thought Jude would notice his “SO OBVIOUS” exile riddle and thinks Jude to not hesitate to come back. Beside his certainty of her cleverness to piece the riddle together, he believed he was that clear about his feelings toward her; he had thought she absolutely ought to know how he feels for her.

Like oh buddy. BUDDY. Your wife had thought of the answer to your little riddle like you thought she would. But guess what? She has detrimental TRUST ISSUES. (Like… Ur super mean and hot, I can’t blame her.) Anyway.. it’s SUPER adorable of him to so wholeheartedly believe she wouldn’t question his trust. It reveals so much about his pov of thier relationship.

Jude thought Cardan’s (silly) trick was a (vile) trick, when it was simply a: “Im trying to impress/pay you back in kind with our romantic metaphorical sparring and eventually get you out of political drama for a bit,” trick.

I’m fucking laughing wow these delusional ass children I fucking love them.

#IM JUST NOW REALIZING I SPELT THEIR WRONG AND IM SO EMBARRASSED #at least it was the right their😭😭 #THEYRE SO REAL LMFAOOOOOO #like they both were so hot ofc they constantly questioned the validity of each others feelings #if the last part didn’t make sense I’ll explain #she knew he had tricked her into exile and when Jude was like ‘can I pardon myself?’ she thought it was another trick to humiliate her #like girl it was to do THE OPPOSITE of humiliation #HE WAS SENDING YOU TO SAFETY UNTIL YOU COULD COME BACK AND FLAUNT UR NEW POSITION #but basically it revealed that he loved like Jude loves #that they have the same heart #(he’s not like the reg folk. he grew up around so many mortals as she did the folk) #but he’s a faerie so he doesn’t take caution to being unpredictable #Jude even knew: the folk could be humanlike but they (the folk) inevitably would do something to remind her that they STILL ARE folk #though she had too easily assumed that the folk acting like the folk meant betrayal #he thought the whole marriage thing had meant she fully trusted him #because he knew how hard it would be for her to give up her power over him #and he thought because that she had given up her ability to command him(comma) that she couldn’t doubt trusting him any longer #queen of nothing #the cruel prince #the wicked king #Jude Duarte #jurdan #cardan greenbriar #tfota #I’ve known them since I was 13 they’re much older in my stubborn pov #also me using the semi colon as if I’m sure that it’s proper grammar LMAOOOOO #confidence is key

[p3ski]

#a lot of these have more to them #so feel free to ask questions #theres only so much text i can fit in the poll options #im doing a thing right now where i have too many ideas and i cant pick one #voting myself so i can see what is winning #dbh fic

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#love that my body decided to incapacitate me the weekend before i have to read 5 different papers for classes #and it would b one thing to just read them but no for 3 of them i have to give detailed interpretation and 1 i have to present on #ive already failed to read one bc i forgot we had to do 2 papers for monday. oops. not that i could have done it anyway. i barely got 1 done #and im on track to fucking up the one due Tomorrow as well #im just fucking tired of reading fucking chemistry driven papers that i dont understand no matter how many times i read them #and everyones like oh itll get easier but no it fucking wont bc i cant fucking read right #its so fucking frustrating. why do i even bother? im so tried #i don't even have the paper im supposed to present on so ill have to do it all tomorrow. cool. great. not that i could do it today anyway #im just. this is gonna b a difficult week #and i misused my whole day by doing extractions bc i scheduled my training a week ago when i thought i would b fine over the weekend #nope. its fucking bullshit. this is y im like. y do i even want to b in academia? #how could i b a prof if i cant read well? its fine to b dyslexic as a math person but im like i have to read so much and so little gets thru #but then what the fuck else am i supposed to do? idk. im just gonna write down something for all these questions and go tf to sleep #ill get up at some horrible time in the morning to finish this. damn the consequences. ill see my therapist tomorrow anyway #and meet with my advisor like 🤪 yo guess what i made zero progress this week #sorry u got stuck with me while im going thru a year of fucking health problems #but whatever cant get rid of me now im already here. here and tired and i wanna go to bed #unrelated

[plulp]

hey guys sorry for the radio silence (4 days) :( Im Sick

but in other news: almost at 200 followers!!!! so if any of you want me to do the same thing i did last time (maybe not as much) or something different i can to celebrate :) since i should be free to draw however much after this week (have some things to take care of (while im sick))

#ill finish doing asks when i get back home (dont know when) #and then when i hit 200 ill do another thing i guess? maybe pcs again or maybe ill draw other peoples dol designs but problem with that is #i Dont Know Many People Here 😰 #i only follow legit like 5 people and i dont check this dashboard often so i miss a lot #since i usually use my main tumblr to yknow. scroll through tumblr #i wish i could reblog other peoples art more often too but for some reason i get nervous? its so weird. i get nervous writing tags #probably because i get too excited and then i get a headache #what was this about again #oh #if any of you have anything you want me to do for 200 you can send an ask or something and ill make a poll so you all can vote on it maybe #but hopefully i can do it like order as in: finish asks i have now > celebrate yay!! > draw more designs lmao #but before all of that. i have to finish this one thing. lemon honey green tea give me the strength i need to finish this. #i need to clear out ageless followers when i get home too :( so i might not be that close after that #right now im 8 away from 200 i think? #but thank you to whoevers followed me :) #if you dont have an age in your bio remember to put one okay? or ill get another headache #i think thats all i have to say right now? if you have any questions comments or concerns please dont be afraid of me. #germaphone #i promise i dont bite. i kind of gnaw like a toothless cat. its all gums and its slimy and feels weird. like that #200 follower special you all ask me about my teeth situation (nothing special really)

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

i have always wanted one of those hyperspecific mogai genders i want one so bad. this is an unironic want i just. want one so badly

#youd think i wouldve found out by now #there are so many of them! #but alas!!! #waposts #none of them FEEL right.... vibes r off #this isnt a gender questioning thing more i am searching for the right word for something i know intimatley #im fine with just being nonbinary but also hmmmm i want a little pizzaz

[thedisablednaturalist]

Unfortunately all chatgpt is good for is interview/job application stuff which I think says a lot about the hiring process as a whole

#wrenfea.exe #as an actual artifical intelligence? no its horrible bc it really ISNT one #its a writing synthesizer it generates writing based on data searches and boundaries from training #thats what a neural network is its a very convoluted input-output sequence #it has no capacity to understand the meaning behind what it generates #it is simply generating the specific things that the user is looking for #the job interview process has become so robotic and automized that ai fits in perfectly #but employers HATE that people are turning to chatgpt for cover letters and interview answers #so it was fair for them to use filtering programs to accept/deny applications before it got in front of an actual human being #and its ok for them to use ai and pre-written formats to make job announcements descriptions and interview questions #but god forbid we are forced to use those exact same tools to get a humans attention so we can get a job and not starve #pushing aside the whole copyright debate on chatgpt and the environmental impact of its power usage btw #im soley analyzing how its become commonly utilized on both sides #by interviewer and interviewed #the mechanization of the whole process is now on both sides #it just seems very inhuman.. #its also how some people have figured out how to somehow become employed multiple times by the same company due to lack of human oversight #and how automated theyve made their hiring process #probably should have made these tags into a separate reblog oops #also disclaimer do not cut and paste right into your application materials bc chatgpt often just lies #also many places now can tell you used chatgpt due to how similar its answers are #i only use it to make a template and see how things can be phrased to be more professional and buzzwordy #id never use it for something actually creative #and dear god do not write academic essays with it #i tried using it to supplement my own cover letter template but it was too robotic even for a cover letter #it is very good at accessing and summarizing publically available information #thats all it does not make sure the information is true or good

[sheikah-simp]

still editing exile//vilify and kind of in awe over how autistic i accidentally made astor

#‘he’s just like me forreal’ #me: oh no #i am currently questioning if i may have #i definitely have adhd #he has so many moments especially early on where he just has NO idea what’s going on #and things have to be explained so flatly to him #and he continues that way the rest of the book #like it actually doesnt get better he has a full autism tilt right until he sells his soul and still even after that #anyways he could definitely be read as autistic in my writing #i projected many of my qualities onto him and im only just now realizing the coding

[uglypastels]

I've only been talking about this concert for months. I've only mentioned the outfits and the work people into it a thousand times. only said how excited i was to go full out on making/styling everything myself a hundred times. only been planning our own outfits for weeks. only made a concept board with specific references and designs. only said what i wanted to do like ten times (today alone).

and yet, somehow, my mom didn't think i meant what i said when i told her my idea.

but idk maybe i should have made my ideas clearer.

maybe this moodboard or these designs weren't clear enough that i wanted us to have matching sets. not just tshirts and jeans

#and somehow she's angry? #because she doesnt like the idea i had #weeks after i drew it up for us and showed it to her on several occasions #and now im crying #because i obviously dont want her to dress in something she wont be comfortable in #but i cant sit there while shes going through the options literally yelling #or suggesting to justwear half of it #while ive explicitly told her how much it means to me to go full out #and i cant even say anything about it #because how many times have I ruined her fun #when she asked me questions and i wasn't able to match her energy 100% #also i do not mean that this is the way it has to be if you plan on going to LOT #right like whatever you want to wear #you do you #but i saw it as an opportunity to go full camp with my family #and they were into it too #so i went full out #except now apparently that was the wrong thing to do

[bylertruther]

so like. i started going through the transcripts bc i wanted to pull out Evidence From The Text to back my shit up like always, right? and like. .... ..... ... . . . dude. season four is so fucking LONG and filled with SO DAMN MUCH that it goes in one ear and out the other, but when you sit down and read that shit? jesus fucking christ lmao. my guys brenner and one literally are telling us the plot to season five like there's no wayyyyyyyyy bro lmaoooo this shit really got me sweating n pacing around the room like . It's Literally Right There it's not a hidden message it's not a tiny detail in the background They're Telling Us What Is Going To Happen. specifically brenner because brenner is the one that could not stop, brenner is the one that could not let go, brenner is the one who tipped over the first domino. brenner is telling us the ending to this story because he's the one that wrote it. not even. brenner is our cassandra he's telling us I Know What Is Going To Happen and exactly how but no one listens to him he tells us exactly how act one is going to end and he was right. he knows the beginning to this story and its middle and he foresees the end but he dies before he can change it and so it's up to our heroes to pick up the pen and fix his mistakes. like. grabs ur shoulders. Brother I Am Having Realizations Here

#ofc i decide to sleep three fucking hours the night before i have Realizations tht i cannot put into fucking words bc im sleep deprived #but like. fucking hell man. i have so many tabs open right now i got transcripts from s4 and s2 and netflix open #tryna get my screenshots + annotating the transcripts + pasting s1 and s4 frames side by side to show they're the same thing #and explaining things that we saw previously but did not have the context for #the characters don't know what they're describing but WE know because we've seen the entire story unfold and like. omg #like. okay duffers literally i'm in your mind bro i see the vision i realize i Understand #all of this bc someone asked me an innocent question about eleven and i was gonna copy n paste something but then i was like. hold up #even if i get two notes n no one except for like three of my mutuals reads my pos t. idc bc i will have foreseen the future n had fun #but it's like.. like. bro i'm literally like i'm ON to something here my sleep deprived delirium has given me truesight i— #i sound insane and that is because i Am but i need 2 get it out before they lock me in the basement next to noah 🫡

[trans-axolotl]

thinking a lot today about the different ways that carceral logic shows up in the different arenas of treatment in psychiatry, and something i keep coming back to is the societal perception of eating disorders. this is absolutely a myth, but society views eating disorderes as a thing that only thin white women get. and i think that's foundational to the structure of eating disorder treatment across many levels of care, but especially at higher levels of care. this is fucked for a lot of reasons, because it makes treatment so inaccessible to people of color, trans people, fat people, disabled people, and the amount of bigotry you're going to face in almost all treatment centers is really preventing people from even accessing treatment. or like coming into treatment and being the only person of color in the entire place--that's also another barrier to treatment, and the fact that treatment is so fucking expensive and lots of treatment centers don't accept medicaid, fucking over disabled and poor people. i could go on listing reasons for a long time about how the eating disorder recovery industry is really fucked up and excludes many marginalized groups, but also what i'm thinking about is comparing ed residential treatment to psych wards. treatment is carceral in both places, but there's a big fucking difference in the way treatment is structured in ed residential treatment, even comparing ed treatment to other types of residential treatment. when they know that most of their clients are going to be white women who are more well off, there's a lot of very particular mindsets and structures set up that reflect that particular dynamic of paternalism + fragility. whereas psych wards are incarceration and function almost entirely as social control + have a lot more association with schizophrenia, psychosis, suicide + with those diagnoses come the whole racist history of how those diagnoses changed from being like. like in many ways i think eating disorders are treated now, the way schizophrenia used to be treated back when it was thought of as like, melancholia for housewives + before "protest psychosis" became the new drapetomania. this feels very relevant to any analysis of like, looking at carcerality as a whole throughout the full specturm of psychiatric institutions to understand how ed treatment really does come with a lot more privileges and different underlying assumptions if you're white in ed treatment. the fact that in my residential center there is no forced drugging, no isolation rooms, no restraint of any kind, and also some of the dynamics of the fact that i can tell a lot of employees here are getting exploited by their bosses in terms of unfair working conditions + probably wage theft. and although residential treatment still operates under carceral logic and i fully believe that many things happening here are very much violations, it feels important to understand how instituional racism is shaping these different instituions + to understand some of the reasons why ed res is so vastly different from the psych ward while still very similiar, + also really understanding how my own white privilege is affecting my experience in res.

#personal #antipsych #antipsychiatry #eating disorder tw #ed tw #this is mostly notes so im not makin this rebloggable #just sort of thinking about shit + likr #cause i dont talk a lot about it but many of u know a lot of my time irl. when im not instituionalized #is like spent directly on antipsych advocacy. so this is the shit im doing every day all the time directly working on shit #thru orgs and direct action and shit. #but anyway. most of what i had been doing was directed at psych wards #cause i had never been anywhere but psych wards b4 #and im still sort of developing an understanding and analysis of like. the full spectrum of psychiatry + the ways it shows up #so a lot of things im thinking about in here are like how is this similiar and different to psych wards. #how does instituional racism affect these places similiarly and differently #how are these places carceral? what does carceral mean in this context? what does psych incarceration mean? #cause all these questions r particularly relevant to like. we gotta understand it to fight it #and im sure tehre's a lot of people saying this shit b4 me and i am very excited to like. talk more with people and learn from #ppl already saying this shit. but right now #basically all i have consistent access to is myself and my thoughts and my journal and like #a very small amount of online time #so im working thru a lot of this shit out loud. on tumblr #thinking about how what im learning in here is affecting my political work outside

[xumoonhao]

hm….feel like by the time im done doing my citrus backgrounds im gonna have like. 100+ of them.

#now u might think that’s too many and. well. you’d be right!! but u see the thing is that ive done them in 2 sizes and Also ive made #them bigger than sized them down bc idk i liked how it looked and im doing them all w/glitter & w/o glitter AND with white backgrounds and #backgrounds with colour :/ so. yknow. variety ig idk m #it’s fun but like. it’s also so many…….. #and will anyone even use them ever??? well that’s another question altogether…….. #🎆.txt

[lunarsapphism]

my knowledge driving test is today and im so nervous :(

#i dont feel like im gonna pass #which is stupid because i can drive and i do it very safely #but like. its just that theres so much shit they want you to memorize that most people dont actually know/remember #and im just so nervous #ive done sooooo many practice tests and ive watched a billion videos #i read half the manual cause i couldnt get through all of it before bed last night #and im worried that because i didnt read through the whole thing im going to fail #my average for practice tests though is like a 90-95% #so like?? i should be fine?? #ive known almost every answer to every question thats been thrown my way #and you can literally miss 8 questions and still pass #but god. i am so fucking scared right now #i think i would be less nervous and it would feel less high stakes if i wasnt getting my license so i could drive #me and my partner to a concert three hours away from where i live in like two weeks #so my parents dont have to drive us #i dont think i would care about potentially failing as much regularly because the time frame wouldnt really matter #but it is time sensitive so im afraid #im also worried that my partner is gonna be disappointed in me if i fail and cant get my license in time #but thats a whole other thing #aiilov-personal

[abba-cchio]

when hobie said “i don’t do labels” i felt that so deep in my soul

#funny post but not #recently i’ve been rlly questioning my sexuality and gender and literally all of that #i used to go by so many labels (genderfluid bisexual grayace polyamorous he/they/she/ae) #but now none of it feels fully right #no labels #so i just say i’m queer now that’s the only thing that really feels right #i just know im not straight and im not cis #pride month best time to release across the spiderverse honestly #hobie my beloved <33 #dragons post

[vazaez]

that’s not very cis of you

BYE🛌

It's complicated alright 😭💀

#a lil personal story about this now that the topic came up: #some time ago i started questioning my gender identity but i didnt like the spanish they/them pronouns on myself #they just didnt sit right lol #so i tried using gender neutral language (ig yall know spanish is one of the many languages that is VERY gendered #even fcking objects have their own 'gender' lmao) so yea if it pas possible i phrased what i said abt myself in a pronounless way #but when it was not possible to do that id use male pronouns to try how i felt with them. the thing is that every fucking time i did that #some dude in a gc i was in said 'dO u hAvE a D¡cK????' and it made me really uncomfy as if i needed it to be able to use those pronouns 🧍 #LITERALLY EVERY TIME so eventually i gave up because i thought what's the point of finding my identity if it wont be respected anyways? #so yea im resigned to be seen as the same I was born with the same i've always been and the same everyone knows me #dont get me wrong i dont always hate being a girl but sometimes it makes me curious how would it be if i wasnt #and i dont mind what pronouns ppl use with me most of the time as long as it's not with a bad intention #I've wondered if maybe i'm a she/they? idk i just gave up thinking about it #at least for now. i have my whole ass life to find out what or who i am so i don't feel there's a need to rush tbh #woah this rant got rlly long sorry lol idk if anyone will read this far 🏃 #btw it's not only about that guy but he made me constantly remember that most people at least here in latam are very closed minded #just like him so if i ended up finding an identity i was happy with it wouldnt be respected by most people irl anyways #i'm not in that gc anymore tho #i hope i was able to like explain well what i mean? i don't wanna seem like i gave up that easily just because some dude was being a jerk #it's just that i'm kind of an overthinker

[brothersonahotelbed]

when you're talking to a trans person about their identity & the way they view themselves, there comes a point when you really just need to take a step back and say . i will not, and probably never will be able to understand exactly what this person is feeling. i need to accept that, as much as i want to interrogate and question and throw hypotheticals into the air like they're rice at a wedding, i won't understand what they're going through. i just need to trust that they understand themselves enough to make decisions that are good for them.

#see cause i'm so conflicted. my older sister wants to understand gender identity as it pertains to a trans/nb person like myself #and i love it .i love that she wants to get educated & i love that she's coming to me . an actual trans person. to get that info from #that is so good and nice #but she doesn't realize that no matter how many questions she asks . some things she can't understand because she's cis #i'm trying to explain my gender identity to her and she was just so confused and started trying to put me into a box. #she wanted to know what the ideal version of myself that's in my head is and was so shocked to hear that #my ideal version of myself is who i am right now (same looks same clothes same body same voice) with one simple change: #that no one questions whether im 'really a boy' and no one assumes that im only a girl #she's said 'why even go through the effort to change your pronouns then?' i said well because thats what im comfortable with #and she just doesnt understand it. how i identify mostly as a boy but im not falling over myself trying to get on T or get top surgery #cis people think in such black-and-white ways that it makes me sick #i just need my sister to respect my identity & pronouns and stop asking questions at this point . i can only give her so many answers that #are essentially watered-down versions of what i actually mean #loquitur