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void-galaxy-shenanigans · 2 years

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Umm hahaha hiiii!!!! I/we?? Have a question. Im scared to ask my doctor about did because we feel like maybe were just crazy and theres really only one of us and not two. Is this normal? C always fronts (we think) and shes good at supressing A who wants to front but C is scared shell ruin relationships since shes more confrontational and confident. We have no idea if this makes sense or not. Any advice? Also there might be a third but they were kindof shamed out by others.

Hi! Welcome to our page 😅

I've got a really long response, both to be thorough & to offer our templates / our explanation spiel, & to make sure I address all of your concerns to the best of my ability (/positive) - read this when you're ready, or in parts, or both (you know your needs).

~~~

This is absolutely normal, actually - I don't know if you/y'all have been told, but doubt & anxiety are actually a symptom of DID/OSDD-1, so when you doubt yourself it may actually be more hints you are a system. The questions of ‘am I crazy? is this real? are the others real’...we get them too. I know we talk on here like we're confident, but we often have to remind ourselves & each other that this doubt is normal. It's the disorder trying to protect you/y'all - because if you know you're a system, you have to deal with (1) the fact that you have trauma at all, which may unrepress memories (which is scary & painful), (2) increased vulnerability (some headmates are more easily triggered / harmed), (3) the stigma around the whole disorder, & (4) conscious communication (which sounds good, & it is, but it's also....draining? it's tiring.).

The disorder (DID/OSDD-1) only knows to help you survive through the same old methods, which is what makes it disordered (it can't adapt), but you & your headmates can adapt, so part of being a system is adapting & resisting the disorder’s urge to hide, forget, repress, relapse. You form headmates because of the disorder, but you have to fight what it views as The Only Safe Way™ to survive if you want to exist, be more aware of your system, etc.

As for keeping each other out of front, honestly that's how we began. Nico tried really hard for 3+ months (in 2020) to not split & not let anyone else front, & I'll be honest, it was physically painful after a while & he ended up mass splitting (splitting 100+ people at once - in this case 300 people) from the stress of fighting it. After that he realized he really didn't have control over whether he needed to split or take a break, so he's way better about it now.

It's normal to do, but not something you can do long term without hurting yourself (forcing yourself dormant, mass splitting, etc.). I don't know your specific situation & can't give expert advice but for general advice, let each other front. Suppressing/resisting hurts everyone, & if you're working on accepting you're a system too, not resisting is helpful (it makes it more obvious when you switch & people are able to be different &/or leave notes that you clearly don't recognize or remember).

As far as starting communication, we started with writing notes to each other. I know some systems still live with unsafe people when they find out (we still do), & if that's the case, find a journal, a lockable journal/diary, or an app you feel comfortable saving things into (we use Google Docs, under a Google account our ab-sers don't know exists) - anything you can lock or hide in some way, but that y'all have to get on/into regularly for whatever reason (so other headmates can see it). If you do live by yourself, any journal, document, etc. works.

Basic template we used for the notes is this: “Hi, my name is [name (nickname if you have one you'd like them to use)], I'm [age], and [I think I am / I am (based on your comfort, pick what's comfortable)] [role (a host/co-host, a gatekeeper, a protector, a trauma holder, etc.]. I'm ready to get to know [anyone else in our mind / our headmates]; introduce yourself when you feel ready.”

So, using my own, “Hi, my name is Caero Jinx (CJ), I'm ageless, and I’m a persecutor-protector and a trauma holder. I'm ready to get to know our headmates; introduce yourself here when you feel ready.”

You might have three or more & not even know them for over a year, honestly.

(When we found out we were a system (May 31st 2019 - we know because Alec stumbled across a TikTok video Sean posted on the 30th (he tagged his name & used a song Alec had never heard before)), Nico & Alec knew each other. Jack knew Nico, & got introduced to Alec. Sean knew Nico, Alec, & Jack. & that....that was it. For months. We found Valentino (Val) three months later, & his brother Jason with him, & then for a whole year that was all we knew. November 2020 we finally met more - Seth (Sean’s brother, persecutor), Carlisle (caretaker/caregiver), Zeno, Lowell, & a handful of others. We didn't even meet our own gatekeeper, Ward, until November or December 2020, a year & a half later (we weren't sure we had one - apparently he just doesn't trust easy & wanted to make sure we were ready). Now, looking back, we had around 26 frequent fronters (people who front frequently, but not necessarily co-hosts) & at least 76 people total, but we knew maybe 10 until year two.)

You may be a small system (with only 2 to 40 or so), or a medium system (40-90), or polyfragmented (over 100), & you wouldn't know yet. & that's okay. It all comes with time & this’ll get less overwhelming.

If you have anyone, a third person or more, that got chased out by shame/for any reason, they'll come back when they're ready (or when they feel like you're ready). It's not necessary to worry about it right now; you'll know more/know them when you're ready to know.

As for telling a doctor (or therapist), well....there's so much stigma & disbelief (people genuinely don't think we're real) that I wouldn't recommend it without “testing the water” first. Ask if they know of, have heard of, &/or have experience with DID/OSDD-1/systems (specify “it used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder” if they don't understand what you mean - most people will get it then). If they say “that's not real”, don't tell them (& find a better doctor who believes it's real when you can). If they say “that's super rare and almost no one has it”, don't tell them - they'd make you ridiculously jump around through metaphoric hoops to “prove” you're real, & honestly it's better to find someone you won't have to do that with. If they say “I've heard of it but I'm not qualified to/don't want to work with anyone who has it”, well, don't tell them & find a new doctor when you can.

If they say “I haven't heard of it” or “I've heard of it but I'm open to learn more”, that's a really good sign. If you have or find a doctor who says this, this spiel we made usually goes okay (you can build on/change it as needed): “it's a survival coping mechanism where a trauma victim survives through a mix of repression, self gaslighting, and separate identities. They repress trauma memories and any day to day memories that won't help them survive, and tell themselves the trauma isn't real and they don't have a disorder and they're not repressing anything. If a kid isn't traumatized or is able to process trauma with a safe community and/or a safe parent/guardian, the fragments that would've fused into one multifaceted identity get stuck apart by amnesia walls and they form into one or more multifaceted identities instead of one. Each of these people can have different ages, religions, hobbies, or any other part of identity and personality that non-systems have, and they each have a job that helps them keep each other alive. Together, they help the body and each other survive the trauma, and once they become aware they're a system they can communicate and work together. They can even have allergies other headmates don't have, or different severities or presentation of symptoms. They do everything they can to hide, so if they trust anyone enough to tell them, that's a good sign they believe the person they're telling has their best interests in mind and will keep them safe.”

Usually, when we frame it that way, we get back “so they're like different people in one body?” or “so all of them / all of you together form what I see as / think of as [body name]?”, & when you say yes, then they tend to be a lot kinder / more accepting when you say “so....I think I'm / I found out I'm a system” (or something along those lines). If they ask more general questions, you can try to answer what you know, & if they ask personal questions, keep in mind you aren't required to tell them details of your trauma, your systemhood, etc. or show them a switch to “prove” it, & only answer if you want to / feel comfortable.

If they need to know something specific — like a medical doctor might need to know ‘x is prone to fainting more than the rest of us’, ‘y has anaphylaxis with bee stings, but a doesn't’, or a therapist might need to know ‘b talks about su*c*de a lot but c won't actually let them so you don't need to worry that they'll actually act on it’ (we've needed to say that one), anything that would affect their job basically — then tell them that.

I wouldn't recommend telling anyone who you know would use it against you (anyone who's traumatized you, anyone who you know thinks mentally ill people are [insert ableist/cruel idea], etc.), unless your life seriously depends on it. & I'd be very cautious trying to tell family, friends, etc. & test the water (very similarly to above) first - & maybe don't tell personal relations (friends, family, body's significant other) until (a) you get professionally diagnosed (they may demand proof, & if so a diagnosis is a good friend) or (b) you've been on the journey for a year or more & you're sure you want to tell this person now. You know your limits & your people best, so you're the judge of who needs to know & who can wait, who you want to tell, etc.

It's painful to remain unseen, but prioritize your safety. It's more painful getting hurt by people who know & treat you like garbage because of it (we made that mistake ourselves 😕).

Overall, we welcome self diagnosis (getting professional diagnoses is an expensive pain in the butt & some systems won't be considered “distressed enough” by a therapist (it's up to their personal opinion) to get diagnosed) & welcome to this journey.

I hope our page helps you/y'all, & if you'd like to know more about system experiences, our journey of discovery, roles, etc., feel free to ask! We may seem intimidating, being a blog poster who openly embraces our systemhood (even when it's difficult & we don't always acknowledge it's difficult), but I promise we're not as scary as we seem 😅.

The journey may not be easy, but you don’t have to walk it alone.

~CJ

#did system #osdd system #plural system #multiplicity system #ask #asks #ask me stuff #ask me things

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issatreeplant · 6 years

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Blue Blood - Jaebum Got7 Angst

Characters: Elizabeth (y/n) x Im Jaebum Genre: Angst Summary: A push and pull between the good and bad memories faced by the main character Im Jaebum. He thinks back to his past, remembering the sweet moments he had, during a time of dysphoria he can not escape. A world where death is real, epidemics are everywhere, and the one he loves is far away. AN: You know when you just wake up from a dream and it just hits you. It feels so real that you replay it in your mind a thousand times. This story was a dream i had, and possibly my favourite piece i’ve written thus far. If you guys have a moment during your day where you just want to feel all the feelings of life, i would love for you to read this story. If i’ve ever wanted to recommend a story to my readers, this is it. I love it so very much and i hope you do too. Happy Reading x

Friends (Past)

“Hey Jae! Give me back my book” she whines as her arms rise up to try grab her Biology textbook from me.

“I told you, you can have it, you just need to take it from me” I smirk, knowing well enough that even if she were standing on top of something she wouldn’t be able to reach for her book.

“You’re so annoying!” She sighs incredibly loud, “I liked you better when you ignored me and we weren’t friends”

She turns away from me and crosses her arms before kicking a pebble into the pond that we were next to.

Even though I know she didn’t mean what she said, her words stung.

I would never wish to go back to the days I didn’t know her.

Those days mean nothing to me now.

“Here” I shove the book towards her.

She stumbles to hold it in place as she looks at my expression.

I try turning the other way in hopes she doesn’t sense the slight annoyance creeping up, but I know she will see it like she seems to see everything about me.

“I’m sorry” she says quietly.

I shove my hands into my pocket and stare at the goldfish swimming inside the pond.

“You know I didn’t mean it” she adds as she grabs my arms ever so softly, afraid she will break me if she expresses herself too much.

“I know” I cut her off, not wanting to hurt her with my sudden mood change.

I quickly brush away her words from before and take this opportunity to go back to how it was.

I grab her textbook from her arms and run off.

I turn back only to see her dumbfounded. Standing where I left her, her hands book-less, her expression confused, her eyes slowly filling with the rage I loved so very much.

“IM JAEBUM!” she screams before bolting towards me.

I can’t help but burst out laughing as I run away.

-****-

Dance (Past)

“I hate this” she whines as she fiddles with the flower I placed behind her ear.

She’s staring out the car window, anxious to walk out and join the others on our highschool graduation dance.

I know why she’s scared.

She’s told me numerous times she hates dancing.

Whenever she mentions this, I remind her she has no problem doing the Robot in front of me, and that always ticks her off because she knows I know what she truly means.

Elizabeth hates being herself around those she doesn’t know.

We have been friends all through highschool so those rules don’t apply to me, but I do understand her.

When I asked her to prom (as friends of course) she was startled and told me she rather just go back to our secret hideaway and read books and listen to music.

We argued about it for a few minutes until she finally sighed her big sigh and agreed.

But we were here now, and she was incredibly anxious, which made me feel incredibly protective.

“Wanna walk in and grab the food and then leave?” I suggest

Her eyes light up at the thought of food and I can’t help but smile.

“Are you sure?” She asks, now turned towards me.

I can’t help but admire every little part of her today.

Her mom helped her out with her makeup. She chose to accentuate her already perfect features by adding a bit of blush to match her already rosy cheeks, a bit of mascara to lengthen her already voluminous lashes, a hint of lip tint to plump her heart shaped lips, and a bit of eyeshadow to emphasize her perfect, earthly, green eyes.

Her sun kissed skin looked beautifully gold in her ocean blue dress, and her beautiful dark brown curls were lazily placed into a bun that would unravel itself the second she let herself go.

I smile again, afraid I’ve stalled too long to admire her.

“I’m fine wherever we go as long as we go together” I tell her as I fiddle with my stupid tie, eager to rip it off.

She smiles, letting her one dimple show.

I can’t help resist the urge to do what I always do when I see her smile so widely.

I quickly poke her dimple and laugh as she flinches away.

“Hey!!” She says, holding her cheek now so that I can’t do it again.

“I’ll let that slide, only because we’re grabbing food” she orders before unlocking her door and running out before I have the chance to do what all gentlemen should do and open the door for her and escort her in.

-*****-

Kiss (Past)

“Are you jealous!?” She screams at me, shoving me aside to reach for the doorknob.

I grab her arm and pull her away, making myself the gatekeeper of the door to my apartment.

“This has nothing to do with jealousy” I say as she tries to pull me away from her only exit.

Once she realizes it’s impossible, she shoves me against the door as hard as she can before storming off into the kitchen.

“He’s not that bad once you get to know him Jae” she finally says, trying to calm herself in hopes that I’ll let her leave.

“Ya until you drop your guard and he uses you like he has used every single girl in the past and boasts about it to every damn soul at university!” I unintentionally raise my voice and it startles her.

She looks at me with her watery eyes, cheeks red from embarrassment and her eyebrows furrowed in anger.

I regret making her feel like this but I don’t regret keeping her safe from the scumbags we go to uni with.

“He’s not good for you Liz” I add.

The rain outside has intensified and we both hear the thunder before seeing the lightening.

The giant water droplets are hitting each window of my apartment hard, and the noise of the winds sends a chill down my spine.

“I’m only trying to protect you. I made a promise to your father I would do anythi-“

“Don’t you dare bring him into this” her voice cracks, and I can see the tears filling her eyes.

“You don’t owe him anything and you don’t owe me anything” she adds as she tries her best to hide her hurt.

“I’m sorry” I say, knowing well enough bringing up her father was a bad idea. Especially since he passed away only a few months back.

“I’m going home” she says as she wipes her eyes in one fast movement, “I don’t know why I came here tonight”

Her words sting, but I know she doesn’t mean them.

I continue to look at her as she grabs her leather jacket from the living room and then reaches for her Law books that are scattered all across the floor.

I don’t know why I’m being so protective. I should let her explore. I should let her be with whomever she wants. I shouldn’t care so much.

I walk towards one of her textbooks and grab it.

I keep my other hand in my pocket, clenching my fist has always helped me keep calm in situations like this.

As I walk towards her I notice she’s stopped packing up.

Her tears haven’t stopped, and her buttoned nose is slowly turning a shade of red.

I crouch down beside her and place her textbook beside the ones she has.

The thunder shakes the room once more and the lightening lightens our faces as we stare at one another.

“Why have you never tried?” She starts, holding back a sob.

I’m confused by the question but know better than to cut her off.

I wait for her to continue.

“We’ve been friends for so long, you’re the only person on this entire damned planet that knows me, yet you refuse to show me yourself” she says through a sob.

I feel my heart tighten at the sight of her. How broken she seems and how hurt she is.

I have no words to say at this moment because I also don’t know the answer to what she’s asking.

There is no doubt in my mind that I love her. There never has been.

But I also refuse to force her to choose me. I’d never put my own wishes over hers and she has all the right to find out who she is as a person before adding someone else into the equation, whether that be me or anyone else.

“You’re tired Liz, you can sleep in my room for the night. We can talk about this tomorrow.” I say as I get up from where I’m sitting before she can analyze my expression.

“Do you or do you not love me?” she raises her voice, her question is not a question but an order.

I freeze in my steps, grateful that I turned around before she asked so that I can hide my expression.

The only sound now is the whistle of the winds outside and the crackle of the water hitting the windows.

“Jae...” she whispers as she walks towards me.

She holds on to the back of my shirt, I feel a slight tug as she tries to pull me to her and the sound of her sniffles take over.

“I do” I finally answer.

“Then why don’t you show me” she adds, the sound of her voice is nothing but pain.

My mind and body are now fighting against one another. All the control I’ve ever been able to contain is slowly peeling apart.

I’ve wanted to be with Elizabeth since the day we met.

I’ve wanted to hold her when she cries, make her laugh when no one else can. I’ve wanted to protect her from everything that has threatened to harm her and I’ve wanted to be the only one in her eyes.

I’ve wanted so much from her and that is exactly why I have never shown it.

Love cant be out of greed. Love cant be out of necessity. Love cant be one sided.

I’ve loved her so much that I’m afraid it might be too much. I’ve wanted her for myself and I’ve chosen to hide it because I don’t want to control her.

She is her own self. She is her own person. She deserves whatever she wants.

“Jae.... answer me” she says as her voice cracks from fear of rejection.

I turn towards her then and finally look at her.

Even now, even at this state, I only see beauty.

Her curls slowly untwisting, her green eyes are dark, her eyelids are a slight shade of pink from crying so much. Her cheeks are red, and her lips are begging for contact.

She’s staring at me, analyzing everything I’m doing, everything I’m thinking.

I try to avoid her gaze but it’s impossible.

It’s at this moment I realize I love her too much to hide it anymore.

The walls I’ve built to hide away my feelings are paper thin now.

I slowly raise my hands, sliding one hesitantly around her small waist, pulling her closer to me.

She lets out a soft gasp as her body presses against mine.

I haven’t been this conscious of how I look in a while, but I can’t help remind myself that my hair is not made, I didn’t shave this morning, and my sweatpants and tank top probably don’t seem so flattering.

But I don’t care anymore.

My other hand raises up to her face, I use my thumb to wipe away her tears before pushing her soft curls behind her ear to get a better view of her puffy red eyes.

I bend my face down slowly, brushing my nose against the tip of hers.

She shuts her eyes to savour each moment of contact and I continue to analyze the beauty before me.

I feel my heart racing as I feel hers against mine. Her hands are now traveling up my body, and slowly wrapping around my neck.

Everything I’ve ever learned about control is shattered in my mind.

I press my lips against hers.

My mind ignites with thoughts of want and desire.

She wants this kiss as much as I do.

I feel her press her body closer to mine, going on her tippy toes for more control.

I slowly move us to the living room couch, refusing to break the contact at any moment.

I move away from her lips only to continue kissing everything else I love about her.

I start with her eyes, hoping to erase the tears that fell. I kiss her ears next, to erase the hurt she’s ever had to hear. I kiss her cheek that hides the dimple I love so.

I kiss the side of her jawline and make my way down to her neck, leaving love marks to claim what’s mine.

She gasps, and I hear her whisper my name and I wish I could hear her say it on repeat for the rest of my life.

I kiss her chest and her stomach and watch her clench her fists to control her own desires.

I stop only for a second to look at her.

We both have lost our breath and are staring into one another’s eyes for assurance that this is real.

“I love you” I finally say.

She gets up only to press another kiss to my lips.

“And I love you” she adds before I grab her waist and push her down to continue what we started.

-*****-

Studying Abroad (Past)

“I will miss you every day, every hour, every minute, every second” I say to her as I check in my bags and grab my boarding ticket.

“And I will miss you more than anything in the world” she says back as we walk towards my gate.

We both have dreams we want to accomplish.

Liz wants to become a lawyer, I want to join the police force. We are mature enough to know that we can’t stall our dreams, for anyone.

So moving abroad was a decision we both settled on.

And besides, we weren’t moving that far away from each other. I’d just be a few cities away and she would still be in Seoul.

Of course we wish it didn’t have to be this way, but we also know we have to make sacrifices in order to gain the things we want.

“I love you” I say for the billionth time today before pressing a long kiss to her lips.

She smiles as she wraps her arms around my neck and slowly plays with my hair.

“And I love you” she says with a wide smile.

I press my finger into her dimple and she rolls her eyes.

“Will you ever get rid of this habit of yours?” She wines.

“Nope” I grin.

*Flight 267 is open for boarding. Please show your ticket to the flight attendant before entering the Plane.*

We both sigh in unison and I can’t get myself to be the first to break the contact.

She knows this so she unwraps her arms and moves away.

“Call me when you reach” she says, trying her best to hide her sadness.

“I will.” I say before pulling her close one last time to kiss her soft lips.

“Now go!” She adds as she hears the announcement once more.

“Smile for me” I say, hoping to see her happy before I have to leave.

She rolls her eyes but gives me what I wish for and I can’t help but kiss her dimple once more.

“Time will fly by” I say before I grab my bag and begin to walk away.

“Remember me when you’re a hot police officer!” She yells from where she stands.

“And remember me when you’re a hot lawyer!” I yell back before making my way into the plane.

-*****-

The Out Break (Past)

I’ve been in the police academy for 3 years now.

My final year starts this coming fall.

I chose to stay at school this summer to focus on my studies and to get ahead of everyone else.

Liz was sad but understanding as she had a lot of exams to study for as well. She has only a year left of her grad school and soon will be living her dream as well.

I’ve made a few friends here at the police academy and things are going well.

I’m the top student in all my classes and my professors seem to really like me.

In fact, today I had a meeting scheduled with the Dean of my university who specifically asked to see me.

My professor told me he didn’t know what the meeting was about but he said it must be good.

I had called Liz earlier today and mentioned all of this to her and she was ecstatic, which only made me more excited as well.

“The dean is ready to see you Sir” said a man in a tuxedo, by the entrance of the office.

I nodded my head and thanked him before following him towards the office.

Once I entered the room, I noticed the man lock the door from the outside, and then I noticed the two security officers standing on either side of the deans desk.

The dean himself looked directly at me. His white hair was shining, his wrinkles emphasizing the knowledge he’d gathered over the years, and his lazy smirk acknowledging my presence.

“Sit down officer” he says, his voice deeper than expected.

I take my seat on the other side of his desk and continue analyzing the things around me like we have been taught in our courses to do.

“No one is planning to hurt you Officer, you can relax” he laughs.

“That’s the last thing I’d do after someone says that to me” I half joke, but then choose to relax a bit.

“I called you here today to speak to you about early graduation and entrance to our Special Ops group”

My eyes widen, and I feel as if I’ve heard wrong.

“You will graduate with a 4.0 GPA, honours status, and a full time position in the Special Ops force if you choose to accept” he reiterates.

“With all do respect Sir, this doesn’t quite make much sense.” I finally reply.

“I need your talents boy. You have what it takes to be a part of a group I’m formulating for the government.” He adds on.

The dean shifts in his chair, leans forwards slightly and pushes a folder over to me.

I stare at it, afraid it might burst if I touch it.

The dean stares at me patiently, waiting for me to open up the secrets within.

“There is an epidemic coming our way. No news has been distributed in order to keep the country calm but it is something that will hit us hard. There is no stopping it, and we need our best men working to reduce the harm that will be done”

“What is it” I cut him off, my heart slowly racing at the thought of something like this affecting our country.

“We have no name for it yet but the virus causes loss of memory, and muscle spasms. Whomever is infected no longer can control themselves, and grows a tendency to hurt those that share the same traits as them. As in, these infected humans will harm other humans and spread the virus until everyone is infected.”

My heart drops and I have no words to express how I feel. I open the folder in front of me to see pictures of men, women, children, elderly, all infected, all sharing similar symptoms. A trace of blue blood dripping out of their mouth, black veins under their eyes, and a loss of colour in their skin.

I am utterly horrified.

“We need you to exterminate any threats that come our way. We have a headquarters in central Seoul, we will fly you back if you wish to accept the position. You will learn how to take these things down. We need you Officer.”

It doesn’t take me long to respond to what was being asked of me.

These things were a threat to us.

I wouldn’t allow the ones I love to be hurt because of them.

“I accept”

-****-

Come Home (Past)

“Jae it’s been a year” she was pleading on the phone.

“You know I can’t come back now” I explain, as I’ve done numerous times this year.

“I miss you” she says softly, I can hear her crying.

“I miss you too, but I need to stay here. Every day the virus spreads. It’s almost where you are! I can’t let it get to you. I have to continue fighting it off”

I push my fingers through my hair and look to the sky in hopes to feel right about my choices.

“We can fight it off together! You and me! Jae you don’t have to do this alone” Liz says in anger.

“I can’t have it get to you” I answer.

“Decide then” she pauses, almost uncertain of what she’s about to say, “me or them Jae. I just need an answer so I can move on”

She’s crying now.

“Hey... Liz... you know I’m doing this for you” I say softly, hoping it will end this.

“So it’s them.” She cuts me off in anger.

“Liz, no, it’s you, it’s always you, I just need to do this for a little longer. I promise to come home soon”

“Sure, whatever. I have to go. Goodbye Jae”

The call cuts off.

I rub my face with my hand and let out a loud, tired sigh.

It’s my shift in the cells downstairs in about five minutes and everything in me doesn’t want to go down there and kill right now.

My pager goes off then, an alert about one of them trying to escape.

I sigh once more and get up from my chair.

Before leaving my room I look back at the desk I was leaning on.

I stare at the diamond ring placed in the center, waiting to be worn by the only one I truly care about.

I sigh once more and open my door to go down to the cellars.

-****-

Blue Blood (Present)

It’s been 4 months since my last contact with Liz.

She refused to pick up any time I tried to call her and I never received a reply from her after sending her numerous letters in hopes that she would read them and call me.

I missed her immensely and I had decided it was enough.

I planned to go speak to the General in charge of our team and ask for some time off.

I needed it.

After almost two years of seeing nothing but pain and hurt, I needed to see her smile. To feel her in my arms and to kiss her lips like I used to.

I missed her laugh, her smile, her dimple, and her mind.

I wanted it all back and I planned on getting it.

After my final shift today, I would go directly to the General.

I promised myself this.

For the final time today, I put my quarantine suit on, wore my goggles, grabbed my weapons belt, and reached for the ID folder of the thing within the cell.

The file requested for an immediate extermination as this thing was infected for too long and nothing could save it now.

“I can’t wait to grab dinner after this” James, a fellow officer, joked around as I walked passed him.

I nodded in agreement and waited for him to open the first door to the cell.

“Get this one down swiftly Jae! Then we can all leave early” yelled James as I walked in.

I smiled and nodded my head once more before he closed the first gate and I waited for the second to open so that I could end the misery of whatever was inside.

As the first gate shut completely, the second began to open.

Slowly but surely, the thing in front of me became visible.

It was only then that I felt the entirety of my existence rip to shreds only to be sewn back together to be torn apart once more.

The creature in front of me was dripping blue blood.

It’s arms were tied down to the chair it sat one.

It’s legs were bloodied and torn, small bugs eating away at the rotting meat hanging off.

It’s curly brown hair was tangled and ripped, and the once tanned skin I knew was an ugly shade of grey.

It then looked up at me and my heart broke into such small pieces that nothing would be able to fix it.

My hands began to shake as I fumbled to open the folder in my hands to confirm the identity of the thing in front of me.

“N-no.” I fought the urge to scream as I opened the folder to see her beautiful picture stare directly at me.

“No” I say again as I drop the folder to the floor and begin back tracking towards the entrance.

“Is everything okay Officer?” I hear James say through a mic as he watches me from the outside.

I ignore him and continue staring at her.

She’s tied down but biting away at the ropes on her wrist to let herself free.

She smells my blood and I know what she’s trying to do but I can’t get myself to react.

She’s lost so much weight.

She’s staring at me with so much rage that I want to die.

I hear her growling and my body doesn’t know what to do.

I feel the tears leave my eyes before I have a chance to realize I’m crying.

Elizabeth. Liz. My Liz.

This can’t be it.

She unties one of the ropes and frees one hand, biting away at the other while staring at me.

“Jae, you need to exterminate now! It will untie the ropes and come for you!” Yells James through the mic.

My hand somehow reaches for my gun, probably because of the thousands of times I’ve reached for it before.

My body is reacting to the situation while my mind refuses to.

“NO!” I scream through my hurt as I look at her.

She’s still Elizabeth.

The green in her eyes is gone, the smile on her face is nonexistent, but it’s still her.

I begin to regret every single choice I have ever made in my life and I look at the only thing that ever mattered to me now and can’t help but feel pain.

I put my gun down.

“Liz.... it’s me” I begin to walk towards her, fighting away the tears falling down my face.

“OFFICER JAE PICK UP YOUR GUN AND SHOOT IT!” Screams James as Liz unties her other arm and rises from her chair.

“Liz... Elizabeth.... it’s me. it’s Jae. This isn’t you, you can fight this” I say to her as she snarls and begins to slowly walk towards me.

“I was going to come home. We can be together again.” I begin to blurt out random things, but the closer I get the more I realize she’s only coming to me because of the smell of my blood.

She doesn’t remember me.

She’s not Elizabeth anymore.

I scream so loudly I’m afraid it might hurt her.

I fall to the floor, helpless and tired.

“I lost you” i cry out to no one in particular.

Her snarl gets louder and louder. I hear James yelling about something on the mic but I’ve zoned him out.

I can hear someone running towards me, and I know it’s Liz.

At this very moment I realize I have nothing left.

I realize I lost the only person I ever cared for.

I reach for my gun at the side of my hip again as I hear her come closer and closer to me.

I look up to see the hunger in her eyes intensify at the sight of me and my heart shatters one final time as I see the decay beginning where her dimple used to be.

I raise the gun up in front of me.

The gates to the door have opened and I see others rushing in to stop what is about to happen as Liz makes her way to me.

I think about the ring sitting on my desk.

I think about the life I could have had.

I point the gun to her heart.

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