#in my defense I am in the middle of a horrible family emergency

[lovelyisadora]

got a ten page proposal due tomorrow ✌️ have zero pages written ✌️

#what’s wrong with me lmao #anyway I feel horribly sick again!! and have to work tonight #and did not get any sleep #so uh. I don’t think the writing is gonna happen #in my defense I am in the middle of a horrible family emergency #but my prof was like too bad I’m only paid to work through June 15 get me the draft now or you’re being inconsiderate #and I was like ??? ma’am my sister relapsed and lost custody of my nephew and CPS didn’t give him to my mom and now we’re in a legal battle #like Jesus Christ sorry I’m trying to help my family get custody of my autistic eight year old nephew #grad adventures

[yiminsuu]

Please, Stay

Pairing: MK1 Syzoth/Reptile x F!Reader

Warnings: Sexual themes (+18), breeding, two cocks, angst and fluff, self-esteem issues, jealousy, friends to lovers, mentions of violence.

Author’s Note: Did I buy a ps5 just to play MK1? You bet. He needs all the loving in the galaxy and we'll give it to him no matter how much it costs! Please the way his family was taken from him was just so cruel, baby boy didn't deserve it...

Shattering noises reached my eardrums as I stepped into the kitchen of the academy, watching Syzoth sigh in desperation while his emerald eyes stared at the broken cup on the ground. I felt my heart breaking at his lost expression, yet I ceased all desire to touch him and walked away as silently as I could.

Since meeting Liu Kang and the others my seemingly normal life took a toll, transforming me into a 24/7 killing machine with 0 possibility of my enemies ever escaping Kombat. According to the Fire God, I always had this in my blood, now I just have to balance it… I just didn't expect that coming to a different realm and being incarcerated by a maddened sorcerer was the way to do so. That's where we met him, that's where we crossed eyes, that's where I fell enchanted by him.

Perhaps it was the anxiety of meeting someone new, or maybe I wanted to punch someone for the horrible things done to the people of Outworld, but there was no way of knowing I was attracted to what Baraka called a 'Zaterran', at least not at the time. Seeing Syzoth in his real form was surprising because I had never seen his kind, but the reptilian didn't know this, and in the beginning, I was sure he hated me to the core. He kept a certain distance from me unless I engaged against someone, he had my defense just like I had his, I didn't think much about it to be honest, I was sure he wanted to stay on the good side of the rest.

So when I spoke with Ashrah about our teammates in the gardens at tea time, she made it clear that she wanted me to talk more about Syzoth, indicating how protective he was over me when our battle against Quan Chi and Ermac took place, or when Li Mei chased after me when I made a mistake. I mean… I am practically a child compared to them, I found it normal that even Johnny would aid me at all times. I did notice their growing friendship as time passed, I was happy Syzoth could grieve his family in peace, and that he can have a joyful life from now on, yet after so much I don't think he's comfortable with me, don't think he'll ever be.

"Sometimes, people need to reflect on their past to come to peace with their mistakes."

"Thanks Ashrah, not undermining your achievements, but just because you did it doesn't mean others can do it as easily."

"Then why not come with me and Syzoth to Outworld? We will have a chance to speak our minds while we have dinner."

I declined, didn't feel like being the third wheel.

Realizing I was jealous was quite easy, but I swallowed it down, it's normal for me to get my hopes up to then be crushed mentally and emotionally. I was in silent rage, and I almost broke Raiden's skull in a friendly kombat so I decided to retreat to my accommodations with Liu Kang's permission who, weirdly, didn't stop smiling at me as I left. Following my encounter with Syzoth, I sprinted to my room and screamed into the pillow with genuine self-hatred for not asking if he was okay, and with regret in my mind, I drifted off to sleep.

Subsequently, waking up in the middle of the night to knocks on my door scared me, I thought there was some sort of emergency and I hurriedly opened the door to freeze immediately at the sight of the reptilian, he looked stunned at the speed in which I answered that he visibly gulped. "Syzoth, hey… I-Is something wrong?" Don't take me wrong, I did try to have conversations with him plenty of times, but he either avoided or ignored me, so I just gave up. "Do we have an emergency?"

I jumped in place when he changed into his reptile form, speechless at the action, we stared at each other in silence until his human form came back with a deep exhale. Even then, Syzoth refrained from saying a word for a good minute and turned to walk away before stopping and muttering something under his breath, cursing slightly. "Can I-- Can I come in…?" He questioned loud enough. With a furrowed eyebrow and with a growing heartbeat, I let him into my room and closed the door gently, once I glanced at Syzoth, his back was turned to my figure, and his head hanging low.

I cleared my throat, getting his attention, but he wouldn't budge from his position. "Did something happen? Is Johnny bothering you with the whole movie thing?" It's 3 a.m. but I'm sure Cage is still awake doing whatever an actor does in hopes his movie would be a success. "I can speak with him." I finished. Frowning at the lack of answer, I crossed my arms and my anger built up fast in my body. "Look, if you only woke me up to stand silent in the corner of my room you might as well leave, we'll speak in the--"

"Do you hate me?" I shut my mouth and widened my eyes at him.

Hate him? How could I? He's saved me more times than I could count. "Why… Why would--"

"I've seen how you watch me, how everyone watches me." There was so much sadness in his normally soft voice, his beautiful eyes staring into my own with every emotion he could find. "Do I look that monstrous, (Y/N)? Do I look so hideous you can barely withstand me to be in your company? You turn away every time I try to be with you in the same room, is it because of my true form…? Do I scare you? Or is this human skin just as mundane for you?" Syzoth transformed into his Zaterran form again. "Will I receive hate from you no matter what sort of shape I possess?"

Nothing came out of my lips, mostly because of the shock from his unexpected outburst, Syzoth looked away and took a few steps back from me, his whole demeanor changing into one of desolation. The room got darker when the moon hid behind clouds as if to make the reptilian a cruel favor. "Syzoth…" I called but got interrupted.

"Someone like you will never see me as an equal, and I should have known, but you… Looked so innocent in that cell that I couldn't resist securing you from harm. I beg of you, forgive me if I intimidated you as far as not accepting a dinner invitation, I want you to know you are the last person I ever want to hurt in any way. I'll stay away, just… Don't look at me with those eyes, the eyes of someone frightened, not you…"

Without thinking, I placed my hands on his reptile cheeks, his pupils dilating under my touch, he felt cold but I didn't let that bother me, there's nothing about him that could bother me. "I don't hate you, okay? And I'm not scared." I uttered to him, and in a flash, his human shape graced me, staring down at me with a glow in his eyes I'd never seen before. "But, you were--"

"Syzoth, you are the kindest soul I've met, you did everything you could to protect your family, you helped us defeat Shang Tsung and saved our lives countless times. Besides, I couldn't care less about your appearance, you are so handsome, soft-spoken, and courageous." I pursed my lips as I saw something shift in the way he looked at me, maybe I should've said something more worthy of being seen as his friend instead of stating the obvious, I have a crush-- No, I am full in love with him. I felt as if the world was torturing me all this time, and I failed to see I was the one torturing him with my avoidance of solving my own problems. "You mean it…? All of it?" Syzoth's hands rested on mine, his body slightly closer to touch mine.

"I do. I was surprised the first time I saw your true form, I'm not gonna lie, but I've grown accustomed to Outworld's unique beauty… What I did not like, on the other hand, was being called 'freakish'." I smiled brightly when he chuckled, the tension between us quickly evaporated, but I knew something changed. "I am sorry, you are anything but freakish." He paused, and my cheeks grew hotter as my hands were held by calloused ones. I gathered the little braveness I had and spoke. "I actually thought you hated me, you observed and followed after me everywhere, I was sure you wanted to kill me at some point."

"Oh, I didn't mean--" With the light of the moon, I saw his expression turn into a nervous one. "No! (Y/N), have you seen yourself in a mirror? You look so lovely, so breedable…"

Both of us stopped to process what the reptilian said.

Syzoth covered half of his face with his hood while I stood in place, screaming internally. "Fuck… I didn't want it to come out like that, I wanted to take you out first." I was thrilled at the thought of him having me how he desired, so I shut my mind from judgment and gulped down my anxiety, and kissed his cheek. He gazed at me with widened eyes, letting go of his hood and leaning closer to me, pecking my lips experimentally, so delicately as if I was going to break in his arms. I felt hot at the sensation of being wanted, and kind of ashamed for judging his relationship with Ashrah.

The Zaterran halted all movement to gaze at me. "I need your mind right here, baby. Please." I almost whined when he pulled me to him, kissing him as our clothing came off and sitting on his lap while he moved his head down towards my stomach and pressed open-mouthed kisses against my skin. "Your mouth feels good…" When I looked into his eyes, which were already staring back at me, I felt myself relax, his eyes were so soft and held so much love, that I felt like my heart was going to burst at the sight. Syzoth pressed his lips against my breast, squeezing the flesh of my thigh, enjoying how I shivered underneath his fingertips. I gasped when he bit my chest, breath hitching when he snapped away my underwear, inhaling my body as if it was the sweetest flower he found.

I kissed his forehead and embraced him by the neck, receiving a groan from him promptly. My breathing was turning heavy as his hands traveled from my thighs to my buttocks, pressing me against his clothed manhood. "W-Was that dinner supposed to be a setup?"

"Yeah… Truth be told, if you had gone I would have bent you over right then and there." Dammit Ashrah, you should've given me a hint. I shoved away the thought of her and planted a kiss on his neck, a breathless 'more' left his lips, sliding his remaining wear down and I gave out a wail when I felt two hard cocks on my behind. "Syzoth, you--"

"You don't have to take both, it's fine. I know this isn't something humans see every day…" He's going to be the dead of me, and the worst thing is, he knows about this by the expression he's wearing now. A soft mewl echoed in the room when one of his cocks brushed against my hole, he almost salivated at the sight of our bodies prepared to join together. "I promise I'll make you feel good, extremely good." Syzoth smirked as he laid on my bed, his thumb playing with my clit as his tip kept teasing my entrance, choked moans leaving my mouth and my fingers went to grab his short hair.

I let out a desperate whine when he suddenly entered me, my lips shaping an O as his finger abused my clit. "Syzoth…! F-Fuuck!" The sound of my wetness made me feel so self-conscious, but the way he looked so lost in pleasure excited me to no end. He retreated his finger when I arched my back, my walls clenching around his still-entering cock. "So warm… So perfect…" His piercing, green eyes kept eating at the scene, and his lips let out a sound of thrill for being able to be completely inside me, pushing my body against his as I shook above him, the moan that left me was unholy.

"Yes, yes, shit…" I heard him utter nonstop, his tail appearing to grasp around my thigh.

"Y-You’re stunning…" I told him, and the reptilian groaned deeply at my words, sitting once more and kissing me hungrily as he began moving. Syzoth bit my shoulder and spread my legs further apart so he could thrust deeper, he smiled weakly against my trembling skin, hugging me tightly as he felt his other cock rubbing against my asscheeks. I pushed his torso into mine, tears brimming in my eyes and both moaning between kisses. "Just like that, pretty… Take me all in…" I managed to nod, pulling Syzoth into another kiss as my legs wrapped around his torso. I was becoming desperate, the feeling of his cock stretching me out felt heavenly, I could feel every inch of him as he moved inside of me.

Syzoth grunted, tightening his hold on my body so it would become impossible for me to escape. "Fuck…!" He cursed loudly, forehead pressing against my neck. "(Y/N), please (Y/N)! Let me cum inside…!" His tip pressed against my cervix, and I attempted to shift my position a bit but his hold was unbreakable. He looked so needy with that fucked expression of his, so gorgeous with sweat running down his muscle, and purely swallowed by pleasure and pain alike. My forehead rested on his and he gasped, finally moving his hips faster, he was trying to reach the deepest depths of my being.

I could feel the love radiating off him in every action, the way he kissed me, how he embraced me, the affection in his eyes… I could feel it all, tears cascaded down my cheeks, kissing his lips. "Don't let go of me…" I whispered, holding onto him as my hips moved in sync with his. Syzoth whispered my name like a mantra, followed by many words of adoration amidst our lovemaking. "I will never let go."

#mortal kombat #mortal kombat 1 #mortal kombat x reader #mk #mk1 #mk x reader #mk1 x reader #reptile #reptile x reader #syzoth #syzoth x reader #mk reptile #mortal kombat reptile #mortal kombat imagines

[tossawary]

The 3-day trial system in "Ace Attorney" is absolutely nuts. I know the game is intentionally making fun of corrupt & dysfunctional legal systems and is also upping the pacing to create a sense of urgency & excitement, but I truly underestimated just how hysterically funny it would be to play this trial system. They have created some WILD logistical worldbuilding.

Like, someone gets murdered on Day 1. Phoenix Wright finds out about this on Day 2 and goes to talk to them. This person has less than 24 hours to find their own legal representation before a public defender is assigned to them, and Phoenix has to do his own investigating before the trial tomorrow morning. Day 3 is the first day of the trial, in which Phoenix is doing everything he can to prove innocence and somehow also solve the actual murder in the middle of court, and hopefully at least get the Judge to agree that they need another day of investigation and interrogation. There's an in-universe rule that a trial can only go for 3 days, so by Day 5, the third day of the trial, this nonsense needs to be wrapped up. The first game doesn't explicitly say that this is a death penalty system, but it's heavily implied at points, so depending on the case, Phoenix has THREE DAYS to potentially SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.

And this is all hilariously, horribly BONKERS for Phoenix, but it's just as awful when you start getting into all the little bureaucratic details of trying to make this legal system actually work. A public defender might get a case at 5 PM for a murder trial at 10 AM the next morning?! (I know public defenders are often horribly overworked IRL. This is part of what the game is mocking.) Autopsies are being performed within, like, 12 hours of the murder?! They're getting results back from the forensics labs within 24 hours?! How much of the city budget is SPENT on law enforcement?! The overtime hours must be horrifying. No wonder things are constantly falling through the cracks; people are fucked if their defense attorneys are on vacation that day or if the witnesses aren't answering their phones that day.

And, also, like, did the courthouse not have OTHER trials scheduled for that day? Are they reserving a courtroom in this courthouse for emergency murder cases? Even if there's a 3-day limit to speed things up, it's a big city, shit happens, how are they seeing people this quickly? Are there just separate courthouses for all crimes below various degrees of murder? (Obviously, family law and small claims and minor crimes and such must be handled somewhere else, but still.) Or are people in Japanifornia getting last minute calls from the overworked scheduling people at the courthouse like, "Hi, witness for an assault trial, your testimony has been rescheduled because someone was murdered last night. This could take 1-3 days. We'll let you know." Then that poor witness is like, "Shit, I took a day off of work for this??? I have to call my boss again now. Fuck you!!!"

It's tempting to write an AA fic about a series of murders in this world, in which people are obviously being framed for these crimes but it's not clear who the real murderer is, because this is all happening to keep postponing a different trial, because murder cases apparently go to trial immediately in the AA universe as #1 priority. Someone needs this extra time to steal the evidence from the police station and frame someone else for their crime, because if this postponed trial goes to court, then a different, older, unsolved murder is sure to come to light.

This features a public defender OC who is... the most exhausted person... of all time... trying to hold the line of human rights. The burnout rate must be horrifying.

#tossawary ace attorney #fic ideas #character death #phoenix wright #long post #spoilers

[whobobreviewsstuff]

Review - Breaking Bad Season 1 (SPOILERS)

Finally finishing season 1, how does this season hold up from when I last watched it? 6 YEARS AGO? The results were pretty damn great as I would say. The show has a strong first season.

From the first episode, you get hooked into this crazy ride of Breaking Bad, entertaining you with its dark comedy and over the top violent scenes but also make you really care about these characters. Walt in the first season is not exactly that bad if you exclude the fact that he makes and sells drugs. He wants to provide for his family when he is gone, he cares so much about Jesse, he feels guilty over making really hard choices like killing two thugs and bombing a drug disturbitor's place. It all sounds righteous even if for doing bad shit. Walter hasn't exactly done anything horrible to be considered a truly evil man but the steps are there. He still wants to be recognized but he does it in a really hurtful way, he enjoys having thrills from messing with people, he lies to the people he loves, he belittles his partner and so on. While I can't say Walt is really heinous in this season, the red flags already emerged. This season he goes from having ptsd over killing a thug in self defense to bomb a drug kingpin's place to get his and his partner's drug money. It's a real interesting progression (or regression in morality sense) to see how Walt reacts to the criminal underworld and how he adapts to it quickly. We already knew Walt has a giant ego, so it wasn't that hard for him to adapt to it but regardless, some choices he made along the way and how he feels about this violent cruel world, he still has some soul left in him and how that vanishes slowly as we see in the show, it'll come.

Jesse already starts getting cruelity from the world he lives in. He is an addict, so his parents disowned him after many attempts at Jesse promising to get clean, his house gets wrecked (but thats kinda also on him), his partner treats him like shit and he gets beaten up by a drug kingpin. While Walter did get some harshness from criminal underworld, it was Jesse who suffered more. He does try to get better, trying to work on a job but they reject him for not passing high school. I can imagine Jesse's life in high school being rough, always having the need to prove to his parents he is something but all that expectations as well as having stress makes him choose drugs. Jesse hasn't seen the last of these cruelities yet.

As for other characters, Skyler gets suspicious of Walt but still tries to be loyal to him only for that to slap in her face. I always felt sympathy over Skyler in this season but rewatching it, it makes it even clearer that she keeps getting gaslighted by Walt and soon she'll be in a prison Walt built for her. Hank is just your average racist and cruel cop that tests Walt's masculinity but still is a really cool member of Walt and Skyler's family. Marie does criminal activities like Walt except not in a way that can damage others that much compared to Walt does. Marie isn't the biggest character of this show but I like seeing getting some pieces of her stories here. And lastly, this season gives us our first major antagonist, Tuco Salamanca who is just vicious, cruel and over the top and I love him so much for that. And I also am scared of him.

How does the episodes stand overall? My favorite episode is Crazy Handful of Nothin' which gives us a kickstart of Walt finally blending into the criminal underworld and introduces Tuco. My least favorite is Cancer Man but it's still a solid TV. I was curious how Season 1 would land, especially after having stronger seasons of this show but season 1 proved itself to be one of the best first seasons of TV. Strong start with some really incredible episodes already. My only complaint about this season is that the season finale doesn't exactly feel like a season finale, it's your typical middle episode of a season but regardless, season 1 finale is still a great episode on its own.

So with all that being wrapped up, I can happily give season 1 a perfect score.

Grade: 10/10

See ya on season 2!

#Breaking Bad #Breaking Bad Spoilers

[angelinarecs]

Updated Pacific Rim Recs

Organized by pairing (or gen) and then alphabetized by title. Summaries (which have been copied from their respective stories) and descriptions are provided. Notation at the end of the description indicates if a story is completed or a WIP.

Gen

Take Up Your Spade and Break Ground - Tendo Choi is a 911 dispatcher because it pays well and because he’s damn good at it. He doesn’t take the job with the expectation of finding a family – but sometimes the people who call end up up meaning a hell of a lot, and Tendo’s never been one to stay detached. Friendship/Family. Tendo POV, very well written and the plot is original. A great AU overall. I really loved following Tendo and his relationships to the Shatterdome people through his work at 911. One-shot.

Hermann, Newton Friendship

All the Colors of the Rainbow - The first thing Newt noticed about Hermann was that he was a neat freak. Well. Okay. Maybe not a neat freak. Maybe just an ordinarily-neat person who didn’t like kaiju guts in his work space. Sharing a lab was going to be a challenge … Drama. Am I reccing this because Newt is autistic? Yes, yes I am. Also, these drabbles do wonders at showing the day-to-day struggles of Newton and Hermann sharing a lab. One-shot.

Hush Now - Hermann is upset and Newt tries to cheer him up. It either goes horribly wrong or horribly right- he’s not sure. Hurt/Comfort. Hermann gets an unfortunate phone call from his father and Newt is there to pick up the pieces. Drabble length, but still sweet. One-shot.

Not Unwelcome - Set directly after the events of the movie. Hermann leaves the celebrations to give himself some space, away from the loud people clapping him on the back, away from the happily drunken crowd, and, maybe, a bit of space away from Newt. Naturally, the moment he disappears, Newt goes after him. Minor angst ensues. Friendship/Angst. Cute, fluffly, indulgent, everything you want out of a feel-good story. An enjoyable read. One-shot.

Tröstung - When Hermann is three years old, his mother gives him a stuffed lamb. Angst/Friendship. Following Hermann through the years in his interactions with his  comfort object (an adorable sheep names Oskar). The premise and structure of the story really does a nice job at providing snapshots in Hermann’s life and development as he grows into the brilliant scientist he is. The story also provides a brief insight into Hermann and Newt’s relationship. One-shot.

Hermann/Newton

a ghost will be here in my stead - Hermann is feeling under the weather. Hurt/Comfort/Fluff. Post Uprising. Hermann falls ill after pushing himself too far to save Newton from the Precursors. Newton picks up the pieces. One-shot.

A Hand That Hold No Weapon - On their way back to the Hong Kong Shatterdome, Newton helps Gottlieb adjust to the after effects of drifting together. Drama/Hurt/Comfort. A much needed story after Hermann and Newton drift. Fun story, okay writing. One-shot.

A Momentary Lapse of Reason - It’s Newton’s fault, really. That Hermann is stuck on the floor of the Kwoon, feeling more than a bit useless and broken. Fluff/Hurt/Comfort. Hermann pushes himself too hard trying to physically work out his self-loathing. Newton is there to pick up the pieces. One-shot.

A Not so Simple Cold - Herman is sick. Really sick. He, however, is choosing to ignore how sick he is which Newton does not agree with. Fighting ensues but some realizations about their feelings for one another also come to a head. Fluff. One of those sickfics that’s not particularly original nor well written, but definitely scratched the hurt/comfort itch when needed. One-shot.

A Warm and Gentle Tug -  Hermann has a fear of having his blood drawn due to the fact that he always passes out or gets sick while it happens. This time around however, Hermann takes Newt along with him to his appointment to help ease him. Hurt/Comfort. Not the best writing here, but the relationship is fun. Mainly reccing because I have the exact same problem getting my blood drawn. One-shot.

Battered and Bruised - When Hermann comes to Newt’s defense, it doesn’t end well. Hurt/Comfort. Short and somewhat sweet. Newton and Hermann try to fix each other up after getting into a fight at a bar. One-shot.

Blue All Over - The worst one was recorded on a cold dreary day in the autumn of 2021. Hurt/Comfort. One of their many, and possible one of their worst, lab accidents. Herman is a self sacrificing idiot and Newton is at least fast on his feet. One-shot.

Collision - A kiss gone wrong. Romance/Humor. Hermann and Newton being dorky and clumsy. Cute, but short, story. One-shot.

Dehydration Sensation - Hermann doesn’t handle heat well. Hurt/Comfort. Hermann doesn’t take care of himself in the middle of a heat wave and Newt once again has to pick up the pieces. Including obstinate, delirious, and dissaproving Hermann alongside exasperated Newton! One-shot.

Homeostasis - The K-science laboratory stands on its own plane of existence; life within its concrete walls runs in parallel to life in the bigger world of the Hong Kong Shatterdome. Yet even here the laws of physics apply. Whenever Hermann’s body isn’t failing him, Newton’s mind is on the verge of breaking. Hurt/Comfort. The scientists have a rough day in the lab. I really enjoyed the contrast of the mental and physical given that each Hermann and Newt suffer from their own handicaps. Seeing the ailments as both a foil and a complement to each other was a very compelling look into their relationship. One-shot.

Incessant - Hermann’s physical limitations frustrate him to tears. Angst. Newton tries to help Hermann after a fall, Hermann is frustrated that his body won’t cooperate with anything. Poor Newt has to make this situation at least bearable for both of them. The selling points for this story is mostly domestic science boyfriends and an accurate depiction of the frustrations that come with being disabled/handicapped. One-shot.

Keep Your Mouth Shut, Keep Your Guard Up -  Hercules Hansen does not understand why Hermann won’t just tell him why he got in a fight with the new J-Tech. It’s obvious who came out worse for wear. Hurt/Comfort/Romance. Hermann just wants to protect Newton, they just keep getting into trouble. So wonderfully in character. I love these two. One-shot.

Laundry Day - “I must have almost popped the question a hundred times, but the timing never seemed…right, you know?” “And you decided nearly killing me in the middle of laundromat was the Platonic ideal of romance, did you?” Aka the one where Hermann launders Newt’s jacket and finds rather more than he bargained for. Hermann/Newt. Romance/Humor. This story is just so cute. I love how the everyday interaction between Newt and Hermann turns into such a touching/adorable moment. One-shot.

Oh, They’re Gonna Have to Fight Me - The Drift makes them realize they belong together. Now that they cancelled the apocalypse, there’s nothing left for them to do but live out their lives in happiness. That is, until Hermann realizes there’s more to the nightmares that Newt keeps having. (In which they don’t spend those ten years apart, and Hermann is there to figure it out and save Newt when the Precursors start taking over him.) Fluff/Angst. They win the war, get married, and live happily ever after until they don’t. If you were anything like me, the sequel really disappointed on the whole “haven’t seen you in ten years” bit. This is the fix-it that we needed for our science husbands as Hermann has to navigate his relationship with Newt while realizing exactly how compromised his husband truly is. Complete.  

Pride - Newmann oneshot. Newt takes Hermann on a date to his first LGBT parade- fluff through and through, except for a little reference to acephobia. Romance/Friendship. Am I reccing this entirely because Hermann is asexual? Yes, yes I am. Also features cute relationships, Newton coming up with a bunch of “queer” orientated pet names for Hermann, and some good points about sexuality. One-shot.

Somewhere, Something - Newt and Hermann start dating in the rush of change the end of war brings. Each of them is frightened that the other doesn’t realize what he’s in for. Hurt/Comfort/Angst. The science boyfriends help each other out as they grow closer in their relationship. I really appreciate the take on both mental and physical health issues. Two-shot, complete.

strange perceptions - The most essential question to pose, obviously, is why is Hermann presently finding himself contained in a shut-down emergency decontamination unit with only his lab partner as company, having forgone not only the process of actual decontamination but also the process of being noticed by anyone at all. The answer is frustratingly straightforward: because Newton. Angst/Hurt/Comfort. In which feelings are shared and realizations come to. I really love the dialogue, character introspection, and use of flashbacks in this story. I also love the fact that it literally took getting stuck together and completely helpless to force them into a conversation about feelings. One-shot.

Strong Enough - the Precursor in captivity, nobody knows exactly how to get Newt back to his old self, if that’s even possible. But Newt was always stubborn, and damn if Hermann would ever give up on him, or, worse yet, let him give up on himself. Emotional Hurt/Comfort/Angst. Hermann is going to get his husband back, even if he has to fight the entire Shatterdome, the alien possessing his love, and his own nightmares to do it. Another precursor!Newt fix-it, but we need all of those that we can get because I want my science husbands to end up happy. One-shot.

Taken Care Of - Newt helps out Hermann when he’s having a bad day. Hurt/Comfort. A short and fluffy slice of life story that follows the companionship of Newt and Hermann through a rough day. One-shot.

The Ghost and Dr. Priestly - Newt is pulling an all-nighter in the university library studying for a chemistry test, when he begins to hear strange sounds. Good news: it’s not a ghost. Bad news: he only finds out after giving his lab partner, Hermann, a mild concussion. Drama/Romance/Hurt/Comfort. Newt is an unbelievable idiot and poor Hermann suffers the consequences. Or, Hermann is concussed and is probably not thinking properly, but he still kisses Newt even after the daft man nearly brained him with a book. One-shot.

Tricks and Treats - Seven fics for the seven days of Gottbleed week (Oct. 5th-11 2015). Each story: 1. Is Gottbleed 2. Fulfills an OTP prompt from tumblr 3. Is newmann and 4. Is Halloween related. Trick or treating, costumes, haunted houses, ghosts, too much candy - and much more! Cute, funny, with a side of seriousness. Humor/Drama. Hermann and Newton make such a fun couple and these somewhat Halloween themed shorts perfectly show off their characters. Complete.

You and Your Dog Teeth - Desperate to find ends and solutions, Hermann wears himself out to exhaustion looking for answers, especially his already lame leg. Being around as his usual working late night companion, it’s up to Newt to help take Dr. Gottlieb home. What seemed entirely like a normal night only ends with two scientists realizing there’s a lot more between them than they thought. Angst/Humor. Such a fun story, this has a good balance between emotional tension and moments of hilarity that only the K-science boys can fully pull off. The awkward approach to romance in this story works very well for the characters and give an authentic feel to the whole thing. Two-shot, complete.

You Know I Love You: I Wrote It Down - Drs. Geiszler and Gottlieb’s relationship goes back almost ten years. We know this because the paper trail goes that far back, too. Romance. Where do I begin with this story? It’s so well done and amazingly written. I can’t get enough of it. The idea to follow the relationship of Hermann and Newton through their paper trail was brilliant and well executed. The sheer nerdy romance is amazing. I don’t even care if it has smut in it, it’s still well worth the read. One-shot.

#Pacific Rim #pacific rim fanfiction #hermann/newton #hermann gottlieb #Newton Geiszler #romance #hurt/comfort #angst #so much fluff #science husbands

[olietus]

Humans are space orcs - Devin

This story is semi-related to 'Resentment' that I wrote earlier, but I'm not yet sure to what capacity. I feel quite excited to write and experiment a little with these characters and concepts, and I'd be delighted if anyone has any feedback, advice or even writing prompts. I hope you enjoy. (:

Edit: I've noticed that none of my work shows up in the 'space orcs' tag anymore, so please go and take a look at my blog if you find this interesting. It'd help me out tremendously.

------

Zolt'chk, or Zolt for short, was bored out of his mind. Or at least as bored as an Arachi could be. He'd been left with the more janitorial duties on board the small space station, and it was as far from exciting as it could get. They were a tiny outpost in the middle of nowhere, along one of the longer routes through dark space. They were, essentially, an interstellar gas stop... And it sucked. Nothing interesting ever happened here, and if it did he was bound to miss it while he was forced to vacuum debris from the many hangars, corridors and living areas.

Or, that was what he'd assumed would be the case, anyway. But this day turned out to be quite extraordinarily horrifying. Somewhere around noon absolute hell seemed to break loose, as the alarm suddenly sounded, drowning out almost all other sounds on the station, and then an alert message was broadcasted through the transmission system.

"ATTENTION PLEASE. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. A HOSTILE A-1 CLASS PREDATOR, A HUMAN, HAS ESCAPED CONFINEMENT AND IS LOOSE ON THE STATION. CIVILIANS AND WORK PERSONNEL ARE ADVISED TO STAY WHERE THEY ARE. SECURITY PERSONNEL PLEASE REPORT TO CONTROL. I REPEAT, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY."

His chitinous body suddenly felt incredibly cold and stiff, more so than normal. He'd never seen a human, but he'd heard the stories. They were a fearsome predator species, massive and strong, faster than most other races, and nearly unkillable. A race of monsters. His four spindly legs quivered and he sank down to the floor, his bulbous abdomen pressed against the wall. He felt horribly exposed like this. Anyone who entered the hangar would be able to see him right away, and if the human saw him... He'd undoubtedly become its dinner. He let out a low whine of despair and desperately started too look around for a hiding spot, but he was much too big to fit into the nearest storage crates, and the ships in the hangar were locked down and secured, aside from a maintenence shuttle or two on the far end... He motioned to get back up on his feet to look more closely at those small ships, when he suddenly heard extremely loud noises coming from the other side of the hangar doors, followed by shots that echoed through the air, bouncing off the metal walls to create an unbearably loud and terrifying cacaphony that left his head spinning and aching. He clicked with his mandibles in fear, and felt the panic engulf him. The shots and screams were getting closer, they'd be through the door at any moment...

That's when he spotted the air vent. Its protective grid was slightly ajar after a screw had loosened, and the metal glimmered in the sharp, white light. He was frozen for a fraction of a second, and then something crashed against the closed door with a loud thud. He was up and gone into the vent before the creature came barging through the door, narrowly missing Zolt's escape.

The insectoid didn't have much issue with crawling through the vent, as they were fairly generous in size due to the need for easy access for maintenence. Still, it felt like the walls of the air duct were closing in on him, suffocating him. Yet he crawled further, feverishly trying to escape from the loud noises and deadly bullets. It was so dark in here, his eyes were more or less useless, and the trembling of the many mechanical systems that kept the station in working condition caused a constant low vibration that interfered with his other senses. His world in here was a dark and foggy mess, filled with static. Even so, it was safer than out there, with that thing...

------

He wasn't sure when he'd fallen asleep, or if he'd perhaps fainted. The air duct was cool and quiet, the ever present low hum of the station embracing him like a calming blanket. No screams, no shots... Just him, alone in the dark. He dared to let out a relieved chirp, feeling like he could finally relax and make his way back to where he came from. He turned around and started to scuttle his way down the air duct, passing a few cross sections before he took a sharp right and froze in place.

Before him was a creature he'd never seen before with his own six eyes. Illuminated by the light of the room below, filtered through the grid underneath its front appendages he saw two big, bright eyes stare back at him. Its face was pale, its skin splotched with red and orange dots, as if sprinkled with a paintbrush. Messy tufts of red hair fell around the oval face, a small protruding snout in the middle, and below it a surprisingly small mouth, open in shock. He could see its predatory teeth glistening in the light.

They were both stunned silent for one breathless second... and then the human screamed. He had never heard such a sound in his life, and he reeled back in agony as the screech sent violent vibrations throughout his body. He screamed in pain and tried to drag himself away. "P-please don't kill me, please!", he wailed, feeling how his body started to freeze up in panic. He could see the light from the hangar, the grid still gone, but he couldn't move. He couldn't even call for help. All he could do was to whimper helplessly, feeling how his booklungs were slowly cut off from the air as he rested his heavy body against the cool metal of the air duct. He felt like he was about to pass out again, but then he heard it. The unmistakeable sound and vibration of something creeping up behind him, closer and closer... He keened  feebly, his whole body shaking. This was it, this was the end. He was going to die, he...

"Are you okay?"

The voice was thin and shaky, dripping in fear. Still, the tone of concern was undeniable. Zolt didn't answer. His head was still reeling.

"I won't hurt you.", the human insisted, and he felt an unfamiliar warmth on his abdomen. He managed to slowly lift his head, staring back at the creature. She had placed her hand on him, and if he hadn't been terrified he might've found it strangely comforting. He clicked with his mandibles, his legs twitching as he slowly began to regain control of his body. "W-what do you want?", he asked, surprised at the tone of defiance in his voice. The human quickly retracted her hand. She was quiet for a moment, her head dropping slightly. He now noticed that she was shivering. She sniffled.

"I just want to go home. They took me from my family... I don't know where I am... I... I don't know what to do...", her voice trailed off and she made a series of sharp inhalations, followed by a low keening sound in despair.

Zolt'chk was stunned. Was this truly a human? Now when he had started to calm down he felt less and less intimidated by her. In fact, he pitied her. If she were human, she was clearly a weak one, probably feeling helpless on her own. She wasn't necessarily harmless, but...

The human suddenly looked up at him again, her eyes wide and pleading. He'd never seen such an expression before.

"Will you help me? I have to go home... Please... They'll kill me. Th-they want t-to harvest my... They want to...", she put both her hands over her mouth, suffocating a low wail. Zolt wasn't stupid. He knew what she meant. They'd had customers come through here who spoke of or even used human hormones to get the craziest of highs. He'd heard that it had to be... harvested, as it were, from live humans but... He hadn't known it'd kill them. Weren't humans nearly unkillable?

He wasn't entirely sure what possessed him to do so, but no matter how he looked at it, he couldn't let someone kill this poor creature. He thought for a moment, searching his memory for a solution. He then looked back at her and gave a weak affirmative chirp. "I'll help you.", he said, and the surprise in the human's eyes was palpable. He pushed forward, not allowing himself to pause and think, knowing that his resolve would shrivel away. He motioned for her to follow him as they both quietly scooted along the vent until they could peek out into the hangar, which was thankfully empty. After waiting a minute to make sure the coast was clear, they both climbed out and landed with low thuds on the hard floor below.

As they stood there, Zolt was startled to find just how small the human was. He was easily at least three heads taller than her, and when it came to their respective bulk he was surely three times her size. If she curled up a bit she'd probably fit rather snugly in his abdomen. Not that he'd ever eat her. His race wasn't carnivorous, at least not in the same sense as humans. The young woman seemed equally surprised at their compared sizes, but got over it much quicker than her alien accomplice. "Now what?", she asked as she looked around, her face more neutral and curious than before. The big insectoid turned around and swiftly moved accross the hangar, the human following him close behind. He stopped in front of one of the small vessels which were used for outer hull maintenance or short distance transports of small crew teams. It was quite fortunate that he'd thought of them earlier. The massive forcefield that separated the ship bay from the cold space buzzed assuringly. Ships could easily slip in and out of it, but debris would promptly be destroyed upon impact. He put his claws againt the red metal of the vessel. "Take this. It's small, but newly refueled and should be able to--", he said but was abruptly cut off as the entire security force on the station came barging through the door, weapons raised and trained towards them.

Zolt defensively raised his front legs, about to explain the situation, when he saw movement to his side and then felt his neck twist and his exoskeleton strain under an unbearable pressure. He was pushed in front of the human, who had locked him in an iron grip with her elbow, using him as a shield between the soldiers and herself. His hearts staggered in terror. He had completely underestimated her. The girl raised her voice, steely and confident; the quivering vulnerability from before completely erased. "Lower your weapons, or the shrimp dies."

The air was tense with fear and apprehension, and Zolt cursed himself. He'd been so stupid. He should have known not to trust her. The guards slowly lowered their weapons, but only half way, hoping for an opening. He then felt her breath close to his head, and he stiffened. "You have long legs. Open the ship for me, will you?", she said, but it wasn't really a question, but a demand. They stood just next to the airlock of the small ship, and he could easily maneuver the door open despite the position he was in. As soon as it opened, the human pushed them both through and closed it quickly as the shots started to hail towards them. He was pushed down into a corner where he remained, stunned and terrified, as the girl ran up into the cockpit and started the engines with surprising proficiency. The small ship raised off its supports, hovering in the air for a few seconds as the bullets outside klinked feebly against the sturdy hull, and then suddenly...

Blast off. He was pushed back hard against the wall, and the engines screamed like banshees as they shot the little ship violently forward, bursting through the forcefield barrier and into space at breakneck speed. Within a minute they were enough of a distance away from the station and the redhaired human engaged the FTL drive. Never in his life had he ever seen such reckless driving.

The disoriented Arachi sat numb for he didn't know how long, until the human suddenly plopped down in front of him and he flinched violently. "That was quite awesome. You did great." He looked up at her in stunned silence. The girl stood tall over him, her lips parted baring her white teeth. "W-what...?", he whimpered. She gave him a sturdy pat on the arm. "I made it out thanks to you.", she said and crouched down in front of him, once again appearing small. "Sorry for scaring you, but I did what I had to do. I'm free now, I have a ship, and once the worst of the buzz dies down, I'll drop you off at a planet, station or ship of your choosing." He motioned to speak, but was cut off. "Unless it's a police or military ship... Or station, or... Well, yeah. I just don't feel like going back to jail, you know?", she chuckled. He didn't know what to say. She grinned widely at him.

"What's your name, by the way?"

"Uh... Zolt'chk."

"Nice to meet you, Zolt'chk. I'm Devin."

#humans vs. aliens #humans are weird #humans are space orcs #empty space #devin #zolt'chk

[thebabushka]

Thanksgiving

The first "thanksgiving" happened in October of 1621, but the constructed history and significance of that event has been over 500 years in the making.  When I was a child I liked Thanksgiving because it meant family time.  When I became a man I felt angered and betrayed by the truth of the holiday.  Now, as a father, I see Thanksgiving as a teachable moment - a chance to properly frame the history of the day while still enjoying time with my two boys, my wife, and my family.  Holidays are a wonderful chance to remember where we come from, what is important to us, and how we got where we are.  Mark Twain is attributed as saying something to the effect of "history doesn't actually repeat itself, but it often rhymes."  Thanksgiving gives us a lot of opportunity to reflect on this.

In order to better understand the first Thanksgiving, we start nearly 100 years earlier in the 1530s.  The King of England, Henry VIII, wanted to annul his marriage to Catherine of Aragon (she was the first of what would end up being six wives), but the Pope wouldn't allow it.  So the King declared that the Pope was no longer the head of the church.  This set England on a path that renounced Catholicism in favor of the Church of England as the ultimate religious authority, and set the King as the head of that Church.  100 years later, it was not acceptable in England to be any sort of Christian other than as part of the Church of England.

The King of England was a powerful man who may have usurped a religion to get what he wanted.  The religious intolerance of England back then echoes to recent times as strife between Protestants and Catholics in Ireland.  And while today England is full of people who are allowed to practice other religions, it is interesting that in 1620 the pilgrims to America were the "wrong kind" of Christian to be in England.  (Perhaps there will always be "wrong kinds" and "others" in our society, and perhaps the test of our virtue isn't in the certainty of our beliefs, but in our tolerance for alternatives.)

Intolerance was a problem for the group of Christians who would become the Pilgrims, and that intolerance ran both ways.  They wanted to be separate from the Church of England, and to worship in their own way.  But such dissent would not be tolerated and they were persecuted.  So they fled England and moved to Holland where there was some acceptance for differences in religion.  However, these separatists didn't like their children learning dutch and adopting dutch culture.  They found it hard to integrate with Dutch society while retaining strict adherence to their own specific religious and cultural doctrine.  So the decided they needed to move again.

The Separatists were immigrants in Holland, but without the willingness to integrate they could not make Holland their home.  They themselves were intolerant of their new host country.  England wouldn't tolerate them.  They wouldn't accept Holland.  And they refused to change themselves.  Their self-imposed isolation led them to the idea that they could be left alone in America, and land with no King, to do as they pleased... and they intended to establish a new society based on their specific and strict religious and cultural beliefs.

So they worked out a deal with England (and I am simplifying this a bit).  England would give them passage to America, where they would prosper and work off the debt for this passage by sending surplus back to England, to the profit of the investors.  Because of this, the Pilgrims weren't the only people on the Mayflower.  With them were indentured servants they forced to come along, and some "company men" who were responsible for seeing to the financial success of the colony.  In their journals, the pilgrims referred to these people, with whom they would have to live and work, as "the strangers".

So the forces that brought the pilgrims to America were both religious and financial.  Here was a group of people divided between those seeking to create and spread their idea of a religious haven, and those who wanted to make money.

Fortunately the obvious conflict came to a head early, and before they stepped off the boat to start their new colony they wrote and signed the Mayflower Compact, which established a secular government for the colony.  The leadership for the colony would not rest in religion, but would be shared by all.  Well... not all... 41 men signed, out of the 101 total passengers on the ship.  Women, indentured servants, and children were not given authority to participate in the compact and did not sign it.

But this story isn't just about Pilgrims, it's also about the New World: America, and the people who already inhabited it.  While it's likely Norse sailors (specifically Leif Ericson around 1003) were the first Europeans to North America, Christopher Columbus is the most well known.  Ponce de Leon was the first to reach what would become the United States.  These explorers and those that followed brought with them horrible epidemics of disease, for which the native population had no defenses.  Not only were their immune systems unprepared for the new diseases, they had no experience or medicine for treating these new illnesses.  There is no conclusive estimate of the population of Native Americans living in what would become the United States before European explorers arrived, but credible attempts have estimated a population as low as 2 million, and as high as 18 million.  Similarly, we can't know how many died to disease, but we do know that whole villages disappeared after the arrival of the Europeans.  And we know that by 1900 there were only about 250,000 Native Americans left.  Which means that 400 years after Europeans arrived, the population of Native Americans was reduced by somewhere between 90 and 99%, with some tribes disappearing entirely.

When the first settlers started to arrive, they weren't coming to an empty continent.  They were coming to a place where people had been living for thousands of years.  They had trails, and traded with one another.  They had separate and distinct cultures and languages.  They had specialized skill sets and industries.  But now they were all being devastated by unrelenting waves of epidemic disease and war brought by visitor after visitor looking to exploit the resources of the new world.  Those that survived smallpox were still vulnerable to measles, and plague, and new variants of influenza.  Imagine wave after wave of disease killing half or more of the population over and again.  Those who didn't die still got sick.  Who gathered the food?  Who tended to the ill?  It was devastating to the people, and their cultures.  Their infrastructure crumbled, their population reduced, and their way of life was decimated.  The effect of such devastation to the psyche of a people is beyond imagining.

And so it was when the Mayflower arrived 130 years after the first explorers.  On their first two expeditions ashore the pilgrims found graves, from which they stole household goods and corn - which they would plant in the spring.  On their third expedition they encountered natives, and ended up shooting back and forth at each other (bows versus muskets).  The Pilgrims decided they didn't want to settle in this area, as they had likely offended the locals with their grave robbing and shootout, so they sailed a few days away.  They found cleared land in an easily defended area and began their settlement.  This fantastic location was no happy accident.  Just three years previous this place was called Patuxet, now abandoned after a plague killed all of its residents.  The Pilgrims will say they they founded Plymouth, but it might be more accurate to say they resettled Patuxet.

By the time the Pilgrims found Patuxet it was late December, and they huddled in their ship barely surviving the brutal, hungry first winter.  By march only 47 souls survived, though 102 had left port 6 months before.

There were, roughly, three different groups of local Natives.  They had been watching the pilgrims carefully all winter, just as the pilgrims had been watching them.  In the days before there had been frightening encounters between pilgrims and natives, and the pilgrims were rushing to install a cannon in their emerging fortification.  They were on high alert, and expecting confrontation.  Given the history, mutual fear, and mistrust, a violent encounter between the two groups seemed imminent and unavoidable.

The story many of us were told is that Squanto and a group of Indians approached the pilgrims, as if neither had ever seen the other before, and in greeting Squanto raised his hand and said, "How".  The actual truth is that a visiting chief named Samoset strode, alone,  into the middle of the budding and militarizing pilgrim town and said, "Welcome Englishman."  And then he asked for a beer.  (Truth.)  It turns out Samoset was visiting local Wampanoag chieftain Massasoit, and he spoke some broken English, which he had learned from the English fishermen near his home.  He took it upon himself to open negotiations with the new settlers.  He told them about the local tribes, and brokered an introduction to Chief Massasoit, with whom the pilgrims ultimately signed a treaty.

Along with the treaty came Squanto, a Native American originally from the now defunct Patuxet tribe.  Squanto was invaluable to the Pilgrims.  Not only could he act as a translator, but he also knew the local tribes and the area itself.  It was where he grew up.  He knew what food was available, what crops to plant and how, and he knew not only the language but the disposition and history of local tribes.  Speaking with the locals isn't enough if you can't discern their desires and motives.  Squanto was a great friend to the English Pilgrims, and acted in their interests, sometimes to his own peril.  

How did Squanto learn English language and culture? Squanto had been kidnapped by the English captain Thomas Hunt in 1614.  Hunt abducted 27 natives, Squanto among them, which he sold as slaves in Spain for a small sum.   These hostilities, just years before the arrival of the Pilgrims, are the reason for the initial animosity and aggression toward the English Pilgrims when they arrived, and why the natives were wise enough to attack the English, even if their bows were not a match for English muskets.   Exactly how Squanto survived in the old world, or how he got from Spain to England, is unclear.  It is known that a few years after his abduction, Squanto was "working" (likely as an indentured servant) for Thomas Dermer of the London Company.  Dermer brought Squanto back to the location of the Patuxet village in 1619 as part of a trade and scouting venture, but the village had been wiped out by disease.  After acting as translator and negotiator for Dermer on that trip, the now homeless Squanto stayed in America and went to live with Pokanoket tribe.  The terms of this arrangement are not clear.  It is possible Squanto was a prisoner of the Pokanoket, and that he was "given" in a trade that allowed the Dermer to exit a dangerous situation.  Regardless, Squanto chose to live out the rest of his life with the Pilgrims in his childhood home of Patuxet, now renamed Plymouth by the (re-)colonizing English Pilgrims.  Whatever the exact details, Squanto was one of the most traveled men in the area - having been born in America and spending time in Spain, England, and Newfoundland.

Squanto's time with the pilgrims appears full of adventures.  He was sent as an emissary for peace and trade on behalf of the pilgrims to numerous tribes.  It also appears he leveraged his influence among the Europeans to make some of his own demands from these tribes, which drew the ire of many local tribal leaders.  Chief Massasoit even called for Squanto's execution.  When William Bradford (Plymoth's Governor) diplomatically refused, Massasoit sent a delegation to retrieve Squanto from the Pilgrims.  Again Bradford refused, even when offered a cache of beaver pelts in exchange for Squanto, with Bradford saying, "It was not the manner of the English to sell men's lives at a price”.  Squanto was very valuable to the Plymoth colony, but he died in 1622 of "Indian fever".

In October (most likely) of 1621 the Pilgrims celebrated their first harvest.  The was indeed a harvest feast attended by 90 Native Americans and 53 Pilgrims.  Both groups brought food and games to the three day celebration.  But this was not the start of the Thanksgiving holiday in America.  It was a harvest festival, and harvest was common ground that both cultures celebrated.   The American holiday of Thanksgiving was first celebrated as such when George Washington and John Adams declared days of thanksgiving during their presidencies.  This was followed by a long period where subsequent Presidents did not declare such events.  A writer and editor named Sarah Hale, most famous for penning "Mary Had a Little Lamb", began to champion the idea of a national "Thanksgiving" holiday in a 17 year campaign of newspaper editorials and personal letters written to five different Presidents.  Perhaps because of her insistence and the popularity she garnered for the idea, Abraham Lincoln revived Thanksgiving as a unified national holiday in 1863.  A few years later Congress enshrined it as a national celebration on the 4th Thursday of November.

And this is my Thanksgiving.  It's not the simpleton's story of an awkward greeting followed by a good meal.  It's the story of a King who wanted a divorce, religious self-righteousness, the greed of men, a clash of cultures, a struggle for survival, loyalty and betrayal,  the creation of a national holiday intended to help mend a nation torn apart by civil war, and the myths we created to tie us all together.  As always, truth is a much more engaging and explanatory than a politely shared fiction.

[moonys-howl]

Sirius sighed, his breath calm and relaxed. He was home, there was nothing better than being here, than being wrapped up in Remus' arms.

They were tangled together, Black's head resting on Lupin's chest, listening to its continuous beat, Black never even wanted to imagine that beat halting, the song coming to an end. Sirus' left leg was over both of Remus', the lycanthrope's arms wrapped around his boyfriend's shoulders.

Remus was humming to a beat of a muggles song that Sirius recognized, It was Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy by Queen, a muggle band that was one of Sirius' favourites. The Dark haired boy smiled to himself, nuzzling further into his light haired counterpart's chest.

"I love you so much, Padfoot" Remus whispered, hand gently tracing shapes on the other's shoulder with a thoughtful smile.

"Love you too, Moony" This was how it was meant to be, Padfoot and Moony, together, in love, warm and content.

This wasn't how it would stay, this wasn't even close. It was only a few years later, it was a cold November 1st. The air chilled and sharp. A thick fog hung in the air, clinging to anyone who wandered through it. There was a commotion, the sound of spells firing, wands snapping. There, in the middle of it all, was Sirius Black, a young wizard who had lost his friends, firing a stunning spell at the Aurors who were trying to contain him. A flash of purple erupted from his wand as he dived to the side behind a bench, tears streaking his usually well maintained face.

Remus arrived, having been told his friends were dead, betrayed by his fiancee. He was the only one who could control Black, what could he do? Who should he believe? What went wrong? Only a week before he had kissed Sirius goodbye, Black whining as he pulled away, saying something about "You had better keep your ass safe, it belongs to me" With a sly grin. Lupin's breath hitched, they wanted him to contain Black, it was the only way, he was the only one Black would listen to.

Remus took some particularly painful breaths, Stepping in front of the garden in which Black was camped. "Sirius? Are you there?" His voice called into the grey veil separating the love struck pair.

"Get away from here, Moony, I can't let you be a part of this." A shaking voice called back.

"Sirius, what happened?"

"It was Pettigrew! He betrayed them!"

"Sirius, you were secret keeper. How could he have betrayed them?" Remus tried to raise his voice, but it was just a blunt whisper. Somehow, Sirius heard him.

"We changed it... I couldn't take it. I thought Peter would be better, less obvious, but he told Voldemort, and now my Godson is an orphan." He could hear Sirius sobbing, a broken cry, something he had only ever heard from Padfoot on two other occasions. The first was when Remus had almost died in the fifth year after a horrible transformation which had left him with a mass amount of injuries and a particularly bad depression. The other was when he had been beaten and thrown out of his original home with his biological family. It ached Remus' heart as he shot a glance backwards at the Aurors, pleading with them to listen to him, they just shook their heads, a sign that they didn't believe him.

With a tentative few steps he moved into the grey veil, looking around cautiously for the last member of the most ancient and noble house of Black.

"Pads... Where are you?" He called out, his voice echoing all around.

"I-I'm here. Moony I'm here. Forgive me, please, I-I swear I didn't do it, I couldn't, they were my best friends, I couldn't. Please." Sirius sounded broken, he sounded hoarse.

"Sirius, what do you want me to say? Because I don't know what to do. I-I just don't"

Sirius looked up from his crouched position on the ground, surrounded by Ash and dirt, his face gashed and bleeding, hair unkempt and wild, the bun it had been in was long gone. His wand was on the ground, it's dark wood poking out of a pile of dirt. Padfoot's clothes were torn and dirty, compared to the perfect state they would usually have been in.

"Nothing, nothing at all. Just, just know this, I love you. I always will."

"I love you so much, Pads, but I don't know what to believe." Tears stung the lycanthrope's eyes as he viewed Sirius in this state, what had gone wrong? What had led them down this path, the path where Remus didn't know whether or not to trust the man he loved. How he longed for the times where they had cuddled in the dorms, pranked their classmates, fucked in the night while the moon was nothing but a crescent.

"Please, please Pads, we can get you a trial, we can do something about it." He begged and pleaded to Sirius, who sat there as if he had resigned himself to an early grave already.

"What is the point, Moony? What is left for me?"

"Me. Me and Harry."

"You'll find someone who isn't me. People always replace me. People always rank higher than me. Harry has his family, they would never let me anywhere near him, He will grow up without me, with people who care."

"Sirius... No... Its not like that at all, he will grow up knowing and loving you, you'll be Dadfoot, like we always joked about. I mean it, please, just come with me." Remus placed a gentle hand on Sirius' quaking shoulder, feeling it shift under him.

"O-Okay, fine, I-I'll try, just, just don't leave me okay, please? I can't do this alone." Lupin smiled at him, his hand slipping into Sirius'.

Remus stood, pulling Sirius to his feet, stepping forwards with Sirius at his heels.

"He's coming out, just don't attack him, PLEASE. He's cooperating. He's not got his wand, it's no where near us." Moony's voice shook, unprepared for any situation that would greet him.

"GRAB HIM" An Auror shouted as they emerged from the mist, the other aurors shifting forwards, before taking SIrius' arms and chaining them behind him.

"Gentle with him! All we ask for is a trial."

Remus watched as Sirius was being led away, into a strange grey, metal box similar to a carriage, with only a tiny window on its left side. Dumbledore had arrived, his steely grey eyes piercing Remus.

"Does he get a trial, Albus? He came quietly." Remus questioned.

"I secured him a trial, whether or not he is imprisoned or executed rests upon you, and whoever defends him." Dumbledore's voice was warm, contrasting the harsh rubble and dust surrounding him. "It will be in two weeks time, do what you can." And with that, Albus disapperated with a loud sound that was similar to that of a horn on a clown car.

---------The trial--------------

Sirius stood in the box, his dark hair contrasting his light surroundings. Remus stood on the other end of the large hall from him, with various other witches and wizards. Some looking sympathetic, some already seeming to wonder which cell Sirius would soon call home.

"The trial of one Sirius Orion Black is now in session" A rather large man called out, his green eyes scanning Sirius inquisitivly, seeming to take a great interest in him. Well, he was the judge, so that made sense.

"Calling one Remus John Lupin to the stand." Sirius watched as Remus stood up, carrying himself as strong as he could, Sirius had seen his Moony do that before, usually after the full moon when he was injured.

Remus looked Black in the eyes while pledging his honesty. The next hour went by quite smoothly, evidence for and against him being presented. He couldn't quite piece together how the jury were feeling, but he had hoped they would see it.

"Mr.Lupin, what do you say to the witnesses who saw the twelve muggles and one wizard die?" Asked a wizard in dark brown robes, in a sharp tone.

"I believe that they saw a confrontation between Black and Pettigrew. And that Pettigrew used a non-verbal spell, as I said earlier, to cause the devastating explosion. Three witnesses had seen Pettigrew bleeding before the explosion, from his hand, and that is from the spot where his finger had been. I cannot say for sure how he cut it off, but I believe that he used to Non Verbal Spell called 'Sectumsempra' to cut off his finger, leaving the only trace of dna we have ever found at the scene. Pettigrew is an unregistered animagus, taking the form of a rat. I was talking to some friends of mine just yesterday, when they mentioned their son acquired a new rat. A rat which I have brought as evidence." Remus motioned to a man beside him, where a rat was in a cage large enough for a man.

"Now, Animagi always something in their animal forms that mimics their human form. This rat, named Scabbers, has a missing toe, the very same one that Pettigrew had cut off. Now, how do we force an Animagi? We use a spell, to make sure you know this is unbiased, Judge, may you?"

The judge muttered a spell, pointing his wand at the rat, who suddenly grew tall, and into a man. A man with scraggy blonde hair, watery eyes and plump cheeks. His robes were covered in blood and Ash, once light grey, now stained dark.

The hall erupted into chatter and panic. "SILENCE" The judge roared. He stared at the man, recognising his face from the file.

"Are you Peter Pettigrew?" He called to the man.

"Y-yes? W-why am I here?"

"You don't know?"

"N-No?" A man who Sirius recognized as the head occulemn shook his head. "Lie."

"N-no it ISN'T! Why am I here?!"

"You are here for the trial of one Sirius Black, with the assisted murder of Lily and James Potter, the murder of twelve muggles, and.. Or so we thought, You."

"He did it!!" Called Pettigrew, his voice frantic, eyes surveying any exits from his small container. It was only a few inches taller than him, but plenty wide enough. It looked like glass all the way through, but was obviously enchanted to be stronger.

"Veritaserum." Called the judge. "Would you remain consistent if I gave you Veritaserum? Shall we use some?"

The next ten minutes were Peter violently trying to resist the potion, and screaming about both Voldemort and Sirius being involved with one another. Which was of course ridiculous.

Eventually, they managed to give Wormtail the potion, seeing the defensive behaviour melt away, and being able to extract a confession.

Sirius spent the next two days in custody as they got everything in order. He was released through the front doors, having bathed and dressed in a suit. Remus was waiting for him, Sirius ran and jumped into his arms, kissing him all over.

"Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank thank y-" Black repeated, grinning into his lover's neck. "For not giving up on me."

Sirius spent the next few minutes talking tp press about the ordeal, before spending two days at home to de-tox.

The next thing on the list was going to Dumbledore and making damn sure he understand who Harry was to live with.

Sirius arrived in Dumbledore's office, Remus at his side. "Professor, I think you know why I'm here, where is he?" Sirius was blunt and didn't waste time going straight to the point.

"Number 4 privet Drive. With his Aunt and Uncle Dursley. I sent them a letter in advance. I am sorry that you have been through all this. I would be glad to allow him to live with you both." Albus' eyes twinkled as Minerva burst in, grabbing both Moony and Padfoot, tears streaked behind her rectangular glasses. " I am so sorry boys, I truly am." She pulled them into a tight embrace before stepping back, looking at them both. " You will both be wonderful parents to him. That I know in my heart."

They went to Privet drive and got Harry with no complaint from the Dursleys, who had despised two weeks with Harry, and never wanted to see him again. They wouldn't. Sirius would make sure of that.

-----Ten Years Later------

" Dadfoot, what happens if no one likes me?" Harry questioned. They were stood on Platform 9 and 3/4, the hustle and bustle of people constantly shuffling, owls hooting and rats squeaking.

"Harry, they won't. They'll love you. I know we do." Sirius grinned, pulling his Godson into a hug, Remus smiled to himself from the side, eventually giving in and joining the hug. They watched together, hands laced, as Harry waved them goodbye. Their little boy. Their best friend's little boy. He wasn't do little anymore. But he was still theirs.

((This is a rough first draft. I'm gonna develop it more in the future, but for now, here it is)) ((au where Sirius gets a fair trial, and Remus manages to find Pettigrew with the Weasleys.)) ((and where wolfstar get married and raise Harry)) ((and where dumbledore actually wrangles them a trial. he's still a twat tho))

[thatwitchrevan]

hey so. I am just going to post some old af Rey fic from 2015 because I’m sad and I just want to.

so these are scenes from an au where Rey is Han and Leia’s daughter and she’s made it to 19/20 without showing major signs of being force sensitive because she’s been repressing her abilities out of fear that she would be like Anakin and Kylo. She’s been dating Finn who is still an ex stormtrooper but who’s been training as a Jedi with Luke, and they’re both in the Republic army together. (Also I made Kira her middle name but everyone close to her treats it like a pet name because Ben named her Kira and liked to call her that when they were growing up.)

-

It was dark.

She was standing in front of a building she recognized from her time on Coruscant: a massive, towered structure of carefully carved stone. She was on the first of many flights of stairs, contemplating the old Jedi Temple.

The mysterious power she felt within her blood and lungs was familiar to her nightmares. Her uncle had described it as a connection to other living things, but to her it felt like a dark and heavy cage separating her heart from her body. Her legs felt light as she began up the steps, but her mind was heavy.

She was heading towards something she didn’t want to see. Or didn’t want to do.

She became aware that there were soldiers behind her, hundreds of them. The sky was dark, and their white armor was scored and dirty. She continued up the steps.

The climb was too easy. Her legs didn’t obey her when she tried to slow them. She was nearly to the entrance of the temple. Somehow she knew it would all be over if she entered it.

It was dark, and though she tried to stop herself, the burden of the soldiers she guided led her into the temple.

-

Rey woke slowly, crushing her eyelids shut and moving her hands to cover them. She didn’t want to wake up, didn’t want to think about what she’d just seen. A horrible weight was in her chest, and she didn’t know if it was dread or guilt. Perhaps both.

She sat up little by little and cautiously removed her hands from her face. Her eyes opened to darkness; it was still night. She rose and headed to the kitchen.

Han was already up, puttering around in his socks and pouring two mugs of caffe. He looked at her over his shoulder with a muted smile and went back to what he was doing.

She sat down at the counter. “What’s got you up so early?”

Han turned around, a mug in each hand, and smiled for real. “Fatherly intuition.” He set one steaming caf in front of his daughter, then took the seat across from her, holding his own. “Same nightmare?”

Rey nodded. “For the most part. Different setting, though. I was at the old Jedi temple on Coruscant.” She sipped her coffee carefully and watched her father over the brim of the mug.

Predictably, he frowned. “Like, uh...Vader? You were dreaming of him?”

Rey lowered her mug and stared down into it.

Han sighed quietly, his own mug coming to rest on the counter with a light thud. “You’re not anything like him, kid. Far from it.”

Rey glared lightly at him. “Please don’t try to rationalize my nightmares. They’re nightmares.”

Han shrugged, concerned and defensive. “Nightmares are serious. I don’t want you to have to have them.”

Rey bit her lip. “I don’t know what you want me to do. I’m scared.”

“Of what? Leia’s fine, Luke’s fine. If you end up being force sensitive, you’ll turn out fine, especially with them to help you.”

Rey rolled her eyes and fidgeted with the handle of her mug. “Thanks, Dad. No fear now.”

Han sighed again, deeper than before. “Okay, fine. Sorry for trying to help.” He leaned on the counter, sipping his caf.

Rey allowed them to sit in silence for a while, trying to decide whether to speak what was on her mind. She drank her caf, feeling the jitteriness beginning. Or maybe it was all her nerves. “Dad...I know you know why I’m so afraid.”

Han shook his head, not looking at her. “You’ve had these nightmares since you were a little kid.”

“Yes, but they’re worse now. Because of Ben, Dad, and you know that.”

Han set his mug back down and gave her a worried look. “You can’t think like that. What Ben does doesn’t have to affect you.”

Rey stood, nearly knocking over her stool. “But he’s my brother! We have a bond that you can never understand! Luke knows! He tells me all the time it’s normal for me to feel this way, like I’m torn apart because Ben is living my nightmares. Every day I fear our grandfather’s legacy will destroy us. Back when Luke and Mom were young, everyone feared for them, but no one is concerned about us! These dreams might not just be fear, Dad. Maybe they’re the future.”

Han frowned up at her. “Don’t say that.”

“Why?”

Han stood up and reached across the counter, grabbing Rey’s shoulders, trying to anchor her. “Because I don’t want you to be afraid of your future. Because you’re my sweet, perfect girl and no force in the galaxy can ever change that.”

A tear rolled down Rey’s cheek. “But Ben.”

Han wiped the tear from her cheek. “You’re not Ben. You’re not Anakin. You’re Rey.” He smiled softly at her, leaned in and kissed her forehead. Then he released her and stepped back, looking her in the eye. “Okay?”

She nodded, more tears falling. As much as she wanted her nightmares understood, as much as she genuinely feared them… nothing felt better than having the faith and trust of her loved ones. Especially her parents, who also mourned Ben, who knew her better than anyone.

Rey sat back down, swiping at her cheeks, and Han followed suit. Silence spread again, and another tension with it.

“You going to Jakku tomorrow?” Han asked.

Rey shifted on her stool, looking down at her cup again. “Yeah.”

Han frowned and dropped his eyes. “Good luck.”

Rey curled her lip and fiddled nervously with her mug. “If you tell me to stay, I will.”

“No… You're not a kid anymore and I shouldn't treat you like one. If you wanna be in the army, be in the army.”

“I do, Dad. But what you and Mom need is also important to me.”

Han smiled at her. It was hesitant, but genuine. “We don't need you to stay if you don't want to. We know you can take care of yourself. I'm serious, Kira, I know this is important to you. Go be a hero.”

Rey returned the smile and took her father’s hand. “Thank you.”

-

Rey was holding Finn’s hand tightly as they scouted, scanning the horizon constantly for First Order troops. In her other hand, she gripped her blaster tightly, though she knew she wouldn't use it if she didn't have to.

Finn squeezed and then released her hand as they approached the crashed star destroyer. “I'm pretty sure they're in there,” he said, pointing. “I can sense them.”

Rey nodded and gripped her blaster tighter. She raised it and fired a warning shot at the hull. “Hey! Get your assess out here, you cowards! You're under arrest by order of the Republic.”

Nothing happened for a moment. Then troopers started emerging from behind and within the wreckage of the old vessel, blasters up. They approached defensively and remained far away, still grouped near the ship.

The captain, an officer without the stormtrooper armor and helmet, looked behind him to check that everyone was accounted for and backing him up, then faced Rey and Finn. “This is a neutral planet.”

“Was a neutral planet,” Rey snapped. “Jakku joined the Republic last night.”

The captain’s glanced at his men, then looked back at her and Finn. It was hard to see at a distance, but it looked like he was glaring at them. “We didn’t know, ma’am. We’ll leave straight away.”

Rey frowned. She didn’t trust them for a second, but she couldn’t refuse them the chance to leave peacefully. “Be sure that you do. Right now.”

The captain nodded in agreement and turned to his men as if to give the retreat order, but suddenly turned and opened fire, followed by the others.

Rey dropped to avoid the initial barrage of blaster fire, then raised her hand while still on the ground and instinctively pushed, through the air, every single one of the soldiers down. They fell mostly on their backs, and fearfully they scrambled up, making a hasty retreat as soon as they had their balance.

Rey rested her head on her knee, suddenly exhausted, and took several gasping breaths. She could feel Finn staring at her.

“What was that?” he asked in astonishment, kneeling beside her. She knew he was silently assessing her through the Force, mostly to see if she was alright.

He didn’t need to ask. He knew perfectly well what that had been, she thought, standing a bit abruptly and inadvertently adding to the collection of sand in her shoes.

He rose with her and stared her in the eyes with his concerned question still hanging off his brow.

She shrugged. Some deep part of her was trying to deny the inevitable conclusion she’d been hurtling toward for months. Maybe, despite everything, she could be free of any cosmic entities, like her father. But she knew better.

“You saw what happened,” she muttered, a bit defensive. “I pushed them, and they ran away.”

Finn shook his head, grinning. His excitement was usually intoxicating, but Rey felt sick.

“You have the Force, Kira,” he breathed, putting his hands on her arms and beaming at her like he'd been waiting for this. He probably had. “This is amazing, love. I knew this would happen.”

Rey looked at her feet, holding back tears. “It seems inevitable in my family.”

Finn rested his palm just barely against her cheek, holding her gently together. “What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy.”

Rey shook her head. “You know about my grandfather. And the old Jedi. My uncle told you. I'm afraid to have the Force. It's dangerous.”

Finn frowned. Rey could feel her own worry rattling around in his chest, along with his own. He wanted to protect her from what she feared, even though he’d always hoped she’d be like him.

But it was clear now what fate had decided to give her, and there was nothing either of them could do but deal with it. He grasped both of her hands with each of his. “Sweetheart, let me teach you to be a Jedi. I'll take care of you. You don't have to be afraid. You're the strongest person I know.”

Rey bit her lip and looked away from him, staring out over the desert landscape, not responding.

Finn released her and watched her with concern. “It'd be more dangerous to not train you. You'll be more of a target. If you're afraid of misusing the Force or being targeted because of it, then the best thing to do is to learn how to use it. And I know I'm not Luke Skywalker, but I'll have to do while he's gone.”

Rey nodded. “I know. I'll train with you. I'm just nervous.”

Finn kissed her hand. “It'll be fine, sweetheart. You'll be ten times the Jedi I am.”

Rey rested her hand on his cheek and kissed him. When she pulled away, she rested her forehead against his, eyes still closed. “That would be quite the achievement. You're the best Jedi I know.”

Finn laughed. “Exactly. Come on, let's finish business here so we can go home.”

Rey looked out over the emptiness of Jakku. Home sounded wonderful.

-

His hand was heavy on her shoulder.

“Rey, look at me.”

Rey shook her head. She tried to pull away, but he held her still.

“Rey Kira.”

His tone reminded her of their mom when she was upset. ‘Rey Kira Organa, listen to me!’

He was insistent, and he wouldn’t let her go. She sighed, she relented, and she turned to face him.

“Kylo Ren,” she said, accusing.

He smirked at her, and now he reminded her of their father, of that crooked smile Han Solo wore when he was teasing. It ached, how much like them he was, and how it wasn’t enough. “You have it, Kira. You have the gift. The curse. Our legacy.”

Rey frowned, shook her head at him. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to turn out like you.”

“No. But you might. And that’s what scares you, isn’t it? That despite all the goodness in your heart, your will to do the right thing, you might be just as much of a disappointment as me.”

He removed his lightsaber from his belt, and Rey started, backed into the frosted tree behind her.

Kylo gave her an amused look. “I won’t hurt you, sister. I just want to talk.” He turned the weapon in his hands, studying it. “With all your nightmares and all your contemplating my failures I somehow doubt you’ve ever considered that maybe there’s a reason why I did it. A reason Anakin did it.”

He looked into her eyes, staring into her in a way that made her feel nervous, vulnerable. Then he held out the lightsaber to her, the opening pointed towards himself. “Take it.”

Rey shook her head, looking at the weapon as if it was a snake he was trying to hand her. It was innocent looking enough, but she knew the blade was a deep dark red, and had spilt more blood than she cared to know.

Kylo smiled, gently, as if her fear was silly and misplaced, as if he meant her no harm. He took her hand, still gentle, and laid the saber in it, pulling away and leaving her with the heavy weapon in her hand.

She gasped as she held its full weight in her palm. She could feel it, the suffering this thing had caused, the death that her brother had brought to innocent lives. She dropped it as if it burned her and glared at Ben, wishing she had her own saber already so she could fight him now.

“There it is,” he said, a hint of triumph in his voice that surprised her. “Anger. A need for justice, vengeance.” He bent to pick up the saber, put it back on his belt. “I’ll tell you a secret, Rey. Everyone thinks they’re doing the right thing.”

Rey stared at him. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Luke Skywalker doesn’t have all the answers, and neither does your boyfriend. The Jedi are shit.”

Rey glared, clenching her jaw. “Even if that were true, it wouldn’t justify killing all of them just so you could start over.”

Kylo shrugged. “Maybe not. But Vader gave us that chance, and Luke went and started trying to bring the Jedi back. I’m beginning to think it’s the only way.”

He took a step toward her, snow crunching under his feet. She moved around the tree to put a bit more distance between them, and he didn’t intrude further, but he looked at her with sincere and earnest eyes. “If you don’t agree with me,” he continued softly, “show me what you would do. How you would fix this. Show me what a Sith should look like.”

“I am not a Sith,” Rey growled.

“Or a Jedi, yet. You still have to choose your path. And remember that the galaxy still needs balance. It can’t just be me against you and Luke and all the other fools you bring under your wings. The Force seeks those who make use of their passion and their anger, who favor aggression, and it will create them if they don’t create themselves.”

Rey shook her head, a tiny movement of disbelief. “You think that’s how this works? You think I’ll be sucked into your twisted philosophy whether I want to or not?”

Kylo raised an eyebrow at her, smirking again. “Isn’t that what you’re afraid of?”

She didn’t answer, just hugged herself against the cold wind.

Kylo grinned at her. “What was it you said to Dad? ‘Maybe this is the future?’ You can’t hide from me, Rey. Not about this. I know exactly what scares you.”

Rey took another step back, her fists clenching tight. “Leave me alone, Ben.”

Kylo shook his head. He, too, stepped back, moving slowly away from her. “Don’t run from yourself, Rey. Think about why you’re afraid.” He turned and head out into the dark woods. “See you soon.”    

#feel like shit just want rey solo back #griffin writes #my aus

[adrianna-m-scovill]

Barson fic #2

Benson had barely gotten the door unlocked before she pushed her way into her apartment, saying, “Lucy, I am so sorry.” She unclipped her badge and set it with her keys on the table. She headed toward the living room, unbuckling her holster, but she froze when she caught sight of the couch.

Her surprise quickly gave way to a familiar flutter in her stomach. It was a feeling that she had only ever felt around one person.

He was on the sofa, his legs stretched before him, ankles crossed. His shirt was unbuttoned at the collar—she could see his suit jacket and tie draped over the back of a kitchen chair—and his head was tipped back against the cushion. One elbow was on the armrest, supporting Noah’s head. The boy was curled on Barba’s lap, his head on Barba’s arm and his face turned toward the man’s chest, sound asleep. Barba’s other arm was curled protectively over the boy, and Benson felt unexpected tears burning in her eyes.

She could hear their peaceful, mingled breathing over the soft sounds of the television, and she didn’t want to wake them. For a few moments, she allowed herself the luxury of fantasizing about things she usually kept buried in the back of her mind.

He could lift his head, his eyes lighting at the sight of her, his lips curving in a slow and sleepy smile. He could casually lift his arm, inviting her over, and she could sit beside him, drawing her legs up, curling into the warmth of her family as Barba’s arm settled around her. She could turn her face up for his kiss, a kiss that would hold all the promise of a lifetime together.

She gave her head a shake, alarmed by the turn of her thoughts and, even more, by the ache of longing in her stomach. She cleared her throat, straightening her shoulders, composing her wayward thoughts so that he wouldn’t see her emotions. She removed her gun and put it on top of the bookcase, then moved quietly toward the couch, not wanting to alarm them.

“Rafael,” she said, softly. She wasn’t sure he would hear her, but his eyes opened and he lifted his head.

He blinked, looking down at Noah, seeming surprised to see him. His gaze slid back up to hers, and she could see the confusion of sleep clearing from his eyes. One side of his lips quirked in a sheepish little smile. His dark hair was mussed, and she suddenly imagined seeing him—just like this, with the crooked smile and the messy hair and the wrinkled clothes—every morning when she opened her eyes. The idea was bittersweet, and she quickly shoved it down.

“Liv,” he said. His voice was low, husky. “Everything alright?” he asked, and his gaze, as always, was too perceptive.

“What happened? Where’s Lucy?” she asked in return. She pulled her jacket off and put it on the back of the recliner.

“She had a family emergency,” Barba said. Before she could ask, he lifted his chin to cut her off and, his voice still low, said, “Everything’s alright, she called a while ago, said she’ll talk to you tomorrow. Your phone must’ve died?”

“It did. And by the time I realized how late it was—Well, anyway, I just wanted to get here,” she said, smiling at her sleeping son.

“You okay, Liv?” Barba asked.

She let out a breath and forced a smile. “Fine, just tired. Did she call the precinct?”

“She saw the news, knew you had your hands full. She didn’t want to bother any of you, so she called me.”

“Friday night, you didn’t have any big plans?” she asked. It was a joke, but she wanted to call the words back. She had no business asking questions to which she didn’t want an answer.

He smiled, but it was obligatory; his eyes were serious as he regarded her. “Was it as bad as it looked?” he asked, quietly, nodding toward the TV.

“Worse,” she said, with a little shake of her head. “And I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Maybe you should,” he suggested. When she opened her mouth, she saw him raise his eyebrows and his chin, and she knew that he was preparing his counter-argument before she’d even answered. She knew his every expression.

Before she could speak, Noah stirred and, looking up sleepily, said, “Uncle Barba? Is Mommy here?”

“Right here, sweet boy,” Benson said, starting forward. Barba shifted and drew his legs back to stand, but she said, “It’s alright, I’ve got him.” Noah turned toward her, and Barba helped lift the boy into Benson’s arms.

She avoided Barba’s gaze as their hands brushed, afraid he would see too much in her eyes. She kissed Noah’s forehead as she straightened with him in her arms, and started toward his bedroom. “Will you read a story?” Noah asked, yawning.

“Oh, honey, not tonight, it’s too late. We’ll read two tomorrow, I promise.”

“Okay,” her son answered sleepily. “Uncle Barba already read to me.”

She swallowed the lump rising in her throat, and managed, “That’s good, sweetheart. Alright, here you go,” she said as she lowered him into his bed. The blankets had already been turned back, and Noah was in his cozy flannel pajamas. His eyes closed as soon as his head touched the pillow, and Benson brushed the curls from his forehead. “Sweet dreams, Noah,” she whispered. “I love you.”

“Lovmommy,” he murmured as he slipped back into sleep’s embrace.

Benson straightened and turned. Barba was in the doorway, watching her, and her breath caught at the sight of him. Cursing her thudding heart, she walked toward him, keeping her expression controlled. As she neared the doorway, he turned a bit to let her pass but didn’t step away.

“Liv,” he said, when they were both in the doorway—Close, too close, close enough for her to smell the muted aroma of his cologne and see the golden flecks in his green eyes and hear the soft intake of his breath, close enough for her to feel his warmth without touching him.

For a moment, they stood there, looking at each other, and she realized something. Barba knew her better than anyone. No one had ever understood her the way he did, not any of her partners, her detectives, none of her boyfriends, not even her therapist. She’d told the doctor things that she’d never told anyone else, but he had still never understood her the way Barba did. Barba might know a few less details about her life and thoughts, but he could read her emotions as well as she could read his. She trusted him implicitly, and that terrified her. She had trusted partners and other cops with her life, she had trusted her doctor with her secrets, she had trusted boyfriends with part of her heart, but she had never—not once in her life, that she could remember—trusted that anyone would be completely honest with her.

Barba was the only person in her life that she knew, without a doubt, would never lie to her. Her faith in him made her feel vulnerable, and that was not a feeling that she could readily embrace.

She reached back and pulled the door partway shut, then turned toward the kitchen. “Want a drink?” she asked, thinking, I need a drink.

“You know what you need, Olivia?” he asked, following her.

She turned so he could see her roll her eyes. “Please, tell me,” she said. “And did my son really call you Uncle Barba?”

He crossed his arms and, standing with his feet apart, smirked at her. Her stomach did a not-unpleasant little squirm. “I thought it sounded better than Uncle Rafael,” he said, with a twinkle in his eyes. He thought it was funny, being Uncle Barba, but she didn’t have the words to express how much it meant to her that her son trusted him enough to fall asleep in his arms.

“Talk to me, Livia,” he said, his voice a soft command.

“I’d rather not,” she answered, again heading for the kitchen before she could give in to other temptations.

“You saw horrible things today,” he said behind her. She pulled the bottle from the freezer without looking back at him. “You had a long day. You’re tired. Upset.”

“I already have a shrink, thanks,” she said, setting two glasses on the counter.

“Whenever you have a day like today, there’s one thing that keeps you going,” he said, and she closed her eyes, trying to breathe normally.

“My son,” she whispered with her back to him.

“Noah,” Barba agreed. “No matter how bad things get, you always know that it’ll be better as soon as you can get home and hold him in your arms.”

“That’s right,” she said.

“You hug him, you read to him, you talk to him about his day. Everything is good and right in the world for a few hours,” he said, and she couldn’t keep the tears from burning her eyes. “And then you tuck him into bed, kiss him goodnight,” he said, and she let out a shaky breath. “You come out here, and it’s quiet. Too quiet.”

She turned to face him. He would see her emotion; there was nothing she could do about that. She had no hope of hiding her feelings from him, not now. “It’s never too quiet when there’s a lawyer in your kitchen,” she said.

He ignored her sarcasm. He was standing in the middle of the kitchen with his hands in his pockets. “You talk to Noah about his day. Who do you talk to about yours?”

“You, at the bar,” she said, spreading her hands.

“That’s not the same,” he answered. “You still come back here. It’s still too quiet.”

“I’m not always alone, Barba,” she said. “You know that.” She was both sorry and glad for the brief wince that flickered across his features.

“That’s not the same, either,” he said. He sounded subdued, but she knew he wouldn’t back down; retreat wasn’t in his nature.

“And who do you go home to at night?” she asked, lashing out in self-defense. He’d already gotten further behind her defenses than any other man. She couldn’t let him the rest of the way in. If she screwed this up—this, the healthiest, purest adult relationship in her life—she would never recover.

He regarded her in silence.

She held up a hand, anyway, and said, “You know what, don’t answer that. I’m not discussing my love life with you.” She turned back to the bottle, twisting the cap off with an angry flick of her wrist. She picked the bottle up but set it back down, with a clunk, and faced him again. “What do you want me to say, anyway?” she asked. “I push people away, is that what you want me to admit? Do you think I don’t know that? I know what my issues are, Rafa.”

“Tell me,” he said.

She shrugged a shoulder and tipped her head. “Tell you what’s wrong with me?” she asked, hating the tears that she knew were shimmering in her eyes. “What’s the point? If you want to leave, just leave, you don’t need my permission.”

But he didn’t want to leave, and she knew that. What he wanted was the one thing that terrified her the most.

When she’d had a tough day, she usually found him before heading home.

When she had a problem at work, he was the one to whom she turned for advice, whether he was trying the case or not.

When she was preparing herself to face the day, she met him for coffee so they could take a bracing walk together.

When she needed unflinching honesty, it was his counsel she sought—even when it was difficult to hear.

When her nanny needed to leave in a hurry, it was Barba who was there without hesitation.

When she was alone at night, after Noah was asleep, when the place was too quiet, whose face did she imagine? Whose knock did she want at her door? Whose crooked smile did she want to make her heart flutter?

It was too late, she realized. She hadn’t meant to let it happen, but he was already in, all the way in, behind her carefully-constructed walls. She could tell herself that she was afraid to risk losing his friendship, and that was true. Continuing to hide from the truth, just because she was afraid of having her heart broken, though, was cowardly. He wasn’t a coward; all she’d have to do was ask, and he would lay his heart before her. She knew that without question. He would throw caution to the wind, and consequences be damned, but only if she gave him permission.

“Thank you for staying with Noah,” she said, through numb lips.

She saw his throat bob as he swallowed. He might not be a coward, but he was afraid, she realized, afraid that she would pull away. He knew her. He understood the turmoil churning within her. He knew it wasn’t easy, and he was just as afraid of losing her as she was of losing him. Still, he wasn’t going to back down and let her hide behind the relative safety of denial.

“It means a lot that you…were here when he needed you,” she said. She pulled in a shaky breath. “When we needed…” She pressed her lips together for a moment. “You’ve always been there when I need you,” she said.

Barba had known, from the moment he laid eyes on her beside the sofa, that she was upset. He’d known that it wasn’t about work, not really. If her emotions hadn’t been so raw, so exposed, this conversation wouldn’t be happening, not yet—but it was still inevitable. They had always been heading toward this moment of truth. When Barba got Noah ready for bed, and read him a story before falling asleep with him on the couch, he wasn’t expecting to have this confrontation with Benson. That wasn’t why he’d come. He wasn’t any more prepared for this talk than she was. He hadn’t wanted it, not like this.

He was forcing the issue not because he wanted to, but because he knew it was what she needed. He didn’t have to say that. He would never do something that he didn’t believe was in her best interest, she knew that. She trusted him.

She loved him, with all the pieces of her damaged heart.

She wanted to tell him. He deserved to hear the words, but they were caught in her throat. They felt too big, too important. Her heart was stampeding, trying to burst from her chest. Her hands were shaking, her stomach burning.

“It’s just me, Liv,” he said, softly. He pressed his lips together and nodded, before repeating, “It’s just me. You and me. Have faith. In me, and in yourself,” he added.

“What if I mess it up?” she whispered. “I can’t lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“What if I push you away?”

“No one digs in their heels better than I do,” he said, with the ghost of a smile turning his lips.

“What if—”

“It’s just me,” he said, again.

“That’s the problem,” she answered. “You’re…too important to me. I’m…terrified,” she admitted.

“What are you afraid of?” he prompted.

“Hurting you,” she murmured. She felt like, somewhere inside of her, a dam was beginning to break.

“I’m tougher than I look,” he said, with a flash of his familiar smirk.

“How could this work?” she asked. Her voice was hoarse with unshed tears. “Our jobs—”

“We can figure it out,” he said. “I would never bet against you when you set your mind to something.”

“No one’s as stubborn as you,” she answered.

“No one will ever fight harder for you.”

That was a truth she’d already known, and she nodded. She took a deep breath and gathered up the shards of her courage, knowing that she couldn’t run away from the feelings welling up inside of her. She’d been running for too long, and it had cost her a lot of relationships. She’d been willing to lose every one of them in the name of self-preservation. Until now.

She walked toward him, and his lips parted as he pulled in a breath. His hands slid from his pockets as she approached. Now that she’d started, she couldn’t allow herself to hesitate. Their gazes were locked, and his eyes gave her the boost of courage she needed.

She kissed him, and his hand slid behind her neck, his fingers gentle in her hair. Desire bloomed hot in her belly, and she took hold of the front of his shirt to steady herself. Nothing had ever felt like this—nothing had ever felt so right, and she pulled him closer, desperate to feel every inch of him.

He made a sound in his throat, and then they were moving together until she felt a wall behind her back. She didn’t know where they were and didn’t care. She was dizzy from lack of air but didn’t want to breathe, didn’t want to stop kissing him. He filled all of her senses until there was nothing else in the world. There was no room for fear or doubts, not here, not like this, not when his warmth was all around her and his strength was surrounding her and his taste and scent were enveloping her.

She had to break away from his mouth before she passed out, and she pulled back just enough to look at him. He had her pressed against the wall, but she was holding him in place by his shirt. His lips were parted, his shoulders heaving as he tried to catch his breath. His pupils were dilated, his eyelids heavy with desire. His hair was a wavy mess on his forehead. She wanted him so badly that she thought the desire might kill her.

But he deserved more.

When she pushed against him, he took a step backward, and she used his surprise to spin him until it was his back flattened against the wall. His hands went to her waist, to steady her as much as himself. She could feel the desire thrumming through his body, matching hers.

She caught his gaze and held it, because this was important. He needed to hear it, and she needed to say it. “Rafael Barba,” she said, and she could see her tears mirrored in his eyes. “I love you,” she whispered. She pulled in an uneven breath and smiled. “I love you,” she repeated, louder. She suddenly recognized the feeling spreading through her: it was relief.

His face split into a grin that made the corners of his eyes crinkle.

Before he could say anything, she kissed him again, unable to resist the call of his lips; now that she’d tasted him, she would never be able to get enough. His fingers were splayed over her hips, holding her close; their thighs were pressed together.

This time, he was the one who turned his head to catch his breath.

“And, you’re gonna save me a lot of money,” she said. He tipped his head to the side, smirking. “Babysitter and therapist,” she said, and when he chuckled, she felt his laugh all the way through her body.

She leaned her face forward, but he said, “Liv,” and she hesitated, searching his green eyes. “You can’t get rid of me, now,” he told her.

She smiled. “Promise?” she asked, but most of her fear was gone. She knew, standing in his arms, that they could accomplish anything together.

“I promise,” he vowed. “I am in love with you, now and forever. Everything I ever do will be for you and Noah. I give you my word.”

“Words can wait,” she murmured, pressing closer, her eyes dropping to his mouth. Beneath her gaze, his lips curved into a smile, a smile that they both knew she was helpless to resist.

#Barson #SVU fanfic #Rafael Barba #Olivia Benson #Liv and Rafa

[pinkfina]

Rayna’s worst nightmare

Rayna stood alone in the pure black darkness. She wasn’t afraid, and she was never alone. Not really. She reassuringly reached up to clutch her father’s silver dog tags hanging around her neck, the usual metal chain melting away into the deep green of tightly braided ti leaves.

“Choose.”

A voice rang out in the darkness. The ominous echo of its demand filled the vast empty space. Rayna blinked in confusion. Choose? Between what?

Four figures emerged from the blackness: Carver, Hannah, Indy, and Ness. They looked sinister and bloodthirsty, fangs out and weapons ready. Her pack, prepared for war by the looks of it. Ruthless. Hungry. She took a step closer to them.

“Choose,” demanded the voice again.

Another group emerged opposite of the vampires. Rayna’s advance towards her pack came to an abrupt halt. Two tall, tan men with deep brown eyes blossomed from the dark. Identical, save for the curves of black ink carved into their skin. Rayna’s eyes went wide at the sight of Reno and Leon, her brothers. Next, a woman in police uniform, her black hair pulled into a tight ponytail. A large a knife was at her side. A lump formed in Rayna’s throat as she looked at the strong woman- her mother, Keala. The middle aged woman looked at the vampires. Hatred burned in her gaze. Rayna swore one of her brothers started snarling at the pack.

“Choose.”

Rayna looked between the two groups, noticing their health conditions. Each side sported wounds, ripped clothing, blood splatter. They’d been... fighting. It was so obvious, dawning on the young vampire like an epiphany. They’d always be fighting.

She frowned at this. She saw her pack tense as if preparing to pounce. Rayna immediately moved between the two groups, arms outstretched.

“Choose.”

“Enough,” Rayna hissed, partially at the disembodied voice, but directed at her pack. “Leave them be.”


“Never,” Ness sneered in return, leaning in like a tigress ready to strike.


“C’mon, Ray,” Hannah drawled, “Let’s have some fun!”

“It’s not funny,” Rayna spat, the Beast within stirring in protective anger.

More figures appeared behind her pack: Caramina and Deigo. People Rayna was supposed to impress. She held her ground. A moment later, Beatrice walked forward, the Gargoyles flying in to flank her soon after. People Rayna wanted to impress. The young Ahrimane clenched her jaw.


 “Choose.”

Rayna looked back at her family. Their ranks had increased as well. Her uncles moved to their sister, Keala. More appeared, faces and bodies Rayna didn’t recognize, but she knew they were her family. It showed in their sun kissed skin, their mana rich hair, their tattoos. They hummed with spiritual energy. She could feel it. Some people wore jeans, but some wore grass skirts and kapa cloth. Each chest heaved with effort. They looked so tired, so worn and beaten. Each glared at the vampires. How long had they been fighting?

Rayna looked back at her pack, her expression pained as conflict made her undead heart twist.

“Choose,” demanded the voice the darkness.

“I can’t,” Rayna breathed softly, feeling torn. Both sides were a part of her. Why couldn’t they exist in harmony, both here and within herself?

Father Nicea joined the vampires, and Rebekah sashayed out of the pure blackness to meet him. They peered at Rayna past the others. Vampires Rayna felt genuine respect for now stared her down in judgement, and it stung.

“What are you doing, Rayna?” Rebekah asked. “I thought you wanted peace.”

“Please, don’t do this.” Rayna couldn’t manage more. She held her hands out still, trying to halt the two sides. The tension between the rival groups felt thicker than water. She swallowed hard, her throat tight.

The familiar face of another Ahrimane appeared among the vampires, an owl perched on her arm. Her sire. The closest thing to an ancestor a vampire could have. Rayna didn’t know her, but she wanted to.

“Look at how weak you are. I thought you wanted to survive,” her sire spat out, clearly displeased in her Sister’s choice.

“I need them,” Rayna pleaded. “I am them.”

“They don’t care, Sunshine,” barked Leon. Hearing him call out her childhood nickname cut like knife. “They’re not like us.”

A great white shark swam through the darkness as if it were in the sea. Rayna watched, mesmerized. Its appearance provided a brief moment of peace for her. It was beautiful. The beast moved with powerful grace. It swerved among the vampires, then shifted forms suddenly, landing in a crouch before straitening up to his full, enormous size. Lexington. Rayna’s heart felt heavy. His impossibly black eyes were locked on her, emotionless. She felt a pulse of unrequited longing, unfamiliar and unpleasant.

“Choose.”

“Stop it!” Rayna screamed. She sensed the two sides riling up to fight again. More vampires were appearing, hungry fangs crowding around her people. Panic began to rise in her chest. The Beast was roiling inside of her.

“Choose.”

“Rocky, come on!” Carver stepped forward. Rayna immediately drew her daggers, snarling at him. She took a step back, taking a defensive stance while keeping herself between him and the mass of people behind her.

“Back off, Blue.” The words came out harsh, snarled. The Rage was building.

“So that’s how it is, huh?” Carver asked with a frown. Behind him, Indy scoffed. It may as well have been a slap to Ray’s face.

“Choose.”

“Stop it,” Rayna begged, “Just-- go away!”

“Why would we do that?” Hannah asked, amused.

“Choose.”

“I don’t want to do this!” Rayna shut her eyes tightly. Couldn’t her pack see this pained her? Didn’t they care at all?

“Yer serious? You didn’ even know them! Not really...”

“I don’t care!” Rayna screamed, her muscles tensing to fight. Bloody tears clouded her eyes. A wolf behind her howled, sending chills up her already tightly wound spine.

“We’re your pack!” Carver shouted in angry retaliation.

“They’re my family!” Rayna cried in desperation, “My people! My kin! Don’t you get it?!”

“No. They don’t.” The soft rumble of a man’s voice filled her senses, full and familiar. Her heart swelled as red tears streaked down her cheeks. Rayna looked over her shoulder at her father, his calloused hand steady and supportive on her shoulder. “They will never understand, kaikamahine.” 
 Rayna waited for the ominous voice to demand she choose, but it did not come again. She bowed her head and wept.

---

They were all gone. In an instant, everything was back to darkness.

She was truly alone this time. No pack. No Sabbat. No family. She felt a sudden sever from her ancestors and from the very spirits around her. Without their knowledge and wisdom, she was nothing. It was like the life was sapped out of her again, but somehow more intense. Being drained hadn’t felt as horrible as this. Who was she? What was she? She dropped her knives and clutched at her chest, then her head. It hurt. Her heart, her skin, her soul- everything hurt. She fell to her knees, feeling soft sand beneath her.

Sand?

She glanced up. She was home, in Hawaii. But it was wrong. Everything was wrong.

She watched the sand turn brittle and hard. She grabbed at the dark crystal grains that felt like shards of glass, trying to stop whatever evil was advancing onto her homeland like a plague, but she could do nothing. She climbed up the beach. Each movement felt like she waded through razor blades. Behind her, the earth cracked and sickening green bubbles spewed forth. She scrambled forward, clutching at the greenery around her, trying to hold it together as it turned to ash in her hands. Fading. Dying. Withering away into nothingness before her eyes. The sky darkened into a muted, dead grey with streaks of rust. Animals cried out in sudden pain, their flesh melting and skins peeling, brittle bones crumbling into dust that drifted away on hot, dry wind. She gathered them in her arms, crying for it to stop. The Beast in her raged on, helpless. All that she loved, all that she wanted to protect, was falling to ruin. Rayna panted, claws digging into the broken earth that laid out before her like a barren nuclear wasteland. She screamed at the empty heavens, feeling the world dying at her finger tips.

The Beast within burst. Her bones fractured, her skin burned like lava, her blood boiled in her veins. Everything was wrong, and there was nothing she could do about it. Everything was wrong. She was wrong. She couldn’t tolerate the misery crawling inside any longer. She ripped at the tan skin of her arms and legs, finding fur beneath it rather than muscle. She screamed until her throat was raw. Wrong. Everything wrong. She ripped again, finding the grey flesh of a shark. She dug deeper, but there was no end. She just tore herself apart, howling in agony.

Alone. No pack, no ancestors, no spirits. Truly and utterly alone.

A gentle touch to her head stopped the self destruction. The Beast stilled. The Rage ebbed. Bloody and broken, Rayna fell still. She lifted her head and stared up at Papahānaumoku, the earth mother goddess. She was lush; green and good and beautiful. The goddess’ jungle green gaze bore into the Ahrimane’s reflective eyes from which stinging bloody tears overflowed. The goddess’s stare weighed on the vampire like nothing else ever had. It was debilitating.

“I’m sorry,” Rayna whimpered.

Papa shook her head sadly. Rayna stared, hopeless. There was disappointment in Papa’s striking emerald eyes, as if seeing Rayna- one of her children- hurt the mother goddess. As if she had expected something else, something more. In that moment, Rayna knew she had failed her. She’d failed her ancestors. She’d failed herself. The emptiness that echoed through her was so profound, so painful, that the skies above trembled.

“I’m sorry,” Rayna breathed again, groveling. “Please. I’m so sorry.”

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 15

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

The Haunted: Stalked By A Vampire *Bumps in the night & an invisible sucker of energy, Animal Planet? Okay, the family had a dog & 2 cats, animal enough for ya? A mom of 5, w/ a husband away at work all the time, projects her somber moods over certain recent life events, like her admitted miscarriages, onto her family. Instead of time spent really trying in the care of mental health experts, paranormal "experts" are called in. The spook investigators sound like they're making a metaphor about this "energy Vampire" continuing to follow this woman around as if they really meant to be saying her mental health problems. Sadly, they're serious only about the supernatural & not this woman or family's mental well being.* 1 star

Jerry Springer: "I'm Happy I Cut Off My Own Legs!" *A middle aged man turned trans-gender woman achieves another lifelong goal when "she," after many hilariously described failed attempts (homemade guillotine),  discovers that a power saw is the right tool for the job. On a side note, Caitlyn Jenner is still a former male Olympics track star w/ both "her" legs.* 1 star

The Comfort Zone w/ Ray Comfort: Ken Ham "Aliens Go To Hell" (Live Interview) *The creator of the Creation Museum claims to be saying that he doesn't believe that NASA is complete nonsense, but he suggests that it's a waste of time & money. From the smarmy & unfunny remarks of Ken, Ray, & the other co-hosts/tools it's obvious that they're attempting, & failing, in trying to tie the secular scientific community in w/ hardcore UFO believers.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Twelve Stepping & Hypnosis *Have a disease? Then get on your knees. Close your eyes, count backwards, & you're cured.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*M... Kay...: God first, money second, cosmetics third, individuality somewhere after family & a career w/ Mary Kay.* 2 1/2 stars

*Pre-Marital Sex Who Do You Listen To: Listen to the dorky 80s rock band PETRA, some supposed experts in the emerging HIV-AIDS crisis who have an obvious religious bias, &  your local Republican congressman & or minister... heck could have been dad's country club golf buddy / spiritual guru of the green. Keep your privates holy & clean.* Decent

*Sheep: "Have you ever had a mountain top experience, girls?" We know that if you listen to this Peggy Hill look-&-act-a-like w/ her own baaaa talk show, you haven't had a female orgasm, because that's not righteous of a lady, baaaaa!* either 1 or 3 stars

*Evolution Is, As Evolution Does: "A dog, a wolf, a coyote, & a banana. Which is not like the others?" I give up. I need further religious instruction to answer this question or parable. Oh, it's not a parable? It's just an attempt to disprove evolution... banana!* Folly! me banana. Daylight come & me still don't know if earth 6 thousand or 6 billion old!

*2 Minute - The Second Coming: End times & a non-believer can't even get a cheeseburger & a medium coke w/out the mark of the beast or ending up like an unfortunate soul in a story by Edgar Allan Poe.* either 1 or 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------

GoodBadFlicks.com : Dead Heat *Treat Williams looks so much like Bill Pullman. Treat Williams makes a great zombie.Treat Williams & Joe Piscopo make a great buddy cop duo. The 80s were probaby the only decade that a great zombie cop buddy action comedy could be made.* 3 stars for the review

--- Siskel & Ebert: The Worst Films of 1984 (aka The Stinkers of 84)

*Always loved the intros for Siskel & Ebert. I'm more familiar w/ the one from my childhood where they meet out in front of the theater looking grumpy while buying newspapers & paying the cabbie. This one is from close to a decade earlier & they're much more cheery fellows as they go about a quirky routine of getting their movie concession snacks.

*Sheena, Queen of the Jungle: Roger thinks that Sheena isn't even a good bad movie w/ inappropriate music for the action scenes "sounds like it belongs in a honeymoon video" & Tanya Roberts not being sexy enough. I like that Roger is thinking like Joe Bob. Yeah, doesn't look great to me. Yep, 80s & before were about the only time a blonde white chick could be seriously considered a jungle queen.* looks like folly

*Rhinestone: Siskel isn't fond of hearing Sylvester Stallone sing bad country music in a popular, at the time, urban cowboy genre disaster. I wouldn't either. Dolly Parton is his co-star & it looks like they had zero chemistry. Could have been the awful dialogue. More weird is that Stallone seemed to be trying a southern accent... ugh...* 1 star

*Bolero: Roger & Gene like Bo Derek better in Tarzan & 10. This is one of those infamous movies that true film fans always hear about & torture themselves with. No thanks. Looks awkward & one of those arthouse flicks that make sex dull.* 1/2 a crushed matador's penis

*Cannonball Run 2: Gene can't appreciate a country wide car race movie that only has a small animated car race at the end. I remember liking these Cannonball Run movies as a kid. Not sure if they still hold up. Probably couldn't stomach so much of Burt's physicalcomedy. Dom Deluise makes me slightly chuckle though.* close to 2 stars

*City Heat: Roger thinks that bad action & bad comedy equals a bad movie. Siskel thinks that the actors slept walked through the making of it. One would think that an Eastwood & Reynolds 1920s or 30s gangster buddy film would have some entertaining value, but it looks like it was played way too tongue in cheek.* 1 star

*Dune: Siskel & Ebert think Dune was squandered potential. Turning out to be dusty in its ugly presentation & confusingly boring. As poorly made as "an old serial like Captain Video." Dune is another divisive infamous movie. I'm not qualified enough to comment on it as I've never gotten around to seeing it. Only David Lynch movie that I haven't.*

*Siskel & Ebert's honorable mentions of 84:

*Friday the 13th, The Final Chapter: "Bad news it won't be the last one." Respectfully, I say, screw you, Gene. Lucky for us 80s kids, he was right.*

More than decent.

*Windy City: "Tearjerker about a guy mostly in love with himself." A forgettable romantic comedy looks like. Every generation of movie goers has hundreds of 'em.* Dull.

*The Woman in Red: "Kelly LeBrock was not on screen enough." - Siskel. Also starring Gene Wilder lusting over her. Can't blame either Gene.* could be fair.

*Where The Boys Are: "Sex & surf replaced by inflatable dolls & sun tan lotion." - Ebert. Sounds like Roger is bitter about being too old & chubby to go to the beach where they were filming 80s sex comedies. Was it a sex comedy?* another could be fair.

*Best Defense: "A stupid military espionage story." starring Dudley Moore & Eddie Murphy .Murphy was already teaming up w/ other actors to make bad comedy movies in 84? I thought Eddie was on fire until some time in the 90s when he started screwing up.* early folly

*Harry & Son: "Painfully contrived" father son movie featuring Paul Newman.* skip, 1/2 star

*Silent Night, Deadly Night: "Crude, mean spirited slasher movie" & not a Holiday classic? What did Gene expect? It's A Wonderful Life? Thank Santa for mean spirited 80s holiday themed slasher movies. Again, this time I'll have to respectfully disagree w/ a generation of movie reviewers my parents' age who just didn't get a certain genre's finer points.* more than decent

Gene promises a feature on Hollywood's hottest new comic. Coming, next week, "The Secret of Bill Murray." Ha. Awesome time period.

Siskel & Ebert are sponsored by: Diet Shasta (generic soda for generic people like Gene & Roger), Pan Am airlines for those who wanna be spread across the Pacific ocean like so much untraceable no rescue debris... Raisinets & Goobers... Glade Smoke Away fordingy smokers who stink & wear dingy colored clothes like Gene & Roger & every other adult in the early 80s...

Roger & Gene separate at the entrance to leaving the theater. Trying to pretend that they don't secretly go to a motel together after the movies.

-----------------------------------------------------

Occult Demon Cassette presents "Rock, It's Your Decision" 1982 (Christian Anti-Rock VHS) *It's your decision to surrender to your parents' & youth minister's opinion on devil music. That is unless you, being a dumb teenager wasting precious brain cells on rock & bible school lessons, can find, via religiously biased "research" materials backed up by scripture, a damn good reason to damn your soul to hell with rock music. Bwahahaha! That laugh might have sounded evil. But it came from a wholesome, square & uptight, while at the same time trying to be understanding to teens, youth minister.* folly

Uncharted Zone: I Only Set the Stage - Paul Gormley *Dad rock in dad jean shorts. She devil in red. The pit of hell & horrible green screen amateur music video fx. Also that ole aging rocker cosplay Satan himself.* close to 2 stars

--- Night Flight (1990):

*A jean ensemble wearing 80s teen breaks into the carnival to blast his rock cassette ove rthe audio system & to ride the rollercoaster all by himself. Sony "Take It For A Spin" 2 1/2 stars

*West Michigan's "Kids Film Festival" featuring "Problem Child 1"... "The Jetsons Movie"... Bill Cosby's "Ghost Dad"... "The Jungle Book".. "Back to the Future 3"...* 2 1/2 stars

*"Give 'Em A Brake!" road worker safety ad sponsored by the "Detroit Pistons" & the Michigan Department of Transportation. I don't want to sound like Bill O'Reilly, here, but looking at the short shorts on the early 90s NBA players makes me miss pre-HIP HOP fashions & attitudes NBA. Not a lot of disgusting tattoos either. They actually look like basketball players not "thugs" in baggy pajamas.* more than 2 stars

*Toon Theater - Goodnight Norma... Goodnight Milton: A miserable couple show their very grotesque secret sides when they get home from a night out with "friends" that they despise behind closed doors.* 3 stars

*Night Flight bumper featuring Bela Lugosi & Boris Karlof playing a game of chess.* 3 stars

*"They're young, they're beautiful, & we have their private phone numbers." Call 1 900... Yeah, I seriously doubt beautiful women want their private phone numbers given out to perverts.* more than 2 1/2 stars

*A bald middle aged man is positively thrilled w/ his game show experience on Grand Rapids tv's "The Jokers Wild."* 2 1/2 stars

*A kid sits on his carpet floor playing w/ his firetruck dreaming about one day becoming a fireman. On the 13 inch t.v. starts playing a cheesy jingle "America needs you... America needs me... America the beautiful, we're gonna save the free... So, I'm gonna be the best that I can be because America needs me!" The kid is magically transported onto the back of a firetruck on a fire & rescue mission. He's zapped back to his living room floor w/ a new "America Needs Me!" t-shirt. He gives a thumbs up & says "Drug Free"... Central Michigan Substance Abuse Center... Huh? What the hell did the fireman fantasy have to do with drugs? I'm so confused.* close to 3 stars or 1 star

*Extreme closeups of mouths as they give confessions to the camera "I couldn't help myself" along with pulsating drum & synth music as the off camera industrial fan blows the hotmodel's hair as she holds an ominous red telephone not connected to anything. It's not a wireless phone, it's one of the old school curved chorded phones, so that's why it looks odd to me & I've decided to comment on it & waste words doing so.* 3 stars

*A grandma sits down in the rocking chair, in her shack, to tell a bedtime story to a young child... for some reason, it appears that the tape cuts out & shoots to somethingelse.. not sure if this is part of the story... doesn't seem so... maybe I'm wrong

*"From Outerspace They Came" logo for a 50s sci fi style flick

*Now claymation monsters in a claymation city... looks great

*Guitar solo & the beginning of "Would you take me to Funky Town" cool

*50s sci fi space explorers sit back & prepare to be blasted off into space... I'm ready

*Logo for "Space Monster" where an astronaut encounters a creepy looking humanoid alien who won't stop flicking his tongue.* Weird, thumbs up

*Grandma's back to tell another story... So, I guess beginning w/ the first time we saw her that was the first Night Flight video essay.* 3 stars for that one

*Here begins another Night Flight Video Essay

*1940s looking cartoon screen card for "The Pincussion Man" as Bowie & Queen's "Under Pressure" begins to play.

*It's a happy cartoon planet of balloon animal creatures & explosions

*interspiced into that is a 50s era show or movie featuring a guy being hypnotized to walk funny & then being levetated onto a table.* goes together well.* 3 stars for that essay, unless this is gonna be one big long essay. I'm unclear, so I'm breaking it up.

*Grandma's back for her bit & to start another song w/ selected animation / skits for it

*Witchy cat woman Diana Ross leads a hunk, in a white suit, by the hand through a dreamlike black & white world.* She's into horror makeup like her protege Michael Jackson, I guess

*She's a panther woman but she "don't wanna be eaten alive" even though she's planning on sucking the meat from this guy's bones. Eat me, Diana, Mistress of the Motown Night!

*It sounds like Michael Jackson is singing backup vocals on this song. Sounds good & 80s funky.* More than 2 1/2 stars for that one.

*Grandmas back, once again, & once upon a time... But the Nightflight bumper & announcer lady means that entire series of video essays is over, I'm assuming.*

*Not even 20 minutes into this episode of Night Flight & there's already been more entertainment content value than most modern cable channels, much less their lineup of awful shows, feature all fucking day & night long.* Viva Night Flight

*Spooky as shit ad for a psychic hotline. Most psychic hotlines usually feature white & black trash idiots talking about how it helped their relationships or fortunes. This one is complete X-Files nightmare inducing photoshop of Egyptian images, ghost children, zooming cosmos, skulls, phantom robed creatures, & other ancient religious iconography.* 3 stars

*Promo for the tabloid news journal show "Inside Edition" featuring a story on a cop undercover as a teenager. He gets executed by students. Maybe his very adult mustache was a giveaway. His grieving mom is nothing to laugh at, but Inside Edition is the one doing the exploiting, I'm sure. Probably pretending it's some kind of youth crime epidemic & not some random & odd circumstance act. Ah, there's host Bill O'Reilly. Ha.* 1 star

*Ad for a dirtbike arena racing "Thrills & Chills" home video.* I'll pass. 2 stars

*special preview for "Frankenhooker" coming to vhs home video.* 3 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Mario Joyner: Jokes about how black folks don't try to get a fade by frost bite in the Winter like white folk do w/ their sun tan in the Summer.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Norman Gunston - Roving Reporter: A neurotic Brit raves about some bloodbank conspiracy & then startles random real people on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while asking them for free blood donations. Ha.* close to 3 stars

*Inside Edition promo about Judy Garland's failed comeback tv show. No surprise that this shameless show picks easy targets like dead celebrities. Then, an even more ironic story featuring Bill Cosby talking with teens about sex... Oh, boy....* 1 star

*A morbid "This little piggy" ends in a toe tag for an abused child. In a Child Welfare League of America ad. A grim time period involving child abuse.*

2 stars

*Feature on the resurgence of 70s shock rocker Alice Cooper.* 2 1/2 stars

*Night Flight makes use of their vault of movie & cartoon clips for some horse riding, cowboy, wild indian, kung fu, arabian knight horseback tricks action in a faux ad for "Billy Jo Bob's Riding Academy" "2 Miles Past Bucky's Gunshop"* cool close to 3 stars

*Tuxedo wearing James Stacy holds up a Dirty Harry sized handgun & then says that drunk drivers do more damage. "It could cost you an arm & a leg." He then reveals to be missing both his arm & leg. Heavy, but I'm not sure which statistic is higher for U.S. deaths.* close to 2 1/2 stars. They really don't know how to do effective, startling public service announcements, like this one, anymore.

*Bela Lugosi in "The Phantom Creeps": "Mad Genius Running Wild" the papers say as Bela creates things like a giant killer robot, super villain invisibility, & bombs that can be tossed like firecrackers.* 2 1/2 stars

*Painter Paul Collins shows off his artwork from time spent on a Native American Indian reservation & he calls them an "endangered species" in an ad for the Michigan Indian Child Welfare Agency.* 2 1/2 stars

*The silhoutte of an 80s chick & the breathy words "fantasy phone" must have been enough to get phone sex horny losers to "finish" after the chick tells them "I'll start & yo ufinish." 5 dollars for the first minute. They want their 5 bucks first because they know that you'll finish in under a minute if you're desperate enough to call one of these numbers. Just a "hot" girl speaking to you at all is enough to reach climax.* 2 stars

*Rocky Horror Picture Show - Timewarp: Might have seemed lazy to toss this classic into the late night variety, but it hadn't been done to death by this point or ruined by the awful people involved with the musical show "Glee."*

2 1/2 stars

*The Fleshtones - I Was a Teenage Zombie: Would make a great B-side to "Surfin' Dead" plus the movie clips look decent as well.* close to 3 stars

*Yazoo - Don't Go: Don't remember the video for this being so horror inspired.* Decent

*Sheena Easton - Telephone: All the classic Universal monsters plus a disembodied hand are after Sheena. Can't say that I blame them after she tempted all w/ her "Sugar Walls"* 2 1/2 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Colin Quinn: He pokes fun at growing up Irish-Catholic dealing w/ cop relatives & touchy priests.* close to 3 stars

*Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World" set to video of kung fu cinematic action.* 3 stars

*Rudy Vallee in The Musical Doctor: A singing emergency room where a "Step & fetch it" black stereotype is seeking treatment. The doc prescribes him the smooth sounds of inter-spliced clips of Sting from The Police (huh? ha!). He's black, so he'll also need a dose of interspliced Chaka Khan's "I Feel For You."* either 1 or 3 stars

*Old old Hollywood clips of beautiful ladies doing some synchronized swimming dances while the Night Flight voice over lady pokes fun at Dr. Vallee's techniques.* 3 stars

*Dr. Vallee has another crazy patient. This one has hammer toe "Stop Hammertime" w/ the MC himself spliced in. No kidding.* 2 1/2 stars

*Another patient is suffering from lack of music, so he gets some Dionne Warwick "That's What Friends Are For" followed by Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" R & B from "Babyface"... blues from some of the masters... more MC Hammer "Can't Touch This"... my my my my.... "Bel Biv Devoe" for dessert...* 2 1/2 stars early Obamacare

*Cultural tv game show featuring everything from President Ike to President Reagan from James Dean to Disco. Hot pants to the VCR. "Tic Tac Dough."* close to 3 stars

*Not ready for tv women in an ad for the Displaced Homemaker Program. This is exactly why women need not to be homemakers or second class citizens. I'm no liberal or femi-nazi controlled thinker, but seeing these poor women's lives ruined after divorce or becoming a widow is just sad & a product of our failure as a society.* 2 stars

*Pretentious Bono in a cowboy hat during one of U2's concert tours from the 80s. One where they're filming it in black & white. He's trying to get art street cred by having blues legend B.B. King join U2 on stage.* 2 stars

*B.B. King - I Need Some Help: performed on what looks like Austin City Limits. This time w/out Bono to ruin the performance.* 2 1/2 stars

*B.B. King - Lucille: Steve Martin, Dan Akroyd, the lovely Michelle Pfeiffer, & Eddie Murphy join B.B. for a quirky video.* close to 3 stars

*Robert Cray - Right Next Door: Rather subdued, sitting alone in an artsy room w/ flowing curtain window w/ bare minimum light shining through it, guitar solo video.* 2 1/2 stars

*Robert Cray - Nothing But a Woman: This video has Cray singing & 80s cartoon graphic sinterspliced w/ Cray & the band video fx. 80s MTV & Monty Python esque* 2 1/2 stars

*Albert Collins - The Trouble W/ Money: This looks like a 70s era performance on something like The Midnight Special. Collins is a haggard looking old school black dude who plays his guitar like he's making love to a woman.*

close to 3 stars

*Renee Taylor's "2" (1967 short comedy film): Parody of pretentious Eye-Talian cinema & modern people's pretentious self loathing in love affairs.*

close to 3 stars

*"Big Cheese & the Food Groupies" California Raisins style animated wholesome snack PSA w/ the characters singing in the fridge for some happy kids.* 2 1/2 weird stars

*Night Flight's Sci Fi Monsters video essay:

*Oingo Boingo - Weird Science: Interspliced w/ old clips of early 20th century films like "A Voyage to the Moon" or whatever it's called.* more than decent

*"We Have the Technology" interspliced w/ the electrocution scene from the 50s classic "Thing from Another World."* close to terrific

*The theme from Doctor Who interspliced w/ Doctor Who style robots & a stadium rock anthem by TimeLords.* 3 stars

*Kate Bush is a spooky banshee in "Experiment 4".* 3 stars

*"Ladies & gentleman, Elvis 1990" a Billy Idol look-a-like spliced w/ scenes of cyberpunk dystopias & Godzilla.* close to 3 stars

*Now a true Elvis look-a-like in outerspace singing "Video Babe" while flying saucers destroy Washington monuments.* 3 stars

*Herbie Hancock's 80s synthesizer classic spliced w/ scenes of early 20th century movie magic explorers encountering dangerous tribe people of the moon.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fishbone? in a weird sci video that ends in a nuclear explosion.*

could be terrific

*Night Flight's Never Coming Attractions:

*GI's go rocket riding in "Invasion of the Star Creatures": Super tall & sexy vixens from the stars encounter some dopey & short in stature army privates who they seduce & unleash kooky monsters upon.*

3 stars, I'd watch it, looks cheesy good.

*"Space Monster": 50s sci fi space adventure where the spaceships & planets are held up by string & the stars are holes pocked in a black canvas w/ light shining through. The alien monster is a humanoid w/ a large head, big ears, & a flickering tongue.* 2 1/2 stars

*Della's Diner, a West Michigan theater presentation of a kitschy diner complete w/ big haired waitresses & eccentric patrons. All presented by the local Grand Rapids tv station.* 2 1/2 stars

*Another "America Needs Me Drug Free" PSA featuring this time a black kid who wants to grow up to be like his black hero fighter pilot. He only got a t-shirt, no ride on the jet like the boy on the firetruck. I guess the Air Force said no. Darn. Do drugs!* 2 stars

*Night Flight's toon theater:

*Mouseferatu: Very well animated & sort of risque. When Mousey finds his intended victim, she's a very sexy pussycat sleeping in the nude. & despite all his rage, he's still just a rat in a cage when daylight comes to turn him to bones.* 3 stars

*Retro black & white clip of some ranch cows & a bull singing a country & western diddy.* 3 stars

*Promo for "Ghoulies 2" on Grand Rapids TV 8.* 3 stars

Following Night Flight on TV 8 is the syndicated cult classic "Dynaman" mock dubbed in English & parodying the already super-weird Japanese Power Rangers pre-cursor.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Dog Police" *A nerd rock 80s weirdo band's lead singer takes his werewolf date to the night club where the trench coat "Untouchables" look-a-like "Dog Police" bust her for bestiality?* 3 stars

James Randi Debates Two Mediums & Psychiatrist Brian Weiss *Gay mustache & spirit aficionado James Van Praagh along w/ 20 questions for 20,000 gullible people champion John Edward bring a hack psychiatrist & author of a book about past lives to a debate w/ admitted cynic Randi. Which leads to Randi face palming & taking the whole thing about as serious as one would imagine. CNBC's half zombie half talk show host Charles Grodin seems to be hopeful about the psychic claims.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Feng Shui & Bottled Water *A refreshing arrangement sold at a bullshit price.* 3 stars

--- DinosaurDracula.com presents Creepy Commercials Countdown:

*ABC TGIF Monster Bash Weekend (1993): The Olsen twins host the Halloween edition of TGIF. When you're 11, you're definitely uncool enough to watch ABC on a Friday night. I still am uncool enough. Family Matters was the Breaking Bad of its era. Boy Meets World never appealed to me. Step By Step was okay. I remember most about it having the guy from the Kickboxer sequel. Hangin' With Mr. Cooper is lame when you think back on it, but it worked for the time. A "cool" middle school or junior high teacher who was down w/ the kids & played basketball. However, nothing about this particular promo is spooky or creepy enough. The 80s would have tried harder w/ the scary theme than the 90s seemed to.* 2 stars

*Real Ghostbusters Super Weapons (1990): Some kids take their awesome Nerf officially licensed Real Ghostbusters toy weapons of minor destruction & chase the poor dog around their spooky dark house. That's what I call fun animal abuse. *wink* 3 stars

*Predator 2 (1990) Movie Promo: I love the narrator's voice describing all of Predator's high tech weapons. Similar sounding voices noted all the high tech features of new cars at the time. It slipped my mind that Bill Paxton is in this movie. Of course everyone who has seen it will remember Danny Glover's manic, awesome performance, or Gary Busey being in it before he went completely off the deep end of eccentricity. But Bill Paxton was in both the Alien & the Predator sequels. That's cool.* 3 stars

*Coca-Cola Classic 'Dracula' (1992): A Bela Lugosi impersonator, in a striking visually black & white castle setting, scares a blonde victim from her sleep. Instead of putting up a cross, in defense, it's a juicy red Coca-Cola can. I guess Dracula's blood sugar was low, because he goes from pale to plump tan in seconds. He bites into the can sideways & slurps the syrupy soda. What coke addict hasn't imagined something similar? The ad end sbadly, however, as it approaches Twilight sparkly "vampire" territory when the spooky couple walk out the door into an animated Disney daytime cartoon scene complete w/ chirping love birds.* either 1 or 3 stars

*Highland Superstores 'Phantom of the Opera' (1989): The organ music from "The Phantom" is still unsettling after around a 100 years of it being in our nightmares. Dinosaur Dracula mentioned this, in his article, & it's true, "appliance stores are dreadfully dull." In the 80s, during the era of dull parents & dingy colors on everything including off white & putrid yellow fridges, microwaves, washers & dryers, & dishwashers. Some were even the same green color of The Creature from the Black Lagoon's bowel movements. If I were "The Phantom" I wouldn't dwell at Highland Superstores. If I were a disgruntled former manager of an appliance store, I wouldn't. Hell would seem happier.* 2 1/2 stars

----------------------------------------

Beavis & Butthead: Plasmatics - The Damned *"Explosions... half naked chicks. This video has something for everyone."*

3 plus stars w/ riffing 3 stars w/out

--- TV Carnage:

*Straight Body Builder Bio #1: "When in Rome do as the Romans do." The Romans did gay stuff in Rome. In Southern California, this feminine Rick James, on roids, can make delicious ancient Chinese herbal tea, draw comics of other buff fantasy masculine heroic figures, strum his string instrument, & play w/ his pooch on the beach.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Tell Me About It: The reporting from the red carpet premier of Legally Blonde is as dumb & inspid as imagined.* zero stars

*The Hump Day Return of Aids!: "Real men don't talk to their women about sex." Laughs. Huh. Huh. Starts humping potentially aids infected partner.*

2 1/2 stars

*Tom Arnold Stars In Long Lost Porn: Didn't know Tom was so patient & considerate to the half naked chicks he lets ride on the back of his Harley Davidson.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------------------------

"The Last Dragon" (1985) *A midnight movie happening inside another midnight movie featuring kids from Soul Train. Also feels like Motown is making fun of MTV's Cindy Lauper & Madonna.* 3 stars

"Shotgun" (1989) *A buddy cop Lethal Weapon wannabe that's almost as awkward as Samurai Cop. There's a plot about a sicko torturing & killing hookers that's similar to Wings Hauser's "Vice Squad. "Then a finale that's a revenge gunfight south of the border that recalls 70s grindhouse classic "Rolling Thunder" but is more over the top like a Rambo sequel.* between 2 & 2 1/2

Cannon Films "Hospital Massacre" (1981) *Creepy fact: if you ever walk into a room & see someone crawling out a window, looking back w/ a devious smile on their face, know something horrible has happened in the room. Our scream queen, the gorgeous Barbi Benton, doesn't even realize she's being stalked by a slasher for over an hour of the movie. She thinks she's just being inconvenience by hospital procedure red tape & a screwed up test result. However, the kills are bloody good, the atmosphere is spooky, & there's even some black comedy.*

more than 2 1/2 stars or plus

"Video Wasteland Combilation" *Twinkle Twat, feminine deoderant spray. Baby upchuck doll. Punk singer w/ dry heaves. Way USA starring Tesco Vee. Aeon Flux. Tim Allen as Docu-Comic. Dawn of the Night of the Dead - The Musical. John Waters & Divine. West Germany Air Show Disaster. Vincent Price on the 64,000 Dollar Question. LSD-25. This Is Elvis's Birthday '92.* 2 1/2 stars

SCTV Monster Chiller Horror Theatre w/ Count Floyd: The House of Cats *Bored housecats "jumping" at the screen in 3D. Well, at least Count Floyd promises so. John Candy drugs women & turns them into his personal pussycats until they rebel or at least he has to act like they're clawing him, when they couldn't be bothered to even paw.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brass Eye: Sex *Bad aids vs. good aids, the mucking about homosexual scandal of her majesty's royal navy ,the debasement of an American politician, an asexual man up a pole watching pornography, beating off assailants, Peter Stringfellow, & a giant whore on the loose.* 3 stars

=== Geraldo Rivera: Hate Mongers (1988)

*Skinhead smackdown smashes Geraldo in the schnoz.* 1 infamous star (not of David)

[Note: Geraldo has always loved pouring fuel onto a fire. Not for justly reasons, either. Here it would appear so, to the people of the time period, but fast forward to today & Geraldo is standing among "Black Lives Matter" protestors & telling them that racism no longer exists in America.

Geraldo: race baiter, troublemaker, & obvious fraudulent media manipulator of any era he's in.]

(edit, years later:

I still think Geraldo is a douche, but I've woken up how much of an idiot I was for kind of casually being apathetic to & half way supporting groups like "Black Lives Matter."

I think most everyone has if they don't have "tribal" interests or are a "race blind" moron who'll be dragged into the streets while trying to high five a "friend" of color during a riot or "peaceful" protest someday & be treated to a beating similar to the one Reginald Denny received on CNN in LA in 92 after the Rodney King verdict?)

================================================================================

Mysteries From Beyond the Other Dominion w/ Franklin Ruehl *Eerie coincidences between the Kennedy & Lincoln assassinations. I like the true nerdiness of this early Sci-Fi Channel show. If it were a part of a nerd culture channel or website, today, it would have faux nerd hipsters ironically doing it & not the earnest weirdness of Ruehl & company.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Special Delivery: "The bitch, the bitch, the bitch," the female dog is having puppies.* 2 1/2 stars

*Something Big: "The first nude pop video" might "offend" as it warns, but the mostly tasteful nude images of big breasted women aren't as obscene as the Euro-sleaze leadsinger's crooning & 70s porno mustache.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Appointment... With Death: You'll never see Hawaii, if you keep smartin' off to the monotone voiced angel of death premonitions.* either 1 or 3 stars

*I'm A Spoon: Women of all body types used to search for that perfect fit, but eventually gave up to the potato sack look of sweatpants w/ sassy slogans on the ass.* 2 stars

*I Gotta Go!: When you get that feeling way down below. A sanitized version of the uh oh diarrhea song from Steve Martin's Parent Trap. There's no Barney the Dinosaur to help the toddlers & kids sing along & poop, but there's a chimp taking a shit (for giggles).* 3turds

----------------------------------

Grandpa Munster's SuperScarySaturday on TBS Superstation: King Kong vs. Godzilla the Debate *Since neither monster can talk, pro wrestling personalities, of the 80s, are doing the cheerleading. Motormouth evangelist look-a-like, w/ a tennis racket, Jim Cornette, preaches for Godzilla, says that his monster is younger than the "dying of old age" King Kong, and he can breathe fire. Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie wannabe Michael P.S. Hayes, standing up for his hairy hero, boasts that Kong can swat planes while still holding onto a babe. I call it a tie. So, would any other fan of both monsters.* 3 stars

--- Occult Demon Cassette Presents: "Exposing the Satanic Web" 1990 (Satanic Panic VHS)

*Yesterday Satanism, today radical Islam, tomorrow extraterrestrial orgasms?

Who knows what the future holds, but the religious right will most likely be there to spread their brand of disinformation.

People really couldn't tell that the crayon drawings of occult rituals were done by adults w/ agendas?

Motley Crue images pop up constantly in these old scare films.

Motley Crue obviously weren't a threat to America's teenagers. They're now bloated white trash rock has-beens trying to get their near elderly groupies to still flash their saggy tits!

Those women didn't end up sacrifices of the devil. They probably had about five dirty young'uns that never got sacrificed either, 'cause Satanic Panic was just that panic that meant nothing.

Nerdy teens who played Dungeons & Dragons didn't role play murder half the parent population in the U.S. No, they're still harmless adult nerds.

The reformed high-priest of Satanism turned Christian now confessing his former dark powers & deeds.

Is it okay that he claims to have committed horrible acts because he's asked for forgiveness from God?

Shouldn't he be in jail? That's proof that he's full of shit. That all of the scare-mongers of these videos are full of shit, & have taken a simple fantasy game, a rebellious youth music that they don't enjoy or understand, & victimless boredom in juvenile property crime through graffiti & tried to turn it into a scare tactic tool to push people fearfully into the arms of the major cult in America, the Christian religions.

Satan obviously wasn't as savvy as these evangelicals who still have the ear of their cult, after all these years, while Motley Crue & Freddy Krueger are no longer being fed virgins at the altar of willing black magic fiends & disturbed teenagers.*

(edit, years later:

Man listen to me. Full on liberal apathy & cynicism disguised as trying to be clever.

I still slightly chuckle at the hysteria of the 80s Satanic Panic.

but to believe Islam isn't an obvious threat to the west is to be in denial or downright actually evil... no hysteria. but truth.

the type of person I was then would rather ignore the truth, & claim it was islamophobia delusion while looking at hipster blogs like dangerousmindsdotnet for the latestdug up piece of pop culture from a bygone era to be mocked

then getting my "news" from the Daily Show w/ it's highly cut & edited slant leaning the views towards an agenda while claiming bias everywhere else & only everwhere else...

I can't say I ever saw any metal heads hold a Satanic animal sacrifice orgy, but I have seen real life footage of hordes of muslims flooding Europe & the after effects in the news

hard evidence of rapes, terrorist bombings / shootings / stabbings / hackings / huge vehicle homicide of dozens / beheadings / literal fucking jihad...

not scaremongering, you blind hipster dope (me, several years ago) but all out war on the civilization that once provided your shits & giggles & safety shelter to enjoy them in w/out getting gutted for being an infidel)

1 star

=======================================================

People Are Talking w/ Tom Bergeron: James Randi Debunks Faith Healer (youtube) *Tom Bergeron sits looking at clips of extremely funny faith healings. One in particular where a fake had played the role of both a crippled man & a woman w/ bad ovaries. This could be America's Funniest Home videos, but sadly Randi points out that the placebo effect of these dramatically staged acts do harm when the believers don't seek real medical help from actual doctors instead of faith healers.* 3 stars

City Confidential: Rock Springs, Deadly Shootout in the Wild West *"Cowboy Caligula."* more than 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Past Tense *Amnesia love affairs, brainwashed agents of assassination, & chance collisions of the heavens. Plays like something noir that would be in Frank Miller's Sin City.* close to 3

Forever Knight: Cherry Blossoms *Vampire detective versus Chinese mafia seeking to slay a wounded witness. Wrongly accused vampire versus elderly Chinese acupuncturist seeking revenge against the vampire who slayed his mother 60 years before.*

between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Best Desk Scenario *Fumbling the ball near the endzone or too many cooks trying to read the anarchist's cookbook.* 2 1/2 stars

Look Around You: Computers *In Bournesmouth, one can bibble or bobble if they're beardless or bearded, but not if they're brandishing a petticoat (female).* close to 3 stars

The Prisoner: Hammer Into Anvil *Creates an unhinged melody.* 3 stars

Farscape: Bone To Be Wild *The old routine of one "submarine" silently hiding from another's radar. Deepspace Donner Party bone eater massacre. Johnny Appleseed "Frankenstein's Monster" look-a-like or Swamp Thing stranded on an asteroid. Our hero Crichton needs to be sensitive to "plant phobia." The spiritual blue alien lady Zan (Xan?) is actually a sentient plant. Captain Ahab under scrutiny. Babysitting a weaponized junior Leviathan (a Death Star in a diaper).* 3 stars

---- Night Visions w/ Henry Rollins:

The Passenger List: A little twilight zone twist & a lot of 9-11 era zeitgeist of airline tragedy grief.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

The Bokor: Bayou medical school morphine junkies, grotesque medical cadaver, & a voodoo curse.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Rollins: Puts on a stale attempt at Rod Serling.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

------------------------------------

Uncharted Zone: Fifty Dollar Boots - Johnny Fire *50 dollar budget quality black & white video for a rockabilly crooner & his 50 dollar boot wearing chick guitar player.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Jennifer Tryin - Happier *Gen X drug store despair, Beavis taking diarrhea medicine & pooping a brick that he keeps in his sock drawer, & Butthead wanting to live in denial that he ever heard Beavis talk about it.* 3 stars w/ riffing close to 2 1/2 stars w/out

Justified: Season 1 Episode 6 *"There's more than smart" & there's more than art. Especially Adolf Hitler's shitty art. It's a nebulous or abstract concept.* close to 3 stars

True Detective: Haunted Houses *Still life. Nearer to silence (unholy ghosts) than God.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Trou Normand *Losing time opening doors, unearthing graves, & making monuments to the desecrated.* 3 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Talking to the Dead & ESP *Party tricks & charades for suckers & the sad.* 3 stars

James Randi's Fiery Takedown of a Psychic Fraud *An admitted wizard takes a lethal overdose of homeopathic medicine to prove a cruel farce.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not! w/ Jack Palance: Episode 3 (1985) *Giant 1980s supercomputers are used to photoshop the Tibetan god-king out of Shangri La, like an impractical automotive 5th wheel or discarded apple peel (peeled by an Edison style mass industrial invention), & placed, by 2001 Hal's robo-cousin, out into the sun to purify like a baby orangutan or an eskimo mummy. Also pre-CitySlickers Curly's gold* 2 Fair

Fargo: Buridan's Ass *Breach in a white out or bludgeoned like fish out of water.* 3 stars

"XTRO" (1983) *A deeply disturbed British schoolboy's estranged daddy returns from his absentee fatherhood vacation on H.R. Geiger's homeworld after traumatizing the boy w/ his "Fire in the Sky" style abrupt bon voyage goodbye. Often tonally too whimsical to be taken seriously, while at other times being astonishingly creepy.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars or more

Tales from the Crypt: The Reluctant Vampire *Mr. Longtooth (Malcom McDowell) isn't a glamourous Dracula. He's a cowardly nightwatchman at a failing blood bank. Can he win the heart of his mousey love interest, at the blood bank, w/out biting her neck? Will he find the courage to stand up to his bully of a boss (Cheers' George Wendt) or will he fall prey to a weird looking Van Helsing?* Decent

"Saturday Night Dead" KYW-TV 3 Philadelphia (February 1, 1986) *"The maddening minx of movie-dom" Stella, a redheaded Rhonda Shear look-a-like glamour doll, traipses around her ghoulish horror set kiddingly admitting to bedding, on her monster talking bed, the Philadelphia Eagles football team. She is in dire need of a butler & wants him to be as hunky as Sylvester Stallone's Rambo. Looks like Philly had a pretty decent version of Elvira or Rhonda. Not bad.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Waxwork

*Drive-In Totals: 43 dead bodies.... 0 nekkid breasts (sorry).. 1 Live severed hand.. .African Voodoo Face Painting.. French S & M.. Fang Sprouting.. Bat Shooting.. Raw Meat Gobbling.. Sword Fighting.. Strangling.. Stabbing.. Head Butting.. Ax to the Back... Death by Fire.. Gratuitous Dialogue w/ Loud Music.. Werewolf Fu.. Vampire Fu.. Mummy Fu.. Zombie Fu.. Senior Citizen Fu..

*Joe Bob says this isn't a haunted house movie, it's a "nasty" house movie, like his grandma would always say, "That's nasty!"

*Burt Reynolds for Liz Taylor perfume (Ladies, don't wear anything that gives Burt a smell boner).

*Songs 4 Life Christian mix CD (90s, the era that bland white people safe religious music w/out any gospel soul or passion reared its dorky head).

*CNN has Bill Clinton's sworn testimony in the shadow of impeachment (ah, the Lewinsky era, we survived that.).

*Rent Matthew MuhConUhHey! & Skeet Ulrich, tonight! (not male escorts. a shitty VhS tape of the movie "Newton Boys").

*Pure Reggae mix cd 1-800 ad (A island jam collection featuring the theme to Cops "Bad Boys" plus Apache Indian's "Boom Shakalak"... pass the herb & turn it up, mon!).

*Joe Bob's Jailbreak w/ Reno the Mail Girl: Talk of Joe Bob's jealousy because Reno might have dated / made love to a midget instead of Joe Bob & also Reno gets a love poem from a jailbird in a Mojave prison unit in Arizona.*

*Carpenters Love Songs mix cd ad. Being a kid in the 80s & 90s, & not an adult in the 70s, I only had vague knowledge of who Karen Carpenter was & that she had died tragically young. Anytime, I would see these ads w/ their hazy cloud aesthetics along w/ faded quality videos of Karen singing her mostly melancholy songs, I would get the creeps.*

*Waxwork: Remember 2011's "Cabin in the Woods"?... Well, Joss Whedon's "genius" turning of a monster/slasher movie conventions on its head script wasn't that original. In the 80s, somebody else did it first. This monster mayhem flick, featuring almost every creature & horror character known, is set in a wax museum instead of a cabin in the woods. Starring the teenage boys from Gremlins & Twin Peaks plus Return of the Living Dead 2 along with their 80s valley girl girlfriends. The main villain is legendary not so good movie & tv show actor David Warner (the movies/shows not being so good. Warner is always great).*

between 2 & 2 1/2 stars for Waxwork, more than 2 1/2 for Joe Bob, & close to 2 for the ads

----------------------------------------------------

TNT 100% Weird: The Twonky *"Whenever I think of women, I think of French fried potatoes." A very nervous man's wife leaves town, gifting him his first television set to keep him company. This is when tv's were brand new & confusing to man. It didn't help that this particular tv was unlike any other in that it could work the magic of a genie or a futuristic robot.* close to 3 stars

Wizards & Warriors: The Dungeon of Death *"Badgers, we don't need no stinkin' badgers." What we got is a ragtag rescue squad of a Renaissance fair Clint Eastwood type, a carnival strong man, a high wire walking hottie, & one of the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. Trouble is there's a mole.* close to 3 stars

--- Sci Fi Channel (1993) Feature Film: The Clone Master

*A pair of alien hands find a time capsule buried in the sand. The date says 1993. Inside is a bottle of head & shoulders. Our great legacy, dandruff shampoo...

*95 cents a minute hotline to find out what's coming up on the Sci Fi channel's schedule? Wow, wouldn't a 99 cent, one time purchase, TV Guide not suffice? That's phone sex level of horny to know when the next episode of the original Star Trek is airing.

*Sci Fi had great station bumpers. I'll try to describe this one... it has a picturesque set lakehouse w/ the phone off the receiver "hello, are you there?" & geese flying against a newly alien earth skyline featuring a ring planet between earth & the moon.

*Extremely nerdy voice over "Emmy Award winning Battlestar Galactica, weeknights."

*Beatles Live 1964 in London for the first time on VHS or BETA

*Curly haired cute model "All those holes. All that protection." Science strikes again. Always Maxi Pads w/ new technology. New as in holes. I have a hole in my soul from all the sanitary napkin girly confessional commercials that I've had to endure all my life.

*A generic couple enjoy a generic romantic evening over generic pasta & generic white wine while listening to "Easy 70's" a generic mix cd of 70s soft rock like Crystal Gale & Kenny Loggins among others. He leaves w/out sex. Because this type of music makes one sterile.

*Vintage ad for Craftmatic adjustable beds. The old couple is giddy to talk to their over the phone Craftmatic salesperson. I'm giddy too for my memories of these ads. though the actual beds were usually in the homes of some sick acquaintance of my parents&grandparents

*"Never miss another favorite program." VCR Voice, the voice operated vcr remote control. Pssss... VCR Voice... record Skinemax & those early morning workout shows w/ the ladies in spandex....

*Smokey the Bear is talked about by a kid who makes him seem almost mythical. Maybe in 3,000 years, when our culture is long forgotten & misunderstood, they'll find something about Smokey the Bear & wonder what the fuck was up w/ us having a cartoon bear to warn humans about forest fire safety & natural resource preservation responsibility.

*"Can dinosaur cloning really happen? The truth behind the fiction." A Sci Fi special on Jurassic Park. It can & did, but tune in to Alex Jones InFoWars or Jesse Ventura's new show on Glen Beck's Blaze channel to find out.

*"Dark Shadows" weekdays on Sci Fi. Now, that's a weekday soap opera that I would sink my teeth in to. Someone get me my Bon Bons & my Moo Moo...

*1 800 ad for Sci Fi Classic home video's "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."

*Back on earth, Frankie Valli & the 4 Seasons on every music listening format known to man. That's as advanced as we are....

*Speaking of identical twins & cloning... Elvis, in his 68 Comeback Special, decked out in his black leather spacesuit... Get a collector's copy. Copy... wink wink. Elvis, often imitated, never duplicated except in utero or however it go...

*Classic kitchen knife displays of incredible feats by the World Class Ginsu knife. Showoff All the other dull culinary utensils got Ginsu off & murdered him & buried his stainless steel body under the goal post in Food Network's Iron Chef Kitchen Stadium.

*Walter Koenig for a huge collection of Star Trek (Original & Next Generation) themes,sound fx, & a 6 minute bridge sequence. Sound fx, okay... maybe... a 6 minute bridge sequence... alright, I can sort of see that... still, it's nerdom bordering insanity.

*K-Tel Conway Twitty videos. Not the right station. Not as much as Sci Fi isn't a rhinestone sequened audience as it's not an audience where they can relate to a hillbilly heart-throb's songs about sleeping w/ a horde of women. Live long & amorously prosperous.

*"The majesty & might of Marvel leaps off of the page & onto the screen" shows clips of 70s Hulk tv show & one of the 70s Spider Man tv movies. Modern Marvel fanboys would scoff at the words majesty & might being used for these classics. "They don't even have after credits sequences or universe building." They do have Stan Lee hosting the Mighty Marvel Marathon on Sci Fi 1993. Sixteen years before Iron Man....

*Clone Master: It's a good clone movie when the existential grief of being a clone does not fully get in the way of the clone capers, clone antics, & clone based comedy. Also, Cold War era conpirators could get away w/ a lot thanks to government secrecy not allowing anyone to share information to know what the hell was going on in different sections of all their hush hush top secret work like cloning.*

3 stars for Sci Fi's bumpers, close to 3 for the ads, & 2 1/2 stars for Clone Master

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The She Creature *Kooky age regression hypnotism to spook squares & Eve-era mer-monster to slaughter them.* 3 stars w/ riffing 2 1/2 stars w/out

Nathan On Your Side: Talking to the Animals *non-confrontational dialogue w/ bed wetting cat.* more than 2 stars

The Cinema Snob: Woodchipper Massacre *No Fargo woodchipper action. No massacre. More terrible like Poland invaded by Hitler, only w/out any of that massacre. Just the terrible.* 2 1/2 for Snob

Conan O'Brien - In the Year 2000: Taco Bell 2000 *A "chilling" glimpse into the prophecy of Charmin toilet paper's involvement w/ the bowel dooming food chain.* 3 stars

A & E presents An Evening at the Improv: Norm MacDonald (1991) *Homeless dog owners & backseat blues.* close to 3 stars

HBO Not Necessarily the News: The Spork Episode (1983) *Mr. T. imporium. Panda pest control. Des Moines pudding disaster. Light beer for fat drunks. Rich Hall's weekly sniglet words: scrit is anything that has sat in the same spot for 50 years... yinkel is anybody that combs their hair over their bald spot thinking that nobody will notice... spork the combination spoon fork device (did he invent that term? wow, cool, if so)... furbling is the act of walking through a maze of ropes at the airport or bank even though you're the only one in line (haaa)... porkus non grata is the squashed piece of bacon at the bottom of the package.. lactomangulation is having to open a milkcarton from the opposite side because of one side's malfunction.. carperpetuation is the act of running over a piece of string w/ a vacuum 4 or 5 times before picking it up & inspecting it & then putting it back down for one last attempt.*

decent though dated

"Best of the Worst Star Search Auditions" (youtube) *"Let me do my thang to ya!"  You'd never see a bearded lady singing Patsy Cline on America's Got Talent.* 3 stars

Insomniac w/ Dave Attell: San Francisco *If you come to this frontier town, eventually you're gonna ask yourself "am I a fog rider, a pickle pilot, or a proud baby mudfoot?"* 3 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Cranial Deformity Dance Dad: I'm tired of spaghetti. But you always like sketti.* 3 stars

*Clinton Torture: Bill's bubbles is just tryna give you kisses.* 2 1/2 stars

*I'm On The T.V.: Been waitin' for you to turn me on.* more than 2 1/2 stars

*Rap 4 Ca$h: A school teacher, of 25 years, will do anything for a raise.* 1 star

*Island Of Original Ideas Mirror Effect: an idiot's idea of an interesting illusion.* folly

======================================================

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Creationism & The Bible, Fact or Fiction *Pissing on one's own feet while the ground crumbles beneath forming a crater of disbelief. Leaving one in critical need & clinging to the causal or a creed.* Folly?

James Randi Debunks An Astrologer *"Everybody believes that they have a sense of humor." - Stephen Fry who doesn't believe that the astrologer accurately judged his friend Hugh Laurie.* close to decent

Forbidden Transmission: World Bizarre *freewheeling babel.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Weird TV: Burning Man - Early Years *Survival issues, sexuality, porta potty use, & potato gun fun.*

between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

"Dawn of the Mummy" *Classic Universal horror theme grave robbed by Euro-sleaze exploitation schlock vandals.* 2 1/2 stars

PBS presents American Experience: The Lobotomist *"Ambition makes you look pretty ugly." -Paranoid Android- A look at the doctor who tried to turn a grotesque medical procedure into a McDonald's style franchise value menu item forthe severe to the even the slightly mentally ill.* either zero or 3 stars

Alien Sex Fiend - "Now, I'm Feeling Zombiefied" *Face is caked white, you see a dead rat & you take a bite...* 2 1/2 stars

"You Spin Me Round" (Literal video version) *Freaky pirate all tied up (in himself).* close to 3 for the literal 3 for the actual

Uncharted Zone: "Hurry, There's A Hurricane" - Ken Manning *Hold on to your hats & to each other.* close to 3 stars

--- Reel Wild Cinema w/ Sandra Bernhard: Lunatics on the Loose:

*Sandra wants to go to third base w/ Antonio Banderas, her Aztec fantasy...

*Curse of the Aztec Mummy: Beehive hairdo damsels in distress, rubber bat attack, crotch crawling spider, & hideous ghoul doing the rigor-mortis-arms trance step dance*

*Sandra promises a movie with bad dubbing, coming up, "So don't go away." For the bad dubbing, I'll definitely stay.

*America's Most Wanted & Top Cops on USA network. A one two punch of justice & dullness.

*A soccer ball toting toddler wakes his middle aged dad up & his dad needs a small pouch sized doze of Folgers coffee. I bet this man can't even take a morning shit in peace.

*A disembodied red lipsticked mouth for Rembrandt whitening toothpaste. "2 shades whiter" promised. All the varying shades of teeth color from white to off white to yellow to grey to diseased orangish brown to black... Amusing memory of Mitch Hedberg's tartar sauce joke

*The Psychic Solution w/ a very self aware ad where they parody "bad psychic" hotline call centers complete w/ dart board for predictions & vanity mirror distractions during calls.

*Sandra now promises stock Civil War footage w/ clips from a nudist colony. Robert E. Lee is rolling over in his grave in his slave mistress's underwear that he demanded to be buried in.

*The Monster of Camp Sunshine: Thank that "scientist in the sky" for water pollution & sexual deviancy.*

*Quirky-reggae-whitebread-feelin' Long John Silver fast food joint on the beach commercial where there are tropical birds inside the establishment (sure the health inspector likes that notion) & couples relax in the waves drinking supersized sodas in foam cups (I bet those don't get put in the proper trash bin & instead float about the waves onto the beach)

*Crocodile Dundee vs. Ogre of Revenge of the Nerds & Bloodsport in a station wagon chase....

*Kenny Kingston "legendary psychic" & sleazy old school Hollywood showman look-a-like w/ love advice for lonely yuppies who go through everyday being horny & instead of acting on it & taking chances they wait for over the phone voodoo advice...

*Dweezil Zappa is Sandra's guest: Not sure if it's his rainbow colored girly liquor drink talking but Dweezil let it slip that he might believe that Aztec civlization dates back at least a million years....

*Sandra wants t.v. trying to scare people instead of always endearing itself to them.

*Bloody Pit of Horror: More tortured by the swingers he performs medieval cruelty upon, the Crimson Executioner gets caught up in his own scarlet devices.*

*A crystal ball gazing clairvoyant, w/ pink hair, predicts that Snoop Doggy Dog, Bush, & Dennis Miller will be at the 1996 MTV Video Awards. Pumpkins will also be smashed.

*USA capitalizes on the Unabomber headlines w/ their own original movie version...

*Sandra would have no sympathy for a girlfriend caught in a devious bondage trap...

*Oath of Green Blood: Audience participation required in taking a vial of verdant liquid that might make one vile or vivacious.

*Star Trek's original resident black boundaries breaker is sadly selling her soul as a spokesperson for a psychic hotline. This one even makes the claim that's often been used as a joke against psychics "Lottery winner predicted." Yep, "it happened."

*Coming attractions: Scream of the Demon Lover... Giant from the Unknown (awakened after hundreds of years & wearing conquistador armor. so, it's the Spanish to blame)... The Crawling Thing from Planet 13 promises to attack audience members (nice gimmick ploy)...

3 for Sandra, 3 for the shorts, & close to 2 for the ads

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"Sting of Death" -1965- *The Hunchback of the Everglades suffers a squelching at the hands of Florida Gator co-ed swingers & marine scientists. He goes all man-o-war on their jiggly jellyfish jive asses.* 2 stars

Baywatch Nights: Pursuit *Stinks of 90s sleaze/cheese. Says "Nights" but can't help in filming over half the show on the pretty beaches during the day. Featuring a couple of my boyhood tv crushes, Carol Alt & Angie Harmon.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Varga - "Greed" *Beavis has the great idea that someone should invent something to watch music videos on (a television). Butthead's great idea is Beavis should shut up.* 3 w/riffing 2 1/2 w/out

Troma presents "Blondes Have More Guns" *Basic Instinct parodies haven't aged well, but Troma satire silliness is timeless.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: The Business of Love, Yoga, Tantric Sex, Etc. & Sex, Sex, Sex *Follow made up rules, follow hokey signs, follow shady email-spam links, & fuck if any of it happens to work.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Video Dating: Looking for a goddess. A goddess is a woman, any woman, all women. No fatties!* 3 stars

*Sexual Harassment Comedy: Don't say anything, ever, because you're an obvious dickhead.* 1 star or close to 3

*Courtship vs. Dating: Don't get hung up on sweaty beefcakes. Acquire the fire to be a hard to get Christian cock-tease.* 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------------

David Hasselhoff - "Hooked On A Feeling" (Literal Video Version) *Hoff w/ "wiener" out & high on believing. "Please throw a fish at me!"* more than decent w/riffing or close to decent w/out

Nathan On Your Side: Sex In Advertising & Penis Extension *What turns you on? Please tell Santa so that we can market correctly.*

2 1/2 stars

Occult Demon Cassette presents "How To Be Cool At Parties" w/ Malcom Jamal Warner (1986) *Anybody can act like a jackass.* 2 1/2 stars

Pee Wee's Playhouse - Adult Humor & Innuendo (youtube) *Being a Spring chicken, I wasn't spry enough to see just how subliminal Saturday mornings really were.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pod People *Smuckers presents movies

A) Redneck poachers run into 'The Thing From Another World' B) Lil' Opie & his new pet Alf... or C) Ace of Base's tragic vacation in the Catskill Mtns. Joel says "It stinks! *okay hand gesture*"*

3 stars w/riffing between 1 1/2 & 2 w/out

Herman's Head (Pilot Episode) *Clever premise pulled off effectively. Made even better by the voice of Lisa Simpson & another Simpsons' legend Hank Azaria's charm.* close to 3 stars

Comics Only: Employee of the Week - Hank Gallo (1990) *Talent scout who searches the gay leather bar scene.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Rachel Sweet - The Sweet Life (The Comedy Channel circa the early 1990s):

*Lou Diamond Phillips makes fun of greasy haired Johnny Depp

*Jon Stewart impersonates a pretentious French director

*Rachel Sweet is a quirky raven-haired petite cutey poking fun at the Cosmo magazine's version of a girly girl

*Naked centerfold spread of David Hasselhoff is mocked by Rachel...

*Classic "Cow Cow Boogie" film short, that I just saw on Night Flight, is sang along to karaoke style by Rachel... she's definitely sweet

*Quotes: An unexamined life is not worth living - Plato... Time eases all things -Sophocles Get over it - Rachel Sweet... (cute)

more than 2 stars

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#The Haunted #Jerry springer #Ray Comfort #Penn and Teller #everything is terrible #good bad flicks #siskel and ebert #night flight #dog police #james randi #beavis and butthead #tv carnage #the last dragon #shotgun #hospital massacre #cannon films #video wasteland #sctv #brass eye #geraldo rivera #mystery science theater 3000 #mst3k #found footage fest #grandpa munster #satanic panic #tom bergeron #forever knight #the greatest american hero #the prisoner #farscape

[lolocepu-jajacepu]

Slow to Get Up

It had been about eight bells after the fight that Cepu lost horribly, ending up at the bottom of a waterfall, yet he is not where he passed out. He is slow to wake, his entire body ached. He didn’t even try to move. At first, he accepted whatever his fate would be in that moment, surely at the hands of the mafia? No, he was laying under a grassy green rock laying on a thin sleeping bag, his sides were the same. There was no light coming through as it was now evening, and the entrance is covered in grass and thick bushes, but there is an oil lamp going that illuminates the little cave. Waking up to the leafy smell was different. It was obvious that this is someone's hiding spot it seemed. 

He inspects himself with as little body movement as possible aside from his neck up. He had no clothes on, none, just a towel covering his bits. He didn’t notice any bleeding, just some bruises, and some physical exhaustion. Someone either did something weird with him, or he got healed. He turns his head to see his clothes lying neatly off to the side. His gloves were there as well. He very slowly gets up, letting out a yelp of pain, very much so aching as if the fight just ended. He mustered enough strength to get himself into his clothes. As he slipped on his gloves, the branches ruffled violently. Someone was coming. He quickly got into a defensive position, but it was just some Hyur lady. Average height, average build from what he could tell, though she wore a long white coat with a hood on, white boots and black pants. There is a staff on her back. Though Cepu is standing there like an injured animal trying to defend itself, she still freaked out, shaking her head and waving her hands.

“No please don’t I’m the one that healed you I’m a nice conjurer that was walking by and saw you lying on the floor and i wanted to help so I carried you here to the Black Shrine!” She spoke in a high pitched voice, and speaking very quickly. He put his fist down quickly and let out an exhaust. His body couldn’t handle another fight, he didn’t even summon any aether as there was only enough to keep him upright. The girl relaxed as well. She takes her hood off to show her face clearly. She was on the paler side, with some of her hair in a bun, but the rest was fizzy and loose going to her shoulders, and in a large amount. She has glasses and freckles, and looks rather innocent.

“Who are you?” Cepu asked, taking a seat where he was just laying.

“I am Godelina Cantrell, local conjurer, plant enthusiast, very not threatening.” She still speaks fast, and with some shakiness in her voice.

“Alright relax. M’in no position t’hurt ye anyway.” Cepu replies. She closes her eyes and takes some deep breaths, then opens her eyes again. She has a gentle look about her.

“Alright, out with t’story.” Cepu ask, looking down at his gloves. They seemed fine for the most part.

“Well, I was strolling along on my chocobo. I had just found a special plant that only grows in Thanalan and wanted to collect research. On the way back, I saw you fall from the waterfall and pass out next to the water after swimming out. On a quick decision I ran to you, straddled you to my bird and took off before people came. I took you here, one of my many temporary sleeping places throughout the Shrine when I cannot return home for whatever reason. I proceeded to heal you and give you some aether, both of which you needed duly. You stayed asleep for a long time so I left you here as I went to town to get medicines for you.” She smiles gently at him, going for her rucksack to pull out potions and food, sitting in front of Cepu and handing him an ether.

“I can feel your aether, which is barely.” She states. Cepu just looks at her. He truly didn’t sense any malicious intent from her. “Please, I truly want to help. Here, proof.” She takes the same bottle and drinks some of the ether and waits for a moment, showing no effect to her. Cepu is convinced, taking the bottle and downing it with an exhaust at the end. He could already feel his aether flowing quickly and revitalizing him. He then takes the food, some fresh fruit, and eat it. Godelina eats with him in silence.

“So..what’s yer thing here?” Cepu finally ask after swallowing some of his food.

“Well, I’m a conjurer, and a botanist researcher. I collect data on certain plants, their role in our ecosystem, and study for any medicinal value before handing it over to an alchemist. I also heal weary adventurers, you being one.” She says, a brighter smile than before. She was obviously proud of herself. Cepu shakes his head.

“Don’t go ‘round savin’ people y’don’t know. Might end up in a bad way.” He warns. She pouts visibly.

“I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself. Besides, I haven’t picked up anyone bad so far, and you fell off a waterfall, clumsy.” She snickers, though she stops herself. Cepu almost told her the truth but decided it was better if she was ignorant to the situation.

“Yeah, whoops.” He says with a fake smile. He finishes eating and stands up, some energy in him, doing some basic stretches.

“Glad to see you heal fast.” She says happily. Cepu throws some quick punches. He’s not quite there but he is well on his way. He sits back down and looks at Godelina. “Well, thanks. I’d prolly be dead without you havin’ helped me.”

“It’s my pleasure! If I may ask though, why were you up there?”

“Sightseeing.” He fires out. “Seems the rocks were a bit slippery, aye?” He adds a light chuckle. She chuckles in response.

“Please next time be much more careful. There are already many dangerous things in the world, waterfalls don’t really count.” She jokes. “If I may ask, what is it that you do?”

“I work for my brother. He creates toys and sells em, mostly for kids in Ul’dah.” He states.

“Aww! How cute and noble of him. Just from that he sounds wonderful, and you sound wonderful for helping your brother.”

Cepu shakes his head. “I’m just the bodyguard is all. He needed my help with talking but he’s gotten down how to talk and barter now.”

“What brought on toys?” She ask.

“He wants to make every kid in Ul’dah smile in times like this.”

“By the gods, he sounds wonderful. Mayhaps one day i will meet him. You both seems sweet.”

Cepu knows that’s a lie. He doesn’t deserve the same praise as his brother, he thought. His head begins to fill with negative thoughts about how his life is so much lower than his families, and how he almost died. He just lays back on the sleeping bag.

“Mind if I stay the night?” He ask.

“Oh! Of course! I will be leaving soon so make yourself comfortable, even though there isn’t much. I will leave the potions here, and my linkpearl. I’m usually near Gridania, so if you ever hurt yourself again I’ll heal you up.” She smiles at Cepu.

“Oh, what’s your name?” She ask.

“Cepu.” He responds. “Now go on, I need s’more rest.” She just nods, slowly. She wasn’t going to ask any questions, understanding he was in pain.

“Sleep well.” She says before leaving. The rustling sounds of the bushes became faint as she walked off. Cepu lays there and immediately begins to cry. That was the closest he ever came to death and he hated it. He starts wailing, tears going down his face and hitting against the floor. His head was filled with failure and hopelessness. He cried for a full bell before crying himself to sleep.

In the morning he raises, taking the potion and eating some leftover fruit. The oil had run out in the middle of the night but now the sun was shining through the bushes. He could hear chirping birds and other animals. His body felt much better. He looks at the linkpearl and hesitantly takes it. He didn’t want to get her involved with something she doesn’t even know, but for emergency reasons, he’ll take it. It’s not like he’d need her any time soon, knowing he’d need to hide the armor he was wearing, and probably not wear his gloves. Luckily they didn’t see his face, but he hopes his hair doesn’t give him away.  

“I’ll dress plainly and blend in with everyone, and bring no attention to myself.” He thinks to himself. He nods and teleports back home to his apartment, where another wave of crying, depression, or drinking likely awaited him.

#IC #Story #FFXIV #Lolocepu Jajacepu #Lalafell #Dunesfolk #Cepu is now available for RP