#it was nice to be talking to people but having to talk to people drained so much out of me that i slept at 9. which is bizzare

[bi-writes]

can't stop thinking about dark!simon with a sunshine!curvy!fem!reader, it's gnawing at my brain. (18+)

greeting him when he comes home in a little apron with dough smeared across your cheeks. you're bouncing in the kitchen, giggling as you wrap your arms around his neck. one burly arm hooks around your waist as he palms one side of your ass, and you kiss his lips over his blood-soaked mask again and again as you coo, "missed you so much, made you chocolate chip..."

you talk and talk and talk and talk. you're always talking. you're always whispering in his ear and chattering as he drives and telling him some story about something he missed while he was gone as you tidy up the flat. you never stop talking, never run out of things to tell him, and despite the monotone voice and the lack of response, he hears every single word that you say, and he forgets nothing. when he makes his way back on base, johnny is waiting, eager to hear an update about the receptionist at your work and if she is actually sleeping with your manager.

you wash his clothes without even blinking. you're at the sink, a bucket of cold, suddy water there as you scrub at his shirt. there's peroxide at the side, and you use a delicate hand as you scrub at the stains on it. ghost watches from the doorway as you hum to yourself, in a little pair of shorts with your hair tied up as you rinse the shirt clean. blood runs down the drain, and his shirt is clean as new.

you always find some kind of weapon around the house. you bend down to brush crumbs off the kitchen chairs, and you scold simon with a glossy pout because he left a bloody knife taped under the table. you whine when you find a grenade sitting in the same drawer you keep your tampons in. you complain when you take out the jar of rice to make dinner, and there's a small handgun hidden between the grains. but your face always softens when he cups your cheeks with two big hands, kissing you warmly, muttering, "gotta keep y'safe, luvvie...know there's a bloody line waitin' for a taste of y'r cunny, baby."

you visit him on base once in light wash denim and a white tshirt, sneakers hitting the linoleum and purse swinging as you wave at him. he's standing in front of a line of privates, watching them do jumping jacks, and his eyes light up a little when he sees you waving at him enthusiastically. when he finally makes it to you, he shoves you into the nearest supply closet and tugs your jeans down just enough to fit his cock between your thighs. when he's walking you out, the boys watch as you cling to simon's arm, a lovesick grin on your sweaty face as you flutter your lashes up at him.

he loves when your manicured hands touch him. scratching along his scalp, tracing the edge of his jaw, cupping the bulge in his pants. you're so sweet, the most giggly girl, and he loves tasting the strawberry of your gloss as you make him cum with your hand, cooing against his lips about how strong he is, how much you love him, how you would do anything for him.

he loves it most when you see him for what he really is. when he comes home battered and bruised, bloody clothes sticking to him, a snarl to his voice and the adrenaline of an op still pumping through his veins. he loves that nothing about him scares you. that even like this, you lean up on your toes and kiss him softly, that you get some of the blood and dirt smudges on the pink of your pajama pants, and you don't care, that he strangled a man with these very hands only hours ago, and you still want him to touch you.

he loves that you love him. that when he feeds his cock into you that night, in nothing but your baby pink lingerie, that you barely need any prep at all from how wet you are. thick thighs spreading apart, sticky slick shining on your skin, cunt nice and ready for him because you have missed him that much. he loves that no matter how ugly he feels, you always find him attractive, that no matter how many people he tells you that he killed tonight, all you do is smile and pucker your lips, and tell him, "it's okay, teddy bear, they deserved it, didn't they?" and yeah, they did, cause it is kill or be killed, and there is no universe where ghost does not fight to get back here, to get back to this pretty pussy, to get back to the bed he shares with you so he can watch those pretty tits bounce every time he fucks his cock into you.

ghost loves his pretty girl. all smiles. all soft, so cute, just perfect. ghost casts a shadow over the room, and you just brighten it right back up. ghost tracks blood into the house, and there you are to cover it all up with citrus and soap.

yeah. always just sunshine and smiles at home.

#i want to elaborate on this so much #just like #responding to every nasty thing he says with a laugh and a smile #calling him pookie when he licks the blood off his knife #squeezing his cheeks after he cracks someone's skull open #kissing his bloody knuckles when he comes home from the pub #yeah yeah yeah yeah #simon ghost riley #simon riley #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x reader #simon riley x you #ghost mw2 #ghost cod #ghost call of duty #ghost mwii #ghost x reader #cod #call of duty #simon riley smut #simon ghost riley smut #dark!simon #simon thoughts

[keirientez]

#nudity warning #guess whos back from college yipee (i was trembling for the entirety of my first day) #it was nice to be talking to people but having to talk to people drained so much out of me that i slept at 9. which is bizzare #drew the middle one while waiting for my afternoon class. what is there to even say i fantasize about women daily #also i like to think for fem!reborn but young she’ll have those puffy flowy dresses but black. #since if reborn originally followed traditional mindsets and standards when it comes to clothing he went for suits (which he later #-proceeds to expand his wardrobe and goes for crossdressing looks like reboko (one of his alt identities) #but would mostly have clothes following the traditional sense #fem reborn would love vests and formal clothings too i think but if in child form the fandom had reborn originally in an ouji-esque look #with top vest and shorts. so i think those puffy lolita dresses are cute for her #tsuna is just tsuna lol but i referenced her hair from levy mcgarden in fairytail #her hair is extremely iconic for me its so pretty #one reason why i chose her hair for reference is that if you just change her hair color to brown she’s literally tsuna’s fem doppelganger #another reason is that i like levy mcgarden #shes just silly ok i love her #and if youre in the fandom you’ll know her abilities which for me at 14 year old was cool as hell #katekyo hitman reborn #r27 #sawada tsunayoshi #reborn #fan art #genderbend

[orcelito]

The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow

The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[

#speculation nation #negative/ #i guess. i Am complaining. #i did agree to this. better to rip the bandaid off ahead of the family christmas. #but i havent talked to her since like... jeeze. i really think it's been over 2 years by this point now. #ignored all her calls and texts and Letters even #like what am i supposed to say? heyyy ma nice to see you (i guess). why havent i called? well uhhhhh #even in her letter she sent me it was essentially a nearly illegible journal she kept during a depressing as fuck time #something that really shouldve stayed as a journal. but no she wrapped it up stuck a sticker on it and drew some nail polish on the envelope #i am her child and yet she was using me as a therapist. venting things and In The Letter saying she didnt know why she said them #like. mom. you know you dont have to send me everything you write right? you know you can start over right? #but no she just writes with no filter. no consideration for me. #because she's a sad sad woman who sees her children as the only things worth living for #and i do say things. she doesn't fucking care about me as a person. #she just misses the experience of being these little impressionable people's Everything. #no one puts up with her bullshit these days and how sad is that? #so. well. that's the kind of reason why i havent talked to her. bc she's a fucking drain just to be around. #but shes my mother yada yada and something in me still feels maybe even slightly socially obligated to see her #really though i just want to see her Side of the family. i miss them. i haven't seen them in too long. #and in order to see them i have to see her. and i decided itd be best to see her ahead of time #so that family xmas is. at least slightly less awkward. hopefully. #what am i supposed to do if she tries to hug me or something? i dont want to hug her. #either she'll be all weepy that i havent been talking to her or she'll try to act like nothing's changed at all. #or maybe both. who knows. either way itll be entirely about her. as it always is. #i just need to make sure i dont end up alone with her #so long as my sister or grandma are there too she wont be As insufferable. hopefully.

[magpie-to-the-morning]

Introverts should come with visible social battery indicators, like NPCs.

#My coworker is so chatty today #and I’ve tried to tell her I’m trying to focus #but I think she’s one of those people who can #talk and focus and NOT feel like their life force #is draining out of their ears #so like #it would be nice to have a visual option #for well meaning but exhausting extroverts #on days when you’re just Not Feeling It

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel #the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule #and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office #classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand. #which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a #mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively #i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when #i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an #office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then #when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low #energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its #like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that #i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my #lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to #convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture #of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing. #the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like #they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha #yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc #i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself #from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode #and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at #like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop #so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd #also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry #bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting #hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that #the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun #unrelated

[literalite]

uni aside (since thats always gna be a disaster for my unmedicated ass) im kinda living my best life rn..

#probably why im not running to escapism as much as i used to ehh #feeling rlly close to my irls been spending a lot of time with ppl i trust having fun feeling goofy #now if my hair would just magically look nice and i could concentrate on my coursework we'd be golden #talking to people online for the first time more draining than talking to my irls will wonders never cease idk my energy got all flipped #seph.txt

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

[A] is a character who is in an emotionally-delicate state and needs constant contact with someone to feel stable. [B] is the only person [A] feels understands them, so they form a close relationship with [B]. Little does [A] know, [B] is also in an emotionally-delicate state, but they need to be away from people 24/7; so [B] never calls [A], because [A] never gives them enough time to recharge before they call again.

As a result, [A] believes [B] to be just like the rest of people; they think [B] finds them annoying and doesn’t care about them. But nothing could be further from the truth; [B] may not ever go out of their way to contact [A] willingly, but [A] is the only person [B] ever talks to. [B] doesn’t find [A] annoying in particular; [B] finds anyone who tries to talk to them annoying, but finds [A] less annoying than most, because [A] is like them, letting [B] vent on them for hours because they recognize no one else will give them that quality time. [B] becomes jaded with so-called “extroverts” because they shun [A] for their quirks, and let all the duties of being a halfway-decent emotional support fall to them.

#writing prompts #whump #angst #I’m [B] #When you create a hostile environment for someone because they’re “annoying” #Be aware that the person you shun is suffering because of you #and somewhere out there an easily-drained (equally-weird) introvert is cleaning up your mess #because you couldn’t find it within yourself to show even a shred of basic human decency #I’m not a nice person; everyone thinks I’m nice because I don’t ostracize weirdos… WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT #Weirdos are human beings with all the same needs as you oh normal person #You don’t recognize that I’m a weirdo too because I’m quiet and don’t fuck with social interaction if I don’t have to #So you label me as shy and try to include me because you feel sorry for me when I want to be permanently left alone #But when a weirdo wants social interaction; you don’t give it to them because they’re “too much?” You’re weak. #And they say neurotypicals read social cues? aha hahaha #Fuck off #This is how it is with me; this is how it always has been and will continue to be #I cannot be everyone’s support system. #I’m not nice. I avoid walking on the same side of the street as people because I hate talking to strangers #I never say hello unless someone says hello to me first (unless I need something from someone) #I don’t like it when people talk to me when I’m doing anything that doesn’t require speaking #I actively avoid the sound of human conversation because it’s overwhelming (especially if the people in question are loud and emphatic) #I don’t go outside if the neighbors are out there because I don’t want to talk to them (even if they’re genuinely nice) #When I am in a conversation I don’t listen to what the other person is saying and I’m just waiting to say what I want to say #(which never happens because everyone talks right over me unless their speaking skills are lesser than my own) #(but if the other person is more awkward or introverted than me; I feel more inclined to listen because I know they’ll listen to me) #But yeah. I’m decent; not nice. There’s a difference. #People think that because I draw pictures for them that I really care for them. #No… It’s easier for me to draw than it is to write a thank you card (I always use the same sentence structure for thank you cards #so my words are never genuine)… I’d rather just repay them with a good or service; so they get a drawing. #idk thank you cards (in some situations) just seem fake and tacky to me

[cetoddle]

like i just don't get it

#everyone has someone except for me #everyone has a loving partner or at least one close friend if not a whole group #someone who actually wants to fucking talk to them. spend time with them. someone who cares. makes an effort #i don't understand what's wrong with me #even if people are nice to me or at least not explicitly rude #it seems like no one wants to form a deeper connection with me and i just. don't know what i'm doing wrong #i've tried being normal i've tried embracing being weird #nothing ever works. there's no one for me. i don't get it #i've been trying so so hard for so long to be brave and put myself out there and try #and just. i'm still alone #i have nobody and i'm starting to realize i never will. i have no goals for the future. i have nothing #what's the point anymore .... #talking to the wall rn. i know no one cares. if anything i just bum everyone here out and annoy them #i have no one online i have no one irl. i just have fucking nobody and i'm tired and i'm scared and don't understand what i'm doing wrong #i want to go take a shower. slice myself up with a razor and watch blood swirl down the drain just to feel something else rn #there's literally no hope for me #i don't want to keep doing everything alone. i'm not strong enough to keep going like this. i'd rather just die #snow.txt

[haarute]

man i want to try to stream consistently again but i'm either busy or tired most of time and it sucks!!!

#streaming is impossible for me without turning on that “active entertainment mode” switch in my brain which is very draining #instead of just relaxing and having fun. #i even know most streamers stay consistent by not giving a shit about what they're doing so they can chill out #but it's still impossible for me to adopt that mentality :( #i miss it because i got to talk to some chill people who were nice to me. #randomly dropping on my stream and being active. adding me on discord and stuff. #that was really fun.

[loumauve]

-

#running face first straight into every single rejection sensitive wall atm and it's so frustrating #like. can we just not do this rn brain? I'm too tired to deal with this on top of everything else #all it does is make me alienate myself from people I care about and make me feel like shit afterwards #and it doesn't fix any of the underlying issues either. (like. I've been upset about ppl not doing what I do) #(as in read all of my fic like I try to read all my friends' fic usually. but like.. not everyone can and not everyone wants to) #(but it's one of those irrational things of 'if they cared about me wouldn't they also try' even tho that's not a fair ask) #(and like.. most people don't read random fic for fandoms they're not even in so this is entirely stupid to be upset about) #(but here we are anyway) #just.. me. raw to the very nerve and too tired to fix anything that might help alleviate it #I just want to feel normal again. and like I have control over my emotional state #but between 'dude fucked up bc of his borderline being triggered by grief and letting out all his frustrations on me for weeks' #and 'other dude grieving but not processing and not even taking a break to figure out where he's at emotionally.. #..therefore dropping all of his unprocessed baggage and his part of the group work right on top of me' I'm just having a heck of a month #and idk. it would have been nice to talk to sb about my fic even if it's older now and not the best perhaps #(doesn't help when everybody you know writes really great fic and you're just outside the door scribbling some ideas into the sand) #idk. usually I do better in disconnecting self-worth and accomplishments and stop myself before the comparisons with others start #but rn it's all too much and I'm drained and exhausted and nothing feels good or helps much at all. #anyway. #it is what is I guess. and what it is is fucked and I doubt it's gonna change anytime soon. #that's not me being unrealistic or depression talking. it's based on how things have progressed thus far #there's another year and a half of this kind of stress which will likely get worse when our group grows from 18 to 31 in October #and then I'd have to start working proper again which I haven't in over two years bc of all the rehabilitation I've been going through #and it's terrifying and I'm already exhausted and worn down and worn out and I just don't know how normal is ever gonna be my life again

[lemondropletters]

I know I’m making a joke but you really don’t understand how angry I am at the recent news.

[Video Captions: “Why are you the way that you are? / Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. / I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.”]

#just when I finally accepted the fact we won’t get a season three #and I convinced myself everything would be okay because atleast I can rewatch it whenever I want #what does Disney do? #I really just…they are so unbelievable… #just so they don’t have to write it on their taxes?? come on man! #and now they’re going to raise prices? #‘confident that we’re on the right path for streaming’s long-term profitability’ #literally what are you talking about?? #Not only do you cancel shows that don’t make you immediate money— #now your removing them since they are supposedly taking money out of your billion dollar corporation wallet #and then you proceed to renew the most médiocre passionless projects #your literally sabotaging yourself?? #cause guess what if you don’t make the people giving you money happy they’re going to leave and find someone else that can #i even had to cancel plans and stay home because of how mentally and physically draining this news has made me feel #I’m not even trying to be dramatic…just stuff like this hits me hard for some reason #I know I can find the show online somewhere but still. #the people who worked on this must feel terrible…I feel so bad #my sister: it’s like if Van Gogh painted something and tried to give it to the museum and they just tell him #‘no we don’t want any more of your art. and also we’re going to destroy every single painting you’ve made. have a nice day!’ :) #i might talk more about this later but for now I’ll stop…sorry if I made you upset I just needed to get this off my chest #mysterious benedict society #the mysterious benedict society #tmbs

[loverboybitch]

hi i would just like to report that getting out of my house and being a member of society is cool and kind of rules even when its scary yeah.//.

#uploads #imjustsittinghere #meeting this at work like actually went well it was really chill and cool to see everyone #like yeah i did embarrass myself trying to introduce myself wehn we all went around idk i got like really anxious halfway thru #talking and sortve just mumbled off the end of my intro but it wasnt so bad i think #at least had good chats with like two people ive only sort of met online and they were nice so : ) #literally forgot how nice it was jus to be around other people and do work and stuff its cool. we all had to get new laptops #and were just hanging around the IT station waiting and chatting and i felt a littel more whole than i have been #oddly feeling restored instead of drained and feeling better than i have been the last couple weeks #no idea how long it will last but we can treasure the joy for now #ordered some books i wanted and a bunch of new yarn #plus my new hoodie is finally supposed to get here tomorrow so im pumped : ) #still missing alot and a little lonely but ya know what else is new #thank u to everyone for not making fun of me for being vulnerable on my ig story i had to get it out #n truly i really just was like this is stuff i post and say on tumblr anyway why not be a lil open about my feels to my close friends #smtimes its good to be a lil vulnerable even if its scary #very much love <3 :* #oh and also jsut on==unrealted #but i hate that i look better with a fresh clean shaven face cause shaving is so annyoing lol #like i really do look way more cute and handsome i just cannot be fucked to shave more than once a week really or even that often #keep thinking like i should get laser hair removal on my face but no that is far too permenant #what if i look handsome with a beard when im older #but for now i need to toggle that shit off like a video game character i swear #anyway <3 very sleepy just finishing work have a big day of recceving packages and sewing with my friend later #kiss kiss xx

[ragingdumpsterfire]

.

#I’ve been trying to expand to mastodon since twitter is going down the drain but man #the community there seems kinda cold #like I’m sure the people are all nice but the platform itself isn’t great #there’s no interaction #there’s not a lot of fun art #it kinda feels like everyone’s talking to themselves past each other #I hate Elon so much for destroying what was a decent platform #don’t get me wrong it had issues #but oh god does it have more now #twitter will be missed #I loved all the Kojima interactions so much #it was nice getting reblogged by him 🥹 #and I met so many good people there #but jfc it’s not long for this world

[heatobrienswife]

.

#it's funny how you can be mentally drained from just talking to people not like in a bad way just socialising in general being draining #the person was really nice i just have a very smol social battery but ye i just find it weird how just talking does that #shut up rattie no one gives a shit lol

[hecksupremechips]

Idk how to even talk to anyone anymore when it’s just the same thing in a loop over and over

#i cant tell anyone anything or ask for help cuz lets see what happens #i get hit with a generic ‘just keep going keep looking for jobs keep going’ #or i get *too honest* and then ive completely drained someone of life cuz thats really all im capable of doing anymore it seems #like it seems all i do is go on some sorta monologue about how miserable i am which is pointless cuz its not like anyone will do anything #and its just stressing people out too cuz its like lol if youre helpless and have to listen to me bitch over and over to you #its either annoying as hell to hear or its guilt inducing and we cant have that now can we #and im quite frankly tired of all these options like lol the very few people i actually like and enjoy are just fuckin #nothing anymore cuz im ruining their lives and being an awful friend #its really great how youre supposed to confide in people when youre feeling like shit but then doing so ruins everything #lol what am i supposed to do now you know? i cant talk about anything except myself and my misery #and its a never ending cycle cuz im still here in this unsafe environment and im just so fucking sick #of people telling me to just keep going and keep looking for jobs cuz god bitch thats what ive been doing #and i have nothing yet and lets say i get a job tomorrow its probably gonna pay like shit #and im too incompetent to work 40 hours so if i wanna like ease myself slightly itd take even longer to have money #and its just gonna take forever to save money enough to leave and god I need out like right now #because im just gonna go insane and im gonna kill myself if im here any longer every second im here breathing #feels like im being strangled im becoming a monster too and the worst friend of all time and terribly selfish and whiny #lol i guess ive just got this dumb fantasy where ill be saved by someone who treats me nice and they take me away #and i dont have to wait or lift a damn finger i can just. be safe. and get a hug and not fear my life #im so lazy and worthless and horrible I really do just deserve to die #but i guess i cant say that. cuz then itll make everyone too drained lol

[medicaltechnician]

idk if its the late nights and lack of activity (my own fault) but i’ve been feeling like i need out of this friend group more and more. Idk what it is (i do, it just seems… petty and stupid. And just seems like a me problem not a them problem.)

problem ofc is that, there are a couple people i like as friends in the group. hell fuck i love them all and don’t want them out of my life completely. sort of wish that I didn’t have my ex out of my life completely. Maybe one day we can reconnect. But we both have to be more mature for that. We both need more growth. No idea how he’s doing.

I feel like I villified him a bit in my brain. Which was urged by my closest friend. Who I trust with my life so. (this was after I confessed maybe I have problems with him to to this friend. which was valid). Idk, people approach things differently. And I agree’d with my friend.

I think its a problem with how I talk. I guess I come off in absolutes? Idk. I give off, strange vibes when I talk. This tangent makes no sense to anybody but me.

But also, can’t just, drop em? They’re sort of my only friend group. It ain’t like I get out and about. I don’t mesh well with people. It sort of sucks that the most I’ve meshed well with is my ex, my bestie, and another friend. My ex is no contact so fuck me ig. My bestie is pre-occupied with other things and personally, I feel we’ve drifted a bit. I’m not too bothered by it? It’s neither of our faults, just taking different life paths. Also going from complete co-dependency to what we have now. What we have now is probably just normal friendship lmao. And then the other friend is a couple years younger than me, so obviously they do have their set of friends within their age group. Which I encourage them hanging out, like obviously. I see myself as more of an older brother figure ig. Try to part some wisdom I’ve gained. Then theres my crush and obviouslt rhats a mess, I wish I never had a crush on him so we could have a normal relationship. I wish I could have friends?? Idk. what am I talking bout?

So, yeah. I need to get out of the house more often so I can meet like-minded people (in the creative and path sense) so I can actually do the things I want to do. I don’t even need to be a producer or lead or director. Fuck I’m happy starting from the bottom and working my way up. (Ideal situation is mainly being on equal footing. I want people to give their input and ideas to my ideas, and vise versa)

#ker talks #it’s strange nowadays i feel like when i reach out im being annoying or smth #whether im reaching out for positive stuff or negative #when i do i rarely get a satisfactory response in my mind. feels like i’m being brushed off. #or ya know i’d like to hold a conversation thats got some meat to it? but it fizzles out #shit wondering if my bestie even wants to talk to me. #last time I came over I was hoping to watch jerma together and we did-ish. he sort of was textin/interacting with his crush #or just on his phone idk. call me a boomer but it bugs me when people r on their phone in a one on one situation #I understand if it’s a bigger group or if ya just checking it #but it seemed fuckin constant. it sucked. shit. #its worse when we get high together esp since i only get high alone so i tend to scroll a bit too #but itd be nice if when we got high we did stuff together esp in person next time we hang out i’ll keep note of this stuff and bring it up #just to make sure i aint making it up. esp cause i feel like im being stupidly jealous bout this #i see him interact with others? whats different bout me. he said he feels comfortable actually unmasking round me #and i know interaction drains him and fuck he went through so much and is trying his hardest to stay alive and sane rn #so idk i dont want to put more on his plate. but its fucking me up a bit too. #hell one of the things we went thru together. reacted differently and affected differently cause slightly different situations. #its honestly one of my working theories on why we drifted cause we keep reminding eachother of that night by interacting. #it sucks. alot. i dont want to be reminded of my failures. of the fact it traumatized him so fuckinf deeply and i failed. #and then i feel guilty for even feeling like shit bout the event cause i didnt have /that/ happen to me i just happrned to be there. #i need a goddamn professional to sort this out. it sucks ass. and i hate that it fuels my self hate #both to do with my inability to protect and feeling insignificant. overshadowed. thats the worse feeling of it all.