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rangarlamamicado · 3 years

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"When You Wish Upon A Star”

A Nuts & Dolts RWBY Volume 8/9 Dream Sequence Vent Fanfic

//context: Ruby is having a dream between when she fell into the void with Neo, and when she wakes up on the Beach with everyone else. As for the nature of this dream, read the description below. //tw: Vent Fic, Suicidal Thoughts/Actions, Nihilism, Despair/Existential Dread (Don't worry, it has a happy ending, nobody dies I PROMISE) //description: In this dream, she is at the end of her journey having defeated Salem and Cinder, and having moved on to a peaceful life of solitude as one of the Heroes of Remnant, she experiences a feeling of emptiness and dread having lost so much to get here, including some of the things that may have been what she needed to find motivation to keep going. However, a miracle presents itself because of her faith. Just what will Ruby experience that could possibly change her mind from giving everything up now that she believes she's fulfilled her purpose? //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// "When You Wish Upon A Star" by Rangarl It had been forever. Finally, after what felt like years of turmoil, revelations, and mind-shattering conflict and efforts, though she was at the end of her journey, and though the world was a safer place, Ruby Rose was always reminded more than anyone else that she had lost two of her best friends along the way. She knows there wasn't much she could have done, but it wasn't something anyone else could relate to, expect a select few equally closed in and impacted allies... Though, despite the tragedy and losses of these close-minded warriors of the heart, one in particular she was lucky enough to meet one more time before fate took her away from her for good. Ruby indeed had many regrets about Pyrrha, though she never knew her as well as Jaune, as for her other friend she had this experience with, though Ruby blames herself, she mainly wishes she had never roped this one pure soul into all of this in the first place. Of anyone, she missed Penny the most, and Ruby surprisingly found herself in the position Penny had been in before she met her; Wishes gone unanswered despite the sheer silence of the universe to her plea, no matter how impossible it was regardless... Loneliness in a world where not a soul could compare to what she had known before it came crashing down... It was just as Penny had told her how she was before Ruby introduced herself into her life, and now it was too late. She couldn't have done anything about it. In fact, she felt partly responsible for having made her so weak as a real human soul compared to her unfeeling shell earlier on... was it worth just one hug and no goodbye? Of everything, though everyone had happy lives they could return to such as the happy couple of Yang and Blake and their lifestyle of symbiotic support and understanding for what they had been through, Ruby felt alone. She had shut off Weiss and Uncle Qrow if they ever tried to get in touch with her, and it came to a point where her depression became too compelling of a force against those she knew who had been looking out for her. All she could do was sit at the windowsill and look at the stars as if she were looking back. She would talk to her every night when she would be all alone, and she would tell her how she feels and that she misses her. She apologized for everything every time she could think of a regret, and prayed that she would forgive her wherever she was... As for Ruby herself, her day to day life was distant from others when making her rounds at best and shut in all day at worst. Though they were celebrated heroes, due to the requests of immediate family they were all promised regular civilian lives... however, life could never be the same as it was when she felt a sense of purpose, a world to save and people to help her keep going... If Ruby couldn't have the one she felt closest with, the one who understood her more than anyone, and if she couldn't be as close with anyone else knowing that there was only one person meant for her to share life with, being the girl who not only was more human and polite than anyone she had ever met, but had the least chances to truly live since others saw her as a machine... she truly was more than anyone could've prepared themselves for, and she was too good for this world more than anything. Penny had told her in the last days that she saw her before the tragedy that she'd never told anyone except her that she'd been praying for someone to bring her out of this rut she'd been in for all of her life, that she had never realized that what she had that resembled emotions could be understood so fluently by someone as equally willing to be understanding as Ruby. Ruby never realized until the last hug everyone and her got from Penny that when she could finally understand how she felt, her heart was in complete agreement with her soul that these emotions weren't just part of her programming like everyone thought. It was way, way too much. Ruby had reached a breaking point. Without her, she realized that now that the world had been saved, aside from what had been taken from her, and the death and destruction that had plagued her heart up until this point, corrupting her soul without such a pure ray of light in her life, she wished more than anything to be with her. Ruby looked in the mirror with herself, and with a part of her mind reminding her of what she had wished she hadn't remembered, the answer held itself out to her. She looked herself into the windows of her soul, silver eyes... A well of power that could vanquish anything she found in the way of her mission if she felt absolute conviction and motivation that what she was doing was absolutely right... it was a power that innately combatted the very nature of the Grimm, who fed off of fear, a lack of conviction or hope... just what she was feeling. But if conviction in a future of no future were to exist, had she become this evil? Would Ruby's eyes vanquish herself? Could she banish herself with her own power to join her best friend if it meant she thought it was the only way out? As Ruby stared, it was the event horizon staring back that greeted her. Hopelessness in her face bred an echo chamber of despair and conviction in a futureless future that held its hand out like a handshake with Death itself. If her eyes of silken white reflect white, yet it represents the opposite if but to vanquish itself, is it truly light? Ruby had no chance to question it, because she didn't want to... but something still beckoned in the back of her mind wondering what life would be like if she didn't stop here... Where would she go? Who would she meet? How? Could anyone be as sweet in a world without danger where everyone is spoiled with peace? Was danger the only answer? It was as if this hand that held itself out to Ruby were a dark side of herself to clash with her light... that was the only answer... yet, it was herself. Her eyes glow now, not with white or black now, but gray, a middle ground as her free will slips into an abyss as she accepted her fate and let her rage and self destruction consume her. It was time. Her halves were ready to become whole as she were to remove herself from this world now that she had achieved her mission so she could be with the one she belonged with. But as she gripped her temples until her nails began to dig so hard that her head began to bleed, she heard another voice. Not in front of her, or within herself, but behind her. "Ruby..." "Ruby... Rose?" Ruby turned from the mirror to face the evening window. She hadn't left it open last she checked... but the moon was never so bright since it could never be whole here. Perhaps today was a lantern festival? She couldn't keep track of the days anymore, so it wouldn't surprise her... ...Yet, afraid someone might be trying to break in, she steps away from the mirror to check it and find not a soul in sight... but she looks up to block the beam blinding her to see that the moon was no longer several tiny pieces dimly reflecting an incomplete whole, but it was one again. Ruby blinks and sees that the moon is just as she remembers, and tonight there indeed were lanterns... but something was off. It's fall, yet the festival of wishes doesn't begin until spring! From this far away, they looked blue like the stars in the sky. They wanted to be one in the same, but could both really grant her wish? Does this mean what she thinks it means? In denial, Ruby slams her fist down on the windowsill, closing the window with a slam of her interal rage as she returns to the mirror having gotten lost in false past hopes, she told herself. However, as Ruby approaches the mirror, she sees somehow that her mirror had broken just like the moon... in the shards she no longer saw her conviction. Something was messing with her... but why? Hadn't she deserved to die? Wasn't she ready? Had she not already accomplished everything she was meant to do in this life? "Please, Ruby." Ruby turned in fear, but nobody was there, she knew it. Something was messing with her. Perhaps her loneliness has finally driven her to insanity. She grabbed a shard of glass from the mirror, causing the other shards to fall from its baseboard at once with a deafening clatter that begged the mind in its very nature to snap. "Who the hell are you?! What do you want from me!? Can't you see all I want is to leave this place?!" Ruby screamed, wielding the glass shard with a grip so hard her palms almost cut themselves, if not her assailant-to-be. Ruby put her back against the wall and made sure nothing could surround her. Nothing was in her room, but she knew looks could be deceiving... Suddenly, however, a pair of hands reach out from the blank space within the realm behind the mirror. However, rather than a grip of malice like Ruby had set over herself in her reflection, it was as if something was freed from within it... to protect her. One hand covered her mouth while the other fought the glass shard from her hand. It was as if it was trying to stop her, but not to kill her. The shard clatters to the ground with a sound that inspired confusion and fear instead of rage like the glass from a moment ago. Then, a clear voice poked itself from the space within, and spoke in hear ear with a whisper that was forceful yet gentle and familiar... what was this? "Ruby...! Please, look what you're doing to yourself! Stop it!" Ruby fought her head back with her neck to see who it was until she saw the face of what she denied more than anything she had ever seen. Ruby freaked out and dropped the glass before falling forward, and scrambling backwards. "No... you're not here... you can't be. You're... n-not alive... anymore. I... I don't want to be haunted like this...! I... I..." Ruby's voice died as she could only fumble, but Penny stepped out from the mirror to stop her from doing anything rash. "Ruby! It's okay now, I've come to save you... I... I saw you here, and I couldn't do anything, but I wanted to stop you... so I... I'm here now." She made no sense, but Ruby, who was clearly older and torn was in sheer shock to see her as young as the day she never got to say goodbye. She had to voice this. "Penny... I... I never got to say goodbye to you... I... I know now what you've felt back then more than any day since you met me..." Ruby slowly got up, Penny had to give her room due to the cramped and messy bedroom, but they managed, despite the sheer denial in play here. "But why are you here? I... It should have been me. I should've been the one to die for you... I've been doing what you told me you did every day since you were gone, just praying you'd be back, but... Why? And how?!" Penny got to one knee, and held her hand out to Ruby. Ruby, confused, takes her hand, and welcomes her to sit, after which she scoots around to her shoulder and sits next to her rather than across from her to help her breathe. She already was exuding unadulterated fluids of regret and longing from every orifice on her face right now, so Penny simply did what she helped her learn. "Ruby, think back. You helped me learn that wishes come true when you want to make a change in your life where fate is unfair, remember?" She turned her head to her broken sunshine. "Penny...! I... I...!!" She couldn't respond, but she knew once it was all over she'd have so much to say, she just couldn't say it. "I know Ruby... you don't need to tell me. You've helped me, in reality, and it was my decision to protect you, so you don't need to regret anything - That's why I'm here, after all. I don't want you blaming yourself one bit, okay?" Penny wraps her arms around Ruby's closest to hers. "Can I ask you something, Ruby?" She closed her eyes and rested her head on her shoulders to calm her, somehow having an incredible effect on her. It was otherworldly, like nothing she had ever witnessed in any of her days of combatting and banishing Salem and Cinder from this world. It was... true. All she had to do was voice herself. "A... Anything! I, why, I'll tell you anything, Penny! Please, tell me! I'd be so happy to hear you ask me anything! Anything... Just one more time, please..." Ruby wanted to cry on her, but she didn't want to tarnish her perfect image, not when this was her only chance to tell her what she'd been waiting to say. "I... I never got to talk with you about how you feel. So Ruby, are you okay?" "What? Of course, Penny! I... I missed you! And I... why, I..." "No, Ruby, that's not what I mean. I... I wanted to know if you're okay because I'm here... is that true, Ruby?" "What?! I... *sniff* I... I've been... no! I've been so alone! You... you didn't deserve to die like that! All I've wanted was to be with you... I would've died to be with you... I... I didn't want to live if it wasn't with you, because all you've ever wanted was to live... how could I?" Penny looks up and looks Ruby in her eyes, using her hand to motion their heads in line of each other. Her eyes were nothing like she had remembered. Penny's eyes were more alive than she'd ever remembered, yet it felt so far knowing she might not get another chance like this. "Ruby... I... I've learned many things since I've been gone. About the heart... about fate, simply watching you fight despite my loss... but all the powers that let me follow you in the first place helped me realize something, Ruby... I..." She paused, taking her hand off of her face and putting it down and facing her head down while her eyes look up at her still... "Ruby... I will never get the opportunity to love anyone... other than you." Ruby's lip began to quiver. "So... I just came to let you know that... I'm going to be your guardian angel. I... I've been given a very important job, and I've been given this one night to tell you everything I wish I knew when I was just a girl... a girl you helped me realize I was all along, Ruby. You gave me this chance... so, thank you." Silence stood for a minute, so with that, Penny slowly got up, and Ruby watched her walk back to the mirror. Ruby had to take every moment she was given to comprehend what was happening, but it was too much for her human mind, even after all of what she had done in every moment to save everyone but her and Jaune's true love. It was a battle against herself, but in a new way, and yet, she had to muster something... anything, before she leaves. Anything. As Penny turned to give her a goodbye, Ruby had gotten up and wrapped herself around her, lips against her own. It was all she knew she could do for her, and she didn't want to risk never seeing her again without telling her what she knew was true even if she tried to deny it. Penny at first was surprised at her action, but it took her no time at all to realize that this is everything that both of them had ever wanted, truly. It was to be understood - no... - To be loved. Penny had Ruby in her arms, and her funny short friend that she knew was still in there all along felt like their soul was finally set free. This was what you would do for a loved one, they both knew, and they reconciled in this truth, casting away all false conviction and remembering this as a reminder for the rest of their lives as long as they may live. Ruby looked up at her slight height difference over her, unsure if things were always this way. All she knew was that she wanted to protect her, and to be protected - Yet, she knew this was always going to be true, and they knew that now. "Penny... thank you so much... I... I love you so much! Please... please come back again! I... I'm so sorry I let you go! I'm so afraid to let you go... I-" "-Ruby, I'm going to be here for you. I... I love you too. You taught me what it meant to feel protected, and now hoping for all I've ever wanted has let me be part of someone I've never wanted to let go... so keep that faith for me, Ruby, and for you too. It's... it's what makes you so beautiful... inside your own heart, and your own soul, just like me. That's what I realize I felt within your heart the first time you told me I was your friend, whether you knew what you meant or not." Ruby hugged Penny again really hard this time, almost like the first time Penny had hugged her, because she knew this might be the only chance she has to tell her how she feels. "I...! I love you too, Penny! I-I'm going to be praying that you come back again one day, and one day that I'll join you! Please look over me, and never let me go, okay? I hope I've proven everything to you, and I'll prove it to you every day I don't see you, even though I'll know you're there! That's... that's all I want" Ruby jumps up and kisses Penny one last time really well in each other's embrace and hold, knowing that they'll never be alone from each other, and they'll look out for each other until the day they'll truly reunite. With that, Penny thanks her with a smile and true laugh, a happiness she had never felt until now either. You could even see the tears on her face, they were true too. Ruby felt at peace, but in a way that would never be shaken, even if she had to save the world all over again in another life, even if it took forever. They slowly let each other's hands go with hesitancy, though they know now that it'll be okay, and they take a breath, knowing everyone breath from now until the end of time would be just as close, for they indeed trust the distance. Penny walks into the mirror slowly, looking back and waving a melancholy happy goodbye, knowing everything would be okay. With that, and a blinding light like Ruby's own Silver Eyes, the mirror mends itself, though Ruby can tell even now that through the slight scars in the reflection of how the glass was mended remains. Not a scar, rather, but a reminder. A reminder of return every time Ruby has ever had her doubts. Ruby stares a moment longer before she realizes her fist is clutching a bow of hers she left behind. Perhaps an accident, perhaps intentional, but Ruby clutches it hard upon seeing it before deciding its time... Ruby opens the front door, and gets on her scroll. Pacing and a walk outdoors on a peaceful evening are all she can ask for now, but she had to make amends, and Weiss picks up immediately. "Hey, Weiss... It's me. I... I think I'm ready to face you and everyone else. I... I'm sorry I left you guys for so long... Mhm... Yea, tomorrow morning sounds good... Thank you, Weiss. Goodbye, and good night." After hanging up, Ruby closes her eyes and takes in the night, sitting on a bench in the campus of the repaired beacon dorms she had now called her home. The air was eerily calm, but Ruby took in the peace the void presents now rather than what she had feared from it earlier. Before long, Ruby feels almost like she's about to find perfect rest... Drawing away into an unfamiliar world and whim, as if fleeting life on the very hope of the true heart, Ruby feels a pulse of energy throughout the cosmos centered on her, as if a supernova were witnessed in her shoes centered directly on her mind... like the world were resetting itself, and all she could do was watch as the infinite depths of space wound in on itself, crashing in on her as this dream came to an end. Then suddenly, a blinding flash of light, and the deafening ringing of silence enveloping it. Indeed, the void beckons, but dawn has risen, now. Lethargy sets in with a heatwave, and before long, the sound of crashing waves lightly on sand. Ruby opens her eyes to the blinding light of two sun's, but Jaune and the rest already seem to have noticed Ruby finally came too and flock around her, blocking the light for her. Their voices all began covering her at once. "Oh my god, you're okay! Goodness, Ruby, it's been hours, we thought you were a goner!" "Ruby, it's me, your sister! I'm okay! We're all here! Neo's here too, but we... we all survived... we... but..." "Ruby... I... I don't know how to put this... I... I'm so sorry." The cacophony of voices was much, but Ruby sat up unfazed... with few words and a glance at their faces, she realizes... "Penny... she's... she's gone, isn't she." Jaune's face becomes pale as he falls to his knees because of this, and quivers into a sobbing fit as the rest of the team try to support him and Ruby, but Ruby is calm. She sits up, Crescent Rose not far from her. She turns her head to the point on everyone's mind, and there she lies on the coast, as if she were fast asleep taking a rest almost like she were just a moment ago. Ruby gets up and walks over to her. Jaune follows, and having been helped up by the gang, he explains that Cinder was going to kill Penny for her maiden powers, and she got fatally wounded, but she asked him to kill her before Cinder so it couldn't happen while Weiss and Blake fended Cinder off. Ruby, however, in her moments just before her rest, as if having prepared her for a future she had yet to face, and maybe even prevent, Ruby shed no tears. Ruby knelt down to Penny, and took her hand. Ruby then found it, the bow in her dream, clutched in her own hand. Ruby was shocked to see this, others not noticing like she had or even not at all, Ruby decides to place it in her palm before closing it. "I'll keep praying for you like you did for me. You are my guardian angel, and I know you will be here for me, Penny. If you can really hear me, just know that... that I love you." Ruby then leans down and kisses her porcelain face, plush yet cold, but not like steel. She was free now, that she knew. Weiss, Blake, Yang, and Jaune were all shocked by this admission, but they accept it and Ruby's words, and mourn in their own ways. Neo, too, stood feet away, staring, to which Ruby looks up and sees while the rest look at each other and exchange their thoughts on what they witnessed Ruby say and do, as well as their situation. Ruby gets up and walks over to Neo. Ruby is surprised she isn't going after her, but can't help but ask her... "You... you attacked me earlier, but... what happened?" She couldn't respond, which Ruby quickly realized, but to her surprise, she got crafty and began writing out a message in the sand with her illusion semblance. "They told me you told them you didn't kill Roman, that it was a Grimm... I believed Cinder cared for me and my mission of getting revenge at all costs, even when I thought you and I were going to die... but being betrayed began making me question these things... and seeing you mourn over your friend reminded me of how I felt when Roman died. At first I wanted you dead, but now I don't know what I want. All I can ask for is some time alone..." Ruby felt a shocking level of empathy from her, but this empathy stemmed from defeat, so neither really knew, but needless to say it stood for a lot considering she wasn't trying to kill her, and that was all there needed to be, frankly. Ruby, however, felt like she had learned a thing or two, so from now on she felt she would swear an equal level of empathy in reaching her goal, even if it meant triumphing her past evils, and today she felt like starting here. "You might not be ready for this, but we took in Emerald after she came to the same conclusion about Cinder and Salem's double-crossing that you have. If losing a loved one has taught me anything, it's that you and I fought for similar things for opposite sides. All I can hope for now is that you find the peace to overcome this, whether you'd like to join us or not. Good luck is all I can say I guess." "You too."

#RWBY #Fanfic #Spoilers #nuts & dolts #ruby rose #penny polendina #rwby volume 8 #rwby volume 9

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victorian-lad · 5 years

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So this is the first chapter of a Villain Deku fanfic I’m working on. Please don’t destroy my bad writing skills. It gets better, I promise.

‘Can I be a hero too?”

“Without a Quirk? I should think not, young man.”

All Might’s cold, final words echoed in my head, triggering the tears that slipped quietly down my face, something they did entirely too often these days. I leaned forward, pressing my palms into the sockets of my eyes, trying in vain to stifle the pain from within.

It was one thing to be called useless by Kacchan but to hear the man I had idolized all my life tell me I wouldn’t amount to anything, that I could never even brush at my dreams,... that cut deeper than Kacchan’s constant taunts ever would.

Then again, perhaps years of his bullying had desensitized me to the sting.

Yet again, my eyes traced my long time favorite video of All Might. Fond memories of fangirling over this video as a younger child flooded my senses.

More tears slipped from my already bloodshot eyes. I had already shed so many tears that my face was raw from the saltiness of my tears and all I could taste was salt. Yet again, I wished I had Kacchan’s anger to drive me; he would simply rage at something as crushing as this, rebelling against the universe rather than lay down and cry.

Weak.

I was always the weak one, the useless Deku. Worthless, Quirkless, Futureless.

Why couldn’t I just have All Might’s strength? Why was the universe so cruel? What had I done to deserve this?

The darkness of the inky shadows in the subway tunnel stood out in sharp contrast with the mango light of the setting sun, with its bright warmth catching warmly on the wispy clouds. I stepped out of the sunlight, immediately feeling the coolness of this protected alcove, always untouched by the sun.

Small traces of dirty slime from the villain clung to the walls, darker than dark against the charcoal concrete.

I trailed my fingers limply along the wall, trying to hold back the treacherous tears that pricked against my ears, scratched up my throat, closing in on my airway. Why?

Why?

I let a few warm tears slid pathetically down my face, falling against my lips and dripping down my chin.

“I thought I might find you here.”

I whipped around hands coming up in front of me, ready to use what little I had against whatever villain came at me a second time. After all, my quirkless ass wasn’t worth All Might’s time twice.

“Relax. I just want to talk.”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know. What do you want?” My unseen foe challenged me, condescending yet somehow sincere.

I felt the tears, painless and quiet in and of themselves yet, speaking of the agony within my mind, slipping down my face again. “I want to be a hero. But…”

“But you are quirkless.”

More tears. I was a veritable river of salty sadness. “Yes.”

“Why would you want to be a hero anyway? Your own idol, the man who gave you determination all these years has told you that you’ll never make it.”

“Why would you say that?” I could feel the tears welling up, thicker and more chokingly depressing than ever, clogging my senses, closing up my throat, “You know that his words hurt me! Are hurting me…” With those words, I let the faucet of tears escape, streaming down my face and tracing down my neck, drowning me in my own hopeless depression.

“I am not saying these things to make you cry. I am just genuinely curious why you would want to devote your life to helping people who do nothing but scorn you, tear you down and defile everything about you everyday.”

“Because…”

“Because you want to be like your idol? The same man who told you you’d never be a hero.”

“I mean…”

“You know I’m right.”

I huffed a teary little sigh. My unseen converser was indeed completely correct. My only real question at this point was how the hell this guy knew anything about my conflicts.

“Come with me.” His voice sounded softer now, more kindly, as if he was beginning to pity me. “You don’t have to be a hero to change the world. Let me show you.”

I could almost feel the smile in his words. Whether or not his intent was malicious, he knew he had won.

My last feeble protest fell rather flat, even to my own desperate ears. “My mother…”

“Will be fine. Trust me.”

Strangely, I did.

I stepped deeper into the shadows of the tunnel, following the quiet footsteps of my unseen beneficiary.

The bar was dark, closed in and confining, lit with a strange, reddish light, yet somehow distinctly homey and welcoming.

A small girl, blonde, with space buns and mischievous yellowy feline eyes, bounced up to me grinning wide enough to show her perfectly straight, white molars. She held out one hand, reaching forward to grab my own, limp, sweaty palm without even waiting for any kind of okay.

“I’m Himiko Toga!” Suddenly, she ripped at my arm, pulling me forward with a violence unprecedented from such a minute human being. “What’s your name?”

Anticlimactic for the way she yanked me forward, something my shoulder could attest to.

I stepped back from her, gently pulling my noodly fingers from her shockingly tight grip. “Hello. My name is Izuku Midoriya. And I have no real idea what I am doing here.”

A boy, maybe three years older than I myself, slouching against one of the back walls stepped forward, the tips of his spikey, ink black hair catching in the strange scarlet light. With the faint illumination on his face I could see the rippling, maroon scars that covered much of his face. “We are the League of Villains.”

“Villains?!”

“Strictly speaking, ‘villain’ is a subjective term. We are really just the people that didn’t follow society's rules. Which makes us villains and outcasts. However, you have to keep in mind that most of the people that have changed the world did so by challenging society.”

“Well said Shigaraki.” The spikey haired guy leaned further into the light, causing the crimson light to catch on his bright, flame blue eyes, turning them a strange violet color.

“So you are?...” I nodded toward Scars.

“Dabi. Just Dabi.”

I turned to the man who had lead me to this strange, dark world that I was already immersed in. “And you are Shigaraki.”

“Tomura Shigaraki.”

“And together, you make up the League of Villains.”

“We. Provided you want to stay.”

I sighed, surprised to find that for once, no tears threatened me. “I have nothing to go back to.”

“And you want revenge.”

“Well…”

“Good. Welcome, Izuku Midoriya.”

#fanfiction #fanfic #bnha #mha #villain deku #villain au #izuku midoriya

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jokjok-leta · 7 years

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Too Real

If you ask me how am I doing, I would literally cry my sadness out, due to the amount of sadness that I have, I will probably cry for a year without ever stopping, And if you ask me how's life treating me, I will punch myself just to be less crazy than of what I am feeling right now, I don't need someone to ask me, I want someone to listen, I'm beyond tired, I'm beyond sad. I read about people who don't feel , I can't believe that there are people who don't feel a thing, feelingless is such a buzzard thing to me, I have all sorts of feelings, I can't stop feeling, I'm a whole person of feelings, I wish I was a little feelingless, like just a little bit that I don't care, let say for example, of what the people might say about me, like I wish I don't care about that. I wish I was somewhere else, in your arms maybe. And ..... And I'm hopeless, I'm hopeless and fucked up. I'm a prisoner, in a very bad way, I don't have any kind of freedom, my wings are stolen, I cannot pursue happiness, it's forbidden for me to do so, I can't build the life that I want it, it's a major sin. And I can't be a sinner. But I'm suffering, I'm being extremely depressed. My happiness lies in love, and that's half of the problem, you see, love is a red line for me, I cannot cross it. I should never find love, and even if I find it, I should never pursue it, I should never seek it, and never search for it, even though it's all what I ever wanted, like it's so wonderful to be loved, it's so beautiful, and I want that, I want that and there is no shame in wanting that, then why do I feel guilty for saying that, why do I have to suffer. And I can find other sources of happiness and I did, find. But I live in a futureless country, no dreams ever come true. And nothing green here grow. Only death lies here. And oh God, how much did I wish for death. I wanted to die the first day I knew what I am, I knew that I will live my whole life in total agony and sadness, no escape, I will never be truly free, and that is breaking to an infinite pieces. And it's not fair, it's not fair at all, if I can't have love, then why can't I have a future. Why I can't have anything, and I asked that question years ago, now I have accepted that fact. And I found happiness in solitary, I made my own happiness but I can't live in that little world of mine, I had to come out due to a certain responsibilities, and now I'm sad again and life is beating the crap out of me, and she's ready to fuck me again, but I'm done, I'm really done and I want to leave this earth and I want to die. You guys have no idea how much it hurts to push away not only a chance of love but chances. It's just sadness over sadness on top of tons of sadness and now I'm mountains of depression, no crying water to grow flowers from, my heart is a stone, you can't grow roses in stones. Even if that stone is broken. And if you want to know why I am writing this, it's because today was such a bad day for me, my boss treated me so badly that I wished a fictional character is my boss, I killed a lovely chance of a relationship with this overly cute person, who's I have been dreaming of, I just simply turned it down. And I could see in his eyes how much I have hurt him, and that pained me to the core, that I have hurt him, he's so sweet but I'm forbidden of love, I can't walk with him in that dangerous path, and I hate my being for that. I'm not free to love and I will never be. I'm sick, like really sick, I have the flu and it's bad, it's really bad. So if you ask me how I'm doing, please don't. I think I'm done now, I think I'm gonna go.

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lillerblg-blog · 6 years

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I upload my reflection on ‘how have I got here?’

drawing

I hated drawing. Okay, that’s not 100% true. I still remember, when I was younger around 5, I always did drawing about tale characters, some fantasy drawing and my mom said they’re beautiful and like everyone else I did believe it too. So when I went to primary school I loved art lessons and once I participated in an art competition and when I shown my final painting to my teacher I asked her ‘is it nice?’ my teacher said ‘no’ (here I was so sad for a second) and she continued ‘this is not nice, this is beautiful Lili’. I don’t know why I still remember this conversation this clear, but probably because this was my first sense of achievement in art.

however, later, in high school I didn’t really cared about art or drawing, I didn’t think about choosing a career of arts. but when me and my family moved to London (I was 15) I went to a normal high school and I chose art&design as a subject and I truly loved it, it helped me to fell in love with art again. I’m so grateful for those years as I decided I wanna work with art somehow.

I went back to Hungary after finishing with GCSEs, and I was attending to an art high school, I was studying art history, graphics and academic drawing by models. I liked that I surrounded by Hungarian students so I finally understood everything and I could make some friends, but on the other hand I didn't really like the school method. I had one-day long academic drawing practice lectures on every week and we drew ‘still life’ and portraits or full-length drawings about live models. They tried to teach me what I missed in the past 2 years (I dropped in the middle of the course) but it was just impossible me. They expected me and us to draw exactly what we see in front of us, it had be correct by scale, size, shadows, shades, everything like pros did in last century. It was really cool if you were good in drawing, but if you weren’t then you could feel isolated and ‘excommunicate’. Plus, all of the BA courses based on academic drawing skills (don't know why, so stupid, I don't think so that there is connection between graphic design and drawing skills, but never mind) so if you wanna get into a uni then you need to pass the 3-steps application process where the second step is a practice exam drawing full-length by live model (1. portfolio and 3. interview). I felt so hopelessness and futureless as I hated drawing and also wasn’t good in it at all.

I didn’t went to uni in Hungary in the end, I rather came to London within that to UAL to study graphic design and I still happy for this decision.

as I explained, it seems I always loved drawing in the depth of my soul just those years in Hungary, they really pushed me to believe I’m terrible in drawing and I shouldn't do it. however, I wanted to change on this old habit that I don't draw, so I bought a small journal sketchbook and now I'm making sketches about what I see on my way home, these are normally made on buses or trains. I know its not a big deal, but for me it is, I'm really proud of myself to get rid of the thought that I'm not good in drawing.

I’ve done something which I could say similar to 3D in Part 1 on a Catch Up Day. it was a 10 minutes challenge to connect two elements together without sticking, so I made this geometric straw pyramid. I really enjoyed the method and also was satisfied with the outcome.

I would do more 3D works in the future if it will be available and have time to spend on it.

photography

in high school I had photography lessons and also did my GCSE in it. that was the first time in my life holding an expensive real camera in my hand, I remember I couldn't even use it. of course, later on I got used to how to use them and also I truly enjoyed the projects and all of the things what we have done at photography lessons.

at the beginning of foundation course I set up a photoshoot for my blind date project, and I think it went well. it was a bit weird that I had to do the photoshoot about a ‘stranger’ I mean it was a little uncomfortable to tell instructions to her, but I feel this feeling in me doesn't come up on the outcomes.

I enjoyed to do and set up the photoshoot, and because of this feeling in me I became interested in photography, moreover in photo manipulations, what possibilities do we have, both manual and computer-based.

to be honest I'm pretty bad in technical things however also very interested in, so I would be very happy to be able to attend on a photoshop class or something, because I realised it doesn't matter how interested I feel, I can't learn it by myself just by watching videos.

film

filming is not really my world but I was always impressed by effects and creative solutions. so I'm interested in how each films was made by, but I wouldn't do as a job, I rather just watching them.

animation

I kinda have the same feeling to animation like to film. I always so amazed by truly creative animations and more amazed by how they did it, how they were created.

I very like prints especially lino prints. I like the most about linos that they are multipliable as many times as I want it and by this I had the opportunity to print them in different colour see which one is matches the most. I also like the cutting process due to I like detailed works, I like to work carefully and be able to take my time.

the ‘biggest’ lino cut I made is an eight-sheets book and it took me 2 or 3 months to finish as it is a coloured lino, more precisely I used 5 colours.

typography

when we were doing the typography project at the beginning -to be honest- I didn't really like it as it seemed a bit dry, boring. however, later on as we worked on the project it began to be interesting and I started to enjoy it. at the end, it was one of my favourite projects. I learned that typography is really the base of every piece of graphic design, without a good edited typography even the greatest work can be looked awful.

this is my final outcome at this project, and I honestly enjoyed it despite the fact that at the beginning I thought it will be boring and ‘dry’.

book arts

I like making books and also liked the book project, especially the first two one-day projects, both the group and individual one. I liked the group project because it was great to cooperate with classmates and set up a book together where all of the decisions were made together too. however, I enjoyed the individual project as well as I explored how different things can we create using an old book, in my opinion it was really beneficial and useful for further book projects too.

research

of course, I like to do researches especially hand-on researches like experimenting, watching movies & interviews or visiting related exhibitions. I think these ways of getting information is more useful and lasting on longer term as I remember more easily what I experience, see or watch.

I can't even imagine a project without research, I search for related images or articles inevitably anyway.

group work

I truly enjoy group works & critics every time we have it. at the beginning, I didn’t want to take part in group things because I felt shy and uncomfortable due to my weak English but after couple of times I realised it’s doesn’t matter, the point is to describe my thoughts as clearly as I can and don’t worry about the rest. moreover, in my opinion I found group critics very beneficial, it helped me a lot particularly when I got stuck in the middle of the project or just wasn’t sure about my ideas.

one-day project

I found beneficial these short projects as well as longer ones, this is because in my opinion these shorter projects help us to get a taste and get the feeling & mood to an upcoming projects. I could learn a lot from these teaser days. if it would be possible, I would do at least one one-day project at the start of every project.

this is my ‘how have I got here’ reflection, I hope you will be able to understand my thoughts and opinion despite of my grammar.

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