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furiousgoldfish · 3 months

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While growing up in an abusive family, a part of me strongly refused to grow up, in fact it's still resisting it. I thought at first, it was because I was taught that I am less and less valuable as I age, but it wasn't only that. It turns out, growing around mostly abusive people, can give you some horrifying notions of what it means to be an adult.

I am going to write down how I perceived adulthood, as an abused kid, because I need to work on it myself, and if there's somebody else feeling this, know that these are not your only option for a future:

All adults are stupid, unkind, boring, bitter, aggressive, obsessed with money, do not understand people around them at all.

All adults have to play specific roles assigned to them and don't step outside of these roles. For instance: mother, grandma, father, aunt, teacher, uncle, neighbour. All roles are restrictive and people can only do whatever is assigned to this role (cleaning, cooking, working a job, going to army, being married, etc)

Adults can't play, be curious, or have fun. Adults have to be focused on their role and stay grumpy, serious, bitter and busy. They don't laugh except when drunk.

Adults are having it tougher than children. They are unloved, uncared for, nobody considers them nice or pretty, nobody wants them around or gives them gifts. Adults are permanently unwanted and undesired everywhere.

Adults have good opinions only of people who are already dead. Everyone alive is constantly being humiliated, shamed and criticized. It's better to be dead.

Adults don't care about children, and only think the worst of children. Adults think children should only exist to work and to be yelled at. Adults are dangerous.

Adults don't care about friendships, loyalty, kindness, courage, bonds, closeness, care, or love. Adults friendships are drinking and smoking in the same room while talking badly about every other person in their life. They don't play, laugh or share things. It's a big game of pretense that the other has it better.

Adults lie and fake everything. They lie about their home life, about what they know, about money. They lie about, and to their children. They tell lies confidently. They make things up if they don't know and then tell those lies as if they're truths. They don't feel guilt if caught lying and instead double down on it.

Adults have money but they can't spend it. They have to keep paying bills and they never have enough money for bills and food. They will buy alcohol and cigarettes though, but they're always stressed about bills. They consider it children's fault.

Adults are endlessly stressed about having to 'feed a family'. This is so bad that they actually end up hating their families. They wish all of their children were dead so they wouldn't have to feed them. They can't seem to stop having children but also hate feeding them. It's like they're forced into it.

Adults have to work constantly. They work their jobs and have to do endless chores when they get home. They have to get up early to do chores and do them late at night. They have to do everything alone, unless they can get a child to do it for them. They can't select not to do it, they have to shift it to someone else to avoid it. Adults have no free time, or hobbies. They have to work at all times and always know what needs to be done.

Adults have bodies that work less and less. They can't run, climb or jump. They're always having surgeries and can barely walk. Their backs and hips hurt and they complain about the pain every time they need to do anything. They blame the work for this but can't stop working. They're still somehow stronger than children when they want to hurt children, and then they're fully mobile. But at all other times they appear sickly and need stuff done for them.

Adults never get over anything that ever happened to them. They're always victimized by everything that ever happened to them. We the children have to get over things instantly, but they are angry and bitter about the past forever. They hold grudges against family members forever. They freely take things out on other family members. They never forgive or forget or calm down.

Adults are not passionate about anything. Their main priority is looking good in front of others and convincing everyone they're better than they are.

Adults selectively care when someone is crying. If it's someone they don't know, they'll act nice about it. If they know the person they will tell them to shut up and stop annoying them. It's like they fall for strangers tears but see through anyone else's as pretense. I don't understand.

Adults die and then other adults get drunk at their funerals. They say you need to cry but they're only serious for the public part and then go and have parties where they just laugh with everyone. Adults don't care about the dead people but say you're not supposed to say anything bad about them now they're dead. They pretend they cared while the person was alive but they didn't. They obsessively clean and decorate graves just for others not to think they 'didn't care'.

Adults will betray anyone's secrets. Adults will tell other adults whatever you told them in confidence. Adults cannot be trusted with information.

Adults judge and badmouth anyone who doesn't act the way they think people are supposed to act. They will impose their own rules and morals on others and shame anyone who doesn't agree. They insist that everyone needs to follow their assigned family role even though they complain about hating their own. They use the most horrid slurs for people they consider 'bad at their role' and write these people off as parasites and worthless people

Adults all agree children should be obedient, quiet and never want anything or disturb them. They want children only to present them with achievements and work for the rest of time.

Adults have sex but nobody is supposed to say anything about it. It's unclear whether they want to be doing it. If it's a part of a role it doesn't seem like they can say no.

Adults can't be cared for or pampered like children can. Adults do not get candy or chocolate. Adults say it's because children are cute and they're not. Adults are jealous of children. Adults complain about not being cared for.

Adults don't understand how hard children have it and always say being a child is the easiest and best time of life. They seem jealous and tell children to be grateful because it's only going to get worse. I can't imagine surviving worse. They claim their childhood was better than anything they deal with now because food was free and they didn't have to have a job.

Adults have no freedom. They have to stay with family and play their role. They can't survive otherwise. They leech off of each other and hate everyone. They live by imposed rules that force everyone to stay together even if they hate each other. They hate everyone around them. They feel loyal to no one. They bring misery to themselves and people around them and don't feel shame or responsibility for anyone they've hurt or ruined.

Adults don't see others as people with their own inner world. They insist that everyone except them is stupid, shallow, mindless and worthless.

Adults are all cowards who will submit to anyone who is stronger and louder. They'll only fight those who are weaker. They don't care about justice and will happily punish victims in unfair fights. They themselves are bitter and upset if they don't get the justice.

Adults only ever look out for themselves. They don't care about other people. They want money and others to admire them and to serve them. If that is not happening they are angry and bitter at the entire world.

Adults don't see good in other people. They don't see what someone else needs or deserves. They don't care about adventures or magic. They don't have wonder or awe inside of themselves. They don't even look at beautiful things in front of them. They don't care about nature, animals or trees. They don't care about books or knowledge, or reading. They don't care about stories or legends. They don't care about people who suffer so badly they want to die. They judge people for suicide.

They don't care about creating or making something unless it can be sold for money. They don't even tolerate others doing it.

They love no one. Everything they do is a drag and a pain to them and they want to push their work on someone else all the time. They don't care about anything except money and how to get more attention and keep pretenses. They have no true friends or care for anyone. All they have is work, rules and roles they need to act. Their lives are meaningless. Even though they have money they cannot travel or use it for fun or joy. They don't think anyone should be free to do as they want. They have no dignity or honor but pretend they do when in company. They yell but pretend they're victims for 'having to yell'.

They don't care if someone wants to die because of their actions. They don't care for anyone who wants to live differently. People who live differently are worthless and stupid to them. They think they're the only ones who are always right even when they're always wrong.

Adults are convinced that when I grow up this will all make sense and I will grow up to be exactly like them

If you felt as a child, or still do, that these are the truths of adulthood, and something you'll end up becoming, it's not true, and it's mostly just abusers who live their lives in this manner. If this is the only thing you've ever known and seen as a child, adulthood would be terrifying and feel like you'd have to lose your soul in order to become like this.

I'll write another follow-up debunking these and writing what I feel adulthood is right now. It's just definitely not that. And living around people who act like this is normal, is traumatic.

#growing up in abuse #traumatic childhood #perceived notions about growing up #adulthood myths #myths of adulthood from a mind of an abused kid #child abuse #abusive adults #abusers making themselves seem like the norm #growing up in narcissistic household #the empty space in the middle is just so tumblr would let me post #apparently there's a character limit per block #and all of my bullet points were just making one block #the limit is 4096 characters btw

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teeny-tiny-revenge · 6 months

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No, but they'll be complimenting each other so well going on. One of Ed's big problems is that he just gives up so easily. Plan with the fog failed? We're going to die; I'm gonna get drunk while waiting for death. The fishing isn't going so well? Obviously he's not meant to fish. It's like Ed's spent his entire adult life being really really good at stuff (sailing, piracy, etc) that he's completely unused to failure and doesn't know how to go on from it. But that's an important thing to learn, and in a way it's a joyful thing to learn, too. You can try something and it can go wrong and you suck at it and then you can try again and learn from your mistakes and get better (either at the thing or at failure).

Meanwhile Stede is absolutely amazing at this. He says it himself, he's been a failure all his life, he got used to it. Stede doesn't give up. That's probably his biggest strength IMO. Stede is tenacious as fuck. Something went wrong? The cards are stacked against him? Whatever! He wants to do the thing, he's committed and determined, he's going to do the fucking thing if it fucking kills him. Stede is not going to let Ed give up whenever he gets discouraged. He'll be there to pull him back to his feet and they will try again.

And one of Stede's big problems is that he doesn't think anyone admires him and likes him. Meanwhile Ed has thought Stede is the coolest guy on Earth since meeting him! He's probably the only person to ever think that. Other characters grow to like Stede for some of his qualities, he has a huge impact on everyone around him, but he doesn't see that, and nobody genuinely admires all the quirky Stedeisms about him. Nobody except Ed. Ed thinks the library is awesome. Ed thinks the secret closet full of fancy clothes is the coolest shit he's ever seen. Ed loves Stede prioritising marmalade over gunpowder. Ed loves Stede being extra and bitchy and a complete lunatic.

And they're both seeing it now. They are already complimenting each other like this by the end of season two. Ed gives up on fishing, but it was never actually about fishing anyway. He doesn't give up about Stede and their relationship. He digs out his leathers and goes back into the very fray he's been dying to leave, because he's not giving up about Stede, he's going to fight for him. That's kinda the first time we actually see Ed choose to fight for something? All his ofher fights and violence are reacting to threats to his own person. One way or another, pretty much everything we see Ed do as Blackbeard is him either trying to protect himself, or to actively make someone else kill him. He chooses to live in the gravy basket mermaid scene, but he keeps running from problems after. He keeps running from Stede. And then he turns around and doesn't give up and goes to save his boyfriend and his relationship. It looks hopeless! The odds look terrible! But Ed's going to fight for it anyway, and look, he succeeds! And Stede is waiting for him, Stede knows Ed loves him, Stede doesn't doubt Ed.

And Stede is so desperate for people to think he's cool it makes him stupid and makes him make an ass of himself, but his crazy plan works, and this time when he's recounting his cool adventure Ed is sitting right next to him, all starry eyed and admiring and saying "yeah, it was cool, babe, I saw that". Saying "I see you". Ed's beginning to understand Stede needs to be told how cool Ed thinks he is, and Stede's starting to hear it.

They're going to be okay, guys. They're going to be happy. :)

#ofmd #ofmd meta #ed teach #stede bonnet #teeny rambles #s2 ep8 #ofmd season 2

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teddie-bear420 · 28 days

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Swap Au!! I call it “cold hazbin hotel”

Emily moonstone wants to redeem sinners and get to heaven with the help of her butler lute!

Lots of doodles and ramblings under the cut,

if you have any input or jokes or questions send them to me!!

So this swap starts at the very beginning! Lucifer is a big goodie two shoes who doesn’t express his real feelings and is kinda just heavens doormat. Sera on the other hand is driven by fairness and when she sees Adam mistreating Lilith she intervenes. This gets her sent down to hell with Lilith and they start ruling hell with all the sinners. At some point both Lilith and sera stop caring about the state of hell and the sinners establish the overlords that rule territory’s and all that. Around the time that Emily is born sinners like alastor and husk are well established overlords.

Back in heaven, corruption spreads to leadership and Lucifer (as head archangel) kinda just lets it happen. He still runs the show but he doesn’t stand up for what he believes in anymore. Very weak man, thin wrists… dainty even. Adam is still the general of the Exorcist army and nobody holds any one accountable in heaven and the requirements to get into heaven are raised to in unachievable amount!

Sera and Emily are very close, they talk almost everyday, when Emily starts to grow into an adult sera kinda panics and strains the relationship (Emily’s got mommy issues). Emily’s time spent in sin city leads her to starting the hotel with the Dino chick to hinder the overpopulation in hell (jk she just really wants to see heaven)

So Emily is the heir to a stolen kingdom

Lucifer still has Charlie in heaven and she fills Emily’s role of keeping everyone happy. In this swap he shelters Charlie for any hardships or even having her work for anything, so Charlie is a nepotism baby (in the normal show Charlie went no contact with her dad and built the hotel ground up) her job is to keep everyone joyful!

Charlie is ignorant to the horrors

Vaggie and lute are a little harder to explain cuz I still have no real idea how to approach making lute a sinner cuz uhh.. she already is one. I do know I wanna keep her antennae bangs…Pink to blue….Bug motif…Transition allegory?? You decide

Lute will probably have butler butch vibes, she’s very servant like

But! I see vaggie getting to second in command and becoming a beast. The most ruthless demon slayer ever man, she fights the biggest demons she can find just for the fun of it. She still bulks up (you can take buff vaggie from my cold dead hands)!! She is assigned to protect the arch angel Charlie from quote…

“naughty individuals” -Lucifer (he means Adam)

Their dynamic is very silly, vaggie has to keep Charlie safe from things like assassins, perverts, technology and a goose. We all know that lute struck vaggie down cuz she was gay right? Well that still happens, but vaggie wins the fight (also being egged on by Adam) and ever since she’s looked for a fight so bad she ends up joining lute (warriors bond and all that)

EMILY IS A LAWYER HAHAHAHAHHA AND A BUTCH

Basically she wants to change the heaven standard the lawful way (sera was a court judge after all) think musicals like legally blond, that one Hamilton song, and the death note musical.

She and Charlie get along well enough, it does gag Emily when she finds out that Charlie doesn’t know what a minimum wage job is.

Ok so the main cast gets swapped with the over lords as you can see, the overlords I chose now look much younger, tho carmilla and Rosie are my milfs forever. Velvet is now an intern trying to get out of hell (she hates the heat) vox is now kinda just an obsessive fan boy, carmilla wants to go to heaven to see her daughters again. That Dino chick is the first guest, Emily wants to tame her inner fire (girl style)

Emily has always wanted to see the garden of Eden, so when she comes up with a way to redeem sinners she hopes to visit heaven with them! I’m gonna doodle around with her demon bits,

THATS IT FOR NOW

Will maybe post more

#teddz stuff #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel lute #charlie morningstar #vaggie #hazbin hotel emily #charlie x vaggie #lute x emily #swap au #cold hazbin hotel

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with-my-murder-flute · 2 years

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Gideon Nav and the motherless child

(A post I promised at Wiscon in May that I'd write, and am finally getting around to.)

Gideon does not come off as a severely abused and neglected child, and I think there's a reason for that.

Both she and Harrow have full on The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog-calibre childhoods. Harrow acts more like it, from her extremely low thresholds for sensory overstimulation to her entire social... everything. Those are all things kids raised in neglect are way more likely to deal with.

When I first read GtN I was in my habitual "Look self, not everyone works in your field, SFF authors give their characters these kinds of horrible childhoods all the time, nobody else cares about the realistic consequences of bringing a child up that way" mode. Like, it was nice that Muir seemed aware that the Ninth House's children generally would be more sickly and have higher fatality rates, but I also didn't want Gideon to be one speck less herself, so I could live with the slight implausibility.

And then we got Harrow the Ninth. We got the slow revelation of the Sleeper. The revenant. Wake's immense rage.

"I hated that damned sword for years. I don’t know why; it just felt strange—rancorous."

"Where the hell have you been hiding for nineteen years?” “Where—you—fucking—left—me. In my bones. Then a blade. In—that—fucking—hole.”

I immediately remembered: Gideon loved her sword so much she could frigging marry it.

Here's my theory: Gideon is Gideon in part because her mother has been haunting her for years.

Children need love if they're going to grow up. I don't mean that metaphorically. Babies that aren't held, rocked, touched, and soothed don't release the same mix of hormones that tell their bones it's time to move outwards. The steady attachment of baby to the adult who takes care of them is the central pillar around which children construct everything from control of their faculties to their senses of self. When babies are not cared for and able to attach to loving, reliable caretakers, they struggle in so many ways. I know this sounds really vague and ~vibes~-y, but I mean it in the sense of, "here is a curated reading list of scientific research on the topic, which I provide because I can't condense it while also shouting about Griddlehark on Tumblr"

So in GtN, Gideon just seemed like this ridiculously optimistic outcome for a severely maltreated child. She's optimistic and self-confident, brazen but moral, outgoing but centred. She's smart enough to hold her own against Harrow, to make complicated plans for the future, and to cope when her plans encounter hiccups. She knows that she wants to leave the Ninth House, and when she finally manages it, she doesn't panic or find some new miserable hole to shove herself into; she gleefully steps out and stretches her wings. And yet, her less-than-stellar relationships with people back home don't prevent her (in any way other than a little shyness) from forming new, varied, complicated connections with all the different people at Canaan House.

That's all... like, it is wildly optimistic to think that a child whose closest adult attachment figure from twelve months old was as distant and limited as Aiglamene would be like. That is winning the child development lottery.

That, or...

Maybe when she was seven, and her biggest emotional attachment (besides Harrow) was to the imaginary skeleton mother in her head, Aiglamene broke it to her that her mother wasn't out in rotation yet. Maybe Aiglamene led her to the niche where Wake's bones lay. Maybe when Aiglamene left, Gideon sat down there and said, Hello, mother. I love you.

Maybe it was then? Or maybe it was before? As a revenant, Wake's closest link to the living world was her own body, her own bones. But she also had thanergetic links with things like her murder weapon. Her murderer. The baby she'd died delivering to the Tomb. That made it possible before, certainly, but physical proximity counts for something, so maybe it was then, that Wake first tried possessing a living soul.

Wake whispering tiny inaudible suggestions into her daughter's ear like: Fuck this place. Fuck these bones. Light this place on fire. They don't own you. You don't owe them shit. Get up, get out, escape. Blow this place apart. Fight, defy them, make them pay, and remember that ten thousand years of history brought you here to stand against them. Here is what it's like to be a human being, to throw your shoulders back, to fight with people you trust, to gauge your enemies clearly, to know the power you punch with. And if there are no other standing orders: Live. Live. Live.

You cannot tell me Gideon's first act upon receiving a real sword, a soldier's sword, was not to take it down to her mother's niche and show it off. It was probably like offering her an open backpack to hop into.

Maybe all Wake's "mothering" was just her trying with singleminded rage to program instructions for detonation into her bomb. Even still: At least Gideon had a mum who wanted her to be as explosive as she was, and backed her up for every step of it.

Harrow didn't even get that much.

#the locked tomb #child abuse tw #child neglect tw #gideon nav #htn spoilers #commander wake

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 month

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WIBTA for moving out?

Setting the scene: I live with my partner and their family. We live with their parent and grandparent who has dementia.

Grandparent has to have somebody home with them at all times. Me, my partner, and their parent have convenient work shifts so someone is able to be there.

Because of this, as far as social life goes, we're all missing out. My partner and I hardly go on dates anymore and we're unable to hang out at home without grandparent knocking every 15 minutes or less.

I moved in after having my own apartment because I wanted to be closer to my partner and I was here most of the time anyway. However I am growing more and more unsettled by my now lack of freedom- I have to make sure everyone knows when I make plans just in case they also have something going on; I can't just make impromptu plans like I could at my own place. I can't even make a Hot Pocket at 2 in the morning because I might wake up my partner's parent and anger them.

The house is disgusting & filthy and no matter how much I clean it it gets trashed again. My partner gets frustrated with me over my discomfort with the hygiene issues here- nobody else will clean anything unless there's a guest so nothing gets done.

So because of the filth and lack of freedom as a young adult in their 20s I'm considering moving back into my parent's house. They have a spare room in their basement with a ramp up to the outside so I can come/go as I please and they have a baseline cleanliness that they adhere to.

I understand that this will make my partner and their parent's life harder but I cannot take this anymore. My mental health is suffering badly. Parent also has 4 siblings + their spouses that can help with grandparent and I believe that they have more of a responsibility than I do as their grandchild's partner.

So WIBTA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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direjoon · 3 months

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METANOIA [1]

✩ pairing: hybrid nj x hybrid reader (f) - eventual ot7 x reader

✩ genre: soul-searching , romance🔞 , found-family , healing , angst , happy ending

✩ word count: 4.4k

✩ chapter warnings: mention of murder , uncertainty in behavior and emotions , 'pups' used as an overall label - children and breeds will be specified when important. (none of the mcs are parents)

✩ summary: She doesn't know. There is so much about her and her cheetah that she hasn't had the privilege to understand. Unknown backgrounds and unknown emotions clash with feelings of want- hopes of being herself unapologetically. Namjoon seems to be someone that can help her- but can the rest of his pack truly be what she has wanted and needed?

✩ cover: me

ch.1 , ch.2 , ...

✩ disclaimer: this is an opening chapter to the story. backgrounds and personality for the fmc are vague on purpose. You will go on this journey with her. The importance of events and scenarios will be later brought back up. Not everything is as it seems.

Y/N - Unknown Time

Nobody really prepares you to kill someone. Not everyone will have a mentor that teaches you where to stab, where to shoot, where and how tight you need to push to crush a windpipe. But, sometimes you do get taught- unknowingly at least. You know skin is thin under a sharp knife, putting you much closer to vital organs than you would think. You know, at least, that you need air and blood to live- but, you also know you can take it. You can rid the body of its most vital necessities.

As Y/N stands over the lifeless body of her once guardian- her now very dead guardian- she realizes that nothing could’ve prepared her for how easy it was.

Kim Namjoon - Present Day

“There was a new case over the weekend Namjoon, we think you’d be great to be the first volunteer if you’d like.”

Zade hands Namjoon a manilla envelope over the lifted counter that looms over the ‘Resource’ front desk.

“I’ll take a look over it while I change. Would I need to do multiple stops today with the other kids on the list?” Namjoon tucks the envelope under his arm as he jots down his info into the volunteer sheet laid out for the day. A surprisingly long list of volunteer’s names gives him a little pep.

“We actually have more volunteers than necessary, so the foster homes are double stacked today. You just have this one as a priority if you’re up for it- oh and this one is a little…special. I mean- they all are, but this one isn’t as young as you’re used to, so the boss told me to tell you to really read it over and consider it.”

“Alright, thank you for letting me know. I’ll let you know in a bit.”

The locker room is just slightly warmer than usual, evidence that multiple bodies have been in and out of the small space far more frequently than normal.

He has no issue with it, if anything he’s excited to think of everyone getting the attention they need today, especially the younger kids that always look forward to young adults spending time with them. The foster homes have other kids, but the age range isn’t as large as one would hope in an adjusting environment. The young pups always need a variety of species and ages when they’re growing, especially when they don’t have a specified pack to normally grow with.

Namjoon feels extremely lucky to have as large of a pack as he does, love circulating within a seven member pack is truly limitless- growing his need to give back to others with care and time. Especially the little pups that are sadly without a pack. He’s never done any volunteer work with anyone older than 18, and even then, the ones over 15 were too busy working when they wanted to or going to school during the day- so the time spent together was minimal. The younger pups always get the most attention, especially because those are the cards the organization is dealt. When pups become of age, they can choose to further their education, with funding help, or they can work until they figure out what they want to do, also being provided resources to find hybrid-friendly employers. If this case is older than usual, he’s curious to see just what could be the reason.

Namjoon changes from his personal clothes into scent-less volunteer clothes. The simple t-shirt, jacket, and jeans allow for the homes to not be crowded with scents from a pack, but to allow the volunteer’s scent to be memorized and clear. He changes before he even decides on the case, knowing in his heart that if the case is in the organization’s hands they must need this adjustment and type of therapy in some type of way- making him the person that can help. He’ll always help when he has the chance.

The manilla envelope is sealed with the customary buttons and string wrapped around to keep the paper in and harder to access than a normal folder. The direction of the string confuses Namjoon only a couple of times before he finally gets the papers out.

Name: Y/N L/N Sex: Female Age: 25 Birth Date: N/A

Blood Type: N/A Breed: Cheetah

Immediate Reason for Admittance: Found resting under ‘Hope Bridge’ by a volunteer off-duty.

Known Background: Parents unknown - Family unknown - Home unknown - Reason for lack of living needs unknown.

Assigned Residence: Caddel Household - Maria Caddel, Richard Caddel - Under file for 4 months - 1450 Madison Lane, Tree County.

Notes: Made by Dr. Selena Castillo

‘Patient admitted without any resistance but shows signs of skittish behaviors. Patient seems to be unused to hybrid counterparts and interactions. Expedited tests still under review for any diagnosis / allergies, but immediate tests show no illness or disease. Slight chill and stuffy nose were only signs of sickness, specific medication given with no sign of allergy. No known vaccinations since birth, first round given to patient - 07/15/23 - day of admittance. Vaccinations may cause patience uncomfort and slight sickness as the adjustment period for vaccines is unknown for their body. Next vaccines needed after - 12/15/23. To be updated accordingly.’

Volunteers must be aware of body language of patient and person at all times - slow adjustment needed - report all incidents to the organization the day of.

Namjoon reads the paper over four or five times to get a really good grasp of who Y/N is, but nothing can prepare him thoroughly for this one- not even the notes know anything, no one has gotten any answers. He thinks of the work that he’s done previously, the pups he’s met and the difference in all of them but the basic underlyings that come with being a young hybrid. If Y/N is unused to hybrid counterparts, there is a chance that he can approach this with the same speed and attentive micro-expressions.

He thinks and thinks, but nothing in him points to ‘no’, so he stuffs the papers back into the envelope and locks his stuff away in his personal locker before heading to the front desk. Zade and his adorable bunny ears perk up as Namjoon walks back towards the desk- reminding Namjoon of his little bunny at home that he misses so much.

“So?” Zade asks, hopeful look in his eyes that also reminds him of his Jungkookie- it must be a bunny thing, because truly it is insane how similar they are in mannerisms.

“Of course I’ll go.” Namjoon gives with a smile, “Can I get some extra note papers? I’ll make sure to take a lot even if we don’t get to anything drastic today. There aren't too many behavior specifics so I’d like to add to them.”

Zade fishes some papers in the top drawer of a file cabinet without a question.

“Mila also wanted me to remind you to keep your phone on vibrate- they seem to have no knowledge of devices either, so sudden loud noises might be a trigger.”

“Of course boss, don’t worry. I’ll message you when I get to the residence.”

He loves this county. It was the main reason he decided to search and wait for a large enough home for his pack here. The name is spot on. A variety of large trees allow their branches and leaves to billow over home yards by fours and fives, allowing sun to peek through while still providing shade for cool leisure in the hot seasons. It smells perfectly no matter where you are. The lawns are plush and soft despite the variety of species growing. It’s perfect really. And he finds it quite nice that Y/N has a place like this to enjoy nature in times of need.

He passes his own street to get to the street where the residence is, a medium, dark blue house that has two trees in the front yard alone- the type has flaccid branches that seem to have dew drop leaves that rain down the branches and block the front of the house beautifully.

He wastes no time organizing his papers into the jockey box and changing both his personal phone and work phone to vibrate after sending a quick message to Zade. He grabs the paper bag of goodies he picked up before he made it to his destination then hurries out of his car.

The path to the front door is paved with an array of colorful rocks that also take Namjoon’s attention, admiring the details of the land. The off-white door had a glass pane design at the top, a bloomed flower.

He gives a few light knocks to let the owners know that the company outside their door isn’t just a rushed mail man or delivery driver. It doesn’t take long for a kind looking woman to open the door with a smile.

“Hello?”

“Hi, my name is Namjoon, I’m a volunteer with the hybrid re-homing organization. I’m here for the ‘recommended time with hybrid’ adjustment.” Namjoon gives his signature smile with dimples, his second ears twitching to make out the sounds coming from inside the home out of habit.

“Oh! Of course, I apologize, I wasn’t paying attention to the time. Come in, come in. There’s slippers for you right here.” Namjoon slips out of his simple dunks, noting the clean array of shoes and the clean foyer of the house. “Y/N’s just out back, she has been out there almost all times of the day since she got here.”

“It’s a beautiful neighborhood, I can see why. By the way, do you know what type of tree you have out front? They’re gorgeous.”

“Willows. Richard wants to cut them down because he hates cleaning up the leaves in Autumn, but I love them too much- plus it gets too hot and even he finds himself using their shade in the Summer.”

“I think keeping them would be lovely-” Namjoon finds the homeowner already heading towards sliding glass doors, “Mrs.Caddel-”

“Just Maria is fine, sweety.”

“Maria, I think it’s best that I start the meeting with those she’s familiar with, but once we get things going I’ll suggest verbally and obviously what my plans are, just so everything is clear for her and you guys. Is there anything I should be aware of before we head out? Like changes in behavior since she arrived, or triggers that you guys have noticed?”

“Oh, um not really, actually. She isn’t too talkative, she doesn’t initiate conversation easily at all and she’s not been reactive to anything specifically. She doesn’t like loud noises though, and doesn’t care to answer all questions. But, she’s friendly and considerate even if she doesn’t know it or acknowledge it for what it is. I think praise is great in those times.”

Namjoon is glad Y/N has someone so attentive to her unknown personality and needs.

“That’s perfect, thank you. We should be good to go then. If you can introduce me yourself that would be great.” Namjoon’s smile lights up at her assured nod and continuance to the sliding doors.

The backyard is a mirrored image of the front lawn but with more trees and a pretty, small garden that looks well-tended to. Even a large, above ground pool sits in the unshaded area of the yard, practically perfectly in the middle of the yard.

“Y/N?” Maria asks loud enough for the whole yard to hear, but not loud enough to startle her. “We have a guest if you’re up to meet them, sweety.”

Namjoon’s hearing can pinpoint in the yard where she’s at but he pays attention to the rest of the yard as not to look expectant for anything.

He looks at the specific shade of stain on the fence as he sees little golden ears and the top of a head of dark brown hair that peeks around one of the larger trees. The dark, long, curly hair cascades off her shoulder. Namjoon only lets the bare details reach his conscience from the corner of his eyes as she still seems to be assessing him.

“Ah, there she is.” Maria says with a smile as Y/N makes her way towards them at a leisurely pace. Namjoon still keeps his eyes on the horizon even if she’s at the perfect distance to assess. The only detail that he can point out at the moment is her gold and black tail, not waving or wrapped around herself in comfort, but dragging along the ground behind her as if she’s forgotten it. His heart clenches at the realization. She stops at a distance that seems cautious, but shows comfort with her guardian.

“Y/N, this is Namjoon, he’s with the re-homing organization.” Namjoon finally meets her eyes to find her gaze locked on his ears, then moves to roam his features without hesitance. “He’s a…I’m sorry dear, I didn’t get your species or breed.”

“Wolf, Alexander Archipelago, to be exact.”

“How precious, Namjoon meet Y/N.”

Her eyes finally meet his, but they don’t tell Namjoon anything about how she feels or what she thinks of him and his wolf. His smile grows at her curiosity, though.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Y/N. I’m sorry I didn’t know specifics- and I’m sorry to assume- but I brought some treats if you guys would prefer to sit down and talk?” Namjoon holds up the bag, giving it a little wave and his precious dimples for convincing.

Y/N meets Maria’s soft, asking gaze and nods once before heading for the picnic table on her own to plop down. Maria gives him a discreet smile before waving him on to join. Before he sits opposite to the two, he pulls out a 6-pack of individual lemonades, pre-cut watermelon, pineapple, and cucumbers.

“I tried for stuff that suits the weather and wouldn’t be too hard on the stomach. And- like I said- I didn’t want to assume, but one of the cheetahs I know loves watermelon, so I thought I’d try that at least.”

Namjoon looks at them as he speaks, noting the pick up Y/N seems to slightly show at the mention of the watermelon and then again at the mention of another cheetah. This is the best way he could think of introducing himself. He always acts as himself, open and chipper, but gifts are even better. They’re memorable, even if it’s just a breed’s favorite food, a soft blanket or slippers, or a toy for the pups.

Respectful comfort is also very important when in another person’s space. Showing that you open the things you got them to hand out and to talk in times of silence shows your want to be there and the excitement you have of being in their presence. Namjoon opens the bowls of finger food and even breaks the seals on the lemonades for convenience before setting them in front of them on the table.

“Thank you, Namjoon.” Maria points out after he finally sits and grabs a piece of pineapple to pop into his mouth.

“Of course, have as much as you’d like, it’s yours to keep if we don’t finish anything.”

Y/N - Present Day

He’s too kind. Too smiley. Too…perfect.

“Of course, have as much as you’d like…” She’s never seen anyone like him. Pretty and nice. It’s never both, but- here is the first wolf she’s ever seen with the most perfect smile and manners. To be fair, she can’t compare him to all hybrids- she’s never been around them before- at least, she doesn’t remember.

The opened watermelon takes her attention over the quiet talking between Maria and Namjoon. She truly doesn’t care about the conversation when it’s tempting her so badly. She’s extremely obvious, she knows it- but when Namjoon pushes the bowl discreetly towards her she can’t help but feel a bit embarrassed.

She takes a piece, nonetheless, sniffing the sweet aroma from the juice before popping the whole thing in her mouth at once. The taste is perfect, the piece is sweet, yet cold and crunchy. The juice explodes as she bites.

“Mmph-” The sound leaves her with no warning. She looks up from under her eyelashes at the new stranger, ears twitching to hear any change in his attitude upon bringing more attention to the sound. But- he doesn’t bring attention to it, only gives her another pretty smile and goes to take a drink of his lemonade. She’s never tried lemonade. She puts her attention on that, opening the bottle instead of daring to look at Namjoon’s exposed neck. She takes a small tentative sip, worried about how strong the citrusy smell is to her nose.

“Oh my god.”

“Good, right?” Namjoon asks suddenly. She looks up at him, her own expression in awe. She can only nod as she takes a greedy gulp. “These are my favorite, I keep a ton of packs in stock at home.” Home. She can’t help but suppress a shudder at the word despite the mood being good. She pushes through though- determined to give something back since he’s been so nice.

“I’ve never had lemonade before.” She gives just above a whisper, “I don’t like lemons, I didn’t know they could taste like this.” It wasn’t supposed to be funny, but she shocks a little when Namjoon giggles- actually giggles- at what she said.

“Yeah, I had that problem starting highschool, that was when I finally had a school lunch for the first time. Sadly, that was not as pleasant as this.” Maria laughs, but Y/N can only give a small smile because she doesn’t know if the food would be bad. She’s not that picky but she didn’t even get to go to school or have their lunches, so she can only imagine the type of food that Maria teaches her to make.

“Do you have more favorite foods?” Y/N asks quietly, curious, having to shove some curls out of her face to beat the sweat building on her forehead despite the love of the warmth. She shoves down the need to wipe the sweat just out of self-conscious habits. Everyone sweats, it’s hot- but, Namjoon looks perfect, and she somehow can’t get past that part.

“Mmm-” His face contorts to show another expression she has never seen, a thinking face that scrunches up cutely. She looks away again and pops some more watermelon pieces into her mouth just so she doesn’t have to think too much about it. “I’m more of a beverage person, but I’ll eat literally anything my hyung makes- he’s great at cooking. Do you have any preferences?”

Y/N barely has to think, the first word pulls itself out without warning.

“Watermelon.”

The prettiest smile she’s ever seen blooms on his face, one that hasn’t shown up yet. It’s the best one.

“Fair enough.”

The snacks go by quickly with small answers and more distraction-aimed looks that stray away from Namjoon and lock onto the table under her crossed arms. It isn’t like the other days when she just feels like an empty-promised burden- this silence is formed out of uncomfortable, new feelings.

Being this close to another hybrid- another prey hybrid that drives, has a job, and an education- is daunting. She feels like a foreigner to him in a way that can’t be described. Part of her wants to ask question after question while the other just wants to never see someone so perfect and put-together again to gain a semblance of pride.

Her name from Namoon’s lips pulls her out of the thoughts.

“Y/N, this yard is lovely, has great sun and shade- do you have a favorite spot?”

He’d like to see her spot? That thought makes her ears perk up, an exciting nod giving Namjoon the answer. She’d love to show him her spot- she doesn’t know what that tells about herself- but she knows Namjoon would understand to some extent why her spot means so much to her. Having Namjoon in her spot sounds nice as well.

“Could I see it? I’d love to see more of the yard.” It’s a hopeful smile, that much Y/N can tell. Nods are the only answer she can muster at this point, looking over at Maria to gauge her reaction.

“Go ahead sweety, I’ll clean up and get dinner started for Rich’.”

“Okay.”

That seemed to be the only queue everyone needed to disperse. Namjoon stands to let her lead the way with a small wave.

Her favorite spot isn’t special, now that she thinks about it. It’s not a cozy spot to everyone, but to her it’s perfect. That should be all that matters, but why is she questioning it so much?

The specific tree closes in on them faster than she was prepared, going around it to stand on the side that faces the wooden fence. She turns to look at the tree and smiles- everytime she’s near it there is the slightest fuzzy feeling that she just can’t place. It’s larger than the width of their bodies together, wide enough for a whole other person of Namjoon’s muscly size to get close to the width of the tree. Its leaves create the perfect shade, but the best part is how climb-able it is. She usually climbs and perches perfectly into an indent that seems like it was made for her.

“It’s massive- you like to sit at the trunk?”

“No, uh-” She points up to the indent, a visible thing only to her mind.

“Ooh, yeah, despite me being a predator I am actually a horrid climber.”

The laugh rips from her before she can stop it. She slaps a hand over her mouth just over the fact that she really didn’t mean to laugh at him at what could be an insecurity. She looks over to him- nothing but an open-mouthed smile of disbelief.

“Look at you! Not all of us could be as nimble as the felines. There’s been more times than I can count that I had no problem going up, and even less problems coming down- at a very fast rate.” He laughs at himself, drawing even more giggles from Y/N.

“We can sit at the trunk if you’d like.” She offers, then backtracks, “Well- if you’d like to er- if you’re staying longer?” Namjoon sits halfway through her rambling, patting the grass next to him as he leans his back against the trunk to look up at the sun filtering through the leaves.

“I can stay as long as you’d like me to- or at latest until 6PM, that’s the limit for the volunteers.” Y/N sits as he answers, pulling her knees up to her chest to lay her cheek on when she asks another question.

“Do you volunteer often?”

“I try to do it five times a week, on the weekdays usually.” Namjoon closes his eyes to feel the breeze pick up.

“That’s- a lot.”

“I love it. A lot of the time it’s little pups that just need someone to really take the time to learn about them and be their friends. Every hybrid deserves a chance to have someone like that. I like to be there for them.”

She can only observe him in awe- his serene expression, the lightness in his aura that seems to want to push and push his calmness onto her. She doesn’t feel the way she felt when she first met Maria and Richard. She’s never met anyone and felt this- this instant connection of sorts that links them. Whether it’s because he’s the first hybrid she’s met, or he’s just that attractive, she can’t help feeling okay with him.

“Do you- do you know about me? About- about why I’m here?” He opens his eyes to look over at her, gauging her expression.

“Not exactly, not-” He positions himself to sit up straighter and keep his head level as he looks at her. “I don’t know your story, I don’t know what you struggle with or what exactly you would like to talk about or seek out. But, we’re transparent at the organization. We get notes from the doctors and suggestions for how to approach someone we’re meeting for the first time. But- honestly- you haven’t told your story yet, so- No, I don’t know you.”

His words sink in, letting Y/N think about what to do or say. She’s never had this before- but- she’s not ready to reveal everything, not now.

“Will you come back? Here. Even if you don’t know me.”

“I’d like to, If you want me to. That’s why I do this- to give every hybrid I can the chance to have someone that cares. Even in times of unknown.” Namjoon says, his open gaze not leaving hers.

“I have never met someone like us before- or, I don’t remember if I have.” She shifts uncomfortably under his gaze, looking up at the trees instead. “I want to learn about me, about us. I don’t know why I do certain things or have certain feelings. I don’t even know how to take care of myself properly and- and Maria, she tries, but she barely knows anything-” She stops. She can’t just ask him these things, she can’t beg for information if he doesn’t want to give it, especially if it’s personal. What if this is all too personal?

“You can ask me anything, Y/N.”

Namjoon answers her without getting any final question. He understands. Everything about him feels sincere. Everything feels as simple as the breeze with him. Why is it this easy with him?

“Then I’d like you to.”

Namjoon’s ears twitch to show he’s questioning what she means despite his expression not changing.

“I’d like you to come back.”

Namjoon’s thick, black tail thumps a few times into the soft, plush-feeling grass. For the first time she actually notices it, the black hair that is well groomed unlike her own. It moves with him, it’s a part of him, through and through. She doesn’t know the first part of being anything like him, a hybrid. All she knows is her human half- she wants to know more. She wants to be both, she doesn’t want to ache for the other part of her any longer.

#bts au #bts fic #bts hybrid au #bts hybrid x reader #bts hybrid fic #namjoon x reader #namjoon au #bts x reader #bts x you #bts x y/n #bts x fem!reader

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rthko · 1 year

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People on this site keep talking about how social media has become more prudish and anti-sex, but I kinda wonder if that's just because you're sharing space with 15 year olds? Like do you think adults are actually anti kink and anti sex in movies etc, or are there just a bunch of (understandably) squeamish teenagers with a platform who will probably grow out of it?

I think about this a lot and have a few converging theories.

-Like you said, teenagers. Being squeamish about sex as a teenager is normal, but excessively projecting that outward instead of treating it as a "me problem" is abnormal. I think a lot of this comes down to the state of online behavior and the factors that shaped it.

-Internet moderation. The crackdown on sex work, nudity, or even in TikTok's case swearing, to appease advertisers. Tumblr's porn ban the most notorious example, and it caused a lot of people to migrate their discourse from a blogging platform with hyperlinks and no character limits to 140 character tweets and one minute videos.

-Everyone is radical and nobody is. ACAB is just a catchy slogan, every corporate PR department has something to say about "uplifting BIPOC voices," and kids who love to tweet about how "Stonewall was a riot" will call the cops on you if you wear a harness. I'm being slightly hyperbolic, but I think much of today's radicalism comes down to aesthetics and branding. It requires no real examination of biases and mechanisms of control. You can dress up even downright reactionary takes in progressive language and be applauded for it.

-The noble cause of Me Too and its weird mutations. It's understandable. If you read about how women in film are treated, I can understand why you'd have reservations about sex scenes. Then again, this doesn't account for "it's gross" and "it doesn't advance the plot." I know we don't want to hear "has Me Too gone too far," and I don't believe that, but am I wrong to also wonder if people arguing about the "power dynamics" of couples in slightly different stages of their 20's are feeding into something sinister?

-Sex positivity is cringe now. So is polyamory, kink, or any non-normative relationships or pleasure. Couldn't tell you why, but I can tell you the internet is full of TERFs and other reactionaries and the joyless, gullible people who listen to them.

-Queer assimilation. This sounds like an oxymoron, but I think the label of "queer" is going through the same identity crisis now that "gay" went through first. We're seeing a new vision of queerness that is fluffy, neutered, de-clawed, and flying off the shelves. If you grew up with "love is love," you don't have to relate to the seedy counterculture of yesteryear, but you don't have to snub your nose at it either.

I do think some of these people will grow out of it. I did, at least. I want to say none of this matters, that it's just online behavior, but everyone is so online these days that it's hard to draw these lines. TERFs, for instance, are some of the most miserable, online people on the planet, yet their real-world impact is undeniable. So many right wing movements are driven by simple outrage and disgust. This has all been very gloomy, so if you want to talk solutions: live your life and live it loudly. Encourage people to live with a healthy amount of discomfort or mind their own business. Everyone talks about growing up like it's just about stress or responsibility, but growing up can also mean no longer caring about things that used to bother you. It's fun! Everyone ought to try it.

#for the love of god rthko just get a medium account

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isopod-lesbian · 1 year

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In 2015, I played Life is Strange; I was 17 years old, and hadn't quite realized I was a trans woman yet. For me back then, LiS was a fantasy more than anything; not because I wished I had Max's powers, but because I got to play as a young woman falling in love with her best friend. Even before I could articulate why, I felt this deep ache of longing for what could have been. By the end of that year, I had come out to myself and my friends, and I still credit LiS for helping me figure things out that way.

When I first played LiS, I felt like the "Bay" ending was the most appropriate for Max's story. If LiS is a game about growing up, then sacrificing Chloe is a hard but necessary choice to make, and I believed it was the right one. I never questioned the idea that good people will sacrifice their own happiness for the good of society, or for the people they love. So, when I began adulthood, I did so with purpose, but without passion. I did all the things I needed to do to survive and make it out into the world on my own, and I was miserable for most of the time.

When I came back to the LiS fandom in the past couple of years, I got a chance to re-examine my favorite game with a new perspective. I immersed myself in fanfic, I indulged my nostalgia, and I began to reinterpret this work that shaped me years before. I looked at the "Bae" ending especially with fresh eyes; I started seeing it not as a selfish decision, but an unselfish one, a choice made out of love for a girl who was let down by everyone who was supposed to care for her before. How cruel it was to imagine Chloe's story ending with her bleeding out in a bathroom, still thinking that nobody cared for her.

Now, I'm 25. I'm an adult in every sense of the word, and despite everything, it seems like my life is...kind of working out. I'm almost a year into HRT, I have a job that lets me live a reasonably nice life, and I'm planning on moving in with my girlfriend. When I started True Colors, I tried to temper my expectations, and hoped that my nostalgia for the past wouldn't inhibit my enjoyment of a new entry in the series. So, 6 years after the first, I played a Life is Strange game; and, for the second time, it showed me exactly what I needed to see.

If Life is Stange is a game about growing up, True Colors is a game about what happens after. It's a game about starting over, about finding a place to call home and people to call family. Where Max's powers let her find the perfect way to get what she wanted or say the right thing, Alex's powers ask her to understand the people around her. Where LiS holds the threat of the Storm over Max's head, Gabe's death in True Colors is just a tragedy that Alex has to process. LiS' central mystery comes down to an evil man doing evil things; True Colors' is the result of an entrenched capitalist machine that operates not out of malice, but out of sheer self-interest.

When I finished True Colors, I was confronted with a choice that felt like the polar opposite of LiS' ending. After all the excitement and emotion, the question posed to Alex first felt almost incidental. Nobody's life hung in the balance, neither choice carried any real emotional consequences, and there was no way of knowing what the ultimate results might be. But as I considered Gabe's vision for Alex, I was struck by how real it felt. How it felt like the choices I was already making in life, and the choices I know are yet to come in my future. I think 17-year-old me would have jumped at the idea of a life of adventure, traveling the country with the girl I love. But now, I can't help but think of how many chances we really get to find a home. I doubt it's a high number. So I chose to stay. And I can only hope that, whenever I'm given that choice in my life, I am brave enough to take a chance on whatever place I've found for myself.

#Life is Strange #True Colors #Shoutout to The Wrecking Collective #also yes this is my yearly text post #also nobody will be surprised that i romanced steph so i didn't even mention it LOL

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drealovesxenomorphs · 1 month

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Robot and Monster Appreciation Post because I said so...

For an upcoming project that I'm working on, I *had* to rewatch Robot and Monster, and I have too many feelings in my heart and too many thoughts in my head to function, so this is a bigass love letter to one of the most underrated Nicktoons shows.

[TL;DR: the show is funny, give it a chance.] Before I get into the meat of it all, I want to say that the show features a lot of physical humor (characters being crushed and blown up etc etc) as well as dry humor and japes. I like both nuance and point-and-laugh humor so this was made for me (or I was made for it), though I do want to warn you, the first 5/7 episodes are very corny, just like any other beginning to a cartoon. I do ask that you give the show a chance despite those moments, the lore doesn't get too deep until later in the series so it's all pretty straightforward if you don't pay close attention to the beginning episodes.

Anyway, I wanna talk about the characters now 'cause I love 'em to death.

💜MONSTER:

-Monster is my favorite because. The best.

-Whether explicitly stated or not, Monster is a himbo. Sweet towards others-literally everybody loves this big lug,-buddy gets hugs by complete strangers and so much love and and more hugs; though not too much, Monster is shown to be fairly strong and physically inclined; and we know Monster ain't that smart.... but that does lead me to my next part, and a personal headcannon that I feel very strongly about.

-OH MY GOODNES OKAY so we know that Monster's character is meant to be the dumb sweet dude that completely contrasts Robot and provided character balance and all that, but I swear man, the guy is just leading everyone on with that idea. So, when Robot messes up on an invention (which happens often,) Monster will try to say something supportive that ends up being a blunder that insults Robot, and we just chalk that up to it being nothing more than a blunder. I BELIEVE WITH MY WHOLE HEART that Monster is actually very cunning and witty and will get occasionally angry at Robot that this dude will actually use the misconception of his intelligence to strike Robot right in the heart. Monster is just too good at bullishitting that nobody can tell the insult was meant to happen. Good lord ❤‍🔥

-Gardener. Understands that love helps grow plants. Too good for this world.

-Has a security blanket from childhood. You're telling me this grown-ass adult STILL has the heart and understanding of sentimental value to hold onto a comfort item regardless of societal pressure to suck it up and forgo childlike tendencies? A whole character.

🧡Robot

-Robot strives to be a great inventor, wants the fame and all that, but I'll be honest with you, only Monster sees the best in Robot's abilities, and there is nothing more relatable than a character who has the entire universe against them.

-If there was ever one thing that bothered me about the inventing, it was the fact that this dude was making MACHINES. Would this classify as regular handcrafting that we humans do, or is Robot actually creating children? If Monster could bring the organic bacon tree to life, you cannot tell me that Robot Default was not creating fetuses of the mechanical variety. And this is where I burden you with a headcannon: I think that this is based on Robot's own upbringing: Robot wants to put all of the attention and love into the little machines and projects because this guy won't let his ruined and near-loveless childhood get in the way of a healthy and happy future generation. Wants to heal the inner child while making sure the newest generation gets all the love and support they need. Anyways great character 🙏

-Sorry, the inventing this has me hooked to an unreasonable degree... does this mean Robot has a huge understanding in mechanical biology, or does Robot just understand how things are made? Look, this show was built on the bases of wanting to incorporate all the fun ideas that come to mind without giving any rhyme and reason, and I truly think that this is beneficial to the imaginations and mental stimulation of young'uns. But regardless, if that's the case, Robot would probably be regarded as a medicinal herbalist in our society (or maybe a chiropractor.)

-Arch-rivals with another scientist named Lucy, and this dude cannot catch a break on civilians that hate him. However, these meetings show us the depths of Robot's morality, and in the end (though pushed to do the right thing by Monster,) the well-being of another person is always chosen. Lawful-evil critter :D

-Already established that the Defaults are horrible to the baby of the family, but guess who Robot works for? That's right, Robot and Monster work for the Default Family Business, and I am near POSITIVE that they only receive minimum wage.

-Robot takes a lot of damage, and I assume if the heart is still beating in his chest, then everything is A-okay. Love a character that can take fall damage like a bug 💕

-Oh yeah, and despite the ego and sarcasm, Robot could have ended up being a snob and stuck-up just like the rest of the fam, but tries not to be. Robot keeps it real 99%, and I can respect that.

-One last thing that probably goes against all the good things I just talked about, I'm pretty sure that when Robot couldn't seem to make Monster feel happy again, he was literally going to kill a dude. Robot was going to make Perry disappear so Monster could be happy again. I shouldn't be this happy about the situation, but Robot's a true homie omg.

🤍Ogo

-Mentioning this Mofo at all will either be the catalyst to get you to watch the show, or deter you from it. Regardless, I am giving you the straight up facts, and if you think you won't like this kind of character, then I promise you won't. However, if you appreciate a little spice in a cartoon, then Ogo's got PLENTY to offer.

-Mega ultra horrible creep. Neighbor that knows everything about Robot and Monster. Slimy. You could consider him a yandere. Had the show been more popular, probably would be the fan favorite. Has that creeplord rizz.

-The first ever gaslight gatekeep girlboss. This SOB is manipulative. Will keep the darkest of secrets. But radiates the purest of girlboss energy. I can't explain it. It's just Ogo.

-Apparently accidentally leaves stains on their stuff, you know, when Ogo is breaking and entering into their home. What kind of stains is never mentioned, but even Ogo thinks it's gross.

-Has a dream journal filled with trips and delusions. I actually ache to be able to read what this dementoid's head can create.

-Speaking of delusions, this girlboss also invented the word delulu. Again, can't explain how.

-Knows how many bumps are on Robot and Monster's tongues. This show molded me into what I am today, send help and watch the show.

🩷❤JD + Spitfire

-Look, this show made 2 great, badass female characters. That's all. But, I was debating on whether to make their own separate lines, but you can't separate these two... I mean they tried to in an episode so you understand why I can't do it now. They are a team.

-Biker girlies. They beat up gangs and keep the streets safe at night. Fight dudes bigger than them and win. Wonderful.

-I love that they were able to make JD have everything going for her, but also have flaws as well. I mean, she's extremely strong, she's very pretty, she's got a sweet personality, and she's academically gifted. However, she's also a slob and doesn't really read people's emotions all that well. I don't know, I just feel like that's a great character.

-Spitfire is the complete foil to JD (and vice-versa, of course.) Spitfire is grounded and down-to-earth, cynical towards life and people, organized and calculating, and uncaring about the norm and societal standards. Seriously, sarcastic and badass. That's a great character.

-Despite their differences, they still have the same level of calmness. They work together so well from a fundamental standpoint. Dynamics similar to Robot and Monster, just... different vibe.

-JD has a very feminine air about her, and Spitfire has a very butch air about her. They very much level each other out.

🤖👾Final note💕🌚

-I would not be surprised if they have explored each other's bodies/hj. Very nonchalant as well.

-No lie, I don't know how to describe Robot and Monster's dynamic. "-And they were roommates." If you watch the Christmas episode, it seems like they were trying to make a nicktoon-friendly family splitting up a non-hetero situationship [which, hey, they find happiness with each other, wouldn't be surprised.]

-The show is weird, funny, sweet, comforting, the best. It is what it is, and for better or for worse, it will always hold a special place in the core of my soul.

#sorry I have problems #this will not be the last time I talk about them like this #I like their big dumb faces #robot and monster #my headcanons #i'm just speaking nonsense #long post #appreciation post #thank you for coming to my ted-talk

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uncanny-tranny · 19 days

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I'm trans nonbinary and I really kind of hate myself for it and feel like such a fucking freak and I don't even know why because I didn't even grow up around a lot of homophobia or anything. I let everyone assume I'm a (trans) man because in my head if someone found out I was nonbinary they would just think I'm so fucking wierd, even when I'm in spaces or with people I know for a fact wouldn't actually think any of that. I don't feel this way about anyone else, just me. I'm really sorry if this is too much of a vent kind of thing I totally get you deleting it or whatever, but any advice you have would be really great.

I want to preface this by emphatically saying: Nobody here (least of all myself!) are judging you. I am sure many trans people who are following this blog know how you feel intimately. It's a consequence of the world we live in, not an intrinsic failure of character. I want to make this clear because you were incredibly vulnerable and I don't want you to worry that your vulnerability is a bad thing. It takes a lot to open up like this, no matter if you're on anon or not.

I've talked about this before, but this is a process that takes... a long time to work through, if I'm honest. I've been out since I was a young teenager, and now as an adult I still fall into the trappings of feeling similarly to you. What helped for me is to generally avoid judging myself for when I do feel like this. I think trying to outright ignore how you feel is very inefficient - I have tended to be a person who needs to feel those awful feelings so that I can look back and notice exactly what went wrong. I wouldn't specifically recommend that you do this - I have had many years of combating internalized transphobia to feel this is effective for myself. But, regardless of where you are in your journey of internal acceptance, I will advise this: don't judge yourself for these feelings. It is easy to do, but you don't deserve to have even more feelings of shame, isolation, or overall feelings of hopelessness or helplessness.

Often, we won't know exactly "why" we feel these feelings of internalized transphobia. For me, I also didn't grow up with outright homophobia, but I did grow up with the idea that I would only be loved if I was cishet, so when I discovered I was neither, it was jarring. I thought I would never be loved. And years later, I became open to the idea that I might have been wrong because there were people along the way - friends, certain family, strangers, even - who showed the love I felt I surrendered when I realized who and what I was.

It has helped me to expose myself to other trans people, as well. It's a delicate balance, at times, because there are moments where I find myself growing envious of another trans person for the way I perceive their own transition. It's a natural response, I guess, a natural human response that is amplified when you are part of a group that is often maligned. But I have found that the pros outweigh the cons: I see trans people of all identities now, trans people who look like me, who have incredibly similar experiences, who taught me so much about what it actually means to love and be loved. It's funny, because I'm largely a trans man (with caveats), yet some of the people who have deeply impacted me forever weren't always the same as I am (in fact, one of the first true "I look up to this person" experiences was from a trans woman who I still to this day admire and look up to).

I'm not going to lie, this (how you're feeling) is an incredibly common, but sometimes devastating result of so many factors. While we all go about these feelings in different ways, it can be hard. Therefore, it's important that we support each other. I want to offer my support to you, and let you know that you aren't going to be looked at by others in the way you might fear. It's hard to even conceptualize, honestly, but I am being honest. I understand that some of what I might have said won't resonate with you now, or ever, and that's okay. When we have a community to talk about ideas as a way of support, we can start to have more resources that we might be able to utilize effectively.

Your vulnerability right now isn't going unnoticed. It took a lot to express this, and I hope you might read this and feel even slightly better. I wish nothing but good things for you, nothing but bountiful joy and understanding that you deserve so much from this world.

#ask #anon #trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #nonbinary #internalized transphobia #internalized transphobia tw #long post #(just for any blacklisting reasons)#this one hits home for me in so many ways #so at the very least anon: you aren't going through this alone

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wachtelspinat · 2 months

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(1) i know i'm not the first to reach out, nor will i be the best to comfort you. I can't say i know what you're going through because I can't remember my life anymore from when i did. What i do have, is someone close to me in a simmilar situation who I... also don't know how to comfort. But i want you to know, I really really do, That this is not on you. This is not your fault and you are not to blame. The world is a really hard place to be in right now (continued )

"(2) The world is a really hard place to be in right now and being 'an adult' with a job sounds so so tiring and isolating. There is not a single person on earth who isn't weighed down by it and it feels so much lonelyer and colder now. but this isn't on you. You had rat and hog to give you much needed happines and community to keep you going. Growing up and getting older is one of the hardest things we have to do and nobody gives you any credit for keeping it together for this long (continued)

(3) you've made wonderful works and touched thousands of people in your time with us so far and i believe the marks you've left on this world will still live on after you in the minds of these people. I don't know who you are, if not an artist with commendable skill with lines and shapes. But i hope some years from now we both get to know"

____

hey there, the fact that you have taken the time to read my post and reach out is incredible, so first of all thank you so much for that.

i'm gonna be frank, it is absolutely mindblowing to get this much positive and reassuring response to my post, i appreciate everyone that left a comment or even read the post, and i appreciate every input there is. because you mentioned a friend of yours is in a similar situation and you don't know how to help, i can imagine how this leaves you helpless, and sadly i think this is sth your friend (like me) has to figure out on their own. but the mere fact that you are there to lend an ear, to listen and to support, is such a big gesture and the warm human touch we all need. so i'm rooting for your friend to find a way to deal with that situation the way that satisfies them.

as for the growing up part. yeah. truth me told that was never sth i anticipated. which sounds stupid in hindsight, but for the longest time i thought adults had it figured out. somehow. of course i knew that my parents, my teachers, my elders in every way had problems. but they seemed to handle them... in a way. i've been in the "student mindset" for quite a long time and having a 130% responsibility now - not only for my own life but for the life of my patients - OH BOY it leaves me awake for more nights than i'd like to admit. this paired with what's going on in the world... it's an anxiety that's not good to handle.

thank you again for reaching out, i really appreciate it, and please tell your friend that we get through this <3

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qcomicsy · 11 months

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I was going to reblog with a comment but that post is already super long. But so true ! Like the ninja assassin thing with Dick is a modern retcon something that would be a Tim Cass or Damian thing to do. But writing a flashback for an adult Dick in the 2000s would be weird. By the 1960s he was firmly in canon 18 and in college. How are you gonna go back to the era of goofy and be like this is Dick’s angsty teenage years involved getting turned into a vampire and fighting Bruce over dating Talia. It just doesn’t make sense with how Long comics keep going. 80 years of comics and he’s only what 28. Like it’s very hard to keep a consistent character when everyone wants to make Dick Jason and Bruce new characters every few decades

Absolutely!

My personal view about how they kept retconning Dick's personality as a child and his relationship with Bruce is that it's a mix of complex things and bullshit.

The complex things is yeah, Dick and Bruce had their share of problems when Dick was growing up. They did start bumping heads a lot, but it was more like "this kid is turning into a man and is starting to clash views with his father (who is already someone who's not easy to deal with)" and "that's the part where he starts to develop who he is as person" (I won't get much into that because I haven't read many comics regarding Dick transition from Robin from Batman & Robin to Robin from Titans until Nightwing in the pre-death of the family era.) than the borderline abusive and toxic relationship they started to introducing in the late 90's to early 2000's portrayals of them.

It's complex because after rebooting everything it's hard to introduce such a long and gradual process that took almost ten years of development that is Dick's emancipation not only from working with Bruce but also following his every step as boy wonder. Specially if we think about the huge fall out they had right after Jason died.

It's bullshit because they started with those retcons when we had that long and embarrassing period of Super-hero history (late 90's to early 2000's) where everyone was trying to make super-heroes popular again but following alongside with a palpable embarrassment and self-conscious shame regarding any silliness and/or whimsical side the superhero universe. Like "we're making superheroes stories but this is for adults, this ain't for children 😡😡". Nobody wanted to be the "60's Batman TV show everyone makes fun of" and everybody wanted to be Alan Moore.

We had all this writers who grow up reading "Death of the family", "The Killing Joke", "Batman Year one" add were dying to recreate the 80's dark period glory, even if they didn't had the same writing skills for that.

I mean hate the Killing Joke all you want (I know I do), it has a shit tone of good writing.

It's bullshit because everyone was still sore about how Batman turned into a joke in the 90's after that one movie and for some reason everyone blamed Robin. It's bullshit because comic books are always influenced by the popular media around them, and while 40's Batman had the American Way and American Family Values™ 🦅🦅🦅, 80's Batman has Scarface, Taxi Driver and long urban tragedies.... 90's have Die Hard and every extra power macho fantasy under the sun.

I mean... This was 90's Nightwing.

he's so big and so stupid and one day I'm gonna top h–*gunshots*

No one wanted to see "good father" Batman, hell no one wanted to see any emotional shit in comics? Emotions??? In my manly comics??? Miss me with that gay sit emotions is for girls 😡😡 I wanna see big buffy man making his enemies cry 🔥⛓️☠️💪☠️😡⛓️🪚🔧

So you reach early 2000, everyone kinda hates or is kinda embarrassed of Robin, Batman is a former shadow of the man and the father he used to be. But you still wanna introduce new readers to your character (Dick Grayson) that (for better or for worst) is loved but only by the people who already know him, you're still embarrassed of his silly origins and the whimsical part of it.

So what do you do?

Personally I think writers thought Dick had it too easy as Robin, personally I think they were obsessed about making it real, personally I think everyone was obssessed and trilled with the idea of being the next Tim Miller and making their one fresh real edge introduction of the boy wonder. Personally I think this is all the new 52 was absolutely on for the Batfamily.

Personally I believe (and this is more a optimistic take) some writers were creatively trying to tie Dick's anger issues as Nightwing to his origins as Robin.

You have this chance of one in million (at te time) to reintroduce Nightwing (reintroduce Robin), now you can make it as real as gritty and as edge as you want. You can make it Robin cool again, you can introduce in a way that will sell well the dark story you where preparing for this character. And you also can deny any father and son relationship he could had have with Bruce Wayne and keep the big beef strong man without feelings reputation that people have been manufacturing by choice into Batman from ten years by now.

And what is more dark and character building than an abusive father?

I think writers thought that making Bruce abusive towards Dick and Dick resentful towards Bruce was the best way to launch this new universe as realistic and grittier. Not only making Dick's Robin introduction (and origin) more "real" but also separating Bruce even more from a emotional and father like figure that for some reason some writers (and fans!) despised to much.

Killing so many birds with one stone might as well call yourself David from the Bible.

And they were so certain this direction would be a success that the just notice their mistake now.

Anyways... A load of bullshit.

I personally don't mind Dick's Robin having anger issues, I think it's a natural progression from his first real serious introduction from back in the 80's, I also think it adds more to his character tying up his first trauma along with a long life of others and the result of having to deal with a frustrating job (that is vigilantism is) since literally ever. I like the idea that the perfect Robin wasn't perfect all the time and he also had (and has) other side of his personality that isn't as nice or likeable as it should and that's a thing he consciously have to work on as a person since he was a child.

However I also think writers did took to far sometimes and Dick history and specially his relationship with Bruce suffered from it. And I also agree that if everyone tries to reboot, retcon and fucking "subvert" a character every fucking ten years you won't even have a fucking consistent character to begin with (gestures vaguely to Jason Todd, Deadpool and now poor fuckin Damian and their wreck of comic book history).

#Dick Grayson #Nightwing #Dick Robin #Batman #Batman and Robin #q asks

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its-only-v · 1 year

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Best Shows of 2022

Yes, I'm putting this on Tumblr after 2022 has ended. Yes, it's also entirely too long with 30+ shows and all categories that I made myself.

The Best Show That Feels Like an Extended Award-Winning Cut of a Movie

And yes, I mean it in a good way, and not in the way that it should’ve been a movie and not a tv show. Slow Horses made the time fly by and it was so excellent that its second season is already airing right now and the show just came out in March. A big reason to watch it is also Gary Oldman, who plays one of the leads in the show. He’s also announced that he’ll be retiring after it ends - but don’t worry, it won’t be anytime soon because Apple has already renewed it for third and fourth seasons. How is that for a stamp of approval?

The Show with the Superhero in Most Desperate Need of a Therapist

On one hand, we have Peacemaker who has daddy issues (understandably so) and survivor’s guilt. On the other hand, there’s everyone in The Boys. We have definite psychopath Homelander and possible psychopath Soldier Boy and what’s Butcher doing this season with superpowers? But I doubt a therapist would be safe from the maniacs in The Boys so I’ll give this one to Peacemaker who would make better use of the help and not kill the therapist (this guarantee doesn’t extend to Vigilante).

The Show with the Highest Tension

This one’s a tie between The Bear and Severance. And what a surprise, both of them have the workplace as the central setting. Besides what I’ve already said about them in separate editions dedicated just to them, do I need to say more? Fine, here’s one line - it’s best to go in blind for Severance because you want to be surprised and I’ve watched The Bear all the way through three times.

The Best Show About Worst Career Changes That Sort of Work Out

A tie and both of these are comedy shows. Killing It follows Craig (Craig Robinson) an entrepreneur-turned-python hunter in Florida and Our Flag Means Death follows Steve Bonnet (Rhys Darby), a gentleman-turned-pirate. Both of them should not be doing what they’re doing but they do it anyway and it manages to sort of kind of work out along with hilarious situations along the way.

The Show with the Weirdest Relationship

Nobody can explain the plot of The Time Traveler’s Wife in a way that doesn’t make you narrow your eyes. Clare (Rose Leslie) first meets her husband Henry (Theo James) as a little girl when he travels back in time to a clearing near her house as an adult. She grows up falling in love with him because who wouldn’t (and she finds out that he’s already married her in the future so it’s destiny)? But it’s technically okay because he keeps his distance (and it’s not like he time/space travels on purpose) and he’s actually first met her as an adult when she’s an adult too (who has been in love with him since her childhood so is it acceptable?). It was cancelled after the first season because of the entire HBO/Warner Bros/Discovery disaster of a merger so we won’t be exploring more complexities of this relationship but it was interesting to watch while it lasted.

The Show with the Best Fictional Criminals

Sprung makes having a crew seem fun. You’d love to hang out with them and commit crimes (for legal purposes, this is a joke and I’m not condoning crime). We also had some white-collar crime in the new season of Industry but I’ll give them the leeway that crime isn’t their full-time job.

The Show with the Best Real-Life Criminals

This category was previously going to be called best shows based on real life, but then all the characters were fans of shady business practices. The contenders include WeCrashed (about WeWork), Super Pumped (about Uber), The Dropout (about Theranos) and Black Bird (about getting a criminal to get a serial killer to confess) (let’s pretend Inventing Anna didn’t happen for the sake of my sanity). Black Bird is the clear winner here. It has Taron Egerton and Paul Walter Hauser giving their career-best performances and the show feels like a spiritual successor to True Detective and Mindhunter, which elevates it even more.

The Best Show About Teenagers Falling in Love with Teens Who Act Their Age

This was a difficult one to pick with very strong top three contenders - the new season of Young Royals, the last season of Love Victor, and Heartstopper. But, at the end, how could this not go to Heartstopper that’s romantic, wholesome, cute, and does not fail to put a big smile on your face? (The characters of The Sex Lives of College Girls are also teenagers but the second season is still airing so jury’s still out on that and if they all look & act like teenagers or rather young adults is up for debate)

The Show with the Best Power Couple

George (Morgan Spector) and Bertha Russell (Carrie Coon) from The Gilded Age, overcome the absolute drabness of their names to be the best power couple in television this year, not just in a period drama. Doing a bad relationship is easy. A great relationship? Tricky. Especially when it happens to be set in the past, with all its problematic period-accurate outlook. But Julian Fellowes has aced it (Bridgerton, please take note so you can have Season 2’s promising couple back for the third season, which didn’t happen this year).

The Show with the Most Toxic Couple

Yes, I said doing a bad relationship is easy. But - hear me out. Doing a toxic relationship with such compelling characters who happen to have insane chemistry? Louis (Jacob Anderson) and Lestat (Sam Reid) from Interview with the Vampire will make you go from thinking they-should-be-together-forever to please-someone-enforce-a-restraining-order. And as a bonus, there are multiple toxic relationships to go around along with toxic traits that don’t include ripping people’s heads or organs off their bodies (murder can be excused but Lestat, don’t open your relationship if you’re going to throw a fit once your partner takes you up on it and definitely don’t turn a teenager into a vampire to have an adoptive child to save your marriage). Runner-up goes to The Great, which had its second season air this year, with a couple that would also gladly kill each other but at least they’re honest about where they stand.

The Sexiest Show with Queer Vampires

How is this a category? How can this not be a category when you have What We Do in the Shadows’ latest season, and new shows including Interview with the Vampire, Reginald the Vampire, Vampire Academy, and First Kill all airing in the same year? Vampires definitely had a resurgence this year and not just on television (Dracula Daily was also a phenomenon this year and we had the iconic Morbius that needs no introduction and the overlooked Netflix film Day Shift with Jamie Foxx and Dave Franco as vampire hunters). But all of this is just to say that yes, Interview with the Vampire wins again, and Guillermo from WWDITS would agree and we should take his word for it.

The Best Show About Making Money Off the Female Gaze

Minx and Welcome to Chippendales both have businesses trying to capitalize on the female gaze - the first with a magazine and the second with a troupe of male strippers. Since Welcome to Chippendales is still airing and I’m not entirely convinced it’ll stick the landing, Minx wins this one by default but it’s also a very strong show which might have won anyway.

The Best Show To Take You On a Vacation

Or, more specifically, Italy. Yes, the second season of The White Lotus wasn’t the only show with a scenic Italian setting this year. While at the time of writing The White Lotus hasn’t ended yet, I know Mike White isn’t going to lead us astray. The other show that takes you on a vacation in Italy during Mussolini’s era is Hotel Portofino, which weaves in beautiful locales, interesting characters, history, and a mystery to keep you hooked till the end of the season.

The Show with the Best Murder Victim

The Afterparty. RIP Xavier (Dave Franco), you were a superstar blessed with predicting your own death in your music video. (Bonus points for the song being a banger, with the creators filming the full music video even though it wasn’t in the show and releasing a full EP by the character on Spotify).

The Show with the Most Underrated Detective

With a lot of criminals come a lot of criminal catchers. You know the trio of Only Murders in the Building but I bet you’ve not heard of Bell Prescott from Panhandle is a genius crime solver and there couldn’t have been a more fitting name for him for the way he acts. Luke Kirby (who you might know as Lenny Bruce from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel - also the only good part of this year’s new season which I didn’t like much) plays the lead - he manages to solve years of unsolved cases all while not having stepped out of his Florida mansion (that he shares with his mother and pet crocodile) since the death of his wife (whose presence he still hallucinates). Also, like any crime-solving genius, he also gets an assist from a sidekick (rookie cop Tiana Okoye) who makes up for his flaws, making them an epic crime-solving duo.

The Best Supernatural Show NOT About Vampires

Well, not exclusively anyway. Supernatural Academy is my pick for this one, which won't entirely be a surprise. It was such a well-made show and had so much mature storytelling than I was expecting from it. I was also considering The Bastard Son & The Devil Himself because that was such a good show but it only picked up about halfway through and now it's been cancelled with just the first season on Netflix. While there hasn't been any news of Supernatural Academy's second season, I'm more hopeful of Peacock keeping shows going than Netflix at this point so I hope we'll see more of it.

The Best Show About Shows

Please take a moment to acknowledge the meta commentary by the placement of this category at the end. Thank you.

There are multiple shows in this category and all are winners. The Rehearsal is technically a reality show that also shows you what goes into the making of a reality show. We also have Reboot for scripted fiction, which you’ve probably guessed from the title is a show about the making of a reboot that also happens to have an all-star comedy cast. If we extend the definition of a show to all types of shows because why not, we also have Hacks, whose new season was about the making of a new stand-up show on the road. Also an excellent watch.

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twelvegrimmyplace · 1 year

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Nick Grimshaw looks back: ‘Rihanna, Kate, Naomi – Mum was never fazed by them. But she did lose it over Alan Titchmarsh’

The broadcaster and his mother recreate an old photo and recall their wild nights out together

Born in Oldham in 1984, Nick Grimshaw is a presenter best known for his time on BBC Radio 1, as well as his mischievous charm and A-list social circle. Starting his career as a runner for MTV, he went on to present T4, became a judge on the X Factor, hosted the Radio 1 Breakfast show and now has a culinary podcast, Dish. He lives with his fiance, the dancer Meshach Henry, in London with his two dogs. His memoir, Soft Lad, is out now.

Eileen

Nick always wanted to be the centre of attention, and was a very comical child. In that picture, he was probably eight, and it would have been Children In Need night. When that happened, my God, he made everyone sit down. He’d get you nuts, crisps and sweets, and you’d have to watch the whole lot. He’d get obsessed like that with everything – television, radio, music. There was a dog book fad, too. He knew off by heart every breed and he’d take it to church when we went to mass, hiding it inside the hymn book so nobody could see.

Nick’s talkative. It was like switching the light on in the morning, then it was all day, nonstop. He was known for it, and would get in trouble at school because of it. He knew from a young age that he wanted to get a job at Radio 1. He said: “That’s where I’m going to work” and his dad replied: “Mmm, you and a million other kids.” But Nick stuck by it.

As well as chatting, he was in a band, playing the cornet. It was terrible. When I’d get my friends round – there’s a group of nine of us, we call it Girls’ Night – Nick would worm his way in. The cornet would come out. Once or twice he’d say: “I don’t want you to look at me while I do it,” so he’d have his back to us. He was way out of tune and we’d be bursting not to laugh but his dad would say: “Brilliant! Fantastic!” He got thrown out of the band in the end and I had to try to talk them into letting him back in.

When he left home for university we thought we’d gone deaf because it was so quiet. His house was a dump. You’d wipe your feet when you came out – it was atrocious. Then he was off to London. He wouldn’t really tell me what was happening down there – he’d just say he was handing out flyers.

I didn’t see a lot of him back then, but sometimes he’d bring his friends up for Christmas. Nick asked if Amy Winehouse could come one year. I said: “Why?” He said: “Well, she’s got nowhere to go.” She didn’t come in the end, but I did speak to her when she rang the house phone.

Nick’s very thoughtful. Even more so as he’s got older. He’s grown up, and I now see him settled with Meshach, and they’re so lovely together. My friends all say I’m so lucky he wants to include me in everything he does. I’ve had some brilliant holidays with him, but when I visit him in London it’s always a bit full-on. I get there and he says: “Don’t worry, we’ll have a nice quiet weekend” but it never is. He’s bumping into people, or there’s a party and we’re not home until quarter to six the next morning. It’s exhausting, but I do think, you know what? While I’m fit and able to, I’m going to enjoy it.

Nick

That was the prime spot in our lounge. I was getting ready to watch the telly and cuddle with Eileen. The green mark on my hand was from painting – possibly a frog. My milk teeth hadn’t fallen out but my adult teeth started growing – so you can see a single fang in the picture. My family were like: “Oh that’s horrible! That’s so gross.” They used to call me Wolf Boy. How mean.

I was enjoying my life at this point. I loved primary school. It was in a bungalow, and it didn’t feel as if I was doing actual work, just running around seeing gerbils or a stray dog. We’d do skipping or play rounders or welly chucking. It was about this time that I got into Hardcore Ecstasy – a rave compilation that I loved. At secondary school I had friends but I was never in a clique or a gang, and I wonder if it’s because my reference points were off because of my older brother and sister’s influence. I was less excited about the Spice Girls because I was like: “Yeah, but have you heard the Slits?” Pretty annoying. I obviously also loved Girls’ Night.

I don’t know what it was about cities, but I always wanted to be somewhere bigger. I grew up in suburban Oldham and enjoyed the chaos of going to central Manchester. Once I realised I wanted to do radio, I knew I had to go to London. It seemed there was so much life for young people there versus being on my mum and dad’s watch, listening to wood pigeons and having a potato hash for tea. I wanted a racket.

I ended up meeting Mairead [Nash] and Tabitha [Denholm] from Queens of Noize when I was doing student radio. That night we went out together and didn’t come back for 24 hours. My friend Jenny dropped me off the next day at my parents’ and my dad was in the front garden. As the car pulled up he said: “Where the bloody hell have you been? Look at the bleeding state of you!” I looked straight ahead and said: “Drive on.” He chased me down the road with clippers and I hid at Jenny’s. London was such a big fast city, so the friends I made I bonded with quickly. When I was unemployed, me and Amy [Winehouse] would get drunk in the day in Camden, and Mairead and Tabitha really looked after me. Sadie [Frost], too.

When my dad died [in 2016], a family friend, Sarah, said to think of it as the start of a new sort of relationship with my mum. We could be adults together rather than mother and son. I was worried about her feeling alone after such a monumental change, but we ended up becoming good friends and she’d come out with me to parties, or we’d go away with Sadie’s family.

Mum was never fazed by any of my friends. Once I took her to a Stella McCartney fashion week dinner and everyone famous was there – Rihanna, Kate, Naomi. None of it bothered her, although it was good gossip for her when she got back home and could tell Girls’ Night how gorgeous they all were. That being said, she did lose it when she met Alan Titchmarsh. The night before, I’d taken her to DJ with me at one of [stylist and journalist] Katie Grand’s fashion parties and we ended up having a big night. I was so hungover the next day when we were supposed to go to the Chelsea flower show together, that we ended up getting drunk there to get over it. Then she saw Alan. She was like: Alan! Alan! Weak at the knees for Alan.

My mum has also been a victim of many pranks on the radio. Once Alan Carr called her and said he was a casting agent who wanted to know if she’d like to be Pauline Quirk’s mother in Broadchurch. Another time, I called and said I had all these demands for when I visited next: that I wanted a kilo of wheatgrass and an ostrich egg. It was so funny that we made a song on Radio 1 of my mum going “Wheatgrass?” over banging techno.

When I was younger, I’d call her when I needed something – and also because contractually you should ring your mum. Then I called her for pranks. Now I phone every day because I want to gossip or to hear her news. Even though I’ll keep taking her along to parties, my favourite thing is still staying at home watching telly with Eileen.

[source]

#lovely!#nick grimshaw #grimshaw fam #press #soft lad

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cryptidcalling · 4 days

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Making another post about Vesper's awful childhood. Is anyone surprised?

This one's mostly about how his experiences as a child impacted his emotional state as an adult. CW for child abuse, physical and emotional neglect, and intentional self-injury.

I'm going to try and summarize the backstory bits as much as I can, but Vesper (as we all know) did not grow up in a loving environment. He has Venus for a good chunk of his childhood, but she could only do so much before she was taken away from him. With Venus gone, Vesper started seeking that familial love and care from the researchers.

When he was younger they gave him a lot of attention. It wasn't loving attention of course, it was them swarming around him doing tests and medical trials and taking his blood, but with Vesper feeling as lonely as he did he didn't really remember how unpleasant their attention was. He just needed anything. But as Vesper got older, the Stardust-derivative chemical content of his blood lowered and lowered. By around age 12 or 13 it hit a low plateau where it still sits now. As his usefulness dwindled, the researchers turned their attention towards new projects, essentially abandoning him besides providing the essentials to keep him alive.

Vesper tried everything to get their attention. First he begged and pleaded and promised to be good, then he threw tantrums and screamed and broke things, and then he had the idea to try and injure himself. Particularly, he knew he needed to draw blood. When he was young, any tiny cut would cause researchers to flock to him in order to collect what he lost and stop the bleeding. He didn't want to get hurt, and he knew the attention would be fleeting, but it was the only idea he had left. It took some effort, they didn't exactly leave him with access to sharp objects, but eventually he was able to make a pretty big cut right on his cheek (somewhere prominent, impossible not to see). It hurt, and he cried, but internally he was hopeful.

Nobody came. He tried for hours, first calling out that he was hurt and needed help, then that he sure was losing lots of blood, then kicked the door and screamed about how much he hated everyone and everything and he'd just bleed and bleed until he died then, and for a long time he just sat on the floor and cried. He cried and cried until everything just went numb. Like he'd cried out everything he'd ever felt and now there wasn't anything left.

~ Vesper still remembers doing that, vaguely. He remembers it as an embarrassing childhood tantrum. Really, he was way too old at that point to pitch such a massive fit. 12 years old is too old to be crafting petty schemes for parental attention. If people ask him now how he got that scar he tells them he "got it on the job," because he finds the true story too shameful to recount. He remembers it as a day where he was taught a valuable lesson about dealing with his own problems.

Vesper prides himself on being difficult to get a rise out of. He's cold, he's serious, he's logical, all very valuable things for a General to be. When people insult him he gives them no reaction, and in the face of fear and danger he presses forward with an unshakeable bravery. As long as he can phsycally deal with his problem, whether that be through fighting or working or simply walking away, he can handle it no matter how many strong emotions are twisting around in his gut and chewing at his insides. But that changes when he's presented with a problem he has no way to fix. When he's stuck in a conversation he doesn't know how to navigate, or when he's worrying about how others feel about him, everything just keeps twisting and chewing into an inescapable anxiety. How that anxiety manifests can change depending on what's causing it, but either way it can cause some rather childish reactions. Sometimes he'll just hide away from everyone, refusing to talk or let them help him until the anxiety calms down or he finds something to occupy himself with. Other times it manifests as irritation and crabbiness, causing him to snap at people and have a very short temper. He feels guilty about that, but he can barely ever bring himself to apologize.

Vesper hides and downplays his injuries and illnesses. Partially because even the risk of getting medical treatment makes his blood run cold, and partially because he just can't see them as anyone's problem but his own. It's a frequent argument between him and Pansa, and he just doesn't get it. Why does Pansa think he can't take care of his own problems? Why is he so level-headed about everything else, but starts making mountains from molehills when he gets hurt? It's his job to get hurt. Why won't Pansa just let him do what he needs to do? The same tends to go for his hunger or tiredness. They're his own problems, and as much as he enjoys Pansa's attention and pampering, he can't help but feel a little ashamed when Pansa scolds him for not eating or sleeping properly. Those are his problems, ones Pansa shouldn't have to be worrying about, and yet time and time again Pansa ends up remotely clocking him out and putting in an order with the kitchens to make him dinner. So much of what Vesper does is driven by an unconscious need to be valuable, because he's convinced having value is the only way people will still care for him.

#My poor boy has issues <3 Particularly abandonment issues </3</3 #Vesper's 'people need to be valuable' thing does apply to everyone else as well. He just allows them to be valuable differently.#He has no respect for someone who he perceives as lazy #But he does respect that being valuable comes in many different forms. All that matters is you provide something to others.#Simply making others happy is enough for other people to be valuable in his eyes. Because clearly if they're making people happy #then they're valuable in some way he just can't see.#It's smth Pansa's working on. Trying to prove to Vesper that his love doesn't go away when Vesper's not being useful.#Vesper has a hard time with it though.#Vesper tag

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