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osdd-1bitch · 3 years

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// partly a vent? but also if you have any type of advice as to what i can do pls say,, gotta be honest im still INSANELY fucked on if im a system or not :( for a while i was dead set on it but i ended up just not saying anything to my therapist and fell back into that "ok no thats not me, im just a really vivid daydreamer" mindset.

then your blog auto-popped up as i was typing and i clicked it and im back to that "maybe" thing. im just so conflicted rn ughhh goddamnit :( ive been having an extremely stressful past few weeks (no specifics but alot of my trauma resurfaced, alot of shit triggered me, similar traumatic situations etc) and i missed both of my therapy sessions the past 2 weeks, so ive kinda reverted back to being dependant on alters who im not even sure are alters or not. and even THEN im not sure how to bring up to my therapist that i think i may have OSDD or DID?? like idk how im gonna come back after 2 weeks and say "hey btw all this traumatic shit came back up and i think i might be a system bc i talk to people in my head who arent me lol but anyways can i use ur fidget cube?" ??? SO much has happened and im really debating on just pushing down that it might be osdd/did and pretending nothing is wrong for the sake of keeping myself mentally stable yk ?? gotta say i just dont know what to do at all. lets also not forget im 13 and shouldnt even have to deal w this much stress EVER but dfghgtf. im just really struggling to tell if this is my maladaptive daydreaming or DID man :(

MaDD and plurality are weird to work w, especially since MaDD can and often is be caused by trauma and there are some expressions of MaDD that one could put on the plural spectrum. Its mucky either way and can suck to deal with

before i continue, id like to say our experience on therapy has...not been great so ill refrain from giving therapy specific advice for fear of our past experiences clouding our judgement, but you can share the trauma bits and get some help without talking about plurality. the rings system did some videos that might help about talking to a therapist,red flags ect, lovely folks, you should give em a watch if you havent. either way id say you prolly shouldnt bring this up yet, but info is also good in general

and also, some personal advice, be very very careful on the internet, especially social medias at your age. we were in your shoes once and it did fck us up quite a bit

either way, i seriously doubt youll be taken seriously, not in a bad way, full grown adults struggle to get help. and stressing about specifics can just lead to, you guessed it! more stress. its totally fine to drop all lables and just exist for a while and try and do whatever, talking w sysmates or daydreaming whatever, you dont have to name these experiences for now, just live them. doubt is weird, and youll almost def be wout dxing for a few years either way.

just live your life, try not to bring up trauma wout professionals, and be very safe on the internet, and preferably get off tumblr and move somewhere safer, its really not a place for people your age. i know you probably wont listen to that bit much, but at least be extra super safe.

self dxing can take years btw. its not really a matter of weeks, lived experience and analyzing yourself and just questioning takes a lot of time. take it slow

and its totally fine if its not did. or madd. or either. dont stress, dont try and conform yourself to dxes and stuff rn, especially since you are both v young and just started questioning. im not saying your age means you shouldnt, if you have did you have it rn, but things can take time to come to light. just b honest w yourself and open to the options, mkay? self dxing is a lot of research on top of the work. if you started questiong round now tbh many systems if they questions at your age would get a dx or self dx at like 15,16,17 ect ect, and thats if they question. do what helps you and talk to your therapist, you dont have to mention did but talk about questioning disorders and junk.

this sorta age is when figuring yourself out rlly starts to happen yknow? that doesnt mean you should be cornered off n stuff, n kept away from dxes, but it also means you should be very careful n research a ton. if you find smth you resonate w it, keeping it in the maybe pile for a year or two can seem like its a long time, but will help a ton in the end, if its true or not. if its stressing you out a ton, its okay to not think about it for a bit, you have time.

and again, please please please try and get off social medias they can mess w your head a lot, and try not to share your age online again. im torn abt publishing this n may delete this ask n repost the response, but im not sure

tldr:

i dont wanna tell you to not question or identify symptoms, but things change a lot n you are just dipping your toes into life. take things slow and sit on them, thats the best advice given to us at your age. you could be absolutely right, you could be confused, you could be dead wrong, and all of these are okay. just keep yourself open, research and rlly think abt it (like months of thinking abt it) before it can age properly in the maybe bin. and also be safe online, dont share your age and stuff n keep off toxic n inapropriate sites like this best you can. options are open and symptoms can change over time. just exist and take note of things. dont stress over lables, n self dx should stay in the possibly-maybe bin for now, itll be worth the wait

#anon #advice tag #dealing w trauma disorders at a younge age sucks a lot #n ik being young can make everything seem fadt n easy #but its rlly not i promise #ppl question sht for years #some things change n turn out to b diff #ik its rlly hard but take it v slow #n also go to bed on time #n Please get off of tumblr or at least b safer #im rlly only publishing this bc you r on anon #w no tags or anything #i feel a lot of ppl dismiss ppl who question at younga ges #n often for v good reasons but outright #dissmisal i think itsnt right #just know things can b v diff in a few yrs okay?#(also yall should i delte or nah? torn rn)#caps cw

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clownbeep · 5 years

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This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

#trigger warning #triggering #may be triggering #vent #emotional neglect #emotional abuse #suicide #suicide trigger #gore warning #memory problems #ramble #rambles

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meganlpie · 6 years

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Pretty Please?

Anonymous asked: Congrats, Meg! Can I get a Halloween request?? I know it’ll probably be after Halloween before it’s posted, but idc. I was hoping to get a Dean x fem!reader where she tries to convince Dean to go trick-or-treating in family costumes (they have a couple little ones) and maybe Sam agrees to go too and helps convince Dean into going??

Here is your one-shot, anon! I do not own Dean or Sam. They belong to the writers/creators of Supernatural.

Warnings: Fluff.

Pairings: Dean Winchester x fem!reader, Sam Winchester

“No.” The word was out of your husband’s mouth before you could even ask the question. “Dean…” you pleaded. “No, Y/N. I hate Halloween and you know it.” You huffed a little. “But Dean, it’s for the kids. Please?” Dean’s green eyes met your (e/c) ones. “You’re using our kids against me?” You smiled softly.

"Dean, they want this. It’s all they’ve talked about. Please? Pretty please? Even Sam has agreed to go.“ Dean groaned lowly. You were giving him that look. The one that you knew he couldn’t resist in a million years. Not from you and not from your children. "Alright fine…but do I have to wear that?” You shrugged. “Better than what Sam is wearing. Our daughter insists that I’m Dorothy and she wants to be the lion which leaves Uncle Sam being the Wicked Witch.”

Dean busted out laughing. “Okay. Okay. I’ll go. If only to see Sammy with green face paint and a pointed hat.” You clapped your hands together. “Yay! Now get ready, Tin Man while I go tell our children.” Dean let out a little grumble and you giggled. You walked over to him and kissed his lips. “I’ll make it up to you later,” you promised, earning a signature Dean smirk. “Oh really?” You rolled your eyes, but nodded.

"I’ll hold you to that.“ He pulled you close and placed a searing kiss to your lips. "Ew.” You broke apart to see Sam there with your youngest in his arms. “Yeah, ew,” he commented with a smile. “Guess what? Dean agreed to go with us.” Your little girl, already in her lion costume, cried out in glee. “Yay, Daddy!”

If he hadn’t agreed before, Dean would have agreed to anything now. His children and your opinions of him meant everything to Dean. His daughter saw him as a superhero in a way and to see her looking at him with such a happy expression made the hunter melt. “The lion is ready and the scarecrow is working on it. Now, Uncle Sam here needs to go get ready,” Sam said and you took your daughter from him. “Hey kiddo, why don’t you go grab a granola bar from the kitchen and eat it while you wait for us to finish getting dressed?”

The little girl nodded and clamored out of your arms. Once she was gone, you started to get dressed yourself. You were grateful you had been able to find a less revealing version of your costume. Dean could be extremely jealous sometimes and he didn’t want other men looking at his wife. You understood. You didn’t want other women hitting on Dean either.

"It’s worth it,“ he said suddenly. You looked at him quizzically. "Seeing her face when she found out I agreed to go. It was worth having to go out on this insane night.” You cupped his cheek with your hand. “You are her world, Dean. Our son’s too. They miss you when you’re gone, but they never complain. When they told me the only thing they wanted was to trick-or-treat with you, I didn’t have the heart to tell them that you hate the day.”

Dean wrapped his arms around you again. “Thank you.” He rested his head on yours and nothing else needed to be said. It wasn’t easy for Dean to share feelings except with his children, so you’d learned to read Dean’s cues and in between the lines. “I love you, Dean.” His arms tightened around you.

A knock on the door broke you apart. “Mom, Dad can we go? I don’t want to miss all the good candy!” You chuckled. Just like his father. Dean’s eyes lit up. Candy. That was the only part of Halloween he liked. “We’ll be there in a minute. Go grab a quick bite. I don’t want you eating all your candy before we even get home.” Your son grumbled a bit, but you heard his steps retreating.

You and Dean finished dressing and you headed for the door. Dean stopped you by gentle grabbing your wrist. “What is it, Dean?” He stared at you for a moment before speaking. “I’ve been thinking. About cutting back on my hunting.” You looked at him in surprise. “Really?” He nodded. “Yeah. I want to spend more time with you and the kids. I’ll still hunt some, but I don’t want to be gone all the time anymore. I’m getting to old for it anyway.” You laughed. “You’re not old. But if that’s what you want.”

"It is. I’m tired of missing important days in the kids’ lives.“ You kissed him again to put his worries as ease. "I will support your decisions, Dean. I love the idea of having you home more and I know the kids will too. Now let’s get out there before they start to riot.” Dean let out a laugh and followed you out of your bedroom.

Trick-or-treating didn’t take very long. In all her excitement, your daughter had worn herself out and fell asleep in Dean’s arms. Your son ended up doing the trick-or-treating for both of them. Not that he minded. He still managed to rack up quite a good amount of candy before the night was done. But he was exhausted too and only ate a couple pieces of candy when you got back to the bunker.

Sam and Dean carried the kids to their beds and then Dean came back to you. You were checking the candy to make sure nothing was dangerous. “Babe, why don’t you go to bed. You’ve had a long day with the kids. I’ll do this and join you in a few minutes.” You smiled at him and agreed. You really were tired.

You stood, kissed Dean and headed back toward your bedroom. Then you heard Dean moan and stopped short. “Don’t you dare eat all that candy, Dean Winchester!” you scolded. “Aw, Y/N. Pretty please?” You rolled your eyes and sighed. That was Dean for you. “Save some for the kids."

(a/n: I hope you like it!)

@brewsthespirit-blog @fairytalesexistxx @aikibriarrose @jotink78 @daddy-kink-confirmed

#supernatural #spn #dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader

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blondemelon · 5 years

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life update

so lifes going okay I guess. ive been with dan for over 3 years now, and we both have good jobs. I just got a raise at work and am making almost 17 dollars an hour, that's crazy to me. danny starts his new job next week and his last day at his current job is tomorrow, technically today, and im so excited and happy for him. I’m going to take my TEA’s soon, and apply for the lpn program in the fall. we are actually getting somewhere in life. meanwhile, shawn just totaled his 4th car, an old honda civic si that was once beautiful but by the time he got his hands on it it was already a disaster car, so its probably for the better. but rip si. and the motor, ugh :( anyway, im working my ass off and trying to save for a house and also not have any mental breakdowns so we’ll see. I’m seeing a new doctor now and finally was diagnosed with abdominal migraines, so now at least I know theres a reason for my madness and im not just actually insane because for a while there I was getting pretty damn scared. I admitted myself at one point because all I wanted to do was take my entire script of Xanax and just go to sleep forever. but with a diagnoses and with the right meds, ive really been doing a whole hell of a lot better. whenever I do have panic attacks, or anytime my stomach does start to hurt, I take a Xanax or my Imitrex and then I feel fine. for an entire year I begged and pleaded to just be fine. im so thankful that it was only a year of my life but to me, it really felt like a lot longer. when youre 21 and all you wanna do is rip your hair out and live in a boiling hot bath, it seems theres not much to live for but I got through it and am here to talk about it, so I guess that's a positive way to look at it. im probably going to tag abdominal migraines in this, if anyone reading this has issues with that feel free to reach out to me because the experience of finding out that that was what was causing my pain was insane and stupid and I wish I had someone who knew anything about it to talk to during the process, but really I was alone and it sucked. my family and friends were there for me, but no one truly understood what was going on or why I was acting the way I was and to everyone else, I really did just seem to be either crazy, or coming down off of drugs and lying about it but neither of those things were true. now, I look forward to my days and am hopeful for this summer and for the rest of this year. I have my photography, I have my art, I have nature, I have my friends, and I have wonderful people surrounding me, I have nothing to dwell on because like I said, im 21, fuck. I need to be happy and live my life. this summer is going to be filled with nights where im up way too late and get way too high, nights where I go drinking with my best friend because we are both finally 21, warm sunny mornings of yoga before work, and adventurous weekends with my boyfriend and my camera. Im excited for the future. I need to be, itll be good. like everyone always says, the grass is greener on the other side. try not to think of what could be and cherish what is. anyway, we are only 4 months into this year but 2019 so far has taught me a LOT and while it’s been rough getting to where I am, im grateful for my experiences and all of the lessons ive learned from them. always rain before the rainbow.

#life #personal #21 #abdominal migraines #looking forward #find the beauty #2019 #LPN #summer #self help #self love #don't worry #be happy #fuck shit

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