#ive been creeping around the last few days trying to motivate myself

[geooooooorge]

Happy Monday December 12th, we’re halfway to Christmas Eve!! 🎄❤️

People say “Life is what happens when you least expect it.” And I always brushed that off, because while there may be moments of unexpected happenings, life goes on right? Well last week I was proven differently, as I unexpectedly got a call if I wanted to go and temporarily work at the publishing house. That wasn’t on my bingo card and it drained me. Not the work, but the fact that I had to shift my entire clock to getting up earlier and not having the amount of free time I had. I know ‘boo-hoo’ hahaha. But there is a point to this…

I’ve been filling my calendar with a bunch of social activities for the past few months. A shit ton a concerts (2023 literally almost has at least one every month), seeing movies with friends, having dinners, not sitting still. And I’ve been doing that to combat my seasonal depression. The ending of winter and winter itself are far too cold to go and be outside all the time, which means I’m prone to locking myself away and coming out of social hibernation once the sun starts shining (and funny enough the F1 season begins). And now with the disappearance of some of my free time, that prevention of seasonal depression felt under pressure.

There was a point.. and I haven’t made it yet. Gosh, don’t you ever get tired from my motivational Mondays? I mean I would get it! RIGHT THE POINT! The point I wanted to make was that I highly recommend for you to try and do social things as these days grow darker and colder. Go see a movie, go take a walk, go have dinner, do something to combat the cold feeling creeping into your soul. And most importantly do it with someone you love and want to keep in your life. Someone who warms your heart, because I promise it will make the end of the year just a tad bit more manageable.

Im really glad youre taking action and fighting your seasonal depression!! thats the way to go bestie<333

i am actually enjoying this december! apart from ignoring uni responsibilities, i just came back from a trip to belgrade, which was amazing, ive been surrounded by people this week with our department annual tea parties happening all around and im going to the theatre today with a friend, so life isnt half bad<33

#aaaaand it started snowing earlier this week!!!! so its all really exciting and pretty🥹 #babette i love you and i hope you have the best december possible<333 #anja's answer

[get-rammed]

*slides in* Hey guys. I’ve stopped being dead to bring you something no one wanted. Bitty Canine. But it’s the only project that I actually managed to finish instead of getting bored and dropping. You gotta bear with me for a bit. I haven’t been able to really draw anything I liked since I dropped off the face of the planet

Holy shit that got way longer than I meant it to. Whoops. Under a read more. Also as a general warning, this is as wall of texty as normal. Since I write with the grace of a child.

Alrighty. So this is the Canine bitty. He stands at 3 feet tall. He really doesn’t count as a bitty and a lot of places don’t sell him anymore. Thus Canine bitties are incredibly rare. There are two versions. Only way to tell the difference is if his cloak has green in it.

The one without green is an anxious mess that worries the second you leave his sight. He’s incredibly high maintenance. Picky about what he eats, and just what he does in general. He’s better suited for someone who has a lot of time and patience. He’s a good fit for couples, as he doesn’t get jealous. Plus the more people to love him, the better to him. High energy pets, children, and Bitties are definitely a no go. He needs a calm environment. You can still have all of the above, they just need to be calm around him. You really don’t want to startle or horribly upset a Canine bitty. More on that later. He can do everything he needs to himself. But will often go to you because he loves the attention. He’s a bit of a clean freak, so your house will be constantly cleaned. If you have pets, there’s a good chance you’re coming home to them shaved. Why wait for them to get everything dirty with their hair, when you can just be rid of the problem. He’s pretty skittish. Won’t stay out to greet guests, unless he’s meet them a few times. If you’re not home, he’ll stick to himself. Probably crying waiting for you to come home. Other times he’ll clean or if he’s really attached to you, he’ll show up where ever you are. If you want to ensure the latter not happening, you have to get a parental bitty. They’ll make sure he stays busy and doesn’t show up at your job. He won’t really take care of others, but he won’t hurt them either. He’ll make sure you’re okay, but won’t really go out of his way to ensure you’re doing everything you should be.

The one with green is a polar opposite to greenless. He is rather hostile. A lot closer to his normal self. This Canine is for someone who has a lot of patience and can withstand bites and cuts. He’s resistant to change and takes a while to warm up to his new owner. He will be all sorts of growly when first meeting them, trying to scare them off. He likes it at the shelter, it’s all he knows. He’s not going to want to leave it easily. He will not allow you to do anything for him when first meeting, it’ll take a good half year before he’ll allow you to do things for him. So food time is a mess. He won’t tell you what he wants, so he’ll raid your kitchen. If the kind of meat isn’t there that he wants, he’ll throw a fit and wreck your kitchen. Each Canine varies on what he’ll eat, so you can’t just look it up. Plus not a lot of people have owned Canines that actually cared for them, more on that later. Best to just get everything see what he’ll eat, what ever he doesn’t eat, I’m sure someone else will eat. It’s very easy to break his trust, so always do as you say you will when it comes to him. Unlike greenless, he’s incredibly jealous. Won’t stand for your attention being divided to another human or normal monster. He holds a lot of power, so do be careful and don’t push your luck. He can fuck you up if he’s mad enough. Can’t kill you, but can bust your nose and limbs. How lovely. He can stand other Bitties, if they’ll bow out of his way when he wants attention that is. Doesn’t play well with other aggressive Bitties. He will always win the fight. So just stick to nicer Bitties if you want to keep them alive. Do stay away from Bitties that are whiners or need a lot attention. Canine will annihilate them within seconds of meeting them. Children and pets are probably not a great idea. He won’t kill the kids, but he won’t hesitate to bite or scratch them. Pets he will hurt, or possibly kill. When he finally gets attached, he’ll be a little clingier. Wanting to be by you when you’re home, not afraid to shove anyone else out of his way. When you’re gone he’ll probably just go for walks and attack local animals. Getting a Cherryboy will be good to keep Canine from wondering. Will also help tame him when he gets too aggressive. A gentle rib cracking kick from Cherry will get Canine to back off. cherryboy is literally less than half canines height so this amuses me Unlike greenless, he’ll actually make sure you’re okay and doing what you need to. Even when first meeting him, he’ll watch what you do. So if one morning you don’t take your meds, he’ll gruffly remind you. 

Canines heats aren’t that bad. He does get a little bigger, only standing at seven feet when in heat. Yeah, only a little bigger. Depending on type and attachment will change how his heat is. Greenless is a total sub and wants you to fuck him no matter on attachment level. Green not so much. He’s a full on dom. When he doesn’t trust you, he’ll probably hole up in your attach or shed. When he trusts you, he’ll hole up under your bed. If he loves you, then he’ll pin you and fuck you hard. Because he can do that now and he’s going to do it every chance he gets. Luckily they only last a few days, not a whole month. Also doesn’t really change his aggression level. He just wants to smash.

There’s a good reason a lot of places stopped creating (breeding? how the fuck does this work??) Canines. They’re heavily sought after for their willingness to do anything for their owner. Which includes winning in fighting rings. Canines when they set their minds to something, completely shut everything out. They hone their skills as a hunter and take out what or who ever was placed in front of them. Their size often gives them huge advantages. Other owners just piss their Canine off. Don’t feed him, throw him around. Really get the rage building then toss him in. Why get him to like him when getting him to hate you and still do what you want is so much easier. As long as he takes down what ever’s in front of him that’s all that matters. People often pit large animals, mostly large dogs, against their Canine just to rake in money. Knowing full well that the animal would not be the one walking away. The only one a Canine can’t take out is a Cherryboy, but no one can touch Cherryboy even in a regular universe. So it’s no different here. Even greenless Canines can win a fight, but it takes a bit of actual care from the owner for that. Which is fucked up. Bitty shop owners were horrified to learn where most Canines ended up. So they stopped selling them horrified of them being bought just to be shoved into squalor. So very few still sell them. A few have been rescued from fighting rings, but generally are pretty depressed or just straight hostile. They could warm to you, but that’d take years. When Canines form bonds, they’re deep strong and hard to forget. Even if they were disgusting and harmful to them.

Which reminds me. Do not get a Ripperboy bitty when housing any Canine bitty. Ripperboy is not kind to his brother in the normal universe, Bittyverse is less kind. Every Canine is created with the memories of how shitty Ripperboy is. He’ll push to get Canine to kill himself. Telling him how disgusting and problematic he is. Do everything to get rid of Canine. Depending on which it is, will change how they react. Greenless Canine will probably do it. His brothers words hurt. Green Canine is just going to rip Ripperboy apart. He’s had enough of the abuse. But killing him didn’t bring the satisfaction he thought it would. Leaving him kinda empty and a little colder towards you.

General notes

  - The inside of his cloak looks like shitty nebula's. They shift and move, swirling and sparkling. Speaking of his cloak. 

 - For the love of the stars do not touch Canines cloak without asking. If you see it sitting out, leave it. He will know you touched it and will be royally pissed. Like bust your nose pissed. He will magically grab your hair and smash your face into the nearest surface. It’s going to hurt. This goes for both variations of Canine. Not even shop owners know why Canine is so protective of it. Some say touching the inside will bring you where it shows you, space. Others say it leads to the void they hear their Bitties talk about. Some say it’s where he stores the things he deeply cares for and doesn’t want anyone else to touch. A kind of sub space compartment if you will. No one really knows, and he’s not sharing his knowledge on it. 

 - Upsetting a Canine could result in you missing a limb. If he gets mad enough he will attack you if you get too close. He won’t hold back when furious. Not afraid to bite even if he’s not that mad. His temper tantrums could easily cost you a lot of money on new furniture and hospital bills. If you startle him, he might attempt to bite you. Just as a fear reflex.

 - Canines left hand is robotic. It’s not known why, but the creation process messed up and left it missing. So the shop owners just created little robotic hands for them. Having an Beastswap Undyne Bitty is a good idea. She’ll be able to keep maintenance up on the hand. Plus Canine just likes having her around.

 - Canines are just missing a spinal piece. Why? I don’t know. Because they can. its because thats just how i drew him at first and decided fuck it

#sorry i kinda died on you guys lol #ive been creeping around the last few days trying to motivate myself #i finally sorta did #yay #sorta #my art #sfw #canine #beastswap #bitty canine #bittybones #long post #like holy fuck #im also laughing because i imagine selling a canine #the sona i use ramschadel shes only 4 feet tall #this little shits trying to sell you a different little shit #also the robot hand thing... #yeahitstotallyonpurposeandnotbecauseicouldntdrawtheotherhand #bittyboys #bitty boys #bittybeasts

[askjennie]

1/5 i had my first anxiety attack a couple of months ago and it was horrible i literally thought i was gonna die. i was very stressed bc of school back then. i only had two attacks after that but now, even if im not stressed anymore and even if school is almost over i still feel stressed and anxious. its soon summer break and im gonna be so lonely bc i dont have any friends. my 18th birthday is gonna suck and even if i dont like being all alone, i dont want to go back to school either.

Continued: 2/5 i try to be positive and distract myself, doing things like drawing, playing piano, doing my make up etc. but i still feel anxious, like its creeping behind my back and im worried i will explode soon. i dont know what to do. how should i handle this? i’ve been alone many summers before and even if i’ve felt bad about it, i’ve never really felt this anxious about it. it feels like some sort of monster3/5 and if i let it come to me all these negative thoughts will attack me all at once and i’ll be super depressed, sad, feel like there’s no point in anything, my chest will hurt, i’ll have trouble sleeping/relaxing, lose all my routines, literally not do ANYTHING and i REALLY dont want that to happen again bc ive already been through that one time and it was SHIT and i was so exhausted and dead afterwards and im so scared of that happening again. im scared of these feelings. they’re scary!!4/5 i just want to have a fun summer before hell aka school starts again. i want to relax and enjoy it. but these “im so lonely” and “no one wants to be with me” feelings are stopping me :( why am i so afraid of being alone? im SO tired of being the only one giving so i broke up with the few friends i had, bc they made me feel like shit and i thought i was strong enough to be on my own but i guess im not and now the last summer break i’ll ever and my 18th b-day is gonna be shit5/5 i dont know what to do. i DONT WANT this summer to be me laying in bed every day, eating fast food, watching series i dont even like, sleeping through my anxiety and be ugly and disgusting and sweaty and stuff like that. i want to have self control but i feel like im starting to lose it and SUMMER BREAK HASNT EVEN STARTED YET how am i going to get through this? :( ive thought about talking to a therapist but one’ll have to wait so long and im just tired i want to sleep all day but no i dont 

Jennie: This probably isn’t going to be the best summer you ever have, and it doesn’t have to be. Let’s use that as a starting point. This probably isn’t going to be an amazing exciting summer full of BFFs and romance and drama, like a teenage summer from a movie, but that’s okay. You have plenty of time for all those things, and there’s no rush. Use this summer as an opportunity to take a break, look after yourself, and plan for the next year.

If you’re feeling anxious and depressed, and it’s getting in the way of your day-to-day life, I think you should definitely talk to a therapist. You may have to wait a while if there’s a waiting list, but if this isn’t going away on its own, isn’t it worth getting started on seeking help now? You could talk to your doctor, or contact mental health services, charities or therapists in your area. You’ve got time to do some research and explore your options. Exploring ways of looking after your mental health could be your project for the summer.

It might also be useful to look into self help resources in the meantime, if you’re not able to speak to a mental health professional straight away. There are cognitive behavioural therapy workbooks that can teach you similar techniques that you could learn from a therapist, apps that can help you manage your mental health, and helplines for if you’re having a crisis or just need to talk to someone. Try some different things, and find out what is helpful for you.

If you don’t want to lie in bed for the whole summer, then try to get out of the house regularly, even if it’s just for a walk around the block. If you have hobbies like drawing or playing piano, try to work on them a little every day, or a few times a week. Create a routine for yourself, so even though you’re not at school, you still have things to get up and do.

It’s not compulsory - it’s okay to spend time on your own - but if you’d like to find some new friends, maybe you should look for opportunities to meet new people. Maybe there’s a club or class in your community you could join, or maybe there’s some volunteer work you could get involved in. Find out what’s going on in your area this summer, and see if there’s anything you might be interested in. This might be difficult if you’re feeling anxious or depressed, but maybe getting to the point where you feel able to go and try something new could be a goal you set for yourself, to motivate you to take care of your mental health.

There are lots of things you can do for yourself this summer. It’s an opportunity to take some time out and focus on what you need, so, take that opportunity.

#advice #ask me anything #anxiety #summer break #summer #mental health #advice blog #advice column #askjennie

[ecotone99]

[SF] Decimation

We'd lost contact with each other for a long time and it just so happened that he'd stopped in town and looked me up. Turns out he was staying at a hotel right around the corner from my place. We both picked out a bistro just around the corner, one of those places with the chairs and tables outside. I'd never had the urge to go to the place, I'm not sure why, it might have been that I didn't have many friends in the area, I just recently was a transplant to the area.

Around noon I headed out, walked down several flights of stairs and out onto sunny, windy road. Traffic was about normal, nothing out of the ordinary. The familiar smell of trash day was in the air, and the distant sound of the garbage trucks moving about could be heard. The entrance to my place was on a side road, the landlord had rolled the dumpster far to close to door and the combination of rotting food almost made me gag. I made a mental note to put in a complaint the moment I came back. I reached into my breast pocket and fished out my last cigarette and my lighter, I had to dull my sense of smell after the shock to my nasal cavity.

I took one deep drag, then promptly turned and headed up toward 7th Street.

I wondered what he'd been up to since I left home. Last I heard he was involved with some government branch. Must be nice, I thought to myself, here I am stuck in a new town, in a dead end job. No friends, no family nearby, just the same thing every day. I lifted my head just in time to notice I had almost stepped right on some poor homeless woman's feet. I met eyes with her. I had seen her many times, a few times we shared a quick nod, others a wave. I never bothered to ask her name or do anything nice for her, even though I felt sorry for her. I waved at her while my hand was still in the pocket of my jacket, it made me feel awkward. As I turned to face toward my destination I returned back to my thoughts, realizing that being here was making me miserable. I was lacking motivation to get myself out of town, maybe jump coasts, maybe go back home or at the very least, make some friends. I was lonely.

I came up on the bistro, my friend was already seated. He was wearing a very sharp looking suit, what you would expect a government kind of man to wear. Those cliche'd glasses, and tapping away on his cell phone madly. He's eyebrows went up and down as if he was trying to be dramatic to whom ever he was responding to. I sat down and he immediately looked up, smiled then put his cell phone in his breast pocket.

"Long time John! How've you been? You look like crap." he said.

Way to start this off Jerod, you wank. "I've been better, been home recently? How's your sister?"

"Please don't start on my sister already, you had your chance, get on with it. Hey, do you mind if we order? I've got this thing...", he nervously responded.

"Sure, why not. What have you been doing anyhow?" I said while glancing at a menu that was horribly unappetizing. Who puts kale on a burger, I thought to myself.

"It's boring. Mostly dealing with fires, a big one today in fact." He said while glancing at his phone again and drifting off.

The waiter came and took our order. Jerod ordered that god awful sounding burger. I opted for a Bloody Mary. Jerod barely lifted his head from his phone. He had lifted his glasses up onto his forehead and I could see a combination of concern and anger. He was letting out large breaths through his nostrils and you could see them flair during each breath.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. It had a giant crack on it from when I used to keep it in my back pocket. I had sad down on it, the same day I got the damned thing. It still worked, but scrolling on it was a difficult. Every time I opened a web page or any social media I typically didn't bother scrolling, just looked at the top and made my guesses. Nope, no messages, no surprises there. News was saying something about an event in New York, so what else is new, probably another political related story. Facebook, oh fun, an old acquaintance posted yet another memory about her kid. Jerod had put away his phone again and was looking right at me.

"So seriously John, tell me about what you've been up to." He belted out. He was never one to be interested, but I will play along.

I started to respond and one of the garbage trucks came rolling up nearby us, it made a hissing noise as it stopped beside us briefly, then rolled on back behind me. My mouth was still open as if I was trying to talk and nothing would come out, just waiting for the noise to die down long enough for me to respond.

Jerod had already pulled back out his phone. This time however, he was turning white while reading. He dropped his phone and it all started...

Behind me I heard the trash truck run into some cars, the crunching noise split through air, like nails on a chalkboard. I turned to look and only saw people in shock, some not even looking toward the accident. I started to hear screams from the opposite direction, so I whipped my head around just in time to have something fly in my face and in my mouth. I instinctively closed my eyes and started swatting, it was awful, like saw dust. I wiped several times until what ever it was had gotten thoroughly evacuated. Then refocused on the screams. There was a pale grey looking wisp in the air, moving gracefully with the wind between the buildings. I could hear a young child crying now, I focused and saw a little girl, not more than five. Just standing there, tears pouring down her face, her head facing upward. I then was hit in the face again by the same substance this time from the direction of the bistro entrance. I closed my eyes again and wiped away. I grabbed the edge of my jacket and furiously brushed my face off again. Then looked up. No, Jerod. His phone was still there.

The same grayish wisps were blowing out from inside the bistro and I could hear one of the waiters shouting something in some other language. They were clearly panicked, all the commotion started to panic me as well. I could feel familiar anxiety creeping its way up.

I refocused back toward Jerod, forgetting his absence for a moment. The table was completely covered in what I could only describe as ash, his phone was still on, text messages rapidly jumping onto his screen, one after another after another, all from the same person. I was in shock, what just happened? What was going on? The texts kept pour in.

RESPOND!

DC RPT CAT LOSS

BR MI5 NO RESP

CN SAT GONE

EU NIL

AI FAIL

RESPOND GOD DAMNIT!

...

I snatch up the phone and started typing. "Jerod is gone wtf is going on!". The response disappeared.

The sun started to slightly dim. I looked up and saw the same wisps high above the ground, it looked like black smoke. There was just so much of it.

I glanced back at the phone, a response appeared again. I got up and started heading back to my place. I was so confused, my heart was racing. I walked past the little girl, still crying, covered in the same ash I had been hit with twice. She looked up at me but I kept walking, I had no idea what to do. The response on the phone had now disappeared and reappeared several times. I came up on my turn back to my place, the homeless woman was still there, very disturbed, she glanced at me and reached out. I pulled back and almost fell into the street, I dropped the phone in the process. You've got to me kidding me. It slid across the street and stopped in a pile of ash, next to it a street cart hot dog half eaten, face down. Please don't be broken, I thought.

I picked it up and turned it over, oh thank fuck. A response had finally come.

Who tf is this? How do you have his phone?

All of that just for this response? You are shitting me, right?

The homeless woman had come over to me, she put her hand on my shoulder. Her words were cold, "Are you real?" That put me into full blown panic, I about threw up immediately. I started to hyperventilate, I just could not stop. I looked at her and ran at full speed toward the door to my place. My chest was burning, my mind was racing. I reached into my pocket to get my keys as I arrived at the door, in the process I accidentally hit the power button on Jerod's phone. How much worst could this get? I answered my question about half a second later as I collided with the dumpster and everything went dark.

When I finally opened my eyes, I was laying in a bed. My head was killing me, my clothes were gone, and I was hooked up to an IV.

I focused in on a TV on the far wall. The screen was just showing video from New York, fires, looters, just chaos.

The crawl read; DECIMATION

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#Blogger #Story

[spraffin]

a good day in granton felt like

It’s five am when I wake up. Five thirty if I’m especially sad. The alarm jangles and shakes me, and I fumble for the light switch above my head. When I’ve climbed to my feet, I throw on clothes under the harsh white light, which doesn’t quite dissipate the darkness from outside, without looking in the mirror. I’m wearing leggings and my big red tshirt, something that drowns me and makes me feel even smaller. My bones hurt. I sneak to the dark kitchen to fill my water bottle. The lino floor is solid and reassuring underneath my socks and the fridge stinks of Alice’s ham. Wine glasses and unwashed plates litter the table, none of them mine. I don’t bother to turn any of the lights on; I feel like the bunch of bananas I bought two weeks ago, the last time I shopped for food, is staring reproachfully at me. The open fridge glares into my face and I grab my lunch box from the shelf. I escape the flat in silence ten minutes after leaving my bed, bundling myself down the stairs and out of the door, my key cold in my fist.

The sunrise creeps up behind me as I walk down the long long Granton road south. My legs hurt so much, but I stomp through the forest trail in silence, because my walk to class is the only time my head feels busy enough to let me breathe. I can see the flowers, and the sun dripping through the leafless trees, and the autumn dust spilling across the path. I stop an hour in to get water. At some point between the edge of the woods and the gates of the private school grounds I have to pass through, the endorphins kick me in the teeth. Feels good. Maybe I’m not sick at all.

Sighthill is a crumbling mess. The Heriot-Watt building that my classes are held in is plonked incongruously in the middle of an industrial estate. I stride past swarms of schoolkids and commuters. It is half past eight. The sun is halfway up. I’m sweating, and the hour or so of fitful sleep I managed last night is an elevator door closing fast on my mood, but I’ve opened a can of some kind of energy drink and I’m gulping it as I walk. I’m hopeful it’ll beat the anxiety into my control, so that I can widen my eyes and stare at the board in chem lab and think too fast for the sadness to keep up.

Half an hour later I’m forcing my aching legs up seven flights of stairs. I don’t take the lift anymore. The mirror that lines the back wall frightens me. I look so thin and ashy, like I’m already dead. I can see the glands in my neck protruding, my collar bones like scalpels even through my baggy shirt, my cheeks hollow. It’s better to climb.

Noelia is standing in the corridor outside our lab already, her books wrapped in her arms, stacked solidly against her chest. She greets me in her sing-song Canarian accent and rolls her eyes at my messy hair and my hands, which are already trembling from the caffeine. Our tutor, Val, storms along the hall, a five-foot-nothing vision in a lab coat and crocs, white hair on end, face pink and smiling as she swings her keychain menacingly like a pair of nunchucks.

She unlocks the door and we pile into the room, me and Noelia favouring the lab stools at the back, behind Dale and Charlotte and James. Our friends. It’s a Wednesday, and the most boring class on our timetable - Laboratory Techniques. Val yawns her way through a powerpoint about health and safety and PPE, snacking on Tangfastics as she goes, slugging coke from a bottle that she stows carefully out of sight lest one of the stricter lecturers should pop their balding heads around the door.

We perk up towards the end of class when Val shows us, for the millionth time, the scar in the middle of her left hand, which she impaled on a broken glass pipette. Everyone rolls their eyes and grins as she tells us that it’s the mark of a true chemist. I’m not really worried about being a true chemist, I think as I scribble down the homework and try to make a study plan for the afternoon.

On Wednesdays, the class has orientation sessions for the remainder of the day, and because I already have a place at university, I’m not required to go. I wander to the tram stop and wave my student card at the barrier. It beeps contentedly, and I board the tram towards Princes Street. I get off in the west end so that I can walk to the library on George IV bridge, where Catriona is meeting me in an hour. In the silent reading room, which is how I always pictured the exam hall at Hogwarts, I study hard. I am so focussed and motivated. My phone lies abandoned next to me and I tear through my pamphlet of notes. I’m studying organic chem, bio, and maths. When Catriona arrives we work harder, our reading punctuated by the occasional whisper or giggle.

The library closes at eight pm, and I try to work for as long as possible, but the hunger pangs are getting harder to ignore, and so is the mounting anxiety, so just after seven I hug Catriona goodbye at the bus stop and find the neglected lunch I shoved into my bag this morning. It’s a tortilla wrap with a tablespoon of peanut butter and a handful of spinach, and I eat it slowly, like it might bite me back. I sit on the top deck of the bus and check my messages. My flatmates are asking where I am, when I’ll be home, can I pick up binbags on my way. Nervously, I try to make a joke in the groupchat, and of course no one replies. I close my eyes so I don’t have to watch Edinburgh sliding past me. It’s pitch black already and a crack in the bus window blows cool air onto my face, colliding with warm tears. After a few minutes I open the messages from my friends, and feel a little warmer, although no less afraid.

The bus pulls into Granton after nearly an hour, and I try to collect myself, scuttling down the stairs and into the bright shelter of Morrisons. I swerve away from the food aisles, and pick up binbags, a bottle of water, and a soft, pink towel. My head spins as I pay. I feel unsteady.

The lift seems to be closing in around me. The floor is tacky and dirty as I press the red number three, shutting my eyes tight and shaking my head like I’m a horse clearing flies. A ping, and I’m here. I brandish my key and let myself into Flat 22, breathing in hard and readying myself for the noise.

“Thalia!” Alice shrieks from the kitchen, and I kick my bedroom door open and dump my shopping on my way. I toss the binbags into the cupboard under the sink, saying some kind of greeting sleepily and hoping the eyes fixed on me will dart away quickly. Alice is here, and Anna, and Maddy, Holly, Rory. Maddy is pinch-faced over a curry, holding a glass of wine. Holly sits on the sofa in her pyjamas on her laptop, headphones on, smiling up at me but continuing to type furiously. Anna is slumped at the table on her phone between Rory and Maddy, and Alice stands in the middle of the rug in her shiny new Vans, her keys and cigarettes in one hand and a juice box in the other.

“You’ve been out for ages! How was your day?” asks Maddy, and of course I barely say a thing. She tells me about hers and she and Rory laugh at a joke I don’t understand. Alice spraffs some gossip to me about people she knows at work, talking very fast. She’s eaten my peppers again, she broke my plate, Nina almost got fired today, it was so funny, she’s going to Hive tonight, she thinks Holly should come too, Holly’s being a bore.

“Did you eat yet?” Rory asks, gesturing to the cold chips left untouched on his plate. I smile my thanks but don’t take them, making myself a cup of tea so that I can turn away from everyone. Alice turns up her music again. After ten minutes I feign a yawn and say I’m going for a shower, and then I can run away to my room.

I lock the door out of habit - Alice often won’t leave me alone in the night - and collapse onto my bed. I pour half the hot tea down the sink and top it off with vodka. I peel my clothes off and open my laptop, let an episode of Gilmore Girls play. I let the bathroom steam up before clambering into the shower. My whole body aches and shakes, bruises blooming up my thighs, which are so much smaller than I’m accustomed to now. I catch sight of my spine before the mirror fogs, and my first thought is that it looks like the pier at Havre des Pas - narrow, curved, columns jutting through my skin. I let the muddy-smelling water gush over my face. I step out just before the shower basin overflows, and bury my face in the new pink towel. I bought it because I’m very low on money, and it was cheaper to buy a towel than to put a wash on.

My wrists itch as I slide into bed, damp and cold and too sad to care. I feel as if I am crumbling from the inside out. I watch Gilmore Girls with unfocussed eyes. I shiver not from the cold, but from the sheer weight of my loneliness. My irrational, unprecedented loneliness. I turn the volume down, so paranoid, so scared to make any semblance of noise anywhere in this flat. When Alice bangs on my door I hide underneath my duvet and turn the light off. I drink until I fall asleep.

#jesus this was cathartic