#askjennie

[askjennie]

What do you think is the most important thing in a relationship? Best piece of relationship advice? Tips for maintaining a healthy and long lasting relationships (platonic and romantic)? Thanks!

Here are the qualities that I think are important in a healthy relationship (this is about romantic relationships, but everything but sexual compatibility can be relevant to platonic relationships as well):

Respect. Probably the most essential factor in a healthy relationship is that you respect each other as human beings and as equals, that you care about each other’s thoughts and feelings and opinions, and you don’t want to harm each other.

Trust. You need to be able to trust what your partner says, and not be constantly worried that they’re lying to you. You need to be able to trust that your partner will do what they say they’re going to do, and will be where they say they’re going to be when they say they’re going to be there. And you need to be able to trust that your partner isn’t going to cheat on you - even if they’re out with friends without you, even if you’re long distance, even if they spend time with other people who are a gender they’re attracted to.

Honesty. Obviously, without this, it’s going to be difficult to have trust in your relationship. In order to trust what each other says, you need to be honest with each other, and not lie to each other.

Communication. If things are bothering you, talk about it. If things are good, talk about it (e.g. if your partner did something that you appreciated, tell them, so they know to keep doing that thing). If there’s an issue in your relationship, it’s not going to be solved by being passive-aggressive, or avoiding each other, or not saying anything because you’re scared the other person will get mad. You should both feel safe and secure enough to express when something has upset you, without feeling like the other person is going to immediately dump you (or become aggressive towards you) for trying to talk about it.

Physical/sexual compatibility. This is something that some people will say doesn’t matter, but if you’re in a relationship that is or may become a sexual relationship, I think it’s important to make sure you’re both on the same page. If one of you wants to have sex, make sure the other person does as well before anything happens. If one of you isn’t ready to have sex, make sure the other person is happy to wait. If one of you doesn’t want to have sex at all, make sure the other person is happy staying in a relationship without having sex. Make sure you both understand what kinds of sex you each enjoy and don’t enjoy, and that you’re both happy with that. Make sure you feel able to communicate openly with each other about sex, and that you respect each other’s boundaries.

Actually enjoying each other’s company. Make sure you actually like spending time together! It’s weird how many people seem to complain about their significant other, like it’s a chore to see them (like stereotypical groups of men talking about how glad they are to escape from their wives in the pub or on a golf course). The whole point of a relationship is that you like hanging out together.

Actually wanting to be in a relationship. Sometimes you get along great with someone, and care about each other a lot, but there’s just no romantic chemistry, or there is and then it fades, and that’s okay. Sometimes you’re in a great relationship, but you feel like you want to be single for whatever reason, and that’s okay. Even if it seems like you’re doing all the right things, a relationship isn’t going to last unless both people actually want to be in a relationship with each other, and it’s okay to admit it if you don’t.

#advice #ask me anything #relationship advice #healthy relationships #relationships #advice blog #askjennie

[a-legend-still-lives]

(Closed RP with ask-jennie)

@ask-jennie

“ Yes we are. Open your eyes.” She replies to her with a smile. As a door opens nearby with a small hiss. A scientist came over with a smile.” So you managed to find someone that might be helping around with us. Welcome to the BFAR station. Name please?” He asked Jennie, holding up a clipboard and pen.

#closedrp #askjennie

[askjennie]

I recently left a toxic friendship and now I don't have any friends. I'm in my last year of high school and so everyone already has a group that they hang out with. I don't really want to intrude on other people's groups but I also don't want to be alone until I leave school. Could you give me any advice on making friends?

I’ve answered a lot of questions about making friends in the past - here are some posts you might find useful: 

“How to meet new people?”

“How to move from acquaintances to friends?”

“How to get closer to friends who are already in a tight-knit group?”

“How to make friends when you have social anxiety?”

The Journals Out Loud “how to make friends!” episode

@collegecoward‘s advice for making friends at school

#advice #ask me anything #how to make friends #making friends #friendship #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

Hello, I grew up in a highly homophobic catholic area. I thought I had grown out of their mindset toward homosexuals. However recently I have made a friend that is a lesbian when I found out I was uneasy with it. Now she continuously mentions she likes girls and explicitly talks about stuff to me. Unfortunately I can’t help but feel disgusted and uncomfortable with it and her. I feel I am still homophobic and I can’t change, what can I do? She is nice and I don’t want to her her feelings.

It does sound like you’re still homophobic, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change. It’s easy to say “oh, I’m not prejudiced like that any more” until you’re actually confronted with the thing you thought you weren’t prejudiced about. This is a real challenge to your previous beliefs and thoughts surrounding homosexuality, and it’s okay to find it challenging - as long as you don’t just give up and say “guess I’ll have to be disgusted by gay people forever, then”. Use this as an opportunity to do some self-reflection, and to start reframing your thoughts to something less prejudiced and more realistic.

First bit of reframing: just because something makes you personally feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean that it inherently disgusting and shameful and wrong. I think it can be pretty instinctive to think “ew, I’m feeling grossed out at the thought of that, so anyone who likes it must be gross”, but in reality, someone can do something that you personally wouldn’t like to do without becoming a disgusting person. I feel grossed out by fake nails, but that doesn’t mean every person who wears fake nails should be ashamed and disgusted with themselves! Sometimes it’s important to remember that your own instinctive “gross!” response isn’t always an accurate way to tell right from wrong. So, next time you find yourself feeling disgusted, it’s okay to say to yourself “I’m experiencing feeling disgusted, but that doesn’t mean that this has to be disgusting to everyone”. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘explicitly’, but if there’s some stuff that you feel is too personal to talk about generally, it is okay to say so. If she’s telling you graphic details about her sex life, and you’d feel uncomfortable with that even if she was talking about a male partner, it’s okay to say “TMI! I don’t want to hear those details, let’s talk about something else”. But if she’s just telling you stuff like “I went on a date last night” or “I kissed Sally for the first time!” or “I don’t know how Jane feels about me, do you have any advice?”… That’s not 'explicit’, that’s just normal stuff that you might mention to your friends. There’s another thought that you might need to reframe: the belief that some people have that gay relationships are inherently more sexual and explicit than straight relationships. If you would be okay with her telling you a certain detail about her relationship with a man, but you’re not okay with her telling you because it’s about a woman, it’s probably not an inappropriate comment, and it’s not appropriate to ask her to stop talking about it.It might feel like she’s mentioning that she likes girls all the time, but is it actually an unusual amount, or is it just that you’re not used to hearing a girl talk about liking girls? We tend to take it for granted that women spend a lot of time talking about their relationships with men, but then if someone talks about a kind of relationship you’re not used to, it can seem like a lot because you notice it more. Dating talk can get to a point where it becomes annoying and you can’t talk about anything else, so it is possible that she talks about relationships too much for your taste. If so, it’s okay to say “we’ve talked a lot about dating, what else is going on with you?” or “so, moving on from dating talk, here’s what’s happening in my life...”. But again, if you would be okay with a straight friend talking about men a lot, and you’re only concerned about it because she’s talking about women, it’s not appropriate to ask her to stop.

Ultimately, you probably won’t be able to change overnight, and if you don’t feel able to treat this friend and her relationships with respect, maybe you need to give her some space. You don’t want to hurt her feelings, but if you feel like you’re going to say something that is going to hurt her feelings, maybe now isn’t the right time to be close to this person. Whether you decide to stay friends or not, it sounds like you need to make time for some self-reflection, some analysis of your beliefs, and some relearning how to think about and treat people. It sounds like you rationally know that there’s nothing wrong with your friend dating girls, so, try to figure out where those feelings of disgust and uneasiness are coming from, so that you can figure out how to reduce them.

#advice #ask me anything #homophobic #homophobia #lesbian #sexuality #friendship #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

Hey, how come I always have my dreams at school? They seem normal but they seem like nightmares to me. Like nothing scary happens, it's just I hate being at school bc I always feel like I'm making things awkward. But I've been CONSTANTLY getting dreams at school and I don't know how to stop them and how can I in real life prevent these thoughts from becoming my nightmares?

Dreams are made up of the experiences and thoughts you have during the day, so if you spend a lot of time at school (as most people who go to school do), and you spend a lot of time thinking about the fears you have about being at school, it makes sense that most of your dreams are going to be vaguely scary school dreams. It’s not that your school is magically following you into your subconscious to scare you, it’s just that it’s on your mind a lot, and your dreams are made of whatever is on your mind!

There are a few suggestions I can make that may or may not help:

Get into the habit of writing in a journal before bed, to sort out your thoughts about the day before your subconscious has a chance to do it for you. 

Do things unrelated to school in the couple of hours before you go to bed. If you normally spend the time before you sleep doing schoolwork or worrying about school, try to make your bedtime routine more relaxing. Read a book, watch your favourite tv show, meditate, listen to music or an audiobook, write something, whatever takes your mind off of school stress and allows you to focus your mind somewhere else. 

If you feel like all you do is go to school, plan more activities for evenings and weekends so your brain has more material to turn into dreams.

Consider learning about lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming is the ability to be aware that you’re dreaming while you’re in a dream, and potentially control what happens in your dreams. This video contains some advice on how to get started:

Finally, if you’re struggling with stress or anxiety about school, you might find some of these self-help resources useful. Learning to manage your thoughts and feelings about school might help you to learn to manage your dreams about school as well.

#advice #ask me anything #dreams #lucid dreaming #nightmares #school #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

(F/21) How do I let my toxic, overbearing mother know I'm moving out with my boyfriend? I'm set to move out in January of next year, and as I'm legally an adult, she cannot stop me. Still, there will be repercussions, backlash, and negativity. How do I tackle this?

If there will be repercussions, backlash and negativity, don’t try to prevent it. Accept that it will happen, and let it happen. Part of managing a relationship with a toxic family member is to learn to stop taking responsibility for their behaviour, and focus on your own. You can’t control how your mother responds; all you can control is how you respond and take care of yourself, knowing that she is going to be aggressive and negative towards you.

There’s no easy way to tell her that will avoid backlash, so the best thing to do is just to say “I have something I need to tell you: I’m moving in with Boyfriend on this date”. If you can have someone with you, like your boyfriend, or a friend, witnesses might help avoid a little drama initially. It might also be a good idea to have somewhere to go soon afterwards; not immediately afterwards (so you have time to talk about the details), but soon afterwards, so if you’re trapped in a “how could you do this to me??” cycle, you have an excuse to leave the situation. And remember to try to present this as a positive thing! If you go into the conversation with a “I’m so sorry you’re going to be so angry but I just have to tell you this thing even though it’s going to break your heart”, your mother has an immediate excuse to pick negative holes in everything. If you start with “hey, exciting news, me and Boyfriend are moving in together! I know it might be a bit of a shock, but I really think this is the right decision for me”, your attitude shows that you are sure of your decision, and less likely to be persuaded to stay. 

If she’s upset, or angry, or guilt-tripping, let her be. It’s not your job to manage her emotions or behaviour. If you need to avoid spending much time with her, then avoid spending much time with her. Spend time out of the house, with friends, with other less toxic family, with your boyfriend, at work, at school, at hobbies, in libraries, in cafes, at the gym, going for long walks, as much as you can, and keep yourself busy planning for your move. Difficult relationships with family tend to become easier to manage when you’re no longer living together, so although this part might be really hard, you might feel more confident in handling your relationship with your mother once you don’t have to live with her.

#advice #ask me anything #toxic #toxic parent #moving out #family #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

Hi! my friend has been acting very distant lately and she seems upset with me. This isn't the first time she's gotten randomly mad at me without explaining or confronting me about it. It makes me feel so bad because I always feel like this friend who always makes mistakes and hurts her but I don't even know what I'm doing to upset her because when I review my behaviour nothing seems wrong to me and when I ask her she doesn't say anything. I don't know if I'm being blind to my bad behaviour P1

Continued: or what. Eventually these problems regularly get swept under the rug with her just “getting over it” causing unneeded tension in our friendship. I just don’t know what to do… P2

Jennie: Maybe you are doing something that upsets her, but if it’s not something that you can obviously think of (like, you punched her in the face recently), it’s really her responsibility to communicate with you about whatever is upsetting her. If she’d rather act mad at you and distant than actually talk to you about what’s wrong, she’s the one being a bad friend, not you. You’re not a mind reader, so if you don’t know why she’s upset, that’s not your fault. You could try talking to her honestly, and saying something like “if you’re upset with me, please tell me what you’re upset about, so that I can do something about it. It’s stressful for me when you act mad at me and I don’t know why, and I think we’ll both feel better if we can be honest with each other”. But if she doesn’t get the message, you may want to consider distancing yourself from her - not because you’re mad at her, but because it’s difficult to be friends with someone whose behaviour constantly makes you feel tense and guilty. Maybe it’s time to stop focusing on how your behaviour is affecting her, and start focusing on how her behaviour is affecting you. Take steps to take care of yourself.

#advice #ask me anything #bad behaviour #tension #bad friend #friendship #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

So I recently started using dating apps because I want to meet somebody and have had absolutely no luck meeting someone in person. My main problem is that I feel like I have no idea how to start conversations that will actually lead to something. I constantly hear about how my friends went on dates with guys they talked to and I feel bad about myself. I usually just say hi but a lot of the time idk what else to say because they don’t really have as much info about themselves. What do I do?

I think we can agree that ‘hi’ isn’t usually the best way to start a text conversation, especially with someone you’ve never spoken to before. It doesn’t stand out, it doesn’t give the recipient anything to respond to, and it doesn’t really give the impression that you’re actually interested in talking. Sometimes it can go well, but more often than not, conversations that start with ‘hi’ go like this:

Person A: hi

Person B: hi

A: how are you?

B: I’m good, u?

A: I’m good

It’s a lot more difficult to go anywhere if you’re only making very basic small talk. Personally, I would probably skip the small talk at first and start with a more interesting question. Look up some lists of conversation starters online, pick a few that seem interesting to talk about to you, and next time you want to start talking to someone, lead with a fun question. For example:

Person A: Hey, if you could be any animal for a day, what would you be?

Person B: Haha, probably an owl

A: Good answer, why an owl? 

B: Well, I’d love to be able to fly and I like being out at night when no one’s around. What about you?

A: Nice, I like being out at night as well, it’s super peaceful. I’d like to be an elephant, because…

Obviously that example is just me talking to myself, and real people aren’t all going to react in the same way, but do you see how asking a real question can lead to a) having more to say and b) learning more about a person just in the first few messages? People are also more likely to respond if they’re being asked a genuine question about themselves, because a) people like to talk about themselves, and b) it takes less effort to reply if you have an obvious question to reply to! 

And remember, if you’ve been talking to someone for a bit and you feel like you want to meet them in person, there’s nothing wrong with being direct and saying “hey, do you want to go for a drink this weekend?” (or whatever you feel comfortable doing on a first date). In order to get something to lead somewhere, you have to actually take steps forward. If they say yes, great. If they say no, you haven’t lost anything, because you were only casually chatting on a dating app. It’s okay to be honest about what you want.

#advice #ask me anything #conversation starters #dating apps #online dating #relationships #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

ASK GUIDELINES

A few people have been asking for my ask guidelines in an easier-to-access location, so here they are:

I answer questions in order from earliest received, so please allow 2-3 weeks for a response (possibly more at busy times). If it’s been a while and you haven’t seen your question answered, feel free to check in to make sure I’ve received it.

I don’t answer questions in private messages. If you need advice, please send an ask by clicking Ask Jennie a Question. 

If you need your question answered privately, please send a non-anonymous ask and tell me that you want it answered privately. However, there may be a longer wait for private questions.

Please avoid sending questions that are over 3-4 asks long.

For the benefit of my readers, please avoid sending me graphic descriptions of self harm or sexual assault. It’s okay to ask questions about these issues, but you don’t need to describe every detail.

Subscribe to make sure you don’t miss my response!

#advice #ask me anything #blog guidelines #blog rules #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

I just graduated highschool and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I honestly didn't think I would make to this age. How do you suppose I go about this?

Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

What subjects do you enjoy the most at school?

What are your hobbies? For example, do you play a sport? Do you play an instrument? Do you act? Do you garden? Do you read books?

What are your interests? For example, do you like to keep up with politics? Do you watch a lot of movies? Do you know a lot about different types of rocks?

What causes/issues are important to you? For example, LGBT rights? Animal welfare? Mental health care?

What kind of environment do you like to be in? For example, do you like to be with lots of people, or do you prefer to be alone? Do you prefer to be outdoors or indoors? Do you like to be a leader, or a follower, or work independently of any hierarchy? Do you work better or worse under pressure?

Make a list, and put anything on it that you enjoy or that feels important to you, even if it sounds silly. Then do some google research for potential careers related to each thing on the list, or potential educational courses you could take, or potential voluntary work you could get involved in, or potential hobbies you could try out, even if they seem like unlikely or unrealistic choices. Write down anything you might be slightly interested in doing! 

This isn’t something you can figure out overnight, but doing some brainstorming and self-reflection regarding what you enjoy, what you’re good at, and what you actually want is a good start.

#advice #ask me anything #future plans #life #graduated #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

I’m diagnosed with severe depression, and trying to fight through it without bringing down others. But when there’s times I have outbreaks, people tell me that I’m being selfish for wanting to end my life and leaving them alone. And that brings me down more. Is that a solid reason? Or is what they’re saying bad?

I don’t think it’s ever helpful to say “you’re being selfish” to someone who is depressed or suicidal. It’s understandable why someone might say it; they might be scared, and desperately trying to convince someone to stay alive by making them think of the impact it will have on others. But most of the time, it’s likely to just make the depressed person feel guilty for being depressed, which isn’t exactly a positive outcome. Most people who are having thoughts of suicide already know that it would hurt their loved ones if they died, or already think they’re a selfish person. Telling someone they’re being selfish isn’t going to make them feel better about themselves! 

Next time someone says that to you, I hope you can say to them “hey, when you say things like that it makes me worse about myself, which is really unhelpful for my recovery. Can you stop telling me I’m being selfish?”. You could also make a suggestion of something they could say instead that would be more helpful for you. If they care about you, hopefully they will listen to what you need from them.

#advice #ask me anything #selfish #suicide #depression #mental health #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

how do i communicate to my friends that i need their attention- not as a demand, just an “i could really use some affection right now”

To make sure it’s not a demand, make sure you give them the option to say no. For example:

“Hey, I’m having a tough day, do you have some time to talk?”

“Hey, I could use some company, do you have time to hang out later?”

“I’m feeling kinda lonely right now, are you up for some social interaction?”

“I need to vent to someone, do you have the energy for that right now?”

You can communicate what you need without demanding that one specific person has to give you what you need right now. If they say “actually I’m too busy/tired/stressed right now”, you can say “no problem” and try contacting another friend instead. As long as you’re not expecting your friends to drop everything and give all their attention to you instantly whenever you ask for it, there’s nothing wrong with letting them know what’s going on for you.

#advice #ask me anything #i need attention #attention #affection #friendship #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

I’m trying to decide if I should break up with my boyfriend. Pros -doesn’t make consistent effort to see me -conversations can be dull -don’t feel romantic attraction or butterflies anymore -not affectionate enough -video games sometimes seem more important to him Cons -cuddling and laughing together -reliable and kind -sometimes fun -friendship. Just started new school. Kinda lonely What should I do? Suggestions of what to do or think about first?

I think the main question you need to ask yourself is: does your relationship make you feel happy, loved, supported and fulfilled most of the time, or does it make you feel unhappy, stressed, upset or bored most of the time? You’ve got a good set of pros and cons, but it might be useful to think about how often those pros and cons are true. If your relationship is only sometimes fun, or you only sometimes cuddle and laugh together, but not feeling romantically attracted to him or not feeling like you get enough affection are issues that affect you all the time, then maybe some points should be weighted more heavily than others. “I’m not attracted to him at all” vs. “occasionally we do something fun together” isn’t really an equal pros/cons comparison, if one of those statements has more of an impact on your life than the other. 

#advice #ask me anything #should we break up #break up #pros and cons #relationships #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

hi Jennie I recently broke up with someone that I was in a long term and long distance relationship with. It’s till fairly fresh but is it wrong that I feel quite okay? almost good? it worries me a bit because I’m waiting for the huge drop in mood and realisation that will hit me like people have said. I fully expect down days but overall is it bad that I don’t feel guilty or very upset? May be due to the long distance and time spent before the break up mentally distancing. Thanks!

Honestly, the amount of questions I get that are along the lines of “should I feel bad for not feeling bad?” really surprises me. If you can get through an experience without feeling terrible, that’s a positive thing! Everyone’s experiences are different, everyone reacts to individual experiences differently, and there is no list of rules that tells you exactly how you have to feel in every situation. Just because some people do feel guilty and upset after breaking up with someone, doesn’t mean that you have to. I think people often forget that, while breakups can be very difficult, they usually happen for good reasons. If your relationship wasn’t a happy, fulfilling one, it’s natural that you might feel better after you’ve ended it! That doesn’t mean that you won’t ever feel upset about it - it’s definitely possible that you’ll have days, or a phase, where you feel down about the loss of this relationship. If you do, that’s okay, and if you don’t, that’s okay as well. There is no ‘right’ way to feel. If you feel upset, be kind to yourself, and if you feel okay, be glad that you feel okay.

#advice #ask me anything #breakup #break up #is it okay #relationships #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

Hello Jennie, this is 1/2. My (21/F) mom just told me that when I was a little kid I was weak, sensitive and cried easily. Because of this she was scared of "breaking me". Instead of trying to help me overcome my sensitivity/anxiety they labelled me as difficult and ignored me. I look back on my childhood and I feel like my parents screwed me over mentally and emotionally. They put all of their energy and time into making my older sibling the best they could be while ignoring me. 1/2

Continued: Hello Jennie, this is part 2/2. Because my parents focused so much on my older sib I was left to figure out how the world worked alone. I’m happy for my sub being successful but I wonder how different my life would be if my parents found something special in me too. How can I find self worth when my own parents never found me worth anything? I’ve found support outside of my parent’s house and on social media (I post my artwork) which is a start. How can I raise my self-worth on my own?

Jennie: Well, it sucks that your parents ‘screwed you over’ in that way. They may not have meant to come across the way they did - if they were 'scared of breaking you’, maybe they were only trying to keep you safe - but clearly they didn’t do the right thing. One little positive thing we can take from you acknowledging that they screwed you over is that you disagree with them. You’re not saying “my parents didn’t think I was worth anything, so obviously I’m not”. You’re saying “my parents didn’t teach me to have self-worth, so how can I counteract that?”, which means you’re already halfway there. Honestly, it sounds like you’ve already picked up on the main ways to build self-esteem: surround yourself with people who are good for you (whether that’s friends, family, teachers, mentors, therapists…), and do things with your life that are meaningful to you. If you’ve found people who are supportive, keep spending time with them. If you’ve found something you enjoy doing (e.g art), keep it up. You might also find some of these tips helpful. It might take time, but you are capable do retraining your mind to view yourself as someone who has worth.

#advice #ask me anything #self worth #self esteem #sensitive #family #advice blog #askjennie

[askjennie]

Hi Jennie, how do I feel better about missing a day of work? I was sick, and I couldn't go to work and now I just feel very guilty/troubled. One, I lose a day's worth of salary, and two, kore importantly I feel that my coworkers would still have come in spite of their illness, of they were in my position. On one hand, I know my body and health comes first, but on the other, it's kind of the "norm" to just power through to show that you're strong. Any advice? Thank you Jennie! Merry Christmas! ❤️

I really dislike the workplace culture that pressures people to ‘power through’ at the expense of their (and other people’s) health. Were you going to be able to do your work to the best of your ability while you were sick? Probably not. Would you be putting your coworkers, customers or clients at risk of catching your illness if you went to work? Probably. Personally, I think you 100% made the right decision not to go to work if you felt like you couldn’t go to work. Just because some of your coworkers might have gone to work anyway doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do.

(Couple of things to remember about the ‘norm’ of powering through: a) many people go into work when they’re sick, not because they want to, but because they literally can’t afford to lose a day’s pay, and b) the rules and regulations regarding sick pay and how many days off a worker can take are all made up by billionaires who can take as many sick days as they want.)

There’s not really anything you can do about it now, and you might still feel troubled by it, but try to remember that there is nothing wrong with taking care of your health. 

#advice #ask me anything #sick pay #work #health #advice blog #askjennie