#ive literally destroyed myself

[pepprs]

it’s actually fucking stupid that journaling actually makes me worse now. like what the hell else am i supposed to do

#purrs #writing (or reading my writing) about bad things that have happened and trying to make sense of them and see how much distance ive gotten #from them now only makes me feel miserable because i was suffering horrors and was literally right about everything and also nothing has #changed or the same patterns are showing up or whatever. idk. it’s fucking annoying bc i only have myself now and i can’t even be there for #myself in the way iknow i need someone to be there for me. relatedly when im experiencing horrors beyond belief i just want to take whoever #im mad at into a giant field and scream at them where no bystander can hear us or intervene or get their feelings hurt. i want freedom and i #want energetic reciprocity. i want to express myself and be met with equal expression. the most helpful thing people can do when im #spiralling is to methodically destroy the spiral and not give up after just one chunk. stay there and don’t leave. like why is it so fucking #hard to… idk. that’s neither here nor there im getting in the weeds. my mental health was doing better for a few days bc i was pretending #none of the horrors happened but i tried to reflect on them tonight and now it’s 1:33 and im spiralling and i have to get thru the rest of t #week and probably be alone and i only have myself now.a nd i always only did i guess. so whatever. i don’t want to be miserable and surly at #work tomorrow but i probably will be and i don’t want to say it’s gonna be a bad day before it’s even started but it probably will be. augh. #delete later

[niccage]

The feminine urge to have big time rush run a train on meeeeee

#ive literally banned myself from listening to the new album at work bc it’s destroying my work ethic i want them so BAAAAAAAAAAD #anyways stream WEEKENDS by BIG TIME RUSH

[famewolf]

last day working full time for the foreseeable future, here we come!

#[static] #there may be weeks where I pick up a shift and there's a big chance i will have to go back to working full time #but ive damaged my body so bad forcing myself to push past my chronic pain condition just to make ends meet #but for now im looking forward to splitting up the work week and not just running my bones into the ground #and it'll give me a chance to look for different work instead of just crashing and sleeping and not being able to walk or function- #-on the days off I do get #plus now that i wont be covered by insurance at this company there's no way in hell i can work full time and not have health insurance ?? #ive worked full time for over a decade and it has Literally destroyed my body and created bigger problems for my health #meanwhile i barely make over 30k LMAO so what's the fucking point you know? that's chump change where i live #most ppl make 80k where i live since it's tech #but because i work retail im deemed to not make enough to live despite working 45 hours a week lmao

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do? #me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care #but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour #away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from #sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont #care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it #manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean #i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking #measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her #new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted #ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning #for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering #and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself #amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads #god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im #putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do #so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u #productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh #look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment #whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh #but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see #uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs #unrelated

[starknell]

I can't believe I'm going to have to go to the secondhand bookstore & buy every copy of star trek tos books they have. and also all of the buffy ones I don't have yet. oh no

#literally I'm getting a copy of the hp series for christmas and ive been so excited for it #and to read it and to make google docs absolutely destroying each book & documenting the notable parts #and two days before christmas i see one (1) spirk post and my brain says oh.!!!!! i know what to do !!!! =) #like. no. u do not know what to do other than like weird half-assed media. u know nothing #the worst part is that i can't go to the store and buy a slew of books #because i have to read at least 12 that i already have physical copies of before i can let myself #because i refuse to own that many books i've yet to read at once because if i do then i'll probably never actually read them #ugh. why must i suffer. #this is why we need a cure for autism /s

[infizero]

every time jesse and lake blush around each other i just

#IVE WATCHED BOOK 2 SO MANY TIMES I KNOW WHEN ITS GONNA HAPPEN AND STILL EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS I GO RABID #u all should be lucky you dont have to put up w the feral squealing noises i make when something makes me go insane btw #be glad u view my insanity through a screen and not irl i make the most horrific of noises when literally anything happens in media #anyways back to jesslake they srsly drive me insane THEY LVOEVE EAHCHOTHER SOFUCKIN MCGUH THEYD DO ANYHTIGN FOR EACH OTHER #THE WAY JESSE DOENST EVEN PROCESS HIM SAYING HE WANTS THEM TO COME BACK W HIM AS SOEMETHING SIGNIFICANT BCUZ HE THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS #LITERALYYYYYY KILLING MYSELF THAT SCENE DESTROYS ME EVERY TIME GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD #serena.txt

[mourn2]

#tw 16 year old venting #like OHHHHHH i am so miserable and the sadness never ends literally constant pain #i keep doing this thing where i go inti a state of light mania and act happy and normal and like everythings ok and then #every single day without fail i completely crash and have the darkest thoughts of my life #its likr wowahahwoww those Ideations sure know how to suicide #its so funny thougj because all this is happening while im in the gcse exam trenches so like Fuck me i guess #not only am i a hairs breadth away from ripping my organs out im also gonna fail every subject in existence #whatever though its like. i mean yeah ive never wanted to destroy myself so wholely and completely but #i can play bandori on hard mode now.

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

I adore theatre because my few experiences with theatre are defined by how visceral and human they were

#something something nothing is sacred and anything can be translated into theatre to make you Feel It #granted ive literally only seen ITA ensemble plays but holy shit the way it's done?????? #een klein leven about friendship and trauma and the inability of relationships to change trauma. dark but extremely powerful. #ibsen house about generational trauma essentially and family secrets and the impact of trauma on personality is what stuck w me #de dokter about ~ modern mass media ~ destroying nuance and conversation. essentially. #if you seek catharisis from art just go to the theatre #ekl changed my life lol like fr #nothing like seeing a grown man lose his entire mind on stage due to trauma. and seeing him and feeling nothing but empathy. #like that changed how i look at myself. from horror and disgust to empathy/kindness/non judgement

[allyyxe]

Sometimes I'm genuinely so happy to be alive and other time I want to rip my own veins out and bleed to death

#lmao ive been having a dark couple of days recently #and i got on of my main safe spaces eliminated and honestly its destroying me #and the family link limits got reinstated #and i cant even write my fav phrase (rip my veins out) anymore #cause its a prompt from a story i wrote and on a whim i showed it to my friend and she literally was like goals and then said nothing else #i worked hard on that shit and she said that singular word and walked away #and besides that ive just been having seriously bad days lately #and people ignoring me isnt helping one bit #atleast i have tumblr to make myself feel better but with the new limits i can only use tumblr for an hour each day #oh lord how much i wanna kill myself rn #i literally got the pills out and everything but then my grandma woke up to go to the bathroom so i had to put them back and pretend sleep #and my teacher keeps calling home to complain about my grades #like bro dont you have anything better to do #except making me feel like a fat dumb bitch 24/7? #ugh everything makes me miserable #i wanna talk to someone about it but i just feel like im dumping all my problems on them so cant do that #shitposts <3 #tw vent #tw sui ideation

[homophyte]

man i havent seen like anybody talking about it--probably because i do my level best to block every transphobe i can find and purposefully avoid twitter as much as possible--or else i wouldnt say anything but the sophie from mars situation seriously has been breaking my brain. i dont wanna be the exact guy i would criticize in this situation and shift focus from the victims but i truly thought she was one of the most incisive political commentators on youtube, i actively looked forward to her perspectives & shared them with so many people around me. its hard on some level to not feel shocked and blindsided particularly because she was someone who consistently and articulately spoke about abuse and exploitation.

#myposts #not to make this about myself <- guy living inside a single experiential perspective #its just on some level ive been thinking about notions of justice for lack of a better term #so its like . okay im in the process of divesting myself psychically from what justice looks like that is retributive and carceral etc #and the thing im coming up against here is like. not that? its not an instinctive 'heres what should be Done with her' #its a complete absence of that. its a what can i do. i feel like i have an obligation of some sort but i dont know what it is #and i know thats a holdover of like the mob justice aspect of this. i need to be fuming and malding and destroying her career #and make her never come back raaaargh. i dont think that. i cant even really bring myself to i have such respect for her #its literally just like. this completely sucks? and i want it to be made right on some level but i dont know how to do that #and even if i did i wouldnt be the person to do it. so i kinda have to sit on top of my hands and not think about it?? #and also like not think too hard about how thats kinda...a consequence of the fact its happening in a public forum #like the reason you do that is so people see it. not even necessarily to get them that mad but just like you are going to #so its....the only reason i have this feeling is because i have been dragged into this on some level? #and then it is kinda the natural question of why i suppose. but i dont have answers to any of that #i know enough to know that despite the fuming ive seen from people this is how abuse happens or at least how it can happen #and that the solution really cant be just divesting from abusers because thats how it happens #and ironically thats something i feel she really helped me grasp #i dont want to make it an exercise in politics but its really making me think about the politics.

[shimaiitsoh]

#man im so depressed but im making rice and i hope it turns out good #i hope my husband feels better (his stomach is unwell) and this rice and potatoes is such a nice meal #lately i've been struggling with my autism so badly... i am undiagnosed but my family has known my whole life i was a non verbal child #ive been messing up my job everyday bc i been taking my coworkers too literally... #and i cant figure out what to do or how to stay clean idk man i keep looming up thibgs for autism but cant find much #my old jobs i always worked by myself now i domt know how to interpret people at my new job #also im just bad at it im master at sucking at things its destroying my confidence #i was like... so good at baking i come in overnight leave in the morning and i loved loved bread so much i was obsessed with it #im just sad thinking about it #i miss being good at things

[confusedsiewmai]

God, you know you have *serious* issues if a B grade for an assignment messes you up so badly u're launched into multiple crises at the same time.

The funny thing is: the assignment is a personal essay. But I hate having to put my experiences in neat little boxes because nothing in my life is like that. Every experience is permeated by this constant sense of threat of genuine death and ruin.

Did you know since I was at least 10, I was already taking note of all the 24-hour places, places with free showers, and libraries that I could feasibly walk to because I felt something so deeply wrong with me that it became natural that I will eventually be disowned? I wish I was less fucked up.

I have to keep telling that 10-year-old self that I'm not going to die. That a B grade doesn't spell the end of my entire life even if it feels that way. That I'm going to do fine.

#vent #negativity #talking to myself #its just.... so difficult when it feels like ive been writing for so long and i still cant get a good grade in writing #but. ive also pretty much pinpointed that its the type of writing. personal writing has always been insanely difficult for me. #i cant talk personal if it isnt a rant because even things that happened in the distant past destroy me today #and also. insane. but. i was trying so hard to get a good CAP... by good i mean first class honours #and people have pointed out to me that a high second upper is already rly fricking good actually #but an insane part of me is always clawing for higher and higher and higher because it feels like staying where i am would spell disaster #literally the feeling that i will be jobless and penniless and homeless and unloved and stranded #oooooooh i have so many issuessss

[the-casbah-way]

tbh might just abandon my fic i cannot be arsed

#ik i said this before but actually this time lmao #all it’s doing is reminding me that i can’t fucking write #this next chapter feels impossible ive been trying to write it since before i started the last chapter #and every time i redo it i get more frustrated with it even after stepping away and ignoring it #literally thrown my laptop / almost destroyed the keyboard out of annoyance bc of this chapter #or more so annoyance at me for being a fucking idiot who can’t write a basic sentence #i’m so good at sucking the life out of things that are supposed to be fun #can’t even have a fun side hobby without having a meltdown over it and destroying my last remnant of self esteem #literally why do i keep making things it always makes me feel awful abt myself #maybe it’s just my period / horrific mood swings of late but i fucjing hate this fic i hate me

[swampdrive]

Thinking abt healthcare costs and am crying, screaming, throwing up etc. Lads

#lucky #like im okay right now and i know its privileged of me to be okay but its fucking INSANE that im considering myself to be in this #situation?? like. i have needed physical therapy for months and have been going but it would be 320 a MONTH if i was still going as often #as i really should be (not counting the time i need to take off work to go!!!) ive had to cut it down to once every two weeks way earlier #than i should bc thats unmanageable!!!! and the fact that the medication i need is 3800 a DOSE w/o my insurance and my insurance could #suddenly tell me to fuck off bc its a specialty medication that i already had to fight them to pay for makes me want to tear my skin off #and i need two doses a month!!!! thats 7600 a month!!! ONE COMPANY MAKES THIS MEDICATION AND THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE #like. i was so bad off without it i had to go to the hospital where they basically told me to fuck off they couldnt do anything???? #the wack ass cocktail of shit they had on basically destroyed my life for two years and did nothing to manage the actual condition #AAAAAAAAAAAAA #my life has literally been reduced to work work work dr appt work immunologist work physical therapy work work work etc #im so burnt out i couldnt even manage a call with my best friend for the last few weeks #rant

[enbyeighthdoctor]

whoniverse dash simulator part 2

💙 samefacesyndrome Follow

aww i cant believe anyone would want to hurt the meep! just the cutest little guy ive ever met

💙 samefacesyndrome Follow

kill the bastard thing

836 notes

🌈 pillbotts Follow

women...

67k notes

🧣 tallscarfyman Follow

78k notes

🍁 fortheoswin Follow

this edible aint shit

🍁 fortheoswin Follow

i just saw all the thousands of fragments of myself live and die a million deaths in the timestream

4.5k notes

🎵 nitro9 Follow

not the furry trying to insult me

💥 spymaster Follow

this you?

684 notes

👩‍🦰 pondlife Follow

wtf theres a tall men in black looking alien bastard in my front room

👩‍🦰 pondlife Follow

thats weird i dont remember posting that

👩‍🦰 pondlife Follow

wtf theres a tall men in black looking alien bastard in my front room

83 notes

🌟 hifam Follow

i think ill bottle everything up inside until i literally explode

17.3k notes

🎷 secondsbest Follow

my life is falling apart. my friends just had their memories of me wiped and the timelords are forcing me to regenerate. everything is going wrong

🎷 secondsbest Follow

but i stay silly :3

#doctor who #classic who #fourteenth doctor #bill potts #fourth doctor #clara oswald #ace mcshane #dhawan!master #amy pond #thirteenth doctor #second doctor #doctor who memes #4 #13 #2 #doctor who poll #dash simulator #.txt #14

[charlie-artlie]

That’s a real cute crush ya got there, Monty. Sure would be a shame if someone corrupted it into a single-minded obsession that ultimately destroyed you both :3

ive been listening to this song on repeat and i couldn’t get this out of my head, pls enjoy. and yes. there is a second part i wanna make *_* on my life, i promise it wont be as polished as this (also, yes, i know this is a my little pony song, im SORRY, i LITERALLY couldn’t help myself)

#five nights at freddy's #fnaf #glamrock bonnie #montgomery gator #bonnie x monty #monty x bonnie #fnaf security breach #security breach #arts #my insanity knows no bounds #cant stop fucking thinking about them #they got me………writing fic??? i’ve got over 5000 words of glamrock relationship drama #bonnie is LITERALLY the puppet master who cursed my dick